Deadpan Master

A Fanfic by DJW, all Daria Characters are © of MTV, Viacom and…what the hell you all know how this goes, the show belongs to who it belongs to, same with the characters except mine…they belong to me.

“Deadpan Master”

The precursor to the ‘Once Upon a Time in Lawndale’ saga; After her parents learn about her Tai Chi lessons Daria has to come to terms with the fact that not only is she doing something extracurricular but that she is actually good at it, not to mention enjoying it, her situation is not improved by everyone acting strange at the mere mention of Tom’s cooking…

…………………………………………………………….

Cue usual opening

(ACT 1)

(SCENE: Lawndale High gym, the entirety of the martial arts class[1] is stood in rows clad in their gym clothes with Clovis stood on a podium in front clad in a black kung-fu suit doing various drills while ‘Under the Generals Orders’ plays on as normal, the students are doing the same moves while Tom is stood at the back with a notepad copying the moves between taking notes, during this Principal Li walks in and clears her throat)

LI: (Raising her voice) Mr Daniels may I have a word?

CLOVIS: (stopping mid kick and speaking slightly irritated) Yes what is it? And by the way it’s LEE-Daniels,

LI: (Annoyed) In private if you would be so kind,

CLOVIS: Well if I must I must (looks and sees most of the class straining to maintain the kick) oh for the…ok everyone class dismissed (he lowers his leg to visible sighs of relief as most of the class lower their legs as well, those who don’t fall over as they try) Tom start the special class lesson plan there’s a good fellow.

(As the students mill about Clovis walks over to the doorway and motions for Principal Li to go first in the type of extreme politeness reserved only for those you have utter contempt for, as she leaves he follows and Tom is left to look at the remaining 8 students nervously)

TOM: (weakly) Lesson plan? We have a lesson plan?

(Fade out)

(SCENE: the same room only 20 minutes later, the special class are stood around talking in their own groups as Tom holds a backpack in one arm and is reading from his notepad in the other at the end of the room, we focus on Daria and Jane who are both sat cross legged as they talk in a corner)

JANE: so you up for pizza after whatever torture our ‘honourable master’ has in store for us today?

DARIA: Sure, although I do have to be back in time for my parents to give me the 3^rd degree about any plans for the night,

JANE: Huh?

DARIA: Ever since last weekend they’ve been a little… who am I kidding they’ve been the same as always except ever since Quinn found herself a maths tutor…

JANE: Another one? Poor damned soul.

DARIA: Yes, woe be to that poor bastard who cost me the 25 bucks I was scamming off her, since then the parents have been putting more attention on me, the sad thing is I think I kind of preferred it when they barely acknowledged my existence.

JANE: I guess the grass really is greener on the other side, speaking of plans have you and young Thomas planned another magical mystery tour?

DARIA: (gives Jane a ‘go to hell’ look before speaking) actually we decided to go for something basic and are gonna watch movies at his house, he should have his car fixed by then.

JANE: (Smirking and in a mock over emotional voice) Oh how romantic, so he’s not going to try wining and dining you at a fancy restaurant first?

DARIA: Actually he said he’d cook tonight…What?

(Jane is looking at Daria with a mixture of shock, amusement and pity)

JANE: Oh nothing…I’m certain you’ll find Tom’s cooking to be an…experience.

JANE VO: Poor girl never stood a chance.

(Daria is about to respond when a somewhat haggard looking Clovis walks in and heads up to Tom who is looking a tiny bit nervous)

DARIA: The poor guy looks like he just saw the devil himself.

JANE: Isn’t that principal Li’s office he came out of?

DARIA: Even worse. So you and your ‘boyfriend’ got any plans for tonight?

JANE: (giving Daria a dirty look) He is NOT my boyfriend, and anyway he’s just coming with me and Danny Moreno to see about a possible gig.

(The two walk over to the rest of the group who are now stood around Clovis and Tom)

CLOVIS: (scarily calm) Tom dear boy, I know it’s asking a lot but when I told you to start the lesson I expected on my return to have seen the class doing roughly what I had written down, however I see that in your infinite wisdom you have decided to allow them to stand around doing sod all, care to explain?

TOM: (frankly) Gladly, I can’t understand a word you’ve written.

CLOVIS: (Taken aback) Huh?

TOM: Clovis allow me a turn to elucidate.

CLOVIS: If you must but it can cause blindness.

TOM: (rolling his eyes) unlike you I’m afraid that my understanding of the written word is sadly mono-linguistic and limited to the English language, meaning I cannot read you’re notes which I’m sure make perfect sense to you seeing as you happen to be fluent in, Japanese, Korean, Thai, Chinese…Cantonese AND Mandarin, Malaysian, Taiwanese, English, and have a smattering of Indian[2].

CLOVIS: Bananas…(Shaking his head with a look of confusion) sorry I see you’re point, I’ll try and keep the writing in one language from now on, (turning to the group) Anyways I guess we should get started, today I am going to be introducing you to some of my friends.

(We move to behind Clovis as he opens the bag on Toms arm and removes a large rolled up piece of cloth, he hands it to Tom who holds it in both hand while Clovis undoes the thread holding it and it opens, falling to the floor to the shocked expressions of the students)

CLOVIS: (shift to a face shot) Today’s lesson, Weaponry. (Zoom out to show that the cloth contains a veritable arsenal of hand-to-hand weapons secured to it) Isn’t this going to be fun?

(Montage plays to ‘Weapon of Choice’ by Fatboy Slim; each shot is of one of the group using a weapon with a VO)

Shot 1:

(SCENE: Tom is using a triple sectioned staff, holding an end in each hand he makes a series of strikes using them,)

CLOVIS VO: As you can see Tom uses this weapon based around his own adaptable style, he can change from individual strikes like so, but when needed he can change,

(Tom quickly clicks the three sections together and twists so they lock into a regular staff, he twirls it in his arms) like so into a solid striking tool, and if needed it can change again into a more flexible method.

(Tom opens the staff into sections again and holds one end only swinging it around like a whip before slamming it to the ground suddenly as we cut to the next shot.)

Shot 2:

(SCENE: Clovis is kneeling on the ground with a sheathed Katana tied to his side)

TOM VO: The Katana is often viewed as one of if not THE most graceful and deadliest weapon ever made, (Clovis bows to the floor before standing up) There are 4 steps to the proper use of a katana, Step One, the drawing of the blade (Clovis slowly unsheathes the sword and holds it over his head taking it in both hands before lowing it for the blade to be between his eyes) Step Two is the swing itself (Clovis swings the sword in the blink of an eye as he steps forward) ‘One Hit One Kill’ is the old samurai motto, the Third Step is the shaking the blood off of the blade (Clovis swings the sword out to his other side and twitches it lightly) treat the weapon as an extension of yourself, respect it and it shall respect you, the Fourth and Final Step is the returning of the sword to its sheath (Clovis slides the blade along the sheath before gently returning it) of course you cannot always rely on ceremony and now and then the best way to use a sword is to just keep swinging until the opponent stops moving,

(At this Clovis suddenly draws the sword and goes into a flurry of slashes and stabs cutting the screen to go to…)

Shot 3:

(SCENE: Evan is seen holding a Tonfa in each hand, they are similar in appearance to Side-arm truncheons, he uses them in forearm-based strikes and also jabs out by flipping the long end to facing forwards)

CLOVIS VO: Evan Farmer, these Tonfa will complement your kickboxing skills, use them to attack and defend, as well as draw attention away from your true strengths, your feet. (Evan block an imaginary punch before kicking and alternating between defence and offence) Also given that we are also teaching you Monkey Fist they shall be an interesting addition to that styles unpredictability (Evan changes stance to that mimicking a monkey, striking like one with his hands and feet while still holding his weapons sometimes throwing the Tonfa in the air and punching or kicking before catching it, Evan then finishes with a spinning kick as we move to the next shot.)

Shot 4:

(SCENE: Ted has a quarterstaff in his hands, it is held so the end not near his hands rests on the ground)

TOM VO: Ted Dewitt-Clinton a staff is one of the simplest weapons but that doesn’t make it any less dangerous, as you begin to swing it (Ted does so, swinging it around on one side and then switching it to the next and so forth) then the momentum will build until released (Ted strikes the ground) and given the length of the weapon you can keep an opponent at a safe distance and off their feet (Ted strikes the staff on the ground repeatedly where an opponents feet might be as he advances) and given your existing Tae-Kwon Do skills, you can speak softly, carry a big stick, and let your feet do the talking

(Ted uses the stick to vault forwards in a kick, landing on the ground he spins on his back up onto his feet using the staff to hold back any would be attackers, as he makes it to his feet we change to…)

Shot 5:

(SCENE: Stacy has in her hands a pair of Sai, they are held so the handles point out and the tip of the blade rests lightly near the top of her forearm)

CLOVIS VO: Stacy Rowe, for you these Sai shall be the best bet, their key use is as stabbing tools (she flips the blades outwards and does a series of stabbing motions) but when you don’t want to take a life…or answer questions from the police, they can be used as the old fashioned blunt instrument (still holding them she begins swinging instead of stabbing) and of course those handles are more than fancy decoration and can be used to trap and ensnare an opponents weapon or hand, and worse case scenario you can lob it at someone.

(Stacy throws the two Sai which judder in the wall as the embed themselves, we pan along to show they are quite close to a nervous looking Clovis)

Shot 6:

(SCENE: Quinn has a pair of butterfly knives in her hands)

TOM VO: Quinn Morgendorffer, the butterfly knives you wield are more than just a pretty name, the idea of float like a butterfly and sting like a bee applies here (Quinn moves in very graceful motions that are still sudden,) Keep up this pretence and an opponent is sorry they underestimated you (she finishes swinging the knives around to stop in a theatrical looking pose.)

Shot 7:

(SCENE: Mack has a Chinese broadsword in each hand)

CLOVIS VO: Michael Jordan Mackenzie you’re a big man with a lot of strength behind those arms, keep those up with the speed you can move at and you can release a veritable whirlwind of blades (Mack begins to spin the swords in a series of slices and swings) control of this is the key, you need to keep the blades going at such a pace that an opponent cannot keep up, wear them down until you see an opening, and then go for it.

(Mack suddenly stops spinning and thrusts the blades forwards with considerable force; anyone he was aiming at would become a living kebab)

Shot 8:

(SCENE: Jodie is stood with a fan open in one hand and the other behind her back, round her waist is a long skirt over her own that comes to her ankles)

TOM VO: Jodie Landon, although it may not look like much the fan is a useful weapon in the right hands, hidden in plain sight a fan with concealed blades can be deadly, even a regular fan is formidable if used right. (Jodie gracefully manoeuvres the fan in the direction of an imaginary opponents throat, then with a flick of the wrist snaps it shut and begins to prod and strike using what is now basically a small wooden baton) Also the skirt adds to the idea of concealment, the ‘skirt leg’ technique you have learned can make blocking very difficult, as we all know that you cannot fight what you cannot see.

(The hand behind her back suddenly swings round grabbing the skirt and flicking it up so it billows out blocking any view below her waist as she lets out a series of kicks before we move to the next shot.)

Shot 9:

(Jane has a nunchaku in each hand; they are ‘closed’ meaning that both ends are held in the palm)

CLOVIS VO: Nunchaku, a weapon of choice of Bruce Lee so we can assume he knew what he was doing cant we Jane Lane? Whenever using them, the idea of using two gives an illusion of out of control whirling sticks of death (Jane begins to swing them around swiftly) However that is not their best use (she catches each one in her armpit while the other end is in her hand) the key to using two at once is to be precise and quick to strike where it would drop an opponent quickest (she starts to flick her hands causing the Nunchaku to fly out suddenly and come back just as quick, obviously they would do some damage if they hit anything, after this she resumes spinning) of course you need to keep control or there is always the risk of…(Jane hits herself in the head with one and staggers back) That,

(Jane falls backwards with a dazed grin on her face as the scene ends.)

Shot 10:

(Daria has a Tai Chi sword in her right hand, she is in a typical Tai Chi stance and her eyes are closed and her breathing controlled)

TOM VO: Tai Chi, often referred to as the ballet martial art, although this is a common misconception as Daria Morgendorffer knows, the key to Tai Chi is its form as a soft style (Daria begins to slowly move the sword in slow smooth motions always keeping her breathing in check) although the ability to go from soft to hard is a key advantage of the style, add the fact you are holding what boils down to a long sharp piece of metal then this takes on a more pointed meaning (Daria now goes into a series of sudden swings and strikes, moving in a dance like manner, stopping with the sword held out) the essence of Tai Chi is the careful control of your infernal…

CLOVIS VO: (interrupting) Internal you Prat.

TOM VO: sorry, your internal energy, it boils down to conserving your strength while wasting your opponents.

(Daria does one last series of swings before holding the sword behind her back, vertically against her arm so the point ends just above her shoulder)

CLOVIS VO: Well you all seem to have gotten the hang of these so lets call it day, what?

(This ends the montage and the scene fades out.)

(SCENE: the pizza place, Daria and Jane are in their usual seats with a slice each before them, Jane is looking annoyed with a band-aid on her forehead while Daria looks on with an amused smirk)

DARIA: Come on its not like you’re the first person this has happened to.

JANE: (irked) Can it Morgendorffer, (returning to normal) sorry, guess I’m just embarrassed, out of the whole group I was the only one to incapacitate myself during the training.

DARIA: I dunno, Quinn’s little friend nearly turned Clovis into a dartboard, now that was mildly entertaining.

JANE: True, I mean if you can’t laugh at your friends near death experiences then what’s the point?

(The two sit in silence for a while eating, after a while Jane starts again)

JANE: anyway you don’t have to worry about that, you seem to have mastered the style, although I suppose the term mistress would be more appropriate but using that word with you gives me scary images.

DARIA: (After looking at Jane confused for a while) Jane what in the hell are you talking about now?

JANE: Well I just get images of dungeons and…

DARIA: (interrupting VERY quickly) That’s not what I meant.

JANE: Oh…well I just noticed that you seem to be taking this Tai Chi thing seriously, normally whenever our esteemed principal (obviously trying to keep a straight face while saying that) comes up with some sort of scheme then you either sabotage it or push other people into having it stopped…so what gives?

DARIA: Well for one thing I want to see what happens when it gets out that the same principal who was once accused of allowing mercenaries to hold a recruitment drive at her school is now teaching various students hand to hand combat.

JANE: (not entirely convinced) uh-huh…and it has nothing to do with the fact that you’re actually enjoying something that could be classified as extracurricular…and physical activity.

DARIA: (with just a hint of nervousness) I have no idea what you’re talking about…I am not enjoying learning Tai Chi, I do not like the fact that I am being taught by a psychopath with a British accent and my boyfriend, there is no way in hell I get any form of enjoyment out of this whatsoever…at all…none…nuh-uh…never…

(Jane just sits there smirking as Daria trails off realising she has been defeated)

DARIA: Oh God what have I become?

(She lets her head fall onto the table as the fade to the usual pre-commercial montage, this time it is just extracts from the weapons montage).)

…………………………………………………………….

Commercial

(SCENE: A blank screen, after a few seconds we hear…)

DARIA VO: “When I look back I realised that it all began and ended with one thing, an idea, the idea of fighting for what you believe in, we all had our reasons…”

(The following text appears on screen while ‘Under the Generals Orders’ plays)

‘Once Upon a Time in Lawndale’

Coming Soon

Stay tuned for more information.

…………………………………………………………….

(ACT 2)

(SCENE: what looks like a garage of considerable size, various car-shaped objects are covered in sheets around the area, Tom’s jaguar is in the middle of the room with Wasabi looking under the hood and a pair of sneakers belonging to ‘JD’ stick out from under the car, Tom is leaning against a wall trying not to get in the way.)

TOM: Thanks for doing this for me guys, I owe you both, don’t know what I’d do without you two sometimes,

JD OS: (jokingly) buy a decent car perhaps?

TOM: Very funny, by the way, how long do you think till its up and running again? Only I need it tonight.

WASABI: (closing the hood and wiping his hands with a rag) well I’m sure we can have it sorted by then, anyways if we can’t get her up and running I can give you a lift on my way, I need to stop at the Morgendorffer house anyway, I now have a job as a maths tutor…not entirely sure how.

TOM: Thanks Waz, that’s would be great, oh that reminds me I need to call Daria (leaning under the car) hey ‘JD’ you mind if I use your phone?

JD OS: Knock yourself out, why? The two of you got something special planned?

TOM: (As he leaves the room) not really, just going to watch some movies at my place…oh yeah and I said I’d cook.

(Wasabi looks in shock at the closing door while there is the sound of falling metal from under the car while ‘JD’s sneakers twitch, after a few seconds he pushes himself out from under the car on a small trolley, his glasses are on askew and he has oil on his face coupled with a similar expression to his friend.)

JD: did he just say…

WASABI: (cont.) …that he’d cook?

(Wasabi throws the rag to ‘JD’ who wipes his face as he walks around the room)

JD: Poor girl, what has she done to deserve that?

WASABI: I think he does it as a sort of test, if a girl is willing to see him again after hopefully living through one of his meals then I guess he figures he’s on to something.

(Wasabi looks at the blank stare ‘JD’ is giving him)

WASABI: Its just a suggestion, it could just be that he has absolutely no idea how bad a cook he actually is?

JD: True, I mean denial is a strong thing, remember how he decided that his first girlfriend was only after his money rather than accept she didn’t want to die of salt poison from that soup he made?

WASABI: yeah… but she WAS only dating him for his money.

JD: (annoyed) that’s besides the point, (taking out a wrench) anyway we cannot allow him to put that poor girl through that, she doesn’t deserve it, (he gets a somewhat thoughtful look as he continues) she’s too smart…intelligent…attractive…

(‘JD’ is cut off by a gunshot knocking the wrench out of his hand, we pan along to show Wasabi with a smoking gun in his hand)

WASABI: (blows the smoke away before speaking in his best Samuel L Jackson imitation voice) Oh I’m sorry, did I break your concentration?

(Fade out on a terrified looking ‘JD’)

(SCENE: The Morgendorffer house, in the living room the phone is ringing)

QUINN OS: I’ll get it.

(Quinn walks in from the kitchen and answers the phone)

QUINN: Hello?

(Split screen to show Tom)

TOM: I’m guessing that’s you Quinn…that or Daria has been taking helium.

QUINN: (rolling her eyes) hello Tom, I’m afraid Daria can’t come to the phone right now, Mom and Dad are grilling her about her plans for the night, if you want I could leave a message and…(there is a muffled bang sound from the phone) was that a gunshot?

WASABI OS: (faintly audible) Oh I’m sorry, did I break your concentration?

TOM: figures…tell you what, just tell Daria I’ll call back OK?

QUINN: Sure…and say hi to Waz for me.

(Tom looks confused as Quinn hangs up the phone)

QUINN: and now back to listening in on Daria, being hassled by Mom and Dad is a lot more fun when it’s happening to someone else.

(Fade out)

(SCENE: back at ‘JD’s garage, ‘JD’ is still stood frozen while Wasabi has a gun in his hand, as Tom runs in Wasabi hides the gun and gives a look at ‘JD’ which says roughly ‘say anything and die’)

TOM: Guys I heard a noise, what happened?

WASABI: It was nothing, just a problem with the carburettor right ‘JD’?

JD: Huh? Oh yeah, the carburettor…big problem,

TOM: Oh I see…is that why there is a wrench embedded in the windshield?

(Wasabi and ‘JD’ both turn and look at the car, true indeed a wrench is embedded, shatters in the glass spread out from it throughout the windshield)

WASABI & JD: Yes.

(Tom just looks at them for a few moments before shrugging)

TOM: Its no doubt best if I don’t know what happened, anyways I have to get back and start cooking, Wasabi I’ll take you up on your offer of a lift later on, see you both later…oh yeah and Quinn says hi.

(Wasabi nods as Tom leaves, then he turns back to ‘JD’ and doesn’t bother hiding the gun anymore)

WASABI: Now where were we? Oh yes I do believe you had begun making plans involving Toms girlfriend.

JD: (slightly less nervous but still unsettled) I don’t know what you’re talking about…I think you’re getting paranoid again…

WASABI: Don’t give me that paranoia BS, you know for fact I don’t GET paranoid…I AM paranoid…but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong, I know that look you got when talking about her, it’s the same one you get whenever you go after someone who has a boyfriend. And I will not let you try and steal Daria away from Tom…besides she would no doubt kill you for even trying.

JD: (trying to find at least some high ground) Oh come on, she stole him from her best friend.

WASABI: (getting pissed off) Dammit ‘JD’ that doesn’t make it right, we don’t even know that was the case…and if you so much as try anything then so help me I’ll…

JD: You’ll what? Wasabi I know you, you wont shoot a friend, sure you threaten us but you wont ever actually pull the trigger.

WASABI: (sighing) you’re right, be glad about that (getting an evil little smile on his face) however… if I learn you ever do try anything, I will turn the matter over to Clovis, and you know he will make that incident with the penguin seem like a walk in the park.

JD: ……Damn, all right you win; I’ll leave her alone. Heh, it’s a good thing I have you to keep me on the straight and narrow huh?

WASABI: Damn right, I’m glad we had this little talk, anyways I need to get back and clean up, if I have to tutor someone on maths then I don’t want to be looking like a grease monkey.

(Wasabi heads out as we fade out on ‘JD’ as he shows that thoughtful look again.)

(SCENE: the Morgendorffer kitchen, Helen and Jake are sat at one end of the table while Daria is on the other, Quinn is stood near the fridge trying to be inconspicuous)

HELEN: So sweetie what plans do you have for tonight?

DARIA: Oh me and Tom where just going to hop into his fathers jet and fly off to Paris to see about buying the Eiffel tower.

JAKE: Be sure to get a good price for it kiddo.

(Daria looks surprised at her father while the phone begins to ring)

QUINN: I’ll get it.

(She walks out while Helen tries to restart the conversation)

HELEN: Daria all jokes aside what do you have planned? I don’t want to pry (Daria gives her a ‘yeah right’ look which is mirrored by Jake) but as your parents we have a right to know these things.

JAKE: We do? (Sees Helens glare) I mean sure we do…

DARIA: Look the two of us are just going to watch movies, after today’s lesson I need the break…(VO) Oh crap what have I said?

(Helen is about to jump on this before Quinn walks back in)

QUINN: Daria that was Tom, he said he would call back later.

DARIA: (relieved) thanks Quinn, well I’d love to stay and chat but I have to get ready.

(She leaves the room as quickly as possible while Helen looks at Quinn annoyed before turning to Jake)

HELEN: how did you know she was joking anyway?

JAKE: Hey Summer wasn’t a fluke you know…that and Angier owns a chopper instead of a jet…(looks at the dubious expression Helen has) What? I saw it on the golf course two weeks ago.

(Cue music montage, the phone ringing, ‘JD’ getting the wrench shot out his hand, Daria leaving the kitchen, and Jake and Helen talking at the table.)

…………………………………………………………….

Commercial:

(SCENE: a black screen again, ‘Battle without honour or humanity’ by Hideo Hotei[3] plays, the following words appear on screen)

COMING SOON:

THE FIRST FANFICFILM BY DJW

(A VO recognisable as DJW speaks)

DJW VO: ACTION.

(Next the following scenes are shown before returning to the blank screen)

(SCENE: Two silhouettes fighting on top of the Giant Strawberry in the middle of a thunderstorm, we cannot see who they are but only that one is male, the other female, lightning flashes but we cut before we see who the fighters are)

(SCENE: Daria wearing a green Tai Chi suit is using a Tai Chi sword for a very fast paced looking sword drill in the middle of a wood, dry leaves flowing in the air around her, she has her eyes closed and a tranquil expression, Jane and Tom watch from nearby)

(SCENE: Jane in an alley surrounded by thugs, throwing her red shirt to the ground she removes a pair of nunchaku from behind her back, when more thugs arrive she takes out a second pair and begins to spin them.)

(SCENE: Various students of Lawndale in what looks like a nightclub crowded in a ring around Tom and Kim; the ponytail RSW from ‘One Day is All I Ask’, the two seem to be sizing each other up before lunging at each other)

(SCENE: Principal Li making a speech before the assembled Lawndale High student body, behind her is a chalkboard with the words ‘TOURNAMENT’ at the top)

(SCENE: Clovis waiting at a bus stop, as the bus pulls up we see him look along to see a figure in a tweed jacket that steps in front of the camera)

(SCENE: Daria and Tom sat in the pizza place across from each other, they both seem to be bandaged in various places, neither seem to be saying anything, suddenly Daria grabs Tom and drags him across the table as she kisses him)

(SCENE: Daria, Jane, Jodie, Mack, Ted, Quinn, Stacy, Evan and Tom kneeling on the ground in a clearing as Clovis climbs up a flagpole, they look on as he unfurls a flag and drops to the ground)

(SCENE: Sandi in a Karate suit and Daria in her Tai Chi uniform fighting in the forest while a young Puerto-Rican man in a Fielding school varsity jacket calmly watches with a baseball bat slung over a shoulder, next to him is a nervous Quinn obviously unsure who to help, eventually she grabs the baseball bat and runs forwards)

(SCENE: Clovis wakes up in a bed apparently naked except for his cap, he looks around confused as he picks up a red shirt and then looks to his side stunned, then screams.)

(As the screen fades to black we hear)

DARIA VO: “When I look back I realised that it all began and ended with one thing, an idea, the idea of fighting for what you believe in, we all had our reasons…”

(Then the following words appear)

‘Once Upon A Time In Lawndale Vol. 1’

CLOVIS VO: I’m afraid this is merely the calm before the storm…we must prepare…

…………………………………………………………….

(ACT 3)

(SCENE: Daria’s room, she is sat at her bed reading, her free hand idly begins to move around doing small Tai Chi moves until she looks at it and stops)

DARIA: Stupid lessons…

(The phone ringing interrupts her, she marks her page and then answers it and we split screen to show Tom on the other end, his left hand is bandaged and his fringe has a small singe on the end.)

DARIA: Hi,

TOM: Hi Daria, you free for a few minutes?

DARIA: Lets check (she takes an air-horn out of her desk) stand clear the doors (she holds the phone as far away from herself as possible, on the other end we see Tom cover the ear piece and do the same, Daria fires the horn down the phone and from OS we hear Helens voice give off a yelp, Daria returns the phone to her head) that aught to do it, talk.

TOM: well my cars going to be ‘in the shop’ for another day or two until the windshield is fixed (Daria looks confused at this but shrugs it off) but Wasabi said he could drop you off when he comes to pick up Quinn in about half and hour (again Daria looks confused) so all I really need to know is if there is anything specific you want to eat…and what else was it? (Looks at a note) oh yeah, do you have any allergies?

DARIA: Anything but lasagne or pizza will do…and not that I’m aware of…

TOM: Perfect, I’ll see you soon, oh yeah, any preferences for movies?

DARIA: no Kung Fu that’s for sure although I don’t mind subtitles if I have to, something light but with a plot I suppose to unwind, although I’m not above a scary movie or mindless action movie as long as its suitably not well-done.

TOM: How about leaving it open?

DARIA: It sounds like a start I suppose, any dress code I should adhere to?

TOM: Just that you wear clothes…(mischievously) I’m not saying you have to but it would prevent answering questions from anyone I suppose.

DARIA: (rolling her eyes) don’t get your hopes up, See you then.

TOM: Bye,

(He hangs up and the split screen ends, Daria goes over to her desk and puts away the air-horn, and then takes out a small box and removes her pendant before putting it on)

DARIA: (Deadpan to the mirror) there…I’m dressed up.

(Jake knocks and then enters)

JAKE: Say kiddo, you wouldn’t happen to know why your mother is on the floor in the living room whimpering do you?

(Fade out on the Mona Lisa smile.)

(SCENE: a montage of Tom trying to cook, trying being the key word, we see him opening the oven and looking at something, his face turns to a look of terror as he hits the deck, something explodes and flies over his head, he looks to see an oven tray roll past him and shakes his head, next we see him turning the page of a cook book before putting something in the microwave, shortly after we see him emptying a fire extinguisher over the microwave we then see him looking at the book and finding he turned over 2 pages at once, next we move to him stood over a pan of something, he takes a spoonful and sips it, now we move to a POV at the back of a medicine cabinet, it opens to show Tom looking in, he reaches for a box of something but glances at a small bottle of pills at the back and shuts the cabinet without taking anything, a few seconds later he opens it again only slightly green and grabs the box before slamming the cabinet, finally we see Tom stood near a pan like it could explode, and lets face it from what we seen it may very well, when he looks at the contents he grins and walks out the kitchen, blissfully oblivious to the fact that the kitchen looks like the remnants of a nuclear bomb site.)

(SCENE: again in the Morgendorffer kitchen, Daria is again sat at one end of the table while Helen and Jake are at the other end, Helen is twiddling a finger in one ear over and over again, from the looks of things Daria has been made to explain something.)

DARIA: …so you see our principal has decided in her infinite wisdom to institute martial arts lessons, meaning not only is our school releasing idiots into the wild but is teaching them how to fight as well. And I kinda sorta wound up in the advanced class…

JAKE: self defence lessons? That’s great kiddo, good for you.

DARIA: Excuse me?

JAKE: Back in military school I signed up for a few Defendo[4] classes…(smugly) made Black Beret as well…one of the few things I should thank Mad Dog for right honey?

HELEN: (shouting) WHAT?

JAKE: How long is she going to be doing that kiddo?

DARIA: That should wear off soon Dad.

HELEN: WHAT?

DARIA: I said …oh never mind.

HELEN: Mines a brown one please…

(The two just stare at her for a while before Jake resumes talking)

JAKE: Anyway Daria if you enjoy these lessons then you should keep it up, we Morgendorffers are natural warriors…just try not to kill anyone until you’ve moved to college.

(Daria stares at him before he winks at her, she gives the Mona Lisa smile before here is a knock at the door)

JAKE: I’ll get that,

HELEN: WHAT?

(Jake heads off screen and we fade out to the next scene.)

(SCENE: the front door, it is opened by Jake to find Wasabi stood there, Jake stares at him for a few moments before finally shouting)

JAKE: Quinn your…date is here?

WASABI: Close, actually I’m here to take Quinn to her tutoring session and Tom sent me to take Daria to her date.

JAKE: (surprised and slightly relieved) Oh, that’s great, (shouting) Quinn, Daria erm…(turning to Wasabi) who should I say is calling?

WASABI: My name is Wasabi; just say I’m here to take them where they need to go.

(Jake is about to when he turns to see both Daria and Quinn stood there already,)

QUINN: thanks daddy, hi Waz sorry to keep you waiting, let’s go.

(Quinn passes Jake before he really gets a chance to say anything)

DARIA: I’ll call when I’m on my way back Dad, try to keep Mom from going too crazy once she recovers would you?

JAKE: Sure Kiddo, I’m sure I can find something to fly off the handle about to keep her occupied. Have fun.

(Daria looks at her father with a mix of confusion and pride before heading to the car)

WASABI: Bye Mr Morgendorffer I’ll get them there in one piece.

(As he walks to the car Jake stands there for a while before tuning to go back in)

JAKE: He sure did look pretty young to be a chauffer…

(And on that we fade out.)

(SCENE: the outside of the Sloane household, Wasabi’s car pulls up outside and Daria steps out)

WASABI: From now on your on your own, good luck (as the car pulls away) believe me you’ll need it.

(Daria looks at this puzzled before going up to knock on the door, before she does it is opened to reveal Elsie in her coat preparing to leave)

ELSIE: Ah, hey Daria, one second (turns to shout inside) Tom your ‘victim’ has arrived, I’ll be back later if you need help disposing of the body…

(Turns to Daria who is raising an eyebrow)

DARIA: Elsie, don’t take this the wrong way but am I to assume that there is something that people aren’t telling me, isn’t there?

(Elsie is about to respond when the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs rather quickly stops her, these are followed shortly by Tom coming barrelling out the door, tripping on the bottom step and flying past the two, he springs to his feet right in front of Daria)

TOM: (trying to be causal despite the nosedive he made) Daria hi, come on in, thanks Elsie you can go now to wherever it is you’re planning.

ELSIE: Whatever, I just want to be out the house when Mom and Dad get back.

(Elsie leaves while Daria continues to look confused before shrugging and walking in as we fade out)

(SCENE: a dark room, dark because the lights are out, we hear a voice from what we assume is the direction of the door)

WASABI OS: one second, (sound of a key turning in a lock) I don’t trust Cinnamon getting in here while I’m out.

QUINN OS: Cinnamon?

WASABI OS: My little sister…well half sister, seems my mothers idea of naming me after a foodstuff appealed to my father, now it’s a family tradition.

(The door opens and two figures, obviously Wasabi and Quinn walk in)

QUINN OS: Oh, so you have some stuff you want to keep her away from then? Like a diary or something you don’t want her messing with?

(The lights go on and we see the lair of Wasabi for the first time, on the wall of the door is a variety of Anime memorabilia, posters and models as well as a large bookshelf of Manga, the main centrepiece is a full size ‘Guyver’ costume similar to the one from the movie ‘Guyver; Dark Hero’ stood in glass case, on the next wall is a bunch of random objects including several skateboards, an Electric guitar, his trench-coat on a hanger, a bookshelf of various things, a TV and games console, and lastly a pile of folios stacked next to a sign simply labelled ‘plans’ on a desk with his computer, a hammock is hanging from the ceiling, however none of this has Quinn’s attention, it is the other two walls given that they are a large rack containing guns and lots of them)

WASABI: A little like that, yes.

QUINN: Wow…and I thought Daria’s room was weird.

(Wasabi is calmly removing a gun from his shirt before unloading it and putting it with the others, Quinn walks over to the rack and looks a little nervous at the variety of guns)

WASABI: I admit it is a little cluttered…(Suddenly shouting) DON’T TOUCH THAT!

QUINN: EEP (drops the shotgun she was holding as Wasabi dives to catch it) Sorry, is it expensive or loaded or something?

WASABI: (carefully examining the gun) Not that I know off, I keep all ammo in a safe under the floorboards, but there is always a chance I could have forgotten to unload.

(Quinn stares at him trying to figure out what to make of this)

WASABI: What? If you’re going to be a paranoid gun nut then you may as well be a responsible paranoid gun nut.

QUINN: (shrugging) I suppose that makes sense, anyways about the maths tutoring.

WASABI: right, pull up a chair (he sits on the hammock after taking a few books from his shelf) and let us begin.

(Fade out on the two studying, with Quinn now and then nervously glancing at the artillery while Wasabi doesn’t seem to notice)

(SCENE: Tom’s room, Daria is sat on the bed looking through a selection of movies, Tom walks in carrying a tray containing 2 plates covered by those fancy silver things what I cannot remember the names of, cutlery, glasses, a bottle of soda, and what looks like it once was a single red rose although it is now somewhat charred)

TOM: And dinner is served, sorry about the wait.

DARIA: that’s…(sees the charred rose) fine, erm, if you don’t mind me asking then…

TOM: (seeing what she is looking at) oh, well it seemed like a good idea at the time, problem is I forgot to turn off the hob as I was loading up the tray and…

DARIA: Actually its probably best if I don’t know, (taking the plate from Tom) so what do you plan on inflicting on me tonight? Lobster, caviar, fugue…

(She is cut off by Tom lifting the…. whatever its called to reveal what looks like a plate of spaghetti Bolognese)

TOM: Voila, its nothing fancy but I’ve learned its one of the few things I can make successfully. That and I ran out of other ingredients after…its best if I don’t say more.

DARIA: Agreed.

(Tom pours the soda into the two glasses and hands one to Daria, as she takes it he stops and looks at something for a few seconds)

DARIA: Tom? If your staring at my neck because you want to sink your teeth into it and drink the still warm blood from my veins then at least can it wait till after I’ve eaten?

TOM: Huh? Oh sorry, just noticing you where wearing that pendant…

DARIA: (deadpan) I figured the occasion required I make an effort, (returning to normal) although I am amazed at the coincidence, I used to have one just like it.

TOM: (laughing nervously and scratching the back of his head[5]) Actually its more than coincidence, I heard you mention it while I was in the changing room in Starfield[6], that and remember that date I arrived early for and you weren’t home yet? Well I failed to evade your parents and they ended up showing me several photo albums…

DARIA: Suddenly that glazed look you had the rest of the night makes a lot more sense.

TOM: Exactly, I’m just grateful you where able to save me before they broke out the slides or the home movies. Anyways you made a choice yet?

DARIA: how about ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’? I used to read that when I was young.

(Tom nods and puts the movie on, while he does this Daria prods at her food nervously,)

DARIA VO: wonder if Jane’s night is any less confusing? Oh well best get it over with.

(Eventually she closes her eyes and we fade out as she tastes a fork-full)

(SCENE: a nightclub/bar, Jane, Clovis and a 15-year old who looks a lot like Jesse are stood at the bar, some random loud music is playing out of a juke-box hooked up to the speaker system.)

JANE: So Danny, you’re the bands new manager, think Trent will want to play at a place called the ‘Scrap-Heap’?

DANNY: (sounding like a non-spaced out and higher pitched Jesse) I guess so, I mean hell I’ve got them onto worse places…Max still shows me those scars whenever we meet.

JANE: True, you’d think he would have gotten over it by now, although if it does get rough we did bring our security with us (nods to Clovis) by the way Clove, what exactly did Genghis Li want with you?

CLOVIS: Oh she wanted my advice on whether she should enter the school into something with the martial arts lessons and all that, I told her that there was no way in hell that any of us where ready for that and we would not bring her honour and glory…(glances around) You know this place seems vaguely familiar…

JANE: (reading from a flyer) says here it’s a chain that started in Japan, it says it was one of the first properly organised bar/fight clubs…hmm must be a typo.

DANNY: (looking at something off screen) I don’t think that’s the case…

(We follow his gaze to show a circle of people, they suddenly part as a person comes flying past, he lands on the bar and slides to a stop in front of the trio, we pan along to show their reactions, Danny is relatively indifferent, Jane is shocked, Clovis is grinning like a madman as he looks up and mouths ‘Thank you Lord’ as we fade out)

(SCENE: Wasabi’s lair again, Quinn is sat on the floor with several text-books and notepads strewn around the floor, Wasabi is hanging upside down from the hammock, his shirt off to show a grey t-shirt saying ‘just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean my parent’s aren’t out to get me’ and the remains of a rifle on the floor, he appears to have been talking for some time and looks slightly worn-down, his computer is playing ‘Paranoid’ by Black Sabbath to supply background music)

WASABI: OK, lets try doing this in another way; imagine Cashmans is having a sale, a really nice dress that normally costs $75 is reduced by 50% HOWEVER the exact same dress is available normally at another store also for $75 but is only reduced by 30% however as well as this there is a reduction of $15, NOW which one is the cheapest?

QUINN: (thinking) wait a minute they’re both the same.

WASABI: By Jove I think she’s got it.

QUINN: you mean I was right?

WASABI: Yup, the trick is thinking of it in ways you can relate to, so for instance I told Clovis to use equations based off breaking bones and punch to kick ratios, and for Tom I used the exact same method as I did for you only using movies instead.

QUINN: (genuinely impressed) Wow Waz, this will really help me out, and if I use the sales method I can hide the fact that I actually learned from Sandi…

WASABI: (confused) Why would you want to hide it? Actually never mind I remember who Sandi is now…(shudders) I swear that voice of hers freaks me out.

QUINN: Thank God, I thought I was the only one.

WASABI: You certainly have an… ‘interesting’ circle of friends I’ll say that.

QUINN: Well unlike Daria I have an image to maintain so can’t just be friends with any one, they have to at least be pretty popular and fashionable…

(She trails off when she sees the way Wasabi is looking at her)

WASABI: (sarcastically) Gee thanks a lot.

QUINN: I didn’t mean it like that, what I meant was…(stops and thinks for a while) You know now that I think of it neither reply I can give is really going to be helpful is it?

WASABI: (grinning a little) Nope, I’m a living breathing Catch-22, anyways lets press on, if we can get through the rest of this then I’ll take you out to eat at the restaurant of you’re choice

QUINN: (confused) Like a… date?

(We fade out on Wasabi getting a ‘oh crap what have I done?’ expression)

(SCENE: the corridor of the Sloane household, Tom is leaning against the wall next to what appears to be the bathroom door)

TOM: I take it that could have gone better?

(The door opens and Daria walks out, she is rubbing a wet patch on her jacket)

DARIA: Just try not to make the stuff so runny next time ok? So long as it doesn’t stain I suppose I can forgive you for jumping like that…

TOM: Sorry but it’s the first time I watched ‘Ring’ without a certain friend who shall remain nameless screaming during the end about ninjas[7] or something similar…

DARIA: Huh, I just assumed it was because I put my hand on your knee. (Looking at her watch) guess I should soon head back, I better call home…

TOM: seeing as my car isn’t back yet I’ll walk you home,

DARIA: You don’t have to…

(There is the sound of the front door opening and closing)

TOM: Please I insist, you can use my cell-phone on the way if you want…

DARIA: Tom why are you so suddenly desperate to get me out the house? Do you not want your parents to see me?

TOM: (nervously) actually its not you I don’t want them to see…

(Tom is cut off by the sound of one of his parents shouting from downstairs, he winces while he hears this)

VOICE OS: THOMAS WINSTON SLOANE! WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY HAVE YOU DONE TO THIS KITCHEN?

TOM: Come on, we can use my window.

(He grabs Daria’s arm as he runs to his room nervously)

DARIA: (amused) Winston?

TOM: Now is not the time Anne-Marie (VO) Wonder if Clovis is having this much excitement tonight?

(Fade out)

(SCENE: the ‘Scrap-Heap’ again, Jane and Danny are still at the bar, each with a glass in front of them, Clovis appears to have disappeared, ‘Fighting the World’ by Manowar is playing from the jukebox, behind them people seem to be crowded around something)

JANE: I suppose we could talk Trent and the guys into playing here, providing we can guarantee some sort of protective screen.

DANNY: Cool, (Him and Jane both lift their glasses and drink as a person slides along the bar again) Of course we could just get your boyfriend to come with us.

JANE: (annoyed) For the last time, Clove is not. I repeat NOT my boyfriend.

CLOVIS: (walking over, his shirt is removed to show a black vest and his face has a red mark on its left side) hey Janey that guy says he’s sorry for… whatever it was.

JANE: Thanks babe.

(Danny rolls his eyes as he takes another drink as we pan across to show a pile of unconscious bodies piled in a heap, then we fade out)

(SCENE: outside the Morgendorffer house, Daria is walking alongside Tom on the way to the door)

DARIA: How do you do it Tom?

TOM: Huh?

DARIA: The martial arts, how do you explain to yourself why you enjoy putting yourself through endless physical torment for something that deep down boils down to a way to hurt someone, how do you tell yourself that its worth doing, and most importantly how do you stop yourself from smacking someone around the head whenever they tick you off no matter how much they deserve it?

TOM: (shrugging) I don’t, that is I don’t let it bother me, I know its something I have a talent for and I continue doing it because of that, much like you continue with your writing or Jane and her painting, sure it’s a way of hurting people but its also a way of getting some exercise and letting off the all the stress I feel so I don’t go and take it out on some random person. As cheesy as it sounds I guess Stan Lee got it right when he said ‘with great power comes great responsibility’ (he stops and thinks for a while) of course it could just be I’m too lazy to think about it…

DARIA: I suppose…eh what the hell, watching Mom’s ethical debate will be worth this alone…when and if she gets her hearing back anyways, thanks Tom.

TOM: you’re welcome, anyway I suppose I need to get back and face the music; don’t suppose I could get a kiss for good luck?

DARIA: Eh why not, come here.

(As they kiss, Quinn and Wasabi walk up to the door)

QUINN: Ewwwwww….

WASABI: (amused) Hey you had to learn about kissing sometime. Judging from your reaction there’s no point pressing my luck, see you next time Quinn…and sorry about that incident with the waiter, later Tom, Daria.

(Wasabi turns and heads off leaving a somewhat puzzled Quinn and an amused Daria)

TOM: I better go see if I can get a lift off of him, bye Daria.

DARIA: bye,

(She gives Tom one last kiss before he runs after Wasabi,)

QUINN: Ugh, come on Daria the last thing I need is to be seen with my lovesick sister. (Opens the door) Mom, Dad I’m back.

HELEN OS: WHAT?

(We roll credits on Daria giving what else but the well known Mona Lisa Smile)

…………………………………………………………….

And what is one of my transcript fanfics without the out-takes? As always the BLEEP signifies another take of something.

(SCENE: the gym, Li has come in to talk to Clovis during the drill)

LI: (Raising her voice) Mr Daniels may I have a word?

CLOVIS: (stopping mid kick but wobbling a little and speaking slightly irritated) Yes wha-woah (falls over)

DJW OS: CUT.

(SCENE: Tom is about to list the languages)

TOM: (rolling his eyes) unlike you I’m afraid that my understanding of the written word is sadly mono-linguistic and limited to the English language, meaning I cannot…remember my lines.

BLEEP

CLOVIS: yes you did mate.

BLEEP

CLOVIS: Hey that is a very difficult language to learn is Malaria

BLEEP

DJW: (walking onscreen and looking at the camera) As you can see we are very professional here.

(SCENE: the pizza place)

DARIA: (After looking at Jane confused for a while) Jane what in the hell are you talking about now?

JANE: Well I just get images of dungeons and…

DARIA: …….. (Bursts out laughing)

DJW OS: CUT

(SCENE: ‘JD’s garage, ‘JD’ is walking towards the car with the wrench)

JD: she’s too smart…intelligent…attractive…

(There is the sound of a gun clicking repeatedly)

WASABI OS: Oh for crying out…BANG

(‘JD’ throws the wrench while trying not to laugh)

DJW OS: CUT…someone find me some rabid hamsters and bring the props guy to me.

(SCENE: Daria on the phone, she takes the air-horn and holds it to phone, but when she presses the button nothing happens)

DARIA: What the? (She looks at it and presses the button, this time it goes off with enough force to blow her out the chair)

DJW OS: CUT…hands up who didn’t that coming?

(SCENE: The dark room, we hear Wasabi and Quinn OS)

WASABI OS: one second, (sound of a key turning in a lock repeatedly, when he speaks he is obviously laughing) I don’t believe this…anyone got a credit card or a spoon?

DJW OS: CUT…a spoon?

(SCENE: the ‘Scrap-heap’ Clovis is walking up to Jane and Danny but trips over landing on Jane)

JANE: Hey dinner and a movie first pal,

DJW OS: CUT…get Clovis a stunt-double for painstakingly difficult task of walking across the room someone.

(SCENE: Elsie and Daria stood at the door, we hear Tom running down the stairs, suddenly Tom comes flying out the door but instead of falling to the floor he collides with Elsie and they both get floored)

ELSIE OS: One scene they said, nothing dangerous about it they said…

DJW OS: CUT…I swear Tom Sloane you are the only person I know who can throw himself at the ground and miss.

(SCENE: Quinn using the butterfly knives, as she swings them round they fly off camera and a noise is made, she looks shocked while others run on set and look on as well)

DARIA: Oh that is going to leave a mark…

DJW OS: (Strained) …MEDIC!

THE END

Author’s notes:

And that’s a wrap people, another story done, this was written while on my summer holiday in Costa del Sol on my Mums laptop because I’m not the type of guy who can be drawn away from the keyboard by the appeal of Sun, Sea, and Sangria. It would appear my geekiness knows no bounds. This story also served to preview OUATILV1 seeing as I seem to be putting off writing it until I’m back on native soil, its either that or laziness I haven’t decided.

Nothing really special to say about this story other than that the weapons montage I figured to show here instead of doing in OUATILV1 to have more room for plot and action, as always send anything to mechahead@hotmail.com and I’m sorry for my obsession with footnotes, I made the mistake of reading at least 2 Terry Pratchett books so they always seem like a good idea.

I guess that’s everything said so I shall see you next time.

DJW