Synopsis:Daria, Jane, and Trent have made it to the first round of the TLC show “Junkyard Wars.” What will their challenge be and how, or will they prevail?
Legal Drek: Daria and her cohorts are property of MTV and Viacom. Junkyard Wars is property of TLC.
This story is Copyright April 2, 2004.
Teaser Act -- The Shortcut
Opening establishing shot is a long shot of Tyler Harcott and Robert Llewellyn slogging through some very deep, dark, disgusting mud. It is up to their waists, sometimes deeper. Fortunately, both of them are wearing chest high waders, so they’re not too bad off. They are wearing clear plastic work goggles as well.
ROBERT (frustrated): Leave it to you to take a route through a bog! You said that this was a shortcut!
TYLER (weakly defending himself): Yeah, well, it is a shortcut! I mean, look how fast we got lost!
Robert perks up as he sees something ahead of them.
ROBERT: Look, there’s Cathy. She’ll get us out of this mess.
Cut to medium shot of Cathy Rogers. She is sitting in the driver’s seat of some kind of all terrain vehicle. Heavy roll bars are present and she is wearing a black nomex coverall similar to the kind of suit race car drivers wear. The rumble of a serious engine is heard.
ROBERT (o/s, faint): Cathy! Hello, Cathy!
Cut to very long shot of Robert and Tyler up to their ribs in muck. Robert is waving.
Back to Cathy, who gets a truly evil smile on her face and pulls on a racing helmet. She stomps on the gas, and the engine roars! Cathy fakes being tossed into the back of the seat by the acceleration rather well.
Cut to medium shot of Robert and Tyler.
ROBERT (looking just too thrilled): Here she comes.
Cut to a front on shot of a professionally constructed bog racer on huge flotation tires roaring across the surface of the mud, throwing rooster tail of mud and muck out behind and out to the sides. The bog racer’s engine is positively SCREAMING.
Cut to a close up of Cathy, bouncing around the cockpit with the vehicle’s motion (she’s acting, folks).
CATHY (Evil “Shadow” laugh): Mwuh-ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa!!
Cut to Robert and Tyler, now looking more than a little worried. The bog racer’s engine is getting louder and louder. The two of them exchange a look.
ROBERT: Oh dear....
Cut to another front shot of the bog racer -- a lot closer and a lot more menacing.
Cut back too Robert and Tyler, frantically waving Cathy off.
ROBERT and TYLER (yelling over each other): No no, Cathy! Slow down! Turn! Too fast! Turn turn! The other way!! The other way!!
Cut to medium shot of Robert and Tyler in the mud, waving frantically.
ROBERT and TYLER (yelling): LOOK --
The mud racer blows by at full speed, spraying mud and water and yuck everywhere.
Back to medium shot of Robert and Tyler as the last of the mud falls from the sky. They are both completely covered in mud (in fact, they probably have mud in places they didn’t know they had places!)
ROBERT and TYLER (flatly) -- out.
Robert and Tyler slowly reach up and pull their goggles up to the top of their heads, blinking exaggeratedly. The area that was covered by the goggles are the only clean areas visible. The two slowly look at each other as Daria and Jane, dressed in black work coveralls with silver highlights and wearing silver work helmets, walk by -- seemingly on top of the mud!!
JANE (as the walk on screen): Do you think that we should have told them about that steel bridge across the top of this mess?
DARIA (as they walk off screen): Nah. They’ll figure it out.
SPLENDORA (singing): la la LA la-la . . .
Shot changes to Daria sitting on the foot of Jane’s bed. Daria drops her thumb on a button on the remote as we cut to a shot of Jane’s television from over her shoulder. The television screen changes to . . .
Music changes to the Opening Theme to The Learning Channel’s “Junkyard Wars,” played by Splendora! Shot’s change to . . .
1. Jane and Daria sitting on the bed in Daria’s room. Jane is talking, waving a sheaf of papers around and looking rather intense as she talks to Daria.
2. Mystik Spiral in the basement - Jane watches as Trent is looking into the fried innards of their mixing board and fiddling around in it with a screwdriver. Jesse, Max, and Nick are looking on, downcast.
3. Trent, Daria and Jane, sitting in the Lane kitchen, filling out paperwork. Daria and Trent look at each other with very uncertain looks on their faces as they work. Jane, however, looks totally stoked as she furiously writes.
4. Jane, Trent, and Daria, wearing black jumpsuits with silver highlights, and standing in front a stack of flattened cars. Each, in turn, puts on a silver helmet with goggles around the top.
5. Daria flips up a welder’s mask - her face is dirty and smudged and sweaty. She wipes her forehead with the back of her hand, leaving a smear. She looks exhausted.
6. Daria, Trent, Jane, and a blond lady with a long ponytail, ride a large wheeled contraption over some very deep mud. It is a very wild ride. Jane and the woman are having the time of their lives, but Daria and Trent are hanging on for dear life.
7. Daria and another man hold up a metal frame of some sort in a boat hull while Jane, in a welding mask, working on the base. A shorthaired blonde lady in a silver vest is watching in the background. Trent is standing next to her, talking and pointing.
8. A somewhat older man looking into the camera with a very distressed expression as Jane, over his shoulder and in the background, throws her helmet on the ground and starts yelling into a small C.B style hand mic.
9. Looking from over Tyler, Robert, and Cathy’s spots on the Junkyard Time Machine platform Trent, Daria, and Jane looking sidelong at the unseen other team.
10. Zoom in tight on Daria’s glasses then pull back to reveal a slightly different Daria logo on bright red background - Daria is wearing a silver work helmet with a set of goggles strapped on above the brim. Text fades in to reveal . . .
la la La la-la, la la La la-la
”Junkyard Wars: The Mud Racer”
(written by Greystar)
Act 1 -- And so it begins...
Opening shot is long shot of large earthmover-type power shovel in the center of a midsize scrap yard. The surrounding stack and piles of mechanical castoffs run the spectrum of items from automobiles to discarded zippers. There even appears to be an old pontoon plane out there in the background. Lounging in the massive machines humongous shovel like she runs the place (because she does!) is Cathy Rogers, producer and hostess of Junkyard Wars!
CATHY (with an expansive arm gesture): Welcome to a brand new season of Junkyard Wars! I’m Cathy Rogers, and tonight we kick off the new season with new challenges new teams, and lots of old junk itching for new life!
Shot cuts to Robert Lewellyn, standing in front of what appears to be an old diesel generator with half the pieces missing. He is wearing his silver jacket and tie, but the shirt and pants are black.
ROBERT: Hello, I’m Robert Llewellyn. After racking our brains for a challenge worthy of our season opener . . . (camera follows as he squats down on his heels. At his feet is a rather disgusting mud puddle) We think we’ve come up with a challenge that’ll be good clean fun for all concerned (With two fingers he picks a wet, sloppy mud glob up and examines it briefly, before showing it to the camera with an evil smile) Lovely!
Shot changes to Tyler Harcott standing at the “Host Balcony,” perched between two very well equipped work bays separated by a dividing wall. He is wearing his silver vest / turtleneck combination.
TYLER: Hello, everybody, I’m Tyler Harcott. This season we’ve had the luck of having an incredible cross section of teams from every walk of life to draw from. We’ve got teams that already make Junkyard Wars history as being either the oldest or the youngest that have ever taken to our scrap yard! So, let’s meet our first two teams of our new season opener!
Background music kicks in with something in a “heroes getting ready for battle” motif with lots of base.
Shot changes to a shot of three people, from about the knees down. The feet in the foreground, as well as those in the background, are clad in heavy Doc Martens boots. The feet in the middle are wearing beat up hi-top sneakers. All three are wearing black work coveralls, highlighted with silver along certain seams and pockets. The angle of the shot reverses and shows, at waist level, the three each wearing leather work gloves and holding silver work helmets w/ goggles above the brims.
Cut to a medium shot of Jane, Trent, and Daria, each wearing the standard Junkyard Wars coveralls with silver highlights, and a small radio mic slung over their shoulders by its cord. While Jane and Daria’s overalls fit just fine, and in fact show off a little bit of figure, Trent’s looks like it was hung on a stick figure (owing to how skinny he is). Jane, Trent, and Daria each in turn put their helmets on their heads. Trent embellishes a little by hanging his arms around the girls’ shoulders. Jane and Trent smirk at the camera, but Daria gives Trent a sidelong look with her eyes.
CATHY (v/o): Representing the bustling suburb of Lawndale in fashionable basic black are Jane, Trent, and Daria. This trio of youngsters is one of the two youngest teams to take up the challenge of our junkyard. These kids call themselves the “Lawndale Cynics.”
The shot cuts out with an exaggerated bit of static, then returns to show Jane welding something onto a large mechanical sculpture. There is another blip of static, and the shot changes to show Jane, sitting cross legged on her bed in her room. A couple of paintings and a few of her more mechanical sculptures surround her.
JANE (into camera): Hi, My name’s Jane, and I’m a senior at Lawndale High. I’m captain of our little team, the Lawndale Cynics. I am also an accomplished artiste hereabouts. (Static blip, then back to Jane, sitting slightly differently) The other members of out team are my brother, Trent, who plays lead for his own band, and my Best Friend and Partner In Crime, Daria. (Static blip) We’ve crammed harder for this than we do for most school stuff. We’re ready for whatever you want to throw at us.
Another exaggerated blip of static and the shot changes to one of Trent on stage with Mystik Spiral, their banner prominent in the background, playing at either McGrundy’s or the Zon . . . ya can’t tell. Another static blip and the shot changes to Trent sitting on the couch in the Lane living room, with his acoustic guitar on his lap.
TRENT (into camera): Hey. I’m Trent. I play lead guitar in a band called Mystik Spiral, but we’re thinking of changing the name. (static blip ) My sister Janey, she’s the artist of the family. Doesn’t matter what you give her, she makes something beautiful out of it. (Static blip) Daria’s the smartest one of the bunch, hands down. She’s also the one who keeps us going when it gets tough. She always has been.
Yet another exaggerated static blip and we cut to a shot of Daria at a computer in the school library, a text book and note pad open beside her. Another static blip, and the scene is one of Daria sitting at her computer in her bedroom at home.
DARIA (into camera): Hello. I’m Daria. I’m the third member of the “Lawndale Cynics.” If you’re wondering why we’re called that, just spend a day at Lawndale High. (static blip) Jane is the first friend I made when I came to Lawndale. She is my Best Friend, and the only person on this earth who could talk me into something like this. (static blip) Jane’s older brother, Trent, is . . . (searches for the correct word) unique. He’s doing exactly what he wants to do, and even though he may or may not be a success at it, he’s happy.
One last static blip and we return to the medium shot of our team from Lawndale. The shot pulls back slightly to open some room on Daria’s side, and a blonde lady with her hair pulled back in a long pony tail walks into line and puts on her helmet. She’s only slightly taller than Daria.
TYLER (v/o): Joining the Lawndale Cynics is Florida State Champion Mud Racer Rachel Heinz as resident expert. She’s been building mud racers with her father since she was twelve, and started her own team just two years ago. She’s had ‘em sink, and she’s had ‘em swim, so she knows her stuff. The Lawndale Cynics are in excellent hands.
The team head off screen to the left, Jane, Trent, and their expert Rachel, set off at a fast jog. Daria trudges along behind them, projecting a “how-the-hell-did-I-get-talked-into-this?” kind of mood.
Shot changes again to show three more people, again from the knees down. These people are wearing regular work boots and yellow jumpsuits. Shot reverses and we see another version of the leather gloves and silver helmets shot at waist level.
Shot cuts to a medium shot of three women, none much taller than Daria or Jane. The first is a brunette, with hair about as long as Daria’s, the second is a blonde with hair shorter than Jane’s, the third is a redhead with her hair up in a bun on top of her head. Each in turn puts her helmet on, the redhead turning her helmet completely around before putting it on backwards.
CATHY (v/o): Facing off against the “Lawndale Cynics” are three ladies from lovely Long Beach, California. These three grew up around cars, so the kids from Lawndale will have their work cut out for them against the “Long Beach Lady Low Riders Club.”
The shot cuts out with an exaggerated bit of static, then returns to show the brunette, wearing blue jeans and a gray windbreaker, and sitting on the front fender of a low-rider hotrod pickup truck. (This thing is so low, a snake couldn’t get under it without ducking!)
JEANINE (to camera): Hi there, I’m Jeanine, and I’m the top honcho of the Long Beach Lady Low Riders. We all work at a custom car garage here in Long Beach. (static blip) The other members of our team include our friends Rhonda, a wizard with engines, and Sarah, our transmission specialist.
Another exaggerated burst of static and the shot changes to show the blonde in work coveralls and up to her elbows in the engine compartment of an old custom Buick.
RHONDA (looks up): Hi, my name’s Rhonda and I’m the head mechanic of the Low Riders. (Static blip) Jeanine’s a great all ‘round mechanic and knows her way around any car you can point her at -- custom or otherwise. (static blip) Sarah’s out girl on brakes and transmissions. She really knows her stuff.
Yet another exaggerated static burst and we see the red haired woman, Sarah, roll out from under an unidentified, but garishly painted car, grabbing a handful of wrenches and sliding back under. Another blip of static, and we see Sarah leaning on the side of the garish car.
SARAH (to camera, with a bit of a ‘tude):Grrrreetings! I’m Sarah, and I’m the transmission specialist around the shop here. (static blip) Rhonda and Jeanine are pretty good with engines, but the tyranny's the key, and that’s my territory. (blip) With the three of us on the job, the other guys are going down.
With our last blip of static, we return to the medium shot of the Low Riders and pull back to leave some room to Sarah’s right, where their expert walks in. He is about half a head taller than the ladies, with a close cropped beard, and brown curly hair.
ROBERT (v/o): Helping out the Lady Low Riders today is last years Florida State Champion Mud Racer, and Rachel Heinz’ chief rival on the circuit, Peter Hoffman. These two have handed the Championship back and forth for the last four years. The competition between these two is intense, but always friendly.
The Low Riders turn to their right and jog off screen. All of them look ready to get down to it!
The scene changes to the JYW Time Machine, out front of the work bays where they open onto the junkyard. The P.O.V. is from above the platform and wide enough to show both teams come walking to two places in front of the platform.
Shot changes to wide shot of the hosts standing on the platform. Robert is in front, Cathy is behind and to his right (next to the Junkyard Time Machine lever), Tyler is behind and to his left.
ROBERT (Melodramatic, looking back and forth between the teams): Welcome teams. You have the honor of participating in the first challenge of the new season of Junkyard Wars. (Gestures at the junkyard with both arms) You have only what our scrap yard provides to fulfill your challenge, and you have only ten hours time to do so. You have accepted . . . but are you prepared? (Shoots a look to his left) Lawndale Cynics, are you ready?
Shot changes to medium shot of the Lawndale Cynics.
JANE, TRENT, and EXPERT RACHEL (with a fist pump): Yeah!
DARIA (half - hearted and half a beat late): Oooh yeah.
Shot changes back to Robert, who cocks an eyebrow towards Daria.
ROBERT (Looks right): Long Beach Lady Low Riders, are you ready?
LOW RIDERS (with fist pumps): Yeah!
ROBERT: Very well, then. Your challenge is to build for us a vehicle. But not just any vehicle. We want a vehicle that will take you as fast as possible through the muddiest, murkiest, sloppiest swamp we could create. It is your challenge to bodge together a bodaciously buoyant, blisteringly fast Bog Racer!
Shots cut back and forth between the two teams. Both experts are smiling knowingly (after all, they knew ahead of time). The Lawndale Cynics exchange smirks that are confident and intrigued at the same time. The Low Riders exchange hi-fives like they’ve already won the competition.
TYLER (steps up): Building your racers is actually going to be the easy part. Now, your racers not only have to be powerful enough to beat your opponents racer, but it has to carry your whole team across our treacherous Junkyard Swamp. It also has to be agile enough to avoid all the hazards and obstacles that we’ve maliciously placed there! (wiggles eyebrows evilly)
Shot cuts over to Cathy as she steps up to the trigger lever of the Junkyard Time Machine.
CATHY: Now remember, teams, you have to use only the parts that you bring out of the scrap heap. Scavenging the quad-runners and trailers is a no-no! The most important part to remember is this - you have only ten hours from when the ball reaches the bottom of our Junkyard Time Machine... Get ready...
Cathy gives the lever a deliberate shove forward, then the shot changes to a small cannon ball as it rolls out of a pipe, through a spiral trough, and into another pipe.
Shot changes to medium of Robert and Tyler as they watch the ball bounce through the conglomeration. Robert has his hand up in front of himself, ready to bring it down.
ROBERT: Wait for it . . .
Shot cuts back to the cannonball as it hits the metal funnel at the bottom of the Time Machine, rolls down the side, and drops through the hole in the middle.
Shot cuts to wide shot of Cathy, Robert, and Tyler.
CATHY / ROBERT / TYLER (enthusiastically): GO!!
P.o.v. switches to above the platform, showing both teams setting out at a jog for their respective work bays. A wide shot of the Lady Low Riders’ work bay shows them heading right for their big planning board. The shot then cuts to a wide shot of the Lawndale Cynics work bay as they hit the entrance. Both bays have a Honda quad-runner and small trailer sitting in the middle of the work area.
JANE (unzipping the front of her coveralls): First things first.
Jane pulls out a roll of cloth from the inside of her coveralls and walks over to a workbench, where she picks up a huge, battery powered staple gun.
JANE (con’t): Trent, Daria, grab the ends of this thing, will ya?
ROBERT (v/o): Hello, wait a minute! They haven’t even started planning yet, and it looks the Lawndale Cynics have a bit of redecorating in mind!
Daria and Trent take the ends of the roll that Jane gives them and hold it on either side of the bay’s entrance. Their expert looks on, a little perplexed at what they’re doing. Jane quickly puts a couple of heavy staples in Daria’s and Trent’s ends of the banner, as well as a couple in the middle to help hold it up, then steps back to admire her work. The banner reads:
Lawndale’s Rockin’-est Band
CATHY (v/o, matter of fact tone): Hey, every band needs a leg up once in a while.
DARIA (as Jane returns the staple gun): Are you sure they’re going to let us get away with that?
JANE: Sure. Trent and I already talked to Cathy, and she said that as long as it didn’t have any other blatant advertising on it she was cool with it. (Claps her hands together and heads for the drawing board) So, what do we need to beat the ever lovin’ Low Riders over there?
Shot cuts to Rachel, who’s already making notes and diagrams on their big dry-erase board. The Cynics gather around.
EXPERT RACHEL (pointing and doodling on the board as she talks): Okay, first thing is a frame that will carry all four of us, and has a nice wide, stable wheelbase. The big thing is it has to be as light as we can make it. Four wheel drive would be fantastic, it would save us the time of having to convert the thing later.
TRENT: Can we build one?
EXPERT RACHEL (shakes head): That kind of thing usually takes a couple of weeks. We don’t have that kind of time. Next thing is the tires: we need big, flotation jobs. They’re a couple of feet wide and three or four feet tall, big chunky treads on them.
DARIA: So it’s supposed to hydroplane across the top instead of sinking to the bottom, right? Won’t steering this thing be a problem?
EXPERT RACHEL (with a nod): A bit, maybe. We’ll have to extend the axels a little to make room for the tires, but it’s nothing insurmountable.
JANE (looks at Trent and Daria): Well, scroungers, what are you waiting for? We need monster tires and a monster frame to go along with ‘em!
TRENT (looks at Daria): Cool. Let’s go hunting.
DARIA (deadpan, and not sounding a thing like Elmer): Be vewy, vewy quiet. We’re hunting car parts.
TRENT (cocks and eyebrow): Elmer Fudd never went looking for car parts.
Daria and Trent walk over to the quad-runner and small trailer, Trent climbing on the seat with Daria hopping on side-saddle behind him. Jane can’t resist getting a dig in as Trent fires up the engine.
JANE (off-screen): No molesting the passengers, Trent. She’s spoken for, remember?
Trent does his chuckle / cough thing as Daria turns red.
DARIA (with a look of death): Remind me to weld your earrings to the floor when we get back. (to Trent) Get us out of here.
Trent guns the throttle, squeaking the tires slightly as the quad-runner leaps through the doorway below the Mystic Spiral banner. Daria hangs on to Trent for dear life
TRENT: YEE-HAA >cough cough<!
DARIA: SLOOWW DOOWWNN!!
Shot cuts to the Lady Low Rider’s work area, a few minutes earlier. They immediately gather around the drawing board and start discussing what they plan to do to build their machine.
JEANINE: Okay, just what exactly do we need to build here?
EXPERT PETER (doodling as he goes): Okay, first priority is a set of tires that will cut through the mud and get a good solid footing on the ground underneath. (doodle, doodle) Then we need a good, heavy four by four with something gutsy under the hood. (more doodling) We’ll have to make some modification to account for steering and stability, but that’s the gist of it.
RHONDA (ticking off items on her fingers): Big four by four, big wheels.
JEANINE: Humongous compared to what we’re used to workin’ with (chuckle.)
SARAH: I thought I saw an old tractor out there we can snag at least two tires off of. (Turns and heads for quad-runner.)
RHONDA (heading for the entrance): Cool. You grab the wheels, I’ll try and nab us a four wheel drive!
Sarah climbs on the quad-runner and guns the engine and floors it for the entrance.
Scene changes to wide angle shot of the bay entrances as both quad-runners come zipping out of their respective doorways. Shot changes to moderate long shot of Rhonda, jogging down one of the pathways in the scrap yard. Daria and Trent speed by in the foreground.
DARIA (yelling and hanging on for dear life): Trent, slow down!
RHONDA (shaking head): Get a room!
ROBERT (v/o as scenes progress): It seems that both teams already have their eyes on some valuable bits of kit. Daria appears to have set her sights on a pair of mini pickups...
Trent slows as Daria hops off of the quad-runner and starts looking at a few junked vehicles, paying particular attention to a couple of mid-sized pickups. She checks in the window of one, then lifts the hood of the other.
ROBERT (v/o con’t):...while the Low Riders’ Sarah has definite designs in some positively massive farm tractor wheels.
Sarah slides her quad-runner to a stop next to a burned out Case tractor, missing the engine. It has several 6-foot wheels that are still intact. Sarah immediately starts examining the hubs to in order to figure out how to remove them.
TYLER (v/o as scenes progress): Their team mates seem to have got their work cut out for them. With a mountain of tires in front of him, Trent is in search of the Cynics’ balloon tires . . .
Trent brings his quad-runner to a stop and climbs off, warily eyeing the stack of tires piled around the remains of an old flatbed truck covered with a tarp. The look on his faces says he was not really counting on this as he starts looking through the pile.
TRENT: Whooo boy!
TYLER (v/o continues): ... And it looks like Rhonda seems to think that this flipped SUV might fill their needs.
RHONDA (into radio mic): Jeanine, Sarah, I think I’ve got our four by four, but it’s on its back. You want to come out here and give me a hand?
Cut to Jeanine and Expert Peter in the bay as they head out of the main entrance.
JEANINE (into radio): We’re on our way.
Cut back to Trent, who is climbing around and rooting through the tires piles around the old flatbed.
TRENT (while digging through the pile) Big tires . . . Big tires . . . (Looking frustrated, he climbs onto the back of the flatbed to look over the pile.) A million tires and none of them are big enough!
Trent leans back on the tarp covered stack and looks around a second. Then he gets a wait-a-minute kind of look on his face and turns around and looks at the tarp. With a smirk, he reaches down and yanks the tarp up, revealing four huge tires with large V-shaped treads.
TRENT: Now, that’s just cruel. (Grabs his radio mic) Hey guys, I found our tires.
DARIA (over radio): And I think I’ve found our engine and frame, only there’s a problem.
Shot cuts to Daria, checking out several other vehicles as she talks into her radio.
DARIA (into her radio as she works): The engine’s in a two wheel drive truck, but the transmission and transfer gear are on a truck with no engine.
Cut back to the Lawndale Cynics work bay, where Jane and Expert Rachel area at their drawing board, making a “to do” list.
JANE (to Expert Rachel): Waddaya think? A little engine transplant?
EXPERT RACHEL (into radio mic): Daria, is there anything else out there?
Cut back to Daria. She’s still looking around the few cars that are in the area.
DARIA (into radio mic): I’ll keep searching, but right now I don‘t see much. Trent, how big are those tires you found?
Cut back to Trent. He has a carpenter’s tape measure in his hands and is taking a last quick measurement of one of the big flotation wheels.
TRENT (into radio mic): Kinda like Rachel figured, about four feet tall and about two feet wide. (Trent looks at the tire and scratches the back of his head) How’re we going to make these things work, though?
Cut back to the Cynic’s work bay, close on Jane, concentrating on the drawing board.
JANE (into radio mic): Daria, can we tow that four wheel drive?
DARIA (over radio): I think so.
JANE (into mic): Okay, uh . . . (looks a little unsure for a moment, then comes to a decision) Daria, see if there are any engines out there that have already been pulled out. Rachel and I are going to help Trent get those tires in here, then we’ll meet you and pull that truck in.
DARIA (over radio): Check.
TRENT (over radio): Cool.
Cut back to Daria as she walks back over to the two mid-sized pickups.
DARIA: Let’s see if I learned anything in the last month...
She opens the hood on the truck that has the engine and begins to check it out. After looking for a moment, she reaches in and begin to fiddle around with the engine.
Cut to the animated Junkyard Wars “chalkboard,” where they draw what’s supposed to happen. (If you’ve watched JYW, you’ll know what I’m talking about.) Two “chalk” figures vaguely resembling Rachel and Peter stand on the right and left sides, respectively, of the screen.
CATHY (v/o): This looks to be shaping up to be a battle between two different racing philosophies.
The Peter figure slides off left, revealing a quick ‘n’ dirty diagram of a mud buggy with huge, fat tires and an engine that looks like a box with a fan and a couple of vents drawn it. The tires spin as the buggy “splashes” across backboard mud.
CATHY (v/o, continuing): The plan of the Lawndale Cynics appears to be to build a fast, relatively light four-wheel drive that will power across the top of the bog on its speedily spinning tires. A good idea in theory, but if they don’t keep their speed up, they could be going for a muddy swim.
The buggy sinks into the mud as the Rachel figure slides off right and the Peter figure slides in from left. Another mud buggy diagram, this one with tall, thin tires, is shown boring through the chalk mud.
CATHY (v/o, continuing): The Low Riders are betting on a heavy design with skinny wheels to cut through the muck and grab into solid ground below. Another good theory, but if they don’t have the engine power to muscle through, they’ll become stuck like a fly in amber.
Cut to Wide shot of the Low Riders and their flipped SUV. Sarah is on the quad-runner with a line from it to the SUV‘s frame, with the other three on the other side of the vehicle, grunting loudly as they try to right it. Sarah guns the quad-runner, throwing dirt back towards her team mates as the SUV is dragged for a couple of feet, then it catches on something and they flip it up onto its side and then it lands on its wheels with a bounce and a crashing sound. Before the dust has a chance to settle, Rhonda is under the hood and looking over the engine.
TYLER (v/o): Barring any mechanical difficulties, it looks like the Low Riders might just have the heavy engine and frame that they’re looking for.
Cut to a medium shot of Daria climbing into the cab of one of the mid-sized pickups. An orange plastic gas can is visible, wedged into a hole in the windscreen.
ROBERT (v/o): But, it also looks like Daria may have gotten the engine for the Lawndale Cynics up and running.
Cut to the inside of the cab as Daria grabs the ignition with a pair of pliers and twists the “cap” off. Then she sticks the pliers inside and grabs something, and twists. The engine sputters and, in a cloud of dirt and smoke, splutters to life. Daria waves her hand in front of her face as she revs the engine a couple of times.
ROBERT (v/o): Well, after a fashion, anyway.
DARIA (smirk, into mic): All right people, I’ve got our engine. >cough< Now someone come and help me with this other truck.
Cut to the remainder of the L.C.s moving the tires. Trent is on the quad-runner, dragging two of the tires (tied with a rope) while Jane and Expert Rachel are rolling the other two.
EXPERT RACHEL (singing off key): Rollin’ rollin’ rollin’, keep them wheels a-rollin’...
JANE (into mic): Okay, Daria. I’ll send Trent over as soon as we get these tires back to the work bay.
EXPERT RACHEL: Go and help her. I’ve these handled.
JANE (letting her tire go): You say so. (Into her mic as she heads out of the shot) Help’s on the way, mi amiga.
Rachel moves between the two tires and, after a couple of paces, they start to roll in slightly divergent directions as Rachel and the tires pass off screen.
EXPERT RACHEL (moving o/s with the tires): Hey, no you don’t! Hey! Trent! Gimme a --
SFX (o/s): CRASH! CRUNCH!!
EXPERT RACHEL (o/s): Dammit!!
Cut to the Low Riders’ expert Peter and Rhonda working on the now upright SUV. Peter is working on some wires near the battery, while Rhonda’s legs are visible from below the vehicle.
EXPERT PETER: Ready?
RHONDA (from below): Looks like the throttle cable is busted, but I think we can fix that. (slides out and stands up) Hit it.
Peter closes a connection on the engine sputters and struggles a couple of times. Rhonda reaches in and twists the throttle linkage to the carburetor a couple of times. The engine belches to life, running very rough, but it is running.
EXPERT PETER & RHONDA (exchanging a look): Yeah.
Cut to Jeanine and Sarah working on removing the wheels from the big CASE tractor with the help of a small crane (supplied by JYW) and a couple of oxy-acetylene torches.
RHONDA (over radio): What’s the story on those wheels, ladies?
Jeanine stops cutting and grabs her mic.
JEANINE (into mic): Give us ten minutes and they’re all ours.
Cut back to Peter and Rhonda.
RHONDA (into mic): Ten minutes it is. I’m gonna get the four-wheeler and Peter ‘n’ I are gonna pull this thing back home.
JEANINE (over radio): Not a problem.
Cut to a shot of one of the roadways in the scrap-yard, where the two mid-sized pickups that Daria was working on roll by. Jane is driving the lead truck, towing the other with a chain to the axel, which Daria is driving. Shot cuts to close up of Daria at the wheel of her vehicle. (Shots cut back and forth between Daria and Jane as they talk.)
DARIA (into mic): Slow down a little, I’m not really used to this. (beat) Hey Jane, what are we going to do if that engine won’t fit this truck?
JANE (ditto): Look at it this way, it we can’t make it fit, we get to listen to Ms Li bust on us all year for not bringing (imitating Ms Li) ‘honor and glory to Llaaaawndale Hhhigh!’
DARIA (deadpan): What the hell are you gong so slow for? Step on it!
JANE: I thought you’d say that.
Cut to a shot of Jane’s foot pushing down on the accelerator. Back in Daria’s truck, she gets jerked back in to her seat as the tow chain is yanked taut. Her helmet smacks the back window and is pushed down over her eyes, subsequently pushing her glasses down her nose.
DARIA: Not that fast!
Cut to wide shot of Peter and Rhonda and their SUV. Rhonda is on the quad runner, slowly pulling the SUV, while Peter is behind, pushing for all he’s worth. The vehicle is not moving very fast. The camera pulls back slightly as Jane and Daria’s two truck caravan pass through the shot in a cloud of exhaust. Jane can’t resist getting a dig in, and leans out her driver side window.
JANE (yelling): Get a horse!
RHONDA (with a dirty look, yelling): Get a life!
Cut to a very tight close up of a number 9 that has been cut out of a steel disk with a blow torch. The disk turns, a bell goes CLANG! and the 9 is now replaced by an 8. The camera pulls back to show Robert standing next to the Junkyard Time Machine, looking closely at the numbers. He turns around and lifts a bullhorn to his mouth.
ROBERT (into bullhorn): Attention teams! You now have eight relaxing hours of languid construction time remaining. That is eight hours remaining, teams. Thank you! (looks into Camera) Well, it looks like we’ve got what’s shaping up to be a real corker of a challenge, so join us after the break to see what transpires!
Behind him, Daria and Jane pull into their work bay. Daria’s truck stops half way into the bay, rather suddenly.
Robert looks behind him, and then back at the camera, slightly bemused.
ROBERT: Oh dear.
<<Fade to commerical bumper -- shot of the bay entrances as both quad-runners come out of their respective doorways. Bumper music -- Splendora’s version of the Junkyard Wars theme.>>
Act 2 --
Opening shot is a wide angle shot from above of Cathy sitting cross-legged on top of the pile of tires that Trent was digging through earlier. She looks up at the camera as the shot pans over and zooms in some.
CATHY (into camera): Welcome back to Junkyard Wars, where we’ve challenged two teams to make a pair of high speed mud racers out of our extensive collection of scrap. (Uncrosses her legs) With two hours down, let’s see how our two teams are progressing, shall we?
Cathy slides off of the tires just before the shot cuts over to a high shot that takes in both of the work bays. The Lawndale Cynics (on the left) have the two small pickups wedged in side by side, as well as the four big flotation tires in the bay. Daria and Jane are examining the tires and truck wheels while Trent and Rachel are looking over both trucks’ engine compartments. The Low Riders (on the right) have their vehicle in the bay. Rhonda is looking at the engine while Jeanine and Sarah are working on the wheel mounting problem. Peter is working on removing the flattened roof of their SUV with a power saw.
The shot then cuts to a wide shot of the Lawndale Cynics’ work bay from a more human level, centering on the bay entrance as Tyler walks in and gives the place the once over.
TYLER (rubs his hands together): So, Lawndale Cynics! What exactly do you have in mind for your mud buggy?
Jane looks up from her examination of the wheels on the four wheel drive.
JANE: Hey, Tyler. Well, we had winning in mind, (chuckle) or at least finishing without sinking, at the very least.
TYLER: I can see where that might be a good thing. (Gestures to Trent and Rachel.) I see that you’ve brought two vehicles in. What, exactly, is the plan of attack?
JANE: Well, Trent and Rachel are working on moving the engine from the two wheel drive over into the four wheel drive. We know the engine runs, so it’s just a matter of getting it to fit.
TYLER: I can see where that would be a little critical, wouldn’t it. Any concerns?
DARIA: Not really. Both pickups are the same model. The only major problem would be mating the transmission to the transfer case.
JANE (off Daria): Wow. You have been studying.
Daria just shrugs.
JANE (continues): Anyway, other than that there’s nothing that we’re really going to go crazy over until the time comes.
TYLER: So, what are you two working on?
DARIA (deadpan): Well, we were working on our world domination plans, but we decided we ought to put them aside and determine how to adapt these wheels to our vehicle.
TYLER (chuckles): Oookay... Any ideas?
JANE: Nothing immediately springs to mind, but we’ve got to deal with a steering problem, too.
TYLER: Looks like you’ve got a full plate, so I’ll leave you to it.
JANE (as Tyler walks off) See ya.
Jane waits for Tyler to leave the bay before turning back to Daria and their wheels.
JANE: Okay, now that you’ve torpedoed poor Tyler on national television, what are we going to do about these tires?
DARIA: I don’t know. There’s no way we can slap them on the existing wheels. The hubs that these things are supposed to go on are three times the size of those hubs we have.
Jane scratches the back of her head and thinks for a minute.
JANE: What if we welded some steel plates to the inside of the wheels and punched some holes in the plates so they fit our hubs.
Daria looks between the vehicle and the giant wheels.
DARIA: Well, that might work on the back, but not on the front. (She walks over to the truck) We wouldn’t be able to steer. There’d be no room for the tires to turn past the frame of the truck.
Jane cross her arms and looks like she’s trying not to start swearing.
JANE: Curse you Brains and your insidious logical ways.
DARIA: Intellect does have it’s price. Maybe if we used smaller tires. . .
JANE (shakes her head): We’d never get the flotation effect we need.
DARIA (smirk): Now who’s using their intellect.
Jane smirks back, then suddenly brightens as she gets an idea.
JANE: Hey, Trent!
Shot cuts over to the fronts of the pickups. Trent’s head pops out of the empty engine compartment of the four wheel drive truck at the sound of his name.
TRENT: What’s up?
JANE (stepping into the shot): You were on that wheel pile for a close to an hour. Were there any wheels out there that were about half way between what’s on this thing now and those big ones?
TRENT (Thinks for a minute): Yeah, I think there were a few. Whatcha got in mind?
Jane looks between the tires and the truck with that inspired look that Trent and Daria have seen all to often. It was one of those looks got them into this mess.
JANE (energetically): I just figured how we’re gonna get those wheels on. We’ll get some wheels that are between the two sizes, weld the middle sized ones to our big wheels, and then weld this thing’s rims to the middle sized ones.
Trent looks a little confused.
EXPERT RACHEL (from o/s): Like a layered wedding cake, laying in it’s side?
Shot widens to show Rachel, leaning on the other truck, considering Jane’s plan.
EXPERT RACHEL (thinking out loud): We’re gonna have to do something to reinforce the fittings between the tires and axle to handle the weight of the frame, and maybe between the wheels themselves . . . (Looks up) I like it.
JANE: All right! C’mon, Daria.
Jane runs out of the work bay and disappears into the scrap yard. Daria sighs and trudges along after.
DARIA (calling after Jane, deadpan): Don’t mind me, I’ll just bring the quad-runner. (Trudges off.)
Daria climbs on the quad runner and starts the engine. Very gingerly, she heads out into the scrap yard after Jane. The shot changes p.o.v. to that of a camera stationed outside the entrance to the Lawndale Cynics work bay.
DARIA (as she passes, speaking more to the cameraman than the camera): Better watch out, I’ve only had my license for about six months.
Cut over to the Low Riders’ work bay as Peter, fresh from the bay of the Lawndale Cynics, walks in to see what’s up. Expert Peter is still working in the SUV’s flattened roof with the power saw, sending the odd stream of sparks into the air. They have to talk a little louder than normal to be heard over Peter’s saw, as it is obvious that he has no intention of stopping while Tyler’s there.
TYLER: So, my Low Riding Ladies, what kind have early progress have you been making.
RHONDA (walks up to Tyler): Well, we’ve pretty much got what we need, so it’s just a matter of making it all fit. The engine works pretty well, but we have to seal it against the mud and water.
TYLER: What’s Peter doing?
RHONDA: We found this thing on its back with the roof caved in, which doesn’t matter much because we were planning on taking it off anyway.
TYLER: So, what about these big wheels? How are you going to get them to fit?
RHONDA (silent for a moment): Uhhmm, right at the moment I’m not really sure how we’re going to get those to work, to be honest about it. We are going to have to take a bunch of the body work off to get them to fit, I’m pretty sure of that. (shrugs) For right now, though, we’re just going to have to try and wing it and see what comes up.
TYLER: All righty, then, I’ll get out of your way and let you guys get to it.
Scene cuts to the Hosts’ Balcony between the two work bays, where Robert and Cathy are sitting and watching the goings on in either work bay. Tyler comes into the shot, and slips in between the two other hosts.
CATHY: Hello, Tyler. So what’s going on with our two teams?
TYLER: From what I could tell, the Lawndale Cynics have a lot of work ahead of them. They have to pull an engine and then put it in another vehicle with four wheel drive, and they still have to figure out how to adapt the wheels to fit.
ROBERT: Daria and Jane headed out into the scrap yard shortly after you left. I wonder if they’ve figured something out already?
Cut to a brief shot of Daria and Jane straining to put a large, yellow wheel rim into their quad-runner’s trailer. Two others are already there. Then cut back to the balcony
CATHY (nodding in the other direction): What about the Long Beach ladies? What do they have going on?
TYLER: Well, it looks like they’re about in the same place as the Cynics, but they don’t have to reinstall an engine. They do have to figure out how to adapt their wheels, though.
CATHY (a little quieter, her producer side kicking in): Seriously, how are those Lawndale kids doing?
TYLER: Pretty good. That Daria’s got quite the sharp tongue. (Beat, and smirk) Wonder if she’s ever thought about being a waitress?
Cut to Daria and Jane returning with the quad-runner and trailer, loaded with four hubs that look to be about what they were looking for. The two climb off of the quad-runner and take a hub off of the trailer and over to a monster wheel that is lying flat.
EXPERT RACHEL (o/s): Got ’em?
JANE: Looks like.
EXPERT RACHEL (o/s): Those things have to be centered just right or we’re gonna be in for a hell of a ride.
DARIA: Got it.
Camera angle moves some as Trent comes by in the foreground pushing an engine lift, while Daria and Jane double team one of the rims from the top of the pile. Both girls groan as they lift the heavy wheel.
DARIA: Uhrgh! (straining) Is it me or has this thing gotten heavier?
JANE (also straining): It ain’t just you!
Almost dropping it, Jane and Daria get the yellow rim in position, sort of, on the back of one of the monster tire rims. Jane and Daria lean on the monster wheel, catching their breath.
JANE: We’re not hauling three more of these things by ourselves.
DARIA: You talked me into this, you can talk them into helping.
JANE (stands up with a sigh): Ah, the things I do for my friends.
Shot cuts over to Trent and Expert Rachel. Trent is in the process of connecting chains from the engine lift to the motor, while Rachel is underneath, locating and loosening mounting bolts. As Jane walks up, Trent wipes his right cheek with the back of his hand, leaving a grease mark.
JANE: Hey guys. (Notices Trent’s smear) Taking the grunge thing literally, huh?
JANE: Skip it. You guys want to give us a hand with these wheels?
EXPERT RACHEL (from underneath): You found some that’ll work?
JANE: They’ll either work, or we’ll sink like a rock.
Rachel climbs out from under the truck and stands up into the shot.
EXPERT RACHEL: Well, then I guess they’d better work.
The girls head off screen, Trent following a moment later.
TRENT (apprehensive): Did I forget to mention that I don’t swim all that well?
Cut to a shot of Trent rolling the big tires over to where the first one is and pushing it over, while Daria, Jane, and Rachel are taking the yellow out of the quad-runner’s trailer and placing them on the monster rims.
TYLER (v/o): Well, it looks like the Cynics have gotten some of their problems worked out . .
Cut to the Low Riders’ work bay, where Jeanine and Sarah, wearing welders’ masks, are working on welding a large, steel I-beam across the center of one of there wheels hubs.
TYLER (v/o, continues) . . . And it looks like the Low Riders are taking a similar approach to their wheel mounting problems.
JEANINE (flips up her welder’s mask): This isn’t going to give us a lot of room to steer, you know.
SARAH (flips up her mask as well): Well, Peter said he has something in mind to get around that.
Cut to Expert Peter. He is using a heavy engine lift to raise up the rear end of the SUV in preparation for putting it up on a couple of nearby oil drums. In the background, Cathy comes into the Low riders work bay through the scrap yard entrance. Cathy waits until Peter has one of the oil drums in place, then walks up to Peter.
CATHY: So, Peter. What exactly is your modus operendi here? I notice that Jeanine and Sarah are welding up some rather serious looking steel onto your wheels, over there.
EXPERT PETER (sliding the other drum underneath): Well >grunt< we need to extend our axels some . . . (positions other drum and lowers jack) and we also have to have enough room to steer with these big wheels. So what we’re going to try and do is this.
Expert Peter leads Cathy over to their drawing board. On it is a diagram of what looks like a small wheel hub connected to a larger one with some kind of an A-frame.
EXPERT PETER (pointing): What we’re going to do is connect the two sets of hubs together with that heavy I-beam steel. That will give us a nice wide footprint and the extra weight we’ll need to get into the solid stuff underneath, and we’ll only need about five acres to turn the thing around in, instead of forty.
CATHY (looking thoughtful): I see . . . And this is going to be sturdy enough to hold up under the weight of that heavy SUV?
EXPERT PETER: It should be by the time we’re done.
CATHY: Here’s hoping.
Cut to the Hosts Balcony, where Tyler seems to have found a rather ratty looking top hat, which he has subsequently put on. He also has the bullhorn that Robert was using at the end of Act 1. He is doing an imitation of a circus ringmaster.
TYLER (through bullhorn): Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls! Children of all ages! As time marches inexorably onward, you now have six hours construction time remaining! Only six hours! Let the three ring circus begin!
Cut back to the Cynics work bay, where Expert Rachel is still working under one of the mini trucks, still trying to free up the engine. Trent is looking at a hand full of cables from that same engine. His expression seems to indicate that something isn’t right. Behind Trent, Jane walks through and picks up a welding mask off of the work bench. From below, there is a THUNK sound as the last obstacle (whatever it was) preventing them from removing the engine is removed.
EXPERT RACHEL (from below): Okay, that’s got it. (slides out and stands) Let’s get this thing out of here.
TRENT: Uh . . . wait a second. I think . . .
Jane (walking off): Don’t just stand there, Stick Boy, help the lady.
Trent shoots Jane a look as she’s heading off screen back the way she came. Then he looks back at the wiring before dropping it and going over to the jack handle on the engine lift.
TRENT: Uh, yeah, right.
Trent starts working the lift and the engine slowly begins to rise out of the compartment, with Rachel guiding it.
Cut back to Daria and Jane and the wheels. Daria is using a ruler and calipers to precisely measure from several points around the perimeter of the monster rim. Jane has her welding mask on her head, in the up position, and is waiting for Daria to finish her measurements. She is also checking out a high-powered welder that’s a little more high-tech than she’s used to.
DARIA Well, it’s as close as I can make it. (Eyes the welder) You sure you know how to work that thing?
JANE (smirks): I’ve used these before, no need to worry. I’m not going to hurt myself.
DARIA: It’s not you I’m worried about, it’s the rest of us. If these things don’t hold up under the buggy’s weight . . .
JANE (still smirking): Daria, amiga! (smirk turns somewhat scary) Trust me!
DARIA (rolls eyes): Oh god! I’m going to go help Trent and Rachel with the trucks.
Daria walks off towards Trent and Rachel. Jane, meanwhile, flips down her welder’s mask with a nod of her head and starts to work on welding the hubs together.
Cut to Rachel and Trent as Daria comes up to them Rachel makes a gesture at the now engineless truck. The three start to push the vehicle out of the work bay.
TRENT: Maybe I should keep some of the stuff off of here for The Tank. Max needs new handles for the windows.
EXPERT RACHEL: “The Tank?”
DARIA: It used to be a van in a previous incarnation.
Rachel cocks an eyebrow at Daria.
DARIA (deadpan): Trust me, you’re better off not knowing.
Cut to a shot of the now engineless pickup being pushed into the yard and hitting a low pile of junk with a crunch. Cut back to the entrance of the work bay, looking inward at Jane welding. Cathy comes walking up as Trent, Daria, and Rachel are walking back.
CATHY: That would seem to be a rather vital bit of kit you just disposed of.
DARIA: Not really. That was our engine donor.
CATHY (intrigued): Really?
EXPERT RACHEL: Yep. There was another outfit with the four wheel drive capability, so we took the engine out of that one for our racer.
Cut to the inside of the work bay as Cathy and the Cynics walk up to the engine on it’s lift.
CATHY: Have you gotten it started yet?
TRENT: Well, Daria and Janey used it to tow in the other pickup, so it worked before. Once we get it installed and everything hooked back up again, it should still work. (quiet) I hope.
EXPERT RACHEL: Were also going to have to remove most of that body weight and put on some kind of a roll cage.
Rachel walks over to the tool bench and picks up a couple of cordless saws -- a reciprocating saw and a circular saw (like the ones firefighters use). Both have carbide blades for cutting through steel.
EXPERT RACHEL (smirks): Well? Feel like making some noise?
Daria takes the reciprocating say and hefts it in her hands, looking it over.
DARIA: I think I could use a little “vehicular abbreviation” about now.
Cathy looks at the camera and decides that now would be a good time to leave.
CATHY (to camera): I think I’d better get out of the way.
JANE (o/s): Damn it, woman! You get all the fun jobs!
Cut to brief montage.
Jane welding a couple of extra supporting bars onto the wheel she’s working on
Jeanine welding on another A-frame / hub connection
Daria and Rachel slicing into the truck’s fender panels, sparks jumping from Rachel’s circular saw blade.
Expert Peter slicing off a fender panel from the SUV while Rhonda pulls the wheel hub from the opposite side.
Trent tossing the removed fender panels out of the work bay door.
Trent jacking their pickup up, while Daria removes the lug nuts with a power drill/driver. A pair of blocks sit nearby, ready to be put in place once the tires are gone.
Cut to Tyler sitting on top of one of the rear wheels of the earthmover that Cathy was aboard in the opening.
TYLER: Well, it looks like our two teams are evenly matched, for the moment. But we all know that anything can happen out here in the junkyard. Come back and join us for more mechanical mischief after the break.
<<Fade to commercial bumper -- Daria and Rachel slicing onto the truck’s fender panels. >>
Act 3 -- Scrapyard Scramble
Opening scene is of Robert walking through the scrap yard, facing the camera. The old pontoon plane is visible in the background.
ROBERT: Welcome back to Junkyard Wars! Today, we’ve challenged two teams to put together a pair of monstrous mud racers for us. So far, neither of them has encountered any major problems and both seem to be moving right along at a matched pace. Let’s see how things proceed, shall we?
Cut to a wide shot of the Lawndale Cynics work bay. Daria is pulling the final wheel off their midsize pickup while Trent and Expert Rachel are preparing their engine for installation.
ROBERT (v/o): One of the youngest teams to grace our scrap yard, The Lawndale Cynics, is in the process of attempting to build a light mud buggy that will skip across the surface of our maliciously designed race course.
Cut to a shot of Jane welding a wheel rim from the pickup on top of the first of their “wedding cake” wheels.
ROBERT (v/o, con’t): But with four of these all steel ‘layer cakes,‘ it doesn’t seem too likely that their racer will be very light on its wheels.
Jane stops welding, flips up her mask, and blows on the hot weld before picking up a water bottle from the other side of the tire. She’s looking fairly tired as she takes a long drink.
JANE (swallows, mutters): This is gonna take all day. (Looks over her shoulder) First one’s done!
Scene cuts over to the Long Beach Lady Low Riders work bay where similar projects are being worked on. Jeanine and Sarah are working on welding another I-beam / A-frame conglomeration together, while Peter and Rhonda are wrestling the first of their monster wheels into position on the rear of their vehicle
ROBERT (v/o, con’t): The Long Beach Lady Low Riders, however, are definitely in the market for something weighty, and it looks like they found what they were looking for. Their design is supposed to press through the muck to find the solid ground beneath.
Rhonda reaches into the frame and starts trying to fit the lug nuts back on, but it’s a rather tight fit.
ROBERT (v/o, con’t): But they face the same problems as the Cynics. It it’s too heavy, it won’t be going anywhere.
RHONDA (muttering): Oh hell, c’mon . . .why won’t . . .
Rhonda pulls off her helmet and takes a real close at the wheel where the I-beams are welded on.
RHONDA: Hey, Sarah! You didn’t leave enough room for me to put the lug nuts on!
Shot quick pans over to Sarah as she flips her welding mask up and heads over to where Rhonda is kneeling.
SARAH: What? (Walks over) Baloney, I did too. You’re just not doing it right.
Rhonda tosses the lug nut to Sarah.
RHONDA: Well, then you try it.
Sarah gets down on her knees and reaches into the wheel assembly with the lug nut. Metal striking metal can be heard as she tries to get the nut into the tight space.
SARAH: Let’s back this thing off a little.
RHONDA (sing-song as she’s getting up): It ain’t gonna woooorrrk.
Both girls grab the wheel assembly and give a couple of hard tugs, moving it about an inch and a half.
SARAH (reaching back inside): Yes it will.
Sarah reaches back inside the assembly and tries again. By this time, Jeanine and Peter’s attention have been drawn to their actions. Once again metal rubbing against metal can be heard.
EXPERT PETER: What’s the problem?
RHONDA: Not enough room to get the lug nuts in.
Peter bends down to look at the wheel, just as Sarah gives up on her second attempt. She sits back and glares at the wheel with an if-looks-could-kill glare.
EXPERT PETER (looking inside): Let me see.
SARAH (muttering): Damn, damn, dammit! Son of a [BEEP]!
TYLER (v/o): Looks like a bit of a problem on the Low Riders side. I think I’ll wander over and see what I can find out.
Cut to a shot of Tyler walking in from the scrap yard, and pans with him as he walks up to the Low Riders.
TYLER: Looks like you’ve hit some kind of a snag here. What’s going on?
SARAH (standing up): What’s going on is we’ve welded the I-beam pieces too deep into the wheel, and now we don’t have enough room to get the lug nuts inside.
TYLER: Do you think that you’ll have time to fix it, or are you going to make another one, maybe? Any ideas?
The Low Riders all just kind of look from one person to another for a moment.
TYLER (chuckles): Good question, it looks like.
EXPERT PETER (shrugs): Well, we’re not going to have time to make another one or to tear this one apart and re-do it. We’ll just have to go in with a drill and make room for the nuts and hope it holds.
TYLER: What’s that going to do in terms of strength for the rest of the wheels?
EXPERT PETER (doesn‘t look too happy): Beats me. We’re just going to have to figure out how to put these things together without covering up the lugs.
Cut to the Cynics work bay, where Jane and Daria (after a crash refresher on welder use) are working on assembling their second extended wheel. Focus on Trent and Expert Rachel as they work around their engine, making some initial connections. This is fairly easy due to the fact that the body work back to the cab firewall has been sliced away. Rachel is checking wires and hoses, while Trent is ratcheting down the mounting bolts beneath.
Robert comes walking in as Trent stands up from his work.
ROBERT: It appears that you’re about to test your engine.
EXPERT RACHEL: Well, we’re hoping to test it.
TRENT: It should work. I think.
ROBERT (looking skeptically at the motor): Well, our scrap yard engines can be notoriously fiddly bits of kit, you know.
EXPERT RACHEL (to Trent): Well, lets see what happens. Fire it up.
Camera follows Trent as he walks over to the driver seat and climbs in to their mutilated vehicle. Similar to what Daria did earlier, Trent reaches into the ignition switch with a pair of pliers and turns the works within.
The engine turns, coughs, and sputters as all three of them look on anxiously, waiting for it to turn over. After about thirty seconds, they all start to look worried, as the engine still hasn’t caught.
ROBERT (looking worriedly at Trent and Rachel): Oh dear. That’s doesn’t sound good.
TRENT (getting out of the vehicle): What’s wrong with this thing?
Trent immediately climbs out and starts checking the various wires on his side of the engine, while Rachael do the same on her side. Robert is quickly forgotten.
EXPERT RACHEL: It’s getting plenty of gas and it sounds like it’s trying to catch. We’re just not getting a spark someplace.
By this time, Rachel and Trent have completely forgotten about the cameras and are very intently checking wires and hoses. Robert is looking over the two at the camera.
ROBERT: It looks like there two have some serious work to do. Let’s get out of their way, shall we?
Cut to the Junkyard Time Machine’s numbered wheel, where a roughly cut 5 is replaced with a 4 as the time machine’s bell goes “CLANG!!” The camera pulls back to reveal Cathy standing there with the bullhorn.
CATHY (through bullhorn): Attention teams! It is now time to go to panic stations! There are now only four hours construction time remaining. Four hours remaining! Thank you!
Camera cuts back over to a medium shot of Daria and Jane. Jane looks up as Cathy finishes, but Daria doesn’t, holding her welder in both hands and meticulously moving around the perimeter of the wheel.
JANE (from behind her mask): Four hours?! Cripes, just one of these things took two hours! (Looks at the other stacks of wheels and walks over to one) I’m going to get started on one of these other wheel sets.
DARIA (ditto): Jane, I’m still not sure that I’m doing this right.
Sparks start to fly as Jane starts on a new wheel and she has to shout to be heard.
JANE (shouting): Just keep a steady bead going as best you can. And don’t worry if there’s a hole or two, we’ll patch them tomorrow if we have to.
DARIA (mumbles): Easy for you to say.
Daria goes back to her welding.
CATHY (v/o): It looks like this has turned into a contest to see who can build the biggest wheel assembly.
Camera cuts to the Low Riders as they work on one of the rear wheels of their vehicle. Sarah is doing the welding while Expert Peter is holding one of their A-frame wheels, hiding behind it from the sparks.
CATHY (v/o, con’t): In the interest of time, the Long Beach Low Riders have given up trying to redesign their wheel assemblies and are now in the process of welding their frames to the wheels after they’ve bolted them onto the axels.
Shot cuts back to the Cynics workbay, where Expert Rachel and Trent are still working on their engine, checking connections and tracking wires back to their sources. Both of them are looking decidedly grubbier as they fiddle with the various components of the engine.
CATHY (v/o, con’t): But time doesn’t seem to be on the side of the Lawndale Cynics. With one wheel assembly complete, and two others only partially finished, time is not on their side, either. And neither is their engine, it would seem.
Begin brief montage.
Low Riders’ Expert Peter is holding on to one of the arms of one of their A-frames, while Rhonda is welding it into place.
Daria painstakingly welding the upper section of one of their wheel assemblies.
Close up of the Junkyard Time Machine as the 4 changes to a 3.
Sarah and Jeanine are yanking on a pipe bender, trying to start assembling their roll-cage.
Trent going over the engine before trying to start it again. Trent’s expression starts to get a little desperate when it obviously hasn’t started.
Rhonda pushes an engine jack carrying a partially assemble A-frame over to their vehicle while Expert Peter jacks it up.
Close up of the Junkyard Time Machine as the 3 changes to a 2.
Jane, now back in her work helmet, and Expert Rachel work to jack up their vehicle in the rear to install two of their finished wheels, while Trent is still working on the engine.
Jeanine welding part of their roll-cage to the SUV’s remaining frame work.
Expert Rachel is working with a pipe bender to begin the Cynics roll cage, while Trent is still working frantically on the engine!
Cut to Jane and Daria looking at their wheel assemblies, while Expert Rachel is bolting the last one on with a power driver. Both girls look tired, while Jane looks over their work, Daria is working her fingers.
JANE: I didn’t think that we’d get these babies done in time. (Turns to Daria) You swing a good welder there, kid.
DARIA (wiggling her fingers): I think my hands are asleep.
JANE: Don’t worry, they’ll wake up. (smirks) We are so gonna kick butt tomorrow.
Trent walks into the shot form the vehicle, covered in grease, dirt, and grunge.
TRENT (tiredly): We are so screwed tomorrow. No matter what I do, I can’t get that thing to start!
Jane and Daria exchange a worried look.
JANE (to Trent): Let’s go take a look.
Cut to a close shot of a grungy looking engine. Several hoses and wires are fixed together with silver tape, and the engine itself is showing a of dings, dirt, and grease. Jane leans into the shot, her hand on her chin, looking the engine over thoughtfully.
JANE: Hmm. . .
Shot pulls back Trent, Daria, and Expert Rachel looking on as Jane examines the situation.
JANE (stands and heads o/s): Wait right here.
TRENT: What’s wrong with it?
JANE (o/s): Remember that trip we tried to make to Suitsville?
Daria and Trent exchange a look.
DARIA: She’s not serious.
Jane comes walking back on screen carrying a very familiar looking glue gun in one hand. Judging by her expression, she may as well be carrying the sword Excalibur.
TRENT: She’s serious.
JANE: The Stick-mata Five Thousand! I knew they had one of these!
Jane immediately slathers hot glue on a couple of hose connections in the engine.
EXPERT RACHEL (very skeptical): She’s kidding, right? She doesn’t really expect that to work, does she?
DARIA (dry): Well, it is the best glue gun on the market.
Cut to a medium shot of Trent behind the wheel as he turns the ignition, then to the engine as it turns and coughs once . . . twice . . . then roars to life in a cloud of black smoke.
Camera pulls back to a wide shot of all four team members and their monstrous vehicle they have created. Trent smiles and nods as he revs the engine while Jane and Daria exchange a smirk. Expert Rachel just shakes her head in disbelief.
Cutting over to the Low Riders work bay, where Rhonda, wearing welding goggles and looking decidedly cyborg like, looks form her welding job. The sound of a revving engine can clearly be heard.
RHONDA: Hunh. I was wondering if they’d ever get that thing started. (goes back to her welding) Amateurs.
Cut to a wide shot of the Hosts Balcony where Tyler, Cathy, and Robert are sitting and looking out over the two teams as they continue to work. This time, all three of them have a bullhorn of some form.
CATHY (into bullhorn): Attention everyone, we have an announcement to make. And it’s the kind of announcement that we really hate to make at this point.
ROBERT (also into bullhorn): We know that you’ve all been working really hard, and that we think that you’ve put together some really, uh, great looking machines, and we really hate to do this to you, but --
TYLER (likewise with the bullhorn): Actually, they’re just a couple of wimps, ‘cause this is the kind of announcement that I just love to make! I really, really do! Because, teams --
TYLER / CATHY/ ROBERT (yelling without their bullhorns) YOU ONLY HAVE ONE HOUR LEFT!! AAAHHHHHHH!!!
Cut to the various scenes of the flurry of last minute activity:
Trent holding up part of the Cynics’ roll cage as Expert Rachel welds it to the vehicle frame.
Medium shot of Jane walking backwards, pulling bench seat out of the pickup that they jettisoned earlier in the day. After a second, Daria walks out of the truck door, carrying the other end of the seat, and they jog back towards their work bay.
Slightly wider shot of Rhonda and Jeanine spraying expanding, waterproofing foam on various electrical connections in their engine: battery leads, spark plug connections, distributor, etc.
Expert Peter and Sarah are fitting a hastily cut protective panels (cut from their vehicle’s missing hood) to the underside of the underside of the engine compartment.
TYLER (v/o as scene’s progress): With only an hour left, and the clock winding down, the usual, last minute mad scramble is on. The Low Riders are fitting pieces cut from their hood to the bottom of the vehicle to keep the muck from drowning their engine.
Cut to wide shot of the Cynics’ work area. Jane and Rachel are standing in what’s left of the bed of their pickup turned mud buggy and welding down the bench seat that they just liberated. Trent is in the background, working with the last couple of lengths of pipe for their roll cage, and Daria is putting waterproof foam on their engine connections.
TYLER (v/o, con’t): Jane and Rachel are putting in the additional seating that they will need for the big race tomorrow. After that, it’s a quick finish to their roll cage to cap off the day.
Cut to shot of Jane running over to their vehicle with an arm load of spray paint cans and an almost maniacal look on her face. A cut to the other work bay shows that the Low Riders are painting their own vehicle as well.
TYLER: (v/o, con’t): And, of course, both teams take a few minutes to put on that all important coat of war paint!
Cut to wide shot of the Cynics’ work bay, where Jane is painting furiously, a spray can in each hand, and directing the other three at the same time.
Cut to wide shot of the Low Riders work bay, where Peter and the ladies are painting rough flames on their vehicle, as well as silver on the tires.
Cut to a tight shot of the Junkyard Time Machine, where the roughly cut 1 is replaced by a 0.
TIME MACHINE BELL: CLANG CLANG CLANG!
Shot cuts to wide shot of the Hosts Balcony, where Robert, standing on the chair, has his bullhorn.
ROBERT (into bullhorn): All right teams, your time is up! Put down those tools and drop your paint cans! Go home, get some dinner, get some sleep, for tomorrow WE RACE!
Shots of the Low Riders and Cynics, respectively, looking tired and exchanging high fives and claps on the shoulders. Daria looks just plain whipped.
Cut to a wide, circling shot of the Cynics work bay, showing just their vehicle sitting in the cluttered, used, and disheveled work area. It has been painted in eye scorchingly bright yellows, greens, pinks, and blues. On the side of what was once a pickup’s cargo bed, Jane has named their vehicle “Descent into Madness,” in dripping black letters.
CATHY (v/o): After ten hours of frantic planning and construction, will the Lawndale Cynics’ garishly painted bog racer, skip lightly over the surface of our Junkyard Swamp? Or will Descent into Madness descend into the mud?
Cut to a wide circling shot of the Low Riders work bay, again showing just their vehicle against the aftermath of the day’s work. It’s wheels and tires have been painted bright silver, while hastily scrawled flames adorn what remains of the body work. Purple letters on the wheels christen her the “Highrider.”
CATHY (v/o, con’t): Or will it be the Long Beach Lady Low Riders heavy “Highrider” that digs deep into our swamp to come out with a victory? Or will it be unable to dig it self out?
Cut to medium shot of Cathy on the Hosts Balcony.
CATHY: Join us after the break to see which of these bodge-tastic bog racers comes out comes out of the mud, glowing in victory.
<<Fade to commercial bumper -- montage shots of teams last minute work>>
Act 4 -- And it’s off to the races.
Opening shot to the act is a long helicopter shot of a large, muddy area about the size of a couple of football fields laid side by side. A rough oval track is marked in the muddy field with brightly colored cones and flags. The perimeter of the field is dotted with four-by-four vehicles, cranes, camera rigs, and tow trucks. Two rather haphazard looking vehicles stand out on the side of nearest the Start-Finish line.
Cut to wide shot of Cathy, sitting on a (more or less) portable version of the Hosts Balcony mounted on the back of a one-ton pickup truck.
CATHY: Welcome back to the new season of Junkyard Wars. To recap, we’ve challenged two brave teams to build bog racers for us that can tackle the treacherous curves of our Junkyard Swamp Raceway. Now, as usual, we’ve given our teams one hour of tinkering time to fine tune their racers. After that, it’s sink or swim. (Looks off camera, in the general direction of the swamp / racecourse, and gets a very nervous expression on her face.) Yikes.
Shot cuts to the Lawndale Cynics, who are walking around climbing on top of their vehicle, checking welds, tightening bolts, and spraying water proofing foam on various parts of their engine. It also seems that, over the course of the night, someone has installed gray, four point safety harnesses on the seats.
CATHY(v/o): The Lawndale Cynics, a team of young adults from the suburb of Lawndale, and their Expert, Florida mud racing champion Rachel Heinz, have built a four wheel drive buggy that they hope will be light enough to skip across the top of our swamp on it’s gigantic flotation tires. With some bits if it’s engine held together by little more than hot glue, it remains to be seen how it performs.
Shot cuts over to the Long Beach Lady Low Riders, who are doing pretty much the same thing, except they’re paying more attention to their A-frame mounted wheels. Once again, someone has installed four point harnesses over the previous night.
CATHY (v/o, con’t): Our other team, The Long Beach Lady Low Riders, a team of custom car builders, and their expert, Peter Hoffman, who just so happens to be Rachel’s rival form Florida, have build an enormously beefy vehicle that is supposed to dig down to the solid ground below the mud. The questions here are, will it be able to dig itself out of what it gets into, and will their spindly looking wheels hold up under the strain?
Shot cuts back to Cathy, on the portable Hosts Balcony.
CATHY: Now, once our hour of tinker time is up, the experts, who will be doing all the driving for safety reasons, will have a few minutes to test drive their vehicles on dry land before braving our treacherous swamp.
Scene cuts to the animated Junkyard Wars “chalkboard,” that now shows a diagram of the track seen in the opening. Two little vehicles, vaguely resembling the vehicles that the teams had built, sit at the start-finish line.
TYLER (v/o): Our race starts in relatively shallow waters, so to speak. The mud at the start-finish line is only about a foot deep, something our teams vehicles can easily handle.
On the board, the vehicles move to the first turn of the oval, leaving dotted lines behind them. Several small, cartoonish rocks with frowny faces appear in the vehicles path.
TYLER (v/o, con’t): Now as they go around the first turn, the mud will get progressively deeper. We’ve placed several small boulders in the mud on the first turn that the teams will either have to avoid or use for traction, depending on their strategy.
The vehicles move to the back stretch, where several cone’s appear in a line
TYLER (v/o, con’t): Once on the back stretch, where the mud is almost three feet deep, we’ve place a slalom course that our racers will have to navigate without getting stuck.
The vehicles move to the final turn. A couple of cartoonish tanker trucks appear and start spraying the last turn with water from little animated turrets. Splashes start forming around the little racers’ tires.
TYLER (v/o, con’t): Then it’s on to the final turn where, thanks to a pair of five thousand gallon tankers, the course there is more the consistency of soup than mud. After that, it’s on to the finish line.
The vehicles move to the Start-Finish line.
TYLER (v/o, con’t): Piece of cake!
Two little “!?” appear with a “toink!“ sound over each of the vehicles.
Cut to a medium shot of Robert walking along the dry land near the final turn. Thw two tanker trucks Tyler mentioned are seen in the background.
ROBERT: Now, our race is going to consist of three heats, all head to head. Best of three will be the winner, obviously, and the winning team will move on to the Junkyard Wars semi finals.
Cut to a wide shot of Tyler and the Lawndale Cynics, watching as their expert runs the Descent into Madness around in a couple of wide figure eights. It is apparent that agility, at least on dry land, is not it’s forte. Rachel revs the engine as she goes into a turn, causing the vehicle to fishtail slightly, to the scattered applause of Jane, Trent, and Tyler. Rachel pulls up in front of her team and cuts the engine.
TYLER: So, how does she handle?
EXPERT RACHEL (removing helmet): I don’t suppose that you could add another fifteen acres to that course?
TYLER: There’s a few bugs in the design, then?
EXPERT RACHEL (removing harness): The steering gets real strange if you turn it too tight. The front end really starts to drag cause of the way the wheels get off-set.
DARIA: Is that going to be a problem?
EXERT RACHEL (jumps down from racer) : I don’t know, but I’m starting to wish that we had put some kind of mud guards on this thing. It’s gonna get messy out there, and that’s a fact.
DARIA (flatly): Swell.
Cut to a wide shot of Cathy and the Low Riders, also watching their expert test drive their vehicle. Agility does not appear to be the Highrider’s thing either, as it’s turns are almost as wide as the Descent. It sounds like it has plenty of power, too, but it looks like that most of the power is needed to move the vehicle. It also looks as though the wheels aren’t quite as straight as they ought to be.
CATHY (watching the driving test): So, what’s the verdict?
JEANINE: Well, we couldn’t balance the wheels the way we wanted too, so they’re a little off.
CATHY: I would think that that would be something of a problem, wouldn’t it? I mean, don’t a car’s wheels have to be balanced just so?
RHONDA: Normally, yeah, so the tires don‘t ware away unevenly. But we only need this thing for a couple of hours, so that won’t be too big of a problem.
Cut to a medium shot of Peter as he pulls up in the Highrider and cuts the engine. He looks a little tired as he removes his helmet. He looks over the side of the vehicle as Cathy and the Low Riders pull up.
JEANINE: So, how’d we do?
EXPERT PETER (laughing): Damn, this is gonna be a wild ride!
Peter begins to disentangle himself form the vehicle’s harness.
CATHY (v/o): Well, tinkering time and test drives are over. Lets get everyone set up for the first heat of the day.
Scene cuts to a wide shot of the Start / Finish line, where the two vehicles are being prepped for the race. Hghrider has the inside lane, leaving Descent into Madness the outside. White coated JYW officials are giving the track and the vehicles one last once over. A quick close up is shown of each expert, from small cameras installed on the roll-bars.
Scene cuts to a medium shot of Cathy standing near the Start / Finish line.
CATHY (Into a bullhorn): Attention drivers! The first one around our swampy course is the winner! Passing outside the marked course will cost you a ten second time penalty, so watch your driving! (beat) Lady and Gentleman, start your engines!
The shot cuts quickly to the Cynics and the Low Riders in turn, watching from the side lines as their vehicles rev up. Both teams look pleased that their vehicles managed to start again.
CATHY (still into bullhorn): All right then, drivers -- on the sound of the horn!
Cathy holds up a hand held air horn over her head and presses the trigger with her thumb. Both drivers stomp on the gas as their vehicles surge forward, spraying water and mud out to the sides. Descent appears to pull into an early lead.
ROBERT (voice over): And they’re off! And it looks like the Cynics’ vehicle is taking a commanding lead early in the race. She’s going to be the first one to take on the rock hazards at the first turn.
The shot cuts to a wide shot down the first turn as Descent hits the turn. Rachel can be seen rapidly turning the steering wheel as the vehicle comes within about six inches of the outside markers. Hot on Descent’s heels, Highrider makes it’s own wide turn, but it’s slightly tighter than Descent’s.
ROBERT (v/o): Look at that! Both vehicles turn awfully wide there, coming into the first turn, but they both manage to stay on the course. Descent has managed to get around the rocks while it looks like the Highrder has to go over the ones between the first turn and the back stretch.
Highrider has completed it’s turn and is shown powering it’s way over the rocks nearest the camera’s position. The angle then changes to the back stretch, showing Descent trying to navigate the slalom across the deep mud. Rachel gamely tries to make all four turns in the slalom, but plows over the third marker. The white coated judge watching the back stretch raises a red flag.
TYLER (v/o): They hit the marker! That’s going to cost them ten seconds added onto their time at the end of the heat, but with their time it doesn’t look like it’ll matter!
The shot cuts to a wide shot of both teams watching the race. Everyone but Daria is jumping up and down, yelling, cheering and clapping. Daria, however, in her classic deadpan, raises one fist part way
DARIA: Go, Rachel, go.
JANE (stops cheering and smirks at Daria): Jeez, Daria, don’t strain yourself.
The shot then cuts back to the race’s back stretch, where Highrider plows into the slalom course. Though moving slower, Highrider makes all four turns without hitting a marker.
TYLER (v/o): Highrider pushed through with no problems. But the Cynics’ Descent into Madness has got the lead in this race.
The shot cuts to a wide shot of Descent, already halfway through the far turn, almost completely obscured by the water and mud being thrown up and around it. Rachel finishes the turn, but fishtail horrendously coming out of it. A minicam close-up shows Rachel frantically trying to correct for the turn. The wide shot cuts back in and shows Descent dipping to the left as Highrider, visible behind, dives into the second turn with a muddy bow wave.
TYLER (v/o): She’s almost lost it there, but she’s got it under control, but Peter’s got the Highrider coming on like gangbusters behind her!
Scene cuts to a wide shot of the Start / Finish where Kathy is waiting with a checkered flag, which she starts waving after a moment, just before Descent into Madness, covered in mud, comes roaring by.
TYLER (v/o): The Cynics have the first heat, with one penalty. And here comes Highrider!
The Low Riders’ vehicles comes rumbling through, also covered with mud. As Kathy waves the checkered flag again.
ROBERT (v/o): It’s up to our judges and time keepers now. With their ten second penalty, the race may be a little closer than it appears.
The scene cuts to a wide shot of the staging area next to the Start / Finish line, where the two mud covered vehicles are being checked over by their teams. Cathy is conversing with two of the lab coat wearing judges who are carrying stopwatches, and making notes on a battered pad. After a moment, she walks over to where the to vehicles and their teams are at.
CATHY: First of all, the time for the Long Beach Lady Low Riders is two minutes and forty eight seconds, with no penalties! Good job, Low Riders! (scattered clapping) Now, the time for the Lawndale Cynics includes one ten second time penalty for hitting a flag on the slalom course. Their original time was two thirty-two, for a total time of two minutes and fifty two seconds! (more scattered clapping) Okay, teams, here’s where things are going to get a bit dodgey. The next two heats, your vehicles are to be fully loaded -- that is, your entire teams must be on board.
The assorted team members look Peter and Rachel up and down, knowing what’s coming. A couple of them chuckle, and Daria looks like she’s about ready to bow out of the whole thing. Jane, however, is stoked.
JEANINE: All right, let’s get dirty!
The scene cuts momentarily to a long shot of Descent and Highrider back at the Start / Finish line, engines idling. In both cases, all four team members are mounting up and strapping in. Jane and Rachel are in the front seat of Descent, with Daria and Trent in the back. Jeanine and Peter are in the front seat of Highrider, with Rhonda and Sarah in back. The shot then cuts to a medium shot of Cathy, standing near the Start / Finish line with her bullhorn and air horn can.
CATHY (through bullhorn): All right teams, you know the Rules! Let’s have a good clean race! Drivers, on the sound of the horn --!
Cathy holds up the air horn and triggers it with her thumb.
Both vehicles lurch off of the starting line again, but when the muck starts getting deep, it’s Highrider that starts to pull into the lead. Descent has to power it’s big tires through the mud, this time, instead of bouncing over it. Mud and water are flying everywhere from both vehicles.
ROBERT (v/o): And there they go again! This time ‘round, it looks like Highrider might have the advantage. Those thin wheels were meant to dig through the glop and grab the ground underneath, and with the weight of the rest of the team that’s exactly what they’re doing.
We cut to a shot down the first turn as Highrider starts into the turn with Descent right behind. Highrider seems to have lost some of what little maneuverability it had and is turning very wide.
Cut to a medium shot of Robert standing next to one of the judges near the first turn.
ROBERT (watching the race): Come on, guys, don’t hit those flags don’t -- Oh, there it goes!
Cut back to the Highrider, plowing over a flag on the outside of the turn. Descent, following right along behind, smacks the flag as it pops back out of the mud and goes completely out of the course.
Cut back to Robert, and the judge, who has his red flag up.
ROBERT (excited): Look at that! They’re both over the line! (glances at the camera, then back at the race) They’ll only get ten seconds each, but they’re going fairly slowly already.
Cut to a minicam shot of the Cynics in their vehicle, mud flying everywhere. Trent and Daria are covered and look like they’d rather be someplace else, Jane looks like she’s having the time of her life, and Rachel is ignoring all, concentrating on driving the unwieldy vehicle.
Cut to a minicam shot of the Low Riders in their vehicle. They are similarly covered in mud, but Rhonda and Sarah are watching behind them, while Jeanine and Peter are concentrating on the road.
Cut to a shot of Descent as it fishtails in the muck and powers back onto the course and charges for the slalom.
CATHY (v/o): It looks like all the extra weight has thrown off the dynamics of the vehicles. With the extra weight of the rest of the team members, Highrider may be too heavy to push through the mud ahead of it’s wheels. The Cynics may be in the same problem, as their vehicle was designed to skip along the relative surface of the course, but now has to swim along as best it can.
The cameral angle changes to a shot down the length of the slalom course. Highrider gets past the first marker of the slalom with no problem, but hits the marker for the second turn and winds up with another penalty. Descent follows close behind, but it’s wide turns make it difficult to make the last swerve in the slalom, and Rachel ends up running over the fourth marker.
TYLER (v/o): Wow! Both teams are coming out of the slalom with another ten second penalty each! Neither side is giving the other a break out there! Both are going all out!
The shot cuts to a wide shot of the water turn, where both of the mud racers hit the water hard enough to raise up huge bow waves. For speed, they are evenly matched as the forge across the small lake, but the Highrider already has the lead. Both vehicles wheels are spinning wildly, throwing up mud and water.
TYLER (v/o): Both drivers are pouring it on through the water at the second turn, but neither one of them seems to be able to get any kind of an advantage! The bottom of the lake has turned to mud by now, and the Low Riders skinny tires aren’t really helping them at all, now. And it looks like the Cynics are having almost the same kind of problems -- Their tires won’t sink into the mud, but they have to push all of that water out of the way.
The scene changes to the shot of the water turn from the Start / Finish line, with Cathy standing a few feet off to the side. Both vehicles come into the shot within a few seconds of each other. The vehicles manage to pick up a little speed as their wheels find solid ground again, but Highrider has too much of a lead and crosses the line about a car length before Descent. Cathy waves the checkered flag like crazy as the mud racers go by and pull up on dry land.
Cut to a medium shot of the Cynics as they dismount their vehicle, covered in mud. Daria and Trent pull their helmets off and Daria removed her glasses and tries to clean then off with a finger. Jane is bouncing around on, ready to go again. For Rachel, this is just another ‘day at the office.’
DARIA (totally disgusted): The last time I was this covered in mud, a horse had thrown me in a creek and I’d had to get stitches.
TRENT: C’mon, Daria. You have to admit that was kind of fun.
Daria gives up on her glasses and puts them back on anyway. They are full of smears.
DARIA: Trent, fun was never meant to be like this. This is torture.
JANE: Hey, Cathy’s got the finishing times. Let’s go.
Trent, Jane, and Daria start to walk past their mud racer, with the scene panning as they go. Rachel is checking out the front wheel on the driver’s side.
EXPERT RACHEL (joining the other three): I want to re-check some of these welds before the next race.
JANE: What’s wrong?
EXPERT RACHEL: All the extra stress on the wheels from the additional weight. This thing was meant to be light and go fast, not carry four people.
DARIA: So the welding could give out?
EXPERT RACHEL: It’s a possibility.
Cut to a wide shot of the staging area next to the Start / Finish line. Cathy and the JYW judges are conversing once again, comparing stopwatches as she takes notes on her beat up pad. After a moment, she walks over to where the teams are waiting.
CATHY: Okay, everyone, I have the official results of the last heat. I have to tell you, this was very close! For the Lawndale Cynics, the initial time was three minutes sixteen seconds with two ten-second penalties for a total time of three minutes and thirty six seconds. Now, for the Lady Low Riders, the initial time was three minutes twelve seconds, also with two penalties. Your total time is three minutes and thirty two seconds for the win!
There is scattered clapping from both teams as the camera angle changes to a medium shot of Cathy.
CATHY (con’t): Now, we’re tied at one each, so the final heat is going to be for all the marbles, and a spot in the Semi Finals.
Cut ot a medium wide shot of the team members. All of the are clapping or shouting ‘Yeah! Let’s go!’ except for Daria, who’s trying to clean her glasses again, and not having any luck.
The scene cuts to a medium shot of the vehicles on the Start / Finish line as the experts and team members are checking over their vehicles for the last heat.
TYLER (v/o): Now, both teams experts have voiced concerns about how their vehicles have been performing with tall of the extra weight. The extended construction of their wheels means that they are not only being subjected to the weight of the vehicle, but also the torque -- or twisting motion -- from driving the vehicles forward.
Cut to a wide shot of the Start / Finish line as both teams climb aboard their vehicles for the final heat. Both vehicles start up right away as the team members strap in. Cathy, as usual, is standing a few yards away, on dry land, with her bullhorn.
CATHY (through bullhorn): All right teams, this is the final heat of the day. Both of you are tied at one win each and the winner of this heat will secure a place in the semi finals. Now, we’ve taken out the slalom markers out of the back straight away, so this is now an all out race for the finish line! Get ready teams, and on the sound of the horn, may the best bog racer win!
Cathy raises her air horn and sounds it for the last time. Both mud racers lurch off the line and into the muddy course ahead.
ROBERT (v/o): And the final race is on! Both drivers look like they’re pushing their vehicles as hard as they can, despite concerns about stressed welding.
Scene cuts to a wide shot of the first turn as both vehicles try and hold their respective ‘lanes’ as they crank into the turn. Mini-cam close-ups of the drivers show that they are trying to turn their vehicles as tightly as they can to get the most out of the turn. We cut back to the wide shot and see that both vehicles have caught parts of the rocks laid out there and are bouncing quickly over them, while at odd angles. Highrider rolls down off the rocks at the end of the turn relatively controlled, while Descent hits the end with a huge splash.
ROBERT (v/o): Both sides are coming on like gang busters! They’ve cleared the first turn’s rocks in under a minute, and those were the only real obstacles that might have slowed them down any. Now it’s an all out race to the finish.
The drivers seem to know this too, as the camera cuts to a shot down the back straight away. Both vehicles are running all out, throwing up huge muddy plumes as they go. Descent and Highrider are practically neck and neck, with Highrider just barely a half a car length in the lead.
TYLER (v/o): It’s the Low Riders on the back stretch, literally by a nose, and neither team shows any sign of giving up at all!
The scene changes to a shot looking up the second turn as the vehicles swerve around the corner with Highrider leading. Suddenly, Highrider’s driver side wheel starts wobbling back and forth violently and one of the arms of that particular A-frame is seen splashing through the mud. The vehicle itself is pulled to the left, and Descent quickly cuts past on the inside as the wheel collapses entirely.
TYLER (v/o and excited): Part of the Low Riders wheel has just come apart at the second turn and the Lawndale Cynics have just powered on by them!
Scene cuts to a close up of the Highrider as peter tries to steer them a little closer to dry land just before the other arm of the A-frame gives way as well. The vehicle lurches to a halt with a definite list towards the forward left.
The shot cuts back to the Cynics as they continue around the turn.
TYLER (v/o): The Cynics have the race in the bag, but Rachel’s not letting up at all! She’s just hammering that car through the water turn, trying to make up for time lost in the second race.
Cut to a long shot of the Start / Finish line and the end of the water turn as Descent pushes it’s way out of the turn and towards Cathy with the checkered flag. All of a sudden, a grayish white cloud of steam from the engine area engulfs the vehicle as they close on the finish line.
TYLER (v/o, and can’t believe what he’s seeing): Oh no! Something just blew out in the Cynics engine! They’re so close to the line that it doesn’t look like Rachel’s going to slow down at all! She’s just going to push it the rest of the way and hang the consequences!
Cut to a side on, medium shot of the Start / Finish line as Cathy’s waving the checkered flag. Descent, billowing steam from the engine and sounding a lot less powerful than it did before, comes rolling partially across the line just before something seizes up for good and the racer jerks to a stop.
TYLER (v/o): The Lawndale Cynics have the win and a spot in the semi finals!
Cut to a shot of Cathy running up to the vehicle as Trent, Jane, and Rachel, un-strap themselves and celebrate. Jane and Rachel exchange a hug, and then high-fives with Trent, who stands up in the back seat. Daria just slumps in her seat, looking exhausted, and is covered in mud, just like the rest of them.
JANE (on cloud nine): Daria, we did it! WE’RE THE WINNERS!
DARIA (exhausted): Didn‘t you once tell me that was another word for losers?
JANE (laughing and reaching out to un-strap Daria’s harness): Come on, Cinderella. You’re mud buggy has arrived at the ball!
Daria just smirks tiredly.
The scene changes to one of the staging area, where both vehicles have been places after being pulled off the track. Cathy, with Robert and the Lawndale Cynics on her right, and Tyler and the Long Beach Lady Low Riders on her left, is addressing both teams. Robert and Tyler have large (non alcoholic) champagne bottles.
CATHY: First of all, everyone, I want to thank you for all of the incredible effort that the eight of you have put in over the last two days. You’ve built two incredible machines and given us a great race today. However, only one team can advance to the quarter finals.
ROBERT (holds up his bottle): The Lawndale Cynics with a time in the last heat of two minutes and fifty four seconds, are the winners of the third heat of the day! And they have advanced to the Junkyard Wars semi finals!
Robert hands his bottle to a grinning Jane, who immediately starts pealing the wrapping off of the top.
TYLER: Now, as you all know, on Junkyard Wars, there are no losers, as we like to say, just those who didn’t win. We have this for the Long Beach Lady Low Riders, as well as out heartfelt thanks for coming on the show and our congratulations for building a great mud racer.
Tyler hands his bottle to Jeanine, who also starts pealing the gold wrapping off of the top. Jane, however has gotten her bottle unwrapped and launches the plastic stopper into the air with a loud POP! Pseudo champagne foam jumps from the bottle, and Jane puts her thumb over the end and starts shaking it, spraying her team mates, Robert, and anyone else in range. Then Jeanine’s stopper pops out, and she returns the favor by also spraying their bubbly around, getting everyone.
All three of the hosts are laughing and trying to stay relatively dry, but to no avail.
CATHY (into camera, and trying to duck spraying champagne): Well, it looks like it’s all’s well that ends well. We’ll see you next time on another addition of Junkyard Wars!
<<Credits and Alter Egos roll -- Closing music “Low Rider,” by War (?) from “Gone in 60 Seconds“>>
Daria dressed as John Steed and Jane as Emma Peel in the classic “Avengers” stance.
The Long Beach Lady Low Riders as the Powerpuff Girls.
Expert Peter in the electric chair with Expert Rachel at the switch
Trent as He-Man, Master of the Universe
Tyler as a hula dancer, twirling torch batons
Robert and Cathy as Flamenco Dancers
Jane as Lara Croft, with her .45s drawn and blasting away
Daria as Wonder Woman
Man, I forgot how hard it is to write in script format! >Whew<
First off, “Junkyard Wars” really does take ten hours. Sometimes the hours maybe 65 or 70 minutes long, but I have no hard evidence of that. The yard is stocked with repairable equipment, if sometimes only barely so. If there’s something that they need that is really exotic, like a miniature solid rocket motor, or has to be machined to very precise tolerances, like an aircraft propeller, then it is hidden somewhere in the yard and has to be found. Other than any of that, the teams are on their own, and have to make do with their own skills. Or lack there of.
Since this is taking so long to get out, I suppose that I ought to make a couple of points a little clearer. “Junkyard Wars” was originally spun off of “Scrapheap Challenge” from British television, with Cathy Rogers and Robert Lewellyn as the original hosts, if I remember correctly. Tyler Harcott wasn’t picked up till the fifth season. Let’s face it, Tyler, Cathy, and Robert are my favorite hosts. Anyway, the idea was to get two teams of relatively mechanically creative and inclined (or not), put them with an expert in a given field, and see what they could build, and compete against each other. Assuming what they built even worked.
Also, if memory serves, “Junkyard Wars: Mega Wars” spilled out of a special challenge where American, British, and Russian teams were to build an all-terrain amphibious vehicle, which turned out pretty good (I believe the Brits won that one). A second super challenge had British, American, and French teams of aircraft designers and builders making first generation airplanes, circa 1890s, with tools from that time period -- no power tools!!!!!!! (The Brits kicked ass in this one!) The current seasons of “Junkyard Mega-Wars,” which pits “all-expert” teams against each other, in my opinion, has gone down hill somewhat. But this is not the place for that.
Back on track, the hardest part of writing this one was keeping to the characters of Daria and company, while following the formatting of “Junkyard Wars” and coming up with something that could possibly work. Hopefully, I’ve done that believably, and will be able to do it again for the next challenge.
I hope you enjoyed this story. Any comments, questions, boxes of hundred dollar bills, etcetera, are welcome and can be sent to Greystar@hotmail.com. As always, there is an open invitation for any fan-art that anyone would like to do. Also, if you have more questions about Junkyard Wars, please check out the TLC website and click on Junkyard Mega-Wars.