SMACKDOWN
by
GALEN HARDESTY
_________________
Scene 1 Int. Lawndale High, Mr. O’Neill’s English Lit class. Daria looks out the door, frowns, writes on her notepad, tears off the sheet and slips it to Jane. Jane reads, nods, then clutches her abdomen, grimaces and groans a little. Daria leans over, puts her hand on Jane’s shoulder, they put their heads together briefly. Mr. O’Neill looks over, concerned. Daria rises, goes up to Mr. O’Neill, whispers to him. O’Neill fills out two hall passes, gives them to Daria. Daria helps Jane up, they exit.
Scene 2 Int Lawndale High, ladies’ restroom, several minutes later. We see only Daria and Jane, but the door to the last stall is closed.
Jane: Got any smack?
Daria: No. They said the shipment’s overdue.
Jane: Come on, Daria! I need it!
Daria: Sorry. They’re sending more smack. Be here same time tomorrow.
Jane: (whiny) Dammit! You better have it tomorrow, man!
Daria: Shut up. I’ll have it when I get it. (they exit.)
Scene 3 Ext. Lawndale residential neighborhood. Daria and Jane are walking home from school.
Jane: All right. I’ve waited all day. Now we’re totally out of sight of the school. Explain the Guerilla Theater in the restroom.
Daria: Ms. Li was hiding in the last stall, for the second day in a row.
Jane: What for? Is she trying to catch Andrea smoking?
Daria: Maybe. Maybe her sophisticated electronic surveillance gear packed it in. Again. Maybe she likes watersports.
Jane: Eewww, Daria! Jeez! (bt) So, why does this bug you, particularly?
Daria: Maybe it offends me that she thinks that a locked stall door with no feet showing beneath it won’t make me suspicious. Maybe I just don’t like being spied on.
Jane: And/or...?
Daria: Mmnmrhmnrrhm...
Jane: Daria?
Daria: That last stall is mine, darn it!
Jane: Heeheehee! That’s so sweet! Okay, so that brings us to the evil, devious scheme I somehow sense you’ve concocted.
Daria: I think you’re gonna like this one. You get to perform and you’ll probably get free publicity. All we have to do is...
{commercial break}
(commercial for Milly Vanilly’s new album, "We Can Sing! Really!")
(cut to)
(This is one of those Daria-and-Jane-as-narrators things where only their eyes and lips move. Daria and Jane are lying in propped-up coffins. The background is a cemetery at night with two reopened graves. Their complexions are like those of the Undead on the SSW segments. Daria is wearing a pink taffeta dress with a matching hair bow, and has apparently been made up by Quinn as revenge for something. Her glasses are missing. Jane is wearing Daria’s bridesmaid dress from "I Don’t. Their hands are folded on their chests in typical "Dear Departed" fashion.)
Daria: Hi, gang. (Her voice is lower pitched and kind of burbly) These are the earthly remains of Daria Morgendorffer.
Jane: And Jane Lane. (Same with Jane’s voice)
Daria: Reminding you not to be caught dead missing the MTV Halloween Special, "The Horror Of Daria!" We’re going to run every last gruesome episode of Daria, in ghastly numerical order. Divided into two-hour segments with NO commercial interruptions, each followed by a half-hour of commercials with NO entertainment interruptions. Could it get any more horrible than that?
Jane: YES! It can! Starting at midnight...
Daria: ooOOooh!
Jane: ...we’ll be running every loathsome episode of Beavis and Butthead that Daria appeared in, even briefly, concluding with the never-aired...
Daria: Because it was just too awful...
Jane: SERIES PILOT!
Daria: And then, if that weren’t horrifying enough, we’re gonna do the whole thing again, starting with the angst-ridden Episode #101, Esteemsters! I promise, you’ll be a zombie by morning! Muuahahahahaah! (looks offscreen, presumably at a monitor) Hey! Is that what I look like? My corpse has been defiled!
Jane: (looks where Daria was looking) Gaaah! You and me both!
Daria: I’m gonna rise from the dead and eat Quinn’s face off!
Jane: Right behind you. Can I eat her brain?
Daria: Sure, if you can find it.
(cut to)
Int. Cafe Lawndale. Timothy O’Neill faces the camera, polishing a coffee mug with a bar towel. The stage with mike stand is seen behind him.
O’Neill: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’d like to invite you to come down to Cafe Lawndale to attend a reading of BY ANY OTHER NAME, by Daria Morkenforker. (Melody Powers has soundlessly walked up behind him.)
Melody:
Morgendorffer!O’Neill: EEP! (He jumps, drops the mug; it doesn’t break. He looks at Melody, then at Melody’s neckline, then hastily back at the camera.) Uhh, yes, Morgendorffer. A timeless tale of duty and honor...
Melody: Life! Death! Blood! Guts!
O’Neill: Um, set against the backdrop of today’s dangerous and uncertain political and moral landscape.
Melody: Love! Lust! Lingerie! Partial nudity! (She leans toward the camera a little)
O’Neill: Ahhh... (swallows) Episode Two of the epic miniseries BLOOD OATH OF PATRIOTS, it continues the saga of Melody Powers’ struggle against the forces of evil...
Melody: (mutters) Damn near an epic miniseries all by itself. (aloud) Madness! Deceit! Betrayal! Inappropriate touching! And that’s just Daria!
O’Neill: Eep! (rushing) Tonight at Cafe Lawndale! Coming soon to a Daria fanfic website near you! (runs offscreen left)
Melody: And don’t forget (locks in Femme Fatale Pose #1) Now in production (flows to Femme Fatale Pose #2) Episode III- THE CITADEL OF LOU MANCHU!
{end commercial break}
Scene 4 Int. Lawndale High, ladies’ restroom, next day. We see only Daria and Jane, but the door to the last stall is closed. No feet show beneath it.
Jane: Whatcha got?
Daria: Smack. Dime bags.
Jane: Great! Gimme two.
Daria: That’s thirty.
Jane: What?! You bloodsucking...
Daria: They raised the price on me. I gotta pass it along. You want it or not?
Jane: Yes, dammit! Here! (They make the exchange. A soft rustle and crackle is heard. Low mumbling from the last stall is also heard, but Daria and Jane seem not to notice. They exit.)
Scene 5 Int. Lawndale High, hallway. Daria and Jane emerge from the ladies’ restroom and are immediately swarmed by plainclothes policemen waving guns and badges. A press photographer runs up behind the police and begins taking flash photos. The clackwhineclackwhine of a motorized Nikon is heard. A TV camera crew is right beside the photographer.
Various Police: (all at once) Police! Narcotics! Hold it right there! Hands up! Don’t move! Turn around! Freeze! Up against the wall! Don’t move! Spread ‘em! You got needles? Hands on top of your head! You got a gun? Hands behind your head! You HIV positive? Hands on the wall! Where’s the dope?
Ms. Li: (emerging from restroom) I’ve got you now, Morgendorffer! At last I’m rid of your disruptive meddling! Thought you were smarter than me, didn’t you? Well, now we’ll see who’s the smart...
Head Nark: (lays a hand on Li’s shoulder) Ms. Li, we found the "smack". (He holds up two brightly colored packages labeled:
Smack Ramen Noodles CHICKEN FLAVOR. Ms. Li goes pale.)"Smack" is a trademark of Union Foods Irvine CA.
Scene 6 Int Morgendorffer house, family room.
Reporter (on TV) And leading off the local news at noon, two high school students were arrested this morning in a massive drug raid on Lawndale High. It was discovered that one student had sold the other two packages of noodles for thirty cents. The two female students, shown here, one an honor student and the other a noted local artist, were said to be severely traumatized by the assault-style arrest and were not available for comment. Lawndale High Principal Angela Li, who tipped the Narcotics squad to the alleged drug deal, refused to comment on advice of counsel. The County Superintendent of Schools has appointed a special task force to investigate the arrests. "It is not our policy to treat our students like drug lords.", he said. "We will take whatever steps are necessary to prevent a repeat of this unfortunate incident."
Helen: (on phone) That’s not an offer, that’s an insult! We either want a million five for each of them, or we want Li’s head on a pike! And a million each.
Jane: (curled up on a love seat drinking hot cocoa) And I want my smack back!
Jake: (hugging Daria, rubbing her back) There, there, punkin! It’s all over now! Daddy won’t let anything bad happen to his kiddo!
Daria: (head pressed into Jake’s chest, but we just barely see one side of a smirk) It was awful! Awful!
La la LA la la.
14 October 2001- This is my FIFTH fanfic. After nearly two months, I’ve just finished my fourth fic, BY ANY OTHER NAME, which I hope someone will be kind enough to post soon. I wrote this one to prove to myself that I’m capable of writing something decent in less than a coon’s age. (No, I don’t know what that means.) I finished it in three hours, except for the commercial break. Please let me know what you think of it.
Disclaimer
"Daria" and all related characters are trademarks of MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International, inc. The author does not claim copyright to these characters or to anything else in the "Daria" milieu; he does, however, claim copyright to all those parts of this work of fiction which are original to him and not to MTV or to other fanfic authors. This fanfic may be freely copied and distributed provided its contents remain unchanged, provided the author's name and email address are included, and provided that the distributor does not use it for monetary profit. (as if.)
Galen Hardesty [gehardesty@yahoo.com]