Celebrity Jeopardy: Daria Edition
Episode 1: “Breasts of Burden”

by Derek

Legal “anal bum cover”: Daria and all associated characters are property of MTV/Viacom.   Saturday Night Live is property of NBC.  Neither is used with any permission whatsoever.  What are you going to do, sue me? (Just kidding!)


Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy: Daria Edition.  Unfortunately, Daria herself was unable to be on the show due to a prior commitment with another fanfic writer. Let’s meet our contestants.

In third place, with a record negative $512,400, is Kevin Thompson.  I didn’t know you could even score that low.

Kevin: Hey man, I can do anything.  I’m the QB!

Trebek: Fantastic.  Moving on, in first place with negative $33,500, is Jake Morgendorffer.

Jake: Damn you Mad Dog!  This is all your fault!  I wanted to compete in the school spelling bee, but you wouldn’t let me!  “Real men don’t compete in thinking contests”!  Well I’ve shown you, old man!  I’m on a game show, and it’s a lot more prestigious than the spelling bee!

Trebek: [stares in shock at Jake for several moments before recovering]  And in second place, with negative $40,300 [ sighs and pauses for a moment ] Sean Connery.

Connery: Fancy meeting you again, Trebek.  Did you miss me?

Trebek: No.  How the hell did you get on this show, anyway?

Connery: I wrote some Daria slashfic with me as her lover.  It made quite a ‘splash’ on the Sh33p’s Fluff.

Trebek: Oh no....

Connery: ‘Splash’, get it, Trebek?  Ha ha ha!

Trebek: That is totally disgusting.  [ After the audience laughter dies down ] Here are the categories: Potent Potables; Things That Are Purple - the answer to every question in this category is “purple”; Famous Lawndale High Football Players; Beasts Of Burden; Susan B. Anthony - I have no idea why that’s there; The Fashion Club; and finally, Musicals About Hurricanes.  Jake Morgendorffer, you’re in the lead, so you can pick first.

Jake: I’ll take Famous Lawndale High Football Players for $200.

Trebek: Brittany Taylor is this football player’s girlfriend.

[ Jake buzzes in ]

Trebek: Jake Morgendorffer.

Jake: Peyton Manning.

Trebek: No.

Jake: Gah dammit!!!

[ Kevin buzzes in ]

Trebek: Kevin Thompson.

Kevin: Tommy Sherman.

Trebek: No.  

Kevin: Aw, man!

[ Connery buzzes in]

Trebek: Sean Connery.

Connery: Brittany went out with me a few times.  She really enjoyed the back seat of my car. [ audience laughter ]

Trebek: Wonderful, but wrong.  The correct answer is Kevin Thompson.  Kevin, how could you get a question about yourself wrong?

Kevin: Uh, Albert Einstein?

Trebek: Whatever.  Jake Morgendorffer, you still have the board.

Jake: I’ll take Things That Are Purple for $400.

Trebek: Lynn Cullen’s jacket is this color.

[ Jake buzzes in ]

Trebek: Jake Morgendorffer.

Jake: Green.

Trebek: No.  Green is the color of Daria’s jacket.  Somebody else?

[ Long pause as no one buzzes in.  Finally, the time-out buzzer sounds ]

Trebek: Kevin Thompson...

Kevin: I’m the QB!

Trebek [ after a pause ]: Would you like to pick a category?

Kevin: Um, no?

Trebek: Sean Connery?

Connery: I’ll take Breasts Of Burden for $400. [ audience laughter ]

Trebek [ Looks in shock at the board, where an ‘r’ with an arrow pointing to between the ‘B’ and ‘e’ in Beasts has been drawn with a black marker.  Then he looks at Connery, who’s holding up a marker and laughing ] Where did you get the marker?  We gave you a full-body cavity search when you came in here.

Connery: I had Jake smuggle it in for me.

Trebek: Let’s just move on to Final Jeopardy.  The category is: Daria Fanfic Authors.  And the question is: write down the name of a Daria fanfic writer.  [ as the Jeopardy music plays ] It can be anyone who writes Daria fanfic.  Just write down the name of a Daria fanfic author.  [ after music ends ]  Let’s see how you managed to screw this up.  Kevin Thompson wrote: [ Kevin’s screen appears, with “ I’m the QB ” written on the lower half ] “I’m the QB”. [ screen disappears ]

Kevin: Everybody digs the QB, man!

Trebek: And you wagered: [ Kevin’s screen appears again, with “I’m the QB” written on both halves ] “I’m the QB”.[ screen disappears ]  Brilliant.  Jake Morgendorffer, you wrote: [ Jake’s screen appears, with “ William Shakespeare” written on the lower half ] “William Shakespeare”.  [ screen disappears ]

Jake: He wrote fanfic, didn’t he?

Trebek: Shakespeare died centuries before fanfic came into existence.

Jake: Dammit!

Trebek: And you wagered: [ Jake’s screen appears again, with “$1,000,000” written above Jake’s answer ] “$1,000,000”. [ screen disappears ] At least you aim high.   And let’s see what Sean Connery wrote.  [ Connery’s screen appears, with “Ronin” written on the lower half ] “Ronin”.  Why am I not surprised?

Connery: Ha ha ha!

Trebek: Unfortunately, that was a correct answer, so you win the game.  That’s all the time we have for today.  Hopefully, there won’t be a next time.

Connery: Now just a second, Trebek.  You haven’t seen what I wagered yet.

Trebek: And I don’t want to.  

Connery: I bet the audience does.  [ He holds up his board.   “Trebek loves” is written above “Ronin” . ]

Trebek: That does it.  [ He grabs the board and smashes it over Connery’s head ] I’ve been wanting to do that for years.  Goodnight.