by Lawndale Stalker
April 04

I first posted this in the "Scenes No Daria Fic Should Ever Have" thread on the Paperpusherís Message Board.


 As Daria and Jane approached Casa Lane, they could see that Trent was sitting on the front step. "Hey, Trent," Jane called, "Did you forget your key?"

Trent laugh/coughed. "Not this time. Uh, Daria, I have a couple of things to tell you."

Daria looked up at him and blushed. There was no logical explanation for it, but Janeís older brother made her feel all gooshy inside. "Yes, Trent?" she managed to get out.

"You remember that lottery ticket we went in together on at the store last week? It was a winner. Hereís your half." He pulled a huge wad of bills out of the pocket of his torn jeans and handed it to her.

"Wow! What luck!" said Daria, taking the money and beginning to stuff it in her jacket pockets. "This is wonderful! Whatís the other thing?"

"Daria, I canít deny it anymore. I love you. I realize now that the difference in our ages is meaningless. Will you marry me?"

Dariaís head spun. She felt her knees buckle. Then she felt Trentís strong arms around her. "Daria, my love! Speak to me!" he cried.

Daria smiled muzzily up at him. "Oh, Trent! You donít know how Iíve yearned to hear you say that! I long for you to rip off my clothes and take me right here on the sidewalk! ButÖ I canít."

Trent looked stricken. "Daria! Donít say that! I canít face life without you!"

"No, I meanÖ I canít give you an answer right now. I have to think. Thatís just the way I am! Look, I have to go home anyway. Mom and Dad have something they want to tell me. IíllÖ Iíll get back to you."

"Well, okay, but hurry, Daria. Every minute Iím without youÖ" Trent was interrupted by a fit of coughing and gagging from Jane. She spit out a big green fly that had apparently flown into her mouth, and continued to gag and spit. Daria took the opportunity to head homeward.

Walking along on autopilot, Daria wasnít sure whether her feet we still touching the ground or not. Visions of Trentís face replaced the suburban Lawndale landscape. Happening to stick her hands in her pockets, she felt the sheafs of money. "This has got to be the luckiest day of my life!" she thought.

Suddenly a figure stepped from behind a bush onto the sidewalk ahead of her. Dragging her thoughts away from Trent, Daria recognized Sandi Griffin. "Hi, Sandi! Isnít is a wonderful day?"

"Not yet, but it will be," replied Sandi in a peculiar tone. Daria noticed that Sandi had her hands behind her back.

"What do you mean, Sandi?"

"Iíve been like, waiting for you, Daria. Ever since you came to Lawndale High, my life has been getting steadily worse. At first, I didnít realize you were the cause of it, but I eventually figured it out. The teachers started expecting the students to actually study and stuff, and get good grades. The students started to question why the Fashion Club should run things, and are even starting to question out popularity. And lately, Quinn and Stacy are starting to act like brains. And itís all your fault! Well, Iím going to fix that. If a brain is the problem, Iíve got the solution right here!"

Sandi brought her hands into view. In her right hand was a shiny aluminum baseball bat. She gripped its handle with her left hand and advanced on Daria. "Say goodbye, you unfashionable geek!" she snarled as she raised the bat high over her head.

"Goodbye, Trent, my love!" Daria cried.

There was a blinding flash and a deafening crack. "So this is what it feels like to have your skull bashed in by a baseball bat," she thought. Then she realized that she hadnít actually felt anything except a strong tingling.

Daria rubbed at her eyes, and her vision began to clear. There on the sidewalk before her was a puddle of molten aluminum and the charred, smoking, nearly unrecognizable corpse of Sandi Griffin. Wow, what luck! She must have been struck by lightning, thought Daria as she stepped around the smoldering remains. Ears ringing and colored streaks floating in front of her eyes, she continued homeward.

Before she reached 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, however, Daria was startled by the honking of a car horn. Blinking, she determined that she was still on the sidewalk and not on the street. She squinted and shaded her eyes.

"Daria! Get in the car!" came her motherís voice from her left. Turning toward the sound, she saw her motherís red SUV stopped in the street. Feeling sheepish, she walked over and got inside.

"Where are we going?" she asked when sheíd fastened her seat belt.

"To the airport, to pick up your brother," her father said from the front passenger seat.

"Excuse me?" was all Daria could say.

"We just got a letter from your older brother, whom we thought was stillborn," said her mother. "It turns out he was stolen and sold to a filthy rich childless couple. He just found out weíre his real parents, and heísÖ heÖ" Helen seemed to lose her voice.

"Heís flying in to meet us! And heís a billionaire!" Jake finished for her.

"Thatís great! Wow, what luck!" Daria exclaimed. "Is that what you wanted to tell me?"

Silence like concrete suddenly filled the car. After several long, uncomfortable seconds, Daria said, "Mom? Dad?"

Another silence, then Jake burst out, "Damn you, old man! This is your fault, somehow!íí and then burst into tears.

"Huh? Whatís his fault? What?" Daria asked anxiously.

"DariaÖ" Helen said in a strained voice, "Your doctor called."

"Did he find out whatís causing my headaches?"

"Yes, dear, he did. You have aÖ a brain tumor."

Another, even longer, silence ensued. Finally, Daria said, in a small, frightened voice, "AndÖ?"

"And youíve only got six months to live! Aauggh!!" Jake howled.

After what seemed like an eternity, a voice interrupted the music on the radio. "Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt this program to bring you a special announcement by the President of the United States." Then came another voice, that of the President. "My fellow Americans, it is with a heavy heart that I bring you this news. The astronomers and astrophysicists of the world have concluded that our sun is on the brink of going nova. This will occur in three or four months. All life on earth will be destroyed, and there is nothing that can be done to stop it. Panic is useless. It was decided that we should tell you this so that you may put your affairs in order and use what time remains wisely and well. Iím gonna boogie till I go blind! Goodbye, and God bless us, every one."

After a few seconds, somber instrumental music began playing on the radio. The Morgendorffers sat in stunned silence. Finally Daria said, "What luck. I donít have to worry about that brain tumor."


Authorís note: None of the events in the above ficlet are original to me. I swiped them from fanfics by several other authors. I figured, "Hey, if youíre gonna steal, steal lots!"