Synopsis: The combination of the newly invented ‘Fem-A-Sizer’ and the Fashion Club results in chaos. (Set during Season 3)
Acknowledgements: This story was originally posted on the PPMB as a ‘serial script’, between 3/25/05-3/31/05. Thanks go out to The Angst Guy, Sleepless, SteveBlumDeckler, Lawndale Stalker and AJ Smith for their helpful feedback. Further thanks to ScissorsMacGillicutty, PolemArch and E.A Smith for successfully solving the bonus allusion challenge, discovering references to William Wordsworth, Sylvester Stallone and the Talking Heads. A distinguished group.
[We open with a dark laboratory, illuminated only by periodic lightning. This setting is soon disrupted by a familiar voice.]
BARCH: All those hours of work, in the utmost secrecy. I should really get overtime for this… No, the results will be worthwhile enough if I succeed.
[She appears contemplative.]
BARCH: And all those men said that it couldn’t be done. Maybe not according to their misogynistic beliefs, but I’ll soon show them!
[Janet Barch moves towards a veiled machine. She removes the veil.]
BARCH: It is aliv…I mean, up with women! I call you the Fem-A-Sizer!
[Said machine is shown. It looks like an oversized drill, with a complicated array of buttons and switches lining its side. The other side displays the title in large red letters.]
BARCH: Better make sure it works.
[After briefly adjusting the controls, she shoots a blue ray into herself. Within seconds, Barch has become ten feet tall. Unfortunately, the ceiling is only nine feet.]
BARCH: Ow! Damn ceilings, glass or otherwise! At least the machine appears to function properly. Still, I cannot let this get into the wrong hands. Used incorrectly, it could endanger Lawndale and all within it. [Thinks] Where are people least likely to find this? Room 121! There is one thing I have to do first.
(Barch restores herself to her usual size)
[Cut to Room 121. Barch has just finished lugging her contraption throughout the halls of Lawndale High, and has placed it in the corner. A close-up reveals that the settings have changed.]
BARCH: This room hasn’t been used since I started teaching at this school. It should be safe here until I can get this thing home. I’ll be Barch! [Laughs] I should use that one sometime. [Leaves.]
QUINN: What do you mean we can’t meet in our usual room!
DEFOE: I’m very sorry girls, but I’ve been asked to repaint the walls of this room, using student labour. Ms. Li is very tight with funds. [Beat. Low voice.] Don’t tell anyone I just said that, ok?
STACY: Where is the other room?
DEFOE: Room 121, I think.
[The Fashion Club walks off. Cut to Defoe, supervising the painting process.]
DEFOE: That’s it, long fluid strokes.
JANE: Can we use any other colours? White on white has been done. I’d really like to do a mural.
DEFOE: That would be wonderful Jane, but we only have white paint and a looming deadline.
JANE: Darn. Look, I should probably attend my Math class. My solid C average can’t maintain itself. I trust my classmates can finish this ‘work’.
[Cut to Kevin, painting unevenly.]
KEVIN: Hey babe, I’m Michaelangela!
[Defoe overhears this remark.]
[Cut to the Fashion Club, beginning their journey.]
QUINN: I hope it isn’t too far to walk.
TIFFANY: Not…long distance…
SANDI: Well, there’s only one way to find out. Let’s go.
[Cut to the Fashion Club walking down a lengthy corridor, exhausted from their efforts.]
SANDI: When will it end?
QUINN: Feels like we’ve been walking for freakin’ hours.
STACY: Don’t worry; we’re almost there. See? [Gestures toward end of corridor. A close-up reveals that she is pointing at Room 121.]
QUINN: We’ve never had to use this room before. Damn Art students making us walk so far for our meeting. What gives them the right?
SANDI: They forget their place on the social scale. Let the meeting begin.
[They inspect the room. It is non-descript, containing several chairs and a table. These do not appear to have been recently disturbed, as a ‘Vote for Perot ‘92’ sticker indicates. Tucked away in the corner is the Fem-A-Sizer. The Fashion Club do not notice this contraption, having more important things to focus their energies upon.]
QUINN: Eww! It looks dingy!
TIFFANY: Yeah, dingy…
SANDI: We’ll manage, somehow.
[Cut to midway throughout the meeting.]
QUINN: And that is why strapless sandals are the ideal footwear for spring.
STACY: Yeah, and they don’t leave those ugly marks on your feet.
TIFFANY: Stacy, eww…
SANDI: Don’t worry. You can put this gum wrapper in the garbage.
STACY: [Resignedly] Ok.
[Stacy walks over to the corner. She now sees the Fem-A-Sizer.]
STACY: Guys, what is this?
QUINN: It’s probably just a prop.
SANDI: But what if it was real? Then we could improve our figures even more. [Quieter] At least those of us who are not already beautiful.
QUINN: It’s nice to dream.
TIFFANY: Why dream? It couldn’t hurt to try…
[Quinn looks at the panel.]
QUINN: How does this thing work?
SANDI: Try the red button. It doesn’t really matter.
QUINN: Ok Sandi. [Presses button, than joins her friends in fashion.]
SANDI: What a surprise. Nothing happene---
[An intense blue beam interrupts Sandi’s statement.]
SANDI: What was that?
QUINN: Cool special effects.
STACY: Uh, guys? I don’t think those were special effects.
QUINN: Let’s get out of here!
[Sandi, Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany run through the rear door, escaping onto an empty field. Their timing is fortunate, as they soon begin to grow… And continue doing so, until reaching the height of fifty feet. Their clothes have grown with them.]
SANDI: What happened? I felt like I was in an elevator.
QUINN: I don’t know, but the school looks much smaller than usual…
STACY: So do the trees. I think we’ve become bigger.
SANDI: That would seem likely. But how big are we?
QUINN: Wait, if the trees only reach here, [Gestures toward knees] we must be fifty feet tall!
(Tiffany responds to this frightening situation in the only way possible.)
TIFFANY: Does being fifty feet tall make me look fat?
STACY: No Tiffany, your weight is just right, honest!
SANDI: We should go somewhere quieter.
QUINN: Good idea Sandi!
[They walk off into the distance.]
[Daria and Jane are shown walking home from school.]
DARIA: Where were you at lunch?
JANE: Indentured labour.
DARIA: Science, Slavery, Math, all in a day’s work.
JANE: Yeah. Your sister and her friends also dropped by, looking for a Room 121.
DARIA: No wonder I didn’t hear the sad still music of shallowness today.
[Following this remark, loud footsteps are suddenly heard.]
JANE: What was that?
DARIA: Some sort of tremor, I think. But Lawndale doesn’t get earthquakes.
[Jane glances backwards. In the distance the Fashion Club are visible walking away.]
JANE: Uh, Daria, I think I know why.
JANE: The Fashion Club and their footsteps.
DARIA: They’re not loud. Quinn considers superfluous noise to be unfashionable.
JANE: Except ‘Boys Are Guys.’ Turn around to find the answer.
DARIA: Oh no. Quinn has become a monster… moreso!
JANE: They’re taking fashion to new heights.
DARIA: This isn’t the time.
JANE: There’s always time for cutting remarks. [Faux-dramatic.] They are all we have. Think they’ll turn on the town?
DARIA: Maybe not at first. When they realise that no clothing comes in their size, then we’re in trouble. I’d rather not take the chance. But I should let my parents know first. They’re in for enough of a shock without worrying about me.
JANE: Good idea. But how?
DARIA: By either phoning or dropping in to visit their workplaces. Maybe I can chalk it up as work experience. Could you drive us into town?
[Cut to a forest. Sandi, Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany are gathered.]
SANDI: As president of the Fashion Club, I believe we should discuss how we shall manage being unfashionably gigantic. What are our problems?
[Tiffany does not hear this last question, as she is trying to see her reflection in a lake.]
SANDI: Tiffany, please focus.
STACY: How are going to get clothes? These ones aren’t going to last forever and even if they don’t get dirty then we have to worry about them becoming out-of-date and risk looking like geeks and being unable to hide our shame!
QUINN: Stacy! We’ll ask Cashmans if they know any distributors who could help. They wouldn’t abandon us. ‘Blush’ won’t be released for another fortnight, so there’s still time to keep up with fashion.
STACY: Great idea Quinn!
SANDI: Problem solved. What next?
TIFFANY: Do I…look fat?
TIFFANY: But I weigh so much…
SANDI: We cannot help that. At least we are perfectly proportionate.
QUINN: What if we need to go to the bathroom?
STACY: We have the forest.
SANDI: Nature shall be our bathroom.
TIFFANY: Does it have a mirror?
QUINN: The teeny people will be scared. We should let them know that they won’t be hurt, unless they’re mean.
SANDI: I’ll handle it, somehow. Let’s move.
[Cut to the center of Lawndale. Due to an unrelated parade, the streets are packed with people. Their collective attention has been diverted.]
SANDI: Uh-hem. (Slight cough.) People of Lawndale, please remain calm. As president of the Fashion Club, I assure you that we mean no harm. Due to circumstances beyond our control we are now very big. We hope that you will not fear us, and go about your little lives in peace… Thank you.
QUINN: That was great Sandi!
SANDI: Gee, thanks. I couldn’t do it without your support.
[Cut to streets below.]
O’NEILL: Isn’t it nice that they could resolve their problems peacefully rather than resorting to violence?
DEMARTINO: I fear that this won’t be the end of it.
O’NEILL: Come on Anthony, have a little faith in your students.
DEMARTINO: They caused me enough trouble normally. I doubt that they would listen to reason now!
[Cut to elsewhere in the crowd.]
JANE: And you said that Quinn couldn’t be a bigger annoyance.
DARIA: Shows me for relying upon logic. [Sighs] Why does this always have to happen here?
JANE: What do you mean?
DARIA: Our town is a center for the bizarre. It was only last month that holidays were roaming Lawndale.
JANE: I was trying to block that out, in the hope of it all being a dream… Or a source for future works.
DARIA: And that’s besides the hurricane causing a spontaneous musical outburst.
JANE: At least the town had an opportunity to hear my pipes.
DARIA: Drowned out by the winds.
JANE: Not a bad thing, in hindsight. But you’re right. This is nothing new. Although I still don’t trust your sister and her cronies.
DARIA: We should leave until this thing blows over. But I need to make some calls first. Damn these crowded streets! [Dials number on mobile phone.] Hi Mom, just calling to let you know that Quinn and her friends are now giants…
[Cut to Helen’s office, although Daria’s dialogue remains audible.]
HELEN: (Sounding stressed) I’m very busy with the Jarnydce case. This isn’t a good time for jokes.
DARIA: I’m not kidding.
HELEN: It’s impossible. How could have--
[Helen suddenly sees Tiffany staring through her window.]
[Helen rapidly recovers her composure.]
HELEN: Wait, you’re right. I don’t know how, but you are. Have they destroyed anything yet?
DARIA: No. I don’t feel like risking it though. I was thinking of fleeing the town.
DARIA: You’ve seen how Quinn treats me normally. I don’t want to see how she would now.
HELEN: Good point. But please go somewhere that I can easily keep in contact with you. [Thinks.] What if I call your Aunt Amy? Assuming you can get to Boston.
DARIA: I can, but will need Jane for chauffeur duties.
HELEN: If it’s necessary. Oh, could you let your father know? Better if he finds out from a family member that isn’t fifty feet tall.
DARIA: Thanks. I’ll let Dad know. Bye. [Daria dials another phone number.] Hello?
[Meanwhile, the Fashion Club discuss the crowds around them.]
STACY: Do you think any of our family is watching us?
TIFFANY: They could be looking…
QUINN: Can’t see mine here.
Isn’t that your cousin down there?
QUINN: Yeah, but they, isn’t that your family over there? [Points]
[Cut to Griffin family. They look at Sandi.]
SAM: Let’s never bug Sandi again.
CHRIS: You’re right.
TOM: You know, the threat of destruction by giants really brings families together.
LINDA: Not when one of them is your daughter!
TOM: Oh. Never thought of that.
[Cut back to the Fashion Club in mid-conversation.]
QUINN: So then Brooke came in wearing an outfit with uncoordinated colours!
STACY: Very unprofessional.
SANDI: Yes. Is it possible that we could get some supplies?
QUINN: [Quietly] I could ask. [Louder] Can anyone help us?
[Cut to below.]
JAMIE: I’ll help you Quinn!
JEFFY: I’ll get you supplies made just for you!
JOEY: I’ll get them quicker!
[Unfortunately, this dialogue is inaudible to Quinn. However, she does see the three J’s excited motions, and lifts them to her ear.]
JEFFY: Uh, I know a guy who can help you.
JOEY: Sure you do. What you need is to talk to the Mayor. My dad can arrange it.
JAMIE: Uh, I’ll get you some low-fat popcorn and diet soda!
QUINN: Thanks guys! That would be nice.
[She places them on the ground.]
JEFFY: Ow, my ears hurt!
JAMIE: I guess I appreciate Quinn’s voice more.
JOEY: Shut up guys. We’ve got work to do.
(Open on Jane and Daria in The Tank. Jane is driving, Daria not having obtained her license.)
JANE: Lucky that Max found a cheap SUV for their latest tour.
DARIA: Yeah. Mystik Spiral has hit the big time. How long until they sell out?
JANE: You have to sell before selling out, so it will be a while before we see Trent hawking Pepsi.
DARIA: At least that would keep him awake.
JANE: [Imitating a fan] “I knew him when he was slothful.”
DARIA: Yeah. I thought there would be more traffic. You know, people fleeing Lawndale.
JANE: They’d rather wait for the destruction to begin.
DARIA: That isn’t certain.
JANE: It’s the Fashion Club.
DARIA: Hope they haven’t begun already.
[Cut to Fashion Club]
QUINN: What should we ask for in the meeting?
STACY: We could ask for a place to stay so we aren’t left out here in the cold with only buildings to sit on. Especially when they’re rough.
TIFFANY: Is that because I’m fat?
STACY: No! You’re not fat, obese or overweight in any way! [Takes a deep breath]
QUINN: We have power now. We should demand a steady supply of clothes. I saw a special about custom-sized clothes being made. Our figures can’t be too much of a stretch.
SANDI: Good idea Quinn. Maybe you should impeach…
QUINN: Not now. Our looks are at stake.
SANDI: Sorry. Force of habit.
QUINN: Food would also be good… But not too much.
SANDI: OK. We’ll ask for food, lodging and clothing. Anything else?
TIFFANY: How about…a mirror?
SANDI: Can’t you use an office building?
TIFFANY: I already did… They didn’t like it.
SANDI: Some people just don’t understand fashion.
BUREAUCRAT: (On loudspeaker) Please come to Town Hall so we can discuss your needs.
SANDI: We’ll be there as soon as we can.
[The Fashion Club sets off, trying their best to avoid destroying anything or anyone. Cut to below, with many onlookers gawking.]
BRITTANY: How could it happen?
KEVIN: Uh, growth spurt?
BRITTANY: Not that quickly!
KEVIN: I don’t know babe, I just don’t know!
BRITTANY: Kevvy, I’m scared.
KEVIN: Don’t worry. You’re with me now.
[They kiss. Cut to a familiar figure standing nearby.]
BARCH: How reassuring…Fools! Especially Kevin!
BARCH: Oh shut up, you man! Everybody knows that this could only be the product of the Fem-A-Sizer…[Quieter] or they would if I had gotten a better publicist. I must reclaim my machine to save the day. But first, to gather some supplies. My machine must still be in the school… [Sets off.]
KEVIN: That was weird.
[Quick cut to Amy’s Boston apartment.]
AMY: Ah, my favourite niece. And her partner-in-cynicism.
AMY: I’m glad to see you both, although the circumstances are unusual. Has Helen been working too much lately?
DARIA: More of a permanent state. Besides, I was the one who let her know.
AMY: If it wasn’t Lawndale, I’d have doubted her.
JANE: So you heard about the holidays and the hurricane?
AMY: No actually, but in a city featured that often on Sick Sad World, anything is possible. Which reminds me… [Amy turns on television.] Make yourselves comfortable.
[Display television with footage of Quinn & Co]
ANNNOUNCER: Tonight, we talk to the world’s biggest club! The real Teen Titans, on Sick Sad World.
DARIA: Oh dear.
JANE: We have to watch!
[We return to Lawndale. The Mayor is standing on top of Town Hall, using a loudspeaker.]
MAYOR: What do you want?
QUINN: We would like some cuisine, regular changes of clothing to stay in fashion, and a place to stay. [Tiffany whispers in Quinn’s ear.] And a giant mirror.
MAYOR: Tonnes of food? A giant house? Well we don’t have that sort of money!
SANDI: I thought this town was rich.
MAYOR: Oh it is… But this sort of thing would set a bad precedent. If we spent up on you, everybody will be demanding free handouts. It’d be bad for the economy.
QUINN: Forget the economy. Do you have a place that we can stay in? We can’t stand forever!
MAYOR: You can sleep in the forest. But don’t damage anything. The environmental groups are already protesting my pro-logging policies. Damn hippies. So no, we can’t help you at the moment. However, we will send word to Congress, who will hopefully pass legislation allowing you kids the funding you deserve!
STACY: How long will this take?
MAYOR: Oh, only six to eight months, tops!
QUINN: (Annoyed) Six to eight months?
SANDI: This meeting is over.
[Cut to Amy’s apartment. Daria is in the middle of recounting the day’s events.]
DARIA: And we figured that Lawndale wasn’t the safest place to stay.
JANE: It’s risky enough for us outsider types as it is.
AMY: An admirable decision. And did many people have the same idea?
DARIA: No. They think they’re safe. Some people are enjoying the situation.
[Quick cut to Upchuck leering.]
[Return to apartment.]
AMY: Hang on. I’ll order us some pizza. [Amy walks over to telephone.]
JANE: Pizza and Sick Sad World? This would be a good place to live.
DARIA: It almost sounds like you want Lawndale to be destroyed.
JANE: Just trying to make the best of a bad situation.
[We again return to Lawndale. A helicopter with an eye logo flies near Sandi and Quinn.]
SANDI: Stay away from my hair!
JOURNALIST: Sorry, we were hoping to conduct an interview.
QUINN: What show are you from?
JOURNALIST: We represent Sick Sad World, the show that goes beyond the mundane everyday.
SANDI: That show watched by unfashionable nerds?
[Cut to Daria, Jane and Amy watching SSW.]
[Cut back to Sandi.]
QUINN: I’d like to lay some ground rules. No questions on weight, none on changing fashions, or pores! Thank you. That isn’t going to be part of the interview is it?
[We see however that this footage is airing live.]
DARIA: At least some things never change.
JANE: Invasion of privacy?
AMY: Journalistic hypocrisy?
DARIA: Those too.
[Cut back to interview.]
INTERVIEWER: Exactly what happened?
STACY: It started when we had to go to a different room than usual for our meeting and finally got there after walking for ages and we found this machine in the corner that we all stood in front of after Sandi said [Imitates Sandi] “Maybe it will be good for a laugh” and then pressed a red button causing a blue beam to shoot out and hit us and—
INTERVIEWER: So you think the beam caused you to become gigantic?
INTERVIEWER: What’s the worst thing about being fifty feet tall?
QUINN: Not being able to wear heels.
INTERVIEWER: I imagine it would be difficult to find a boyfriend.
[Quinn and Sandi appear as they have only just realised this.]
QUINN/SANDI: Oh no!
INTERVIEWER: Well, uh…. I hear you had a meeting with the Mayor earlier. How did that go?
SANDI: Not very well. [Glares at camera.]
[Cut to apartment.]
JANE: They look angry. [Beat.] Angrier than usual, I mean.
[Amy returns bearing pizza.]
AMY: What did I miss?
JANE: The sounds of inanity.
DARIA: With more to come.
AMY: We can only hope.
[Return to interview.]
INTERVIEWER: So. Nowhere to stay and without up-to-date clothing. That must be tough.
SANDI: It is. Being fifty-feet tall is less fun than you’d think. And no one feels our pain.
[Quinn appears ready to make an announcement.]
QUINN: We tried appealing for help, and none came. We wanted privacy, or to be interviewed by Waif and got Sick Sad World instead. I can’t take it anymore! [Swats at helicopter. It dodges her hand.]
SANDI: We will not rest…
TIFFANY: What if we’re tired…
SANDI: It’s a figure of speech. We will not rest until our demands are met… Even if Lawndale is destroyed in the process.
[Sandi and Quinn begin attacking nearby buildings.]
STACY: Uh, guys, is this the best idea? People could be hurt…
TIFFANY: Will this camera make me look fat?
STACY: UGH! [Pulls own hair] I can’t take it anymore! [Lashes out at helicopter, calls ahead to Sandi and Quinn.] I’ll join you.
SANDI: Good. [Sandi, Quinn and Stacy walk off, threatening all in their wake.]
TIFFANY: Uh… Wait up for me… [Slowly swats at helicopter.]
[Following Tiffany’s blow, the Sick Sad World helicopter finally goes down, and with it, transmission. The human side of this event soon becomes apparent to Daria, Jane and Amy, their relaxed mood dissipating.]
AMY: Oh dear. I hope Helen and Jake are alright.
DARIA: Me too.
JANE: Death by Fashion. Even Lawndale doesn’t deserve *that* fate.
[Ms. Barch is frantically searching her laboratory. Classroom if you will.]
BARCH: It wasn’t meant to be this way. I was supposed to demonstrate the Fem-A-Sizer in front of my scientific peers, not have it used by flighty teens, obsessed with their appearance in front of men! Four at once! I can’t stop them myself. Teaching them is torture enough. But how can I get assistance? [Thinks.] That’s it! Ms Li’s Student Database!
[Cut to Barch rummaging through various documents in Ms. Li’s office.]
BARCH: Hmm… That surveillance proved useful. About time! But who can I trust to help me? Timothy can’t help here, and most of the student population of Lawndale is idiotic. [Hand falls upon ‘Daria Morgendorffer’ entry, listing contact details.] Oooh… That could work. [Dials phone number.]
[Cut to Morgendorffer lounge-room, where Helen and Jake are now gathered, having both survived their trip home. Jake answers.]
JAKE: Hello? Jake Morgendorffer speaking.
BARCH: Hi, I need to talk to you about your daughter Daria.
JAKE: Did she get into trouble? She’ll hand in her homework next time, honest!
HELEN: Give me that! (Takes phone from Jake.) Hello, Helen Morgendorffer speaking.
BARCH: Is Daria there? I need her help, to save Lawndale!
HELEN: You don’t need to be so dramatic.
BARCH: Sorry. But seriously, is she there?
HELEN: No she isn’t. She’s with her aunt in Boston.
BARCH: Could I please have her cell phone number? It’s very important to the survival of our town!
HELEN: [Considers] Alright. Her number is ---
[Cut to Amy’s apartment. Daria is talking on the phone.]
DARIA: I see. Allow me to confer with my distinguished associates. [Talks to Jane and Amy.] We reluctantly accept.
BARCH: Thank you! [Quietly] Now I don’t have to worry about Plan B. [Drops card with ‘Brittany Taylor’ written upon it.] Meet me at my classroom. I’ll be waiting.
DARIA: Sure, if we make it. Later. [Hangs up.]
JANE: So what exactly are we doing?
DARIA: Driving back into Lawndale and meeting Ms. Barch, who needs our assistance in defeating the Fashion Club.
AMY: All in a day’s work.
JANE: Just can’t escape that town. But this could work out for the best. I don’t trust the local authorities.
AMY: To the Triumph! Just trying to get into the spirit of things.
[Cut to Mayor’s office.]
AIDE: Sir, the army reports that they can be in Lawndale within the hour!
MAYOR: Tell them to turn back. We don’t need them.
AIDE: Are you sure? Those girls are destroying our town.
MAYOR: Of course I’m sure! That’s why I’m the Mayor. Getting state assistance would set a bad precedent. As a believer in ‘town rights’, we can defend Lawndale ourselves! I’ve already informed the militia.
[Cut to a crowded basement.]
DEMARTINO: It has been left to us to protect this city! Now we don’t have enough guns for everyone, so some of you will have to double up.
[A shot goes off.]
MR. THOMPSON: Whoops!
DEMARTINO: No shooting…Yet. [Grins]
O’NEILL: I’ll stay here, and uh… keep guard.
[Demartino’s mob run toward the Fashion Club, screaming all the way.]
MOB: Get out of our town!
DEMARTINO: Stop, or my mob will shoot!
[Sandi bends down. Close up upon her glaring face.]
SANDI: Excuse me?
[She lifts her foot. The experience is too much.]
MOB: ARRRGH!! [Demartino’s mob runs off into the distance.]
[Cut to the Triumph. We see armoured vehicles driving in the opposite direction.]
JANE: Wow. The Fashion Club’s reputation spreads fast.
AMY: Typical. No qualms invading other nations, yet they fall back before fashion.
DARIA: And they’re the lucky ones.
AMY: I think the moment is missing something. [Presses ‘Play’ on CD player. The opening notes of ‘Magical Mystery Tour’ are heard.]
AMY: That’s better.
DARIA: Good choice.
AMY: It’s a lesson I learned long ago; Good music always helps on the road. [Turns to Daria in front seat.] Check the glove box if you like.
[Daria checks. Before seeing Amy’s collection however, we cut to Upchuck, standing on a rooftop and grinning sleazily.]
UPCHUCK: Why, do my eyes deceive me? A colossal maiden in distress?
[A sobbing Stacy appears on screen.]
STACY: They’re all staring at me, or running away! Why don’t they understand?
UPCHUCK: I know how you feel… Except for the ‘being fifty-feet tall’ part.
STACY: Thank you. At least someone cares. [Picks up Upchuck and kisses him. His head is coated in lipstick.]
UPCHUCK: [Can’t help himself.] No woman is too big for the Chuckster!
STACY: I thought you cared about me?
UPCHUCK: Uh, sure, that too.
STACY: Ugh! [Drops Upchuck onto roof. He survives, albeit badly injured.]
UPCHUCK: Ow… Feisty! [Passes out.]
[Stacy runs off to wreak more destruction. Several cars are crushed. Cut to elsewhere in Lawndale. Sandi, Quinn and Tiffany are taking a brief break.]
QUINN: Think they’ve gotten the message yet?
SANDI: Hopefully. Destroying Lawndale is very tiring.
SANDI: Still, with Waif and food nowhere in sight, we must continue.
QUINN: Our duties never end.
[Stacy soon joins them.]
STACY: Hey guys, while I was crushing cars I had an idea; Due to us being big the Club Charter is going to need some editing to meet our needs…
QUINN: We should raise the height requirement. [Muttered] I’d like to see Brooke try now.
TIFFANY: Great idea…
SANDI: We’ll do that as soon as our demands are met. As president of the Fashion Club, I declare this break over.
[Cut to Kevin below.]
KEVIN: Uh, this is really weird.
BRITTANY: I know. [They resume making out in a bus shelter. Brittany and Kevin are of course oblivious to all around them.]
[Cut to the Triumph, now entering Lawndale.]
AMY: Lawndale Calling.
DARIA: That reminds me. [Switches CD to London Calling, which plays throughout the following sequence.]
JANE: This is why fashion fiends and towns don’t mix. [Calls out] They must be stopped!
DARIA: Was that necessary? We’re right here.
JANE: Just getting into the spirit of things. [Imitates 1950’s narrator] “A spectacle too shallow to survive; ‘They Came From Lawndale High!”
DARIA: And we’re living it.
AMY: As long as I don’t have to play the helpless female. I hate that role.
DARIA: As much as I’d like to discuss gender representation in B-Films with you, we should probably focus on the road ahead.
[We now see Sandi Griffin looming in the foreground.]
SANDI: A car full of geeks.
JANE: She says that like it’s a bad thing.
SANDI: Quinn’s cousin too? And her mother? This should be fun.
AMY: Don’t worry Daria. Compared to surviving Erin’s wedding, this is easy.
DARIA: Now that was torture.
[Sandi is puzzled by their lack of visible reaction.]
SANDI: You’re supposed to be scared.
JANE: What’s the point? Even if we were, you’d still attack.
AMY: Stoicism is a great way to deal.
DARIA: You know.
SANDI: You people are too much.
[Sandi attempts to crush the Triumph, but Amy swerves expertly out of Sandi’s path. Unsurprisingly, she accelerates.]
SANDI: Come back! [She bounds after the Triumph. For a moment she gains, but the sports car’s speed is too much.]
AMY: How far is it to Lawndale High?
DARIA: About a kilometer, assuming the road is clear.
[Cut to see that Sandi is gathering reinforcements.]
SANDI: Why else would they be driving into Lawndale except to try and stop us?
TIFFANY: A holiday…
QUINN: Did you see where they were going?
SANDI: It looked like they were going to school.
QUINN: That is so like them.
SANDI: Fashion Club, we have a new target.
STACY: But it isn’t really, as the school is still in Lawndale and--
SANDI: Stacy, we have work to do.
[They set off. Cut to Lawndale High School, unscathed thus far. Daria, Jane and Amy have just entered.]
JANE: The high-school labyrinth.
AMY: And I thought I had escaped it for good.
DARIA: Forget it, it’s Lawndale.
[They walk around a corner, nearing the laboratory/classroom. Hearing their footsteps, Ms. Barch emerges.]
BARCH: You’re just in time! Please come in. [The four enter.]
[Our heroines are now gathered in the laboratory/classroom.]
BARCH: Yes. It was I who created the Fem-A-Sizer, after years of thought and labour. Unfortunately, your sister and her friends misused my machine. Funny, I always thought men would be behind it.
AMY: Women can mess up high-tech projects too.
BARCH: Yeah, you’re right. But still… [Sighs] I have gathered you here to help me restore those girls to a normal state …Or something close to it. [Daria appears surprised at this display of sarcasm.] Any questions?
JANE: What’s the average rainfall of the Amazon Basin?
BARCH: Relevant ones.
DARIA: How does it work?
BARCH: Good question Daria. Basically, the machine works through the application of Psephogrowlogical projectiles, or P-Rays. When a subject is saturated in these rays, their physical and spatial mass accordingly increases or decreases according to a preset ratio, affecting the intensity of the rays, as may be seen on the side of my machine. Through a scientific quirk, these rays are counteracted by the presence of the Y Chromosome, meaning that only women are affected. See? Fem-A-Sizer wasn’t just a catchy name!
JANE: Did you try it yourself?
BARCH: Yes, once, and let me say, using this machine indoors is a bad idea. [Points to bump on head.] Those girls must have gotten outside before growing, or this room would have been destroyed, and I suggest you all go out the back door now. I’d join you, but someone needs to operate the machine, and at your new height, that might be difficult.
DARIA: Good point.
[Daria, Jane and Amy slowly walk towards back door. Suddenly, we hear more tremors, with the room shaking slightly.]
BARCH: There isn’t much time!
[This motivates Daria, Jane and Amy to move more rapidly.]
QUINN [From off-screen, in booming voice.] Where are you?
BARCH: 3…2…1 [Presses button] Fire!
JANE: Hey, that wasn’t so bad.
[Before Daria and Amy can join in the banter, the three begin to rapidly grow.]
DARIA: So this is how it feels.
JANE: Seeing things from a new perspective?
DARIA: It’d be hard not to.
AMY: Funny, but this doesn’t make me want to destroy Lawndale…Any more.
[Unsurprisingly, the Fashion Club now spots them, and overhears this dialogue.]
STACY: It wasn’t our fault, it was because the Mayor refused to let us stay here and Sandi thought this would be the best way to have them listen to us--
QUINN: This wasn’t meant to be! [Whiny] Daria has to copy me in everything. Muh-um! [Awkward silence.] Sorry, force of habit.
TIFFANY: Oh…There they are. [Points]
SANDI: Yes Tiffany…This town isn’t big enough for the seven of us!
JANE: We know.
DARIA: The greater surprise is that she got it right. [Beat.] Seriously, we need to restore you to your normal sizes…
SANDI: By you? Ha. There are four of us and only three of you. Don’t make us fight—
JANE: For the right?
AMY: This ain’t no party, this ain’t no disco--
QUINN: [Quieter] Aunt Amy is still weird.
DARIA: Yeah. If you’re without the frame of reference.
STACY: Couldn’t we do this peacefully?
SANDI: I tried Stacy, I really did. But our status is at stake here. Are you ready girls? [Quinn and Stacy nod, although Stacy appears more hesitant.]
TIFFANY: Yeah… [Beat] What if I break a nail?
[The two groups prepare to battle. Cut to Upchuck, still lying injured on the ground, yet appreciating the sight.]
UPCHUCK: [Weakly] Grrrr….Feisty…
[Cut to Ms. Barch, carefully positioning her machine.]
BARCH: Come on Daria, you can do this… [Thinks] Better adjust these settings for when I have the chance. [Does so]
[A close-up reveals that the Fem-A-Sizer’s setting has been changed from fifty feet to five feet, or thereabouts.]
BARCH: That should do it. Now for the girls to get into position, so that the day, and the town may be saved! [Looks around empty room] I wish somebody had heard that.
[Cut to Daria, Quinn & co. Despite the Fashion Club’s numerical superiority, the battle is evenly matched. Jane is struggling with Sandi.]
JANE: Yield, damn you, yield!
[Meanwhile, Daria and Amy are battling off Tiffany, Quinn and Stacy. They have moved near Town Hall.]
QUINN: What? No time for a sarcastic remark?
DARIA/AMY: There’s always time for sarcasm.
[Tiffany attempts a swipe at Daria. Unfortunately, she misses and hits Town Hall instead. Cut to interior, where part of the roof has caved in.]
MAYOR: Aw hell! Replacing the roof wasn’t in the budget!
AIDE: Uh, sir… The surplus.
MAYOR: I’m not dipping into that, it’d set a bad example.
AIDE: So we’re just going to keep it like this?
MAYOR: Well yes, yes we are.
[We cut back outside, to find a greater loss has occurred.]
TIFFANY: [Inspects hand] My nail…[Close-up] Noooo!
[With Tiffany now unwilling to fight, Daria and Amy regain the advantage.]
AMY: Back towards the school.
[Soon, the fight returns to where it all began, behind Room 121. Tiffany is still checking her hands for any other damage.]
DARIA: Now we have to be especially careful here.
SANDI: Gee, do you care too much about your precious Lawndale High?
DARIA: …Why yes. [Deadpan] Yes I do.
JANE: You’ll see.
SANDI: Not likely.
[Amy sees Ms. Barch below, and makes a signal.]
BARCH: [As loud as possible.] Now!
[Knowing what is to happen, Daria, Jane and Amy quickly move before the beam is shot. The Fashion Club is collectively hit. They begin to dwindle. ]
SANDI: If you keep this up, we will be forced to defeat you so that we may have some peace in trying to get what is rightfully ours.
STACY: Uh, Sandi…
SANDI: Not now. No one will stop our might and fashion sense.
SANDI: Please. I’m making another speech. We will triumph!
[By this time, Sandi, Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany have returned to their usual size, or close to it. Just as she finishes her speech, Sandi realises this.]
JANE: You were saying?
QUINN: [Nervous] Uh, hi Daria… Hi Aunt Amy. [Beat] Hi Jane. Nice weather we’re having hey?
DARIA: This thing is finished.
TIFFANY: I agree…
STACY: [Upbeat] At least we don’t have to worry about finding clothes that fit anymore, right guys? [Silence] Guys?
AMY: Don’t worry. It’s still getting through to them.
DARIA: If it ever will.
BARCH: Girls, could you stand in the room please?
BARCH: You should get in a lot of trouble for this.
QUINN: But we were doing it to strike back at those men! We were all upset after being rejected…
SANDI: [Catches on] Yeah, we didn’t mean all that destruction.
BARCH: Oh, alright. I’ll cut back your punishment to two hours detention, as your hearts were in the right place, and the school was undamaged. [Breathes sigh of relief.] Ms. Li isn’t going to have my head afterall.
[The Fashion Club fail to hide their relief. Ms. Barch walks outside.]
BARCH: Thank you very much for your help.
JANE: No problem.
DARIA: I suppose it’s now time to return to normal?
BARCH: Yeah. Sorry.
JANE: A moment to discuss the matter with my esteemed colleagues?
BARCH: Sure. I’ll call Timothy to let him know what happened.
[While Ms. Barch makes her call, we focus upon Daria, Jane and Amy. The following conversation is murmured, although it remains reasonably audible.]
DARIA: It is time.
AMY: Wait, I had an idea. Maybe we could keep an extra couple of inches as a souvenir?
JANE: A reward for our effort. That could work.
DARIA: But not too much.
AMY: By no means, Daria. A little can’t hurt though…
DARIA: It’ll be the growth spurt I never had.
AMY: That’s my favourite niece.
JANE: [Louder] We’re ready.
BARCH: [Still talking to O’Neill] Wait, they need me. See you soon. [Ends call.]
Now, could you please tell me your original heights, and you’ll be back to normal in no time.
DARIA: I’m 5”4.
AMY: And I’m 5”11.
BARCH: Let’s roll.
[We cut away from the trio being reduced to their ‘normal’ sizes for an elegiac sweep through Lawndale. Despite all that has gone on, the town bears few scars, save for some destroyed cars, the caved in roof of Town Hall, and Upchuck.]
UPCHUCK: I need medical attention... [Passes out.]
[Cut to Demartino’s basement.]
O’NEILL: Great news! Jane, Daria and her Aunt Annie saved the day!
DEMARTINO: I knew they had it in them. [Adopts louder tone for his militia.] Men, return to your homes!
[They duly do so, with much merriment. Cut to Lawndale High. By this time, Helen and Jake have arrived. Greetings have already been exchanged.]
HELEN: This is such a relief.
JAKE: [Suspicious tone.] Say Daria, you look a bit different. You too, Amy and Jane.
Can’t quite put my finger on it, but ol’ Jakey’ll work it out…
JAKE: [Suddenly cheery] Good enough for me!
[Amy now talks to Helen.]
AMY: I wish we could have met under better circumstances.
HELEN: Yeah. Say, why don’t you stay for the weekend? We can make space.
AMY: Sure. As long as you don’t invite Rita to join us.
HELEN: Like I’d do that. [Chuckles.]
[Daria overhears this and smiles slightly. She turns to Quinn.]
DARIA: We made it. Everything is back to normal-- [A close-up reveals that Daria is slightly taller than Quinn, whom realises the fact.] little sis.
[We flash forward past a well-spent weekend, and return to Lawndale High… Ms. Barch’s classroom, to be more precise.]
STACY: It was a good thing we didn’t introduce that restriction, or the Fashion Club would have had to disband!
TIFFANY: At least we still have each other…
QUINN: And our many admirers.
[Cut away to reveal they are serving their detention.]
BARCH: No talking!
[Collective groan. Cut to cafeteria. Upchuck is mysteriously absent.]
JODIE: It was a nice trip, even if half of it was in functions.
MACK: So, did we miss much while we were gone?
JANE: Long story short…
DARIA: Nah. [Smirks.]
The original concept for this piece came up in a January 2005 ‘Weird Ideas for Daria Fanfic’ PPMB thread. The idea grew from there. References and allusions are sprinkled throughout, but I’ll leave those for the reader to discover. More fun that way.
Despite the bizarre concept of this story, I have attempted to be (relatively) realistic throughout, in terms of characterisation. A further example is the scene at the end, with Daria, Jane and Amy sneakily utilising the Fem-A-Sizer to their advantage. The base heights here come from Lane Miserables (Daria) and my ‘Heights of Daria Characters’ list (Jane, Amy.)
According to these sources, the characters’ base heights are;
Jane: 5”5 ½
As such, each character adds roughly two inches. I’m a stickler for realism. Honest. A sequel may eventually result. Fan-art would also be appreciated, if anyone feels like creating some. In the meantime however, thanks for reading.