Through a Closet, Darkly
- - -
AUTHOR'S NOTE - I don't usually start a story out with a long and detailed author's note, and I'm not going to here, either. I merely want to give you - the most gracious reader - a warning in advance. Odds are that you will find this confusing the first time through, if you don't read carefully. This is a story about dimension-swapping, and so therefore you will be seeing events occurring in two different universes, and seeing (in some cases) two different sets of characters with the same names and basic personalities. And you'll probably get confused. This is not your fault, this is my fault, and the fault of the script format. If you could see it in motion, there'd be no problem, so start writing MTV now, folks. Just kidding. In any event, I have tried to do a few things to minimize confusion, while still allowing the story to work on its own merits. The first of these is the "WIPE TO" camera direction. If you see this, this signifies a transfer between dimensions. Usually this appears in conjunction with an "ALTERNATE" or "NORMAL" tag, to signify to which universe you are being transported. However - and here is where the careful reading comes into play - when locations native to one universe but not to the other are introduced, you won't see these "ALT." or "NORM." tags, and so therefore I ask you to read carefully, and if you get confused to read it again. Also, this story rates a hard TV-14 for suggestive dialogue, suggestive situations, and some language. Thanks and Disclaimers at the end. But enough of my yacking. Let's boogie!
- - -
1. FADE IN: INT. JANE'S ROOM
Jane is sitting at her computer, typing something. She stops, clicks the mouse once, and then sits back with a puzzled look on her face.
Jane: How in the hell can you have negative messages on a message board? It's not like a message disappears every time a new one gets posted.
2. CUT TO - AN APPLE CORE, ON HER BEDSIDE TABLE
It wobbles a little, as if in a very minor earthquake, and begins to roll towards the edge of the table.
Jane (O/S): Now how is anyone going to read my essay about the Mario Brothers' connection to the Mafia?
The apple rolls off the table, and lands with a splat. The remaining applesauce-like substance begins to creep towards the door.
3. CUT TO - CLOSE UP OF JANE
She turns the computer off, and stands up.
4. CUT TO - THE APPLE MUSH ON THE FLOOR
It quits 'crawling'. We see her boots approach the mess. They stop right before they step in it.
Jane (O/S): What have we here - mashed apple? What are you doing over here - trying to escape from the dungeon of Jane? (Beat) All right, why am I talking to a rotten apple? Why am I talking to myself? I really need to find something else to occupy my time.
The boots walk away from the mush, and it remains where it is.
5. CUT TO - EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH, DAY
Daria and Jane sit on the grass, in the shade.
Jane: See, they're plumbers from New York. You never see them actually doing any plumbing, do you?
Daria: And this means what to me?
Jane: Why doesn't anybody see the connection? Mario and Luigi. Plumbers. In New York City. They're gangland enforcers, damn it!
Daria: Uh-huh. Tell me, Jane, did they change your medication again?
Jane: Not that I know of.
Daria: Okay. Next you'll be telling me that the capital of the United States is Springfield.
Jane: You mean it's not?
Daria: Jane, were you dropped on your head as a child?
Jane (Deadpan): What were we just talking about? (Beat) You know, the strangest thing happened to me last night.
Daria: Trent stayed up late enough to cook you dinner?
Jane: No. I think that what was left of this apple I ate came alive and tried to escape from my room.
Daria: O-kay. (Beat) Jane, please tell me you're not painting with the window closed again.
Jane: I'm serious, Daria. How else could I explain the weird streak of rotten applesauce leading from the table towards the door?
Jane: You don't believe me, do you?
Daria (Deadpan): Yes, I believe you, Jane. And the Blair Witch Project was a good movie.
Jane: Why don't you just come over and see for yourself, little Miss Skepticism?
Daria (Drily): Well, I was planning on getting my nails done, but on the other hand, I could use a good laugh.
Jane: I've never seen you actually laugh, Daria.
Daria: I said I could use a good one, didn't I?
6. CUT TO - INT. JANE'S ROOM
Daria and Jane stand and stare at the mushy mess on the floor.
Daria: See what? Besides the image of Jesus and Elvis sharing a pizza, all I see is some rotten apple that someone stepped in.
Jane: I didn't step in it. I'm telling you, those are the remains of the apple I was eating last night, and -
Daria: Since when do you Lanes eat fruit, anyway?
Jane: Since I started a series of still lifes about the decline of western civilization, using apple cores and peach pits as metaphors. (Beat) In any event, it crawled over here all by itself.
Daria: And you're sure it couldn't have been the vibrations from Trent's guitar?
Jane: No, damn it! The vibrations from Trent's guitar couldn't reanimate a dead gerbil, let alone an otherwise-inanimate object like an apple.
Daria: Prove it, Kreskin.
She walks out of the room, and down the hall.
Jane (O/S): TRENT! TRENT! WAKE UP, DAMN IT! (Triple beat) I DON"T CARE IF LITA FORD WAS ABOUT TO GIVE YOU A FULL BODY MASSAGE! (Another triple beat) JUST PLAY A POWER CHORD! (Beat) IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT FROM! JUST PLAY ONE, AND PLAY IT LOUD!
She comes back into the room, and stands next to Daria, staring at the floor.
Jane: I hate screaming down the stairs. (Beat) Watch this, Daria.
An eardrum-shattering chord reverberates around the house. A picture falls off the wall, and in the background we see a cockroach fleeing from the closet towards somewhere safer to its well-being. Naturally, the apple doesn't move an inch.
Daria: How can I see when I have my eyes closed in pain?
Jane: Oh. Right. One minute.
She walks out into the hall again.
Jane (O/S): TRENT! DO IT AGAIN! (Beat) YEAH, AGAIN!
She enters her room again.
Jane: This time, try to keep your eyes open.
The chord rips through the house again, and this time Jane's easel falls over in the background.
Jane: What do you say to that, Daria?
Daria: I say you're paying for new lenses for my glasses.
Jane: Come on. It wasn't that loud.
Daria: When was the last time you had your hearing tested?
Jane (Deadpan): What?
She looks over at Daria's eyes and - sure enough - one of her lenses is cracked.
Jane: Oh. Sorry.
Daria: Are you quite done proving to me that Trent's guitar is not responsible for your "moving" fruit? Or would you rather try and break the other lens?
Jane: Can't I do both?
Daria (Sighing): Jane, you're a good friend, but I honestly think you've been inhaling paint fumes for too long. There is simply no way that that stuff moved on its own. And if Trent wasn't responsible for it, then it didn't happen.
Jane: But... but...
Daria walks over to the computer and turns it on.
Jane: What are you doing?
Daria: Finding you a nice, quiet place where the fruit won't be able to taunt you anymore.
7. CUT TO - THE APPLE
It's starting to 'crawl' again, somewhat slower than before.
8. CUT TO - INT. JANE'S ROOM
Jane is watching the fruit. Daria is typing at the computer.
Jane: Look! Look!
Daria (Not looking): What is it? Is the fruit calling you funny names? (Beat) If you ignore it, it will go away, you know.
Jane walks over to Daria, and spins her around in the office chair. Daria looks once at the quivering, slowly 'crawling' apple stuff.
Jane: Look, damn it!
Daria: Okay, so it's moving.
She spins back around and begins typing again.
Daria: I think I'll see if they have a double suite available at New Bedlam.
Jane: Don't you want to know where it's going?
Daria: Probably off to die in your refrigerator, where it won't be stared at while it suffers.
Jane: I don't think it would like the refrigerator much.
Daria: Good point. The teenage mutant ninja carrots would probably eat it before its mushy little heart stopped beating.
Jane: Will you just come on?
9. CUT TO - THE APPLE
It slides underneath the door to Jane's room.
Jane(O/S): Quick! Before it gets away!
Daria (O/S, deadpan): Tally ho.
10. CUT TO - INT. HALLWAY
Jane is on her hands and knees, following the apple on the floor. Daria walks behind her, in a "Why the hell am I doing this, anyway?" sort of way.
Jane: It seems to be drawn to Trent's room.
Daria: Fascinating, captain. Shall I set phasers to kill?
Jane: No, Spock. We must study this specimen very carefully.
11. CUT TO - THE APPLE
It goes beneath the door to Trent's room, which is closed.
Daria (O/S): You realize that we could be committed for this, don't you?
Jane (O/S): For what - following around an animated pile of apple goo? Live a little, Daria.
Daria (O/S): "Live a little?" How is this living a little?
12. CUT TO - INT. HALLWAY
Jane: Beats me. Don't you want to at least find out why it wants to go into Trent's room?
Daria: No. This is where I get off, Jane.
Jane: Of course you do. It's Trent's room, after all.
Daria: I don't find that even remotely funny.
Jane: It all depends on where you're standing.
Jane opens the door.
Daria: I'm serious, Jane. I don't want to go in there. That time for the lyrics was bad enough.
Jane opens the door and walks in.
Jane (O/S): Are you coming, Daria?
Daria scowls, but eventually follows Jane into the lair of Trent.
13. CUT TO - THE APPLE
It slides towards the closet door.
14. CUT TO - INT. TRENT'S ROOM
The room looks rather messy, especially around the closet area, where there are all manner of things piled up. The apple paste moving towards the closet.
Daria: When was the last time this place was cleaned?
Jane: The last ice age, I think.
15. CUT TO - THE APPLE
It slides beneath the closet door.
16. CUT TO - INT. TRENT'S ROOM
Daria and Jane are standing in front of the closet door.
Daria: Oh, no. There is no way in hell that I am going into there.
Jane: What are you afraid of? It's just a closet.
Daria: And Pandora's Box was just a piggy bank.
Jane: What's the worst thing we could find?
Daria: I don't want to think about it.
Jane: An altar dedicated to your worship?
Daria: I said, I don't want to think about it.
Jane: Come on, Daria. There's nothing to be afraid of.
Daria: Except maybe ending up in a bad parody of some old radio show.
Jane: Don't be such a spoil-sport.
She leans against the closet door, one hand on the knob.
Jane: All right, apple - we know you're in there. Throw down your pectins and come out with your pseudopods in the air!
She opens the door.
17. CUT TO - AN EMPTY CLOSET
Jane (O/S): What the hell?
Daria (O/S): An empty closet. How exciting.
Jane(O/S): It has to be in here somewhere. Apples don't just disappear.
Daria (O/S): Apples don't just start moving under their own power, either.
Jane enters, and begins poking around. The trail, and the apple - as well as any clothing or slime molds that may have once been in the closet - have disappeared.
Jane: Hand me that flashlight, will you?
She points at something just off-screen. Daria walks into the closet.
Daria: What flashlight?
Jane: What do you mean, "what flashlight?" Trent always has a flashlight in here.
Daria: What for?
Jane: You know... I don't know.
Daria: In any event, there's nothing here. The apple has disappeared without a trace. Can we leave now?
As if on cue, Trent blasts another couple power chords which shake the house's foundations and close the closet door, keeping Daria and Jane inside. It is pitch black inside.
18. CUT TO - BLACK SCREEN
Jane (Deadpan): Now I see why he keeps a flashlight in here.
Daria: No, you don't. You can't see. It's dark.
Jane: Thanks so much for that piece of helpful advice, Mr. Wizard. (Beat) Cut it out.
Daria: Cut what out?
Jane: Pulling at my shirt. Listen, Daria, you're my best friend, but I'm not like that. No offense.
Daria: That isn't me doing that.
Jane: Say what?
Daria: Then that had better be you tugging at my skirt, instead of something else.
Jane: No such luck, amiga.
Daria: Uh... wall.
Daria: I think we're being dragged towards the wall.
Jane: I thought so. Any idea as to what's causing it, or what we can do about it?
Daria: We could always try walking towards the door.
Jane: Of course. (Double beat) Well, that accomplished a lot.
Daria: Yeah. Now we can do "walking against the wind" with the best of them.(No reply. Beat.) Jane? (No reply. Beat.) Well, this is certainly an interesting situation. (Beat). Oh, fu... (Silence after the u...)
19. CUT TO - INT. BEDROOM
Daria and Jane have fallen out of the closet, and are currently lying on the floor in front of it. In the corner, we see an easel positioned so that the painter is facing the window. There are paintings along the walls. The general layout is exactly the same as Trent's room. On the floor next to Daria, we can see the rancid pile that was once an apple core. Jane stands up and shakes her head, as if clearing it of a buzzing sound.
Jane: The next time I try to follow moving applesauce, you have my permission to knock me out.
Daria: Duly noted.
Daria stands up, too, and asks the most obvious question.
Daria: What just happened? (Beat) And where are we right now?
Jane: In answer to your first question, I believe we just fell through the wall of Trent's closet.
Daria: And about the second question?
Jane: I have no idea. (Beat) Although that easel does look rather familiar...
Jane walks over to the easel, and inspects it. Daria, meanwhile, just stands there and stares at her.
Jane: A-ha! This is my easel.
Daria: How can you tell? I've never been able to tell one apart from another.
Jane: Normally, I couldn't. But it has my personal seal on it.
Daria: Personal seal?
Jane: It's a monkey with a -
Daria: Forget I asked. I don't want to know, all right? I'll just take your word for it.
Jane: That might be a wise idea. My personal seal has a way of making strangers feel nauseous.
Daria: More information then I needed, thanks.
Jane: And yet, you still don't know what the monkey has...
Daria: Can we talk about something else, please? Like where the hell this is?
Jane: Wise move, oh partner of mine. (Beat) Based on the decor - not to mention the visual style of the artist of these magnificent paintings - I'd say we're standing in my room.
Daria: But isn't your room smaller then this?
Jane: What's your point? (Beat) This looks a lot more like Trent's room, actually.
Daria: Only without all of the mold and dust.
Jane: Exactly. (Beat) That settles it - I'm going back in that closet, and I'm not coming out until I find out what happened.
Jane walks back towards the closet, and opens the door.
20. CUT TO - INT. CLOSET
Several dark green button-down shirts the color of Daria's jacket rest on hangers. Nothing else is in sight.
Daria (O/S): Looks like the Jane who owns this room has more fashion sense then you do.
Jane: Green? (Beat) Does this mean I have orange t-shirts, too?
Daria (O/S): If you want the answer to that question, you're going to have to look in your dresser all by yourself. I am not going to look in there for you.
Daria walks over and enters the picture.
Daria: Don't mention it.
Jane walks into the closet and pounds on the back wall. When nothing happens, she bangs her head against it once.
Jane: Damn it!
Daria: I'd tell you not to do that, but it's more fun to watch you make a fool out of yourself.
Jane: Some friend you are. That hurt.
Daria: Why does that not surprise me?
Jane: It doesn't matter. The wall's solid. Whatever brought us to this "strange new world" isn't here anymore.
Daria: So we're stranded.
Jane: That looks to be the sum of it.
Daria (Deadpan): And there are so many things I never got to do.
Jane: Am I to assume that the young Thomas is among them?
Daria (Blushing slightly): That's not funny, Jane.
Jane (Deadpan): It wasn't meant to be.
Jane walks over towards a dresser.
21. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF JANE
She's in front of her dresser. She opens a drawer, reaches in, and brings her hands out holding an orange t-shirt the color of Daria's. Daria herself is in view in the background.
Daria: Like I said, the you who owns this room has a lot more fashion sense then you do.
Jane: That didn't make any sense.
Daria: It wasn't meant to.
Jane: I guess this means that you wear a red jacket and black t-shirt, then.
Daria: Damn you, Lane! You ruin everything for me!
Jane: I know. It makes me feel special.
Amy (O/S, wryly): Jane! Daria! If it's not too much to ask, could you please keep your hands off of each other long enough to come down and eat dinner?
Daria: Aunt Amy?
Daria: That sounded like my aunt Amy.
Jane: Ah. That aunt Amy. (Beat) Riddle me this, Batman - what's she doing in my house, calling for us to come down for dinner? (Beat) And what does she mean about us keeping our hands off of each other?
Daria: I don't know. Care to find out?
Jane: About everything other then the hands, yes.
22. CUT TO - INT. LANE DINING ROOM
Daria and Jane enter, to find a rather interesting sight for them. Amy sits at one end of the table, and Vincent sits at the other. Penny and Summer sit along one side of the table, next to two kids who we assume correctly to be Adrian and Courtney. On the other side of the table are four empty chairs.
Amy: So, you've started wearing each others clothes, now?
Daria: Excuse me?
Amy: Accident with the power roller again?
Jane: Say what?
Amy: You're both backwards.
Daria: With no thanks to you.
Penny: She's right, Daria. Don't you usually wear red?
Jane: We had a little accident with some dye. Nothing too serious.
Vincent: Like the little incident with Tiffani and the power roller?
Daria (To Jane): Power roller?
Jane (To Daria): Tiffani?
Trent (O/S): We're here!
Monique (O/S): Barely...
23. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF LANE DINING ROOM DOOR
Monique and Trent, looking more or less the same as always, enter and sit down in two of the empty chairs on the on side of the table.
24. CUT TO - INT. DINING ROOM
Summer: Hey, if it isn't Mr. Holland and Mrs. Wizard.
Trent: Very funny, Summer.
Monique: I guess that makes you Bozo the Clown.
Daria (To Jane): Did I miss something?
Jane (To Daria): Why would you think that? (Beat) Mr. Holland? Hmmm....
Summer: Hey, I happen to run the best daycare center in all of Lawndale. I think that makes me a little more important than some idiot who teaches kids how not to destroy their guitars.
25. CUT TO - DARIA AND JANE
They look at each other with looks of utter shock.
Daria (To Jane): Daycare?
Jane (To Daria): I'd hoped I misheard that.
26. CUT TO - DINNER TABLE
Amy: No fighting at the table. You know as well as I do that we save that for family reunions and Thanksgiving.
Trent: Sorry, Mom.
Jane (O/S, to Daria): MOM?
Daria (O/S, to Jane): Don't look at me. She's only my aunt.
Vincent: Has anyone seen Wind?
Penny: I think he and Sheila are still at the convention.
27. CUT TO - DARIA AND JANE
Jane (To Daria): This is getting surreal. Trent's a music teacher, your aunt is married to my father, and Wind is still married to Sheila?
Daria (To Jane): It was surreal when we fell through a closet wall. This is beyond surreal. This is more like an episode of The Twilight Zone.
Jane (To Daria): That's it.
Daria (To Jane): What's it? And why do I have this growing feeling of apprehension? (Beat) It must be a Thursday. I never could get the hang of them.
Jane (To Daria): Think about it, Daria. We fall through the wall of Trent's closet, and end up in Trent's room, only it's my room. And Trent's still a musician, only he's a teacher, and he's either living with or married to Monique. And your aunt is married to my dad, and everyone is getting along at the dinner table. Daria... I think we've been dropped into a parallel world.
Daria (To Jane): Now I know you've been inhaling too many paint fumes. That's insane.
Jane: How is that any more insane then following a creeping, pulsating mass of rotten applesauce? (Beat) Besides, it's not a Thursday. It's a Friday, and you're always at your best on Fridays.
Jane: Can you come up with a better explanation to fit the facts?
Daria: Hmmm... (Beat) Maybe it's just a dream?
28. CUT TO - AMY
Amy: Are you two going to come over and eat, or stand over there and plan the downfall of Lawndale?
Daria (O/S): Well, that second option is awfully appealing.
Jane (To Daria, O/S): And so was that apple we followed here.
Jane walks over and takes the seat next to Monique. After a few beats, Daria follows.
29. CUT TO - INT. TRENT'S ROOM
Daria and Jane are lying on the floor, in the middle of a pile of dingy clothing and general clutter. They wear outfits in the same style as their usual clothing, only with reversed clothing (i.e., Daria wears a red jacket, black t-shirt, and dark grey skirt, while Jane wears a dark green outer shirt, an orange inner shirt, and black shorts/leggings).
Daria: What happened?
Jane: And where is this pigsty?
They stand up and look around.
Daria: You know, Jane, this looks like your room.
Jane: No, it doesn't.
Daria: Yeah, it does. (Beat) See that crack in the wall over there?
30. CUT TO - THE CRACK
Jane (O/S): Hmmm... All right, so it is my room. But it doesn't explain what happened to it, or to us.
31. CUT TO - A. DARIA AND A. JANE
Daria: Care to examine the facts?
Jane: By all means, Marlowe.
Daria: One, we're in some sort of perverted, distorted version of your room. Two, a few minutes ago we were actually in your room, planning to upload a knowledge bomb into the Lawndale High servers. Three, something happened that brought us from there to here.
Jane: You're a master of understatement, you know.
Daria: Yeah. (Beat) And right now it's all that's keeping me from running screaming into the night.
Jane (Drily): But it's still the daytime.
Daria: You know what I mean.
Jane: I don't know. Do I?
Trent (O/S): Hey... what are you two doing in here?
32. CUT TO - TRENT
He's standing in the doorway, staring quizzically at the two girls.
Daria (O/S): Trent?
33. CUT TO - DARIA AND JANE
Jane: What do you mean, what are we doing in here? What are you doing in here?
Trent walks into view.
Trent: Why wouldn't I be in my own room?
A Jane glances at A Daria, who shrugs.
Trent: Did you two change clothing, or something?
Trent: Don't you usually wear red, Janey?
Jane: Oh... uh... yeah.
Trent: Those colors look good on you, Daria. You should wear them more often.
Daria (Mumbling, blushing): Uh... thanks.
Trent: What are you doing in here, anyway?
Jane (Quickly): Looking for something to wipe up some spilled dye. We had a little accident.
He walks over to the bed and collapses on it.
Trent: I'm going to sleep. Wake me up whenever.
He closes his eyes, and begins to snore.
Jane: Trent? (Beat) Trent?
34. CUT TO - DARIA
She's staring at the now-asleep Trent like Daria in "That Was Then..."
Jane (O/S): Great. It looks like whatever happened turned Trent into a narcoleptic, untidy slacker. (Beat. No reply from Daria.) Daria?
Daria: Huh? Oh, yeah, whatever.
Jane walks into the shot.
Jane: I know you'd love nothing more then to crawl into that bed with him and make him your love slave, but right now we have other things to do. Like figure out where the hell we are, and how to get things back to normal.
Daria is still staring at Trent's sleeping form.
Daria (Distantly): Whatever, Jane.
35. CUT TO - INT. HALLWAY
They wander, looking for Jane's room.
Daria: How about this one?
She opens the door and she and Jane gather together in front of the door.
Jane: Probably not.
Daria: I didn't know that squirrels lived like that.
Jane: What about that one over there?
She points to a door across the hallway.
36. CUT TO - DOORWAY
Daria (O/S): At least it doesn't look like there are any squirrels in there.
Jane tentatively approaches the door, and swings it open.
Jane: Let's see... easel, severed head, plague virus vial... This looks like it's it.
Daria walks into the shot.
37. CUT TO - INT. JANE'S ROOM
Daria and Jane are exploring.
Daria: What's this?
38. CUT TO - TEDDY BEAR BACKPACK
It sits in the corner, covered in dust and dirty clothing.
Jane (O/S): Please let that be for an art project.
Daria (O/S): Somehow, I don't think so. Look at this.
39. CUT TO - CLOSET
We see a hand (presumably Daria's, from the red sleeve) pointing at a pom-pom. Like the backpack, it's rather dusty-looking.
Jane (O/S): What's that?
Daria (We can hear the smirk): A pom-pom.
40. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF JANE
She has a look of extreme distaste on her face.
Jane: Great. I turned into a joiner.
Daria (O/S): I am not letting you live this one down, oh popular one.
Jane: Shut up. (Beat) Are those red shirts, too?
Daria (O/S): Yeah.
Jane: Great. I turned into a big red source of all evil.
Daria (O/S): That's correct, Brittany.
Jane: Don't call me that. Please, don't call me that.
The phone starts ringing.
41. CUT TO - INT. JANE'S ROOM
Daria: Is that a phone?
Jane: Is Elvis alive?
The phone continues to ring.
Daria: Are you going to answer it?
Jane: I'd rather leave that to the parental units.
Daria: That's my Jane.
The phone still rings.
Daria: Doesn't someone usually pick up the phone by now?
Jane: You raise a very good point, mi amiga. (Beat) Now the only question - where the hell is the phone?
Daria: Maybe you should look in the teddy bear.
Jane: Very funny.
The phone STILL continues to ring. Jane begins to poke around looking for it. She wanders offscreen.
Jane (O/S): A-ha!
Daria: Did you find it?
Jane (O/S): Did I ever.
42. CUT TO - "GREEN" JANE ON THE FLOOR
Jane: Right next to year-old copies of Sick Sad Digest.
She picks up the phone.
43. CUT TO - HELEN MORGENDORFFER
Amazingly, she's at home. In the kitchen.
Helen: Hello? Jane?
Jane: Yes, Mrs. Morgendorffer?
Helen: Could you tell Daria to come home?
Jane (Wryly): Why would I want to do that?
Helen: Do what, send her home? (Beat) I want to have a few words with her before dinner.
Jane: Ah. I see. Well, consider your message delivered.
Helen: Thank you, Jane.
They both hang up.
45. CUT TO - INT. JANE'S ROOM
Jane stands up, drops the phone on the bed, and walks over to where Daria's standing.
Jane: That was your mother, Daria. She wants to talk to you. (Beat) And she was being awfully nice to me.
Daria: Wonderful. (Beat) Wait a minute. My mother. Nice. To you?
Jane: Doesn't make much sense, does it?
Daria: What did she want to talk to me about?
Jane: She didn't say. (Beat) She might be willing to finally accept the fact that you swing both ways.
Daria: Like that's going to happen any time soon. (Beat) However, if I know my mother, I'd better not keep her waiting. See you later, Jane.
They kiss goodbye, and it's much more than a simple friendly one.
Jane: So long, oh cousin-in-law.
46. WIPE TO - INT. ALTERNATE LANE DINING ROOM
Daria (To Jane): What's the matter? The thoughts of the Lanes being one big happy family too much for you?
Jane (To Daria): No. I just got the funniest feeling, like someone was walking on my grave.
Daria (To Jane): But Jane, dinner isn't that bad.
Jane (To Daria): Very funny.
Daria and Jane turn their attention back to the meal before them, and the sensation is forgotten.
Vincent: Would you happen to know anything about the graffiti on Mrs. Danielewski's lawn?
Vincent: Yes. The graffiti that turned her lawn neon pink and pastel yellow?
Jane: Um... no?
Amy (Wryly): That's not what she says.
Jane (To Daria): A little help?
Daria (To Jane): You're on your own here, Basquiat.
Jane: Um... OK, I did it. But only because she was... er... ridiculing my lifestyle.
Daria (To Jane, whisper): Where the hell did that come from?
Jane (To Daria): I don't know.
Amy: Now, Jane - how many times have we asked you not to retaliate against the people who don't like you because you're a lesbian?
Vincent: Honestly, Amy - you know she's been quite insulting about it. You remember that fundraising incident.
Penny: Yeah, mom. She's had it in for Jane since she started dating her daughter.
Trent: And had it in for all of us since that incident with the satellite dish. (Beat) I'd say she deserved it.
Amy: And she has that damned poodle... (Beat) On second thought, Jane - good job. In the future, though, could you remember to get her house, too?
47. CUT TO - CLOSE UP OF DARIA AND JANE
They look thunderstruck. Jane is silent for a few moments.
Jane: Um... sure.
Amy (O/S, proudly): Now, there's the girl I raised.
Daria (To Jane, quietly): I don't believe you just got out of that.
Jane (To Daria, equally quietly): Neither do I. Who knew the other me was a lesbian? Or that my family'd be so understanding? (Beat) Or that Mrs. Danielewski could be such a bitch?
Daria (To Jane, again quietly): Evidently, they do. (Beat) And who's Mrs. Danielewski?
Jane (To Daria): I don't know.
48. CUT TO - THE TABLE
The side with Monique, Jane, Daria, and Trent seated at it. Monique has a thoughtful look on her face.
Trent: What is it, love?
Trent: You look like you're thinking about something.
Monique: I'm just thinking about a theory of mine. (Beat) Never mind, honey.
Trent: Oh. Cool.
Trent turns his concentration back to his dinner plate. Monique turns her concentration to Jane.
Monique: Speaking of Mrs. Danielewski, have you heard from Jenny lately?
Jane: Oh... uh... Jenny?
A Monique (With an "I thought so" undertone): I was just wondering how she was taking your breakup last week.
Jane: Oh... uh... not well. (Beat) Why do you ask?
Monique: I was just curious
Jane: Oh. (Beat, to Daria) Well, that was weird.
Daria (To Jane): Remind me to ask you how you managed to talk your way out of that.
Jane (To Daria): No problemo.
Amy: Look, if you two are planning to destroy Lawndale down there, could you at least ask me to help?
49. CUT TO - DARIA AND JANE
They share a "What the hell?" look.
50. WIPE TO - INT. NORMAL MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM, DAY
Helen is pacing back and forth, as if anxious to see her eldest daughter. Enter "Red" Daria. BGM: "Not a Virgin" - Poe.
Helen: Finally. (Beat) Well, Daria, where - (Beat, again) What happened to your clothes?
Daria: Oh... there was a little accident involving dye. (Beat) What do you have to talk to me about that's so important you dragged me home from Jane's house?
Helen: Don't take that tone of voice with me, Daria. I gave you life, and I can take it away. I want to know why you were out so late last night.
Daria: Last night? Uh... I was over at Jane's, the same as always.
Helen: No you weren't. I called over there, and she said she didn't know where you were. (Beat) It was Tom, wasn't it?
Daria: Uh... Tom?
Helen: Daria, don't play dumb with me. You and Tom were having sex, weren't you? (Beat) When you come home late at night, and then come home late after school the next day wearing different clothes then you left in, what am I supposed to believe?
Helen: I bet that you think you're free to do anything you like now that you're eighteen, don't you?
Helen: Well, little missy, I don't think so. (Beat) Before I ground you for a month, do you have anything to say in your defense?
Daria: I don't know any Tom.
Helen: Don't play dumb with me. If you level with me, I may only give you a week.
Daria: But I'm telling you, I've never met anyone named Tom.
Helen: Right. You've only been going out with him for almost a year.
Daria: Damn it! I was over at Jane's, like I said. I've never met anyone named Tom, never gone out with anyone named Tom, and never had sex with anyone named Tom. All right?
Helen: One month. No dates. No allowance.
Helen: No buts, missy.
Helen: And you will come straight home from school every day.
Helen's cell phone rings, and she answers it.
She wanders off, leaving a rather confused, bewildered, and P.O.ed alternate Daria standing in the living room.
Daria: I'm telling you, damn it, I've never heard of this Tom!
Quinn wanders in to the room.
Quinn: God, Daria - I haven't heard you talk to Mom like that in years. (Beat) And what happened to your clothes?
Daria: What's it to you, Quinn?
Quinn: Those colors look awful on you. What do you and that Jane do over at her house?
Daria: What business of it is yours?
Quinn: As a member of the fashion club, it is my duty to inform the unpopular of their fashion transgressions.
Daria: Isn't transgression a big word for a trained monkey to use? How'd you learn a word like that, Quinn? One of your dates turn out to be a brain in disguise?
52. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF QUINN'S FACE
She wears an expression of hurt, annoyance, and shock.
53. CUT TO - TELEVISION
Two space babes climb out of a spacecraft and start looking around.
Announcer (O/S): They came to Earth for one reason - to party down! Intergalactic Party Babes, next on Sick Sad World.
54. CUT TO - INT. LANE LIVING ROOM
"Green" Jane sits on the couch, watching TV.
Jane: Well, that's really believable. What next - interdimensional misfits searching for a way home?
Trent (O/S): Janey, when'd you start talking to yourself?
Jane: The same time you started sleeping all day and slacking off all night.
Trent walks into the room.
Trent: Hey, things happen at practice. You know how it is. (Beat) Mom called in to say that she'd be another two weeks.
Jane: Another two weeks doing what? She's never gone this long looking for books.
55. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF TRENT
Trent: Have you been eating out of the refrigerator again?
56. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF JANE
57. CUT TO - INT. LANE LIVING ROOM
Trent: Mom's usually gone for months, Janey. (Beat) Don't think I've ever seen her actually read any books. You shouldn't touch that red stuff in the icebox, though. I think it turned into some sort of acid.
Jane: Oh... (Beat) What about Dad?
Trent: Who knows? He hasn't called home for months. He must have left his credit cards at home, since the last time he called he asked a lot of questions about Visas. (Beat) I wonder how much it costs to fly home from Taiwan?
Jane: Trent... He didn't mean credit cards. He meant those little things you need to get into or out of foreign countries.
Trent: Oh, yeah. That might explain why he hasn't come home yet.
Trent: Hmmm... "Looking for a visa / I want a pizza / Visiting the leaning tower of Pisa." (Beat) I need to find Jesse.
He walks off, muttering some sort of lyrics under his breath.
Jane: And here I am, all by myself.
As if on cue, the phone rings. And rings. And rings.
Jane: DON'T TROUBLE YOURSELF OR ANYTHING, TRENT! I'LL GET THE PHONE! (Beat) Two phone calls in one day. It's more then any self-respecting person should have to put up with
She gets up off of the couch.
58. CUT TO - INT. LANE KITCHEN, DAY
Jane picks up the phone.
59. CUT TO - INT. DARIA'S ROOM, DAY
Daria is sitting on her bed, with a combination of irritation and desperation on her face.
Daria: It's me.
60. CUT TO - SPLITSCREEN
Jane: What's up, amiga?
Daria: I got grounded.
Jane: And how did that happen?
Daria: I don't really know. I think I'm supposed to be some sort of slut.
Jane: Come again?
Daria: Ha ha ha ha ha. Very funny, Jane. (Beat) She thinks I'm sleeping with some guy named Tom, who's apparently my boyfriend.
Jane: Tom? Who's Tom? (Beat) And why would you be having sex with him?
Daria: That's what I said. (Beat) The Dragon Lady strikes again. One month without dates or allowance.
Jane: Allowance? When was the last time you got allowance?
Daria: I think it was right before I got my first royalty check.
Jane: Hmmm... (Beat) It's nice of you to tell me all of this, but why did you call me?
Daria: I need you to come over and tell my mother that I was with you last night.
Jane: Won't she get suspicious?
Daria: Of what? (Beat) Oh. That. I don't think so. Apparently she doesn't learn much about her daughters' sex lives, except when it's highly inconvenient. And wrong.
Jane: But this is Helen Morgendorffer we're talking about. There's no way she's going to believe me.
Daria: Well, since everything else seems to have changed beyond recognition, I don't see any reason to believe that that is still the same.
Jane: You raise a good point.
Daria: Don't I always?
Jane: Amongst other things, evidently. (Beat) By the way, you'll love this little tidbit of information. Apparently, Mom's away for two more weeks. Doing what, I don't know, but books don't seem to be it. Dad's off in Taiwan without a visa, and Trent's babbling incoherently about some guy named Jesse.
Daria: Aunt Amy? Without books? That can't be right. And your father trapped in Taiwan without a visa? (Beat) I don't even want to think about who Jesse might be. (Beat) In any event, I'd say it looks like you're having fun. If you can convince my mom that I'm innocent, maybe you can stay over.
Jane: Daria Morgendorffer. Innocent? (Beat) No offense, Daria. I've heard you called a lot of things, but innocent is never one of them.
Daria: They never proved conclusively who torched O'Neill's hard drive.
Jane: So that's what happened.
Daria: Prove it.
Jane: With pleasure, my dear. (Beat) I'll be over in a few minutes. You still live in the same house, right?
Daria: Much to my chagrin, yes. And hurry, before I have to deal with the Fashion Monster all by myself.
Jane: What did she say this time?
Daria: She insulted my clothes.
Jane: Looks like she needs to be introduced to Clownie.
Daria: I wouldn't do that if I were you, Jane. I think I'm in enough trouble already, and I didn't even do anything. (Beat) Yet.
Jane: That's my girl.
She hangs up.
61. WIPE TO - INT. ALTERNATE LANE DINING ROOM
Daria and Jane are still engaged in conversation with the family, although dinner seems to have been cleared away.
Penny: What happened to your glasses?
Daria: Uh... dye accident.
Penny: Oh. Right.
Amy: Oh, Daria - when you go home, tell your mother that we're still on for seven tomorrow night.
Daria (To Jane): What's she talking about?
Jane (To Daria): Your guess is as good as mine, cousin.
Daria (To Jane): May this all be some sort of horrible dream. (To Amy) OK.
Amy: Thanks. It's nice to actually have some family members in Lawndale to celebrate an anniversary.
62. CUT TO - DARIA AND JANE
Daria (To Jane, mouthing): Anniversary?
63. CUT TO - AMY
Amy: Especially at the country club. Of course, I've got a few small surprises planned. What's a family celebration without a few unpleasant surprises?
Penny (O/S): No fun?
Amy: Good answer. (Beat) It's that sort of thinking that makes America great, Penny. You should really spend some more time here, instead of always running off to Nicaragua or Belize or some place like that.
Penny: What can I say, mom - it's part of my job.
The phone rings.
Amy: I'd better go and get that. Maybe that Don Quixote finally sold.
She gets up and walks out towards the kitchen.
64. CUT TO - DARIA AND JANE
Daria: Well, you're taking this awfully well.
Jane: What do you mean?
Daria: Well, for starters, you don't seem to mind the fact that your mother's disappeared, and that she's been replaced by my aunt.
Jane: Hey, I still maintain that this has to be some sort of alternate dimension. Why not stick with it, and see where it's going?
Daria: And what about the fact that you're a lesbian?
Jane (Sardonically): Well, it never hurts to try new things.
Daria: Speak for yourself.
Jane: Do I detect irritation?
Daria: Are you as oblivious as Trent? Of course I'm irritated.
65. CUT TO - MONIQUE
Jane (O/S): That's right. How could I have possibly forgotten that you had a date with Tom tonight? (Beat) I guess he'll just have to go out with the alternate you for the evening.
Daria (O/S): Jane... I don't think that your dinner table in some "alternate dimension" is the right time or place for this discussion.
Monique raises an eyebrow at having overheard this remark.
Jane (O/S): I guess you're right.
66. CUT TO - AMY
She's in the doorway between the kitchen and the dining room.
Amy: Daria, that was your mother.
67. CUT TO - INT. DINING ROOM
Daria: And what did she want?
Amy: She wants you to come home. Apparently, you got some sort of royalty check in the mail, and she needs you to sign it before she can deposit it in your account.
68. CUT TO - DARIA AND JANE
Jane (Mouthing): Royalties?
69. CUT TO - INT. DINING ROOM
Monique is staring at Daria and Jane again, while Amy and Daria continue their conversation.
Amy: And you know how your mother is.
Daria: A tightly-wound pain in the ass?
Amy: Just don't let her hear you call her that.
Assorted laughter from those gathered around the table. Daria gets up.
Amy: Don't forget, Daria. Seven tomorrow at the country club. Knowing your father, he's probably already forgotten what the occasion is. (Beat) And buy some more damned glasses, will you? I mean, I know you've had them since you started high school, but once the lenses start cracking it's time to bite the bullet and replace them.
Daria: Uh... sure.
She walks out of the room.
70. CUT TO - INT. ALTERNATE MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM, EVENING
Daria walks in the front door, to be greeted by Helen and Jake sitting on the couch. Jake seems to be enthralled in the newspaper, while Helen is holding a piece of paper and has a scowl on her face.
Helen: Have fun over at my sister's?
Daria: I guess so. If you can call participating in a family dinner fun.
Helen: You got another check.
Daria: So I heard. (Beat) What's the special occasion?
Jake: Occasion? Damn it, Helen, it's Amy and Vincent's anniversary tomorrow!
He throws the paper down and jumps up.
Helen: I know, Jakey. It's all taken care of.
Jake: Oh. OK, honey.
He sits back down, and resumes reading the paper.
Helen (Suspiciously): What happened to your clothes?
Daria: Well, it all started when I fell into this interdimensional gateway, and...
Helen: Never mind, Daria. (Beat) Why can't you ever give me a serious answer?
Daria (Deadpan): Because sarcasm is so much more fun.
71. CUT TO - HELEN
She looks positively livid, but keeps her cool vocally.
Helen: In any event, the company sent you another royalty check.
She tries to shove the check in Daria's face.
Helen: And I need you to sign it now, so I can put it into the bank first thing tomorrow morning.
72. CUT TO - DARIA AND HELEN
Daria: Mom, if it's all the same to you, I'd rather just go on up to bed. You have no idea how long a day it's been, and somehow I don't think tomorrow is going to be any easier on me. (Beat) Besides, what difference does it make if I sign the check now or in the morning? The banks are already closed. Good night.
With that, Daria turns and makes for the stairs.
Quinn (O/S): She's right, mom.
Helen looks even more livid, if that's possible.
Helen: Jake, sometimes I swear I don't know what goes on in her mind.
Jake: Is Daria home yet?
73. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF A HELEN
She rolls her eyes, and sighs exasperatedly.
Helen: Jake, have you been listening to a single word that anyone's been saying?
Helen: Oh, never mind!
She storms off.
74. CUT TO - INT. DARIA'S ROOM
Daria enters the padded cell, and immediately we can see a few differences. On the walls hang several gold and platinum records, as well as a framed interview and an album cover. In place of her normal television is a deluxe home theater system. The posters of the bones and Kafka remain, however. On the desk is a leather-bound edition of Edgar Allen Poe, presumably rather expensive.
Daria (Deadpan): Nice to see that not everything changes.
She wanders over to the closet and opens the door.
75. CUT TO - INT. CLOSET
Several red jackets hang in a neat row. Something, and we can't see what, exactly, is behind the jackets.
Daria: Figures. (Beat) What's that?
She pushes the jackets to the side, revealing a picture on a chunk of wood, flanked by two heart-shaped candles.
76. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF PICTURE
It's Trent, smiling at the camera. It's signed, and we can barely read what it says: To the best lyricist and coolest high schooler I know.
77. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF DARIA
Daria: Wonderful. The other me is evidently obsessing about Trent. There's something else I needed.
78. CUT TO - INT. DARIA'S ROOM
Daria sits on the bed, and turns on the television.
Daria: Perhaps some television will help me put everything in perspective. (Beat) Why am I talking to myself?
79. CUT TO - TELEVISION
Two actors in green alien suits step out of a wall and look around.
Announcer: Are aliens from other dimensions invading the Earth? A Sick Sad World exclusive, next.
80. CUT TO - DARIA
Daria: Why me?
81. WIPE TO - EXT. NORMAL MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, NIGHT
The doorbell rings.
82. CUT TO - HELEN
Helen: Yes? (Beat) Oh, hello, Jane.
Jane: Hi, Mrs. Morgendorffer. Can I come in? I'd like to talk to you.
Helen nods, and looks closely at Jane for a second as she walks in.
83. CUT TO - INT. MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM, NIGHT
Helen: Only for a few minutes, though. Jake and I have a marriage seminar in an hour. (Beat) What happened to your clothes, Jane?
Jane: A dye accident.
Helen: Oh. So that was true?(Beat) Daria can't come down right now. She's grounded.
Jane: That's sort of what I wanted to talk to you about.
Helen: How so?
Jane: Well, the thing is, Daria was with me last night, and...
Helen (Suspiciously): Last night you said you hadn't seen her. (Beat) And why did you want to talk to me about Daria's grounding?
Jane: Well, the thing about that is... (Beat) She called me, and told me what happened.
Helen: So... she was with you last night?
Helen: Then why did you say she wasn't?
Jane: Umm... Well, my brother's band was practicing, and it's sort of hard to concentrate when they start playing.
Helen: I see. (Beat) That still doesn't explain why she pretended she didn't know Tom.
Jane is obviously thrown for a loop on this one, since she doesn't know any Tom, either.
Jane: Well... er... (Beat) They had a fight.
Helen (Shocked): A fight? That's awful! Did she say what it was about?
Jane: Well... not exactly... (Beat) May I go up and see her?
Helen: Yes, of course! No wonder she was so surly...you know how hard she is to talk to when she's upset. I wonder if I should cancel our trip to that marriage seminar... Daria is going to need some support through all this...
Jane: No... that's quite all right. You know how she hates to be fussed over.
Helen (Thoughtfully) Well, considering the expense of the hotel room and Jake's lack of painkillers, maybe it would be best to let Daria cool off for a while...
Jane (Hurriedly): Good idea. You don't want him bursting another blood vessel over the cost.
Helen: How did you know about that?
Jane: Daria told me all about it.
Helen: I should have known. (Beat) In any event, since the registration fee is non-refundable...
Jake (O/S): HELEN! MY TIE'S CAUGHT IN THE LUGGAGE LATCH AGAIN!
Helen: Oh, for the love of...
She runs off up the stairs.
Jane: Saved by the scream.
84. CUT TO - INT. MORGENDORFFER HALLWAY
Helen and Jake are on the way out. Jane is on her way up.
Helen: Oh. Jane. Daria's not grounded anymore. She's in her room.
Jane: Thanks, Mrs. Morgendorffer.
Helen: We'll be at Le Grand Hotel. The number's on the refrigerator in case you need to reach us for anything. (Beat, under her breath) Damned rules about not having cell phones at the seminar...
They walk on by, carrying suitcases and leaving Jane alone in the hallway.
Daria (O/S): In here, Jane.
Jane walks off towards Daria's room.
85. CUT TO - EXT. MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, NIGHT
The doorbell rings.
86. CUT TO - INT. MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM
Quinn answers the door.
87. CUT TO - TOM
Tom: Is Daria home?
88. CUT TO - INT. MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM
Quinn: She's upstairs.
Quinn: And she's acting really weird.
Tom (Calling offscreen): Daria! (Beat, no reply)
He walks into the living room.
Tom: Daria! (Beat, no reply)
Quinn: Why don't you just go on up? She'll probably be ready in a minute or two anyway.
89. CUT TO - INT. MORGENDORFFER HALLWAY
Tom walks over to Daria's room. Naturally, the door is closed. He knocks once.
Tom: Daria? (Beat, no reply.) Daria, are you ready to go? If we want to get to the theater before Rashomon starts, we'll have to leave soon.
From the other side of the door come sounds of what seem like crying.
Daria (O/S): Go away.
Tom: Daria, we're going to be late...
Daria (O/S): I said, go away!
Tom: But... (Beat) Wait a minute. What's going on in there, Daria?
Daria (O/S): Nothing. Just leave me alone.
Tom: I'm coming in...
Daria (O/S): Go. Away. Now. And don't come back.
Daria: Do you have the intellect of an ebola-ridden chimpanzee? I said, leave.
He walks away, looking somewhat despondent.
90. CUT TO - INT. MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM
Quinn is sitting on the couch, watching television. Tom walks towards the door.
Quinn: I told you she was acting weird, didn't I?
Tom: Yeah. I guess so. (Beat) I wonder why she called me an ebola-ridden chimpanzee? She must not be feeling well.
Quinn: She called you that? Boy, something must really be bothering her. (Double beat) Maybe her friend's come to visit... (Beat) Oh, my God! She's not pregnant, is she?
Tom (Shocked): If she is, it didn't happen while I was around.
Quinn: I guess she's not, then. (Beat) I wonder what's bothering her?
Tom: I don't know, but it seems like she wants to be alone. If you see her, tell her I'll call her tomorrow.
Quinn: "Ebola-ridden chimpanzee?" Hmmm...
She gets up and heads for the stairs.
91. CUT TO - INT. MORGENDORFFER HALLWAY
Quinn walks over to Daria's door, and knocks.
She opens the door and walks in.
92. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF QUINN
She looks ill.
Quinn: Oh, my God! I think I'm going to be sick.
Daria (O/S): Would you close the goddamn door?
She turns and runs. The door, of course, is still open.
Daria (O/S): What the hell does it take to a get a little privacy?
Jane (O/S): A miracle?
Daria (O/S): Would you please go close the door?
93. CUT TO - INT. MORGENDORFFER HALLWAY
Quinn runs into the bathroom. Daria's door closes.
Jane (O/S): Damn!
Daria (O/S): What is it?
Jane (O/S): If she ever comes out of there, she's probably going to call your parents.
Daria (O/S): Damn.
Jane (O/S): Fortunately I know where the number to their hotel is. Be right back.
The door opens.
Daria (O/S): Would you mind too terribly much if you got dressed, first?
Jane (O/S): Oh... uh... (Beat) No?
Daria (O/S): Good answer.
94. CUT TO - INT. DARIA'S ROOM
About ten minutes later. Jane walks back in, bearing a piece of white paper.
Jane: The mission has been accomplished. (Beat) What's with the clothes, amiga?
Daria: That bitch sister of mine. She ruined the mood, and I know she's going to tell someone. (Beat) I thought you trained her better than that.
Jane: Well, if you're so convinced she's going to do something, why not strike back first? Hit her where she lives, and all that.
Daria: Jane, I'm not going to demolish the house just to keep her from telling my parents about us.
Jane: You're no fun. (Beat) And what about my parents?
Daria: I don't think they'd care, somehow.
Jane: You're probably right. (Beat) I have an idea.
Daria: Oh, no.
Jane: Why not? It worked on her before.
Daria: Damn. (Beat) I get the strangest feeling I should be feeling something right now, but...
Jane: You're not?
95. CUT TO - ALARM CLOCK
The display reads 8:43.
Jane (O/S): All we need to do now is wait until she falls asleep. And I need a hair curler.
Daria (O/S): I thought it used to be a fly swatter?
Jane (O/S): This way's much neater. Trust me.
BGM: "Shock the Monkey" Peter Gabriel.
96. FADE TO - ALARM CLOCK
The display now reads 10:34.
97. CUT TO - INT. DARIA'S ROOM
Jane is creeping back in the door, twirling a power curler between the fingers of her right hand, and carrying something else in her left hand.
Daria: Did you do it?
Jane: And I got pictures. (Beat) Little miss hot seat won't be putting you in it anytime soon.
Jane holds up a set of Polaroids.
Daria: Please don't talk about my sister like that. It makes me physically ill.
Jane: What? Can I help it if your sister has a great butt?
Daria shudders, seemingly involuntarily.
Daria: I can't believe that you can do that to a person while they're asleep. Every time I see it happen to the monkeys in the zoo, they wake up.
Jane: You can do all sorts of things to a person while they're asleep without waking them up.
98. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF JANE
She smirks evilly.
Jane: All you need to know is how to do them.
99. CUT TO - INT. DARIA'S ROOM
Daria: Well, now that Sister Dearest is taken care of... where were we earlier?
100. PAN TO - THE WINDOW
Jane (O/S): If I recall correctly, we were right about here.
Daria (O/S): Aaah!
101. CUT TO - EXT. MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, MORNING
We hear an unearthly scream that we presume correctly was uttered by Quinn.
102. WIPE TO - EXT. ALTERNATE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, MORNING
103. CUT TO - INT. DARIA'S ROOM
Daria sits in bed, trembling as if she's woken up from some sort of nightmare.
Daria: It had to be a dream, right? There's no way that a person can really get sucked into a closet and end up in another dimension. (Beat) And why do I feel so dirty right now?
She looks around, and sees the records on the walls.
Daria: Damn it. Still dreaming.
Helen (O/S): Daria! Breakfast! Now!
Daria: Now, I know I'm dreaming. The last time she voluntarily made breakfast was... (Beat) Why the hell am I talking to myself again?
104. CUT TO - INT. ALT. MORGENDORFFER KITCHEN
Helen is standing in front of the microwave. Jake and Quinn sit at the table; he reads the newspaper, she seems to be absorbed in the milk carton. Daria enters, wearing the red and black ensemble that the other Daria was wearing earlier.
Helen: It's so nice to see that you've chosen to grace us with your presence this morning, Daria. Now, maybe you'd like to explain what really happened to your clothes yesterday?
Daria: It was a dye accident.
Helen: I'm sure. (Beat) Well, if you won't tell us the truth... (Beat) Parenting was so much easier before you started making money on your own.
Daria: Excuse me?
Helen: You're already self-sufficient, for Christ's sake. If you want to start changing clothes with Jane, that's your own business. (Beat) But please, for the love of all that's Holy, don't wear those green things from last night to your aunt's anniversary, okay?
Daria: Okay, I guess.
Daria walks over to the table, and sits down in one of the two vacant spots.
105. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF QUINN
For a very brief second, there's a spot of fear in her eyes, replaced by rather open admiration.
Quinn: You look very pretty this morning, sis.
106. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF DARIA
She's got a confused look on her face.
Quinn (O/S): What is it, sis?
107. CUT TO - TABLE
Daria: What is what, Quinn? (Beat) Since when did you start calling me sis, anyway?
A look of Stacy-esque panic crosses Quinn's face.
Quinn: You don't want me to call you sis?
Daria: Not particularly.
Quinn: Then what would you like me to call you?
Daria: My name is fine.
A look of primal fear crosses Quinn's face.
Quinn: I couldn't call you that.
Daria: Why not?
Quinn: I... uh... (Beat) I can't talk about it. Remember?
She hurries away from the table, and Jake lowers his paper.
Jake: Did you say something, kiddo?
Daria: Er, yeah, Dad. (Beat) The Martians implanted a tracking probe in my mind.
Jake: Damn it, Helen! Did you hear that? A tracking probe!
Helen (O/S): Relax, Jake. She was only joking. (Beat) Weren't you, Daria?
Daria: Yes. (Beat) It was really the Venetians.
108. WIPE TO - INT. NORMAL MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM
Daria sits on the couch, watching television.
Man 1 (O/S): So, we're in another dimension?
Man 2 (O/S): Yep. Without food, shelter, clothing, or the Jerry Springer show.
Man 1 (O/S): Damn it! And I never even got to wish Aunt Eunice a happy anniversary!
Man 2 (O/S): Jim, that's really uncool. You're always supposed to wish your aunt a happy anniversary before you get sucked into an alternate dimension.
Man 1 (O/S): How was I supposed to know this was going to happen, Bernie?
Man 2 (O/S): You and your damned excuses disgust me, Jim.
109. CUT TO - DARIA
She takes on a thoughtful countenance.
Daria: Hmmm... (Beat) Alternate dimension?
She looks around briefly.
Daria: Well, it looks like my house, but that might explain a few things.
The doorbell rings.
Daria: And, if it's true, at least I get to avoid Uncle Vincent's speech this year.
She gets up and goes to the door.
110. CUT TO - TOM
He's standing at the door, holding some flowers and wearing a generally silly grin. BGM: "Oh To Be In Love" by Kate Bush.
Tom: Hello, Daria. (Beat) These are for you. Hope you're feeling better.
111. CUT TO - DARIA
She looks at him with a complete lack of recognition.
Daria: I'm sorry. Who are you?
112. CUT TO - TOM
Tom: Very funny, Daria.
113. CUT TO - A DARIA
Daria: I'm serious. I've never seen you before in my life.
114. CUT TO - TOM
He's beginning to look weirded-out.
Tom: And you were acting weird yesterday, too. (Beat) Did you inhale a few too many perfume fumes, maybe?
115. CUT TO - DARIA
Her face is beginning to cloud over, just a little.
Daria: That was you in the hallway, yesterday? I see. (Beat) Well, thank you for your concern, whatever your name is. Go away.
She closes the door.
116. CUT TO - TOM
He's standing on the doorstep, holding his flowers and looking like someone kicked him in the nuts.
117. CUT TO - DARIA
She looks confused.
Daria: What was the name of the guy who I was supposed to be sleeping with again? Jon? John? Bob? Tom. That was it. (Beat) Guess that was him. Clueless guy. Seems more like the sort of guy Jane would go for, if she went for guys.
She walks back over to the couch and sits down, rejoining the movie or television show, or whatever it is.
Man 2 (O/S): Aunt Eunice! No! And Jim never got a chance to say happy anniversary!
Daria: Speaking of which... I wonder how the festivity is going without my presence there?
Quinn (O/S): Daria? Would you please quit talking to yourself? It is so uncool.
Daria: Shut it, Quinn! Remember last night?
Quinn (O/S, hurriedly): Uh... no?
Daria: Good answer! (Beat, coldly) And don't call me Daria.
118. WIPE TO - INT. COUNTRY CLUB DINING ROOM (ALTERNATE LAWNDALE)
The Barksdale-Lane and Morgendorffer clans are gathered around a major table in the center of the room. Daria and Jane - in grotesquely formal dress - are seated next to each other at the left end of the table. Amy and Vincent, the couple of the hour, are positioned at the center. Vincent is standing, and has his wine glass in hand. Everyone else sits wherever.
119. CUT TO - DARIA AND JANE
Daria: I hate myself in formal dress.
Jane: Even when it's for your aunt's anniversary to my father?
Daria: Yes, even then. (Beat) I'm sorry, I still think this is just some sort of bad dream that I'll wake up from. (Beat) Did I tell you that I found an altar in my closet?
Jane: So, you're some sort of pagan now?
Daria: Worse. The altar was dedicated to your brother.
Jane: So you're telling me that the other you secretly worships my brother?
Daria doesn't say anything, just nods sadly.
Jane: This is so cool. I wonder what's going to happen when we get back? Maybe Trent will be your love slave.
Daria: You know, Jane, I already have a boyfriend. I don't want to think about that possibility.
Jane: You know you can't resist the Lane charm.
Daria: I've seen better charms in fairy tales.
Jane: You're a regular George Carlin, you know that?
Daria: Yes. (Beat) And I feel like saying all seven Words You Can't Say on Television. You know, you've been taking this whole damned thing incredibly well.
Jane: And why not? I'm positive that this whole thing is some freaky alternate dimension. What about you, Daria?
Daria: Well, up until I woke up this morning and still found myself in Fort Knox, I'd hoped I was just dreaming.
Jane: Fort Knox?
Daria: I'll tell you later. (Beat) So what's family life like with the "Barksdale-Lanes."
Jane: Fun. We're rich.
120. CUT TO - VINCENT
He still holds the glass, and looks down at Amy, who's seated next to him.
Vincent: Well, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for. The Speech.
Penny (O/S): Damn anniversaries. At least they only come around once a year, so we only have to hear this once a year.
Vincent: Come on, Penny... Am I that bad at this?
Penny (O/S): Every year you ask me that, and every year I'm afraid to answer.
Vincent: Thanks for the vote of confidence. I promise that this year I'll make it relatively quick and painless. (Beat) Here's to fourteen lovely years of marriage, and hopefully fourteen more.
121. CUT TO - PENNY AND MONIQUE
They're seated side-by-side
Penny (To Monique): And next year, it will be to fifteen lovely years of marriage, and hopefully fifteen more. Christ, I hate that expression.
Monique (To Penny): I promise that if Trent ever does that to me, you can help me knock some sense into him.
Penny (To Monique): Thank you for that. (Beat) I've been meaning to pay him back for that incident with the electric guitar.
Monique (To Penny): He told me about that. (Beat) And it actually shattered?
Monique (To Penny): I didn't think simple sound waves were capable of that. (Beat) Hmmm...
She stares off into space, by all accounts lost in thought. Penny rolls her eyes, and turns her attention back towards her parents.
122. CUT TO - VINCENT
Amy stands up. They kiss.
Amy: And now, the part you've all really been waiting for.
123. CUT TO - DARIA AND JANE
Daria: I hope she doesn't mean...
Jane: Do you really think that your aunt is capable of that? In public?
Daria: You're probably right.
124. CUT TO - AMY
125. CUT TO - DARIA AND JANE
Daria breaths out in relief. Jane looks at her.
Daria: What? We don't actually know what these people are capable of. We're in an "alternate dimension," remember?
126. CUT TO - INT. COUNTRY CLUB DINING ROOM, NIGHT
Vincent and Amy sit down. She picks up a wine glass and takes a sip.
Vincent (To Amy): I have to go get something. I'll be right back.
He gets up and walks out towards the lobby.
127. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF AMY
She has a wicked grin on her face.
Amy: Don't be too sure of that, lover.
She takes another sip.
128. CUT TO - INT. COUNTRY CLUB LOBBY
There are two police officers standing around, waiting for someone. When Vincent emerges from the private dining room, they walk over to him. BGM: "Dear Lover" - Social Distortion.
LPD Officer #1: Are you Vincent Lane?
Vincent: You know I am.
LPD Officer #2: You're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to an attorney. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. (Beat) Do you understand?
Vincent (Sighing): Yeah. (Beat, in a wry voice) I guess I already know what the charges are, don't I?
LPD Officer #1: That's a sure bet, boyo.
He winks at Vincent, who looks at him with a combination of weariness and mild amusement.
129. CUT TO - INT. COUNTRY CLUB DINING ROOM
A waiter approaches Amy, who still has that cat-like, pleased expression on her face.
Waiter: Are you ready to order now, or do you want to wait for your husband to return?
Amy: Vincent won't be joining us for the rest of the evening. He had an appointment to keep.
Penny: Mom... you didn't...
Amy: I did.
She smiles that wicked cat grin again.
Penny: You know, most married couples spend their anniversaries at home or in fancy hotels. But not you. I swear, I'll never figure it out.
Amy: Some things you just aren't meant to know, Penny.
130. CUT TO - DARIA AND JANE
From where they sit, they can see A Vincent being escorted out of the building in handcuffs, being led by the two police officers.
Daria: Are you seeing what I'm seeing?
Jane: If what you're seeing is my father being arrested, then the answer would have to be a resounding yes.
They look around, but do not see anyone reacting particularly shocked to it.
Daria: Do I even want to know why no one's surprised or shocked to see your father being carted out of here?
Jane: Hell, I don't want to know. And he's my father. (Beat) Pass the tiramisu, would you?
Daria: It hasn't come yet.
Jane: Oh yeah.
131. WIPE TO - EXT. NORMAL LAWNDALE HIGH, DAY
The school bell rings.
132. CUT TO - INT. CAFETERIA
Alt. Daria and Alt. Jane take their seats at an empty table, bearing trays.
Alt. Daria: And I thought school was bad before. (Beat) At least the colors here are blue and gold, instead of red and gold.
Alt. Jane: You really don't like wearing the same color as the school, do you?
Alt. Daria: Would you?
Alt. Jane: Then why do you...? (Beat) Oh. Right. Trent likes those colors.
Alt. Daria blushes a little.
Alt. Jane: Can you believe O'Neill? Whatever happened to the Iron Glove?
Alt. Daria: It turned out to be made of taffeta. (Beat) I did tell you that I think this is an alternate dimension, right?
Alt. Jane: Words to that effect did cross my eardrums this morning.
Alt. Daria: And what do you think?
Alt. Jane: If you weren't my best friend and cousin-in-law, I'd have you committed.
Alt. Daria: I sense a 'but' in there somewhere.
Alt. Jane: But, given the current circumstances, I'd say that your idea has some merit. And it would explain a few things.
Alt. Daria: Like what happened to my gold records.
Alt. Jane: Well, technically, they're not yours, since you didn't record them.
Alt. Daria: I wrote them. That's enough.
Kevin comes walking up, a confused look on his face.
Kevin: Hey, Daria - don't you usually wear green?
Alt. Daria: Green?
Alt. Daria: You look a little green, Kevin. Maybe you shouldn't eat the cafeteria's greased rat.
Alt. Jane: Yes Kevin, rat. You know, the little things that run around in your skull and eat your brains?
Alt. Jane: Yes, Kevin.
Alt. Daria: We're brains. Go run off and suck face with your cheerleader girlfriend. We couldn't possibly stand a chance of competing with her.
Kevin: Competing? (Beat) Hey, that's really not cool, Daria. This is school.
Alt. Daria: Is any of this making sense to you, Jane?
Alt. Jane: Not a lick, compadre.
Alt. Daria: Of course not, you vixen. This is school.
Kevin: Cool! (Beat) Hey, Mack Daddy! Come check it out! Daria and Jane are about to lick each other!
133. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF ALT. DARIA AND ALT. JANE
Alt. Daria: I didn't think it was humanly possible.
Alt. Jane: Didn't think what was humanly possible?
Alt. Daria: That Kevin could get even stupider.
Alt. Jane: Hey, you never know what can happen from day to day. (Beat) We're here, aren't we?
Alt. Daria: Quiet, Jane. Don't give him any more ideas.
Alt. Jane looks towards Kevin, who is now watching the two intently.
Alt. Jane: I wouldn't worry about that. If he ever met an idea, he wouldn't know what to do with it.
Alt. Daria: Probably try and tackle it.
Kevin: I heard that!
Alt. Jane: You're still here? (Beat) Well, we're done belittling you. You may go.
Kevin: Hey, Britt says I'm not little.
He stalks away stiffly.
Alt. Daria: O-kay.
Alt. Jane: That was more information then I needed. You?
134. CUT TO - INT. HALLWAY
Alt. Daria and Alt. Jane are en route to class. Kevin is following them, presumably waiting for the licking to commence.
Alt. Jane: Is he still following us?
Alt. Daria looks back.
Alt. Daria: If by he you refer to Stephen Hawking, then no. If you mean Kevin, yes.
Alt. Jane: Damn it. This is going to require some major action.
Alt. Daria: No, Jane. Not in school.
Alt. Jane: Come on, Daria. It'll be more fun then that time we spiked his Gatorade with mescaline.
Alt. Daria: No, it won't. (Beat) But it could be more amusing then putting up with DeMartino's prattle.
Alt. Jane turns around and waves to Kevin.
Alt. Jane: Hey, Kevin! Over here! It's Clownie!
Kevin: Clowns creep me out.
Alt. Jane: This one won't. I swear! Just spend five minutes with him!
Alt. Jane walks over towards Kevin, reaching into her pocket as she does so.
Alt. Daria: Oh, hell. Too late to stop her now.
135. CUT TO - ALT. DARIA
Jodie and Brittany approach.
Jodie: Hey, Daria.
Brittany: What's Jane doing with my Kevie?
Alt. Daria: Be quiet, Brittany. You might not want to watch this. It's liable to be a bit... unpleasant.
Jodie (Suspiciously): What do you mean, unpleasant?
She looks into A Daria's eyes, and blanches almost imperceptably.
Alt. Jane (O/S): See, this is Clownie.
Kevin (O/S): Cool!
Alt. Jane (O/S): Do you want to shake hands with him?
Kevin (O/S): Yeah!
Alt. Daria (To Jodie): Get her out of here. Now. You don't want her to see this.
Jodie: I'll take your word for it. (Beat) Come on, Brittany.
Brittany: Where are we going?
Jodie: Off to see if Ms. Defoe needs some more volunteers for the art fair.
Brittany: Oh. (Beat) But we're not having an -
Jodie grabs her arm and begins pulling her away.
Kevin (O/S): Hey, watch where you -
Brittany: Bye, Daria! (Beat) That color looks good on you.
Kevin (O/S): OW! IT HURTS! OH, HOW IT HURTS!
She runs over.
Brittany (O/S): Eep!
Alt. Daria: You're going to have to go get her. (Beat) You wouldn't happen to have any thorazine, would you?
Jodie shakes her head.
Alt. Daria: Then you need to go now.
136. CUT TO - KEVIN'S P.O.V.
He lies on the floor, staring up at the ceiling unblinking. Alt. Jane is smirking, Brittany looks ill. Alt. Daria and Jodie come walking over. Jodie stares in shock.
Jodie: Is he dead?
Alt. Jane: No. Just flying high in a cloud of pain the likes of which you can't possibly imagine. (Beat, to Brittany) Next time, tell your boyfriend to quit following me around. I don't like being followed.
Kevin (O/S): Ow...
DeMartino comes rushing over.
DeMartino: WHAT is ALL of the RACKet about?
He looks down at Kevin.
DeMartino: WHICH ONE of you STUdents DID this to HIM?
Brittany weakly points at Alt. Jane.
DeMartino: MISS LANE. I salUTE your ingenUITY. I haven't seen PUNISHMENT like that since NAM.
He starts chuckling, as he walks away. And, right on cue, Ms. Barch shows up. Jodie drags Brittany away, suspecting that something really unpleasant is about to go down.
Barch: All right, you man, what happened?
Kevin (O/S): Ow...
Alt. Daria: He was following us around, Ms. Barch.
Alt. Jane: And then he tried to touch me in my bathing suit area. I told him to stop, but he just kept coming closer.
Alt. Daria: And no one has the right to touch her in her bathing suit area, especially a man. Right, Ms. Barch?
Barch kicks Kevin between the legs. He groans once.
137. FADE TO - BLACK
Barch (O/S): Very nice, Jane. I see you learned a lot in those self-defense classes.
Alt. Jane (O/S): Uh... yeah.
138. WIPE TO - EXT. ALTERNATE LAWNDALE HIGH, DAY
We see a red and gold banner waving in front of the building, our clue that this is really the alternate Lawndale High.
139. CUT TO - INT. HALLWAY
Daria and Jane are walking down the hallway, and are conspicuously being ignored.
Daria: You know, Jane, there is something really unusual about all of this.
Jane: What do you mean?
Daria: Well, for starters, no one's looking at us. That's unusual in and of itself.
Jane: I'd noticed.
Daria: And that doesn't bother you?
Jane: Not as much as the fact that none of the teachers are making eye contact with us.
Jane: I wonder what the Daria and Jane of this dimension are like, anyway?
Daria: Are you still on this alternate dimension kick? (Beat) However, for your sake, I'm going to break one of my own rules.
Jane: And that rule is?
Daria: Never speak to anyone at school unless it's you, or unless it's absolutely necessary.
Jane: I like this rule.
Daria reaches out and grabs a passing freshman.
Daria: Excuse me?
140. CUT TO - THE FRESHMAN
He looks scared. Like someone's holding a gun to his head.
141. CUT TO - INT. HALLWAY
The freshman flees in terror down the hallway.
Jane: Well, doctor - was the experiment a success?
Daria: The results were inconclusive. I'm afraid we're going to have try it on nine other randomly-chosen students.
Jane: Are you saying that because you're curious, or because you like having people running n terror from you?
Daria: What's the difference?
142. FADE TO - INT. HALLWAY
Super: Two minutes later.
Daria: And the results were?
Jane: Four ran away, one of whom dropped his books and didn't come back for them.
143. PAN DOWN TO - A BOOKBAG NEXT TO JANE'S FOOT
144. PAN UP TO - INT. HALLWAY
Jane: One guy screamed for his mommy. Three called me "Mistress" before looking at my boots and going catatonic.
Daria: That's odd. (Beat) And the last one?
Jane: I'm pretty sure he just wet his pants before passing out.
Daria: Okay. (Beat) From this we can formulate two different hypotheses.
Daria: The first one is that everyone is afraid of us.
Jane: And the second?
Daria: The freshman class this year is even more spineless then last year's turned out to be when the seniors subjected them to the Wall of Waxing Moons.
Jane: Well, Fraulein Professor, considering that Ms. Defoe pointed me in the direction of what is apparently my own private studio in the art room after apologizing for interrupting me at one of the community easels, I'm inclined to go with the first theory.
Daria: Ah. (Beat) Are you sure it's not just because you're rich?
Jane: If she had just been sucking up, yes. But there was actual terror in her eyes, Daria. When has Ms. Defoe ever been terrified of me?
Daria: Well, aside from your Goya period and the surrealism thing...
Jane: Hey, those gerbils recovered!
Daria: Really, now? That's not what I heard.
Jane (Suspiciously): Who told you otherwise?
The bell rings.
Daria: Saved by the bell. You'll never know, now.
Jane: Damn you, Morgendorffer. I know where you live.
145. CUT TO - INT. ALT. DEMARTINO'S CLASSROOM
Anthony DeMartino stands before the class in a cardigan and brown corduroy trousers. A pipe rests on his desk. His eye is neither bulging nor bloodshot.
DeMartino: Good morning, students. I hope you've all had good days so far.
146. CUT TO - DARIA AND JANE
Daria: Did he just say he hoped we'd had good days?
Jane: It would seem that way, wouldn't it?
147. CUT TO - INT. DEMARTINO'S CLASSROOM
DeMartino: Now, if you'll remember, we ended last class talking about the great American pacifists.
Kevin raises his hand.
DeMartino: Yes, Kevin?
148. CUT TO - KEVIN
He looks just like the other one, except that his pants are red instead of blue.
Kevin: My baby brother uses a pacifier, Mr. D.
DeMartino walks over into the shot.
DeMartino: Kevin... Has anyone ever told you that some of the encephalic monkeys at the zoo have more brain power in their tails then you do in your head?
Kevin: I like watching the monkeys at the zoo.
DeMartino sighs, and for an instant looks up at the sky as if begging for release from this idiot.
Kevin: Yeah, Mr. D?
DeMartino: If you would be so kind as to make a fist and hit yourself in the head, we'll continue our discussion.
Kevin balls up his hand and - amazingly - hits himself once in the head.
Kevin: Like this, Mr. D?
DeMartino: Yes, son. Just keep doing that every five minutes, and you'll be fine.
DeMartino walks away.
149. CUT TO - INT. DEMARTINO'S CLASSROOM
DeMartino: Now, class - what can anyone tell me about Roosevelt's foreign policy in 1939?
150. CUT TO - DARIA AND JANE
Daria: This is getting very surreal.
She starts looking around the classroom.
Jane: What the hell are you doing?
Daria: Looking for Rod Serling.
Jane: Any luck? (Beat) You know, I'm pretty sure he's dead, Daria.
Daria is looking under her desk.
Daria: Rod? You under there anywhere? (Beat) This is one hell of a weird dream.
Kevin (O/S): Ow!
DeMartino (O/S): That's it, Kevin. Just nine more times and you'll be done for the day.
151. CUT TO - INT. CAFETERIA
Again, the red and gold banner in the background indicates the fact that we're in an alternate LHS. Daria and Jane are seated at their table, all alone.
Jane: Daria, I don't know why you think this is a dream.
Daria: Did it ever occur to you that maybe this is some sort of dream?
Jane: What - one that we're both having at the same time?
Daria: It could happen.
Jane: And that's about as likely as us falling into another dimension. (Beat) You're starting to scare me.
Daria: I've only just begun to do that. (Beat) Wait until I tell you what that food you're about to eat is really made of.
Jane: No thank you. (Beat) Just... read the banner on the wall over there.
Jane: Just do it, Daria.
Daria: I don't think it's a Nike banner, Jane. What good could it possibly do?
Jane just Looks at Daria.
152. CUT TO - BANNER
Daria (O/S): Go Lampreys.
152. CUT TO - DARIA AND JANE
Jane: There you go.
Daria: What do you mean?
Jane: Do you ever remember being able to read anything in a dream before? (Beat) Besides, it's the Lawndale Lions, not the Lawndale Lampreys.
Daria: Hmmm... (Beat) Damn. But I still don't believe that this is real.
Further discussion is halted by the arrival of Jodie and Mack.
Jodie: Hey, guys.
Daria: What brings you over here, Landon? Don't you want to stay as far away from us as everyone else seems to want to?
Jodie: Well... uh...
Mack nudges her in the ribs.
Jodie: We were wondering if you were feeling well today.
Daria: I see. (Beat) Any particular reason why?
Mack: You didn't laugh when Kevin hit himself in the head.
Daria: Really? (Beat) Jane, why didn't we laugh at that?
Jane: Probably because it wasn't very funny.
Mack: So you've moved beyond laughing at Kevin?
Daria: I guess.
Mack: Too bad. (Beat) I really wanted your help in getting back at him for all those times he's called me Mack Daddy. (Beat) Some days I just want to pound on his thick skull until...
Mack (To A Jodie): Sorry. (Beat, to Daria) I'll talk to you later.
They walk off.
Daria: Did that make any sense to you, Jane?
Jane: Not really, although I think we've discovered a little bit more about our alternate selves.
153. CUT TO - INT. MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM
Daria and Jane walk in, and up the stairs. Quinn follows at a leisurely pace, as if afraid of making either of them mad.
154. CUT TO - INT. DARIA'S ROOM
Jane looks around, while Daria rests on her bed with her hair over the side.
Jane: Fort Knox, eh?
Jane: Well, Swan, I suppose you must have sold your soul to get a gold record with a song titled "Where God Went Wrong."
Daria: Why the hell did I ever let you watch Phantom of the Paradise?
Jane: You were tired. (Beat) Besides, I wanted to see the part where poor Winslow's face got crushed in the record presser.
Daria: Damn late-night dates.
Jane: O-ho. The truth is finally revealed about your relationship with the young Thomas?
Daria: Get bent, Lane. (Beat) We haven't done anything you wouldn't do.
Jane: And just what wouldn't I do?
There's a knock at the door, interrupting the conversation.
Daria: Come in.
155. CUT TO - QUINN
She walks in, eyes on the floor.
Quinn: I'm ready for today's lesson, mistress.
156. CUT TO - DARIA
A look of disgust crossed with shock is on her face.
157. CUT TO - JANE
She looks rather... amused.
158. CUT TO - INT. DARIA'S ROOM
Daria still looks shocked, but manages to speak anyway.
Daria: Oh, no. Not today, Quinn. Go away
Quinn: Yes, mistress.
Daria: I don't know. I don't want to know. I just want to wake up now, before I find any other unpleasant little surprises.
Jane: You mean... you... and she...
Daria: What's so amusing, Jane? That's disgusting. She's my sister.
Jane: Well, technically, she's the other Daria's sister.
Daria: Does that really matter? (Beat) I'm starting to get worried, Jane.
Jane: How so, amiga?
Daria: Well, let's suppose - theoretically - that your idea about this being an alternate dimension is correct.
Jane: Fine. I've been doing that, you know. What's your point?
Daria: Well, let's think about everything that we know about the "alternate" versions of you and I. One, we're feared by most of the school, apparently for being somewhat... belligerent towards the student body. Two, you and I are loosely related. Three, you and I enjoy spending lots of time together in bed.
Jane: I'm not seeing the point.
Daria: Jane, the other you and I like spending a lot of time together in bed.
Jane: So, we have a lot of sleepovers.
Daria: I don't think you're actually listening to a word I'm saying. The emphasis is on the words together and bed.
Jane: Oh. (Beat) You're telling me...?
Daria: Look in the box on the floor over there. I found it last night. But I'd be careful, if I were you.
Jane: Can I just take your word for it?
Daria: I guess.
Jane: All right. So the alternate you and I like sleeping together. What's the worst that could happen?
Daria: Suppose that we are in an alternate dimension. If we're here, then who's taken our places?
Daria: This had all better be a dream. Or else I'm going to make a few minor deities pay one of these days.
Jane's face is suddenly lit up by realization.
Jane: Oh, f - (Interrupted by the wipe)
159. WIPE TO - EXT. NORMAL MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE, DAY
BGM: "Raspberry Swirl" - Tori Amos.
Helen (O/S): Daria?
160. CUT TO - INT. MORGENDORFFER HALLWAY
Helen stands before Daria's door, knocking.
A muffled sound from within the room is her only response.
Helen: Daria, I need to ask you something.
She opens the door and walks in.
Helen: Have you seen my...?
She trails off.
161. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF HELEN'S FACE
A look of supreme shock is visible.
Helen: Oh... my... God...
Alt. Jane (O/S): Would you mind closing the door, please? Thank you.
162. CUT TO - EXT. SIDEWALK, DAY
Alt. Daria and Alt. Jane are walking.
Alt. Daria: It's lucky for you that DeMartino and Barch were willing to testify on your behalf, is all I'm saying.
Alt. Jane: Come on, Daria. All I did was give poor, stupid Kevin what we wanted. Did he not say he wanted to shake hands with Clownie?
Alt. Daria: And for doing that, you almost got in serious trouble. Sometimes, Jane, I think you go too far, even for me.
Alt. Jane: Two things. One, there is no such thing as too far. It's not physically possible.
Alt. Daria: Tell that to Kevin. (Beat) And what's the second, majesty?
Alt. Jane: If I ever do get in trouble, it's not going to be because of some chimp in an athletic supporter like Kevin.
Alt. Daria: And that's a big thanks for that mental image.
Alt. Jane: I try.
Right about now, Tom pulls up in his car.
Tom: Daria, can I talk to you for a minute?
Alt. Daria: I don't know. Can you?
163. CUT TO - ALT. DARIA AND ALT. JANE
Alt. Jane: Who is that?
Alt. Daria: I'm not quite sure. He just showed up on my doorstep one day with flowers.
Alt. Jane: Flowers? (Beat) He doesn't know you very well, does he?
Alt. Daria: Nope. (Beat, to Tom) Say, what was your name again?
164. CUT TO - TOM
He's looking somewhat annoyed right now.
Tom: You know it's Tom. I'd just like to know why you won't talk to me all of a sudden. I've tried calling you, but you just hang up. I've tried e-mailing you, but you don't reply. You won't answer the door when I knock. (Beat) What's going on, Daria? I'm worried about you.
165. CUT TO - EXT. SIDEWALK
Alt. Jane: Wait a minute - phone calls, e-mails, showing up uninvited at her house... You've been stalking her, haven't you?
Tom: I... I... (Beat) No!
166. CUT TO - ALT. DARIA AND ALT. JANE
Alt. Jane: Has he been stalking you, Daria?
Alt. Daria: It's hard to say. I mean, I've never had a stalker before, so I don't really know what to look for.
Alt. Jane: You want I should introduce him to Clownie?
Alt. Daria: Here? On the street? In public?
Alt. Jane: It wouldn't be the first time.
Alt. Daria: Actually, it would.
Tom (O/S): Who - or what - is Clownie?
167. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF ALT. JANE
She smirks evilly.
Alt. Jane: I'll take care of him for you, Daria.
Alt. Daria: Don't use Clownie. Please. I don't want him to go through that. Just... convince him that I want to be left alone, since he obviously won't listen to me.
Alt. Jane: Can do, señorita.
168. CUT TO - TOM
He looks shocked to see this, and gets out of the car.
169. CUT TO - EXT. SIDEWALK
Alt. Daria begins walking off-camera. Tom begins to run after her.
He is restrained by one of A Jane's hands on his shoulder.
Alt. Jane: Let's talk... (Beat) Tom, was it?
Tom: Et tu, Jane? (Beat) What sort of game are you playing with me, anyway? I mean, I know we broke up, but I never figured you'd be like this.
Alt. Jane (Deadpan): Latin. Impressive. (Beat) Me, go out with you? Doubtful. I like girls, in case you couldn't tell. And I've never seen you before.
Alt. Jane: Now, Tom, where should we begin?
Tom: Uh... (Beat, nervously) I think I should probably be leaving right about now.
Alt. Jane: So soon? And you and I haven't even had a chance to talk yet. Let's start with the fact that you seem to be following my best friend, despite her having told you that she doesn't want to see you around. I don't like that.
170. CUT TO - ALT. DARIA
As the events play out, she begins to wince painfully. From offscreen comes the sound of a brief fight.
Alt. Jane (O/S): Don't puke on mistress Jane's boots, Tommy boy. Because then you'll have to lick them clean, and I'm sure you don't want to do that. Or do you?
Tom (O/S, weakly): No.
Alt. Jane (O/S): Now... Let's talk about the fact that you're wasting my time this afternoon because you're not smart enough to learn when a girl's not interested in you.
171. WIPE TO - INT. BARKSDALE-LANE KITCHEN
Amy is sitting at the table, speaking on the phone. Daria and Jane walk in, but appear to be unobserved for the time being.
Amy: No, Ruttheimer. The price is non-negotiable.
She looks up and sees Daria and Jane, and swings the receiver so that the mouthpiece is against her shoulder.
Amy: Oh, good. You're here. Don't go anywhere, Daria - I have a question for you, as soon as I get done with Galahad, here.
She puts the phone back in its initial position.
Amy: That's right. $50,000. (Beat) What do you mean, what condition is it in?
172. CUT TO - DARIA AND JANE
Daria: Are you getting any of this?
Jane: If I said yes, I'd be lying.
Amy (O/S): Look, it's a first edition from 1865. What sort of condition do you think it's in? (Beat) No, you asked me if I could find a copy of it for you, remember?
Daria: First edition?
Amy (O/S): No, I'm not your feisty lotus blossom. (Beat) Do you understand the words sexual harassment? No? How about big fat lawsuit? (Beat) I thought so. $50,000, or I sell to someone else.
173. CUT TO - AMY
She hangs up, sets the phone on the table, and stands up.
174. CUT TO - INT. KITCHEN
Amy: I hate dealing with Ruttheimer. He makes his son look like some sort of lesser angel.
Jane: No matter how unlikely that might seem.
Amy: The wonder, Jane, is that he managed to reproduce at all.
Daria: Uh.. aunt Amy?
Amy: Yes, Daria?
Daria: You had something you wanted to ask me?
Amy (Drily): I know that. No need to get so impatient, Daria. You have all the time in the world ahead of you. The least you could do is give your elders time enough to insult miserable cretins.
Amy: I was kidding, Daria. (Beat) In any event, I have a shipment of gothic thrillers coming in tomorrow, and knowing how much you love them, I was wondering if you'd be willing to take time out of your no-doubt busy schedule to come down to the store and help me unpack and stock 'em.
Daria thinks for a moment.
Daria: Sure... I guess.
Jane: Me, too.
Amy looks at Jane oddly.
Amy: Maybe all that time you spend with my niece is starting to pay off. You don't usually want to set foot near that place. (Beat) Not that I blame you, but it will be nice to have another helper.
Amy: Why should I have to pay assistants to do this sort of thing for me when I can have my stepdaughter and my niece do it for free?
Amy: The problem with you kids is that you don't know sarcasm when you hear it.
Daria (Drily): What's sarcasm?
Amy: That's more like it.
Jane: Am I to take it that we won't be paid for performing this service?
Amy: No. You get to keep any antique coins you find on the floor, though.
Amy: I'll just have to call Monique and tell her she can't have you for serum testing tomorrow afternoon.
175. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF JANE
She looks shocked.
176. CUT TO - AMY
Amy: You feeling okay, Jane? It's not usually this easy to fool you. I was kidding. (Beat) I guess Monique's serum will just have to test itself... Too bad. I think it would have been interesting to know someone who glowed in the dark.
177. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF JANE
She looks shocked and confused.
Jane: But I thought you said...
178. CUT TO - AMY
She sighs, but does so good-naturedly.
Amy: I did. (Beat) Some days it's a real challenge with you, Jane.
She walks away.
179. CUT TO - DARIA AND JANE
Jane: So what just happened?
Daria: I think you and I just volunteered to help my aunt unpack books all day tomorrow.
Jane: That's what I thought. (Beat) Daria, if I ever do that again, please bash my brains in with my easel.
Daria: Okay. But only if I get to put a canvas on it first and sell it afterwards.
Jane glares at Daria.
180. CUT TO - INT. BARKSDALE'S BOOKS, DAY
Daria and Jane emerge from a back room, looking a little mussed. We see that Barksdale's Books looks a lot like any other book store, except for the fact that everything in stock is old or antique. Where we are, we can only see bookshelves, and the door leading to the background.
Daria: Yes, Jane?
Jane: If I ever volunteer for this sort of thing again, I want you to bash my brains out with an easel.
Daria: You already asked me to do that.
Jane: Well, consider this a friendly reminder, then.
We hear the door jingle, to announce the arrival of a customer.
Jane: A customer?
Daria: Aunt Amy! Customer!
Amy (O/S): What?
Amy (O/S, Drily): What's a customer? (Beat) I'll be out in a minute or two, Daria. See if you avoid pissing them off for that long, at least.
181. CUT TO - MONIQUE
At the front desk.
Monique: Anyone here? Or can I just walk off with a vintage Amazing Stories?
Daria (O/S): Just a minute.
182. CUT TO - INT. BARKSDALE'S BOOKS
The front half of the store, where we see that Monique is standing in front of the front desk, her hand near the bell. Daria enters the scene.
Monique: Daria? You're here?
Daria: Regrettably, yes.
Monique: I thought you liked doing this.
Daria: Doing what - hauling books out of shipping crates only to stick them on the top shelves of all of these book cases? (Beat, deadpan) It's great. (Beat) What brings you here?
Monique: Well, I was going to ask your aunt where to find you, but since you're here I guess I don't have to.
Daria: I guess not. What would you like?
Monique: Jane around?
Daria: This isn't about that serum testing, is it?
Monique: What serum testing?
Monique: Look, is Jane here or isn't she?
Daria: She was here the last time I checked.
Monique (Impatiently): Which was when, exactly? I've got some questions for the two of you.
Daria: Why didn't you just say so? (Beat) Jane!
Jane emerges into the shot.
Jane: No need to holler so loud, Daria. We've got a cust - (Beat) Oh. Hey, Monique.
Monique: Hello, Jane.
Jane: What's up?
183. CUT TO - DARIA AND JANE
Daria: She wants to ask a few questions.
Jane: What? (Beat) Why?
184. CUT TO - MONIQUE
Monique: A little interest survey I'm conducting. For a project.
She looks out the window.
185. CUT TO - INT. BARKSDALE'S BOOKS
Daria: Well, we're both here now, so I guess you can ask away.
Monique is staring out the window.
Monique (Absently): Alcohol... yes, of course. That might impair the mouse's reaction time enough to...
Monique: What? (Beat) Oh, sorry, Daria. You know how it is when I get ideas.
Daria: Um... yeah. You had some questions?
Monique: Right. (Beat) When was your first song published, Daria?
Daria: Why do you need to know that?
Monique: Don't ask me. I didn't write the survey.
Jane: Seems like an awfully weird survey to conduct, Monique.
Monique: Just answer the question, please.
Daria: Oh... uh... let's see here... 1997?
186. CUT TO - DARIA AND JANE
Jane (To Daria, drily): Nice cover, Daria.
Daria (To Jane): Quiet, you.
187. CUT TO - MONIQUE
Monique: How many different girlfriends have you had?
Jane: What kind of question is that? I want to see this so-called survey.
188. CUT TO - INT. BARKSDALE'S BOOKS
Daria: Monique, is this a survey for teenage songwriters and lesbians, or is it just skewed?
Monique: Never mind. I've already found out all I needed to.
Daria: And that is?
Monique: I'll tell you tomorrow. I have a class in twenty minutes. Just swing by the lab about three tomorrow afternoon.
Jane: And if we refuse?
Monique (Drily): That serum test can become a reality. (Beat) Tomorrow, then?
Daria nods, and Monique leaves. Amy emerges from the back room.
Amy: Well, I'm seeing you two, but no customers.
Daria: She left.
Amy checks her watch.
Amy: Three minutes. A new record. (Beat) Nice job, Daria. Keep this up, and I won't have to come into work once a week anymore.
Amy rolls her eyes.
189. WIPE TO - INT. THE ZON (1)
Alt. Daria and Alt. Jane are sitting at the bar in back, partaking in the whole Mystik Spiral experience.
Trent (O/S, singing): "I'm waitin' my turn. Oh, when will I learn? My poor heart, you're givin' it Freezer burn."
As Trent sings these words, Alt. Daria's face falls, but she takes on a calculating look after a few moments.
Alt. Daria (Quietly): It's always been your turn, Trent. All you have to do is ask.
Alt. Jane: What was that, amiga?
190. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF ALT. DARIA
She blushes slightly.
Alt. Daria: Nothing.
191. CUT TO - ALT. DARIA AND ALT. JANE
Alt. Jane: I know that look. That wasn't a "nothing" look. You're planning something.
Alt. Daria: Well, aside from taking advantage of your brother as soon as I figure out the logistics, I'm not planning anything.
Alt. Jane (Drily): That's a lot more then I needed to know.
Alt. Daria: Then you shouldn't have asked.
Alt. Jane (To Bartender): Bartender? Bring my friend here some liquid courage. She's going to need it.
Alt. Daria: Jane...
Alt. Jane: No arguments, my dear.
The bartender walks over with two shot glasses and a fifth of whiskey. He dumps them on the bar.
Bartender: You don't look like you're 21.
Alt. Jane: And you don't look like you've taken a bath in a month.
Bartender: Fair enough.
He walks away.
Alt. Daria: But...
Alt. Jane: I said, no arguments. I'm sick of your mooning, girl. All you ever do is stare at him while he's asleep, and trip over your tongue when he's awake. And when he's not around, you talk about everything you'd like to do to him. It's time to take charge of the situation.
Alt. Daria: But...
Alt. Jane: Want to take it up with Clownie?
Alt. Daria: You wouldn't dare.
Alt. Jane: Try me.
She pours a shot, and shoves it into Alt. Daria's hand.
Alt. Jane: Less talky, more drinky.
Alt. Daria sighs, and lifts the shot glass to her lips.
192. CUT TO - INT. TRENT'S ROOM
The lights are off. The door opens. The lights come on, and Trent walks in.
193. CUT TO - ALT. DARIA
She's lying on his bed, half-asleep and obviously stinking drunk.
Alt. Daria: Hello, Trent. I've been waiting for you.
194. CUT TO - INT. TRENT'S ROOM
She stands up and teeters over to him..
Alt. Daria: You have lovely eyes.
Trent: Are you drunk?
Alt. Daria: Mmm... (Beat) I just wanted to tell you that if I can ever do anything for you, or more to the point to you, you just let me know. Okay?
She leans over to kiss him, and falls flat on her face.
195. CUT TO - ALT. DARIA
She's now on the floor, and starting to snore.
196. CUT TO - TRENT
He scratches his forehead.
Trent: That was weird.
197. WIPE TO - EXT. MONIQUE'S LAB, DAY
Daria and Jane approach the building, which is a generic warehouse-type building.
Jane: Is this it?
Daria: Do you see any other buildings around here?
Jane: Well... no.
Daria: There you go, then.
She walks over to the door, and enters. Jane follows after a beat or two.
198. CUT TO - INT. MONIQUE'S LAB
It's your generically insane-looking laboratory. All kinds of freaky gadgets sit on lab tables throughout the room, several of which seem to be in operation. Test tubes with all kinds of incandescent fluids are bubbling all over the place. Monique and an assistant are in the background, obviously hard at work on something.
Daria: This looks like some sort of Ed Wood movie set.
Jane: This place is cool.
She wanders off, looking at everything.
Monique: All right, Janice. Slow and steady... That's it.
Janice: Finally. Only a dozen more steps to go.
Monique - in a lab coat, wearing goggles, and with her hair in a ponytail - turns around, and sees Daria.
Monique: Good. You're here.
Daria: No we're not.
Jane (O/S): We're only figments of your imagination.
Monique: Very funny. (Beat) Janice, think you can put the rest of that table together by yourself?
Janice shrugs in the background and gets back to work.
Monique: Just let me check on some of the test tubes here, and I'll be with you in a second.
Jane (O/S): Hey, this blue stuff glows. Cool.
Daria: Which test tubes?
Monique: At least the ones with blue and red liquid in them.
Daria: Blue and red?
Monique: Well, the blue one tends to explode if anyone looks at it for too long, so I only check it once a day.
Daria: How can anything blow up if someone looks at it for too long?
Monique: But that might be the red. I have a hard time keeping them apart.
In the background, we hear a small boom.
Monique: Uh-oh. (Beat) Janice, when you're done with that table, I think we're going to need some more of the blue mixture.
199. CUT TO - JANE
She looks like the Coyote after a bomb goes off.
Jane: Hey, Monique, what was that about the blue liquid again? (Beat) And what was in it?
Monique (O/S): Never mind, Jane.
Daria (O/S): Jane, are you OK?
Jane: Oh, yeah. Just great.
200. CUT TO - INT. LAB, DAY
Monique looks a little sheepish.
Monique: Uh... (Beat) On the plus side, there's still a red test tube intact..
Daria: Dare I ask what that does?
Monique: That blows up if you don't look at it at least once an hour.
Daria: I'm not even going to ask how that's possible, or why you'd invent something like that. (Beat) When was the last time you looked at it, just out of curiosity?
Monique: About an hour ago.
A second explosion, much bigger than the first one.
201. CUT TO - INT. BARKSDALE-LANE LIVING ROOM
The explosion can be heard clearly. A Vincent and A Amy are sitting on the couch, watching television.
Amy: Sounds like Monique needs another new roof.
Vincent: Not again.
Amy: You'd think Janice would have learned to keep her eye on those test tubes by now, wouldn't you?
202. CUT TO - AERIAL VIEW OF THE LAB
There's a huge hole in it.
203. CUT TO - INT. LAB
The lab is now in a state of complete disarray inside. Sun is shining down from the massive hole in the roof, and tables and remnants of experiments are scattered to the four winds.
Monique: Make a note of it, Janice! New roof.
Daria: You would have thought we would have seen that one coming, wouldn't you?
Jane (O/S): Really? You think?
204. CUT TO - JANICE
She's your typical college freshman type.
Janice (Under her breath): Why couldn't I have just gotten a job as a stripper, like Donna? (Beat, to Monique) Sure thing, Monique. Do I still have to finish the table?
205. CUT TO - INT. LAB
Monique: Just make the call, okay?
Daria: Tell me, Monique - is it always like this around here? Or are you just having a good day?
Monique is on the verge of answering when Jane stumbles out from behind a lab table.
Jane: I don't even want to look at a test tube again.
Daria: Was it the blue one or the red one?
Jane: Blue. (Beat) I hate blue.
Monique: Well, now that we're all here, let's talk.
She trails off and stays silent.
Daria: Uh, Monique?
Daria: I think you wanted to talk to us.
Monique: Oh. Right. Follow me, please.
She walks off towards the back of the suddenly, mostly clear lab. We see Janice on the phone in the background, scowling.
205. CUT TO - INT. MONIQUE'S OFFICE
Monique walks in, and sets her lab coat down on the back of a chair. She walks over to the desk, and sits down in the leather chair. Daria and Jane sit down in the two chairs in front of the desk.
Monique: Now that we're all here...
Daria: I know, I know. Let's talk, right?
Monique: Yeah. (Beat) I don't think you two are from around here.
Monique: I mean, in the technical sense, where you're from is probably called Lawndale, too, but I don't think you're from this one.
Monique: Let me say it this way - what dimensional wormhole did you crawl out of? Because the Daria I know published her first song when she was sixteen. And she wasn't sixteen until 1998.
Daria: Oh, not you too...
Daria buries her face in her hands.
Jane: She thinks she's dreaming all of this.
Monique: So, you did come here from another dimension?
Jane: I guess.
Monique: When, where, and how?
Jane: It all started one day about a week and a half ago, when this apple core started moving...
206. FADE TO - INT. MONIQUE'S OFFICE
Daria is sitting with a bored look on her face; Monique is hanging on Jane's every word.
Jane: ...and then we came here to talk to you.
Monique seems lost in thought.
Monique: Hmmm... (Beat) If the positrons from the monitor were to reflect off of the biochemical organisms growing in your brother's closet, then...
Monique: ...the space-time continuum may have ruptured, creating a vortex between dimensions that...
Daria: Monique? Are you there?
Monique: ...proves Hawking's theory of... (Beat) Oh, sorry.
Jane: I don't know what language you were speaking in, Monique, but could you please translate it into English for those of who are not majoring in some sort of science?
Monique: Well, in layman's terms, electromagnetic radiation from your computer monitor interacted with the organisms that had started to grow in your brother's closet. And that created a rip between dimensions capable of sucking in all organic life, like a rotten apple core or a human being.
Jane: Sounds like a bad TV show.
Daria: Or a really bad nightmare. I swear, I am never eating lasagne again.
A Monique: Look, Daria - this isn't a dream. And if you two are in this dimension, then the Daria and Jane I know are in your dimension. And unless your universe is exactly the same as here, then things are probably going to be different if I can get you home.
207. CUT TO - DARIA
208. CUT TO - INT. MONIQUE'S OFFICE
Monique: I can't make any promises. I've never done anything like this before.
Daria (Deadpan): What a relief.
Jane: There's just one thing I don't understand.
Daria: And that would be?
Jane: Well, we fell through the vortex. How come they would have showed up in our Lawndale?
Monique: Good question.
Daria: Do you know the answer?
Monique: Not a clue. I'm just assuming.
Jane: Now, I'm really relieved.
Monique: Relax, Jane. I'm a scientist. I won't let anything happen to you.
Jane: Just like you didn't let that test tube I was looking at explode?
Monique: At least it was one of the ones made out of safety glass. If it had been the green one, you'd probably be dead right now.
209. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF JANE'S FACE
In the distance, we hear a muffled cry and a third explosion.
Jane: Are you saying that there's more of those... things out there?
210. CUT TO - INT. A MONIQUE'S OFFICE
Smoke starts pouring under the door.
Janice (O/S): That's it! I quit! I can't take any more of this!
Monique: I'll be right back. If the smoke gets too thick, open a window.
Monique gets up and walks out of the office. Daria and Jane look around.
Daria: But there isn't a window in this room.
Jane: Then I guess we'll just suffocate in silence. (Beat) Hey, there's a TV in the corner. Do you think she gets cable?
Daria gives Jane a Look.
Daria: Never mind. (Beat) You know, I feel rather strange trusting my continued existence in any dimension to her. She reminds me of the Absent-Minded Professor.
Jane: So, you finally decided to join the trans-dimensional team, eh? (Beat) And she doesn't look like Jerry Lewis to me.
211. WIPE TO - INT. NORMAL LANE LIVING ROOM, DAY
Alt. Jane is sitting on the couch, watching television. Alt. Daria comes staggering in.
Alt. Jane: Have a good time last night?
Alt. Daria: Aspirin. Now. Or forever hold your teeth.
Alt. Jane: With all of the improvements in modern dentistry? Not likely. (Beat) So, how was he?
Alt. Daria: Nothing happened, Jane. Unfortunately.
Alt. Jane considers for a moment.
Alt. Jane: I always said you were a lightweight.
Alt. Daria: Hey, the booze was your idea.
Alt. Jane (Thought V.O.): Ooops.
Alt. Daria: No more Happy Chopsticks for you.
Alt. Jane Awww... (Beat) And you look so cute with those chopsticks balanced on your nose.
Alt. Daria: Shut up, Jane. I'm never going to the Good Times with you again. You'll just have to eat your moo goo gai pan all by yourself, now.
Alt. Jane: Damn it!
A few moments of silence.
Alt. Daria: Maybe I should just give up. (Beat) I mean, it's not like he'll ever notice I exist if I keep making an ass out of myself around him.
Alt. Jane: That's no way to talk, Daria. Did Elvis give up after his third triple bypass? I don't think so.
Alt. Daria: Was that before or after the aliens came for him?
Alt. Jane: Hmmm... (Beat) I'm serious, though. In all the the time I've known you, you've always gone after what you wanted. And around here, he doesn't seem to be going out with Monique or anyone else, meaning he's free.
Alt. Daria: But...
Alt. Jane: So your lack of experience with alcohol worked against you this time. All you need is a new plan.
Alt. Daria: I don't get you, Jane.
Alt. Jane: Really? I'd swear you get me about once a week, on average.
Alt. Daria: I mean, even with our relationship, you're still trying to set me up with your brother.
Alt. Jane: Well, what we do's just a bit of fun. And no one ever said we had to stop if we succeed here.
She arches an eyebrow.
212. CUT TO - ALT. DARIA
A Daria: Good.
213. CUT TO - INT. LANE LIVING ROOM, DAY
Alt. Jane: Now, onto plan B: Operation Aphrodite.
Alt. Daria: Operation Aphrodite? Where do you get these names from, anyway?
Alt. Jane: Sugar packets, mostly.
Alt. Daria: I see. (Beat) And what is Operation Aphrodite?
Alt. Jane: We go out and buy you some new lingerie, some candles, some Barry White, and have Trent's room cleaned out so you can work your black magic on him. What else?
214. CUT TO - INT. LAWNDALE COMMONS, DAY
BGM: Def Leppard - "Photograph." This section's a montage, mostly, so the music continues throughout, while there's no sound from the characters. Alt. Daria and Alt. Jane are standing around in front of a Billy-Bob's of Little Rock lingerie store. Alt. Daria is lingering as far from the entrance as she can, but Alt. Jane grabs her hand and drags her into the store.
215. FADE TO - INT. LAWNDALE COMMONS, DAY
Alt. Daria comes out looking slightly embarrassed and carrying a bag. Alt. Jane comes out carrying a much larger bag, and wearing a mischievous smirk. She sets off to the left, and Alt. Daria follows.
216. CUT TO - EXT. INCENSED CANDLE STORE, DAY
Alt. Daria enters with somewhat less trepidation then before; this time, she has to drag Alt. Jane in.
217. FADE TO - EXT. INCENSED, DAY
Alt. Daria and Alt. Jane leave the store. The former carries a small bag; the latter carries nothing.
218. CUT TO - EXT. ELEVATOR MUSIC, DAY
Alt. Jane and Alt. Daria enter the store.
219. FADE TO - EXT. ELEVATOR MUSIC, DAY
Alt. Jane carries a bag, Alt. Daria carries nothing.
220. CUT TO - INT. LANE KITCHEN, DAY
Alt. Jane is on the phone with someone. Alt. Daria is eyeing the small Billy-Bob's bag, which sits on the table, warily.
221. CUT TO - EXT. LANE HOUSE, DAY
A van pulls up with the words Sir Scrubs-A-Lot Home Cleaning on the side.
222. CUT TO - INT. TRENT'S ROOM, DAY
The cleaning man looks frightened. Alt. Jane slips him a dollar bill of some sort, and he sets forth into the room.
223. FADE TO - INT. TRENT'S ROOM, DAY
It looks perfect, or as perfect as it can get. The cleaning man hands Alt. Jane a bill. She looks at it strangely, and then sighs and reaches into a pocket.
224. CUT TO - INT. LANE KITCHEN, DAY
Alt. Jane and Alt. Daria are sitting at the table. Alt. Jane holds her head in her hands.
Alt. Jane: How could it cost so much to have one room cleaned? (Beat) I was saving that money for an automatic rifle.
Alt. Daria: And when you do get one, I'm going to use it on you. I can't believe you made me buy that thing.
She points at the shopping bag, which sits in the corner of the room.
Alt. Jane: Well, if you want to get his attention, I'd say that pretty much guarantees it. Of course, it all depends on what you want him to pay attention to. (Beat) Are you going to let me see what it looks like, or do I have to persuade you?
Alt. Daria: Well... uh... (Beat) Why the hell did I agree to go with you on this plan?
Alt. Jane: Trent.
Alt. Daria: Damn hormones. (Beat) What next?
Alt. Jane: We wait, I think.
Alt. Daria: You think? This is definitely the last time I ever go along with any of your so-called plans, Jane.
Alt. Jane: You said that the time we spiked Kevin's Gatorade with the mescaline. And the time we trashed that art project. And the time I tried to hook you up with that nerdy guy.
Alt. Daria sighs.
225. WIPE TO - INT. LAB
Monique is sitting at a righted table near the door, scribbling frantically on a piece of paper. Around her, workmen are gradually working at repairing the massive hole in the roof. One of the workmen comes up to her.
Workman: Miss Courbet?
Monique (Absently): Yeah?
Workman: I'd just like to thank you for all the times you hire us to do this. You're giving my daughter a college fund.
Monique: What? Oh, thanks, I guess.
The workman runs off, and she returns to her scribbling.
226. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF MONIQUE
Monique: Let's see... if x equals the relative distance between test tube A... going at seventy miles an hour towards China... (Beat) Oh, hell, this isn't working at all.
She crumples the paper into a ball and tosses it towards a flask resting on the other end of the table.
227. CUT TO - THE FLASK
The paper ball hits it, and a gigantic plume of smoke rises from the flask.
Workman 2 (O/S): Duck!
Amazingly, the flask does not explode. It disappears, instead. In a moment, a second flask of apparently similar content materializes on the table.
228. WIPE TO - INT. CHEMISTRY LAB
Two scientists are hard at work on some sort of formula.
Scientist 1: Hey, Al, hand me that hydrochloric acid would you?
Scientist 2: All right, but I'm pretty sure that you don't make brownies with acid.
Scientist 1: Just give me the damned flask, will you?
Scientist 2: Fine.
He looks over, and sees the flask disappear. In a moment, another materializes.
Scientist 2: What the hell?
Scientist 1: Are you gonna give me the flask or not?
Scientist 2: Uh... sure...
229. WIPE TO - MONIQUE
Monique: Hmmm... (Beat) What was in that again? It was either ethyl alcohol for the lab mice, or something else... maybe it was that stuff that was supposed to open a gateway in space and time... (Beat, as she realizes what she just said, and what may have happened.) Eureka!
230. CUT TO - INT. LAB
Monique jumps to her feet.
Monique: Eureka! (Beat) I always wanted to say that!
She runs off to her office.
231. CUT TO - WORKMEN
Workman 1: Tell me, Gary, what happened the last time she jumped to her feet like that?
Workman 2: I think that was the time we ended up having to rebuild the walls.
Workman 1: Right. (Beat) I think I'd better call my wife. Looks like we'll be doing overtime tonight.
232. CUT TO - INT. MONIQUE'S OFFICE
She grabs the phone and dials.
233. CUT TO - INT. BARKSDALE-LANE KITCHEN
The phone rings twice, before A Amy comes in and answers it.
Amy: I told you, Ruttheimer - call here again and you'll be looking at damned biggest lawsuit you've ever seen.
Monique (O/S): Excuse me?
Amy: Oh, sorry, Monique. Been having problems with the Frog again.
Monique (O/S): Oh. (Beat) Is Jane there?
Monique (O/S): Can I talk to her?
Amy: Of course you can. Will you?
Monique (O/S): Amy...
Amy: All right, all right... (Beat) Jane! Phone! Now!
234. CUT TO - INT. MONIQUE'S OFFICE
Monique is pacing, holding the phone.
Jane (O/S): Hello?
Monique: Jane. I did it1
Jane (Deadpan): Wow. What a relief.
Monique: No. I figured out how to send you home.
Monique: You remember that whole alternate dimension thing?
Jane: Of course, but I'm a little surprised you do.
Monique: Very funny. I'm not that absent minded. (Beat) Could you tell Daria? I don't remember her family's phone number.
Jane: There's a surprise.
Monique: And then get down here and help me collect some equipment. If all goes well, you should be able to eat dinner in your own dimension tonight.
Jane: Red stuff a la refrigerator. Very appetizing.
Monique: Jane... you're as insufferable as the other you.
Jane: I'll choose to take that as a compliment.
Monique: I also would have thought you'd be happier to have a chance to get home.
Jane: What can I say? (Beat) Guess I'll see you fairly soon, eh?
236. CUT TO - JANE
She hangs up, sets the phone down, and does a victory leap into the air.
Jane: No more green! Yes!
Amy walks into the kitchen at this point.
Amy: I don't want to know, Jane. I just came in for some coffee.
Amy walks out, and Jane picks up the phone and quickly dials.
237. CUT TO - INT. DARIA'S ROOM
Daria is sitting on the bed, reading aloud from a binder of lyrics.
Daria: Darkness settles on the town, a razor wire 'cross my heart? (Beat, deadpan) Wow. What great writing.
The phone rings.
Daria: Anyone going to get that?
The phone rings again.
Daria: I guess not.
She sets the binder down, and picks up the phone.
238. CUT TO - JANE
Jane: Guess what, amiga?
Daria: You've finally gone off the deep end?
Jane: Not exactly. Monique found a way to get us home.
Daria: Say what?
Jane: We're going home, Daria.
Daria: Jane, you had better not be kidding me. If you are, I swear I am going to...
Jane: Whoa, calm down. I'm not kidding you. She just called here.
Jane: We're supposed to go down to her lab and help her pick up equipment.
Daria: What happened to Janice?
Jane: She quit. Remember?
Daria: Oh, right. (Beat) I guess I'll be right over.
She hangs up.
Daria: It's about damned time.
240. CUT TO - INT. BARKSDALE-LANE LIVING ROOM
Monique, Daria, and Jane walk in the door carrying all manner of flasks, boxes, and the like. Amy looks on with some amusement.
Amy: So, you are planning to take over Lawndale. And you enlisted Monique's help, but not mine? I'm ashamed of you, Jane.
Amy: I give up.
She walks off.
Daria: What was that all about?
Jane: Hey, she's your aunt.
Amy (O/S): Vincent, Jane's finally started a guerilla army.
Vincent (O/S): Jane, whatever you do, don't invade Belize until after you sister comes back home, okay?
Jane (To Monique): You know, I think I'll actually miss them.
Jane: Never mind. (Beat) Can we get this over with? Sick Sad World has a marathon tonight that I've planning on watching for a month.
241. WIPE TO - EXT. LANE HOUSE, DAY
Trent's car pulls up in front of the house.
242. CUT TO - INT. LANE KITCHEN
Alt. Jane: Sounds like big bro is here, Daria. (Beat) Now is your time to shine.
Alt. Daria: Really, Jane, that's all right. I can do this another way, and...
Alt. Jane: Upstairs. Now. And take the bag, would you?
She smirks, Alt. Daria sighs, stands, and takes the bag.
Alt. Daria: If this doesn't work, I'm going to kill you for embarrassing me like this.
Alt. Jane: And if it does work, you'll be so busy getting your hands full you'll forget all about what you'd like to do to me. March.
243. WIPE TO - INT. ALT. JANE'S ROOM
Monique has set up a camera to take pictures, and is currently dosing the far wall of the closet with the same clear substance that showed up earlier. Jane is assisting her. Daria is standing back and watching all of this impassively.
Jane: So, what exactly is this stuff, anyway?
Monique: Another one of those little potions you had so much fun with the other day, Jane. (Beat) It was supposed to let people go back in time, but it never worked.
Jane: And what do going back in time and going into another dimension have in common?
Monique: Well... uh... (Beat) In any event, today I ruined a few equations I was working on, and tossed paper at the flask the potion was in.
Monique: The flask disappeared, and another one reappeared.
Jane: And you're sure it wasn't the same one?
Monique: Positive. The new one had a different shape.
Jane: I see. (Beat) Did you think to test this on anyone else, first?
Jane looks to the sky.
Jane: Why me?
244. WIPE TO - INT. TRENT'S ROOM
It looks virtually unrecognizable, and is lit by candlelight. The blinds are drawn. Alt. Daria is lying on the bed, although we can't tell what she's wearing, since it's too dark. A rattle at the doorknob.
Alt. Daria: This will never work... this will never work... this will never work...
The door opens. Trent walks in.
245. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF TRENT
He looks his eyes are about to bug out of his head.
Trent: Must have the wrong room. Sorry.
He turns to leave.
246. CUT TO - ALT. DARIA
We can see she's wearing some sort of black, lacy thing.
Alt. Daria: No. Trent, wait.
She gets up and walks over to him as he turns around, leaning in close.
247. CUT TO - INT. TRENT'S ROOM
Trent: What are you doing, Daria?
Alt. Daria: Something I should have done a long time ago.
She kisses him.
248. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF TRENT
To say that the man is stunned is an understatement. However, as she continues to kiss him, he begins to respond for a few moments, before he stops.
249. CUT TO - ALT. DARIA AND TRENT
Alt. Daria: What is it, Trent?
Trent: I'm not really sure how I feel about this, Daria. (Beat) I mean, you're my sister's best friend, and... well... you're...
Alt. Daria smirks a little and presses against him tighter.
Alt. Daria: You seem to feel just fine about it.
She kisses him again, and he begins to give in and really kiss back.
Trent (Thought V.O.): Think about it, man. She's your best friend's sister. (Beat) And she's a good kisser.
She kisses him again, and he begins to look surprisingly blissful as he continues to respond in kind.
Trent (Thought V.O.): Make that great. And she's interested in you. How's your breath?
A look of worry crosses his face, and he breaks away.
Alt. Daria: Yes, Trent?
Trent: I'll be right back.
He turns and leaves, while A Daria stands and looks annoyed.
Alt. Daria: Damn it. Just when things were starting to heat up, he runs off.
250. WIPE TO - INT. ALT. JANE'S ROOM
Monique stands by the door, waiting for Daria and Jane to finalize preparations.
Daria: And you're sure that this is going to work?
Jane: Oh, come on, Daria - everyone knows that throwing paper balls at closet walls opens portals between dimensions.
Monique: Right. (Beat) Listen, if anything goes wrong, just call for me, and I'll see what I can do.
Daria: And if nothing goes wrong until after we step into the portal? (Beat) I can't believe I'm talking about this. I can't believe I'm about to do this.
Jane: Just keep telling yourself that it will all be over soon.
Daria: What good does that do?
Jane: I'm not quite sure. I've always wanted to say that, though.
Daria: You would.
A Monique: I think this might be a good time for me to leave, just in case...
Daria: In case what, Monique?
Monique: Oh... nothing... (Beat) I'll be back for my camera later.
She turns, and walks out of the room, closing the door behind her.
Jane: Why do I get a bad feeling about this?
Daria: Shut up, Jane. Every time someone says that, something bad happens, and I don't much like the idea of ending up in some sort of alternate dimension that makes Hell look good. Like in that movie. What was it called?
Jane: Fast Times in Ridgemont High?
Daria: Very funny. (Beat, as she crumples a piece of paper into a ball.) Shall we get this over with?
Jane: After you, amiga.
Daria: Very well. Into the closet we go. (Beat) Tell me, Jane, do you feel as stupid as I do right now?
Jane: Do you feel like Kevin?
Jane: Then I'd say the answer is a resounding no.
They step towards the opened door, and Daria raises the paper ball as if she's about to throw it.
251. WIPE TO - INT. LANE BATHROOM
Trent stands before a medicine cabinet, looking for mouthwash. He finds some, and opens the bottle.
252. CUT TO - INT. TRENT'S ROOM
Alt. Daria is tapping her foot impatiently.
Alt. Daria: If he doesn't come back soon, I'm going after him. I did not wait three years for this moment only to have it end like this.
Over the soundtrack, a rather loud bang can be heard, and Daria and Jane flicker into existence in front of the closet.
Alt. Daria / Daria (Simultaneously): Who the hell are you?
Alt. Daria begins to flicker out of existence.
Alt. Daria (Fading out): Damn it!
Daria and Jane look at each other in a state of confusion.
Daria: Who the hell was that in the underwear?
Jane: Offhand, I'd say it was you.
They look around the room.
Daria: Just great. (Beat) And where the hell are we, anyway?
Jane: It looks like Trent's room.
Daria: Only without all of the... (Beat) Oh, hell - Monique's wonderful potion didn't work.
Jane: Well, can we at least look around and figure out where we are before you jump to conclusions?
Daria: I guess. (Beat, drily) Lead on, Macduff, and damned be he that first cries, "Hold, enough."
Jane: I thought it was "Lay on, Macduff." (2)
Daria: Never mind.
They walk to the door, and step out.
253. CUT TO - INT. JANE'S ROOM
Daria and Jane are checking everything.
Daria: Well, your easel's here.
Jane: And also my collection of paintings of Tom's death, so I'd say this is probably my room. But what are these clothes in the corner?
254. CUT TO - CLOTHES
A red jacket, a black t-shirt, a grey skirt, and an extra pair of combat boots.
255. CUT TO - DARIA
Jane: That was you in Trent's room.
Daria: I don't want to think about it, Jane. So don't say one damned word. And burn those, would you?
She indicates the clothes with a point of her finger.
256. CUT TO - INT. TRENT'S ROOM
He walks in, and - naturally - Alt. Daria is gone.
He stands there and scratches his head.
Trent: I knew I should have brushed my teeth this morning.
257. WIPE TO - INT. ALT. JANE'S ROOM
Alt. Jane is sitting on the floor, looking stunned. Alt. Daria is curled up next to her, in the lingerie, shaking.
Alt. Jane: And a rude awakening that was. One minute at the kitchen table, the next here.
She looks around.
Alt. Jane: Hey, it looks like my room. (Beat) Hey, Daria, we're home! Daria?
Alt. Jane reaches over and taps Alt. Daria on the shoulder.
258. CUT TO - CLOSE-UP OF ALT. DARIA
She looks up, an expression of indignant rage on her face.
Alt. Daria: That little bitch...
259. CUT TO - ALT. JANE
Alt. Jane: Who? Quinn?
260. CUT TO - INT. ALT. JANE'S ROOM
Alt. Daria: No, that green jacket-wearing little snob. Just when I was about to finally get what I wanted, she took it away from me.
Alt. Jane: So the lingerie was working?
Alt. Daria levels a look of rage in A Jane's general direction.
Alt. Daria: If you weren't my cousin-in-law, I'd...
Monique (O/S): Did it work?
Alt. Jane: Monique?
261. CUT TO - THE DOOR
It opens, and Monique pokes her head into the room.
Monique: You're back?
Alt. Jane: Yeah. What happened, anyway, Monique? And how did the anniversary go?
Monique: I'll tell you later. (Beat) Daria? Why are you wearing that negligee?
Alt. Daria: Get out, Monique.
Alt. Daria: Get out, Monique!
Alt. Jane: She's a little... uh... frustrated right now, Monique. You might want to come back and talk later.
262. WIPE TO - INT. MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM
Quinn is sitting on the couch, watching the television, when Daria walks in wearing the red.
Daria: Have you seen Mom and Dad? I need to talk to them.
Quinn has a delay of about a half a second before she answers, a little less confidently then usual.
Quinn: They're in the kitchen.
Daria: Making pancakes?
Quinn: That's gross, Daria. I think they're waiting for you, actually. (Beat) By the way, Tom called and said not to bother him ever again.
Quinn: Well, what did you expect when you had that friend of yours beat him up?
Quinn turns back to the television, obviously not going to say another word on the subject. Daria sighs despondently and walks off to the kitchen.
263. CUT TO - INT. MORGENDORFFER KITCHEN
Helen is pacing around nervously, not even talking on her cell phone. Jake, of course, is reading a newspaper at the table, completely oblivious to his surroundings. When Daria walks in, Helen looks so tense she's about to jump straight up in the air like a rocket.
Helen (Too cheerfully): Hi, sweetie!
Helen: Honey, we need to talk.
Helen guides Daria over to the kitchen table, and sits her down in one of the chairs, before taking the opposite seat herself.
Helen (Harshly): Jake! Put that damn paper down and help me out here.
Jake: But Helen -
Jake reluctantly lowers the paper.
Helen (Much more gently): Now, Daria, we love you, and respect your right to choose your own life.
Daria: Who are you people, and where did you put my real parents? (Beat) And I've been wanting to talk to you, too.
Helen: If she truly makes you feel happy, and you truly love her, then we're willing to support you.
Daria: What are you talking about?
Helen: You don't need to hide anything from us anymore, Daria. We know all about you and Jane.
Daria: Excuse me?
Jake: Damn it, Daria! Why'd you have to turn out a lesbian? I wanted grandkids!
264. CUT TO - EXT. MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, DAY
Daria (O/S): WHAT?!?
Helen (O/S): Jake! Remember what we talked about?
Jake (O/S): Oh... uh... (Beat) I mean, we're here for you, kiddo.
265. CUT TO - INT. DARIA'S ROOM
Daria is lying on her bed, with her head buried under her pillow. Presumably trying to escape the family circus downstairs. The phone rings, but Daria does not pick it up. It rings twice, before someone picks it up. Wait a few beats, and then...
Quinn (O/S): Daria! Phone! It's that Jane!
Jake (O/S): Gah!
Daria picks up the phone.
266. CUT TO - SPLITSCREEN
Jane: It sounds like your family's even more pleased to hear from me then usual.
Daria: That's because they think you and I are about to elope.
Daria: Remember that little thing the alternate you and I had about bed?
Jane: What little...? (Beat) Oooh, boy... that little thing.
Daria: Yes. Mom caught them at it in here. I had to burn the sheets.
Jane: What's the matter? Do you find me that unattractive?
Daria: Do you want an honest answer to that? (Beat) And apparently you beat the hell out of Tom, so he doesn't even want to talk to me anymore.
Jane: Really? I wish it had really been me.
Daria: That's not funny, Jane. It's going to take me forever to apologize to him for something that I didn't even have you do.
Jane: And it's a real shame that you didn't. (Beat) And I'm not the only person who had fun. I caught Trent wandering around upstairs muttering your name and something about bad breath.
Daria: I don't want to know, all right? In the last few hours, I found out that the guy I'm dating doesn't want to see me anymore. And that's bad. What's worse is that I then spent three hours alternately trying to convince my parents that I'm not a lesbian, and hearing them insist that I don't need to keep it secret anymore, and that it's all right with them. The last thing I needed to hear is that the other me was apparently putting the moves on Trent, too, okay?
Jane: All right, fine.
A few moments of silence, and then...
Daria: Do you think that gateway is still there?
Jane: Why do you ask?
Daria: Because I'm beginning to like that world a whole lot more then this one.
267. WIPE TO - INT. ALT. JANE'S CLOSET
Alt. Daria and Alt. Jane, in their normal clothing, are checking for the portal.
Alt. Daria: Have you found anything yet?
Alt. Jane: Nothing, Daria.
Alt. Daria: Damn it!
268. CUT TO - INT. ALT. JANE'S ROOM
She walks out of the closet and wanders over to the computer. In a moment, A Jane follows.
Alt. Jane: Why is it so important to you that you find that portal, anyway?
Alt. Daria: Listen, Jane - I finally had Trent exactly where I wanted him, and that bitch Monique took him away from me again, along with help from the other Daria. I'm going back there and getting him even if it kills me.
Alt. Jane: So what are you doing at the computer, then?
Alt. Daria: Research on quantum physics and interdimensional gateways.
269. CUT TO - INT. GARBAGE CAN
We see an apple core beginning to wobble as the computer beeps.
Alt. Jane (O/S): And what makes you think you'll find anything useful? It's the internet, after all.
Alt. Daria (O/S): Call it intuition, Jane. There has to be some way to reopen the thing.
270. FADE TO - CREDITS
BGM: "The Pool" - Tori Amos
- - -
(1) "WIPE TO - THE ZON": According to all of the literature I've seen for the show - including Virtual Lawndale on the MTV site and (as reports go) the manual for the PC Game Daria's Inferno, this is the correct spelling of everyone's favorite nightclub, not the commonly-used Zen. Just to clear that up, it's not misspelled and I'm not wrong. This time, anyway.
(2) Jane: I thought it was "Lay on, Macduff.": It is "Lay on, Macduff, and damned be he who first cries, 'Hold, enough.' But the fact of the matter is that a lot of people misquote this one; it's right up there with "Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well" as a Shakespearean mondegreen. A mondegreen is generally used as a term for misheard lyrics, but in this case I figured misheard and misquoted Shakespearean lines amount to almost the same thing.
DISCLAIMERS AND THANKS
All characters in this story (with the exception of poor Janice, who is of my own invention) were created by either Glenn Eichler or Susie Lewis. They're all copyrighted between 1997 and 2001 (Never hurts to kick things up, does it?) by MTV, Viacom, and probably one or two other persons or organizations. And they're all used without permission, no matter how messed up some of them might end up being in the final cut. I wish to extend my apologies to everyone mentioned above, for using their creations in a travesty such as the one you just finished reading.
Thanks to Robert Nowall (for not forgetting about the applesauce), NomadX, Ruthless Bunny, MeScribble, and Lew Richardson for being the beta reader support team. Of course, I probably managed to just make things worse, and screwed up all of your suggestions horribly, but I thank you all anyway. Heh heh heh heh heh. Extra special thanks to Erin Mills, who served as a great sounding board for ideas, and on several occasions as a Dialogue Assistant (Looks like I just created a new, politically correct term for beta readers in the script format... uh-oh.).