Once Upon A Time In Lawndale Vol. 1

A Fanfic by DJW, all Daria Characters are © of MTV, Viacom andÉwhat the hell you all know how this goes, the show belongs to who it belongs to, same with the characters except mineÉthey belong to me.

 

ÔOnce Upon A Time In Lawndale Vol. 1Õ

The first story arc in the series, when principal Li learns of a school Martial Arts tournament being held she pressures the Martial Arts Class to train as much as possible for this, forcing them to seek outside help from some usual and not so usual sources.

ÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ.

(Opening credits roll while the following song plays, I would like to apologize in advance for this song which seemed like such a good idea at the time.)

 

But Still by DJW

 

They say the greatest weapon is the human mind

Ask the one-armed boxer or the swordsman blind

They shall tell you that this is indeed trueÉ

But Still it helps to know some kickarse Kung Fu

 

But still; But still; now this IÕll tell you,

It also helps to know some kickarse Kung Fu

 

Now IÕve never had a lesson in all of my life

But if I did all the legends and stories would be rife

IÕd be no longer a zero,

But a righteous hero,

Peaceful and gentle like Shaolin monks

But cross me and I will tear you to chunks

 

Humble and noble like Wong Fei-Hong

Even while I beat youÕre head like a Gong

Watch in shock while I harness my Chi

Old Pai Mei AinÕt got nothing on me,

In less than the time for the clock to tick

I would grind you to dust with a No-Shadow Kick

 

But still; But still; now this IÕll tell you,

It also helps to know some kickarse Kung Fu

 

Say Ôin youÕre dreamsÕ while you treat me like dirt,

IÕll be an underdog always feeling the hurt,

But when the day comes when my dream comes true

Keep in mind I may come looking for you!

 

But still; But still; now this IÕll tell you,

It also helps to know some kickarse Kung Fu

But still; But still; now this IÕll tell you,

It also helps to know some kickarse Kung Fu

 

(The following names roll by as the music plays)

Written and Directed by DJW

 

Starring:

 

Daria Morgendorffer

 

Jane Lane

 

Thomas Sloane

 

Clovis Lee-Daniels

 

Quinn Morgendorffer

 

And special guest appearance by Ken Wan Ng

 

Action choreography by Clovis Lee-Daniels and Ken Wan Ng

(As the music finishes the following title appears, each line fading in a few seconds after the last one,)

Once Upon A Time In Lawndale

 

Volume 1

 

Preparations.

ÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ.

(ACT 1)

(A blank screen, before the actual scene appears we hear)

DARIA VO: ÒWhen I look back I realised that it all began and ended with one thing, an idea, the idea of fighting for what you believe in, we all had our reasonsÉÓ

(Now we fade into)

(SCENE: the outside of Lawndale High, the camera moves through the school until it reaches its destination of the assembly hall, Principal Li is making a speech before the assembled Lawndale High student body, behind her is a chalkboard covered in a sheet)

LI: I have an announcement for you students of ÔLaaaawndale HighÕÉ

(Cut to Daria and Jane sat at the back looking bored)

DARIA: Why does she do that anyway?

JANE: IÕd hazard a guess at it being a brain problem but I can see a flawÉ

(Back to Li)

LI: due to the exceptional performance I have been informed of taking place in our voluntary self-defence class I have taken the liberty of entering the school into a nationwide martial arts tournament,

(With this she pulls the sheet off the board with a flourish to reveal the word TOURNAMENT written on the top, we briefly cut to a study hall in Fielding, Clovis and Tom are sat at adjacent desks, suddenly Clovis looks up)

CLOVIS: Blimey, my angst-sense is tingling full blast.

TOM: Shut up Clovis.

(Now we return to the assembly)

LI: And the National Youth Self-Defence Assessment Tournament accepted our application, of course there is only a limited number of slots available, now most of these will be up for volunteers but 8 of them shall be given to one of the special classes that have been formed, now to decide this we shall be holding a tournament of our own to decide which lucky group gets to goÉ

(With this we go back to Daria and Jane, both obviously surprised but trying to appear unconcerned.)

JANE: Oh dearÉ

DARIA: Excuse me?  She uses lucky to describe a group of people who have to beat the stuffing out of each other to get to beat the stuffing out of even more people.  Frankly she has sunk to a new low.

JANE: CanÕt argue with that, now that I think of it, Clove mentioned something about this a few days agoÉhe is not going to be happyÉ

(Fade out as Principal Li continues to prattle on while drawing a diagram on the board.)

 

(SCENE: the Millionaire Express Tea-House, Daria and Jane are sat at a table; on the opposite end are sat Tom and Clovis,)

CLOVIS: (happily and grinning madly) The NYSDAT said yes?  Fantastic.

(Daria remains composed if a little surprised; Jane on the other hand is shocked as her jaw drops,)

DARIA: (remaining calm) Excuse me?

JANE: (not so) WHAT?  CLOVE YOU TOLD THAT MADWOMAN THERE WAS NO WAY IN HELL THAT ANY OF US WHERE READY FOR THAT AND WE WOULD NOT BRING HER HONOUR AND GLORYÉ

CLOVIS: Yes I did say thatÉbut I still thought we should give it a go,

(Jane glares at Clovis for a while before lunging across the table at Clovis who manages to jump back out of his chair in time; Jane proceeds to chase him around the restaurant while Daria and Tom ignore this.)

TOM: So what is your opinion on all this tournament nonsense Daria?

DARIA: Honestly I donÕt know what to think, originally I would have set out to sabotage this idea first chance I got, now IÕm notÉ (trails off)

TOM: So sure?

DARIA: (sighing) Got it in one; I guess I have some sort of morbid curiosity as to how good I would do if I entered.  But still, I guess IÕd probably fall at the first hurdle.

TOM: You know I used to find your low self-esteem cute, now I realise its just sad.

(Daria is about to glare at Tom but then sees he is smiling, she smiles back before sighing again and resuming, in the background Jane is still pursuing Clovis while now Stephen watches in confusion)

DARIA: Thanks for the vote of confidence, but IÕm still not sure.

TOM: (shrugging) Well there is a chance you may not have a choice about matters really, so why not try out, if you lose you lose, end of story, but if you winÉ

DARIA: I suppose you have a point, but blame me if I keep drafting you into extra sparring sessions.

TOM: DealÉjust try not to throw me onto the bed so often, itÕs getting kinda awkward explaining to your mother that itÕs not what it looks like whenever she bursts in.

(Daria just grins in response, then in the background Jane grabs ClovisÕs braid and he is yanked off his feet and falls to the ground, the two turn to look at this)

DARIA: And to think, if we didnÕt have a date planned we would be able to watch this at SpyralÕs gig later tonight.

TOM: What daÉ (dawning on him) OHHHH, yes too bad, date and all that.

(At this we fade out to the next scene.)

 

(SCENE: the ÔScrap-HeapÕ before opening time, Mystik Spyral are setting up along with Jane, Clovis, and Danny Moreno who are helping by carrying stuff in, Jane seems to have calmed down although Clovis has his braid wrapped around his neck just to be sure)

JANE: I must say IÕm amazed these guys are headlining, usually they are the opening act.

CLOVIS: yeah, canÕt say IÕve heard of the opening band, ÒIsa and the YojoÕsÓ I do believe they are called.  By the way Danny, did you talk to Trent and see if you could get him to stop acting weird around me?

DANNY: Yeah, he just wants you to promise that you wonÕt throw him out of a window (under his breath) again.

(Clovis raises an eyebrow at this and looks at Jane)

JANE: DonÕt look at me; IÕm as puzzled as you are.

(The three set the stuff down and look at the band)

CLOVIS: Oi mates, what else do you need lugging out that knackered looking van?

MAX: What did you say about my baby?

JANE: Max Relax he was joking.

MAX: No I meant what did he say?  I canÕt understand half the stuff he says.

CLOVIS: Hey itÕs no problem of mine if ole slaphead here cannot comprehend the Queens English.

JANE: the queen of what?  The magic potato people who live in her shoes?  Sometimes Clove you speak a load of ÔbollocksÕ I believe the term is?

(The two begin to stand and glare at each other)

DANNY: (Stepping between them before things get ugly) Ok-people-lets-get-back-to-work-here-the-instruments-wont-set-themselves-up-unaided-now-will-they?

(This is said in one very fast, very hyper sounding breath)

TRENT: Whoa, I guess letting him eat all that candy wasnÕt such a cool idea.

JESSE: Yeah

NICK: I know, remember that last sugar-rush?  Lasted a full week before he wore down.

(Jane and Clovis glare at each other for another second before returning to carrying stuff)

TRENT: ItÕs gonna be a long gig guys.

MAX: I dunno, the openers set only lasts 20 minutesÉ

(The others look at him rolling their eyes as we fade out)

 

(SCENE: later at the same club, the opening band is just finishing their final song, the lead singer then speaks, she is a young blonde woman in jeans and a black ÔdonÕt believe the lieÕ t-shirt and a studded wristband with a silver cross[1])

ISA: Thank you, good nightÉand if anyone finds that knife please hand it into the bar.

(As they leave the stage we move to show Jane and Clovis leaning against the bar, each with sodas)

JANE: Well that was interesting, havenÕt heard a cover of the ÔMortal KombatÕ theme played before.

CLOVIS: Yup, hereÕs hoping the guys can manage a suitable performance now.

TRENT OS: Hey, weÕre Mystik SpyralÉbut weÕre thinking of changing our names.  This is a song we call ÔPaingasmÕ

JANE: Oh God, lets move to the other room, (she begins to walk) but donÕt complain about the music, and no fighting if it can helpedÉand try not to draw to much attention to us, I donÕt want people to keep thinking weÕre a couple.

CLOVIS: (walking behind her slightly annoyed) Certainly, am I breathing too loud as well?  Because I could stop doing that if you want, I mean youÕve stopped me doing everything else fun so why not just go ahead and take away my living privileges?

(Jane is about to respond but decides against it, when they reach the door they open it to find the room from ÔDeadpan MasterÕ as some random music plays out of the jukebox/speaker system)

CLOVIS: You know, maybe I should have asked you guys about the tournament.

JANE: (sarcastically) Gee ya think?

CLOVIS: It has been known to happen on the odd occasion yes.

JANE: Sorry, I guess IÕm just a little snappy about this, I obviously seem to be the worse in the class and I suppose IÕm a little mad.

CLOVIS: DonÕt worry Janey, there are worse students than you, that Evan kid for instance, sure he seems to have some skill but he lacks any discipline, humility, or self-control.  A true martial artist must remain clear-headed at all time and not rise to any taunts.  That is the essence of Kung-Fu.

VOICE OS: Kung-Fu is a load of Bullshit.

CLOVIS: (Madly and Audibly) WHO THE HELL IS THE DEAD PRAT WHO JUST SAID THAT?

JANE: (as the place goes quiet, even the music stops) excellent self control my friend.

VOICE OS: I said that!

(Jane and Clovis turns to see a somewhat inebriated Evan, he has a beer in his hand, which he chugs from now and then)

EVAN: (slightly slurred) So IÕm not good enough for you am I?  You think that bitch is better than me huh?  Well come one (goes into his monkey stance) IÕll show you, lets get it onÉ

(ClovisÕs rage is apparent when the soda bottle in his hand smashes in his grip, he shakes off the broken glass that thankfully didnÕt cut him and looks ready to killÉor at least cause severe discomfort)

JANE: Leave him alone Clove, he isnÕt worth it,

CLOVIS: (angrily) The little pile of wank deserves to be taught a lessonÉ

JANE: come on, it wouldnÕt be fair fighting him, heÕs drunk, and you always said you preferred a fair fight.

CLOVIS: That I did, (he gets the same unsettling grin he got when he fought Sandi in ÔUnder the Principals OrdersÕ and suddenly grabs 2 bottles from the bar) so lets equal things out a little shall we?

(With that he smashes the tops off the bottles and begins to pour the contents down his throat with gusto while Jane looks on in shock while we fade out.)

 

(SCENE: Back in the Millionaire Express, Daria and Tom are the only customers and Maggie is the only staff member there, it appears the place is closed, the 3 are all sat at the bar, Daria and Tom are both eating something from bowls with chopsticks.)

TOM: So Maggie why the early closing today?

MAGGIE: Oh you know, Stephen went to like a gig to see his boyfriend or whatever, and we never get many customers on these nights or something so the boss decided to give the others a break and close up early, which was really cool.

DARIA: well weÕre grateful for the sanctuary, I donÕt think I could stand to see our 2 friends at each others throats all night, hopefully they can get through tonight without killing each other.

TOM: Yeah, it would be very inconsiderate of them to do something like thatÉespecially when we arenÕt around to watch.

MAGGIE: You guys are such freaks; my parents would hate youÉ(jokingly) you want to come for dinner next time I visit home?

DARIA: Tempting but I could barely spend 5 minutes in a room with your sister; if I spent any longer I may be forced to commit a felony, so I must decline.

MAGGIE: Oh well, IÕm getting a beer, either of you want one?  I wont tell.

TOM: Thanks but legal drinking age or not I donÕt drink, lets say some friends and me had a bad experience once, thatÕs all IÕll say.

DARIA: IÕll pass as well, you see enough drunken jocks and you worry about your precious brain cells.

MAGGIE: (shrugging) Suit yourself, (as she vanishes under the bar we hear her voice from OS) So Tom, would this experience apply to Clovis?

TOM: Actually he wasnÕt there at the time; he doesnÕt drink because he becomes ÔunpredictableÕ so he usually wont touch the stuff.  I hope he doesnÕt do anything stupid tonight though, he was in a bit of a foul mood.

DARIA: IÕm sure heÕll show whatever it is passes for responsibility by his whacked out views, I doubt he will wake up tomorrow with any nasty surprises.

(Fade out on this as the 3 continue eating and talking)

 

(SCENE: Clovis wakes up in a bed apparently naked except for his cap, the sheets spare us the sight of most of his body, whether this is a good or bad thing depends on youÕre persuasion.)

CLOVIS: Oh God, my head feels like there is a Frenchman living in itÉ

(He looks around confused)

CLOVIS: What the bloody hell did I do last night?

(He picks up a red shirt)

CLOVIS: Hello?  This looks familiarÉoh Bollocks

(Then he looks to his side stunned)

CLOVIS: EEPÉ

(Then he screams as we pan along to show a sleeping Jane in the bed next to him.)

end of Act 1.

ÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ.

Advert break: ÔPower PowderÕ

Yes ÔPower PowderÕ the perfect substance to add more bang for your buck in any fight scene, simply spray it on the stuntmen and then pummel them into oblivion, watch the powder give an extra degree of strength to your blows, your opponent may be sorry, but you wont be.

ÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ.

(ACT 2)

(SCENE: Jane in an alley surrounded by thugs, throwing her red shirt to the ground she removes a pair of nunchaku from behind her back, when more thugs arrive she takes out a second pair and begins to spin them.)

JANE: letÕs dance shall we?

(She then is about to start pummelling the thugs when she hears a scream causing her to lose focus; she smacks herself on the head with both nunchaku and falls forwards as the scene blurs out to become the previous scene with Clovis still screaming, she opens here eyes and sees him as well returns the scream, she screams back and then looks at the situationÉthen resumes screaming.)

VOICE OS: (sounding adult, male, and with the same accent as Clovis) Clovis whatÕs wrong?

(Clovis looks around frantically then grabs Jane and throws her rather unceremoniously on top of a closet near the door, she looks annoyed but this turns to panic when the bedroom door begins to open so she opens a suitcase and hides behind the lid, as the door opens to show a well-dressed man in his mid 40Õs who looks a lot like Clovis walks in, this is Emmett Lee-Daniels, ClovisÕs father)

EMMETT: WhatÕs all the hubbub son?

CLOVIS: (nervously) uh nothing father, just had a bad dreamÉ(Emmett looks at him disbelievingly) REALLY BADÉ(the look continues) the Bruceploitation dreamÉ

(At this Emmett gets a sympathetic look as he walks further into the room)

EMMETT: Ah I see, must have been a Le, Li and Ly job from the look of things.

(Clovis looks down and sees he is not naked thankfully but his trousers are shredded and slashed quite a bit, he also has several cuts on his body)

CLOVIS: (nodding frantically) Oh yeah, possibly La, Lo and Lu as wellÉ

(As his father passes him he waves at Jane to get out, she tries to get off but trips and lands on the ground, when Emmett turns round she rolls under the bed before he can see her, he shrugs and returns to talking to Clovis)

EMMETT: Are you ok son?  You look a littleÉwell actually a lot like a train wreck.

CLOVIS: IÕm fine I just got back kind of late after my security job, I think some drunk caused some trouble and may have clonked me on the head at one point.

EMMETT: well they wonÕt have damaged anything; IÕll leave you to clean up.

(With that, Emmett leaves, after a while Jane rolls out from under the bed; she is wearing her tights and t-shirt, as she gets to her feet Clovis opens the wardrobe and takes out his shirt, he throws Jane her red one while she looks for the rest of her clothes)

JANE: (picking up and putting on her shorts) Clove I think one of us has defiantly got some explaining to doÉ

(And on that we fade outÉonly to fade back in as we hearÉ)

EMMETT OS: Oh that was itÉ

CLOVIS: (panicking) That will have to waitÉ

(As the door begins to open again Clovis grabs Jane and throws her at the ceiling, strangely enough she doesnÕt come down as Emmett walks back in)

EMMETT: Your mother wants to know if you want any breakfast or not?

CLOVIS: IÕll get something myself, donÕt worry.

(As Clovis escorts his father to the door we pan up to show Jane hanging to the ceiling fan for dear life, just as Emmett is at the door he stops)

EMMETT: ItÕs a bit sweltering in here, put the fan on.

(Show JaneÕs look of abject terror as he flicks the switch, as Jane lets go Clovis dives forwards pushing the bed under her, he then tilts it so she is bounced into the open closet, his father turns around confused as he shuts the wardrobe)

CLOVIS: (innocently) what?

EMMETT: Oh nothing, nothing, I just wanted to know (swiftly and grabbing the wardrobe handle) what was in your wardrobeÉ

(He swings it open to reveal it is empty and very Janeless so he sticks his head in to investigate, Clovis looks on shocked then looks at the inside of the door as his jacket falls to the floor to show Jane hidden underneath clinging to the hanger, she lets go and he shepherds her to the window, pushing her up behind the curtains he turns to his father oblivious to the sounds of protest which mysteriously trail off)

CLOVIS: Father no offence but what in the name of mayonnaise are you doing now?

EMMETT: (extracting himself) IÕm not sure myself to be honest; could have swornÉno never mind, it was nothing, IÕll leave you beÉ (As he walks out looking slightly bemused he looks around) and for Gods sake let some light in here,

(With that he heads to the curtains and grabs hold of them with a terrified Clovis watching on, he throws them open dramatically to revealÉnothing but an open window, Emmett looks proud in a ÔthatÕs betterÕ sort of way and walks out leaving a stunned Clovis to slowly walk to the window and stare in awe,)

CLOVIS: What the bloody hell?

(As he leans out a hand shoots up and grabs his neck, pulling him down to be face to face with a VERY pissed off looking Jane, she has leaves and twigs in her hair)

JANE: You have got a hell of a lot to explain Clove, and it had better be good enough to make me forgive you for pushing me out a 2nd storey window into a hedge and having me scale a drainpipe this early in the morningÉ

(With that we fade out for real this time.)

 

(SCENE: DariaÕs room, she is looking at something on her computer)

DARIA: I normally wouldnÕt like to have to dip into the cabin fund, but what the hell, order placed.

(With that she clicks something and leans back in her chair)

DARIA: Now what do I do?  (She picks up her phone and dials, after a while she puts the phone down) ThatÕs weird, even Jane is usually awake by now.  She must have had a good night last night

(Fade out on this)

 

(SCENE: ClovisÕs room, Jane is sat cross-legged on the floor staring at Clovis in disbelief while he is sat opposite her looking nervous)

JANE: SOMETHING HAPPENED?  ThatÕs all you have to say about last night?

CLOVIS: Well thatÕs what IÕve narrowed it down to; all I know I remember is someone challenging me while I was in a bad moodÉeverything after that is a blur.

JANE: Given the amount you where drinking IÕm not surprised, this is kind of worrying, all I remember isÉcrap I know as much as you.

CLOVIS: Well at least we ruled out the possibility of us doing something too stupid, we may have to try and find out from other people what we did.

JANE: No, if we ask people will know we canÕt remember it and jump to conclusions, and there is no way IÕm going to ask Daria to do this, IÕd never hear the end of it, we need someone who wonÕt say anything.

(Fade out as Clovis gets a look of inspiration.)

 

(SCENE: Dega Street comic store[2], Wasabi and ÔJDÕ are browsing, suddenly WasabiÕs cell phone rings, he answers it while his friend continues to browse)

WASABI: YoÉClovis? ÉWhat the hell do you want? (Long pause then he replies in Japanese) ok slow down I canÕt hear youÉwhat? ÉyouÕre serious? Éok IÕll see what I can find, just give me some names to follow upÉno of course I wont say anything, of all the people you know IÕm the one who understands this the most, yeah sure, sayonara.

(He hangs up and glances around to see if anyone is around)

WASABI: Well, well, wellÉ

JD: What was that about?

WASABI: Oh nothing, my father wanted me to pick some things up for him, I may be busy for the rest of the day, think you can occupy yourself?

JD: What am I a geek?

WASABI: Yes.

JD: And damn proud of it, of course I can occupy myself,

WASABI: Great, well see you later, I got to run

(He leaves to a somewhat puzzled ÔJDÕ as we fade out)

 

(Back in ClovisÕs room, he hangs up the phone)

CLOVIS: Well its in capable hands, all we can do is wait now.

JANE: Your willing to trust Wasabi to keep this to himself?

CLOVIS: Janey, trust me when I say Wasabi knows more about this sort of thing than anyone else, I cant say more as I promised him just like heÕs promised me.

JANE: Well as long as he keeps his trap shut.  Listen Clove, I think we should just act like nothings happened until we get all the details, I donÕt want to have to hate you unless I have a very good reason, agreed?

CLOVIS: (confused) ooooookay, I need to start preparing for your principals little tournament anyway, I think she wants me and the other instructors to meet to discuss it, I think she wants to get started Monday, you may want to work on your formsÉfeel like working off some aggression?

JANE: (thinking for a while) Oh why not, but first how about some breakfast?

CLOVIS: (nods and holds out his hand) deal, truce?

JANE: TruceÉbut if I found out you did something bad there will be repercussions and they will most probably be hamsters involvedÉ

(we fade out on the two shaking hands with Clovis grinning nervously.)

 

(SCENE: QuinnÕs room, the fashion club are sat in their usual places, they seem to mid meeting except for Stacy who keeps looking at a newspaper)

SANDI: so now that we have finished our discussion of current trends I would like to open a discussion on our principals growing obsession with these annoying self defence lessons that have been cutting into valuable dating time.

QUINN: oh I know Sandi, you think its bad then you should try being in a special classÉ

SANDI For your information Quinn I am in a special class.  You and Stacy where no doubt too fixated with your own lessons to notice I transferred to another group.  After what that geek of a teacher did I had no choice.  And my skill just happened to impress the teacher enough to include me in his special class.

TIFFANY: So that makes you special?

QUINN: (surprised) What?  Sandi I had no ideaÉwait a minute, didnÕt you tell me and Stacy that the classes where for people who ÔdidnÕt measure up?Õ  isnÕt that right Stacy?

STACY: (reading the paper) huh?

SANDI: (taking the first chance to change subject) My God Stacy, why do you keep reading that thing?  Only losers like geeks and brains read newspapersÉwhere did you find that thing anyway?

STACY: I asked QuinnÕs father if I could read it when he was finishedÉ

SANDI: (Glancing at the glare Quinn is giving her) ohÉ

STACY: IÕm sorry but there is this article about a guy who keeps following young girls at night andÉactually I hadnÕt read far enough to see what he does,

(Quinn takes the paper and looks at it, there is large headline saying ÔLAWNDALE STALKER TERRORISES TEEN SWEET LASSESÕ causing Quinn to roll her eyes)

QUINN: Ugh, Stacy thatÕs just some tabloid rumour to get people to buy more copies.

TIFFANY: YeahÉits like that story about eating paint causes brain damageÉ

(there is an uncomfortable silence at this)

TIFFANY: What?  My sister once made me when we where little.

QUINN: Moving on I just realised something, Sandi if the tournament goes through then we may have to fight each otherÉ

SANDI: well personally I would like to test myself against the best your class has to offer, I hear your teacher seems to think your one of his best studentsÉ

QUINN: Really?  I always thought he said DaÉmy cousin was one of the best, thanks for telling me that Sandi.

SANDI VO: No, thank YOU QuinnÉ

(Fade out on Sandi with a cunning grin)

 

(SCENE: a front door, we see a grey gloved hand knock on the door, eventually the door is opened to reveal a very hung-over looking Evan with a black eye)

EVAN: What do you want?

(switch to behind Evan, looking over his shoulder we see Wasabi stood in his trench-coat with an unlit ÔcigÕ hanging out of his mouth and a pair of shades)

WASABI: Evan Farmer, I would like to ask you a few questions in regards to last night.

EVAN: What?  Dude I donÕt know what you want but I am no mood for any games

WASABI: I just wish to inquire about the altercation which you where said to be involved in the previous night.

EVAN: What the hell?  Who told you about that?  Get lost now orÉEEP

(Evan stops when he suddenly finds a Colt Python in his face)

WASABI: (looking away to light the ÔcigÕ with his free hand) You misinterpret me my friend that was not a request.

(Fade out on Evans worried face)

 

(SCENE: a blank screen)

EVAN VO: OK IÕll tell you in my own words what happened, now this is how I remember it.

(SCENE: the ÔScrap-HeapÕ back during that night, for some reason the picture quality is a bit blurry and the voices donÕt seem to sync when people talk sometimes)

EVAN VO: I had gone out for the night to unwind, I was stood there minding my own business.

(Show Evan stood there, drinking from a bottle, he looks completely sober)

EVAN VO: Suddenly I heard a voice talking about meÉ

VOICE VO: (It has a British accent and is very deep and evil sounding) That Evan boy, his kung-fu is weak.  He lacks skill and is not a true martial artistÉ

EVAN VO: they had insulted me and I felt obliged to defend myself.

EVAN: ThatÕs a load of bullshit, I am a true master of Kung-FuÉ

(the place goes silent and the crowd parts to reveal Clovis who seems to have grown a moustache and a very long beard, at his side is Jane only more make-up and just looking generally eviler than normal)

EVIL CLOVIS: (as he strokes his facial hair) who is the impudent whelp that dares to challenge me?

JANE: It was him my most excellent masterÉ

EVAN: You dare to mock me?  You have offended my familyÕs honour, for that you must pay.

(Clovis lets out a long eeeeevil laugh as Evan goes into his monkey stance)

JANE: Leave him Master, he is not worth your effortÉ

EVIL CLOVIS: it deserves to be taught a lesson.

JANE: But master, you could defeat ten men while drunk, he is a waste of your talent.

EVIL CLOVIS: (Laughing as he flicks his beard) So true, (picking up the bottles) Let him feel the fury of my Drunken Fist!

(With that he grabs the bottles and begins to drink copious amounts of their contents, as he throws away the last bottle he begins to assume a boxing like stance only he is swaying back and forth and staggering)

EVAN VO: he appeared to be drunk but I did not believe this so I went into this battle fully prepared.

EVAN: Monkey steals the peach!

(Evan dives at Clovis who seems to stagger and sway out of the path of all of EvanÕs monkey like punches, which incidentally are accompanied by various monkey sound effects, suddenly he lands a punch with a loud SWOOSH sound effect on Evan who staggers back)

EVIL CLOVIS: (laughing) I am the god Lu, the Drunkard with great inner strength!

(Evan resumes trying to attack Clovis who this time lands a sudden kick that knocks Evan several feet backwards and into the air, he grabs onto a pole and swings around, stopping on it in a very simian manner)

EVAN: Monkey hangs on tree branch!

EVIL CLOVIS: The God Li, the cripple with the strong left leg.  (He suddenly goes into a stance like someone holding a large thing between their harms) Watch out, Fat Han has a pot to catch your monkeyÉ

(the two resume their fighting with Clovis swinging his arms in the pot holding manner and Evan kicking him away while hanging from the ceiling before diving off)

EVAN: Monkey dives from tree!

EVIL CLOVIS: A sudden attack to the waist, the God Lan!

(As Clovis tries to land this attack Evan counters and lands several blows of his own to Clovis, tearing the sleeves from his shirt)

EVIL CLOVIS: (removing the shirt so he is now bare-chested) I underestimate your skill, let us see how you fare against the swift double kicks of the God Chang!

(As Clovis begins to kick Evan flips onto his hands and begins to counter Clovis kick for kick, eventually kicking him square in the chest)

EVAN: Monkey does a handstand!

EVIL CLOVIS: How dare youÉfeel the deadly throat lock of the God Tso!

(As he lunges for Evans throat Evan flips to the ground and then swiftly back flips up onto ClovisÕs shoulder)

EVAN: Monkey rides the Dragon (kicking Clovis in the head as he jumps off) Monkey slays the Dragon!

EVIL CLOVIS: (Staggering back) insect, hear the death knell played on Hans Flute (He holds his hands like someone playing a flute and swings round and under Evans blows landing a punch on Evans face) I shall tear you asunder!

EVAN VO: Now I donÕt know what a sunder is and I didnÕt want to find out so I decided to end it there.

EVAN: Claws of the Stone Monkey!  (With this he slashes with his hands at Clovis, tearing strips out of his clothes and leaving a series of cuts on his chest)

EVIL CLOVIS: Your Kung-Fu is like nothing IÕve seen before, you leave me no choice but to release the power of the woman flaunting her body, Miss HoÉ

(As Clovis begins to use a very feminine style of moves Evan is taken by surprise as Jane grabs him from behind)

JANE: I have him master!

(As Clovis is suddenly about to punch Evan he slips out of her grip)

EVAN: Monkey evades the Snake!

(As Clovis instead hits Jane Evan spins to deliver his attack)

EVAN: Iron Fisted Monkey!

(With this he delivers a powerful punch that sends the two off them flying, he stands over the two cowering figures victoriously)

EVAN VO: before I could celebrate my victory I was attacked againÉ

(A figure strikes Evan sending him sprawling as he looks up, the lights of the club obscure the white haired figure standing over him, but the shine of a white beard and eyebrows is visible)

EVAN VO: must have been my opponentÕs master, thankfully before this guy could do anything the police turned up.

VOICE VO: Alright everyone break it upÉ

(We fade out to EvanÕs bedroom; he is lounging on his bed talking while Wasabi holds a notepad)

EVAN: And thatÕs what I recall, hope that helps.

WASABI: Well itÕs certainly given me one big leadÉ

(We see Wasabi underline something, then move in on the notepad to show that next to EvanÕs name there is the word IDIOT & JERK and not much more, we fade out on this.)

End of Act 2.

ÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ.

Advert break: ÔFlying GuillotineÕ

 

ÔThe mean machine that cuts heads off clean!Õ  As seen on Sick Sad World!

Used by imperial government agents and crazy old blind men, this hand dandy device comes in great for killing Ming revolutionaries or the one armed man who killed your students, simply throw at your target, when it lands on your head it returns with merely a flick of the wrist with their head inside, it comes in a choice of traditional bronze or the new red collapsible version.

Order now and get a free bottle of blood remover for those pesky stains.

ÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ.

(ACT 3)

(SCENE: Principal LiÕs office, she is sat at her desk, sat before her are Clovis, Mrs Barch, an Asian man and another man wearing tweed and a pair of glasses, Clovis keeps on looking at the man curiously)

LI: As you all know I have called you here today to discuss the preliminary tournament to see which of your classes will be selected for the tournament.  I assume you all are aware of the current rules?

(General murmurs of the negative)

LI: We engage in organised bouts to determine which of our classes is best.

CLOVIS: (irreverently) so in other words we get them to beat each other to a pulp to see who is best at said pulp beating so they can use said skills in the tournament?

LI: (annoyed) In so many words.

CLOVIS: No offence meant to the others but shouldnÕt we first check to make sure all of us have taught our classes enough?

BARCH: (indignant) IÕll have you know young MAN (extra acidic emphasis on that word) I am in charge of the Ôtake back the nightÕ womenÕs self defence class.

CLOVIS: Yes IÕve been reading the folder you supplied and despite a tendency towards discrimination against certain students (VO) anyone with a bleeding Y chromosome (end VO) they all seem to be learning the basics of Judo and such and such.

LI: Mr Lee-Daniels but given that you are still a mere high school student I think you are the last person to be talking about lack of experience.  Mr Zhengdong and Mr Edwards are both fully trained professionalsÉ

CLOVIS: (interrupting and looking at the man in tweed) I KNEW IT, (pointing at him) youÕre that freak Ken Edwards, I remember Principal Brucie fired from the substitute job for putting the moves on a studentÉ

LI: Excuse me?  You told me that you had never worked for schools before!

EDWARDS: I swear IÕve no idea what heÕs talking about, IÕve been a teacher of Shaolin Chinese Kickboxing Karate for 5 yeaÉ

(He is cut off by Clovis suddenly kicking him in the face without fully leaving his chair; Mr Edwards falls back in his chair and doesnÕt move except for the odd twitch of the ankle, Zhengdong and Barch look at this surprised)

CLOVIS: (calmly) obviously he exaggerated his martial prowess.

ZHENDONG: (Standing up to leave) thatÕs it, there was never any mention of physical injury in the contract, I quit I mean IÕm an interactive strategist for crying out loudÉ

(As he leaves Principal Li and Ms Barch glare at Clovis)

CLOVIS: Well I suppose itÕs just the two of us nowÉ

(Fade out on this)

 

(SCENE: DariaÕs room in the morning, she is packing her bags ready for school)

JAKE OS: hey Kiddo thereÕs a package for you here, mind if I come in?

DARIA: Ok but abandon all hope.

JAKE: (as he enters) you know I think I did that a long time agoÉ (He holds out a bundle from under his arm) itÕs not another fake skull is it?

DARIA: Well itÕs definitely not fakeÉ

JAKE: WHAT?

(He drops it in shock while Daria quickly catches it)

DARIA: Kidding Dad, I have to run to school now, IÕll see you later.

(With that she puts the bundle down and walks out leaving Jake to nudge the package with his foot before leaving quickly)

 

(SCENE: Lawndale high assembly hall, Principal Li is preparing to make a speech with the rest of the faculty sat behind her, Jane and Daria are sat near the back,)

DARIA: I tried contacting you all weekend but Trent said you where either out running or asleep, you must have had one eventful nightÉ

JANE: (quickly) how much do you know?

DARIA: Excuse me?

JANE: (recovering) nothing, IÕm just playing, forget it.

DARIA: ooookayÉ(looking at the staff) is it just me or does Ms Barch have a black eye?

VOICE OS: Its not you, I introduced her to the concept of equal opportunities.

(The two look along to see Clovis sat next to Jane)

JANE: What the hell are you doing here?

VOICE OS: We got invited.

(They look the other way to see Tom is now next to Daria)

DARIA: ShouldnÕt you be in school?  And if you answer with Ôtechnically I amÕ then I will kick you.

TOM: SpoilsportÉactually why are we here Clovis?

CLOVIS: YouÕll seeÉ

LI: Attention students of Laaaawndale HighÉ

TOM: Why does she do that anyway?

JANE: Wow DŽjˆ vu

CLOVIS: Is that an Indian style?

(They all look at Clovis who is grinning)

DARIA: Wow you actually made a joke; there may be hope for you yet,

LI: I have to announce some changes for our plan in regards to the tournament, after careful assessment that did in no way involve an illegal street fight we have decided that the preliminaries shall be cancelled and class number 4, that of Mr Lee-Daniels shall be entered into the tournament, all members should know that this is entirely voluntary however not volunteering means you would forgo all the benefits we shall be giving tournament entrants.

DARIA: Benefits?

CLOVIS: Took some negotiations I can tell you.

LI: such as access to a special training ground for the next month and a half, this shall allow you to hone your skills, and you will not be penalised for missing schoolÉso long as they are at the groundsÉ

DARIA: (Indignantly) Clovis do you realise she is using the exact same method of bribery/blackmail to convince students to focus on some stupid idea to gain her publicity and no doubt money at the expense of their studies and everything else we are supposed to come to school for?

CLOVIS: oh ye of little faith watch and learn (loudly clears his throat so Li hears him)

LI: (hurriedly) Of course all participants will still have to do homework assigned from 2 resident teachers.

JANE: How did you manage to convince her to agree to that?

CLOVIS: I told her I would sort out the arrangements for the training at no cost to her, all she had to do was make sure the students got some studying done.

TOM: By any chance did you give a similar agreement to Principal Brucie to let him give us time off school to do the same?

CLOVIS: No he agreed straight away, said something about Ôas long as it will shut that mad woman up IÕm gameÕ ÉI donÕt think he likes your principal.

DARIA: Sounds like a sane man.

(Daria now raises an eyebrow as Tom and Clovis put their hands over their mouths to stop themselves laughing as we fade out.)

 

(SCENE: the foursome leaving the school at the end of the day)

DARIA: So pizza anyone?

CLOVIS: love to but I need to discuss with your principal a few minor details.

TOM: and I need to get to Fielding and collect our homework, I asked Wasabi but he said he had ÔbusinessÕ to take care of (Jane and Clovis glance at each other nervously) so it falls to me.

DARIA: Why donÕt you just ask ÔJDÕ?

TOM: because ÔJDÕ despite being a nice guy most of the time is deep down at heart an amoral psychopath who will use his friends for anything that would amuse himÉits best not to wind up owing him favours.

CLOVIS: sounds like his MO, anyways I shall see you later, (turning to head to the door) Once more unto the breach dear friendsÉI have got to stop talking to ÔChunkÕ.

(with this he heads in to the confused looks of Daria and Jane)

JANE: Chunk?

TOM: DonÕt ask, anyway I gotta get going, see you later.

(with that Tom runs off as well leaving our favourite two)

DARIA: Pizza then your place?

JANE: Sounds like a plan.

(Fade out as they walk away.)

 

(SCENE: Principal LiÕs office, she is sat at her desk with Clovis sat facing her)

LI: Mr Lee-Daniels I hope you appreciate how much I am having to sacrifice for this little idea of yours.

CLOVIS: technically it was your idea but IÕm not one to split hairs (VO) Unless a katana is involved (end VO) but I guarantee that if I train them up enough and teach them the proper knowledge then we stand a much better shot at winning.

LI: fine, but if we lose I will hold you responsible.  Now moving on to the teachers, I would recommend Coach Gibson and Mrs Morris.

CLOVIS: I beg to differ, the Coach would go into withdrawals from lack of sports news and Morris is abusive to some of the students and I donÕt think leaving her alone in the woods with them is a good ideaÉfor both sides welfare.

LI: (after thinking for a while) I must begrudgingly admit I see your point, Dr Manson and Mr Phelps?

CLOVIS: Daria Morgendorffer may be involved, she would have Manson running screaming in minutes, and Mr Phelps is soÉnon-existent for lack of a better word.

LI: OÕNeil and Barch?

(She and Clovis look at each other for a few seconds before both shuddering)

CLOVIS: I would recommend DeMartino and Defoe.

LI: (surprised) And may I ask why?

CLOVIS: DeMartino got the Martial and Defoe got the Art.  Plus I think a break from the likes of Kevin Thompson and Tiffany Blum-Deckler would do them good.  Counselling costs money you know.

LI: (upon hearing the word money) Deal.  IÕll leave the rest up to you.

(we fade out on Clovis getting an unsettling grin as he cracks his knuckles)

 

(SCENE: Casa Del Lane, Daria is laying on the bed while Jane is painting something, it seems to be a figure in black and a baseball cap, obviously Clovis but the face is blurred up, as she finishes she looks at it and sees what she has painted, then quickly swipes a big splash of red over it)

DARIA: Canvas making you angry again?

JANE: More like the subject matterÉ

DARIA: Huh?

JANE: Forget it, (after a hesitant pause) hey Daria, have you and Tom ever done anything you regretted?

DARIA: you mean besidesÉ

JANE: (Interrupting) let it go Daria, you apologised and I forgave you, he apologised and I forgave him, (she starts to paint on the canvas again) but seriously, have you?

DARIA: not really, althoughÉ(VO) Oh what the hell, itÕll be worth telling her just to see her face (end VO) the time we slept together and saw each other naked could have been better planned.

JANE: (not fully listening) Uh-HuhÉ

(Jane then freezes fully and drops the paintbrush)

DARIA VO: 3É2É1É

JANE: (loud enough to no doubt shake the house) WHAT?

DARIA: (grinning) itÕs a long storyÉ

(we fade out and fade back in as Daria finishes recounting the events of ÔOne Night Is All I AskÕ and ÔOne Day Is All I AskÕ to a captive JaneÉand I donÕt mean it like that you perverts)

DARIA: Éof course by then all I could do was mumble and pass out.

JANE: (silent for a while before finally speaking) wowÉjust wow.

DARIA: it was an interesting nightÉyou tell ANYONE about this and I will kill you with a slightly warm spoon, so now its your turn, spill it Lane, why the sudden interest?

(Jane seems reluctant to speak when Trent walks in)

TRENT: Hey Janey, Hey Daria, have either of you seen Danny?  He was supposed to get here a while ago, we havenÕt seen him since some guy with green hair asked to talk to himÉ

(Fade out on Daria looking at the nervous expression on JaneÕs face and thinking)

 

(SCENE: A bedroom, no doubt DannyÕs, he is sat on the bed while Wasabi is stood there with a notepad.)

DANNY: (not as fast as last time) So what do you want from me again?

WASABI: Just tell me everything you can remember about the fight at the club on Friday, thatÕs all I need and then IÕll go.

(Danny nods as we fade out)

 

(SCENE: a blank screen)

DANNY VO: OK IÕll tell you in my own words what happened, now this is how I remember it.

(SCENE: the ÔScrap-HeapÕ back during that night, the picture quality is fine except for the colours being more softer than they would have been.)

DANNY VO: I had gone in to look for Jane and Clovis, as they werenÕt watching the band, I was a little worried at how quiet the place wasÉ

(Show Danny walking in, he looks around before walking up to Isa and her bass player, a man in his 40s with a brown flat top streaked with grey and a similar moustache and goatee, a fish shaped bass is slung over his shoulder[3])

DANNY: Hey whatÕs going on?

BASS PLAYER: Some idiots are going to beat each other senseless for some stupid reason or another.

ISA: Parker!  Man lighten up and enjoy the show.

PARKER: Whatever.

(Danny rolls his eyes and moves closer as he hearsÉ)

JANE: come on, it wouldnÕt be fair fighting him, heÕs drunk, and you always said you preferred a fair fight.

(He pushes through the crowd to seeÉ)

CLOVIS: That I did, (he gets the same unsettling grin he got when he fought Sandi in ÔUnder the Principals OrdersÕ and suddenly grabs 2 bottles from the bar) so lets equal things out a little shall we?

(With that Clovis smashes the tops off the bottles and begins to pour the contents down his throat with gusto while Jane looks on in shock while he continues to drink, Danny manages to get alongside Jane and looks on in shock as well.)

DANNY: Dude what is going on?

JANE: I wish I knewÉ

(Clovis begins to stumble around in a set pattern of moves giving the appearance of being drunk, Evan stays in his monkey stance but wobbles slightly)

CLOVIS: (sounding a little slurred) Come on then, let us fightÉ

EVAN: (slurred as well) here I comeÉ

(The two leap at each other, going well over the heads of the patrons of the club, as they pass each other in mid-air the exchange several blows, Evan doing monkey like moves and Clovis doing drunken style, both of them seem to be slightly exaggerating their moves, they both land on the shoulders of the stunned clubbers and now begin to fight while balancing on the heads and shoulders of people,)

DANNY VO: Those guys busted some serious moves, it was unreal,

JANE: What is that idiot doing this for?

(Jane makes a frustrated ÔughÕ noise as she grabs a bottle off the bar and drinks it)

DANNY: I was going to ask you the same questionÉsure you can drink that?

JANE: (ducking as Clovis practically flies overhead, kicking off the wall to head back) if he can so can I, he probably just wants to show me this guy isnÕt that good or something.  Was saying something about the Ôtrue essence of kung-fuÕ before thisÉ

DANNY: (Watching as Jane finishes the bottle and takes another) Maybe he likes you?

JANE: I doubt that, his ideal woman is no doubt someone who could kick as much ass as himself, and he isnÕt my type anyway, I prefer someone a little more artistically inclined.

DANNY: And yet you had a thing for my brother for how long?

JANE: that was different, that was for his body, I admit I like a guy with a little muscle.

(Clovis and Evan land in front of them and continue to fight, as Clovis spins to dodge a blow he removes his shirt, opening it in front of Evans face he kicks into it knocking Evan several feet back to the other edge of the club, he stands there bare-chested and begins to flex and stretch)

CLOVIS: Warm ups over, lets move onto business, (grabbing another bottle) but firstÉ(starts to drink this one as well)

DANNY: well he doesnÕt have a LITTLE muscle IÕll say that,

JANE: (starring) Wuh?

DANNY VO: Jane obviously liked what she saw, howeverÉ

(From out of the crowd Evan comes flying out foot first, Clovis puts down the bottle and suddenly kicks Evan almost too quick for the eye to follow, Evan staggers back and looks at himself, he has footprints all over his chest and one on his forehead, after a few seconds he holds his head in pain)

CLOVIS: the No-Shadow Kick,

EVAN: YouÕre finished you rope-haired fag!

CLOVIS: I havenÕt even finished getting started yetÉand you are going to regret calling me that you flowery twaÉ

(he finds himself cut off by Evan smashing two bottles on the bar and trying to stab Clovis with them, he succeeds in tearing into ClovisÕs trousers several times as he dodges before finally getting a few scratches on his chest)

CLOVIS: IÕve had enough of you winding me up nowÉ

(Evan aims the bottle at Clovis again who blocks by kicking it and smashing it out his hands, as an ultra slow-mo rain of glass and liquid falls he spin kicks, the camera showing him hitting each drop and fragment before he connects with Evan who gets knocked flying at Jane)

DANNY: Hit the deck!

(Danny does so as Evan flies at Jane)

DANNY VO: now I donÕt know what happened during that, but I heard a noise or two and when I looked up I sawÉ

(Jane is in ClovisÕs arms and Evan is nowhere to be seen)

JANE: What are you doing?  Let go of me

CLOVIS: I donÕt think I can Janey

JANE: Oh I get it, a few drinks and suddenly IÕm a lot more attractiveÉ

CLOVIS: Believe me thatÕs not the caseÉ

(The two say nothing for a while, then move in as if to kissÉthen Evan appear behind Clovis with a bottle in his hand, Danny looks like he is about shout when a white haired figure knocks into him as he runs past)

DANNY VO: Some white-haired dude ploughed into me stopping me see what happened next, when I finally got my feet all 3 had gone and the dude who started it all was lying on the ground unconscious,

(fade out to DannyÕs room again,)

DANNY: Hope that helps.

WASABI: You could say thatÉand kid lay off the sugar.

(We zoom in on WasabiÕs notepad, next to DannyÕs name is; Clovis & Jane drunk?  Kiss?  White haired guy?  And on this we fade out)

 

(SCENE: DariaÕs room, she walks in and picks up the package, before walking off screen, there is the sound of something being opened, shortly after this her jacket is thrown from off camera onto the floor, this is followed by the rest of her clothes)

DARIA OS: I must be out of my mind.

(after about a minute Daria steps out in front of her mirror, she is wearing a complete Tai Chi uniform in the same colour of her jacket, she looks at herself for a while before speaking)

DARIA: I guess this isnÕt so badÉ

(With this she smiles as we fade out)

End of act 3

ÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ.

Advert break: ÔChows TailorsÕ

If youÕre a hit man in need of a cheap suit or a rebellious resistance member in need of a trench coat then come to us for our no questions asked fitting, we guarantee each outfit to be tailor made to suit your needs.  We also fix things like bullet-holes and claw scratches at no charge.

ÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ.

(ACT 4)

(SCENE: ClovisÕs room, Him and Tom are sat on the floor, Clovis is holding a notepad while Tom has a laptop in front of himself.)

TOM: so youÕve got all the stuff sorted out for the training grounds?

CLOVIS: Yep, figure we can use the ÔDead-EndÕ for the main area and it turns out there was some kiddie thing over summer held nearby IÕve gotten permission from the school to use as wellÉwhat?

TOM: (with an eyebrow raised) Did you get the name of this place?

CLOVIS: Ôfraid not, from what the amazing spineless man of Lawndale said, it had something to do with a bunch of whiny little brats or something, I dunno I wasnÕt paying attention really.

TOM: (closing the laptop) excuse me for a few seconds, I need to make a phone call.

(Clovis watches as Tom leaves and looks puzzled)

CLOVIS: Now what the ruddy hell have I done this time?

(Suddenly the door flies open and Wasabi comes running in at full tilt, he practically skids to a stop in front of Clovis)

WASABI: (out of breath) YouÉJaneÉclubÉfightÉdrunkÉkissÉ.

CLOVIS: (as it sinks in)ÉI KISSED JANEY WHILE DRUNK?!

(The two then look over their shoulders to see Tom stood there, he was a relatively blank and expressionless face)

WASABI: Oh boyÉ

(Tom walks in and picks up the laptop without actually looking at either of the two, he then turns and walks out, as he is at the door he speaks without turning his head)

TOM: (calmlyÉeerily calmly) WeÕll discuss this later

CLOVIS: ÉBugger.

WASABI: wellÉthat went better than I expected.

(Fade out on Clovis glaring at Wasabi)

 

(SCENE: JaneÕs room, she is on the phone looking a little worried.)

JANE: He just walked out?  DidnÕt he say anything? ÉNo youÕre right thatÕs worse, at least if he yelled you would know how he feltÉwell once we get the full story we better explain it to him, speaking of which has Wasabi learned anymore?

(Jane remains silent listening to the phone for a while before getting a surprised look)

JANE: Aw crapÉwell wait till Wasabi finishes his investigation, maybe he can find at least ONE person who was there who can think rationally and was in a clear state of mindÉyeah youÕre right it would be hard enough finding someone like that in the whole townÉanyway donÕt let me stop you making that callÉyeah IÕll speak to you later, bye.

(With that she hangs up and looks at a blank canvas with a puzzled expression, as she picks up a brush and begins to paint we blur out)

 

(SCENE: Jane and Danny stood in the ÔScrap-HeapÕ like DannyÕs flashback)

DANNY: Hit the deck!

(Danny does so as Evan is knocked flying at Jane, she on the other hand barely registers this and grabs his wrist with one arm, and twists it round so he is stood with an arm behind his back and slightly bewildered)

JANE: now calmÉ

(She is cut off by Evan instinctively turning round and landing a glancing blow on her head, as she staggers back he looks shocked, obviously he didnÕt realise it was her.)

EVAN: sorry IÉ

(He is cut off by ClovisÕs fist connecting with his head no doubt giving him his shiner, as Evan stumbles away Clovis grabs Jane as she steps up to him while Danny stands up)

JANE: What are you doing?  Let go of me

CLOVIS: (slightly slurred) I donÕt think I can Janey

JANE: Oh I get it, a few drinks and suddenly IÕm a lot more attractiveÉ

CLOVIS: Believe me thatÕs not the caseÉ

(The two say nothing for a while, Clovis removes his cap and then the two move in as if to kissÉthen Evan appear behind Clovis with a bottle in his hand, Danny looks like he is about shout when a white haired figure knocks into him as he runs past, the figure obscures the camera while we hear the sound of glass smashing, we pan along to show Jane and Clovis in a practical lip lock, Clovis has his eyes closed whereas Jane is slightly surprised until she closes her eyes as well, pan along to show Evan frozen with a broken bottle in his hand, the white haired figure is stood before him and is none other than Stephen Alberts, he has a small cut on his cheek, suddenly a voice calls out)

VOICE OS: Alright everyone break it up, this is the police.

(Pan along to show a man in his mid 40s with scruffy brown hair and scruffy white shirt and brown pants, everything about him is either brown or scruffy or both, in one hand he is holding a police badge and the other is behind his back)

MAN: The name is Inspector Deuce Deckard[4], and someoneÉ(looks around angrily) spilt my drink.

(Fade out on this)

 

(SCENE: Back in JaneÕs room, her canvas now has a basic rendition of the previous scene)

JANE: (eyes widening) Phone.

(She picks it up and dials hurriedly)

JANE: Waz?  Its Jane, I just found you the perfect man for you.

(Fade out)

 

(SCENE: the Sloane household, Tom is sat before a grand piano, he has a very focused but slightly distant look, he is playing something classical yet furious on it, Elsie enters and sees this, she walks over with a slightly concerned look under her usual Ôfaux-jadedÕ expression.)

ELSIE: Something wrong?

TOM: (not really paying attention) No, what makes you say that.

ELSIE: Because you only play that piano when somethingÕs bothering you, I still have BeethovenÕs 5th stuck in my head from last summer.

TOM: (obviously not paying attention to anything but the piano) Whatever,

(Elsie sighs and walks off, we follow her as she walks to the phone and begins to dial)

ELSIE: Daria?

(Fade out)

 

(SCENE: Clovis waiting at a bus stop, he is leaning against the stop and his shades are in his hand, he is looking up at the sky with a thoughtful expression on his face.)

CLOVIS VO: Well Clovis ole boy, lets take into account a few things and how youÕve screwed it all up.

(He sighs as he begins to count on his fingers)

CLOVIS VO: 1; you may have gotten yourself way over your head with all this tournament malarkey, 2; your best and for a while only friend for all you know may not be able to stand the sight of yourself, 3; you may have done something stupid that could jeopardize your friendship with Jane and may have further repercussions, see point 2, 4; you really have no idea how you actually feel about Jane, do you see her as a friend and leave it at that or could it be your curious as to whether it could become something more?  5; Éwhat the bloody hell is taking him and that bus so long?

(As if on cue the bus pulls up and we see Clovis look along to see a figure in a tweed jacket that steps in front of the camera)

VOICE: Ask me how IÕve been and I will tellÉ

CLOVIS: how I walked through heaven and walked through hellÉ

VOICE: things could be better, they could be worseÉ

CLOVIS: this life really is a blessing and a curseÉ

VOICE: you ask where IÕm going and then you stareÉ

CLOVIS: as I simply say from here to there.

VOICE: Oh itÕs good to see you again Clovis.

CLOVIS: the feelings mutual Uncle Kenny.

(The figure steps forward to be shown to be Ken Wan Ng, he holds out his hand and Clovis shakes it before pulling his uncle forward and hugging him, Ken retains his smile but it looks a little strained)

KEN: judging from the number of rips I hear cracking I assume youÕve been keeping up with your training?

CLOVIS: Yep, thatÕs kind of why I called you, remember?

KEN: oh yes, my student has now become the teacher (sniffs and wiping a tear from his eye) they grow up so fast.

(Clovis rolls his eyes as the two walk off as we fade out.)

 

(SCENE: Back at the SloaneÕs, Tom is still playing the piano, judging from his face he seems to have become completely absorbed in the music)

ELSIE OS: (at the sound of a door opening) Thanks for coming up here Daria, I never know how to snap him out of this whenever he gets like this.

DARIA OS: Well I donÕt know much about this but I guess I can try.

ELSIE OS: Well you are his girlfriend, there are options available that I canÕt use.

DARIA OS: Excuse me?

ELSIE OS: Well IÕd get arrested if I tried but you couldÉ

DARIA OS: (cutting her off) I get the picture Elsie,

(Daria walks onscreen, Tom has remained oblivious to all this)

DARIA: Tom?

TOM: Hmm?

DARIA: Is everything ok?

TOM: Fine.

(Daria sighs and stands behind Tom, she suddenly gets the look of someone with a slightly evil idea and rests her head on his shoulder while putting her arms round him)

DARIA: (sweetlyÉor at least trying to sound so) Tom?

TOM: Hmm?

DARIA: I want a babyÉright now.

(Tom freezes while losing the tune completely and hitting several keys at once)

TOM: WHAT?

DARIA: Nothing.  Just trying to get your attention.

TOM: (blinking and looking confused) ohÉso what can I do for you?

DARIA: Well you can tell me what it is thatÕs been bothering you, its kind of bizarre having your boyfriends little sister calling me up asking me to, and I quote, for the love of God stop this freak playing the piano, thatÕs the sort of talk that raises eyebrows.

TOM: I can imagine (turns round on the piano stool and moves up so Daria can sit next to him) my parents made me take lessons for this (nods at piano) when I was young, although as Elsie noticed I only play it when I need to think or clear my head.

DARIA: I suppose that makes sense, so whatÕs on your mind?  You done something I should know about?

TOM: Not me, I canÕt really tell you much now, but once I know I can I will if thatÕs ok?

DARIA: (shrugging) Well I guess its only fair, youÕre usually patient enough with me.

TOM: Thanks; by the way, has Jane been acting any more strangely than usual to you?

(Fade out on Daria looking thoughtful)

 

(SCENE: The Millionaire Express Tea House, Wasabi walks in with Clovis and Jane following nervously)

JANE: Why did we have to come as well?

CLOVIS: yeah I was in the middle of a sparring session with Uncle Kenny when you called me, whatÕs the deal mate?

WASABI: well for one thing IÕm getting a little bored of this investigation business, and I figured that if you two heard a testimony it would trigger the memory.

JANE: you have a date tonight and donÕt want any work in the way donÕt you?

WASABI: Oh yes indeed.

(The trio make it to the bar where Maggie and Stephen are talking.)

WASABI: Stephen may we have a word with you?

STEPHEN: Huh?  What about?

WASABI: Do the words Ôscrap-heapÕ and ÔfightÕ ring any bells?

STEPHEN: Éyou 3 better come with me to the back room.

(Stephen walks off while Wasabi follows, after a few moments Jane and Clovis follow)

JANE: All right but if he starts taking his pants off you two are on your own.

CLOVIS: (rolling his eyes) HeÕd prefer it that way.

(Jane shrugs as we fade out.)

 

(SCENE: a blank screen)

STEPHEN VO: OK IÕll tell you in my own words what happened, now this is how I remember it.

(SCENE: the ÔScrap-HeapÕ back during that night, for the last time, thankfully the picture quality seems normal for a change, we see Stephen stood at the bar with a drink.)

STEPHEN VO: I remember hearing a familiar voiceÉ

CLOVIS OS: (Madly and Audibly) WHO THE HELL IS THE DEAD PRAT WHO JUST SAID THAT?

(Stephen looks up at this and calmly walks over to where Jane and Clovis are, he is stood amongst the crowd where those two would have been unlikely to see him)

JANE: (as the place goes quiet, even the music stops) excellent self control my friend.

STEPHEN VO: obviously the spectacle of watching Clovis beat the crap out of someone was going to be some good entertainment, although I was curious as to how long it would last before the cops got involved.

EVAN OS: I said that!

(Jane and Clovis turns to see a somewhat inebriated Evan, he has a beer in his hand, which he chugs from now and then)

EVAN: (slightly slurred) So IÕm not good enough for you am I?  You think that bitch is better than me huh?  Well come one (goes into his monkey stance) IÕll show you, lets get it onÉ

(ClovisÕs rage is apparent when the soda bottle in his hand smashes in his grip, he shakes off the broken glass that thankfully didnÕt cut him and looks ready to killÉor at least cause severe discomfort)

JANE: Leave him alone Clove, he isnÕt worth it,

CLOVIS: (angrily) The little pile of wank deserves to be taught a lessonÉ

STEPHEN VO: I remember the kid who was hanging out with one of the bands came in and found two of the openers,

DANNY: Hey whatÕs going on?

BASS PLAYER: Some idiots are going to beat each other senseless for some stupid reason or another.

ISA: Parker!  Man lighten up and enjoy the show.

PARKER: Whatever.

(As Danny rolls his eyes and moves closer Stephen follows so is slightly behind Jane and Danny)

JANE: come on, it wouldnÕt be fair fighting him, heÕs drunk, and you always said you preferred a fair fight.

CLOVIS: That I did, (he gets the same unsettling grin he got when he fought Sandi in ÔUnder the Principals OrdersÕ and suddenly grabs 2 bottles from the bar) so lets equal things out a little shall we?

(With that he smashes the tops off the bottles and begins to pour the contents down his throat with gusto while Jane looks on in shock, as he drinks Ôunder the principals ordersÕ begins to play)

DANNY: Dude what is going on?

JANE: I wish I knewÉ

(Clovis has emptied the 2 bottles and throws them back, he exhales before going into a stance, then coughing and staggering into the jukebox behind him, this caused ÔUnder the Generals OrdersÕ to stop and ÔBrass MonkeyÕ by the Beastie Boys to start playing)

STEPHEN VO: You had to admire the irony of the song he accidentally started.

(Clovis begins to stumble around in a set pattern of moves giving the appearance of being drunk, Evan stays in his monkey stance but wobbles slightly, neither of these are as exaggerated as in the last flashbacks)

CLOVIS: (sounding a little slurred although it seems more fake than real) Come on then, let us fightÉ

EVAN: (slurred as well) here I comeÉ

(The two begin to fight; there is no flying or sound effects this time, just Clovis dodging EvanÕs erratic attacks by pretending to stumble around)

JANE: What is that idiot doing this for?

(Jane makes a frustrated ÔughÕ noise as she grabs a bottle off the bar and drinks it)

STEPHEN VO: I donÕt know if you saw that the bottle you grabbed wasnÕt a beer but something a lot stronger or not but you didnÕt seem to care at the time.

DANNY: I was going to ask you the same questionÉsure you can drink that?

JANE: (ducking as Clovis lands on the ground in front oh them, Evan must have gotten a lucky shot in, he flips back to his feet and runs off screen) if he can so can I, he probably just wants to show me this guy isnÕt that good or something.  Was saying something about the Ôtrue essence of kung-fuÕ before thisÉ

(Stephen laughs and shakes his head while listening to this, obviously this is typical Clovis behaviour)

DANNY: (Watching as Jane finishes the bottle and takes another) Maybe he likes you?

JANE: (starting to slur) I doubt that, his ideal woman is no doubt someone who could kick as much ass as himself, and he isnÕt my type anyway, I prefer someone a little more artistically inclined.

DANNY: And yet you had a thing for my brother for how long?

JANE: that was different, that was for his body, I admit I like a guy with a little muscle.

(Clovis and Evan land in front of them and continue to fight, as Clovis spins to dodge a blow he removes his shirt, opening it in front of Evans face he kicks into it knocking Evan backwards into a crowd of people, he stands there bare-chested and begins to flex and stretch)

CLOVIS: Warm ups over, lets move onto business, (grabbing another bottle) but firstÉ(starts to drink this one as well)

DANNY: well he doesnÕt have a LITTLE muscle IÕll say that,

JANE: (starring) Wuh?

STEPHEN VO: I must admit you got good choice in what you look at.

(From out of the crowd Evan jumps out and tries to kick Clovis, Clovis puts down the bottle and suddenly kicks Evan almost too quick for the eye to follow, Evan staggers back and looks at himself, he has a footprints on his chest)

CLOVIS: the No-Shadow KickÉI wish.

EVAN: YouÕre finished you rope-haired fag!

CLOVIS: I havenÕt even finished getting started yetÉand you are going to regret calling me that you flowery twaÉ

(He finds himself cut off by Evan smashing two bottles on the bar and trying to stab Clovis with them, he succeeds in tearing into ClovisÕs trousers several times as he dodges before finally getting a few scratches on his chest)

CLOVIS: IÕve had enough of you winding me up nowÉ

(Evan aims the bottle at Clovis again who blocks by kicking it and smashing it out his hands, he then spin kicks and connects with Evan who gets knocked flying at Jane)

DANNY: Hit the deck!

(Danny does so as Evan is knocked flying at Jane, she on the other hand barely registers this and grabs his wrist with one arm, and twists it round so he is stood with an arm behind his back and slightly bewildered)

JANE: now calmÉ

(She is cut off by Evan instinctively turning round and landing a glancing blow on her head, as she staggers back he looks shocked, obviously he didnÕt realise it was her.)

EVAN: sorry IÉ

(He is cut off by ClovisÕs fist connecting with his head no doubt giving him his shiner, as Evan stumbles away, we see Evan land on a table and grab a bottle belonging to a brown-haired man with scruffy clothes, Clovis grabs Jane as she steps up to him and then staggers forward,)

JANE: (Slurred) What are you doing?  Let go of me

CLOVIS: (completely sober) I donÕt think I can Janey

(This is true, from the looks of things she is slightly more inebriated than she thought and could keel over any minute it seems.)

JANE: Oh I get it, a few drinks and suddenly IÕm a lot more attractiveÉ

CLOVIS: Believe me thatÕs not the caseÉ

STEPHEN VO: round then Clovis must have been concerned about the blow to head you suffered.

(The two say nothing for a while, Clovis removes his cap and leans forwards to check for any bruising, Jane sees this and moves in as if to kissÉthen Evan appear behind Clovis with a bottle in his hand, Danny looks like he is about shout when a white haired figure knocks into him as he runs past)

STEPHEN VO: This was when I stepped in.

(Stephen is too late to stop the bottle from hitting Clovis on the head who gets knocked forwards onto Jane into a practical lip lock, Stephen advances on Evan)

STEPHEN: This ends now.

(Evan nervously swings the broken bottle in his hand that Stephen sidesteps and simply taps Evan on the chest with his fingertips, Evan becomes frozen to the spot while a small cut opens on StephensÕs cheek)

STEPHEN VO: I may not know much in the way of Kung-Fu but my Dim-Mak skill is useful enough, I hit the guy in a pressure point that left him out of the way for a while.

(Clovis has his eyes closed, obviously dazed whereas Jane is slightly surprised until she closes her eyes as well, Stephen turns to see this and his eyes widen.)

DEUCE OS: Alright everyone break it up, this is the police.

(Inspector Deuce is stood with his badge in one hand and the other behind his back)

DEUCE: The name is Inspector Deuce Deckard, and someoneÉ(looks around angrily) spilt my drink.

(Despite being paralysed EvanÕs eyes widen and look at the smashed bottle in his hand, Stephen taps Clovis on the shoulder)

STEPHEN: I think we should leaveÉ

(Clovis finally gets released from JaneÕs lip lock and staggers over to Deuce,

CLOVIS: (still very dazed) I loved you in Blade RunnerÉ(then pukes on the cops shoes)

(Deuce just looks at this for a few seconds, then he takes his other arm from behind his back and smacks Clovis with a nightstick, Clovis keels over backwards and lands on the floor in front of Stephen, Jane is about to go over and attack the cop before Stephen knocks her out with a tap to the neck, he catches her on his shoulder and thinks.)

STEPHEN VO: It was then I decided desperate times called for desperate measures.

(Stephen looks around and seeing Parker and Isa watching nearby he sidles over to them, he prods Parker in the back causing his hand to swing out and smack the person next to him, as the expected riot begins Stephen quickly runs back to where Clovis is and grabs his braid, dragging him to the exit as we fade out.)

 

(SCENE: the back room of the restaurant, Wasabi is checking his notepad while Jane and Clovis both have their jaws hanging open.)

STEPHEN: And thatÕs the way it happened.

WASABI: (closing the notepad) Well it checks out with the othersÉ

JANE: But that still doesnÕt explain how I wound upÉlike I didÉ

STEPHEN: If you mean half dressed in ClovisÕs bed then ask Maggie, sheÕs the one who agreed to take the two of you homeÉI keep forgetting how malevolent her sense of humour is at times.

(Clovis gets up without a word and heads out, as he leaves we hear)

CLOVIS OS: MAGGIE!  We need to chat.

(Fade out)

 

(SCENE: outside the restaurant, Clovis is stood at the sidewalk, Jane and Wasabi walk out and stand on either side of him)

WASABI: I hope I was able to help out you two.

CLOVIS: Cheers mate, I owe you one.

JANE: I appreciate it Waz, enjoy your date.

(Wasabi nods and walks off)

JANE: SooooÉturns out that something really was nothing.

CLOVIS: Yep, bit of a let down in one way but at the same time itÕs a relief I didnÕt do anything stupid, I suppose I should tell Tom about this.

JANE: Yeah, heÕs probably afraid that after what happened between him and me and now this itÕll be bad for me or something.

CLOVIS: he can be an idiot at timesÉ but a considerate idiot.

JANE: Well at least we donÕt have to worry about getting stuck in a Ôrelation-date-shipÕ as Daria calls it now.

CLOVIS: yeahÉ(hesitates for a few seconds before taking a breath)  Actually Janey, I was wondering if you would like to go out with me sometime?

JANE: What?  Like a date?

CLOVIS: WellÉyes.

JANE: ÉIÕll think about it.

(Jane walks off leaving Clovis stood there.)

CLOVIS: Now is that better than Ôlets just be friendsÕ or worse?

(with that we fade out)

 

(SCENE: Outside the Lee-Daniels house, more specifically, ClovisÕsÕ window, it seems o be early in the morning, around time for the sun to come up soon, there is the faint sound of a phone ringing, shortly afterwardsÉ)

CLOVIS OS: YES!

(Suddenly his window bursts open and he somersaults out, landing and rolling on the ground from the drop as if it was nothing, ÔFlying High AgainÕ by OZZY Osbourne is playing while he proceeds to head bang and somersault around the garden, obviously in a good mood.)

End of act 4

ÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ.

Advert break: Rent a Sidekick

Are you a Hong Kong action star hoping to make it big in the states?  Are the directors always telling you that you donÕt have the Ôright imageÕ?  Here at Rent A Sidekick we can provide you with the sort of ÔimageÕ they will view as a safe bet.

Whether you need a fast talking black guy or a laid back surfer-dude, a sexy sassy gal or a rapper turned wannabe actor we have them all.  We can guarantee that they will be able to handle all the ÔactingÕ business leaving you to deal with all the action.

 

Warning we are not responsible for any dignity lost via the use of our products.

ÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ.

(ACT 5)

(SCENE: Lawndale High, Daria and Jane are walking alongside each other as per usual, Jane is smirking and humming to herself, Daria has an eyebrow raised at this and is giving her a sidelong glance)

DARIA VO: I know Tom wondered if she had been acting strangeÉI wonder if this counts or if this has gone beyond the borders of strange and is now in the territory of the downright bizarre?

DARIA: Well someone is in a good mood today, what happened?  Morris finally step on that landmine on the track?

JANE: No Wasabi wouldnÕt agree to sell me it, something about local explosive laws or some junk, IÕm just happy because I have my first date sinceÉ(hesitates) in a while.

DARIA: Uh-HuhÉ(evil grin) male or female?

JANE: (giving Daria a dirty look) Most definitely male, no matter how much it would disappoint most of the worlds male population I am definitely hetero.

DARIA: Damn, and they thought they had escaped the suffering of dating you.  So tell me who is the poor bastard?  Anyone I know?

JANE: And spoil the surprise?

DARIA: That answers that question.  (Thinks) Well I doubt youÕll be seeing that Evan jerk again, and I know it wont be Tom because neither of you are suicidalÉsame goes for Mack, I think its safe to rule out Kevin for obvious reasons, and as much as you like your beefcake I donÕt think its Jesse MorenoÉ

JANE: IÕll give you a clue, its someone who was involved in the last Spyral gig.

DARIA: Then that just leavesÉ(Daria puts 2 + 2 togetherÉ) but JaneÉisnÕt Danny Moreno a little young for you?  (And gets 5)

(Jane just stares at Daria as her jaw drops)

DARIA: (now looking nervous) Its not Danny?  (Jane shakes her head while glaring)  But that meansÉ(Her eyes widen as she figures it out) CÉ Clovis?

JANE: Is it that surprising?

DARIA: That all of a sudden you happen to be dating the guy who you so vehemently denied to be your boyfriend?

JANE: weÕre not dating; itÕs just a dateÉat the moment, weÕre just going to get a bite and see a movie, as well as wander some storesÉspecially the pet store, I want him to help me choose a hamster.

DARIA: I thought Tom said he was terrified of hamsters almost as much as guns?

JANE: (grinning evilly) He is.

(Daria and Jane come up to a doorway with the words ÔTraining ground sign-upsÕ as they enter Mack and Jodie walk out and we follow them back along the corridor)

MACK: So how did the slave drivers take to learning that little Jodie Doll is part of a martial arts tournament?

JODIE: well it took a bit of wrangling but I convinced them that even a participation in such a prestigious event would look better on a college application form than all my other E.C.AÕs combined, so what with it being involuntary I managed to get them to let me skip out on all my other stuff for the rigorous night and day training I need to do.

MACK: But I thought your training was only scheduled to be during the day?

JODIE: (smirking) it is.

(As they walk out of shot they are passed by The Fashion Club, Quinn and Sandi are at the front, whereas Stacy is bringing up the rear, an open newspaper in her hands)

QUINN: (irritated) God I canÕt believe we have to sign up for this thing, I mean give me one good reason for us to be doing all this martial arts stuff.

STACY: (not looking up from the paper) WasnÕt Bruce LeeÕs body supposedly have less than1% of it be body fat?

QUINN: (changing tune) thatÕll do me.

SANDI: Ditto, besides the doctor said Tiffany needs the exercise.

TIFFANY: But IÕm not posseeeeesssedÉ

SANDI: Exercise not exorcise Tiffany dear.

TIFFANY: Whaaaaaat?

QUINN: (rolling her eyes) forget it Tiff, by the way Sandi, why did you come here?  I mean its not like you're being forced into this.  Not that thereÕs anything wrong with you being here of course.

SANDI: (haughtily) Despite your psycho geek teacher ruining my chance of being a shoe in I have decided to apply myself, and therefore am asking to see if I may use this quote unquote training ground as well.

STACY VO: wow, that dictionary and thesaurus I got her for her birthday really paid off.

QUINN: (overflowing with mock sincerity) Sandi thatÕs great.

SANDI VO: Not to mention a chance to get even with that geek.

(The foursome reach the door, Ted walks out just as they enter, although Stacy hangs back to talk to him, folding the newspaper and putting it under her arm)

STACY: Hey Ted, how did it go?

TED: Great, they said seeing as I already knew a lot I may be able to help instruct one of the people, I asked if he could make sure it was you and he said he would think about it.

STACY: Thanks; it must be great being friends with the instructor.

TED: Oh weÕre not really friends, we just spoke back in Japan, being the only 2 westerners in the class made it easierÉspecially as he was the only one who spoke English as a first language.

STACY: IÕve been meaning to ask Ted, isnÕt Tae Kwon Do a Korean style?  Why did you go to Japan to learn it?

TED: I think my parents didnÕt want me to go somewhere as politically unstable as KoreaÉthat or they chose the first school they could find.  (Notices the paper) hey mind if I check the headlines?  My parents wont accept them until they find an entirely unbiased opinionÉthere going to be in for a long wait.

STACY: Oh sure, (hands him the paper) IÕve just been checking for news on that stalker.  Anyway I better get in there before those 2 kill each other, bye Ted

(She gives him a peck on the cheek and enters while Ted walks down reading the paper,)

TED: Huh, thereÕs a sale at Pennies!

(Ted passes Evan and Robert on the way down)

TED: (without looking up) Hey Robert, free for fencing lessons this weekend?

ROBERT: yes sir.

EVAN: (looking confused as the two proceed to head up the corridor) W T F?

ROBERT: Long story, why am I here again?

EVAN: Moral support, and if that psycho instructor is about I need someone big to hide behind and you fit that bill.

ROBERT: The depth of our friendship touches my heart sir.

EVAN: Dude IÕm telling you that guy would kill me soon as look at meÉ

(Evan reaches the door just as Clovis steps out along with Tom)

CLOVIS: (taking a deep breath) I love the smell ofÉ

TOM: Shut up Clovis.

CLOVIS: Well your talking to me so I canÕt complainÉ(Notices Evan stood stock still and looking terrified in front of him.)  Oh itÕs you.

EVAN: (*insert random terrified gibbering here*)

CLOVIS: relax; we where both shooting our mouths off and over-reacted, no hard feelings eh mate?

EVAN: (nodding nervously) Uh-huhÉ(As Tom and Clovis walk down the corridor) Why do I get the feeling I just escaped with my life?

ROBERT: At least you kept your bladder control as well.

(Now we quickly pan down to catch back up with the other two)

TOM: What was all that about?

CLOVIS: Long story, letÕs just say itÕs related to that bit of business you overheardÉ

TOM: Ah yes, sorry about walking out like that, didnÕt quite know what to make of it all.

CLOVIS: DonÕt worry, me and Jane sorted it all out, was just a misunderstanding involvingÉ

TOM: Clovis its probably best if you donÕt explain further, I donÕt think my fragile psyche could take it, (starts to chuckle) You know its funny, after what I first heard I assumed the two of you where going to start dating.

CLOVIS: We are.

TOM: (Stopping dead in his tracks) What?  You start dating after one drunken kissÉ

CLOVIS: Far be it from me to criticise but are you really the best person to be talking about this sort of thing?

TOM: OK I admit I am probably the last person to advise against acting on one kiss alone, but still I donÕt want Jane to get hurt, no offence meant, but after the way I screwed her up I donÕt want her next relationship to be started fromÉ

CLOVIS: (continuing) some sozzled snog?

TOM: É(takes a small book out his pocket and looks 2 words up)Éyeah pretty much.

CLOVIS: IÕm touched by your consideration but donÕt worry, IÕm letting her be in control, I mean I have no idea how this dating thing worksÉbut then lack of knowledge has never stopped me before.  When did you become so sensitive to others feelings anyways?  (Tom just rubs his left shoulder) oh right thatÉ

(Fade out on the two continuing to walk off)

 

(SCENE: Daria and Jane sat in the usual booth of the pizza place, Jane looks to be preparing for her usual hobby of Ôhow much can we annoy DariaÔ)

JANE: (opening shot) So no Thomas today?

DARIA: (counter) no ÔCloveÕ today?

JANE: (beaten before it even began) you win this round Morgendorrfer.

DARIA: (enjoying the turned tables) Anyway Tom has to speak to a guy from Fielding about somethingÉnot sure what but your boyfriend may have been involved so I probably donÕt want to know.

JANE: He is not my boyfriendÉyet.  After tonight who knows?

DARIA: anyway I explained my S.OÕs absence, whatÕs yours excuse?

JANE: His uncles is over for a visit and the two are spending some quality time together, knowing him that means theyÕve gone to the nearest gang hangout to see who can get the most KOÕs in the least amount of timeÉthat or they went to see a movie I dunno.  (Pauses for a few seconds) Why the sudden interest in him anyways?

DARIA: well I do need to borrow him sometime soon, Mom is a little unsure about this whole thing and I need Clovis to convince her.

JANE: (worried and curious) you mean (punches hand into another) ÔconvinceÕ her?

DARIA: (rolling her eyes) NOÉI mean convince her that this is a good idea, you really think I would get someone to beat my mother to a pulp over something like this?

JANE: Absolutely.

DARIA: Well your right but that damned BritÕs prices are too high.

JANE: Éyou are joking right?

DARIA: of course I amÉClovis offered to do it for free.

JANE: ÉI hate to infringe but Excuse me?

DARIA: YouÕre not the only one who got confusedÉsometimes that guy worries me.

JANE: Only sometimes?

DARIA: this coming from the girl who agreed to date him?

JANE: Well it seemed like a good idea at the timeÉ

DARIA: you said the same thing that time you decided to dye Trent neon pink.

(Fade out on the two continuing to talk.)

 

(SCENE: a baseball field outside of Fielding, we follow Tom walking up to the pitchers mound, stood there is a Puerto Rican looking man in a Fielding varsity jacket in the school colours of black and white, he has a baseball bat in one hand and is swinging it around)

TOM: Hey Carlos, can I have a word or two?

(The guy stops swinging and turns round)

CARLOS: huh?  Oh its you Sloane sure I guess and please, call me ÔChunkÕ

TOM: You still have that nickname?  Well ok, Clovis just wanted me to askÉ

CHUNK: (nervously) He doesnÕt want to try out for the baseball team does he?

TOM: Nothing that bad ÔChunkÕ he just wants to know if youÕre free to earn some money over the next coming monthsÉ

(Fade out on ÔChunkÕ looking interested)

 

(SCENE: a random building, possibly an abandoned warehouse, we do not have enough time to ponder as a random youth thug-type is sent careering across the screen by an off-screen blow, another soon follows but this time it is from a kick from Clovis who lands on the ground with a mad grin on his face)

CLOVIS: Oh come on you big babyÉits just flesh wound.

KEN: (knocking one who is trying to sneak up on Clovis) Settle down Clovis, we have been pummelling them for some time.

CLOVIS: (dodging several blows from a thug) Well there was nothing good on at the cinemasÉ(punches the thug out cold) Oh give it a rest already.

KEN: (Walking backwards off-screen as he blocks several attackers) I suppose youÕre rightÉ(trails off)

CLOVIS: I guess we have been spending quite a bit of time here, may as well call it a dayÉ

(He stops as he hears a yell/exhalation of breath from his Uncles direction and one of the thugs goes flying across with some force, he turns to see Ken surrounded by unconscious thugs and holing out his palm out with only the middle finger down)

CLOVIS: Bloody hellÉdid you just do the Hong Kong Palm?

KEN: (nodding) Indeed, they where beginning to irritate me.

CLOVIS: You did that technique without showing me again?

KEN: Clovis my boy, this technique is something you donÕt need, IÕve told you before.

CLOVIS: (let down a little) I guess, but still itÕs something I would like to know (shrugging after few seconds) fancy a bite for lunch?

KEN: well I guess it wouldnÕt hurt, its like I told Bruce, eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we dieÉall things considered probably not the best choice of words.

(The two walk out, a few seconds after they are gone a thug falls from the ceiling and hits the floor as we fade out)

 

(SCENE: later that evening at the Morgendorffer house, a knock is heard at the door)

HELEN OS: IÕll get it.

(She walks on screen and opens the door to find Tom, Clovis and Wasabi stood there)

HELEN: (A little taken aback) Oh TomÉIÕm sorry Daria isnÕt free to come out tonight, weÕre expecting someone about some school eventÉ

CLOVIS: That would be me maÕam (standing proudly) I am the current instructor of the school self defence class and the one in charge of preparing the group for the NYSDAT tournament, Tom here is acting as my assistant on this bit of business.

HELEN: (even more taken aback) ohÉ(Looks at Wasabi) and you are?

WASABI: Yes I am.  (After Helen looks at him funny for a while) Actually IÕm just here to see how Quinn is doing on her math, IÕm only connected with these two lunatics by bonds of friendshipÉand Clovis owes me money.

(Clovis and Wasabi walk in continuing to bicker with each other leaving Helen looking on confused while Tom remains in the doorway)

TOM: (sympathetically) if itÕs any help, they confuse and worry me a lot as well.

(Fade to later, the screen is split into 3 sections, one in the kitchen with Helen and Clovis sat at the table, one in the living room with Daria and Tom on the couch watching TV, and lastly QuinnÕs room with her and Wasabi sat on the floor with a few textbooks strewn around, whenever the characters in a screen are talking the sound in the others drops)

HELEN: So Mr DanielsÉ

CLOVIS: (interrupting sharply) Lee-Daniels!

HELEN: ohÉ

CLOVIS: (trying to be polite) DonÕt worry, everyone makes the same mistake, carry on.

HELEN: Very well, I must say IÕm a little concerned that the schoolÕs decision to enter a tournament so rashly and with donÕt take this the wrong way but I worry about the logic of choosing someone your age to be in charge, are you sure your qualified?

CLOVIS: (chuckling under his breath) With all due respect maÕam, you would be hard pressed to find someone more qualified to educate people into the delicate arts martial, I happen to have extreme proficiency inÉ

TV VOICE: Éthe deadly art of furniture arranging ÒFeng Shui FightersÓ next on Sick Sad World.

DARIA: (changing channels) should we be worrying about those two in there?

TOM: which, Clovis and your Mom or Wasabi and your sister?

DARIA: The former at the moment, although IÕm blaming you for the latter.

TOM: hey I had nothing to do with those twoÉthat green haired idiot brought it upon himself, although your father may still think heÕs my chauffeur

DARIA: Your serious?

TOM: (nodding) the grey clothing must have gotten mistaken for a uniform, still at least his never has to sit through the ordeal of your father reading his journal (shudders)

DARIA: DonÕt worry, last we saw he threw it out the window in a martini induced furyÉat least thatÕs what we told him, actually I buried it in the yard, although heÕll probably find some other way to torture you.

(The two laugh lightly for a second before Tom stops)

TOM: (Seriously) if he gets out a slide projector then I will NOT be held accountable for my actions.

(Daria is about to respond when the door is heard opening and Jake walks in)

JAKE: (muttering) lousy stinking Cruiser, this is a private drivewayÉoh hey Kiddo

(Daria and Tom appear to be trying not to laugh)

TOM: Hi Mr MorgendorfferÉCar trouble?

JAKE: you could say that, some jerk parked in my space, looks a lot like the car your chauffer drives.

TOM: ermÉhe isnÕt my chauffer heÕs myÉ

QUINN: Éprivate sex monkey!

WASABI: someone actually asked you be that?

QUINN: (shrugging) I guess it was too early for Upchuck to think of some witty come on

WASABI: weird, anyway lets press on, you seem to be handling this fine so it shouldnÕt be longÉ

(QuinnÕs cell-phone rings and she answers it instinctively, becoming oblivious to the world around her)

QUINN; Hello?  Of course IÕm not doing anything SandiÉsorry I canÕt come out, thereÕs someone here to see my Mom, I think its to do with my cousinÉGod why should I care about a weird brain like her?

(As she continues Wasabi looks on disapprovingly, especially at the mention of cousin, after a while he obviously looks bored and takes some sort of handgun from out of his shirt, he begins to take careful aim at one QuinnÕs stuffed animals andÉ)

QUINN: (quickly) Sandi IÕm going to have to call you back.  (Hanging up and glaring at Wasabi) God what is your problem?

WASABI: I was going to ask you the same thing.

QUINN: Huh?

WASABI: you refer to Daria as your Cousin?

QUINN: So?

WASABI: (holding his forehead in frustration) I canÕt believe IÕm hearing this, your denying you share parents with your own sister, your own flesh and blood, think about how she must feel about it, donÕt you feel even a little bad about it?

QUINN: NoÉ(stopping and thinking) Ok a bit, but what would having everyone know about me having a geek for a sister do to my popularity?

WASABI: All IÕm going to say is that one-day you may have to make a choice between your sister and your popularityÉI really hope you make the right one.  Anyhow lets press on and get this finished and see about getting something to eat, anywhere you prefer?

QUINN: Well IÕm still not allowed in Chez Pierre after you threatened the waiter withÉ

CLOVIS: ÉBarehanded castration.

HELEN: (staring) you know ALL those techniques?

CLOVIS: (shrugging) and a little more.  Now IÕm sure you will now agree I think I know what IÕm doing.

HELEN: I suppose, of course you know violence never solves anythingÉ

(She is cut off by Clovis snorting with repressed laughter)

CLOVIS: IÕm sorryÉyou actually BELIEVE that?

HELEN: (indignantly) What do you mean?

CLOVIS: no offence but in my experience violence usually solves lots of things.

HELEN: But you know violence only leads to more violence.

CLOVIS: only if you donÕt hit them hard enough.  (After watching Helen glare at him for a while) I will admit that it can at times lead to more trouble than its worth which is why my students are all learning proper self control.

HELEN: (not entirely convinced) really?

CLOVIS: have you heard anything on either of your daughters getting into a fight?

HELEN: NoÉ

CLOVIS: There you go then, in all honesty Daria is one of the best students IÕve ever taught, physically she may not be as strong as others but she has a lot of determination and although I doubt you believe in it, in my opinion a very strong ÔchiÕ or spirit.  She genuinely seems to enjoy these lessons no matter how much she hides it and I think she could go far in this tournament if given the proper training.

HELEN: (more interested but still apprehensive) IÕm still not sureÉ

CLOVIS (grinning and breaking out the big gun) ItÕll be something to brag about to your sisters (VO) Ok Daria, lets see how well you know your mother (END VO)

HELEN: (instantly) Where do I sign?

(The section of the screen fades out, followed by the other 2 after a few moments)

 

(SCENE: outside Lawndale High sometime early-ish in the morning, all of ClovisÕs special class plus Sandi, Upchuck, Kevin, Brittney, Robert and Andrea are stood in a small group in front of the steps, most bearing backpacks, at the top of the steps are Clovis and Tom, Tom has a large backpack whereas Clovis has nothing)

CLOVIS: Ok ladies and gentlemenÉand I use both terms loosely, I know you where told there was going to be a bus to take us the training ground BUT I figuredÉsod it you all the need the exercise so lets get walking people.

(As the majority of the crowd groans as Clovis walks down and begins to head off Tom jogs to catch up with him under the weight of the pack)

TOM: There wasnÕt enough in the budget for the bus was there?

CLOVIS: Abso-bloody-lutely.

(Fade to a clearing in a forest area, the same group are stood here all looking a bit haggard and with leaves and twigs in their hair)

CLOVIS: OK despite maybe one or two setbacks weÕre hereÉand we all agree to never speak of what happened during the short-cut correct?

(There is a general murmur of agreement; especially from Upchuck who is looking a little traumatised)

CLOVIS: Anyhow we got here in one piece and thatÕs what counts, now IÕll just lay down a few ground rules you all need to know while I wait for some people who will be helping out, Thomas if you would.

(Tom removes a list from the backpack and hands it to Clovis along with a nail)

CLOVIS: (taking both) first of all no fighting amongst each other except for proper sparring sessions that I or another person who is qualified has allowed, any acts of unsanctioned aggression may be met with a sharp blow to the headÉI should know it will probably be me delivering it.  Secondly there will be no alcohol, tobacco, or any other drugs here with the exception of caffeine (grins as Jane gives an audible sigh of relief) lastly, if I learn that your schoolwork is slipping from either of the school representatives then you can forget about continuing with your training until I hear otherwise.  Other than that I think we should get along just swimmingly.

(With that he throws the list into the air, then flicks the nail over his shoulder, spin kicking it so it hits the list as it falls and pins it to a tree behind him)

CLOVIS: Any questions?  (As most of the group just stare slack-jawed) I didnÕt think so.

(Wasabi, ÔChunkÕ, DeMartino, and Defoe enter the clearing)

CLOVIS: Ah splendid, this merry quartet shall be assisting in this little disaster, Mr DeMartino and Ms Defoe IÕm sure you know, if not then allow me to remind you, they are teachers at your schoolÉyou know, the big place most of you go to sleep and fail to do anything useful whatsoever, they shall be acting as school representatives who shall be making sure that despite being out in the woods you will still be getting an education (under his breath) poor bastards (back out loud) my green haired friend Wasabi shall be acting as a clerical aid, he shall be doing the number crunching and scheduling as well as being the person to go to if you need to talk about something, lastly is ÔCarlos although he prefers to be called ÔChunkÕ for reasons I have yet to figure out, he shall be acting as training assistant and fitness evaluator, anyone who brought their own training clothes should follow him to find the changing rooms, also if anyone tries to peek into a changing room that ainÕt theirs then that baseball bat of his is more than just for show.  That about covers it so if you excuse me while I actually breath we shall take a break and then let the fun begin.

DARIA: I donÕt know whatÕs more impressive, the fact he actually got this all set up or the fact he said all that without breathing in once.

JANE: (still staring at the nailed list transfixed) Huh?

DARIA: Never-mind, anyways IÕm going to get changed, I trust I can leave you unsupervised for more than a few minutes without you getting into trouble?

JANE: (as Daria heads off with the others who are getting changed) Very funny Morgendorffer,

CLOVIS: (Walking up behind Jane completely unnoticed) Hey Janey

JANE: ARGHÉ(Looking round) Clove DO NOT do that, what are you a ninja?

CLOVIS: (grinning) Maybe, (talking without his usual confidence) anyway I figured you wouldnÕt want to damage your clothes during the training and wellÉoh IÕm no good at this stuff, here (takes something out from behind his bag and tosses it to Jane) call it a gift, to make up for the whole accidentally pushing you out a window business.

JANE: (taking the bag) You have no idea how to act in these situations do you?

CLOVIS: None whatsoever, IÕm making it up as I go along, anyways you may want to catch up with the others, I need to get the practice dummies set up.

(As Clovis walks off we hear)

CLOVIS OS: Kevin, Charles, can I have I moment?

(Then we fade out on Jane looking into the bag and smirking a little)

 

(SCENE: a montage of the various characters learning various techniques and exercise, most of them are wearing typical gym clothes or other such clothing however Daria is wearing her Tai Chi suit, Sandi has a Karate Gi, Ted a Tae Kwon Do Bok, Tom his white headband, Evan his running gear but with his forearms and shins taped up, and Jane in what appears to be a loose fitting 2 piece red bodysuit with Black stripes running down the arms and legs[5], Clovis and Tom are acting as instructors while Ted is occasionally shown to be acting as an assistant, also shown in the montage is ÔChunkÕ throwing baseballs at people standing opposite him at a distance, some manage to dodge, others catch, some just get dinged on the head, especially Evan who seems to be put through more punishing training than the others from time to time, eventually Clovis speaks)

CLOVIS: Ok everyone thatÕs enough for now, we break for an hour or two before resuming, if you brought food now is the time to eat it, if not we have enough noodles to go around (VO) kindly donated by Stephen, wonder what the catch is?

(Fade out as people mill around and go their own way)

 

(SCENE: another part of the forest, Daria is sat at the base of a tree reading a book with a bowl of noodles at her side, she is obviously enjoying some peace and quiet while she can, as she puts a chopstick full of noodles into her mouth a shadow falls over her, she glances upwards with the noodles still dangling from her mouth)

VOICE OS: You.  Get up.

(Daria doesnÕt look impressed; she slurps the noodles up and flicks the chopsticks out of her hands, which land in the bowl)

DARIA: (not getting up) Can I help you?

(Pan along to show the shadow is being cast by Sandi)

SANDI: Like I asked you to get up already, I am issuing a formal challengeÉ

DARIA: (While reading the book still) first of all you didnÕt ask you demanded and I donÕt know if youÕve noticed but IÕm not exactly known for my co-operative nature, and secondly I donÕt see why I should get up from my book simply because you Ôasked meÕ

SANDI: (Getting peeved) All right IÕm not asking IÕm telling you to get up.  I am issuing you a formal challenge or whatever.

DARIA: Excuse me?  (VO) Strange, usually these fashion fascists are more afraid of me than I am of themÉnot that thatÕs difficult.

SANDI: since you are like the best student of that geeky loser instructor then if I can defeat you it will prove that he is not the best there is.

DARIA: (Still not getting up, but lowering the book) OKÉI got the words to that and the basic order of the sentenceÉand yet I could not understand what the hell you where talking about.

SANDI: you know for a brain you are sure are pretty slow on the upkeep, now like shut up and fight me.

DARIA: now look Griffin IÕm sure weÕre both reasonable people and can discuss this peacefullyÉ

(Fade to a few seconds later; Daria is busy dodging and deflecting a flurry of punches)

DARIA VO: Hey I can be wrong sometimesÉ

(Fade out)

 

(SCENE: another part of the forest, ÔChunkÕ is taking practice swings with his bat while Quinn is babbling on about whatever fashion garbage has caught her interest to divulge to the nearest poor sap at this time)

QUINN: (insert gibberish here)

ÔCHUNKÕ VO: Oy Vey Gervalt, how can she talk about such drivel?  But then  "There was never yet philosopher that could endure the toothache patiently" so no matter how much you desire to end her speech Carlos Rosenstein you cannot use the bat, even if it is only because sheÕs Òstealth-datingÓ Wasabi.

(His inner monologue is cut short by Daria and Sandi emerging, still locked in combat, or Sandi is anyways, Daria seems content to just dodge the blows while still reading her book, Quinn stops her babbling and looks on in shock)

QUINN: Sandi!  Daria!

ÔCHUNKÕ VO: I suppose I should step in, however they have shut up Ôpretty in pinkÕ here, "Heaven hath a hand in these events" I suppose.

(Quinn watches nervously, unsure who to help, ÔChunkÕ calmly slings his bat over his shoulder and watches with a calm curiosity while Daria seems to have tired of dodging Sandi and seems to be trying to end this quickly)

QUINN VO: What do I do?  Who do I help?

(She suddenly has a flashback to what Wasabi said earlier)

WASABI VO: one-day you may have to make a choice between your sister and your popularityÉI really hope you make the right one

(The VO echoes in her head with more and more vanishing with each repeat)

ECHO VO: one-day you may have to make a choice between your sister and your popularity

ECHO VO: have to make a choice between your sister and your popularity

ECHO VO: between your sister and your popularity

(Quinn remains still obviously thinking, eventually she grabs the baseball bat from ÔChunkÕ and runs forwards before he can stop her with a slightly glazed look in her eyes, Daria and Sandi both turn to look at her as she raises the bat, we see a silhouette of one of the two figures being struck but we cannot tell which one, as the shadow falls it gradually clears back to normal picture, finishing just as an unconscious Daria hits the ground.)

End of act 5.

ÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ.

Advert break: Once Upon A Time In Lawndale Volume 2

(SCENE: outside of ClovisÕs house, he steps out the door followed by Jane)

CLOVIS: I think its fair to warn you Janey, I am bloody nervous about this.

JANE: (smirking as she puts her arm around ClovisÕs and drags him away) Oh come on Clove, whatÕs the worse that could happen?

 

(SCENE: a street, suddenly Jane and Clovis tear past being pursued by a gang of thugs, as they pass we hear ClovisÕs voice trail off)

CLOVIS OS: BOLLOCKS, BOLLOCKS, BOLLOCKS, BOLLOCKS, BOLLOCKS, BOLLOCKS, BOLLOCKS, BOLLOCKS, BOLLOCKS, BOLLOCKS, BOLLOCKSÉ

 

(SCENE: the city limits next to the Ôwelcome to LawndaleÕ sign, a car pulls up and several silhouetted figures climb out and stand overlooking the city)

 

(SCENE: part of the forest, Ted is using a quarterstaff to fend off blows from someone in shades with what looks like a toy double-edged lightsaber, as the toy is swung down at Ted another staff blocks it)

TOM: am I interrupting?

 

(SCENE: the fashion club minus Stacy in a hospital waiting room, a doctor walks out)

DOCTOR: Girls I have good news and bad news, the good is she can leave, the badÉ

(We see from behind her as Stacy walks out, the other three gasp in shock)

 

(SCENE: Daria in a darkened and crowded room playing chess against someone while a knife is held at her throat, she is looking remarkable calm)

VOICE: I donÕt see how you can be so calm while staring defeat I the face.

DARIA: you know one thing people tend to overlook in chess is (smirking as a flash of white hair rushes past the camera) is that the queen really can go anywhere

 

Once Upon a Time in Lawndale Volume 2

 

Coming Soonish (hopefully)

ÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ.

(ACT 6)

(SCENE: POV of an eye opening to very blurred surroundings, eventually the vision clears up partially leaving a blurred room, we hear a voice that sounds like DariaÉfor the obvious reason being that it is DariaÕs voice.)

DARIA OS: ughÉwhere am I and why does my head feel like it had the complete works of Tolstoy dropped on it?

JANE OS: Daria your awake!

(We see the blurred figure of Jane coming into view; she appears to be holding out something to Daria)

JANE: Here, you may want these.

(We leave the POV as we see Daria taking her glasses from Jane and putting them on, she looks around the place and sees she is in a bedroom lying on the bed with her head bandaged)

DARIA: Jane, where the hell am I?  I remember that friend of QuinnÕs starting some trouble, and then I remember seeing Quinn and sheÉ(we quick cut back to Daria hitting the ground and snap back to her now looking slightly shocked) she didnÕt!

JANE: (nodding as she pulls up a chair and sits beside the bed) afraid so, Ôpretty in pinkÕ showed her true colours and they are ugly.  But if itÕs any consolation Clovis has had both of them put in confinementÉturns out there was an abandoned mental institution on the land the training grounds was established on.

DARIA: (rubbing her head) ohÉ(shocked) he locked them in an abandoned asylum!

VOICE OS: Relax he owns the property.

(Elsie walks in with a glass of water which she hands to Daria before pulling up a second chair and sitting next to Jane)

ELSIE: as hard as it is to believe but Clovis, Tom and those two other weirdoes bought the property by pooling their money together, what they planned on doing with it I cannot begin to fathom.  HowÕs your head feeling Daria?

DARIA: Terrible, I donÕt know what hurts more, the bruising or the fact Quinn actually did thatÉwait a minute, is this TomÕs room?

JANE: Yep, after that friend of ClovisÕs saw what happened he found usÉnot before slapping a pair of handcuffs on both of those, Tom drove us here seeing as it was the nearest house and we figured it would have been best to let you rest.

DARIA: WouldnÕt the hospital have been a better choice?

JANE: I thought so too until Clovis had a look, he says there was no permanent damage done and you should be fine.

DARIA: And youÕre willing to take advice from a man who breaks bricks over his head?

JANE: He only did that once, besides the guy knows almost as much about medicine as he does about martial arts, I suppose heÕs more than a one trick pony after all.  After he calmed Tom down he went back to the grounds to deal with QuinnÉif it helps I asked him to not pull any punches, (angrier) figuratively and genuinely.

DARIA: Well he better leave some for me, speaking of Tom where is he?

ELSIE: oh we got him to occupy himself after we got a bit worried about him constantly watching over you, when I left him he was in the kitchen makingÉoh Crap

(Elsie jumps out the chair and runs out, after a few seconds we here a cry)

ELSIE OS: TOM DONÕT!

(There is a noise like a sort of FWOOOMPH[6] from the kitchen)

JANE: I guess he was gonna make DinnerÉ

(Fade out on both Daria and Jane putting their faces in their hands)

 

(SCENE: what looks like a padded cell, Sandi and Quinn are sat at opposite ends of the room, as we pan back we see the door has been removed and Wasabi is leaning back in a chair reading something, he has a shotgun resting at his side)

QUINN: I spy with my little eye something beginning withÉP

SANDI: Padding.

QUINN: Yep, your turn.

SANDI: Ugh, I spy with my little eye something beginning withÉG

QUINN: Geek?

SANDI: Dammit how did you guess?  Anyway why donÕt we just leave?  I mean how smart can the guard be if hasnÕt noticed his comic is back to front?

WASABI: (chuckling) oh Iwata when will you ever learn?

QUINN: Sandi itsÉoh forget it.

(The two sit in silence for a while)

SANDI: I still canÕt believe you hit her.

(Quinn is about to respond beforeÉ)

WASABI: Ok ladies you got a visitor (looking back at the Manga in his hands) jeez another act of violence from Watanabe?

(Stacy walks in and stands in the cell doorway)

STACY: (speaking in the standard issue Stacy Rowe panic mode hyperventilation method) oh my God you two, I canÕt believe the rumours going round, Quinn people are saying you actually hit your sister in the head with a baseball bat.  What where you thinking?

SANDI: Like what are you talking about Stacy?  Quinn may have hit someone, which is in my opinion a very deplorable and stupid move, but she did just hit her geeky cousinÉ

QUINN: Actually Stacy is right, Daria is my sister, (getting emotional) but Sandi I wanted to show you I cared more for the fashion club than I did about some stupid geekÉ

SANDI: (stunned) you did what?  Quinn I can be a grade-A bitch at times but even I would never do something like that to either of my brothers for the sake of popularity, besides you kept on telling us she was your cousin or whateverÉ

STACY: (shouting angrily) Oh for crying out loud!  (Looking at Quinn) I canÕt believe you hit her (looking at Sandi) I cant believe you believed herÉGod I donÕt know which of the two of you is the bigger idiot.

(With that she storms out angrily leaving a shocked Sandi and Quinn looking on)

WASABI: (oblivious) who knew you could be so cute while coughing up blood?  (Looks up) hey where the hell did she go?

(Wasabi looks puzzled while Sandi and Quinn remain shocked and glance at each other looking forlorn)

SANDI: Somehow I donÕt think sheÕs coming back.

(Fade out)

 

(SCENE: tracking shot following alongside Stacy as she storms through the forest muttering angrily to herself, she stops when she comes to edge of a drop above a long slope, a rustling sound is heard causing Stacy to turn and look back where she came, she sees nothing but a man has appeared behind herÉ)

LAWNDALE STALKER: Nice day for a walkÉ[7]

(As he reaches for her Stacy angrily backhands him, he staggers over the edge of the drop and disappears from view, Stacy looks over the edge as a series of thuds are heard)

STACY: (shouting) FUCKING LOSER!  (After a pause) oh myÉ

(Stacy looks around nervously and then slowly backs off camera as we fade out)

 

(SCENE: inside TomÕs car, he is driving while Daria is in the passenger seat with Jane in the back, Tom has both his hands bandaged and a band-aid on his cheek, the car is relatively silent until Jane tires of the silence,)

JANE: I never knew it was possible for toast to do that.

TOM: I already said I didnÕt want to talk about it.

(The car pulls up and it seems we have returned to the forest area)

TOM: (getting out and opening the passenger door) You sure you wanted to come back here Daria?

DARIA: you sure you want to commit suicide?

TOM: (changing tone) ok here we are right where you wanted.

DARIA: Anyway IÕm going to track down the town psycho and have a few words with him, occupy yourself for a while ok?

JANE: (As Daria walks away) and once sheÕs found him sheÕll need to talk to Clovis so I better go help him (she walks off, after a few seconds we hear)ÉWAIT A MINUTE.

(Tom leans against a tree and rolls his eyes, he looks up confused when he hears an ÔrrrrÕ sound from above, he turns round and steps back a few paces)

TOM: What have we here?

(He kicks the tree, which judders and out falls a pair of binoculars, followed by a surprised Upchuck, who is even more surprised when he doesnÕt hit the ground but is stopped by a surprisingly accurate kick by Tom, which manages to pin him to the tree, by his neck without actually hurting him)

UPCHUCK: EEP

TOM: (calmly) havenÕt we discussed this before Charles?

(Upchuck is about to reply when a voice interrupts)

VOICE OS: isnÕt threatening people ClovisÕs job?

(ÔJDÕ walks up as Tom turns and lets Upchuck drop to the ground)

TOM: ÔJDÕ what are you doing here?

ÔJDÕ: I hate to break up such a happy couple but Clovis asked me here to help keep things organised while you where occupied, anyways now youÕre here you can take my job, he wants you to go to some club called the Ôscrap-heapÕ with some of the class and wait for a fight to break out and watch.  And if possible see if you can get involved.

(ÔJDÕ hands over a piece of paper containing a list of students)

TOM: what happens if a fight doesnÕt break out?

ÔJDÕ: (looking thoughtful)Éyou know he never said anything about that.

TOM: (shrugging) fair enough, knowing him this is some plan for teaching them how to analyse a fight correctlyÉor he just wants to know if everyone else finds it as funny to see someone get put through a table.  I better see about rounding up the people then.  After that I suppose I should see what Daria wanted to talk to Clovis about.

(Tom walks off with the list, leaving ÔJDÕ and Upchuck who is still on the ground looking nervous until ÔJDÕ helps him up.)

ÔJDÕ: so do you usually spend your time staring at Daria Morgendorffer with a pair of binoculars?  Or is she just one of many?

UPCHUCK: (sensing a potential kindred spirit) a little bit of both actually.

ÔJDÕ: Please enlighten me as to your methods; I sense an exchange of tactics coming up.

(The two walk away in the opposite direction to Tom, ÔJDÕ glances over his shoulder with an unsettling grin briefly before we fade out)

 

(SCENE: yet again in the forest but this time also outside a building, obviously the abandoned mental institute mentioned, Clovis and Wasabi are sat on the ground leaning against the wall looking into the sky, Wasabi ahs the remnants of a ÔcigÕ in his mouth)

CLOVIS: You ever wonder where weÕll be in 5 years time?

WASABI: knowing us two probably running some stupid business venture to avoid getting real jobs.

CLOVIS: Amen to that.

(There is a silence for a few moments before)

CLOVIS: do you think we where too hard on them?

WASABI: not really, sure having them practice forms and footwork for 3 hours may seem a little harsh but hey youÕre the martial arts guy and know whatÕs best.

CLOVIS: I guessÉ

(Clovis sighs and looks down at the ground)

WASABI: something on your mind?

CLOVIS: I donÕt know, IÕm getting sort of mixed signals from this whole tournament thing, I mean look at me, IÕm not even 21 and IÕm already acquiring more students than some people twice my age can hope to acquire, I guess IÕm finally starting to worry about this stuff, I sacrificed a part of my childhood willingly in the pursuit of martial arts training, I speak with no arrogance when I say I have talent far exceeded most people, and yet why do I constantly worry about how much my life is dominated by martial arts, maybe IÕm just spouting utter bollocks but I keep thinking back to the saying Ôkilling a cat by choking it with creamÕ and asking myself do I want to be known forevermore as Clovis the Ômartial arts guyÕ or Clovis the person?

VOICE OS: Well then IÕm glad you learned what I taught.

(Ken Wan walks up and sits between the two)

CLOVIS: What are you doing here Uncle Kenny?

KEN: Your father asked me to check up on you and ask if you would be home for dinner tonight or if you had any prior engagements.

CLOVIS: Oh I probably will be home tonight, I asked ÔJDÕ to give a message to Tom telling him if he can to take a bunch of students to a club I know and observe the fights, of course I told him to tell Tom not to get involved.  What did you mean about learning what you taught anyways?

KEN: Clovis youÕve always had a thirst for any sort of knowledge related to martial arts, but I always worried you wouldnÕt be able to learn anything else, I admit that your development was warped a little as a result but on the whole you came out more or less adequate, IÕm just glad you know there is more to life than martial arts.

CLOVIS: I suppose, its only really hit home nowÉoh noÉ

KEN: what is it?

CLOVIS:I think IÕm starting to grow up.

WASABI: I hate to break this Hallmark moment but we got company coming.

(The trio look up as Daria and Jane approach)

CLOVIS: hi Daria, howÕs your head?

DARIA: as well as can be expected I guess, whose yourÉ(she trails off when she looks at Ken clearly)

CLOVIS: (standing up) Oh of course, Daria this is my uncle, Ken Wan Ng.

KEN: (standing up and holding out a hand) I do believe weÕve met before albeit under somewhat unusual circumstances.

DARIA: He was stalking my aunt

KEN: (laughing lightly) ah yes Amy never did get round to phoning to clear that up did she?  Do not worry my intentions where entirely righteous and me and your aunt are now quite good friends.

DARIA: (looking a little relieved) ah I seeÉwell I guess itÕs a good idea to start over (shakes his hand) IÕm Daria, mildly indifferent to meet you.

KEN: (laughing again) yes indeed you are AmyÕs niece all right.

CLOVIS: back to business Daria what did you need to speak to me about?  If itÕs involving the traitorous sibling then matters have been taken care of.

DARIA: Its not that Clovis, (takes a deep breath) IÕm quitting the martial arts team and lessons.

(Fade out on everyone looking stunned while Wasabi chokes on a ÔcigÕ he was lighting)

 

(SCENE: The ÔScrap-HeapÕ later that evening, various Lawndale students are milling around in a group with Tom stood off to the side away from everyone else looking pensive)

TOM VO: I still canÕt believe sheÕs just up and quitting like that, Daria isnÕt the type to give up easily.  I guess after what happened with Quinn sheÕs more shook up about it than sheÕs letting on, big surprise there.  I feel kind of responsible what with it being me who suggested she give this a go, what is this Tom?  The 2nd or 3rd time one of your decisions may have screwed things up for someone else in the past few months?  I guess I canÕt beat myself up for thisÉ

(His inner monologue is stopped by a largish figure bumping into him)

VOICE: Hey watch where your goingÉhey I remember you!

(Tom turns around to find Kim; the ponytail RSW from ÔOne Day is All I AskÕ standing there before him)

KIM: YouÕre the guy who because of you I got the crap kicked out of me 3 times in less than a day, oh I am gonna enjoy this

(He cracks his knuckles while the now intrigued Lawndale students form in a ring around the two eagerly awaiting what should be interesting)

TOM VO: As you where saying old boy, canÕt beat yourself up about this, the gentleman here is quite willing to do it for me.  Normally I would try and talk my way out of this but you know what, I have a lot of excess anger and frustration to let out so a few rounds with this man should suffice.

(Tom removes his white headband from his pocket and ties it round his forehead before he and Kim take their opening stances, they circle at first, the two seem to be sizing each other up before lunging at each other as we fade out.)

 

(SCENE: the giant strawberry, rain clouds appear to be in the distance, a taxi pulls up and Daria gets out, surprisingly enough the taxi drives off without waiting for payment, Daria looks at it go and then at a ladder leading to the top of the giant sculpture, she fishes a note out of her jacket and looks at it confused while we have the usual flashback dissolve here to go back to a silent and B&W scene of the Morgendorffer front door, the cabbie knocks on the door to which Daria answers, some words are exchanged and a note is handed to Daria, she is seen to ask something questioningly, whatever the answer is it is enough to get her into the cab at which point we move back to the strawberry)

DARIA: This is crazyÉ

(At that she begins to climb up the ladder, once she reaches the top of she walks out to the centre, she stops and looks at a black umbrella driven into a crack in the sculpture)

VOICE OS: I was wondering when you would show up.

DARIA: (startled) AAAH! (Turning round she replies in her usual deadpan) Oh it's you.

(She is facing good old ÔUncle KennyÕ who was stood behind her, his usual tweed jacket and matching flat cloth clap are no where to be seen, it seems under it he wears a black shirt not unlike ClovisÕs only with short sleeves meaning most of his arms are visible which seem to posses more than a few scars along with on one a tattoo of a dragon and one of a tiger on the other, it would seem there is more to him than meets the eyes)

KEN: I am seeing you got my message then. Good to know you trusted me enough.

DARIA: well I was suspicious of you being a kidnapper at first but figured how many Asian guys with tweed jackets and matching flat cloth caps are there around here?

KEN: Very true, and donÕt worry I donÕt plan on kidnapping youÉyour not important enough for that sort of thing.

DARIA: (deadpan) thanks a lotÉso I assume its just use for this little chat?

KEN: afraid so, I canÕt understand where Clovis is, I wrote on the note telling him to meet me at the home of the biggest fruit in Lawndale.

 (Quick cut to a doorway with a familiar black-clad, cap-wearing figure knocking at it, the door opens, as the occupant looks out confused)

 STEPHEN: Clovis what are you doing here?

 (Return to the giant strawberry)

 DARIA: (trying to hide a smirk) I cannot begin to imagine. So what did you want me here to talk about? I assume itÕs to do with me leaving this whole tournament business?

 KEN: You assume correctly I just wanted to talk to you about it, from what I had heard of you from your Aunt I had not assumed you to be someone who would give up easily.

 DARIA: (surprised) Aunt Amy talks about me? (Shaking her head and resuming her usual tone) what do you mean give up so easily? My own sister hit me in the head with a baseball bat because of this stupid martial arts thing.

 KEN: (it seems he is not impressed) well if youÕre going to let a little thing like that stop you then I guess go ahead, but did I quit the Royal Hong Kong police force when I got shot 6 times? (VO) no you did not KenÉit was when you got shot 7 times you decided to call it a day.

 DARIA: (Blinking) Excuse me? (VO) 6 times! (End VO) no offence but unlike you and your family I posses a modicum of commons sense and a survival instinct thatÕs telling me that I donÕt want to wind up hospitalisedÉor worse.

 KEN: I understand your concerns, you remind me very much of AnitaÉplease excuse me (removes his glasses and cleans them, he appears to be holding back tears) I apologise, painful memories. Although surely that desire to avoid harm would logically encourage the learning of some form of self-defence ergo your decision to walk out of the training, which you have already begun to show exponential potential strikes me as a rather foolish choice. But that is just my humble opinion.

 DARIA: (looking at him confused) É (VO) for a guy who English is a secondÉor third language he sure likes to talk (end VO) Ken IÕm sure that in your Ômartial worldÕ such ideas would work, but this isnÕt some old kung-fu movie but reality, it doesnÕt matter if I happened to have the potential to become some sort of Tai Chi expert, what are the odds of me ever needing to use it? The odds of me getting attacked are pretty slim and even in such a case a swift kick to the groin will halt most attackers.

 KEN: I suppose you have a point (begins walking around Daria as the rain clouds begin to gather) Oh and remember when I said I just wanted to talk? ÉI lied.

 (He suddenly spins a kick at Daria and we fade out before we see if it connects)

 

 (SCENE: back at the ÔScrap HeapÕ, most of the students are sat at the bar with drinks calmly watching something off screen, there are various sound effects of the CRASH, BANG, & WALLOP variety, their reactions are an assortment of awe, amusement, and a winces at some of the more unpleasant sounding effects, some of the students calmly stand up and move seats, the reason soon becomes clear when Tom is thrown into the bar, he flips onto his feet despite looking like he was taken a beating, his clothing is torn , his body bruised, and there is a trail of blood running down the side of his mouth, we zoom out to show Kim in similar condition facing him as Tom steps onto the ground.)

 KIM: (between breaths) HadÉenoughÉyet?

 TOM: (wiping the blood from his mouth) Come on, stop trying to hurt me and hurt me.

 KIM VO: What the hell? This guy is either a real masochist or he must be running on near fatal levels of adrenaline. Guess IÕll have to do this the hard way.

 (Kim grabs a table and swings it down at Tom, who isnÕt quick enough to dodge it, however before it hits him a black clad foot kicks it into splinters, we zoom out to show Clovis and Stephen stood there, Clovis still has his leg raised in a standing splits)

 CLOVIS: sorry to interrupt mate but IÕm afraid I need to borrow my friend here,

 KIM: Back of unless you want me to kick your asses as well!

 STEPHEN: (Tapping Kim on the forehead) Sleep.

 KIM: You got it (collapses).

 CLOVIS: (lowering his leg) Tom correct me if IÕm wrong but didnÕt ÔJDÕ say I told you NOT to get involved in any fights?

 TOM: (walks towards Clovis and staggers forwards, Stephen and Clovis catch him and lead him outside) No he said for me to get involved if I could andÉ(he falls face down onto the floor

 STEPHEN & CLOVIS: (pointing at each other) I thought you where holding him.

 CLOVIS: Honestly sometimes I think the only way ÔJDÕ can remember something is if you tell him it in Klingon.

 (They pick Tom up again and sit him down, he looks a little dazed)

 CLOVIS: Anyways we came to ask if you had any idea why my uncle would give me this note, (hands it to Tom) and to tell me where he meant, I sort of got theÉ wrong idea. (Stephen is glaring at him) donÕt give me that look; I can feel your look.

 (Tom finishes reading the note and suddenly stands up)

 TOM: GuyÕs I need to run IÕll catch you later (staggers into Stephen and practically rebounds off of him towards the car park.

 STEPHEN: he really shouldnÕt be allowed to drive like that.

 CLOVIS: YeahÉgood thing he took your car.

 STEPHEN: WHAT?

 (Fade out on Clovis grinning as StephenÕs car passes with Tom at the wheel)

 

 (SCENE: The giant strawberry, a proper thunderstorm has developed, two figures appear to be duelling on top, when the lightning flashes nearby we can see it as being Daria and Ken, Ken seems to be only kicking while both his hands are in his pocket while Daria is doing the usual Tai Chi, she is being purely defensive at the moment, as Ken passes his umbrella he grabs it and opens it above himself, strangely he starts to hum ÔSinging in the RainÕ as the music begins to play for out benefit of the reader, he even seems to be tap dancing between kicks)

 KEN: (while still releasing a barrage of kicks) I must say I am surprised at how much you are holding back, IÕm getting a little bored in this.

 DARIA: (stopping as a kick stops a fraction away from her face) well thenÉ(VO) good he can see IÕm no good at this and I can put this behindÉwait a second, heÕs open in several locations, one well placed blow andÉwhat the hell am I thinking? WasnÕt the whole point of this to show IÕm notÉa sweep to his legs would send himÉDAMMIT Daria stop this you know you canÕt fiÉoh what the hell. (End VO) allow me to make this more interesting for you then.

 (Suddenly Daria grabs KenÕs extended leg with one hand and pushes it at the same time sweeping his grounded leg in the opposite direction, then she turns into him and uses her shoulder to knock him backwards, he lands suddenly in a splits looking both surprised and impressed, in a somewhat impressive yet bizarre move he pulls himself back up from the splits using only his legs, he is twirling his umbrella over his shoulder as he speaks)

 KEN: marvellous, now come at me with everything you have.

 DARIA: I donÕt think thatÕs a good idea (In the background we see Stephens car stop nearby and what looks like Tom get out)

 KEN: Nonsense, I merely wish to test your skill, now come on.

 DARIA: Honestly Ken I think youÕve proven your point.

 KEN: (advancing on Daria) You need not fear harm.

 DARIA: Actually IÕm more worried about you holding that umbrella in thisÉ

 (Suddenly a bolt of lightning strikes said umbrella, we get the clichŽ but still funny skeleton view of Ken while Daria is blasted off the Strawberry by the bolt, as she falls past Tom who is climbing the ladder and nearly at the top he looks down at this)

 TOM: (Ôwhy meÕ expression) The things I do for love.

 (He jumps off the ladder and tries to catch Daria, he wraps his arms around her and tries to guide them towards the nearest hedges, unluckily for them he misses by a few feet, luckily for Daria something partially cushions her landing, unluckily for Tom that something happens to be him)

 DARIA: (finishing her sentence)Éstorm. (Rubbing her head) Ouch, that hurt (Looking around on the ground) what the hell, how did IÉTom?

 (There is a sound of muffled groan from under her and she jumps up quickly, while she sees about recovering whatÕs left of her boyfriend we pan back up to the top of the strawberry to show a somewhat charred and frazzled Ken still clutching the remains of his umbrella in his hand, he is swaying as he looks down)

 KEN: in retrospect a simple phone-call would have sufficed (with that he collapses off camera and presumably over the edge, and on that we fade out)

 

 (SCENE: Daria and Tom sat in the pizza place across from each other, they both seem to be bandaged in various places, neither seems to be saying anything, suddenly Daria grabs Tom and drags him across the table as she kisses him, eventually she lets him go, he sits there light headed for a while before speaking at last)

 TOM: Wow, guess youÕre feeling better.

 DARIA: mentally yes, (rubbing the back of her head) physically no, how about you? IÕm amazed youÕre still conscious let alone breathing from the looks of you.

 TOM: (Shrugging) a side effect of my friendship with Clovis has led me to develop a very high pain tolerance, why do you think our relationship has lasted so far?

 DARIA: VO: Should I kick him under the table for that? Nah heÕs suffered enough.

 VOICE OS: You two never cease to amaze me, you know that?

 (Clovis walks up to the two with 3 sodas, he hands one to each of them and then takes a seat alongside them)

 CLOVIS: How you both feeling then?

 DARIA: well my headÕs still smarting a bit, you sure I donÕt need it checked out?

 CLOVIS: Relax, you have some minor bruising but no bump, your sister only scored a glancing blow but the shock combined to cause the loss of consciousness.

 DARIA: How do you know so much about this anyway?

 CLOVIS: (looking down and replying embarrassed) I want to be a Doctor someday.

 TOM: No wonder Biology is your best subject.

 DARIA: I must say IÕm impressed. By the way Clovis, all that stuff I said about quitting the tournament? Forget it.

 CLOVIS: Okie-Dokie.

 TOM: So how is Kenny doing then?

 CLOVIS: Oh heÕll be fine, it takes more than a simple force of nature to slow him down. Although apparently we should keep him away from electrical appliances for a while, heÕs already overloaded hospital vending machines twice.

 (Tom chuckles at this and Clovis joins in, after a moment Daria begins to laugh softly as well, we fade out on this happy trio and end the scene.)

 

 (SCENE: Daria, Jane, Jodie, Mack, Ted, Quinn, Stacy, Evan and Tom kneeling on the ground in a clearing as Clovis is pacing back and forth in front of a flag pole talking, for once he is talking with a complete lack of irreverence and has a touch of pride and sincerity to his voice, for once in his life he doesnÕt seem like he is about to do something unpredictable or stupid)

 CLOVIS: I thought we wouldnÕt stand a chance when I agreed to this tournament, I am glad to say you have all proved me wrong, I speak with no ego when I say that you are the best students a teacher could ask for, you all surpassed my expectations in one form or another, I think I can safely say that the 10 of us can go to the tournament with as much chance of winning as any one else, and soÉ (He jumps up onto the flagpole and hangs from it with ease) I had this knocked up for us

 (He climbs up the flagpole; they look on as he unfurls a flag and drops to the ground, the flag billows in the breeze to show a Tiger with the number 10 behind it and a rising sun)

 CLOVIS: I present the banner for us, the Ten Tigers of Lawndale to do battle under.

 (Fade out on the flagpole)

 

 (SCENE: a wooded clearing, Daria in her Tai Chi suit is using a Tai Chi sword for a very fast paced looking sword drill, dry leaves are flowing in the air around her, she has her eyes closed and a tranquil expression across her face. Jane and Tom watch from nearby)

 TOM: Hey Clovis.

 (Clovis drops out of a tree between the two while Jane looks confused)

 JANE VO: How the hell did he know he was near?

 CLOVIS: (putting an arm around each of the twoÕs shoulder) All right there,

 JANE: Daria seems to be doing well; I guess all this has made her ready.

 CLOVIS: (sighing) IÕm afraid this is merely the calm before the storm (pauses and looks up at the sky for a while) we must prepareÉ

 (On that ominous note we fade out and roll credits)

 

 


[1] Cameo number 1 Isa-Yojo of PPMB

[2] as seen in ÔDariaÕs InfernoÕ

[3] Cameo number 2, Parker-Man from PPMB

[4] Cameo number 3, Deuce Deckard, character loaned from my friend Paul Smith.

[5] Loosely based off the ÔGame Of DeathÕ jumpsuit worn by Bruce Lee

[6] Of course we all know the 3rd O is silent.

[7] Cameo number 4, Lawndale Stalker of PPMB