Scenes No Daria Fanfic Should Ever Have: The Reese Kaine Files by Chris Smith (C)2004-2006 The "Scenes No Daria Fanfic Should Ever" Have threads have been a constant on the Paperpusher Message Board for the past three years, slowly raising the bar on how low one can go. Some jokes required references from offbeat movies, some just required reading, and yes, there were some that others demanded to be written into stories. When I started writing scenes, I wasn't sure where I was going to go with the whole concept. I thought I'd write a few here and there, mostly just rehash material from my unfinished "The Crazy Funny Daria Show" fic which was kind of an SNL/Daria hybrid, complete with an opening to warm up the crowd. I never got to finish fics. After The Kain/Daria saga was somewhat finished back in 1998 (I started work on a real ending, but, well, read on), I fell into a slump. I couldn't get ideas on character dialogue, actions, course of plot. I had a writer's block that lasted for around seven years. This thread on a Daria message board revitalized me in ways I never thought possible. Ideas were flowing into my head, and a rather sadistic nature manifested itself within my persona. I didn't care, I was just happy I could do it again. Sometime in Q1-2007, I plan to go even further than I have ever gone before in terms of what can be truly sick, deranged, and outright trashy. And I have only you, the fans and fellow writers, to thank for it. To be more specific, though, I want to thank the following people: Angelboy Brandon League Brother Grimace Chad Page Deref Devrish DigiSim Eric Noss Greybird GreyStar HentaiJess Isa Yo-Jo Kara Wild Kemical Reaction Kristin Bealer Michael Dial Michael Pfeffer Michael Show Michelle Klein-Hass NapalmKracken NightSkyWarlock Roentgen Scissors MacGillicutty Shane Samsa TAG Tom Thorne Wacokid And most of all: Zavada McElwain (Love ya, baby.) (ed. note, while compiling the scenes, I added the titles.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 001. Upchuck's Packin' Heat ========================================================================== ================================01.======================================= ========================================================================== Demartino: ".......Which brings us, class, to the assassination of Abraham Lincolin, our sixteenth president. His death by a snipers bullet precipitated a new amendment to the constitution which states that any threat made towards the president even in jest, and a I stress even in jest, it will be considered a federal offense. You will be tried, prosecuted, and thrown in jail." Kevin: Wait a second, what you're saying is ... even if a I hypothetically said something along the lines of "Oooh, I dunno, I'm going to shoot the president tomorrow", that immediately....." *Secret servicemen immediately swoop in on him, eventually dragging him away in cuffs* Demartino: "You see? I can't stress this enough, people. Not even in jest, should you say something like, "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if I killed the president"...." *Secret servicemen immediately swoop in on him, dragging him away in cuffs* Upchuck: "If he's not back in fifteen minutes... (Cut to: Backstage, Upchuck is watching himself on TV) Upchuck (TV): "I think we can go home.....Yeah?" Upchuck: "That is VERY funny. Hi there, I'm an on-air personality. You know, after a tough day shooting my hit TV series, *Looks upwards* "Daria", *Looks back at the camera again* there's nothing I enjoy more than having some unprotected sex. Not only do those orgasms feel terrific, but afterwards, I fall right to sleep. It's even better than taking pills. ...... Heh, heh, just kidding. ...... And when it's unprotected sex, hey man, that's when things REALLY start to swing. Not only do I risk impregnating my underage partners, but think of all of those spooky diseases. *snobbish fear* Ouch! And here's something you may not have thought of, sex if a terrific way to make some extra money. Every now and again, when I'm strapped for cash, I like to slip on a skirt, slap on some lipstick, tie my dick between my legs, and head down to the docks for a little hustling. The money's right and it's a hell of a rush. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Hey on- air personality, isn't hustling *Makes quote marks with fingers* "dangerous"?" You bet it is, and that's why I charge A LOT. It keeps the riff-raff away, if you know what I'm talking about. *Pulls out a revolver* And I also carry this. It's an exact replica of the gun John Hinkley Jr. used when he said "Hey, I think I'm gonna kill the president." *Secret Servicemen immediately swoop in on him, dragging him off-screen* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 002. The $25,000 Triangle With Three Sides ========================================================================== ================================02.======================================= ========================================================================== 30sec.... Jane: "Tomb Raider, Double Dragon, Street Fighter, Pokemon...." Daria: "Games that should never be movies." (DING!) 25sec.... Jane: "Anthrax, Faith No More, Mr. Bungle, Pantera......." Daria: "Bands this old webmaster loves." (DING!) 20sec.... Jane: "Undergrads, Game Over, Sin City..." Daria: "Animated shows that flopped." (DING!) 15sec.... Jane: "Hulk Hogan, Sable, Triple H, The Rock....." Daria: "Wrestlers that think they can act." (DING!) 10sec.... Jane: "Child Molesters, Gangsters, Ex-Boyfriends....." Daria: "People you can anal-rape in a Korean videogame." (DING!) 05sec.... Jane: "Upchuck the hunk, Kevin the brain, Barch the Nympho, Daria the teeny-bopper....." Daria: "Uhh..." 02sec.... Jane *Panicking*: "YouMeJakeChuckTedORGY!! Daria *Beat*: "ScenesInABadFanfi"(BUUUUUZZZZZZ!!!) Dick Clark: Judges? *Inaudible muffles* Dick Clark: "A winner is you!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 003. Pickup Lines Without Pants ========================================================================== ================================03.======================================= ========================================================================== Ted: *Walks up to Sandi* Excuse me..... Sandi: *Looks behind her, seeing Ted* Drop dead! *Storms out* Upchuck: Hey Ted, if you want to meet women, you should probably start wearing pants. *Camera pans back to reveal Ted, wearing only underwear, socks and shoes* Ted: *Smiles* Pants, eh? Thanks, I think I will!........ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 004. A multi linguist's nightmare ========================================================================== ================================04.======================================= ========================================================================== Originally, this scene was written out in different languages, the following is the same scene, with all of the text converted to English. Daria (Russian): "" O'Neill (Italian): "" Quinn (French): "EWWWW!!! " Sandi (Spanish): "" Daria (Russian): "" Quinn (French): "" Jane (German): "" Jane: "What? 'Just getting into character." Upchuck (Chinese): "" (Puts a hand on Brittany's shoulder) Upchuck (Chinese): "" Brittany (Japanese): " ...... Kevin? Kevin: "Ummmm, uhhhhh, hehe, ummmmm, mugu-fugu gobo titticaca?" Brittany: "You're SUPPOSED to be Vietnamese, you idiot!" Ms. Li (Korean): "" Daria (Russian): "" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 005. D@r1@ M0rg@n: 133t h@x0r ========================================================================== ================================05.======================================= ========================================================================== It was an ordinary day in Lawndale, but the beauty and tranquility was only skin-deep. For deep under the city, a foul plot was afoot. In a dark underground lab deep underneath a residential neighborhood, two people were preparing an assault on the community, but not with guns, but their minds............ Daria: *Rubbing her pinky with her thumb* I never thought it would come to this. Jane: Daria, you know what you were getting into when you agreed to this. Daria: Yeah, but THIS? *Points to her head* Jane: I had to call in some serious favors for the gizmos and know-hows. Just be glad we didn't have to scrimp and save fifty billion dollars. Daria: *Still rubbing her pinky with her thumb* You mean robs banks and shit...... Jane: Eh, whatever. Somewhere along those lines. So, did you bring it? Daria: *Pulls out a shopping bag, and takes out a somewhat moderate-length cable* Yeah, do you have ANY idea how hard it is to find crossover cable in this town? Jane: *Takes the cable and hooks it up into a port in the wall* Yeah, I know what you mean. So, how's the interface feel? Daria: *Still rubbing her pinky with her thumb* It's like a dream, being able to remember every word and every image I've seen for the past 18 years, and to be able to call it up anytime........ Jane: Any discomfort from it? Any sign of cramping? Daria: *Still rubbing her pinky with her thumb* I AM kinda worried about Carpel-Tunnel, it kinda feels weird using my thumb and pinky to move a mouse in my head. I'll probably look silly doing this in public. Jane: Bear with it, it's most convenient configuration for the trackball. Daria: But why did you install Windows? I mean, what if it crashes, do I go brain dead or something? Jane: Nah, but you WILL temporary lose the usage of the eye. And besides, the program was only written in Win32, and at least this way, we'll know it works. Okay, you set? Daria: Yeah, let's do it. *Daria lifts her hair up and Jane plugs the other end of the Ethernet cable (With a special adapter) into a jack in the base of her neck* Jane: So, you're connected? Daria: Not yet.......okie, now I'm in........ Jane: Alright, do your stuff. *Daria connects to www.thepaperpusher.com, and executes the virus program........* Daria: If we can't stop the bad fanfic thread, we'll just have to punish Rich....... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 006. Would You Like Some Chips With That? ========================================================================== ================================06.======================================= ========================================================================== Trent wasn't sure how to respond when Daria pulled out a knife and screamed, "I'm pregnant, you're the father and I'm going to kill all three of us!" Trent eventually responded "Calm down, have some dip" (Little did Daria know that it was the dip that dissolves cartoon characters) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 007. She's No Marcia Clark, But I'll Do Her Anyway ========================================================================== ================================07.======================================= ========================================================================== Helen: Can you explain to the court why the police would think you murdered Ms. Taylor and and Mr. Robertson? Kevin: "I don't know, just because I used to date Brittany, doesn't mean I'd want to KILL her!" Helen: "Could you explain why you were attempting to paint yourself with brown paint?" Kevin: ".... I don't know what you're talking about." Helen: "Mr. Thompson, could you try on this glove?" Helen (Thinking): "Easiest conviction I ever done........." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 008. Yep, That Metal's Rather Heavy ========================================================================== ================================08.======================================= ========================================================================== Daria and Quinn were taking the bus back from Dr. Shar's office, Quinn feeling somewhat dejected from sticker-shock over the price of her plastic surgery ... is eying the container that Daria received from Shar, and remembers the Doctor's words: "Although I shouldn't be doing this, I feel this need to send you out looking drop-dead gorgeous. I don't do this often, but I'm issuing you an instant makeover kit. I want to help you change your attitude, change your life...." Daria prepared to open the container, but Quinn, desperate to be attractive and popular (Even at her sister's expense), takes the container, opens it, and is shocked to find a glowing green orb snuggled in a foam inset. Quinn picks up the orb, looks at it, and suddenly she melts into a disgusting puddle of goo. Daria jumps out of her seat, and the orb floats in front of her..... "DO NOT TRY TO ESCAPE, YOU ARE UNDER MY CONTROL........." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 009. Actually, it's Slightly Bent ========================================================================== ================================09.======================================= ========================================================================== "Trust me," Tom said smugly. "I've got an angle" "WHAT ANGLE?!" Helen accused. "Him." Tom said as he pointed to Kevin. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 010. FLOWER POWER, BITCH!! ========================================================================== ================================10.======================================= ========================================================================== Daria crept around the corner, hoping that it would be gone. She knew that if she did nothing, then all would be lost, but she just couldn't face it. It was too gruesome, too deadly, too hideous. Daria still had to do it, though. Somehow, she knew that this day was coming, but Daria knew that we all must face the music at some point or another. Daria then spotted a flower that she was all too familiar with. She plucked it from the ground and suddenly her hair turned blond, her outfit turned orange, and her hands were suddenly on fire. Daria knew now that she stood a chance. In a snapping burst of momentum, she blazes a path of destruction through the flying turtles and walking mushrooms with teeth, and the evil King Koopa. Unfortunately, her only reward was a little midget saying the prince was in another castle. Daria let loose a stream of obscenities and popped in "Bionic Commando" instead. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 011. I Wanted that Fucking Watch in the Front, Dammit! ========================================================================== ================================11.======================================= ========================================================================== Daria knew she was never going to be free, she just knew. She was stuffed, and buried a long time ago when she was stuffed in that chamber with everyone else. It was even worse than the time O'Neill suggested that everyone bond by jamming into a phone booth for three hours (It got worse than that when Kevin had to pee). Daria felt trapped, hopeless, and despair. But then, there was hope. Something grabbed her, and pulled her out of the human pileup that had her bound without rope or restraints, simply weight. Daria rose above the others, and was dropped down a chute to freedom, she greeted her savior with love. She also puked up a cotton ball here and there, but hey, she's been through hell. Daria's rescuer then took another look at her, and then dropped her to the ground. She then yelled, "Mommmm, can I have another?! This one's a brain!!" "Sure honey. Just remember to get rid of the one you've got." As Daria was bleeding cotton from her arms and neck, she heard.... "Oh boy! Rover will just LOVE his new chew-toy!" Daria then woke up with a scream. And holds her custom-made Daria plush doll, then throws it in the closet. Daria goes back to sleep, mumbling something about murdering Jane......... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 012. I Think I Was Depressed When I Wrote This ========================================================================== ================================12.======================================= ========================================================================== This'll show 'em, Daria thought as she stuck the barrel of the shotgun in her mouth. Now they'll all be sorry they didn't pay more attention to me. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 013. I Think I Was on Some Kind of Bender When I Wrote This ========================================================================== ================================13.======================================= ========================================================================== "Oh, Daria," Quinn said melodramatically from her hospital bed, "only now after I've been raped, outed as a lesbian, ODed on crystal meth and been in a near-fatal car crash - at the same time - do I realize that I've been wasting my life by not being more like you!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 014. Not as Funny as the Breastforce, But Close Enough ========================================================================== ================================14.======================================= ========================================================================== Daria was in the middle of a fierce battle with her enemies. Her comrades have fallen, and the squad leader of the enemy was advancing his forces on her position. Daria never wanted to be the first line of defense against an unstoppable enemy, she could just hear her so-called allies snickering and guffawing at her misery. She wasn't exactly the most popular of the team, and feared for months they would find a way to dump her without any reprimand from her leader. Daria's best friend was still at her side, in fact, she was raring to jump into action. Daria decided now was the time. The enemy was only twenty feet from her, now had to be the time. Daria gave Jane the order she had been waiting for. Jane transformed into a rod-like object, and Daria shoved her between Starscream's legs, and then started to shake violently. Starscream then suffered from a power overload, and fell over dead. Daria wakes up, and finds her vibrator next to her, and throws it in the closet next to the Daria plush toy, and falls back asleep, mumbling something about stringing Jane up........... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 015. Clash of the Tit-Tans.........I Got Nothing ========================================================================== ================================15.======================================= ========================================================================== (Scene, an old building dedicated to some Greek god. Quinn is alone with the three Js, and she's getting annoyed) Quinn: "Alright! But just this once, and then we'll never speak of it again." Joey: "Sure!" Jeffy: "Okie!" Jamie: "Oh boy!" Quinn: *Sighs and looks at the giant statue at the end of the room* At least Aphrodite here would approve. Jeffy: Did anyone ever tell you you're the most gorgeous in the world? (The statue's eyes turn green, no one notices) Joey: I think you're the hottest! (The statue's eyes turn yellow, no one notices) Jamie: I just think you're beautiful. (The statue's eyes turn blood red, still, no one notices) *Steamy yet PG-rated sex montage of Quinn in a foursome* Quinn: You're right, I'M SOOOOOO pretty! (The statue's eyes turn white, and suddenly, lightning can be heard outside.) Quinn: Dammit! I have to get home before it rains. Bye! Don't tell anyone! (Quinn runs out into the storm, Upchuck can be seen through a window with a digital camera. -- Scene: The Morgendorffer house, EXT. Evening turns to night, night turns to morning with traditional sunrise music.) Quinn: AAAAAUUUUGGGGGGHHHH!! My hair!! (Helen, Jake, and Daria can be heard screaming after, but only for a few seconds, then silence) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 016. (At least he didn't turn into a baby animal and propose a friendship, how gay would THAT be?) ========================================================================== ================================16.======================================= ========================================================================== (Scene: LHS, between classes. Kevin and Mack are getting stuff from their lockers) Kevin: "Are you psyched up for the big game tonight, Mack Daddy?" Mack: "Oh, THAT'S IT!!" (Mack slams his locker door into Kevin's face, knocking him back, and then charges into him with a football tackle, slamming him into a wall) (Mack crouches and lets loose with devastating uppercut, sending Kevin through the roof and back down again) (Jane then pops up and yells "TOAS-TEEEEE!!!") (Mack tosses an extension cord at Kevin, wrapping around his neck, yelling "GET OVER HERE!!!", and flattens Kevin with a roundhouse kick.) (Ms. Li's voice can then be heard over the PA speakers, yelling "FINISH HIM!!!") (The lights dim a tad, and an ominous chime........chimes. Mack grabs Kevin's head, rips it off with its spinal cord dangling, shoves it back down his neck head-first, grabs a beer, belches at Kevin hard enough to make him fall over, and finally urinates on his corpse.) "MACK DADDY WINS" "FLAWLESS VICTORY" "FATALITY" "HUMILIALITY" "PISSALITY" Mack: *Pointing at the camera* "Don't call me that, I'll kill you too!!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 017. "Eating Daria", Wasn't That the Lost Finale for the Show? ========================================================================== ================================17.======================================= ========================================================================== Daria, Jane, and Trent find themselves standing in front of a dozen clones of each of them. "What to do?" Daria thought out loud as she looked at .........herself. A minute passes (But seems like an eternity) before Jane suddenly comes up with an idea. "You know, I've always wanted to be a musician." Jane said to herself. "I wouldn't mind being a brain." Trent said to himself. "Actually, why not be an artist too?" Daria said to the Lanes. She continued "But why say when we can simply consume ourselves just to possess each other's powers?" The trio grinned from ear to ear as the gruesome cannibalistic orgy begun in the pursuit of becoming superbrains. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 018. I Think I Was Stoned When I Wrote This ========================================================================== ================================18.======================================= ========================================================================== (Daria and Jane are walking towards Brittany's house for a party) Jane: You know, just because people are cliquey and snotty is no reason not to like them....... Daria: Or hate them. Jane: Chin up, nose up, let's go. (They knock on the door, Brittany answers, she has a unique look on her face) Brittany: Hey Brainie, c'mon in......who the fuck is this? Daria: That's Jane, she's here to help with art. Brittany: Don't I have you for.......'eh fuck it. Come on in. (They do, and notice somewhere around fifty to seventy-five people all lounging around the house, smoking pot. Brittany gives Daria and Jane an Easter basket full of joints) Brittany: Here, toke up. (Scene: Brittany's bedroom, an hour later. Daria and Jane are stoned out of their minds along with a dozen others.) Daria: What if we were all part.....of some shitty cartoon on MTV? Jane: BAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHHA*Cough-cough-COUGH**Giggles* You're trippin', Dar! *Giggles* So who's playin' ya? Daria: I dunno, some blond? (Everyone in the room busts a gut, laughing. Suddenly, there's a loud noise downstairs) Voices: POLICE! MOVE, AND YOU'RE DEAD!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 019. After attempting in vain to slice a little kid's face off, you have to ask yourself: Are kids little demons bent on our gruesome annihilation? ========================================================================== ================================19.======================================= ========================================================================== And now for "Entertainment Cliches", here's Daria and Jane. Jane: Cliches, we're all familiar with most of the typical cliches that appear on our favorite (And not-so-favorite) TV shows and movies. Sometimes, they make us yawn, others make us retch. Daria: Today's cliche is all-too familiar. Children can't die........ever. Jane: Any child under the age of 15 seem to have this .... this ..... aura, whatever it is that keeps them from getting killed, or dying from injuries that have NO problem whatsoever in killing teenagers and adults. *Daria motions to Kevin, who now appears from off-screen* Daria: Observe as we make Kevin seriously-dead. *Daria takes out a .44 magnum and shoots Kevin in the head. Kevin drops like a rock, and blood oozes out from his hair* Jane: As you can see, Kevin, a young-adult became living-impaired. Daria: Dropped like a rock. Jane: Suffering from rigor-mortis. Daria: Bought the farm. Jane: AND still choking his chickens. Daria: But what happens when you do the same to a child? *Jane motions to Link, who appears from off-camera* Daria: This is for that shitty summer camp! *Daria shoots link in the head with the same gun several times, but the bullets ricochet off and hit several stagehands off-camera, screams can be heard* Jane: Wow! Is he wearing some kind of steel child mask? Daria: I dunno, let's find out. *Daria and Jane pull out 13' machetes and try to split Link's face open from the hairline and under the chin. The blades do not make even one dent. Several minutes pass* Daria: As you can see, Link cannot die because he is a child. Jane: *Holding her now-dulled blade* Dammit, I spent, like, thirty bucks on this fucking thing. Daria: If one needs further examples, we can always attempt the same on someone else. *Daria and Jane motion to Tad and Tricia, who appear from off-camera* Jane: Children seem to have this ability to cheat death when given severe injuries. But if one were to be tossed down a flight of stairs..... *Montage of Jane pushing Tricia down a flight of stairs, Tricia unconscious, Tricia in hospital bed in critical condition, flatline followed by Tricia waking up, cheerful as ever, and praising Allah* Daria: Uh, Tricia? Tricia: I'm not doing any lines that collide with what I believe in. Besides, it's not like I can die. PRAISE ALLAH! Jane: Oh no? *Revs up a chainsaw and chases after Tricia* DEMON BE GONE!! Daria: No matter how hard you try, you can't kill children. *Daria pulls a lever, dropping an 18- wheeler on top of Tad, the truck is split in half upon impact. Tad walks away unharmed.* Why can't children be used in war movies? Dear God, I wonder what THAT would be like......... --------------------------- SAVING PRIVATE RYAN *Montage of 10-year-old kids storming Normandy beach with M-16s, all narrowly-missing all enemy gunfire, 5-year-olds blasting the bunkers with bazookas, one toddler gets launched into the air by a landmine, and lands 50 feet away on his head. He giggles and continues to storm the beach.* --------------------------- Daria: *Daria looks at the camera, and gives off a nervous laugh* That's....that's all for now. Goodnight. *Credits roll* Jane: *Jane is still chasing Tricia with the chainsaw* C'mere you little fucker! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 020. Don't You Need a Permit for That? ========================================================================== ================================20.======================================= ========================================================================== It would never be easy. These kinds of things never are. When she accidentally stumbled upon the tech manual buried in the attic, she dismissed it at first. Thinking it was nothing more than a joke. But one night during a rather boring rainy day, she decided to try out some of the techniques described in the rather oddball book. She learned new tricks, she learned new ideas, new concepts, and thus decided to begin a project based on untested theories of modern design. She would do it. Oh yes. Quinn Morgendorffer would build her own starfighter and show up her sister once and for all. "Who's the brain, NOW, be-yotch?!" she would think to herself......... ----------------------------------------- (The original idea called for Daria to host her own cable access program called "Pimp My Starship", where she would interview locals that are tinkering and pimping out their superfly pimp-ships. And at the end of the show, Daria would devote a segment entirely to her own starfighter and what addons she would be putting on and where the viewers at home could order. But it would be a special episode where the radar warning would go off, and Daria would announce the changing of locale due to the approaching of U.S. special forces (After all, this IS alien technology, and the people of 2005 aren't exactly culturally-ready for this kind of thing). A running gag borrowed from In Living Color's "Mo' Money" skits. Unfortunately, I was tired, so I stuck with Quinn.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 021. There WAS a Rumor about Anti-Castro pigeons talking in bars the previous night. One of them could be heard going "Coup! Coup!" ========================================================================== ================================21.======================================= ========================================================================== Sending Quinn to distract the guards, Daria and Jane cut a human-sized hole into the the glass enclosure blocking the infamous window at the 2nd floor of the Dallas Book Depository. Jane looked through the window first, and couldn't hold her thoughts from leaving her head....... "THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY!!!!! ............. I CAN'T EVEN SEE THE ROOOOOAD!!!!" Jane suddenly races towards the exit, still screaming "Shit! They're lying to us!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!" Daria sighed as she walked by Quinn, gently tugging her along to follow Jane. Meanwhile, back at the Lane residence. Trent is still asleep. ----------------------- Next week on "Chick Trick Trio Mysteries"........... *Test pattern* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 022. Now, if an alien popped out of there, I'm sure MTV would have to .......oh wait, no, they can't sue me ========================================================================== ================================22.======================================= ========================================================================== It was another normal day in Lawndale, but in a dark basement twenty miles below the surface............. Daria (Not shown): Do you still have that neural Ethernet adapter from a few threads back? Jane: *pulling out an Ethernet cable with a weird jack on the end, and dusts it off a bit* You really want to go through with this? I mean.......after the accident from trying to crash Paperpusher's board...... Daria (Not shown): I'm well aware of the risk, now plug me in. *Jane plugs the cable into the back of Daria's skull* Jane: You're all set. BTW, the tech guy over in the Hampton's finally made a Linux port of the interface. Daria (Not shown): *Sigh of relief* I was worried about it crashing again. Jane: I can't imagine your brain flooded with useless Internet junk data. Daria (Not shown): Over a thousand different English porn terms......just to describe fellatio. While it's nice to know the info.......I'd rather remove my eyes with an ice-cream scooper. Jane: But with all of that knowledge of HTML.......that was one bitchin' cheese shrine page. Daria (Not shown): Behold the power of cheese. *Farts* Jane: Okie, you're logged in. What's the plan today? Daria (Not shown): Since there was a mention of Homer and uranium a few posts back, it seemed only natural to see if the universes were properly aligned, and if so, see if I can liquidate C. Montgomery Burns' financial assets. Jane: If it crashes, can your head get any bigger? Daria (Finally shown, and having a cranium the size of a watermelon): What do you mean? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 023. I'd have done 'er ========================================================================== ================================23.======================================= ========================================================================== Two kids are walking through the forest, toting rifles, and with evil intentions. "Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh" - Said one, while looking at the camera. "Like, shut up, or something. Uh-huh-huh. We're, uhhh, hunting m'sry chicks. Uh-huh-huh-huh." - Said one to no one in particular. "Yeah, M-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-hm-heh-heh-heh-heh........Hey Butt-Head, M-heh- heh! I see one!" - Retorted the other one. Suddenly, from out of the bushes, a rustling can be seen but barely heard. A short reddish brunette peers out of the brush and looks outward. "M'sry!" cried the figure in the bush. It appeared to be searching for her mate, or at least her companion. Luckily, her call was heard, and a friend appeared next to her in the brush. "Artsy?" was the response her dark-haired companion uttered. "M'sry! M'sry?" shouted the brunette, "Artsy!" and a shrug was the only response the dark-haired one could pose. Seeing enough. Butt-Head's friend took aim and shot the brunette, the m'sry chick fell over to the ground, and was bleeding to death. The dark-haired m'sry chick, however, took advantage of her incredible cheetah-like speed and ran away to the safety of the darker forest, screaming "ARTSYARTSYARTSYARTSYARTSY!!!!". "Whoa! M-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh! Got 'er! M-heh-heh-heh" said the yet-to-be-named kid. "Beavis, this may be the coolest thing you have ever done. Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh." said Butt- Head, finally revealing the name of the unnamed kid. Beavis asked Butt-Head what would do they do with their prize? Butt-Head replied "We shall mount her, and treasure this moment for the rest of our lives. Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh..........mount.........Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh- huh" Beavis, mistaking Butt-Head's intent, got down on all fours, atop the m'sry chick corpse and a zipper sound could be heard. Butt-Head was furious. "Uhh!!! Beavis, you dumbass, I meant mount her on the wall! Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh.....mount.........uh-huh-huh-huh-huh" Beavis paused, as he stared at this felled creature, dead by his own rifle. He looked upon her nearly-pale-white skin, and realized that if she were human, he'd be in love (Also a murderer, but that's not the point). He decided that she was human enough, as he undid his pants........... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 024. Daria doesn't seem quite right that morning........ ========================================================================== ================================24.======================================= ========================================================================== "It was a hot and sunny morning for Daria the human horseshit. After oozing out of bed, leaving a trail of horseshit, she enveloped her breakfast and drizzled her way to school. Daria the Human Horseshit has always been something of a social outcast amongst her peers. Even Jane the Living Cumstain has trouble sometimes accepting her as a friend........." Daria then took her attempt at fanfiction, and threw it in the trash, deciding to replace the offensive word with bullshit. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 025. The Dariacon that no one survived ========================================================================== ================================25.======================================= ========================================================================== It was an ordinary day on the metallic planet of Lawndale. Peaceful robot folk are going about their daily chores, activities, and leisures. One day, JaneBot was preparing a fuel-based beverage for herself and her companion TomBot (Who were preparing a gathering of friends to arrive later to share stories and laughs) when a rumble shook the drinks off the table, then some pieces fell off from the ceiling. JaneBot ran to the window and saw a giant green and black metallic planetoid coming towards their own. TomBot had to make the obvious statement.......... "JaneBot, look! It's ...... DARIACON!!!" Dariacon opened a giant set of fangs and grabbed hold of Lawndale, slowly but surely ripping apart, and eating the once-peaceful world. JaneBot and TomBot knew what they had to do, they transformed into starships and took off. Unfortunately, TomBot wasn't so lucky in his escape. The gravitational displacement caused by Dariacon's devouring of Lawndale caused him to be sucked into Dariacon's .......... mouth.......... along with the rest of the planet. And then, there was nothing left. Just a giant planetoid......searching for it's next meal........ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 026. I hope you're packing enough Cure potions, this could a be a long boss battle........ ========================================================================== ================================26.======================================= ========================================================================== The room was dark and musty, yet large and elegant. Ten figures graced the room with their presence, all have never met each other before. One was named Garland, and carried the essence of pure Chaos within him. Another was named Emperor, and commanded the very legions of Hell itself. Standing next to him was DarkCloud, the result of a sacrificial cult of dark warriors. Next to him was one named Zeromus, and was the manifestation of pure hatred. Another was named Neo X-Death, everyone looked at him funny after he introduced himself. X-Death just shrugged "What?" Next to him was named Kefka, within him were the souls of thousands of monsters imbued with potent magic. Another was named Sephiroth, and carried a full-blown 110-piece orchestra. Sephiroth gave the "Cut" sign with his hand to the band. Next to him was named Ultemacia, evil sorceress from the future. Another was named Necron, master of the Grand Cross. The final one was peering in the window from outside from being too big for the room. Its name was Sin. After all introductions were made, the host, a short woman in a dark-green jacket, black skirt and boots fired up a projector detailing why they were all summoned here. The image of a hideously-cute reddish-blond haired girl is shown. The host then speaks "This is your target. Terminate with extreme prejudice." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 027. I always wanted Daria for a pet ========================================================================== ================================27.======================================= ========================================================================== Daria walked through the halls of Lawndale High on the aftermath of a a day that changed the world. She sighed as she picked up her bookbag and proceeded to walk to her next class, everyone was staring at her with disgust and pity, well, actually some were pointing and laughing. "What?" She questioned as she went by, but she only got a sea of more pitied and disdained faces...........and more laughing. She's never been this shocked and confused in her life. Suddenly, the entire sea cleared a path for her to walk. Something was really, really wrong. She finally found Jane and learned the horrible truth............. Everyone had developed telepathic powers.......except her. Now everyone could read her mind, and make fun of her in the worst possible way, only now, they could add "retarded" to the list of semi-legitimate words to call her. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 028. The Beginning of the Story ========================================================================== ================================28.======================================= ========================================================================== It was rough getting through basic training. It was rough getting to their graduation. It was even rougher having to deal with serious cases. Today was no different, it seemed to be just another day in the lives of Daria M, Jane L, and Andrea H, the star operatives in the Capitol City PD's Bomb Squad division..........at least it was at first. Unfortunately, they were too late to save the 2nd National Bank from what appeared to be a domestic terrorist attack. Upon further investigation, they discovered the remains of the bomb in question: An intricate casing with traces of methane gas. Daria took a whiff, and turned her nose in horror. Andrea and Quinn were worried, Daria knew the answer, and it was terrifying to her, and they were afraid to ask. Before they could ask, Daria broke the silence........ "We're dealing with........a fart-bomber." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 029. When all else fails, fall back on cannibalism. It's fun, it's exciting, and it makes you hungry ========================================================================== ================================29.======================================= ========================================================================== This shall be the first in a series I will call: "After you left........" AFTER YOU LEFT Scene: Holiday High School. Daria, Jane, and Trent forgot to pick up his guitar after the show due to the afterparty, celebrating a great gig. What they saw was a scene of absolute horror: The walls were painted with blood, the lockers were strung with human skin, and the floors were littered with bones. In the center of it all were Christmas, Halloween, and Guy Fawkes Day huddled together, snacking away at God-only-knows-what. The trio looked at the other trio and could only ask..... "What?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 030. Pika-HEIL! ========================================================================== ================================30.======================================= ========================================================================== Daria, Jane, Brittany, and the Fashion Club found themselves surrounded by their worst nightmare: A horde of Nazi Pokemon. Sandi stepped forward to take charge and beat some ass. "Stupid ugly smelly critters don't belong in our town, am I right?" Sandi turned to see Stacy, Quinn, Quinn's Cousin, and her weird friend are gone. Daria: *Racing with the others to safety, hearing blood-curdling screams in the distance* Alright.........we'll reconvene in the morning to discuss hiring of new members. I call dibs on presidency. Quinn sobbed quietly. She just can't catch a break........ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 031. Now that the bitch is dead, maybe Peter will shut the fuck up ========================================================================== ================================31.======================================= ========================================================================== Daria and Jane are walking to a room, AK-47s in hand, dressed in black. They've been planning to do this for awhile, they sorta felt uncomfortable about the method going about it, but they knew they had to send the message somehow. It had to be done. Before proceeding, they donned black hoods, and entered a large room with four people bound and gagged to chairs. They started recording a video of the act that was about to be committed. They shot three of the prisoners execution-style, and held the last one while Daria took a large knife and cut off her head. The deed was done, and they posed for the camera. Bobbin, Jane, and Aaron Hill were dead, and the severed head of Luann were all that was seen when the tape ended, according to the reporter who covered the story for the Onion....... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 032. Damn, now I'm thirsty ========================================================================== ================================32.======================================= ========================================================================== Bud Light presents: "Real American Heroes" o/"Reeeeal Amer-ican He-roo-oes!"/o Today we celebrate YOU, Mr. Daria Fanfiction Writer. o/"Mr. Daria Fan-fiction Wri-TERRR!"/o While most people would shy away from writing scripts for MTV shows about teenage girls, you embrace it. Pairing with Trent, pairing with Tom, pairing with Upchuck, pairing with Jane, pairing with Johansen, you make Daria get around. o/"They say she's eas-eyy!"/o She's won the lottery, became President, made the cheerleading squad, saved the world, and still made time.....for pizza. *Backup singers* o/"Ex-tra pepper-roni!!"/o She's been raped, shot, mutilated, laughed at, and sent to detention. One would think someone posted "kick me" on her back. o/"Ow! Slap it on my back, please!"/o Granted, there's been some women writers, but they're not Mr. Daria Fanfiction Writer. Even the creator was a man. A man who wrote TV shows ....... about teenage girls. o/"Baaaare-ly leeee-gal!"/o So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Daria Fanfiction Writer, because we don't think you're creepy, we KNOW you're creepy. o/"Mr. Daria Fan-fiction Wriiiiii-TERRR!"/o Bud Light Beer Anheuser-Busch, Saint Louis, Missouri. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 033. Go-Go Su-per Cy-nics! ========================================================================== ================================33.======================================= ========================================================================== (Scene: in school hallway; Ms. Li, the principal, is giving the new students a tour of the school) Ms. Li: As you can see, our Lawndale High students take great pride in their school. That's why you'll each be taking a small psychological exam to spot any little clouds on the horizon as you sail the student seas of Lawndale High. Daria: S.O.S., girl overboard. (the girl standing next to Daria frowns and moves away from her) Quinn: Nobody told me about any test! Daria: Don't worry. It's a psychological test. You're automatically exempt. Quinn: Oh. All right. (Camera zooms in on Ms. Li, side-view. There's a slight flash of light) Ms. Li: Is someone taking pic (Zooms out to show the new students are all gone)...tures? (Cut to: A large control center of some sort, the six new students materialize and fall on each other) Voice from nowhere: greetings, I hope the landing has not damaged you. My name.......is Zordon.......... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 034. Don't look at me, this shit came from Japan ========================================================================== ================================34.======================================= ========================================================================== (Tom is playing an intense game of "Boong-Ga Boong-Ga") Tom: "If only real life were like this....." Daria/Jane: "Ahem!" (Tom looks back at the two) Tom: "What?" ======================== (Mack is playing an intense game of "Cho Eniki") Mack: "If only real life were like this....." Kevin: "Ahem!" (Mack looks back at Kevin) Mack: "What?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 035. There's a potential S.C. project here. I just know it ========================================================================== ================================35.======================================= ========================================================================== Kevin remembered that blond joke from several years ago about the blond with pigtails, and decided to spend some money to impress Brittany. Unfortunately, Brittany was not impressed with Kevin riding a motorcycle with the frame shaped exactly like her, with the pigtails acting as handlebars. She warmed up to it, eventually, and would then look forward every morning .......to riding herself........ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 036. The Sims had it all........except this ========================================================================== ================================36.======================================= ========================================================================== It was a sunny day in Capitol City, as Daria made her presentation to the G.E. executives based in the city. Jane sat in the corner for moral support. It was an idea that could revolutionize the way mankind can live, cities could be built around it, it could dominate the appliance industry, and it can come in a multitude of designer colors. The Ultrashower 5000 (Based from a Sims MOD that never saw the light of day) Room 10 - The simple brilliance of the contraption alone will astound the person. Comfort 10 - Antigravity generators allow the person to float, thereby eliminating the need to stand, and be comfortable during the entire duration. Hygiene 10 - Water and soap is sprayed from all angles (Close your eyes and mouth at all times!!!), thus maximizing the shower experience. A special gas is released into the air, containing "The Morgendorffer Cocktail" Hunger 10 - When inhaled, the necessary nutrients find their way into the bloodstream, eliminating hunger. Bladder 10 - When inhaled, the gas goes through the intestine and liver, disintegrating all waste fluids, eliminating the need to use the restroom. Energy 10 - When inhaled it will also produce the effects of the preprogrammed coffee of your choice. Fun 10 - The gas also contains a hybrid of marijuana and Prozac, and will render one totally "stoned off his/her ass" for the duration of the shower. The gas also alters the mind, allowing the person to instantly learn the following: *Cooking *Mechanical *Logic *Creativity - Coupled with the gas, one can easily conjure up hundreds of ideas a minute. *Charisma - Coupled with the gas, one's confidence is enhanced, eliminating the fear of rejection by others. *Body - A filter attached to the water-sprayers mixes a steroid-based solution into the water, enhancing the body's muscles and reflexes on contact. Daria presented the blueprints, but the top-executive in the room stood up and proclaimed it would not be necessary, as the board was rendered mentally-ill at the part about disintegrating wastes in the intestine. Feeling rejected, Daria and Jane decided to look for the other major appliance company that would be willing to take on the product of the future. "I will not be denied!", she thought to herself. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 037. And yet, most of us have to work for it ========================================================================== ================================37.======================================= ========================================================================== Confusion was about for several weeks, when Daria, Jane, her brother, and friends were constantly carrying black garbage bags out of the house and into a black van that for some reason was named "The Tank". Out of desperation, Quinn followed them and arrived at the Lawndale Federal Credit Union, apparently, the bags were no longer present, but large stacks of briefcases. She deduced that Daria was transporting large sums of cash from her bedroom to the CU. Immediately, Quinn suspected Daria to be involved with some sort of crime, but had no way of proving it. Quinn raced back home, hid in Daria's closet and awaited their return. Ten minutes passed, and no sounds were heard. Ten more minutes passed, and Quinn was about ready to give up and return to her own room, when she heard keyboard noises from Daria's computer. She cracked the door open and listened....... Jane: "Yeah, that's it. Just keep cuttin' & pasting commas and semis." Daria: "Good thing I have the computer password-protected. I'd hate to have to explain this to Mom. God only knows she'd demand I just destroy the money. *Shudders*" Jane: "Who'd ever thunk a sled would be our salvation?" Suddenly, $100 bills start to pour out of the diskette slot of the computer like carnival tickets. One could just hear the gears turning in Quinn's head......... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 038. Watch out for that Manticore ========================================================================== ================================38.======================================= ========================================================================== Somewhere in Vana'Diel, a battle is afoot......... DariaIICY: "We've been challenged by the ShirtNinja Linkshell, we must prepare for war." JaneIIFY: "Who?" DariaIICY: "Oh it's this clan who, oh shit here they come......" JaneIIFY: "Wait a second, why are they all Black Mages?" DariaIICY: "Oh god." ** Aeveron casts Warp on DariaIICY ** ** DariaIICY was disbanded from party ** DariaIICY: "I'm in the middle of nowhere, dammit!" MrMadsen: "B33n th3re, d0n3 th@t." DariaIICY: "STFU." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 039. The Middle of the Story ========================================================================== ================================39.======================================= ========================================================================== It seemed like a joyous day. Daria, Helen, and Jake attended Quinn's high school graduation at the Lawndale Civic Center, happy to see her finally get he shot at making it as Daria did. Luckily Daria managed to sneak a few hours off from her job (It's been hectic lately)........ Unfortunately, things turned sour when Angela Li was preparing to declare the arena full of students full graduates of LHS. Principal Li and four school officials were rocketed into the air by an explosion from under the stage. Several other devices were detonated from under the bleachers, launching spectators in all directions. Police reports would indicate later that 26 people were killed alongside the 73 that were injured in the blasts. During the chaos, four more people lost their lives from what can only be described as "A severe inhalation of smoke and methane gas of a specific type." Daria would later meet with her fellow bomb squad members to hear the bad news: The fart bomber had struck again, and this time, it was personal. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 040. He may be dead, but at least he died with a great big smile on his face ========================================================================== ================================40.======================================= ========================================================================== It was an ordinary day for the well-endowed Daria Morgendorffer, serial necrophiliac nymphomaniac mass-murderer. She engaged in her usual routine: Flash male victim, rub all over him, shoot him in head, then straddle corpse. Good times, good times....... Today was a wee bit different. She actually wined and dined him first. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 041. He's a leper? Eewwwww..... ========================================================================== ================================41.======================================= ========================================================================== It was an ordinary day for the well-endowed Daria Morgendorffer, necrophiliac nymphomaniac. She engaged in her usual routine: Flash male victim, rub all over him, shoot him in head, then straddle corpse. Good times, good times....... Today was a wee bit different. She insisted on reading him love poetry first. "I will shoot and kill you by the dock, and then I will swallow your....." GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 042. At least now they're forever pretty...........right? ========================================================================== ================================42.======================================= ========================================================================== Quinn was attending a special Fashion Club dinner party at Sandi's to discuss the usual: Makeup, hair, dress styles, and ways to maintain popularity. Sandi also called the meeting to engage in what was usually a family ritual that if done properly, can endow one with infinite beauty for the rest of her life. Tiffany was the first to jump on the bandwagon, Stacy cringed a little, but went along with it for the fear of being excommunicated. And Quinn, knowing of the ritual only as a rumor, insisted on performing it herself. No one knows what the ritual was called, or if the effect was proven, but rumor had it that the devouring of live babies was involved. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 043. I swear, those things are possessed ========================================================================== ================================43.======================================= ========================================================================== Stacy, rejected once more by a potential suitor, has contemplated suicide numerous times, but decided to consult an outside source. The Magic 8-Ball. "ALL SIGNS POINT TO YES" "I dunno, do you really think it's right to kill myself over a breakup?" said Stacy as she shook the 8-Ball. Seconds felt like minutes before she got her answer. "SHUT UP AND DIE." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 044. I didn't want to kill her again, but dammit, I hear about her all the time! Don't you understand? SHE HAD TO DIE!! ========================================================================== ================================44.======================================= ========================================================================== Daria and Jane are walking to a room, AK-47s in hand, dressed in black. They've been planning to do this for awhile, they sorta felt uncomfortable about the method going about it, but they knew they had to send the message somehow. It had to be done. Before proceeding, they donned black hoods, and entered a large room with five people bound and gagged to chairs. They started recording a video of the act that was about to be committed.......... But suddenly, a battering ram broke through a wall from outside, and in poured dozens of five- year-old SWAT cops with M-16s and Remington 1800s, Daria and Jane run for their lives, knowing that their AK-47s would be useless against children up to age 13.........they would know: They did the research to do the damn news segment in a previous thread. The kids were happy they made it in the room, since that's all they were told to do (They're toddlers, c'mon, you try to get a kid to untie industrial-strength rope). In fact, they were SOOO happy that they trampled on, and accidentally fired their guns into the hostages multiple times. They ran out of the room from the loud, shocking noises of their own buckshot, and all that was left of the carnage were the corpses of Bobbin, Jane, Atomic Betty, and Aaron Hill. The last one, Luann, was having trouble breathing and was suffering from the loss of blood. She crawled across some broken drywall, nails, broken glass, and other bodies. She was about to crawl out of the room when the battering ram plows all the way into the house, and through the room. Apparently, one of the toddlers decided that he liked driving the big iron thing, and forgot how to steer. Luann never had a chance. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 045. Cost of Daria DVD set: $34.95. Bitch, get a fucking job ========================================================================== ================================45.======================================= ========================================================================== Off-Camera Voice: Why so glum, Sherry? Sherry: I'll never be able to afford the Daria series DVDs. OCV: I've got an idea! Why don't you trade in some movies? Sherry: Awww, still not enough! OCV: Hmmmm..........Say! Why don't you sell me your little sister? She's like a beautiful porcelain doll! Sherry: Wait.... who ARE you? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 046. I swear my brother did this, once....... ========================================================================== ================================46.======================================= ========================================================================== (Scene: Daria's room, mid-afternoon. Quinn walks in to see Daria at her computer, and as always, curiosity ensues) Quinn: What'cha doin'? Daria: Stuff. Quinn: Oh please, it's not like I've never heard of illegal MP3s or movies or.......*Sees screen* .......Po.....Porn? Daria: It's not what you think. Quinn: *Races over to her own bedroom, peers out the window (Which has a nice view of the neighborhood).* PORN!! (Suddenly a stampede of horny teens and adults, male and female alike, race toward the Morgendorffer house..........) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 047. Woman of your dreams, folks ========================================================================== ================================47.======================================= ========================================================================== (Andrea standing on stage) Andrea: I'm here. But where are you? Sure, I see your body. Anybody home in that rotting bag of flesh? (walks off stage) (Daria and Jane seated at table, clapping politely, Daria is not shown) Jane: See? You don't want to do poetry for this crowd. Daria: You think it's too late for me to learn juggling? Jane: Yep. Say, where did you get....... Daria: "Borrowed it" from Trent. (Mr. O'Neill steps on stage) Mr. O'Neill: Thank you very much, Andrea. It takes a lot of courage to expose your raw emotions that way. (a spotlight on her table surprises Andrea, who is drinking from a bottle; she quickly moves it behind her) Mr. O'Neill: Now, speaking of raw emotions, it's my pleasure to introduce one of Lawndale High's most gifted writers: Daria Morgendorffer. (Daria walks up on stage dressed like the bastard offspring of Courtney Love and Rainbow Brite, holding Trent's Guitar............) (Ed note: Do I really need to do the song bullshit? You know me well enough to know that nothing good can come out of this, you DO know this, right? I'll give you a few seconds to run to the fucking hills..........) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . (Daria inserts a small tube into her mouth, and plugs it into a strategically-placed keg of what witnesses could only guess was beer. She plugs in the guitar and wails on the strings, while sipping mass quantities through the tube, she puts one leg up on the seat of the chair and spits out the tube.) Daria: This is for you, O'Neill (Gives him the finger)! (Daria lets loose a series of rhythmic belches while strumming, some stoners in the crowd {C'mon, it's a poetry reading. There's always three or four} find a beat to bob their heads to, fanfiction writers in the front row clawing towards Daria in an attempt to look up her skirt. Daria responds in kind by puking on some of them.) (Scene: Morgendorffer breakfast nook, the following morning. Jake is reading from a newspaper, only he is shown) Jake: "Cafe Lawndale closed until further notice." Isn't that the coffeehouse you were working for? (Pans back to see Daria still dressed in the oddball getup, she's pouring beer into her cereal, and just screams in Jake's face) Quinn: EWWWWWW, Dar-i-ahh! You're drinking beer?! (Daria gives her the finger and falls to the floor, puking sounds can be heard) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 048. Wouldn't it be funny if those came back? BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAA-HHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHH..............me neither ========================================================================== ================================48.======================================= ========================================================================== To: Kara Wild (karawild@********.com From: Glenn Eichler (dungfudaria@mtv.com) Hello!, I'm rather curious as to why the fandom isn't bothering with the Daria collection on discs. I mean, I pulled all my strings, called in some serious favors, and even sucked off the board of directors at Viacom, telling them this would sell like hotcakes. HOT-FUCKING-CAKES! Now, granted, we had to cut back on the budget to afford a documentary hosted by Garafolo, McCarthy, and Electra, put in commercial breaks, and not even put them on DVD (C'mon, MTV's pushing for the whole nostalgia kick, I joked around about putting them on laserdiscs, I didn't KNOW they'd DO IT!), but we went to all the trouble of remastering the entire Daria Television series. Isn't THAT enough?! I just don't understand the kids, these days....... Anyway, thank you for the poster of Daria blowing a polished golden statue of me in Amsterdam, you were right, SRA IS a terrific artist. If I only knew of him (Him, right?) and a few others like him, I could have saved MTV a boatload of cash from having to use Korean animators (Okie, Amy from accounting was curious about that ass-reaming arcade game, and HAD to ask 'em to send one overseas), and cause MTV Animation to go flat broke and have to shut down. Anyway, take care, and watch next Friday's "Colbert Report". Watch for the montage done to the song of "Born to Be Wild", that was for you. :-) Peace, Glenn ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 049. Her powers can't be THAT bad........ ========================================================================== ================================49.======================================= ========================================================================== We all make choices. Sometimes the choices are laid out for us, the rest we have to guess on our own, and we will sometimes never know the consequences of never knowing the other choices. What could have been? What will happen now? Where do we go from here? My name is Daria Morgan, and I had to make such a choice. Scene: Lawndale High School Chemistry Lab. Jane led her into the room to try out some concatenations she whipped up by mixing different combinations of sodas, sugars, other assorted chemicals, and heating them, Daria had to ask "Why are they glowing green?" Jane: Ummm....... (Suddenly, a door-sized field of pure energy (And it's blue!) pops out of nowhere, and a well- endowed figure pops out. It looks like Daria, but in a skintight blue costume, a dark purple cape, and green hair. The portal closes, and Daria is puzzled and confused.) Daria: You're......... Daria?: Yes. I'm you. I came back in time to tell you that if you drink the blue soda, you'll wind up like me. Not only can I fly, but I can channel electricity through my body and discharge up to 500,000 volts. Daria: Sounds good to me........ (As Daria reaches for the blue soda, another portal opens up and another well-endowed figure jumps out. This version of Daria has green tights, yellow boots, and a torn oversized American flag acting as a cape, with the same hair as Daria's.) Jane: Wait a second, how can there be TWO Daria's from the future? Daria?#2: What do you mean?.........Eh, forget it. I'm what you turn out to be if you drink the green soda. I can fly, punch through solid steel, and crush a man's skull with my thighs. Daria: I could definitely get rid of Upchuck in a hurry....... (Daria reaches for the green soda and another well-endowed version of Daria comes out of a portal. This one's dressed in pink tights, with jet black boots, hair, and a platinum cape. Her eyes are completely black.) Daria: One thing's for sure, I can definitely save money on breast implants. (Looks to Jane) What else did you put in this stuff? Jane: I'll level with you: All of the glasses were coated with some nuclear waste I found under the bleachers in the gym. (Several other well-endowed versions of Daria pops out of several portals, all wearing costumes) Daria: Alright already! I'll drink the damn soda! (Suddenly, a well-endowed version of Jane pops out of the portal wearing jet-black tights and silver boots.) Daria: Ummm, what happened? Jane?: You got tired of all of the spacial anomalies, and peed in all of the sodas, and I drank it after everyone left. I didn't know until later that you peed in it. (Suddenly, all of the Darias are called back to their portals after receiving a message from their watches, Jane moves toward hers but offers a message) Jane?: Whatever you do, don't pee in it. You don't want to know what my powers are, trust me. (Jumps back in the portal. The room is dead silent again.) Daria: Let's just mix this crap and both drink it. (Daria and Jane commence with dumping all the contents into a blender, mixing, and finally, drinking from the jar with long straws.) And that's how it all started. I never got to learn what allowed carbonated beverages to grant me these powers, or how I was able to meet my past self, or how I grew size 48DD knockers......... (A loud thunderous belch can be heard all across Lawndale, shattering windows, glass, and even Plexiglas) All I knew was that at that time, I really had to pee. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 050. Wasn't there a flash movie based on this? ========================================================================== ================================50.======================================= ========================================================================== Jane was painting away at what she would consider a tribute to M.C. Escher. Daria thinks she may have missed the mark, but was mesmerized by it anyway. Jane was inspired by the Daria Neon Wall Clock on eBay It was a painting of Daria, in the holding skull puncture, but holding the neon clock, which was of her holding the skull, but it was of her holding another neon clock, and so on, and so on, and so on........ Daria suddenly got dizzy and fainted. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 051. Once again, big smile on his face ========================================================================== ================================51.======================================= ========================================================================== Daria: One thing's for sure, I can definitely save money on breast implants. (Looks to Jane) What else did you put in this stuff? Jane: I'll level with you: All of the glasses were coated with some nuclear waste I found under the bleachers in the gym. (Several other well-endowed versions of Daria pops out of several portals, all wearing costumes) (Suddenly, Upchuck walks into the lab and is in seventh heaven) Daria: Okay Greenie, do your stuff. (Daria?#2 walks over to Upchuck and seduces him a little. It was all it took to convince him to lower his head for her to place Chuck's head between her thighs.............Only a scream could be heard, and then the cracking of bone and sinew). Jane: Hey, uh..... if you're not busy or anything, I've got a brother you might like to meet...... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 052. Kevin was short by three ========================================================================== ================================52.======================================= ========================================================================== The the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the the the the the the the the the the the. The the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the the the the the the the the the the the? "The the the the the the THE!" the the the the the the the the. The the the the the the the the the the the. The the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the the the the the the the the the the the. (Daria puts down the manuscript) Daria: I have to say, Kevin. I'm speechless. Kevin: Oh don't worry, when I'm a famous writer, I'll give you a few autographed copies. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 053. Whatever you do, keep Jack Thompson away from this ========================================================================== ================================53.======================================= ========================================================================== (at Middleton College) (the Morgendorffers, in casual clothes, are strolling along the campus) Jake: Gosh, the old place has hardly changed a bit. Hey, hey, my man. Toss me that disk, dude. Student: Get a life. Jake: Cool. Whatever. Maybe next time. (mutters) College punks. (a girl in her late teens or early twenties approaches) Heather: Hi, are you the Morgendorffers? I'm your tour guide, Heather. Welcome to Middleton. Jake: Hey, Heather. What's up? Heather: Uh... shall we get started? (they begin walking) These buildings date from when Middleton was a colonial religious college. Back then, the all-male student body attended chapel twice a day, and endured whippings as punishment for impure thoughts. Jake: What a bunch of stiffs they must have been, eh, girls? (Water balloon drops on Jake's head) Jake: Damn it! I'll kill you, college scum! Heather: But, Middleton's time-honored tradition of tomfoolery continues. Helen: Jake, honey, didn't that balloon just come out of your old dorm window? Jake: What? Hey, I think you're right. Come on, let's go take a look at the old cell. We got time before we go see the Bursar. Helen: Girls? Daria: I'm sure we'd only get in the way. (Balloons and other objects drop to the ground just as Jake and Helen walk away. Quinn is flattened by a decorated stone block, police sirens can be heard.) Daria: Ummmm, what's going on there? Heather: Oh, that. I guess I should fill you in: You're just in time to take part in Middleton's monthly protest riot. Another time-honored tradition. Daria: What's the cause? Heather: Various issues, world politics, racial discontent, last month everyone rioted over the opening of the Starbucks across the street. Sometimes, they just riot because they want to. (Shots are fired in the distance) Rubber bullets.......honest. (Minutes later, the campus is a war zone. Blood is everywhere, wrecked cars dot the entire campus, shattered glass, Daria somehow got ahold of a 12-gauge and puts her FPS-skillz to the test..........) Daria: (Cocks shotgun) I'm protesting against cops. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 054. Now, if only he did this BEFORE the breakup....... ========================================================================== ================================54.======================================= ========================================================================== (Scene: Jane's house, kitchen) "Hey, What's up? Talk to me." "I cloned your boyfriend.........HO HO HOOOO! Now you and your friend can BOTH have him! Merry Christmas!!" "Santa, you're one sick, crazy puppy. But thank you." (Daria and Jane both kiss Santa on the cheek) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 055. I'm sure she enjoyed it ========================================================================== ================================55.======================================= ========================================================================== Charles was determined to accomplish his goal this year. He had no luck at all in previous years, and it was getting to him. This year would be different. Charles would follow Kevin's advice the next time he saw Daria, by quickly pointing up at the ceiling and go "Hey look!Mistletoe!" and sneak a quick wet seasonal smooch. Daria would let him live............she would have, but she didn't. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 056. The End of the Story ========================================================================== ================================56.======================================= ========================================================================== It was finally over. The reign of terror had come to an end. Unfortunately, the price of victory was painfully expensive. "This is Jodie Landon reporting for LCTV Action News, we've just learned of what is the confirmed conclusion to this horrific story of blatant domestic terrorism. For weeks, police have been cooperating with the FBI on gathering whatever information that could be acquired regarding the mysterious "Fart Bomber". Bomb experts have been puzzled and stunned by the methods in which the highly-pressurized methane chambers used in these deadly attacks have been employed........" After the tragic death of her sister Quinn at the bombing of the Lawndale High School graduation ceremony, Lieutenant Daria Morgendorffer had stepped up in her efforts to figure out the meth bombs and how to disarm them before another could be used to kill innocents. In what seemed like a miracle, there was a break in the case. An anonymous tip had led police to a somewhat large trailer on the upper-west side of Lawndale. The events that followed could only be described as a tragic ending. Police had trouble entering the trailer due to there being no windows and a reinforced steel door. Once they got in, it was only a matter of withstanding the smell. The fart bomber was experimenting with his own gas and unfortunately, it melted away most of his face and body. The culprit was discovered to be undergoing a diet primarily of only red kidney beans and cabbage (The right kinds of foods to create a poisonous cloud if not dissipated into the air). Shocking enough, the trailer was booby trapped as an officer stepped on a foot trigger of some sort, causing a meth bomb above the front doorway on the inside to wake up, ticking away its seconds. Luckily, Daria M, Jane L, and Andrea H were present as they were all following Daria's lead in the pursuit of their lead suspect. Daria began to go to work on the bomb, but it started to tick even faster. Daria was frustrated, she thought she understood the bomb by now, but without a live bomb to experiment with, she was still somewhat clueless. She immediately ordered everyone to evacuate immediately, including what remained of the bomber, some officers had to be carried out due to falling unconscious from the stench. All civilians and personnel had to be moved two-hundred feet away for safety precautions, Daria was provided with a police cycle revved and ready to go (Just in case). Unfortunately, when Daria discovered there was a switch to turn off, it turned out that it was wired to a small device that did one thing: To pull the trigger on a barbecue lighter, causing the gas to ignite. Daria never had a chance, as the resulting explosion was seen by LCTV news helicopters and lit up the somewhat-evening sky. The trailer was in complete ruins. After close-examination of the body that was originally found in the trailer, it was discovered that the man found locked inside was not the fart bomber at all, and was left there to suffocate from the methane gas caused by the perpetrator, who had an escape hatch built under a set of rugs, under a hole cut into what was left of the carpet. The hole was a man-made tunnel that after extensive searching, led to an old network of sewer tunnels. Daria Morgendorffer was given a posthumous promotion to Captain after her death. Her body was unrecognizable due to the explosion, so her funeral was closed-casket. During the wake, Lieutenant Captain Jane Lane was briefed over her cellphone of the preliminary findings. And got really suspicious all of a sudden. She left her seat after hearing an odd ticking sound, and sure enough, found a smaller-version of the infamous meth bomb. Not really enough to cause any real damage, but after turning off the obvious switch on the back, another started to tick. Jane would turn off five more daisy-chained mini meth bombs around the room until she heard a faint, yet deeper ticking noise around the casket. Jane whipped out her badge and ordered the pastor to open the casket. There was no body, only a giant meth bomb. Jane realized too late that she made a rookie mistake as the bomb was wired into the casket lid. There were no survivors in the funeral home explosion which covered several surrounding residential homes and businesses. Meanwhile, on a cliff overlooking the city, a blond woman (Freshly dyed) takes off her round glasses and tosses it as she gets in her car and leaves town. She would have no ties to her name, or her past life. She would begin anew. Her days as the fart bomber were over. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 057. Played by Bill Murray...... ========================================================================== ================================57.======================================= ========================================================================== For two hours, Lawndale Police were trying to subdue gunman Charles Ruttheimer, 20, who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing twelve tear gas canisters inside the windows, officers discovered ten minutes later that "Upchuck" was standing beside them the whole time shouting "C'mon! Please come out and give yourself up!" Charles offered no resistance during his arrest. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 058. Played by Steve-O....... ========================================================================== ================================58.======================================= ========================================================================== When Kevin Thompson realized his girlfriend would be leaving him, he decided he had nothing left to live for, and attempted suicide. He was unsuccessful and brought to the ER. Thompson swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises on his head and chest, Kevin said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to blow himself up. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 059. Played by Franklin Sherman...... ========================================================================== ================================59.======================================= ========================================================================== O'Neill, Barch, Jake, Helen, Tom, Daria, and Andrew & Michelle are having dinner at an expensive restaurant together as a party of some sort. Jokes are cracked, stories are swapped, and then HE had to say it. O'Neill *Somewhat drunk*: Did I ever tell you about the time I got in a bar fight and bled all over the place? Barch: Oh stop, you were never in a bar, let alone any fights. O'Neill *Still kinda drunk*: Oh no? Then where *Plucks out his left eye* did I get this GLASS EYE?! Barch: But you don't wear a glass eye! O'Neill: I will from now on. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 060. Part of a nutritious breakfast ========================================================================== ================================60.======================================= ========================================================================== Jane walked into the kitchen to see Trent staring hard at the toaster. She wonders if she should ask why is her brother staring as a near-primitive invention. Trent seemed lost in thought as he stared hard into the metallic necessity of culinary invention. Jane could bear no longer...... "What's up?" "Oh, nothing. Watching the toaster." "I noticed that. Any.....reason why?" "Not really. ........... I just .... like toast." . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . *KA-CHUK!* "Ah, it's done." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 061. Even the cute bunnies?! ========================================================================== ================================61.======================================= ========================================================================== Jane walked into the kitchen to see Trent staring hard at the toaster. She wonders if she should ask why is her brother staring as a near-primitive invention. Trent seemed lost in thought as he stared hard into the metallic necessity of culinary invention. Jane could bear no longer...... "What's up?" "Oh, nothing. Watching the toaster." "I noticed that. Any.....reason why?" "Not really. ........... I just .... like toast." . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Um, Trent? Why is there a nuclear power cell plugged into it?" "Umm......" *KA-CHUK!* "Ah, it's do--." *Wide-shot of the Earth from 5,000 miles up, as Lawndale, as well as several surrounding states are wiped from existence." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 062. That one was for Ben ========================================================================== ================================62.======================================= ========================================================================== Jane walked into Daria's bedroom to join her friend for some random craziness and hijinks. "Hola Amiga!" Jane greeted her only friend in the world: An A.I. powered by a custom Amiga 4000T, named "Daria". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 063. I'll be honest, here: I wrote this after a wild night at you-know-who's. ========================================================================== ================================63.======================================= ========================================================================== It was a long night at the Lane residence, too long, apparently, as Trent opened the door to Jane's room and woke her up, briefly. Jane: What? It's 4 in the morning. Trent: Nothing, nothing at all. Jane: As long as you're up, did you hear a noise somewhere in the house? Trent: No. Nothing. Jane: Oh. Goodie, my brain's playing "What's that noise?" with me again. Trent: Exactly, it had nothing to do with me molesting your cat. Goodnight. *Trent closes the door, only Jane's eyes can be seen, and she's now squinting in terror* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 064. I don't think any blood's coming out ========================================================================== ================================64.======================================= ========================================================================== Daria is in pain, while trying to squeeze a softball-sized rock while talking to Jane. "I.....Kiss..... ed......your......boyfri......." Jane then interrupts "Yeah, my boyfriend. I know. It's been six years, for fuck's sake. LET IT GO!" Camera pans to Tom, who is whacking a horse corpse with a pipe. "I dunno, I don't think these people can cope very well with one little thing." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 065. As long as she avoided those head-humpers from Level 4. Blech ========================================================================== ================================65.======================================= ========================================================================== Daria Morgendorffer knew her life was never going to be the same when she learned she was a descendant of an old family of vampire hunters. Not a lot of people believed in vampires then, nor does anyone now. But when her Aunt Amy handed her an ancient glowing weapon, it all changed her way of belief. However, she was still a little concerned as to how others would look at her. She's had to beat off fanboys with a stick for years, but now she's even more tempted to seriously wound them with her new Vampire Killer whip. She only prays that there's not one who's into S&M. Luckily, Daria didn't have to train to be a vampire hunter. The whip seemed to possess spiritual powers that endow the wielder with the knowledge of her ancestors, the Belmonts, from generation to generation. It was 1999, and supposedly a resurrection was about to take place. Every one-hundred years, Count Vlad Tepes Dracula would regain his powers and return to to the world of the living and spread his evil influence upon the world. But as always, a Belmont (descent) would rise up to fight him. Daria would make her way to Dracula's castle (Which for some odd reason, chose to pop up in the middle of Cranberry Commons), and face against the dark lord. "So," Daria began to speak. "Do you have any last words before I send you back into the abyss?" "Yes," Dracula answered........... "WHIP ME BABY! I'M SOOOOOOOOOOO HORNY!!!!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 066. She would have wanted it this way ========================================================================== ================================66.======================================= ========================================================================== Jane, Trent, & Tom were making their monthly visit to Daria's grave. Tom was looked down at Daria's headstone inscription of "I kissed your boyfriend" when Jane noticed something that was worth mentioning. "Tom?" Jane spoke. "Have you noticed anything.....different, today?" "I have boobs." Tom answered. "Yeah, it kinda happened while I was asleep last night. I was hoping I was having some kind of bad dream." Jane and Trent had a worried look on their faces as Tom continued. "Any minute now, I'm expecting Rod Serling to pop out of an open grave to tell me that I'm in the fucking Twilight Zone." Tom then looks at Trent. "Dude, is it just me, or did your clothes get more and more shaggier since last week? Did you rob a hobo for your wardrobe?" Trent looks down after a dozen seconds of pondering. The shame was obvious. Jane breaks the silence by asking Tom..... "Ummmm, can I squeeze 'em?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 067. Happy Tree Friends! ========================================================================== ================================67.======================================= ========================================================================== (Scene: at the Morgendorffer house; the family is eating dinner) Jake: How's the old self-esteem coming, kiddo? Daria: My self-esteem teacher says that being addressed all my life with childish epithets like "kiddo" is probably a key source of my problem. Jake: (distressed) Really? Daria: No. Jake: (laughs) Isn't she great? She's the greatest. Helen: She sure is. But what does your self-esteem teacher say? Daria: He says I should think back to circumstances that brought me happiness as a child and replicate them... but I suppose Quinn's here to stay. Quinn: What's that supposed to mean? Daria: You ought to know. You're the only child. Quinn: How would you like to have a sister with a... a "thing"! Helen: Come on, Daria, finish what you were saying. Daria: I thought, why don't we go to Pizza Forest for dinner like we did when we were kids? (Helen, Jake, and Quinn begin to freak out) Quinn: The place with the singers?! Daria: Boy, do I miss those songs. (Cut to: The Pizza Forest. The Morgendorffers are seated at a booth; Helen and Jake are slightly nauseated, Quinn is mightily pissed off, and Daria is enjoying every minute of their torture as the animal singers implore them to join in. Suddenly, a crash is heard at the front door, and a ten-foot red squirrel pounces on the person in the squirrel suit, attempting to mate with it, screams are barely audible through the mouthpiece. Just as suddenly, more giant forest creatures enter the restraint to have sex with the animal singers. A bear's growl can be heard behind the Morgendorffers *Except Daria*, who have frozen in shock/amazement/bewilderment/whatever, but a giant skunk appears in time to spray the bear with its tail.) Daria: (sings) Row, row, row your boat. (Daria smirks, but soon after is knocked unconscious by a barrage of acorns) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 068. Sometimes, it's more than just a game ========================================================================== ================================68.======================================= ========================================================================== The day was tragic, but it was predicted as such. Going in was a 50% chance of suicide, especially without a functioning radar or sonar capabilities, but Admiral Lane was undaunted in her mission. The enemy was out there, and wounded, as a Destroyer was sunk, but not without casualties. The Admiral's flagship was severely damaged and it was unsure as to whether it could take another hit. There was murmurs amongst the crew, mostly about how Fleet Command screwed up by making Lane an Admiral, but hardly anything about the situation. They all knew it was a lost cause. The enemy was skilled in guessing their location, regardless of their similar lack of radar or sonar. The first mate suggested retreating to a safer location (for the 27th time), but the stern Admiral refused to budge, believing they and the rest of their fleet were safe by holding position. They were wrong. There was an explosion on the stern, everyone was still scrambling to patch holes from previous hits to know where the enemy was firing from, and the ship has had enough, as well as the first mate. He immediately ordered all hands to abandon ship, and did his best to drag Admiral Lane with him to the lifeboats. Jane resisted all she could, for she believed that the battle could still be won, even if it meant firing the main guns by herself. The first mate remained determined to get his commanding officer off the ship with the rest of the crew, he felt that his career was damned either way: Either by court martial, or a board of inquiry. He didn't care, he just wanted a clear conscience. Eventually, they made it to the lifeboats, and stood with the crew to salute their sinking vessel. It was a fine one indeed, and it served the fleet for many battles. It would go down with honor and valor, and her crew would continue to serve the proud Navy for many more years....... (Cut to: Jane's bedroom. Daria and Jane are playing a board game) Daria: "Couldn't you just say 'You sunk my Battleship?'" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 069. Somewhere in this, there's a country song begging to be written ========================================================================== ================================69.======================================= ========================================================================== Kevin was happy that Brittany was happy to be riding his custom motorcycle shaped like Brittany (With pigtail handlebars), and now he could be even more happier with his new custom scooter......... .....a reinforced steel rocking horse with a motor and wheels. Kevin celebrated by dressing in a kiddie cowboy costume and driving his new scooter all over town......with Brittany. Some were amazed at the display, others were pointing and laughing. Then Jake and Helen pull up (Only their heads are shown). "What a couple of FREAKS!" Helen commented (Camera pulls back to show that the two are completely naked) as Jake drives with his wife into the distance in a bathtub-mobile. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 070. So, was it positive or negative-reinforcement? ========================================================================== ================================70.======================================= ========================================================================== (Scene: The Morgendorffer house) Quinn - (into phone) I am kind of dating Kevin. Yeah, well, older guys just go for me. They like to take me to expensive restaurants. (phone beeps) Hold on, another call. (clicks to other call) Roderick! Sure, I date guys your age -- I mean, sometimes. Hey, have you ever been to Chez Pierre? (doorbell rings) (Quinn opens the door, to find Brittany holding a paper bag) Brittany - Kevin wants this. Can I leave it in the garage? (Quinn points to garage and closes door) Quinn - (into phone) See you on Wednesday. (phone beeps) Got to go. (clicks to other call) Hello? Matthew! (in the garage) Brittany - Now, don't say a word. (grabs mouse, which bites her hand) Ouch! Ooh! You icky little... animal! (traps mouse in box) Okay, you Morgendorffer temptresses. You're going to have find a new excuse if you want to drag my Kevin over here now. (at Brittany's house, Brittany is holding the box with Daria and Kevin's lab mouse) Brittany: Now, what to DO with you..... Radio: And now for another blast from past, the '80s invasion con-TIN-ues with a block of hits from......The PET SHOP BOYS! Brittany: Hmmmm....... (Evil grin) (Brittany takes the mouse, lays back on her bed, and the camera fades to black. High-pitched giggling can be heard, followed by deep moaning. Suddenly her beeper goes off.) Brittany: *Giggles* Dammit, Upchuck!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 071. Inspired by Penny Arcade ========================================================================== ================================71.======================================= ========================================================================== (Scene: Daria is driving a school bus full of children somewhere where there is a lot of snow, Jane is in the seat behind her.) Daria: So, Bambi 2 just came out out on DVD..... Jane: Oh yeah? You gonna get it? Daria: I dunno. With all of these sudden Disney sequels coming straight to DVD, it just doesn't FEEL the same. Like some of the magic was lost. Jane: Yeah, but that should change soon, right? Daria: Probably, but that wasn't the weird thing about this movie. Jane: Hmm? Daria: I was at a supermarket where if you bought it, you'd get a free Coke and rotisserie chicken. Jane: Well slap me with a fish and call me Agnes, we gotta get in on that sheee...*realizes she's amongst kids*....eesthuff.....! (Cut to: Outside the bus, apparently it's about to drive through the gate to a ski-jump) (Cut back to Daria and Jane) Daria: Yeah, nice save. Anyway, the store was so thrilled they GOT a deal like this going, they apparently forgot to put the parameters in the main computer with the scanbar database, and it took ten whole minutes (The bus goes down the ski jump, and all of the kids start screaming) just to wait on the customer in front of me, who not only didn't know of the deal, but also had to wait for the chicken to be ready, as it was still too early in the morning for there to be ANYTHING coming out of their stupid deli. (The bus launches off the edge and gets good airtime) Jane: You know what would be ironic? IF the store didn't offer free chicken, but instead offered deermeat. It'd make the kids wonder what happened to Bambi's mom. Daria: But anyway, ten minutes to wait for a crap deal for a crap movie. (Cut to: A hospital room. Daria and Jane are totally bandaged up and laying in beds. A movie is about to start) Jane: But hey, it might be a GOOD crap movie. BTW, your Mom was cool to bring us a copy. Daria: She does what she can. (A nurse comes in and brings in dinner) Jane: Ooooh! Chicken! Thanks, doll! (Slaps the nurse's behind. Daria gives her an oddball look.) ............. What? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 072. Years later, she would save money by making the wedding cake ========================================================================== ================================72.======================================= ========================================================================== Jane, Brittany, Quinn, Kevin, The Fashion Club, Upchuck, Andrea, The Js, Jodie, Mack, and Mrs. Bennett were all crowding around Daria with open-mouth delight. It was a sight they've never seen before, but they were all glad they did. "Delicious!" said someone. "What a thing of beauty!" Another said. I'd like a second helping of THAT." a third said. Daria, however, was embarrassed, and with good reason. Everyone found out her terrible secret. Every time she went to the bathroom, different flavors of cake would come out instead of the usual smelly crap. People got suspicious when Daria's farts smelled like vanilla frosting. Jane did her best to comfort her friend "Look at it THIS way, at least now you're more popular than Quinn could ever be. The most beautiful women can't hold a candle to one that can produce the most delicious ball of shit. You can do no wrong!" Daria eventually woke up from her weird dream to find the remainder of her wedding cake laying out. She sorta felt guilty about her choice of husbands, but she didn't care, it was Vegas, anything goes. She sighed as she went back to sleep with Tom, Trent, and Ted. She wasn't picky. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 073. Where's Trent going to get another guitar? ========================================================================== ================================73.======================================= ========================================================================== I wish I could remember all of the details. After the seventh squadcar zoomed in, I stopped counting. After the thirtieth body hit the ground, I stopped counting. There was a huge crowd that already formed, and I had trouble seeing what was going on. Everyone was chanting, screaming, cheering, and booing at the same time. It was like a rave, only no music was playing. Soon after, more bodies were hitting the floor, only they were flying over the crowd before they hit. Obviously, a monster has been let loose in the town. I just couldn't tell what kind of monster, not until some of the crowd began to clear. And then I saw to my horror, what the center of attention was all about........ It was my best friend. She was still drunk as hell and dressed in that damn Rainbow Brite getup. Worse still, she had yet to give my brother back his guitar, and was using it to bludgeon anyone that attempted to restrain her. I'd be cheering for her if only she were sober. Dear god, you should have seen all of that blood on the road........ I knew I had to do something, I just hope that Daria forgives me for it when she eventually wakes up. I took out my cellphone............ "Hello? Animal Control?..........." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 074. Totally normal. Honest. ========================================================================== ================================74.======================================= ========================================================================== *A typical Fashion Club meeting.* Sandi: I call this meeting to discuss the relevance of violet eyeshadow. Quinn, you're up. Quinn: I like the way it goes with my nail polish, but it always helps to add a touch of peach-46, after all, you don't want to LOOK like you're desperate for attention. What do YOU think, Tiffany? Tiffany: I.....like.....peach......thirty......six...... Stacy: But doesn't that clash with the cheeks? I mean, I use pink-12 just to balance out my features from time to time. Oh, I don't know. What do you think, Grimlock? "ME GRIMLOCK FEEL PRETTY!!" *Grimlock tramples the house and the Fashion Club into utter waste* "ME GRIMLOCK DANCE LIKE LITTLE GIRL!! HAW-HAW-HAW-HAW! HAW-HAW-HAW-HAW! HAW-HAW-HAW-HAW!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 075. A long time ago, in a la-la land far far away..... ========================================================================== ================================75.======================================= ========================================================================== "Jane?" "Yeah?" "I kissed your.........dammit, I can't do this." "What's wrong, amiga? "We've been doing this scenes thread for two years, and I dunno, it just seems that we've peaked. We've got nowhere to go but down, don't you see?" "I'm sure something bizarre and wacky will come across our friends here. After all, there's no shortage of pot floating around, I'm positive it'll spark enough creativity to write a story about eating shit." "But we DID that already with the........with the......I can't even say it. But again, don't you see? We PEAKED!" "Well? What do you want to do?" "The only thing we CAN do, move on. And I have an idea on where to go." . . . . . SCENES NO STAR WARS FANFIC SHOULD EVER HAVE Leia: "Something troubling you?" Mara Jade: "I kissed your boyfriend." Daria: "WHAT THE HELL DID I TELL YOU ABOUT MOVING ON?!?!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 076. Ducks fear laser pointers. ========================================================================== ================================76.======================================= ========================================================================== PlainJaneWithATwist (11:04:08 PM): Hey amiga, finally on I see MiseryChick69 (11:04:53 PM): Actually, I just switched off invis-mode, needed time to browse the forums. MiseryChick69 (11:05:42 PM): So, anything new? PlainJaneWithATwist (11:05:50 PM): Did you see what Jodie posted about Angelboy and Angelinhel's affair? MiseryChick69 (11:06:29 PM): Must've missed it. Any dead bodies? PlainJaneWithATwist (11:06:48 PM): Jodie's actually, she's being flame roasted MiseryChick69 (11:07:42 PM): Gimme a minute and I'll fetch the poker..............*Realises she's run out of marshmallows* PlainJaneWithATwist (11:08:19 PM): amiga, it's your stance on the matter she took, I'd think you'd be there to defend her MiseryChick69 (11:10:03 PM): Eh, she's sticking her neck out way too many times. I can't fight 'em all. PlainJaneWithATwist (11:10:46 PM): that's true, but you do have that satisfying way of quelling Quinn and the Fashionistas on the board MiseryChick69 (11:11:07 PM): I pick my spots. PlainJaneWithATwist (11:11:35 PM): Brittany's back too MiseryChick69 (11:12:10 PM): Bouncing back as always, I take it? PlainJaneWithATwist (11:12:39 PM): yeah, and I thought our blasting her would've knocked her down a few notches PlainJaneWithATwist (11:13:33 PM): ever notice angelboy gets more ships than a harbor? MiseryChick69 (11:14:57 PM): Ever notice how Reese rots away more brains than a George Romero film? PlainJaneWithATwist (11:15:44 PM): Do you still ship atimnie secretly lusting for angelboy? MiseryChick69 (11:16:17 PM): Actually, I'm thinking of switching to winged lovers. PlainJaneWithATwist (11:17:25 PM): amiga you can't be serious about that! Angelinhel and Angelboy are complete opposites! *Awkward silence* MiseryChick69 (11:24:08 PM): Have you ever squatted down over top of a cat, and gave it a butt-rub? PlainJaneWithATwist (11:25:04 PM): what does that have to do with anything? MiseryChick69 (11:25:41 PM): I dunno. I just tried it the other day, and it didn't seem to mind. PlainJaneWithATwist (11:26:17 PM): yeah my cats love it... MiseryChick69 (11:27:02 PM): Jane? Since when did you have cats? PlainJaneWithATwist (11:27:29 PM): since mom fed them and let them stay over a week MiseryChick69 (11:29:12 PM): So........ any shredded easels yet? PlainJaneWithATwist (11:29:38 PM): that was when I found out that cats can fly MiseryChick69 (11:30:41 PM): I wondered what that spot was on the walk. PlainJaneWithATwist (11:31:12 PM): yeah =======Right about here there would be a loud car screech in front of Daria's house that can barely heard up to Jane's======= PlainJaneWithATwist (11:35:23 PM): Amiga? MiseryChick69 (11:36:17 PM): Oh, that. I just learned a neat trick involving laser pointers. Say, I just thought of a joke: "Why did the ducks cross the road?" PlainJaneWithATwist (11:36:52 PM): to drive you quackers? =======Another car screech can be heard======== PlainJaneWithATwist (11:38:00 PM): police are going to love you... ------------------------------------------------------------------- Daria = Reese Kaine Jane = Angelboy ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 077. I knew Patches was a mean one, but DAMN! ========================================================================== ================================77.======================================= ========================================================================== At a naive 5 years of age, little Quinn Morgendorffer was loving of all kinds of animals. She begged nonstop to see the animals in the petting zoo, and was in Seventh Heaven when her parents got her an adorable kitten. The kitten grew up fast, and being a wandering cat, eventually found herself pregnant and gave birth to several kittens. Quinn was happier than ever, until one day, when she was holding her cat, she began to growl and hiss at her for some unknown reason. Eventually she clawed at Quinn's face and she was enraged. Quinn snapped the cat's neck, and threw her by the tail into the wooden frame of her bed, killing it. Quinn was heartbroken over the fact that she was so enraged, even worse still, she suddenly started paying more attention to her face, protecting it like a safe full of valuables. Years passed, and Quinn returned from her first day at Lawndale High School. Unfortunately, the next day would turn tragic. Quinn Morgendorffer was found stabbed to death in her bed, eyes ripped out, nose chopped, heart, lungs, esophagus and vocal cords punctured. The parents and police both suspected her older sister Daria of the gruesome murder, citing jealousy as prime motive. Daria was tried as an adult and sentenced to death. Meanwhile, a neighbor by the name of Jane Lane was filming a movie of this adorable cat brandishing a bloody knife.......... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 078. Someone set us up the bomb! ========================================================================== ================================78.======================================= ========================================================================== A peaceful morning at Lawndale High was cut short by a bomb threat, school would surely be canceled. There was only one thing for Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie to do in this situation.) Joey: FORM UP! All three: J-SQUAD!! (The J-Squad* was formed shortly after the love of their lives, Quinn Morgendorffer had perished in a freak accident, and no longer had any meaning to their lives. Together, they solve mysteries, fight crime, and save the day.) (We join the J-Squad in the basement of Lawndale High School, where they have found the bomb.) Jeffy: It looks like the bomb is armed! Jamie: Then there's only one way to stop it! Joey: Yes, we can do it! All three: J-SQUAD!! (Camera pans upward to the ceiling lights, zippers can be heard, and an odd squishing noise can be heard. Heavy short breaths can be heard afterwards) Joey: Work faster, this bomb's going to explode! (The weird sounds continue, only quicker than before) Jeffy: It's not working! Joey: Quick! Put up the Quinn poster! (The camera moves to a shot of a poster of Quinn's upper-torso, the sounds get more faster and weirder than ever, then a squirting sound. Pan back down to the three who are back to normal. The bomb, however, is covered in........ewwwwww..........) Joey: Another tragedy averted by the hands of........ All three: J-Squad!! Jamie: ..........uhhhhh, I think the bomb's still ticking.......oh shi..... (The school is utterly destroyed in a fireball..........later, forensics would claim the bomb material was of a massive amount of methane.) (Cut to: A beach in an unknown location) Blond Daria: (Shaking her finger from left to right) I know what you're thinking......... * = Stands for "Jerkoff-Squad" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 079. Seriously, she does. ========================================================================== ================================79.======================================= ========================================================================== Tiffany and Sandi are sitting on a bench, waiting forever for something. The minutes seem to go on forever, until Tiffany decides to look over at Sandi. Sandi looks back at Tiffany as if she was about to say something. Tiffany just looks away and goes "God, I fucking hate you." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 080. I wonder how they reacted to the solar-powered dress....... ========================================================================== ================================80.======================================= ========================================================================== The following is based on a new product I read about http://www.we-make-money-not-art.com/archives/008246.php ----------------------- The Fashion Club learned to save money on clothes by making their own. It all seemed so easy to just spray on their outfits like silly string, but eventually the day would come when ......... it would rain. Quinn became more popular than ever when the school learned that day that she doesn't wear underwear......... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 081. That happened at work one morning, and I had to share it. ========================================================================== ================================81.======================================= ========================================================================== "My name is Charles, and I've learned something important that I felt the need to share." "The other day, I was checking out at the grocery store and overheard a conversation between the cashier and someone in the office regarding the lack of pens to lend to customers to write checks. So I suggested that they drop all the pens they can find in a big jar and call it the Pen Inter-Store Pool, or Pen.I.S. Pool for short. She thought it was a great idea, and why wouldn't it be? After all, you WANT to have a place to grab a pen if you need one. But what she didn't realize (and maybe you guys might have seen this, who knows?), was that I just slipped a dirty joke through, and got away with it." "The lesson learned today is, as long as you go over their heads, you can slip the filthiest jokes past even the Preacher's wife." "My name is Charles Ruttheimer, and you're now MY bitch." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 082. Doesn't she own a gas mask? ========================================================================== ================================82.======================================= ========================================================================== Somewhere on a desert highway, a lone white vehicle speeds down the road at 95 miles an hour. Without a care in the world, it zips past speed limit signs with utmost disrespect. Inside the blazing vehicle, a foul smell is afoot. Jane: Damn vulture crap.......... Trent: Hey, at least it saves some money to paint it. I've been meaning to give it a new coat, anyway. Jane: But the smell. Gawwwwwwd.... Tom: (Apologetic) Oh geez. Jane, I'm sorry, that was me. Daria: I thought you smelled fresh........ Tom: Well, it wasn't exactly my idea to stop at Taco Hell. Jesse: What's so demonic about Taco Bell? Tom: I dunno, this? (Tom lets one rip.) Jane: Trent? Could you pleeeeeeease open the window, I'm dyin' back here! Trent: You know I've been trying to save up to fix this thing, but we've gotta cut costs here and there. One cutback was for Tank repair. Max: ....so I could get a pair of these! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Daria: Diamond-studded drumsticks? Nick: Wait a sec, you spent our gig money on DRUMSTICKS?! (Tom lets another one rip) Jane: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!! Either plug that damn thing up or I swear I'm gonna jam Daria's vibrator up there! (Daria gets red-faced for a moment) Jesse: Dude, chill out, since when did farts get on your nerves? Jane: Hey, I've had to put up with you all's for years on-end, it's become, like, air to me. Tom's are like the stinkbombs that blond midget always dropped in the trash bucket between classes. It's just.........unbearable. (Tom starts holding his stomach in pain) Jane: Goddammit! (Pulls out a .357 and points it just above Tom's ear) If you don't cut it with the cutting of the cheese......... (Ed note: Right here, Trent and the band start singing a cheerful heartwarming tune that they somehow learned. Unfortunately, I'm not good at hacking lyrics, so I'm just going to skip to the end) Jane: (putting down the gun) Tom, I'm sorry. I ...... didn't mean to....... Tom: It's okay, let's just enjoy the trip............Hey, what's that tune, anyway? Trent: Oh, that? 'Something we're working on. (Mystik Spiral continue to sing their new song as the camera pulls outside of the Tank, still speeding down the desert highway. Camera pulls back further and further, and fades slowly to black) (A fart can be heard) Jane: THAT'S IT!! *Gunshot* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 083. I probably could, but the guy's so damn elusive I don't think I could find his house ========================================================================== ================================83.======================================= ========================================================================== SCENES NO DARIA AUTHOR FANFIC SHOULD EVER HAVE brnleague99 (11:02:45 PM): Dude my DVD came in mail today Kraxus0001 (11:02:59 PM): My Brooklyn Smasher came in today. brnleague99 (11:03:08 PM): woot man:-D Jake Roberts: Pick Your Poison. It has a shite load of extras Kraxus0001 (11:03:53 PM): Unbreakable plastic, and it feels as hard as the wooden bats. brnleague99 (11:04:11 PM): woots Kraxus0001 (11:04:38 PM): The only thing that could beat this is a bat made of liquid metal. brnleague99 (11:04:55 PM): word Kraxus0001 (11:05:54 PM): You hear that, Skynet? LIQUID METAL. C'mon, you know what to do. Send me Robert Patrick, and I can cut him in half and make a bat. brnleague99 (11:06:38 PM): Very Happy Um, you do know the true Robert Patrick is a man of flesh don't you? Razz That was a moooooovie:-P Kraxus0001 (11:07:35 PM): Yes, I do. The prototype will be a demon bat made of his bone and sinew. I will attach a cross-guard to the handle and put his eyes on both sides. brnleague99 (11:10:21 PM): no more mushrooms for you. Razz Kraxus0001 (11:11:37 PM): The tears of blood and bland-acting will give me strength to move mountains with the unholy club of blood, and I will FLATTEN the Kanawha Valley, destroying coal and valuable fossil fuels for greedy old men, leading me to the cave of twelve sorrows where I shall discover........THE GOLDEN BAT! And with that holy power I will achieve what no man could ever do. I will take a West Virginia minor league team TO THE PENNANT! brnleague99 (11:12:36 PM): you should write storylines for wwe. Razz brnleague99 (11:12:55 PM): You could write Ultimate Warrior interviews:-P Kraxus0001 (11:13:45 PM): See where a simple plastic bat can take a man? _______________ Cut to: A computer desk, the user's chair is somewhat high and hides the identity of the person sitting. The camera slowly moves toward the screen, showing Stacy typing away. Stacy: This is just too easy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 084. At least it wasn't "Pre-Skool Prostitute"...... ========================================================================== ================================84.======================================= ========================================================================== (Scene: Jane's Bedroom, a musical noise causes Jane's clutter statue to collapse) Daria: There goes your genius grant. Jane: Yeah, but maybe Trent will share his with me. Daria: That's Trent? Jane: (gets up) Come on, Daria. Let's go complain about the noise, hmm? Daria: I don't find it a problem. Um, I have unusually sturdy eardrums? Jane: I think Trent's band might have an opening for a fly girl. (grabs Daria by the arm as she leaves the room) Daria: I think I might have an opening for a new friend. (they descend into the basement as another musical riff shakes the house, only this time there are two distinct sounds) Daria: Isn't that two.........ummmm.......whatever those are? Jane: Yeah. The other one's Jesse. He plays rhythm in Mystik Spiral. Daria: "Mystik Spiral"? Jane: Trent's band. Daria: Sounds like one of those Doors cover bands that play brew pubs. Jane: Heh, they wish! (Trent and Jesse start playing MIDI keyboards; they aren't exactly Jimmy Page and Jimi Hendrix) Trent: (singing) "Take the ribbon from your hair......" Jesse: (providing backup) "From your hair......." Trent: (singing) "Shake it loose, and let it fall....... Jesse: (providing backup) "Let it fall......" Trent: (singing) "My twelve-gauge and six-pack....... Jesse: (providing backup) "twelve-gauge and six-pack......." Trent: (singing) "My truck, my dog, and prison." (they resume playing; it hasn't improved) Jane: Yo, Trent! You wanna turn it UP a bit? Trent: Are you kidding? I'm already weirded out over this. Hey, Daria. Daria: (VO) Can't speak... must speak... (spoken) Hey. Trent: Whadda ya think of the song? Daria: (VO) It has a beat and you can dance to it, if you have no shame. (spoken) Cool. Trent: It's called "My Truck, My Dog, and Prison." (Suddenly, Oderus Urungus and Beefcake the Mighty crash through the ceiling) Oderus: I thought the song sounded awesome, like skinning live babies alive on a Sunday morning, but you're missing the best part! Beefcake: GOR-GORRRRR!!!!! (A giant dinosaur crashes into the house and eats Daria & Jesse. Jane and Trent were spared after Jane bribed Beefcake with paintings of Brittany getting her guts smeared over the Tommy Sherman goalpost). (Cut to: A computer desk. Sandi takes another look at what she just wrote on MS Word, and decides to delete it.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 085. The things you learn from an expert in the field........ ========================================================================== ================================85.======================================= ========================================================================== During a weekly TV party, Daria, Jane, and the Fashion Club were shocked when die-roller- winner (Whoever's number comes up after a roll gets the remote for the night) Stacy stumbled upon the Spider-Man movie. It's during the upside-down smooching scene........ Quinn: I looooove love stories! Stacy: I wonder if they'll get married someday. Tiffany: Wiiiiiiiilllllll theeeeeeeeey haaaaaaaaave kiiiiiiiiidssssss? Daria: I doubt it. Sandi: How so? Daria: To get to this point, we'll have to start from the bottom. If Spider-Man can do whatever a Spider can, does that mean he has trouble getting out of the bathtub? (Cut to: Spider-Man slipping as he tries to get up, cursing "Damn slippy sides!") Jane: Or a spider's natural fear of newspapers? (Cut to: The Daily Bugle Editor's Office. Wielding a rolled-up newspaper, Jameson demands that Peter presents the pictures by noon the next day. Peter cowers in fear "AAUGH! Don't hit me!") Daria: Now try to picture this, if you will: A male spider's private area is in its right front leg. Try to imagine Peter consummating the marriage, and then Mary Jane screaming out...... Jane: "Don't even THINK of sticking your finger up there! I don't want hundreds of baby spiders coming out my........." GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 086. The things they have to do for tuition money...... ========================================================================== ================================86.======================================= ========================================================================== Daria and Sandi are in a motel room somewhere. Sandi looks a lot darker than before, her eyes are literally glowing red, and she's sporting giant fangs. Daria is scared to death. Then it happened....... Director Charles Ruttheimer III signaled for the music to be cued up. He was about to fulfill his fantasy of seeing two of the objects of his affection perform for his lesbian vampire porn compilation film. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 087. Okie, this might have been out of line, I admit it ========================================================================== ================================87.======================================= ========================================================================== o/ "Pe-ter and Cross, pa-li-ti-cal neigh-bors.......ding! o/ (Scene: Crossada is at his computer playing the Sims) Cross: Have sex, gahdammit!! Peter: What's wrong? Cross: I'm trying to get these mockups of Daria and Jane to swap tartar sauce, and it's not working! Peter: If you want to watch people have sex so bad, why don't you just watch the Morgendorffers next door through a high-powered telescope that I have conveniently positioned in my room? (Cut to: Peter's bedroom window) Cross: Wow, I thought you were into astronomy, but you're actually kind of a creepy voyeur. Peter: You know, Quinn threw a hairbrush away last night? It's mine now. (Cross looks at Peter weird) Peter: I pet it like a cat. o/ "Pe-ter and Cross, pa-li-ti-cal neigh-bors.......ding! o/ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 088. Actually, it was a day for bowling, but they seemed so happy, why ruin it? ========================================================================== ================================88.======================================= ========================================================================== The day was good, as the sky was clear, the sun was shining, and the field was green and ready to be dug up by a thousand spiked shoes, or so it felt, if grass could scream in pain. This was a day for football. The crowd had gathered, everyone was waving their colors, ready to cheer for their respective teams, and jeer for their respective rivals with absolute disrespect. This was a day for football. The Pizza King had set up shop, as always, to maintain their business, and the vendors were providing soda, spiked with beer. Already there were choruses of belches and gas clouds forming over the crowd. This was a day for football. The teams were assembled in the locker rooms, receiving their final marching orders. Ready to follow their respective leaders into Hell for the glory of the team, the school, and future shoe commercials. Everyone was thinking way too far ahead. Except Team Captain Mackenzie, of course. He was mostly worried about getting through today without breaking more than three bones. He was sick of getting his middle finger broken, and not being able to flip off that jackoff Quarterback of his for calling him that retarded nickname. Screw Jodie, Mack wanted to live, dammit. Jodie can wait. This was a day for war...er, I mean football. Lion's Quarterback Thompson was nowhere to be seen, as he and Lion's Head Cheerleader Taylor were in the Principal's Office making out just for the sheer thrill of the off-chance they could get caught. This was a day for football. Two of Lawndale High's resident outcasts were also nowhere to be seen, as they were home. They really didn't give a shit. This was a day for football. Security was in place, as the rental bloodhound units were set for their patrols, including the $40 Yorkie with the cute hat. Principal Angela Li's request for an ED-209 unit was obviously misheard over the phone. This was a day for football. Everyone rose as the National Anthem played over the cheap RCA Speakers purchased back in '96. Everyone cheered when the anthem stopped unexpectedly with the sound of the needle being lifted from a record, and someone deciding to play Vomitron's version of the Ghostbusters theme song. This was a day for football. Everything was set. And then to kick off the game, Charles Ruttheimer the 3rd announced some sad news. Someone dug up Tommy Sherman's corpse, peed on it, and reburied it upside down with the arms and legs interchanged. He decided to forgo the usual tradition of a Moment of Silence with something new. Something that he hoped would get the crowd fired up for the game, despite the horrific news...... "Ladies and gentlemen, will you please join me, in a moment of screaming?" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGG- GGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" "Alright now the girls this time!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGG- GGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" The screams lasted for a full four minutes, followed by wanton violence in the stands, and eventually the grass, as the players took the field. Despite the blood-soaked chaos, the game ran smoothly. The lions won by three points after Mack lost his cool by picking up and tossing Kevin with the ball LIKE A JAVELIN onto the touchdown line. The refs all called for a decision whether to decide on the legality of the play. The Head Ref shrugged and said "Fuck it, it's five, I wanna go home." TOUCHDOWN! LIONS WIN!!! Kevin was praised like a hero. Mack held his hands in pain. Luckily he only broke two bones this time, but both were middle knuckles. He was sorely tempted to curse the very name of Jesus F Christ. Daria and Jane saw the bit on the 5:30 news, and in mid-report, switched over to watch some tabloid TV show about kittens learning to play the accordion. Oh yes, this was a day for football. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 089. Seriously, it's a dead horse ========================================================================== ================================89.======================================= ========================================================================== Daria: Jane? I have something to tell you. Jane: What now? You've already ripped my life apart by telling me you kissed my boyfriend. Daria: Yeah, about that......... (Next to them........) Jodie: Brittany? Brittany: Hmm? Jodie: I dunno how to say this, so I'll just come out and say it: I kissed your boyfriend. (Back to Daria & Jane) Daria: It seems to be spreading. (Next to Brittany & Jodie.......) Burnout Girl: I'm sorry!! Andrea: Fuck off! (Next to them.........) Monique: How COULD.....YOU?! Trent: I didn't mean to, it just happened! Monique: How could SHE?!?! (Next to them.........) O'Neill: She didn't do anything! It was all my fault! Barch: Oh, don't give me that! O'Neill: She didn't want any part of this! I screwed everything up! (Cut to: A bed at four in the morning. A silhouette of a man wakes up from a nightmare, screaming) Man: What was.....what a....oh no, what time is it? (Looks at alarm clock) THERE'S STILL TIME!!! (The man picks up his phone and dials a number) Man: Hello? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wak.......oh, you were pacing around about it, too? ......... Yeah. I think I've decided about that ............ I don't think I've got it in me for a spinoff after all. ......... Yeah, I know......... I'm sure they'll think of something............ What? ..... I had an epiphany. ......... Yeah, retirement's looking kinda good right now. ........ Yeah, I'll call you tomorrow afternoon. I gotta get some sleep. (Click) Glenn: Daria getting a show? What was I THINKING?! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 090. The things they have to do for tuition money: Special Edition ========================================================================== ================================90.======================================= ========================================================================== (ed note: This is a rehash, but this time with a better intro) Daria: Okay, we're back with an online question from Brian H. Jane: "Dear Daria, are you a lesbian? If so, would you be interested in acting in a film?" Wow. Daria: Brian, I'm not a lesbian. But if you think you have to be a lesbian to play a lesbian, then you must think Tom Cruise drinks the blood of virgins. Jane: Um, bad example. Daria: Huh? Oh yeah, but you know what I mean. Jane: I'm a lesbian! Daria: You are not. Jane: I know, but I want to be in a movie. Daria and Sandi are in a motel room somewhere. Sandi looks a lot darker than before, her eyes are literally glowing red, and she's sporting giant fangs. Daria is scared to death. Then it happened....... Director Charles Ruttheimer III signaled for the music to be cued up. He was about to fulfill his fantasy of seeing three of the objects of his affection perform for his lesbian vampire porn compilation film. Jane (Walking in, in full vampire getup): Me and my big mouth. Daria: And ironically, that's your motivation. So get down there, already......... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 091. Awwww, she's soooo cute! ========================================================================== ================================91.======================================= ========================================================================== Upchuck is cornered in a dark alley by a group of muggers. He presses his super- communicator panic button, and hopes that Lawndale's greatest superhero, the Misery Chick, will swoop in and save the day. Sure enough, a superhero arrived just in time. Unfortunately, it's a flying 3-year-old MiseryBaby. "Me save day for Uncle UpperChucker!" She saves the day by pounding the muggers into mush, and flys away, hoping to find the age- restoration gun to restore her to her natural age. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 092. The story of her escape could only be told in a survival-horror video game by Capcom ========================================================================== ================================92.======================================= ========================================================================== (at Mrs. Johansen's house) (Daria and Jane look in through the door at Mrs. Johansen, who has passed out on the floor) Daria: Uh-oh. Jane: Did she hit her head? Daria: I don't think so. Jane: Do you know CPR or anything? Daria: I once gave the Heimlich maneuver to Quinn. Jane: Did it work? Daria: She wasn't choking. Jane: We should be doing something now. I'm sure of it. Daria: Yeah, I think you're right. (after a moment, Jane takes another picture, which coincides with Mrs. Johansen recovering from her fainting spell) Mrs. Johansen: (standing up) Damn hypoglycemia. I'm sorry, girls, I'm holding up the works. Okay, now. How much apiece on those chocolate bars? Daria: Ma'am, I'm not sure I can sell you any chocolate bars. Mrs. Johansen: What's the matter? My money's not good enough for you? Daria: It's not that, it's just... maybe it's not such a good idea. Mrs. Johansen: Give me those chocolate bars! Jane: Thank you for the offer though, ma'am, and for caring about the students of Lawndale High. Daria: We could call your doctor or the hospital if you like. Otherwise, we'll be going. (Daria and Jane walk away) Mrs. Johansen: I don't need a damn doctor, I need a damn chocolate bar! Gimme! I'll pay ya five bucks apiece! Daria: Have a nice day, ma'am. Mrs. Johansen: I want those chocolate bars! I want chocolate, dammit! Jane: Five dollars apiece. We would've made over a hundred bucks. Daria: Yeah, and all we had to do was take a human life. Jane: You always see the downside, don't you? Daria: Forget it, let's just try this next house. (Daria and Jane ring the bell at an oddly-bright colored house. It seems to be a group house as the main hallway is lined with different tenants. A flushing sound can be heard as a giant yellow bird walks out of the bathroom with the latest issue of "Bird-Watchers Monthly", he waddles over to Daria and Jane) Bird: HIYA! Welcome to the Sesame House! I'm Big Bird, and sooooo HAPPY to live here!! Jane: You don't seem happy. Big Bird: Was it THAT obvious? Shit. Anyway, yeah, we're kinda bummed. We had to move in this crap-ass house after some billionaire scammed us out of our neighborhood. The goddammed frog ran off with the money, and his ex took pity on us and rented out her house. So, yeah, I'm not really happy. Oh geez, I'm ranting again. So, what's up? Daria: We're selling chocolate bars to raise money for the new Lawndale coffeehouse. Big Bird: Oh god, hang on a sec. BERT, ERNIE!! Voice (Down the hall): Yeah? Big Bird: Keep the blue fucker occupied for awhile. Voice: He's been kinda crazy lately, we ain't going near 'im! Big Bird: Oh for fuck's sake. Hang on a sec, guys. ........ (barely audible) Can you keep them entertained? I dunno, sing a song or something. (Moments later, two odd puppet-shaped midgets pop out of the hallway, both are wearing leather straps, one has a whip, the other has a riding crop) Ernie: Hiya! (A seemingly-infinite period of time passes within a few seconds) Daria: We're..... Bert: WE'RE NOT GAY!! (Daria and Jane barely exchange a glance of horror, the kind that can only say "Should we run?" Another moment passes, only breaking the silence with the arrival of Kevin & Brittany, also hoping to raise money) Kevin: Would anyone like to buy some wrapping paper, or sign up for CD club memberships? Ernie: I know someone that loves CDs! Oh Sweetums! (A giant 8'5" monster comes tromping out into the hallway and to the front door. He's wearing a 12-inch strapon and leather chaps. Sweetums belches out some unrecognizable monster grunts) Ernie: He says he loves Alanis Morissette. Brittany: Who DOESN'T? Kevin: I don't. Her music's kinda gay. (Sweetums' eyes widen, and he grabs Kevin. Camera cuts to a four-shot of Daria, Jane, Brittany, and Bert, 3/4 of the crowd drop their jaws in horror as to what they are witnessing. Kevin is screaming in horror, there is a squish-squish sound, and eventually, Kevin giggles a little, but resumes screaming in horror. Finally, Kevin's voice goes silent) Ernie: Sweetums, you're embarrassing us in front of the guests. Take your new toy to the playroom, Bert, make sure he doesn't get anything dirty. (Bert follows Sweetums as he carries Kevin, now dripping with blood from two orifices, one being his mouth, to the back of the house. Afterwards, Quinn walks in. A figure in black comes out the hallway and looks at Quinn) Count: I count one, two, free, vour, vive pulsating veins on vor neck. Ernie: I see them too. (Ernie opens his mouth, and incisors grow into fangs) (Big Bird, Elmo, Cookie Monster, and others pop out, sporting vampire fangs) Count: As vou can see, girls, I had to feed on them, as well. I AM a vampire, after all..... (The Count, who wasn't looking before, glances in the three girls' direction, to see that they are gone. Cut to: Sesame House ext., the girls are running like hell as screams can be heard from inside.) (Cut to: Angel Li's office. Ms. Li is seated at her desk, while Mr. O'Neill stands to one side and attempts to memorize Daria and Jane's names from his seating charts) Mr. O'Neill: Daria... Jane. Daria... Jane. Daria... Jane. (Daria and Jane walk in) Ms. Li: Come in, Ms. Morgendorffer, Ms. Lane. Sit down. (Daria and Jane sit in chairs facing the desk) Ms. Li: The school received a phone call this morning from a Mrs. Johansen. She said two girls came to her door to sell her chocolate bars, and then suddenly refused to do so. Hmm. Even after she offered five dollars a bar, or more than twice the asking twice. Daria: She was hypoglycemic. The chocolate would've killed her. Jane: She passed out while we were standing there. Ms. Li: Did she ask you to feed her the chocolate? Daria: No... Ms. Li: How do you know it wasn't for her family? Jane: She has no family. She ate them. Mr. O'Neill: Daria, Jean, we're two hundred dollars short of what we need to open the coffeehouse. Ms. Li: So, your refusal to sell chocolate to this woman was based purely on concern for her welfare. Daria: And not wanting to do time for manslaughter. Ms. Li: You have no overall problem with raising money for the coffeehouse? Daria: I believe in coffee. Coffee for everyone. But I don't want to sell any more chocolate bars. It makes me feel dirty. Jane: The bad kind of dirty. Ms. Li: Well, I can't force you to do fundraising, but I can't give you credit for participating in the coffee house project, either. Mr. O'Neill: Wait. Daria, what about what we discussed? Reading something on opening night. Daria: I don't think so. Ms. Li: You do want this extracurricular activity, don't you? Jane: (quietly to Daria) Pop goes the weasel... Daria: Fine. Mr. O'Neill: Fabulous! Ms. Li: Although I still don't know where we're going to find that two hundred dollars. Well, maybe the freshman volunteers will make up some of it. (Quinn opens door; both hands and her pockets are filled with cash, tainted and covered in blood) Quinn: Hi! You got anymore of those phone cards? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 093. You're an adult, four-eyes. Take SOME responsibility! Kids....... ========================================================================== ================================93.======================================= ========================================================================== (Scene: An empty aquarium exhibit. A female staff member has shooed the sea otters out into the staff areas and is cleaning the place up) Phony British Nature-esque Voice: The human female works tirelessly to preserve her den while the husband is away, hunting for their next meal. Notice the stern exterior and rugged jawbone, one would suspect she is a very protective mother of at least three offspring. On closer observation, it would turn out she is simply batshit. The human female is calm and timid with members of the opposite sex, but is said to be quite violent when around other females, possibly at the risk of no longer becoming noticed. And, despite her muscular stature, he could stand to lose two pounds. Mrs. Bennett: Are you quite done? Voice (Revealing to be O'Neill, but pointing to Daria): She did it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 094. Doesn't a College football player ever feel guilty because he got by solely on sports? ========================================================================== ================================94.======================================= ========================================================================== Jane got the prestigious honor of sitting alongside Kevin Thompson as he finished writing what he hoped would be his fifth best-selling book. Her job was to proofread the content and help correct any spelling mistakes. She was being paid well. All of Kevin's books were written in Microsoft Word, but after arriving at Kevin's house, she noticed there was no keyboard present. Jane was very confused, until she saw him in action. He had the help of Dragon Natural Speaking. Jane listen on as he spoke the words that would appear in the final chapter of the book appear on the screen. She had trouble breathing as the BC Bud smoke (Brittany had no problem with bringing him a crate of the stuff. *see early STSNB threads) from Kevin filled the room. Afterwards, Kevin saved his work and shut off the PC. Jane was even more confused as Kevin didn't bother to check his own writing. Jane never mentioned to anyone about the pot that Kevin smoked, as she felt that A) It was an aid to his work, and B) She was a firm believer in the legalization. Later, Jane asked Kevin why he never looked at the screen, nor checked his own work. Kevin was hesitant to answer, then broke down and answered......... "I......I can't read or write." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 095. Witnesses claim he gave up on her afterwards and was feeding on a victim in a car. The license plate was kinda jumpy but it seemed to read EA_M_TH. ========================================================================== ================================95.======================================= ========================================================================== (At a Lawndale High pep rally) Brittany: "DANCE!! Everbody dance!" Crowd: "Yayyyyy!" Brittany: "YAYYYYY!!!" Crowd: "Yayyyyy!" Brittany: "This is funnnnn!!" Crowd: "Yayyyyy!" Brittany: "Life is good!!" Crowd: "Yayyyyyy!" (Suddenly blood starts dripping out from under Brittany's skirt) Brittany: "My anus is bleeding." Crowd: "Yayyyyyy!" (The blood forms a huge puddle) Brittany: "My anus is bleeding!" Crowd: "Yayyyyyy!" (The blood has flooded the gym, only ankle-deep) Brittany: "For the love of God, and all that is holy: MY ANUS IS BLEEDING!!!!" Crowd: "Yayyyyyy!" (The blood has reached waist-deep, and Brittany is washed out of the room, screaming in pain) Ms Li: Everybody remain calm. I prepared for such an eventuality. I got ahold of a guy that can clean vast amounts of blood. (Thinking) Which would prove beneficial for when I murder that ugly Morgendorffer bitch. (Out loud) Oh, Count? (The Counting Count comes out, missing an eye. Apparently Quinn did a number on him from the last encounter. He sees the blood and starts licking his chops.) Count: Oh, Madam Wi, I must convess. I don't vink I can do vis. Not awone anyvay. (He opens the door leading outside and whistles. Eventually all the rest of the Sesame Street characters pour in, seeing the torrents of blood, and grow huge sets of fangs...........I think you can guess what happened next. Wink) Count: Now to zeek out the zource. I vink I vill be fed vor veeks! And so, the Count went to the back, aching to suck out Brittany's ass. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 096. Yeah, like you've never tried it. Uh-huh. ========================================================================== ================================96.======================================= ========================================================================== POV of mystery figure walking into Daria's bedroom. Hand reaches into pocket to pull out a "Daria" Atari video cartridge. The cartridge is put into an Atari 2600 console under the TV, and turned on. A crudely-pixelated Daria logo is shown, and the music is synthesized..... BIP-BOOP-BEEEP-BIP-BOOP! BIP-BOOP-BEEEP-BIP-BOOP! Daria is shown exiting her house, and is set to the task of getting to school on time. She is walking past fast-moving cars, skateboarders, bees, and picks up coins on the ground. She collects pizza slices to keep her strength up. OMG, QUINN'S MAKING A BEELINE FOR YOU, RUN AWAY RUN AWAY......oh no, you fell into a pit!! Daria stretches her neck to levitate herself out of the crevice, and continues on her wa....OH SHIT IT'S QUINN AGAIN! RUN AWAY BEFORE SHE GETS YOU AND RAPES YOUR HEAD AND EATS YOUR BRAINS!! The POV shifts to the bedroom door as it opens, and Daria walks in. Daria: "Three questions: Who are you? What are you doing in my room? And why are you naked and covered in baby oil?" Jane: (Walking in) "And can you smile for a picture?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 097. And to think, I had the house pizza..... ========================================================================== ================================97.======================================= ========================================================================== Kevin was astounded by the wonderful sight of a monumental sandwich that Brittany took the time to make for him. Unfortunately, there was a slight problem. The sandwich was two feet in height. Granted, it was loaded with the works: lettuce, tomatoes, onions, mushrooms, several slices of different cheeses & ham, and drowned in mayo, but Kevin knew he couldn't eat it without making a huge mess. Brittany, however, had a plan. Brittany lifted her shirt and did a dance with pasties. Kevin's jaw dropped to the floor, providing his face with enough room to feed it with the uber-wich. Sadly there was another problem: Being that they were in the LHS cafeteria during lunch hour, everyone else's jaws dropped. Brittany sighed as she started making more sandwiches. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 098. What a dick. ========================================================================== ================================98.======================================= ========================================================================== Mack was sick of Kevin calling him .........that name, and challenged him to a boxing match. Kevin was so confident (For some reason, being the QB gives you that kind of arrogance) that he upped the ante and allowed Mack to throw the first punch. Mack was thinking of the Jason Takes Manhattan flick and wondered how cool would it be if he just decapitated Kevin right then and there with a punch. So he did......at least he tried to. He wound up landing one of the more nastier haymakers into Kevin's skull, just above his right ear. And one of the most unusual occurrences happened, something that made just about everyone scream in horror. Mack hit Kevin so hard his brain popped out his other ear, and what a tiny brain it was. Brittany wasn't concerned, as this had happened before. All she had to do was pop the brain back in before he keeled over. But for some reason, Kevin was stumbling around and recollecting his thoughts without a brain. This made no sense to everyone, even Mack, who wondered if he just did Kevin a favor by knocking out his pea-brain. Kevin opened his mouth to speak, and for some reason, he spoke perfect English (British to be precise), and was not the least bit concerned about his "brain" that popped out. Some of the onlookers were confused and started looking at the "brain". Brittany moved to pick it up, and suddenly the brain opened its eyes & mouth, and let out a blood-curdling snarl. Just as Upchuck (Damned if I know where he got the courage to do this) was about to capture it with a plastic bag (WTF?), there was a tremor that got louder and louder. A metal drilling vehicle popped out of the gym floor and out popped two figures, a Japanese crimelord with weird samurai/ninja hybrid armor and a big overweight cyborg with a giant brain in his stomach. The latter spoke.... "JUNIOR! I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK!! Come, we go home now!" The little brain agreed and jumped in the driller with the pair. The driller went back into the Earth, and left the crowd even more confused. Suddenly, four giant turtles with weapons burst into the gym and jumped in the hole, followed by a hot chick in a yellow jumpsuit with a camcorder. Mack looked at Kevin like "Okay, what do we do now?". Just to be fair, Kevin decided to finish the fight by knocking Mack out and picking up the win. What did you expect? He's the QB. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 099. A very special scene. ========================================================================== ================================99.======================================= ========================================================================== Scene: In a lab of some kind. Jane walks into camera view wearing a lab coat over her usual attire. Jane: *Still walking, camera following is her* "Here at the Lawndale Technical Institute, it's our responsibility to provide the fans with the utmost quality entertainment possible to achieve. When you're either a long-running veteran of a forum, or just some random troll looking to jerk off all over the place......BTW, we're not blind: We CAN see you, pull up your goddamn pants! .........Regardless, we're still here for YOU! *Stops at a window to a glassed-in room with several other labcoat folks and a cast member* Let's check on a script that Upchuck is trying on our old friend Ted." Upchuck: "Hey Ted, if you want to meet women, you should probably start wearing pants." Jane: "BWAAAHHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh-one liners what-EVER would we do without them? *Whips out a recorder* (Note to self: Find out who wrote that line and jam a gun down his throat). Ahem. AH! Here's one of our veteran interns, miss Thea. Miss Thea, let's hear something from your department." Thea: "Well! We have written up a DAZZLING musical number with the cast of Daria, DANCING in the streets with Bin Laden! One of my staff came up with a title "Osama's lucky Llama"." Jane: "It's a definite improvement, but it's lacking something. Something that says "CRAZY!!"." Thea: "Hmmmm, I know! *excited tone* What if everyone was naked?" Jane: "Perfect!! *Thea walks past Jane, happy* Another thing we could never do without are big budget action scenes that defy all logic. Here's a classic from 2005." ==================== SAVING PRIVATE RYAN *Montage of 10-year-old kids storming Normandy beach with M-16s, all narrowly-missing all enemy gunfire, 5-year-olds blasting the bunkers with bazookas, one toddler gets launched into the air by a landmine, and lands 50 feet away on his head. He giggles and continues to storm the beach.* ==================== Jane: "WHAT HAVE I BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU, PEOPLE?! CHILDREN CAN'T DIE!!! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! *Gets in the cameraman's face* THE UNIVERSE JUST WON'T ALLOW IT!!" *Static* TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES PLEASE STAND BY *Static* *Daria is shown in a labcoat and for some reason, there's signs that Daria's hair has been dyed, and her legs seem really shiny* Daria: "Here at the Lawndale Technical Institute, we strive to raise the bar over what is funny, original and just plain wrong. But what IS funny? What IS Originality? Here's a clip that shows what is just plain wrong...... ==================== AFTER YOU LEFT Scene: Holiday High School. Daria, Jane, and Trent forgot to pick up his guitar after the show due to the afterparty, celebrating a great gig. What they saw was a scene of absolute horror: The walls were painted with blood, the lockers were strung with human skin, and the floors were littered with bones. In the center of it all were Christmas, Halloween, and Guy Fawkes Day huddled together, snacking away at God-only-knows-what. The trio looked at the other trio and could only ask..... "What?" ==================== Daria: "Originality is not something to be taken lightly. Sometimes it's great to do what no one else has done, but if you go too far, you just might lose your audience. *Brittany zips past Daria in her custom motorcycle with the frame shaped just like her* ....... With handlebars SHAPED like her pigtails! See? She's riding herself.......original yes, but in this field, it has to be funny as well, otherwise, who gives a shit? *Walks off-camera* Another original concept? Me and this Old Crow 45 I stole'd from McVicker back in the day. *Drinking sounds can be heard before she walks back on camera in the Rainbow Brite outfit* Nouw yu gyys owt ther whud jus' LUUUUUV ta' se me nekkid, whudn't ya?! Well, eyev gat sumefun fer *deep-belch* FER YUUU!!" *Static* TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES FOR GOD'S SAKE, PLEASE STAND BY *Static* *Trent is sitting at a table with a toaster* Trent: "Oh hey. Ummm, I really don't work here. I just.......I just like toast." *Static* TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES I WISH I WAS DEAD. JUST FUCKING SHOOT ME! *Static* *Jane is shown again, but her hair is messed up quite a bit, and there's blood stains all over her coat the intercom is playing over an old scene* =============== It was a long night at the Lane residence, too long, apparently, as Trent opened the door to Jane's room and woke her up, briefly. Jane: What? It's 4 in the morning. Trent: Nothing, nothing at all. Jane: As long as you're up, did you hear a noise somewhere in the house? Trent: No. Nothing. Jane: Oh. Goodie, my brain's playing "What's that noise?" with me again. Trent: Exactly, it had nothing to do with me molesting your cat. Goodnight. *Trent closes the door, only Jane's eyes can be seen, and she's now squinting in terror* =============== Jane: "You know? That one still gives me nightmares.......but one thing that ALWAYS raises MY spirits is something new and classy! So to close this out, let's check out something new from the R&D!" . . . . . . . . . . ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 100. Humor at it's lowest, that's why it's funny. :-) ========================================================================== ================================100.======================================= ========================================================================== Scene: A sunny park. Kevin is walking on the sidewalk, whistling to himself and singing all the jolly way. Kevin: "I was strolling through the park one daaaaaay, in the merry month of maaaaay.....*Hits a fork in the walk* when I was taken by surprise by a pair of gorgeous eyyyyyes.......'scuse me a second, folks." *Kevin walks down one path for a second, off-camera. A female blood-curdling scream can be heard. Kevin returns and starts walking down the other path with a pair of severed eyeballs dangling off his finger.* Voice *Off-camera*: "OMG! BRITTANY!!! AAUUGGHHHHH!!!!" Kevin: "I was strolling through the park one daaaaay........" ========================================================================== ==================================THE END================================= ========================================================================== The Paperpusher Message Board can be found at http://www.thepaperpusher.net under "Creative Writing" The classic forum threads can be found at http://www.glitterberries.com/tidbits.html