Synopsis: Jane tries to talk Daria into signing up for a national television show . . .on The Learning Channel? Next on Sick Sad - uh -MTV - uh - TLC - uh - Well, next!

(Legal Drek: Daria and her cohorts are property of MTV and Viacom. Junkyard Wars is property of TLC.)

Daria in . . . The Signup

By Greystar


Copyright October 2002

ACT I -- Ideas and Applications

Opening shot is the exterior of The Lane House. Daria is walking up the front walk. As she rings the bell, the shot changes to the inside area by the front door. After a moment, Trent walks up and opens the door.

Trent: Hey, Daria.

Daria: Hi, Trent. Is Jane here?

Trent: Yeah, she’s up in her room watching TV. You can head on up if you want.

Daria comes in and walks over to the stairs.

Daria: Okay, thanks. Uh...(Searching for something to say) I didn’t wake you up, did I?

Trent (With a “no problem” wave): Nah, I had to get up early anyway. Mystik Spiral’s got a gig tonight at McGrundy’s. It starts about nine. Why don’t you and Janey come on by?

Daria (sounds slightly more “up”): If I can get away from my parents, yeah, I’d love too. I’m sure Jane would too.

Trent: Cool. (Starts walking toward the basement) We’ll catch you there.

Daria stands at the stairs and watches Trent leave. She looks like she wanted the conversation to go on longer, but she shakes it off and heads up the stairs.

Cut to Jane’s doorway as Daria walks up and knocks. Faint music can be heard through the door. Daria frowns slightly as she tries to place it, but can’t. It sounds like a steel drum that was made out of an old trash can.

(Music: Bam - buda wam wam - Bam - buda bam bam - Wam - buda bam wam bam - WOMP womp womp!)

Daria: What in the world..?

Daria knocks again, rapping harder this time. The music fades as a volume is lowered and Jane can be heard through the door.

Jane (v/o): Who disturbs my creative muse?

Daria: I’m from the funny farm. Your parole has been revoked. Please put on your straight jacket and come with me.

The door opens to reveal Jane Lane, paintbrush behind her ear, paint stained cloth over her shoulder and palate in hand. There are even a couple of smudges of pain on her face. She appears to have been really into what ever she was painting.

Jane: Hey, Daria! Just in time to watch me put the finishing touches on another Jane Lane Original! Check it out!

Daria follows Jane over to her easel. The painting shows a Tyrannosaurus - like creature composed of bits of trash and debris ranging from toaster ovens to totaled cars. The creature is climbing over a heap of scraped machinery and advancing on two groups of four, one in yellow, and the other in purple. Each group mans a makeshift catapult. The yellows are loading an engine block into their weapon, while the purples have just launched an old washing machine at the trash monster.

Daria (looking at the painting): Hmmm. Yes, it seems that your muse was exceptionally disturbed today. What inspired this?

As Daria speaks, Jane walks past and picks up the TV remote. She changes the channels before turning back to Daria and the painting.

Jane (as she takes the brush from behind her ear): Oh, just catching rerun of something that Tom got me interested in on The Learning Channel while we were going out. They’ve got a marathon from last couple of seasons going tonight, and I just sort of got inspired. (Jane reaches out and adds a touch of red to the clusters of headlights that make up the monster’s eyes.)

Daria (putting her backpack down and sitting on the bed): Really. I wouldn’t have pegged Tom for something like that. I always figured him for the financial network and foreign films, when he wasn’t watching Sick Sad World, that is.

Jane (touching up the scrap heaps): Yeah, me too. He said that it was a guilty pleasure kind of thing.

Daria (picking up remote): Speaking of which...

The SSW opening sequence plays, but there is no sound. Instead we hear the pithy voice of a network announcer coming over the airwaves.

Announcer (with a voice that’s smarmy city!): Sick sad world will not be seen tonight, however it will be shown next week at its regularly scheduled time. Tonight it is our pleasure to bring you this special mini-series presentation...

Jane spins away from her painting and glares angrily at the TV while Daria hits the mute again to cover the movie music.

Jane (downright mad): The pre-empt one of the only good things on television for some four hour tearjerker!? (Shakes her fist at the screen, and rants al la Jake) You corporate bastards!

Daria: Steady there, Killer. It’s not the first time that the corporate masters have run rough shod over the wishes of the viewers.

Still angry, Jane turns away from her painting and starts cleaning her brushes on the rag over her shoulder.

Jane: So, now that the corporate gods have smote our night of frivolity, whaddya want to do now? Go out for pizza?

Daria (smirks): Sounds like you already swallowed a dictionary. I’m surprised that you have room for anything else.

Jane (smirks back): Hey, you’re not the only one that can use those big, ten-dollar words, ya know.

Daria (pointing remote at TV): Tell you what, let’s order delivery. While we wait, we can check out this “guilty pleasure” of Tom’s that inspired the Trashy Tyrannosaurs.

Jane (perks): Hey! That’s a great title!

Daria: Them my work here is done.

Daria drops her thumb on a button on the remote as we cut to a shot from over her shoulder. The television screen changes to a close up of a dog (some kind of retriever?) with a pink Mohawk and sunglasses barking at the screen a couple of times before being replaced by two people lifting an apparently hastily assembled sign. There is a blast of sparks and the sign lights up. The two people head off screen on their respective opposite sides, exchanging a high-five as they pass each other. Finally, the line of sight is cleared and the words JUNKYARD WARS are revealed. A commercial starts and Daria mutes the sound.

[Note: If you’ve seen Junkyard Wars, what I’ve written is pretty close to the openings of the first three or four seasons of the show. I wish I could replicate the music, but you’ll just have to use your imagination.]

Daria (skeptical): “Junkyard Wars?” Sounds like a bad post-apocalypse action movie.

Jane (Sitting down and wiping her hands on her rag): Just sit back and watch one or two. You might be surprised.

Daria: If you say so. But you’re ordering the pizza.

Fade transition to Jane’s bedroom, about three hours later. Daria is still on the bed, laying on her stomach and propped up on her elbows, ankles crossed. Jane is sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed, her jacket off and munching on a pizza crust. A large pizza box with only two slices left sits on the bed next to Daria and three or four empty soda cans are visible. The music from earlier (Bam - buda wam wam - Bam) is playing on the television. It seems that Daria is a little more interested in the show than she let on earlier.

Daria: Okay, explain to me how three highly educated officers of the British Navy could possibly think that an air boat with wheels could work after they cut their propeller practically in half?

Jane (Shrugs as she takes another bite of a pizza crust): Ah, they were weapons officers, remember? Not engineers. Their job is to sink ships, not build ‘em. Besides, that monster rig that the bikers made? That was the coolest!

Daria: It was definitely something that a biker would come up with (Glances at Jane and smirks) Or someone who's been breathing paint fumes for too long.

Jane: Hey, just because I’m the creative, artistic type doesn’t mean that I can’t see the logic in --

Daria: A four by four range rover mated with a boat hull split end for end? That’s not logic, that’s lunacy. That thing should have sunk like a rock.

Cut to a close up of Jane’s face as she cocks an eyebrow and smirks as the seeds of an idea are seemingly planted. Daria can’t see Jane’s face form where she’s at. She’d probably be worried if she could.

Jane (slowly): Soooo.... You’re saying that you could come up with something better?

Daria (looking at her watch): I’m saying that there’s better things to do for ten hours than build a one time use contraption out of scrap metal. (Daria gets out of bed and picks up her backpack) I have to get home or I’m not going to have time to finish my homework for DeMartino’s class. (Starts walking out) Besides, it’s all academic anyway.

Jane stands and starts to walk Daria out.

Jane: Why do you say that? That it’s academic, I mean.

Cut to hallway outside Jane’s room. The shot follows Daria and Jane as the go to the stairs.

Daria: Even if I wanted to come up with something better, which I don’t, there’s no in hell way I ‘d be caught dead on a show like that. Besides, we’re too young, don’t you think?

Jane’s smirk from earlier returns as they head down stairs.

Jane: Soooo.....You’re telling me that you could come up with something better, then?

Daria (sighs): I suppose if someone were to hold a gun to my head and threaten me with a Fashion Club makeover. (Turns to Jane as they reach the bottom of the stairs) Why are you so interested in this anyway?

Jane (smirk fades): No real reason. Just trying to delay starting on my own homework, I guess.

Daria: Do you want to come over to my place and work on it together? Trent told me that they’re playing at McGrundy’s around nine tonight. We can go and catch part of the show afterwards.

Jane turns to head for the basement as Daria heads for the door.

Jane: Sure. Give me a little while to get my stuff and get Trent’s keys. He’ll probably head over in the Tank with the rest of the boys.

Daria: Okay. I shouldn’t need too long to break my parents to the idea. Especially if Quinn is up to her old tricks.

Jane: She’s triple booking her dates again?

Daria: You would have thought she would have learned from the last time. (Daria opens the door) Later.

Jane (Opens basement door): Later.

Cut to the basement of the Lane house, looking from the bottom of the stairs up at Jane standing in the doorway. The scene changes to a wider shot of the basement (almost the same as in “Lane Miserable” - but no Amanda or her pottery wheel). The guys are standing around as Trent takes their mixing board off if its stand and flips it over, putting it on a blanket sitting on a work counter. Jane comes down the stairs and into the shot as Trent picks up a screwdriver and begins unscrewing the bottom of the now inverted mixing board.

Jane: Hey Trent, can I...(Sees what Trent is doing) What happened?

Trent: Cooked something in the mixing board.

Jane (Looks skeptical): You know how to fix that thing?

Max (from his place at the drums): Of course he does, man.

Trent shoots Max a dirty look, then goes back to what he’s doing.

Trent: Technically, no I don’t know how to fix it. But I should be able to rig something up that will last for a gig or two - I hope. I’ve done it before. But we really should get this thing rewired one of these days.

Cut to a close up of Jane, her cocked eyebrow / smirk returning full force. One can almost hear the wheels turning in her head.

Jane (slowly) Soooo....You work on the Tank when it breaks down too, right?

Shot returns to the previous angle.

Trent (Not really paying attention as he removes the last screw from the back of the board): Yeah, once in a while. Why?

Jane: Oh, no reason. Say, can I borrow your car tonight? I’m gonna go over to Daria’s in a little while after I grab some stuff. Then we’ll meet you over at McGrundy’s for your gig later, okay?

Trent finally looks up, pulls his keys from his pocket and tosses them to Jane.

Jane: Thanks, Trent. (Turns to go)

Trent (goes back to work on the board): You might want to put some gas in it before you head for the gig.

Jane’s smile / smirk doesn’t fade as she turns around. She tosses the keys into the air and catches them, an idea now firmly taking shape in her mind.

Cut to an establishing long shot of Lawndale High, then cut to an interior shot of O’Neil’s classroom. Daria and Jane are in their usual places, as well as the usual students for that class. The black board is dominated with the title “FRANKENSTEIN,” with various references and arrows scattered around it.

O’Neil: Now, class, even though Mary Shelly’s ‘Frankenstein’ was written to be a commentary on the ongoing industrial revolution, couldn’t it also be said that Doctor Frankenstein was looking at his creation as a source of companionship?

Brittany raises her hand.

O’Neil: Yes, Brittany?

Brittany (twirling her pigtail): Um...Like, why didn’t he just go out try to get a date, or something?

Daria (deadpan): Why would he do that? They burned down his castle.

Jane: Yeah, and after he built them that great power center for their basketball team too.

Brittany (looking blank): Ooohhh...Okay!

Cut to Daria and Jane sharing a smirk, then to O’Neil, shaking his head and sighing. He is about to launch into an explanation when, thankfully, the bell rings. The class gets up and heads for the door.

O’Neil (as everyone leaves): Remember, class, your papers on how ‘Frankenstein’ could be rewritten in the modern world are due on Monday! I’m looking forward to reading all of your wonderful ideas and opinions!

Shot changes to the hallway outside the classroom as the various students file out. Daria and Jane are about the fifth and sixth out of the room. The scene pans along with them as the walk down the hall.

Jane: So, what do you think ‘Frankenstein’ would be like in the twenty-first century?

Daria: He’d probably be a hodgepodge of body parts and stuff found in a junkyard.

Jane perks up at the word ‘junkyard.’

Jane: Hey, that reminds me - I need to stop at the computer lab while it’s still open.

Daria (curious): What do you need there?

Jane: I need to get on the Internet and print some stuff out before we hit the lunchroom.

Daria: Downloading plans for that twenty-first century Frankenstein?

Jane: Not quite...

Daria stops at her locker and opens it while Jane takes a few more steps and opens her own locker. The girls put their backpacks in their lockers and continue on towards the computer lab.

Daria: This wouldn’t have anything to do with that show we were watching last night, would it?

Jane: Well, kind of. I wanted to, uh, get some pictures of the stuff that was on last night. Some of them gave me a couple of ideas for a sculpture, and I wanted to check them out again.

Daria: Oh, all right. Sure.

Jane: Save me a seat at our usual table, okay?

Daria (as Jane jogs off ahead): Um...sure. See you at lunch.

Cut to the computer lab door, seen from the inside. The text on the door is printed backwards. Jane walks up from one side and looks inside. View pulls back to reveal the rest of the classroom. All of the computers, almost two dozen, have either one or two students working at them.

Jane (looks disappointed): Well, so much for that idea. Dammit!

At that point, Jodie walks into the view framed by the lab door’s window from Jane’s left.

Jodie: Hey, Jane. What’s up?

Jane: Hey, Jodie.

Shot cuts to an angle from Jodie’s left. Jane leans on the computer lab’s doorframe.

Jane (continues): I needed to get in there and print some applications out, but with that mob in there, I’m never going to get online long enough to do it!

Jodie: Yeah, Computer Sciences has a term paper coming due. Time on the computers has been booked for weeks. You’d never be able to get in.

Jane (dejected): No kidding.

Flashback to Jane’s room from earlier. She is alone and working on the Trashy Tyrannosaurs (she only has one paint smear on her face) while the television goes in the background. The Junkyard Wars logo comes up for a moment before being replaced by a lady with short blonde hair and a balding gentleman with a slight beard. She is wearing a silver jacket over black, and he is wearing a gray/silver suit with the jacket and tie loose. When they speak, both have British accents.

Blonde lady: A new season of Junkyard Wars is coming!

Balding Gentleman: And we need a new crop of Junkyard Warriors to take up the challenge!

Blonde lady: I’m Cathy Rogers...

Balding Gentleman: And I’m Robert Llewellyn...

Cathy: In three weeks, we’ll be coming to Cranberry Commons in downtown Lawndale, on the hunt for our next season’s stars. So get your applications form the TLC website filled out and your audition videos finished!

Robert: Then, bring them and your teammates down to Cranberry Commons in Lawndale and get them in. And you might just be the lucky team to win the ever coveted . . . . (with almost religious reverence) Junkyard Wars Trophy!

Cathy and Robert step aside with a “Price is Right” kind of arm wave at the scrap metal trophy that they had been standing in front of. Cuts to close up of Cathy

Cathy: Remember, you’ve got just three weeks from when the ball reaches the bottom of the Junkyard Time Machine...

Shot changes to Robert pulling on a lever, then to a small cannon ball that has began to bounce through a series of spiral troughs and pipes.

Robert: Wait for it....

The ball reaches the bottom, bounces once, and goes right through the center of a heavy, metal funnel.

Cathy and Robert: Go!

The Junkyard Wars logo comes up again, with text underneath it that says “CRANBERRY COMMONS IN THREE WEEKS”

Cut to close up of Jane.

Jane (smile/smirk): Hmmmmmm...

End Flashback and cut back to the corridor outside the computer lab with Jodie and Jane.

Jane (looks into the lab and then down at her boots): Dammit!

Jodie looks at Jane, and gets a sympathetic smile on her face.

Jodie: C’mon, Jane. (She opens the computer lab door) You can use mine.

Jane (brightens considerably as she looks up): You signed up for computer time! I should have known!

Jodie (smiles as she walks in): Yep.

Jane (follows, also smiling): Jodie, have I ever told you how great you are?

<<Fade to commercial bumper - split screen - Daria and Jane polishing off the pizza - Jane tossing the car keys in the air. Bumper music - the Junkyard Wars opening music, of course!>>

ACT II -- Gathering of Forces

Scene opens with a wide shot of the Morgendorffer house, then cuts to the interior of Daria’s room. Daria is sitting Indian style at the head of the bed, reading from a stack of three or four papers lying on the bed. Jane is sitting on the foot of the bed and leaning against the padded wall next to the window.

Daria: So this is what you were after?

Jane: Yep.

Daria (deadpan): Guidelines and application forms for Junkyard Wars.

Jane: Yep.

Daria: Pitting you and two of your closest friends in competition against the clock and the opposition, in order to fulfill the challenge put before them for a trophy made of scrap iron.

Jane (pumps her fist): Exactly! And you, mi amiga, as my absolute closest friend, are going to apply with me!

Daria (deadpan): No.

Jane immediately leans forward and switches to that ‘friendly whine’ she used on Daria to get her help in “Arts ‘n Crass.”

Jane (whine): C’mmoooooonnnnnnnn, Daria! You’re one of the smartest people that I know! You’re a hundred times better at all the science and math than I am! And I can figure out how to handle the torches and welders on there - I’ve used them to make enough sculptures!

Daria (leans back against the headboard): So’s Jodie. Why didn’t you ask her to join up?

Jane (leaning back): I did, actually. She was leaning over my shoulder while the stuff was printing out. She told me than her parents would never let her get away with it unless it counted as an extracurricular. (Jane rubs the back of her neck with her right hand) Neither one of us thought that they’d buy it if we told them it could be applied to metal shop.

Daria (knowingly): And I suppose that she immediately pointed out the fact that, while I not only was your ‘best friend,’ I am just as proficient as she is in math and science. Of course, on the outside chance we were to get picked, it would be a bigger extracurricular feather in my cap than in hers.

Jane (pumps her fist): Exactly! (Gets a serious ‘oops’ look) Whoops . . . Aw, hell.

Daria (restack the papers as she talks): Ah ha! So this is actually a plot to drag me into extracurricular school activities. I knew there was something insidious about this whole thing. (Hands the papers back to Jane) Besides, I seem to recall your mentioning this subject in passing before. I also recall that my response was ‘no way.’ Why didn’t you go and ask Tom?

Jane: Actually, it was ‘no way in hell,’ and I already asked Tom.

Daria: I’m starting to feel insulted, here. So, what did he say? He should have gone for it in a second.

Jane (looks away sheepishly and mumbles): Actually, uh...he, um...sort of alreadyputateamtogetherandapplied..

Daria (didn’t catch it all): I’m sorry?

Jane (louder and more emotional): I said he’s already put a team together and applied!!

By this point, Jane looks rather distressed, and is rolling the paperwork up in her hands. She keeps rolling it tighter as the conversation goes on.

Daria (concerned): Whoa, Jane, calm down. Tell me what happened . . .from the beginning.

Jane: Okay . . . After I got home and dropped my stuff off, I grabbed Trent’s car and went over to Tom’s . . .

Flashback to a long shot of the Slone residence. Cut to a shot of Jane and Tom sitting on the living room sofa. Jane has her application forms in her hand. Sitting on the sofa between them is a manila folder.

Jane (voice over from present) . . . And I had told him about the tryout thing going on at Cranberry Commons, as well as when it had to be in.

Jane: So, what do you think?

Tom: Well, I think that it’s a great idea, but, um there’s one problem . . .

Jane: Yeah, getting a third person. I figure that we could gang up on Daria. From the way she got interested in the two or three that we watched together, she’d be pretty good at the planning and assembly, although scrounging through a scrap yard really isn’t her thing.

Tom (slight smile): Probably. I think you’d have to do some pretty fast talking to get her to sign on, though. But that’s not the problem that I was talking about.

Jane: You mean the video where we have to do introductions and describe how something works? That should be easy enough if --

Tom (makes a stop motion with one hand): No, Jane, that’s not exactly what I meant. I mean I already know about the Junkyard Wars people coming to Lawndale.

Jane (surprised, sits up straighter): You do? How? I only found out about it yesterday.

Tom: I read something about it on one of their bulletin boards, and followed it up through their website. I’ve known about it for about a month.

Jane (really surprised): A month!?

Tom (taken aback): Uh, yeah.

Jane: So, if you’ve known about this for a month, how come you haven’t . . . (blinks, wide eyed as the light dawns) You’ve already applied.

Tom (looks down at the folder between them): Well, technically not yet. But we’ve got a team. Myself and a couple of friends from Fielding.

Shot changes to one of the folder that is lying on the sofa. Several stapled pages are visible around three of the sides. The letters J.Y.W. are on the folder’s tab. The shot changes again to one of Jane from over Tom’s right shoulder, as Jane picks up the folder and opens it. She flips past the first set of pages - Tom’s application - and proceeds to the next one.

Tom: Look, Jane, if I had known a month ago that you would have been interested, I would have come to you, too. But you never --

Jane (looking form Tom to the application and back): Jim? You mean you got Jim the conspiracy nut signed up?

Tom: Well, he’s gotten straight A’s in Physical Sciences and in Auto Shop for the past two years.

Jane (frowns as she reads): Yuh-huh . . . right. Probably doesn’t know a torch from a flashlight.

Jane reads on, then goes on to the next application. This time she frowns hard at the paper, not really believing what she is reading, them fixes Tom with a death glare.

Jane (angry / shocked): You got Chris to sign on!? Little Miss Suck-my-you-know-what and claims to bowl a 225 - that Chris?

Tom (smirks): Yes, that Chris.

Jane: What does she bring to your team, a warm fuzzy attitude?

Tom (patiently): No, her father builds and installs custom stereo systems for a living, and she gets dragged into helping out from time to time. We figured that she knows more about the smaller electronics than we do.

Jane closes the folder and throws it back down on the sofa between them, looking downcast. Tom decides to try and end the conversation on an upbeat note.

Tom: Hey, I have an idea! Why don’t you help us make our video? We could always use that artistic eye of yours to give us a leg up on the other guys!

Jane stands up, her fists clenched at her sides and glares down at Tom. Her own application papers crunch in her grip.

Jane (v/o from present): That was when I, uh, kind of let my temper get the best of me.

Jane (pissed): A ‘leg up,’ huh? It never even occurred to you that I might want to sign up for this after you got me interested in it! Then, after knowing about it for a month, you’ve got the gall to ask for my help after the fact?! The only ‘leg up’ you’re going to get from me, you thoughtless delinquent, is the one that drives my boot into your ass!

Jane spins on her heel and storms out as Tom sits there, looking totally blown away by Jane’s outburst.

End Flashback and return to Daria and Jane in Daria’s room. Daria is in the same position, but Jane has pulled her feet up on the bed and has her forearms on her knees, slowly twisting the roll of papers in her hands. Daria looks a little taken aback by Jane’s story.

Daria: Wow. You really let him have it with both barrels, didn’t you.

Jane (quiet): Yeah, I guess I did. (glances at Daria) I suppose I should apologize to your boyfriend, huh?

Daria looks a little uncomfortable at the term ‘boyfriend,’ but let’s it slide.

Daria: I wouldn’t . . . for a couple days, anyway. (She cocks an eyebrow / lid at Jane and looks at her a little more closely) This really means a lot to you, doesn’t it?

Jane sits up and turns toward Daria, crossing her legs as she does so. As she does, the shot changes to one from off to Daria’s right, keeping her in the frame. As Jane talks, she starts gesturing with her hands, doing a lot of pointing and gesturing with the roll of application papers.

Jane (shot slowly closes in as she speaks): Yeah, it does. But it’s not just that, anymore. I mean, Tom would never even have told me about this, even when we were going out. He just would have said that he was going out of town for a couple of weeks with his family, or something like that. But that’s not the point . . . I mean I had to find out about this as I was going to him to ask him to be a part of my team, only to find out that he never even thought to ask me, or you, for that matter, to be on his. And then, almost as an afterthought, he asks for my help to make their video! . . . Daria, this isn’t just a matter of getting my feelings hurt. Hell, you know me, I’ll get over that. . . It’s almost like he doesn’t think that I can do it, and I have to prove that I can, before I let him convince me otherwise. (zoom stops with a head-and-shoulders close up of Jane) Daria, will you sign on with me to do this? Please?

Shot changes to side shot of Daria and Jane, Jane leaning forward expectantly.

Daria (shakes her head) You always know just what button’s to push, don’t you? (Smirks and sighs) All right, Jane. I’ll sign up.

Jane (Grabs Daria’s hands in hers): YES! Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!

Daria puts up with this for about two seconds before pulling her hands back.

Daria: Aah! That’s it! No more painting for you until the effects of the fumes ware off! (Stands up and starts to head off screen, toward the computer by the door) Come on; let’s print out some more application forms. Those look like they’ve been through the ringer.

Jane (stands up and turns to follow Daria): Daria, have I ever told you how great you are?

Cut to a shot of the stairs near the door, about ten to fifteen minutes later. Jane and Daria are coming down the stairs and Jane is carrying a fresh stack of papers. She looks a lot better than she did a little while ago.

Jane: Thanks a lot, Daria. You really don’t know how much this means to me. You really, really don’t.

Daria: That’s all right, Jane. And don’t worry about Tom, I’ll talk with him later. I suspect that he’d be calling you in a day or two anyway.

Jane (waves dismissively): Ehh, I’m not too worried about it. He’s done this kind of thing before, and I’m pretty sure this won’t be the last time. I’ll deal, I guess.

Daria (cocks and eyebrow / lid): Mmm.

Helen picks that moment to come on screen from the direction of the kitchen. She’s wearing her usual casual outfit.

Jane (continues): Anyway, assuming that Trent is still coherent when I get home, I’ll tell him about the applications. Come on over tomorrow afternoon, and we’ll get these things filled out and make plans for the video.

Helen: There you girls are. I was just about to come up stairs and get you. Dinner’s been ready for twenty minutes. Jane, would you like to stay for dinner?

Daria: Twenty minutes? Guess we were a little intense up there.

Jane: (To Daria) Yeah, I guess so. (to Helen) Thanks for the invite, Mrs. Morgendorffer, but I have to get home and wake up my brother. The last time Trent slept twenty-four hours straight, it took him a week to get back on track.

As the conversation continues, Daria walks Jane to the door and opens it for her.

Helen: Oh my. I would have thought that Amanda would have done something about his sleeping all the time. Isn’t she back from her last trip yet?

Jane (shrugs): Well, you know how our family works. As far as her last trip goes, it blended into her next one. Last I heard, she was up in Northern Canada. Something about hand carved Eskimo fetishes or something like that. (Heads out the door) Until tomorrow, mi amiga, adios. See ya, Mrs. M.

Daria: Bye Jane.

Helen: Good-bye, Jane.

Daria closes the door and then she and Helen turn and head for the kitchen.

Helen (curious): Daria, what was all that about applications and a video?

Cut to the usual shot of the kitchen from behind Daria’s place at the table. Jake and Quinn are already dishing up. Amazingly enough, it’s not lasagna this time. Several white Chinese food boxes and Styrofoam containers are on the table. Daria and Helen head as around to their spots and sit as the conversation continues.

Daria: Nothing that you need to worry about, mom.

Helen (mother mode): Really, Daria --

Jake (fumbling with a pair of chopsticks): There you are, kiddo! Thought you were going to miss out on the feast courtesy of Jimmy Chang’s Chinese Eatery!

Helen: Jake, are you really sure about this? I mean what will all that MSG do to your heart?

Jake: I told you before, Helen, they don’t use MSG any more. It’s fine. (Drops his chopsticks on the floor) Dammit! Where’s my fork?

Quinn (examining the food on her plate): Actually, the sweet and sour chicken is pretty good. I’ll have to get Mathew to take me there on our date tomorrow, if I don’t cancel and go with Richard instead to Chez Pierre.

Daria (picks up a box): Decisions, decisions. (Looks inside) What is this?

Jake (getting a fork full of chow mien of some kind, looks over): Um, spicy Mongolian pork, I think. (Goes back to his dinner) So, what were you and ol’ Jane-o talking about up there? We thought we were going to have to call out the hounds on ya’.

Daria (deadpan while she is dishing up): Jane and I were using sewing needles and India ink to tattoo each other’s names on our butts.

Helen immediately puts her right hand to her forehead and covers her eyes, then leans her right elbow on the table, shaking her head. Her body language says that she should have seen something like this coming a hundred miles away. Quinn gets wide eyed and her jaw drops in disgust. Jakes eyes practically bug out of his skull as he almost inhales his food, as well as his tonsils and tongue.

Jake: Glurfk??!!?? (Chokes on his food, then violently spits it on his plate) Ptooi!! WHAT!!??!!

Quinn (repulsed): EEeewwwww!!! God, Daria, that’s just sick, even for you!

Jake (in full Jake Panic mode): Helen!! Did you hear that?? Sewing needle tattoos!!!! On her --

Helen (looks up): Oh, for crying out loud, Jake, it was a joke!! Now, calm the hell down and pass the chow mien.

Shot changes angle so that it’s from Quinn’s side of the table. Helen grabs the chow mien herself.

Jake (still not really convinced): But Helen! She said --

Daria: Relax, dad. I was just kidding. (Stands up and partially turns her back to Jake, and reaches for the hem of her skirt) Unless you’d care to see for yourself...?

Jake holds his hands up in front of his face, as if to ward off a blow.

Jake (shakes his head): No no no! That’s all right, I believe you!

Cut to tighter shot of Helen and Quinn. Quinn is leaning on her chin on her left hand with an “Oh please!” look on her face and Helen looks like she doesn’t know weather to laugh or scream.

Helen (shakes her head): Oh good lord, Daria. Will you please sit down?

Quinn (quietly to Helen): Now do you have an idea why I said she was my cousin for nearly two years?

Helen doesn’t respond, but glances at Quinn with a look on her face that says “Well....”

Helen (deep breath): Seriously, Daria, what were you two talking about up there? And what was this about a video?

Shot changes back to Quinn’s p.o.v. Daria glances at Helen as she sits back down. Short of pulling up her shirt and flashing her mother, there’s no way out, and Daria knows it.

Daria (sighs): Jane and I were discussing filling out applications and making a tryout video for a television program called ‘Junkyard Wars.’ They’re holding an open signup at the mall at the end of the month. (Takes a bite of dinner)

Shot switches to a p.o.v. from Daria’s side of the table.

Quinn: Wow, a video! The Fashion club could get together and make one of us doing a junky yard makeover! We could use the Thompson’s yard, they need it!

Daria (swallows): I hate to disappoint you, sis, but that’s not quite the way it works.

Helen: How does it work, dear? (Takes a bite)

Shot changes back to Quinn’s pov, and slowly zooms in on Daria as she talks.

Daria: The idea is that you’re given a challenge to build something -- a catapult, a boat, whatever -- and a so-called expert is assigned to your team. The expert is the only one that knows what you’re building, and you don’t find out until the morning that they start shooting. Then you have ten hours to root through a scrap yard and find or fabricate the components you need out of what’s there. Beyond that, it’s sink or swim. Surprisingly enough, so far every team has finished building their machine within the ten-hour time limit. (Takes a bite)

Change to Helen’s p.o.v. of Jake, Quinn, and Daria.

Quinn (disgusted): You mean they make you go digging around in a . . . a . . . dump?!


Daria: Mm-hmm. (swallows) I’m not to worried, though.

Jake (with his mouth full): How come, kiddo?

Daria: A couple thousand teams apply to this thing every season. There’s no way that they’re going to pick a team from high school when they’ve got thousands of people who know what they’re doing to choose from.

Cut to a medium shot of Helen and Daria.

Helen: Oh, I don’t know, Daria. You know what they say . . .”Be careful what you wish for.”

Daria (smirks): Hmmm... I wish Quinn --

Helen (warning): Daria . . .

Daria (faux innocence) What?

<< Fade to commercial bumper - split screen - Jane standing and chewing out Tom - Daria turning her back slightly to Jake and reaching for her hem. Bumper Music - Wildest Dreams chorus by Moody Blues (An oldie, but a goody!)>>

ACT III -- Decisions and Dedication

Opening shot is wide shot of the Slone manor later that night, then cuts to the living room where the phone is ringing. Tom walks in from off screen and picks up the phone, sitting down on the sofa as he does so.

Tom: Hello, Slone residence.

Daria (filtered through phone): May I speak to the thoughtless delinquent of the household, please?

Tom (smirks): Sorry, but my sister has stepped out for the evening. However, could I interest you in an intimate conversation with the devastatingly handsome first-born son of the manor?

Shot shifts to a diagonal split-screen. In the other half of the screen, Daria is in her room, using a cordless handset.

Daria (deadpan): Sure, but since he isn’t around, I’ll just have to talk to you for a while.

Tom: Ouch! I’m going to have to get my ear checked for frostbite after this one. I’d make a guess as to what’s going on, but I think I already have a pretty good idea: this has to do with Jane, right?

Daria: Yes it does. She told me everything about how you didn’t ask her to be on your team for the tryout at the mall.

Tom (has an “oh, boy, this is gonna be messy” look): Oh...I see. Look, Daria, I really didn’t think that she’d be interested. If I had had even the vaguest hint that she was, I would have asked.

Daria: I know that, and so does Jane, once she thinks about it for a while. Which brings me to something else, why didn’t you think to ask me about it?

Close up on Tom as he winces hard, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.

Tom: (v/o) I’d give my trust funds for an earthquake right about now. (Spoken) As bad as this is going to sound, I didn’t think that you would be interested either. I know how you feel about social situations, and I didn’t figure that taking a one in a million shot at national television would have been your thing.

Close up of Daria as she sits back on her padded wall.

Daria: So you thought of asking me, but didn’t think to ask my best friend and your former girlfriend. (Smirks) Hmmm, what do I think about this, now?

Back to split screen.

Tom (sits back again): Um, well, uhh, that is to say I...uh...Aw, crap.

Daria (still smirking): Give it up, Prep School Boy. You can’t win. Resistance is futile.

Tom (shoulders slump): All right, all right, uncle! (Sigh) You may come and assimilate me now.

Daria: You wish.

Tom: So, what can I do to get back into your good graces?

Daria: Actually, I’ve been thinking about that. According to the television listings that I have been reading, this Junkyard Wars marathon has been on for the last two nights, and will keep going for the next two. Tell me, did you happen to have your VCR running for the last two nights?

Tom sees where this just might be gong, but doesn’t want to make any assumptions.

Tom: Yeah, why do you ask?

Daria: Well, in order to make it up to me, you can make me copies of your marathon tapes from the last two nights. The next two are no problem, now that I know what channel to record.

Tom: So you can study what the other teams did and didn’t do. Sort of keeping your friends close and your enemies closer?

Daria: Not really. Quite honestly, I don’t think that there is much chance that either of our teams would make it past the screenings, but I want there to be at least the appearance of equal footing between our two teams.

Tom (relaxes some): True, but still, it will be fun to try and take a shot at it, and . . . Wait a minute -- “our two teams?”

Daria (smirks again): Ah, his perceptions are improving. Yes, I said our two teams.

Tom: You and Jane are putting together a team to go and try out. That’s fantastic! Who’s your third person going to be?

Daria: Well, fair is fair, since you’re copying those tapes for us. We’re going to get Trent signed up tomorrow, then start on the planning the video.

Tom (smirks): Now, wait a minute, I never said that I would actually make those copies, now did I?

Daria (sighs and smirks): Your dresser. Second drawer on the left side under the red t-shirt.

Tom (sits upright and pales): You wouldn’t.

Close up on Daria as she gets an evil little smile.

Scene changes to an outside shot of the Lane house, sometime around midday the next day.

Jane (v/o): You weren’t really going to tell his mom about that stash of magazines, were you?

Shot changes to Jane’s bedroom. Daria is sitting on the bed, going over the Junkyard Wars applications, while Jane paints beside her. Jane is painting what appear to be the rear ends of two women in skimpy bottoms, standing “cheek to cheek.” The cheeks that are touching have “Daria” and “Jane” tattooed on them in stylized writing. Each of the outside cheeks has “Tom” tattooed on them, in the same style.

Daria (still reading, shakes her head): No, I’m not that malicious.

Jane (smiles): Ha! Since when?

Daria: It’s just my way of getting a little revenge for pissing off my best friend the way he did. (Takes a good look at the painting) Jane, if that painting ever sees the light of day --

Jane: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I die a horrible, gruesome, bloody, violent death with the pieces never to be found again, etcetera, etcetera. Heard it all before, amiga.

Daria stands up and walks over to Jane’s side. The shot changes p.o.v. to just off of the side of the canvas. We can’t see what Jane’s doing, but we can see the girls clearly enough.

Daria: I’m serious this time. I thought dad was going to have a full-blown coronary. (Smirks) Then I thought he was going to have a stroke when I offered to let him inspect my fanny.

Jane takes a step back and starts laughing as she puts her palate down and quickly cleans her brushes.

Jane: I would have loved to have been there to see their faces when you dropped that line on them! That must have been priceless!

Daria: Yeah, it was pretty good all right. (Looks at the painting again, and points to part) One thing, that’s not my brand of underwear.

Jane (points to the other side) I know. It’s Trent’s.

Daria: Okay, now I will have to kill you with your own paint rag.

Jane ducks by Daria as Daria feints reaching for Jane’s neck. Jane picks up the application papers from off of her bed and starts to head out of the room.

Jane: Come on, Daria. Let’s go and wake Trent up and get some coffee into him. He agreed to sign up last night, but I think that he was more asleep than awake when he did it.

Daria (following Jane): So he didn’t actually agree to sign, then?

Shot switch to the two girls walking down the hall, panning with them as they go.

Jane: Oh, he agreed, sort of. He just needs to be reminded that he agreed, is all. (Glances at Daria with a small smile) Besides, how is he going to refuse you?

Daria shoots Jane a death glare as the two come up to Trent’s door.

Daria: I’m going to have to come up with one hell of a revenge scheme before you’re done, aren’t I?

Shot changes to one of Trent’s room, where we are looking at the door from the opposite side of the room. The girls are standing in the doorway. Trent is in bed, lying on his back with the blanked covering his midsection. He has no shirt on, and only one sock, from the look of things.

Jane: Speaking of which, we still owe this lump for dropping the ball on that multi-media project.

Jane walks in, with Daria in tow. Both step gingerly to avoid the mess on the floor.

Daria (whispers): Is he, um...decent under there?

Jane (smirks evilly as she walks up to Trent’s bedside): Don’t know, why don’t you check and see?

Daria (totally embarrassed): Jane!

Jane lifts the blanked for a quick second and peeks underneath.

Jane: Yeah, he remembered his boxers. Nothing to be worried about.

Daria walks up to Jane’s side and pulls her back a pace.

Daria: Good. Here’s for the multi-media project. (Kneels down by Trent’s head)

Jane (with a “what the hell?” look): Oooo-kay, just what are you planning?

Daria doesn’t answer, but leans in very, very close to Trent’s ear. Shot changes to a REALLY extreme close-up of Daria’s lips and Trent’s ear.

Daria (sultry, seductive whisper): Trent.... Treeentttt.....(her lips are moving, and we can hear whispering, but it is unintelligible)

Shot changes to moderate close up of Jane. Daria can be heard whispering, but we still can’t make out what she’s saying. Jane is wide eyed, and has her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing. She is also blushing somewhat. Close up on Trent’s face as a familiar smile slowly spreads across his face (a la “Pierce Me”).

Daria (whispers for a moment or two more, than takes a long, slow inhale, then...): OH MY GOD ITS MY PARENTS!! WHERE’S YOUR CLOTHES?! HURRY YOU GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!!

Trent: YAAAHHH!!!

Needless to say, Trent is up and moving with a speed that is panic driven, to say the least, and Jane immediately bursts into laughter at the spectacle. Trent, wild eyed and in his own reality, trips once over the blankets as they wrap around his legs, and then again as he scrambles across the floor, grabbing clothes and heading for the door as fast as his legs will carry him.

Daria turns to look at Jane as she falls against the wall with a thud and slides down onto the floor, her eyes wide and holding her ribs with both hands, tears streaming down her face. She’s laughing so hard she can’t even talk. She looks back to see Trent hit the doorway, a mass of cloths under one arm. He rapidly looks right and left, then tears off to his right...


Trent: (o/s) WHOOFF!!

...and runs smack into the wall.

Jane is in hysterics, looking like she is about to hyperventilate. Daria, meanwhile, is sitting there with a satisfied smirk on her face.

Jane (gasping for air): Ho gawd . . .ho gawd . . . (struggled laughter)

Trent slowly walks back into the doorway, the hodgepodge of clothes he picked up held in front of him. Shot changes p.o.v. to over Trent’s right shoulder, showing Daria, leaning on her elbows on Trent’s bed, and Jane on the floor, holding her ribs with one arm and wiping her eyes with the other hand.

Trent (deadpan): Daria . . .

Daria (deadpan, almost): Trent?

Jane (panting): Ho man . . . ho gawd . . .

Trent: That . . . was cold.

Daria: Trent . . . that was payback for screwing up our multi-media project.

Trent (shakes his head): I’m going to go take a shower. (Walks out of view)

Daria looks at Jane, who has finally got her laughter under control, but doesn’t have the energy to get up just yet.

Daria (shrugs and uses a matter of fact tone): Okay, so I am that malicious.

Jane (starts chuckling again): Remind me never to really get on your bad side.

Cut to the Lane kitchen. Daria and Jane are sitting at the table while Trent pours himself a cup of coffee from the coffee maker on the counter. Jane (at the head of the table) and Daria (on her left) are looking over the applications. Trent’s copy lays on the table on Jane’s right, nest to a container of pencils and pens.

Trent (putting coffeepot back): I can’t believe you did that, Daria.

Daria just shrugs.

Jane (chuckles): Hey, I didn’t think she had it in her either, but I have to admit it was beautiful!

Trent (sitting down and shaking his head): Depends on which side of it you were on. (chuckle / cough) Now, what exactly was it I was supposed to have agreed to again? (Looks at the papers)

Shot changes to a medium shot of the three of them at the table.

Jane: Okay, here’s the deal: Trent, you’ll cover the mechanical and electrical ends of things, besides being one of the scroungers. Daria, you drew the math card, since you’re better than Trent and me together at that, as well as being our other scrounger.

Trent: Whoa, Janey, I’m not a mechanic, I’m a musician. Just because I can keep an amp or the mixing board working through another gig doesn’t mean that I know what I’m doing. Hell, I don’t even know how to change the oil on my car.

Daria: Yeah. Look, Jane, I know how much this means to you, but don’t you think this is just a little over our heads? Some of the things that they build on there, you have to know by just looking if it’s going to hold together. That sort of thing is a little far removed from high school advanced math and science.

Trent (glances at Daria, then looks at Jane): Uh . . . yeah. Just exactly what are you going to be doing? (Drinks from his cup)

Cut to close up of Jane.

Jane (straightens in her chair haughtily): I, my dear brother, am going to be your inspirational and benevolent Team Captain (slouches again). I’m also going to be doing a lot of the welding and torch work, unless whatever expert we draw is better at it. Unless someone has a better idea?

Back to medium shot.

Trent (drinks): I don’t know, Janey. I’m not too sure about this. I mean, if this was for the band, that would be one thing but . . .

Jane leans forward and looks at Trent intently. Shot cuts to a close up of Jane and Trent.

Jane (serious): Look, Trent, if we do well enough on the applications to get on, you’ll be in the perfect place to promote the band - national television. We hang a big Mystik Spiral banner in the work area where everyone will see it. Then there’s the video guys, the sound guys, hell - even producers.

Cut to close up of Trent.

Trent (drinks, then puts cup down): I don’t know, Janey. Two weeks is a long time. We could play a lot of gigs in two weeks. And the practice sessions we’d miss...

Daria (off screen): There’s one other problem.

Trent (Looks over): What’s that?

Cut to close up of Daria.

Daria (reading a page): According to this, the final decisions on the teams will be made about a week after the tryouts at Cranberry Commons, and the teams will be notified within the week after that. (Looks up) Trent, it’s going to be more like six weeks, most of it spent cramming for this, on the off chance that we get on.

Close up of Jane, eyebrows knit and looking very determined.

Jane: Well, then, we’re just going to have to get on, aren’t we? We’re going to have to blow ‘em away with our applications, and then totally pulverize the rest of ‘em with our video! Then we’ll be on our way to bringing home the gold - (winces) er, scrap iron!

Shot cuts back to a medium of the three of them, as Jane leans forward and grabs a pencil out of the container on the table. She starts on her application with a fervor.

Jane (without looking up): Well, don’t just sit there, you two. Start writing!

Daria and Jane exchange some very skeptical looks before they slowly reach for the pencil jar. Still looking unsure, they slowly begin to fill out their forms. Jane, however, looks like she can’t get it filled out fast enough.

<<Fade to commercial bumper - split screen - Tom, on the phone, sitting upright and turning white - Trent tearing out of the room with his clothes under his arm. Background music - chorus of “Bitch” by Meridith Brooks.>>

ACT IV -- Be careful what you wish for

White text on black background: three weeks later. A metalized version of the Junkyard Wars theme song (played by Splendora, of course!) starts in the background.

Opening shot fades in to reveal a wide shot of Cranberry Commons (the Lawndale Mall). A large banner with “JUNKYARD WARS SIGN UP TODAY ONLY” is hanging over the main entrance.

Shot cuts to the inside of the mall’s central area, where several tables are set up under a Junkyard Wars logo and a sign that reads “SIGN UP HERE.” Cathy Rogers and another woman are at the table, holding a conversation with the team there. A little further back in line are Rock ‘n Roll Randy (from“Malled” and “The Big House“), Bing, and the Spatula Man (from “Jake of Hearts“). Camera pans over a couple more teams (all adults) before coming to the end of the line.

Daria, Jane, and Trent come on screen and take their place at the end of the line> Daria and Jane look tired, but Trent looks to be asleep on his feet - literally! All three carry large cups of coffee from Starbucks (or the local knockoff). Jane has their video tape and application folder.

Daria: I thought you said that we were going to get here early?

Jane (yawns): This is early. (Takes a drink)

Daria: Ten forty am? (Takes a drink) Well, I suppose it has been a long three weeks.

Jane: That it has, amiga, that it has. And if the fates are with us, it ain’t over yet. (looks back) Right, Trent?

Trent sways slightly, snoring quietly, but is still on his feet. Jane walks over to him and gives him a shake.

Jane (loud): Up and at ‘em, Stick Boy!!

Trent (jerks awake): Noyoucan’tconnectthatit’llshort! (Blinks and looks around) Aw, dammit, Janey! Don’t do that! (Takes a BIG drink)

The line moves up a few paces.

Jane: At least you aren’t dreaming about getting rousted by the cops anymore, Trent.

Trent shoots Jane a glare. Daria takes a drink of her coffee.

Trent: Janey, I never studied this hard when I was in high school. This had better be worth it.

Jane: It will be, Trent. It will be.

Cut to a nearby part of the mall, where the Fashion Club is heading across the mall, en-route to Cashmans.

Sandi: Like, I can’t believe someone had the nerve to put that ridiculous banner up over the entrance.

Tiffany: Yeeaah. Thos colors juust toootaaally claaaaash.

Quinn: I know. It’s like they don’t even care that that show takes place in a . . .a . . .dump. Ugh!

Stacy: Yeah, that is so gross, and they end up getting so filthy by the time they’re done . . .

Sandi and Tiffany glare at Stacy.

Stacy (continues): . . . uh . . . or so I was told. Heh.

Quinn: The worst part of it is that they’re all a bunch of . . .brains! I mean, who else would embarrass themselves like that just to be on television.

Sandi (spotting Daria, Trent, and Jane): Say Kuh-winn, isn’t that your, like, sister or whatever, and her little artsy friend?

Relatively long shot of Trent, Daria, and Jane as the line advances again.

Quinn: Yeah, they’ve been driving themselves crazy the last two weeks, cramming for that thing. (Scoffs) Like they stand a chance.

Cut back to the Fashion Club.

Stacy: Who’s that guy with them?

Quinn (dry): Oh, that’s just Jane’s brother.

Stacy (slightly dreamy look): Hmmm......

Sandi (looks thoughtful): Hmm . . . Maybe we can, like, use this opportunity to convince them that they should update their looks before they go on TV and embarrass Lawndale. Come on.

Cut to Trent, Jane, and Daria, still in line as the Fashion Club walks up. Sandi and Tiffany immediately get in Daria and Jane’s faces. Quinn pretty much stays out of things while Stacy drifts closer to Trent with a “wide-eyed wonder” look. Shot then changes to a medium close up of Jane, Daria, Tiffany, and Sandi.

Sandi: Hey, Quinn’s sister or whatever, You realize that there’s still a chance to update that pathetic outfit before it’s too late.

Tiffany: Yeeaahhh. Those colors are so, like draaaaab.

Sandi (looks at Jane): And all those earrings. Don’t you know that look went out, like, a hundred years ago?

Pan to Stacy and Trent. Trent takes a drink of coffee and looks Stacy over once, rather disinterestedly.

Trent (deadpan): Hey.

Stacy (desperately trying not to hyperventilate): Uh, h-h-h-hi . . . I’m S-s-s-tacy.

Trent (deadpan): The name’s Trent.

Stacy: H-hi, Trent.

Trent cocks an eyebrow at Stacy, then the shot pans back to Daria, Jane, Sandi, and Tiffany.

Jane (smirk): Ya know, Daria, that’s probably not a bad idea. (To Sandi) Do you think that you could find something that won’t clash with an oxy-acetylene torch?

Daria (smirk): Or something that compliments the color of axel grease in our hair. That’s what we’d really need.

Jane: Yeah! And what color would go best with motor oil stains?

Sandi looks shocked for a moment, then glares at both Daria and Jane.

Sandi (disgusted): Not only are you pathetically unfashionable, but you are both incontrovertible, or whatever. (To the rest of the F.C.) Come ladies.

Sandi and Tiffany stalk off, leaving Quinn and Stacy behind.

Shot pulls back to reveal Quinn, standing with her hands on her hips, and Stacy still moon eyed over Trent.

Jane: What do you suppose she meant?

Daria (shrugs): Who cares, as long as she’s out of our hair.

Quinn walks up to Daria and Jane.

Quinn: Seriously, though . . . Good luck trying to get on the show.

Jane (surprised): Wow. Thanks, Quinn.

Daria: Thank you, Quinn. That means a lot. It really does.

Stacy (dazed): Yeah . . . good luck, Trent.

Trent (cocking his eyebrow again): Thanks.

Quinn looks at Stacy and shakes her head, then heads off in pursuit of the rest of the Fashion Club, taking Stacy by the arm as she pass her.

Quinn (as she walks): Later, Daria. . . C’mon, Stacy.

Cut to close up of Stacy and Quinn as they walk.

Quinn (looks sidelong at Stacy): What was that all about?

Stacy (dreamily): Mmmm . . . Oh, nothing.

Cut back to Trent, Daria, and Jane. Trent is watching the line, while Jane and Daria watch Quinn and Stacy as they leave.

Jane (turns slightly to Trent): And just what was that all about there, Trent?

Trent (shrugs): Search me, Janey.

Daria: Oh look, it’s the competition . . .

Trent and Jane look in the same direction. Cut to a shot of Tom and Jim walking towards the camera’s p.o.v. Jim is slightly shorter than Tom, has brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, and is dressed somewhat scruffily (a little better than Trent). Cut back to previous shot.

Daria (continues as they walk up): . . . or two thirds of them, anyway.

Tom: Hey Trent, Jane (to Daria) Hey.

Daria: Hey.

Trent: Hey, Tom.

Jane: Yo.

Tom (making introductions): Trent, Jim, I don’t know if the two of you have met. This is Trent, Jane’s older brother. Trent, this is my friend Jim, from Fielding.

Trent and Jim eye each other for a second before the two of them shake hands.

Jim: How do, Trent.

Trent: Yo.

The line moves forward a few paces again and the teams look ahead. Cut to a momentary shot of the three DJs at the table, talking to Cathy and her assistant. Kevin is seen walking past the line in the same direction that the F.C. was taking when they came in, then back to Daria and company.

Daria (to Tom): So, where’s Chris?

Tom: She stopped for coffee on the way. She’ll be along.

Kevin walks through the shot, giving the teams a confused look as he walks by.

Kevin: Man, why would you guys go and sign up for some junk war? I thought you were supposed to be smarter than that?

Kevin starts laughing and walks out of the shot.

Jim (to Tom): So, who was that?

Tom: That was Kevin Thomson, Lawndale High’s vaunted quarterback.

Jane: About as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

Daria: And about as likeable (finished off her coffee).

Kevin (off screen): Heeeyyyyyyyy.....

Shot changes to long shot of Kevin, seen from over the teams‘ heads, walking towards a girl with dirty blonde hair, wearing jeans, a khaki shirt, black jacket, and carrying a fresh cup of coffee. She is also walking towards the teams. Kevin immediately walks over to the girl and starts putting the moves on her. Brittany can be seen even further in the background, and immediately starts fuming.

Jim: Like a moth to a flame...

Kevin gets closer, smiling his biggest, doing his “I‘m the QB“ bit. The blonde looks progressively more disgusted.

Daria: Brain dead moth to a flamethrower, you mean.

Kevin tries to edge a little closer, but the blonde backs away. Brittany also sees this and starts walking towards Kevin.

Tom (warning): Don’t do it, Kevin.

He starts to reach out and put an arm around the blonde’s waist. Brittany’s gotten even closer, and she’s pissed.

Jane (singsong) You’ll beeee sooorrrrrrrrryyyyyy!

Blonde (loud and mad): You think you’re so damn cool, lets heat things up!

The blonde immediately grabs the front of Kevin’s pants at the waist and pours her fresh, hot coffee down the front of them.

Kevin (screams):YYYEEEOOOWWWCCHHH!!!!

Trent (winces): Oooo, I hope he’s wearing his cup.

The girl stalks toward the teams and shoots a glare back over her shoulder.

Blonde: You want cream with that? Whiny little . . .(mutters).

Cut back to medium shot of all six as the blonde walks up to the teams.

Daria: Well, Chris, I see that you’ve added another chapter to your legend.

Chris (pissed): What I should have done was ring his scrawny little neck for making me waste a perfectly good latte. How the hell does Lawndale High put up with a stupid letch like that?

Tom: The sad thing is, he’s not the letch. He’s just stupid.

Brittany drags Kevin back through the shot as the line moves up again. Kevin looks like he’s in a little pain, not to mention like he’s wet his pants. Everyone watches as they go by.

Brittany (angry and really squeaky): I don’t care what your stupid excuse is, you rat! You deserved what you got and you’re taking me to lunch just like you promised and maybe you’ll learn your lesson now!!

Kevin (pained): Aww, babe! Come on! I gotta go change, and maybe get some ice!

Brittany: I don’t care!! (starts in on Kevin again, but we can’t understand what she’s saying)

Chris looks at Daria and Jane.

Chris: God, I feel sorry for you guys.

Jane: Actually, you should feel sorry for Brittany. She’s the one who keeps taking him back.

Shot changes to the sign-up table as the last team to be interviewed walks away. Cathy is still looking over their folder as her assistant looks up.

Assistant: Next please.

Back to the teams. All of them turn toward the table.

Tom: Looks like you’re up, guys.

Jane: Yup. Let’s go.

Shot changes back to the sign up table as Jane, Trent, and Daria walk up. Cathy closes the folder that she was reading out of and stands up.

Cathy: Hello there. I’m Cathy. And you are?

Jane (making introductions): Hi, Cathy. I’m Jane, this is my best friend Daria, and my brother Trent. We call our team The Lawndale Cynics . . .

Cathy shakes hands with each in turn.

Jane (continues): . . . and we’d like to sign up for Junkyard Wars.

Fade to Black.

White text on black background: four days later.

Scene fades in to a decently furnished office. The view outside the window is of several larger buildings and a couple of skyscrapers, making it obvious that the office isn’t in Lawndale. There are boxes of videotapes and folders scattered through out the office. Cathy Rogers, in the same business suit as before, is sitting behind the desk, and Robert Llewellyn, wearing a green sweater and black slacks, is in one of the chairs on the opposite side of the desk. Sitting on a couch behind a coffee table across the office is a dark haired man, Tyler Harcott, wearing a blue short sleeved shirt, black pants, and a black vest, is going through stacks of video tapes. All three of them look like they’ve been there for quite some time.

Tyler (with an American accent): Well, that’s the last tape. (Points remote at TV and shuts it off, then leans back and rubs his eyes) My optometrist is gonna love to see me this week. My eyes are killing me.

Robert: Schedule an appointment for me as well. (Tosses a folder aside and rubs his eyes) Some of the handwriting on these is atrocious. And who the bloody hell would go by the moniker “Spatula man?” I mean, really.

Cathy: I don’t know. Back home there was a radio announcer that went by the handle “Crazy Larry,” and was actually quite intelligent.

Cathy puts her folder aside and picks up a single sheet of paper from the clutter on her desk. She makes one last notation on it and then holds it up.

Cathy (stands up and heads for the couch): Here’s my votes, gentlemen. What have you decided?

Robert: I have mine as well. (Also stands and heads for the couch with a sheet)

Tyler: Ditto. (waves a sheet in the air)

Shot changes to a medium shot of the couch as Tyler slides over. Cathy and Robert sit down and Robert is handed the other’s papers. He lays them out on the coffee table and spends a moment or two marking various lines on each page with an orange highlighter.

Robert: And the winners are . . . (hands back sheets)

Close up to Cathy as she looks over her sheet.

Cathy: Well, I suppose this about what I expected you fellows would choose.

Return to medium shot.

Tyler: Well, thanks a lot.

Robert (looking over his own sheet): Well, it was your idea to have it be two out of three votes gets in.

Tyler (has his sheet, but isn’t looking at it): Yup. Besides, if we go over these any longer, we’re never going to make the shooting schedule for the new season.

Cathy: No need to remind me of that, I’m the producer, remember?

Robert (smirk): Does that mean I don’t get my raise?

Cathy: You can have Tyler’s.

Tyler: Oh, I see. So I don’t get my raise, is that it?

Cathy (smirk): You can have Robert’s.

Robert: Oh, ha ha.

Cathy (looks up with a serious expression): Look, gentlemen, I can’t say that I’m all that interested in the idea of putting teams of high school students on the show. I have no doubt that they’re entirely capable of making a go of it, but out of these teams, there’s only one of them that’s over twenty-one, and that’s just barely. If one of these kids gets hurt, there’ll be hell to pay.

Tyler (to Cathy): Look, you’re the one that keeps saying that the network executives are concerned about getting higher ratings for the show. I really can’t think of any other way to do it, unless you want to get two teams of all models and dress them up in bikinis.

Robert (looks interested): I wouldn’t mind hosting that one.

Tyler: Hey me neither.

Cathy (tired): You two are a pair of perverts, do you realize that?

Robert (faux insulted): I am not!

Tyler: He’s right. I’ve never seen him at any of the meetings, and I don’t miss a one.

Cathy just groans.

Robert (seriously): Look, Cathy, I will agree with you that there is something of a risk putting them on. But if we get their parents to sign the usual releases and keep an extra eye on them, I doubt that there’ll be much of a problem. Besides, can you imagine what the ratings would be if those kids’ teams made it to the finals? If nothing else, we’d have the entirety of this Lawndale place watching the show just to see who wins.

Tyler: You spoke to both of them, Cath. It’s up to you, but you know where our votes are going.

Robert: I have to say I’m with Tyler on this one, Cathy.

Tight close up of Cathy as she looks straight into the camera. She looks very tired. She takes a deep breath and lets out a long sigh. She reaches up and pinches her sinuses and shakes her head.

Cathy (resigned): I have got to be out of my mind.

Fade to black.

White text on black background: four more days later.

Fade back in to a shot of Casa Lane as Daria is walking up the front walk. She doesn’t even have a chance to ring the bell, because Jane opens the door before Daria gets there. Shot changes to the inside of the front door.

Jane (excited, waving an envelope): Daria, it’s here! It finally came!

Daria (deadpan): Good thing I brought something to cure it.

Camera pans as the two of them walk to the couch.

Jane: I mean the letter from the Junkyard Wars people! It came today!

Daria: So what did it say?

Jane: I haven’t opened it yet. I wanted you and Trent to be here when I did.

Pan stops at the couch, where Trent is asleep (go figure). Jane gives her brother a dirty look before walking over and shaking him by the shoulder.

Jane: Wake up, Trent. (Louder) Or should I have Daria help you?

Daria smirks to herself as Trent starts awake a lot faster than he usually does.

Trent (sleepy): Huh!? What!? I’m up! What!?

Jane (smirk): That’s worked every morning for the past month.

Jane and Daria sit down as Trent straightens up in the couch. Jane sits in the middle, and Daria sits on her left.

Trent: Well, don’t just sit there, Janey, open it.

Jane (chuckle): I don’t think that I’ve ever been this nervous.

Daria: Relax, Jane. It’s just a letter.

Jane puts a finger under the flap of the official looking envelope and pulls out the letter within . . .

Cut to a long shot of the Slone place, then to the interior of the living room. Tom is sitting on the couch, idly playing with an envelope while he watches television (cowboy and Indian sounds are in the background). Chris and Jim come walking into the shot from the left, dressed as they were in the scenes in the mall.

Chris: All right, Tommy Boy. What was it that is so important that it couldn’t be told over the phone.

Jim (to Chris): He’s probably found bugs in the receivers or something. The Phone Company’s been known to tap the lines from time to time.

Chris takes off her jacket and tosses it onto the chair before sitting down on the couch next to Tom, who shuts off the television.

Chris: Has anyone ever told you that you have absolutely no life?

Jim: Yes, you have. More often than I can count.

Tom (smirk): She always has been one to state the obvious.

Chris (smirk): Kiss my ass.

Jim starts laughing as he sits on the opposite side of Tom.

Tom: No thanks, I know where it’s been. Besides, I’ve already got a girlfriend.

Chris: She’ll trade up, eventually.

Tom: Hate to break this to you, but Daria’s straight.

Jim: Or so she’s told you

Tom (smirk): Hmmm . . . that does open some interesting possibilities, considering that I was dating her best friend too.

Jim (groans): Dammit, some guys have all the luck!

Chris (with a “why do I put up with this?” look): You two are pathetic. Absolutely puh-thetic. Now, what’s so damn special that you had us drag our asses all the way across town for?

Tom holds the letter up.

Tom: I got this in the mail this morning. It’s from the producers of Junkyard Wars.

Jim (sits up): Well hell, man, did we make it or not?

Tom: I don’t know. I haven’t opened it yet.

Chris: Well, open it, you sadist!!

Tom puts a finger under the flap of the official looking envelope and pulls out the letter within . . .

Cut back to the Lane living room. Jane, Daria, and Trent are all crowded together, reading their letter.

Jane: (mumble mumble mumble) . . . “and are pleased to inform you that you have been selected to appear on the next and newest season of Junkyard Wars!” (Stands up and thrusts both arms in the air, throws the letter in the air, yelling) WE MADE IT!!!!

Trent: Who else made the cut?

Daria snags the letter out of the air as it flutters to the floor. Shot changes to a close up as Daria looks at the letter.

Daria: Lets find out.

Trent leans in to the shot and reads over Daria’s shoulder.

Trent (points): Look, here at the bottom of the list.

Cut back to the Slone living room. Chris, Tom, and Jim are also crowded in to read their letter.

Tom: (mumble mumble mumble) . . . “and are pleased to inform you that you have been selected to appear on the next and newest season of Junkyard Wars.” (Looks up in disbelief) I’ll be damned. We’re on!

Jim (slumps back on the couch): YEEE-HAAAA! I knew it!!

Chris (thrusts her arm in the air): HOT DAMN!! This’ll show that idiot counselor! (Lets her arm fall) Wait a minute, who else made the show too?

Shot changes to a close up of Tom as he looks at the letter again. Jim leans into the shot as Tom reads on.

Jim (points): Look, here at the bottom of the list.

Cut to split screen of Trent & Daria and Tom & Jim. Both Tom and Daria look closer at where Trent and Jim are pointing.

Tom / Daria (sigh): Oohh hell.

Fade to Black.

Shot fades in to a close up of the television in the Morgendorffer living room. The screen is filled with static, then it clears to reveal...

The Junkyard Wars logo and the JYW theme starts playing. After a moment, the shot changes to Cathy in her silver jacket over black outfit comes on the screen. She is walking thought the Junkyard, the camera in front of her maintaining its distance as she walks.

Cathy: The new season of Junkyard Wars is here!

Shot changes to Robert, wearing his gray suit / silver tie combination, walking through another part of the yard. The camera, like Cathy’s, maintains its distance as he walks.

Robert: The new crop of Junkyard Warriors has been selected!

Shot changes to Tyler, wearing a silver vest over a black turtleneck, walking through yet another part of the yard. Camera does the same as with Cathy and Robert.

Tyler: A whole new batch of Junkyard Wars Challenges has been devised!

Back to Cathy.

Cathy: And this season, we’ve got a whole new crop of surprises!

Back to Robert

Robert: We’ve got not only one of the oldest teams in the history of our show, but two of the youngest!

Back to Tyler

Tyler: And we’ve got a brand new Junkyard Wars Trophy up for grabs!

Back to Cathy. Tyler and Robert come walking up from either side as she walks.

Cathy: And this season we’ve got ...

Cathy / Robert / Tyler: All three hosts!

Cathy jumps as Robert and Tyler exchange a smirk. Cathy looks behind her, then back to the camera. She puts her hands to her temples and looks distressed.

Cathy: I have got to be out of my mind.

Cut to the Junkyard Wars logo, lit up by a blast of sparks.

TLC Announcer: Tune in for the all new season of Junkyard Wars, right here on TLC.

Daria’s hand comes up and hits a button on the television remote, and the TV goes black. Shot changes to Daria and Tom sitting on the couch in Daria’s living room. The two of them were looking at the television, then they look at each other. Both look awfully nervous.

Daria: What the hell were we thinking?

Tom: Search me, Daria.

They both lay their heads on the back of the couch and look at the ceiling. Both of them sigh, and we once again...

Fade to Black

Splendora (singing): la la LA lala

Splendora launches into their version of the Junkyard Wars Theme as the credits and alter egos start to roll . . . . .

Chris as a spear wielding Roman Gladiatrix

Tom, as Admiral James Kirk, and Jim, as Kahn Noonien Singh, standing back to back, arms folded

Quinn as a pink ninja warrior in mid leap

Jodi as RoboCop (Okay, so it’s not original, but it is cool!)

Jane as a ConEd worker climbing out of a man hole

Sandi as a mermaid in a giant fish tank

Robert, Cathy, and Tyler as the latest movie versions of Batman, Batgirl, and Robin (respectively)

Daria as Sherlock Holmes, looking over Jakes body with a magnifying glass.

Author’s notes (I warn ya, it might become an essay!)

I’ve been a long time fan of Daria, practically from the get go. I became a fan of Daria fan fiction almost overnight when I first signed the online petition to get “Lady D” out on DVD and discovered the Outpost Daria website. It immediately became my first stop for the various things that make life in Lawndale such an adventure. I also immediately developed a stable of favorite authors (Ben Breek and his New Teacher series, Wildgoose and her Submariner series) and artists (Liliane Greiner, Shaun Nakasone, Michelle Klein-Häss), and so many others that I can‘t name them all here. Their stories will make you laugh, cry, and shake your head and groan, and the art is - dare I say it? - Magnificent!

So, now that I’m through sucking up, why a Daria / Junkyard Wars crossover? Well, call it living vicariously through others. I always wanted to get a team together and apply, and actually get on the show! So while watching one of the promos for JYW, I started wondering how I could get a team from Lawndale on the show. Daria wouldn’t be quite the type to spearhead such a thing, however Jane is just “free spirit” enough to go for it, given the opportunity. The question then became how to get Jane interested. Then it hit me - Tom could have gotten her interested when they were dating. So, with that and quickly jotting down a dozen little scenes for an new opening montage, I took pen, paper, and keyboard in hand, and this was the result.

The other reason I chose a Junkyard Wars crossover is simple - Junkyard Wars is fun! I felt I needed to do something light that would also promote a show where someone could actually learn something. I also didn’t want to do something where someone got raped, murdered, traumatized, molested, assaulted, committed suicide, or generally had life turned upside down and flushed down the commode.

As far as the rest of it goes, I hope that Glen Elcher & Susie Lewis, should they ever lay eyes on this, would be pleased with my little creation. Hopefully, by borrowing a the characters of Chris and Jim form The Alchemist's Electronic Alchemy series I haven’t made my first foray into fanfic-dom a trip right into a bear trap. I needed a couple of characters for Tom’s team, and Chris and Jim had already been established as his friends, at least to me. For what little they were seen, I hope I have stayed true to their characters. I also hope that Cathy Rogers, Robert Llewellyn, and Tyler Harcott would be pleased with my portrayal of them in my little story, should they ever happen to read this. (I believe that they would be considered public figures, so I don’t think I’ve crossed any legal lines that I am aware of.)

Lastly, the selection of the teams for TLC’s Junkyard Wars is no where near the way I have portrayed it. TLC gets tapes and applications by the truckload (probably literally) for JYW, and the screening and selection process takes weeks and weeks! There’s no way they would have the time to go around and sit in shopping malls all day, schlepping for contestants. They’d never have time to host, never mind shoot! But I needed to streamline the procedure and this way seemed to work best. And, though this may burst some bubbles, there’s also probably no way they would let a team of high school kids on all by them selves. Sorry guys.

Thank you for reading my story, and thank you for reading my notes. Rest assured that their first challenge is in the works as you read! Thank you to MTV for bringing Daria out to the world! Big smoochies to you! Thank you to Noggin for bringing Daria to a new generation, and a big smack upside the head for editing them with a machete!!! Give the kids enough credit to figure out the humor and references for themselves! They’re smarter than any of us think!

Questions? Comemnts? Even better - a route to Lawndale??

Send ‘em to

And Fan Art! I’d really really really really really really really love it if someone drew some fan art! Really!