Under the Principles Orders

Under the Principles Orders

A Fanfic by DJW, all Daria Characters are © of MTV, Viacom and…what the hell you all know how this goes, the show belongs to who it belongs to, same with the characters except mine…they belong to me.

“Under the Principles Orders”:

Clovis is roped into teaching a ‘voluntary’ Martial Arts class in Lawndale High as community service after the incidents of ‘Late Epiphany’ and drafts Tom into being his assistant, can they manage this without killing anyone? And how will the Freakin’ Friends handle this level of physical activity? More importantly, how will Mr DeMartino and Mr O’Neill manage to replace the practice equipment they smashed in a drunken rage?

This story takes place a day or two after “Late Epiphany” ended.

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Instead of the usual opening theme we have a Chinese instrumental version and the lyrics sung in Cantonese, other than that it plays out normally.

ACT 1:

(SCENE: we open to show Tom and Clovis sat in the office of Principal Brucie, he looks to be about his early 50’s and has a faint Australian accent)

BRUCIE: I’m sure that you two understand that giving a teacher a heart attack is a grave problem and I will have to punish you accordingly.

(Tom and Clovis glance at each other and nod slightly)

TOM: Principle Brucie it was my entire fault, I talked Clovis into arriving on time and triggering Mr Shrubber’s attack. I accept full responsibility and will take the punishment accordingly.

BRUCIE: very well Mr Sloane, I am afraid I will have to suspend you for a while…

CLOVIS: (Interrupting) could I have that in writing sir?

BRUCIE: I beg your pardon Mr Daniels?

CLOVIS: Lee-Daniels sir, I was just asking for you to have it formally in writing that you are suspending Tom for encouraging another student to arrive on time…just so the rest of us know not to do it ourselves.

(Brucie is about to speak but stops when he realises how the two have tricked him)

TOM: of course if encouraging Clovis is not punishable then you could always suspend him for being on time? I’m sure there must be a rule against that somewhere…

BRUCIE: All right you have made your point; there will be no suspensions.

(The two look relieved)

BRUCIE: However…(his phone rings) excuse me for a moment (answers the phone) Hello? …Angela what do you want? …Uh-huh…mugged you say? … Was he hurt? …Oh I see…your planning starting a what? …No of course I don’t think there is anything wrong with starting mandatory self-defence lessons…I’m sorry ‘voluntary’…what’s that you want to know if I can suggest any cheap instructors? (He turns to face Tom and Clovis with an evil grin) You it just so happens we could help each other out here…

(Fade out on Tom and Clovis looking nervous)

(SCENE: Lawndale high, Mr O’Neil’s class, he is on one of his usual spiels about Shakespeare, ‘As You Like It’ seems to be his victim today)

O’NEIL: So Class do any of you have any thoughts on Shakespeare’s last act revelation about the Duke’s conversion as a attempt to add closure to the play on a more positive note? Ke…(pauses) Jane what do you think?

JANE: I think that the announcement was a ploy of the Duke to lull them into a false sense of security before his army arrived to wipe all the forest dwellers out…

O’NEIL: Just once I would like to have an intelligent answer from someone other than Daria in this class…is that too much to ask?

(Before he has a chance to break down into tears Principle Li’s voice is heard over the PA with no doubt a gripping and plot essential announcement)

LI VO: Students of Laaawndale high, in light of the recent attack upon a student coupled with the general rise in crimes against students we shall be instituting ‘voluntary’ martial arts and self defence sessions every day after school, the following groups are…

(As Li lists various students Daria and Jane look at each other annoyed)

DARIA: Why do I have this feeling that voluntary means something different to her than the rest of the world?

JANE: Most probably…this is probably all because Upchuck got himself that shiner from a mugger or whatever it was.

DARIA: (looking a tiny bit nervous) Jane that was no mugger who gave him that.

JANE: What?

DARIA: Remember how on Thursday I had gone to Tom’s to collect the money I had won from ‘JD’ on that pool? Well he and Clovis had been training so I couldn’t stay…as amusing as it was to see Tom smack himself in the face with a nunchaku for the fifth time I had to get home and help Quinn study…(stops when Jane is looking at her suspiciously), she offered me $25 and I was bored ok? On the way back I stopped to buy a new book or two…sadly a certain horny and slightly inebriated idiot who shall remain nameless made the mistake of grabbing my ass as I walked home, maybe I over-reacted a little with what I did but I felt good afterwards…I didn’t do anything too harsh anyway.

JANE: I’m sure you didn’t do anything too rash.

(Fade to show Daria stood deathly still with a scary expression on her face, Upchucks hand on her backside, a lecherous grin on his face, she looks over her shoulder very slowly and Upchuck finally sees her expression and his grin changes to a look of terror, next thing we know she has spun round and planted her boot along the side of his face, and as he staggers grabs his arm and throws him in the general direction of a dumpster, he lands in it and the lid slams shut, Daria exhales and walks off looking slightly less annoyed as we fade back to Daria with her usual Mona Lisa smile.)

DARIA: I’d say that’s true…even if we’re now stuck with another of our principal’s idiotic schemes… (Stops while her class is read out on the list as being in one of the groups) well it seems we’ll be with people we know, and misery loves company.

KEVIN: Alright, we’re gonna learn kung-fu, this gonna be just like in the matrix

BRITTNEY: EEP, Kevvie I don’t want them to plug stuff into my head.

DARIA: (to Jane) Yes who wants to fill up an empty space like that? (The bell rings) well I guess we have to go face our doom, hopefully our instructor wont put us through the stuff I’ve seen Tom go through with Clovis.

(SCENE: the gym hall, most of Daria’s class and most of Quinn’s class along with some other students are all stood in a group looking at a podium on the other end of the room, Daria and Jane both look shocked. On the podium is Mrs Morris, next to her stands Clovis and Tom wearing their Kung-Fu Jackets, Tom looks like he wishes he was somewhere else while Clovis has a blank expression)

MORRIS: All right everyone, your Principle has told me to tell you that this man here shall be your instructor for these sessions and his friend assisting him, despite their age they are to be treated like any other teacher here.

JANE: (To Daria) I couldn’t possibly do that to them.

MORRIS: You be quite Lane, I don’t even know why you’re here as I’m sure you’ll prove to be as pathetic at this as you are at every…(Clovis waves a hand in front of her and cuts her off)

CLOVIS: If you proceed to belittle my class I am afraid I must ask you to leave, (Morris looks ready to blow a fuse) remember, I am to be treated like any other teacher…that applies to you as well. (Stands before the group) Now I’m sure you are all expecting this to be a few weeks of learning to kick and punch and then you will be jumping around as unbeatable warriors, this is not the case, these lessons will be proper martial arts, I will teach you all how to defend yourself should the need arise, however I have obtained permission from the principal to select a few of you to attend my ‘special classes’ in other words those of you with potential will be given extra training to realise said potential. Lastly if any of you decide that this stuff can be used to start kicking people around whenever the fancy takes you…leave now. I will not be teaching this for violent means, I am teaching this for defence and only that, I hear of anyone trying to start something while I'm around I will show you a proper fight. Any questions? (Most of the groups hands go up) and no I will not be teaching you how to walk on walls (some of the hands go down) OR kill people with just your fingers (nearly all the other hands go down and Clovis points to a still raised hand) Yes you?

SANDI: (for it is she) Like, what if, we have already learned self-defence, do we still have to attend these things?

(The other Fashion Club members look at Sandi surprised as Clovis and Tom step down from the podium to stand in front of her)

CLOVIS: Well if you prove to have sufficient knowledge and skill then you may leave, I am assuming that you have some training?

SANDI: (smug grin to go with her voice) I’ll have you know I spent 6 months taking karate lessons, so I suppose I do not have to attend such an unstylish waste of my time?

(Clovis gives a strange grin as Tom walks over to Daria and Jane)

TOM: This could get interesting/ugly real fast; I’ve seen that look before.

DARIA: Why are you even here anyways?

TOM: Long story short, we have to do community service of some sort and this qualified, least we know what we’re doing…sort of.

(Move back to Clovis and Sandi)

CLOVIS: hmm, allow me if you will to indulge myself and give you a practical examination, anyone who can get a win on me can leave these sessions, that alright Ms Morris?

MORRIS: (annoyed) Whatever, I’m leaving you to this, it’s none of my concern (leaves).

DARIA: (to Jane) Tom, you think we can get out of this if your friend is willing to throw a fight or two?

TOM: Don’t count on it, he’s looking forwards to this, he even asked for your group by name, for now lets just watch a few fools make themselves even more foolish…and maybe unconscious as well.

(Behind Clovis who is still facing Sandi, Kevin sneaks up and is about to hit him on the head but makes a mistake and shouts)

KEVIN: All right this class is gonna be no sweat.

(Suddenly Clovis turns round and brings a fist up at Kevin’s face; he stops the punch a fraction away from Kevin’s forehead)

KEVIN: (eye’s looking up) hey you missed me…(suddenly his eyes cross and he falls over backwards, pan along to show Clovis has one knuckle extended more than the others on his fist, he must have struck a pressure point)

CLOVIS: (rolling his eyes) Arms of iron but brains of straw (turns to Sandi once more) shall we begin? (As he says this and begins to stretch his arms the other students start to crowd round the two)

SANDI: Whatever…geek…the sooner I can get out of here, the sooner I don’t have to see your unstylish self.

CLOVIS: Unstylish? Listen lady I got style…

(Clovis bows down, as Sandi just looks unimpressed, then the two begin to spar, Sandi using very straight punches and chops while Clovis is more ‘flowing’ and proceeds to block and swat away Sandi’s hands, as Sandi gets more annoyed and more aggressive she starts to try and kick Clovis who side steps and begins to assume a more traditional stance, Snake Fist being said stance, the hand is flat with the thumb, index, and middle finger tips being together, the hand is at a 90 degree angle to the arm and the arm is held vertical while resting the elbow on the other arm giving the illusion of a snake rearing up)

CLOVIS: To give you a chance I’ll just use one style. Feel up to the challenge?

SANDI: (Obviously annoyed) Just shut up…geek.

(She launches into a flurry of punches and kicks, all of which Clovis blocks by moving his arms in a serpentine way, after he sees an opening he jabs his hand forward at Sandi’s throat, she pulls back and staggers backwards before he hits her)

CLOVIS: I told you (blows a handful of thread out of his hand) I’ve got style.

(Sandi looks down in horror as a tear begins to form at the middle of the neck of her shirt, the tear starts to lengthen until her top is about ready to fall off[1], she holds it to her chest and runs out of the class humiliated, Quinn and Stacy both look at each other trying to suppress laughter while Tiffany is her usual vacant self, various other students are either laughing or smiling)

DARIA: You know Jane; this could prove to be entertaining after all.

JANE: Well said my friend, Tom you think your friend can teach us how to do that?

TOM: If you make his ‘special class’ maybe…

CLOVIS: (voice raised to silence the crowd) OK now you all know how I treat troublemakers, so before I start the actual lesson, who else has had ANY prior training?

(Evan from ‘See Jane Run’ steps forward along with Ted Dewitt-Clinton)

EVAN: I’ve been taking kickboxing lessons for a few years.

TED: And my parents sent me to Japan to learn Tae-Kwon Do…[2]

CLOVIS: (interrupting) Bloody hell, ‘Thunderfoot’ Dewitt-Clinton I haven’t seen you since the Dragon-Chi Dojo…

(While the two are reminiscing Daria takes a breath and steps forward much to Jane and Tom’s surprise)

DARIA: I have also had one or two short lessons on Tai Chi. (VO) what am I thinking?

JANE and TOM VO: What is she thinking?

(Clovis raises an eyebrow at this)
CLOVIS: Well it seems most of you are un-trained; tell you what, for today we will start on some basic stuff. Tom put that training gear in the teachers lounge we won’t need it today. (Tom nods and heads out) now…who wants to be the practice dummy? (Kevin stands up as he regains consciousness and Clovis points at him) Perfect you’ll do.

KEVIN: Wuh?

CLOVIS: First lesson, how to incapacitate someone quickly, part one…the crotch

KEVIN: WUH?

(SCENE: Tom outside carrying a large bag on one arm, he stops as he hears a THWACK sound followed by a whimper from the gym, he looks over his shoulder and decides to just keep walking, we follow him from behind as he heads to the teachers lounge, he knocks and opens the door, finding the room empty he leaves the bag and walks back to the gym, once he is gone Mr O’Neil and Mr DeMartino enter, both looking irritated, O’Neil has a pile of papers in his arms)

O’NEIL: Honestly Anthony I don’t know how much more I can take, I mean I’m trying to be supportive but with Janet one the one hand and the students just not trying I’m getting…rather frustrated.

DEMARTINO: Timothy the LESS I hear about you and that ACCURSED ‘Devil in a D-Cup’ the BETTER.

O’NEIL: Actually I think Janet is a…

DEMARTINO: WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

O’NEIL: EEP, sorry, I’m just a little on edge at the moment (sees DeMartino taking a hip flask out his pocket)…what are you doing Anthony?

DEMARTINO: WHAT does it LOOK like I’m doing? You don’t think I plan on doing this overtime sober do you?

O’NEIL: Anthony I’m shocked…(looks at the papers…it is a really big pile) on second thoughts hand that flask over.

(Cut to music montage, Jane and Daria in class, the two looking shocked in class, Sandi running out as her shirt falls apart and the two teachers entering the lounge)

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ACT 2:

(SCENE: the ‘Millionaire Express’ after school, it is pretty much empty except at a table are sat Daria, Jane, Tom and Clovis, Daria and Tom are playing chess while Clovis is eating a bowl of noodles and Jane is sketching various Chinese characters from the menu onto a notebook)

DARIA: Knight to K2, so Clovis how long do you plan on torturing us with these training regimes?

CLOVIS: (Between mouthfuls of noodles) Oh come on…SLURP…I started on the easy stuff…SLOOP…besides all you had to do was a few punch drills and a little more of Tom’s Tai Chi lessons, least you can still walk unlike old ‘Gorilla’ (he means Kevin)

TOM: True, you know I assumed that as he always had his pads on he would always have a cup as well…good thing you had taken your boots off beforehand…I can imagine those steel toe-caps doing some damage, Rook to Kings Bishop 4.

JANE: Good thing Brittney was in a different group, who knows how she would have reacted (Looking up from a sketch) ooh good move…is what I would probably be saying if I knew the first thing about this game…why would Stephen even have that? Ah speaking of which, hey Steve…

(Stephen walks past with an old Chinese bench such as the ones used in old kung-fu moves as weapons on his shoulder[3], when he hears Jane he stops and turns, given that I never described him in Way of the Cynic allow me to do so now, he looks to be about Trent’s age and is Chinese with pure white hair[4] that is about chin length and parted down the middle along with a trimmed goatee, he is wearing a pair of faded and torn jeans as well as his ‘Yes I’m gay…and?’ T-shirt, he also has a very psychedelic tie and a notepad in his pocket)

STEPHEN: Yo, what can I do you for?

JANE: I was thinking of having this printed on a T-shirt for Trent’s birthday…what does it say? (Holds up her notepad with the characters in question)

STEPHEN: (putting the bench down in front of the table and taking the pad) It says “this dish cheap but tasty” so depending on how perceptive your brother is I’d be careful.

DARIA: Trent and perceptive, now there’s two things I’d never thought I’d see in the same conversation. Hmm now lets see, Queen to R3, check I do believe.

TOM: Damn, (looking up from the board) hey isn’t that ‘Gorillas’ girlfriend?

(Brittney is entering the eatery; she has a variety of cheerleaders and football players behind her who stop at the doorway, she walks up to Daria’s table and points a finger at Clovis angrily, strangely she is not wearing her uniform but instead a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up and black pants, she seems to mean business)

BRITTNEY: YOU, you’re the one who broke my Kevie aren’t you?

CLOVIS: Huh? (Still going away at those noodles) don’t worry, I didn’t hit him that hard, his noggin’ shouldn’t have any permanent damage…not that you’d notice (the last part is said while he eats so she doesn’t hear him)

BRITTNEY: OOH that’s not what I meant; I’m talking about the …‘other’ place. Now put ‘em up, I challenge you to avenge my Kevie.

CLOVIS: Can’t fight, eating.

DARIA: (standing up) Brittney, calm down, this isn’t worth causing trouble for.

BRITTNEY: Stay out of this Daria (pushes her onto the ground)

TOM: (Standing up right away) HEY, normally I have rules about not hitting a girl, but you do not push Daria around, you want to fight someone then fight me.

JANE: (helping Daria up) you know I was gonna agree with Daria about how we shouldn’t be causing trouble, but now I think you should give her all she deserves, Kick her ass Tom.

DARIA: And they say Chivalry is dead.

CLOVIS: Nope, (finishes his noodles at last) though it may be on its ‘last hurrah’ pay attention girls, this could be you in a few weeks.

STEPHEN: Just a second, Clovis, you know the rules; I have a $10 cover charge for fights, and extra for any breakages from the second upwards.

BRITTNEY: (trying to be as sexy as possible) say Mr waiter, if you look away, my friends will make it worth it (indicates two more cheerleaders)

(Stephen yells and storms off shouting something in Cantonese)

DARIA: A translation please Mr Lee-Daniels?

CLOVIS: He more or less said “why do I even bother, do I have to mince around in a pink leather Speedo for people to get the idea?” Evidently he is annoyed his shirt didn’t work. Personally I think that he should lose the tie as it distracts people.

JANE: I think he should burn it, because you know if he lost it, he could find it again.

BRITTNEY: (annoyed) Are we going to fight or what?

(Tom takes a white headband from his pocket and ties it on his forehead to keep the hair out of his eyes, he then walks around Brittney but always making sure he is facing her, when there is a suitable distance between the two he goes into a stance, he spaces his legs apart and holds up his fists like a boxer)

TOM: Do your worst, for I shall do mine.

BRITTNEY: Hiii-ya (runs at Tom and tries to spin kick him) this if for my Kevie…

TOM: (leans back so the kick passes by) We get the point, stop mentioning him…

(Tom starts to do a kick at Brittney but instead just twitches his leg causing her to back-peddle, as she does this he lunges forwards to punch but Brittney blocks his punches in a manner similar to waving pom-poms around, seeing an opening she tries to strike Tom in the gut but he blocks by bringing his knee up and pushes Brittney back just as she does the same, the two both go flying backwards until Brittney knocks into a pair of ‘goons’ from the football team while Tom gets stopped from falling onto the chessboard by Clovis holding out a hand while drinking a soda)

CLOVIS: Careful mate, remember Janey and me have the next round of drinks resting on this game.

TOM: (glances at the chessboard quickly and makes a move) Knight takes Queen, that’s me out of check I believe.

(As Brittney rushes Tom he steps off the bench Stephen left and places his feet on her chest and grabs her collar while she grabs his arms and tries to shake him off, during the next conversation the two move on and off screen)

JANE: I have to ask Clove, I’ve seen a few kung-fu movies and Tom doesn’t seem to be doing any specific style from any of them. What exactly did you teach him?

CLOVIS: To be honest a little of everything, Tom is more free form with his moves, I taught him a little of everything so he tends to mix and match at times.

DARIA: (examining the chess board while Tom is seen to go flying off Brittney who is off-screen) Pawn makes it to the end and becomes a Queen, now since Tom’s king is surrounded by Pawns I guess that makes it Checkmate (looks up to see two of the football players have just grabbed Tom and holding his arms so he can’t stop Brittney kicking and striking him, Daria looks enraged) What the hell, (grabbing the bench from the floor) Get your hands off my boyfriend.

(Daria smacks one of the goons with the bench but the others then try to grab her, Tom uses his free arm to floor the other one, he the stands behind Daria putting his hands over hers so they are both holding the bench legs as the various footballers and cheerleaders start to encircle them)

JANE: (still sitting) Should we help them?

CLOVIS: (returning with a tray of drinks) nah, they’ll be fine, if it gets too hairy I guess we could jump in.

JANE: We? Clove I’m not a kung-fu master like you.

CLOVIS: I can change that, you’re a runner so you have the stamina and I’m sure I can find a style for you…for now lets just sit back and enjoy the show.

(Tom suddenly swings Daria round as he takes one of her hands off the leg causing it to swing round and floor a player sneaking up on them, he then pulls her back and takes her like a tango which knocks another person in the gut)

DARIA: What in the hell are you doing Tom?

TOM: call it a bonus lesson. (Grabs her waist) JUMP

(Daria does so as Tom lifts her over his head, meaning she does an unexpected flip and lands behind him as he kicks another person in the face, he then turns and goes back into being behind her holding the bench, he manoeuvres the bench by jabbing the hands out like punches to strike people with the bench, lastly he grabs the bench and places it onto Daria’s shoulder as he spins her round so she knocks down the last of the people, leaving just Brittney looking shocked, Daria stops spinning and looks at Brittney and points at her angrily)

DARIA: You and I have unfinished business. Tom I can handle this on my own.

(Brittney eeps as Tom nods and sits down)

DARIA: I am going to make this very clear to you Brittney, I don’t want you to hold this against me as after this I wont hold anything against you, but you do not try and hit MY boyfriend while he can’t fight back…savvy?

BRITTNEY: Well…erm…(points at Tom) he started it.

TOM: You pushed Daria over, or did you happen to forget that?

BRITTNEY: (sweating nervously) well…(points at Clovis) well he…broke my Kevie.

CLOVIS: (not even looking up) Yeah sorry about that. (Shouts to the bar) Maggie after this is over, give her a drink on me ok? (Maggie nods from the bar) Cheers mate.

(Brittney does not have enough brainpower left to form another argument so instead takes out her pocket a pair of wooden sticks, she twirls them in her hands like batons for a moment before she runs at Daria and starts trying to strike her, she is a practical whirlwind of sticks although Daria is moving the Bench to block each stick, eventually she catches Brittney’s arm with the leg of the bench and manages to knock one of the sticks away, she then uses her palm to knock Brittney back via a blow to the stomach, she then spins bench around like a staff and spins it at Brittney’s head who does the splits so the bench goes over her, however Daria uses the momentum to change hands with the bench and slap Brittney lightly on the back of the head)

DARIA: Checkmate.

BRITTNEY: EEP (it appears Brittney is too ‘top-heavy’ to remain vertical and she slowly falls forwards until there is a faint thud) ouch…

(Daria goes back to the table, puts the bench down and takes her soda, downing it in one go she looks a little light-headed as she hiccups lightly)

DARIA: Damn that felt good…Clovis you got a volunteer for your special class.

JANE: (shakes herself out of a look of shock) What the hell I’ll have some of whatever you guys are on.

CLOVIS: (grins then laughs) well I had already put you down anyways so no problem

TOM: (takes a look around and at the various unconscious people on the floor and raises his hand) Cheque please.

(Cut to music montage, Daria and Tom playing chess, Tom fighting Brittney, Daria and Tom ‘dancing’ with the bench, Daria doing the final blow on Brittney)

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ACT 3:

(P.O.V an eye opening to see a blurry room, we hear the voice of O’Neil)

VO: ooh my head…what did I do last night…

(The ‘eye’ blinks a few times and the sight begins to clear)

VO: Oh my…

(SCENE: we see the teachers lounge of Lawndale it has definitely seen better days, furniture is upturned, papers are strewn everywhere, for some reason there is a traffic cone in a corner lying on its side from behind a couch, also the bag Tom left is open and various shattered pieces of wood are laying around)

O’NEIL: Anthony I think we have a problem…Anthony?

(Suddenly the traffic cone starts to shake and then sits upright, or at least DeMartino does with the cone on his head…and for some scary reason no trousers…some things are best left unknown)

DEMARTINO: uuuugh what IS it Timothy. (He removes the cone from his head and a duck flies out) WHAT the HELL did we do last NIGHT?

O’NEIL: (looking at the broken stuff on the floor while rubbing his head) It would seem we destroyed the equipment one of the new self defence instructors brought with them…(looks at the bag and finds a list) hmm it appears to be a checklist…if we hurry we can find all the stuff before anyone finds out…

DEMARTINO: Why exactly PRAY TELL should we do this?

O’NEIL: Anthony, look at the state of this place, I don’t know about you but I don’t want to face the wrath of the principal as well as a martial arts teacher.

DEMARTINO: (appears to be thinking) Lets just WRITE down with MEN on the walls and blame it on JANET?

O’NEIL: Anthony, think what she would do in response…add that to what we would deal with if we got found out, we could lose (counts on his hand) 1 our jobs, 2 our sense of feeling in our limbs and 3 our gonads.

DEMARTINO: ……(eyes begin to widen) OH GOD NO…(heads out the room grabbing O’Neil) Come ON Timothy lets get to the STORE

O’NEIL: But Anthony…what about your pants?

(End scene)

(SCENE: the cafeteria at lunchtime, Daria and Jane are sat together eating)

JANE: Daria I have to ask, what exactly came over you yesterday, you’re not the sort of person who would rush into battle recklessly…let alone get into a fight period…so what brought about the sudden change in mood? So was it your undying love for Tom, your insatiable urge for bloodlust…or just Brittney’s voice finally pushed you over the edge?

DARIA: (deadpan as ever) Gee would you believe a little of all 3? (Normal) Actually I’m not sure, guess I was touched by Tom’s willingness to beat up a cheerleader in my name…not many guys will do that I hear. And anyways I have to ask, “Clove”? What’s the deal between the two of you?

JANE: Call it a ‘friendship of necessity’ my best friend is dating his best friend so we both figured it would be better to be bored together than bored alone, we’re just good friends if that’s what your getting at…so don’t get any ideas about stealing this one either. (Sees Daria glare at her) I’m kidding, jeez Clove though it was funny (Daria just raises an eyebrow) Seriously come on Daria, I’m impulsive but not that impulsive…and as appealing as a guy who can (gets a faraway look in her eye) bend…like…that…(snaps out of it) anyways we both agreed we’re not each others type…actually I agreed, he may have thought I meant being a sparring partner…guy keeps on seeing everything in martial art terms.

DARIA: (shrugs) Fair enough.

(Brittney and Kevin walk past along with Mack and Jodie)

JODIE: Hey Daria, mind if we sit here?

BRITTNEY: (looking at Daria nervously) Actually Kevie and me have to go somewhere…(glares at Kevin) isn’t that right?

KEVIN: Uh…sure babe?

(The two walk off)

MACK: (sitting down) As much of a relief as that was its still a little odd…Brittney usually is pretty friendly towards you two…I’ve heard a few rumours but I didn’t believe them, now I’m not too sure what to think.

JANE: Rumours? You must allow me to partake of this juicy gossip about Daria now.

JODIE: it’s just we heard you and Tom took out around 9 cheerleaders and football players…I think you can guess why we found it hard to believe.

DARIA: Those rumours are incredibly inaccurate…it was more like 10.

(Mack and Jodie are taken aback by this revelation)

MACK: Whoa, you actually did? Does this mean the rumour about you fighting Brittney and winning is true as well? Because there is a reason no one is ever after the position of head cheerleader…not after what she did to the last challenger…(shudders)

JANE: You better believe it, Daria here is the new warrior woman of Lawndale.

JODIE: Wow, those lessons must have really paid off…and we’ve only had one…if it wasn’t for your lack of interest in anything involving extracurricular activity I’d suggest trying out for the special class, me and Mack are.

JANE: You know its funny you should say that…

(Fade out as Daria begins to hold up her fork and glance at her friend, end scene)

(SCENE: outside the school building, the fashion club are stood talking, Sandi is wearing a different top to her usual one…seems she hasn’t found a replacement yet)

SANDI: I cannot believe I had to wear this today, of all the day’s a fashion crisis such as an outfit collapsing due to shoddy workmanship and my mom decides to do laundry.

STACY: uh Sandi I thought it fell apart because our instructor pulled out the thread and…(stops when she sees Sandi’s glare and mumbles faintly) sorry.

QUINN: (Seeing the way Stacy is being beat down and looks annoyed for a few seconds) anyway Sandi it could have been worse, at least he only damaged an outfit and not your face, (VO) I should be so lucky (end VO) least you don’t have a bruise.

TIFFANY: Yeah…bruises make you look fat…

STACY: (slightly annoyed) Tiffany what doesn’t? (Realising) I mean, yeah your right.

(Quinn, looks at Stacy and grins briefly before turning to Sandi)

QUINN: So anyways Sandi, in regards to this emergency meeting what do you propose we do if any of us end up in this special class?

SANDI: Well it is obvious that being ‘special’ in that Geeky teachers opinion probably means that you have to be seriously unfashionable.

QUINN: Actually I think he said it had to do with having potential at martial arts.

SANDI: (here it comes) Gee Quinn, if you know so much why don’t you become president of the fashion club?

QUINN: (guess) Oh Sandi I could never replace you (VO) don’t tempt me bitch.

STACY VO: Please for the love of God Quinn do it.

TIFFANY VO: ……………echo…echo…echo…

SANDI: anyways we shall now hold a vote on whether to abstain from attending the lessons of that teacher who is geeky, unstylish, strange and above all…(sees the expressions on the other members) behind me…

(Clovis is indeed behind her, grinning in a somewhat unsettling manner, Tom is stood idly nearby not paying attention to what’s going on)

CLOVIS: You know some people could so easily assume you are just rude Ms Griffin, although I’m sure you of all people know not to insult someone like that don’t we?

(Sandi is about to say something when Stacy interrupts)

STACY: (all in one breath but separated for the benefit of you readers) Excuse me sir, I was just wondering what exactly the ‘special classes’ involved and whether there would be anything that we would have to wear because I’m afraid that if we get chosen then we will have to be sure to co-ordinate wardrobes and that could cause serious damage to our reputations and popularity if we mess up on that…(breathes in and out deeply)

CLOVIS: (without breaking his grin he leans back towards Tom and says through clenched teeth) What the bloody hell did she just say mate?

TOM: No idea, I was keeping an eye out for Wasabi, he should be here with this stuff.

TIFFANY: (with a somewhat hopefully expression) You have Wasabi?

(Tom and Clovis wisely choose to ignore this as they both look around)

CLOVIS: What is taking that wazzock so long? Ah speak of the devil…

(Wasabi begins to appear from off-screen, he is riding a skateboard and has a bag over his shoulder, he stops the board right in front of Clovis, Quinn seems a little smitten with the green haired apparition before her while Sandi isn’t impressed)

WASABI: (stepping on his board and flipping it into his hand) sorry about that, had trouble finding the place, here is that thing you needed for the lesson.

(Wasabi tosses the bag to Clovis who hands it to Tom who walks off with it)

TOM: I’ll get the other stuff; I’ll see you in a few.

CLOVIS: Cheers Waz, sure you don’t want to stick around and watch the lesson? I have something extra-special planned for today.

WASABI: Clovis the last time you said that Jeff ended up in hospital…just like every other time, I’ll pass thanks.

(As Wasabi is turning to leave Quinn turns and whispers to Stacy)

QUINN: Stacy I need you to run interference on Sandi for a moment, I would really appreciate it.

STACY: (raising an eyebrow and then nodding and then turning to Clovis) so Mr…erm…

CLOVIS: Mr Lee-Daniels will do.

STACY: Right, I was wondering what requirements are needed to get into the special class?

SANDI: God Stacy, why are you so interested? You know ‘special’ is just another word for retard.

STACY: (doing a rather good impression of bursting into tears and running off, during this Quinn sneaks up to Wasabi and begins to talk to him, probably the usual spiel to try and get a date)

CLOVIS: (looking at Sandi) well I hope you’re happy, you better be ready for today’s lesson. (Runs after Stacy)

SANDI: …geek, (turns and storms off)

TIFFANY: (on her own) no sign of that Wasabi then…

(End scene)

(SCENE: still outside only a different area, Stacy is leaning on a tree, some tears in her eyes but she is laughing slightly)

STACY: An excellent performance Ms Rowe if I may say so myself, man Quinn owes me for that…Ah who am I kidding getting Sandi riled is payment enough.

CLOVIS: (stepping up and handing a handkerchief out) I couldn’t agree more.

STACY: eek, oh Mr Lee-Daniels, you followed me? I’m sorry I had to act but you know what they say ‘a friend in need…’ (Takes the hanky)

CLOVIS: True, anyway I came to answer your question; the requirements are simply show some enthusiasm for learning and also potential to pick up, like your boyfriend Ted had when he started learning.

STACY: …How did you know about Ted and me, did he tell you?

CLOVIS: Sort of, him and me had a bit of sparring after the session and some of the stuff he mentioned helped me put 2 and 2 together. Anyway just thought you’d like to know, and now I believe I have to go and save a certain green haired acquaintance from a certain redhead, see you in class.

(Walks off while Stacy looks a little puzzled, end scene)

(SCENE: the staff room, O’Neil and DeMartino are stood in the middle of the room, which surprisingly enough is in pristine condition, DeMartino is holding a bag while O’Neil is reading a list)

O’NEIL: well Anthony I think we managed to get all the stuff back in time, and I must say Pavlov did an amazing job on cleaning up, how did you manage to persuade him to help?

DEMARTINO: NEVER underestimate the power of BRIBERY Timothy, I promised to put in a GOOD word for him WHEN he asks the principal for a new motor MOWER (VO) Not to mention he said he would accidentally drive it over any football he sees (End VO and laughs evilly).

(Tom knocks on the door and enters)

TOM: Sorry to interrupt but I came to collect the equipment we left last night for the self-defence class.

O’NEIL: Oh of course (takes the bag from DeMartino and hands it to Tom) everything should be there intact and in order.

TOM: (opens the bag and takes a very fine looking wooden ‘boken’[5] out) wow and I thought Clovis was using all the cheap broken stuff he had lying around, thanks sir.

(As Tom leaves the two teachers look at each other for a while and don’t say anything, eventually the both break down sobbing as we leave them, end scene)

(SCENE: back to Quinn and Wasabi, she is going full blast talking about fashion in one way or another, Wasabi has a somewhat glazed over look)

QUINN: blah blah blah Sandi knows I look good in pink but blah blah blah and then she had to go and blah blah blah

WASABI VO: (translated from Japanese) <Thank the Gods English isn’t my first language, at least I can switch off most of her talk…if no one is looking maybe I can bludgeon her with my skateboard? >

QUINN: (noticing Wasabi is looking at his board with a somewhat unsettling look in his eyes) am I boring you? Only my first instinct when I see a cute guy is to…your eyebrow is twitching…

WASABI: Don’t worry; it’s a conditioned response to the word cute, much like I’m assuming you have the same thing when you hear the word “80’s fashion”

QUINN: Ewwww…oh my god (laughs nervously) guess I set myself up for that huh? I’m Quinn by the way, Quinn Morgendorffer.

WASABI: Wasabi Yojiman Takaguchi, but call me Waz if that’s too difficult to remember. Morgendorffer? You wouldn’t happen to be Daria’s sister would you?

QUINN: (looks around to make sure no one is around) you could say that, God is there anyone Daria doesn’t know?

WASABI: I’ve only met her once, she seemed cool, and I can see the resemblance, by the way if your angling for a date then don’t get your hopes up, don’t take it the wrong way but your not my type.

QUINN: Is it because I’m shallow? Because my superficiality is entirely artificial…

WASABI: (slightly surprised) I’m sure it is, but I still prefer more intellectual people, and no offence but I don’t think you quite fit that bill.

QUINN: (mischievous grin) You wanna bet?

(End scene)

(SCENE: Upchuck is on the prowl in the schoolyard, he still has a bit of a black eye, he sees something off-screen and gets his usual lecherous look in his face)

UPCHUCK: (walking up a figure slightly off screen, all we can see is a black braid and the back of a head) well hello my little braided beauty, how would you like to see the great wall of Ruttenheimer?

(The figure slowly turns around to reveal to Upchucks terror a somewhat angry looking Clovis cracking his knuckles)

CLOVIS: sorry but I don’t think I'm your type you little wanker.

(Fade out as we hear the sound of Upchuck being brutalised in some way)

(SCENE: the gym hall, the same group from last time are there, Clovis and Tom are stood at the front of the ‘class’)

CLOVIS: OK lads and ladettes, today we shall be just taking a few basic drills and we will be examining you individually to see who will be listed for the special class.

(Cue a montage of various students doing various martial arts stuff while ‘Under The Generals Orders’ plays[6], scenes of interest are: Daria doing various Tai Chi moves to throw Tom across the room, Jane being shown by Clovis how to do the ‘Bruce Lee Shuffle’ and throwing a few punches, Mack doing various punches and kicks in time to the music while Clovis watches while writing on a notepad, Ted and Evan doing kicks against each other, Quinn and Stacy practicing various arm grabs while talking and giggling, and lastly Jodie doing various stances while Tom shows her to correct any mistakes she makes)

(Fade out and back in again to show the class finished, Clovis clears his throat)

CLOVIS: All right now I’m sure you are all anxious to leave so I’m just going to read out 8 names and would like them to stay behind, the rest of you are free to go.

(As Clovis reads each name part of the screen is covered by a shot of their face as they react until the whole screen is just face shots)

CLOVIS: Number 1: Ted Dewitt-Clinton, Number 2: Evan Farmer, Number 3: Michael Mackenzie, Number 4: Jodie Landon, Number 5: Stacy Rowe, Number 6: Quinn Morgendorffer, Number 7: Daria Morgendorffer, Number 8: Jane Lane…the rest of you, can bugger off.

(Face shots vanish)

SANDI: Gee Quinn and Stacy, I guess they want to talk to you about needing extra lessons, too bad you didn’t measure up…

(Quinn and Stacy give each other a look of ‘you have to be kidding’ and shrug simultaneously)

QUINN: Well Sandi if the guy wants to give us extra training than everyone else to unlock our potential then so be it (mutters to Stacy) at least some of us have potential.

(Stacy has to cover her mouth to suppress a giggle as we move to Tom talking to Daria and Jane while Clovis is over talking to Mack, Jodie, Evan and Ted)

TOM: Congratulations, I guess you made the cut…(rubs his shoulder) although I could have told you that after you sent me flying for the 4^th time Daria.

DARIA: (Mona Lisa smile) just glad to be on the team.

(Credits roll while ‘Fight for your Right to Party’ by the Beastie Boys plays, as usual here are the out takes)

(Clovis turning round to do the stop punch on Kevin, only this time he accidentally knocks him in the face, stage crew run on to check he is ok)

CLOVIS: Whoops.

DJW OS: CUT.

(Clovis doing the thread tearing trick on Sandi, only this time he brings the whole top with him as everyone breaks down laughing he looks at the camera and nods his head with a ‘hey pretty good’ look on his face)

DJW: CUT.

DEMARTINO: Timothy the LESS I hear about you and that ACCURSED ‘Devil in a D-Cup’ the BETTER.

O’NEIL: Actually …(burst out laughing)

DJW OS: CUT

(The same thing happens 5 times with O’Neil cracking up each time until on the 6^th go he nails it and the stage crew applaud)

(Clovis holding his hand out to catch Tom above the chess set, but Tom misses the hand and lands on the table, everyone laughs)

DJW OS: CUT.

(Stephen yelling in Cantonese and Clovis translating it, each BLEEP is a new take)

CLOVIS: He said something about ‘mother, father, sand on the beach’

(BLEEP)

CLOVIS: He said ‘what do I have to do? Take a gerbil and…’ (Starts to laugh) oh God Stephen that is sick.

(BLEEP)

CLOVIS: he said (imitating SSW voice)‘Gay Chinese man goes on killing spree, next on sick sad world’

(BEEP)

CLOVIS: He more or less said “why do I even bother, do I have to mince around in a pink leather Speedo for people to get the idea?” At least I hope he did cause I am not translating anything else he says.

DJW OS CUT, that’ll do.

(Tom tries to Jump into Brittney but goes flying over her and lands with a thud off screen)

TOM OS: I’m all right…I think.

(Brittney just leans forwards laughing)

DJW OS: CUT…I swear you people are doing this on purpose now

(Daria and Tom swing the Bench but it comes out of Daria’s hand and hits the cameraman, as the shot falls over we see them both looking nervous)

DJW OS: CUT, dammit that’s the 5^th cameraman we’ve lost so far like that.

(Daria and Brittney fighting but one of them messes up so they keep going jokingly while trying not to laugh)

DJW OS: CU…oh what the hell you know the drill

(Credits end and so does this Fanfic)

Authors Notes:

Well another Story another Notes page, this story is sort of a prelude to later stuff, and also a chance for me to get my standard pattern down, usually ACT1 will be setting the scene, ACT2 will be extra stuff, ACT3 will be more plot and resolution, however I plan to deviate certain times.

In regards to the Kung-Fu I wanted to do a series of parodies of Kung-Fu movies using Daria cast but instead decided to implement it into an actual series, certain rules of Kung-Fu movies will apply to this world but also the usual rules will as well.

I look forward to writing more and as always: comments, feedback, criticisms, fan art and anything else send to mechahead@hotmail.com thanks for reading, later.