Relatively True
by J
Disclaimer: "Daria" is © and ® MTV, a division of Viacom
Entertainment. Daria and all her cohorts (except for the Kinsingtons) were
created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis. The Kinsingtons were created and are
© J. Use of the Kinsingtons without the permission of the author for the
purpose of turning a profit is prohibited. I would suggest you didn't,
because...Trust me, you don't want to know
Also also, if you have any comments, questions, or you just
want to tell me I suck, e-mail me at:
incubus637@aol.com
Enjoy
"You're
Standing On My Neck" begins to play, but the title sequence will be as
follows:
It is night. Camera sweeps over a rooftop. Stop on Mara, who nods
her head and says: "All right. If we're gonna do it." She turns her head to
the right and continues: "Let's do the bloody thing right." Music begins
now. Mack and Damien are in Shakespearian costumes. Mack has his head
shaved. He looks absolutely PISSED. He grabs Damien and pushes him into
a rectangular pool of water at the front of the stage.
Daria and Darren are standing in what looks like a fast food kitchen. They
are wearing rather embarrassing uniforms that have the American Flag design on
them. There is an older man standing between them. He grabs his head and falls
over backward. Daria and Darren look at him, look at each other, and
shrug.
We see O'Neill standing, in the auditorium, next to a middle aged woman.
Suddenly, Damien runs into the shot and tackles her.
Darkness. Then some stage lights turn on. Mystik Spiral is standing on a very
large stage, instruments ready. Trent has his back turned to the camera. The
rest of the band looks scared $#!7less. Trent turns around and gets the same
expression on his face. The camera pans to behind him. Showing Mystik spiral
standing in front of a VERY large crowd.
Mara is sitting in a conference room. She looks bored as all hell. She then
pulls out a book called: Vaseline, gasoline, and five hundred other ways to
make plastic explosives.
Miranda is standing on stage at a school dance of some kind. She is playing a
guitar. In the background, Darren is playing bass, Damien is playing drums,
and a slightly older version of the brothers Kinsington is on the other
guitar. Darren is wearing a dress shirt, unbuttoned, a white t-shirt
underneath, black slacks, and black Doc Martins. Damien is shirtless. Miranda
is wearing a white pixie dress and her hair is done in a set of tight braids,
each braid colour alternating red and purple. She is playing what looks like a
very complicated solo. Trent is staring at her in awe.
Daria and Jane are in the theatre. Daria is wearing a black t-shirt and
jeans. Jane is dressed as she usually is. Upchuck is accosting the girls.
Miranda grabs him and pulls him off camera. Daria and Jane look in their
direction, then exchange looks of nausea.
Our heroes are standing in front of a bulletin board reading a notice. Camera
moves down the line. Daria looks impassive, Jane looks shocked, Damien has a
scowl, Darren looks angry, Miranda looks absolutely pissed. She is
breathing heavily, gnashing her teeth, and her left eye is twitching. She
closes her eyes and screams something.
Jodie is standing in front of Mr DeMartino's class, giving a presentation. She
puts her left hand to her forehead and continues. She puts her hand to her
forehead again. A couple beats later, she collapses.
The cast is in what looks like a big city. Jane is struggling against Daria,
Darren, and Miranda, who are trying to hold her back. Jane breaks free and
runs up the steps into a large building. Darren and Miranda look at each
other
Stacy is running down the halls of Lawndale High. Sandi is running after her
wielding a blood stained Chainsaw.
Close up on Daria, who smirks as the Daria Logo comes up over a yellow
background.
Daria in:
Continued from when we last left off. (And no, I won't recap for you)
Fade In:
We see Stacy standing where we last left her. She is hyperventilating
Darren: You OK?
Although still in shock, Stacy nods
Darren: So, will you do it?
Stacy: I don't know. Can I ask Sandi first?
Darren winces. He knows what Sandi would say
Darren: Why? What does she have to do with this
Stacy: Well, she's, like, my best friend. And I know that she
really wanted the part, and...
Darren gets a look of pity
Darren: Does she have that big a hold over you?
Stacy: (confused) Um...what does hairspray have to do with this?
Darren winces again
Darren: Don't worry about Sandi, We'll deal with her
Stacy: Um...okay. But I'm still gonna ask...
Darren closes his eyes and sighs. He knows that this conversation is going
nowhere
Miranda: Erm...Hey Darren, You mind if I try to talk to her?
Darren: (deadpans) Be my guest
Scene: Girls Bathroom
Miranda and Stacy enter.
Miranda: Now, I know how you consider Sandi to be your best
friend...
Stacy: Yeah! I mean, she's so nice. Especially to Quinn, who
came here last, and...
Miranda: Um...Stacy? That's an act
Stacy: (confused) What?
Miranda: It's an act. Sandi and Quinn hate each other
Stacy: (Disbelieving) No they don't
Miranda: (sighs) Look, they may appear that way in public, but trust
me. They'd be nowhere as civil if they were alone
Stacy looks confused and slightly offended that Miranda would talk about
them like that
Stacy: You mean she lied to me?!
Miranda: Well, I wouldn't put it that way, but...
Stacy: (shaking her head. She's in tears) No! Sandi's not like that.
Why would she pretend to like someone that she hates?
Miranda: (backing off a bit) This is just how I see it.
Stacy covers her ears and squeezes her eyes shut
Stacy: STOP IT! STOP IT!
Miranda: Why do you like someone who doesn't show an ounce of respect
to you?
Stacy's anger starts to boil over
Miranda: I mean, think about it. She doesn't show you any semblance of
friendship, so why the hell do you still treat her like the queen of the
[censored] planet
Stacy's anger finally releases itself. She slaps Miranda, who turns her head
to the side. She rubs her cheek and looks back at Stacy.
Miranda: (to herself) Ok. Change of tactics (out loud) Look. I'm not
asking you to agree to this right now. Just...This is your decision. Sandi
should have nothing to do with this. I'll let you decide
Miranda goes to leave. Stacy gets a thinking look to her. She then turns to
Miranda
Stacy: Um... What's your name?
Miranda: Miranda. Miranda Juliet Kinsington
Stacy: Can Sandi, like, not know about this
Miranda smirks a little
Miranda: If you don't want to tell her, she won't know until it's too
late
Stacy muses over this. Then, resigned, she nods her head
Stacy: Ok. (softer) ok. I'll do it
Miranda smirks again and exits.
CUT TO: outside the bathroom
Darren is sitting, indian style, against a row of lockers. He looks up at
Miranda, as she comes out. He focuses on her cheek, which is still a bit
red
Darren: Well?
Miranda sighs
Miranda: Let the deprogramming begin
Scene: O'Neill's classroom.
O'Neill is sitting at his desk, having a little talk with Kolinski
Music: "Big Pimpin" by Jay-Z (Just the intro. I wouldn't torture you
by making you listen to his ramblings about what he does in his free time)
O'Neill: Diane, I'm rather disturbed that you made that cast change
without consulting me.
Kolinski: (firmly) Well, If you had more control over your students,
this may not have been an issue
O'Neill: But that poor Quinn. She must be having a really hard time
with this
CUT TO: The girl's room
The fashion club is standing in front of the mirror, preening themselves
Music: "Stupified" by Disturbed
Quinn: (As her usual bubbly self) So, then they kicked me off that
stupid play. Good thing. It's not like I want to have people see me
in that ugly Roman dress, or whatever
Sandi I agree, Quinn. That play was not up to our standards
Quinn: Exactly!
Sandi: But, Since this is a public event, I would be remiss no other members
of the Fashion Club participated. Therefore, I shall force myself to sign up when
they redo the auditions
Stacy: (quietly) eep!
They all turn to Stacy, who has her hands over her mouth.
Sandi: (chiding) Stay-cee, Maybe you should do something to correct
that Turrets syndrome, or whatever
Stacy: Um...sorry
Sandi gets a look of confidence. She turns to Stacy
Sandi: By the way, I hope you remember that it's your turn to host the
Fashion Club meeting tonight
Stacy looks REALLY scared now
Stacy: Um...I can't
The rest of the Fashion Club look shocked
Sandi: And why not? Is there something that could possibly be more
important than your only true friends?
Stacy: (wincing. obviously trying to get the courage to lie to Sandi)
No, it's just...There's this friend of the family thing. My mother's making me
go
Sandi: Oh. Well, then I guess we'll have it at my house
Stacy breathes a sigh of relief
CUT BACK TO: O'Neill's room
O'Neill: You know, Diane, When I was in high school, I was pretty
headstrong myself.
Kolinski rolls her eyes
O'Neill: (continuing) But, In time, I learned that you need others to
help you do the job, after all "Many hands...make for light work"
Kolinkski rolls her eyes, then checks her watch
Kolinski: Speaking of others, I want to get to rehearsal early.
O'Neill looks at the clock
O'Neill: Oh, dear! Is it almost time already?
Scene: The Theatre
Darren is making an inventory of the tool cabinet. Damien, and Daria are on stage
Music: "I'm With Stupid" by Static X
Damien: (Snaching a white handkerchief) Why? What's that to you?
Daria: (completely deadpan) If it be not for some purpose of import,
Give't me again: poor lady, she'll run mad
When she shall lack it
O'Neill: Um...
Damien: Be not acknowledged.
Damien looks over to Miranda, who's telling him to stop. Damien
acknowledges her
O'Neill: Um...Good, Daria, But next time, lets be a little
bit...emotional
Stacy walks on camera next to Kolinski
Kolinski: Aah, you made it. cool (To The people on the stage) Ok,
guys? Let's pick this up later. I want Stacy here to get in some rehearsal
time
Kolinski leaves, Camera pans right to show Stacy and Upchuck standing next to
each other. Stacy winces in disgust. Upchuck is his normal (if you can
call it that) self
Upchuck: Mmm, Someone has been reading my dreams.
Stacy continues to wince. Darren comes up behind them
Upchuck: Oh, don't worry. I'm sure there'll be plenty of times for you
to warm up to me backstage. Let me...
He is interrupted by a high pitched humming sound. Upchuck gets a scared
shitless look to him as he yelps at the sound and runs offcamera We see Darren
was standing behind him, holding a Makita (screwgun) at about the level of
Upchuck's head.
Girl: (offcamera) Ugh! Get off me, you pervert!
Upchuck growls. Darren looks at Upchuck, who yelps again
Stacy: Uh...thanks?
Darren just shrugs. Camera cuts to Damien, who's sitting with Miranda on the
edge of the stage. They are both going over translations of the play into
ASL
Damien: (talking about Darren) Hmm, little love interest going on?
(grins)
Miranda: Not bloody likely. (beat) Hey, you know our brother
Damien smirks and takes a drink from his water bottle. Miranda points to it.
Damien passes it to her, where she takes a drink and sets it between them.
Camera cuts to Daria as Mack comes up next to her
Mack: Hey, have you seen Damien around?
Daria: (completely deadpan)Yeah, he's over there, sharing fluids with
his sister
Mack chuckles and exits. Camera stays on Kevin, who was standing behind them.
He looks absolutely shocked
Scene: Lawndale High hallway
Mack is standing at his locker, getting his books. A rather eccentric Kevin is
standing beside him
Music: "Jackass" by Green Day
Kevin: But, Mack Daddy!
Mack: (Annoyed) Kevin, I'm sure you just misunderstood Daria's
comment
Kevin: No way, dude! She said they were "sharing fluids!" (disgusted
look) I mean, that's pretty twisted. I know what she meant by that. I'm
not that stupid when it comes to stuff like this
Mack: As opposed to most of the time?
Kevin: (Not getting it) Uh...yeah!
Mack tries not to laugh as he exits
Mack: See ya
Camera follows Mack as the three J's run up to him
Joey: Hey, did you hear about the Kinsingtons?
Mack groans and puts his face in his hands
Jeffy: Yeah, we heard it from Kevin.
Mack rolls his eyes and walks off camera
Joey: Hey, where ya goin?
Mack: (offcamera) To go warn someone
Scene: School Hallway
Damien, Darren, Daria and Miranda are standing against a brick wall, looking
angry. Mack walks up
Music:
Mack: Uh...I just thought you might want to...
Darren: (coldly) We know
Mack: But do you know who did it?
Damien: We gathered
Darren: (to Daria) You do realise that we're holding you
personally responsible for this
Daria: (Mildly offended) Hey! What did I do?
Damien: Made that remark within earshot of Kevin (Turns back to
the group) Options?
Darren: A good maiming? (beat) Hell, we thought about it last time
Miranda: Nah, he's the star quarterback. I think Ms. Li'll notice
Daria: Thought about what?
Miranda sighs
Miranda: It's a long story...
Flashback: Four years ago
We see two sixteen year old girls. One (Miranda) has long brown hair
(like, down to the small of her back long) tied back into a ponytail. She is
wearing baggy carpenter jeans and a baggy blue t-shirt. The other girl
(her identical twin, Michelle) has shorter, shoulder length brown hair, round
glasses, and is wearing black slacks and a rather tight, olive drab t-shirt.
They are both sitting at a table in the Kenesha high school cafeteria.
Miranda: (In a slightly thicker accent than she has now)...So then,
'e says about Damien: "Well, 'e's British, so he must know what
he's talking about"
Michelle laughs
Michelle: (in a slightly higher voice) Sounds perfectly logical. (looks
at her watch) Ooh, I gotta go. (points to her food) You wanna finish this
up?
Miranda shrugs. Michelle smiles and leaves. A couple seconds later, a rather
*cute* guy (As Quinn would put it) Walks past Miranda's table
Guy: (slightly nervous) Uh...hey Miranda. Uh...that's a lot of food
there
Miranda: (dryly, without looking up) Oh, yeah. I'm eating for two
today
Miranda pauses for a second, then face faults. She looks in the guy's
direction.
Miranda: Wait! I...
too late
Guy: (offscreen) Hey Everyone! Guess what!
Miranda face faults again
Back to the present...
Miranda: (muttering) Stupid little...
Daria: So, our school isn't the only one with people like Kevin
Darren: Sorry to break it to ya. (back to the group) Well, what do
we do?
Damien: Maiming?
Darren: Logical convincing?
Daria: .357 magnum to the temples?
Damien: (smirking) Now there's an idea
Darren: Well, We'll have to think of something
They see a female student walk by. The student briefly looks at them, then
quickly averts her eyes.
Daria: Let me guess, something to embarass those responsible?
Darren: You know the family
Montage
Music: "Unforgiven" by Creed
We see:
Damien and Darren are sitting at lunch. Behind them, we see several football
players throwing food at them and making rather rude gestures
Daria, Jane (whoa! Never thought she'd make an appearance in this, did
ya?) and Tom are sitting in Pizza King. Miranda comes up to their booth. A
couple kids walk past, giving Miranda some dirty looks
Daria and Miranda are walking down Lawndale high. A kid comes up to taunt
Miranda. Cut to Miranda stuffing said kid into a garbage can
Darren and Damien are being yelled at by a kid who is constantly pointing to
a copy of the Bible. The two just stand there rolling their eyes
Downtown Lawndale. Damien sees Kevin staring at at Ashley-Amber Taylor. Damien
smirks and write something in a notebook
The Kinsingtons pass by Ms Li's office. Ms Li gives them a rather disgusted
look
Damien is laying on his bed, late at night, reading How To Change Anyone's
Opinion About Anything. He starts to highlight various passages
End Montage
Scene: Ms. Manson's office
Damien and Miranda are sitting at Ms. Manson's desk, looking completely
bored. Ms. Li is standing behind Ms. Manson
Li: (to Damien and Miranda) Now, as you know, there have been some…
distasteful stories circulating around about your family. (shudders.) I
would be remiss in my duties as an educator if I did not try to get to the
bottom if this. So, if you will, please cooperate with Mrs. Manson. She is
the best-qualified to deal with your (she purses her lips in disgust) unique
situation.
Miranda: Um, right.
Li: That is all! Good day!
Ms. Li leaves
Manson: All right, well, I suppose that you two know why you’ve been
sent here today.
Damien: (signing to Miranda) Why do I feel like I'm about to lose all
respect for the APA?
Miranda stifles a smirk, then nods.
Manson: What did he say?
Miranda: (Talking and signing at the same time) Damien just said
that he doesn't understand why we were brought here.
Manson: (wide-eyed) Well, you see, the situation that the two of you
are in is rather… taboo in this country.
Damien: (signing, Miranda translating) Which situation? Being deaf?
Or being British?
Manson: Er, no. Ms. Li was referring to the stories that the two of
you have been practicing, um, incest.
Miranda: (ironic) Wherever would you get an idea like that?
Manson: (misses the sarcasm) I believe that it first came to our
attention when a student overheard another student’s comment about the two of
you “sharing fluids.”
Damien pulls a water bottle out of his backpack and takes a drink.
Miranda: Thirdhand. And you got incest from that?
Miranda motions Damien for the water bottle. Damien hands it over. Miranda
drinks, pointedly looking at Mrs. Manson.
Manson: Now, I understand that this is a sensitive subject, but we
really are only concerned for your well-being. Behavior like this just isn’t
normal, and it isn’t healthy.
Damien takes the water back from Miranda and drinks, also looking pointedly at Manson.
Damien: (as before, with Miranda translating) Well, we do share
fluids. I suppose you're worried about germs?
Manson: (irked) Well, yes, but I was referring to your mental
health.
Miranda takes the water bottle and drinks again. The water is almost gone by
now.
Miranda: (to Damien) I suppose she's right. We'd both probably be a
lot happier if we each brought our own bottles of water. She hands the water
bottle to Damien, who finishes it off. He sets the bottle down on Mrs.
Manson’s desk with a bang. Manson jumps.
Manson: (confused) Water? (Mutters to herself) I don’t want to know.
(To the Kinsingtons) Do your parents know about what's going on?
Miranda and Damien look at each other.
Damien: (to Miranda, who does not translate) This would be a lot
easier if she was just a little bit smarter.
Miranda: Mrs. Manson, Damien and I have been sitting here sharing
fluids right here in front of you.
Manson leaps up from her desk to get a better look at them. After a moment,
she sits down, sheepishly.
Manson: Um, what?
Miranda picks up the water bottle and waves it in front of Mrs. Manson’s
face.
Manson: Oh, I see. (Pause, as it dawns on her.) Oh!
Miranda: It never occurred to anyone that perhaps the story got
garbled in translation.
Manson: (upset) Oh my.
Miranda: (sniffles--she’s faking, but once again Manson doesn’t get
it) And now, with the comments and the snickering and the being ostracized…
(sniffles again) I don’t know. I just don’t feel good about myself
anymore.
Manson: (brightening) Well, dear, we do have a self-esteem class
here at Lawndale High that could help you with that.
Miranda stands.
Miranda: Uh, I'm not a student, If I want to talk to O'Neill, I
will?
Manson: (calmly) Oh. Then, what would you suggest?
Damien: (smiles wickedly) My family would like the opportunity to
make a little statement at the next assembly.
Manson: (adamant) Well, I guess that could be arranged…
Damien: (also stands) See that you do.
Damien and Miranda exit. Mrs. Manson picks up the water bottle, looking at
it thoughtfully. Then she drops it on her desk, shuddering slightly.
Scene: LH Auditorium
Ms Li is standing on stage, speaking. The Kinsingtons are sitting
upstage, along with Mr. O'Neill, waiting to make a statement
Music: "Eva" by Orgy
Li: And so, those responsible for that disgusting incident with
the noodles have been found and punished accordingly (winces). And now, we
have the Kinsingtons here, who'll attempt to disprove a malicious rumor
that's been floating around (scoffs)
They get up and walk to the front of the stage.
O'Neill: (nervously) Uh...thank you
Damien: (signing to Miranda) Here we go again
Miranda smirks
Darren starts speaking
O'Neill: Now, I'm sure you've all heard a lot of rumors going around
about the Kinsingtons practicing (shudders) ew.
Miranda glares at O'Neill
O'Neill: And I just want to say, sharing rumors ...
Darren glares at O'Neill
Darren: You're not helping us
The audience laughs
O'Neill: Oh...uh...what I meant to say was...
Darren grabs the microphone away from O'Neill, who eep's.
Darren: (slightly angry) What we meant to say was that, for the
past three days, your star quarterback had heard something and took it to mean
that we practice incest. We're here to say that that is complete and utter
BULLSHIT.
Li: (offscreen) What the...?!
Kevin: (offscreen) Hey! Don't talk like that, I'm the QB!
The Kinsingtons and Mack: (in unison, angry) We know
Kevin: Oh, well...at least I'm not practicing insects!
Miranda rolls her eyes, then takes the microphone from Darren
Miranda: Oh, I dunno. Don't I always see you lusting after your
girlfriend's stepmom?
Brittany: (offscreen) KEVVY! HOW COULD YOU (slap!)
Kevin: OW! But babe!
The audience laughs. Damien turns to Miranda and signs...
Damien: Uh, Don't you think you're stretching that a bit?
Miranda: Get bent
Darren: (smirking) While we're on the subject of Brittany, How many
of you have seen Brit's stepmom?
some members of the audience raise their hands
Darren: (in a shit eating grin) Well, have you ever noticed how they
look, shall I say, rather suspiciously alike? Particularly since they have no
blood relation, as far as we know
Brittany: What are you saying?!
Miranda: C'mere.
Brittany comes to the front row, Miranda jumps down from the stage and walks to her.
Miranda: Just that the possibility exists that (whispers into Brittany's ear)
Brittany: (shocked) You don't know that!
Darren: Well, you don't know about us, either. So don't start making
up rumours about us
The audience is silent. Finally, Kevin speaks up
Kevin: So, uh...does this mean you don't practice insects?
Darren: (straight faced) No, Nor do we practice incest. Last
time I checked, sharing a bottle of water wasn't a perversion
Kevin: Oh, Well, uh...sorry, dude
The Kinsingtons walk offstage and join Daria.
Jane: Nice work
Darren: Thanks
Scene: Hallway outside Daria's locker
Daria: So, pizza?
Jane: Why not? Now that you all can manage to share a booth
Damien: (signing. Miranda translating) Don't even joke about that
Jane: And think of the important lesson learned
Darren: and what is that lesson?
Jane: (shrugs) Your guess is as good as mine
Miranda smirks.
Jane: And Trent's playing tonight. (to Miranda) I'm sure he'd like
to see you there
Miranda blushes
Miranda: Erm...cool
Jane smirks
Jane: (to Daria, who's glaring at her) What? I like to be a yenta. It
makes me feel like a normal sibling
Daria: Since when have you ever wanted to be normal?
Jane: (beat) Touché, Morgendorffer
Daria smirks. Enter Kevin
Kevin: Hey, uh...So, when you said you were "sharing a water
bottle," you didn't really mean "Sharing a water bottle," right?
Darren rolls his eyes, turns around, and bangs his head against the back wall
of Daria's locker
Roll Credits
Finally. First of all, before I get to the endnotes, I would like to give
MANY thanks to the Canadibrit and Lady B, if no other reason than just for
encouraging me to not give the whole thing up. And to CB in particular for her
comments during the various stages of the fic's evolution. Thanks to the both
of ya
Endnotes:
Miranda: Why do you like someone who doesn't show an ounce of
respect to you?/Miranda: I mean, think about it. She doesn't show you
any semblance of friendship, so why the hell do you still treat her like the
queen of the [censored] planet? Thanks to those of you on the PPMB who
suggested them (Queen Jossie and MeScribble)
Turret's syndrome Tourette's Syndrome. A psychological disorder
characterised by tics -- involuntary, rapid, sudden movements or vocalizations
that occur repeatedly in the same way. In this case, Sandi was making fun of
Stacy "Eep"ing
"Many hands...make for light work" someone suggested that on
IRC. I forget who it was, but thanks, if you're reading this
Oh, yeah. I'm eating for two today Based on a line from one of
my ex-coworkers (albeit with different results)
How To Change Anyone's Opinion About Anything No, this isn't a
real book
The Scene in Ms. Manson's office Writing Cred goes out to
MeScribble, who wrote most of the scene
Li: And so, those responsible for that disgusting
incident with the noodles have been found and punished accordingly
(winces). What this is all about is to be left to your own imagination
Insects This is a semi-reference to "Revelations" by Steven
Galloway. (I say "semi" because it wasn't a conscious decision to include it.
I mean, C'mon! You know Kevin would confuse the two words =-)
Darren: (in a shit eating grin) Well, have you ever noticed how
they look, shall I say, rather suspiciously alike? This was a
conversation that came up on IRC right when I was having trouble coming up
with a way for our heroes to convince the school that the rumour was false.
Impeccable timing, ne?
Jane: And Trent's playing tonight. (to Miranda) I'm sure he'd
like to see you there/ Miranda blushes Oh, boy, here we go again
;-)
Well, Until next time...
End Of File