by Lawndale Stalker
Charles Ruttheimer III tried to figure out where he was. Everything seemed bathed in a pure golden light of exceeding brightness. A form swam into his view--- a feminine form of unearthly, ethereal beauty. "Ooh," he mumbled, "An angel. This must be heaven."
The angel gazed intently into his eyes, radiating love and compassion. "How do you feel?"
Charles wondered vaguely how he’d died, and how he’d managed to get into heaven. "The bells, the bells. They’re so beautiful..."
"Try to stand up," the celestial being said. Charles would have been content to lie there on the grass of what must have been the Elysian Fields for the rest of eternity and gaze on her loveliness, but her words were so wise and kind that he knew he must obey. He made vague getting-up motions.
"There’s a chain link fence behind you. Pull yourself up on that," the angel told him. Reaching back, Charles found that there was indeed a chain link fence there. He was vaguely surprised that there were chain link fences in Heaven. Perhaps the angel had put it there just for him, he thought. What a nice angel.
It seemed to take him almost no time to pull himself to his feet. He seemed to almost float in Heaven’s gentle, fuzzy gravity. Smiling, Charles turned toward the angel, hoping very much that he had pleased her.
"Good," the angel said in her angelic voice, sending a thrill of indescribable happiness through Charles. She pointed. "Your house is that way. You should go lie down for a while."
Oh, joy. Something else he could do to please the angel. Charles turned in the direction she had pointed. There was a sudden fluctuation of the celestial gravity, but he managed to keep his feet. Charles set off to find his mansion in the sky, so he could lie down there and further please the lovely angel.
Jane walked up to stand beside Daria, and together they watched Upchuck weaving unsteadily homeward. "Let me see if I have this straight. Upchuck tries to cop a feel, and you kick him in the family jewels."
"Kick him in the knee?"
"Knee him in the jewels."
"Knee him in the jewels. But then you gaze into his eyes, help him up, and sweetly suggest that he go home and take a nap."
Daria continued to observe Upchuck’s wobbly progress down the sidewalk. "Well, I was thinking perhaps I shouldn’t have kicked him in the head after he was down. His pupils are both the same size, so he probably doesn’t have a concussion. So I sent him home."
"You’re getting soft, Morgendorffer. Next time I guess you’ll just slap his hand and ask him nicely not to do that."
"Hey, if you’re going to insult me, at least buy me a slice of pizza."
La la LA la la.