"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved.  This is
*not* an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write.
Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for
fanfics....


This is the follow-up to "The Tie That Chokes," taking place a little more
than a week later.  It's also the third fic in my chronology, behind
"Rose-Colored Lenses" and "The Tie That Chokes."

I'd give this fic a 1.5S rating.  RCL was a one-sitting, TTTC a
two-sitting... this is right smack in between length-wise, but because of
its more serious subject matter, some may feel the need to do it in two....

You'll notice a few modifications in the way my scenes are laid out.
Because some people complained, and because it gets to be a major
pain-in-the-ass to write "cut to close-up" over and over again, I've
removed many of the camera angles.  So for this fic, you'll just have to
imagine for yourselves whether there are close-ups, pans, etc!  I've also
taken the liberty of shortening "Beat" to "Bt" -- hopefully *all* of these
changes will make for easier reading.  Be sure to tell me what you
think.....

If you're the sentimental type, grab a hanky, or something.  Naw, actually,
it's not *that* bad -- I went out of my way to try to avoid schmaltz in
this fic............. Anyway, enjoy!


[intro theme music...................]

THAT THING YOU SAY -- by Kara Wild


ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, evening -- presumably after dinner)

(Shot of the living room.  Daria, Quinn, and Jake sit in the foreground,
while Helen paces around in the background.  Jake's sitting on the left hand
couch, reading the newspaper.  Daria and Quinn sit on the center couch.
Daria's scribbling on a notepad, every so often tearing out pages,
crumpling them up, and flinging them aside.  To her left, Quinn pores
through an issue of Glasses World.  cut to close-up Helen.  She's holding
the cell phone in her hand and glaring at it menacingly.)

HELEN:  *Dammit* you *bastard*, why won't you call?!!  (shakes the phone)

(resume wide shot.  Daria and Jake glance up from what they're doing, both
wearing "Uh-oh, she's at it again" expressions.  Quinn continues to look
through Glasses World, oblivious.  cut to close-up Helen)

HELEN: (continuing)  I mean how *long* does it *take* to draft a
counter-offer?!!  *Dammit*, is he just gonna keep me by the *phone* --?!

(resume wide shot.  Daria leans down, scribbles on her notepad.)

DARIA: (to herself) "Her shrieking pierced the air, like that of a demon
from the depths of hell.  She stalked the unsuspecting prey, waiting for
that opportune moment when she could bite his head off." (Pause. looks up.
reflects)  Or maybe "when she could tear his throat out"?  Yeah, that has
more zing to it.  (writes it down)

(Quinn glances over at what Daria's doing, cringes.)

QUINN:  Ewww, Daria!  What're you *writing*???

DARIA:  Just some poetry for O'Neill's class.  We're doing a segment on
poems that capture the essence of life.

QUINN:  Well your stuff sounds *gross*!

DARIA: (deadpan)  As does life.

(We suddenly see Helen coming up behind Daria.  She's overheard this last bit.)

HELEN: (sarcastic)  Oh *my*, what an *unusual* response from you, Daria.

DARIA: ("O-kaay". humoring her. deadpan)  Ha-ha, Mom.

(Helen shakes the phone again.)

HELEN:  Dammit, dammit, *dammit*!  Does he have *any* idea how much time I
put *into* this?!!  After I flubbed the deposition last week --
(interrupted by the sound of the phone ringing.  clicks it on, puts it
against her ear.  none of her crooning *this* time -- curt)  Yes, *hello*??

(She walks off screen, her voice fading into the background.  Quinn holds
out her magazine to Jake.)

QUINN:  Daddy, can we subscribe to Glasses World?

JAKE:  What for, sweetie?

(Quinn tosses her hands in the air, looks exasperated.)

QUINN: ("duh" tone)  So I can keep up with what's going on in the
vision-impaired *community*!

DARIA:  Why waste the money?  You and I could just have a conversation for
a change.

QUINN: (like she'd even consider it)  You're *too* funny, Daria.

(cut to close-up Helen)

HELEN: (snapping into the receiver)  No I will *not* buy your *goddamn*
long distance phone cards!  And don't you *ever* call here again!!  (hangs
up the phone, mutters to herself)

(resume wide shot.  Daria, Quinn, and Jake glance at each other briefly,
cringe.)

QUINN: (continuing)  Besides, Glasses World stays in touch with the latest
breakthroughs in contact lens technology.

DARIA:  Ah-ha, the truth comes out.

(Pause)

JAKE: (hesitant)  Well, sweetie, I don't know...

(cut to close-up Helen)

HELEN: (to herself, but loud enough for everyone to hear)  *Dammit*, people
should *call* when they say they're *going* to. (Bt)  Is it *really* so
hard to pick up the *damn* phone and make a simple call?!  *Is* it??!!
(she says this last bit with such vehemence, it's obvious she's not just
upset at the other lawyer)

(resume wide shot.  Jake is now really hesitant.)

JAKE:  Um, I'm usually pretty *bad* with these decisions, hon.  Maybe you'd
better ask your mother after she's... (lowers his hand in a "calmed down"
motion)

(Quinn glances toward Helen, looks at Jake with a "God, are you nuts???"
expression.  Pause.  Finally she shrugs a "what the hell," and turns to
Helen.)

QUINN: Mo-om???

(Helen storms over and stands behind Quinn, hands on her hips, glaring.)

HELEN: (cutting her off)  *No*, Quinn, you *cannot* order a subscription to
Glasses World!  Not when you don't even *wear* your glasses half the time!

QUINN: (pleading. whiny)  But *Mo-om*, those things pinch my ears and leave
icky dents on the sides of my nose!

(Helen throws her hands up in the air.)

HELEN: (not buying it. dripping with irritation)  *Honestly*, Quinn,
*sometimes* I wonder just how much I have to *pay* you to wear your
glasses!
[*] she's been paying Quinn five bucks a day since "Rose-Colored Lenses"

(Daria suddenly gets a mysterious smirk on her face, glances at Quinn.
Quinn eyes her with some irritation.)

QUINN: (to Helen. hesitant)  Oh, not much. (Bt)  Just, um, *ten* dollars a day.

(cut to shot of Helen from Quinn's POV.  She barrels down over her.)

HELEN: (bristling)  *What*?!!  Oh it's *ten* dollars *now*, is it??!!  Well
*forget* it -- I won't pay another *damn* cent!

(She stalks away from the couch.  Daria looks at Quinn, wiggles her eyelids
mysteriously.  Quinn purses her lips and glares at her, then tries again.)

QUINN: (super-whiny)  But *Mo-ooom* --!

(*Big* mistake.  Helen now comes over to Quinn, wears a menacing expression.)

HELEN: Quinn, it's *Mom*, not Mo-om -- *Mom*!  *One* syllable!!!  Now I
want to hear you say it *right*, so say it with me now.  Go on -- *say*
it!!!

(Pause)

HELEN & QUINN:  Moooom... Moooom... (Helen stops.  Quinn says one last
time, meekly) M-mom.

(Helen stalks away, having let off a little steam.  Daria and Quinn watch
her go, while Jake hides behind his newspaper. Pause.)

DARIA: (to Quinn. hushed)  Boy, our psycho-mother eagle's really on the
warpath, tonight.
[*] see Act II, Scene 3 "The Tie That Chokes"

QUINN: (not getting the reference, but: )  She's psycho-*something*.  God,
what is *with* her, lately???

DARIA:  I'd say P.M.S., but more likely it has something to do with Aunt
Amy. (Bt)  Mom's been like this since she left.

(As she says this, Jake lowers his newspaper a little, looks at the Glasses
World issue, which lies next to Quinn.)

QUINN: (to Daria. hushed)  They're not still *mad* at each other, are they???

DARIA:  Well, judging from all the percentage signs and exclamation points
I got when I mentioned Mom to Amy in an e-mail, I'd say it's a distinct
possibility.

(Meanwhile, Jake has flipped to the back page of Glasses World and is
looking at a list of different issues, wearing a curious expression.  The
phone rings off screen.  cut to close-up Helen)

HELEN: *Finally* we can get down to business!  (clicks on the phone. into
the receiver, curt) *Hello*??

(resume wide shot.  Jake has picked up the Glasses World issue and now
looks though it with obvious delight.  Helen stalks back toward the
couches, silent for a few seconds, then: )

HELEN:  *Wrong* number, jerk!  Do I *sound* like a psychic friend to you??!

DARIA: (thought voice-over)  On that one I'd go with a definite *no*.

(Helen shakes her head and groans.  Jake is oblivious -- he's really into
the magazine.)

JAKE: (to himself, but *just* loud enough for everyone to hear) Ooh la la!
It's got an *Erotic* Eyewear issue!

(Pause.  Suddenly Jake feels an unkind presence hovering nearby.  He looks
up.  cut to his POV -- Helen stands over him, glaring.  cut to close-up
Daria)

DARIA: (thought voice-over)  "And so, she tears out his throat, pecks out
his eyes, and leaves him to die a slow, painful death."

(fade-out.  fade-in to: )

SCENE 2 (Morgendorffer house, later that evening)

(Shot of the stairs.  Daria starts to walk down them, glances outward,
stops.  cut to wider shot.  Helen's sitting on the center couch of the
living room in the foreground, going through papers.  She wears a cross
expression.  resume close-up stairs.  Daria starts to tiptoe down them
*very* softly.  resume wider shot.  Daria reaches the bottom of the stairs,
starts tiptoeing toward the kitchen.)

HELEN: (irritated)  You don't have to *sneak* around, Daria.  I know you're
there.

DARIA:  Oh.  (Pause. straightens up and walks toward the center couch,
stands behind Helen)  So, is everything all taken care of?  (doesn't want
to refer to the phone call directly for fear of being lashed out at)

HELEN: (unusually quiet and weary)  Yes, yes, everything's fine.  (holds up
a paper and studies it)

DARIA:  Oh... that's good.  (turns and starts to head toward kitchen)
Guess I'll -- (stops, looks at the paper Helen's holding.  tries to act
nonchalant)  Oh.  I see you found one of my poems.

HELEN: (quiet. sarcastic)  Yes, well, it wasn't *hard*, considering they
were all *over* the place.

DARIA: (trying to make light of it)  Whoops -- so much for that maid
service I ordered.

(Pause.  Daria looks a tad uncomfortable at mom's strange demeanor.  She's
used to her freaking out like she was earlier, but not *this*.)

HELEN: (quiet)  Daria, is this what you think of me?

DARIA:  What d' you mean?

HELEN: (reads from the sheet)  "She stalked the unsuspecting prey, waiting
for that opportune moment when she could *tear* his *throat* out"???

DARIA: (again, trying to lighten the situation)  Oh *that*. (Bt)  Mom,
don't take it personally: I was just as rough on Dad and Quinn.

(Helen flings the sheet down.)

HELEN:  You're *quite* the joker, aren't you?? (Bt)  Well I *do* take it
personally.  How do you think it makes me *feel* to be described like that?!

DARIA:  (now really uncomfortable)  Um... not too good?

HELEN:  Yes, exactly -- *not* too good.  Not good at all.  (bursts out: )
You know, sometimes I wonder if you even *love* me!

(Pause.  Daria's super-uncomfortable, thinking, "Okay Mom, you've gone
*way* over the line, here.")

DARIA: (hesitant. reasonable)  Mom, you *know* what the answer to that is.

HELEN:  Oh really, *do* I?  Well then *why* don't I feel confident enough
to trust my instincts?? (Bt)  You're a *real* mystery to me sometimes,
Daria, you really are.  I don't know *what* you believe.

(Pause.  Now Daria looks guilty, as well as uncomfortable.)

DARIA:  Look Mom, just tr-- (realizes that won't get her anywhere.  slumps
forward a bit.  Pause.  can't come up with a magic one-liner *this* time)
Look... um, why don't I just leave you alone, and we can discuss this after
you've had the chance to unwind a little.  Okay?

(Silence.  Helen's already turned away from Daria and is looking through
her legal papers.  She wears a cross, hurt expression.  cut to close-up
Daria)

DARIA: (to herself, feeling like she has to break the silence)  Okay, then.

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Quinn's room)

(Shot of Quinn's door as seen from the inside.  sound of knocking.  cut to
shot of Quinn posing in front of her full-length mirror.)

QUINN: (sing-songy)  Come *in*.

(cut to shot of the door.  Daria opens it, pokes her head through.)

DARIA:  Quinn, can we talk?

(cut to shot of Quinn.  She turns around, a look of alarm on her face.
Immediately assumes a melodramatic pose.)

QUINN:  Why?!  So you can *gouge* me for more money, *bleed* me dry an'
leave me like a withered old icky *prune* so you can buy another one of
your *stupid* books and some pizza with your *dumb* friend??!  I can't
*take* this anymore, Daria!  It's bad enough I'm paying you to keep your
mouth shut about the glasses thing, but what *more* do you want from me,
Daria, what *more*??!!  (slumps forward dramatically)

(Meanwhile, Daria's walked into the room and is standing next to Quinn.
She rolls her eyes.)

DARIA:  Hey *coz* -- save the Oscar-winning performance for someone who
*gives* a damn, all right?  (Bt)  Besides, the reason I'm here's not
*about* me.  It's about *Mom*.

(Quinn lifts her head.  Her expression quickly changes from alarm to interest.)

QUINN:  Mom?  What f-- ? (stops.  smirks delightedly)  You got in *trouble*
with her, didn't you?? (Bt. sing-songy)  What'd you *do*, Daria??

(Pause.  Daria looks down briefly, uncomfortable.)

DARIA:  I'm not *sure*, exactly. (Bt)  But what I *do* know is that there's
only one way *out* of it. (Bt)  I gotta... (looks down again, embarrassed)
say *something* to her...

(Quinn leans closer.)

QUINN: Like *what*?

DARIA:  Something.  (Pause. sighs)  You know that *thing* you say to
someone when you want to show you care... a lot?

(Bt.  Quinn has a thoughtful look on her face -- she's never really been
*in* that position before.)

QUINN:  *What* thing?  (Pause. then realizes, wrinkles her nose)  Oh *that*???

DARIA: (nodding)  Yeah.

(Quinn rolls her eyes, flings a hand at Daria. laughs)

QUINN:  Oh ho-ho, I feel sorry for *you*, Daria.  (Bt)  But good luck,
though -- you're gonna *need* it.  (turns back toward the mirror)

DARIA:  Actually, *we're* gonna need it.

QUINN:  *What*?!  (spins around and looks at her with alarm)

DARIA:  I'm not doing this alone.

QUINN: ("don't drag *me* into this")  But hey, wait!  Mom's mad at *you*!

 DARIA: (cocking an eyelid)  So?  I'm not the only culprit here. (Bt)  You
haven't exactly been in Mom's good graces, *either*.

(Pause.  Quinn reflects, then wilts, realizing this is true.)

DARIA: (blackmail approach)  Or would you rather I tell her you still call
me *cousin* at school?

(Quinn gives in, rolls her eyes.)

QUINN: (exasperated)  Okay, okay.  So what d' we do, then?

(Daria pauses briefly to think.)

DARIA: Well, considering what I know about you, I'd say you've got as
little experience with saying *it* as I do.  So I suggest we practice.
(Bt)  And for that, we're gonna need a bigger mirror.

(With that, Daria turns and walks out of Quinn's room.  Quinn remains
behind for a few moments, turns toward her mirror.)

QUINN: (to herself)  I *never* thought I'd hear her say that.  (to her
reflection)  Did *you*???

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 4 (bathroom)

(Shot of the sinks and the mirror.  Daria's already standing in front of 
the mirror, on the left.  Quinn comes in and stands on the right.)

DARIA:  Okay, I've been going over some wordplay exercises in my head, and
I think I've figured out the best way we can do this.

QUINN:  Great.  So what is it?

DARIA:  Hmm, where to start?  (Pause)  Okay, here goes. (voice goes into
extreme deadpan, the way it did when she explained one-point perspective to
Brittany in "The Invitation.")  Now we've all got stuff we *love*, right?

QUINN: (nodding)  Uh-huh.

DARIA:  Good.  (Bt)  Now think of something you *really* love, like...
*shopping*.  And say to yourself over and over, "I love shopping."

(Quinn looks at her a bit scornfully.)

QUINN:  Sure, that's *easy*.  (Bt)  I love shopping.

DARIA:  Put on an expression that makes you look like you *mean* it.

QUINN: (still scornful)  'Course I *mean* it. (spreads her arms out.
cheery)  I *love* shopping!

(Pause.  Daria observes her, then nods, satisfied with what she sees.)

DARIA:  All right, I see you've firmly mastered the basics.  Now let's move
on to the *advanced* level.  (Bt)  Say "I love shopping" again.  Only
*this* time, replace the word "shopping" with "you."

(Quinn eyes Daria with an expression that shows she still thinks she's
off-her-rocker.)

QUINN:  Fine, *whatever*.  (Pause)  I *love* y-- (can't get the word out.
repositions her mouth, tries again.)  y--  (Pause)  I love y-- y--...
(stops. sighs.  wears an "I can't believe this" expression.)

(Daria's watching her, smirking with some sympathy and lack of surprise.)

DARIA: (gently amused)  Not so easy, is it?

(Quinn glares at her.)

QUINN:  Okay Miss *Perfect*, why don't *you* try, now??

(Daria suddenly looks a bit nervous.)

DARIA:  Um right. sure. okay.  (opens her mouth as if to speak.  long
pause.  nothing comes out)

QUINN:  Well spit it *out*, already!

(Pause.  Daria looks at herself in the mirror.  She wears a slightly
stunned expression.  finally, slowly: )

DARIA:  I don't... think I... can.

QUINN:  What're you *talking* about?!

(Pause.  Daria looks at herself searchingly in the mirror.)

DARIA: (quiet)  I mean, I don't think I can say... *it*.

(Quinn rolls her eyes, tosses her hands in the air.)

QUINN:  That's *crazy* -- you just *said* it to me a few minutes ago!

DARIA:  Yeah, but that was in a theoretical context.  Any attachment to the
emotional.... (looks at herself hard in the mirror.)

(Pause)

QUINN: (still some exasperation. not believing her)  Oh come *on*, even
*you* must love *something*.

(Pause.  Daria wilts a little.  Quinn gazes at her, expression changing to
sympathy and some pity.)

QUINN:  You really *can't* say it, can you?

(Pause.  Daria sighs.)

DARIA: (more to herself than to Quinn)  Nope.  But I guess for Mom's sake,
I'll have to try.

(fade-out.  fade-in to: )

SCENE 5 (Morgendorffer house, next morning)

(Shot of outside.  cut to shot of inside Helen and Jake's room.  Helen's
dashing around, getting ready for work.  cut to shot of the door to the
room, as seen from the hallway.  Daria and Quinn stand beside it.)

DARIA: (to Quinn)  You go first.

QUINN:  No way!  It was *your* idea!

DARIA: (smirking)  Yeah, but who's better at buttering up Mom with her
*perky* smile?

(Quinn pauses to weigh Daria's compliment of her cuteness.)

DARIA: (for insurance)  *Coz*.

(Quinn glares at her.)

QUINN:  Okay, *fine*!  (hesitates, then knocks on the door)  Mom?

HELEN: (from inside)  Yes?

QUINN:  Um, could I talk to you for a minute?  (opens the door as she says
this.)

(cut to shot of Helen in the foreground, getting ready, and Quinn in the
background.)

HELEN: (somewhat rushed)  What is it, Quinn?  I'm late.

(Quinn comes over to her, hesitates.  Shifts her weight from side to side,
bobs her head around.  Helen eyes her impatiently.)

QUINN:  Um, I just wanted to say that I think you're a really *great* and
cool mom an' all that, and I --

(Helen rolls her eyes in an amused manner. thinks Quinn wants something.)

HELEN:  Quinn, we *talked* about this last night, and I've *already* said --

(Quinn makes "Ix-nay" gestures.)

QUINN:  Oh no-no-no, no!  This isn't *about* the *magazine* subscription!
This is *totally* different.  (pause.  glances briefly toward the door with
some resentment)  Um... I just wanted to say that I... I love (has to twist
her mouth *really* hard to get out a barely audible) you.

(Helen's face takes on a stunned expression.)

QUINN: (once she's started, she can't stop) ... love you... I... I-I love
you... Mom.  (looks uncomfortable, yet satisfied.)

(Helen's expression changes from stunned to genuinely moved.)

HELEN:  Oh, Quinn, what a *wonderful* thing to hear you say.  Thank you,
sweetie!

QUINN:  Uh, you're welcome. (thought voice-over. peevish)  *Please* don't
make me say it again.

(Helen leans forward and hugs Quinn.  Quinn -- who, as we know, doesn't
like to be touched -- cringes a little.  Helen draws back and musses
Quinn's hair.)

HELEN:  And Mom loves *you*, too.

QUINN: (peeved)  Mom!  My hair!

HELEN: (chuckles)  Oops!  Sorry, sorry...

(Quinn sighs.)

QUINN: (chastened. resigned)  It's *okay*.  (Bt)  But I'd better redo it
before I leave.  So I... guess I'll see you later.  (heads toward the door)

HELEN:  Bye.  (does a little wave)

(Quinn's at the door, opening it wider.)

QUINN:  Yeah, bye.  (Pause. shrugs her shoulders in a "that wasn't so bad"
manner, and leaves)

(Pause.  Daria glances through the open doorway.  Helen has turned aside,
is wearing a misty-eyed parent expression.)

DARIA:  Mom?

(Helen looks toward the door.)

HELEN: (neutral tone -- none of the anger she expressed last night
lingering)  Yes, Daria?

(Daria opens the door wider and walks into the room. stands where Quinn
stood. shuffles around like she did.)

DARIA: (uncomfortable)  Um... I've been thinking about what you said last
night...

(Helen's face brightens a bit.)

HELEN: (gentle coaxing)  Yes?

DARIA: (continuing)  And I just, um, wanted to show you... (Pause.  closes
her eyes briefly, inhales and exhales in an act of Zen meditation.  Then
she quickly signs an "I love you.")

(Pause.  Helen looks at her with a slightly confused expression. then frowns.)

DARIA:  You got what that meant, right?

(Helen nods slowly, her expression now unreadable.)

HELEN: (subdued)  Yes, I did.  (Bt)  Thanks.

(She turns around to resume the getting-ready stuff she was doing before.
Daria watches her, confused and frowning.)

DARIA:  Mom?

HELEN: (distant. subdued)  Uh-huh?

DARIA:  What's wrong?  (Bt)  I sort of thought you'd act differently --
like the way you did when Quinn talked to you.

(long Pause)

HELEN:  Yes, well Quinn actually *told* me she loved me.

(Pause)

DARIA: (a tad annoyed)  I did, too.

(Helen turns around and faces her.)

HELEN: (exasperated)  Oh *really*?  With *that*?!  (gestures at Daria's arms)

DARIA: (a bit defensive)  Hey, American Sign Language is a perfectly
*legitimate* form of communication.

HELEN:  For the deaf!  (Bt)  Are you deaf, Daria?!

(Daria turns away, looks uncomfortable.)

DARIA:  Um, no... but I mean... (stops.  suddenly has a realization. speaks
in her normal assertive tone.)  Now *hold* on.  You said you didn't think I
cared about you or anything, and I just proved I did.  Isn't that *enough*?

(Helen throws her hands up in the air, glaring.)

HELEN: (irritated)  I guess it's enough for *you*.

DARIA: (defensive. frowning)  What do you *mean*, exactly??

HELEN:  I *mean*, if *that* (exasperated gesture at Daria's arms)  is all I
can *expect* from you, then I guess I'll just have to *accept* it.

DARIA: (completely ticked-off)  Now *wait* a minute --!

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (the kitchen)

(Shot of Quinn walking down the stairs, her hair back in perfect condition.
cut to shot of Jake standing in the kitchen, gulping down coffee, looking
about ready to leave.  Quinn comes up to the counter, wearing a mischievous
expression -- if Mom fawned all over her for saying "I love you," what
would *Dad* do???  leans toward Jake.)

QUINN:  Daddy?

(Jake gulps, briefly lowers mug from his lips.)

JAKE:  Yeah, honey?  (takes another swig)

QUINN: (pauses briefly, gears up)  Um, I just wanted to say how much I
(screws mouth to get out the words) *love*, um, you.

(Jake almost spits out the coffee.  He swallows hard.)

JAKE:  You *what*?!

(Quinn rolls her eyes.)

QUINN: (peevish)  I said I love you, Daddy.

(Jake's eyes bulge.  He lays down the mug, clasps his hands together.)

JAKE:  Aw *gee*, Quinn, do you really *mean* it?!  You really *love* me?!!

(Quinn pauses to consider.)

QUINN:  Uh... yes!

(Jake's overcome, misty-eyed.)

JAKE:  Aw gee, sweetie... (reaches toward Quinn)

(Quinn pulls away.)

QUINN:  Dad, *don't* touch the hair.

(Jake pulls back quickly.)

JAKE:  Oh of course, of course.  But -- oh geez, I'm *so* happy, I just
gotta do *something* to show you how --

(He reaches into his coat.  Quinn smirks expectantly as he pulls out his
wallet and looks inside.)

JAKE:  *Here*, take my gold card for the day!  (holds it out to Quinn)

(Quinn reaches for it.)

QUINN:  Thanks!!!

(Before she can get it, Jake grabs it back, puts it back in his wallet.
Quinn watches, disappointed.  Jake fiddles around in his wallet some more.)

JAKE:  On second thought... (takes another card, holds it out to Quinn.
her eyes practically pop out.) here's my platinum!  Buy that *magazine* subscription 
you wanted!(Quinn takes the card, stares at it worshipfully.)

QUINN:  *Thanks*, Daddy!!!  (to the card)  Ooh, I *love* you....

(Jake wipes away an imaginary tear.)

JAKE:  Aw gee, what a *great* way to start the morning!  What a *great* day
it's gonna be!  (as he says this, the sound of heavy thudding down the
stairs.  looks off screen)  Hey, Helen!  (sound of the front door slamming)

(Jake and Quinn look at each other with stunned expressions.  They then
look toward the stairs.  cut to close-up of stairs.  Daria slowly walks
down them, then stops.  She looks at the front door with a wilted
expression.)


****************
END OF ACT ONE

[Daria and Quinn practice in front of the bathroom mirror.]


***You are now entering commercial *HELL*.  Please keep your seat belt
securely fastened.  You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put
on television.***

1)  This isn't a *true* commercial, but it's the sponsor announcement they
sometimes make at the beginning of breaks: "MTV's too cool for school teen
Daria...."  Whenever I hear that, I think: what the hell have they been
*smoking*??  All Daria *does* is school -- without that, she'd just spend
the days in her room watching  "Sick Sad World."  Moreover, what kind of
message is that to send to young viewers... school's not *cool*, etc....?

2)  "Next Wednesday on the Ten Spot: Daria envisions her future life with
Trent, but reality threatens to get in the way... (shots of Daria and Trent
eyeing each other against a pink swirly backdrop, older version of
themselves talking with Jake and Helen)  Catch it next week on an all-new
'Daria.'"
[I put this second 'cause the dumb sponsor announcement usually comes first.]

3)  "Mommeeeeeeee, I want Focus Contact Lenses!"  Like, why would she think
her mother'd say *no* -- unless she had some valid medical reason??  And in
that case, she probably shouldn't even *get* the Focus Contact Lenses.  The
logic of this commercial always escapes me... especially the logic that has
them show it during "Through a Lens Darkly," in which Daria ultimately
*rejects* contact lenses....

***You are now leaving commercial *HELL*. Aren't you happy you survived?***


ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (Lawndale High, later that morning)

(Shot of Daria and Jane at their lockers.  Daria's slumped against hers,
telling Jane what happened earlier.  Jane's fiddling around in her locker.)

DARIA:  ...I just don't get it -- after *that* didn't work, I offered to
say it to her in Portuguese and Swahili.

JANE:  How 'bout English?  What would've been wrong with that?  (shuts locker)

(Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA:  Do *you* tell your mother you love her?

(Jane shrugs.)

JANE:  Nope.  (Bt)  Although maybe I *would* if she'd stay in town long enough.

(Daria can barely force a chuckle.  She looks down.  Jane watches her with
some concern.  Daria looks at her, her face about as upset as *she* could
get without bursting into tears and crying.)

DARIA: (quiet)  She told me I was *cold*, Jane.

JANE:  Aw, Daria, I'm sure she didn't mean it.  I'll bet she was just in a
*really* bad mood before you came in, and she took it out on you, that's
all.

DARIA:  Maybe...  (doesn't believe that, but is groping for anything
that'll make her feel better.  doesn't work.  sighs)  Or maybe she's
*right*.

JANE:  Daria, don't do this to yourself.

DARIA: (exasperated tone, angry at herself)  Well why *not*??  God, Jane,
if I can't even *say* the damn words --!

(She's been staring morosely off screen as she's said this.  She now sees
something and frowns.  We hear Quinn's muffled chatter off screen.  Daria
cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: (peevish)  Of course, *saying* them doesn't always mean you feel
them.  Sometimes people just *say* the words to see what they can *get* out
of it.

(Quinn and the Fashion Club walk in front of, past Daria and Jane.  pan the
shot to follow as they walk.  Quinn's holding out the platinum credit card
for all to see.  She and the other F.C.'s gaze at it greedily.)

QUINN: (chipper)  And so it, like, turns *out* that if you say "I love you"
to them they get all *gushy* and fall all over themselves to give you
things!

F.C:  Oooooh...

SANDI: (can't conceal her admiration)  *Great* discovery, Quinn.

STACY:  I'll have to try it on *my* parents.

QUINN: (instructional)  But not too much -- otherwise they'll get *used* to
it and the trick won't work anymore.

F.C:  Okay...

(Tiffany glances behind her and looks at Quinn.)

TIFFANY:  *Quinn*, how come your cousin, or whatever, is still at this
school?  (Bt)  I thought her *mom* was supposed to take her away.

QUINN: (nonchalant)  Oh, well, she would have, but the police tracked her
down 'cause it turned out she, like, *broke* parole.  Now she's in
solitary.   (She's still ticked-off at Amy for telling Helen that she's
been pretending Daria's her cousin.)

(Sandi tosses her hair and smirks.)

SANDI: (haughty)  *Good*.  There was just *something* I didn't *like* about
her.  (*She's* still ticked-off at Amy for mocking her at the Pizza King.)

STACY:  So what're you gonna *do* with the card, Quinn?

QUINN: ("duh" tone)  *Use* it, naturally.  Cashman's has a new line of
ribbed tops and my wardrobe could *stand* an updating from last week.

(Sandi stops abruptly, causing the other F.C.'s to do so as well.)

SANDI:  *Cashman's*?? (voice takes on authoritative mentor-mentee tone)
Quinn, *platinum* credit cards do not *happen* every day.  You need to
figure out how to take *advantage* of the situation.

QUINN: (thoughtful)  Hmm... you're *right*.  (Bt)  What d' you suggest I
do, Sandi?

SANDI: (obviously waiting for this moment)  *I* say this calls for a trip
(dramatic pause) to the Mall of the *Millennium*.

F.C:  Oh!  *Cool*!!!

QUINN:  But would we have *time*?  It's an awful long way, and if we left
after school --

(Sandi puts up a hand.  Quinn stops.)

SANDI:  Why wait 'til *after* school?  We could just *leave* right now --
(pause. goading)  unless you plan to go all *nerd* on us, Quinn, and not
want to cut class like *last* time.
[*] she's referring to Quinn's hesitation in "Rose-Colored Lenses"

(Quinn chuckles nervously -- she *is* hesitant.  Finally she sighs in an
amused "okay, okay" manner.)

QUINN:  I wouldn't do *that*, Sandi -- no *way*.  (Bt)  Platinum *does*
require a *holiday* from school... (eyes the credit card, smirks
mischievously)

SANDI:  With your *friends*.

(They *all* eye the card greedily.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (Helen's office)

(Close-up shot of Helen rapping a pen against her desk.  cut to wider shot.
Helen sits in her chair, wearing a pensive, distracted expression.  Her
eyes trail over to the phone.  Pause.  cut to close-up shot of the phone.
resume wide shot.  Helen stops rapping the pen, makes a sudden movement
toward the phone like she's going to pick it up.  Then, just as suddenly,
she stops.  She sinks back in her chair, her face taking on a depressed
expression.  cut to a wider shot of the office.  Marianne sits in the
foreground, typing away, while Helen's in the background.)

HELEN: (her usual crooning tone)  Marianne?  Could I speak to you for a
minute, please?

(Marianne stops typing.  Her face takes on a wary expression -- "What does
she want, *now*???"  She turns around and looks at Helen.)

MARIANNE:  Um, sure, Helen.  (scoots chair up to the other side of the
desk, across from her)  What do you... need?

(Helen assumes a serious demeanor.)

HELEN:  Dear, let's talk one-on-one for a moment, shall we?  Like old friends?

MARIANNE: (nodding)  Um... all right.  (expression flickers across her face
-- "Who's she trying to kid???")

HELEN:  Now, you're a mother, right?

MARIANNE: (nodding)  Um, yes. (Bt)  I've told you... many times...

HELEN: (not picking up on the bitter undertone)  And you have a daughter?

MARIANNE: (nodding)  Yes.

HELEN:  Do you and she get *along*?  Does she say "I *love* you" and act
glad to *see* you??  Does she tell you her problems without you having to
*drag* them out of her???

(Marianne blinks a few times, startled by all the questions.  starts to
answer: )

MARIANNE:  Um, I g--

HELEN: (rushing on)  Because sometimes I just don't know what to *do* with
Daria.  It's like she and I are in two *separate* universes, and hers has a
great big black *hole* in the middle that's sucking all the *life* out of
it.

MARIANNE:  Gee, it sounds --

HELEN: (rushing on)  I mean who'd've *thought* that a child of *mine* could
be so *cold* and heartless and *conceited* --

(Marianne regards her with a deadpan expression, as if to say, "A child of
*yours*??  What a surprise.")

HELEN: (rushing on)  And to *think* of *all* I've done for her -- all the
meetings I had to postpone so I could attend one of her little recitals,
all the evenings I've tried to plan --

(Marianne closes her eyes and shakes her head.  Helen doesn't notice --
she's off in her own world.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Lawndale High cafeteria, around noon)

(Shot of Jane and Daria walking to their usual table, carrying their usual
lunch.  Daria's still slumped over and looking depressed.)

JANE: (trying to lighten her mood)  C'mon, I would've thought that at least
Mr. DeMartino telling Kevin a fatal virus was chewing up his brain would've
cheered you up.

DARIA:  *Maybe* -- if yesterday he hadn't told him that if you lit a torch
in his mouth, you'd see smoke coming out of his ears.  The novelty wears
off pretty fast.

(They sit down.  Jane lays down her backpack on the seat and opens it.)

JANE:  Well then here, maybe *this'll* do the trick.  (takes out a sheet of
paper)  Trent's having me design a cover for Mystik Spiral's first album.

DARIA: (surprised)  So they've come up with a few more decent songs than
"*Ice* Box Woman"?

JANE:  No, but..... (shrugs.  then holds up the drawing in such a way that
we can't see what it looks like)  How does *this* strike you?

(Daria looks at it and frowns.)

DARIA:  *What* is it??

(Jane sighs, as if the answer's obvious.)

JANE:  It's a mystic *spiral*!

DARIA: (deadpan)  Ooh.  (Pause)  Well, I gotta hand it to you, Jane: you've
managed to capture perfectly something I didn't even know *existed*.

JANE:  I knew you'd go for it.  (Daria regards her with an impassive
expression.  Jane rolls her eyes.  grumble)  Aw, hell.  (crumples up the
paper)

(Daria smirks a "nice try."  Jane shrugs.  from off screen: )

JODIE:  Hey you guys!

(Daria and Jane look up at her.)

DARIA & JANE:  Hey, Jodie.

(Jodie stands over their table.)

JODIE:  Daria, I just wanted to tell you I thought your poetry reading in
O'Neill's class was really... um, interesting.

(Daria shrugs impassively.)

DARIA:  Yeah, well, it wasn't quite how I wanted.  I had to tone it down
from what it was originally.

JODIE:  Oh.  I see.  (her expression: "*That* was toned down???"  then
notices Daria isn't her usual self)  Hey, what's wrong?

(Daria sighs.)

JANE: (speaking before Daria can reply)  Daria had a fight with her mom and
now she's in the hotseat because she can't figure out how to tell her mom
she loves her.

DARIA: (glaring, sarcastic)  Gee *thanks*, Jane.  You know I could've told
Jodie this, myself (thought voice-over) if I'd felt like it was her
*business*.

JANE: (philosophical)  Hey, look, *I'm* not doing anything for you and you
can't go on being depressed like this.  Maybe Jodie can help.

(Jodie slides in next to Jane.)

JODIE:  Sure.  What d' you need?

(Daria pauses, debating whether to tell Jodie the details.  finally gives in.)

DARIA:  Who knows? -- maybe a blowtorch to thaw me out.  (sees Jane roll
her eyes in an "oh *come* on" manner.  looks at Jodie. continues, resigned)
*Or* some advice.  (Bt)  How do *you* tell your mom... you know...?

(Jodie pauses to think.)

JODIE:  Hmm, I'm not really sure.  I just sort of... say it.

(Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA:  Oh really?  (Bt)  And I suppose you say it *often*?

(Jodie shrugs.)

JODIE:  Well yeah, I guess.

(Daria's expression: "Gee, what a surprise.")

JODIE:  Why?  You don't?

(Daria shakes her head, looking gloomy.  Jodie glances at Jane with an "I
see what you mean" expression.)

JODIE: (reassuring)  Well, hey, that's nothing to be ashamed of.  Different
families show their love in different ways.

JANE:  And not saying "I love you" doesn't make you the ice queen.

(Daria looks a little less gloomy after these remarks, but still frustrated.)

DARIA:  Yeah, well maybe I'd believe that more if my mom didn't have me
feeling like I *owe* it to her to put on a big display.

JANE:  Hmm, yeah Helen's got some *interesting* ideas about parent-child
bonding.  I'll agree that she can be pretty tough to please.  (Bt. to
Jodie)  Hey, have you met Daria's mom?

(Jodie rolls her eyes in an amused manner.)

JODIE:  Oh *yeah*.  (Bt)  *My* mom calls her "the raving lunatic."
(momentarily forgot Daria, now looks at her, still amused and apologetic)
Oops, sorry -- I shouldn't've said that.

(Pause.  Daria wears an impassive expression.)

DARIA:  No.  (Bt)  She's right.

JANE & JODIE: (stunned)  Huh???

DARIA:  You're *both* right.  I mean, let's face it -- my mom's not exactly
an *easy* person to love.  (Bt)  Hell, maybe I'd've told her what she
wanted a long time ago if she'd've put down her *cell* phone long enough to
*listen*.

JODIE: (sympathetic murmur)  Hmmm...

DARIA: (continuing)  *Or* if her idea of bonding wasn't to take ten minutes
between meetings to drive us to the dentist.

JANE: (troubled by Daria's vehemence.  pacifying)  Aw come on now, Daria,
your mom's done some pretty cool stuff for you.

DARIA: (not placated)  Yeah, maybe *sometimes* -- but more often it's all
about what I can do for *her*, how I should be what she *wants* me to be.
And I am sick of it.

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Helen's office)

(Close-up shot of Marianne's face.  She looks as though she'd *really* like
to be someplace else right now.)

HELEN: (off screen) ... And would you *believe* I spent *thirty-six* hours
in labor with her -- thirty-six hours!!

(cut to wide shot.  Helen's ranting away -- has been nonstop since that
morning.)

HELEN:  And when she wouldn't come out, they had to *go* in after her!!  So
you see, even *then*, she was -- oh-oh! (remembers something)  Did I
mention that she never *once* gave me a birthday gift I could *use*?!

MARIANNE: (weary)  Yes, you did.  (Bt)  Twice.

HELEN: (surprised)  Oh.  (pauses to consider)  Well... then I guess I can't
think of anything else to tell you.  (glances at the clock)  Oh *my*!  Look
at the time.  (raises an eyebrow at Marianne)  Hadn't you better be getting
back to work, dear?  (says it like it was Marianne's idea to have this
conversation)

(Marianne nods wearily.)

MARIANNE:  Yes, of course.  (quickly leaves for her desk)

HELEN:  All right, then.

(She sighs, prepares to get down to business, then glances over at the
phone.  She gazes at it for a few seconds, then looks toward Marianne.)

HELEN: (friendly crooning)  Say, Marianne, do you have any sisters...?

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Mall of the Millennium, later that afternoon)

(Shot of the Fashion Club walking through the mall.  Quinn's dragging
behind, pulling a cart which contains a mountain of clothing bags.)

STACY:  What time is it?

QUINN: (a bit flat)  Getting late...

STACY:  I sure hope the limo driver's not mad at us for making him wait so
long.

QUINN: (can't hide her sarcasm)  Why *should* he be?  (mutters)  He's
getting *paid* by the *hour*.

SANDI:  Quinn, have we told you what a great *friend* you are for agreeing
to *pay* for the limo ride?

STACY & TIFFANY:  Yeah!  You're the *best*, Quinn!

QUINN: (peevish)  Yeah-yeah-yeah, I know.  (obviously this isn't the first
time they've said that.  Bt)  But, um, shouldn't we be heading *back* to
the limo, now?

SANDI:  In a minute. (wicked smirk)  There's just *something* I need to
*buy*.....

(fade-out.  fade-in to the counter of a clothing store.  Sandi and Quinn
stand beside it -- Sandi with a huge a stack of clothes.  cut to shot of
the clerk.  She holds Sandi's gold card and shakes her head.)

CLERK:  I'm sorry.  It's maxed out.

SANDI: (faux surprise)  *Bummer*.  (turns to Quinn)  And I was *so* looking
forward to *wearing* Gustape's new spring line.  If only.... (looks
suggestively at Quinn's purse)

(Quinn rolls her eyes.  Being no dummy [even if she acts like one], Quinn
*strongly* suspects that her friends have been taking the advice she gave
earlier to heart.  But because she's made a big deal about having the
platinum, she can't afford to act stingy.  She sighs, pulls out the credit
card, and hands it to the clerk.)

QUINN: (resigned)  *Here*, take this.  (clerk takes it)

(Sandi eyes Quinn with wicked satisfaction.)

(fade-out.  fade-in to shot of Sandi and Quinn leaving the store.  Stacy
runs up to them, looks at Quinn.)

STACY: (thrilled)  Quinn!  I just saw a banner that said on Level 8 Plaid,
there's a special on smiley-faced T-shirts!  Isn't that *great*?!  We could
be *twins*!!

QUINN: (can barely show any enthusiasm)  Oh, um, yeah.

STACY: (penitent)  Of course, the only problem's that I'm kind of
maxed out.  (looks down)

QUINN: (sarcastic)  Of *course*.  (Bt)  Listen, um, why don't you go on
ahead?  (gestures at her cart)  I'll catch up with you later.

STACY:  Great!  (Bt)  You're *such* a good friend, Quinn.

QUINN:  Yeah, yeah -- now *shoo*.

(Stacy nodded excitedly and dashes off.  pan over to Tiffany, coming out of
Goldsmith's Jewelers.  She wears a mischievous smirk.)

TIFFANY: (calling out)  Oh, *Quinn*!

(Quinn goes over to her.  Sandi, too busy admiring her new purchases, stays
behind.)

QUINN:  Yeah?

TIFFANY: (lowers her voice)  Quinn, have I ever told you that I think you'd
make a really great *president*?

(Pause.  Quinn looks at her, incredulous.  Then her face takes on a
calculating expression.)

QUINN: (faux nonchalance)  Oh really, Tiffany?  You think?

TIFFANY: (nodding)  Mmm-hmm.

(Pause.  Quinn gets a wicked smirk on her face.)

QUINN:  Gee, that's really nice of you to say.  (pretends to start new
conversation)  And you know, Tiffany, that *reminds* me: we're *really*
good friends, aren't we?

(Tiffany smirks)

TIFFANY:  Mmm-hmm.

QUINN:  And good *friends* get each other things -- *don't* they?

(Tiffany smirks harder.)

TIFFANY:  Mmm-hmm.

QUINN:  Why don't *I* get something for you, and (gives Tiffany a
suggestive look)  maybe *you* can give something to me -- down the road, I
mean.  Sound fair?

(Tiffany nods.)

TIFFANY:  Definitely.  (Bt.  glances back into the store, points)  In fact,
there's this necklace I saw that looked really *cute*, but....  (holds up
her gold card, shakes her head)

(Quinn glances in the direction where Tiffany's pointing -- from her POV,
everything's kind of blurry.  cut to close-up of the display with the
necklace Tiffany was referring to.  A sign overhead reads "$500."  resume
shot of Quinn and Tiffany.  Quinn can't read the sign, but too late --
she's already pulling out the platinum.  Wears a cheerful, wicked
expression.)

QUINN:  Don't worry -- consider it *my* treat.

(She and Tiffany exchange conspiratorial smirks.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (going home, late afternoon)

(Music plays.  shot of Daria walking down a residential street, still
looking gloomy.  She walks past chalk marks on the sidewalk that read
"Happy B-Day Mom."  Stops.  Looks at them, frowns with guilt.  Keeps
walking.  Soon after, she passes a flier on a telephone pole.  It reads,
"24 Hour Gift and Love Store: buy that special gift to let 'em know you
care."  Daria looks at it, frowns as if considering, then: )

DARIA: (disgust)  What a load of crap.  (frowns defiantly)

(cut to shot of Helen in her office, getting her things together, looking
about ready to leave.  She wears a pensive expression, moves slowly.)

(music ends.  fade-out.  fade-in to: )

SCENE 7 (Morgendorffer house, evening)

(Shot of outside.  cut to shot of the Morgendorffers at dinner.  Jake and
Quinn look cheerful, Helen and Daria *don't*.  Every so often, they eye
each other coldly, but are otherwise civil.  Jake is in the process of
wrapping up an enthusiastic monologue about his day at work.)

JAKE:  ... And to top it off, he says to me, "Jake m' man, I *love* your
style."  He loves my style!!!  Wow!  I never thought I'd hear *any* of my
clients mention that!  (to family)  Did you?!!

HELEN: (can't dredge up any enthusiasm)  No, dear.

DARIA:  Many things, but outfit coordination wasn't one of them.

(Helen eyes her with silent irritation.  Daria gives her the same look.
They're just waiting for the right moment to set each other off.)

JAKE:  Well anyway, that does it for *my* day.  How was yours?  (looks at
Quinn with a special "Daddy's little girl" smile)  Especially *yours*,
sweetie?

QUINN: (nonchalant)  Oh it was fine.  Just another average day.
(continues eating)

(Pause.  Daria looks at Quinn, frowns.  brief close-up Quinn's face --
she's wearing silver studs in her ears.)

DARIA: (sarcastic)  *Nice* earrings.

(Quinn continues to eat with an air of nonchalance.  Helen looks at her
earrings, also frowns.)

HELEN: (suspicious)  Yes, they *are* nice.  *Very* nice.

DARIA: (thought voice-over)  Well, well, she's actually *responding* to
something I've said.

HELEN:  Quinn, where did you get those?

QUINN:  Oh, I bought them.

JAKE: (enthused. cheerful)  Yeah, I gave her my *platinum* for the day.

(Pause.  Helen cocks a brow.)

HELEN:  *Did* you? (an edge in her voice)  And *why*, might I ask?

(Quinn says nothing, glances at Jake.  Jake looks as though he senses no
harm in what he did.)

JAKE: (sentimental)  *Helen*, when a little girl tells ya she *loves* you,
you just can't say *no* to her!

(Helen's brow is still cocked with irritation.)

HELEN: (sarcastic)  You *can't*??

(Jake now tugs at his collar, looking a bit nervous.  Meanwhile, Daria's
smirking in spite of herself -- "whoops, Dad and Quinn are in the
doghouse.")

JAKE:  Well I --

(Quinn turns to Jake.)

QUINN:  Oh, that reminds me, Daddy: when I give you back your platinum, you
may not want to use it right away.  Not 'til, you know, a few payments have
been made.

(Jake forgets about Helen momentarily, stares at Quinn with disbelief.)

JAKE: (slowly)  You mean to tell me... (explodes) you *maxed* out my
*platinum*??!!!

(Quinn tries to keep things under control.  holds up her hands in a "calm
down" gesture.)

QUINN:  *Maxed* out? (chuckles nervously)  *Dad*, that's such a *harsh*
word --

HELEN: (fuming)  *Funny*, it seems *appropriate* for the situation,
wouldn't you say???  (casts a look at Jake that says, "I *knew* you
couldn't handle this sort of thing on your *own*."  Jake slumps over,
looking penitent.)  *Quinn*, all the money you spent's coming out of your
glasses fund and *then* some!

QUINN:  *Hgh*.  (Bt. protesting. peevish tone)  But half the stuff I
bought's not even *mine*!!

JAKE & HELEN:  *What*??!

(Quinn cowers a little.)

QUINN:  Nothing, nothing...

(angry Pause.  Daria smirks at Quinn, cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: (to Quinn)  If I were you, I'd practice saying "I love you" in front
of the mirror a few more times.

(Helen forgets Quinn, turns to Daria, bristling.)

HELEN: (to Jake and Quinn)  Oh *well*!  *Look* who finally *said* the words!

DARIA: (frowning. defensive)  Hey, I said it in an abstract context,
completely *detached* from myself.

HELEN: (bristling)  I guess that's the only way you *can* say it!

DARIA: (glaring at her)  *Shut* up!

HELEN:  Don't you tell *me* to shut up, young lady --!

DARIA: (at the same time)  Hey, I'll tell you any *damn* time I want to --!

(Meanwhile, Jake and Quinn are exchanging bewildered looks.  Then Quinn
carefully takes off her earrings in order to divert attention from them.
Unfortunately for her, Helen happens to glance in her direction for a split
second and catch what she's doing.)

HELEN: (bristling)  Quinn, don't you even *try* to weasel your way out of
*this* one!

(Quinn slumps over, clutching the earrings.)

QUINN: (pleading)  But Mooo-- (sees Helen's glare, remembers last night.
tries desperately to limit it to one syllable) *Mom*, can't we work something
*out*??

HELEN:  *No* Quinn, not after what you did!  (to Jake)  And as for *you*,
it serves you *right*.  What were you *thinking*, rewarding Quinn with the
platinum just for saying she *loves* you??!

DARIA: (to Helen. sarcastic)  Oh, like that's so different from what
*you're* doing.

(Helen turns to Daria.)

HELEN:  And just *what* do you mean by that?!

DARIA:  I *mean* -- Quinn gave something tangible to Dad, so Dad returned
the favor.  You're making *me* give something tangible to you, even though
it goes against my nature, or else you'll --

HELEN: (exasperated)  Now come *on*!  You know you can't compare what *I*
ask of you to what *they* did!

(Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA:  Oh can't I, now?  (Bt)  Funny, you seem to be as much into *giving*
away gifts for good behavior as Dad.

(Helen appears to be geared-up to protest, but Daria rushes on before she can.)

DARIA: (continuing)  What about paying Quinn to wear her glasses??  What
about all the times you *bribed* us to do something for you??

(Helen is scowling, her teeth clenched, waiting for Daria to finish speaking.)

DARIA: (continuing)  And all because you don't know any *better* way to get
through to us.  Talking takes too much time, so you'd rather just take the
*easy* way out.

(Meanwhile, Jake and Quinn are cringing and glancing at each other uneasily.)

DARIA: (continuing)  And for that, I'm supposed to fall all over myself and
declare my love?  Well *forget* it.

(shot of the four Morgendorffers sitting at the table, surrounded by a
tense silence.  Daria and Helen glare at each other like two wolves ready
to attack.  Finally Helen breaks the silence: )

HELEN: (quiet. cold)  I don't have to *listen* to this.

(Daria backs out her chair, stands up.)

DARIA:  *Fine*.  (shoves the chair into the table hard)  Then I'll just go
to my room.  *I* want to be the one to slam the door *this* time around.
(she leaves)

(Helen watches her go with stony silence.  long Pause.  Quinn glances at
her parents, sees that Jake is stunned and that Helen is focused on Daria.
Slowly, very quietly, she backs out her chair.  Slowly, very quietly, she
stands up.  Is about ready to slip away, when suddenly Jake and Helen jerk
their heads in her direction.)

JAKE & HELEN:  Sit *down*!!!!!

(Quinn cowers a little, then sinks into her chair.  Pause.  sound of door
slamming off screen.  Quinn slumps forward.)


****************
END OF ACT TWO

[Quinn and the Fashion Club walk through the Mall of the Millennium.]


***You are now entering commercial *HELL*.  Please keep your seat belt
securely fastened.  You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put
on television.***

1)  The AT&T commercial that features David Arquette acting like a
goofball, chanting C-A-L-L  A-T-T,  C-A-L-L  A-T-T...  Right, like that's
*really* gonna make me want to get their long-distance service....

2)  "Phantom Menace" *anything*, be it restaurant tie-ins, toy commercials,
you name it.  That movie's just come out, and already I feel like it's
overstayed its welcome....

3)  Bioré nose strips for blackheads (i.e: you put a strip on your nose,
rip it off, and blackheads all gone).  As Quinn would say:  Ewwwwwwww!!!

***You are now leaving commercial *HELL*. Aren't you happy you survived?***


ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (going to school/work the next morning)

(Shot of the morning sky.  ominous-sounding music starts playing.  cut to
shot of rolling sidewalk.  pan upward to reveal a frontal shot of Daria
walking.  She's bent forward and scowling, her fists are clenched.  She
looks like she's ready to mow people over.)

(cut to frontal shot of the hood of Helen's SUV.  pan upward to show Helen
tensed-up at the wheel, looking like she's ready to do the same thing.)

(cut to a diagonal shot of a street without a crosswalk.  Like Quinn in
"Rose-Colored Lenses," Daria walks across the street, oblivious.  Two cars
come at her from opposite directions -- she jerks out her hands in a "stop"
motion.  The cars screech to a halt.  She walks on.)

(cut to frontal close-up Helen.  She jerks the steering wheel hard to the
left.  cut to wide shot.  The SUV careens across three freeway lanes
*without* signaling.  sounds of honking from other cars.)

(cut to close-up of a newspaper lying on the sidewalk, near a walkway.  A
man is reaching down to pick it up.  Daria comes along and kicks it away
before he can.  The man gazes at her, stunned.  Daria walks on.)

(cut to side close-up of Helen's front bumper tailgating another car.
sounds of honking.  cut to side close-up Helen, doing her best Jake
imitation.  She's yelling and pumping her fist at the other cars.)

HELEN:  You don't *like* that, do you?!!  *Oh* well, *poor* baby!  If you
can't play with the *big* boys, get out of the *game*!!!

(cut to close-up of the flier for the "24 Hour Gift and Love Store" on the
telephone pole.  Daria yanks it off, tears it up, flings the pieces to the
ground, and walks on.)

(cut to shot of Helen's SUV approaching an intersection with a red light.
She ignores the light and barrels through, narrowly missing two cars coming
from other directions.  sounds of *loud* honking.)

(cut to shot of Jane coming down the sidewalk of her house. sees Daria.)

JANE:  Hey, Darrrrr-- (head turns slowly as she watches Daria walk past,
oblivious) --iiiiiiia?

(cut to wide shot of Helen's SUV hurtling into a parking space, in such a
way that she takes up *two* spaces.  She stops the car. gets out. slams the
door.  walks away, doesn't look back.)

(music ends.  abrupt sound of a bell ringing ushers in the next scene: )

SCENE 2 (O'Neill's class)

(Close-up shot of a pencil lying on the ground, near one of Daria's boots.
cut to a wider shot of Brittany crawling over to pick it up.  As she does
so, she feels an unkind presence hovering overhead. looks up.  cut to
Brittany's POV -- Daria is gazing down at her with a menacing glare.
resume wider shot.  Brittany freaks out, drops the pencil.)

BRITTANY:  *Eap*!!  (runs to Kevin's desk, huddles against him)  Kevvy, I'm
*scared*!

KEVIN:  Don't worry, babe:  *I'll* protect you.  (looks at Daria. shudders)
*Ugh*.

(cut to shot of Jane and Jodie standing by the doorway, watching all this
take place.)

JODIE: (hushed)  Oh boy.

JANE: (hushed)  Yeah, you said it.

(cut to frontal shot of Daria at her desk.  She sits rigidly upright, her
hands clamped together.  She stares straight ahead, glaring like a
predator.  Jane slides into her desk next to Daria's. leans toward her.)

JANE: (pacifying)  Daria?  It's *me*, your friend Jane.  Remember?  Your
*friend*??

DARIA:  Mmmmrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...  ("I have *no* friends.")

(Jane backs off.)

JANE:  O-kay.  (Bt)  I'll just leave you alone for a while.  Maybe your
anger'll get pushed aside by some good ol' fashioned *boredom*.

(As she says this, we see a silhouette of Mr. O'Neill pass into the
foreground.  cut to frontal shot of O'Neill standing before the class.)

O'NEILL:  Class?  I'm afraid we have to bid farewell to our segment on
poetry from life in order to *vault* into the illustrious world of
Elizabethan England.  We're doing *Shakespeare*!

(cut to shot of the class.  *No* response.  Daria looks as angry as ever.
resume shot of O'Neill, oblivious.)

O'NEILL:  We'll start our journey with the Bard by looking at one of his
most famous plays -- King *Lear*!  (Bt)  The story of a dutiful daughter
who risks *everything* for her beloved parent.  O what courage!  (wipes
away an imaginary tear)

(cut to shot of the class.  Still no response.  Then Daria, in the
foreground, slowly raises her hand.)

DARIA:  Um, *excuse* me?

O'NEILL:  Yes, Daria?

DARIA:  This *sounds* familiar.  Haven't we gone over this before?
[*] see "Ill"

O'NEILL: (reflective)  Hmm, I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

DARIA: (an edge in her voice)  What's to understand?  We already *did* the
damn play.

(O'Neill looks at her, startled.  Daria scowls.)

DARIA: (irritated)  Only it was from the angle of King Lear -- arrogant,
proud, vain, thuggish *jerk* who couldn't handle his daughter thinking
differently from him, so he banished her and paved the way for her
eventual, untimely death.

(Pause)

O'NEILL: (flustered)  My, my, Daria... you certainly, um, have a good memory.

DARIA:  Yeah, well that makes *one* of us.  (Bt)  Of course, maybe if
Lear's daughter hadn't been such a big *idiot* and left France to help her
dad, she wouldn't've died.  What courage.

(long Pause.  O'Neill can't speak -- he can only gaze at Daria with the
same stunned expression.  Meanwhile, the other students sit there, silent
and a little fearful.  Jane claps a hand to her forehead.  Finally O'Neill
gets his act together: )

O'NEILL:  Well, I, uh... (gives up.  pleading)  Aw please, could you just
*humor* me a little??  The school's budget got cut thirty percent this year
and we have to reuse *all* our old materials!

(Daria's eyes narrow into thin slits, and her lips press together in one
line, thus giving her response.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (hallway after class)

(Shot of Daria and Jane walking out of the classroom.  Daria is still
glowering.)

JANE:  So, have you gotten it all out of your system??

DARIA:  *No*.  (Pause.  sighs.  slightly mollified tone)  Geez, you know I
never thought my mom could *get* to me this way.

JANE: (sympathetic)  Yeah.  Guess you're not a self-contained unit after
all, huh?

(Daria shakes her head.  They walk past Quinn and the Fashion Club without
noticing them, exit off screen right.  Meanwhile, Quinn is about to appeal
to the hearts and minds of her "friends."  She wears a beseeching
expression.)

QUINN:  Um, guys, so... how're you liking your things?

(Stacy's wearing a smiley-faced T-shirt similar to Quinn's.  Tiffany wears
the necklace.)

STACY & TIFFANY:  Oh, we love 'em!/  They're great!/  Thanks so much!

SANDI:  *Quinn*, you really came *through* for us yesterday.

STACY & TIFFANY:  *Yeah*!

(Pause.  Quinn looks mildly uncomfortable and resigned.)

QUINN:  Um, well, that's *great*.  I'm really glad I could help 'n' all, but
there are... *problems*.

F.C:  Oh?

QUINN:  Yeah, um, my parents kind of *hit* the *roof* last night when they
learned that I'd maxed out my dad's platinum.  (Bt)  So, I was thinking,
as *friends* --

(The F.C.'s look at her with impassive expressions.)

QUINN: -- maybe you could sorta *help* me out by returning the stuff I
bought for you???  (gazes at them pleadingly)

(Pause.  Sandi and Tiffany remain impassive, while Stacy's eyes widen in a
way that suggests she's about to start hyperventilating.  Finally Sandi
speaks: )

SANDI: (faux apologetic)  Gee, *Quinn*, I would love to help you *out*, but
I, um, spilled *soda* all over my new clothes.  So I can't return them.

QUINN: (a bit skeptical)  You couldn't *wash* it out??

SANDI:  Oh, it's the kind that doesn't *wash* out.

QUINN:  Oh.  (Pause.  peevish. skeptical)  So *somehow* you managed to
spill soda on *all* your outfits??

SANDI: (picking up on Quinn's tone. haughty)  Hey, *Quinn*, do I get on
*your* case about how you spill *sunflower* seeds on the rug whenever you
*eat* them?

QUINN: (contrite)  No, Sandi.

SANDI:  Then maybe you should *think* before you criticize the eating
habits of *others*.  I mean, why make me feel *bad* about myself?

QUINN:  You're right, I'm sorry.  (turns to Stacy)  So, um, Stacy?

(Stacy's mildly hyperventilating.  Quinn ignores it.)

QUINN: (continuing)  Y' know, it's *cool* you wanna *dress* like me 'n' all,
but (spreads her arms out) I'm a one-of-a-kind original, and any form of
imitation comes across as a cheap copy.  So what d' we say --

STACY: (trembling, hyperventilating. crushed)  So you don't *want* me to be
like you, Quinn??  You don't want me around you at *all*??!

(Quinn sighs, exasperated.)

QUINN:  *No*, I didn't say you couldn't be around -- (waves her hands)
*ugh* forget it!!  Just keep the *freakin'* T-shirts, okay?!

(Stacy nods.  Quinn turns her attention to Tiffany.)

QUINN:  Now, Tiffany, (lowers her voice) yours was the most *expensive* of
all the stuff I bought....

(Tiffany looks at Quinn innocently.)

QUINN: (continuing)  And so, I was thinking, as a *friend*, you'd really be
doing me a *huge* favor if you, um, *returned* it.

(Tiffany looks at Quinn with vague surprise.  Quinn, remembering their
deal, makes "Ix-nay" gestures.)

QUINN: (hushed)  Not, of course, like I couldn't buy you *another* gift, a
*less* expensive one....

TIFFANY: (faux reluctance)  But Quinn, I thought *this* was a token of our
friendship.  It really means a lot to me.  (fingers the necklace)

(Quinn throws her hands in the air.)

QUINN: (irritated)  And I *don't*?!

(Tiffany shrugs with indifference.)

QUINN:  I can't *believe* this!!  My parents are gonna *kill* me!  What's
the point of having me as a friend if I'm *dead*??!

SANDI: (smirking)  Well let's put it *this* way, Quinn: at least we'll have
something to *remember* you by.

(Quinn glares at her, unleashes a huge groan of rage, and stomps away
off screen.  The F.C.'s watch her go.  Stacy's stopped hyperventilating,
looks contrite.)

STACY:  Guys, maybe we *should* just return the stuff.

(Sandi and Tiffany give her the evil eye.)

SANDI:  Did someone *say* you could speak??

(Stacy cowers a little.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Helen's office)

(Shot of Helen sitting at her desk.  She's not working, *again* -- highly
unusual.  She wears a stormy expression, and is rapping her pen against the
desktop the way she was the day before. As she does so, she glances at
family photos at the edge of her desk.  cut-to close-up of the photos:
they're the ones we've seen in "Daria!"  We now see Helen's hand reach into
the shot and, with the pen, swat Daria's photo face-down.  resume wide
shot.  Helen returns to beating the pen against her desk, but then, after
several seconds, stops.  Looks at the photo with a contrite expression.
cut to close-up of photos.  Helen reaches over and slowly puts Daria's up
in the correct position.  resume wide shot.  She looks at the photo, then
sinks back in her chair and stares into space.  Pause.  We now see Marianne
rush on screen.  Helen does, too.  Her face brightens.)

HELEN: (normal cheery tone)  Oh, Marianne??

(Marianne rushes past her.)

MARIANNE:  Can't talk now, Helen -- work, work, work!  (disappears off screen)

(Helen sinks down lower in her chair and sighs.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (bathroom at Lawndale High, around noon)

(Outside shot of the school.  cut to inside shot of the bathroom.  Daria
and Jane stand in front of the mirror.  Jane's showing Daria another
illustration, holding it in such a way that, again, we can't see what's on
it.)

JANE:  So, do you think flesh-eating skeletons scream *Mystik Spiral*?

(Pause.  Daria looks at the illustration, frowning with thought.)

DARIA:  Well, considering the band has no *other* image worth mentioning, I
guess death and cannibalism is a start.

JANE:  I'll put it on the "maybe" pile.  (tucks it into her backpack)

(Pause.  Daria looks into the mirror, changes the subject.)

DARIA:  Hey, Jane?

JANE:  Yeah?

DARIA: (slowly. reflective)  You know, my rant in O'Neill's class got me
thinking.  (Bt)  I wouldn't be so bent-out-of shape about my mom if I
didn't feel... (blushes, looks down)

JANE: (sensing what she's going to say.  gentle coaxing)  Yeah?

DARIA:  Well, if I didn't feel, um, like she does do... stuff for me.

JANE: (faux nonchalance)  You don't say.

DARIA: (nodding)  Yeah.  (Bt)  Like all those times she's given me advice
about being more open-minded, like with the contact lenses or that story I
had to write last year.

JANE:  You're referring to that annoying, intrusive advice you usually hate?

(Daria lets out a chuckle and rolls her eyes.)

DARIA:  Yeah, that advice I usually hate.  (Pause. reflective)  Although
now that I think about it, maybe it's really not so bad.  (Bt)  I guess
having my mom be mad at me's brought home the fact that... (looks down
again)  I sort of *do* care about her opinions.

JANE: (comprehending murmur)  Hmm...

DARIA: (continuing)  And I don't know... I'm starting to think that maybe
she does deserve to hear me tell her so.  (Pause.  looks like she's going
to say something else, then sighs with frustration.)

JANE: (understanding the source of Daria's frustration. gentle)  So have
you figured out *how*?

(Daria shakes her head.)

DARIA:  No.  All I know is that I can't say that *thing* my mom wants me to
say.

JANE: (supportive)  Well let's see, then, if we can't find some *other* way
for you to express yourself.

(Daria nods emphatically.)

DARIA:  Yeah.  *My* way.

(She and Jane both concentrate, their faces taking on slight frowns. long
Pause.  Then Jane's face brightens with an idea.)

JANE:  Hey, what about making one of those photo collages -- the kind that
have hidden messages in them like "peace" and "Paul McCartney is gay."

(Daria cocks a bemused eyelid.)

DARIA:  Nice idea, but a photo collage isn't *me*.  (Pause)  I'd probably
be better off if I *wrote* something for her.

JANE:  Yeah, now *there* you go -- you could give her one of your classic
stories.  Or better yet, a poem.  A *nice* one, though, not like the kind
you read in class....

(Suddenly, Daria's face takes on a look of realization.)

DARIA:  Hey, that's *it*.  (Bt.  glances at Jane's backpack, turns to her
slowly)  Jane, would *Trent* be at home right now?

(Jane utters a short laugh.)

JANE:  Probably -- where *else* would he be.  (Bt)  Why?

(Daria smirks.)

DARIA:  I'm just starting to feel very *sick*, that's all.  I think Trent
might have a cure for me *and* my problem.

(Pause.  Jane suddenly gets it.  smirks conspiratorially at Daria.)

JANE:  If I were you, I'd fake cramps instead.  They'll let you out of
here, no questions asked.

DARIA:  Consider it done.

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (Daria getting out of school/ going to the Lanes')

(Music plays.  shot of the hallway and the door to the nurse's office.
Daria walks up to the door normally, then suddenly grabs her groin and
staggers into the office.  fade-out.)

(fade-in to wide outside shot of the Lanes' house.  Daria's walking down
the sidewalk, turning up the walkway.)

(music continues to play as we cut to: )

SCENE 7 (Helen's office, late afternoon)

(Shot of Helen as she was earlier -- sitting at her desk and staring into
space.  music ends with the abrupt ring of the telephone.  Helen sits up
straight, makes a jerking noise like she's going to lunge for it.  Then she
relaxes, as though she knows it's not going to be who she *wants* it to be.
After a few rings, she calmly picks it up.)

HELEN: (neutral tone)  Hello?

(Pause.  Then we hear a male voice on the other end which we'd probably
*recognize*.)

GUY:  Uh, hi, is this Helen Morgendorffer?

(Helen frowns slightly, a bit suspicious -- it could be a potential client,
but it sounds like another telemarketer.)

HELEN:  *Yes*, and *who* may I ask is calling??

(brief Pause)

GUY:  Look, you've probably never heard of me, but I'm Joel Silverman, your
sister Amy's... friend.

(Helen looks startled.  She can't speak for a few seconds.  then: )

HELEN:  Why yes I *have* heard of you -- she mentioned you while she was
here.  (voice takes on a note of alarm)  What -- is something *wrong* with
Amy???

(cut to shot of Joel, sitting in what looks like another office chair, his
feet up on a desk, legs crossed.)

JOEL:  No, no -- she hasn't dropped dead or anything.  No sudden illnesses,
either.  (Bt)  But... she's not exactly all *right*.

(cut to shot of Helen, looking curious and somewhat disturbed.)

HELEN:  What do you mean??

(split screen diagonal, Helen on the left, Joel on the right.)

JOEL:  I mean she's been really *down* since she came back from visiting
you -- hasn't been herself at all.

HELEN: (stunned and disquieted at the thought of her sister being "down")
She hasn't??

JOEL:  Nope.  (Bt)  And because that's the case, I've been dying to know:
just what exactly went *on* that weekend??

HELEN: (tries to sum it up)  I, well, I.... (voice suddenly takes on a
suspicious tone)  *Why*, what has *she* told you??  Because *let* me say
that there are *two* sides to every story, and *I* think she was way, way,
*way* more at fault than I was!

(Pause)

JOEL:  She hasn't told me *anything*.  (Bt. a bit flat)  She doesn't *talk*
about stuff like this.  That's why I'm calling you.

(Pause.  Helen looks chastened.)

HELEN:  Oh.  (Pause. tries again to sum up what happened)  Well, then...
let me see... I, well it *started* when... (gives up. sighs)  I'm sorry,
Joel -- I can't go into it.  It's just too *complicated*.

JOEL: (subtle disappointment)  Hmm, I see discretion runs in the family.

HELEN: (sympathetic murmur)  Hmm-hmm.  (Bt)  Um, so does Amy know you're
calling me now?  How did you *find* this number?

JOEL:  No, she doesn't know I'm calling.  And I'd kinda rather she *not*
know, if that's all right.  I don't want her to find out I sneaked through
her address book to look you up.

(Helen's expression appears touched as he says this.)

JOEL: (continuing)  I know, I know, I shouldn't've done it, but I was
worried about her.

HELEN: (reflective murmur)  Hmmmm... (Pause)  Well, I must say, Joel, she's
*very* lucky to have you to look out for her like that.

JOEL:  Thanks. (utters a short laugh)  I just wish I could've been more help.

(Pause)

HELEN: (sober)  Actually, you *have* been a lot of help -- more than you
realize.  (Bt)  And trust me, Joel: this will *all* get cleared up before
long.

JOEL:  I can only hope.  (Bt)  Anyway, it was nice talking to you, Helen.
Glad Amy remembered to mention me.

HELEN: (somewhat absently)  *Yes*, it was nice talking to you, too.
(Pause)  Goodbye.

(cut to full screen of Helen.  She hangs up the phone, a thoughtful look on
her face.)

(fade-out.  fade-in to: )

SCENE 8 (going home, evening)

(Contemplative music plays.  shot of the Lanes' house from the outside.
cut to inside shot of downstairs hallway.  Trent's walking Daria to the
door.  Daria's about to cross the threshold, when suddenly she stops and
turns to look at Trent.)

DARIA: (serious)  Now I'm counting on you to remember this stuff, so do you
have it down?

TRENT:  Hey, don't worry, it's cool.  I got it *all* right up here.  (taps
his head)

(Pause.  Daria cocks an eyelid.  She then reaches into her jacket and pulls
out a piece of paper.)

DARIA:  Well, um, just in case, here's *this*.  (hands him the paper)

(Trent takes it and examines it with interest.)

TRENT:  Oh yeah -- so *that's* how the first line goes.

(Daria shakes her head, walks out the front door.  fade-out.)

(fade-in to a frontal close-up of Helen driving the SUV.  She's wearing the
same thoughtful expression she was wearing earlier, after her conversation
with Joel.  cut to wide shot of the SUV approaching the Morgendorffers'
house.  fade-out.)

(fade-in the frontal close-up of Daria walking down the sidewalk, on her
way home.  She also seems to be deep in thought, frowning slightly.  cut to
wide shot of the Morgendorffer house.  We see that the SUV has already
arrived and is parked in the driveway.  Daria turns up the walkway and
heads for the front door.)

(music ends.  cut to: )

SCENE 9 (Morgendorffer house)

(Shot of the door as seen from the inside.  Daria opens and closes it, then
wipes her forehead in an exhausted manner.  She lifts her sleeve to glance
at her watch.)

DARIA: (to herself)  'Kay, he should be here pretty soon.  (Bt)  I *sure*
hope this works.

(She walks up the stairs.  cut to shot of the top of the stairs and the
hallway.  Daria reaches the top, starts to walk down the hall.  She's still
lost in thought, not paying attention to her surroundings.  Suddenly she
bumps into Helen, coming from the opposite direction, similarly
preoccupied.  They both go "oomph!" and step back to look at each other,
wearing startled, awkward expressions.)

DARIA:  Oh... I... um...

HELEN: (at the same time)  I-well, I...

(They both see that the other's demeanor has noticeably softened since last
night.  Finally Helen put her hand up in a signal for Daria to stop
talking.)

HELEN: (serious)  *Daria*, let me speak to you for a moment, will you?  I
have a lot I need to get off my chest.

(Daria nods.)

DARIA:  Okay.

(Helen twists her hands together, lets her eyes drift around.  Wears an
uncomfortable expression.)

HELEN:  I just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about my
attitude these past few days, and...

(Daria watches her with a neutral expression.)

HELEN: (continuing, deeply contrite)  I realize that I've been rather
unfair to you.  I've been expecting you to make some *grandiose* statement
about how much you love me, when in fact that's not your way and never has
been.

(Daria's face takes on a look of surprise.)

HELEN: (continuing)  *Your* way has always been to express yourself through
the subtle approach, and I guess, in *all* my hurt feelings, I forgot that
that... could be just as good.  (Pause.  looks at Daria)  So, even if you
don't accept my apology, I just wanted to say... I'm sorry.

(Pause.  Daria wears the same surprised expression and can't speak for a
few seconds.  Then the surprise fades from her face and she smirks a
little.)

DARIA:  It's okay -- I guess I can't blame you for *doubting* me.
Sometimes I could stand to be a little more obvious.  (Pause)  Like last
night (looks down, blushes)  when I said that stuff at dinner....

(Helen watches her with a receptive expression.)

DARIA: (continuing)  It wasn't the *whole* truth, believe me.  (Bt)  And
what's more, it was kind of mean and I should kind of, um, apologize.

(She glances Helen, looking contrite.  Pause.  Then Helen smiles faintly
and gives a conciliatory nod.  Daria smirks faintly with relief.)

DARIA: (continuing. frank)  Look, Mom, the truth is that I don't *know* why
I can't say the stuff you want me to say.  Maybe it's just some phase I'm
going through that I'll outgrow, who knows?  (Bt)  But even though I can't
say the words right now, I do... (looks down, blushes again) *think* them,
sometimes.

(Pause)

HELEN: (warmly)  I know you do, honey.  I believe you.

(Pause)

DARIA: (surprised)  You do??  (Pause)  Um, that's great.

(Pause.  She and Helen look at each other.)

DARIA:  I guess this pretty much nullifies the song, then.

HELEN:  Song??

(sound of doorbell ringing off screen.  Helen looks questioningly at Daria.
Daria nods her head in a "follow me" manner.  They go downstairs.)

(cut to shot of the front door.  Quinn dashes over to it, followed by Jake.
She opens the door, and we see Trent standing there, holding a guitar case.)

JAKE:  Hey!  It's m' man, Trent!

TRENT:  Hi, Mr. Morgendorffer.  Hi  (looks at Quinn, can't remember her
name)  you.

QUINN:  What're *you* doing here??  (scrunches her nose as she says this,
as if it's beyond her why an *uncute* guy would come to her house)

TRENT:  Oh, well I --

DARIA: (off screen)  Here, let *me* explain.

(pan to shot of her and Helen coming from the stairs.  Daria walks over to
Trent and stands next to him.  He greets her with a crooked smile.)

TRENT:  Hey, Daria.

DARIA: (calmly)  Hey, Trent.  (having spent hours with him, she no longer
shows any lingering signs of shyness)

TRENT:  So where d' you want me to set up?

DARIA:  How 'bout just over there?  (points to the living room)

(Trent saunters inside, heads toward the living room.  Helen eyes Daria
with extreme curiosity.)

HELEN:  Daria, what *is* this??

DARIA:  You'll see.  Just sit down, and I'll tell you everything.

(cut to shot of the couches.  Helen and Jake go sit down on the center
couch, while Quinn slides onto the left hand one, next to them.  Trent is
already parked on the coffee table, opening his guitar case.  Daria comes
over and stands next to him, looks out at her family.)

DARIA:  Okay, let me just say that this afternoon, I got it in my head that
a *certain* member of this family (brief close-up Helen, wearing a "Who
me?" expression) deserved a show of appreciation for all that she's done for
me.  So I went over to Trent's place and we put together a song.

TRENT:  Yeah, it's pretty damn good if I do say so, myself.  (chuckles, coughs)

(Daria smirks at him, flattered.  Turns again to look at family.)

DARIA:  So now he's come over to play it for all of you.  (Bt. backs away,
toward the stairs)  Meanwhile, I'll just be up in my room.  You can tell me
how you liked the song after it's over -- if you choose to do so.  (starts
to leave)

JAKE & HELEN: (amused protests)  Oh *come* on, Daria/ Stay here 'n' listen
with us.

(Daria stops and rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: (deadpan)  Must I?  (Bt)  Being the center of attention goes against
my nature.

HELEN: (amused. firm)  Well you can put *aside* your nature for a *few*
minutes, can't you??

(Daria sighs, smirks)

DARIA:  Hell, why not?

(She goes and sits down on the couch next to Quinn.)

(cut to close-up Trent.  He takes out his guitar, strums a few chords.
Clears his throat, coughs.)

TRENT:  Now the name of this song is... (frowns.  looks at Daria)  what's
it called again?

DARIA:  "Through Rhyme."  (vague alarm creeping in)  Are you sure you can
do this??

TRENT: (picking up on her fear. "calm down")  Yeah, yeah, it's cool.  I got
it.  (clears his throat again)  "Through Rhyme" -- nice.

(He strums a few more practice chords, then launches into a haunting melody.
As he plays and sings the song, we see various shots of him -- a wide shot,
a close-up of his face, a close-up of his hand strumming the guitar, a back
shot, et cetera.)


I know it's pretty easy,
To assume I'm not aware.
You feel you've tried to please me,
And believe I just don't care.

Well I don't know how to say it,
But I've known it all the time.
So instead I'll have to play it,
And share my thoughts through rhyme.

(strums a few repeat chords, then: )

There's no point in me lying,
There's a feeling that's inside.
It's one I've tried denying,
But I've found it will not hide.

And this feeling, I can't fight it,
'Cause it's growing every day.
So I guess I'll have to write it,
And let it show some way.

And what this feeling means,
I can't foresee.
It's a feeling that I can't describe.
One thing that I'll say is
It's changed me in some way,
And has caused me to see
How you've grown on me.

(At this point, pan over the four Morgendorffers listening to the song.
Jake and Helen are enraptured.  Quinn is also focused on Trent, and wears a
blank expression.  Daria sits as far away from her family as possible,
trying to look as uninterested as possible.)

Well now that it's all open,
There's nothing left to do,
Except maybe some hoping that
It's the start of something new.

And that maybe somehow one day,
When we feel the time is right,
We'll express our thoughts a new way,
And bring our selves to light.

(hushed)

Well I can't go any longer.
I'm afraid I can't pretend.
The rest we'll have to wait and see,
So this song has reached an end.

And I don't know how to say it,
But I thank you for your time.
So instead I'll have to play it,
And share my thoughts through rhyme.

Well I don't know how to say it --
So instead I'll have to play it --

There's a feeling, I can't fight it --
So I guess I'll have to write it --

Well I don't know how to say it,
Though perhaps some day I will.
But for now I'll have to play it,
And show I'm with you, still.....


(Trent hits a final, decisive note and bows his head.  He then glances up a
little to see the reactions.  Looks at Daria.)

TRENT:  That okay?

(Before responding, Daria turns to see her parents' reactions.  Helen and
Jake look as though they've been desperately trying to hold back tears --
and now, suddenly, they burst.  They grab each other and start sobbing.)

TRENT: (cocking a bewildered eyebrow at them)  Whoa.  (Bt. to Daria)  Is
this the response you wanted?

(Daria looks at her parents, also bewildered.)

DARIA:  I'm not sure. (shrugs)  But I guess it's close enough.

(Quinn, who's also been watching Helen and Jake, now turns to Daria,
glowering.)

QUINN: (irritated)  *Dammit*, Daria, could you make me look any *worse* in
front of Mom and Dad?!

(Daria smirks at her.  Quinn sinks into a pouty pose.  Trent looks at Daria
with a vaguely admiring expression.)

TRENT:  You know, you're a pretty good song writer.  Mystik Spiral could
use someone like you.

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid)  An interesting suggestion.  (thought
voice-over)  And if underwater basket-weaving and professional wrestling
don't pan out, I might consider it.

(Helen now breaks away from Jake and leans toward Trent, wiping her eyes.)

HELEN:  Young man, *thank* you for coming over and playing that for us.
(eyes Daria)  It was beautiful.

(Daria rolls her eyes and blushes.)

TRENT:  Hey, no problem.  Maybe you could spread the word to your friends
about Mystik Spiral.  We do parties, even for folks *your* age.  (lays
guitar back in its case, closes it)  Although we're thinking about changing
our name.

(Trent gets off the coffee table, guitar case in hand, and starts walking
toward the door.  As he's doing so, Quinn's face suddenly brightens.)

QUINN:  Hey, I was just thinking: maybe *I* should write a song!

DARIA: (deadpan)  What a *great* idea.  I suggest you get started.

(Quinn looks pointedly at Trent.)

QUINN: (sing-songy)  Oh, Tre-ent...

(Trent gazes at her blankly.  Daria smirks at him with sympathy, then turns
to glance at her parents.  She catches Helen looking at her.  For a few
seconds, she returns the gaze.  Then she glances away, blushing.)

DARIA: (muttering thought voice-over)  Damn, I knew I should've just gotten
her something from the 24 Hour Gift and Love Store.

(But she can't really complain -- all is right with the world once again.)

(fade-out.  fade-in to: )

SCENE 10 (Morgendorffer house, late evening)

(Close-up shot of the telephone in the kitchen.  Helen approaches it
hesitantly, then stops. looks at it. does a few Zen breathing exercises.
Then she grabs the phone and punches a few buttons, including autodial,
before she can change her mind.  Puts the phone against her ear.)

HELEN: (muttering. to an invisible person)  All right, you owe me *big* for
this one.

(cut to close-up shot of Amy's phone.  It starts ringing.  We see Amy
reaching for it -- she's been reading and lying in pretty much the same
pose as she was in "Through a Lens Darkly."  She eyes the phone hesitantly
for a couple of seconds, then clicks it on and puts it against her ear.)

AMY:  Hello?

(cut to split screen diagonal, Amy on the right, Helen on the left.)

HELEN: (serious)  Amy?

(Pause.  Amy's face takes on a sober, yet not entirely surprised, expression.)

AMY:  Helen.  (Bt)  Hi.

HELEN:  Listen, Amy, I think we need to talk about what went on last weekend.

(Pause.  Amy nods slowly.)

AMY:  Yeah, I think we do, too.  (Bt)  Um, Helen, (looks down)  I've been
wanting to call you, but I, I-um...

(Helen nods.)

HELEN:  I understand -- I was, too.

(Both let out a slight chuckle, which eases the tension a little.)

HELEN:  Look, last weekend we *both* said things to each other that we
didn't mean.

(*long* Pause.  Amy cocks an eyebrow.  Finally Helen sighs with amusement
and exasperation.)

HELEN:  All right, all right, we meant *everything* we said to each other.
(Bt)  But that doesn't mean we can't work *past* it, does it??

(Amy smirks faintly.)

AMY:  No, it doesn't.

(Pause.  Neither one can figure out what to say next.)

HELEN:  Well *good*.  All right, then...

AMY:  Yeah, good...

(Pause)

HELEN:  So, um...

(Pause.  Than Amy chuckles and reveals a full-on smirk.)

AMY:  Helen, we're *really* gonna have to work on our communication skills.

(Helen smiles.)

HELEN:  Yeah.



**********************
THE END
[roll the credits.........................]


COMMENTARY

*Phew*!  I have to say that of my three fanfics, this one was definitely
the hardest to write.  It was a pretty draining experience; every time I
read over the scene where Helen accuses Daria of not loving her, I squirmed
a little.

And as you no doubt saw, there are *way* fewer ha-ha moments in this fic
than there were in "The Tie That Chokes" or even "Rose-Colored Lenses."
Originally, I had planned to use the Quinn subplot solely as a vehicle for
comic relief, but then I came up with the idea of her getting "just
desserts" for manipulating her dad's affection.  (Poor Jake: one thing that
almost gets lost in this episode is that he's really starving for love,
too.)  I probably could have made slightly better use of the Mall of the
Millennium backdrop, but oh well....

The most difficult scenes to write were in Act III.  I rewrote the scenes
with Daria and Jane in the bathroom and the final discussion between Daria
and Helen about a million times; my aim was to make their "changes of
heart" seem convincing, rather than rushed.  Don't know if I entirely
succeeded, but I think I came close enough.

But without a doubt, the hardest thing to write was the SONG!  For several
days, I was racking my brains trying to think of how to approach it.  I
didn't want it to be schlocky, and I didn't want it be just a repeat of
what had already been discussed (I wrote it after I'd written the whole
episode); also, it had to come from the mind of a cynical, closed-in
seventeen year-old.  A hard task, but once I figured out what the song
would be about, it didn't take me too long to write it (and too bad you
can't *read* melodies over the Internet, because with the melody it sounds
better.)  My feeling is that Daria wouldn't write this kind of song at
*this* point in the series, but later, after she and Helen had done a bit
more "bonding."  Ever since "Arts 'N' Crass," I've seen a relationship
slowly developing between them....

In fact, I view this episode as my homage to the "bookend" episodes of
Season Two -- "Arts 'N' Crass" and "Write Where It Hurts."  Here, as there,
Daria starts off by making something Helen hates, then by the end makes
something she loves.

Some might wonder if I didn't exaggerate Daria's and Quinn's extreme
difficulty with saying "I love you" to their parents.  I don't know.  I
think Daria would be as unable to say "it" on a real episode as here,
although Quinn might say it easily in a superficial kind of way.  I just
wanted to pinpoint how dysfunctional our beloved family was beneath the
surface, as well as *on* the surface.

Now on to some *points of interest*...

Helen and Amy:  Ain'tcha glad they made up??  If the song hadn't already
been used in "Quinn the Brain," I would've loved to have made Monaco's
"What Do You Want From Me?" the song for the closing credits.  I picture,
after Helen speaks for the last time, a triumphant:
"Sha-la-laaaaa-la-la-la-la, sha-la-laaaaa-la-la-la-la, sha-la-laaaaaaaa...!"

Originally, I had planned to draw out the freeze in Helen and Amy's
relationship for a few more episodes, but in the midst of writing "The Tie
That Chokes," I thought: "Nah."  I didn't want Amy to become too much of a
downer character.  But let me hasten to add that even though they've made
up, not all will be peachy between them.  I plan to address this further
down the road....

Amy and Joel:  It may be a bit more obvious now than it was in "The Tie
That Chokes," but Amy puts distance between herself and everyone else,
including her longtime boyfriend.  I plan to address this, too, down the
road....

Quinn and her glasses:  If you're already tired of Quinn's dodge with the
glasses, don't worry -- it *will* get resolved before long.  It's not gonna
be like the Fashion Club power struggle, which just goes on and on and on
and on and ON with no resolution in sight....

Helen's SUV rampage at the beginning of Act III:  If you suspected it was
based on my own antipathy toward SUV's, you were right.  Scary thing is,
based on what I've experienced, my portrayal wasn't even exaggerated....

That's it for points of interest... now on to the *games*!!

In my last fanfic, I asked how many *smirks* there were, and who smirked
the *third-most*.  Robert Loudner brought it to my attention that of all
the characters in TTTC, *Helen* was the one who smirked the third-most.
That bowled me over, since, as I pointed out to him, she was easily the
most miserable character in that episode.

Anyway, here's his breakdown:

Amy = 25 smirks  (happy gal!)
Daria = 12 smirks
Helen = 4 smirks
Quinn = 3 smirks
Linda = 2 smirks (one a smirk within)
Sandi = 1 smirk
Jane = 1 smirk

That comes to 47 total (48 if you count the smirk within... although if
that's the case, maybe the smirk count should be 60, since we know Jane
would be infinitely smirking).  And yes, Robert, that *does* make for a
happy town. :-)

Oh, and I should point out that I run an open door policy when it comes to
these games: if, like, 20 people play them and e-mail me their answers,
I'll list their names in my next fic, even if they aren't right!  But you
have to do it *before* the next fic comes out, and I'm trying to make them
about 3 weeks apart....

Now the new game:  This one's both easier and *harder*.  You don't have to
go through the laborious process of counting, but you *do* need to have
read all three of my fanfics.  My questions -- Which of the following three
lines occurs in all *three* of my episodes (note: no line appears more than
once per episode)??  *Who* says them, and in what *scenes*??

a)  What's that supposed to mean?
b)  What d' you think?   (that wasn't a pun, by the way)
c)  Mmmrrrrrrr...

On to acknowledgments:  Thanks, once again, to Outpost Daria for being my
encyclopedia.  The episode transcripts were really helpful for stuff like
the King Lear scene.  And thanks to John Berry -- Jane's "block" in "My
Quinn's Delayed Reaction" inspired my fanfic scenario in which she has
difficulty creating a cover for Mystik Spiral's first album.

And finally, -- taking a page from C.E. Forman, I'm also in the process of
forming a mailing list.  If anyone wants to be on it, e-mail me at
scar@uclink4.berkeley.edu

Whew... it's over, it's *finally* over!  Just kidding......... thanks for
reading!

This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright May 1999.  All rights
reserved.