ALTERNATE ENDING #2: QUINN
THE BRAIN(What if...)
by Daniel Timothy Dey
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Note: In order to make any sense of this fanfic, you
have to had seen the Daria episode #203, “Quinn the Brain.” I’m not the first
person to come up with an alternative ending for this episode, or any other
episode for that matter. As far as I know, the first and only person was Austin
Covello. He’s got his alternative, now I’ve got mine. And while he claimed that
the original episode shouldn’t have gone the way it did in his fic, I think my
alternative should’ve happened. But then, I’ve got about as much of a right to
say what should’ve happened as he does. I’m going to start at the scene where
Jane paints while Daria lays upside-down on Jane’s bed with her hair hanging
over the foot of it…in that famous position we male Daria fans all love. I also
swiped some of these lines from Martin J. Pollard’s transcripts on Outpost
Daria. Hope nobody minds. This fanfic was written between October 13, 2000 and
July 10, 2003, thanks partially to a crappy PC and the frequent need to borrow
the PC’s of other people.
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(at Jane’s house, in Jane’s room)
(Jane is painting while Daria is laying on Jane’s bed in
that position all us guys love.[Come on, admit it.]).
Jane: “Hmm, by the way, anything eating away at your soul?”
Daria: “Her writing’s bad. Don’t people know the difference
between good and bad?”
Jane: “She’s cute. There’s different standards for cute
people.”
Daria: “You mean, no standards.”
Jane: “Right.”
Daria: “Isn’t there ever a time when how you look doesn’t
affect how you’re judged?”
Jane: “When you donate an organ. Unless it’s your eyes.
Listen, it’s not big deal.”
Daria: “The thing is, if she’s a brain, what do I get to be?”
Jane: “You’re still a brain.”
Daria: “Yeah, but she’s a brain with bouncy hair. I can’t
compete.”
Jane: “Okay, then you get to be... A super brain. An even
bigger outcast than before.”
Daria: “I don’t think I can survive being a super brain.”
Jane: “Then she’s got to be stopped. But how?”
Daria: “Oh, I know how, I just haven’t been able to bring
myself to do it. Until now.”
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(at school, in the hallway)
Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie - (walks up)
Daria: “Yes?”
Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie: “Um, well, actually, Daria? I
mean... No, never mind.” (start to leave)
Daria: “Wait.”
Jeffy: “No, um, it’s a mistake. We thought...”
Daria: “If you squinted hard enough maybe I’d look like a
different Morgendorffer?”
Joey: “Um...”
Daria: “Look, do you really want Quinn back?”
Jeffy: “Yes.”
Jamie: “A thousand times yes.”
Joey: “Bring her back! You gotta bring her back!”
Daria: “Then do exactly what I say, and I’ll deliver the
goods.”
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(at Daria’s house, in Daria’s room)
[Song: “What Do You Want From Me?,” by Monaco(just like in
the original script)]
(Daria dresses up like Quinn)
Daria(to reflection in
mirror): “Hi! Could you get me a soda?” (puts hand to forehead)
(doorbell rings)
Jake: “Hey dudes! Quinn! Your dates are here!”
Joey: “Actually, we’re here to ask Daria out.”
Jake: “Huh?”
Jeffy: “You know, your other daughter.”
Jamie: “By the way, how’s Quinn?”
Jeffy: “Shut up, Jamie.”
Daria: “Hi, Quinn.”
Quinn: “Hi, Daria.”
Daria: “Well, I’m off for my dates. (leans against the wall) One... two...”
Quinn: “Ugh! Wait! (runs
up to Daria) You win, all right?” (Starts
to run away)
Daria(teasing): “Can
I come too?”
Quinn(Looking back in
disgust): “Oooh, alright! But only because it’d be a complete waste for you
to be all dressed up with nowhere to go.”
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(at Daria’s front door, Jake and the Triple J’s stare in
amazement as Quinn, and Daria walk down the steps. Daria’s dressed like Quinn,
while Quinn is wearing a blue halter-top with a pink scarf and red mini-skirt)
Jake: “Wow. Daria. If I were their age...”
Joey: “You’d be a weird old man.”
Jake: “I’d be anxious to dance with a girl like you.”
Jeffy: “Not if I get my hands on her first.
Jake: “Ah, that’s okay, dudes. I envy you three for being
your age and in the presence of such beauty. I mean, is this young brunette the
most beautiful woman in the house or what?”
Quinn: “Dad, don’t put any wild ideas in Daria’s head, okay? I’m only doing this as a favor
for her. The last thing I want is for people to think she’s on the same level
with me.”
Jamie: “I don’t, Quinn.”
Jeffy: “Shut up, Jamie.”
Jake: “Helen. Come look in the den.”
Daria: “Oh, no.”
(Helen is just walking out of the kitchen)
Helen: “Jake, if this is another one of your tirades about
evil squirrels...”(notices Daria’s new
look, and gasps in delight)“Oh, Daira, I’m so proud of you!”
Daria: “Mom, just so you know, this is only for one night. I’m
trying to get an early start on the Halloween spirit.”
Helen: “Don’t be so modest. I knew you had it in you. You
should keep dressing this way more often. You’ll soon find a surprising number
of benefits if you look more presentable.”
Daria: “As I stated before, this is just a one-time deal.”
Jake: “Now how can you say that? One reason I married your
mother was because she was gorgeous. And I knew if we had daughters, they’d be
as gorgeous as her.”
Joey: “I had a sneaking suspicion that Daria was really a
babe.”
Jeffy: “Well, I didn’t at first, but eventually I realized
she had to be a beauty. I mean after
all she’s related to Quinn, and it obviously runs in the family.”
(Joey and Jeffy mutter in agreement. Jake joins in, and
Jamie seems to go along with them. Quinn seems nervous over the potential
revelation of their sisterhood and stops the men in the middle of their
chatter)
Quinn: “Let’s go Daria. I want to get this over with.”
Quinn walks out followed by Jamie, then Daria as Joey and
Jeffy follow them. Helen tries to stop her before she leaves.
Helen: “See what happens when you try to fit in, Daria?”
Daria: “Yeah, you turn into someone you wish you never
became.”
Jake: “Huh?”
Daria: “Good night, Dad…Mom. Don’t wait up.”
Daria closes the door as Helen glares at Jake.
Jake(defensive): “What?”
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[Song(on car radio):
“Groovin’ On You,” by Juned.]
(In Jamie’s car. Quinn is up front with Jamie, while Daria
is in the back seat with Joey and Jeffy)
Daria(teasing): “Would
anybody like me to rest my head on their shoulders?”
Quinn(Frustrated Grunt).
Jamie: “You can rest on my
shoulder, Quinn.”
Quinn: “That’s fine, Jamie.”
Daria(still teasing):
“Why don’t we go to Chez Pierre?(sing-song)
I’ve got coupons.”
Quinn(Similar grunt, but whinier).
Daria(teasing): “Something
wrong, Quinn?”
Quinn(angrily): “No,
I just thought we’d be better off at Pizza King.”
Daria: “Pizza king, it is.”
(Brief pause. Jeffy tries to make a move on Daria.)
Daria (to Joey,
teasing): “I like brunettes. Do you like brunettes, Joey?”
Joey (Still
mesmerized, not thinking): “Uh, huh.”
Jeffy: “I can dye my hair if you like.”
Quinn looks away toward the passenger side window, green
with envy. Jamie occasionally looks at her with concern and sympathy, but has
to concentrate on his driving.
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(at Pizza King)
Quinn: “Daria, would you mind sitting at another table?”
Joey: “I’ll sit with you, Daria.”
Jeffy: “Yeah, me too.”
Joey: “No, just me.”
Jamie: “I’ll sit with you
Quinn.”
Quinn: “Sure, Jamie. I could use the company (V.O.)….not to
mention the chance to prove I’m more popular than Daria.”
Jamie: “Alright!”
Quinn & Jamie and Daria, Joey and Jeffy are now at
separate stalls. Unfortunately for Quinn, they can see each other. Out of
nowhere, Daria kisses Jeffy smack dab on the lips. He’s more surprised about it
than she is. She then goes to Joey who’s eagerly anticipating another
smooch-fest from Daria.
Jamie now realizes Daria’s trying to make Quinn jealous. So
he reaches over to french kiss Quinn.
Quinn: “Auuugh! That’s disgusting!!”
(Storms off into the girls’ bathroom.)
Daria: “Okay guys. I think you’ll get her back in a few
days.”
(Joey and Jeffy moan in disappointment)
Jamie: “But she just said…”
Daria(interrupting):
“Don’t worry, Jamie. In a few days she’ll be back to normal.”
Joey: “Uh, Daria.”
Daria: “Yes?”
Joey: “Would you mind if I kissed you one more time?
Pleeease?”
Daria: “Well, alright.”
(Joey and Daria move in on each other, hugging while running
their hands through each other’s hair. Viewers see the back of Joey’s head
nearly covering all of Daria’s face).
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(at school, in the hallway)
Jane: “And you What?!”
Daria: “I dressed up like Quinn. I went out with Joey and
Jeffy, while Quinn had Jamie. She
nearly flipped.”
Jane: “I’d love to make a videotape of that. (Daria glares and smirks at Jane) But seriously, how did it
go?”
Daria: “Not bad, considering their collective I.Q.’s. Joey’s
actually quite a good kisser, for someone so stupid, desperate and
inexperienced.”
Jane: “You didn’t go any further than that, like have a
threesome with them, did you?”
Daria: “With them? I don’t think either one of them could
handle the shock.”
Jane(Relieved): “Neither
could I.”
(Camera pans over to the fashion club walking by)
Quinn: “Yeah, I didn’t even write the essay, I found it in
the garbage and handed it in. The whole thing was like a runaway train.”
Sandi: “Well that still doesn’t explain black clothes. But I
guess I can let it slide.”
Quinn: “Don’t worry, I’m through being an intellectual. I’m
too well-adjusted.”
Tiffany: “Messing with the mind can be so dangerous.”
Quinn: “Tell me about it.”
Jane: “I guess things are back to normal.”
Daria: “Fashion... Good. Thinking... Bad.”
Jane: “Yeah, we win.”
Daria: “I’m on top of the world.”
(closing credits)
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Comments: Now that wasn’t so bad, was it? Admittedly,
it’s not the original, but I still think it’s a pretty cool alternative. Of
course, if the writers actually did
make it end like this, we wouldn’t have seen Quinn try to bribe Daria with a
double date in “The New Kid”(#207), because Quinn would’ve learned her lesson
here. After all, she’s not a complete idiot, like Kevin & Brittany.
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Disclaimer: Daria was created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn. The
episode “Quinn the Brain” was written by Rachel Lipman. All characters and the
rest of the supporting cast, are property of MTV Productions, and are used
without permission. This story is not to be sold or profited from, nor was it
intended to be sold or profited from by the author. Besides, the original
should be on DVD anyway and if it is by the time you’re reading this, you
should buy that instead. Thanks to the denizens of the Paperpusher Message
Board for their compliments and other comments.
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