‘UNCA TRENT’S
ADVICE’
A fanfic by Brother Grimace
(Author’s note:
This fanfic comes from an ‘Iron Chef’ challenge on PPMB that asked for a fic in
which either Daria or Jane’s children were in trouble because of something that
one of the two girls did that actually happened in the series. I took the
Season Five episode “Art Burn’, and the event is that Jane didn’t get on Trent
strongly enough to make the work crew do a good job fixing the gazebo behind
Casa Lane.)
Great, just
absolutely boffo-effing G-R-E-A-T. The Gold Dust Twins are going to have a
field day at school tomorrow, laughing it up at this one...
Ethan Mackenzie
winced as yet ANOTHER spotlight was set up on the lawn behind the hated edifice
he'd known for his entire life as 'Casa Lane' - his mother's childhood home -
and splashed more sunlight over himself and Stacy O'Neill. They were,
fortunately, now covered over with a couple of tarps and a coat donated by a
fireman who was trying so hard not to laugh that he actually urinated on himself.
Serves you
right, jerk, he thought,
and he shifted slightly, only to hear a sudden gasp of pain from Little Stacy,
pinned underneath him in the missionary position by the metal rod that dropped
from the top of the gazebo as he and Little Stacy were, uh...
If it had happened
to anybody else, he'd be laughing his own head off, he morosely admitted to
himself, but as it was his own shiny, cinnamon-hued and quite exposed bottom
hanging out from beneath the remains of the collapsed gazebo, the inherent humor
was nowhere to be found.
He'd always grown
up hearing stories about 'Unca Trent' - the jerkwad, lazy, empty-headed uncle
who he'd been named after - and how he'd always been such a world-class
screw-up that he couldn't pee straight out of his own wang or manage an open
'D' tuning when he had that band.
(Actually, his dad had given him that name as an attempt to bring his
mom and uncle back together. Didn't work.)
No, no, no -
Unca Trent's a little different, but he's cool as hell, and he'll come through
when the chips are down - I know he will!
Mom and Dad always
gave him that look when he said things like that, as though he were just
too damn young to understand. Mom would just start polishing
idly at her FBI badge and fingering her SigSauer .40 while Dad would take him
into the kitchen & break out a quart of 'Bro & QB' ice cream. He always
hated it when Dad would hold up a quart of the flavor he'd named 'Perfect
Lawndale' - vanilla - and Mom would laugh hysterically, calming down enough from
wishing death threats on her brother to get in on the discussion on why Trent
Lane was no longer worth the ink it took to write his name down on paper...
Okay, Mom, I
understand that Unca Trent gave that tabloid an interview about that friend of
yours from high school after she started writing novels so he could get some
cash, and she had that horrible accident when she left from yelling at him, but
Mom - that was over twenty years ago! I know from when you talk about her -
when you can talk about her - that she was special and all that, but
it's time to let this Daria person go, okay?
Ethan would never
say anything like that aloud, though. The last time he talked about how much he
liked Unca Trent, Mom hadn't spoken to him for two months.
Ethan winced with
pain as someone lifted another section of the roof away. Oh, the kids at LHS
are going to have a field day with this one, he thought sourly. Sandra and
Quinn Sloane, the reigning teen queens of Lawndale, would have no end - let me
rephrase that, he grimaced - would get miles of mirth from this. Those two
redheaded evil clones will never let this go.
I might as well
just accept the fact that Blazin' Ol' Battle-ax Barth's going to fail me in
science as soon as she hears about this... and poor Stacy - the battleax's
hated her from day one. I wonder if you can get lower than an 'F'...
Thanks again for
the advice: Unca Trent. 'I remember when I had the guys rebuild it, a few years
before you were born... If you're going to have a special moment with Little
Stacy, take her out back. It's a beautiful night.'
A peal of laughter
caused him to wince, and he felt Little Stacy stiffen beneath him as he looked
up and saw identical scarlet manes drifting forward through the milling
crowd...
That's life in
Lawndale, he sighed. Even
when the sky is falling, it still doesn't do the damn job right.
Oh, and thank
you, again - Uncle Trent. The next time I see you, we're going to have a
talk...
14 October 2003