7-Jan-2000 Title: Damien's Day at Lawndale Hell Author: J Description: A new kid comes to Lawndale. And only Daria can speak to him. Author's note: As this is my first fanfic, compliments, criticisms, flames, and general rants are greatly appricated. (Well, the first one, anyway) and are to be sent to: Kain1330@aol.com As I said. This is my first fanfic. Wait until my second one before you give me both barrels Also, Daria and all its characters are © and ® Mtv. a division of Viacom entertainment. Daria and all her cohorts (except for the Kinsingtons,) were created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis. Used without permission. Please don't sue. Also, I know I need a spell checker. I didn't have one on the program that I used for this Note: The endnotes dealing directly with the story are at the very end. So, without further ado, (Begin title sequence.) (Title appears over an orange backround.) Daria in: Damien's Day at Lawndale Hell Scene 1 (Fade in. Daria and Jane are walking across the school parking lot on the first day of their senior year.) Jane: (Comprehending) Aah, so that's why the French don't bathe. Daria: Well, that's what I'm told. Anyway, you ready for our final year in Lawndale hell. Jane: Raring. (looks offscreen) Ooh la la We see what she is looking at, a guy crossing the parking lot. He is about 6' tall and very thin, with short blond hair, deep blue eyes, and a very light goatee. He is wearing a black T-shirt, Khaki cargo pants, grey Vans® and black framed, oval glasses. He is VERY attractive and looks VERY intelligent. He heads for the door, but the Fashion club, wanting to be the first to meet him, stand in front of the door. Jane looks at Daria, who is staring at him Jane: (taunting) Ooh, and have we gotten over Trent? Daria: Jane, I still have that dress from my cousin's wedding, watch it. Besides, I'll bet you 2-1 that he will soon be oogling Quinn and the others. (The new kid sees the FC...and walks right past them before they can say a word. They turn around and stare at him, shocked, as he walks through the doors.) Jane: Or not Daria smirks CUT TO: The Fashion Club, who are muttering to each other. Quinn: Like, Who does that loser think he is. Tiffany: Yeah, really. he's like so... Daria: (as she and Jane walk past) Sane? Sandi: (turning around) Like, Who asked you? Quinn's cousin, or whatever. Daria: Noone, but who asked you to be the welcoming commitee. (She and Jane enter school) Tiffany: She's sooo weird. CUT TO: Ext. shot of school. a bell rings. Scene 2 Outside O'neal's Class. The new kid looks around frantically, as if he's looking for someone. O'neal comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. Music: Orange 9mm, Dead in the Water O'NEAL: Excuse me, but Class has started. (The new kid looks at him, puzzled. Then he takes his seat. As he is walking past Daria and Jane, he waves hello to them. Daria blushes.) Jane: (playfully) Ooh, Trent is not gonna like this. Daria: Oh, shut up (The new kid takes his seat and immediately pulls out a copy of Der Prozeß [The Trial] by Kafka.) Daria: (looking back) Well, at least he knows good literature. (smirks) CUT TO: Near the end of class O'Neal: So, For your assignment, I'd like you to write about an event, during your summer vacation, which affected your life. Now, who wants to give us an example. (carefully studies his seating chart. looks directly at the new kid.) Damien, why don't you start. CUT TO: Damien, who is still reading his book. He doesn't even acknowledge O'Neal O'Neal: Um, Damien, can I see you after class? (bell rings.) CUT TO: Damien, who looks up from his book, calmly gathers his things and exits the room.) O'Neal: (Watching the new kid leave. His face has a look of concern) Oh dear, I hope I wasn't too rough on him. (Daria and Jane watch the new kid, puzzled) Scene 3. Daria and Jane are walking down a hallway at Lawndale High Jane: Well, at least he's smart enough not to pay attention to O'Neal. Daria: Wait until he meets Lawndale's finest. Jane: Wait no longer. (Points down the hall.) CUT TO: Kevin & Brittney, making out in front of Damien's locker. He looks at them, reaches into his bookbag, and pulls out an airhorn. CUT TO: Daria & Jane. Jane: Ohh boy. They both cover their ears and cringe as we hear a very loud, high piched wail. A couple beats later, we see Kevin running past with Brittney following him with a pissed off look on her face. Our heroes look at those two, then look at Damien, who is writing something in his notebook. He then goes into his locher, pulls out some books, closes his locker, looks at Daria & Jane for a couple beats, and walks away. Scene 4 Miss Defoe's class The class (Well, most of them anyway.) is painting a still life with various furniture Brittney is doing a Kindergardenesque rendition, Kevin, as usual, doesn't know where to start, Daria is painting a picture of the furniture hacked to pieces, with an ax embedded in a stool, Jane is copying Goya's "Saturn devouring his son", and Damien is painting something, But we don't see what it is yet. Miss Defoe is going around the room. Music: "Bloke" by Republica Brittney: Miss Defoe? (She squeaks the last syllable) How does this look? Defoe examines it. Defoe: Very, umm, good Brittney. Brittney: Thanks! Defoe looks at Upchuck's painting. We can't see it, but we can tell that it is something obscene because, well, this is Upchuck. Defoe suddenly looks ill. She walks over to Damien's easel. Defoe: Wow! Damien, right? (Damien just looks at her) Defoe: (Examining the painting) This is amazing, you really have an eye for detail. CUT TO: Jane, who has a look of mild jealousy. Jane: (to Daria) Uh oh, looks like I may have some competition. Daria: (thought voice over) Serves you right for all your yenta crap. They both look over to where Defoe is standing. Defoe is standing next to his easel. His upper body is hidden behind the canvas. She gives him a few more compliments and leaves. Damien comes out from behind his easel, looks at her, confused, and then shrugs. He then goes to clean up. Jane goes over to look at his painting and looks shocked. Jane: Holy crap! Daria: (Walking up) Jealous? Jane: Yeah, kinda. I mean, I'm not even this good. Daria: So, the world IS coming to an end. Thank God. We get to see Damien's painting. It is a painting of the still life, but it is COMPLETLY photo realistic. Jane goes over to Damien, who is scraping off his palette. Jane: Hey, where did you learn to paint like that, anyway. Damien just ignores her and goes to put his stuff away. Jane: (Puzzled) Okayyy. Commercial break. Stinger: Damien walking out of O'Neal's room, with O'neal looking worried. The Bell rings Scene 5: Demartino's room Daria & Jane are sitting in the front row. Damien is in the back row, reading what looks like a small essay Daria is staring at him Jane: You shouldn't stare. It's rude Daria: (Glaring at her) Jane, Why don't you pass the time by playing a little solitare? Jane: Sorry kid, I don't have any cards with me. Look, just go talk to him. Daria glares at her again as Demartino enters the room. DeMartino: Well, I hope you all had a WONDerful summer vaCATION. Normally I would hand out a syllibus, but since MOST of you INgrates don't care ANYway, we will instead start a unit on ancient ROME. NOW, can any here tell me what event caused the Roman people to get rid of their KING in favor of the consul. KEVIN? Kevin: Umm.. The Berlin Wall. (Turns to Brittney) I got one, babe. Demartino: Never mind. It wasn't FAIR to call on a complete MORON such as yourself. Someone else. (Looks over to Damien) Ah, Damien, Perhaps you would care to enLIGHTEN us. After all. From what I've heard, you have yet to utter a single WORD since you GOT here. CUT TO: Damien, who is still reading. Suddenly, the essay disappears and Demartino is right in his face. Screaming. (Of course) During this, Damien has a look on his face that tells us that he has no idea what Demartino is saying, but he can tell that Demartino isn't speaking out of kindness. Demartino: OF course, if you were actually LISTENING or reading from your TEXTBOOK, you might have been able to prove that you're not like our intellectually DEAD star QUARTERBACK here. But you have proven that you are either a comPLETE IMBECILE, or you think that you're too GOOD for this class. In which CASE, I suggest you transfer over to Grove HILLS, so at LEAST you can be far away from ME. He goes to sit at his desk. Camera turns back to Damien, who puts his head on his desk. CUT TO: Daria, who looks at Damien, turns around, and suddenly gets a look of comprehension. Jane: What? Daria: (getting up) I think I've found his problem. CUT TO: Damien's desk. he has his head down. Daria's back appears on the right side of the screen. Damien looks at her. After a couple beats, he nods his head. about five or six seconds later, glares at Demartino. a couple seconds later, he gets a look of understanding. He sits up and raises his hand. Demartino: DAMIEN, WHAT DO YOU WANT? Damien looks at Demartino for a couple seconds, lowers his hand, looks at Daria, looks back at Demartino, and starts speaking in sign language, Camera turns back to Daria, who is translating. Damien/Daria: Lucius Tarquinius, After he named himself king of Rome, went with his sons and other roman noblemen to beseige Ardea. During the siege, several noblemen met in the tent of Sextus Tarquinius, the king's son, where they bragged about how virtuous their respective wives were. They decide to go back to Rome in the middle of the night and check up on their wives. Only Lucrece, the wife of Collatinus, is home, sewing. The other wives are out partying. The other nobles congragulate Collatine except Sextus, who is insanely jealous of Collatine and his wife. While the others go back to Ardea, Sextus visits Lucrece, who lets him in. Since, hell, he's the son of the king! He makes up an excuse for being there, and spends the night telling her stories about Collatine. Then, in the middle of the night, Sextus goes into Lucrece's room, where she is sleeping. He wakes her up and tells her that he intends to rape her. He says that if she says anything, he'll kill her and a servant and claim that he caught them in the act. He has his way with her and leaves. Distraught, she calls for her family. They arrive in Rome and find her in mourning clothes. They demand to know what happened and she first makes them take an oath of revenge, which they all take. Then she tells the whole story. After which, she kills herself. The family carries her body throughout Rome, telling everyone what happened, until all of rome rises against the Tarquins. They go into exile, the government changes from Kings to Consuls, and no, I'm not a complete imbecile, nor do I think I'm too good for this class, Ms. Li was just stupid, or lazy, or both, and failed to tell everyone that I'm profoundly deaf. CUT TO: Demartino. I wish you could see the look of shock and embarasment on his face. Everyone else stares at Damien. Demartino: Well, Um, Thanks Damien. Daria sits down and opens up a book called "History of the Deus ex Machina" Jane: So, what other talents have you been hiding from me? Daria. My psychic powers. Jane: Seriously, where did you learn that? Daria: (Sighs) I have an uncle who used to be an interpreter. He taught me sign language when I was seven. Jane: But, doesn't that involve contact with others? Daria just looks at her Jane: Speaking of sign language. (Points to Damien. Daria turns around.) Damien: (starts to sign, with subtitles.) So, is everyone here this oblivious? Daria: (Signing back.) Most of them, why Damien: Well, (looks at the clock,) I've been here for almost four hours and you are the first person to figure out my deep, dark secret. Congragulations Daria: (deadpan) When does my award arrive? Damien: When I get around to it. (smirks) By the way, I'm Damien. CUT TO: Ext shot of Lawndale. A bell rings. Cut to: Demartino's class. As he is about to leave, Damien calmly walks over to Demartino's desk, picks up the essay that the eyeball confiscated, and exits the room. [author's note: From now on, Whenever Damien is speaking to a third party, Daria translates all of his and their responses into plain english and sign language, respectively. When they are speaking alone, it is just them signing with subtitles. Scene 5: Lawndale High Cafeteria: Damien is sitting with his feet on the table, digging through a plastic container with a pair of chopsticks. Daria, is sitting across form him. Daria: So Damien, What are do your parents do for a living. Damien: My mom is a lawyer at Vitale, Davis, Horowitz, Riorden, Schrecter, Schrecter, Schrecter, and Kinsington Daria: There's no partner named Kinsington. Damien: There is now. Daria: (Suprised) How did she manage that. Damian: Well, My mom is sort of like Machiavelli meets Svengali meets a demented Martha Stewart. (Daria looks at him.) I'm serious. Ask her a question about anything: Law, medicine, music, auto repair, toxicology, firearms, explosives, computers, hacking, phreaking, hypnosis, espionage, anything! And, more than likely, she knows all about it. Daria: I'd love to read her senior thesis. Damien pulls out the essay he was reading in Demartino's class and shows it to the camera. It is called: "Experiments in the production of anti-social and self destructive behaviour through the use of hypnosis and other forms of coersion ." by Mara Kinsington Damien: You know how they say that a person under hypnosis won't do anything that goes against their moral nature? Well, this proves them wrong. Daria: But, how does she know all this? Damien: Kinsington family tradition. See, It's traditional for our family to learn everything about as many diverse subjects as is humanly possible, then to pass it off onto their children. Whether one uses this knowledge for good or evil is their business. Daria: Do you ever use this knowledge for evil? Damien: All the time. After what happened at Columbine, I was the most feared kid at my old school, a label which I milked occasionally. Daria: Wow. What about your dad. Before he can answer, Jodie and Mack come up to their table. Jodie: Now, I KNOW I'm wasting my time, but would you be interested in joining Drama Horizions? (exited) We're doing "Othello" this year Daria: (Irritated) Jodie, I don't do extracurriculars unless I have a bet going with someone, or it's the lesser of two evils. Give it up! Jodie sighs, then turns to Damien. Jodie: So, you're the new deaf kid, huh? Damien: I prefer the term "Hearing Impared." Wait! No I don't. Daria: (To Damien) And you said I was the first one to notice? Jodie: Yeah, well, I would have thought Ms. Li would have said something. Damien: Well, I think that as long as I don't pose a security threat, she doesn't give much of a fuck. Jodie: Still, isn't she supposed to hire an interpreter for you? Damien: Legally, yes. But, like I said. I don't pose a security threat..As far as she knows. (gets an evil smile.) Daria: Besides, that money could go to better uses. Like bribing the school board. Damien: And that's tax deductable. She couldn't be as bad as the old principal at my old school. He made Stalin look like the champion of democracy. Daria: Did you do anything about it? Damien: (Like he'd rather not talk about it) It's a long story. I'll tell you all about it later. Let's just say that what would have been my crowning achievment went horribly, horribly wrong. Daria: (disappointed) Oh. Mack: (looks uncomfortable) Just out of curiosity, and you don't have to answer if you don't want to... Damien (knowing exactly what he is going to ask) Ear infection when I was fifteen months old. My mom was away on a business trip at the time. The infection developed two days after she left. And, rather than sending me to a doctor, (starts to get a little pissed) the lady that she left me with decided to invest in a good pair of earplugs, presumably so she wouldn't have to put up with me howling in pain. My mother still hates her. Jodie gets a look of pity Damien: Don't worry. I'm perfectly happy being deaf. I rather enjoy the silence. Daria: What did your dad say when he found out you went deaf? Damien: Nothing. He died before I was born. As the story goes, it happened four hours after he found out that mom was pregnant with me. Daria: Oh, sorry. Damien: Hey, it's not your fault. Daria: Don't worry about it. They're overrated. Jodie can attest. Damien: (Sarcastically) So I've heard Daria: Uh-oh Camera cuts to Daria's POV. We see O'Neal walk right up to their table. Jodie: Well, we had better go. We'll see you guys around. (Jodie & Mack exit.) Daria: (To Damien) Just remember. Self-esteem is important because it's a quality that will stand us in good step for the rest of our lives. Damien: (confused) O-kay. O'neal walks onscreen. O'neal: (Ultra-sensitive mode) Damien. I heard about your disability and.. Damien: (to Daria) funny, I don't consider it a disability. O'neal: I'm really sorry for snaping at you in class. Damien looks confused. Daria signs "I'll explain later" O'neal: It must have been tough to grow up with this problem. Damien: (irritated) Not really. I've had almost 18 years to get used to it. O'neal: (Overacting) To be the oppresséd deaf in the uncaring hearing man's world. Damien: (to Daria) O.K. Where did Li get him. Daria shrugs. O'neal: But, I'm sure that there are some good Deaf colleges you can go to in the future. Gallaudet for example. Damien sighs, looking mildly offended. Damien: Whatever. How did my psychology test go? O'neal: Oh, I almost forgot. (pulls out some papers) Ms. Manson says you're perfectly fine. He hands Damien the results. Damien spends a couple beats reading them, then starts laughing. Damien: (scarastically) So, when do I get my award? O'neal: (missing the sarcasm, of course) We...don't have an award for that. Damien: Damn, and I had a speech written and everything. O'neal: (Getting an idea) Hey. That's a great idea. Even though you're deaf, you seem to have self-esteem. This will really inspire the normal kids who have low self esteem. I think you SHOULD give a speech at the assembly, next monday. Damien: That's probably not the best idea. O'neal: Nonsense. It's your idea, and it's perfect. (walks off) Damien: (to Daria) O.K. did you need to tell him that? Daria: (mockingly) I'm your interpreter for the day. It is my job to relay ALL communication faithfully and in an impartial manner. Jane and Tom walk up. Jane: Yo, what'd we miss? Damien: Our big love scene. Jane: And I missed it? DAMN! Damien: (to Daria) Who's he? Daria: Phil, the prince of insufficent light. Tom: Also known as Tom. Who are you. Damien: The devil. (looks at their faces) Story time. When I was born, I was pink, I was screaming, and my sister, Maiko, said that I sounded like a demon. So my grandfather decided to call me Damien. Daria: Stirring. That's Jane, by the way. So, what are you going to do about that speech Damien shrugs. His face goes from Angry, to thoughtful, to scheming. Daria: What are you planning? Damien: First, Let me tell you the epic tale of Mr. Schneider... Cut to: the fashion club, who are sitting at the next table observing our heroes. We see Daria smirk, then she starts to respond. Sandi: Like Quinn, what is your cousin, or whatever, doing with her hands. Quinn: Really, she could really hurt her wrist doing that. Tiffany: Oh no, wrist bandages are, like, SO unfashionable. Quinn: But why can't she just SPEAK to him. Stacy: Well, I read somewhere that some people can't hear words. So, like, they talk with their hands. Quinn: That's stupid. He has a mouth, he should just use that. : Yeah. God Stacy. What were you thinking. Stacy walks off, crying. CUT TO: Our heroes. Damien: So, after I had finished, I looked over, and he was on the floor, in the fetal position, sucking his thumb. It took less than three seconds. I hope to beat that this time. Daria: Well, I don't think you'll have much of a challenge. Jane: Uh-oh, we're being watched. Damien looks at them Damien: Who are those girls, anyway? Daria: The Fashion Club Jane: That's Sandi, the fearless leader. Those are her two yes-girls. And that's Daria's sister. They're your standard fashion obsessed, boy obsessed airheads. Damien: Regular Lucrezia Borgia's, I take it? Daria: Something like that. Damien snickers, looks at the FC, and screams: Damien: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!!!!!!!!! The Fashion club looks at him, then they roll their eyes and leave Damien: I think I'm going to like it here. Cut to commercial. Stinger: Damien screaming at the F.C. Scene 6: A Street Daria, Jane, and Tom are walking side by side. With Damien in front of Daria, walking backward. Daria: (with subtitles) Are you sure you want to leave your car at the school? Damien: I'll pick it up before I go home. Where are we going, anyway? Daria: (signing and speaking)To ingest some shamelessly americanized italian circular foodstuffs. Damien: (with subtitles) Cool, I love pizza. Scene 7: Pizza King Jane: (to Damien) How was the rest of your day? Damien: Well, I finally met Miss Barch. Daria: Confronted is more like it. Flashback: Damien is signing to Daria. Miss Barch comes up to his table and starts yelling at him. He is still signing to Daria. Barch goes to throw a punch, but just as she goes in, Damien raises his hand, without looking at her, and catches her fist. She pulls back and looks at her hand, confused. She throws a couple more punches, but he also blocks them easily. He then gives her a threatning look. She backs down, trying not to show fear. She walks back to her desk and we see all the men stand up and clap. He looks at them, then stands up on his table and takes a bow. Come back to the present. Jane: Wow. A guy that can intimidate Barch. I'll bet Mack was proud Damien: Oh, You should have seen the look on his face. Jane: What about Mrs Bennet? Damien: I tested out of Math. I spent that class in the chemistry lab. Tom: Wow, that's cool. Damien: Not really. When I was there, I discovered the destructive powers of your star quarterback. Flashback: Damien is in the back room of the chemistry lab, taking an inventory of the chemicals. Offscreen, we hear: Brittney: What's this place? Kevin: I think it's the chemistry lab, babe. We hear sounds of making out, then Brittney: Ow, that's cold. They shouldn't leave stuff out like that. Kevin: Whoa, Cool! Brittney: What is that stuff? Kevin: Like, My dad buys stuff like this for parties. He says it's good for keeping beer cold, and stuff. It's, like, dried up ice, or something. Brittney: Wow! Maybe someone left it out my mistake. Let's put it away for them. Kevin: Ok, babe. We hear sounds of someone rummaging through things. Then: Brittney: How 'bout this soda bottle? Kevin: Cool. (a couple beats later) It, like, won't fit. Brittney: Like, use this. We hear the sound of dry ice being chopped up. and dropped into a bottle. Brittney: Oh no, The ice is melting. Kevin: No problem, babe. We'll put water in it and make some more. Brittney: Wow! you're, like, really smart, Kevvie Kevin: I know, babe. Suddenly, we hear a VERY loud bang. Damien flinches slightly, then goes to investigate. We see Kevin and Brittney are a mess, but still look clueless. Kevin is holding the top of the soda bottle. Kevin: WOAH! Cool. Back in the present. Daria: So that's what that noise was. Tom: What happened. Damien: From what I can tell. They stumbled on some dry ice that I left out for a study on sublimation. (Tom looks confused.) When matter goes from a solid directly to a gas. Anyway, It looked like they were trying to clean it up by putting it into a bottle. Then they tried to make more by pouring water that I was heating for coffee. But, in doing do, they inadvertantly made a dry ice bomb. God, how those people ever managed to get out of grade school is beyond me. Jane: Whoa, you can make a bomb out of dry ice?! Damien: Yes. Take dry ice, bottle it, water it, cap it and run like hell. The problem is that it is almost impossible to determine when it'll blow. So I wouldn't try it. Daria: Now what'll I throw at the next assembly. Damien: It could have been worse, though. At least they made something non-incindiary. Tom: True. (looks at his watch.) Oh crap. I'd better go. (to Jane) I call you tonight. (kisses her.) Jane watches him leave. then: Jane: (To Damien) So, How do you know about this, anyway. Damien: Kinsington family traditions. I'll explain later. So, Where to next? Jane: Probably my house. Mystik Spiral is practicing there tonight. (Grins at Daria) Daria: (stops signing, glares at Jane) You're walking on thin ice, Lane. Jane: Sorry, old habits die hard. Damien: Mystik Spiral? Daria: A semblance of something that calls itself a band. Damien: Is this the kind of band that makes me glad that I can't hear. Daria: I don't know. What's your better ear average? Damien: 95 decibels. Daria: You'll hear them, trust me. Anyway, Jane's house is out, if she wants to live, We probably shouldn't go near my house because my mother will be home shortly. And I don't want to deal with her wrath. Jane: What happened? Daria: His mother was made a full partner before my mother. Jane: Yikes. Daria: So, we have only one other option. (they both stare at Damien) Damien: Oh, all right. Scene 8: Damien's Room We see Damien's room, which is basically the upstars of his house. In one corner, he has a spiral staircase that goes downstairs. He has a drum set in another corner. Between the two is a couch with three German Sheppards sleeping on it. In a third corner is his bed, with a t.v. in front of it and a file cabinet next to it, and in the last corner is his easel and art supplies. His back wall is lined with large bookcases, each one filled with books. On each bookcases are signs that mark various categories. On his other wall is a collection of swords. Daria is lying down on his bed, reading some of his essays. Damien is painting with Jane posing for him. She is wearing full samurai armor and is holding a Japanese sword above her head. She is standing over a mannequin, which is lying on the ground. In his painting, he has substituted the mannequin for the decapitated body of Graham, one of the Grove Hills snobs. He gives Jane a thumbs up, and she snaps out of her pose and begins to take the armor off. He goes to sit by the bed to watch T.V. The show that they're watching is in commercial. Jane: Hey Daria, ask Damien where he learned to paint like that. Daria taps Damien on the shoulder and relays Jane's question. Damien: My sister Masako. I'll introduce you to her the next time she comes home. Jane: Do you do any sketching? Damien reaches for one of his sketchbooks, which are on the other side of his bed. In doing so, he inadvertantly lays on top of Daria, who starts blushing. He gives the sketchbook to Jane. Daria: How many sisters do you have, anyway? Damien: Four. Plus a twin brother She goes back to reading. He looks at the t.v., taps Daria on the shoulder, and mimes holding a remote control. Daria looks at the t.v. and turns off the mute. We see the most recognizable logo in the Dariaverse. T.V. Announcer: Is Pachinko really a form of hypnosis dreamed up by the Yakuza? The shocking truth. Next on Sick Sad World!! Daria: Of course. What do you call something that gives you the feeling of a coma without the worry or inconveniance. Female Voice: (offscreen) Norwegian Television. Our heroes look offscreen. Cut to: A woman, who looks to be in her early to mid 30's, standing in front of the staircase. She looks kind of like aunt Amy, but she's much taller. She is wearing all black. Black t-shirt, black pants, a black trenchcoat, and black Doc Marten's. Her hair is dyed black with red streaks running through it. And it is worn in a ponytail. She also is wearing the exact same type of glasses that Damien is wearing. She starts signing to Damien. Mara: How was your day, Damien? Damien: The jocks ignored me, the popular kids avoided me like the plague, I made three actual friends, imagine that, I saw our star quarterback nearly kill himself with a non-incendiary gas bomb, and I inadvertantly allowed myself to give a speech on self-esteem. Since the self esteem teacher seems to think it strange to meet a deaf person who feels good about himself. Woman: Self-esteem students? Let me get this straight. You have to somehow inspire this guy's students... Because he can't. (looks at Damien) You're going to pull a Schneider again, aren't you Damien: (with an evil smile) How was your day? Woman: Well, I met three partners who tried, and failed, to kiss my ass, and a really overworked lady in a pink business suit who wanted to kick it. It was pretty nondescript otherwise. Daria: (speaking) This lady, did she give you her age? Woman: (speaking, with a very upper class british accent) Yes. Forty Ei...two, in nine years. Daria: That would be my mother. Woman: Oh, I pity you. Jane: (after examining her clothing) So, when is 007 dropping by. Woman: (Sarcasticly) In ten minutes. We're flying off to Russia so he can save the world while I helplessy run around looking sexy. Then, we're planning to follow that up with five minutes of pointless fucking. So, I'd better get changed. (She and Daria both smirk) By the way, I'm Mara Kinsington, Damien's mother. Daria: So I gathered. I'm Daria, and this is Jane. Mara: Charmed. Well, I have to go pick up his sister from the airport, so I'll leave you all alone. Nice meeting you two. (She heads for the stairs when her cellular phone rings.) Mara: Hello? (Deflated) Oh, Eric Daria: (to Damien) Get used to these calls. They will happen often. Mara: Listen Eric, It's 9:30 in the evening on a Friday. I'm not in the office. I won't be in the office until Monday. LEAVE ME ALONE. (hangs up. Speaks to herself) Doesn't that berk have any sense of decency? (walks down the stairs.) Daria: (to Damien) Do you have an opening for a sister? Damien: Sorry, I already have four of them. Plus a mother who acts like one. That's all I need. Daria: Damn. (looks at the clock) Well, we'd better go. I don't want to have to deal with family court. Damian: Family court? Daria: Yeah, it's a failed attempt at a fair trial. Damien: Isn't that a little bureaucratic. Daria: That's what I said. Damien: Anyway, You need a ride home? Daria: Sure. Jane? Cut to: Jane, who is still engossed in his sketchbook Jane: Yeah, sure, whatever. Daria turns and heads for the stairs. She stops and looks at his bookcases. She turns to Damien. Daria: Do you have any books on how to deal with irate parents. Damien: Check under Psychology. (pulls out a couple books and hands them to her. The first one is called "Pissed off Parents. How do deal with them, how to avoid them." The other is called "The basic elements of Matriarchal coersion." Damien: And, if all else fails. (hands her a binder. She opens it up and reads) Daria: "Foolproof scripts for the induction of hypnosis"? Damien: It's easier than you think. She sits down and starts reading. After a couple beats, he sits down next to her and starts pointing things out. She looks at him, smirks, and starts signing to him. He laughs. Roll Credits Alter Egos: Daria as a biker Jane as Emma Peel Damien as a snowboarder Kevin as a chemist (har har) Daria as a Lounge singer Mara as Fred Durst Damien as Jay Gordan O'neal as Darth Maul Damien as Satan Daria Logo. Fin --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Endnotes. (Sit tight. This one's a doozy.) See, standard "New character" story, nothing special. Ok, here are the rants Notes on Deafness and Deaf Culture: What does it mean to be deaf? Most (hearing) people define deafness as the inability to hear. Some go so far as to catagorize it as a "loss." -a person who deserves our pity, since s/he will never be "normal." To the deaf, this "Pathological" or disease model of deafness is pure crap. Deafness isn't a disease or a loss. It's a reality. People are white, people are black, people are deaf. It's part of their identity, to be proud of. Not dismissed as a tragedy. Most deaf people prefer being deaf and wouldn't change that for anything. A recent survey said that 86% of deaf people would refuse a cochlear implant, even if it were free. The deaf community celebrates deafness. If a deaf child is born to a hearing family, the family gets very nervous. They wonder how the child will function in a hearing world. By contrast, A deaf child born to deaf parents is considered a joyous occasion. The child will grow up, learn sign language and their native written language, and they can function just fine. While we're at it, let's look at some other misconceptions I've heard: Hearing Aids can restore hearing and help the deaf understand spoken language: Hearing aids basically amplify sounds. A person with hearing loss may be able to hear only low tones, or only high tones. They don't help people hear what they can't already register. Also, they can't help a person discern sounds. A deaf person may be able to "hear" enviornmental sounds. But, since s/he has probably never heard those sounds before, s/he probably won't recognize them. They also won't help discern words. since they have probably never heard those sounds before. However, hearing aids are important tools for providing clues for the deaf so they can understand the world around them. Deaf people can learn to lipread Do me a favor. When you're watching the evening news, turn the sound down all the way. Isn't it diffucult to discern words like: sit, knit, pit, bit, and get? Also, people put their hands over their mouths ane stuff like that, making lipreading all the more diffucult. Deaf people should learn to speak: For the profoundly deaf person, learning to speak when you have never heard sounds is like trying to visualize Paris if you have never seen a photograph of it and there is no description. It may take a deaf person years to learn the simplest of words. Even if they have some hearing. While some deaf people may use speech in dealing with hearing people, Among the deaf, speaking is unneccessary. Speech is usually associated with a rejection of sign language, and so it is considered unnatural and confining to the deaf community. Deaf people use sign language Many people with a hearing loss don't use sign language. Some have enough hearing to function through hearing, lipreading, and maybe a little faking. Some people lose their hearing as a result of old age. and often those people don't admit it. Some just haven't been exposed to sign language. Most people who are born deaf, or who become deaf early in life, learn sign language. Deaf people prefer the term "Hearing Impaired" Deaf is used, more or less, to describe a life experience rather than denote a degree of hearing loss. In fact, "Hearing-Impaired" is used, more or less, by the hearing community. (I guess that someone "hard of hearing" or "Hearing impaired" is considered easier to talk to than some one who is "Deaf") Deaf culture doesn't use qualifying labels. Endnotes on the story: Jane: Ah, so that's why the French don't bathe: Whenever I was in acting class, I had to do these improvised conversations. This is how I usually started it. Damien's description: Basically, this is what I look like. I was never good at creating fictional characters, so I usually wrote myself into my stories. All of my characters are based on real people. Daria: Jane, I still have that dress form my cousin's wedding. Watch it From an exchange in the episode "I Don't" When Daria was being fitted for a bridesmaid's dress. Jane: Why Scarlett, you grow lovelier by the day Daria: I will kill you, and bury your body, in this dress Der Prozeß: This is meant to signify that he is reading it in the original German. In the original stories, he could read 136 languages. Daria: Jane, why don't you pass the time by playing Solitare: A reference to a book called "The Manchurian Candidate" about a guy who is brainwashed into being an assassian. The game of solitare was used clear his memory before he was to be given an assignment. A good book. "History of the Deus ex Machina" A Deus ex machina (lit. God in the machine) is a screenwriting tool invented by the Greeks. The concept is this. In a play, just when everything seemed absolutely hopeless, an actor (playing a god) would be lowered by a winch (the machine) onto the stage, fix everything up all nice and purty, and leave. Nowadays it refers to an improbable way for a screenwriter to get his characters out of an otherwise hopeless situation. By using Daria's book, I'm basically admiting that Daria would probably not want to learn ASL, but, for the purpose of the story, she kind of needed to. Machivelli meets Svengali meets a demented Martha Stewart": Niccolo Machiavelli: Wrote "The Prince" A short novel on how to achieve and maintain power. Svengali: The main character in a novel by George Du Maurier. Svengali was an individual who "captured" this young woman through hypnosis. He then hypno-trained her into a split personality. (and a fabulous singer.) She then kept him as a puppet-master and he spent his life sponging off of her concert performances. The name has come to refer to anyone who seems to have a demonic will over people. Phreaking: A method of ripping off the phone company. From my knowledge, you can also listen in on phone conversations and hack into answering machines. Experiments in the production of anti-social and self-destructive behaviour through hypnosis and other forms of coersion. : This is based on an actual psychology paper, entitled "Experiments in the hypnotic production of anti-social and self-injurous behavior." by a guy named Brenman (I can't recall his first name.) There are a bunch of other studies like this. "After what happened at Columbine, I was the most feared kid at my old school: That's based on real life. I really was one of the most feared kids in my school from Columbine until I graduated. I resented this trait immensely, but I still milked it occasionally none the less. Jodie: Still, isn't she supposed to hire an interpreter for you?: According to the Americans with Disabilities act, a school or business that enrolls or hires a deaf person must also hire an interpreter for them. I didn't have Damien have a interpreter because that would defeat the purpose of the buildup I had going. This line is meant to address that I know he is supposed to have one. Daria: She could put that money to better use, like bribing the school board/Damien: and that's tax deductable: I read somewhere that, in the U.S. tax code, bribary of government officials is considered a business expense. Damien: Let's just say that what would have been my crowning achievement went horribly, horribly wrong. A reference to the last story in the Damien Chronicles, which were a series of seven stories from which Damien and his family were created. Here is the story. Damien's partner in crime was expelled from school after openly complaining about how the Jocks in her science class were getting straight A's while everyone else was failing. She and Damien decided to stage a protest. And, despite the threat of expulsion for Damien, they went ahead with it. Their principal, Mr. Rollo, tried every legal means to remove the protesters. But when that failed, he decided to take matters into his own hands and... Well, I won't say. Like Damien said. I'll explain later. Gallaudet University: A four year liberal arts college for deaf and hard of hearing students. From what I've heard about it, it's a very good school. It's just that O'neal assuming that because he's deaf that he's going to a deaf college that pisses him off. O'neal: Ms. Manson finds nothing wrong: I couldn't find a way for Damien to get out of self esteem class, so I had it where he never needed it in the first place. Phil, The prince of insufficient light A character in the Dilbert® comic strip The epic tale of Mr. Schneider A reference to the third story in the Damien chronicles. Which was based on something that I would have done in real life, if the principal didn't stop me. I'll explain in the next fic. Regular Lucrezia Borgias The Borgia's lived in Italy during the Renaissance. They are considered to be the first crime family in history. Lucrezia basically married guys who could offer her family something. Then she would divorce them whenever her family formed new alliances. Damien intimidating Miss Barch I sort of have this way of dealing with womynists. I don't do anything. It's just that I produce in them the idea that I could do something. It is the best way to get them to stop bothering me. Kevin's chemistry experiment Based on actual events. Myself and one of the jocks at my school were staying behind in chemistry. I was helping the teacher out, he was finishing up an assignment. This was our conversation: Jock: Hey James, I have a question. Me: What Jock: Theoretically, what would happen if you put dry ice in a bottle. Me: Did you, theoretically, chop it up? Jock: Yeah Me: How small? Jock: Pretty small Me: Did you theoretically cap it? Jock: Yeah Me: Did you theoretically add hot water? Jock: No Me: Theoretically, in about 45 minutes, it will go pop and send possibly deadly shards of frozen plastic everywhere. Do I want to know why you're asking this? I looked at him and saw him throwing something out the window. Jock: Um, probably not. (he then ran out of the room.) sure enough, about half an hour later, I heard a VERY loud pop. Great story, huh? BTW: yes, you can make a bomb out of dry ice and water. And yes, they are legal. (Except in the state of Utah) The problem is that there is no way to accurately predict when it'll blow. (it could be anywhere from thirty seconds to an hour, depending on the conditions) And when they go pop, they sound exactly like an M-100 going off. Also, under the right circumstances, IT CAN KILL YOU!!!! Don't try this at home unless you can run like hell. Better Ear Average: You remember when you had to take those hearing tests in grade school? This is what they were doing. They play three tones into each ear. (500 hz and 1 & 2 Khz, respectively) What they do is they play these tones at increasing decibel levels until you can barely hear them. They take the dB reading, for each ear, then go to the next tone, etc. At the end, they add up the decibel readings and take the average. (the better ear average) If it's (I think) 60 dB or above, you're legally deaf. 90 or above, you're profoundly deaf. The Decapitated body of Graham No real reason behind it. I figured Damien didn't know the lawndale students enough to hate him this much. Also, when Damien was growing up, he went to a boarding school which he hated. I guess Graham was one of his school mates. Maiko?, Masako? What can I say, I like Japanese names. Pachinko: Basically, Japanese slot machines. What you do is you purchase these little steel ball bearings and drop them into the machine. When you turn the handle on the bottom right, one ball shoots up into the inside of the machine and drop into one of a number of small holes at the bottom. The object is for the ball to drop into the "Start hole." When this happens, the centerslot holes start to spin like a slot machine. If the slots match, you win. Many people consider this proof of the decline of the Japanese civilization. Mara Kinsington is basically my mother. her personal style comes from the older sister of my best friend. I liked the look. The Popular kids avoided me like the plague: I was originally going to have Damien experience a lot of resistance once his secret came out, (A la, Triumph of the Retart, by Peter Guerin) but then I decided that the Lawndale students seemed more noncaring than overtly mean. Berk: Broad term of insult. Equiv. to the American "Moron" It's from Cockney Rhyming slang, which is the age old practice of decribing objects by a rhyming alternative. ex.Britney Spears=beers, Rasberry tart=fart (So when you "Blow a rasberry at someone, you are making a farting noise.) Often the last element will be dropped. (berk comes from Berkshire hunt=cunt.) And Finally: Foolproof scripts for the induction of hypnosis: I saw something like this on the internet the other day. I haven't tried them (yet) but I heard they're excellent. Well, that's it Away, I say Thou shalt know more hearafter GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BASTARDS, ALL OF YA sorry, that was uncalled for Look, just hit the back button.