The Dammitall Run!
DISCLAIMER: Daria and the cast are copyright of Viacom and MTV, any real life people are copyright themselves, any other fictional characters are copyright their respective owners, and everything else isÉah you get the picture.
ÉÉÉ
Summary: Noah Barkman in association with Morgendorffer consulting has organised a race, but not just any race, itÕs an anything goes, illegal, madcap race from Lawndale all the way to Seattle, now over a dozen vehicles manned by several of your favourite Lawndale lunatics (and a few others) are going to show just how much fun you can have breaking the speed limit (and numerous other laws in the process) and causing collateral damage. There are thrills, spills, celebrity cameos and roadside chaos as they take part in É THE DAMMITALL RUN!
WARNING: DonÕt try this any of this at homeÉitÕs way more fun out on the freeway.
WARNING +1 there is a smidgen of strong language here and there in this fic, nothing major but this is just so I canÕt say I didnÕt warn you.
WARNING +2 Just so you also know, I may start playing fast and loose with continuity (which in laymanÕs terms means my research could have been better and I canÕt be arsed to make sure I got it all right) also lack of knowledge of my previous stuff may lead to some confusionÉactually full knowledge of my work will still lead to confusion so all it will mean is you may not recognise a character or two so what the hell. Lets get this show on the road (you can groan at that pun if you want) before I put another warning in and keep us here all night.
ÉÉÉ
Contents:
Chapter
0 – The Introduction/Prologue/bit where I stall for time by introducing
everyone.
One day in Lawndale, a man named Noah Barkman got bored. This would not have been a problem where it not for one small problem, Barkman was also a Rich man, and when rich people get boredÉwell things happen.
In this case the Ôrecently 24 with more money than he knows what to do withÕ head of Buzzdome enterprises; one of the Dot.Com industries to avoid going out of business because NO ONE has any clue what it does (and that included Noah); decided what he was going to do.
He would hold a race.
But not just any race.
As he sat in his luxury penthouse apartment at the ÔLe Grande HotelÕ (when your as rich as he was you could afford to live in hotels all your life) with the TV on in the background he contemplated his idea, where to race to? California had been done before and since it was likely the race wouldnÕt be strictly legal (in fact he was hoping to make sure of thisÉmade it more interesting) he would want somewhere that the highway patrol wouldnÕt be 100% prepared for.
But where?
As he leaned back in his chair and sighed in frustration at the thought of his great plan failing before it even made it to the first hurdle he heard a voice singingÉ
ÒBut I donÕt know what to do
with those tossed salads and scrambled eggsÉÓ
Looking at the TV he saw a location, in the form of a skyline with a prominent needle-like building he had his answer,
Seattle.
He reached for his phone and dialled the number of who would no doubt be the only consultant crazy enough to take on the job.
ÒHello is that Jake Morgendorffer? ItÕs Noah Barkman, have I got a proposal for youÉÓ
ÒÉTheyÕre calling again.Ó
ÉÉÉ
Within a matter of days the word had spread.
ÒDude have you head? ThereÕs going to be a raceÉ
ÒÉFrom
Lawndale to Seattle, with a cash prize Mack DaddyÉÓ
ÒÉDonÕt
call me that, a prize of 1 million dollars I heardÉÓ
And day-by-day the word continued to spread amongst Lawndale and the odd fragment got even further, Jake Morgendorffer had managed to take advantage of the impressive word of mouth publicity to avoid having to make any high-profile announcements of the event. This was because the raceÕs legality had lived up to Noah BarkmanÕs expectation, so he and Jake had begun working together organising and planning the race in a way that attracted as little attention as possible from the government and other such inconveniences.
JakeÕs wife Helen Morgendorffer; who would normally have filleted Jake with a spatula for taking part in such a stupid plan; had been won over by Noah hiring her as the legal representative by with agreeing to ÔsponsorÕ her to gain that ever so elusive ÔPartnershipÕ she had been after with the prestigious law firm of Vitale, Davis, Horowitz, Riordan, Schrecter & Schrecter (Noah had correctly assumed that one of the reasons they never gave her partnership was because they where afraid of the company sign reaching lethal proportions).
This of course meant he could keep her out of the way under a mountain of paperwork all the time while he and Jake continued to organise the race (the promise of an Ôobscene amount of cashÕ was what made Jake overlook the illegality of the race). While at the same time people all over Lawndale began to make their own preparations.
In the only press release for the race Noah Barkman and Jake Morgendorffer appeared on the local news where Jake Morgendorffer stood up and proudly announced to the viewing public:
ÒLadies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Children of all agesÉalways wanted to say that. My associate Noah Barkman and myself will soon be running a no-holds barred, anything goes, cross country race from the ÔLe Grande HotelÕ in Lawndale to the ÔParamount HotelÕ in Seattle the race is open to anyone, whoever is first to cross the finish line will net the grand prize ofÉÓ here Jake paused for both dramatic effect and also because he hadnÕt breathed for a bit ÒONE MILLION DOLLARS!Ó he let that announcement sink in while resisting the mysterious urge to break into a bout of maniacal laughter.
ÒThatÕs right folks,Ó Noah Barkman took over ÒOne million dollars of my own money, I will also be paying for any and all fuel, food, drink and accommodation expenses for all participants for the first 24 hours of the race. Also I will be providing accommodation at both hotels before and after the race for you all, that way all you need to worry about is the driveÉafter all thatÕs what counts here.Ó
ÒSo come one come allÓ Jake stepped up again Òto the ÔLe Grande HotelÕ to take part in one of the greatest races of the modern age, brought to you by Noah Barkman of Buzzdome Enterprises and Jake Morgendorffer of Morgendorffer ConsultingÓ he let the shameless plug sink in before continuing, he had chosen a name for the race that would knock Ôem all dead and he approached the camera as he continued Òwe proudly present the DAMMITALL RunÉÓ
In an odd twist of fate for Jake Morgendorffer, stubbing his toe on the news desk was possibly the best thing that could have happened to him that night.
ÉÉÉ
Eventually the day of reckoning approached, and the ÔLe Grande HotelÕ prepared to make its mark on destiny.
Noah Barkman looked down at the hotel parking lot from his penthouse room; soon the entrants would be arriving to register and enjoy the complimentary catering on this eve of the Dammitall Run, Jake was a genius for coming up with that new name like that, much better than the piece of crap he was originally going to call it.
ÒJake my friend I think weÕve done itÓ he said as he turned to his compatriot, there was something about seeing a man more than twice his age looking giddy and grinning like a school-kid with a new toy that gave him a sense of fulfilment, even if he lost all his fortune and wound up doing hard time he could at least take pleasure in knowing he had given another guy meaning in his life.
ÒOh yeah Noah my manÓ Jake replied, there was something about seeing a man more than half his age looking giddy and grinning like a school-kid with a new toy that gave him a sense of fulfilment, even if he lost his business and wound up working at a box factory for the rest of his life he could at least take pleasure in knowing he had given another guy meaning in his life.
The two turned from the window and each took MartiniÕs from a passing waiter, as they drank they looked at the assorted guests they had up in the penthouse. Noah in another attempt to make things interesting had invited a whole slew of friends and acquaintances (Jake was amazed at the amount of celebrities the guy knew) to observe the race and maybe even make a friendly wager amongst each other over who would win.
Noah looked up as a man with a very prominent Black moustache and a Chinese guy with a slightly above average nose approached.
ÒSo Burt, Jackie, either of you two planning on laying some money down on any of our entrants tomorrow?Ó
ÉÉÉ
While Jake Morgendorffer was up in the clouds mingling, his daughter Daria Morgendorffer was; naturally; more down to earth, this was because her and her friend/sidekick/confidant/alleged lesbian lover (but never more than once, Upchuck learned fast) Jane Lane where both sat at a table in the parking lot since her father had offered her 50 bucks to deal with the entrantsÉshe hadnÕt the heart to tell him Noah had already offered her 200 bucks to do the same.
ÒSo Amiga, think anyone we know is going to enter this thing?Ó
ÒIÕd like to say no but lets face it, the prospect of 1 million clams is going to be too much for most of the collective cretinous mass of LawndaleÉand donÕt get me started on the faculty, you think Mr DeMartino is going to pass this up?Ó
Jane didnÕt reply at first, instead she simply stared at the horizon at an approaching cloud of dust, eventually a shape began to emerge that resembled a cross between a truck and boat painted in camo-colours.
ÒÉSpeak of the devil.Ó Was all Jane could say as they saw the driver of the bizarre vehicle Daria recognised as being a restored WWII D.U.K.W (also known as a ÔDuckÕ) stopped the vehicle and stepped out.
ÒGREETINGS Ms Morgendorffer and Ms LANE.Ó The camouflage clad history teacher of Lawndale High spoke, Òas you have no doubt GUESSED I am here to PARTICIPATE in this VENTURE. IÕm racer number 4 apparently.Ó
ÒAhÉÓ Daria replied as she quickly flipped through the collection of papers her father had given her trying to find the errant number Òthat would beÉÕCrazy AnthonyÕ I assume?Ó Noah had insisted everyone gave a Ôcode nameÕ of sorts to Ômake things interestingÕ.
ÒVery GOOD Daria,Ó he replied as he took the form she held out, ÒNow, WHERE is this COMPLIMENTARY CATERING I have been INFORMED of?Ó
Racer Number 4 –
ÔCrazy AnthonyÕ – WWII D.U.K.W.
ÉÉÉ
An ice cream truck pulled into the car park of the ÔLe GrandeÕ and stopped, inside it Michael Jordan Mackenzie sighed as he put the handbrake on. He asked himself how in the hell he had been talked into this by the grinning goofball next to him.
ÒKevin, run this by me one more timeÓ he asked Òso I can try and prove its not some terrible hallucinationÓ he thought to himself.
ÒItÕs simple Mack DaddyÉÓ
ÒDonÕt call me that, IÕve told you beforeÓ
ÒSaw-ree, anyway, we enter the race, win it, and get a cool half a million eachÉthatÕs like fifty thousand each.Ó
ÒFive hundred thousand actually but closeÓ Mack replied with a trace of sarcasm in his voice ÒYou see Kevin, I can understand the entering part, sure I could use the moneyÓ he then thought; Òespecially after I bought that motorcycle, what was I thinking?Ó Then returning to speaking ÒBut Kevin why are we in an ice cream truck? You have a perfectly good Jeep and I swore I never wanted to be in one of these again. So again, WHY?Ó
ÒDuh, thatÕs easy Bro, any cop stops us and we tell them that thereÕs a sick little boy in Seattle with not long to go, and his last wish is to have a bowl of ÔTutti Frutti triple chocolate chip eggnogÔ ice creamÉand we have the last tub left in the USA so we need to get it to Seattle before it melts. Awesome plan huh?Ó
ÒKevin by your standards itÕs a stroke of geniusÓ then the voice in the back of his head added Òby everyone elseÕs standards its as likely as me becoming leader of the KKKÓ
Mack then took a deep breath and then prepared to ask the question he had been dreading before he went to collect the forms.
ÒKevinÉwhy do we also have this Orang-Utan with us?Ó
Racer Number 8 – ÔBro
and QBÕ – Ice Cream Truck
ÉÉÉ
In another part of Lawndale, a garage door opened to silhouette a figure that after he had opened the door stepped into the garage rubbing his hands in glee
ÒOh itÕs been too bloody long since I last got to let you out babyÓ
With that he dusted the cobwebs off his black leather baseball cap and removed a set of car keys from his pocketÉ
ÒShowtime!Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒUh-oh Cops!Ó Daria stated as a Mustang bearing the markings of a cop car entered the car park, however the two officers who got out looked a little odd, they where pretty young looking and their uniforms didnÕt seem to fit.
A second glance at the car made Daria even more curious, it had no discernable markings identifying which city or even state it was from. However when the two quote-unquote cops approached the table it all fell into place.
ÒJennifer?Ó Jane said in surprise before looking at the other cop ÒÉÕShaggyÕ?Ó
The girl name Jennifer who was more well known as Ôthe Burnout GirlÕ put a hand over her face to hide the laughter as the young man who indeed bore a passing resemblance to the Scooby Doo character rolled his eyes.
ÒMy name is Casey, is it that hard to remember that you can remember the name of some 70Õs cartoon beatnik easier?Ó
ÒHeh, sorryÓ Jane snickered before continuing ÒSo what number you two ÔOfficersÕ got?Ó
Ò10Ó Jennifer replied before glancing over her left shoulder, then sheepishly did so again with her right so she could actually see (one of the flaws of having hair down one side of the face) ÒsoÉyou two like our disguise? Anyone stops us we simply say weÕre in pursuit of a bunch of speeders.Ó
Jane looked at Daria who shrugged ÒBetter than KevinÕs ideaÓ she then held out a form Òracer 10, enjoy your stayÉOfficer.Ó
Racer Number 10 –
ÔShaggy and BurnoutÕ – ÔPoliceÕ Mustang
ÉÉÉ
ÒUpchuck how the hell did you convince Ted to help you?Ó Daria asked with a hint of surprise.
ÒAh my sweet Daria, the Ruttenheimer charm although most potent against the fairer sex does still extend to all humans so when it came to telling my companion here of the bevy of beauties we are sure to ah-ha Ôbecome acquainted withÕ on this trip he leaped at the chance. Number 12 if you please.Ó
ÒYAY WeÕre going to go on a road trip!Ó Ted Dewitt-Clinton shouted in innocent excitement from the passenger seat of Upchucks ÔLove MachineÕ
Daria looked at the red-headed Ruttenheimer creature in front of her before grabbing his shirt collar and dragging him to face level ÒÉHe has no idea this is illegal does he?Ó she whispered in a way that was practically a hiss.
ÒNone whatsoever, but heÕs the best map reader in the school.Ó
ÒUpchuck I swear if you get that poor kid into troubleÉÓ
ÒRRR Feisty, why Ms Morgendorffer I never knew you caredÉÓ
Daria let go of Upchuck and glowered at him, ÒYouÕre going to go to hell for this I swear Upchuck.Ó
ÒDonÕt get him excited, the place is full of loose women.Ó Jane commented before holding out a form and giving a sickly sweet grin ÒRacer number 12, have a nice day, do try not to choke on your breakfast you piece of stale vomit.Ó
Racer Number 12 –
ÔThe Love MachineÕ - 1966 Buick Convertible;
Wildcat
ÉÉÉ
Elsewhere a pair of black Ford LTDÕs where on the route to the ÔLe Grande HotelÕ however they where not planning on joining the race, their intentions were quite the opposite, for behind the wheel was former ATF AgentÕs Flemming and Bork.
Agent Flemming gripped the wheel tight and glared at the road, this was his big chance to get back in the good books and get his position in the ATF back, ever since that ÔHighland incidentÕ where he and his men had used Ôexcessive forceÕ on some god dammed hippy school-teacher he had been demoted down to the Government Traffic AllianceÉwhich was just a fancy name (and a strangely amusing one to those damn delinquent teenagers) for being put on Ôtraffic patrol.Õ
However with this ÔraceÕ that some jumped up Junior Millionaire had set up would be his shot at redemption, he was going to put a stop to this race, or at least catch a few of the Godless Un-American Degenerates who where taking part.
A small evil grin spread across his face as he thought of all those cavity searches Agent Hurley would be doing, he hoped she had a spare pair of glovesÉ
ÒUh ChiefÉÓ Agent Bork said nervously as he glance at the rear view mirror ÒThere seems to be a car coming up behind us, I think he wants to pass usÉmaybe we should let himÉI donÕt think he wants to slow down.Ó
ÒNonsense Bork, when he sees we wonÕt yield then heÕll slow downÓ Flemming looked in the rear-view ÒÉor he may decide to speed upÓ Flemming would forever deny that as they swerved off the road; to avoid what could only be described as a small red blur shot past; causing them to knock into the other LTD; and wind up in a ditch at the roadside; at no point did he Ôscream like a little babyÕ as Bork would later claim. However when the car did come to a stop upside down he did say somethingÉ
ÒWell IÕll be a monkeyÕs
bare-assed uncle!Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒSWEET JESUS CLOVIS!Ó Wasabi Yojiman Sakaguchi yelled as he looked out the window, how the hell had he been talked into this? He was supposed to be the Ôsane oneÕ
ÒBro donÕt you know that car looked like the sort used by G-Men?Ó the girl with an English accent sat in the back of the car asked the driver ÒYou could have just run a bunch of government agents off the road!Ó
Clovis R. Lee-Daniels just tilted his head to the side and grinned at his green haired friend and younger sister,
ÒHeh, I know.Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒHey Amiga, check out the fancy sports carÉa Triumph Spitfire I think, looks like someone gonna do this race in style.Ó
Daria remained uncharacteristically silent, that car was worryingly familiar, and the driver even more so she thought as she got out and approached.
ÒHey favourite nieceÓ Amy Barksdale said as she approached the table Òfancy meeting you here.Ó
ÒAunt Amy?Ó Daria was still slightly stunned ÒWhat are you doing entering this?Ó
ÒSeemed like a good idea at the time, frankly IÕm surprised your not taking part, madcap racingÕs a great way to bond. Number 11 please.Ó
ÒUh yeah, here you goÓ Daria handed over the form, she was still having trouble believing this, Jane was silent, enjoying seeing Daria in such a state.
ÒThank youÓ Amy replied as she took the form Òsure you donÕt want to join? YouÕll feel left outÓ and with that she headed towards the hotel ÒNow I think IÕll enjoy the pool providing no ones driven their car into it yet.Ó
ÒÉJane what do you think she meant by being left out?Ó
Racer Number 11 –
ÔSingle Bored FemaleÕ – Triumph Spitfire Convertible
ÉÉÉ
The next to arrive for the race was a Lawndale High school bus which to DariaÕs complete lack of surprise had the principal of the school at the wheel.
ÒDoing a little extra-curricular activity eh Ms Li?Õ Jane smirked as the Principal along with Mrs Bennet and Mrs Morris approached.
ÒOf course Ms Lane, with the money from this we could afford that ÔAnti Satellite CannonÕ I always wanted for the roof. Number 5 if you would be so kind.Ó
ÒUh-Huh,Ó Jane handed over the form ÒYou may want to get to the buffet now while you still can before Mr DeMartino finishes clearing it out.Ó
Racer Number 5 – ÔThe Laaawndale ExpressÕ – School Bus
ÉÉÉ
ÒOh I canÕt believe my eyes.Ó Jane said as she stared at the classic car with the old fashioned dressed man getting out.
ÒJane.Ó
ÒNathan.Ó
ÒSo are you hoping to buy a time machine with your winnings or something?Ó Daria asked with mock sincerity.
ÒWho told you that?Ó The retro-crazed boyfriend of Jane Lane asked shocked before realising she was being sarcastic Òoh Ha-Ha, number 14 and make it snappy woman.Ó
Daria threw the form at the man and with her voice dripping with sarcasm ÒDo try and make it past the starting line wont you?Ó
Racer Number 14 – ÔRetro ManÕ – 1957 Ford Skyliner
ÉÉÉ
ÒGOD DAMNED SPEED FREAKS!Ó Agent Flemming yelled as he hit the steering wheel of the remaining (yet slightly dinged) LTD, the other one had been busted beyond repairs and Smith had to be hospitalised after spilling his coffee on his lap, poor bastard, no one deserved to get 2nd degree burns THERE.
ÒWell on the plus side chief thereÕs still your back up plan, didnÕt you say you had 2 guys on the inside?Ó
ÒAh yes, I called in a pair of honorary ATF members who where willing to do so, I called in some favours to see that they got all they needed and entered them in.Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒWhat the hell? Jane sat at the table flabbergasted as a large eighteen-wheeler trundled into the parking lot.
ÒOh NoÉÓ Daria uttered as she saw the badly scrawled graffiti proudly naming the vehicle as ÔDeth TrukÕ and had a number 7 scrawled on as well. ÒNot them, anyone but themÓ her voice quivered as the truck cabÕs doors opened and a pair of young adolescent males climbed downÉthat or a pair of shaved monkeys.
ÒUh huh huh huh, this is gonna be cool, Hey DiaÉI mean Daria.Ó
ÒJane when this is all over, remind me to poison DadÕs martini.Ó
Racer Number 7 – ÔB&BÕ – Eighteen Wheeler.
ÉÉÉ
After the two idiots had left with the threat of violence from Daria (her boots and a pair of grapes from the buffet helped to illustrate the point.) They where able to deal with the next entrant, and it was a good thing they had gotten rid of Beavis and Butt-Head
Jodie Landon and Brittney Taylor where stood patiently at the table, both wearing a pair of zip-up bodysuits that made them look like something off of a 70Õs adventure series.
ÒWhat are you doing here Jodie? Your parents think this would be good for the college applications or something?Ó
ÒBelieve it or not yes DariaÕ Jodie replied with a sigh Òand my empty-headed friend hereÓ she said as she motioned to the; distracted by something shiny; Brittney Òis coming along so she can prove a point to Kevin or something.Ó
ÒWhy am I not surprised, so your dad let you borrow his car for this?Ó
ÒNope.Ó
ÒEven better.Ó
Racer Number 13 – ÔGirls on The EdgeÕ – Jaguar XJ Sedan
ÉÉÉ
ÒWow they actually made it.Ó Jane said in surprise at the sight of the beat up black van that gradually made its way into the parking lot.
ÒJaneÉplease tell me thatÕs not ÔThe TankÕ I see before me.Ó
ÒIndeed it is, they figured theyÕve toured enough to be able to endure a raceÉI guess Nick was putting our calendar forward every few days for a reason after all.Ó
ÒThink we should point out that they seem to have gotten into ÔThe TankÕ as opposed to say, an actual vehicle?Ó
ÒAnd spoil the fun?Ó
ÒI guessÉguess I can be glad my sibling wont try entering this idiocy.Ó
They watched the band start bickering about where to park while Jesse came over to no doubt collect the form.
ÒHey, weÕre racer numberÉÓ Jesse paused for a while, lost deep in thought Òwhat comes after 1 again?Ó
Racer Number 2 – ÔÉBut weÕre Thinking of Changing Our NameÕ – Chevrolet van
ÉÉÉ
ÒJanet is this really wise?Ó
ÒCan it Skinny,Ó Janet Barch, nemesis of all male students of Lawndale snapped ÒWith this money we can afford a proper wedding and honeymoon.Ó
Timothy OÕNeill found himself unable to recall ever actually proposing to Janet but decided not to question her; he liked his ability to eat solid foods, something he was putting to good use in the hotel restaurant, after seeing what seemed like over half the faculty (and several students he also noted) stuffing their faces he decided to follow suite.
ÒAll the same Janet, is your choice of vehicle wise?Ó He asked between mouthfuls of tofu ÒI meanÉa monster truck is going to stand out a little after all.Ó
Racer Number 6 – ÔMan CrusherÕ – Monster Truck
ÉÉÉ
ÒÉWhat was that you where saying again Daria, something about your sibling not entering this race?Ó Jane asked her friend while trying to hold back her laughter at the sight that approached.
ÒI was hoping the idea of not being able to carry all their clothes with them would discourage them,Ó Daria said as she put her hand over her face, ÒI suppose I underestimated the effect 1 Million dollars can have on a persons ability to secure suitcases to a car.Ó
The cause of these bizarre utterances from Daria and Jane was the sight of the Fashion Club arriving in Linda GriffinÕs (no doubt borrowed without her consent) Mitsubishi that had the entire back seat piled high with suitcases and clothing bagsÉin fact poor Tiffany Blum-Deckler had no choice but to sit on top of the pile of bags.
ÒWhy do I suddenly have the Beverly Hillbillies on my mind?Ó
ÒFrankly Jane IÕm more worried about whatÕs gonna happen if they put the top up on that thing, Ugh Mom is gonna kill her if she finds outÉgood thing sheÕs been in her office for the past 6 days running.Ó
Racer Number 9 – ÔThe Fashion MobileÕ – Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder
ÉÉÉ
Amy Barksdale had finished checking into her room and had gotten changed for a relaxing swim before getting some dinner.
However her plans where interrupted by a hearse of all things flying through the terrace and making a pretty impressive jump which ended in a crash landing into the pool.
Two gothic looking teenage girls, one with black hair and one with red hair surfaced and leaned on the side of the pool looking at each other.
ÒYou know Scarlet I donÕt think weÕll be able to compete.Ó
ÒSomehow Andrea I think your right, guess we shouldnÕt have chosen now to test those nitrous boostersÉmaybe we should fish that out?Ó
ÒYeah I guess your rightÉlets go get a beer first.Ó
Amy watched the two soaked Goths climb out the pool and nonchalantly walk to the bar, she then looked at the pool that was now occupied by a (hopefully unoccupied) hearse.
ÒFigures.Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒYou know I guess it was obvious that if the Fashion Club where involved then their cronies would soon be along as well.Ó Daria observed as she watched the Three JÕs arguing at their car, ÒBut I must say IÕm curious as to why your involved Robert, care to enlighten me?Ó
ÒYes MaÕam, IÕm in it for the money, plain and simple.Ó
ÒGood man, Racer 12, if you can shut those three up then have a nice day.Ó
Racer Number 12 – ÔThe Yes MaÕamÕsÕ – 1994-1998 Ford Mustang Convertible
ÉÉÉ
Leaning back at the table Daria sighed, she had been sat out collecting entrants for what felt like all day, Jane had gone to fetch a pair of sodas since sitting on your ass making sarcastic comments to people all day is thirsty work.
She looked at the remaining forms, they where down to 3 more to go, although it seems number 16 had dropped out after crashing into the pool, maybe they could find a replacement or maybe theyÕd just have to be last place by default, who knows.
As she heard the sound of another car arriving she looked up at the sky and let out a long sigh, her father was co-organiser of an illegal cross country race, her sister was entering, so was her best friends brother, her mother was working away in the office for the legal aspect of the race, what next?
ÒDaria? What are you doing here?Ó
Daria jerked so suddenly that she nearly fell out of her chair at the familiar voice, she found herself looking at a young man she was very familiar with.
ÒTom? What are YOU doing here?Ó
ÒIsnÕt it obvious?Ó He asked as he pointed to the rusted Jaguar he had parked nearby, ÒIÕm entering the race.Ó
ÒWhat? Why?Ó
ÒWell I hate to sound the stereotypical bored rich guy but it seemed like fun and I could use some excitement, in fact I think I was one of the first people to sign up, thatÕs why IÕm Racer number 1ÉhereÕs hoping that holds true at the finish line eh?Ó
Daria remained silent for a while until she finally spoke up ÒTom why the hell are you wearing a tuxedo?Ó
He laughed lightly as he looked at himself, indeed he was wearing a tuxedo, ÒI thought if I was going to infuriate my parents I may as well do it in style, donÕt suppose I could convince you to join me on this little jaunt?Ó
Racer Number 1 – ÔA Guy Called SloaneÕ – 1968 Jaguar 420G
ÉÉÉ
Jane returned to the table with two cans of soda and stood in surprise to see Tom Sloane in a tuxedo of all things stood at the table.
ÒÉdonÕt suppose I could convince you to join me on this little jaunt?Ó
ÒDaria! YouÕre entering without telling me? How could you?Ó She said in a mock over-the-top manner.
ÒVery funny you two, Tom no offence but IÕd need a VERY good reason to be talked into doing something as outrageously stupid as this.Ó
ÒOh come on.Ó Tom replied grinning ÒYou make it sound like only a bunch of lunatics would be entering this raceÉÓ
He found himself cut off by the sudden emergence of a bright red original mini cooper; with a union jack painted on the roof; which burst into the car park and begin to spin wildly before tipping onto its side and flipping over TomÕs car and landing perfectly in the space between that and RobertÕs Mustang without a mark of damage.
The driverÕs door opened and a man dressed all in black with a long braid and black leather baseball cap emerged grinning like a complete lunatic.
ÒLiiiiiiiiike a Glove!Ó Clovis yelled ecstatically Òsee Waz, told you my driving skills hadnÕt gotten rusty.Ó
Wasabi emerged from the car looking as green as his hair, he looked about ready to respond before jerking suddenly and running into the hotel with his hand over his mouth.
ÒBloody amateur.Ó Clovis rolled his eyes as a girl looking very similar to Clovis got out the back, ÒCome on Carlotta, better get registered.Ó
Daria, Jane and Tom had watched the scene with their mouths hanging open, eventually Daria turned to look at Tom who grinned nervously.
ÒLike I said, a VERY GOOD REASON.Ó
Racer Number 3 – ÔThe J-MenÕ – Original Mini Cooper.
ÉÉÉ
Jane handed the forms out to Clovis and Tom who took them and then proceeded to talk to each other about their race strategiesÉor lack of in ClovisÕs case (Unless you call Ôdrive real fast and donÕt brake for anythingÕ a strategy)
Daria on the other hand was sat with her head laying flat on the table, obviously the number of people she knew who where showing a complete lack of common sense or sanity by entering had gotten to her.
A shout of ÒOI!Ó From Carlotta Lee-Daniels who had emerged from the reception got her attention however;
ÒPhone call for Maria DorgendorfferÉIÕm assuming they bollocksed your name up.Ó
Daria sighed once more before heading to the receptionÉonly to find the actual Maria Dorgendorffer on the phone.
ÒWhat are the odds?Ó She muttered before turning to leave as a phone rang behind her she heard the receptionist call out
ÒMs Daria Morgendorffer?Ó
Turning round Daria approached the desk, narrowly avoiding a guy in a suit who looked like Robert Stack as he ran to the bathrooms, there was something oddly familiar about him but she shrugged and headed on.
ÒHello?Ó She asked as she took the phone, and then held the receiver away from it as what sounded like her mothers voice came screaming through the phone, something about asking what she and her father where thinking letting Quinn enter and a bunch of other stuff, from the sound of things all the work had caused her mother to temporarily go insane (at least she hoped it was temporary, her mother was threatening to see she got 5 years solitary confinement)
Quickly she grabbed a brochure from the rack on the reception and held it to the receiver ÒSorry Mom canÕt hear you, the lines funnyÉÓ and with that she proceeded to crinkle the paper before hanging up.
ÉÉÉ
Meanwhile outside Jane was manning the table in case the substitute racers Noah had hired in case someone dropped out would be able to turn up to replace team 16, albeit there was little chance of such happening but at least she got to watch Clovis, Tom and WasabiÕs antics.
ÒClovis why have we got a shovel in the trunk?Ó
ÒOh no reason.Ó
ÒWait isnÕt Bruce Lee buried in Seattle?Ó
The sudden outburst of ÒWHAAAAAAT!?!Ó Startled the middle aged man who was approaching the table, Jane recognised him as the man who had gotten out of a black Ford LTD after some Robert Stack look-alike ran into the hotel.
ÒCan I help you?Ó Jane asked, not taking her attention off of the sight of Clovis and Wasabi arguing about whether or not they could find out how Bruce Lee really died.
ÒErr yes,Ó the man replied, still taken aback by the sight of the two madmen arguing, he had been told by Agent Flemming to see about apprehending anyone involved, ÒIÕm Agent Bork andÉÓ
ÒAh excellent we heard you would be here,Ó Jane said as she idly filled out a spare form Òso your disguised as Feds are ya? Nice one,Ó she handed over the form to him Òhave a nice day.Ó
ÒButÉÓ Bork was about to reply but was unable to when an auburn headed young girl ran out the hotel and grabbed the arm of the girl in front of him.
ÒJane we gotta get packed,Ó Daria said before shouting ÒTom, you got your very good reason. Remember the race starts at midnight.Ó
Bork was about to try and say something but at this all the youngsters in the car park vanished from sight leaving him standing outside on his own with nothing but a form.
ÉÉÉ
Agent Flemming walked out of the hotel washrooms, zipping up after completing his duties and narrowly avoiding a bunch of youngsters rushing past, damn delinquents he thought before taking a deep breath, getting worked up always triggered his IBS.
He walked outside to find Agent Bork stammering confused with a piece of paper in his hands. As Flemming approached he saw what appeared to be an entry form for the very race he had set out to put a stop toÉ
ÒBORK YOU IDIOT, IÕLL HAVE YOUÉOH GODÉÓ with that he clutched his stomach and went running for washroom again, ÒWEÕLL TALK ABOUT THIS LATERÉÓ he was heard to shout.
Bork looked down at the form and then at the hotel entrance, ÒWhereÕs the bar? I need a drinkÉscratch that, lots of drinks.Ó He said before he walked off.
Racer Number 16 – ÔThe FedsÕ – Ford LTD
ÉÉÉ
End of chapter.
Chapter 1 – Let the Games Begin.
With less than 3 hours to go the participants found themselves preparing for the race, each in their own way.
ÉÉÉ
Amy Barksdale relaxed in the hot tub. She would have gone swimming but they still hadnÕt been able to remove the hearse. The owners where still in the bar and in no state to be of assistance.
ÉÉÉ
Both Mack and Jodie spent their time observing the maps and planning their routeÕs, while Kevin tried to teach the orang-utan to play drinking gamesÉthe orang-utan drank Kevin under the table. Brittney was last seen heading off with a guy who looked like he had stepped out of a time slip.
ÉÉÉ
Anthony DeMartino spent the entire night loading his DUKW up with as much free food as humanly possible then did the same with his stomach. The rest of the faculty did pretty much the same.
ÉÉÉ
Casey and Jennifer finished perfecting their cover, soon Officer Reynolds and Officer DeLuise where ready for active duty.
ÉÉÉ
The Fashion Club did what they do best (second to eating carrot sticks) and enjoyed the attention of the three JÕs and anyone else for that matter.
Robert watched before repeatedly hitting his head on the bar and wishing he hadnÕt quit smoking.
ÉÉÉ
Beavis and Butt-Head loaded their truck with as many rolls of toilet paper as was humanly possible before asking an important question:
ÒHey Beavis this is like a really long drive, donÕt we need like food or something?Ó
ÒOhhhh YeahÉheh he hehÉLets get NachoÕs.Ó
ÉÉÉ
While they went off in search of blessed corn chip snacks Upchuck found himself wishing he had not put Ted in charge of food
ÒTed dear boy, didnÕt you get anything besides a crate of gum?Ó
ÉÉÉ
Mystik Spiral did what did best, sleptÉa lot.
ÉÉÉ
Barch and OÕNeillÉwell IÕd rather not go into detail of that.
ÉÉÉ
Agent Flemming cursed whoever used up all the toilet paper.
Agent Bork drank drinksÉlots of drinks.
ÉÉÉ
Daria and Jane packed whatever possessions they had brought with them and found Tom at a table in the reception; looking at a map with what appeared to be a phonebook in one hand and a cell phone in the other.
ÒTom what are you doing?Ó
ÒMaking race preparations,Ó he replied while entering a number into his cell phone before taking a pencil and marking something on the map ÒIÕm getting the number of every pizza place that delivers or does drive through that IÕm likely to pass on the route.Ó
ÒFinally someone who knows what their doingÓ Jane commented ÒMind if we put our stuff on the back seatÓ
ÒGo aheadÓ he tossed the keys to the duo ÒJust be careful out there, THOSE THREE are doing a supply checkÉÓ
ÉÉÉ
The ÔTHOSE THREEÕ (Note capitals) in question of course turned out to be (as usual) Wasabi and the Lee-DanielÕs siblings, they where loading up the Mini (referred to as ÔVeraÕ by Clovis for unknown reasons.) as Daria and Jane passed they overheard the following snippetsÓ
ÒNodachi?Ó
ÒCheckÉand I donÕt want to know what you think we need that thing for.Ó
ÒShotgun?Ó
ÒTouchŽ, and check.Ó
ÒRock music?Ó
ÒHell yeah thatÕs a check.Ó
ÒFood?Ó
ÒIf by that Clovis you mean 3 packets of beefy jerky, a box of instant noodles and several thermosÕs of hot water then check.Ó
ÒDrink?Ó
ÒYes although IÕm not sure that energy drink is even legal in this countryÉand the fact there is a can of diet cola worries me what with yourÉcondition.Ó
ÒShovel?Ó
ÒCheckÉWAITAMINUTE!Ó
Carlotta detached herself from the ensuing argument about how cool an ornament of a certain martial arts legends skull would make as she approached Daria and Jane,
ÒSo you two joining in as well I take it? What changed your mind?Ó
ÒMy mother seems to have snapped at last, I figured it would a) be wise to get out of town and b) if sheÕs serious about the 5 years solitary then it may as well be for something more than just handing out forms.Ó Daria neglected to mention c) keep an eye on everyone because she knew she would never live it down (Jane would see to that.)
ÒIÕm just going along cause Sick Sad World are gonna be doing a special on this and I can fulfil a life fantasyÓ Jane added with her usual smirk. ÒBeing involved in a hit and run on live television.Ó
Daria rolled her eyes as she put her and her friends bag on the back seats of TomÕs car, hereÕs hoping that Tom could stand being in a car with those two for the raceÕs duration without throwing them out. Of course they could always do the sameÉif it wasnÕt for the fact no one but him knew how to keep that car working.
The two left as Carlotta returned to restrain her two slightly unstable friends from trying to kill each other. They saw Tom getting up from the table he was at, a folded map in his pocket.
ÒWell I finished my researchÓ he spoke as he took back his keys Òwe got another hour or so till midnight so IÕm going to catch a few ZÕs till then, IÕd recommend you take care of anything else that needs taking care of.Ó
As she watched him leave Daria decided she should at least let her father know her intentions and headed to reception to dial NoahÕs penthouse.
ÉÉÉ
ÒHello?ÉÓ Noah Barkman answered the phone ÒOh hello Daria, how goes the form collecting?É all in? ExcellentÉthatÕs not what you where calling about?Éyou want to speak to your father? One second let me see.Ó He looked away from the phone ÒHey Jake, phone callÉÓ
ÒCHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!Ó
Noah watched Jake attempting to down the latest beer bottle in a long series before he collapsed face down on the floor.
ÒSorry Daria heÕs busyÉyes, as a skunkÉwant me to give him a message?É youÕre entering the race? Excellent, makes it more interestingÉdonÕt worry IÕll be sure to tell him once he recoversÉof course you can have a copy of the photoÕs of his face. ByeÓ
With that Noah hung up the phone and walked over to the now comatose Jake Morgendorffer, he looked at the elderly gentleman who had drunk the man under the table.
ÒAnd ÔStan The ManÕ remains the undefeated ÔchugmeisterÕ although IÕm surprised you went easy on him.Ó
ÒWell with great power, comes great responsibilityÉÓ
ÒSomehow I knew youÕd say that.Ó
ÉÉÉ
Close to midnight all 16 vehicles where lined up at the starting lineÉor as close to a line as can be gotten with the assorted vehicles that crowded the car park (Agent Flemming had decided it would be easier to allow the race to start and arrest all the competitors on the wayÉmainly as Bork was too drunk to be of assistance and he was still recovering from having to use that magazineÉthe less we know of this the better.)
Most of the participants where stood in a crowd where Noah Barkman took the stage, Daria; amongst the crowd; would have been expecting it to be a long stream of tech speak buzzwords and little substance, however the contact she had with Noah since he and her father had begun this joint-venture had shown that the young head of Buzzdome Enterprises was more than the Ôdot-com stereotypeÕ he allowed people to think he was.
In a way he reminded her of Mr. Dolphus Raymond from ÔTo Kill a MockingbirdÕ with the way he allowed people to assume his nature, but in NoahÕs case it meant he was able to hide his actual business skills behind a wall of fancy buzzwords and a Ôhip and edgy appearanceÕ which had allowed him to make a fortune out of a company that did practically nothing.
There, now IÕve gotten the literary reference out the way and this is disguised as an Ôintelligent fanficÕ I can proceed with whatever I want whether it be low-brow humour, explosions, or just plain crazy acts of idiocy, now where was I? Ah yes, NoahÕs speech:
ÒLadies & GentlemenÉand I use the term loosely.Ó There where a few obligatory chuckles to the opening line, Òit is with great honour that I welcome you to the first annual Dammitall RunÉand if I can help it this wonÕt be the last. You being here has filled my heart with joy, for before me I see the best assortment of freaks and miscreants I have laid eyes onÉand I worked in computer support.Ó
Again there was another burst of laughter from the crowd, Òas you all know the destination of this combustion-fuelled crusade is the Paramount Hotel in Seattle; so please, no one take a wrong turn and wind up at the top of the Space Needle; now all of you entrants have been issued with a nifty little gadget in the form of one of these:Ó with that he held up a small business card sized device with a blinking light
ÒThis little fellow will be monitoring your progress, from the moment you cross the starting line to the exact nano-second you pass the chequered flag. As long as you keep this intact it doesnÕt matter how you cross the line, it can be in your own vehicle, someone elseÕs vehicle, heck a pogo stick or a space hopper even as long as you get there its what countsÉoh and they will be monitoring altitude so donÕt go trying to fly and spoiling the fun, ainÕt gonna happen.Ó Noah waved a finger as he said this.
ÒSo there you have it, youÕre all here because youÕre the kind of people who want some fun, money, or both, and are willing to say Dammitall to the consequencesÓ He said as he looked at the clock that was ticking down the seconds at 11:59 Òso without further ado, the moment that clock hits midnight I want you to get in those cars and drive like thereÕs no tomorrow, ready, setÉÓ As the final second ticked down and a klaxon sounded he punched the air ÒTHE RACE IS ON, GO ON AND GET THE HELL OUT THERE!Ó
With that everyone ran for his or her cars.
ÉÉÉ
ÒI still canÕt believe IÕm doing thisÓ Mack said as he buckled in and revved the engine Òall this for money.Ó
ÒBro we ainÕt doing this for money.Ó
ÒWeÕre not?Ó
ÒNawÉweÕre doing this for a shitload of money!Ó
ÒKevinÓ Mack replied with a grin Òfor once I agree with you.Ó
ÉÉÉ
Clovis somersaulted over the adjacent car and went through the open window of ÔVeraÕ landing in the drivers seat,
ÒItÕs a bloody long way to Seattle,Ó
Wasabi got in the passengers seat,
ÒWeÕve got a full tank of gas,Ó
Carlotta the back,
ÒHalf a CD rackÕs worth of rock music,Ó
They fastened their seat belts as Clovis revved the engine.
ÒIts dark, and IÕm wearing sunglassesÉHIT IT!Ó
ÒJust remember one thing BroÓ Carlotta addedÉ
ÒOver here they drive on the wrong side of the road.Ó
ÉÉÉ
Anthony DeMartino didnÕt utter a good quote or anything similar as he started his vehicle up, he just laughed maniacally as he drove onÉ
ÒNYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!Ó
DidnÕt I tell you?
ÉÉÉ
ÒUh Huh Uh Huh Huh This is gonna be coolÉÓ
ÉÉÉ
ÒCare to make a wager ladies?Ó Upchuck leered over the side of his car at the Fashion Club ÒWhomever makes it to the finish first has to pay for dinner?Ó
ÒLike keep shifting youÕre gear stick Upchuck Ôcause that car is gonna be the only ride youÕll be getting.Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒReady Jennifer?Ó
ÒYeah Casey, lets show them that weÕre more than just background characters.Ó
ÒWuh?Ó
ÒIt sounded cool, just driveÉcan we use the siren?Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒReady to hit the ÔHighway to HellÕ?Ó
ÒAs long as we got ÔWheels of SteelÕ then of course.Ó
ÒDonÕt you mean ÔWheels of FireÕ?Ó
ÒWhatever, weÕre ÔHell Bent for LeatherÕÓ
ÒJust ÔHit the Road JackÕÓ
ÒDude thatÕs NickÉÓ
ÒWhatever Jesse, it doesnÕt matter, ÔHeÕs Going the DistanceÕÓ
During all the Ôsong-tagÕ between the other three Max closed his eyes and repeated his mantra:
ÒHere in my car, I feel safe and secureÉÓ
ÉÉÉ
ÒSee you at the finish line boysÓ Amy Barksdale said to the car of schoolboys as she left them eating her dust.
ÒDude she looked like QuinnÕs sister or whateverÉÓ
ÒMaybe itÕs her real Mom?Ó
ÒYou mean she really was QuinnÕs cousin?Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒYou ready Jodie?Ó Brittney practically squeaked with excitement.
ÒOf course BritÓ Jodie replied as she looked at the school bus next to her, ÒMaybe I can finally live out my secret fantasy of running Principal Li off the roadÉÓ
ÒWhat did you say Jodie?Ó
ÒOh nothing, lets goÉÓ
ÉÉÉ
Nathan honked the horn of his car angrily,
ÒCome onÓ he yelled at the large monster truck blocking his path.
ÒYouÕre in the way, move it you dumb broadÉÓ
There is just no helping some people is there?
ÉÉÉ
ÒReady Skinny?Ó
ÒNot reÉÓ
ÒExcellent lets go.Ó Barch replied not letting OÕNeill get a response.
ÒJanet you appear to be in reverseÉÓ
ÒIÕm well aware of that.Ó
ÒJanet thereÕs a car behind usÉÓ
ÒLike I said Skinny, IÕm well aware of that.
ÉÉÉ
ÒWow.Ó Jane said as she watched Nathan dive out the classic car as it was crushed under the wheels of BarchÕs aptly named ÔMan-CrusherÕ
ÒCheck it out Daria, the guy couldnÕt even manage it past the starting line after all.Ó
ÒGuess people just canÕt follow instructions.Ó Daria replied, ÒTom are you going to start this race or fiddle with those gloves all night?Ó
ÒPatience my dear DariaÓ Tom replied as he finished putting on a pair of leather driving gloves Òif you insist riding with me you must permit me these one or two indulgences of my ego.Ó
ÒTom knock off the fancy talk and start driving before I phone my mother and tell her you kidnapped me.Ó
ÒAw, come on Daria, you know with things like this it ainÕt what you do, its how you do it,Ó Tom replied as he rolled his eyes ÒYou sure you got everything? I donÕt plan on making any bathroom breaks for at least a few hours so I hope youÕve taken care of everythingÉunlike that guy.Ó
The Ôthat guyÕ in question was someone in a fancy G-Man style suit running to a slightly dented LTD with a long stream of toilet paper trailing from his foot.
ÒWords fail me, ÉAnywayÓ Tom continued as he started tapping the steering wheel with his fingertips ÒI think its time we blow this scene, get everybody and their stuff togetherÉOK 3 2 1 lets jam.Ó
With that he like all the other racers floored the accelerator and shot off with the destination of Seattle in mind.
ÉÉÉ
Noah Barkman watched the 15 vehicles head off into the night, good thing no one betted on that 40Õs retro guy, the first elimination (which judging from the entrants wouldnÕt be the last) had happened a lot earlier than planned but at least it made things more interestingÉand it was then he realised how much he had been using that word.
Shrugging to himself he felt the feeling of pride well up in him as the knowledge that the race he had organised had started. Whether it would finish would be another question but one he looked forward to answering.
He glanced back at the penthouse where the party was still going strong, come the morning him and most of the entourage would head to Seattle where they would no doubt watch movies. Gamble, play video games and drink copious amounts of alcohol until the race ended. Sounded like a plan.
ÒHeeeey Noah my manÉÓ Noah turned to see a very drunken Jake Morgendorffer approaching; he had somehow acquired a traffic cone and was wearing it on his head in accordance with the laws of drunkenness.
ÒHello Jake.Ó He replied, as he readied the digital camera in his pocket, after all a promise is a promise.
ÒHave youshe seen my daughter DarlaÉDARIA! Round here?Ó He slurred at the white haired grinning face before him.
ÒJake I doubt that KFC bucket is going to be much helpÓ Noah attracted his sozzled associateÕs attention, Òand as for Daria donÕt worry sheÕs in the same place as the other oneÉQuinn right?Ó
ÒUh-*hic*Ó Jake replied as he tried to figure out which of the three NoahÕs was real ÒWhereÕz that then?Ó
ÒSheÕsÉÓ Noah continued speaking as he simultaneously drew the camera Òentered the race of course, sheÕll meet you in Seattle.Ó
To this day Noah has still yet to see someone go from intoxicated to sober to gibbering to unconsciousness in such a short amount of time, and he got it all on film as well.
It was good to be alive he decided.
ÉÉÉ
Racer 14 – ÔRetro ManÕ – 1957 Ford Skyliner – ELIMINATED.
End of chapter.
Chapter 2 –Capers in Carter Country & Disasters in Delaware
As the small hours of the morning approached the racerÕs made their way through the Carter Country area, they had all gotten off to a good start, except for Nathan but lets face it, you make that sort of comment to someone like Barch then your lucky to at least walk away with your tail between your legsÉor anything else for that matter.
However the adrenaline rush of the start of the race had begun to wind down on some of the various participants which coupled with the lack of light that you tend to find when its between 2 and 5 in the morning (as well as a few being a little above the legal limit) meant that it really was a bad idea to be driving at such high speeds with reckless abandon like they did when they had started.
This of course didnÕt stop any of them.
ÉÉÉ
What did stop Brittney and Jodie however was a highway patrol man, the two girls exited the car after pulling over, the officer stroked his (possibly mandatory) moustache as he approached.
ÒIÕm sorry officer!Ó Brittney squeaked, ÒUsually I drive right around the speed limit!Ó
ÒA lapse is a lapse maÕam but a 140 Miles per hour, what where you thinking?Ó The officer pointed into the air repeatedly as he spoke, he would have continued to reprimand until at least 5 other vehicles passed at equal speeds, which nearly blew his hat off.
ÒWhat the hells going on? EveryoneÕs driving like crazy people tonight.Ó With that he returned his attention to the two girls, ÒLets see a license and some ID.Ó
Brittney gave an empty headed (yet oddly calculating) smile and squeaked once more ÒCertainly officerÓ and reached for the ring round the neck of her racing suitÉ
UN-ZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP.
Jodie rolled her eyes as Brittney retrieved her licence from within and held it out for the officer who just stood staring (it was borderline ogling to be honest) at BrittneyÕs prominentÉcredentialsÉsure it was cheap and she felt like she was kissing her integrity goodbye but it kept them from getting ticketed.
ÒHeck I canÕt give a ticket to a couple of nice Ga-GIRLS like you, specially with the road full of speed-crazy lunatics, you drive safe now, you hear?Ó
Brittney waved as the patrolman returned to his car and drove off.
ÒI donÕt know whatÕs sadder Brit,Ó Jodie spoke, ÒThe fact we just did thatÉor that it was my ideaÉor worst of allÉthat it actually worked.Ó
ÒWell we didnÕt get a ticket at least, and he was kinda cuteÉÓ
ÒOh and Brit, you can zip up nowÉunless you intend to cause a major traffic accident.Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒHuh looks like Jodie and Brittney where the first to get stopped.Ó Mack commented as he glanced at the side mirror before returning to the road Òwell better them than usÉ Kevin what the hell are you doing?Ó
ÒmÕts eÕzy mÕk dÕddÕyÓ Kevin replied with his mouth full before swallowing the ice cream and continuing ÒI figure I can stay awake by eating coffee ice cream, and it ainÕt hot so it wont burn if we spill it with some whacked out driving.
Mack decided he wouldnÕt waste the brain cells thinking up an intelligent response to his imbecilic friend and resigned himself to driving with his friend unconscious, he didnÕt have the heart to tell him there was little-to-no caffeine in that ice cream.
ÒARGH!Ó Was KevinÕs next statement as he clutched his head ÒBro I got a brain freeze, help me, help meeeeeÉÓ
ÒOOK!Ó *THUD*
Kevin was cut-off from making further hysterical pleadings by a sharp blow to the head by the orang-utan (nicknamed Kevin JR by KevinÉwhich had already earned him at least one previous blow to the head), which caused him to pass out in his seat.
Mack watched his friend reach unconscious status prematurely; ÒYou know IÕm really starting to love this monkeyÉÓ
ÒOOK!Ó
ÒApeÓ he corrected himself as he proceeded to drive.
ÉÉÉ
In a school bus that was either picking up very eager to learn students or involved in this race that youÕve no doubt gotten sick of being mentioned (Hey I got to make sure you can remember what this story is about somehow) Angela Li battled the urge to snooze, she did this by repeating the closest thing to a mantra she knew:
ÒOnwards for the glory of Laaawndale High!Ó
Which she had been doingÉ
ÒOnwaaaaaaards for the glory of Laaawndale High!Ó
ÉFor the past hour, Bennet and Morris had the foresight to wear earplugs meaning neither of them would snap, brain the principal with a baseball bat and bury her in a shallow grave at the road side (truly a wasted opportunity.)
ÒOnwaaaards for the glory of Laaaawndale HiiiiiiigÉZZZZÉ*SNERK* IÕm Awake! IÕm Awake!Ó
Morris and Bennet looked at each other before removing the earplugs;
ÒAngela are you sure you donÕt want either of us to switch with you?Ó
ÒNooooonsense. I shall continue to fiiiight onÉÓ
The two shrugged and returned to their seats, mildly perturbed that because of lack of sleep her strange way of pronouncing Lawndale had spread to other words as well now.
ÒSheÕll be out any minute wont she?Ó
ÒYup.Ó
ÒThen youÕll be ready to take the wheel?Ó
ÒYup.Ó
ÒThen we get the tape recorder so we can record everything she says in her sleep for future use such as next time we may want a raise?Ó
ÒYup.Ó
ÒAnthony was a genius when he came up with this plan, an insane genius who thinks his boatmobile will beat us but a genius nonetheless.Ó
ÒYup.Ó
ÒZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZÓ was LiÕs contribution, shortly followed by the sound of screeching tires.
ÉÉÉ
Anthony DeMartino leaned an arm over the side of his vehicle and enjoyed the night air, he was able to last without sleep for long amounts of time unlike these youngsters (A student like Kevin can result in many a sleepless nightÉespecially after grading homework.)
He reached for the pile of food on the passengerÕs side and collected a chicken drumstick, he tore into the poultry with gusto, surely this race was the best thing to happen to him since Kevin broke his leg and was absent from school.
As he was thinking of all the things he could do with the prize money such as; pay off his gambling debts, get a better place, enjoy 3 decent meals a day etc he was nearly run off the road by a school bus.
Which meant either Li had finally fallen asleep at the wheel as planned or it was another of her attempts to have him killedÉthe others may not have believed him when he was convinced that the Tommy Sherman memorial goalpost incident had been meant for him. Deciding it was the former as opposed to the latter he inserted a cassette into the player of his vehicle.
As the sound of WagnerÕs ÔRide of the ValkeryeÕ emanated from the speaker he grinned and took a deep breath.
ÒI LOVE the smell of BLACKMAIL in the early morning.Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒOOK?Ó
ÒYeah her schedule can be a bit of a problem, but we always find a way round it, we got a solid relationship despite everything and I donÕt see that changing.Ó
ÒOOK?Ó
ÒNo I donÕt know why everyone seems to think me and Jodie are going to break up after we graduate. Sure bugs the hell out of me though.Ó
ÒOOK.Ó
ÒExactly, its like people who think weÕre only together cause weÕre the Ôonly black studentsÕ in school or somethingÉwhich isnÕt true anyhow, we date cause we like each other, end of story.Ó
ÒEEK?Ó
ÒSure other girls have hit on me, I just politely decline, I have a girlfriend IÕm not interested in any of the other girlsÉok I will admit that maybe if me and Jodie werenÕt an item IÕd consider dating someone like Daria but to be honest Éshe scares me.Ó
ÒOOK.Ó
ÒNo not being tempted by other girls doesnÕt mean IÕm gayÉit just means I look at Kevin and his ways and can you think of a better deterrent than that?Ó
ÒOOK?Ó
ÒWell of course IÕm not the perfect male, I do have my bad points.Ó
ÒOOK?Ó
ÒWell IÕm discussing relationship issues with a freaking orang-utan for one thing, thatÕs never a good thing is it?Ó
ÒOOOOOKÓ The Orang-utan nodded in agreement.
ÉÉÉ
As the race went on into dawn and the sun began to rise; the ÔDammitallersÕ as we can call the racers for lack of a better word; made their way into Delaware, the first state found itself the recipient of many an incident with all the clichŽs that a car chase needs.
ÉÉÉ
ÒUh huh huh huh, err like Beavis, maybe we should, I dunno, drive carefully or something?Ó The brain-dead ÔbrainsÕ of the gruesome twosome asked.
ÒHeh heh M heh heh hehÉerrrrÉWhy?Ó The even more brain-dead cohort replied as there truck proceeded to drive into a pile of crates sending live chickens fluttering and squawking every where.
ÉÉÉ
Casey and Jennifer watched the truck liberate several crates worth of poultry as they found themselves enveloped in a flurry of clucks and feathers.
ÒZoinks!Ó Casey cried out before looking at his team-mate ÒYou will NEVER tell anyone I said that.Ó
ÒTake a Scooby snack and chill out dude, embrace your true nature.Ó Jennifer replied; grinning; before the proverbial light bulb above the head lit up, ÒHey I got an idea, these sirens work?Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÔDammit Beavis you dumbass, the cops are after us now.Ó
ÒHuh?Ó Beavis replied as he drove through a pile of watermelons.
And through the rest of Delaware, Casey and Jennifer managed to avoid attention by pretending to be in pursuit of Beavis and Butt-Head, mainly as Beavis seemed to have no idea how to work the brakes on the truck, this was proven when he drove through a large plate of glass being carried across the road by two men.
ÒWell ZekeÓ one of the two glass-carriers said to the other Òour work here is done.Ó
ÉÉÉ
Elsewhere; other racers where engaging in their own hi-jinks.
ÒYeah my schedule can be a bit of a problem, but we always find a way round it, we got a solid relationship despite everything and I donÕt see that changing.Ó
ÒEEP?Ó
ÒNo I donÕt know why everyone seems to think me and Mack are going to break up after we graduate. Sure bugs the hell out of me though.Ó
ÒEEP.Ó
ÒExactly, its like people who think weÕre only together cause weÕre the Ôonly black studentsÕ in school or somethingÉwhich isnÕt true anyhow, we date cause we like each other, end of story.Ó
ÒEEP!Ó
Of course what Brittney wanted to say if she wasnÕt paralyzed with fear was that maybe it wasnÕt such a good idea to drive so wildly in a town even at the early hours.
ÉÉÉ
ÒWow JodieÕs really cutting loose out there.Ó Jane commented as she watched
ÒI have to agree, sheÕs gone from ÔQueen of the Honour RollÕ to ÔQueen of the HighwayÕ out thereÓ Daria replied, Ò10 bucks says it wont last though.Ó
ÒYouÕre onÓ Jane replied, the two friends had been passing the long hours with various bets, in keeping with the usual tradition, Daria was winning most of them to her friends constant chagrin.
ÒI have to agree with Daria, its almost like sheÕs trying to wreck her fathers car as opposed to winning.Ó Tom chimed in, the nap he had taken in the hotel had kept him awake for the drive.
ÒOh I donÕt know, JodieÕs in this to win it, wrecking the car is just a pleasant bonus.Ó Daria then glanced at the driver, Òspeaking of wrecks, Tom your not planning on trying to stay awake the entire journey are you?Ó
ÒNah donÕt worry about that, I figure a quick stop in New Jersey can be used for resting, after all youÕd have to be some sort of lunatic to not plan something like that.Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒNO SLEEP TILLÉÓ Clovis paused singing as the music played before he continued ÒBROOKLYN!Ó then proceeded to head bang along to the music.
ÒClovis you cannot be thinking of staying awake till New YorkÉcan you?Ó Wasabi asked with trepidation in his voice, somehow he already knew the answer.
ÒToo bloody right I do, I donÕt plan to stop for sleep this entire journey.Ó
ÒYou think you can stay awake that whole time?Ó
ÒBugger that, of course not, I figure if I get tired I can just wait till we hit an empty and straight bit of road I can snooze there without losing any ground.Ó
As Wasabi closed his eyes and let out a faint whimper before muttering several prayers under his breath, Carlotta leaned forwards and patted her siblings shoulder
ÒDear brother of mine you truly are deranged beyond all reason.Ó
Clovis just glanced into the rear-view mirror at her and grinned,
ÒYou only just figured that out?Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒDammit Bork!Ó Agent Flemming yelled; causing the hung over passenger to flinch; ÒweÕve been driving for God knows how many hours and we havenÕt seen a single one of those damn racer scum.Ó
ÒMaybe its because weÕve been driving UNDER the speed limit ever since we left?Ó
Flemming looked confused at this ÒYou mean their not?Ó
ÒÉOK from now on IÕm driving.Ó
ÉÉÉ
Meanwhile back at the Le Grande hotel, up in the penthouse, the last remnants of the party where still there, most of the guests having gotten tired and gone to sleep in their rooms (or passed out on the floor) but a few where still left playing video games on the couch.
Noah looked at the map on his laptop screen with a cup of coffee in one hand; the various blinking icons indicated the various vehicles locations, from the looks of things they where all still going strong.
ÒHey Jake their already in Delaware!Ó He shouted across the room at his pre-occupied associate.
Jake had managed to calm down about the shock news of both his daughters participation in the race after Noah assured him his wife was currently too insane to try and flay him alive, specially as Noah had discovered that despite her losing touch with reality she was putting out some of the most efficient and effective legal work ever. Albeit he did find it best to ignore her more unusual ideas such as copyrighting the alphabet.
Jake however he was too enthralled in his video game to hear Noah, this was mainly as he had found himself on a winning streak much to his own surprise.
ÒAlright Quentin my man, if I win this round, then you have to tell us what it was that was REALLY in that briefcaseÉand donÕt be giving us any of that MacGuffin crap.Ó
ÉÉÉ
We interrupt this story for an announcement:
At the risk of breaking the fourth wall, for those of you wondering why there has been no mention of Aunt Amy, the Fashion Club, Mystik Spiral, Bach & OÕNeill, the three JÕs + Robert, and Ted & Upchuck, that is simply because all of that lot; since leaving the Le Grande parking lot; in an almost inconsiderate lack of narrative sense have been driving with absolutely NOTHING of interest worth mentioning happening to them.
Hopefully they will have the (lack of) good sense to rectify this situation or failing that theyÕll just wreck something, but all in good time, till then just enjoy the ride.
We now return to our regularly scheduled weirdness.
ÉÉÉ
ÒUh Beavis I think I should, like, drive now or something?Ó Butt-Head asked,
ÒAre you threatening me?Ó Beavis replied
What little neurons in Butt-HeadÕs brain registered that maybe it was a bad idea letting his friend take all those ÔNo-DrowzÕ caffeine pills to stay awake; they had gone through nearly all of Delaware demolishing anything in their wake. This looked like Washington DC all over again. Least he wouldnÕt wind up with some old chick with a rubber glove sticking her handÉ
His recollection was stopped (Thank God) by a cry of ÒPREPARE TO FACE THE WRATH OF MY BUNGHOLE!Ó As Beavis or to be more precise, ÔThe Great CornholioÕ yelled as he demolished a newsstand.
As the truck continued to thunder along destroying all manner of market stalls setting up in the morning, one thought sprang to the front of Butt-HeadÕs mind.
It was a good thing they had stolen AndersonÕs license plates for this truck.
ÉÉÉ
Back with Our Heroine and company, in a vehicle that looked more like the recipient of damage than the cause of it, Daria and Jane had found a good way of keeping Tom awake for longer;
ÒA Walrus tusk, a Xylophone in need of repair, a Yellow skittles filled brandy glass, and a ZebraÕs left testicle, barbequed to a crispÉÓ Tom droned as he finally made it to the last of the 26 items of the picnic game.
ÒOk Jane, you bet me 5 dead presidents that he wouldnÕt make it all the way through.Ó
Jane grumbled as she reached for her wallet, ÒHow the hell can a guy remember all that crap and have trouble remembering anniversaries and stuff?Ó
ÒJane, men will forever remain a mystery that shall remain unexploredÉand should remain that as well.Ó Daria replied as she pocketed the cash.
ÒHear, Hear.Ó Tom chimed in as he changed gear, ÒYou may want to hang on, some lunatic seems to have driven through this entire market, and it could get a little bumpyÓ
As the car made its way through the debris the ride was indeed slightly bumpy, however the bumps soon stoppedÉalbeit this was when the car hit an unexpected ramp (that had been made by a broken stall and not placed their intentionally by some author) that left the car airborne for a short time before landing on the ground with a sudden jolt.
ÒEvel Knievel, you've got yourself some competition!Ó Jane commented as they landed.
ÒHow is this car still intact?Ó Daria asked as she looked out the back window, half expecting to see a trail of car parts from where they landed.
ÒHey this cars a lot tougher than it looks, Grandma said it served my Grandfather well through all his time working for the government.Ó Tom said proudly as he patted the dashboard, causing a panel to fall off, ÒAw crapÉhey are those buttons?Ó
ÒThey must make this car turn into a robot.Ó Daria deadpanned.
ÒOh come on,Ó Tom laughed as he spoke ÒWho in their right mind would think this car could do such a thing?Ó The sound of his stomach rumbling diverted his attention ÒHmm it seems once we reach Jersey IÕll have to stop for some breakfast as well as a nap.Ó
ÒDonÕt they have a Quick Stop there?Ó
ÉÉÉ
End of Chapter.
Chapter 3: A Quick Stop in New Jersey andÉ
In the early morning the racers had exited Delaware just as quick as they had entered and where now out on the open road again, with New Jersey; home of (depending on if you believe everything you see on TV or in movies) giant robots, alien invasions, at least 2 world famous slackers, a turnpike, and a comic store; in sightÉ
They hit the Garden state with all of the subtlety and precision of an out of control weed-whacker.
ÉÉÉ
On the outskirts, outside a roadside convenience store, Upchuck pulled up in his Buick, in mid conversation with his co-racer, jumping out of the car and heading to the door as he continued to speak/shout at his partner:
ÒÉWe canÕt live on gum alone for this trip,Ó Ted was about to open his mouth before Upchuck cut him off ÒI donÕt care if its double mint, its still not enoughÉmaybe if it came with those twins it wouldnÕt be so bad, but alas alack it is not to be so I think we need some more substantial supplies, so stay Ted, STAY.Ó
Ted Stayed.
ÉÉÉ
Elsewhere, up in the sky, onboard a private plane, Noah Barkman pointed to his laptop
ÒOK Jake as we can see by the screen they have all pretty much made it to the New Jersey area intact,Ó Noah said to his associate next to him in the window seat (Jake had won the coin toss) Òso they should be working their way through the towns till they reach New York.Ó
ÒI donÕt get it Noah, theyÕve been avoiding the interstates a lot, I donÕt remember you putting any restrictions on that.Ó
ÒI didnÕt, I just saw to it that several people around the hotels would be discussing things that anyone who overhead them would be deterred from using interstatesÉÓ
In the seats behind them a passenger turned to the other:
ÒHey Samuel, 50 bucks says heÕll say its to make it more ÔinterestingÕ or something.Ó He hoped he could win back the money he had lost to Jake on the videogames (sure he was rich and could afford it but itÕs the principal of the thing.)
ÒÉI figured it would make things more interestingÉÓ
ÒTold ya.Ó
Noah continued, oblivious to the discussion behind him, ÒAlthough I doubt I could have gotten all of them to have heard the rumours, mainly that the police where doing roadblocks all along the route.Ó He neglected to mention he had bribed several police departments to make sure roadblocks HAD been set up along the route, Òbut knowing the lunatic Motorhead's we gotÉno offence LemmyÓ
ÒNone taken,Ó the guy with a mole sat next to Noah replied.
ÒAs I was saying, those lunatics may have their own reasons, so we will have to find out as the race goes onÉyou ever wonder if we went to far with all this?Ó
The two looked at each other for a while.
ÒÉNAH.Ó
ÉÉÉ
Timothy OÕNeil sat rather nervously in the passenger seat to the large vehicular monster, they had been travelling at a constant speed along the freeways and interstates making rather good progress, although something had been bothering him for a while and he decided it was time he spoke up.
ÒJanet I wasnÕt going to say anything at first assuming it was just an accident, although I was unsure about the second time, but the thirdÉwell by golly I just couldnÕt remain silent, youÕre not really failing to see those police road blocks are you?Ó
ÉÉÉ
Upchuck returned to his car finding a longhaired man who appeared to be in his early 40Õs in jeans, t-shirt and a pair of ridiculous cowboy boots crouched in front of the car, cackling to himself.
ÒIÕve got you my prettiesÓ Upchuck heard the man cackle as he proceeded to collect the more intact of the various splattered insects that where embedded on the car radiator.
ÒMove it you crazy Bug Guy.Ó Upchuck said as he booted the guy away from his car.
ÒI shall have my revenge,Ó the guy yelled Òor my name isnÕt RichÉÓ
ÒYeah, yeah, what are you gonna do, turn me into a stalker?Ó
Upchuck watched the pissed off Entomologist leave before turning back to the car, only to stop in horror at the sight of the empty seat.
ÒOh great, HeÕs loose.Ó
Turning round to attempt to find his wayward travelling companion, he realised how daunting a task it would be, Ted could be anywhere, anything could have happened to him, he could have met anyone, he could be in anything, he could have gotten to any placeÉ
Which meant finding him calmly stood behind him was rather anti-climatic.
ÒGAH! Ted dear fellow I specifically remember telling you to Stay, why are you Un-Stayed?Ó
ÒI had to go to the bathroomÉturns out they sell gum in there as well, its kind of weird but a nice guy told me itÕs an extra-long lasting gum from Japan, want one?Ó
As Ted held out a packet while about to put something familiar in his mouth; Upchuck was about to correct his na•ve accomplice of the grave error he was about to make before he remembered the past several hours of living off nothing but double mint, consequently his breath was now even fresher than he was.
Ò...IÕll pass, more for you that way.Ó
ÉÉÉ
Mr DeMartino had also stopped temporarily, but in his case to refuel, taking advantage of all expenseÕs being paid for supplies by stocking up on gas, the oil drums in the back of his DUKW where being put to good use (he was originally planning on filling them with explosives and dropping them out the back at Kevin, sadly the village idiots decision to team with Mr Mackenzie; one of the few students with a brain; foiled that plan.)
He had also decided to take the time while the drums filled to make a phone call to his bookie and see what his odds looked like (and maybe if they where good, lay a few bucks down as well.)
As he conversed with Big Al; the bookie who despite having the Italian mobster like name was actually a very nice guy, originally from Germany who was also a big player in the Swineslaager market, its just that with a name like Aloysius you have a hard time being taken serious as a bookie (the prefix of ÔBigÕ was earned because as he put it Òwhen you work in the sausage trade, when business is slow, you tend to eat the merchandiseÓ and not some cruder comparison that could be drawn with sausages); hmm it seems I deviated a bit too much, no matter, just let me start againÉ
As he conversed with Big Al (much better) he watched a red Mini Cooper come tearing down the street before hearing what sounded like frantic yelling in Japanese of all languages (this was merely because Wasabi; when frustrated; tended to forget what language he was speaking) before making a very loud screech as it turned round and continued back in the opposite direction. DeMartino watched this in stunned silence for a second before going back to the phoneÉ
ÒOh and by the way AL, what are the ODDS of that BRITISH entrant actually FINISHING the RACE?Ó
ÉÉÉ
Elsewhere in a roadside diner sat 4 people with the combined musical talent of one great manÉsadly for them, that man was Stephen Hawkings.
Of course I mean Mystik Spiral who with their lack of talent and brain functions STILL failed at making it big in the commercial music industry, despite all this they sat at their table enjoying a large breakfast.
ÒGuys, do you get the feeling weÕre forgetting something?Ó One asked (and does it really matter which one?)
They stopped eating for a second (for the first time in several hours an observer would have noticed) and pondered this, they knew there was something, and the brighter ones (IÕm sure there is one amongst them, that or Jesse is just in the negative when it comes to IQ) had an inkling it had something to do with the reason their food was freeÉ
ÒI GOT IT!Ó One of them finally shouted, startling the others, ÒWE ORDERED ONION RINGS AS WELL!Ó
We can only hope they remember the race in due time.
ÉÉÉ
Mystik Spiral were not the only foursome that where delayed, the Fashion Club had been unable to resist the urge to stop at every mall along the way and make a few purchases, consequently their car was becoming more and more overloaded with bags.
They where sat in the food court of a local mall having a quick snack after a recent purchase, sadly they had been unable to try on said outfits, they had been curious about the patched up holes in the changing rooms and upon asking had learned that the mall had a case of someone busting their head through into the rooms. That had been enough to scare them away.
ÒMy God we have got to get out of this town soonÓ Sandi said to her entourage, ÒDoes no one here have fashion sense? I mean look at those two over there!Ó She said as she pointed with the straw of her diet soda towards a pair of individuals, ÒI mean fat people should not wear white t-shirtsÉespecially with a plaid shirt.Ó
ÒYeah and, OH MY GOD!Ó Stacy chirped in ÒTo make it worse he cut the sleeves off!Ó
ÒOh I knowÓ Quinn responded, ÒHis friend is even worse though, I mean a blue beanie with a green hoodie? PUH-Lease.Ó
ÒThat is so wrong.Ó Was TiffanyÕs contribution.
ÉÉÉ
ÒDude those chicks are so checking us out Coop.Ó
ÒYou think so?Ó
ÒOh yeah, I am so gonna have some digits by the end of the day.Ó The skinny guy continued with a grin as he stood up.
ÒNiiiiiice.Ó The portly Coop replied before getting up from his seat as well ÒWell have fun, IÕm gonna go hit the junkyard, I hear Goat is having a 2 bucks pile today.Ó
As he left he heard the sounds of several girls going ÒEWWWWWW!Ó Followed by a *SLAP* sound.
ÒHeh, JamieÕs still got it.Ó
ÉÉÉ
Out on the highway Agents Bork and Flemming where stood at a roadblock, they had fortunately found and commandeered for their own use.
ÒI tell you what Bork, this is going to be like taking candy from a baby now.Ó
ÒReally?Ó Bork replied in a less than enthusiastic manner.
ÒOf course, all those Damn racers will be bound to take the interstates to get there the quickest, of course it will all be for naught since we shall stop them all here.Ó
Bork was about to ask why they didnÕt just wait AT the finish to get them but stopped when he saw something big approaching.
ÒChief that looks like a monster truck!Ó
ÒDonÕt worry Bork, itÕll stopÉitÕll stopÓ
Bork couldnÕt help notice his bossÕs uncertainty the second time he said this.
ÉÉÉ
OÕNeil woke up from his nap at the sound of a bump.
ÒJanet what was that? ÉDid you do IT again?Ó
ÒÉÉÉÉNo Skinny, go back to sleep.Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒYou where saying chief?Ó
ÒShut up Bork, just shut up.Ó
ÉÉÉ
With the exception of Barch who was still taking the more direct route, the rest of the racers where still in the more urban parts of New Jersey, by chance a large group of them happened to have chosen the same route and by an even more amazing case of either sheer chance or just plain bad writing they had wound up at the same point at the same time.
Most of you by now have hopefully remembered whom (maybe itÕs a little egotistical thinking I deserved a ÔwhomÕ there but lets face it, grammar checkers are a pain in the ass to argue with) it is who has been writing this story and should all now be thinking the same thing:
ÒOh this can only end badly.Ó
People, let it never be said I didnÕt let you down there.
ÉÉÉ
ÒCharles IÕm thirsty!Ó
Upchuck sighed, he supposed having to deal with Ted was one of the problems he brought on himself by choosing toÉwell, deal with Ted. However he was in an unusually compassionate mood towards someone not female. Maybe it was because he had sat by and watched his travelling companion happily chew his way through a packet of Ôlong lasting gumÕ that had caused this altruistic impulse.
ÒHere, grab a soda from thereÓ he said as he held up the bag of supplies earlier.
ÒThanks CharlesÉwaitÓ he said as he reached into the bag, ÒWhatÕs this?Ó
Upchuck gulped as Ted removed a magazine from the bag as well, it wouldnÕt be so bad where it not for the nature of the magazine, hereÕs a clue, it begins with Ex and ends in Plicit and sounds vaguely like a gangster rapper who tries to hard. Ted opened the magazine and just fell silent with his eyeÕs wide.
ÒNow Ted, surely youÕve seen a nakeÉÓ
ÒAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!Ó
ÒObviously not.Ó Upchuck commented as Ted threw the magazine up in the air in shock, he watched it fly away on the wind, no doubt someone would video it and decide it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen (Upchuck thought the same thing about the page 7 centrefold but believe me you DO NOT want to know what that involved.) He probably should be angrier but he figured he had more magazines and he felt an overwhelming wave of pity to his accomplice.
ÉÉÉ
We now follow the errant skin magazine as it makes a random trajectory through the sky, it has an ominous air about it suggesting greater things, and much like the first pebble that starts the avalanche or the first domino in an elaborate display, or the cog in that cool Honda advert, it shall indeed fulfil such expectationsÉ
ÉÉÉ
Further back on the route was a large truck that had finally shaken off its faux-police escort and where trundling through the city in the right direction, albeit this is probably more due to sheer dumb luck (emphasis on the dumb, make it heavy emphasis) than actual planning. However they where both in for a surprise when some sort of papery thing; most likely a magazine; suddenly fluttered up and became stuck to the windshield, IÕll give you three guesses as to which magazineÉ
ÒWOAH!Ó
ÒBeavis that is the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life!Ó Said Butt-Head awe-struck; obviously the magazine had stuck on the page 7 centrefold.
ÒHeh really? What about those urinals that flushed themselves?Ó
ÒErrrrrrÉÓ Butt-head have a passable imitation of thought before continuing, ÒBeavis, we have a new champion.Ó
The drawback to this distraction, as Beavis eventually noticed, was that the driver found himself unable to notice the approaching corner.
ÒUhh Butt-headÉ. BUUUUT-HEAD!!Ó
ÒShut up butt-puppet, IÕm trying to, like, concentrate.Ó Thankfully he managed to pry his eyes away for long enough to see the rapidly approaching wall meaning he could make the necessary reaction:
ÒUUUUUAAAAAAH!Ó
Of course by that I mean scream madly and twist the wheel (also) madly, meaning they just scraped by (literally, the paint on the left side of the truck was entirely scraped offÉ which is puzzling since the wall was on the right hand sideÉ)
HOWEVER:
ÉÉÉ
I ask you now to recall the events at the start of Chapter 1, NOT THE ONES INVOLVING BARCH AND OÕNEIL!!! Whew that was close, almost had several mental trauma lawsuits on my hands.
I am referring of course to Beavis and Butt-head loading up their truck with loads of toilet paper or TP as they like to call it, shortly before they went to get nachos, (on an unrelated note, they got the nachos.) The reason for this may never be known, it probably just seemed like a good idea at the time to the two, maybe they wanted to TP the space needle or something, we will sadly never find out, because as they turned sharply, they did so with enough force to throw open the back of the trailer,
And then the chaos ran rampant.
ÉÉÉ
As roll after roll of toilet paper flew into the roads, the various racers found themselves under attack from small white cylindrical invaders, cars swerved left and right trying to dodge them as they piled up on their windshields.
One car that was not as lucky in evasion as the others was the ÔFashion-MobileÕ that had become even truer to its name as it was now completely overloaded.
ÒDammit Stacy! STEER!Ó Quinn yelled in a panic.
ÒShe just canÕt take it!Ó Stacy hyperventilated back ÒShe just canÕt do it, she doesnÕt have the power!Ó
As the Fashion clubbers faced an almost certain exit from the race in a potentially crunchy manner, the three JÕs looked out the window of RobertÕs car, then at each other, where they remained silent for a few seconds.
ÒFor the Greater God.Ó One said,
ÒFor the Greater Good.Ó The other two nodded in agreement before one of them leaned forwards and grabbed the steering wheel from an objecting Robert and swerved it into an intercepting path between the TP cascade and the Fashion Club.
This noble but ultimately misguided and downright imbecilic act of self sacrifice did mean however that they now had no way of seeing where they where going and ultimately they paid the price.
*CRASH*
DISCLAIMER: DonÕt worry folks, no one dies in this fic, they just get very bad boo booÕs. Now that IÕve committed yet another act of plagiarism lets move on shall we?
ÉÉÉ
The employee of the Quick stop stood in shock, he and his compatriot who worked in the adjoining video store had just stepped out to go to lunch, only to hear a noise and turn round to find a car embedded in his workplace, (still least it meant they could get new shutters, preferably without gum jammed in the locks) as he stood watching he took a deep breath and let out a cry ofÉ
ÒIÕM NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TODAY!Ó
ÒOh would you quit saying that? Whining like that is why this shit happens to you and never to me.Ó The employee of the adjacent RST video said with a grin that bordered on a sneerÉ
That was until a school bus crashed into his place of employment.
ÒYou where saying RaÉÓ
ÒShut up, just shut up.Ó
The two Clerks where interrupted by a figure getting out of the car and brushing the rubble of himself before approaching the first of the two Clerks (the one who looked like he had been to hell and back).
ÒPack of cigarettes, MaÕam.Ó
ÉÉÉ
In the wreckage of the RST video, Principal Li lifted her head from the steering wheel of the bus; thankfully no one had been injured (something Jane would be annoyed to hear when she learned Morris was without injury and everyone in school would be the same about Li)
ÒDammit, I thought these things where supposed to have airbagsÉÓ at which the principal was cut off by the sound of a delayed airbag inflating in accordance to one of the great laws of comedy, I mean, come one, hands up who didnÕt see that one coming?
ÒOh sheÕs gonna have a hard time convincing Superintendent Cartwright that sheÕs not insane now.Ó Morris commented as she watched the principal try to struggle her way out of an air bag.
ÒOOH the Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bits Movie!Ó Was BennetÕs contribution.
ÉÉÉ
ÒWow.Ó
At the exit to a small cafŽ stood Daria, Jane and Tom who had just left after grabbing a quick bite to eat. They had parked the car and gone in, placed their orders, eaten in peace, made a few bets about customers (to which Daria won naturally) and then got up to leave noting how peaceful it had been, obviously the cafe either had very impressive soundproofing on the walls or they where uncharacteristically oblivious to events outside.
ÒDAMMIT!Ó Yelled Jane, ÒWe stop for just TEN freaking minutes and we miss all the good stuff!Ó
ÒWell Jane, we still have a long way to SeattleÓ Tom said in a mock sympathetic voice, Òand IÕm sure we can have lots of fun in our next stop, New York, New York. You know they say its one hell of a town.Ó
ÒAfter these lot get through with itÓ Daria began one of her trademark one-liners Òit will be more like just Hell.Ó
She remained silent for a few seconds before resuming.
ÒWhat are we waiting for? Lets take a bite out the Big Apple. My god whatÕs happening to me.Ó
ÒCould it be your having fun?Ó Tom asked grinning as he started up the car.
ÒTragic,Ó Jane shook her head ÒAnd at such a young age as well.Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒHey Waz.Ó
ÒWhat is it Clovis?Ó
ÒYou used to come from New Jersey right? Before moving to Lawndale?Ó
ÒI recall living in such a place yes.Ó
ÒIt changed much since you left?Ó
Wasabi looked out the window at the site of a convenience store in ruins, Toilet Paper raining down and cars spinning and swerving all over the place in sheer chaos, he leaned back in his seat and lit up a herbal cigarette (which is not a joint despite what a lot of people always thought)
ÒNah itÕs pretty much how I remember it.Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒThis sucks Butt-head, weÕll never win now.Ó
ÒUhhhhÉ hang on Beavis I know a shortcut.Ó
And with that the truck made a turn and vanished off into the horizon where it along with its 2 dim-witted drivers where never heard from again (unless of course I change my mind later on in which case disregard that lineÉits called a ret-con, comics do it all the timeÉlook it up.)
ÉÉÉ
Racer 12 – ÔThe Yes MaÕamÕsÕ – Ford Mustang Convertible – ELIMINATED.
Racer 5 – ÔThe Laaawndale ExpressÕ – School Bus – ELIMINATED.
Racer 7 – ÔB&BÕ – Eighteen Wheeler – ELIMINATED?
End of chapter.
Chapter 4 – Blown away in a New York minuteÉor 2
Well I suppose its time for the obligatory pun about the racers entering their location with some sort of topical joke of some sort or otherÉonly problem is, at the moment all I can think of is to say that Òthe racers hit the town like a pair ofÉÓ in fact there is no way IÕm going to make the joke as IÕd like to go to New York again (preferably without going through as many security checks as last time)
So theyÕre in New York, I think I can safely assume most of you know where it is, if not then IÕm amazed youÕve gotten this far in the story (unless you clicked on the link at the start in confusion and if soÉeh what the hell, still one more person reading.)
Anyhow IÕm sure this tendency of mine to ramble incoherently between actual plot progression and other random stuff is getting a bit irritating,
ÉÉÉ
ÒNew York, New YorkÓ
ÒTom?Ó
ÒI want to wake up in the city
that never sleepsÓ
ÒYes Daria?Ó
ÒTo find IÕm kiÉqueen of the
hill, top of the
heapÓ
ÒI know you probably donÕt want to ruin the seats so how about if Jane doesnÕt stop singing, instead of stabbing her we just throw her out as we pass the river?Ó
ÒAgreedÓ
ÒThese little toÉ waittaminuteÉok, ok IÕll stop.Ó Jane said, breaking the song, before adding under her breath; Òphilistines.Ó
ÒIts not our fault youÕre a terrible singer Jane.Ó
ÒDaria, tell this man that my singing isnÕt always that bad.Ó
ÒSheÕs right TomÉusually its worse.Ó
ÒHEY!Ó
ÒSorryÉmuch worse.Ó
ÉÉÉ
Jodie stood at the counter of the convenience store and nervously patted her racing suit; they only needed Brittney to wear one so why had she decided to wear one of these as well?
It wasnÕt to make Brittney comfortable about wearing hers that was for sure, hell, Brittney needed little coaxing for this idea, mainly as she wanted to get back at Kevin for something (Jodie didnÕt want to know for 2 reasons, 1) she didnÕt care and 2) she didnÕt care, I realise they are the same reason but I thought that it was so important it needed saying twice) Brittney would have been willing to wear a g-string bikini for this race to do thatÉonly Jodie didnÕt want to be responsible for causing the biggest car pile-up since some idiot jumped out a cars trunk into the path of a truck a year or so back.
ÒBrittney I think I forgot my wallet, can I lend a couple of bucks from you please?Ó
ÒSure!Ó Brittney exclaimed before reaching into her bra for the cash, people often wondered how Brittney often managed to pay for things despite never carrying a purse, Jane would never realise how right she was when jealously she once remarked that BrittneyÕs chest paid for everything.
Jodie may have rolled her eyes but when she looked back, her jaw dropped, BrittneyÕs arm was somehow in up its elbow, which caused Jodie to just stare for a while before the light of realisation dawned upon her:
ÒOhÉit's bigger on the inside."
ÒAyaiyah Poopietrim!Ó Was the next thing Jodie said, albeit this was more of a random noise of exclamation people make when waking up as opposed to some form of coherent speech (And people say movies teach you nothing).
Jodie looked around to find herself laying in the back seat of her fathers ÔborrowedÕ Jaguar, with her purchases from the convenience store (or at least the remnants) on the floor of the car.
ÒOf course it must have been a dreamÉBrittneyÕs not wearing a bra.Ó
Now before some of you start getting sordid ideas about this (or at least donÕt get any worse ideas than youÕve already been having) the reason Jodie knows this is not because of some illicit encounter between the two (people please donÕt all sigh in disappointment at once) but because Britney had complained about losing it somewhere.
Jodie hadnÕt the heart to tell her she originally saw it back in the Le Grande hotel hanging from the hat of that weird retro obsessed guyÉalbeit she later saw it attached to the aerial of Upchucks ÔLove machineÕ where it was flapping majestically in the wind like some sort of pirate flag.
Deciding that her friend did not have a bosom like the TARDIS (IÕm afraid decency wins out over alliteration here this time) she began to climb into the passenger seat, only to stop when she saw BrittneyÕs arm vanishing down her cleavage to past the elbow.
ÒWHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!Ó Jodie yelled in shock in an almost out-of-character example of surprise.
ÒWhat?Ó Brittney replied casually, ÒMy belly itches.Ó She showed as she unzipped the outfit even more to show this.
ÒOh right, ÉsorryÓ Jodie replied, more than mildly embarrassed, stopping to look up as she heard several sounds of tires screeching and metal colliding.
ÒErm Brit better zip upÉyouÕre doing it again.Ó
And now I think we shall move on to give someone else time shine because as much as IÕd just love to write an entire whole chapter of jokes about BrittneyÕs assets, it would be way too much of a handful to manage (and yes you can all feel free to groan at that one
ÉÉÉ
ÒIt seems weÕve made it this far intact Clovis.Ó
ÒIndeed we have, my friend, I think we can shave some time off our journey if we take a detour through Grand Central station.Ó
There was a general air of silence in the mini
ÒClovis, I think you had a slip of the tongue there, I thought you said a detour THROUGH Grand Central.Ó
There was another silence, except shorter which ended with Clovis breaking into a slightly manic grin, ÒI did.Ó
Before anyone could say anything else, the car took a sharp turn, down into the aforementioned train station, as the vehicle vanished down the stairs, all that could be heard was a long string of Japanese obscenities (and believe me, even non-speakers of Japanese would know they where obscenities.)
ÉÉÉ
ÒIÕm bored Charles.Ó Ted said, ÒDo you have anything to read?Ó
Upchuck once again rolled his eyes, more in amusement than frustration, he had begun to warm to Ted during the trip, maybe it was their shared Geekiness (albeit on opposite ends of the Geek spectrum) so he decided he should give him a second chanceÉthe fact he was probably the only student who had gotten a date out of Daria also meant he could no doubt get a few pointers (everyone knew Robert didnÕt count.)
ÒHereÓ he said, reaching over into his backpack and removing an issue of Spiderman, Òhow about this?Ó
ÒArenÕt you afraid IÕll lose it like your magazine?Ó
ÒEh, its from the Clone Saga, it wont be missed.Ó
ÒOh OkayÉYou know my parents always told me that comic books contained nothing corrupting material like vivacious voluptuous women in such skimpy outfits they where near naked!Ó
Upchuck merely replied; ÒGod Bless America!Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒJenniferÓ
ÒYeah?Ó
ÒI would just like to make it clear that IÕm blaming you for this.Ó
The previous conversation was being muttered between the two incognito drivers of the false police car. The reasons for this stealth conversation where sitting in the back.
ÒI would like to thank you two again, its good to see a pair of young upstanding officers stopping to help out a pair of fellow law enforcers.Ó Said Agent Flemming.
ÒI still say there is something odd about them.Ó Bork muttered under his breath.
ÒNot now BorkÓ Flemming snarled back,
Back in the front seat Casey continued to glare at his partner ÒI am neverÉEVER letting you drive again!Ó
ÒWell we couldnÕt just leave them thereÉI think their armed, besidesÓ Jennifer replied, ÒWhatÕs the worse that could happen?Ó
ÒYou JUST HAD to say that didnÕt you?Ó
ÉÉÉ
Amy Barksdale sighed as she continued to drive, maybe she shouldnÕt have done this alone, she was getting kind of bored, after all she couldnÕt really bring a book with her for this after all (As much as it was amusing watching others wind up falling victim to their own stupidity she would prefer not to be associated with them in the same category).
Still at least she got to see some sights and New York certainly had its advantages.
One of which was sat at a table of a cafŽ, blissfully unaware of the surprise that fate had in store for him.
Amy saw this and grinned as she checked the glove compartment for the length of rope and the duct tape, now she remembered why she went solo on this race.
After all kidnapping a Hollywood actor was something you want to enjoy privately.
ÉÉÉ
Out on the streets of NY, a black van was hurtling down the streets at an amazing speed; the fact it was staying in one piece was even more amazing.
ÒI canÕt believe we forgot about this.Ó Nick yelled out.
ÒWell youÕre the one who wanted second helpings at the diner!Ó Max retorted.
Trent was putting the peddle to the metal so was unable to divert his focus away from the road to involve himself in the conversation, so it had more or less descended into another shrieking match between Max and Nick. Still there was something niggling away at his head.
ÒGuys did we forget something?Ó
They where all silent for a moment before it finally dawned on them.
ÒTHE ONIONS RINGS!Ó The three yelled together.
ÉÉÉ
Checking back in on Ted and Upchuck, it seems the comics had the effect of helping them to bond geek to geek and where now, like Jane, singing the song they both associated with New York the most:
ÒSpiderman, Spiderman,Ó
ÒDoes whatever a spider canÒ
ÒSpins a web, any size,Ò
ÒCatches thieves just like
fliesÒ
ÒLook Out!Ó
ÒHere comes the Spiderman.Ó Upchuck finished the song
cheerfullyÉ
ÒNo I mean actually LOOK OUT!Ó Ted corrected his comrade as Upchuck swiftly swerved the car, narrowly avoiding an oncoming vehicleÉwhat looked like a red Triumph followed by several police cars.
ÒSayÉÓ Ted wondered, ÒWas that Ralph Fiennes?Ó
ÒI believe its pronounced ÔRafeÕ actually,Ó Upchuck corrected.
ÉÉÉ
ÒHuh thatÕs odd.Ó Daria said as she hung up the cell phone,
ÒWrong number?Ó Jane asked, Daria had borrowed TomÕs cell phone to check how her Aunt Amy was doing (and to see if she was ahead of them or not.)
ÒMust be, all I got was what sounded like the muffled sound of some English guy yelling madly before I got cut off.Ó
ÒMaybe you called Clovis by accident?Ó Tom said as he switched on the radio.
ÒMaybeÉÓ Daria replied but paused when she heard the radio:
ÒThis just in, Hollywood actor Ralph Fiennes has just been kidnapped in broad daylight by a woman in a red sportscar.Ó
ÒÉOr maybe not.Ó Daria finished; there went her belief of there being at least one sane person in her family.
ÒYou know IÕm sure ÔRafeÕ is how its supposed to be pronounced.Ó Was JaneÕs contribution.
ÉÉÉ
ÒYou just had to, you just had to say IT!Ó Casey said while scowling at his team-mate, ÒWell this is no doubt NOT the worst thing that could have happened to us but it is damn well a close runner up!Ó
The reasons for his anger can be deduced by backtracking about 2 sections to our little musical interlude courtesy of Monsieur Dewitt-Clinton and Ruttenheimer, more specifically the line about a red Triumph (and if you havenÕt figured out who that belongs to then IÕm disappointed) that was followed by (and this is the important bit) several police cars, now if you recall what it is these two are driving and who their passengers are, I think you can see why he would be angry.
ÒDAMMIT CANÕT THIS THING GO ANY FASTER?Ó Agent Flemming yelled at the top of his voice, ÒWE GOT ONE OF THOSE DAMN WORSE-THAN-TERRORISTÕS RACERS IN OUR SIGHTS!Ó
ÒAnd she kidnapped Ralph FiennesÉÓ Jennifer added, (and I swear this is the last time IÕll be using this joke, promise)
ÒActuallyÓ Bork prepared to correct her ÒI think its pronounced RaÉÓ
ÒNOT NOW BORK!Ó Flemming yelled, thereby saving you all from a Ôthose paintball thingies hurtÕ moment, ÒDoesnÕt this thing have Nitrous? It didnÕt take us this long to catch Dillinger!Ó
ÒGood question, do we have Nitrous?Ó Casey muttered to his associate
ÒYeah 2 tanks, but I think the first one is faulty, it may end up flooding the car.Ó
ÒLight Bulb!Ó Was CaseyÕs response after a moments thought, with that he reached into the glove compartment and removed a pair of gas masks of all things, ÒPut these on.Ó
ÒDo I even want to know?Ó Jennifer said as she looked at the object.
ÒFigured as a back up plan we could put them on and say weÕre transporting a sample of nerve gas or something for evidence in a trialÉit was late at night and I hadnÕt slept ok?Ó
ÒWhatever.Ó She replied before putting on the mask,
Thankfully AgentÕs Bork and Flemming has been busy arguing about the latterÕs tendency to never give the former time to speak, something to do with the ÔWashington fiascoÕ being averted if he had just listened or something. Needless to say this convenient to the point of Deus Ex Machina argument left them blissfully unaware of what was about to befall them.
ÒOnce they lose consciousness we dump them at the nearest gas station, deal?Ó
ÒDeal.Ó
ÒThen at least we can put this episode behind us.Ó
ÒAt least it canÕt get any worse.Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒWhen this is all over I would have words with Aunt Amy.Ó Daria said, her usual deadpan voice trying to maintain control despite the growing nerves she was feeling.
ÒWell it was only a matter of time till the police got involvedÓ Commented Tom as he looked into the rear-view mirror,
ÒAnd at least their not chasing us, they could easily not notice us.Ó
ÒMaybeÓ Daria commented, with a hint of annoyance growing in her voice ÒIf we werenÕt doing well over double the speed limitÉhonestly given that this is New York means that the fact weÕre moving at more than a snails pace is a miracle unto itself.Ó
ÒStranger things have happened.Ó Jane commented, ÒI mean if we can hear about your Aunt kidnapping a known celebrity in broad daylight over the radio then anything can indeed happen.Ó
ÒSpeaking of which,Ó Tom said, ÒJane would you mind switching it off? ItÕs making it hard to concentrate.Ó
ÒSure.Ó
As Jane leaned forwards to switch of the radio, a bump was hit in the road, causing Jane to miss the radio and instead hit one of the buttons on the uncovered panel (end of chapter 2, look it up.)
FWOOOOOMPH! Was the noise made (including the !) by the sudden rocket that fired from a concealed panel at the back of the car.
ÒWow!Ó Was all Tom could say as it blew up a police carÉ
ÉÉÉ
ÒWow, glad that wasnÕt us.Ó Said Jennifer.
The two had watched the occupants of the recently detonated cop car jump out moments before the missile had hit (the thing did spend quite a lot of time swirling about on its way as opposed to moving in a straight line.)
Casey however was unable to reply, since he was outside the car, dragging the two giggling Agents out of the back of the car and leaving them at the roadside.
ÒHehehehehe, and because I was trying not to end the sentence with a hehehe prepopsition, hehehehehe you didnÕt listen to meÉÓ
ÒHahahahaha, and if I had, hah we would have caught them, and hahahah we wouldnÕt have screwed up like that and hahahahahahah glorified traffic cops.
The sat guffawing for several minutes before they both burst into tears as the grim realisation sank in.
However Casey and Jennifer saw none of this as they where long gone the first chance they got.
ÉÉÉ
Quinn yawned as she woke from her nap, they had decided that they should each take turns driving and let the others sleep at regular intervals to prevent them getting bags under their eyes, albeit their time planning their sleeping rota and other such things had meant they had to cut back on less important things such as route planning and gas but who cared about that?
ÒHeyyy QuinnÓ Tiffany drawled, Òaccording to Waif, thereÕs a big fashion show near here going on.Ó
ÒHuh how about that.Ó Quinn mumbled, still half asleep, Òwait a minuteÉÓ something then struck her about the situation that wasnÕt right, ÒTiffany youÕre reading!Ó
ÒYeah I can readÓ Tiffany frowned ÒIÕm not stupid you know.Ó
ÒTiffanyÉYOUÕRE THE ONE WHOÕS DRIVING!Ó
ÒOhhhh yeahhhhÉÓ
It was that point they say the upturned police car and had to swerve to avoid a collisions, by a colossal million to one chance (which of course pop up nine times out of ten) they wound up crashing through the doorway of a fancy looking building, coming to a stop in the middle of the previously mentioned Waif fashion show (oh the irony.)
Quinn and Tiffany sat in stunned silence wondering how they where going to break the news to Sandi about what had just happened and how here mothers car had become a casualty of a war it had nothing to do with (doesnÕt make much sense I admit but since Clerks IÕve wanted to use that line.)
ÒStuff youÕre Gibbon!Ó Sandi yelled as she woke suddenly, ÒHuhÉwhy am I in a fashion show, is this a dream?Ó
Quinn and Tiffany looked at each other for a few seconds, before turning to their friend
ÒYes.Ó They said simultaneously.
ÉÉÉ
Anthony DeMartino watched the current road-bound chaos from his vehicle and laughed, those poor fools may have laughed at his choice and transport, but he was sure that once they realised his vehicle was capable of aquatic transport the smiles would be wiped from their faces.
He had driven the said vehicle into the Hudson river earlier and was finding himself making great time due to the fact all the maniacs on the road where chasing, crashing, and exploding, leaving him on his own to enjoy the ride.
ÒAh it shall be SMOOTH sailing from NOW on Anthony.Ó He said before laughing once again.
ÒCoolÓ said Jesse.
Anthony stopped dead in his tracks and slowly turned around.
ÒÉWHAT the HELL are you DOING in MY vehicle?Ó
Jesse looked around for what seemed like several minutes, the gears (all two of them) obviously very slowly turning inside his skull.
ÒUh-OhÉwrong car.Ó He finally said after much analysis.
DeMartinoÕs jaw dropped at the sight, he never thought he would see the day that someone dumber than Kevin would appear. And to think this guy was in High School BEFORE Kevin, meaning that the students had actually begun to get smarter, the thought of such a thing began to rekindle hope in himÉthen he realised that by the time the students developed average intellect, he would have snuffed it long ago (and knowing LiÕ he would have been stuffed and mounted as a biology aid.)
ÉÉÉ
Daria, Jane and Tom had remained silent since the missile incident, they had all been staring at the buttons in the dashboard, and eventually Daria finally spoke.
ÒTom, what the HELL did your grandfather do?Ó
ÒCan we press another one?Ó Was JaneÕs question.
ÉÉÉ
Up at Seattle, Noah Barkman looked at the results of the race on his laptop, clearly paying to have the roads of NY closed for the day had certainly helped. As he leaned back in the chair, he thought to himself, he supposed he should start looking through the bills for this venture and see how much it had set him back.
It was then Jake ran through with several red and white card buckets under his arms, ÒHey Noah, one of the maids told us that a bunch of guys have gotten stoned and locked themselves on their balcony, so me and the guys are going to go and eat chicken wings at them for a while, I got a spare bucket, you wanna come along?Ó
It could wait.
ÉÉÉ
Racer 11 – ÔSingle Bored FemaleÕ – Triumph Spitfire – ELIMINATED?
Racer 9 – ÔThe Fashion MobileÕ – Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder – ELIMINATED.
End of chapter.
Chapter 5: The Obligatory Fifth Chapter.
Well weÕve made it this far; since we last left them the racers continued on their merry way, no doubt leaving chaos in their wake, and are now in (or around) the Connecticut areaÉwell most of them anyhow, but hey, itÕs better than nothing and at least weÕve avoided any fatalities (so far).
So lets sit back and enjoy some of the highlights of the current leg of the race, all the thrills, spills, smashes, crashes and any other form of mayhem my deranged mind can come up with.
ÉÉÉ
Such as the events that shall unfold in a small bookstore, that is hosting a book signing for a certain authorÕs debut childrenÕs novel.
ÒGoddamn Harry Potter!Ó The manager cursed under his breath.
ÒPardon sir?Ó
ÒEver since that damn book came out,Ó the manager continued to his underling, Òevery yahoo and freak who ever held a pencil has tried to cash in on the whole lucrative childrenÕs book deal.Ó
He snorted through his nose before continuing, ÒHence this weirdo we got stuck with whose ÔmasterpieceÕ is to be unleashed on the unwitting public here today.Ó
ÒYou mean ÔThe Penguins and the Possum; a Magical Tale of Angst and More AngstÕ by RogeÉÓ
ÒYeah that piece of crap,Ó the managed interrupted, Òdamn things been banned in nearly every other civilised country for being a suicide risk its so damn angst-filledÉman IÕd hate to see what effect his other stuff has on people.Ó
ÒWell boss, judging from the lack of people turning up for this I donÕt think we have to worry.Ó
This was no doubt an accurate statement due to the fact that there at the moment less than a dozen people where in line. As the first person approached the author, his face fellÉ
ÒAw man, they said it was gonna be the James Bond guy doing this.Ó
At this the entire line gave a sigh of disappointment and all proceeded to leave, causing the somewhat crestfallen and irate author to jump to his feet and let out a mighty yell:
ÒTHERES A LETTER E IN IT AS WELL! LOOK IT UP IN THE ALPHABET, IT COMES AFTER D AND BEFORE FÉÓ
However his ranting was cut short by the sudden emergence of an ice cream truck smashing through the pile of books and leaving through the other side of the store, leaving the author not only in a stunned silence but also covered in rogue ice cream s.
ÒWhy you, I oughtaÉooh penguin-popsicles!Ó
ÉÉÉ
Now that I have no doubt managed to incur the wrath of one of the more well-known and prolific members of the Daria fandom I shall move on (and so you know, Dr Mike asked me to do the aboveÉthere now my arse is covered.)
ÉÉÉ
In the back of the ice cream truck we just saw demolish a bookstore (they sure donÕt make em like they used to) Mack woke up with a start,
ÒKevin drive carefully, I think you nearly hit something.Ó
ÒHuh?Ó A voice on the other side of the van said as Kevin also awoke and sat up, the reason for his obscurement (is that even a word?) from his compatriot was due to a large object in the middle of the van that was obscured by a sheet that Mack had expressly forbade Kevin from touching.
Now that bit of heavy-handed foreshadowing is out of the way let me continue.
ÒKevin?Ó Mack said in shock, ÒyouÕre supposed to be driving so what the hell are you doing?Ó
ÒCatching some ZÕs man,Ó he replied, Òbut donÕt worry, I got someone else to cover for me so weÕre all fine.Ó
ÒWhat? Who could you have gotten toÉoh noÉÓ
ÒOOK!Ó
ÉÉÉ
Tom Sloane blinked repeatedly as he looked away from the window, he better stop for some rest again and soon since it looked like he was starting to see things.
He could have sworn that he had just been overtaken by an Orang-Utan driving an ice cream truck.
Shaking his head in bemusement he began to focus on the conversation Daria and Jane where having as a means to take his mind off the previous image.
ÒÉAnd then obviously would come one of the biggest shopping sprees at Ôbooks by the tonÕ before buying ÔChez PierreÕ and having them only serve junk food. And you?Ó
ÒWell AmigaÉa third of a million could buy a lot of art suppliesÉÓ
ÒWhat are you two talking about?Ó Tom enquired, curious.
ÒWeÕre discussing what to do with our share of the prize money for if we win.Ó
ÒWhat share?Ó Tom asked confused, ÒIÕve been doing all the work in this race here, you two havenÕt actually done anythingÉok Jane blew up a cop car but that doesnÕt count.Ó
ÒTomÓ Daria spoke in a calm manner, Òdo you want Elsie to find out aboutÉÓ
ÒOhh THAT share of the prize.Ó Tom said, changing tone but barely missing a beat, Òthat one, of courseÉÉÉhmmmÓ
There was silence in the car until Daria finally spoke up again.
ÒTom get your hand away from the ejector seat button.Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒBork have I told you how much I hate these damn racers?Ó
ÒEvery 3.2 seconds sir.Ó
ÒWell I doÓ Flemming continued unabated, ÒTheir making the Grimes Duo seem like a walk in the park. I mean first they run us off the road, they wind up tricking us into entering, then they drive over the speed limit all the time so we canÕt catch up, they drive over our car, then they pose as police officers and then dope us up on Nitrous and dump us in New York.Ó
ÒYes sir, God only knows how weÕre going to pay the fare on this cab.Ó
ÒDonÕt blaspheme BorkÓ which we all agree is a bit pot-kettle-black, ÒweÕll just show him our badges and explain weÕre GTA. Getting back to the matter at hand, IÕm amazed at how quickly they outwitted our inside men, I mean those two managed to outwit the entire US intelligence so we know their good.Ó
ÒOr just that weÕre very, VERY stupid.Ó Was that Bork wanted to say but only managed a ÒYes Sir.Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒYou know Casey, maybe ditching those feds wasnÕt such a bright idea, I mean what if they hold a grudge?Ó
ÒNot a problem Jennifer,Ó Casey said from the passenger seat while hunched over something resting on his knee, Òits not like theyÕll be able to do anythingÉThere we goÓ he said as he finished what he was doing and sat up, Òespecially not without their badges.
And with that he held out a pair of purloined Government Traffic Alliance badges that had been doctored to look like belonged to OfficerÕs Reynolds and DeLuise.
Jennifer looked at them, impressed given that he had done such a good job with only the stuff he had in the glove compartment,
ÒWhere do you get your wonderful toys?Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒTell me chief,Ó Bork asked calmly as he walked along the side of the highway ÒDoes it take practice to be able to be so catastrophically wrong all the time or does it just come naturally?Ó
ÒShut up BorkÓ Flemming snapped back, as he continued ahead of his partner, Òand how was I supposed to know heÕd react like that?Ó
ÒWell when you said we where GTA I assume he got the wrong idea, that would explain the screaming and the pulling of the gun.Ó
ÒI suppose we should be grateful you pulled your gun on him firstÓ Flemming conceded. ÒGave us a chance to get out before he did anything stupid.Ó
ÒAnd we wouldnÕt want anyone encroaching on your territory would we?Ó Was what Bork would have said, but since he had already pressed his luck once he decided not to risk it, instead playing it safe with a Òso what now?Ó
ÒWe wait till a suitable vehicle approaches and commandeer it, IÕm sure we can find someone more accommodating than that cab driver.Ó
It was at this point Bork was grateful that he had packed a Kevlar vest.
ÉÉÉ
Now would come the point where I would use the same sort of jokes and references to describe their journey through Rhode Island in much the same way IÕve done about some of the other places, but since all I know about that place is it has a chicken it must be cut short.
And since they did nothing of interest there anyhow I suppose I shall just move us onto the place where interesting things did happen, which happens to be the Massachusetts area.
ÉÉÉ
Clovis looked out the window of his car at the surrounding area, Òhey Waz, we had better be careful here, I donÕt think weÕd be welcome again ever since the Boston incidentÓ
ÒYeahÉ Ò Wasabi said while looking out the window before pausing Òwait a minute Clovis, WHAT Boston incident?Ó
ÒYou knowÓ Clovis said rolling his eyes, Òthe one where we got hired to work on that kung fu Shakespeare play and blew up half the stage.Ó He tskÕed irritated, Òfrankly IÕm amazed you could forget.Ó
Wasabi looked to the back at the younger Lee-Daniels sibling who just shrugged, he sighed and began to reach into his pocket while he continued,
Ò...Erm, that NEVER happened Clovis.Ó
Ò Oh...bloody hell you mean I'm picking up vibrational frequencies from a parallel dimension again?Ó
ÒIf by that you mean your hallucinating from lack of sleep then yes.Ó Wasabi replied as he fished his lighter and a ÔcigÕ out his pocket.
ÉÉÉ
Back in the vehicle of Our Heroine (who as Tom did point out earlier, hasnÕt really done anything since the start of this fic so the title may be unjustified this time) Jane began to whisper to her friend;
ÒHey Daria, what is it heÓ she motioned towards Tom ÒdoesnÕt want Elsie to find out about anyhow?
Daria glanced around before whispering back ÒHe once needed to make some last minute maintenance to the car and had to ÔborrowÕ one of his sisterÕs bras to fix itÉleast that was his excuse.Ó
Jane was about to respond when the sudden ejection of the empty passenger seat via the top of the car both caused them to remain silent, they did however both begin to glare at Tom.
Tom grinned sheepishly before speaking, ÒI was aiming for the windshield wipers.Ó He then muttered under his breath ÒDammit.Ó
ÉÉÉ
Now moving on to a different group of racers we find ourselves in the statistical anomaly on wheels that is ÔThe TankÕ who had recovered their erstwhile member when Mr DeMartino had passed them in a diner and rather unceremoniously dumped Jesse on the sidewalk.
ÒOKÓ Max said as he looked at the map ÒAccording to this map, all we gotta do is a take a right and just keep on going and weÕll be on Route 66.Ó
ÒAre you sure man?Ó Trent asked as he made the right turn, ÒI mean that is the map you bought off that weird guy who claimed he taught OZZY how to bite the head off a bat.Ó
ÒHey man, he was there, you werenÕtÓ Max angrily retorted.
Nick; who had remained silent for a while now finally spoke up, Òguys thereÕs a wall!Ó
ÒAnd soon it will fallÓ Max continued
ÒToo radical man.Ó Trent pointed out.
ÒItÕs really tallÓ Jesse came up.
ÒToo simpleÓ Trent again pointed out the flaw.
ÒITS GONNA KILL US ALL!Ó Nick spoke again.
ÒToo many syllables manÉoh.Ó It was at this point Trent and the others realised that their friend wasnÕt suggesting lyrics but was actually talking about the brick wall they where approaching.
Fortunately the wall was that of a music club that had really skimped on the maintenance budget in favour of hiring more better-known bands than the competition. This meant ÒThe TankÓ acted much like its namesake and smashed through the bricks,
Jesse being the first one to emerge from the damaged van looked down on the stage at the groaning figures lying prostate.
ÒOoh Cake!Ó
ÉÉÉ
Back in the Jaguar they had managed to find and put back the ejected seat, this was good since it meant that Tom was able to sleep in the back (he didnÕt want to see the Orang-Utan again) with Daria driving (as nervous as she was, they had decided it was time she finally did something to earn a share of the prize) and Jane in the passenger seat (they decided the police car DID countÉmainly to stop her trying more buttons).
ÒSo anyway Amiga.Ó Jane began to speak, obviously not a fan of silence.
ÒWhatÕs the relation-situation with you two at present time? She asked.
When Daria looked like she was unlikely to respond she decided to press on, Òonly itÕs getting kind of hard to keep up to speed since you two break up and get back together more than both Kevin & Brittney and Trent & Monique combined.Ó
Daria had remained intently focused on the road without any sign of activity for the duration of JaneÕs interrogation. Whether this was trying to ignore Jane or simply because she didnÕt want to risk any accidents on the road is up for debate. However her hand had begun to stray towards the console of buttons.
ÒDonÕt do it Daria, sheÕs not worth the trouble of putting the seat back in.Ó Tom muttered from the back seat.
ÉÉÉ
ÒThis is just getting ridiculous!Ó Yelled agent Flemming as he stood up from behind the overturned car he and Bork where using for cover, as he let out a hail of bullets at the yellow bus which was heartily returning fire he continued, ÒHow the hell was I supposed to know a bus of kids was so heavily armed?Ó
ÒGee chief donÕt you know what kids today are capable of?Ó Bork calmly asked, as he fished in his pocket for his cell phone, at the same time savouring the irony of his words, ÒdonÕt you read the papers?Ó
ÒThe whole God-Damned world is against us Bork I Swear to God!Ó Flemming screamed as he ducked down to reload.
ÒThat I can believeÓ Bork said as he finally recovered his phone and began to dial, ÒHello Agent Hurley? ÉYeah its Bork, Éwe need a lift, Éoh just look for the sound of gunfireÉI wish I was jokingÉyes that should do fine as long as its got wheels I donÕt careÉÉyes bring your rubber gloves.Ó Bork glared at the figure next to him Òby the end of this someone is going to get a cavity search.Ó
ÉÉÉ
We find ourselves once more back at the Jaguar and yes I realise IÕve been using these three a lot this chapter, but hey for the supposed main characters of the show this fanfic is based off they sure havenÕt done much previously so I need to balance it out a little.
Tom sat up in the back suddenly, Òare those gunshots I hear?Ó
ÒYes they are.Ó Daria said, with a hint of nerves, Òseems some idiots started a gunfight up ahead, now what do we do?Ó
ÒI could press buttons at random?Ó Jane said eagerly.
But a ÒNO!Ó From both Daria and Tom ruled against such a plan.
ÉÉÉ
ÒSounds liked gunfire Jodie, you think we should take a different route?Ó
ÒWell Brittney unless those cannonballs of yours can deflect bullets then I think thatÕs the smartest idea youÕve had sinceÉwell ever actually.Ó
While they detoured around the mini-war zone that had sprung up around them Brittney sat in silence for some time, obviously lost in thought
ÒYou know Jodie,Ó she finally said as she twirled her finger around her hair, ÒyouÕve been acting differently ever since we started this race.Ó
ÒCall it the freedom of the open road Brittney my friendÓ Jodie replied as she stretched back in her seat, ÒthereÕs nothing to worry about here so I can do and say what I please,Ó she grinned dreamily as she continued, ÒI mean, there are no extra-curricular activities, no parents, no homework, and no teachersÉÓ
ÒWell except for Mr DeMartino.Ó Brittney interrupted as she pointed at the slightly bullet-ridden D.U.K.W. that had emerged from the area of the gunfight, sat at the wheel was indeed their history teacher, looking slightly like he had undergone a ÔNam flashback.
ÒLooks like he had a good time.Ó Jodie commented as the sound of manic laughter died down as the vehicle took a different turning to themselves.
ÒThink we should tell him he was leaking gas?Ó
ÒNahÉheÕll find out eventually.Ó
ÉÉÉ
Wasabi looked out the window of the mini and saw a familiar looking rust-ridden Jaguar not moving at the side of the road with a tuxedo clad figure leaning on the side.
ÒClovis, stop for a sec will ya?Ó
Clovis obliged and pulled up alongside their friendÕs car, he then stuck his head out of the sunroof, ÒCar trouble mates?Ó
ÒMore like driver troubleÓ Tom replied with a shrug, ÒSeems thereÕs a gunfight up ahead and the sound has caused Daria to more or less freeze up. SheÕs refusing to so much as budge until the sound stops.Ó
ÒSeems you could use some help then,Ó Wasabi spoke as he stroked his chin thoughtfully, ÒGot it!Ó He snapped his fingers as an idea hit him, ÒCarlotta be a dear and fetch me the shotgun from the trunk would you? Clovis you may want to put your headphones in.Ó
ÒYouÕre not suggesting driving on ahead all guns blazing are you?Ó Carlotta enquired as she tossed the shotgun to Wasabi, ÒI mean I know my brother has done a lot of work on this thing but it canÕt be bullet-proof.Ó
ÒYouÕd think that wouldnÕt youÓ Wasabi said calmly as he took a pair of shells from a belt hidden under his shirt, ÒBut donÕt worry I donÕt plan on solving this problem in such a mannerÉnot yet anyhow.Ó With that he approached the car and tapped on the window.
As Daria wound down the window, oblivious to what had been going on around her, this meant she gave her full focus to what Wasabi was about to sayÉ
KABOOOOOOOOM!
ÉWhich meant the (surprisingly) loud sound made when Wasabi fired his shotgun into the air scared her enough to completely floor the gas-pedal meaning the car shot off like light speed.
ÒSometimes the simplest solutions are often the best.Ó Wasabi said as he removed the ÔNoisemakerÕ rounds and replaced them with rock-salt rounds (Wasabi always carried a large variety of ammunition types for every sort of occasion).
ÒThatÕs as maybeÉÓ Tom said as he watched the car vanish into the horizon ÒBut I think you two owe me a lift until we catch up ourselves.Ó
ÉÉÉ
Now since IÕm slightly over-running on time for this chapter, IÕll have to just plain tell you a few things now, Tom wound up back in the drivers seat of his car, although he did have to jump in through the still open drivers seat window, Clovis wasnÕt willing to stop or slow down a second time.
Also the prospect of making his best friend jump from one speeding car to another during a gunfight was just too good a chance to miss.
They both made it past the gunfight unharmed (although Wasabi did blast a shell or two of rock-salt in the direction of Bork and Flemming) and the gunfight did begin to slow down, without fatalities (this is mainly as Flemming never took his shades off and the kids just had no idea how to use their guns) although several shop signs where casualties.
ÉÉÉ
In the Jaguar, Daria sat in the back seat after Tom had dived through the open window, meaning one of them had to move; she had been sat in silence since they had left the gunfight (which had finally shown signs of slowing down.)
ÒI suppose setting off both the smoke-screen and the oil-slick was a good way of stopping those people from shooting at each other.Ó She eventually spoke up.
ÒYeahÓ Tom commented before muttering to Jane, Òtoo bad this time we really where looking for the windshield wipers.Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒWhat the hell happened here Chief?Ó Agent Hurley asked as she surveyed the chaos around her,
ÒUuuuurghÓ Was all Flemming was able to groan meaning it fell to Bork to explain.
ÒWell the chief wound up causing a gun-fight with a bunch of school-kidsÉdonÕt ask, and then it gets worse, first some nutcase in a boat on wheels shot past, then some small red thing went past and a guy emptied a shotgun of rock-salt at us, the chief took the worst of it, thatÕs why we need to lie him on his front, he wont be sitting down for a while, and lastly some rust-bucket set off a smoke-screen and oil-slick that nearly made you crash into us,Ó Bork sighed Òthe sooner we get to Seattle the better, I feel like IÕm three days away from retirement.
ÉÉÉ
And on that note we end another glorious chapter, stay tuned for further mayhem.
ÉÉÉ
Racer 2 – ÔÉBut weÕre
Thinking of Changing Our NameÕ – Chevrolet van – ELIMINATED
End of chapter.
Chapter 6 – The Chicago Way in Detroit Rock City.
You wanna know how you write this stuff? Here's how, they pull a shipper-fic, you pull an angst-fic. He sends one of yours favourite characters to the Chapel, you send one of his to the Asylum. That's the Chicago way, and that's how you get Fic Done!É
IÕm sorry I donÕt quite know what came over me there, the local ÔambienceÕ of entering Chicago coupled with a mild case of writers block had some unforeseen side effects, if youÕll excuse me weÕll continue with the fic while I go see about this overpowering urge to bring down Al CaponeÉ
ÉÉÉ
Moving swiftly on to some more mayhem in between our racers having deep insightful discussions covering a wide variety of subjects and opinionsÉ
ÒNo Kevin Chicagoland is NOT a gangster style theme park,
even a monkey knows that!Ó
ÒOOK!Ó
ÒNo Offence.Ó
ÉOk maybe not all the time.
ÉÉÉ
Elsewhere at the entrance to the ÔField Museum of Natural HistoryÕ if you where to stand and observe the place for the next few minutes you would behold an interesting site;
Mainly as suddenly there came the sound of much bedlam, a sound not unlike the worlds largest T-Rex skeleton falling down (IÕll give you 3 guesses as to why) a healthy dose of obscenities and finally the sound of breaking glass.
A large boat like vehicle bursting out through the doors and tearing down the street was what struck the last chord in this symphony of destruction.
ÒSORRY about the GIFT shop!Ó DeMartino yelled as he glanced over his shoulder, this caused him to notice the small trail of gasoline dripping from the back of his vehicle.
ÒAW DAMMIT!Ó He yelled, obviously duct tape wasnÕt the Ôbe all and end allÕ it was hyped up as being when he tried to fix the bullet hole.
He let out a grunt of irritation as he reached for his phone; desperate times call for desperate measures.
He prepared to dial a number but stopped when he realised he was holding onto a dinosaur bone.
ÒHEH, a little PIECE of HISTORY to take HOME and CALL my OWNÓ he said before tossing it into the back and managing to fish out his phone from amongst the assorted food and debris in the vehicle and dialled a number he knew should only be called in case of an emergency.
ÒBuck? Yeah its Anthony, remember that business back in Bogot‡? Well IÕm calling in a solid ÔYou Owe MeÕ hereÉÓ
ÉÉÉ
Elsewhere a Black LTD was parked outside a small diner, 2 figures left, one female, and one male, both somewhat reluctant to go to the car.
ÒYou sure stopping was a good idea Bork? I mean the Chief was pretty steamed when he stormed outÉÓ
ÒLook the Chief dragged me off on this insane crusade of his, and to be frank IÕm getting a little sick of him and following him around, and besidesÉÓ As they reached the car they stopped and looked at the grey haired figure at the door
ÒOpen, Dammit, Open.Ó Agent Flemming strained as he tried to open the locked car door to the drivers seat.
ÒÉIÕm beginning to think heÕs having a worse reaction to those painkillers than we thought.Ó Bork finished as he put his hands on FlemmingÕs shoulders and led him away from the door
ÒPrime, you said it would light our darkest hourÉÓ
ÒA much worse reaction.
ÉÉÉ
ÒYou know Tom.Ó Daria said in her usual deadpan (now fully recovered from the events of the previous chapterÉand with the amount of time I take between writing these damn things its no surprise) ÒWhen you said weÕd take in ÔThe Magnificent MileÕ I didnÕt realise you meant literallyÉÓ
She was cut off by a flyer wrapping itself around her in the face, one of many that was entering through the open windows of the Jaguar as they managed to cut a swathe through the various stands set up along the way. Daria struggled with the paper while the others paid it no heed.
ÒHey its not my fault someone misread the mapÓ Tom said before looking at Jane accusingly, ÒI mean having the map upside-down is one thing, that has comedy value, holding it at a 90 degree angle is just sloppy.Ó
ÒHey donÕt go looking at me like itÕs my fault just because it is my fault.Ó Jane snapped before pausing for a second while her brain caught up with what she had actually said, at which she decided to make a quick attempt at changing the subject.
ÒHey look at thisÓ she said as she snatched the flyer that Daria had just managed to succeed in removing from her face Òsays here the John Hancock has the highest residents of any other building.Ó
ÒIt says highest residencies JaneÓ Daria replied, Òits not a Jesse sanctuary.Ó
ÒI swear sometimes the two of you argue and bicker so much IÕm amazed youÕre not dating each other.Ó Tom commented as he tried to use the wipers to clear the amassed papers off the windshield (incidentally the incident of a sudden; yet non-fatal; explosion at the Palmolive building is still baffling police. Although a small group of mobsters holding a meeting outside where convinced it was an attack meant for them.)
Daria just looked at Jane for a few seconds before she finally spoke, ÒEven if she was a guy it would never work out.Ó
ÉÉÉ
At yet another location in Chicago, this time a cemetery, the scene is sombre, silent, quiet as the grave to use a somewhat clichŽ yet fitting term to describe it.
All of which is ruined as a red min cooper shot nay ploughed through it at high speeds.
"Dude I think you just wiped out half this elections voters!" Wasabi exclaimed as he realised that ClovisÕs shortcuts made him a danger to both the living and the dead.
ÒEh they ainÕt getting any bloody deader.Ó
ÒI swear letting you drive is going to be the greatest mistake of my lifeÉmainly as I donÕt see myself living long enough to make more.Ó
ÒOut of curiosity,Ó Carlotta enquired, ÒWhy are you letting my brain-blitzed brother drive anyway? I thought there was a court order saying he was forbidden from so much as even looking at a steering wheel?Ó
ÒTurns out the order was only good for one year and expired the day this race was announced, I tried to get the order redone but SOMEONE had broken into the safe I stored it and left nothing but a pile of ashes.Ó
ÒI blame the rise in ninja activityÉdamn those pesky ninja.Ó Clovis said while trying to hide the smirk on his face.
ÒThat and my Cruiser had to be repairedÉagain meaning that I had no choice other than entering with Clovis if I wanted to win.Ó
ÒSo you agreed on splitting the prize money with each other?Ó Carlotta asked?
At this point the car came to a screeching halt (which threw the two unprepared passengers forward with humorous results)
ÒTHEREÕS BLOODY PRIZE MONEY FOR THIS?
ÉÉÉ
Now moving quickly on before people realise I may have just violated several corpses with a small car for the sake of a few lines of jokesÉDAMMIT! Anyhow we now move forward as we follow the racers as they make it into Detroit, expect the usual.
ÉÉÉ
ÒHowÕs the Chief doing back there Hurley?Ó Bork asked from behind the wheel,
ÒLet me check.Ó
ÒÉI once had my 15 minutes of fame if you can call it that, before I joined the ATF I hoped to make it big as an actor, my big break was in 1959, when I co-starred in an unsold pilot about two importers, where we travelled the world for goods to sellÉbut the network didnÕt buy it and there it was, my career over like that, Do you know what it's like to fall in the mud and get kicked... in the head... with an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does. It never happens. It's a dumb question... skip it.Ó
ÒI think heÕs still out of it but getting close to normal.Ó
ÒGood, Chief shut up and let me drive in peace.Ó
ÒBORK!Ó Hurley let out an exclamation of shock Òyou canÕt talk to Chief like thatÉhe canÕt talk you like that Chief!Ó
ÒBut it's his ship now, his command. He's in charge, the boss, the head man, top dog, big cheese, a head honcho, number...Ó
Hurley thought long and hard about the distance to Seattle and what she would be putting up with.
ÒAre we there yet?Ó
ÉÉÉ
Further on down in Detroit, at the site of the historical MoTown records, Michael Jordan Mackenzie had stopped the ice-cream truck to take a break, he stood and looked at the site of the place that had done more for Black music than anywhere else, he thought of all the people who had careers made, had become accepted by people, and found fame and fortuneÉ
ÒYo Mack Daddy can we go yet?Ó
ÉOf course given that it meant they where partially responsible for him being lumbered with THAT nickname for so long, the effect was somewhat lost on him.
ÉÉÉ
ÒWow this place has everything.Ó
ÒSure does BritÓ Jodie replied as she made a swift detour through a local mall (hey everyone else was doing it so why not?)
ÒBy the way Jodie,Ó Brittney asked, ÒI was looking at our map and I noticed one of the places written and was wonderingÉÓ
ÒYes, Brittney Chicagoland IS a gangster style theme park,
even a monkey knows that!Ó
ÒEEP!Ó
ÒWhoa a Fence!Ó
ÉÉÉ
Over in Seattle, Noah Barkman looked at his laptop checking on the racers progress, so far all was going well, albeit a few more had eliminated themselves and it seemed like he would have to give a prize to anyone who so much as crossed the finish line intact it seemed. Those still in the game had made it all the way to Detroit in the Michigan area so where not far off.
Everything seemed to be going fine until he clicked on the small blinking alert box that had appeared at the bottom of the screen. The one named Ôemergency weather warning.Õ
ÒA Tornado? You gotta be kidding me. I mean I wanted interesting but this is too muchÉhmmÓ
He looked at the map to see what the closest shelter for the racers would be and finding an abandoned factory complex, he quickly accessed the emergency setting for the race cards he issued all participants with.
Across Detroit the various racers where surprised to see their race cards begin blinking before their radios all switched on and gave a warning message and directions to the factory. (A little high tech goes a long way.)
Meaning NoahÕs helpful attempt to deal with this sudden and narratively (is that a word? Who cares) convenient act of nature meant they would all be in the same place at once.
If you excuse me I believe an EEP is in order:
EEP!
ÉÉÉ
IÕm going to skip the section detailing everyone arriving at the factory and waiting out the storm, mainly as despite the sheer comedy potential available from a tornado, none of them: wandered out thinking it has passed only to be caught in the eye of the storm (SimpsonÕs did it), got hit by a flying cow, or had their car totalled (a combination of sheer dumb luck bordering on the miraculous mixed with lazy writing) and move straight to after it has passed to move on to more important things.
ÉÉÉ
As the various racers left the buildings of the factory complex they where all taken by surprise by several things.
First of all, the tornado, although leaving their vehicles undamaged, had left a large pile of debris piled at the entrance, effectively leaving them sealed into the complex.
Also a heavily irate biker gang had also been trapped inside, whether they had sought shelter as well or simply being picked up by the tornado and dumped in the complex is up for debate.
And that would have to wait anyhow since ALSO in the courtyard (good things come in threeÕs after all) was an even more irate group of mobsters. Now IÕm sure now youÕre thinking, ÒTime Out, DJWÕs lost it.Ó To whit I say, ÒYou only just figured that out?Ó
The bikers are a bit out of left field I admit but hey, the way this fic has been going, it shouldnÕt be a surprise to see something like that now, as for the mobsters, well 8 or so sections back you should find mention of a group of mobsters, thatÕs them, they where following the group of fast moving vehicles that where seen passing by at great speeds after (and before) the supposed ÔattackÕ upon them.
They are irate because it seems in the rush to chase after their ÔattackersÕ they forgot to bring any weapons. Meaning now standing between our motley crew of racers stands both an angry biker gang looking to let off some frustration as well as a group of vengeance seeking mobsters, this can mean only one thing.
BRAWL!
ÉÉÉ
As the brawl began, the Lee-Daniels sibling looked at each other, the younger and supposedly saner CarlottaÕs face bearing a near-insane grin that was usually the trademark of her elder brother (which he was returning with equal if not greater levels of implied insanity)
ÒHighest KO count wins?Ó
ÒYouÕre on.Ó
And with that they dived into the fray leaving Wasabi to think to himself:
ÒI guess Clovis beating up a biker gang is a victimless crimeÉlike firebombing an orgy.Ó
He then however gave a long shiver as he realised all his guns where still in the car, he sighed and hoped ClovisÕs advice that Òmost people will run from a screaming Asian guyÓ would prove to be true.
ÉÉÉ
ÒWell shall we join in the fun?Ó Tom asked,
ÒBy all means feel free to get yourself beaten to a pulp.Ó Daria calmly said as she dodged an oncoming assailant, ÒMe I still have that whole Ôuneasy with physical contactÕ thing and (unlike my mother) that include big sweaty bikers.Ó As she effortlessly avoided another she continued ÒAs well as Chicago mobsters.Ó Before stepping back to avoid 2 more, causing Clovis to stop and admire her technique caused entirely by her dislike of physical contact.
ÒI think IÕll just take a few photos,Ó Jane said, reaching into her backpack, Òafter all an opportunity like this doesnÕt happen often.Ó
ÒOK ladies, then I shall take my leave of you for now, Jane if you get any of me try and make copies so I can really freak my parents out would you? HEY CLOVIS save some for me would ya?Ó
ÉÉÉ
Mack looked at the assortment of thugs brawling around him and decided if he wanted to get through this alive there was only one thing to do.
He picked up a large, vaguely football shaped rock from the ground before continuing, ÒKevin, weÕre going to execute play 13, 7, 0.Ó
ÒWhat?Ó Kevin replied dumbfounded (not that hard to imagine really) ÒButÉbutÉthat play is banned in all 50 statesÉthough IÕm not so sure about Ohio.Ó
ÒOOK!
ÒDesperate times call for desperate measures,Ó Mack said as he readied the rock ÒJust imagine your aiming for Sam Stack.Ó
At the mention of the name of the man who would be KevinÕs nemesis if he knew what it meant (or how to spell it) Kevin readied himself to make the forbidden play.
Ò5,4,3,2,1 HUT!Ó Mack yelled as he spun and hit a biker who was approaching him with the rock before throwing it at another thug, the rock hit him in the stomach causing him to stagger back before Kevin dived into him, only he hit a bit below the stomachÉouch.
ÉÉÉ
Carlotta winced as she saw the above-mentioned double whammy, before she jumped and took down a pair of mobsters with a splits kick (it annoyed Clovis who couldnÕt do the move as easily since he often tore his clothing) and as they fell to the floor she looked up with a grin.
ÒClovis! Two already!Ó
ÒIÕm on Seventeen.Ó Her brother replied as he causally left a biker twice his size generally dislocated.
Sibling rivalry between martial arts masters sure is a scary thing.
ÉÉÉ
To Janet Barch this is the sort of situation that she would relish, having a load of ÔMENÕ to take out all her overblown aggression against which is why she was showing increasing frustration at the man who was showing no ill effect of her punches and kicksÉit was becoming worryingly apparent he may actually be enjoying it.
However her worry was replaced with surprise when a person carrying a 2x4 appeared behind the thug in question.
"Please, you wouldnÕt last five minutes doing volunteer work at a senior citizens rest home." OÕNeill said before he hit the thug once in the leg with the 2x4 and once again on the back of the head as he grabbed his foot meaning he quickly crumpled to the floor.
ÒNow thatÕs how you do it.Ó
ÉÉÉ
Wasabi cursed his luck as he ran, all the advice Clovis gives and he would remember the line from an 80Õs martial arts movie, which given that it had resulted in him being chased by a motorcycle riding assailant, he was not in the best of moods.
ÒWhen you don't want him he's around! When you want him he's not around! I'm gonna Die!Ó He thought to himself as the bike bore down on him untilÉ
ÒDAN-DA-DUM!Ó
Clovis suddenly appeared, using his friend as an impromptu springboard (much to WasabiÕs chagrin) that meant the rider of the bike would have been very surprised at Clovis kicking him off the bike, that is if he hadnÕt been knocked unconscious first.
Clovis landed on the handlebars of the bike, gave a small smirk as he looked at Carlotta seething (he was leading 23-20) as he showed off, deciding to add a little flourish he kicked the handlebars as he jumped off the bike, sending it hurtling into one of the buildings of the complex, which promptly followed Hollywood rules by erupting into flames. Clovis grinned at his sister who just glared before finally speaking up:
ÒWell it still only counts as one!Ó
ÉÉÉ
DeMartino was another of the Lawndale faculty enjoying the chance at taking out some frustration, in his case it was at the fact the leak meant his DUKW had finally run out of gas a little outside of the complex meaning he had to push it the rest of the way before the hurricane, luckily he had managed to phone Buck and let him know of the change in location.
As he punched out another biker (who had the misfortune of bearing some resemblance to Kevin) he turned ready to take on another, stopping when his phone began to ring,
"EXCUSE me ONE second, this may be IMPORTANT."
The biker stood in a mix of shock and befuddlement as DeMartino took out a cell phone and began to nonchalantly talk on it.
"Uh-HUHÉokÉgreatÉyeah just DROP it HERE thanks Buck." And with that he hung up the phone, looked into the air; taking several steps back; then looked at the biker, "You MIGHT want to take a few steps BACK yourself!"
At that the biker noticed a growing silhouette around him before looking up and diving for cover as a large Tank fell from the sky, landing on the ground with an audible THUD!
DeMartino looked at in stunned silence for a few seconds before a devilish grin spread across his face.
ÒHOT DAMN! Mr Conroy you have OUTDONE yourself! Here was me expecting just a JEEP.Ó With that he climbed in and had an evil idea, looking out at the battlefield he spotted Kevin (being shown the proper way to throw a punch by an orang-utan) and began to aim the turretÉ
ÒAw man!Ó Kevin cried out as he found himself doused in paint.
"DAMMIT! Buck left his Uncle Oddball's AMMO in there again!"
ÉÉÉ
ÒThis isn't the state of Michigan, it's a state of insanity.Ó Agent Flemming yelled as he climbed to the top of the debris pile blocking the way out.
ÒAt last! Something we agree on Chief.Ó Bork said as he followed suit, Òso now what are you planning Chief? Is it another brilliant plan that will land us in even more shit than weÕre already in?Ó
ÒBork what have I told you about ending a sentence with a preposition?Ó
ÒOh blow it out your ass ÔChiefÕ I really donÕt care.Ó
ÒWatch your mouth Bork, donÕt forget I could have you charged for disrespecting a senior agent for that sort of language.Ó
ÒYou know its funny you should say that ÔChiefÕ because it turns out you canÕt, I checked with Hurley while you where bombed out of your head, and it seems we where both busted down to the same rank. So letÕs cut the authoritative crap and you can explain why weÕre up here in the first place.Ó
After looking like he would burst a blood vessel for several seconds Flemming grimaced and continued ÒFineÉfrom up here we can stop this brawl and arrest not only these Goddamn racers, but a biker gang and some mobsters, now if that doesnÕt put us in the good books nothing will.Ó He said as he drew his gun and aimed it into the air and fired.
ÒYou know ÔChiefÕ given that there appears to be a Tank aiming at us I think that youÕve managed to maintain a perfect track recordÉfor screw-ups.Ó Bork took a deep breath ÒIÕm going to scream in terror as I leap off this thing, feel free to join me.Ó
As DeMartino (while cackling madly, possibly experiencing pleasant memories of previous uses of a tank) fired a shell at the pile of debris he had heard a gunshot from, they did indeed both utter screams of terror as they leapt off.
ÉÉÉ
With the sudden demolition of the obstruction at the entrance (and the number of opponents dwindling to nearly match that of the Dodo) the racers all began making their way to their vehicles, ready to resume their quest for a million dollars.
ÒCome on Clovis, you donÕt want to get held up do you?Ó Tom said as he passed, he himself having managed to survive with only a few tears to his tuxedo.
ÒJust a second mateÓ Clovis said between punches, ÒJust got one more biker left to go.Ó
ÒClovis thatÕs not a biker.Ó Jane said as she stopped to lookÒÉthatÕs Mrs Barch.Ó After a pause she added, ÒResume your pummelling.Ó
ÒOops.Ó Clovis said as he ran to his car, hearing a faint whimper and a cry of ÒJanet what have they done to you?Ó From over his shoulder.
ÉÉÉ
Upchuck and Ted where the first to leave the factory complex, mainly due to Upchuck spending the entire brawl cowering in the car. However one thing neither he nor Ted had taken into account was: when DeMartino blew up the debris blocking the entrance, where did it land? The answer was, of course, in their path.
Due to them both looking over their shoulders, watching everyone else being behind them, they where busy giving an impromptu victory laugh, that is until they looked in front of them and their laughter turned into girlish screams of terror as they swerved all over the road trying to avoid the assorted stuff in their paths.
Eventually they overdid it and wound up skidding off the road and right through the entrance of a seedy looking roadside building, when they where inside, they looked up and upon seeing the buxom woman (barely) wearing a stars and stripes bikini as she cavorted and danced around on the stage, they could only say one thing.
ÒGod Bless America!Ó
ÉÉÉ
Racer number 12 – ÔThe Love MachineÕ - 1966 Buick Convertible; Wildcat – ELIMINATED
End of Chapter.
Chapter 7 – ÔTossed Salads & Scrambled EggsÕ
or ÔThe Last Lap.Õ
Well here we are, it took us a while but we seem to be
approaching the end. Despite our
racers encountering tornadoes, writers block, incompetent feds, the Ôpicnic
gameÕ, multiple film and pop-culture references, a completely un-needed and
gratuitous brawl scene, and worst of all: JaneÕs singing! Yes despite all that, they have
survivedÉwell most of them anyway.
In fact to recap we have lost the current racers so far:
Chapter 1:
Racer Number 14 – ÔRetro ManÕ – 1957 Ford
Skyliner – ELIMINATED. Due
to his own idiocy when he offended Barch.
Chapter 3:
Racer Number 12 – ÔThe Yes MaÕamÕsÕ – Ford
Mustang Convertible – ELIMINATED.
Due to an act of heroic/idiotic sacrifice they wound up crashing into
a
Quick-Stop.
Racer Number 5 – ÔThe Laaawndale ExpressÕ –
School Bus – ELIMINATED.
Ditto but the RST video next to it.
Racer Number 7 – ÔB&BÕ – Eighteen Wheeler
– ELIMINATED? Took a ÔshortcutÕ
and havenÕt been heard from since.
(Although for all we know they could still be out there striking fear
into the hearts of motorists everywhere)
Chapter 4:
Racer Number 11 – ÔSingle Bored FemaleÕ –
Triumph Spitfire – ELIMINATED?
Kidnapped Ralph Fiennes and was last seen being chased by the
police. Unknown if she can stage a
surprise comeback in the near future.
Racer Number 9 – ÔThe Fashion MobileÕ –
Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder – ELIMINATED. Wound up crashing a fashion show in more ways than one.
Chapter 5:
Racer Number 2 – ÔÉBut weÕre Thinking of Changing Our
NameÕ – Chevrolet van – ELIMINATED. Little incident involving a wall.
Chapter 6:
Racer Number 12 – ÔThe Love MachineÕ - 1966 Buick
Convertible; Wildcat – ELIMINATED.
Oh come on its only a paragraph or so above this, just press ÔpageupÕ if
youÕve already forgotten that one.
And I can guarantee that by the end of the chapter there shall be at least 2 more racers eliminated before the finish and we shall definitely know who the winner is.
So now how about we recap whom we STILL have in the race:
Racer Number 1 – ÔA
Guy
Called SloaneÕ – 1968 Jaguar 420G: originally planned as a solo attempt
by Tom Sloane although Daria and Jane have invited themselves along for the
ride, will their status as the shows main characters allow them to
triumph? Maybe but then this is a
Daria fanficÉ
Racer Number 3 – ÔThe J-MenÕ – Original Mini
Cooper: Consisting of Clovis Lee-Daniels, his younger sister Carlotta, and
Wasabi Yojiman Sakaguchi. This
trio of original characters have been wreaking havoc on the highway for some
time; will their status as original creations curry the favour of the
author? ÉOr will Clovis remain in
character and do something stupid
at the last minute?
Racer Number 4 – ÔCrazy AnthonyÕ – WWII D.U.K.W.
changed for a Tank: Despite having to make an impromptu vehicle change he has
been racing on mainly by sheer manic willpower and the prospect of money.
Racer Number 6 – ÔMan
CrusherÕ – Monster Truck: due to the state of her vehicle Barch has been
able to just power her way through the race without incident. Although due to her recent accidental
pummelling at the hands (Well fists to be precise) of Clovis who knows if she
will jeopardise her chance of winning in a foolish revenge attemptÉwhat do
you
think?
Racer Number 8 – ÔBro and QBÕ – Ice Cream Truck:
Mack and Kevin have somehow managed to keep going, no doubt due to the
assistance of their Orang-utanÉno I donÕt know where it came from either but
just go with it. Everyone loves
monkeysÉI mean apes.
Racer Number 10 – ÔShaggy and BurnoutÕ –
ÔPoliceÕ Mustang: Casey and Jennifer, also known by their team-name, have shown
that despite being a pair of background characters with no lines of dialogue in
the show have managed to keep up with the rest (although it could just be
Shaggy and his damn time travelling powers, who
knows.)
Racer Number 13 – ÔGirls on
The EdgeÕ – Jaguar XJ Sedan: Like their Ôsignificant othersÕ Jodie and
Brittany have managed to keep going without too many incidents. Although Jodie has begun showing signs
of her personality loosening up. Should makes things interesting when she tells
her father that she borrowed the car.
Racer Number 16 – ÔThe
FedsÕ – (Several) Ford LTD(Ôs): Agents Flemming and Bork in their
constant attempts to stop the race have wound up not only entering but somehow
staying in the game, even if theyÕve totalled more cars
in the process than a
Michael Bay movie, will Bork be able to put up with Flemming long enough to
make any arrests or will a sudden homicide interfere with the investigation?
Well since IÕve taken up a good bit of space padding for time letÕs get on with the show.
WARNING:
The following chapter may contain implied monkey abuse amongst other things!
ÉÉÉ
Out on the open road before the entrance to Seattle, a small red car was approaching the city at its usual speed.
Carlotta Lee-Daniels took in the view as she looked out the back window, when her parents suggested she spent more time with her older brother she doubted this was what they had in mind, but all things considered it wasnÕt too bad, althoughÉ
ÒHey guys,Ó she said while tapping the back of her siblings seat, ÒI think somethingÕs following us, something big.Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒJanet I really think this is a bad idea!Ó
ÒI am not in the mood Skinny!Ó Barch replied through gritted teeth. The pummelling she had received (as unintentional as it was in ClovisÕs defence) was not something she was going to forgive, and since she was in possession of a monster truck, she could be unforgiving in a very distinct way.
ÒEvery seen what happens to a can when it gets crushed Skinny?Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒBLOODY HELL!Ó Carlotta yelled as the car swerved out the way of the oncoming vehicle.
ÒYou truly are your brothers sister.Ó Wasabi muttered before adding, ÒOh look, sheÕs turning around for another run.Ó
ÒIndeed she is.Ó Clovis responded before getting an idea (You could tell from the grin) ÒWasabi take the wheel, just drive straight ahead and donÕt turn whatever you do thereÕs a good chap.Ó
ÒBut if I donÕt turn sheÕll crush us!Ó Wasabi replied as he complied with his friend.
ÒAnd if you DO turn,Ó Clovis responded as he climbed into the back of the car and began rummaging around amongst the various junk they had packed, ÒThen imagine what it is I shall do to you, savvy?Ó
ÒDrive straight ahead no matter what got it.Ó Wasabi replied quickly as his hands tightened around the wheel. He was a little disconcerted to see (in the rear view mirror) Clovis opening a door and instead of jumping out as Wasabi expected, he flipped up onto the roof of the car and stood there.
The fact his friend was doing such a bizarre thing was made even more unsettling by the fact he had grabbed a Nodachi before doing so. Now for those not well versed in weaponry, Nodachi is Japanese for Ôone really big-ass motherf***ing sword!Õ and when wielded by someone whose lack in sanity was more than made up for by his weaponry skill, well lets say this could get interesting.
ÉÉÉ
In the monster truck, Barch looked at the strange site of the figure stood astride the tiny car, she even saw him look at her and wave before the car vanished underneath them, she also heard a strange *SHINK* sound before she saw the car appear from underneath in the rear view mirror before turning the wheel again, at that point she now heard another noiseÉ
ÉÉÉ
Clovis turned to admire his handiwork as he watched the wheels fall off the giant monster truck, cutting through the axels with his Nodachi had been a gamble but it had paid off. He waved to the fuming driver before giving the good old-fashioned British 2-fingered salute before diving in through his window and returning to the drivers seat.
ÒYou know I hate to cut and run but we do have a race to win.Ó
ÒBritish Humour.Ó Wasabi sighed to himself.
ÉÉÉ
ÒWell looks like another one got eliminated Jake.Ó Noah said as he looked at the screen.
ÒMan do we actually have anyone still left in this race? Hey Noah maybe you should offer a prize for anyone who even makes it across the finish line?Ó
ÒDonÕt give me ideas Jake. My accountant has already gone catatonic, and my economist has been acting a little odd as wellÉÓ
ÒEconomist?Ó
ÒYeah you know, that Argentinean girl, her name was NatalieÉsomething, I canÕt remember her surname which is strange as it was oddly familiar.Ó
ÒAhÓ Jake said nervously, ÒI think I know why sheÕs been acting strange, earlier I tried to say hello in SpanishÉthat Rodriguez guy taught me what to sayÓ he paused for a few seconds before continuing, Óalthough the guy had been downing a few too many Tequilas and instead of telling me to say Ôhello how are you?Õ he wound up teaching me how to ask her if I could Ômarry her uncles ostrichÕ or something, albeit I think thatÕs the cleaned up version.Ó
ÒYou never cease to amaze me Jake.Ó Noah said as he put on a coat.
ÒThanks I thinkÉgoing out?Ó
ÒYeah, IÕm going to check out the Space Needle and see if I can see anyone.Ó Noah replied before taking a quick glance at the laptop showing the locations of the various racers in or around the Seattle area.
ÒHuh thatÕs oddÉÓ
ÉÉÉ
ÒNow correct me if IÕm wrong Kevin, and please do. But we should right now be outside the ÔParamount HotelÕ in Seattle correct?Ó
ÒCorrect.Ó
ÒYet instead we seem to find ourselves out in the middle of the ÔHoh Rain ForestÕ and as fascinating as it is being in one of the few temperate rainforests in the world, it does rather hinder our plans for winning the race does it not?Ó
ÒSure does Mack DaÉÓ In a rare moment of self-preservation induced brainpower Kevin did not continue.
ÒAnd Kevin I know even you arenÕt stupid enough to manage this, so did this happen?Ó
ÒI guess someone may have messed with our maps BroÉbut who would do such a thingÉÓ
Then at once the two slowly turned aroundÉ
ÒookÉÓ The Orang-utan ooked weakly as it tried to hide behind the map.
ÒAw manÓ Kevin sighed, Òguess thatÕs it for us huh Bro? ÉBro?Ó He looked to see Mack climbing into the back of the Ice-Cream truck with the Ôtracking deviceÕ of NoahÕs in his hand, ÒWhat are you doing Mack Daddy?Ó
ÒGetting back into the race.Ó Mack replied as he changed out of his ice-cream vendor uniform into a black leather jacket ÒAnd donÕt call me that.Ó
ÒBut how man? We canÕt find the roads outÉÓ
ÒRoads?Ó Mack replied as he grabbed the sheet in the back (see heavy-handed foreshadowing: chapter 5) ÒWhat IÕm riding, I donÕt needÉroads.Ó
And with that Mack burst out the back of the ice-cream truck riding his motorcycle in true Hollywood fashion.
ÒBro what am I gonna do?Ó Kevin shouted to him.
ÒI dunno, Spank the Monkey?Ó
ÒOOK!Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒBRRR!Ó Daria shuddered suddenly in the back seat of the car.
ÒWhat is it Daria?Ó
ÒStrange, I thought I sensed something; a presence I've not
felt since...nah, anyway how are we doing?Ó
ÒNot too bad.Ó Tom replied as he glanced in the rear view mirror ÒI can see a few familiar vehicles behind and one or two in front but nothing I canÕt overtake.Ó
ÒAlso knowing the way things have been going a few of them may try and take shortcuts, and if there is one useful thing I learned from Beavis, its that shortcuts are usually a bad idea.Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒOK Brit,Ó Jodie spoke as she looked at the map in her lap, Òif we take a shortcut through this park we should be able to save a lot of time.Ó
ÒIf you say so ÉÓ Brittney said as she tried to remember what it was about the park that bothered her, ÒHey Jodie what was the name of this park again?Ó
ÒGreen Lake Park, why do you ask?Ó
ÒOhÉÓ She said as she looked ahead with a resigned look on her face, Òno reasonÉÓ
SPLASH!
ÉÉÉ
ÒHey ShaggyÉ I mean CaseyÓ Jennifer corrected herself as she saw her accomplices glare, ÒDoes that police radio we have actually work?Ó
ÒNow that you mention it IÕm not sure, it came with the car, lets find out.Ó He replied as he switched it on.
ÒALL UNITS BE AWARE,Ó the
voice over the radio announced; ÒSUSPECT IS DRVING A TANK, REPEAT A
TANK, AND IS BELIEVED TO BE HEADING TOWARDS THE ÔPARAMOUNT HOTELÕÓ There was then a pause ÒALSO, SUSPECT IS
REPORTED TO BE LAUGHING MANIACALLYÓ
At first the two sat in silence upon hearing the radio report:
ÒÉÓ
ÒÉÓ
Hey I told you they where silent, eventually one of them turned to the other and spoke:
ÒI always knew our history teacher would do something like this one day.Ó
ÒYup, but hey, at least we get to use the siren again.Ó
ÉÉÉ
To say Anthony DeMartino was having a good time would almost be the understatement of the year (Beaten only by some guy who said Òboy that TAG guy sure likes penguinsÓ Éoh wait I think that was me)
By the way, anyone who did not get the above joke has clearly not spent much if any time amongst the collective mass of Madness & Deviancy we call the Daria fandomÉ you Lucky Bastards.
Anyhoo returning to the matter at hand, indeed DeMartino was having a good time. The prospect of winning a load of money was now merely a pleasant bonus to the sheer joy he had experienced during his cross-country rampage, the acquisition of a tank only helped to further his enjoyment.
He let out another bout of maniacal laughter that so unsettled any police in the vicinity as he continued to accelerate in the tank, as he was overtaken by a familiar looking young man on a motorcycle he began to regret not encountering Kevin recently.
He had managed to reload againÉ
ÉÉÉ
Mack decided that leaving Kevin back with the sabotaging simian (no I donÕt know why IÕm talking like a silver age comic-book writer either) was definitely a good idea.
First of all since it meant less chance of an eleventh hour screw up.
Secondly it lowered the chance of DeMartino taking pot shots at him.
And of course the third, rather obvious reason, he would have felt pretty stupid with Kevin behind him, he didnÕt even want to think of what it would have looked like to have that ape as well.
Thankfully his decision to go solo meant he was spared the humiliation such an event would have brought about when he saw a somewhat bedraggled and familiar looking young lady walking along the side of the road.
ÒJodie?Ó He spoke as he slowed down, ÒWhat happened to you? You decide instead of winning the race youÕd have a swim or something?Ó
ÒDefinitely the ÔSomethingÕ ÉI kinda sorta had a run-in with a lake.Ó
ÒWhat did you do, use Brittney as a flotation device?Ó
ÒAs a matter of fact yes, she was unsurprisingly buoyant. Although the air in her head may have contributed. SheÕs waiting at the lake for someone to dredge our car out; I figured she would be better at convincing people to help out. Care to escort me to the finish line Mr Mackenzie?Ó
ÒWell now how can I say no to such a foxy mama in a wet bodysuit? Hop onÓ
ÒAnd they say chivalry is dead.Ó Jodie replied as she climbed onto the back of the bike, ÒSay whereÕs Kevin?Ó
ÒYou donÕt want to knowÓ
ÉÉÉ
ÒDUDE! The monkey is not supposed to spank back!Ó
ÒOOK!Ó
ÉÉÉ
Noah Barkman observed the various events from the top of the Seattle Space Needle; the racers would soon be arriving at the hotel (hopefully, providing EVEN more didnÕt eliminate themselves that is.)
He pressed the call button and awaited the elevator, pondering on how far his plan had gone, he had already heard that reports of people trying copy him, there was talk of ÔDammitall FeverÕ as Sick Sad World had dubbed it; spreading like wildfire.
His contemplation was interrupted as the elevator opened, confronting Noah with a strange sight indeed, in the form of a small red car somehow inside the lift.
ÒDammit Clovis I told you that detour was a bad idea.Ó
ÒFrankly IÕm still trying to figure out how you managed to turn the car around INSIDE the lift.Ó Was all Carlotta had to say.
ÒWell we may very well lose.Ó Clovis spoke rather Zen like, ÒBut on the plus side at least we get a great view of the finish line.Ó He then looked at the man in front of him, ÒGoing down?Ó
Noah sighed, ÒIÕll take the stairs.Ó And then made his way as quickly as possible, mainly as he heard the trio now arguing if they could jump from the tower to the hotelÉ.
ÉÉÉ
ÒDammit Bork, where the hell is everyone? I would have thought the streets would have been swarming with racers now.Ó Flemming looked out the various windows, ÒAll I can see are some rust bucket, a somewhat familiar police car, a young couple on a motorcycle and a TANK of all things! How is it there are just four racers left?Ó
ÒFive chief, remember we entered as well.Ó
ÒDonÕt remind me.Ó
ÒWell on the plus side Chief, weÕre near the finish and it looks pretty close, so it should all be over soon. Shame all these ones left looking forwards to that cool One Million Dollars. Boy I bet theyÕll be disappointed when we arrest them all and no one gets the money huh chief?Ó
Agent Flemming was oddly silent;
ÒÉOne million dollars you say?Ó
ÒYepÓ
ÒDAMMIT BORK WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUÕRE DOING? HOWABOUT LESS TALKING AND MORE FLOORING THE PEDAL TO THE METAL?Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒWhoa!Ó Jennifer exclaimed as the LTD shot past them.
ÒTotally,Ó Casey replied, ÒGuess we better put the second Nitrous canister to use, to hell with the consequences.Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒWell somehow we made it all the way.Ó Jane commented.
ÒYes indeed,Ó Tom answered as he changed gears, ÒAlthough it seems we have some serious competition, specially that LTD, itÕs going like a bat out of hellÓ
Daria had remained silent for the last few minutes, until eventually she spoke up:
ÒNeither of you are to ever tell anyone I said this but.Ó She took a deep breath before letting out a passionate yell ÒDRIVE TOM DRIVE!Ó
ÒYes MaÕam.Ó He replied before reaching for a single untouched button on the dashboard, ÒI was waiting for an excuse to press this. Buckle up.Ó
At the buttons (Which just happened to be a little red button) press the car lurched into life and began to accelerate at a phenomenal pace, reaching a point where both the Jaguar and the police Mustang where neck and neck behind the LTD, however the Jaguar was showing signs of gaining and looked ready to overtake both of themÉ
That is until mere feet away from the finish line, a giant Eighteen-wheeler came out of nowhere and smashed the LTD out of the way!
ÒNoÉÓ Daria said weakly, ÒNot themÉanyone but themÉÓ
ÒUh Huh Huh Huh, See Beavis I told you that shortcut was a good idea.Ó
ÉÉÉ
Oh yeah, remember when I told you that by the end of this chapter we would know who the winner is?
I LIED!
BWA-HA-HA-HA!!!!
Tune in next time for the thrilling conclusion, same Bat Time, same Bat Channel.
Racer 6 – ÔMan CrusherÕ – Monster
Truck
– ELIMINATED
Racer 13 – ÔGirls on The EdgeÕ – Jaguar XJ Sedan - ELIMINATED
Racer 3 – ÔThe J-MenÕ – Original Mini
Cooper - ELIMINATED
Racer 16 – ÔThe FedsÕ – Ford LTD - ELIMINATED
End of Chapter.
Chapter
X – Or: The last chapter that covers all the dangling plot threads, shows
some last minute twists, gives an epilogue with
maybe room for a sequel and one
last explosion, oh yeah, and shows who the winner isÉI think IÕve lost my touch
for short and snappy title names.
You know a part of me really doesnÕt want to write this chapter, IÕve had such fun writing this fic that I donÕt want to end it, sadly that would mean making the remaining racers continue racing for a long time, and what with the global warming and possible impending fuel crisis I decided that for the greater good I should call this to a closeÉalso if I donÕt reveal the winner soon you folks are gonna kill me.
ÉÉÉ
When we last left our intrepid/insane/idiotic (delete as appropriate) racers the race seemed to be a close match between the Jaguar, the Mustang, and the LTD, with the LTD of Agents Bork and Flemming being the one in the lead.
This all changed when a surprise re-entry by Beavis and Butt-Head in their eighteen wheeler that made their return in typical B&B fashion, by smashing the LTD out of the running, (ironic that it was Agent Flemming who provided the truck and had them in the race in the first place.) Now it seemed the race was about to be won by a pair of Éyou know I really donÕt think there are words that can do justice to describing those two really, either way things looked grim, still the other racers still had traces of hope.
ÉÉÉ
ÒWe have no hope of winning now.Ó ÉOk so maybe I was wrong. As we can see here Daria is expressing her usual positive attitude towards life, the universe, and IÕm stopping there before I incur the wrath of the spirit of Douglas Adams.
ÒI see youÕre being your usual positive self.Ó Tom replied in an obvious attempt by me to pad for time or increase the word count, which if you think about it, me writing this is also serving that purpose, is this the first post-modern fanfic or simple bad writing?
Tom continued speaking, unaware of the sudden meta-textual divergence that had taken place a mere 3 lines above him, ÒI mean sure it looks grim but IÕm sure we have a chance.Ó
ÒI donÕt think so I mean look at them, their inches away from the finish lineÓ Jane replied, ÒÉand their still inches from the finish lineÉhave they stopped?Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒHeh heh m heh he heh WOAH!Ó
ÒUh Huh-Huh Huh, dude that is one big dead bug!Ó
ÒYeah, hehe, waitaminute, Butt-head arenÕt we supposed to be like doing something?Ó
ÒUhhh oh yeah, settle down Beavis, IÕll find the windshield wipers.Ó
Its possible that the two were hypnotised by the wipers or just amazed at the dead bug but who knows, they still managed to stay true to themselves and snap defeat from the jaws of certain victory.
What this does mean is that the race is now anyoneÕs game again.
ÉÉÉ
ÒTom donÕt you ever get sick of being right?Ó
ÒOf course not.Ó He said as he pressed down on the accelerator, ÒNow we practically have this in the bagÉÓ although the last words did trail off as the Police Mustang shot past them and crossed the finish line.
ÒYou were saying?Ó Daria replied, the sting of defeat at least tempered by the sweet irony of the situation.
ÒBeing wrong however is something I have yet to get used to.Ó Tom replied as they crossed the line themselves, ÒBesidesÓ he continued as he glanced in the rear-view mirror, Òsecond place isnÕt too bad, at least we beat that lunatic in the tank.Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒWell God DAMN It!Ó DeMartino yelled as he climbed out the tank, watching the last few remaining racers cross the line in whatever order (oh like it matters anymore) ÒI SUPPOSE it was a good THING that I DIDNÕT bet on MYSELF after all.Ó
As DeMartino finished extracting himself from the tank, Daria, Jane and Tom approached the winners who had gotten out of their car and where performing an impromptu victory dance.
ÒCongratulations Jennifer,Ó Jane said Òguess we wonÕt be seeing you around school much now with you new fortune.Ó
ÒHell Yeah!Ó Jennifer replied, giddy with the sensation of victory, Ònow I can buy ShaggyÕs time machine and have fun!Ó
Daria raised an eyebrow, ÒTime machine?Ó
ÒSorry folks,Ó the ÔShaggyÕ in question replied, ÒShe just hadnÕt been the same since that trampoline incidentÉor was it the time with the uneven bars? Ah who am I kidding sheÕs always been this weird.Ó
ÒYou say that like itÕs a bad thing.Ó Tom quipped before holding out his hand, ÒCongratulations to you, that was some impressive driving back there.Ó
ÒThanks, no hard feelings huh dude?Ó Shaggy replied as he shook TomÕs hand, ÒThatÕs cool, you werenÕt too bad a driver yourself, some of those turns you pulled where almost as sharp as that suitÉsay that gives me an ideaÉÓ
With that Casey and Tom wandered away from the others, speaking covertly to one another, the mention of a photograph could be made out though.
ÉÉÉ
ÒWell 4th place isnÕt so bad I guessÓ Mack said as he leaned against his bike, ÒYou still got your race card thingy?Ó He asked Jodie who was leaning against him.
ÒAh nutbunnies, I think I left it still in the glove compartmentÉÓ
ÒIt sank with the car huh?Ó
ÒNo Brittney should have it.Ó
ÒWhat? But you just saidÉÓ The gears in MackÕs head turned. ÒOh.Ó
ÒWhere else was I going to keep the map? May as well have been somewhere easy to reach.Ó
ÒHonestly Jodie that sounds like something Upchuck would come up withÉspeaking of which, wonder whatever happened to him and Ted?Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒGOD BLESS AMERICA!Ó
É
Oh like you thought they would have even tried leaving.
ÉÉÉ
ÒWho knows,Ó Jodie replied, Òstill at least we actually made it across the finish line, least we didnÕt wind up like those guys in the black LTD, imagine getting so near yet so far.Ó
ÒTell me about it, how humiliating is that?Ó
Of course we know that the drivers of said vehicle, over the course of this journey have become acquainted with humiliation frequently to the point that they are not only on a first name basis but also on the Christmas card list.
ÉÉÉ
The LTD in question, when struck by the aptly named (if misspelled) ÔDeth TrukÕ had been slightly crushed as well as being knocked on its side where it had skidded along until it had stopped just short of the finish line, practically mocking them with its closeness.
ÒChief you ok?Ó Agent Hurley looked over her shoulder at the figure pressed up against the window with a perfect view of the ground.
ÒScenario number two, Coop went to Disneyworld!Ó Flemming cried as he stood up, dazed
and very confused, an act which caused the car to tip over and finally cross
the finish line, at least half the car anyway.
ÒHeÕs fineÓ Agent Bork replied as he opened his door and stepped out, then sighed as he saw Flemming trying to open his own, he opened the door and watched Agent Flemming go sprawling out onto the floor.
ÒOh forÉÓ Bork looked up to the sky, ÒIs this still about the whole X-5 Unit fiasco?Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒHey lookÓ Mack spoke as he saw the sprawling figure attempt to get to his feet, ÒIsnÕt that Robert Stack?Ó
Said sprawling figure finally did manage to make it to a standing position and straightened his tie before announcing himself, ÒAgent Flemming GTA!Ó
ÒYou stole your car as well?Ó Jodie replied, ÒWhew and here I thought I was the only one.Ó
ÒYou know chief I think if we donÕt get results weÕre going to be in a lot of trouble.Ó
ÒOh just shut up Bork, I made sure that anyone involved in this knew to deny any knowledge of me and this job if it failed, there will be no way for the higher ups to ties us to this if it all goes to hell. Now come on you idiot and lets go get whoever cheated us out of my million bucks.Ó
ÒYou mean OUR Million right chief?Ó
Oblivious to the others around him (Especially Bork)
Flemming approached Jennifer, his sight set on apprehending the winner of the
race first, ÒWell missy, how do you all feel now you have raped the American
highways?Ó
Jennifer paused and looked deep in thought before she
finally replied,
ÒBeautiful!Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒJane I you think we should be making a swift exit, IÕve just remembered where I last saw that lunatic.Ó
ÒWhat you know that weirdo?Ó Jane replied, confused, ÒHe an old teacher from Highland or something?Ó
ÒNot quite, the guys a high ranking ATF agentÉÓ
ÒFormer ATF agent actually.Ó Casey replied as he re-emerged with Tom Òthe guy is now an agent of the Government Traffic Alliance, although he doesnÕt actually have any way to prove this, I took care of that.Ó
ÒYou have his badge?Ó Daria replied incredulously.
ÒNot anymore.Ó Casey replied with a grin.
ÒIf youÕll excuse me ladies,Ó Tom said as he cleared his throat, adjusted his tie, and attached a fake moustache to his face that had been procured from who knows where Òyou are about to see why the Fielding Amateur Theatrics Society have me on speed dial.Ó
As he proudly walked off, Jane looked at Daria,
ÒA swift exit you say?
ÒActuallyÓ Daria replied with a thoughtful expression, ÒIÕve just had a very wicked idea, be right back.Ó
Jane watched Daria catch up with Tom and whisper several things into his ear before shrugging and deciding to go enjoy the show.
ÉÉÉ
ÒWHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?Ó
Agent Flemming turned to some young man in a suit looking at him with an expression of annoyance.
ÒNone of your business kid.Ó
ÒOh I think it is,Ó Tom replied, trying to suppress the grin as he flashed the badge, ÒAgent Goldfarb, GTA!Ó He let this sink in but before Flemming could reply he began by speaking angrily, ÒWeÕve been investigating reports of people impersonating both GTA and ATF personnel, now lets see some ID mister.Ó Tom took extra pride in putting the emphasis on lower class m on the Ômister.Õ
Agent Flemming began to look nervous, ÒAhÉwell you see sir, I donÕt happen to have my badge with me at the moment, it was stolen by this young woman and her associate who have been masquerading as police officersÉÓ
ÒA likely story! IÕll have you know that Officers Reynolds and DeLuise have been assisting me in tracking down the suspects, and it seems theyÕve done a perfect job.Ó He then turned to the confused looking woman who had finally made her way out of the busted LTD, ÒAgent Hurley!Ó
ÒYesÉsir?Ó
ÒI want you to take this scumbagÓ Tom turned to look at Flemming and gave an evil grin, Òand give him a cavity search, IÕm talking rotor-rooter, donÕt stop till you reach the back of his teeth.Õ
ÒYou canÕt do this!Ó Flemming yelled as a confused Hurley grabbed his shoulder, ÒBork set this young upstart straight God Dammit!Ó
Agent Bork looked at Flemming before answering, ÒThis man is a lunatic, he had me hostage claiming to be a GTA agent, but IÕm sure if you call the organisation and ask them theyÕll deny ever knowing of him, Agent Hurley you heard Agent Goldfarb, get on with that cavity search, and you heard what he said, keep going till you find the lost treasure of the Sierra Madrid!Ó
ÉÉÉ
ÒMr DeMartino should we do anything about this?Ó
ÒAn EXCLLENT question Ms Landon,Ó Mr DeMartino replied, remembering the treatment he received when mistaken for an illegal alien, ÒOne I CAN definitely ANSWER with a firm HELL NO!Ó
ÒGood enough for me.Ó
ÉÉÉ
As Agent (but probably not for much longer) Flemming was lead away by Agent Hurley, (who had decided that the best way to react to the confusing turn of events was to go with the flow and protect her own assÉeven if it was at the sake of another) the others who had been watching with amusement turned as they heard the sound of clapping.
ÒLadies and Gentlemen!Ó Noah shouted at the assembled racers as he descended the hotel steps, ÒCongratulations on compleÉthis is it?Ó
Since those of you counting may have gathered, only 4 racers have actually crossed the finish line at this time, well 5 if you count Flemming and Bork, Beavis & Butt-head are still stopped just short of the line.
ÒWell this is an interesting turn of events.Ó Noah shrugged as he approached the winners, ÒAs the winning team of the first Dammitall Run I present you your prize of one million dollars.Ó With that he reached into his pocket and removed a chequebook.
He then turned to address the remaining contestants, ÒAnd since IÕm in such a good moodÓ he neglected to add Ònot to mention considerably richer since I won the bet on who would win.Ó but continued instead with ÒI have decided that anyone who actually makes it to the finish line is gonna get a cash prize, sure it wont be a million dollars but hey consider it a reward for making this so interesting, not to mention a hell of a lot of fun.Ó
As he approached the first person with his chequebook at the ready he paused and looked at the man, ÒI canÕt say I remember seeing you at the start sirÉÓ
ÒIÕm racer 16, nicknamed ÔThe FedsÕ sir.Ó Bork replied hurriedly.
ÒYOU JUDAS BORK IÕLL SEE YOU HANG FOR THIS!Ó
ÒWhat was that?Õ
ÒNothing.Ó
Shrugging, Noah handed a cheque to Agent Bork who looked at it, kissed it, and grinned as he thought ÒScrew the government, IÕm off to Rio!Ó
ÉÉÉ
Noah next approached Mack and Jodie, ÒYou two in a team
together?Ó
ÒYesÓ the two replied simultaneously,
ÒGood for you, here you go, nice bike.Ó
As he moved on to the next person the two looked at each
other, ÒYou want to use this to deal with your Dads car?Ó
ÒHell no!Ó Jodie replied before giving Mack a quick kiss, ÒBut thanks for offering, whatÕs say we take this money and blow it on a weekend youÕll never forget?Ó
ÒMs Landon I like the way you think.Ó
ÉÉÉ
Daria, Jane and Tom watched as Noah attempted to remove an in tears and overly grateful DeMartino who had latched himself to NoahÕs neck before looking down at their own cheque.
ÒWell it ainÕt a million split 3 ways but its nothing to sneeze at.Ó Tom said after a pause.
ÒGuess you can add a hot tub to that Montana cabin now huh Amiga?Ó
ÒI donÕt know, after that performance Tom you deserve the whole thing, ÒI mean we didnÕt really do anything.Ó
ÒOh are you kidding? No way would I have made it through this whole thing on my own, the boredom would have killed me after the first day, you two deserve a share for entertainment alone.Ó
Before either Daria or Jane could respond they all turned as they heard the sound of trundling wheels, all three where reasonably surprised to see a spiky-green haired familiar face riding a skateboard across the finish line.
ÒHi guys, so who won?Ó after a few seconds he added, ÒTom when did you grow that moustache?Ó
ÒWaz you may want to talk to Noah quickly, after all he did say it didnÕt matter what you crossed the line on as long as you had the card.Ó
ÒWuh?Ó Was all Wasabi had to say, once the situation was explained to him he looked positively crestfallen, Òah crap, Clovis still has the card, I left him with Carlotta as he was trying to figure out how to get the car off the top of the space needle.Ó
ÒOnly Clovis could or would manage that.Ó Jane replied as she shook her head, ÒWonder if heÕll be able to get it down anytime?Ó
ÒOhÉÓ Tom said as he looked up into the sky, ÒI donÕt think heÕll have to worry about thatÉÓ
ÒBANZAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!Ó Was the growing sound from above that got everyone looking up, as suddenly a red original Mini Cooper landed on the ground in front of them, seemingly no worse for wear than if it had merely hit a bump in the road.
Clovis jumped out the car grinning as usual, ÒSee Carlie I told you I could make the jump, hey guys, howÕs it going?Ó
ÒClovis, card, now!Ó Wasabi snapped sharply, then took the card from his friend and ran into the hotel as he was heard to cry Òoh Mr Barkman! You missed oneÓ
ÒThat guy is so weirdÓ Clovis sighed before looking into the car, ÒisnÕt that right CarlieÉCarlie?Ó
In the passenger seat of the car sat Carlotta, pale as a sheet and her hands dug into the dashboard, letting out a whimper of ÒI actually thought he was bluffingÉÓ
ÒWe better get her insideÓ Jane said as she helped Carlotta out the car, ÒGive me a hand will you Tom?Ó
ÒSure JaneÓ he said as he took CarlottaÕs other arm, ÒYou two probably should come in as well, I think I head Noah say that there would be a party with food and stuff, may as well celebrate right?Ó
ÒIn a sec mate,Ó Clovis replied ÒIÕve been in that car for so long I need to stretch my legs for a little, you go right on ahead and save me a space alright?Ó
ÒWill do, what about you Daria?Ó
ÒI could use some fresh air as well, and besides one of us has to keep an eye this guy.Ó
ÒFair enough and good pointÓ Jane replied, ÒWeÕll save you some munchies, come on CarlottaÓ Jane continued with a leer, ÒI know whatÕll get you un-catatonic, lets go get you a good stiffÉÓ
ÒJANE!Ó
ÒI was going to say Ultra Cola, jeezÓ
As the three went indoors Clovis turned to Daria, ÒSo did we enjoy ourselves on this little jaunt?Ó
ÒI suppose youÕd have to be crazy to enjoy this sort of thing, you know, lawbreaking, reckless driving, blowing crap up, so no doubts you had a blast.Ó Daria replied.
ÒThat a trick question? Of course I bloody did, but I donÕt think you answered my question did we? Can we be a bit nervous about admitting we reacted to this with more than just mild indifference?Ó
ÒOK Clovis yes I had fun,Ó Daria replied with a sigh, ÒYou react to psychological walls as if your some sort of siege engine you know that.Ó
ÒAttagirlÓ Clovis replied with a grin as he slapped her on back, ÒSo whatÕs say you get inside and have some more fun?Ó
Daria winced ÒIf it means you wont do that again then sure,Ó as she walked on she delivered the old favourite, the Mona Lisa smile, Òyou know what, this was pretty fun Dammit, pretty Damn fun indeed.Ó
ÒDamn right!Ó
Clovis replied with his preferred borderline insane grin, Òand who
knows,Ó he continued after a pause.
ÒMaybe next year, we'll do this again?Ó
The End.