Well, this is a long one, so let's not waste too much time here. My normal disclaimer applies, of course. There are footnotes to this story, included in a seperate file, and they might be helpful. I recommend reading them after you finish the fic. And, as always, send any feedback to kemicalreaxion@yahoo.com.

Ok, first off, to make things a little clearer, I'd like to list the cast of characters. This will make it easier to follow who's playing who in the story. Keep in mind though, that some of them are a bit of a stretch (like Upchuck, for instance).

Grease Character
Daria Character
Daria Morgendorffer
Jane Lane
Trent Lane
Jesse Moreno
Andrea Perish
Jodie Landon
Brittany Taylor
Quinn Morgendorffer
Kevin Thompson
Michael "Mack" MacKenzie
Ted Dewitt-Clinton
Helen Morgendorffer
Principal Magee
Angela Li
Sandi Griffin
Tiffany Blum-Deckler
Stacy Rowe
Vince Fontaine
Jake Morgendorffer
Patty Simcox
Charles "Upchuck" Ruttheimer III
Guardian Angel
Suprise Guest!!!
Johnny Casino
The Gamblers
Max Tyler
Nicholas Campbell
Various Students
Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie
Various Teachers
Manson, Barch, DeFoe, Bennett,
Morris, DeMartino, and O'Neill

Note: I took the liberty of making up a last name for Andrea, simply because it was important to one particular scene and it's never really been stated for certain what her last name REALLY is...although there is speculation.

Now that all that's over with...on with the show!!!


The opening scene starts on a beach. Daria is walking along in the surf by herself. She is wearing her normal apparel except that she is without her jacket and is also barefooted. The water splashes over her bare feet as she walks, looking off across the water, appearing to be bored. Scene fades to...

Daria on the same beach, this time further from the water's edge. She's sitting cross-legged on a blanket reading a book. She looks to be even more bored than before, and she occasionally glances up as if she's expecting someone. Scene fades to...

Same beach. Daria is seated on some large rocks right by the water. The sun is setting in the background and the sky is streaked with pinks and oranges. Daria glances down at her wrist, presumably at a watch, then glances left and right like she's looking for someone. Suddenly, the song "Love Is A Many Splendored Thing" swells in the background as water crashes dramatically against the rocks. Daria, now slightly damp from the ocean's surge, turns toward the camera with impatience and annoyance showing through her usually cool exterior. She rises from the rocks, climbs down onto the sand, and clears her throat.

Daria: (addressing the camera, or someone behind it) Excuse me.

A female voice, obviously the director, can be heard off-screen.

Director: (voice) Cut!! (sounding rather peeved) Daria! What ARE you doing?

Daria: You have to ask? Ok, the sand and surf crap I can stand. The picturesque sunset I can stomach...barely. But what's with the cheesy, sappy music? It's making me physically ill. This is purely my own opinion, but wouldn't me loosing my lunch right here on the beach kinda break the 'mood'?

The director, a young blonde woman wearing blue jeans, a maroon sweatshirt, sunglasses, and a black ball cap walks into view and approaches Daria. The woman is carrying the typical director's bullhorn.

Director: The music is part of the script. (accusingly) It's SUPPOSED to be romantic. You can't have a good love scene without sweet, romantic music.

Daria: I was under the impression you couldn't have a good love scene without a partner. Which brings me to my next question. Where the hell is Trent? Did he oversleep again?

Director: (sweetly) Oh, noooo. Of COURSE not. I'm sure he's just...in...make-up. Or...going over his lines.

Cut to...

A view of Trent's trailer. The front door has a star painted on it with the words 'Trent Lane' underneath. The cheesy music continues but much quieter and far-off sounding. As the camera zooms in on Trent's door, loud snoring can be heard within. Hold on a close-up of the door for a moment, then cut back to...

Daria and the director on the beach. The music gets louder again.

Daria: Whatever. Look, can't we make a deal here?

Director: What do you have in mind?

Daria: That depends. What would it take to get you to do away with the music? In fact, why don't we just skip this whole scene? I mean, nobody really cares about it anyway. The audience is just waiting for this to be over so they can get to the good part. Assuming there is one.

Director: A good part?

Daria: An audience.

Director: Tell you what. Remember what we discussed earlier in your trailer? That one little thing you insisted I cut from the film?

Daria: (looking a bit worried) Uh-huh.

Director: You agree to add it back in and I can make all this nonsense disappear.

Daria: (considers for a moment, then defeated) Ok...it's a deal.

Director: Super!

The two shake hands and the director makes a throat-cutting motion towards the camera. The music immediately stops. Daria looks relieved and the director, pleased, walks off-screen.

Director: (voice) Don't forget our deal!

Daria: (monotone) Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just cue the damn credits.

A version of the movie's theme song starts, but instead of being sung by Frankie Valli, it's performed by Splendora in more of a rock style and instead of being "GREASE is the word" it's been changed to "Cheese is the word." This is the only major change in the lyrics. As the song starts, the title screen is shown. It has the title ("Cheese") across the screen in bubble-type letters. The letters have several "Swiss-like" holes in them. Hold for a moment, then add the word 'Starring:' below it. Then, as the song continues, the cartoony-scenes of the main characters as well as the credits are shown. (If you don't know what I mean by "cartoony scenes" you might want to watch the actual movie. You'll know what I mean.)

The first of these scenes is of Daria. Pan across her room, careful to get a good shot of the wedge of cheese she has displayed on her dresser. There are cheerful birds chirping and Snow-White-esque furry animals chattering outside her open bedroom window. Daria is in bed with a pillow over her head. She gets up, annoyed, and goes to the window. The animals get angry and pissy as Daria slams the window shut, closing out the noise. Then, she looks at her reflection in the window, pushes her bed-matted hair out of her eyes, and slips on her glasses. Hold as text appears below her:

Daria Morgendorffer

Next cartoony-scene is of Jane. Pan across her bedroom reveals that the place is a mess. She is nowhere to be seen. Then the camera stops at her easel, which holds a painting of herself. The figure in the painting starts moving around, fighting to break out of the painting. Finally, the figure of Jane breaks free and jumps off the canvas. Then, Jane shakes off the excess paint much like a dog shakes off water, and she goes to the mirror. Hold on her reflection as text appears below her:

Jane Lane

Third scene is of Trent. Pan across his bedroom shows a drum set, several guitars and amps, etc. The camera halts at this point, expecting Trent to be here, but all the instruments are sitting there not being used by anyone. Pan continues across the room, which is even messier than Jane's. The camera stops at Trent's bed. He is sprawled across the bed face down, asleep. We can't see his face, but we know who it is. Hold as text appears below him:

Trent Lane

The next scene is Jesse. The previous scene of Trent pans back to the instruments mentioned before. All are still sitting there unused except for one guitar being played by Jesse. He's in the middle of a ripping guitar solo and he's swinging his hair around so his face is not visible. Suddenly the amp blows up and the screen is filled with smoke. When it clears, Jesse's stunned face is finally visible. Hold as text appears below him:

Jesse Moreno

The final scene is of Quinn. She is in her perfect little bedroom getting out of bed early in the morning. She, however, is less than perfect. Her hair is messy and covering her face. Her clothing is rumpled and she trudges out of her room to the bathroom down the hall. She sluggishly grabs her make-up bag and opens it, going to work. She frantically works, causing a heavy cloud of powder to cover the screen. When it clears, we see her looking into the mirror, her usual pert and pretty self. Hold on the reflection as text appears below her:

Quinn Morgendorffer

Finally, the cartoony-scenes end as the song ends. Instead of repeating the lyrics "Grease is the word, is the word, is the word..." over and over, the song ends as a subtle "la la LA la la, la la LA la la..." repeats and fades out. A picture of the outside of Lawndale High appears on the screen and the camera zooms in as the song ends, and the action truly begins...

Shot of Lawndale zooms in to show Kevin walking up to the school. He is wearing jeans and a black leather jacket...with his football jersey and shoulder pads under it, of course. He spots Mack sitting at a bench outside the school. Mack has on black jeans and the same type of jacket. Both his and Kevin's jackets say "T-Birds" on the back. Mack stands and gathers his books from beside him. He spots Kevin and looks visibly annoyed. He picks up his football helmet and sticks it under one arm. Kevin has no books and is WEARING his helmet. He walks up to Mack.

Kevin: Yo, Mack Daddy!

Mack: Don't call me that. (they start to walk towards the front door) Hey Kevin, you haven't seen Jodie, have you?

Kevin: Of COURSE I have, bro! And boy, is she HOT!

Mack: I MEANT, have you seen her recently?

Kevin: No way, man. I only have eyes for Brittany now. (beat) So why aren't your wearing your helmet, bro?

Mack: (getting more exasperated) Kevin...coach said to CARRY them on game days. You don't have to actually wear it. (Kevin looks confused) Besides, I don't think you have to worry about a severe blow to your head doing any actual brain damage...with or WITHOUT the helmet.

Kevin: Yeah, you're probably right. (takes off the helmet) Tell me again why we're supposed to carry these around?

Mack: Coach says that if we're constantly reminded of the game by carrying our helmets, that we'll eat, breathe, and think football all day. Helps us keep our minds focused on the game.

Kevin: Oh yeah! (beat) So...who are we playing again?

Mack frowns and says nothing. It's the first day of school and he's sick of Kevin already.

Cut to...

The school parking lot. Trent pulls his blue car into a parking spot. The passenger side door opens and Jane gets out.

Jane: Thanks for the ride, Trent.

Jodie and Brittany climb out of the back. Brittany is giggling hysterically about something in her usual, bubbly, high-pitched voice.

Trent: You owe me. (beat) Big.

Jane: So, you're still picking me up after school, right?

Trent: Sure. You know. Whatever.

Jane: No, I DON'T know whatever. Look, just don't forget. And set your alarm this time so you don't oversleep, ok?

Trent: Gotcha. (Jane slams the door and he drives off)

Jodie and Brittany follow Jane to the school building. Jane is dressed in a black skirt and blouse and is wearing large black shades. Jodie has her hair in pig-tails and is wearing the signature pink jacket of the Pink Ladies. Brittany is also wearing a similar jacket, and is dressed in a long pink skirt, white blouse and has a big pink bow in her hair.

Brittany: (excitedly) I can't BELIEVE we're finally SENIORS!

Jane: (NOT excited in the slightest) Neither can I.

Brittany pulls a compact out of her bra and starts checking out her make-up in the mirror as they walk.

Jodie: I can't wait to see what fantastic things we can accomplish this year. There's just so much potential.

Jane: Yes. The potential to sleep in class, fail math AGAIN, and get sick off cafeteria meatloaf. How much more fantastic can it get?

Jodie: Come on, Jane. Can't you at least see the possibilities here? We're in a position of power. We can make a difference if we just apply ourselves. Don't you want to make a difference?

Jane: Sure, I want to make a difference. I think I'll start right now...by changing schools.

Brittany, not paying attention to where she's going, walks face-first into a tree and emits her trademark high-pitched squeal.

Brittany: (rubbing her nose) Oww!

Jane: (keeps walking, grins) Of course, this place does have it's more entertaining moments.

Jodie: (sighs) Jane...

The three girls walk into the school, Brittany lagging behind a little bit, but trying to catch up.

Cut to...

Interior of the school. The hallways are starting to fill up gradually with students. One of those students is Daria. She looks incredibly unenthusiastic and is carting around an armload of books. She's dressed in a yellow skirt, white blouse, yellow sweater, and her hair is flipped on the ends. Looks very "Sandra Dee," much to her dismay. She's mumbling to herself as she walks.

Daria: (looking down at her clothes) Damn wardrobe department.

Daria looks up and stops in front of the Principal's office. She hesitates for a moment, then walks in. Ms. Li is seated behind her large, paper-scattered desk. She is grinning, counting a huge stack of bills.

Li: Two-fifty...three hundred...three fifty...four... (notices Daria, quickly shoves the wad of cash into a drawer, flustered) Oh...um...I didn't hear you come in. Can I help you?

Daria: I'm Daria Morgendorffer. I'm new here, and I need my class schedule.

Li: Well, I'm sure you'll be VERY pleased with our program here. We PRIDE ourselves on making this the best, most rewarding experience of your life!

Daria: Not possible, unless it involves the sudden, unexplained disappearance of my family.

Li: (frowns) Hmm...you're one of those...pessimists...aren't you? (she says "pessimists" as if it's a dirty word)

Daria: Only if pessimism is defined as that annoying habit of seeing the world for what it really is. And for seeing how much it truly sucks.

Li is preparing to address this comment when Andrea walks in. She's dressed in a black skirt and tight-fitting red shirt. She's smoking a cigarette.

Li: (to Andrea) I don't have time to deal with you right now, Ms. Perish. And put out that cigarette. You know we don't allow smoking on school grounds.

Andrea walks up next to Daria, reaches across Li's desk and drops her cigarette into Ms. Li's coffee cup. Li is getting irritated by the both of them now.

Li: Oh, bother! Just...get out of here. Both of you!

Daria: What about my schedule?

Ms. Li digs through some paperwork and surfaces with Daria's class schedule. She thrusts it across the desk at her. Andrea has since reached into her purse and pulled out another cigarette. She's standing there, not lighting it, just rolling it between her fingers.

Li: There! Now get out of here. I'm really busy and I don't have the time or the patience to deal with your attitude right now. (to Andrea) Why don't you make yourself useful and show Ms. Morgendorffer to her first class.

Cut to...

Outside Li's office. Daria and Andrea exit and start off down the hall together. Immediately, Andrea pulls out her lighter and lights her cigarette. Daria looks over at her, slightly amazed. Andrea glares back.

Andrea: (holding up her cigarette) You want one?

Daria: No, I'm rather attached to my lungs, thanks.

Andrea: (shrugs) What kind of name is 'Morgendorffer' anyway?

Daria: I think it's German.

Andrea: You a Nazi?

Daria: Uh...no.

Andrea: Good. My name's Andrea.

Daria: What kind of name is that?

Andrea: French...Spanish...whatever. It's all Greek to me. What's your first class?

Daria: (looking down at her schedule) Grammar and Composition.

Andrea: O'Neill?

Daria: Yeah.

Andrea: Me too. What a wuss. (Daria glares at her) Not YOU. Him.

Daria: (after a moment) So what's Ms. Li's problem, anyway?

Andrea: Greed, power, or just regular ol' bitchiness. Who knows. Probably all three.

Daria: Please tell me this place gets better.

Andrea: Right after a nuclear fallout, maybe.

Daria: Funny, that didn't seem to help my last high school any.

Andrea: Don't worry about it. If things get bad, just take a heavy dose of Tuna Surprise in the caf and your problems will all be over in a matter of minutes.

Daria: Gee...my mouth is watering already. Is it lunchtime yet?

The two keep walking, and pass the Fashion Club standing around at their lockers. They are in the middle of one of their mindless conversations. Sandi, Tiffany and Stacy are all wearing eggplant-colored jackets. Quinn is the only one without a jacket.

Sandi: Did you SEE that new girl?

Stacy: The one with the glasses?

Tiffany: Glasses...ewww....

Quinn: I hear she's, like, a brain or something.

Sandi: Really?

Stacy: I can't believe she was wearing YELLOW!

Tiffany: That's soooo gross.

Quinn: I know. With HER coloring, yellow makes her look all sick and stuff.

Sandi: Let's just HOPE she doesn't have, like, a SISTER or something. The last thing we need is TWO of her milling around here.

Quinn: (laughs nervously) Yeah... (the bell rings) We'd better go. I want to stop by the ladies' room to check my make-up before class.

Sandi: Good idea, Quinn. You're getting kinda...shiny.

Quinn gasps and puts a hand to her face. Sandi grins and the four walk off down the hallway. A hind-shot of them walking away shows the word "Scorpions" across the back of their jackets.

Cut to...

Interior of O'Neill's class. Mack, Jane, Brittany, and Kevin as well as a few other students are there already. Most of the class is in an uproar: talking, laughing, playing footsie (that would be Kevin and Brittany). Kevin, incidentally, is once again wearing his helmet. Jane is silent, sitting toward the back drawing something we can't quite see yet. Andrea and Daria walk in. Andrea takes her seat and Daria sits in the only empty chair, which is right in front of Jane. Jane looks up at her only momentarily, obviously not impressed. O'Neill is at the front of the class writing something about misplaced modifiers on the chalkboard. Suddenly the PA system comes on and Li's voice booms out into the classroom.

Li: Welcome Laaaaawndale students. Today, as you know, is the first day of a new year. We on the faculty are just as excited to be here as you are. It's going to be a great...

She drones on. Daria gets bored and turns around to whisper something to Andrea, who is behind her, one aisle over. But Andrea is already asleep. Daria catches a glimpse of Jane's drawing. It's a picture of a guillotine with Li's body sticking out behind it. Her head is bouncing along on the ground below and in place of her eyes are huge dollar signs. Daria is impressed.

Daria: Not bad.

Jane: It's a dream I've always had. (beat) You're new, aren't you?

Daria: How can you tell?

Jane: You're still awake.

Daria: So are you.

Jane: Hmm...well, there goes THAT theory.

Daria: So is this school really as bad as it seems?

Jane: Depends on your perspective.

Daria: Ok...is it bad from YOUR perspective?

Jane: Yes.

Daria: And from Andrea's?

Jane: Yes.

Daria: (looking around, points at Kevin, who is now beating his head on the table to see if the helmet really works) What about him?

Jane: Kevin? Well, as soon as he learns all the big words required to answer that question, I'll ask him.

Li continues her long-winded speak.

Li: ...which brings me to some EXCITING news. A very popular television show has chosen LAAAAAAWNDALE HIGH as its representative high school and will be doing a show from our very own gymnasium later this year. The identity of the show is known only to a select few and is to be kept a secret until the night of the event. This is a very exciting moment for the entire school, as the show will be broadcast all over the country. This will be an incredible opportunity to show the entire nation what a wonderful, inspiring person I am....oh, and all of you will be on the show as well, I suppose. So, be sure and attend this momentous event. Tickets are five dollars per person and participation is, of course, voluntary. Those not attending will see me next week about working off this wasted opportunity by scraping graffiti off the bathroom walls. Thank you!

Daria: Damn...now how will all the guys know where to go for a good time?

Jane: Don't worry about it. I think they already have Quinn's number on speed dial.

Daria: Wow, and she's only been here one day. She sure works fast.

Jane: You know Quinn?

Daria: She's my sister. Or cousin, depending on who you ask.

Jane: Oooo... (indicates her drawing) Would you like me to behead HER next?

Daria: Nah...I've always leaned more towards firing squads, myself.

Cut to...

Outside the school, lunchtime. Mack and Kevin are sitting in the bleachers at the football field. Mack pulls a sandwich out of his sack lunch and munches on it silently, his helmet setting next to him. Kevin is leaning over the pole separating the stands from the field. His head has been hanging upside down for quite some time now, and he's starting to sway, getting light-headed. He's no longer wearing the helmet.

Kevin: Look, Mack Daddy! They all look like little ants from up here!

Mack: (stands and peers over the pole) Those ARE ants. And don't call me that.

A voice from off-screen interrupts.

Trent: (voice) Yo.

Mack straightens and goes to greet Trent as he walks toward them. Trent slaps Mack on the back as if they are good friends. Trent, like the other two, is also wearing a black T-Bird jacket. Jesse follows closely behind him.

Mack: Hey guys.

Jesse: Hey.

Trent: (looking at Kevin, confused) Umm...what's he doing?

Mack: Letting all the blood rush to his brain. (beat) Or where one might have once resided.

Trent: (laughs/coughs) So, how was your summer?

Mack: The usual. Working a stupid job. How about you?

Trent: Not much.

Jesse: He overslept.

Mack: Overslept? For what?

Trent: I was supposed to meet this girl at the beach. But Jess and I were up practicing pretty late the night before...and that morning. So I missed it.

Mack: Was she mad?

Trent: I don't know, I haven't heard from her since.

Mack: What's her name?

Trent: Daria.

Mack: Daria...why does that name sound familiar?

Kevin stands up finally and weaves around dizzily, almost falling over.

Kevin: Whoa! I feel.....SOOOOOO weird!

Jesse: (watches Kevin with mild interest) Cool.

Trent and Mack sit there watching Kevin make an ass of himself...again. Trent's expression doesn't really show what he's thinking. Mack is gritting his teeth and looks like he's getting fed up with Kevin's idiotic antics. Hold for a moment on the two.

Cut to...

Outside the school again. This time it's at some picnic tables. There is a large group of students seated around here, eating lunch and gossiping. One of these groups consists of Jane, Brittany, and Jodie. Brittany is staring at her tray, a dazed expression on her face. Jodie, seated across from her is eating thoughtfully. Jane is sitting at the end of the bench next to Brittany. She reaches into her backpack and pulls out a candy bar, unwraps it, and starts to eat. Brittany starts poking at her food with a fork, disgusted.

Brittany: Ugh! What IS this stuff?

Jane: Better eat it, Brittany, before it scampers away.

From behind Brittany, Andrea and Daria walk up. Daria takes a seat on the end next to Jodie, and Andrea pulls up a metal folding chair at the end of the table, between Jane and Daria.

Andrea: Daria, these are the girls. Girls...Daria.

Daria: Please, no FORMAL introductions. You're embarrassing me.

Jodie: (smiles, looking up from her food) Hi! I'm Jodie Landon. I'm running for President of Student Council.

Andrea: (under her breath) And EVERYTHING else.

Jodie: Nice to meet you, Daria.

Daria: Yeah.

Jane: I'm Jane Lane...you'd know that already if O'Neill hadn't interrupted our insightful conversation earlier.

Daria: I know. It's almost as if he expects us to pay attention in class and actually attempt to learn something.

Jane: What was he thinking!?

Daria: Apparently he wasn't. (Jane laughs)

Brittany: (oblivious, still looking at her tray) Oh, doody head! I lost one of my nails in the mashed potatoes!

She starts digging through the mess with her fingers.

Jane: That's Brittany Taylor. When her life-altering crisis is over, maybe we'll introduce you to her.

Daria: Can't wait.

Jodie: (notices that Daria doesn't have any food) Aren't you going to eat anything?

Daria: I didn't bring a sack lunch...and the cafeteria food looks like nuclear waste. And actually kinda smells like it too.

Jodie: I know what you mean. (hands Daria an apple off her tray) Here, you can have this. The fruit is relatively safe, most of the time.

Jane: Except when it's not.

Daria: That's very reassuring.

Daria and Jodie continue talking. Andrea leans over to Jane.

Andrea: (whispers) What do you think about Daria?

Jane: She's alright.

Andrea: You think she could be a Pink Lady?

Jane: What makes you say that?

Andrea: She's cynical, pessimistic, and hates this school already...and she hasn't even been here for a full day yet.

Jane: True enough, but didn't you hear her in O'Neill's class earlier? (remembers that Andrea sleeps through every class) Oh, right. I guess you didn't. She knew all the answers.

Andrea: You mean she's a brain.

Jane: Yeah. I mean, that was okay for Jodie. We made an exception for her, but where should we draw the line? We don't want everyone at this school to start thinking we're the Honor Society or something.

Brittany, who has been digging persistently through her mashed potatoes for the lost fingernail, raises her hand triumphantly in the air, holding the fake nail between her fingers. The nail itself and both of her hands are coated with potatoes and gravy.

Brittany: (gleeful) I FOUND it!

Jane and Andrea exchange knowing glances.

Andrea: You were saying?

Jane shrugs. View switches back to Jodie and Daria as Upchuck comes up behind them. He's carrying a white plastic bag and wearing a large button with his face on it. The button reads "Vote Chuck."

Upchuck: Hello, ladies! I've got some exciting news that just might interest you.

Jane: You're moving to Zimbabwe?

Upchuck: I'll have you know that I, Charles Stanley Ruttheimer the Third, am running for Student Council President. Couldn't you just DIE!

Daria: (not missing a beat) No, but you might.

Jane and Andrea look at each other. Jane is grinning, and Andrea ALMOST cracks a smile.

Jane & Andrea: (to each other) She's in!

Upchuck: Rrrr...feisty!

Upchuck squeezes himself onto the bench in between Jodie and Daria, placing his arm slyly around Daria's shoulders. She looks a tad uncomfortable and Jodie just tries to scoot away from him a little.

Upchuck: I don't believe we've been properly introduced. My name is Charles, but you can call me...YOURS!

Daria: My name's Daria, but don't bother calling me. We have caller ID.

Upchuck: Ouch! Ooo...hurt me, you tantalizing temptress you!

Daria glares at him and he takes this as a warning. He quickly removes his arm from her shoulder and turns to the rest of the group.

Upchuck: So, what d'ya say, ladies? Can I count on your votes?

Daria: You can count your votes on one finger.

Jane: And we'd be more than happy to show you WHICH finger.

Upchuck: (not ready to give up yet) Hmm... (reaches into his bag and pulls out a "Vote Chuck" button, to Jodie) What about you, babe? Want to climb on my bandwagon?

Jodie: (annoyed but trying to hide it) You're joking, right? I'm the one running against you.

Upchuck: (undaunted) C'mon. A vote for Charles is a vote for...

Daria: Nausea?

Jodie: Upchuck, no offense, but I am NOT going to vote against myself.

Upchuck: I'll make it worth your while, (suggestively raises his eyebrows) if you get my drift.

Jodie: Excuse me?

Upchuck: Why fight it, love? I could make your wildest dreams come true.

Jane: So you ARE joining that monastery after all?

Daria: (sticks out her hand, palm up, to Upchuck) Here, I'll take one of those.

He hands her a button. She gets accusing and questioning looks from the other girls and she looks back at them as if to say 'Just humor him a little.' So, Jane, Andrea, and Brittany also take one. Brittany, clueless, puts hers on, but the others just hold them for awhile. Jodie still isn't sure.

Upchuck: How 'bout it, Jodie my sweet? Get 'em while they're hot. One day, when I'm famous, these babies will be collectors items.

Jodie: (seeing the encouraging expression on Daria's face, holds out her hand) Fine, I'll take one.

Upchuck: Fantastic! (beat) Mind if I pin it on you myself? (grins)

Jodie: (forcefully) I'd rather you didn't. (she takes the pin and he shrugs, walking off)

Upchuck: (as he walks off-screen) Nice doing business with you ladies. Happy voting.

The girls watch him go. Once he's safely out of view, they gather their books and head for the school building. They walk silently past a large metal trash can, and one by one they deposit their 'Vote Chuck' buttons in the garbage can. Brittany, the last in line, stops at the trash can, confused, glancing down at her button. The others keep walking. She finally gets it, shudders, and takes off the button, disposing of it as the others did.

Brittany: (dusting the 'Chuck germs' off her blouse) Ewwww. (noticing that she's been left behind, runs ahead waving her arms and bouncing all the way) Hey guys! Wait for me!

Cut to...

Inside the school again, Jane and Daria are walking down the hallway together.

Jane: So, did you enjoy that little visit from our resident perv?

Daria: About as much as I enjoy "Family Lasagna Night."

Jane: Your parents actually do that? Yikes. The closest my family has come to bonding was the time my brother Trent got into the super-glue and accidentally glued his hand to my face.

Daria: You really ARE a close family. (beat) Wait a minute...what did you say your brother's name is?

Jane: Trent. Trent Lane.

Daria: Tell me something. Does this brother of yours suffer from Narcolepsy, by any chance?

Jane: (shocked) How did you know?

Daria: (smirking) Lucky guess. (the bell rings) I'd better get to class. I'll catch you later.

Jane: Sure. Later. (yells after Daria as she races down the hall) Don't forget the mandatory pep rally after school!

Daria waves to indicate that she heard her. Jane watches her go, then shrugs and turns to go to her own class. On her way, she passes the teachers lounge and hears music coming from inside. Curious, she stops outside, considers opening the door, and then decides against it.

Jane: (shakes her head and moves on) I don't EVEN want to know.

Cut to...

Inside the teacher's lounge. The music is going...it's the opening to "Summer Nights," the part that plays before anyone starts singing. Inside the lounge, there is a circular table and a small counter with a coffee pot. O'Neill, DeMartino, Li, Barch, DeFoe, Morris, Manson, and Bennett are scattered around the room, some sitting, some leaning, some standing. Most are drinking coffee and look tired and disheveled. None are thrilled to be back.

Barch: (talking over the music) I can't believe we have to be back here already.

O'Neill: (wistfully) I know...the summer went by so fast.

DeMartino: So, how DID everyone spend their INORDINATELY short summer?

Bennett: Well....
Summer break, had me some fun

DeFoe: Summer break, laid out in the sun

Barch: Wild romance, gone in a flash

O'Neill: It was nice (whispers to Barch) but you gave me a rash

Summer days slipping away now we long for our summer break
Give us more, give us more

Li: Three months just ain't enough

All: Give us more, give us more

DeMartino: Don't MAKE me get ROUGH!

O'Neill: Sandy beaches, long country drives

Barch: Weekly meetings of "Ex-Wives With Knives"

DeFoe: Wake up early, watch the sun rise

DeMartino: Sleeping LATE, resting my EYES

Summer breeze gone with such ease how we yearn for our summer break
We want more, we want more

Manson: Need more time to relax

All: We want more, we want more

Li: Time to polish my plaques

Morris: Trained for weeks to run the 10K

O'Neill: Starched my shirts, baked a soufflé

Bennett: Spent some time with all of my kids

DeMartino: DRANK so much, I'm not SURE what I did

Summer seems just like a dream now we wish for a summer break
Give us more, give us more

Manson: One more week would be fine

All: Give us more, give us more

DeMartino: Cuz I'm LOSING my MIND!

DeFoe: Making jewelry, painting 'til dawn

Li: Pulled a muscle mowing the lawn

Morris: Cheerleader camp out with our girls

O'Neill: Roller coasters, rode 'til I hurled

Summer winds, now it all ends how we long for our summer break
Give us more, give us more

Bennett: I've got roses to plant

All: Give us more, give us more

DeMartino: Don't you DARE say you CAN'T!

Li: Now it's August, time to move on

Barch: Time to try and teach these morons

DeFoe: Looks to be another long year

O'Neill: How much longer 'til Christmas is here?

Summer song, summer is gone now we long for our summer break
Give us more, give us more

The music swells, then finally ends, as does the singing. Silence fills the lounge for a moment as the teachers contemplate their summers. Then, all the faculty members sigh, get up, and head out the door to go back to class without another word.


Act I | Act II | Act III | Act IV | Act V | Endnotes