THE ALMOND NINJAS!
A ‘Daria’ fan fiction by Brother Grimace
In the end, it was Stacy Rowe’s nose that saved her.
She opened her eyes as a warn, sweet scent, nutty and familiar, lofted gently past her nostrils, and a barely felt touch of moving air touched the tip-
Stacy shifted her head suddenly – and feathers exploded across the bed as a blade slashed cleanly through the pillow her head lay upon milliseconds before!
In an instant, she could perceive four, five – no, six small, sleek and lethal images flashing through her room, and the scent of nuts threatened to smother her!
“Almond ninjas!” Stacy thought, remembering the teachings of her mentor as she flipped from the bed and hit the floor in a crouch, staying surprisingly low as she all decimated two of the intruders with a pair of Kenyan gazelle snap-kicks that broke their necks almost at once! “But how did they know-!”
“Kill her!” a tiny, chittering voice spoke in an accent that badly combined Jackie Chan with Chip and Dale. “Death to the Cage Master’s apprentice!”
“I don’t think so!”
A small, fluffy form squealed death and carnage as it catapulted through the darkness that disguised the rampant cutesy of the bedroom, and Stacy grunted as a tiny wakashi blade neatly sliced the tips off her left eyelash! “GHYAAAAAAH!” she screamed, catching the furry assassin in his plump midsection with a spear-hand strike that all but folded him over her hand like a glove, and the squirrel screamed as she grasped his wrist and twisted it, snapping the bones with a popping that rang off the walls of the room!
The squirrel dropped like a stone; it twitched in agony on the floor as Stacy leaped across her bed; a rain of sharpened sunflower seeds seemed to follow her path, quivering where they struck in the wall, the bedding and across her specially-purchased hypoallergenic pillows! “Strike the doe-legged demoness of destruction down, my brothers!” a tiny voice screeched from the darkness, and three adorably-cute squirrels leaped into the air as one, their identical blades poised to strike pigtails and head away from Stacy’s shoulders-
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
“Ew, that is just so – GROSS!” Stacy shrieked, wiping the remains of a hind leg from behind her left ear. “Entrails – and they’re all over my new comforter – it’ll never come out – EW! Couldn’t you just have let me take care of them?”
“Oh, stop complaining,” Quinn Morgendorffer yawned, loading fresh shells into her Benelli automatic shotgun as she stepped out of the closet. “You knew they’d be coming for you, soon enough. My Dad told you that you have to be careful - if any squirrel learns about you working with him, they’d try to get you…”
“But he seemed so innocent looking – and he did little tricks when I gave him nuts…”
“Yeah – well, these guys didn’t show up because you’re behind on your payments to ‘It’s a Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World,” the redhead growled, looking at the single rodent left alive in the room, barely able to breathe and each tiny gasp laced with pain. “Hey, you really ruined this rodent’s day…!”
“I’m… not… a… rodent…!”
“Oh, he can still talk, the cutesy-wutesy little squirrel can still talk!” Quinn gushed – and then, her eyes went iron-hard as she put her finger down on the injured animal’s hobbled forearm, making his tiny eyes widen with pain. “And he will.”
“You… will… never… make… me… talk!”
“Oh, so you think that you’ve got yourself a big set of Brazil nuts, hmn?” Quinn said, jerking the squirrel up and making him squeal as she plopped him down on top of the bed. “I think you’re right, Stacy – you’ll NEED a new comforter after we’re done here! Start talking, nut-boy – or else!”
“I am an Almond Ninja,” the squirrel whimpered, shuddering as he noticed the squirrel ear and quivering clump of tail that had stuck to the ceiling above the bed. “We live for the Bright-eyed and Bushy-tailed One – we die for the Bright-eyed and Bushy-tailed One...!”
“Oh, we’ll see about that,” Sandi Griffin said, a digital camera in her hands as Stacy held the door open for you. “Tiffany, would you please bring that in now…?”
“I… couldn’t… find… the… bolero… jacket,” Tiffany Blum-Deckler drawled, wheeling a small cart into the room. “It… had… sequins… and… spangles…”
The squirrel began to shake as the four girls towered over him. “I think that we’re going to get everything we want out of this little miscreant,” Sandi purred, the sound making the squirrel want to curl up into a tiny ball. “That is, if he doesn’t want to get the last, best and final makeover of his entire life. All the same – let’s start with the little gold ‘Princess Leia’ bikini from that movie with all of the other furry creatures that liked to jump out at people. We’ll get plenty of pictures to show everybody…”
A tiny, chittering scream filled the entire house.
The Janet Jackson ‘Super Bowl’ outfit finally broke him.
31 January 2005