‘UNCA TRENT’S ADVICE’

A fanfic by Brother Grimace

(Author’s note: This fanfic comes from an ‘Iron Chef’ challenge on PPMB that asked for a fic in which either Daria or Jane’s children were in trouble because of something that one of the two girls did that actually happened in the series. I took the Season Five episode “Art Burn’, and the event is that Jane didn’t get on Trent strongly enough to make the work crew do a good job fixing the gazebo behind Casa Lane.)

Great, just absolutely boffo-effing G-R-E-A-T. The Gold Dust Twins are going to have a field day at school tomorrow, laughing it up at this one...

Ethan Mackenzie winced as yet ANOTHER spotlight was set up on the lawn behind the hated edifice he'd known for his entire life as 'Casa Lane' - his mother's childhood home - and splashed more sunlight over himself and Stacy O'Neill. They were, fortunately, now covered over with a couple of tarps and a coat donated by a fireman who was trying so hard not to laugh that he actually urinated on himself.

Serves you right, jerk, he thought, and he shifted slightly, only to hear a sudden gasp of pain from Little Stacy, pinned underneath him in the missionary position by the metal rod that dropped from the top of the gazebo as he and Little Stacy were, uh...

If it had happened to anybody else, he'd be laughing his own head off, he morosely admitted to himself, but as it was his own shiny, cinnamon-hued and quite exposed bottom hanging out from beneath the remains of the collapsed gazebo, the inherent humor was nowhere to be found.

He'd always grown up hearing stories about 'Unca Trent' - the jerkwad, lazy, empty-headed uncle who he'd been named after - and how he'd always been such a world-class screw-up that he couldn't pee straight out of his own wang or manage an open 'D' tuning when he had that band. (Actually, his dad had given him that name as an attempt to bring his mom and uncle back together. Didn't work.)

No, no, no - Unca Trent's a little different, but he's cool as hell, and he'll come through when the chips are down - I know he will!

Mom and Dad always gave him that look when he said things like that, as though he were just too damn young to understand. Mom would just start polishing idly at her FBI badge and fingering her SigSauer .40 while Dad would take him into the kitchen & break out a quart of 'Bro & QB' ice cream. He always hated it when Dad would hold up a quart of the flavor he'd named 'Perfect Lawndale' - vanilla - and Mom would laugh hysterically, calming down enough from wishing death threats on her brother to get in on the discussion on why Trent Lane was no longer worth the ink it took to write his name down on paper...

Okay, Mom, I understand that Unca Trent gave that tabloid an interview about that friend of yours from high school after she started writing novels so he could get some cash, and she had that horrible accident when she left from yelling at him, but Mom - that was over twenty years ago! I know from when you talk about her - when you can talk about her - that she was special and all that, but it's time to let this Daria person go, okay?

Ethan would never say anything like that aloud, though. The last time he talked about how much he liked Unca Trent, Mom hadn't spoken to him for two months.

Ethan winced with pain as someone lifted another section of the roof away. Oh, the kids at LHS are going to have a field day with this one, he thought sourly. Sandra and Quinn Sloane, the reigning teen queens of Lawndale, would have no end - let me rephrase that, he grimaced - would get miles of mirth from this. Those two redheaded evil clones will never let this go.

I might as well just accept the fact that Blazin' Ol' Battle-ax Barth's going to fail me in science as soon as she hears about this... and poor Stacy - the battleax's hated her from day one. I wonder if you can get lower than an 'F'...

Thanks again for the advice: Unca Trent. 'I remember when I had the guys rebuild it, a few years before you were born... If you're going to have a special moment with Little Stacy, take her out back. It's a beautiful night.'

A peal of laughter caused him to wince, and he felt Little Stacy stiffen beneath him as he looked up and saw identical scarlet manes drifting forward through the milling crowd...

That's life in Lawndale, he sighed. Even when the sky is falling, it still doesn't do the damn job right.

Oh, and thank you, again - Uncle Trent. The next time I see you, we're going to have a talk...

14 October 2003