"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is *not*
an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write.
Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for
fanfics....

This is a *revised* version of "The Tie That Chokes" [May 1999].  After
finishing "That Thing You Say," I found that I liked the minimalist
camera-angle approach much better, and decided to weed out most of the
camera angles in my first two fanfics.  *Nothing* else has been changed.  I
hope this makes for easier reading...


This episode takes place not too long after the first of my chronology,
"Rose-Colored Lenses."

I've given it the 2S rating -- best enjoyed in *two* sittings. ("RCL" was a 1S)

If you don't mind, I've taken the liberty of borrowing the asterisk [*]
from C.E. Forman or Peter Guerin, or whoever thought of it.  Much easier
than writing "see postscript" in brackets -- and much less clunky.  Thanks!



[intro theme music...................]

THE TIE THAT CHOKES -- by Kara Wild


ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffers' SUV, driving home on a weekend afternoon)

(Pan over shot of the four Morgendorffers in the car.  Helen, for once, is
doing the driving.  Jake sits in the front passenger seat, flipping through
a car magazine.  Daria and Quinn sit in the back.)

JAKE: (murmuring)  *Wow*, look at these *beauties*!  This show has
*everything*!  I gotta go!

HELEN: (worn-out, irritable)  Jake, not *again*!

JAKE: (to himself)  Brian said it was *next* weekend.  Hmmm....

(Beat)

QUINN:  I just don't get why Erin was *crying* the whole time. I thought
you were s'posed to be *happy* at a housewarming party.

HELEN: (irritated)  Well she *certainly* couldn't have been crying about
the size of the house -- unless twenty-four hundred square feet is too
*small* for her. (Beat)  Leave it to Mother to get *Rita's* daughter the
best condo money could buy!

JAKE: (to himself)  I wish *we* had a three-car garage!

(Daria picks up on her dad's comment, cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA:  Maybe the *garage* was the reason why Erin was crying, or rather
the fact that *Brian* spent so much time in there, waxing his damn Range
Rover, that he barely even came out to say hello.

HELEN/JAKE/QUINN:  Mmmmmmmm... ("that's *true*")

HELEN:  Or *maybe* she just didn't like her housewarming gifts. (Beat)  Who
could *blame* her for getting upset over what *Amy* got for her?!

(Daria smirks.)

DARIA:  An authentic African witch doctor's mask.  *Great* idea.

HELEN:  *That* Amy -- how like her to give the most *twisted* of all the
gifts and then not even have the decency to come. (Pause. reflects. then:)
*Dammit*, I'm not gonna let her get away with that! (Beat)  She's family,
too.  (grumble)  She should have to suffer like the *rest* of us....

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (Amy's place)

(Shot of outside of apartment complex.  cut to close-up Amy, taking off her
glasses to clean them, looking pooped.)

AMY:  I'm *telling* you, Joel --

(cut to wide shot.  She's in the living room we know from "Through A Lens
Darkly," lying on the opposite end of the couch from where she lay in that
episode -- away from the phone.  A guy stands behind the couch, propping
his elbows upon it.  He's mild-looking and scholarly, yet also has a subtle
ruggedness that's attractive. sports wavy light brown hair and a beard.)

AMY: -- this was the last time I'll ever get *near* a jet ski.

JOEL: (encouraging)  Aw, c'mon, you were doing fine.  You just have to lean
into the turns more -- (phone rings off screen)

AMY:  Uh-oh. (Joel heads over to the phone)  If that's Rita, remember: I've
got a one-oh-four fever and haven't been out of bed all week.

(Joel reaches for the cordless phone.)

JOEL:  Better practice sounding like you're at death's door.

(Amy tries a couple of practice hacks.)

AMY: (faux feeble)  Hello??

JOEL:  That's it. (Beat. talks into the receiver)  Hello?  Mmm-hmm...
mmm-hmm... okay, I'll get her. (Beat)  Um, Amy, it's not Rita.  I think
it's your other sister.

AMY: (smirking)  The velociraptor?  Give it here.

(Joel hands Amy the phone.  She takes it, sits up, and puts her fist over
her mouth as if getting ready to cough.  Then she decides, "nah," and puts
it back down.)

AMY: (cheerful)  Hey, Helen, how's it going???

(split screen, Amy on the left, Helen on the right)

HELEN: (sarcastic)  Well *you've* certainly recovered in a *hurry*.

AMY:  A day outdoors does wonders for the health. (Beat. wicked)  Not that
*you* would know, of course.

HELEN:  Ha-ha, very funny. (Beat)  Honestly, Amy, would it hurt you to just
*once* make family a *priority* in your life???

AMY:  Oh, come on now, Helen. I bought Erin's witch doctor's mask with the
greatest of love.

HELEN:  *And* made sure *not* to be there when she saw it and started
*screaming*. (Beat)  You know, a trip out to our neck of the woods
wouldn't've killed you.

AMY:  No, but a six-hour drive isn't exactly *paradise*, either. (Beat) And
speaking of which -- after Hawaii, don't even mention the word *airplane*
to me.

(Helen sighs.)

HELEN: *Amy*, do you realize you've never even *seen* our house in
Lawndale? And we've lived here for over a *year*.

(Pause.  Amy appears to be considering that fact.)

HELEN: (more pointedly)  I'll bet your *other* nieces would be very *happy*
to get a visit from their aunt.

(Pause.  Amy appears to be considering some more.)

HELEN:  Especially *Daria*. (Beat) You know she thinks highly of you, and
for Daria, that's about as close to hero-worship as she comes.

(Pause. then: )

AMY: (thoughtful)  Hmmm, you make some good points, Helen.

HELEN: Some good points, eh?  So you agree with me?

AMY:  Weeeeeell...

HELEN: (smirking. knows she's won. wheeling and dealing tone)  Well *that*
settles it.  Why not schedule a weekend next month to come see us?

AMY: (sees her offer. decides to one-up her)  Or how 'bout I just come over
*next* weekend?

HELEN: (taken aback)  Oh!  I... well... do I have time...?

(Amy smirks, knowing she's trapped Helen in her self-righteousness.  Helen
sobers up, determined not to sound like a hypocrite.)

HELEN:  All right, next weekend sounds *fine*.

AMY:  Then next weekend it is.

HELEN:  Fine.

AMY:  Fine. (Beat)  Well so long, Helen.  I'll be seeing you *soon*, I guess.

HELEN:  Yes, um, right.  *Goodbye*. (hangs up the phone. cut to full screen
of Helen. Pause. shakes her head with wonder)  Did I just *hear* right?  A
sister of *mine* is coming out to see me *willingly*?

(cut to shot of Amy, sitting on her couch.  Joel sits down next to her.)

AMY: (stunned)  I'm going to visit my sister.

JOEL:  Need any moral support -- someone to drive the getaway car after
you've run from their house waving a bloody kitchen knife?

(Amy chuckles at his twisted sense of humor -- that's why she's dating him.
She pats his hand.)

AMY: (grateful) Thanks, but this could be too intense, even for *you*.  I'd
better go solo.

(Joel suddenly looks serious.)

JOEL:  Then could you do me a favor?

AMY:  What?

JOEL:  This time, could you at least tell your family about *us*?

(Amy gives him a look we can't decipher.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (outside the Morgendorffer house, early Friday evening, "next weekend")

(Shot of the street.  A couple of cars whiz by.  pan over to Daria and
Jane, sitting on the curb in front of the Morgendorffer house, waiting.)

DARIA: (to Jane)  Got the time?

JANE:  Is *your* watch broken?  (lifts Daria's sleeve, revealing a watch)

DARIA:  Yeah. (Beat)  Two years ago.

JANE:  Dare I ask why you continue to *wear* it, then?

DARIA:  To look at when a dumb jock starts making conversation with me, of
course.

JANE:  Oh, yeah.  Makes perfect sense.

DARIA:  I thought so.

(Jane lifts her sleeve -- she's wearing an armband watch. checks the time.)

JANE:  It's almost five-thirty, by the way. (Beat)  So when's the famous
aunt supposed to arrive, again?

(off screen, sound of front door slamming shut.)

DARIA:  Shouldn't be too long, now.  My mom said she left her place around
noon.

(Quinn walks on screen, stands behind them.)

QUINN:  Is she *here* yet?

(Daria and Jane look at her.)

DARIA:  Do you *see* a car?

QUINN:  Ha-ha, very funny.  What I *meant* was -- (sound of honking
off screen.  Daria and Jane turn. Quinn's face brightens)  *there* she is!

(cut to frontal shot of Amy's convertible approaching, from Daria and
Jane's eye level.  cut to frontal shot of Daria, Jane, and Quinn.  Daria
and Jane stand up, back away from the curb.  Amy pulls up from off screen
right.  cut to shot of her from their POV)

AMY:  Well if it isn't my two favorite nieces.

(cut to close-up Daria, Jane, and Quinn)

DARIA & QUINN:  Hi, Aunt Amy!

(They start to walk over to the driver's side of the car.  cut to frontal
shot of the car -- Amy getting out, Daria and Quinn coming toward her. pan
over so they're all standing on screen.)

DARIA:  How was the drive?

(Amy reaches over and hugs her.)

AMY:  Let's just say *hell's* too kind a word to describe it. (Beat. draws
back)  But seeing you guys makes it worthwhile.  (reaches toward Quinn to
give her a hug)  So how are you, Quinn?

(Quinn pulls away playfully.)

QUINN: (chipper)  Careful -- hair, makeup!

AMY:  Uh, right.  (gives Quinn a small squeeze around the waist)  Nice to
see you.

(cut to shot of Jane, standing on the sidewalk)

AMY: (off screen)  *You*, however, I don't think I've *met* before.  (walks
on screen, stands next to Jane, smirking)  Jake and Helen haven't been
hiding a third kid, have they?

JANE: (also smirking)  Yeah, I'm the one they're ashamed to tell their
friends about.  You know, because I start fires and do all other kinds of
*crazy* teenage things.

(Daria and Quinn come up and stand behind Amy and Jane.  Amy glances back
at Daria.  Daria smirks and nods.)

AMY: (to Jane. brow raised)  Partner in crime?

(Jane raises her right hand.)

JANE:  The one and only. (Beat)  Although most prefer to call me by my
given name. (Beat. reaches hand out)  Jane Lane.

(Amy shakes her hand.)

AMY:  Amy Barksdale.  Nice to meet you.

JANE:  Same.

DARIA: (slightly exasperated)  I *told* her that I'd bring you by her place
after you'd settled in, but she said she had to see you *right* away.

JANE:  I've been dying to meet the *one* member of Daria's family who
doesn't seem ready to keel over from hypertension.

(cut to inside shot of the Morgendorffers' house. close-up shot of Helen's
face)

HELEN:  *Jake*!  She's *here*!!!

(cut to wider shot.  Jake's in the kitchen, in the foreground, stirring
stew in a pot.  Helen paces around in the background.)

JAKE:  Oh really -- (tastes stew) *Eeeeeeeeyow*!!!

HELEN: (irritated) Jake, turn *off* that damn stove and come out with me to
greet her.

(Jake tries to fan his tongue.)

JAKE:  But, Helen, I'm a little busy with this *stew* here.

HELEN:  *Dammit* Jake, are we a team or *aren't* we?!

JAKE:  Well yeah, but *geez*, honey, I don't see what you're so worried
about.  I mean, she's just your sister.

HELEN:  *Right*.  Which is *exactly* the reason why I need you to back me
up!  I'll be *damned* if I'm gonna go out there and talk with her *alone*!

JAKE:  But the girls'll --

(Helen's eyes narrow.)

HELEN: (warning growl)  Mmmmmrrrrrr...

(Jake pulls at his collar, hemming and hawing with indecision.)

JAKE:  Aww... well... Ieeeee. (Beat)  *Aw*, well.  (turns down heat on the
burner and puts a lid over the stew pot)

(cut to shot of Amy with Daria, Quinn and Jane, taken from the angle where
we see the street.  They've been talking about families -- Jane's comparing
her family situation to Amy's.  Daria's rolling her eyes as if to say,
"Enough, already, Jane."  Quinn stands there, serenely oblivious.  Amy's
smirking, amused.)

JANE:  You think youngest of *three's* bad?  Try youngest of *five*.
(points to herself)

AMY:  Ooh, you got me there.

(from off screen: )

HELEN:  Amy!

JAKE:  Hi, Amy!

(Amy turns, faces frontal. smiles.)

AMY:  Jake!  Helen!

(Helen and Jake walk up the path to meet her.)

HELEN:  Well *you're* looking good.

(She and Amy embrace.  Amy gives her a peck on the cheek, Helen does the
blow kiss.  They draw back.)

AMY:  Thanks, so do you. (Beat. smirks)  I see the vein on your forehead
isn't throbbing as hard as it used to.  You must've taken my advice about
going on that walk last month.  It's really made a difference.

(Daria, Quinn, and Jane snicker.  Jake also can't keep from snickering.  Helen
looks at them, especially at Jake.  Laughs *very* sarcastically.)

HELEN:  Oh, Amy, *always* the kidder. (Beat)  *Jake*. (Jake stops laughing
immediately.)  *Why* don't you help Amy with her bags?  (says it like she's
giving an order)

(Jake bows his head, turns meekly toward the car, and walks over to it.
Everyone else watches him.)

AMY:  Well it's nice to see that *some* family traditions never die.

(Daria snickers again, getting the jab.  Helen notices, and frowns warily.
Meanwhile, Jake's looking in Amy's back seat.)

JAKE: (to himself)  *One* bag shouldn't be too -- (tries to lift it)
*Gah*!  *Agh*!!  Geez, Amy, what've you got *in* here?!!

AMY:  Just a few art books.

JANE:  You do art?

AMY:  I appraise it for its worth.

JANE:  *Ugh*. (mock shudder)  And I *thought* you were cool.

(Amy smirks at her.  Jake scratches his head, looking at the bag.)

JAKE: (to himself. muttering)  A man could *break* his back...!

(Helen turns to Amy and gives her a knowing look.)

HELEN:  So, Amy, are art books *all* you brought?

(Pause. Amy gets an amused "okay, okay" expression.)

AMY:  Well, that and some old photo albums that were lying around my room.

(Helen smiles and nods an "I thought so.")

QUINN:  *Cool*!  Does that mean we get to see you and Mom and Aunt Rita in
your *geeky* younger years?

DARIA:  I hope so.  Humiliation's the best part of these family get-togethers.

(Helen looks at them, amused and exasperated.)

HELEN:  *Very* funny, you two. (Beat. turns to Amy)  Amy, *why* don't we
look at them later, after dinner, when we've *all* had a chance to catch up
on each other's lives?

AMY:  Sounds good.

HELEN:  Jake -- the *bag*.

JAKE:  Aw Jesus, honey!

(Jane looks at her armband watch.)

JANE:  Well *that's* my cue. (Beat)  Much as I'd like to stay and be a part
of your warm family moments, I gotta head home.  My brother needs someone
to wake him up.  (starts to leave)

AMY:  Nice meeting you, Jane.

DARIA:  See ya.

HELEN/JAKE/QUINN:  Bye!

(cut to wider shot, Jane in the foreground, walking away)

JANE:  Yeah, bye. (stops. frowns. sniffs)  Oh, and by the way, do you guys
smell something *burning*?

(cut to close-up Jake.  He grabs his head.)

JAKE:  Oh dear *God*, the *stew*!!!!!!!!!!

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Morgendorffer house, later that evening)

(Outside shot of the house -- all of the windows are *open*.  cut to shot
of Amy standing in the doorway to Daria's room, looking around. Daria
stands beside her. cut to Amy's POV, pan across Daria's room. cut to shot
of Daria and Amy.)

DARIA:  So, what d' you think?

(Amy smirks at her.)

AMY:  It's *you*.

DARIA: (also smirking)  Somehow, I knew you'd say that.

(cut to shot of the stairs.  Amy and Daria approach them, climb down.)

AMY:  Wish I had a room like that when I was your age. (Beat) Those padded
walls would've really muffled my victims' screams.

(zoom out to show the other Morgendorffers sitting on the couches,
surrounded by boxes of Chinese food.  Helen and Jake sit on the center
couch, eating.  Quinn sits on the right hand couch, leaning over and looking
through an art book on the coffee table.)

HELEN: (holding a box, digging around in it with her chopsticks)  Boy, am I
*glad* Good Time could deliver on such short notice.

(Daria and Amy walk toward her.)

DARIA: (to Helen)  *I'm* glad they didn't press charges for forced
inhalation of toxic chemicals.

(Helen assumes a sarcastic "ha-ha, you're funny" expression.  Meanwhile,
Quinn looks up from the art book she's been pouring through.  We can see
that the title of the book is *Famous Art Rip-offs*.)

QUINN:  Hey, Aunt Amy -- were *all* of these pretty pictures painted by
crooks and *losers*?

(Amy comes over and sits down next to her.  Daria sits on her left.)

AMY:  Yep. (leans over, starts pointing out different photos)  You see
*here* how the brush strokes on "Starry Night" are just a *little* too
straight? (Beat)  Or how the Mona Lisa looks like she has pink eye and a
cold sore?

(Quinn shudders.)

QUINN:  Ewww.  Gross.

(Daria turns to Amy.)

DARIA: (admiring tone)  Wow, so your job is to tell the *real* art from the
pathetic artificial wannabes.

(Amy leans toward her.)

AMY: (picking up on the double-meaning)  Yeah, you could say it's one I've
been training for my *entire* life.

(She and Daria share a smirk. Pause.  Meanwhile, Helen's been watching
them, wearing a slightly bewildered expression.  She twists it into a
smile, bursts out: )

HELEN:  *Well* Amy,  we've heard about your *profession*, but what about
your *private* life?? (crooning)  Seeing anyone *special*?

(Amy. sits up straighter.  smirk fades.)

AMY: (uncharacteristically flustered)  Oh... well... I date here and there.

(Helen smirks a "I wonder what's up?")

HELEN:  Oh?  What about that *man* I spoke to on the phone last week??

(Amy looks embarrassed and a bit remorseful.)

AMY:  Him?  He's -- just -- a... friend.

(awkward Pause.  Daria's still smirking, unaware of Amy's predicament.)

DARIA:  *Friend*, eh? (Beat)  Like that guy Steve who used your apartment
as a *cross-dressers'* karaoke bar that night you were out of town?

(Quinn looks up from the art book.)

QUINN:  *Huh*?????   (turns around, looks at Amy)

(Amy smiles gratefully at Daria.)

AMY:  I'll tell her the story. (Beat. to Quinn)  See, Steve was this
body-builder I knew from the --

(cut to close-up Helen. listens, wears a tense expression. doesn't
particularly like Daria's intimate tone.)

AMY: (off screen) -- fitness club across the street from where I work.  He
used to --

(pan right to Jake. Amy's voice fades into the background as he speaks)

JAKE: (hushed voice)  Did she sound *convincing* to you???

(pan to Helen)

HELEN: (irritated hushed voice)  Convincing about *what*?!  (She's still
bothered about Daria.)

(pan to Jake)

JAKE:  About dating men!

(cut to close-up Helen. she sighs)

HELEN: (weary, irritated)  With *Amy*, you never know *what* to believe.

(cut to wide shot.  Amy, Daria, and Quinn are in the foreground. Helen and
Jake are in the background, watching)

AMY: (to Quinn) ... And so I come home and find him rolling around in a
pink taffeta gown, singing along to some Judy Garland records he'd brought
over the day before --

(cut to close-up Helen and Jake.  Amy's voice fades into the background again.)

JAKE: (hushed voice)  Maybe she's a *lesbian*!

(Helen turns to him. waves her chopsticks in the air. exasperated)

HELEN:  *Jake*, Amy is *not* a lesbian!

JAKE:  But you just said you don't *know*! (Beat. concerned. philosophical)
She shouldn't be afraid to tell *us*, her family!  Why, in this modern age
--

(cut to wide shot)

AMY:  *Jake*. (shakes her head)  I'm not a lesbian.

(Helen and Jake look at her.  Jake's stunned.)

JAKE:  Oh. (Pause)  That's okay, *too*!!!  (gives Amy a thumbs up)

(Helen groans. then: )

HELEN:  Well, Amy, that was a *very* interesting story, and I'm curious to
see how *Daria* came to know the details.

DARIA: (hears subtle disapproval in mom's tone)  Oh, um, Amy and I keep in
touch over e-mail.

AMY:  Yeah, I encouraged it. (Beat)  I knew that as often as we talk, you
and Jake would go *ballistic* if it meant a large phone bill.

(Helen tries unsuccessfully to look nonchalant.)

HELEN:  Oh, hmm-hmm, you talk *often*, do you?  Hmm-hmm, how *nice*.
(presses lips together in a smile that instead looks like a sneer)

(Amy nods.)

AMY:  Yeah, right. (Beat. to Daria)  Now let's turn the tables on *you* for
a while. (Beat)  Have you made any progress in your quest for that guy,
Trent?

(cut to close-up Helen. eyes widen. "Daria's interested in Jane's
brother?!!"  cut to shot of Amy and Daria.  Daria blushes, and speaks to
Amy in that shy, sweet tone that we've only heard her speak to Trent with.)

DARIA:  Well... not exactly.  Um... I don't really know if I can talk about
it now. (looks in Quinn's direction. pan to Quinn, smirking with interest)

(cut to close-up Helen. leans forward, listening)

AMY: (off screen)  Oops, sorry, I didn't realize...

(cut to close-up Amy and Daria)

DARIA:  That's okay.  I suppose even --  (sound of loud cracking off screen.
Amy and Daria turn and look in Helen's direction)

(cut to close-up Helen.  She holds up a broken pair of chopsticks,
bewildered. She'd been so focused on Daria, she'd forgotten she was holding
them.)

HELEN: (uneasy laugh) Oh-ho-ho-ho... would you look at that!

(cut to close-up Amy and Daria.  They look at each other.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Morgendorffer house, nighttime)

(Shot of Amy sitting in the guest room downstairs.  She's in the
foreground, lounging in a desk chair, hovering over the cordless phone
almost as though she's afraid to be caught with it.  Her boyfriend's on the
other end.)

AMY:  ... Not yet they haven't. (Beat)  And they haven't strapped me to the
bed and beaten me with bamboo rods, either.  It's been pretty quiet.
(Pause. smiles)  Yeah, I miss you, too.  But you can -- (sound of knocking
off screen)

QUINN: (off screen)  Aunt Amy?

(Amy shields the phone and looks toward the closed door.)

AMY: (to Quinn)  I'll be out in a sec. (to Joel)  I'm sorry, hon, I have to
go.  Family duties await. (Pause. slightly defensive tone)  Of *course* I
have. (Pause)  Anyway, I'll see you in two days. (Pause)  I love you, too.
Bye. (hangs up)

(starts to get up. cut to outside shot of the door.  Quinn's standing
beside it, holding a photo album.  The door opens, Amy comes out.)

AMY:  Hi, Quinn -- sorry to be so long.  I was just straightening up.

QUINN:  That's okay. (Beat. holds up album)  But could you tell me what's
*up* with this photo album? (Beat)  Most of these pictures are just of some
guys standing around, and they're not even *cute* guys. (shudders a little)

AMY:  Hmm, let me see. (takes the album, flips through a few pages, pauses,
then bursts out laughing)

(cut to wide shot of the kitchen, where Jake, Helen, and Daria are sitting,
also looking through photo albums.  Helen and Daria sit in the foreground
-- Helen in her usual spot, Daria in Jake's.  Jake sits in the background,
on a stool, looking through an album on the counter.)

JAKE: (to himself)  Rita's old MG!  I wonder if they'll have any of those
tomorrow....

(Meanwhile, Helen turns her attention to Daria, a "concerned parent" look
on her face.)

HELEN:  So, Daria, I didn't know you --

DARIA: (in her usual supremely deadpan tone)  The subject is closed.

HELEN:  But I haven't even --

DARIA:  I know what you're gonna say, and I don't care to discuss him.

HELEN:  All right, *fine*. (says it with more than just the usual
exasperation. there's some bitterness, too)

(Helen and Daria sit silently and flip through the albums.  Pause.  Then
Amy and Quinn walk into the room from off screen.)

AMY: (to Quinn) ...They were taken before I was born, when our dad was
serving in the army. (sits in Quinn's usual spot. Quinn sits in Daria's)
By the time *I* arrived, we'd already settled into our house in Rutherford.
(Beat)  Dad wanted a stable environment for raising his *son*.

QUINN:  But I *thought* you didn't have any -- (Amy raises an eyebrow.
Quinn gets it.)  Oh.

(Helen lays a hand on Amy's shoulder.)

HELEN: (crooning maternal tone)  Now, sweetie, Dad loved you every *bit* as
much as he did me and Rita.

AMY:  (sighs)  Well, he got *used* to me at any rate. (Beat. slides the
photo album Quinn showed her in front of Helen)  Hey, Helen.  (points to
the photo she'd been laughing at earlier)

HELEN:  What is it, swe-- (sees the photo)  Oh, for the love of *God*!!
*Damn* that Rita!!!

(Jake looks up.  Daria and Quinn get out of their seats and hover around
the photo album.)

DARIA: (smirking)  Humiliated by a younger sibling. (Beat)  At a swimsuit
competition.

AMY: (also smirking)  A fate worse than death.

QUINN:  So what *else* is new?

(Helen covers the photo with her hands.)

HELEN:  Hmph -- well enough of that. (Beat. turns to Amy)  Which reminds
me, Amy: I was thinking how nice it would be to go out with my
*more-favorite* sister. (Beat)  Say tomorrow night? (Beat. crooning)  An
evening *alone* would give us the chance to *bond* a little.

AMY:  Hmm, bonding? (Pause. weighs the option. then, nonchalant:)  I could
go for that.

HELEN:  Great!

(Pause)

AMY:  Great.

(cut to Helen's POV.  Daria stands in the foreground, still hovering over
the album and smirking.  Amy's in the background.  cut to close-up Helen)

HELEN: (to herself. muttering)  *Great*.



****************
END OF ACT ONE

[Amy is reaching over to hug Quinn.  Quinn pulls away playfully.]


***You are now entering commercial *HELL*.  Please keep your seat belt
securely fastened.  You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put
on television.***

Not this one, though:

1) "Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot:  Helen issues Daria an ultimatum, but
will Daria refuse to play her game??  (shots of Daria and Quinn standing in
front of the bathroom mirror, Daria and Helen glaring at each other at the
dinner table, and Trent playing a song in the Morgendorffers' living room)
Find out next week on an all-new 'Daria.'"

*These* are the lame ones:

2)  A promo for: "This is the Tom Green Show, it's not the Green Tom Show,
this is my fav-or-ite show, because it is my show."  Hmm, it's his
*favorite* show because it's *his* show -- I guess that'd have to be the
reason, since there's nothing else to recommend it....

3)  "Do-do-do-do-do-do, dooo-ahhh!!!"  That one opening line sums up all
that is idiotic about Mentos.  'Nuff said.

***You are now leaving commercial *HELL*. Aren't you happy you survived?***


ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, next morning)

(Outside shot of the house.  We hear Helen's voice-over)

HELEN: (crooning)  Why *Eric*, *what* a surprise!

(cut to inside shot showing kitchen and living room.  Helen's pacing around
in the foreground, dressed in leisure wear, cordless phone at her ear.
Amy, Daria, and Quinn sit in the background, finishing breakfast [bagels,
if you're interested!].)

HELEN:  *Monday*?  It's been moved up? (Pause)  Well of *course* I can have
it ready by then --

(cut to close-up Amy, Daria, and Quinn, listening.  Amy's in Helen's spot,
Daria in her usual place, Quinn in Jake's spot)

HELEN: (off screen)  Saturday, any day, I'm *always* willing to be ready for
you...

(voice fades into the background.  Amy observes all this with an amused,
perplexed expression.  Turns to Daria and Quinn.)

AMY:  Who's Eric? (Beat)  Your mom's secret lover?

(Daria smirks.)

DARIA:  Nope -- boss. (Beat)  But the effect's the same: late nights with a
mysterious stranger, a family in shambles --

HELEN: (off screen)  Amy, girls...

(Helen approaches the table.  Looks at them, resigned.)

HELEN:  I'm afraid I have some bad news. (Beat)  My deposition's been moved
up a couple of days so I'll have to get *right* to the paperwork. (Beat)
Which means I can't go out with you, today.

(Daria and Quinn glance at each other.)

DARIA & QUINN:  Mmmmmmmmm...  ("typical Mom")

(Amy looks understanding, but a little resigned as well.)

AMY:  That's too bad, Helen. (Beat)  You couldn't put it off 'til tomorrow?

(Helen gets an exasperated expression, puts her hands on her hips. "How
could you even *ask* such a question???")

HELEN:  Of *course* I can't put it off until tomorrow!  *Amy*, my work is
important to me, and --

(Helen walks up and stands over her.  Amy eyes her warily.)

HELEN: -- it's *especially* important that I show Eric and the other
members of my firm that I can stay ahead --

(cut to close-up Amy. rolls her eyes)

AMY: (thought voice-over)  Oh God, I shouldn't have said anything.

HELEN: (off screen) -- *All* too often women --

(fade-out. fade-in to close-up of Amy as a baby, sitting in a high chair.
zoom out to show a young Helen standing over her, lecturing in the exact
same way as she is now.  Amy eyes her with the exact same wary expression.)

HELEN:  -- get pushed aside and ignored because *men* think we're not good
enough --

(cut to scene of Amy, now 8 years old, standing over a sink in the
foreground, brushing her teeth, while Helen lectures her in the background.
Amy's hair is in ponytails like Ms. Morris's from "See Jane Run," and she
wears thick glasses.  Helen's in her full hippie regalia.)

HELEN: -- That's why we have to prove that we are *equally* as competent as
those bald-headed, middle-aged, chauvinistic --

(cut to scene of Amy at her high school graduation, posing in front of the
camera with her family. Helen stands at her right, with Jake beside her,
lecturing.  Helen has Farrah Fawcett hair, while Jake has a '70's fro and a
mustache.)

HELEN: -- *neanderthals*, which entails us putting a little *extra* effort
into our chosen professions --

(cut to scene of the bathroom in the Morgendorffers' old house in Highland.
Amy, now in her mid-twenties, kneels over the bathtub, where little
versions of Daria and Quinn are splashing each other with water.  Helen
sits on the toilet seat lid, lecturing.)

HELEN: -- Once they see for themselves how devoted we are, they'll accept
us into their male-dominated clubs and --

(cut to close-up Amy in the foreground, Helen in the background. Some water
splashes on Amy's glasses.  She wears a stunned expression.)

HELEN: -- *Amy*, are you listening to me????

(fade-out. fade-in to the present.  Amy's sitting as before, looking bored.
Helen is still standing over her, lecturing.)

HELEN:  Now it's been over twenty years and we're *still* working on it,
but women --

QUINN: (off screen. exasperated)  *Mo-om*!

(cut to close-up Quinn)

QUINN:  Give it a *rest*, already!

(pan to Daria)

DARIA:  *Yeah*, Mom.  You've been giving this speech for as long as I can
remember, and all this time, the glass ceiling hasn't *budged* from its
comfy spot above our heads.

(cut to wide shot.  Helen looks chastened.  Amy smirks with sympathy and
relief.)

HELEN: (flustered)  Well -- I... I didn't realize... (looks sideways
off screen)  *Jakey*!

(cut to shot of Jake, walking toward them from the stairs. stops)

JAKE:  Yeah?

(cut to wide shot of Helen, Amy, Daria, and Quinn)

HELEN:  Why don't *you* take Amy and the girls out around town, today?

(cut to shot of Jake)

JAKE:  Well, sure, why n-- (remembers. panic-stricken) eek -- gah!  But the
*auto* show's today!

HELEN: (off screen)  Oh come *on*!  (Beat. she walks up to him, hands still
on her hips, annoyed at hubby's misplaced priorities)  Surely you can miss
one *little* auto show for your sister-in-law!

JAKE: (mumbling. despair)  But they're gonna have *DeLoreans* there....

HELEN: (dripping with irritation)  Oh *Jake*.  (glares at him)

(cut to shot of Amy, Daria, and Quinn at the table)

AMY:  It's all right, Helen. (stands)

(cut to shot of Helen and Jake. Pause. Amy walks up to them from off screen.)

AMY:  I think I'll be fine with just the *girls* taking me out. (Beat.
glances at Jake. smirks)  As one who loves her car, I can't begrudge the
man his auto show.

(Jake wipes his forehead.)

JAKE:  *Phew*!

HELEN: (to Amy. mollified)  Well *all* right, if you feel that way.  But
listen, Amy, (crooning tone) we're *still* on for tonight, just the *two*
of us. (pats Amy's arm)

AMY:  I haven't forgotten. (Beat. to Daria and Quinn)  You girls ready?

DARIA & QUINN: (off screen)  Yeah.

(Daria and Quinn walk on screen.  Amy goes over to the door.)

HELEN:  Bye, you three!  Have *fun*!  (wears a guilty expression, tries to
sound cheery)

AMY:  Bye.  Don't break your nose on the grindstone, Helen. (opens door,
leaves)

(Daria follows her.)

DARIA:  See ya, Dad. (to Helen)  Go get 'em, Tiger.  (slips out the door)

(Quinn goes last.)

QUINN:  Yeah, bye.

(Meanwhile, Helen's looking even more guilty after Amy's remark and Daria's
little nickname.  She suddenly shakes her head, remembers something.)

HELEN:  Quinn?  Wait, *Quinn*!

(Quinn stops. holds the door open. looks at Helen)

QUINN: (suspicious)  Yeah?!

(Helen's face takes on an annoyed, yet triumphant, look.)

HELEN: (no-nonsense) Aren't we *forgetting* something? (Beat)  Remember our
*deal*?

(Pause.  For a second, Quinn just looks at her mom with a wilted
expression.  Then Helen gives an insinuating nod.  Pause.  Quinn's face
takes on a sneer of resentment.  She slowly reaches into her purse and
pulls out a black case.  Holds it above her head, rattles it sarcastically.)

HELEN:  Now put them *on*.

(Quinn sighs sharply, pissed off.  Opens the case, takes out her glasses.
puts them on.  cut to close-up Helen)

HELEN:  Now see, that wasn't so ba-- (sound of door slamming off screen.
Helen's face falls)  Hmmmm...

(cut to side close-up of Quinn.  She yanks off the glasses in mid-walk,
puts them in her purse. starts to sprint.  cut to frontal shot of Daria
walking toward car in the foreground, Quinn in the background, quickly
approaching her.)

QUINN:  I call shotgun!!!

(cut to a back shot of Daria, close to the front passenger seat.  Quinn
races past her and jumps into it.  cut to side close-up Quinn smirking and
buckling her shoulder belt.  Daria stands in the background, giving her the
evil eye.  cut to shot of Amy, standing next to the car on the driver's
side, staring at Quinn with a slight frown.  She knows that Quinn just did
a rude thing, but she also knows that if she openly takes Daria's side, she
risks starting a war that could screw up the entire day.  Pause.  Amy
finally looks at Daria.)

AMY: (sympathetic. apologetic)  On the way back, Daria.

(Daria stares at Quinn, still giving her the evil eye.  She slowly walks
away from the passenger side seat.  Pause.  cut to frontal shot of Quinn,
smirking contentedly.  Daria slides into the back seat via the driver's
side.)

DARIA: (to Quinn. irritated)  Aren't you afraid of *convertible* hair?

QUINN: (chipper)  'Course not -- at Fashion Club meetings we practiced
*drills* on these kinds of things 'til we found the *perfect* way to hold
your head so you get a *really* cool wave!

DARIA: (sarcastic)  Fascinating.

(Amy slides into the driver's seat, shuts the door.)

AMY:  Okay, you two (buckles up), quit your squabblin'. (Beat)  We're
*off*. (turns key in the ignition.  car purrs to life)

(cut to a slightly wider shot of the car pulling away from the curb.
fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 2 (drivin' around)

(Shot of car driving down a residential street. cut to close-up Amy,
looking in rear view mirror.  cut to shot of the mirror, in which we see
part of Amy's face and Daria in the background, wearing her usual impassive
expression.)

AMY: (some concern)  You okay back there, Daria?

(cut to side shot of Daria in the back seat.  She's brushing split ends into
Quinn's hair.)

DARIA:  Oh, I'm managing.

(cut to frontal shot of the three of them)

AMY:  So, where to, first?

(Pause.  Quinn peers out the side of the car, trying to see.  She frowns,
squints. cut to her POV -- everything's a blur.  resume wide shot.  Daria
sees her difficulty, smirks.)

DARIA: (to Amy)  Allow *me* to do the honors. (Pause. voice goes into
extreme deadpan)  Lawndale -- sister city of Paris.  Home to celebrities
recovering from various addictions...

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of the car driving past Lawndale High)

DARIA: (voice-over) ... Now here we have the local zoo.  Home to the rare
species of Ruttenjerkus and the Eaposaurus...

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of car driving past the tattoo parlor from
"Pierce Me")

DARIA: (voice-over) ... and *here* we have the local art museum....

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of car driving past the arcade from "The New Kid")

DARIA: (voice-over) ... the *Boy's* Club....

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of car driving past alley with McGrundy's)

DARIA: (voice-over) ... and last, but not least, Coverband Central --

(cut to close-up of Daria, Amy, and Quinn in the car.  Amy appears to have
enjoyed the tour.)

DARIA:  -- or, as it's more commonly known: House of Dreams That Have Died.
(Beat)  Well, that's it.  That concludes our tour of Lawndale.  Please stop
by at the souvenir stand on your way out.

QUINN: (peeved)  What?!  That can't be *it*!  There's *loads* more stuff to
see here than *that*! (Pause. realizes that there isn't)  *Ugh*.

AMY:  I'll just assume this place has a vibrant nightlife. (Beat)  Hey, was
that a mall I saw back there?

DARIA & QUINN: (relieved)  Yes!

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (the mall -- Lawndale or Cranberry Commons... *you* make the call!)

(Shot of a TV screen.  On it, an eagle swoops down and scoops up a rodent in
its talons)

ANNOUNCER:  "He stole her egg -- she crushed his skull!  Psycho-mother eagles
on the warpath on the *next* Sick Sad World!"

(SSW eyeball pops on screen. cut to wide shot, showing rows of TV's in a
large store window, all with the SSW eyeball.  Amy, Daria, and Quinn walk
on screen. pan shot to follow them as they walk.  They appear to have done
quite a bit of shopping.  Amy and Daria both carry bags of books, and are
trading a book back and forth.  Quinn's carrying several Cashman's bags.
Daria glances at Quinn's purchases.)

DARIA: (to Quinn. sarcastic)  Shopped *out*, yet?

(Beat.  Quinn sniffs the air.  Her face brightens.)

QUINN:  Not yet!

(Letting her nose be her guide, Quinn dashes off screen.  cut to a shot of a
nearby cosmetics shop, with an outside display of skin cream jars.  Quinn
runs up to the display and takes a jar.  She lifts the lid off and
sniffs the inside contents.  From the background, Amy and Daria approach
her.)

QUINN:  It's Pore-Cleansing Skin Massage from Château Pierre François!

DARIA:  Well ooh-la-la.

(pan to Amy.  She takes a jar, removes the lid, and sniffs.)

AMY:  This stuff is really good for keeping your skin hydrated.

(Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: (to Amy. subtle disappointment)  You *go* for this kind of thing??

AMY: (understanding, but philosophical)  Daria, when you get to be *my*
age, you start realizing the years won't keep *themselves* off.

(Daria shrugs an "I see your point."  Amy then frowns with sudden
realization and looks at Quinn.)

AMY:  Uh, Quinn? (Quinn watches her expectantly.)  Maybe you'd better get a
*few* of those jars for your mother. (Beat)  It's great for *tension*
wrinkles.

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Morgendorffer house, same time that afternoon)

(Shot of the outside of the house.  We hear Helen's voice-over.  She's
grumbling and muttering to herself.)

HELEN: (voice-over)  Just sweeps right in... just *sweeps* right in....!

(cut to overhead shot of Helen sitting on the center couch of the living
room, surrounded by papers.  She's stooped over her legal notepad,
scribbling.  cut to frontal shot of Helen, frowning, scribbling, and
erasing.)

HELEN: (falsetto)  "Hiiiiiiii, how're yee-ooo?!"... "So nice to seeeeee
you, (falsetto lapses into a grumble) it's only been a *thousand* years..."

(cut to close-up of the legal pad.  Instead of legal notes, Helen is
drawing stars and lightening bolts, the way she did when she talked to Rita
in "I Don't.")

HELEN: (resumes falsetto)  "Oh, but that won't *stop* me from stealing your
kid. (cut to close-up Helen)  'Cause you see, with *you* she's
*mrrrrrrr-mrrrrrrr-mrrrrrrrr*, but with *me* she's
*laaaaaa-laaaaaa-laaaaaa*!" (normal voice. bitter)  Honest to *God*, I
*just* don't know why I bother to --

(phone rings. cut to close-up of legal pad.  The lead on Helen's pencil
snaps.  She slams the pencil down.  cut to shot of Helen.  She grabs the
cordless phone by her side, yells into the receiver.)

HELEN:  *What*?!!

(Linda Griffin's on the other end.  split screen diagonal)

LINDA: (triumphant snobby tone)  *Helen*.  My, you sound *feisty* today.

HELEN: (caught off guard, as always whenever she speaks to Linda)  Uh,
oh-oh, um, *hi* Linda!

LINDA:  It *isn't* that time of the month, is it? (Beat)  Oh, but I suppose
you'd be *past* that stage of your life by now.

HELEN: (seething. phony laugh)  Eh-heh-heh-heh. (faux enthusiasm)  Well,
um, *gosh* Linda, to what do I owe the *pleasure* of your call??!

LINDA:  To the fact that I landed the big Stevens account, and I'm making
Tom take me out to celebrate tonight. (Beat)  We're going to the Blue
Velvet Lounge -- and we thought we might add a *little* cheer to your lives
by asking you and Jake to join us.

HELEN: (Pause. then:)  Heh-heh-heh, well *gee* Linda, that's *awfully* nice
of you, but we've got family staying over this weekend, and --

LINDA:  Oh, I see. (not one for tact)  Well, I understand, Helen -- family
ties come first. (Beat)  Maybe we can get together another time, when
*you've* had a major achievement.  If *that* ever happens. (hangs up. full
shot of Helen)

HELEN: (still on the part about "family ties" and "get together")  Well
yes, yes, that sounds goooo-ah! (absorbs the last bit)  *What*?!  (holds
out phone. yells into the receiver)  Why you conceited *bitch*!  Of *all*
the nerve!!!  (flings phone aside. cut to overhead shot of Helen.  She
looks at the ceiling, waving her fists.)  *Dammit* Jake, why aren't you
*here* when I need someone to *yell* at??!!!

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Pizza King, later that afternoon)

(Shot of Amy, Daria, and Quinn sitting in a booth, eating pizza.  Amy's
holding a slice of pizza and her glasses are fogged up from the steam.  She
puts the slice down and removes her glasses to wipe them off.)

AMY:  The *one* drawback to eating pizza.

(Daria does the same thing.)

DARIA:  *I'll* say.

(Quinn watches them. has *cheeseless* pizza on her plate [in case you're
interested].)

QUINN: (slightly nervous)  Gosh, that must get *really* annoying after a while.

(Daria puts her glasses back on.)

DARIA: (pointedly, to Quinn)  Just the price we pay for quality vision.
(looking right at her as she says this)

(Quinn laughs nervously.  Amy puts her glasses back on, cocks an eyebrow at
them in a perplexed manner.)

AMY:  Am I *missing* something?

(Quinn sighs, slumps forward.  Daria's smirking, of course.)

DARIA:  Let's just say we have a third member of our glasses brigade.

AMY: (surprised)  Quinn, you wear glasses?

QUINN: (flatly)  *No*.

DARIA:  But not because she doesn't need them. (Beat)  You see, Mom and
Quinn made this deal: Quinn *doesn't* have to wear her glasses at home --
(meanwhile, Quinn eyes her resentfully.) -- just to places where maximum
vision quality is essential -- like school or the public streets. (Beat)
Which, of course, means she *never* wears them.

QUINN: (sarcastic)  Ha-ha.

AMY:  Quinn, you shouldn't be ashamed to wear glasses.  I mean, they're
just to help you see better, not to turn you into a different person.

DARIA: (to Quinn)  Funny, *this* sounds familiar.
[*] see "Rose-Colored Lenses"

(Quinn glares at her.)

AMY:  I bet you look fine.  Would you mind showing me?

(Quinn glances nervously at Daria, then at Amy. hesitates, then: )

QUINN: (rushed)  Um, maybe later, I have to go use the ladies' room and
maybe ask the counter guy if he's got crushed ice for my soda and if he
doesn't if he'll go crush some --

(Quinn slips out of the booth without another word.  Amy and Daria watch
her go, then exchange a "She's in denial, *big time*" expression.)

(cut to shot of Quinn, dashing toward the counter.  from off screen: )

SANDI:  Quinn!

(Quinn turns around.  cut to her POV.  frontal shot of the other members of
the Fashion Club. cut to wide shot, Quinn approaching them)

QUINN: (trying to sound enthusiastic)  *Sandi*, Stacy, Tiffany -- how nice
to *see* you guys.

SANDI: (megabitch. wary)  I *thought* you said you weren't *going* to shop
today.

TIFFANY:  You *said* you had *family* in town.

STACY: (crestfallen)  *Quinn*, you haven't been shopping for skorts
*without* us, have you???

QUINN:  Uh, *no-o*, of course *not*.  I really do have family in town,
honest. (Beat)  Um, you guys weren't gonna shop without *me*, were you?

(The F.C.'s look at each other uneasily.)

F.C:  Uh no, no, 'course we wouldn't.

(Quinn gets wicked smirk on her face.)

QUINN:  Good, 'cause *you* know as well as *I* do that eating before trying
on clothes makes you all *bloated* so you end up buying sizes that are too
large and it makes you look really, really, *really* bad.

(The F.C.'s cringe.)

F.C:  Ewww.

SANDI: (flustered)  Yes, well, um, *Stacy* wanted to get something here.

STACY:  I *did*???

(Sandi gives Stacy her patented megabitch look.  Quinn smirks triumphantly
at them.)

(Pause.  cut to shot of Amy and Daria sitting in the booth. from off screen: )

QUINN:  Aunt Amy!

(Amy and Daria look up.  cut to side shot, Quinn and the F.C.'s approaching
them from off screen right. cut to frontal shot of Quinn and the F.C.'s)

QUINN:  These're my friends -- Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany. (Beat)  Guys,
this is Amy.

(cut to close-up Amy)

AMY:  Nice to meet you.

(She frowns as the camera starts to slowly pan away.  It pans down to
Quinn's seat, around which several of her Cashman's bags are gathered.  cut
to shot of Quinn and the F.C.'s.  The F.C's eye the bags moodily, then
glare at Quinn.  Quinn laughs nervously.)

QUINN:  Oh, huh-huh, those are *their* bags!

(Meanwhile, Amy has an "O-kaay" expression on her face.  Daria's face is
impassive, unsurprised.  Sandi now looks at Amy.)

SANDI: (haughty)  *So*, Amy, you're Quinn's *aunt*?

AMY: (sarcastic)  Uh-huh.

SANDI:  So, does that, like, mean you're *that* girl's *mother*?? (points
to Daria)

(Daria looks a bit startled.  Amy looks stunned.)

AMY:  Um, I don't --

(Quinn cuts her off with a wave of her hand, looks nervous.)

QUINN:  Uh *yes* -- *yes* she's my *cousin's* mother. (nods her head in
Daria's direction)

(Sandi cocks an eyebrow.)

SANDI: (to Amy)  *Really*??

(Beat)

AMY:  Well, actually I'm --

(cut to Amy's POV. close-up of Sandi, looking suspicious.  pan to Quinn,
nodding frantically.  pan to Daria, who gives her the go-ahead nod.  resume
wide shot.)

AMY:  Uh, yes.  Yes I am.

SANDI:  But *aren't* you supposed to be in *jail*???

(Now Amy looks really stunned.  She tries to recover.)

AMY:  Oh, um, I got out on good behavior.

TIFFANY:  For vehicle theft and *manslaughter*???

(Amy gives Quinn the evil eye.  Quinn lets out another nervous laugh.  Then
Daria looks pointedly at Amy, smirks a "We could have some fun with this."
Pause.  Amy comprehends, gets into her role.)

AMY: (to the F.C.'s)  Yeah, well, that's just what I told the girls down at
the clink.  You know, to make them think I was tough so I wouldn't get
thrashed by them.

(Pause.  The F.C.'s look at each other.  Then Stacy looks at Amy.)

STACY: (timid)  So what *did* you do?

(Amy glances at Daria, smirking, and turns to the F.C.'s.)

AMY:  We-ell, I *really* shouldn't say this, but you girls seem trustworthy
enough. (Beat)  I'm a reporter.  And, because I wouldn't reveal my source
in the great Mafia murder trial two years ago, I got put in jail.

(The F.C.'s look at each other again, intrigued.  Quinn relaxes.)

(fade-out. fade-in to reveal a short passage of time.  Quinn is sitting in
the booth with Amy and Daria.  The F.C.'s have pulled up chairs and are
sitting around them.)

AMY: ... Well of *course* Bruno did it -- mobsters make it their living to
kill at least three people a day before breakfast alone.

(Meanwhile, Stacy and Tiffany are hanging on Amy's every word.  Sandi is
impressed, but trying not to show it.  She wears a cool, haughty
expression.)

STACY & TIFFANY:  *Oh*!

AMY:  Bu-ut, since he'd spilled the beans on Fredo and the boys, I couldn't
break my word to him. (Beat)  And the rest is history.

STACY & TIFFANY:  Ohhhh...

AMY: (faux maternal tone)  And *now* my only business is picking up the
shattered pieces of mine and my daughter's lives.

STACY & TIFFANY:  Awwww!

AMY: (to Daria)  Can you ever forgive me, honey?

(Pause)

DARIA: (faux hesitant tone)  Gosh, I don't know, Mom. (Beat)  I mean, look
at what all your years of neglect have turned my into. (Beat. spreads out
arms for emphasis. to the F.C's)  I used to be on the pep squad.

STACY & TIFFANY:  *Oh*!

DARIA: (wearing a smirk of forgiveness)  Bu-ut, I guess having Mom back
would be better than getting stuck with the *Morgendorffers* on a permanent
basis. (Beat. to Amy)  So I forgive you.

AMY:  Oh, honey!

STACY & TIFFANY:  Awwwwwww!!!

(Now Sandi glances at Quinn, smirks malevolently.)

SANDI:  Gee, Quinn, that girl's *mother's* a *lot* cooler than *yours*.

QUINN: (glaring at her)  Hey!

SANDI: (faux apologetic)  Oops, *sorry*, I guess that was *tacky*.

(Amy and Daria frown.)

AMY: (to Sandi. sarcastic)  Tacky -- *you*???  Impossible.

(Pause.  Sandi eyes Amy warily.  Meanwhile, Daria looks reflective.)

DARIA:  Well I don't know -- Aunt Helen's led a pretty interesting life.
(Beat. to the F.C.'s)  Have you ever seen her *mudwrestle*?

(The F.C.'s look at each other, stunned.)

F.C:  *Huh*?  Mudwrestle???

DARIA:  She was all-pro for about three years, 'til she decided the sport
was too dirty, and that she'd be better off with just sky diving and
kick-boxing.

(Stacy looks at Quinn.)

STACY:  Is that *true*, Quinn??

QUINN:  Uh, I *guess*.

AMY:  I just love watching her kick some sorry bastard's *ass* in the ring.

(Stacy and Tiffany now "oooh" and "ahhhh" amongst themselves.  Sandi sits
there, silent and pouty from having been defeated.  Quinn utters a small
sigh of relief.  Amy and Daria give each other congratulatory smirks for a
job well done.  Then Amy turns to Sandi.)

AMY: (faux friendly)  So what did you say *your* mother does, again?

(Sandi gazes back at her, too dumbfounded to respond.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (drivin' around)

(Shot of Amy and Daria driving in the car -- Quinn's stayed behind with the
F.C.'s.)

AMY:  Nice *friends* Quinn has. (Beat)  I'd hate to meet her enemies.

DARIA:  Yeah.  (they both chuckle)

AMY:  So does she always do that to you?  Pretend you're her *cousin*?

DARIA:  Not all the time. (Beat)  Only when we're in public.

(Beat)

AMY:  You must hate it.

(Pause)

DARIA:  Well, I tell myself that it's just that stupid teenage phase we're
in that makes her act the way she does. (Pause)  But yeah, I hate it.

(cut to wider shot of the car pausing in a turn lane.  cut to shot of Amy
and Daria)

AMY:  Reminds me of when I was young. (Pause)  Whenever Rita and I went out
somewhere, she always made me hide in the trunk of the car if we ran into
one of her *love* interests.

DARIA:  The *trunk*???

AMY: (bitter amusement)  Yeah -- 'til one day, she forgot to *open* it.

(Daria's face gets a "Yikes!" expression.)

AMY:  A little trip to the hospital set *her* priorities straight.

(Daria chuckles sympathetically.  cut to wider shot of the car turning into
a parking lot.  cut to frontal shot of car pulling into a space.)

DARIA:  So why are we stopping?

AMY:  I just thought maybe you'd like to try *driving* this thing.  (pats
steering wheel)

(Daria smirks.)

DARIA:  Hmmm, in anticipation that you might offer, I came prepared.
(flashes contact lens case)

(cut to: )

SCENE 7 (Jane's house)

(Shot of Jane's house from the outside.  cut to close-up Jane painting at a
canvas, which is angled so that we can't see what's on it.  A squealing
sound is heard off screen.  Jane cringes, then continues painting.  Pause.
Another squealing sound, this time *louder*.  Jane cringes again, then
continues painting.  Pause.  This time, a loud, prolonged squeal.  Jane
cringes and her paintbrush goes askew.  cut to frontal shot of the canvas.
Jane's been painting a still life of dead fruit -- now there's a big black
streak through the center.  Jane turns to face front, a slightly peeved
expression on her face.)

JANE:  O-kay, let's see what all the commotion's about.

(cut to a wider shot of the room.  Jane goes over to the red curtains,
peels one back, and looks out her window.)

JANE:  Oh -- Daria's driving. (Beat)  Might've known.  (walks away from the
window in the direction of the door)

(cut to shot of Amy and Daria in the car.  Daria, now in contacts, is
driving.  Every half-dozen feet or so, the car screeches to a halt,
producing the nasty sound Jane heard.  cut to frontal close-up Amy and
Daria.  Daria smirks sheepishly.  Amy looks amused, but a little rattled
nonetheless.  cut to a shot of the curb next to Jane's house.  The car
pulls up beside it with one final squeal.  resume close-up Amy and Daria.
Daria glances at Amy. Pause.)

AMY:  Uh, getting better.

(Daria nods.  cut to frontal shot of Jane's house.  Jane has opened her
front door and is now walking down the walkway to the curb.  cut to a wide
frontal shot of the car, side shot of Jane approaching.)

JANE: (to Amy)  So, Famous Aunt, we meet again.

AMY: (smirking)  Nice to see you, Partner in Crime.

DARIA:  Yo, Jane: you feel like coming over to my place tonight? (Beat)
Amy and my mom are going out for a little sibling bondfest.

JANE: (to Amy)  You and *Helen*? (Beat)  Think you could *last* an evening
alone together?

AMY:  I've been wondering that, myself.

(Pause.  Jane shrugs her shoulders nonchalantly.)

JANE:  Yeah, sure, I'm game. (Beat)  Oh, and Daria -- Trent taught me that
when you're driving a stick, you gotta ease up on the clutch and press down
on the gas slowly to avoid spin.

(Amy looks at Jane gratefully.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 8 (Morgendorffer house, late afternoon)

(Shot of outside.  We hear Jake's voice-over.  cut to inside shot, showing
a side close-up of Helen.  She looks weary and apprehensive.  cut to wider
shot -- we see she's sitting on the center couch of the living room,
looking toward the bay window.  Jake, back from the auto show, lies on the
left hand couch, gesticulating wildly.  Quinn's back, too -- she sits on the
right hand couch, serenely holding one new outfit after another up against
her chest.  The whole time, Jake's been saying: )

JAKE: ... And you wouldn't *believe* the number of horses it had!!!  I
mean, it was like driving a *rocket*!!!  And zero to sixty in point-two
seconds -- can you *imagine*??!!  I was *almost* ready to get out my
checkbook *right* then and there --

(Helen heaves a sigh.)

(cut to outside shot -- curb near the Morgendorffer house.  Daria drives
Amy and Jane in Amy's now *quiet* car up to the curb and stops.  Amy
glances at Jane in the back seat.)

AMY:  But don't you think it'd be better if she told him how she felt
*without* the megaphone and floodlights??

JANE:  But how *else* is she gonna get his attention? (Beat. drill-sergeant
tone)  *Daria*, my brother's oblivious and time's running out.  If you want
to show him you like him you gotta move, move, *move*. (pounds a fist into
her hand for emphasis)

(Daria and Amy start to get out of the car.)

DARIA:  *Look*, G.I. Jane, I don't want to make an *idiot* of myself by
yelling my feelings across a crowded room. (Beat)  I suggest you go back to
the drawing board.

(Jane slips out Amy's side of the car.)

JANE: (to Amy. mischievous)  She'll come around.

(cut to shot of the Morgendorffer living room.  cut to close-up Helen.  She
glares in Jake's direction.  Jake's still going on about the auto show.)

JAKE: (off screen)  ... and those high-powered motor scooters with the
passenger side seats -- honey, wouldn't it be *great* if we got some for us
and the girls????

(He's interrupted by the sound of the front door opening.  cut to wide shot
showing Amy, followed by Daria and Jane, coming through the door.  Helen
leans toward them.  Jake sits up.)

HELEN: (in an almost too-cheery tone)  *Hi*, girls!  Did you have *fun*
today???

(Amy, Daria, and Jane walk toward the couches.  Daria stops, looks at
Quinn.  Quinn lays down her outfits, suddenly looking very nervous.)

DARIA: (deadpan)  Oh yeah.  You could say we were *transformed* by all the
excitement.

(Meanwhile, Quinn's making little "Ix-nay" gestures at Amy.  Amy nods
cryptically.  Jane looks at Daria.)

JANE: (hushed) *Transformed*, you say?

DARIA:  Yeah.  Let's go upstairs and I'll tell you all about it.

(They leave.  Amy smiles "goodbye" to them.  Helen watches them go, not
understanding, not pursuing.  Looks at Amy.)

HELEN:  Well what about *you*, Amy? (Beat)  Did Lawndale *measure* up to
your expectations?

AMY: (smirking)  I guess -- since I didn't have many to start with. (Beat)
So I trust you got a lot of work done, Helen?

(Helen's face takes on a guilty expression.  She gets ready to respond, but
before she can, Amy continues talking.)

AMY:  And Jake, how was the *auto* show?

(Jake grows wild-eyed with passion.)

JAKE:  *Fantastic*!!! (Beat)  It was *more* than *just* an auto show -- it
was a fuel-powered *extravaganza*!!!

HELEN: (under her breath)  Oh God.

JAKE: (continuing)  *Every* type of fuel-powered vehicle was on *display*
-- you name it, they had it!!!!!!  (during this time, Amy's watching Jake
with benign amusement)  Motorcycles, lawnmowers, airplanes, jet skis --
(Amy's smirk suddenly fades.)  Hey, *Helen*, what would you think if we got
some of *those*??!!

HELEN:  I'd think you should have your *head* examined.

(Meanwhile, Amy's remembering the promise her boyfriend asked her to make.
She wears a pained, guilty expression. Pause.)

AMY: (hesitant)  You know, Helen, I should --

HELEN: (at the same time)  Hey, listen, Amy --

(Pause.  Amy and Helen both stop talking, look at each other.)

HELEN:  After you.

AMY:  No, no, you go first.

(Pause.  Helen sighs, stands up.  She walks over and stands beside Amy.)

HELEN:  I'm afraid I have some bad news. (Beat)  I'm a lot more backed-up
on my paper work than I thought I'd be and I don't think (pause) that I can
go out with you this evening.

(Beat)

AMY: (genuinely disappointed)  Aw, but Helen, it's my last night.  I'm
leaving tomorrow.

HELEN:  I *know* and I *am* sorry, but I just don't see any way out of it.
(Beat. cheery)  But tomorrow we can do *brunch*, I promise.

AMY: (wary)  Could I have that in writing?

(Pause.  Helen's taken aback.  She glares at Amy.)

HELEN: (resentful)  Now Amy that's *not* fair, I have *just* as much
*right* -- (interrupted by ringing of phone on the couch. Pause. flatly)
*Excuse* me...

(She goes over to the couch and picks up the cordless phone. puts it
against her ear.)

HELEN: (crooning)  *Hello*??? (Beat)  Well *hi*, Eric, I wasn't expecting
you to --

(Suddenly, Amy reaches over and grabs the phone away.  puts it against her
ear.)

AMY:  Hi, Eric?

HELEN: (fuming. hissing)  *Amy*!

(She tries to grab the phone back from her.  Amy turns so that the phone's
out of reach.)

AMY: (continuing. rushed)  I'm Amy Barksdale, Helen's sister.  Listen, I'm
only in town for a short time and I just wanted to let you know that before
you lay another one of your little *projects* on Helen, I'm making her take
me out tonight, understand?  Knew you would.  Nice talkin' to you. (Pause.
cut to hyper close-up Amy's face. lowers her voice)  Oh, and Eric? (Beat)
*Don't* call again. (hangs up)

(cut to wide shot.  Smirking, Amy tosses the phone to Helen.  Helen's so
overcome by rage and astonishment, she almost drops it.  cut to shot of
Jake and Quinn, wearing stunned expressions.)

JAKE:  Wow...

QUINN:  *Gosh*, Aunt Amy, you just *out-Mommed* Mom!

(cut to shot of Amy in the foreground, Helen in the background)

AMY: (to Quinn)  Hey, when you grow up with the master of wheel and deal,
you pick up a few tricks. (Beat. turns to Helen)  Shall we get ready?

(Pause.  Then Helen gets a slightly amused, resigned expression.)

HELEN: (weary)  Sure.



****************
END OF ACT TWO

[split screen showing Amy as a baby, having to endure one of Helen's
lectures, and Amy smirking at Helen after she's just given Eric the
brush-off.]


***You are now entering commercial *HELL*.  Please keep your seat belt
securely fastened.  You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put
on television.***

I call this the "Damn Prosperity Block".......

1)  That commercial where the family drives its SUV through pouring rain to
the beach.  Like *hello*?  *Why* would you go to the beach if it's
*raining*???  You couldn't just sit around the house and rent videos?  Oh
*no*, you had to show off your SUV and endanger the lives of people who
don't drive SUV's, like me.  Crush, kill, destroy... is what one of those
things could do to me and my car.  Eek -- don't want to think about it.....

2)  I can't think of a specific stock market commercial offhand, but I know
they have ones for NASDAQ and for how to invest in the stock market.
Naturally, their attitude is "everyone's getting rich off of the
stock market and *you're* not, so you'd better *start*."  Come, join the
Joneses....

3)  I don't think they show this one anymore, but it's *always* bugged me:
"Are YOU ready?"  Ready to go wired, that is?  Yeah, maybe I *am*, but I
resent a bunch of corporate market types telling me that the Internet is
*inevitable*, even if it's true, and that I'm some kind of loser if I
choose *not* to spend all my time online.

You sense a nasty coercion theme, here?  Ah, capitalism......

***You are now leaving commercial *HELL*. Aren't you happy you survived?***


ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, evening)

(outside shot of the house.  music plays -- the old, but classic, "Girls Just
Wanna Have Fun."  cut to shot of Helen's darkened closet as seen from the
inside.  Amy's hands reach in and part the clothes straight through the
middle.  We see her head.  She glances around, frowning mildly.  cut to
close-up shot of closet as seen from the outside.  Amy's back is to us.  She
turns, looks over her shoulder.)

AMY:  Um, Helen?

(cut to a wider shot, with Helen in the foreground.  We see that the
clothes in the closet are perfectly divided between Helen's business suits
and her leisure wear.)

AMY:  Don't you have any *casual dress-up* clothes?

HELEN:  Casual -- what?

(Amy shakes her head.)

AMY:  Never mind.  (walks toward Helen, pats her on the arm)  I'll *lend*
you something.

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 2 (drivin' around)

(Shot of Helen and Amy riding in Amy's car.  Helen sits in the front
passenger seat, wearing a leather jacket and some variety of skirt-dress.
She gazes at the jacket with an expression of wonder, and fingers it as if
to say, "So *this* is what one of these things looks like!"  Amy's driving.
Up to this point in the episode, we've only seen her in variations of the
same jeans-sweater-glasses combo.  But now, she's one hundred percent "da
bomb" -- her glasses are off, and she's wearing an outfit similar to
Helen's.)

AMY: (smirking)  So where to?

HELEN:  Do *you* have a preference?

AMY:  Well, the girls pretty much gave me the *whirlwind* tour, so I don't
know of any place offhand.

HELEN:  Well all right, then, let me see. (Pause. tries to think of
suitably "hip" places to go)  There's..... well, there's..... or
there's..... um, Chez Pi-- ugh, *no*. (scrunches nose.  Amy glances at her
with amusement.  finally Helen sighs)  You know, I don't think I ever took
the time to get to *know* this town.

AMY:  Office, car, home, is that it?

(Helen glances at her with a "yeah, *yeah*, you have a point" expression.)

AMY:  Well, we'll play it by ear, live on the *edge*.

HELEN: (scoffing, amused)  The edge?  Hmph -- in *Lawndale*??

(Helen and Amy share a chuckle, then glance at each other as if to say,
"This might not be so bad.")

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of car stopping at a stoplight.  On the corner
there's a cafe.  cut to close-up shot.  It's Cafe Lawndale from "Cafe
Disaffecto," revamped since its last disastrous outing.  Painted on the
window in bright colors is a list of desserts offered.  At the bottom --
*Flan*.  cut to close-up Helen and Amy in the car.  Amy's reading the list.
sees last word, face brightens.)

AMY:  Flan!  I haven't had that since I was a kid.

(Helen looks at Cafe Lawndale and frowns.)

HELEN: (to herself)  Funny, I thought they shut this place down....

(Amy turns to Helen.)

AMY:  So what d' you say, Helen?  How 'bout doing dessert *before* dinner?

(Helen twists her hands with indecisiveness.)

HELEN: (hesitant)  Well, I don't know...

(Amy gets a knowing smirk on her face.)

AMY:  Oh, *come* on -- live a little. (Beat)  I think you used to tell *me*
that in your madcap hippie days.

(Helen rolls her eyes in an amused manner -- Amy knows just the right
buttons to press.)

HELEN:  All right, *fine*. (Beat)  I guess it couldn't hurt......

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Cafe Lawndale)

(close-up shot of the door from the inside.  Amy enters, walks straight
ahead off screen.  Helen follows.  She pauses, glances to the right.  pan to
show an armed guard standing stiffly at attention next to the door.  cut to
wide shot of Helen and the guard.  Helen gasps.)

HELEN:  Oh my --!  (claps a hand to her mouth)

AMY: (off screen)  Hey, Helen!

(cut to shot of Amy standing off to the side, surveying the room.  In the
background are a bunch of small round tables, occupied by a mixed crowd of
young and old.  They cluster around a stage -- which we know from our first
encounter with Cafe Lawndale.  Amy points to an unoccupied table near the
stage.)

AMY:  Up there looks like a good spot.

(fade-out. fade-in to show close-up of the stage, a microphone in the
foreground.  From off screen right, we see Brittany walk on stage, clutching
a sheet of paper.  She goes up to the mike.)

BRITTANY: (sound of throat-clearing)  *Hgm-hgm*.  (The microphone gives an
ear-piercing shriek. Pause)  A poem.  By Brittany Taylor.

(cut to frontal shot of Amy and Helen watching.  Amy sits on the left,
Helen on the right.  From off screen, a waiter appears and serves them two
plates of round, yellow, jiggling custard -- flan.  return to shot of
Brittany.  She reads from the sheet of paper and twirls a lock of hair.)

BRITTANY:  What *is* a flower? (Beat)  Is it, um, like a pink *thingy* with
pretty petals? (Pause)  Or, um, is it like a, um, something a certain *guy*
was *s'posed* to give you but he *didn't* 'cause he, like, *forgot* and now
you think he's a big stupid *jerk* and you never wanna *see* him again!
(Pause)  Um, The End. (Pause. looks off screen. spacy cheerful)  How was
*that*, Kevvy?!

KEVIN: (off screen)  *Good* one, babe!

(cut to shot of Amy and Helen, both frowning a "what was *that*??")

AMY:  *Ugh*.  I guess *that's* what passes for poetry these days.

HELEN: (muttering)  I *guess*.

(Amy glances at Helen's plate.  She's already managed to work her way
through some of her flan, but Helen's remains untouched and jiggling.)

AMY:  So, how's your flan?

(Pause.  Helen touches a spoon to the surface and watches, disconcerted, as
the flan jiggles uncontrollably.  She finally rolls her eyes with
frustration.)

HELEN:  I'll *tell* you when it stands still long enough for me to taste
it. (Beat. sigh)  Now I know why I stopped eating this stuff after
*childhood*.

(She and Amy both chuckle.  then an awkward pause.  Both glance down at
their plates, then gaze at each other shyly.)

AMY:  Helen, um, I --

HELEN: (at the same time)  I just wanted to --

(They both stop, smile, and nod. briefly look down again, then at each other.)

AMY:  Well as I was --

HELEN: (at the same time)  You know I wish --

(They stop again, smile, and this time chuckle with embarrassment.  Helen
smirks wryly.)

HELEN:  I *wish* we could talk to each other in *complete* sentences.

(Amy wears an understanding and slightly wistful smirk.)

AMY:  Well, let's face it: we haven't talked to each other often enough to
build a rapport...

(cut to shot of the stage.  Kevin is ambling toward the microphone.  cut to
frontal shot of Helen and Amy)

AMY: (continuing)  I mean, we were born ten years apart.  We've never had
that much in common. (Beat)  Other than the fact that we both resent the
*hell* out of Rita.

HELEN: (wicked)  That *alone* could keep us in conversation for decades.

(cut to shot of the stage.  Kevin, wearing his usual goofy grin, taps the
mike.  The mike shrieks.  cut to close-up the armed guard.  The guard
winces.  resume previous shot of Kevin.)

KEVIN:  Um, like, *my* poem is, like, this *cool* epic poem I wrote about
knights and dragons and, like, army tanks 'n' stuff.  I call it: "Ratboy
Kicks Shakespeare's *Ass*!" (Beat)  True story.

(Kevin starts to read the poem. voice fades into the background.  cut to
frontal shot of Helen and Amy.  Both are frowning, wrinkling their noses.
Then Helen sighs.)

HELEN: (resigned)  Well, you're right, we *don't* know a lot about each
other. (Beat)  You know my *kids* better than you know *me*.

(Pause.  Amy leans toward Helen, wears a knowing smirk.)

AMY: (gently amused)  Listen, Helen, I didn't want to say anything before,
but I've been getting the *vibe* from you since I arrived --

(Helen claps a hand to her forehead, mortified.)

HELEN:  Ugh, is it *that* obvious?!

(Beat.  Amy's face takes on an awed, somewhat triumphant look.)

AMY:  At first I didn't know what it *was*. (Beat)  You've never been
jealous of *me* before.

(muffled *booo's* heard off screen.  cut to brief shot of the stage.
Kevin's rambling on about nonsense.  A couple of people have thrown things
at him.  cut to close-up Helen and Amy.  Helen is still embarrassed and
resigned.)

HELEN:  Well, what do you expect? (Beat)  You visit us for the first time
in *years* and Daria falls all over you. (Beat. bitter)  Whereas I *bust*
my butt every day trying to be a good parent, and I'm lucky if she gives me
a lukewarm compliment every *blue* moon.

AMY: (sympathetic)  Helen, I think there's something you have to keep in
mind: I'm Daria's aunt, *not* her mother. (Beat)  Were you nice to Mom when
you were her age?

HELEN: (admitting)  No.

(Amy shakes her head.)

AMY:  Neither was I. (Beat)  Look, it's just a *phase* she's going through.
She and Quinn will *both* grow out of it.

(sound of *booo's*, this time louder.  cut to shot of the stage.  Kevin's
getting pelted by napkins, ashtrays, coffee cups -- you name it.  He's
cowering and trying to dodge them.  Finally, he shrieks and runs offstage.
People cheer.  cut to close-up Helen and Amy, amused.)

AMY:  This is better than the circus.

(Beat)

HELEN: (returning to their subject of conversation. sighs)  Yes, you *do*
make a good point. (Beat)  I guess I just have to be more *patient* with
Daria.

AMY:  You're a good *mom*, Helen -- I'm sure of it. (Beat)  I mean, in
spite of whatever teenage hang-ups they have, Daria and Quinn are both
great kids.

(Helen smiles gratefully.)

HELEN:  Well thanks for the vote of confidence. (Beat. wry)  You know, for
someone who's single and childless, you sure seem to know a *lot* about
child-rearing.

(Amy smirks, flattered.)

AMY:  Thanks.  You're not so bad, yourself.  (Pause.  she glances down
briefly, suddenly shy again.)  Um, Helen?

HELEN:  What is it, sweetie?

AMY:  Remember that guy you spoke to on the phone last week?  Well he's --
(interrupted by a loud, nearby voice off screen: )

UPCHUCK:  Laaaaaaaaaaaadies!!!

(Amy and Helen's eyes widen, startled.  cut to shot of Upchuck on the
stage, arms curled around the microphone.  Upchuck leans toward them and
does his little tongue rattle.  cut to close-up Helen and Amy.  They look
at each other, horrified.  return to shot of Upchuck.  He peers around the
room mischievously at all of the women.)

UPCHUCK:  *Tonight's* your *lucky* night, gals! (Beat)  The Chuckster's in
a *hooow-oooool*, and I'm looking for someone to spread the *love* with.
(Beat.  leans toward Amy.)  Especially *you*, Curly-haired!  I hope you
love *younger* men as much as *I* dig older *women*!  (gyrates his hips)

(cut to close-up Amy. expression of disgust.  turns toward Helen)

AMY: (hushed voice)  Are you thinking what *I'm* thinking?

(pan to Helen, her dish of untouched flan poised in her hand.)

HELEN: (briskly)  I'm *way* ahead of you.

(cut to wide shot of Helen and Amy.  Amy cocks an eyebrow seductively at
Upchuck.  cut to close-up Upchuck)

UPCHUCK:  Grrrrrrrrrrrr...  *Feisty*!!!

(cut to wide shot of him jumping off the stage.  cut to shot of him coming
toward Amy.  cut to close-up Amy, still wearing her seductive look.  cut to
side close-up Upchuck.  He does his tongue rattle.  Suddenly, from
off screen left, the dish of flan splatters in his face.  cut to a wider
shot.  Helen is leaning forward, holding the empty plate.  Upchuck reels
backward, gasping.  Amy watches with amusement and appreciation.  Sounds of
clapping and cheering are heard off screen.  pan over the audience.  People
are standing up, clapping, shouting, and waving their arms.  cut to
close-up the armed guard.  He's clapping.  cut to shot of Helen, pleased
and surprised by the response.  She has one hand against her chest as if to
say, "Who, me?!"  She glances at Amy.  Amy's clapping, too.  cut to wide
overhead shot of the clapping room, a staggering Upchuck, and Helen taking
a bow.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (parking lot of Cafe Lawndale)

(Shot of Amy's car in the foreground, door to the cafe in the background.
cut to close-up of the door.  Amy and Helen come out, smirking at each
other.)

AMY:  *Great* execution, Helen!  You got him right *smack* on his weasely
little nose.

HELEN:  Well *you* weren't too bad, yourself, with your "come and get it"
expression.

(Pause.  cut to close-up shot of car.  Helen stands beside the passenger
side, while Amy stands beside the driver's side, poised to open the door.)

HELEN:  Who'd've guessed we could work so *well* together?

AMY:  Yeah, who knew? (Pause. frowns an amused "what's up?")  Helen? (Beat)
What are you thinking??

(Helen wears a wicked, reflective expression on her face.)

HELEN:  I'm *wondering* whether Linda and Tom Griffin are still at the Blue
Velvet Lounge.

AMY:  Who?

HELEN:  My *arch*-nemesis and her husband.

(Amy cocks a brow.)

AMY:  *Arch-nemesis*?  Sounds intriguing.

HELEN: (crafty)  Oh believe *me*, it *will* be. (Beat)  Say, Amy: how would
you like to help me *teach* this woman a lesson?? (Beat)  Care to do a
little *playacting*??

AMY:  Why not?  I've been getting a lot of practice, today.

HELEN:  What???

(Amy opens car door, shakes her head.)

AMY:  Uh, nothing. (Beat)  Listen, you fill me in on the details, and I'll
take it from there.

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Blue Velvet Lounge)

(outside shot.  cut to inside shot, close-up Linda Griffin, sitting in a
high-backed chair.  She's talking and wearing her usual sunny expression.)

LINDA:  ...And then he said, "Linda, a bonus of *five* thousand?  No-no-no.
I *insist* you take nothing less than *ten* thousand for your *efforts*."

(cut to wider shot.  Tom's sitting in the opposite chair.)

TOM:  Well that's just --

(Linda cocks a brow.)

LINDA:  Tom, *don't* interrupt.

TOM: (cowering)  Sorry.

LINDA: (continuing)  And so I told him, "*Stewart*, if *that's* how you
feel, how can I --

(voice fades into the background.  cut to shot of Amy and Helen, standing
near the front entrance, observing.  Amy's brows are furrowed in a "there's
something *familiar* about her" manner.  She finally shakes her head, turns
to Helen.)

AMY:  You're right.  The bitch vibes *are* strong on this one.

HELEN: (crafty)  Think you can handle her?

AMY: (smirking)  I'll see what I can do.

(cut to shot of Linda and Tom.  Linda's still talking.)

LINDA: ... And before I *knew* it, he was giving me *luxury* box seating at
the *football* stadium.  I said "Stewart, *what* do I *look* like???"  And
so he gave me a box at the *baseball* stadium as well.  I mean, if I hadn't
*stopped* him, he probably would've --  (interrupted by the sound of
laughter off screen)

(Linda frowns.  Tom looks stunned.  cut to shot of the two of them, zoom
through to show Amy sitting at the table next to theirs.  She lounges in
her chair, staring at them and smirking.  cut to wider shot.  Linda glares
at Amy.)

LINDA:  Something *amuses* you???

AMY:  Oh, I was just remembering the good old days. (Beat)  Listening to
you brings me back to when *I* was starting out in business.

LINDA:  *What* do you *mean*, starting out??!

(Amy's face takes on a faux incredulous look.)

AMY:  Well, aren't you a beginner?

(cut to hyper close-up Amy's face.  She glances in Tom's direction, raises
an eyebrow seductively.  resume wider shot.  Tom's mouth drops open.  Linda
sees this, then looks at Amy, her eyes practically shooting knives.)

LINDA:  *No*, I am *not* a beginner.  I'm with the Lawndale Businesswomen's
Alliance, for *your* information. (Beat)  I don't remember seeing *you* at
any of our meetings.

AMY: (unfazed)  Oh, right.  That's for Lawndale businesswomen, isn't it?

LINDA:  Hence the *name*.

(Amy pauses, as if thinking.)

AMY:  Well, I guess *technically* I'm a Lawndale businesswoman. (Beat)
*But*, when you divide your time between a flat in London, a house on the
Riviera, and a loft in New York, Lawndale suddenly seems a little...
(wicked) *insignificant*.

(As she says this, Linda's teeth are bared.  She looks like she's ready to
pounce on Amy.)

LINDA:  Oh *really*??!!

AMY: (still placid as ever)  Besides, I've always thought Lawndale
businesswomen were, well -- let's just say I've heard they wear the *pants*
in the family, if you know what I mean.

(Glances in Tom's direction.  cut to hyper close-up of Amy's lips.  She
runs her tongue across the top lip.  resume wider shot.  Tom falls forward,
gasping, his tongue hanging out of his mouth.  Linda sees this and now
becomes fully enraged.  She springs up out of her chair and heads over to
Amy's table.  cut to Amy's POV.  Linda stands over her, hands on her hips,
menacing expression.)

LINDA:  *What* is it you *do* again??!!!

(Amy pauses briefly to consider -- she and Helen hadn't rehearsed this part.)

AMY:  Uh, what you do, (smirks)  only *better*.

(cut to shot of Linda from Amy's POV)

LINDA:  Why *you* -- !!!

(cut to wide shot.  Linda starts to lurch toward Amy, arms outstretched.
Amy looks a bit worried.  from off screen: )

HELEN:  Amy, *there* you are!

(Linda pauses.  Helen enters the shot, places her hands on Amy's shoulders.)

HELEN: (cheery. affectionate)  Well *hi*, Linda, I see you've met my little
sister.  She's such a *kidder*, *isn't* she???  She does this *all* the
time at parties!

(Linda straightens up, looks at Amy, dumbfounded.)

LINDA:  So you're not --?

(Amy shakes her head.)

AMY:  Nope. (Beat)  I don't even live here.

(Linda's now recovered.  She tries to sound civil.)

LINDA:  Oh, *I* see. (Pause)  So you're Helen's *sister*, are you?

AMY:  'Fraid so.

(Beat)

LINDA:  Hmm. (Beat)  I guess it's finally nice to meet *that* girl's *mother*.

(Helen removes her hands from Amy's shoulders.  Amy suddenly looks a bit pale.)

HELEN: (to Linda. confused)  What do you mean?  *What* girl's mother?

LINDA:  The one with the *glasses*.

(Pause.  Amy looks very uneasy.  Helen gazes down at her with a dark frown.)

HELEN: (muttering)  *Daria*?

LINDA:  If *that's* what her name is.

(Amy tries to chuckle. makes "Ix-nay" gestures.)

AMY:  Oh no, you must've *misunderstood*, somehow. (Beat)  I'm Daria and
Quinn's *aunt*.  I'm just here for the weekend.

(Linda raises an eyebrow bitchily.)

LINDA:  My *Sandi* never misunderstands *anything*.

(Pause)

AMY: (weakly)  Sandi. (Beat)  Quinn's friend. (Beat)  She's... *your*...
daughter?

HELEN: (to Amy. faux sweetness)  That's how Linda and I *met*.

(If looks could kill, Amy would have died about five times by now.  She
smirks nervously.)

AMY:  Oh.

(Helen and Amy gaze at each other -- Helen wearing a vicious expression,
Amy nervous and apologetic.  Linda watches them.  She doesn't know what
happened, but somehow knows she's won.  Smirks victoriously.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (driving home)

(Shot of the car, with its top up, driving through the darkened streets.
cut to frontal shot of Helen and Amy inside.  Amy drives, wearing a solemn
expression.  Helen sits with her arms folded, frowning darkly, looking
toward the window.  Amy glances at Helen.)

AMY:  Helen, I --

HELEN:  Just don't *talk* to me, Amy!!!

(Pause.  Amy glances at Helen, tries again.)

AMY: (subdued. concerned)  Helen, I don't understand what you're so upset
about.

(Helen throws her hands in the air, looks at Amy with a disgusted expression.)

HELEN: (dripping sarcasm)  Oh you *don't*, do you??!! (Beat)  Well let me
*see* -- first there's the fact that you *humiliated* me in front of my
arch-nemesis --

AMY:  Actually, I think you --

(Helen glares full-on at her.)

HELEN:  -- *Then* there's the fact that you told me a bunch of *lies* at
the cafe earlier this evening!

(Pause.  Amy glances at Helen questioningly.)

HELEN:  You *told* me I was a good mother. (falsetto)  "Oh you're a good
*mother*, Helen!" (normal voice. bitter. hurt)  When in *fact* you knew all
*along* that Daria preferred *you* over me.

(Pause.  Amy shakes her head.)

AMY:  Helen, you've got it all wrong.  That's not how it was. (Beat)
Daria, Quinn, and I were playing a little game this afternoon --

HELEN: (bristling)  *What* game?!  "Reject *Mom*"?!!

AMY:  *No*. (Beat) Quinn was pretending to her friends that Daria was her
cousin. (Beat)  I played along, though I've been regretting it ever since.

(Pause.  Helen looks slightly placated.)

AMY: (continuing)  Look, Daria stuck up for you.  You should've heard some
of the things she thought up --

(Helen gets enraged all over again.)

HELEN:  *Thought* up??!  *Ohhhh*, you mean she had to *make* up *good*
things to say about me??!!

(Amy heaves a *big* sigh.)

AMY:  No, that's not it. (Beat)  Listen, I'm sorry I didn't mention all
this sooner, but (pause) I didn't feel it was my place to get involved in
you guys's personal lives.

HELEN: (mutters)  Didn't feel it was your place to get involved... (sharp
laugh) ha!  Well *there's* the Amy Barksdale catchphrase if *ever* I heard
it!

(Pause.  Amy frowns.)

AMY: (anger creeping in)  What's *that* supposed to mean??

HELEN: (cutting sarcasm)  It *means* that you're not exactly the *giving*
type, Amy. (Beat)  You close yourself off from everyone around you -- no
family, no relationship, and probably no *friends*, unless you count that
*Steve* fellow.

(During this speech, Amy's frowning darkly.)

HELEN: (continuing)  In *short*, you're about the *last* person Daria
should look up to as a *role* model!!

(Pause)

AMY: (sarcastic. angry)  Oh, and I suppose you'd rather she be a
stressed-out, overbearing, insecure, *nut case* like you.

HELEN: (bristling)  Now you just *hold* on a minute there -- !

AMY:  No *you* hold on, Helen!

(cut to overhead shot of the car.  It screeches to a halt to emphasize
Amy's rage... and because she and Helen at a stoplight.  resume shot of
Helen and Amy in the car.  Amy turns to face her.)

AMY:  For your information, I *do* have a relationship. (Beat)  My
boyfriend, Joel, and I have been going out for over *two* years.

(Pause)

HELEN: (calmed down, but still scornful)  Well you'd *certainly* never know it.

(Amy utters a sharp laugh.)

AMY:  *Yeah*.  That's because I don't want him *exposed* to you. (Beat)
You and Rita and Mom, you're *all* crazy!

(Pause. Helen looks chastened.)

AMY: (continuing)  And *as* for you and Daria, I'm sorry *your*
relationship isn't any better, but whatever's the problem, it's between
*you* and *her*.  Leave me *out* of it.

(Pause.  Amy lapses into silence, and she and Helen just sit there.  cut to
wider shot of the car.  We see another car in back.  It gives two loud
honks.  Then a guy leans out the window, shaking his fist.)

GUY:  Hey!  Move it or *lose* it, ladies!

(resume close-up Helen and Amy.  Helen bristles, then leans out her window
and shakes a fist back at him.)

HELEN:  Oh will you *shut* up, you misogynistic *neanderthal*??!!  Honest
to *God*, are all the *men* in this town -- ??!!

(Amy looks at her.)

AMY: (flatly)  *Helen*. (Beat)  The *light*.

(Helen turns around and faces front.)

HELEN:  Huh??

(cut to shot of the stoplight.  It's green.  cut to frontal shot Helen and
Amy.  Helen settles back in her seat.)

HELEN:  Oh. (Beat. grumble)  Just drive.

AMY: (icy sarcastic)  *Gee*, the thought *never* occurred to me.

(She hits the gas hard, producing the nasty squealing sound Daria was
making earlier.  cut to overhead shot of car.  They leave.)


(fade-out.  fade-in.  A short time has passed.  The car is now traveling
down residential streets, not far from home.  frontal shot of Amy and Helen
reveals that they are angry and silent.  Finally Helen breaks the silence: )

HELEN: (quiet. admitting)  *All* right, so it's *not* your fault Daria and
I don't have a better relationship. (Beat)  But you know what?  It's not
*my* fault, either. (Beat. voice rising)  And *dammit*, I am *sick* and
tired of her hiding behind her *sourpuss* façade and her "I'm a teenager"
*excuse* to avoid showing me any *respect* or-or affection!

(long Pause.  Then Amy glances in Helen's direction.)

AMY: (quiet)  Maybe you should tell her that.

(cut to: )

SCENE 7 (Morgendorffer house, night)

(Music plays.  shot of the upstairs hallway and Daria's door.  From
off screen left, Helen walks up and stands beside it.  She pauses for a
while, twisting her hands together, wondering whether to knock.)

(cut to shot of Quinn's door from the inside.  We hear the sound of hard
knocking.  cut to shot of Quinn, lying on her stomach on the bed, in such a
way that she faces the door.  She's doing her nails.)

QUINN:  Come  (sound of door flying open)  in?  (She looks up, cowers a
little.)

(cut to Quinn's POV.  Helen is standing over her, glaring.)

HELEN: (bristling)  Quinn, come Monday morning or maybe *sooner*, I want
you to march *right* up to your friends and tell them the *truth* about
Daria being your sister!

(cut to close-up Quinn. stunned)

QUINN:  But --

(cut to shot of Helen from Quinn's POV)

HELEN:  *No* excuses! (Beat)  Oh, and *if* I find out that you  haven't
been wearing your glasses like you were *supposed* to, I'll start sending
you to school with an *au pair*!  You *got* me?!

(cut to close-up Quinn.)

QUINN: (sound of gasping)  *Hgh*.  (her expression is a mixture of shock
and betrayal)

(cut to: )

SCENE 8 (outside the Morgendorffer house, next morning)

(Shot of the house.  cut to close-up of the driveway, where Amy's car is
now parked.  Daria stands unobtrusively in the background, beside the hood,
while Amy walks up to the driver's side in the foreground.  She's followed
by Jake, who's dragging her cumbersome bag behind him.  Amy looks at Jake.)

AMY:  Need a hand, Jake?

JAKE: (sounding winded)  Oh no, no, I'm fine.  (lays the bag on the ground,
straightens up, and brushes his hands together)  Well, it was nice havin'
you here, Amy.  (Beat.  suddenly looks sheepish)  I'm sorry about Helen --
*terrible* migraine, hit her *real* sudden.  (says it like he doesn't quite
believe it.)

(Amy nods.)

AMY:  I understand.  These things happen.

JAKE:  I'm *sure* she'd be out here if she could.  (awkward Pause.  finally
leans over to lift the bag.)  Well... allee-oop!  (tosses the bag into the
back seat.  cringes)  *Gah*!  (grabs his back.)

AMY: (concerned)  *Jake*?

(Jake rubs his back, straightens up a little.)

JAKE: (voice a bit falsetto)  I'm fine, I'm fine.

AMY:  You sure?  (Jake nods rapidly, a pained look on his face.  Amy
smiles.)  Look, thanks for everything.

JAKE:  My pleasure.  (Beat. can't keep the pain at bay. winces)  Now if you
don't mind, I gotta go find some painkillers!  (starts to leave)

AMY:  Yeah, you do that. (Beat)  Oh, and Jake?

(He turns to look at her.)

JAKE:  Uh-huh?

(Beat)

AMY:  I think you'd do great on a jet ski.

(Jake's face brightens.)

JAKE:  Aw, gee, *really*?!  (starts to straighten, then winces)  Gah!!!
(hobbles off screen)

(Amy winces and waves goodbye to Jake.  Meanwhile, Daria, who's been
observing all this, walks up to Amy and stands beside her.)

DARIA:  Think your car'll hold up after the workout it's had the past few
days? (pats the car door)

AMY: (looking down at the car fondly)  Yeah.  But I plan to give her a long
rest after I get back.  (Pause.  slightly disappointed)  So Quinn's not
coming out to say goodbye, I take it?

(Daria shakes her head.)

DARIA: (sympathetic)  Nope.  She's pretty mad. (Beat)  But don't worry: I'm
sure hell will freeze over soon.

(Amy forces a slight chuckle.  Pause.)

DARIA:  So what happened with you and Mom?

(Pause)

AMY:  I don't really want to talk about it.

(Daria shrugs an "Understood".  Pause.)

AMY:  Well listen  (leans over to hug Daria)  you take care of yourself,
okay?  (draws back)  Tell all those idiots who act like you're not worth
their time to shove it.

(Daria chuckles.)

DARIA:  I will.

(cut to shot of Amy from Daria's POV.  She opens the car door, is poised to
climb in.)

AMY:  It won't last, you know.  That stuff with Quinn and her friends.
Eventually you'll get past it.  (Pause)  You'll get past everything.  (last
sentence has a slightly hollow ring to it)

(Amy climbs into her car.  cut to high overhead shot showing the driveway
and front lawn -- as seen from a window.  resume close-up Amy and Daria.
Amy shuts the car door, leans toward Daria.)

AMY:  Hey, do me a favor -- be nice to your mom, okay?

DARIA: (not fully understanding)  Um, okay.

(cut to slightly wider shot of Daria and Amy.  Amy starts her car. the
motor purrs.  She backs out of the driveway.  Daria waves.)

DARIA:  Bye, Aunt Amy.

(cut to close-up Amy, now straightening her car out in the street,
preparing to take off.  She waves back.)

(Music plays.  cut to shot of Helen standing at her bedroom window, her
back to us.  She's been watching this entire scene.  She now turns to the
side, and we can see that her face is deeply melancholy.  Pause.  cut to
side angle of Amy driving away.  cut to close-up Amy.  She wears the same
melancholy expression.  cut to close-up Daria, her back to us, watching Amy
go.)


**********************
THE END
[roll the credits.........................
end song:  "Brick" by Ben Folds Five -- "She's a brick and I'm drowning
slowly..."]




A moment of silence...

***

***

***

***

Okay, now we can get down to business.  COMMENTARY (*Warning*, *warning* --
it's loooooong!  Get your peepers ready...)

First, the question that's probably on everyone's mind: why *Joel*?  Aw,
come on -- did you honestly think that "da bomb" *wouldn't* be dating
anyone??????  It'd be weird if Amy *didn't* have some variety of
"significant other."  Besides, I felt that by giving Amy a boyfriend, I was
adding an extra dimension to her life.  I wanted it to seem like she had
her own stuff going on, like her purpose in life wasn't to sit by the phone
and wait for Daria to call her.  However, for those of you who can't stand
the thought of "da bomb" being spoken for, I'll hint that there's a *wee*
bit of trouble in paradise...

Secondly, you're probably wondering: why did Amy go so easy on Quinn?  You
could debate into next season (since we know she's not coming back in
Season 3) whether Amy would have *really* let Quinn take shotgun in her
car.  I almost thought of leaving that part out, because I worried that
people who see Amy as Daria's defender might feel betrayed.  But then I
thought, "Nah!"  Here's my take on the subject:

I don't see any strong reason why Amy would be against Quinn.  Sure, she
would disapprove of most of what Quinn stands for, and sure she'd favor
Daria, but it's not as though Quinn poses a threat to her.  Hostility would
be understandable if Amy's life while growing up had been an exact mirror
of Daria's (i.e. popular and bratty younger sister), but it wasn't.
Whatever hostility Amy may feel, it seems she'd be more likely to channel
it toward her *own* sisters (which she does in Act III) than toward their
kids.  I'm saying, in a nutshell, that Amy is somewhat distanced from
Quinn, so she can afford to be "above it all" and act as the mediator in
Quinn and Daria's conflicts, as opposed to taking an active role.  That's
what happened in this case: Quinn called shotgun and got to the car faster
than Daria; technically, she did nothing wrong.  Amy knows that she *did*
do something wrong, but she figures that it's such a minor issue, it
wouldn't be worth it to "screw up the entire day" by harping on it.

Plus, maybe it's just my personal prejudice, but I feel that if you're
really a *cool* aunt, no matter how much you favor one of your nieces,
you're not going to fawn all over her and scorn her sister.  "Hey, it's my
favorite niece... and that *other* one."  The same logic applies to Amy's
relationship with Jake.  Yeah, Jake can be annoying, but he's done nothing
to earn her disdain.

Now, another question that comes to mind: would Quinn *dig* Amy?  The same
answer applies: I don't see why she *wouldn't*.  The only things Quinn
could object to are that Amy's "old" and that she doesn't know how to dress
-- and that second one could pretty much apply to anybody.  In spite of
Quinn's aversion to her "geeky" family, she seems to accept that she has to
do "family stuff" (see "The Teachings of Don Jake," "I Don't," etc.), like
spend the weekend with an aunt instead of with her friends.  Besides, Amy's
got a convertible!  :-)


All this talk about *would* Amy or *wouldn't* Amy brings me to a crucial
point: thus far on "Daria," we've seen *two* Amy's.  First we saw the
caustic one from "I Don't," then the *much* more laid-back one from
"Through a Lens Darkly."  While writing this fanfic, I took my cue from
TALD.  Because Amy was in her home environment there, I figured that for
the most part, she's probably pretty mellow -- unless she has to deal with
her whole family at a major event, like a wedding or a funeral (eh, C.E.?).
I also figured that if she were the mellow type, she'd be more likely to
mediate in a conflict than take sides (even if while doing so, she mentally
pelted one of the parties with stinging remarks).

Overall, I wanted to portray Amy as just a regular human being with her own
issues and hang-ups -- someone who was in Daria's corner and could lend her
support, but who, at the same time, was *not* Daria's mirror image, nor her
savior.

That brings me to Helen.  I wanted to explore relationships Amy might have
with people *other* than Daria, and to me, her relationship with Helen is
loaded with tension and juicy potential.  If Amy comes to play a greater
role on "Daria" (and we don't know, *dammit*!), my feeling is that a clash
between her and Helen is inevitable.  After all, Helen wants to be
"super-parent"; she's spent the past 2.5 seasons chiseling away at Daria's
rock-hard shell, and is finally starting to make some headway (see
"Monster," "Write Where it Hurts," and, arguably, "Through a Lens Darkly").
Naturally, if she saw Amy effortlessly cut through to Daria's inner core, her
hyper-competitive spirit would be inflamed.  While portraying the clash
that I *think* will happen between Helen and Amy, I also wanted to bring to
the surface some feelings that Helen must surely harbor within: namely,
resentment toward Daria for her lack of gratitude.  Helen's attempts to
"help" Daria are often misguided, but she at least keeps on trying with
every episode, and only rarely does Daria acknowledge this.

In fact, in my follow-up episode to "The Tie That Chokes," I plan to
explore Daria's convoluted relationship with Helen....

*Eek* -- I will say, the hardest part of writing TTTC was doing Act III,
which is almost *all* Helen and Amy.  It required imagining what their
rapport would be like if they were alone together, and, *gasp*, how Helen
would behave if she were forced to have a little fun.  Actually, neither
turned out to be as difficult as I expected; in the case of Helen and fun,
I just decided to make her act as though it were an exotic world that she
was getting to see for the *first* time.  Oooooooh.....


Okay, you've managed to wade through my analysis.  I appreciate it. :-)
Now here are some *points of interest*:

1)  Amy's age -- The general consensus is that she hasn't reached forty
yet, so she's got to be at least eight years younger than Helen.  I would
guess that she and Helen are eight to twelve years apart -- no more.
Otherwise, I seriously doubt that Amy would be able to remember what Helen
was like as a "child."  Ten years was the median age, so in this fanfic I
went with it....

2)  art appraiser -- I just got the idea from glancing at Amy's living room
in TALD.  She seemed to have a lot of nice artwork, etc., so I thought,
"Why not make her an *art appraiser*??!"  Hey, it set up some pretty good
lines, didn't it?

3)  dad in the army and the *son* -- There is *no* basis in the episodes to
suppose that Helen and Amy's dad was in the army, but it seemed like a nice
touch.  The same applies to their dad wishing Amy had been a boy -- it sort
of makes sense, doesn't it?  If you've already got two girls, and another
kid's on the way *years* after you've had the last one, wouldn't *you*
assume it was a boy (especially if you were a phallocentric army guy,
hee-hee)???

4)  flan -- That came to me courtesy of an episode of "Sabrina the Teenage
Witch."  Seemed less conventional than pie.  Oh, and in case you're
interested, it's pronounced "flahn," not "flaghn."

5)  cars, cars, cars -- Hey, if you want to go really *deep* with this
fanfic, consider the car motif.  I kept noticing, as I was writing, that I
made several references to cars.  There's Brian and his "damn Range Rover,"
Jake and his auto show, and Amy and her convertible.  I wasn't thinking of
what they symbolized when I mentioned them, but now that I look, all of the
references seem to form a strange, symmetrical tapestry.  In the beginning,
Daria criticizes Brian for avoiding their company because he was so
obsessed with his car.  At the end, Amy drives away in *her* car,
melancholy and alone.  In between, cars help build relationships and they
help break up relationships.  Heck, I dreamed up Jake's auto show primarily
as an excuse to get him out of the way so Amy, Daria, and Quinn could pull
off their little ruse -- yet somehow it fit!

6)  *Okay*, a pet peeve -- Since this *is* an Amy fanfic, I had to mention
the one thing that really bothered me about her appearance in TALD.  During
the time she's giving the speech to Daria about contact lenses, she gets up
and walks across the room... for *no* reason!!!  I mean, I *know* the
animators had to keep her from becoming a talking head, but couldn't they
have made her go across the room to *look* at something???  Or, better yet,
why not just have her shift around on the couch, examining her glasses???
Stuff like that's just always bothered me, and I had to get it off my
chest.  Thank you. :-)


I have a new game for those of you who are still reading.  In the
"Rose-Colored Lenses" postscript, I suggested that people count the number
of "Um's" if they were ever bored on a rainy day.  I didn't seriously think
anyone would try... yet C.E. Forman took me up on the challenge.  Way to
go!  Told me there were 29 "Um's" and one "Umm."  *Cool*, C.E. -- for your
prize, you get to be mentioned in my postscript (a *few* times, actually,
tee-hee).  Now for the new game: ** How many times do people *smirk* in
this episode?  And who smirks the *third*-most???**

I also have to call attention to a new feature I added to the commercials:
Next Wednesday on the Ten Spot.  With each fanfic, I intend to use this
section to give a few hints about the fanfics to come.....

And last but not least, thanks *so* much to all you guys at Lawndale
Commons who gave me geographical clues about Lawndale.  Let's see: it was
Martin Pollard, Bob Marley, and Emily Rosen, wasn't it?  *Sorry* if I left
anyone out!  And thanks, Guy Payne, for giving me some clues about vision
for "Rose-Colored Lenses" (sorry I didn't mention you last time!)....

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah....... if you're not blind by now, thanks for
reading!


This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright May 1999.  All rights
reserved.