THE ALMOND NINJAS!
A ‘Daria’ fan fiction by Brother Grimace
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In the end, it was Stacy Rowe’s nose that saved
her.
She opened her eyes as a warn, sweet scent, nutty
and familiar, lofted gently past her nostrils, and a barely felt touch of
moving air touched the tip-
Stacy shifted her head suddenly – and feathers
exploded across the bed as a blade slashed cleanly through the pillow her head
lay upon milliseconds before!
In an instant, she could perceive four, five – no,
six small, sleek and lethal images flashing through her room, and the scent of
nuts threatened to smother her!
“Almond ninjas!” Stacy thought, remembering the
teachings of her mentor as she flipped from the bed and hit the floor in a crouch,
staying surprisingly low as she all decimated two of the intruders with a pair
of Kenyan gazelle snap-kicks that broke their necks almost at once! “But how
did they know-!”
“Kill her!” a tiny, chittering voice spoke in an
accent that badly combined Jackie Chan with Chip and Dale. “Death to the Cage
Master’s apprentice!”
“I don’t think so!”
A small, fluffy form squealed death and carnage as
it catapulted through the darkness that disguised the rampant cutesy of the
bedroom, and Stacy grunted as a tiny wakashi blade neatly sliced the tips off
her left eyelash! “GHYAAAAAAH!” she
screamed, catching the furry assassin in his plump midsection with a spear-hand
strike that all but folded him over her hand like a glove, and the squirrel
screamed as she grasped his wrist and twisted it, snapping the bones with a
popping that rang off the walls of the room!
The squirrel dropped like a stone; it twitched in
agony on the floor as Stacy leaped across her bed; a rain of sharpened
sunflower seeds seemed to follow her path, quivering where they struck in the
wall, the bedding and across her specially-purchased hypoallergenic pillows!
“Strike the doe-legged demoness of destruction down, my brothers!” a tiny voice
screeched from the darkness, and three adorably-cute squirrels leaped into the
air as one, their identical blades poised to strike pigtails and head away from
Stacy’s shoulders-
BLAM!
BLAM! BLAM!
“Ew, that is just so – GROSS!” Stacy shrieked,
wiping the remains of a hind leg from behind her left ear. “Entrails – and
they’re all over my new comforter – it’ll never come out – EW! Couldn’t you
just have let me take care of them?”
“Oh, stop complaining,” Quinn Morgendorffer
yawned, loading fresh shells into her Benelli automatic shotgun as she stepped
out of the closet. “You knew they’d be coming for you, soon enough. My Dad told
you that you have to be careful - if any squirrel learns about you working with
him, they’d try to get you…”
“But he seemed so innocent looking – and he did
little tricks when I gave him nuts…”
“Yeah – well, these guys didn’t show up because
you’re behind on your payments to ‘It’s a Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World,” the
redhead growled, looking at the single rodent left alive in the room, barely
able to breathe and each tiny gasp laced with pain. “Hey, you really ruined
this rodent’s day…!”
“I’m… not… a… rodent…!”
“Oh, he can still talk, the cutesy-wutesy little
squirrel can still talk!” Quinn gushed – and then, her eyes went iron-hard as
she put her finger down on the injured animal’s hobbled forearm, making his
tiny eyes widen with pain. “And he will.”
“You… will… never… make… me… talk!”
“Oh, so you think that you’ve got yourself a big
set of Brazil nuts, hmn?” Quinn said, jerking the squirrel up and making him
squeal as she plopped him down on top of the bed. “I think you’re right, Stacy
– you’ll NEED a new comforter after we’re done here! Start talking, nut-boy –
or else!”
“I am an Almond Ninja,” the squirrel whimpered,
shuddering as he noticed the squirrel ear and quivering clump of tail that had
stuck to the ceiling above the bed. “We live for the Bright-eyed and
Bushy-tailed One – we die for the Bright-eyed and Bushy-tailed One...!”
“Oh, we’ll see about that,” Sandi Griffin said, a
digital camera in her hands as Stacy held the door open for you. “Tiffany,
would you please bring that in now…?”
“I… couldn’t… find… the… bolero… jacket,” Tiffany
Blum-Deckler drawled, wheeling a small cart into the room. “It… had… sequins… and…
spangles…”
The squirrel began to shake as the four girls towered over him. “I think that we’re going to get everything we want out of this little miscreant,” Sandi purred, the sound making the squirrel want to curl up into a tiny ball. “That is, if he doesn’t want to get the last, best and final makeover of his entire life. All the same – let’s start with the little gold ‘Princess Leia’ bikini from that movie with all of the other furry creatures that liked to jump out at people. We’ll get plenty of pictures to show everybody…”
A tiny, chittering scream filled the entire house.
The Janet Jackson ‘Super Bowl’ outfit finally
broke him.
END.
31 January 2005