Way of the Cynic:

Way of the Cynic:

A Fanfic by DJW, all Daria Characters are © of MTV, Viacom and…what the hell you all know how this goes, the show belongs to who it belongs to, same with the characters except mine…they belong to me. Hey give me a break this is my first Fanfic.

Way of the Cynic:

Quick summary: ‘season premiere’ Daria and Jane agree to help Tom with a class project they become exposed to his friends from Fielding Prep for the first time and realise that despite being a school for ‘rich kids’ its really very similar to Lawndale High.

(This series takes place a month after IIFY)

…………………………………………………………….

Cue opening theme and usual stuff, you should all know it off by heart by now so I will not bother writing it up. Feel free to sing the theme tune out loud if you want…unless you are reading this in a public place then you may attract unwanted attention.

(ACT 1)

(SCENE: Our story opens upon one Thomas Sloane heading to his locker in Fielding Prep school, it is similar to Lawndale however it looks slightly more high class…only slightly though, students mill about as Tom proceeds to open his locker, stick his head inside and let a muffled yell, he removes his head, shuts the door and lets his face fall into it dejectedly, clearly he is not amused, the locker next to him opens and a British voice speaks[1])

VOICE: Cheer up mate, it could be worse.

TOM: (looking up) Clovis, please enlighten me as to how it could be worse, we have been given an assignment telling us to discuss with friends not from this school the differences in the social class system. I have two friends from outside of this school, both of which I prefer to keep all discussion of my social status to as close to zero as possible without requiring the removal of vocal chords given that this matter has been the cause of some considerable grief as of lately which I have only recently dealt with (turns to face the still OS Clovis and shouts at full volume). NOW TELL ME HOW THIS COULD POSSIBLE BE ANY WORSE!

(Zoom out to show the aforementioned Clovis, pay attention as this is the only description of him you will get for a while; he looks about Tom’s height and build, his age could be between same age to about a year older, he is dressed in a thin cream woollen sweater with a dark blue kung-fu jacket tied round his waist as well as a pair of blue jogging bottoms and a pair of old black leather boots, most unusual about him is his hair which is black and set in a 5ft long Chinese braid but with no bald front which is instead in a normal fringe although this is covered by a black leather baseball cap most of the time. He is taking the gale force of Tom’s verbalisation of his frustrations to his facial area…in other words he is being yelled at in the face, once Tom is finishes he clears his throat and begins to speak)

CLOVIS: Hmm…we could have to do an oral presentation…in the nude…in front of our whole families…on a cold day?

TOM: (raises an eyebrow then shakes his head and grins) Remind me again why I not only ask you questions but also listen to the inane drivel you spout in response?

CLOVIS: (grins) Hey what are best friends for mate? Speaking of friends what are these two you mentioned like?

(SCENE: our favourite cynic +sidekick are at Chez Lane watching SSW, it figures)

SSW Announcer (OS): They exploited his death so many times he spun in his grave, and now he’s spinning his way back onto the silver screen; “Deadly Spinning Coffin of Bruce” next on Sick Sad World.[2]

DARIA: (turns off the TV) Now that’s just to sick AND to sad for this world.

JANE: Oh I don’t know, after my media legacy had ended and people would still keep churning out stuff using me I would be looking for some vengeance…and a spinning coffin can do quite the damage from what I recall.

DARIA: I don’t even want to hear about that one.

JANE: Well it’s a funny story…(phone rings while Jane seems to be telling this story on autopilot)

DARIA VO: Saved by the proverbial bell (answers the phone) Hello?

(Split-screen to Tom)

TOM: Hey Daria, what’s up?

DARIA: The number of paint fumes our mutual acquaintance has inhaled I believe.

TOM: The spinning coffin again? She’ll be in full swing by now I’m guessing so that gives us plenty of time to talk.

DARIA: I wont even ask how you know about this, so what made you call today? Other than the only shred of meaning you get in life the sound of my voice gives you?

TOM: Well that and I’ve been saddled with one of the worst homework assignments imaginable. I was hoping you and Jane would be willing to assist me in it.

DARIA: You want Jane and me to take valuable time off our own incredibly full social and academic schedules to help you with your homework?

TOM: Yeah that’s pretty much seeing as your school is closed for about a week while they fix that damage caused by the short circuiting electric fence…and since when did you have a social life? (Said in a mock jealous voice) are you seeing someone else?

DARIA: Yes Trent and I finally confessed our true love to one another and plan to have a double wedding in Utah with Jesse and Jane[3] so I’m afraid we cannot help with your schoolwork.

TOM: (sighs) Fine I’ll give you and Jane 20 bucks each to help.

DARIA: Tom you know I can’t accept money from my boyfriend.

TOM: (exasperated sigh of a man who has been beaten) Fine I’ll buy you that signed copy of Battle Royale they have in the bookstore. Oddly ironic all things considered.

DARIA: Deal, you know its true what they say, a kiss on the hand can be quite sentimental, but novels about school students killing each other are a girl’s best friends. Isn’t that right Jane?

JANE (who has been talking the whole time) …and anyway the hamsters where all purchased legally just like the watermelon as I explained to the officer…

DARIA: (leaves Jane to her babble) I’ll take that as a yes, (back to the phone) so do you want to come over tonight to discuss this?

TOM: I’d love to but I have a prior engagement with a friend, he’s working with me on the project, I’ll introduce you…be careful though he is a little (errs) well…

DARIA: Weird?

TOM: Hey you know that us rich are never weird; we’re ‘eccentric’ but anyways meet me tomorrow I’ll give you a ride to fielding with Clovis, think you can handle the weirdo?

DARIA: (looks at Jane) What do you think? See you tomorrow (hangs up as the split screen ends and Jane finished babbling, saying something about undertakers never understanding creative freedom) remind me again why I not only ask you questions but also listen to the inane drivel you spout in response?

JANE: (grins) Hey what are best friends for Morgendorffer? Speaking of friends what where you and Tom discussing?

(SCENE: Toms room at his house, start on an extreme close-up of Tom’s face, when it zooms out it will be apparent that a large amount of space has been cleared, the music “Under the Generals Orders”[4] plays throughout)

TOM: (while he talks he seems to be moving around off camera) Anyways I spoke to Daria and she agreed to help out with our assignment.

(As he finished this sentence a bare foot heads to his face in a kick, he blocks with surprising ease and the camera pans out to show Clovis as the owner of the leg, he is wearing the jacket normally round his waist and Tom is wearing a similar one only dark grey, their sweaters, t-shirts and shoes are on the floor near the door, Clovis still has his baseball cap, as they talk they continue to spar using various kung-fu moves,)

CLOVIS: That’s great; I always wondered what this semi-mythical girlfriend of yours looked like (pauses for a few seconds while he flips over Tom and lands behind him) so which one is the ex and which is the one you left her for? (A foot in the crotch and a palm to the face are his answer knocking him down)

TOM: Aw crap, sorry Clovis, don’t know what came over me…you all right?

CLOVIS: (in a much higher voice) I’m fine (He then flips up onto his feet and proceeds to dance around the room a la Bruce Lee as his voice returns to normal gradually) it seems this matter is a sore spot…(lunges into a punch then pulls out at the last second and tries to slide kick Toms feet) seriously though which of the two is which?

TOM: (narrowly side steps this) Daria is the one in glasses who I’m seeing (drives his fist to the ground at Clovis’s head who rolls to dodge) and Jane is the black haired one and also my ‘ex’…(Clovis spins round into a low to the ground stance, his legs nearly doing the splits) although I would appreciate it if you don’t mention it to them, I think its still a sore subject all round. (VO) And you know it’s a sore spot, you’re just trying to distract me so you can…

CLOVIS: (nods and jumps at Tom as he begins to shout) No Shadow Ki…(is cut off by a spinning jump kick from Tom which sends him flying across the room, he rolls as he hits the ground and goes back into the same near-splits stance again) oh Buggeration, I’m going to do that move one day…nice kick by the way.

TOM: (grinning) Thanks, how about this one (goes into an axe-kick straight down at Clovis who blocks with his forearms above his head, although there is still enough force to push Clovis down into the splits) ohhhh Dear…(nervously) you ok buddy?

CLOVIS: (his voice strained but audible) WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU THINK? FIRST YOU BOOT ME IN BOLLOCKS THEN TURN ME INTO A DAMN T-SQUARE…ARE YOU INTENT ON MAKING ME INTO A EUNUCH?

TOM: …Well you can still swear so yep your fine (helps him up) what can I say I’m just making the world safe for future generations, anyways we better get back into the ‘civvies’ Daria and Jane will be here soon, I said we’d give them a lift.

(The two of them remove the kung-fu jackets, Tom throws his on top of the wardrobe while Clovis ties his round his waist then goes over to a small CD player and turns the music off…what you didn’t think it was playing on its own did you?)

CLOVIS: Think we have time for showers?

TOM: Well knowing Daria’s aversion to physical activity and Jane suffering the Lane sleep dependency mixed with her tendencies to run we should have enough time for a quick shower each, I’ll take the upstairs, you take the downstairs.

CLOVIS: Yeah plenty of time…

(SCENE: cut to show Daria and Jane on their way to the Sloane’s house, Jane looks like she is still half asleep, Daria is her usual self)

JANE: (slightly groggy, sometimes pausing for several seconds between words) Remind me Morgendinger…Morgan Freeman…Mor…Daria why we are going to Tom’s this early? My eyes are so blurry I can’t even see what time it is on my watch…

DARIA: (looks at Jane and counts things off on her fingers) One; he said he would give us a ride and I don’t know what time he leaves for school so I want to be early, two; he said he wants to introduce us to a friend of his from Fielding and I’m a little nervous that not all people from there are as open-minded/intelligent as Tom, (pauses) three; your watch is on the other wrist…

JANE: (looks down and brightens up a little) Oh yeah…wait a minute…he said a friend right? Did by any chance he mention the friend’s name?

DARIA: I think so…why is there something I should know about his friends?

JANE: Sort of, it’s just that Tom never really mentioned any friends leading me to believe he had none.

DARIA: What about that time you went bowling?

JANE: Oh it was just us in the end, he said one of his friends had done something stupid and they where trying to clear the mess, so it was like any other time, just the two of us…although he usually said he had something to do some nights and sometimes whole days with a guy named Clovis…

DARIA: (interrupts) That was the name of the guy.

JANE: (looks surprised) Wow so he really does exist, usually the next day Tom would turn up aching all over and he…

DARIA & JANE (said at same time): Would sometimes be walking funny as well…

JANE: (suddenly wide awake) OH MY GOD TOM IS A PENDULUM…

(Daria looks speechless at this for a while then says simply)

DARIA: What?

JANE: All this time while he was seeing me and then seeing you he was seeing HIM as well…you think you know a guy…

(Daria shakes her head and stops walking)

DARIA: Jane I can assure you that Tom does not ‘swing both ways’ which is what I hope you meant by your little euphemism, I’m sure Tom has his reasons for whatever it is that he does with…or too this guy (VO) and its much more fun pretending I don’t know the real reason, suddenly revenge for all those yenta acts appears, Thank you God (end VO) but I’m sure that its entirely platonic…

(SCENE: we return now to Tom’s room as him and Clovis both enter wearing towels and proceed to gather their clothes together…for some reason Clovis still has his cap on)

CLOVIS: (claps his hand on Toms shoulder) Nice workout today, same time next time?

TOM: You know if anyone were to walk in they would definitely get the wrong idea about all this…

CLOVIS: You know your absolutely right, good thing Elsie is the only person here…and she usually keeps her distance as I think she’s afraid of my kind and me[5].

(As they are talking the door opens to show Elsie, Daria, and Jane, all three have looks of surprise, eventually Elsie breaks the silence of the three)

ELSIE: (trying no to laugh) Erm…Tom, these two where at the door, so I brought them up…is now not a good time? (Looks Clovis up and down and grins) hey Clovis…

(The look on the girls face is almost as surprised as the towel boys look when they turn and see this, Tom just puts his face in his hand while Clovis just screams and covers his chest with his hand, Jane just stands there with wide eyes)

JANE: I knew it…

(While Daria does her usual Mona Lisa smile)

(Cut to music montage, Tom screaming in his locker, Daria and Jane walking, Clovis doing the impromptu splits and the two of them getting caught in towels)

…………………………………………………………….

(ACT 2)

(Close up of Clovis who is still screaming until a hand slaps him in the face, zoom out to show it is Tom who is fully dressed as is Clovis, they are sat in Toms car with Daria and Jane in the back)

TOM: If you insist on doing that every few minutes your riding on the roof.

CLOVIS: (snapping back to reality) Sorry ‘bout that. (Turns round to look at D&J and holds up a hand in a ‘hey how’s it going?’ motion) anyways I’m Clovis, Clovis Lee-Daniels, nice to meet you.

JANE: (still a little apprehensive) Uh…yeah…hi…

DARIA: (normal self) Hi, so you’re either the guy who taught Tom how to defend himself or his boyfriend? Which is it?

CLOVIS: (laughs lightly) Set your mind rest, I am his Sifu and a friend nothing more.

(He turns back to talk to Tom about something. During this Jane leans towards Daria and has a whispered conversation)

JANE: How the hell did you know he did Kung Fu? He never mentioned it to me.

DARIA: He didn’t tell me, he showed me…

(FLASHBACK: Daria and Tom are walking out of a small art-house/independent film type cinema, the sort of place that would show indie, cult and world cinema etc it has a small sign with ‘The Vortex’ written on it,)

DARIA VO: We had gone to the Vortex, that new independent movie theatre to watch some old movie about a one armed guy who had to defend himself from a blind man with a killer hat by using his power to walk on walls or something like that, you know the usual 70’s Hong Kong fare[6]

(Move into the two talking outside the theatre on their way to Tom’s rust bucket I mean death-trap, I mean car, Tom is playing with his car keys by tossing them up and down in his hand idly)

TOM: Now don’t you agree that even brainless kung-fu movies can give a positive message to the handicapped?

DARIA: True that while it was giving a positive message to anyone with only arm who also happened to have super powers that they could still be a regular ass-kicking member of society, it did give a somewhat negative portrayal of the blind as psychotic killers with bizarre weapons.

TOM: True but it’s not like they could read the subtitles to know what was going on anyways. (Looks to see about four generic ‘young thugs’ stood around or sat on his car) Oh great, this is the last thing we need.

DARIA: Lets just walk home, it’s not worth getting hurt over that car…

TOM: Not for the car, but there is something in it that is worth it (walks up to the thugs) mind if I have my car back gentlemen?

(The apparent leader of the thugs gets up and stands in facing Tom, the other three begin to stand around him, Tom remains his usual calm laid back self, he is still tossing the keys up and down, Daria’s eyes follow them as she looks on)

THUG1: Well what we got here boys? Looks like some little brat don’t know what’s good for him, ain’t that right?

DARIA: (starting to show a little concern and dare I say it…fear) Tom forgets about it we can take a cab or walk even…

THUG2: Yeah listen to your ‘girly-girl’ little boy…you know what they say, better seen and not heard…although in this case it looks like it would be better not seen or heard…

DARIA VO: Now I’m not sure entirely what transpired as it all happened so fast but I did hear Tom say something, and his voice sounded a little different.

(MUSIC: Minefields by Prodigy)

TOM: (interrupting the thug and sounding a little pissed off) Daria watch my keys…

(Tom throws his car keys into the air, everyone looks up as they go, this entire encounter lasts less than 5 seconds but plays in slow motion meaning we get a good view of the thug to the left of him being oblivious as he jumps off the ground in a spinning back heel kick straight into the side of his head, Tom lands crouching and thrusts his elbow deep into the stomach of one behind him, continuing in one fluid movement he delivers an uppercut to the thug he did have his back against, lastly he brings his hand up and introduces the thug leader who is now behind him to his knuckles, he then opens his hand and catches his keys, we return to real time as they land in his hand and all four of the thugs hit the ground simultaneously)

TOM: Please don’t insult my girlfriend…especially with incorrect statements. (Voice returns to normal) sorry about that Daria, are you ok?

(Daria walks up to Tom and slaps him in the face)

DARIA: That was for being a complete idiot, (kisses him) now that was for standing up for me, (looks at the four unconscious thugs on the floor) and this is for just kicking ass (thumbs up) I never thought you had it in you…so what was so important that you just had to brutalise about 4 members of Lawndale’s criminal underclass?

(Tom unlocks the car and removes something)

TOM: This was.

(He hands Daria a well-read book it has a green cover with a picture of a brown faced, red-horned, green-eyed devil sticking its tongue out, in a grey bar at the bottom is the title: “Saki The Complete Short Stories”[7])

DARIA: A second hand book? There better be a damn good explanation to this Tom.

(Cut back briefly to Daria still talking to Jane in the car)

DARIA: Then Tom gave me some reason or another for wanting to and we left (VO to herself) sorry Jane I can’t tell you the true reason for that, but a girl has to have some secrets after all.

(We return to the flashback Tom appears to be working himself up to say something, finally he takes a deep breath and goes into what is practically a soliloquy only without the Shakespearian dialogue)

(MUSIC: Don’t let me be misunderstood by Santa Esmeralda[8])

TOM: This book has been a sort of ‘comfort book’ to me for as long as I can remember, whenever I felt down or angry I would turn to this book. After what happened between Me, You, …and Jane over Summer I sat and read the entire book and I began to see some of myself in the characters, how they where hypocritical in their actions and nearly all self centred in their actions, even the ‘heroes’ of his stories can be guilty of various flaws, their redeeming factors being that they are aware of the flaws in their social system and exploit them, often for their own gain and sometimes for others…I saw a lot of myself in these stories and it scared me, I saw how my actions at times where very self centred and even immature, I had an epiphany then, I don’t want to be like that Daria, I’m not perfect and I never claimed to be, but I want to be a better person than I was, maybe I have already done harm to …certain things when I should have left them alone, but I feel like a new man now, so instead of dwelling on what stupid things I’ve already done I want to think ahead to the all the good things I can do…and I want you to help me to do that Daria, this book as well as being one of the best books I ever read also contains all the worries, confusions and fears I have as well as all the hopes, joys, and faith. I want you to look after these for me, as I know I may make mistakes at times, sometimes I will speak before I think and sometimes I can just be plain clueless, but I want to avoid that and not be the self-centred, thoughtless, spoiled brat I used to be. I probably, no definitely should have suffered more than I did in what happened but now I just want to be with the people whom I care about, and spend time with the girl who I care about more than anyone else. (Deep exhalation) I don’t know how much that accomplished but I’m glad I got that all off of my chest.

DARIA: (looking slightly taken aback) You got all that from just this book? …Wow must be a damn good read then.

TOM: (sheepish grin) Well that and a friend gave me some pretty severe tough love.

(Tom holds his left shoulder for a few seconds with a faraway look while Daria gives that rare smile she gives only when in a state close to happiness[9])

DARIA: Some friend, and…thanks a lot for actually saying that…come here…

(The two lip-lock…although Tom seems to wince a little when Daria comes into contact with his left arm, eventually it begins to rain causing the two to pull away)

TOM: (slightly light headed from loss of air, hey a long speech followed by an even longer kiss can do that to you) Ah, a rain to wash the world clean. (Looks at the thugs who are beginning to groan) Maybe we should leave before they recover? (Opens the car door for Daria)

DARIA: I agree (gets in) by the way, you think you can teach me some of that stuff ever?

(The car speeds away…if such a thing is possible in that state as we return to Daria who is smiling to herself as the car comes to a stop)

TOM: Here we are ‘guys and gals’ Fielding Prep school…home of the damned.

(Cut to music montage, everyone in the car, Daria and Tom leaving the movie theatre, Tom beating up the gang and Daria and him lip-locking)

…………………………………………………………….

(ACT 3)

(SCENE: Back inside Fielding at Tom and Clovis’s lockers, they are both finishing putting books in their bags and walking to lessons, Daria and Jane are behind the two looking around the place)

JANE: So this is the Fielding Prep School I’ve heard so much about…I was expecting crystal chandeliers and butlers with champagne and brandy on call.

TOM: Well we had to get rid of the butlers when a body was found in their break-room and the detective had a nervous breakdown.

CLOVIS: And we’re not allowed to speak of the chandeliers since the last drama group meeting ended in…well like I said we’re not supposed to speak of it.

(Tom and Clovis both laugh while Daria and Jane give sideways glances at each other)

DARIA: So…this project you have to do, feel like telling us what it is?

CLOVIS: You can’t run forever my friend, but try to let your brain catch up before your mouth switches on…waaaaagh.

(Tom has just tripped Clovis over, as the sound of a thud followed by a faint ‘I'm fine’ a few seconds later Clovis springs up and walks a few steps behind the others)

TOM: Basically we have to work in groups and discuss with friends not from this school the differences in the social class system…

JANE: and given that us two are the only ones who you know outside of this school you got us?

TOM: Yes, given that Clovis believes the social class system works on the 3 P’s I needed more help

DARIA: 3 P’s?

CLOVIS: Yep, the entire world no matter where or who you are can be divided into the 3 P’s you got your Peasants (points to what look like football players) your Professors (nods in the direction of a pair of intelligent looking students) and of course your Posh Git’s (a pair of ultra-snooty students walk past, possibly fashion club material) now with the odd anomaly those 3 archetypes can make up the complete balls-up that we call a social structure, have I left anything out?

TOM: well you missed your usual spiel about why we should have lost the war on independence and the reasons why Hong Kong should never have been given back to the Chinese. Anyways here’s the school library, sorry to make you wait but its not till second period we have the time to do the assignment, I’ll meet you up here…Jane do you want to raid the art supply and maybe do some painting?

JANE: Sounds good to me. But aren’t you gonna be late?

CLOVIS: I’ll show you the way; I’ve been late for first period so many times Mr Shrubber probably doesn’t even notice.

TOM: Clovis you didn’t write your homework in calligraphy again did you?

CLOVIS: (looks embarrassed) yeah I think he’s getting a little tired of that.

DARIA: what?

TOM: I’ll explain later…see you soon.

(Everyone goes his or her separate ways)

(SCENE: the library, Daria is sat with a book in her hands, it is the one from the flashback Clovis enters first and sees the book)

CLOVIS: Tom is just getting Jane and some others he’ll be here soon… Huh you read Saki as well?

DARIA: (looking up) It was a gift from Tom, the guy was a good writer.

CLOVIS: (raising an eyebrow) Tom gave you that book? Bloody hell, he never even let me touch that book when he had it…in fact the only time I touched it was when I threw it at him after…actually I’m not sure if I should be telling you this…

DARIA: You where the one who gave him the ‘tough love’ right?

CLOVIS: (laughs nervously) Yeah you could say that (VO) beat seven kinds of shite out of is what I called it though. Hope he isn’t still mad about his arm.

DARIA: Thanks Clovis, but you didn’t hear me say that.

(Clovis nods when Tom enters with Jane behind him, then a few seconds later three more students enter, the first is a young Japanese guy dressed in a grey shirt and slacks, he would be pretty boring if his hair wasn’t dyed bright green, next is a small quite looking young man with reddish brown hair and very thick glasses[10] in a short sleeved white shirt over a long sleeved black T-shirt and a pair of USB sticks round his neck like dog tags, the final person is obscured by a pile of books on the table)

TOM: Sorry about that, had to round up a few others, Daria this is (points to the Japanese guy) Wasabi, (the glasses guy) ‘JD’, (the books) and Jeff, their working on their various assignment as well and we figured we could compare notes.

WASABI: pleased to meet you, hope you don’t mind some company (he sits down and so does ‘JD’ suddenly Wasabi mutters something) cuso, Jeff could you do me a favour and run back to Mr Van Jovi’s class? I left my notepad and it has notes on my talk with my cousin for this project.

JEFF (OS): Sure (is heard to leave)

JANE: (raising an eyebrow) your name is Wasabi?

WASABI: Wasabi Yojiman Sakaguchi at your service…(somewhat darker expression) and don’t ever mention my name again.

(Tom leans next to Jane and whispers)

TOM: Imagine if your mother had married a Japanese businessman and you have the reason for his name.

(Jane winces at this image as the others all start taking out notepads, and begin to discuss their work,)

DARIA: So…you’re all working on the social class system assignment as well then?

WASABI: Amongst other things yup, I just gave my cousin Tooru in Fukuoka a call and asked what he thought…after he stopped ranting about the recession they either having or had[11] I got some info on his opinions eventually, not sure if its much though.

CLOVIS: I got in touch with a few friends from back home and got them to e-mail me their P.O.V.

JANE: so you got some limeys aid as well then?

CLOVIS: (half to himself) You’d think that wouldn’t you?

(Suddenly a voice over the PA announces something, it is male and has a slight Australian accent to it)

VOICE: Would Mrs Clovis Lee-Daniels please report to the principal’s office immediately?

CLOVIS: oh for crying out loud, what did I do this time? Be back soon (gets up and runs out the library barrelling into Jeff sending a hail of papers flying) Sorry Jeff can’t stop, you ok?

(A thumbs up from the ground is all we see of Jeff in response, there is a stunned silence from Daria and Jane for a while, eventually Tom speaks)

TOM: Twenty bucks says he got into a fight with a football player again.

WASABI: I don’t know, thirty says it was because he wrote his homework in a foreign language again.

JD: Fifty says he’s not in trouble, now can we finish this as soon as possible? I was going to ask Tessa Garland on a date at lunchtime but we’ll probably still be here then and I need a date for tonight to get a clean sweep.

JANE VO: (close up of her face) wow I just saw someone geekier than Upchuck talking about a date and having more… I’m scared of this place, its times like this I wish we were telepathic, right Daria? (Pan quickly to show Daria oblivious) crap.

DARIA: Anyways I agree can we just get this over with? Personally I’m inclined to agree with his 3 P’s theory somewhat, you always will have the 3 different varieties in the structure, those that don’t have much but view what they have as being the best, for example someone with the intellect of a drunken baboon only with marginally better social skills who posses a modicum of talent on the football field, despite how little this will be worth in later life he will view it as the most important thing in the world. Then you have those that see the faults in society and seek to better either society or themselves while often being persecuted for their actions, take for instance someone who is a talented runner but also prefers to paint…

(We dissolve for a while and return to the same scene only obviously some time later, Daria is beginning to wind down on her observations, she appears to have a captive audience in the others)

DARIA: …and so this select group use they’re supposed knowledge and influence to maintain a stranglehold on society by controlling and fashioning the natural state of conformity. Usually these are people who are either high in social status or see themselves as being; of course like everything else there are ‘anomalies’ (glances at Tom and does the Mona Lisa smile) that prove that this system is just like the social system by being not at all perfect but still works…or gives the appearance of working anyways.

(Silence for a while)

WASABI: Wow…I like the way you think Daria

JD: Yeah, it’s like what you said…you know it really makes you think…

(Daria gets a look of Déjà vu as Clovis walks back in)

CLOVIS: Sorry about that Principal Brucie wanted my help in translating the lyrics to a song that someone submitted to be played at the Chinese New Year party he was thinking of holding in February.

(JD punches the air and holds out his hand, shaking his fingers waiting for his money; Tom and Wasabi groan and reach for their wallets while Jane looks confused)

JANE: Wouldn’t he be better of asking a Chinese student if there are any?

CLOVIS: (looking a tiny bit irritated) All the students of Chinese descent here have never even set foot on China, and anyway I am Chinese more or less. I’m from west Hong Kong born and raised, on the playgrounds of Tai Ping Shan[12] spending most of my days. Well up until we gave it back to China, then I moved back to ‘ole blighty’ for a while, course then I went on my pilgrimage, next thing I know I’m here in Lawndale…

(Clovis and his ‘origin story’ is cut short by the bell)

CLOVIS: Oh well, lunchtime, seeing as I left you all to do the work what says I treat you all to lunch, I know a good little place not far from here?

(The guys all nod in agreement, Daria and Jane exchange looks and shrug)

DARIA: sounds good to me.

CLOVIS: great, hope you like Chinese, (turns and heads to the door and pauses) Jeff get off the floor.

JEFF (OS): No I like it here.

CLOVIS: Suit yourself (as he walks he seems to rise one step as there is an oof, clearly he didn’t step over Jeff, the others follow him out leaving just Daria and Jane leaving)

JANE VO: (back to the close up of her face) Well that went pretty well.

DARIA: Your telling me.

(Daria walks out the door right behind Tom as Jane stops and begins to looks confused as we fade out.)[13]

(MUSIC: Chop Suey by System of a Down)

(SCENE: The ‘Millionaire Express’ teahouse, despite the name it is a very modest looking place, small tables with comfy looking chairs dot the room, a small bar is in a corner with menus available, Cantonese music plays in the background.)

CLOVIS: (as they enter) Here we are ladies and gentlemen, we have about an hour so here’s the plan, we get in, we order, we eat and talk, we get out, JD no trying to hit on the waitresses, Wasabi if you insist on lighting up you only have time for one, Tom no sneaking off with your girl, and Jane…please stop staring at me like that.

JANE: (looking like she did back in the car) Sorry. Let me just check, you’re paying for the whole thing right?

DARIA: This gonna be uglier than Quinn being let loose in Cashmans at sales day (looks at the menu and looks surprised) why do you rich kids eat at such a cheap place? Slumming it are we?

TOM: Hey just cause our parents are rich doesn’t mean we are…specially after what happened on P-Day (all the guys look to the ground in shame) anyways we better get a table and order.

(Daria and Jane look at each other confused and shrug as they sit down)

DARIA: P-Day?

JANE: He never mentioned it to me either.

WASABI: (taking what looks like a cigarette out of his pocket) lets just say there is a reason some of us aren’t gonna drink again after that (lights the cigarette and takes a menu) you mind if I smoke? I need these herbals to stop the cravings.

DARIA: (shrugs) Hey it’s a free country, least I keep telling myself that. (Reads the menu) hmm as long as its not lasagne I’ll eat it.

(Everyone makes they’re orders as a waiter comes over)

TOM: So Daria what did you order?

DARIA: Not sure, I think I’m the only one who just chose a number at random…

(Everyone else gives sighs of relief, obviously she wasn’t)

JD: As a means of killing time I hope you don’t mind me asking what Lawndale high is like? I mean I’ve heard rumours but I’m never really sure what to believe or not.

DARIA: (as she speaks she begins to get more and more acidic in tone) Well let me see, where to start, Our teachers despite usually meaning well nearly all seem to suffer from some sort of mental deficiency usually bordering on psychotic homicide…much to our chagrin none of them have actually carried through with these plans despite mine and Jane’s attempts to push them towards it. Our principal is a Security Nazi who values more in the reputation of (mimicking Li’s voice) Laaawndale high (returning to normal) than the well being and education of her school’s students. The majority of the students seem to believe that intellect equals bad while popularity equals good, so far only two…or three students seem able to be trying to balance this. The school seems to place too much emphasis on sporting achievement giving those who perform well with passes and byes, and oh yes, fashion rules the school with an iron yet accessorised grip.

(The men of Fielding prep are all sat there with their mouths agape; eventually they simultaneously break in a standing ovation, Daria and Jane are just awestruck)

TOM: wow and here I thought Fielding was bad…now I realise that Lawndale is almost exactly the same.

DARIA: What? No offence but I’m amazed you rich kids think your place is bad as ours.

WASABI: No offence taken Daria, but you of all people should know not to judge books by their covers, just cause we have rich parents and come from well-off families doesn’t make us our parents.

TOM: That’s true, if we we’re the same then we would never see Jane, I’d never go near anything that didn’t have a price in the 4 digit line at minimum and you would always be obsessed with your work and complain about your upbringing…wait a minute…

(Before Tom’s joke earns him a chopstick in the eye the waiter turns up with 6 bowls on a tray, he is of Asian decent and isn’t wearing anything like a uniform but simply a notepad in a shirt pocket)

CLOVIS: Ah Stephen perfect timing as always, I’m afraid none of us have any clue as to what we ordered so just surprise us would you mate?

(Stephen rolls his eyes and begins to speak, there is a faint campness but also confidence to his voice although barely noticeable and he doesn’t do anything else to make close-minded people think he is gay…the fact that he has a T-shirt with “yes I’m Gay…and?” gives that impression anyways)

STEPHEN: Okie-Dokie, lets me see, Clovis I know you have and will eat anything on this menu so I’ll stick you with the Squid Chow Mein, your cute friend with the green hair looks like he could do with something to clear his mouth of the taste of that smoke so he gets the lemon and sesame chicken, the man in glasses will probably be able to look at this the clearest so he gets the most normal looking dish which is the Crispy Duck Wrap…and oh yes Maggie also asked me to give you her phone number (a girl at the bar who bears a resemblance to Tiffany Blum-Deckler if she was 21 waves at JD as he takes the number[14]) you Madame in the glasses look like you’ll be happy as long as you get to eat so you can have the Special Sweet and Sour, your boyfriend looks kind of bland…sorry honey but it’s the case so I guess it’s fitting for him to have the somewhat bland Pork Chow Mein, and you lady look adventurous so you should enjoy what is left which is a Beef Curry, our own glow-in-the-dark special as well. Enjoy your meals…and I do charge extra for making decisions for customers by the way.

CLOVIS: That’s what we pay you for Chow-man, just put all this on my tab.

(Stephen nods as he walks away; there is a sort of stunned silence for a while until…)

WASABI: (Nervously) He thinks I’m cute?

TOM: (irked) He thinks I’m bland? Daria am I bland? Please tell me if I’m bland…

JD: (cutting Tom off from getting carried away) A free meal and a phone number…this place kicks ass.

JANE: I can’t stand people like that…

DARIA: Excuse me Jane?

JANE: People who can make think on their feet like that, it makes me jealous and I can’t stand it…what did you think I meant?

CLOVIS: (twirling a pair of chopsticks in his fingers) Less tosh more nosh people.

(Cue everyone eating they’re food and unanimously deciding that Stephen is a ‘God Amongst Men’ when it comes to catering and food related intuition)

(SCENE: Close up of Wasbabi’s cig in the ashtray, it fades from full length to a dog end, we pan out to see everyone leaning back in their chairs, their plates empty, their stomachs full, and near-orgasmic looks of satisfaction on their face, Jane eventually says)

JANE: Whoa…just whoa.

CLOVIS: That sums it up I believe, anyways I think we better head back; we have time but better safe than sorry.

TOM: Agreed, Daria, Jane thanks a lot for your help, I think you both gave us enough material to pass this assignment.

DARIA: Not a problem, it was good to see we’re not the only disillusioned teens in this town. Not to mention eat the best meal of my life…Pizza will never be the same again.

JANE: I second that motion, anyhoo I want to get back home and get some painting done, I feel inspired.

DARIA: True, as good as the library of fielding is I don’t think I can stand anymore strangers asking where the books on famous high-school footballers who have gone pro are only to send them to the mythology section without them getting it.

TOM: Ok, want me to walk you both to your homes?

DARIA: Thanks but don’t let us jeopardise this assignment, as ironically as it would be for the two people to help you pass would make you fail I don’t think I can handle any more surprises today.

(Everyone heads out while Stephen and Maggie come to clear up afterwards, as JD leaves Jane slips a piece of napkin with her phone number into his pocket…what is his secret?)

(SCENE: Jane’s house, the doorway a few hours later, it seems Daria has stayed over for a while and is leaving now)

JANE: Thanks for holding that bowl while I painted, I would have asked Trent but I think he would have either eaten the contents, fallen asleep, or both. You sure you wanna go now? It looks like it could rain.

DARIA: I’ll be fine, a little rain never hurt anyone…unless it’s acidic, and anyway if Quinn and her fellow zombies get caught in the rain I want my camera at the ready to get some good blackmail material.

JANE: Can’t argue with that, so what have we learned today Mi Amiga?

DARIA: For starters that we’ve learned that being rich doesn’t naturally make you a jerk, school sucks no matter how fancy it is, and that we have got to go to that restaurant again some time.

JANE: Amen to that. See you next time Daria.

(Daria walks off as Jane shuts the door after seeing her off and we fade out)

(SCENE: a random street, as Daria walks along she looks up as it begins to rain)

DARIA: A rain to wash the world clean, clean of its imperfections and misconceptions, kind of fitting in a way. (The rain is gradually turning into a deluge) dammit.

(Daria resumes walking looking at the ground dejectedly, after a while she looks up and we cut to see Tom standing in the rain with a closed umbrella in his hand, despite holding an umbrella he is soaked from the downpour as well as Daria, as he sees her he opens the umbrella and walks over holding it over her)

DARIA: How did you know where to find me?

TOM: I called at your home and they said you weren’t in so I called Jane and she said I had just missed you, I noticed it looked like rain so figured you may need this (nods the brolly) I turned the corner and there you where.

DARIA: (usually deadpan) And you didn’t think to bring the car?

TOM: (shrugs) once I had the umbrella out the trunk it started to rain so I just ran without thinking, it was the least I could do…and besides what makes you think my car would work in this weather?

DARIA: (gives her usual Mona Lisa smile) Thanks Tom.

(Tom just smiles as he puts an arm around Daria and the two begin walk off-screen, as the screen fades to black we hear)

TOM: Your parents are probably going to kill me if I’ve let you catch cold.

DARIA: Hey if I’m going down with a cold I’m taking you with me.

END.

(Roll credits as ‘Money Can’t Buy Me Love’ by The Beatles plays, the alter egos are replaced with the following outtakes)

(Tom putting his head in his locker and screaming at the top of his voice…then breaking into hysterical laughter and he removes his face)

TOM: I’m sorry but you try and keep a straight face with this.

(Zoom in to show the locker back has been removed to show Daria and Jane making stupid faces behind the set)

DJW OS: CUT.

(Jane Ad-libbing random gibberish for the spinning coffin story, after every beep we move to a new take)

JANE: and honestly who really pays that much attention to marmots anyways?

(Daria is heard laughing off camera followed by a yell of CUT)

(BEEP)

JANE: and it’s not my fault the writers dad got bit by a meerkat in the middle of Budapest is it?[15]

DJW OS: CUT, Jane who told you that?

(BEEP)

JANE: and so what if I couldn’t walk for three weeks that was the best OZZY Osbourne concert ever.

CLOVIS OS: (imitating Jay of ‘Jay and Silent Bob’) Word Bitch OZZY like a Mo Fo

DJW OS: CUT…even if he is 100% right.

(BEEP)

JANE: …and anyway the hamsters where all purchased legally just like the watermelon as I explained to the officer…

DJW OS: And CUT, that’s it Jane we got ourselves a winner.

(There is applause from the cast and crew as Jane looks at the camera and says)

JANE: 5 hours of this but it was worth it.

(Tom doing the spinning jump kick to Clovis, as he flies off screen there is a crash sound effect and a hubcap rolls past Tom who can’t stop laughing)

DJW OS: CUT, sorry Tom but we couldn’t resist.

(Tom and Daria in the car park going in for their big kiss)

JD OS: (sounding like an English football[16] hooligan) Go on son, get stuck in there.

(Daria and Tom go into hysterics as DJW yells from the other side of the screen)

DJW OS: CUT…who let him on set today? Give me that gun…

(DJW runs across the screen with a shotgun in his hands, then JD runs back with DJW on his tail)

DARIA: Maybe now we should stop the camera?

TOM: I don’t know I want to see how this pans out.

(The restaurant, Stephen going into his big meal speech)

STEPHEN: Okie-Dokie, lets me see, Clovis I know you have and will eat anything on this menu so I’ll stick you with the Squid Chow Mein, your cute friend with the green hair looks like he could do with something to clear his mouth of the taste of that smoke…but if forgot my lines so he can have me instead, TAKE ME I’M YOURS (throws himself into Wasabi’s arms who gets up and carries him off-screen to the hilarity of everyone watching)

DJW OS: (also laughing his head off) CUT…ok you two lovebirds get back here.

(Daria and Tom in the rain, as Tom walks over he can’t get the umbrella to open, he eventually throws it away and waves his hands)

TOM: Who needs an umbrella when I can stop the rain with but a thought.

(The rain indeed stops as everyone proceeds to fall about laughing again)

DJW OS: CUT…ok no more coffee before takes from now on.

(Clovis and Tom sparring, it is the scene where Clovis gets kicked in the Crotch, each beep represents a clean take)

CLOVIS: … which is the one you left her for? (A foot in the crotch and a palm to the face are his answer knocking him down)

DJW OS: sorry people the camera wasn’t rolling we need to do that again

(BEEP)

CLOVIS: …one you left her for? (Gets kicked again and falls over to soon)

DJW OS: CUT, and again.

(BEEP)

CLOVIS: …her for (gets kicked and hit again but staggers back too much and falls out a window) you Wankaaaaaaagh (THUD)

DJW OS: CUT…hmm maybe we shouldn’t have filmed this on the 3^rd floor?

(BEEP)

CLOVIS: (looking very pissed off) …for (kicked and hit yet again and hits the ground)

TOM: Sorry I think I messed that up can we do another take?

CLOVIS: IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, THIS IS THE 20^TH TAKE, CAN I AT LEAST GET A CUP HERE?

DJW OS: CUT…all right we’ll do one more take and that’s it, after that we have an icepack with your name on it. (VO) I love my job.

(The credits finish rolling and we come to an end of the Fanfic)

AUTHORS NOTES:

Well I finally got off my ass and wrote that Fanfic I had been meaning to write for who knows how long, I hope you had as good a time reading this as I had writing it.

The title name should I guess be obvious as a pun on the Bruce Lee movie Way of the Dragon, however it can also refer to the cynical nature of the Saki book that Tom read.

In regards to the Tom issue I decided to add that speech of his in after reading some of the various opinions on him on the PPMB and saw some of the flaws in the character, given that I came into the Daria fandom somewhat late in the game (had seen quite a few of the episodes from the first few seasons and then later saw most of IICY I remembered how much I loved the show and promptly bought all the episodes on CD-ROM from eBay. Tom is one of my favourite characters and also the opportunity for me to add my own twist on things in the Daria universe, given that Fielding was never shown in the series along with any of his friends (apart from a mention of them bowling in one episode) so it gave me a perfect chance to introduce new people, the kung-fu was added as I love Hong Kong martial arts movies and my original plan for a Fanfic was to feature a LOT of references and stuff until I realised some of the stuff would not be easy to recognise for people who did not know the original materials (but hey it worked for Xena from what I heard[17]) so I decided to tone it down…and also scrapped my plan for a finale involving an army of clone zombies swarming the school by deciding to try and be more realistic but with certain points which stretch reality a little.

I admit I may have added a lot of new characters but that’s mainly as I sometimes had trouble writing dialogue for the existing characters so my trial run I wanted to include new characters to practice with, although these guys will all be turning up quite often as their worlds collide with that of the other Lawndale residents. But don’t worry they wont be taking over from the main cast. Although Clovis may get a few chances to steal the spotlight now and then, but hey he’s my favourite of the bunch, I made him with the purpose of making a Jane to Tom’s Daria, a yin to his yang, a Watson to his Holmes etc. Instead I got a mix of various aspects of the things I love and a little of what I wish I was, he isn’t a Mary Sue as he looks nothing like me except for the clothes (minus the kung-fu jacket) which I was wearing at the time I started writing this.

Anyways thanks for reading through this drivel and if you wish to send me feedback/criticism/anything else (no ‘maters please those are a nuisance to receive digitally) please send them to me at mechahead<death to spam>@<ditto>hotmail.com delete the stuff in <> and Robert is very much your mothers brother.

Any one wishing to do fan art of this story feel free, I would very much appreciate it, as quite frankly my own drawing skills are not so hot.

Best wishes to you all, DJW.