by: Kemical Reaxion


Jane's bedroom. Jane is standing by the bed in a pair of black shorts and her black V-neck shirt, drying her hair off with a towel. Daria is sitting on the edge of the bed listening to the explanation of what happened.

Daria: I can't believe Sandi would stoop so low. I'm surprised somebody didn't get hurt.

Jane: Well, I think Quinn's pride was bruised a little, but no physical scars to speak of.

Daria: Damn.

Jane: I knew you'd be disappointed.

Daria: So, what happened next?

Jane: Well, after Sandi tossed the firecrackers under Quinn's chair, Mr. DeMartino went berserk! Vietnam flashbacks or something.

Daria: He thought snipers were taking pot-shots at him from behind the punch bowl? Again?

Jane: Something like that. Anyway, he freaked out and went into hysterics, dropping his whiskey bottle on the floor. Then, Sandi realized that her evil plan had backfired and tried to make a hasty retreat, but when she made a break for the front door, she stepped on the bottle. It rolled under her feet, she lost her balance and went flying head-first into the refreshment table. The presence of her empty, brainless cranium on the table added a nice touch to Ted's decapitated head cake.

Daria: I'll bet. But could anyone tell the difference?

Jane: I'm sure the cake probably tasted better. Anyway, Mr. D hit the deck, crawled on his belly to the emergency exit and escaped out the back. Unfortunately when he opened the door, it set off the fire alarm.

Daria: And the sprinkler system.

Jane: Boy, you catch on quick, don’t ya?

Daria: So, Ms. Li canceled the show?

Jane: She tried, but not before the crew got some marvelous footage of Lawndale High at its finest.

Daria: THAT'LL really put her in good standing with the Board of Education. So are they going to air it?

Jane: Are you kidding? They're devoting an entire hour-long special to the weirdness and insanity of Laaaaawndale High.

Daria: Why am I not surprised?

Cut to...

Trent's room. Jesse is lounging on the end of Trent's bed, his hair dripping wet. Trent is sitting cross-legged on the floor, his guitar resting in his lap. He's not playing anything though. He's too busy listening to Jesse, who is also talking about what happened, from his own unique perspective.

Jesse: Then, when Jane and I finally stopped yelling at each other, we realized Tom had heard the whole thing.

Trent: Whoa.

Jesse: Yeah. So I figured since he was just standing right there, it would be the perfect opportunity to ask him to join our band.

Trent: Really? What did he say?

Jesse: "Just don't tell Monique. She frightens me."

Trent: Excellent. (beat) So...what happened after that?

Jesse: Huh?

Trent: What set off the fire alarm?

Jesse: Oh, I don't know. I wasn't paying attention.

Trent frowns, donning an "I should've known better than to ask Jesse" look.

Cut to...

Drive-in movie theater, night. The sounds of a really bad monster movie can be heard in the background. The Tank is parked in one of the spots. Jesse is sitting in the driver's seat. Jane and Tom are in the back of the van, talking and holding hands, but nothing more. Jesse keeps adjusting the rear-view mirror to keep an eye on them. It's hard to tell whether he's jealous or if he's just watching out for Trent's little sister. Andrea is standing outside the van on the passenger side, smoking a cigarette. Pan to the right shows Jodie and Mack sitting in Mack's car. Jodie is sipping a large fountain drink and Mack is chowing down on a hot dog. Neither are really interested in the movie. They look bored. Pan to the right to show Kevin's car. All we can see is a few legs sticking out of the backseat windows and we can hear kissing noises. It's most definitely Kevin and Brittany. Pan to the right one more time shows Trent's blue car. Trent is lying on the hood of the car, asleep. Daria is next to him with her arms crossed firmly across her chest.

Daria: (looking straight ahead) Since when does Lawndale have a drive-in? (beat, looks over to see Trent asleep) That's it. I'm outta here.

She uncrosses her arms and pushes herself off the hood of the car. She starts to walk away towards the left of the screen. Pan follows her as she walks past all the other cars parked there.

Daria: (mumbling) This is stupid. (walks by Kevin's car)

The director's voice chimes in from off-screen.

Director: Cut!!! (irate) Hey! Where are you going?

Daria: (walking by Mack's car) Bolivia.

Director: (as Daria walks by the Tank) But we've got a scene to do!

Daria continues walking. Finally, she passes Andrea and walks off-screen.

Director: (pleadingly) Daria! You can't just walk out of a drive-in!

Andrea: Newsflash, genius. She just did.

Director: (indignant) Well! I never!

Andrea: That's obvious. (stomps out her cigarette and climbs into the van, to Jesse) Let's hit the road, Slick. This IS stupid.

Jesse starts the engine and pulls out of the spot. Mack sees them leaving and follows. Kevin, now in the driver's seat with Brittany beside him, their hair mussed and their clothes all twisted, also follows. Trent, still asleep, is the only one of the group still there.

Director: (still off-screen) Hey! HEY!!!! Come back here! That's it, you're all fired!

Trent: (hears the screaming, wakes up, groggy) Huh? What did I do?

Director: (frustrated) Ooooo!

Cut to...

Jesse's garage interior. There is a quickly thrown together wooden stage at the back of the room, with various instruments lying. There are two beanbag chairs in front of the stage and a small CD player boombox in between them on the floor. Along one side wall is a long work bench full of junk. Amid all the junk is a small CD case, a stack of vinyl records and more than a few empty beer cans. Otherwise, the garage looks the same as it did before. It still looks like a warzone. Cut to show the front door of the garage. Jesse, Trent, Jane and Daria are standing in the doorway. Jesse and Trent are looking at the girls expectantly, waiting for their opinions.

Trent: Well? What do you think?

Daria: I think this would make the perfect setting for the sequel to "Twister."

Jane: Trent, did something blow up in here or something? I thought you were going to work on this place.

Daria: Yeah. It looks the same as it did the LAST time I saw it.

Jesse: No, it's different. See? (points to the stage and the beanbag chairs) We fixed it up.

Trent: Looks great, huh?

Daria: Like a natural disaster.

Jane: (ambles over to the work bench and picks up an empty beer can) Nothing "natural" about THIS disaster. (turns to Trent) I thought you guys were going to make this into a grunge club.

Daria: This place isn't grungy enough for you, Jane?

Jane: True, but it's not much of a club, is it? I thought you guys might set up some chairs. Maybe put in some lighting. Build a decent stage... (Trent starts to speak up, but Jane cuts him off) A DECENT stage, Trent. What have you been DOING all this time?

Trent: Working.

Jane: (raises an eyebrow) Really?

Jesse: Sometimes.

Trent: It doesn't matter anyway. (makes an all-encompassing gesture) This is all we really need. Wide open space and a few instruments. You know, Nirvana didn't start out with some fancy studio. A real band is built from the ground up, with dirt, with sweat, with determination and hard work.

Daria: Hard work?

Jane: I find that hard to believe. (stares at Trent, then after a long pause) You were sleeping, weren't you?

Trent: (shrugs) Sometimes.

Jane and Daria look at each other and shake their heads, not surprised at all. Daria walks over to the workbench and starts looking through all the junk accumulated on top of it.

Daria: Where did all this stuff come from?

Trent: Most of it was here when we got here. We just left it where we found it.

Jesse: Some of it we swept up off the floor.

Trent: (pointing at a large misshapen hunk of metal, grins) That one fell on Kevin's head.

Jesse: But he was wearing his helmet, so it's cool.

Daria is picking through a pile of various nuts, bolts, nails, etc. She finds a small metal hook, the kind that can be screwed into a wall or other surface. She turns it over in her hands thoughtfully for a moment, then finally tosses it back on the pile and dusts off her hands.

Cut to...

In the hallway between classes at Lawndale High. Jane, Daria, and Andrea are standing at Daria's locker. Daria is swapping out books.

Jane: I can't believe Ms. Li is still harping on that "Sick Sad World" incident. That was weeks ago.

Daria: She doesn't give up easily. Especially when it involves the loss of school funds. I don't know WHERE she's gonna find money for that electrified fence now.

Jane: Do you think she'll ever find out who ruined her big moment in the spotlight?

Daria: Doubtful. And even if she did, it wouldn't matter. She wouldn't dare expel a Yorkie. Someone might report her to the ASPCA.

Jane:, let's tally up the score here. (counts off the following points on her fingers as she speaks) Sandi single-handedly cuts short a perfectly good party, makes the school look like a loony bin in front of millions of viewers, traumatizes Mr. D for life, causes water damage to hundreds of dollars in school property and gets away with it all.

Daria: Well, she did take that flying leap into the refreshments, completely trashing a brand new outfit and messing up her hair. I'd say for her, that's punishment enough. Plus, she also managed to humiliate Quinn, so I figure she did us all a favor.

Jane: Saves you from having to do it yourself, right?

Daria: Mmm.

Just then, Quinn and Tiffany walk by the girls. They are absorbed in their own conversation and pay no attention to Daria, Jane, and Andrea standing by.

Quinn: And did you SEE those God-awful boots she was wearing?

Tiffany: Oh...

Quinn: They were this HORRIBLE shade of dark green. You'd think she, like, joined the ARMY or something.

Jane: Maybe she was looking for a few good men.

Daria: Or just one good psychiatrist.

Quinn: I mean, the things were so HUGE, I don't even know how she could walk in them.

Tiffany: I know. That's soooo heinous.

The two continue down the hall and out of earshot. Daria slams her locker shut and shakes her head.

Daria: Once again, she swims the depths of shallowness and comes up drenched.

Jane: Hey, who knows? Maybe she'll cramp up. (beat) Just look on the bright side, Daria. At least we have friends who won't stab us in the back the first chance they get.

Daria: You know, as much as I hate to admit it, you're right. We're much better off than those self-centered poseurs. Ten years down the road, what will they have? Leathery skin from too much tanning. Hair like astro-turf from too much bleaching and curling. And where do you suppose their so-called "friends" will be?

Jane: Probably on a treadmill somewhere, sweating off a few quarts of Häagen-Dazs so they can look better than their old friends at their high school reunion.

Daria: Exactly.

Andrea: And where will WE be?

Jane: (laughs) Not on a TREADMILL, that's for damned sure. Boy, would I like to tell off those little twits.

Daria: Yeah.

The music starts for the next song.

There are worse things we could do, than wear big-ass army boots
Even though the entire school says we're boring and uncool

Daria: (spoken) Well, that's probably all true.

But there are worse things we could do
We could flirt with all the boys, treat them like our little toys
Like a lioness we'd pounce, tearing through their charge accounts
When they're broke, find someone new,
That's a thing we'd never do

We could go out every night, dumping boyfriends left and right
He's too short, or he's too tall, have no sympathy at all
For a stepped on heart or two

We could go through our whole lives, asking 'which is our best side?'
We don't bitch and we don't whine, might not be rich, but that's just fine
We've got so much more than you
We've got real friends, tried and true,

All: And that's the BEST thing we could do.

The song ends with the three girls in a row, their arms around each others' shoulders. Silence follows for a moment. Then, they look at each other, and, realizing that this is kind of a weird, mushy, touchy-feely moment, they pull away.

Andrea: (clears her throat) Well, I'll see you guys later. (exits)

Jane: Yeah, later. (exits in another direction)

Daria stands silently for a moment. She has a "what the hell was that?" look on her face. Finally, she shudders a little and exits in a different direction.

Cut to...

Inside the girl's restroom in the high school. Sandi is standing at the mirror, putting on eyeliner. Daria walks into the bathroom, but Sandi doesn't even notice her until she comes up beside her and speaks.

Daria: Drawing on a new face? It's probably for the best.

Sandi: (puts the cap on the pencil and drops it in her purse) What are YOU doing here?

Daria: Running a marathon, what's it LOOK like? (turns and looks under the other stalls, to make sure the bathroom is empty) Hey, Sandi?

Sandi: (now putting on lipstick) What?!

Daria: I know you might not believe this, but you and I are alot alike.

Sandi: (looks Daria up and down, condescendingly) Really? How so?

Daria: We work towards a common goal.

Sandi: Which is?

Daria: To make Quinn's life a living Hell.

Sandi: I don't know what you're talking about.

Daria: Come on, Sandi. I see what's going on here. You HATE Quinn. You have ever since she got here. (beat) Of course my GUESS is that you don't like ME either.

Sandi: Mmm-hmmm...go on.

Daria: But hating ME isn't really worth the effort, is it? Just like hating Jesse and all my other friends isn't worth it. We pose no threat to you. Quinn on the other hand...she's the one you have to worry about. She's the competition.

Sandi: Hmmm... (thinks for a moment) You've got a point. But why would YOU care what I do about Quinn?

Daria: In case you haven't noticed, Quinn and I aren't exactly Donnie and Marie.

Sandi: But Donnie's a guy.

Daria: Work with me here, Sandi. What I mean is, we're not what you would call the closest siblings in the world.

Sandi: (confused) Quinn's your sister?

Daria: Contrary to popular belief, yes.

Sandi: Well, now it all makes sense. (beat) So, you're saying we should work together on this?

Daria: Unless you think you can do it alone.

Sandi: (suddenly defensive) Of COURSE I can. I don't NEED your help or anyone else's. (beat) WHAT alone?

Daria: Make Quinn pay. Embarrass her. Bring her down a few notches. Make her crawl like the little snake that she is. Typical teen stuff.

Sandi: And you have a plan, do you?

Daria: I do. One that will not only put Quinn in her place, but will also make YOU look like the prom queen. Picture and Quinn, head-to-head, in a contest.

Sandi: What? How is THAT going to make Quinn look bad? You KNOW she'd just WIN or whatever.

Daria: Not with what I've got in store for her. She gets publicly humiliated and you come out of the whole deal ahead of Quinn, for once.

Sandi: And how are you going to do that? What are you planning?

Daria: I can't tell you.

Sandi: So how do I know you're not just making all this up? How can I be sure you're not just going to let me get up there and LOSE? To HER!

Daria: The last thing I want is to feed her ego and make her look good. I want to bring her down. YOU want to bring her down. Together, we can pull this off.

Sandi: Sounds good. (just then, Andrea walks in and enters a stall) Let's continue this discussion later.

Daria: Sure. Later. (Sandi leaves, Daria grins slightly)

Cut to...

Jesse's garage interior, evening. It's the night of the big contest. A microphone is set up towards the back of the stage, over to the left-hand side. The corners to the right and left of the stage are sectioned off by sheets hanging from the ceiling, so we can't see what's going on behind them. The guys' instruments have been moved off the stage and are lying by the stage, on the right side. There are several metal folding chairs set up facing the stage and there is quite a large group of people filing into the garage. Some are sitting in the chairs, while others are standing around behind them, waiting. We can see Stacy, Tiffany, the three J's, and several of Quinn's admirers from past episodes (Robert, Corey, etc.). Jodie, Mack, Kevin, Brittany, and Jane are all standing in a group towards the back of the garage. Andrea is off by herself, standing over by one of the hanging sheets, smoking a cigarette. Upchuck is sitting in the front row with a clipboard on his lap. Jesse, Trent, and Tom are sitting a few rows behind him, looking bored. Trent has the boombox on his lap. The beanbag chairs have been pushed off out of the way, along a side wall. Daria is nowhere to be found. Neither are Quinn and Sandi. Hold for a moment to show the full scene.

Cut to...

Behind one of the hanging sheets in the garage. Sandi is wearing a bathing suit and has a compact in her hands. She's holding it up in front of her face, checking her makeup.

Sandi: I still don't get it. Why can't you just tell me what you're planning?

Pan back to reveal she is talking to Daria. They are the only two behind the curtain. There is a chair set up behind Sandi, with several different outfits slung over the back of it.

Daria: C'mon Sandi, we discussed this already. When things start to go to Hell, who's the first person Quinn's going to suspect? You. And if you really, honestly DON'T know what's going on, then they can't drag it out of you and make you confess.

Sandi: I suppose.

Daria: Plus, it creates the element of surprise. If YOU don't see it coming, then when something does go wrong, you won't have to act surprised. You genuinely WILL be surprised. It will be much more believable that way.

Sandi: I guess you're right. (grinning) Just make sure Quinn gets it GOOD, ok?

Daria: Will do. Just go out there, strut your stuff like you normally would, and leave the rest to me. She'll never see it coming. Trust me.

Cut to...

Directly outside the sectioned off area. Andrea is standing by the curtain, listening to Sandi and Daria's conversation. It's difficult to tell what she thinks about the whole thing. After a moment, she crushes out her cigarette and joins Jane and the rest of the group.

Brittany: (as Andrea is walking up) I can't believe she made Upchuck the judge of this contest.

Jodie: Well, I suppose he WOULD be the most likely candidate. He's available and impartial.

Jane: Meaning he's a horny little devil who doesn't really care who wins as long as he gets to see a little skin.

Jodie: Pretty much.

Mack: What I don't get is why Daria would volunteer to set up this whole thing. It just doesn't make any sense.

Jane: If I know my friend at ALL, I'd say she KNOWS nobody can beat Quinn, and this is her way of getting back at Sandi.

Jodie: I don't know. Seems like an awful lot of trouble for someone she doesn't even care about. It's just so stupid and juvenile. I'd like to think Daria has better sense than that.

Andrea: So would I. (everyone looks at her funny) Would you excuse me? I have to get out of here. (she turns and leaves out the door)

Kevin: Dude! What is HER problem?

Jane: (watches her go, senses something's wrong) I don't know. But I'm gonna find out. (follows Andrea outside)

Cut to...

Daria comes out of Sandi's "dressing room" and runs into Stacy, who is staring down at a sheet of paper in her hands.

Daria: Stacy. I was just coming to look for you.

Stacy: (looks up) Really?

Daria: Yeah. You're in charge of the announcing at this little shindig, right?

Stacy: Uh-huh.

Daria: That's a big responsibility. You sure you can handle it?

Stacy: Yes, of course. (gestures towards the paper) I just have to get everything straight in my head. Who goes first. Who goes second. Swimwear. Talent. Evening-wear. It's so confusing.

Daria: Don't worry. You'll do fine. Everything is written down for you IN DETAIL. Just follow the program to the letter and you can't go wrong.

Stacy: (nervous) Yeah, I guess.

Daria: Mind if I take a look at the paper? Just to make sure everything's right?

Stacy: Sure!

Daria takes the paper and reads it silently to herself. After a moment, she nods and smiles, handing the paper back to Stacy.

Daria: Perfect. Knock 'em dead, kid.

Cut to...

Still Jesse's garage, a bit later that evening. The competition is well under way. Quinn is up on stage singing "What a Girl Wants" by Christina Aguilera. She's dressed in a short, sparkly outfit, and Upchuck is gazing up at her, practically drooling. Quinn's admirers are hooting and cheering her on. The others in the audience are looking on as well, mildly interested. Daria is sitting in a chair beside Trent. Quinn's background music for her song is blaring out of the boombox on Trent's lap. There is an empty seat on the other side of Daria, and after a moment, Jane comes in and sits down.

Daria: (to Jane) She really is a piece of work, isn't she?

Jane: (pleads, whispering) Daria, don't do it. Please, don't.

Daria: Do what?

Jane: Andrea told me the real reason behind this whole thing. I'm just begging you not to do it.

Daria: I'm sorry. I can't do that.

Jane: Daria! She's your sister. Flesh and blood, whether you want to admit it or not.

Daria: She won't admit it. Why should I?

Jane: I have alot of respect for you as a friend, Daria. You're a good person, and even though you and Quinn don't see eye-to-eye all the time, I know you care about her. Please...PLEASE, don't ruin what you have.

Daria: What I have? Jane, you don't know what it's been like living with her whiny, shallow, pain-in-the-ass self all these years. You get along with your siblings for the most part. The ones you DON'T like you don't have to put up with because they don't live with you anymore. I've put up with Quinn's crap long enough. (threateningly) Nothing you can say can change my mind on this, Lane. Don't push me.

Jane: (after a moment of stunned silence) Fine, do what you have to do. (stands) But I'm afraid I just don't know you anymore, Daria. (walks away)

Daria looks down at her hands in her lap for a moment, her fists clenched firmly. Finally, Quinn's song comes to an end and the audience applauds. Quinn leaves the stage off to the right, ducking behind the hanging sheet into her own make-shift dressing room. Stacy walks up to the microphone.

Stacy: (as the applause dies down) Thank you, Quinn! That was great! Now, we will have a short intermission before our final category of the night. Evening-wear!

Cut to...

It's intermission, and people are up milling around. Upchuck is standing outside Quinn's dressing area, trying to sneak a peek at her. A shoe comes flying out at him, nailing him in the head. His trademark growl can be heard as he walks away to pester someone else. Daria is sitting in the same chair she was in earlier. Trent and the others have gone outside for a moment, the unattended boombox sitting on Trent's chair. Jane walks up to Daria and stands next to her.

Daria: (not even looking up) Sorry. No vacancies.

Jane: (sits in the empty chair again) Daria, I don't want to fight, ok? I just don't want you to do anything you'll regret.

Daria: I know.

Jane: Just promise me that whatever you decide to do, no one will get seriously injured, ok?

Daria says nothing. She glances up at the stage, then back at Jane. Then, Stacy walks up to the microphone.

Stacy: One minute ‘til showtime! Please take your seats, people. Thank you.

Daria: (standing, frantic) I've got to go...check something.

Jane: Where are you going?

Daria: Not now. I'll explain later. (she runs up to the front of the stage, swears under her breath) Dammit, Jane.

Stacy comes back down off the stage and sees Daria standing up there.

Stacy: Daria, you'd better sit down. It's almost time to start the evening-wear competition.

Daria: I know. I just...have to check the stage. (beat) Safety precautions.

Stacy: Oh, right. Of course. Good idea! (she wanders off)

Daria looks around. Most of the people in the garage aren't really paying attention to the stage area yet. The only person that seems to notice her standing there is Jane, who is watching from her seat, a pleading look on her face. Daria turns away from her to face the stage, lifts a closed fist up in front of her, and opens up her hand to reveal a small hook. The hook is exactly like the one she found earlier on Jesse's workbench. Trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, she screws the hook into the wood at the end of the stage. Her actions are hidden by her body, so no one can see what she's doing. Then, she casually walks away, just as Stacy is making her way back to the stage. The hook, due to its size and color, blends in nicely and is nearly impossible to see from the audience. Jane stares at the stage for awhile, but can't see the hook and can't figure out what Daria did. She still looks a little worried and suspicious as Daria takes her seat beside her again, but she says nothing. Then, the show continues.

Stacy: Welcome back everyone! And now, for the final competition of the evening. And, it's EVENING-wear. (giggles) This is so exciting!

Trent comes back to his seat, moves the boombox to the floor and sits down. Upchuck is up front in his seat clapping his hands anxiously.

Upchuck: Alright! Bring on the ladies!

Stacy: First up, we have Quinn Morgendorffer.

After a moment, Quinn comes out onto the stage, looking a bit unprepared. She is wearing a long purple evening gown. Daria's eyes widen in shock. Desperately, she starts waving her arm to get Stacy's attention.

Stacy: Tonight, Quinn will be wearing a deep purple sequined... (spots Daria and loses her concentration) (looks down at her paper) Oh, poo! (Quinn looks over at her) Sorry, Quinn. I got confused.

Quinn, looking a little embarrassed, turns and leaves the stage, again disappearing behind the curtain. Daria puts her arm down and Jane looks over at her, raising an eyebrow. Stacy clears her throat and continues, still a little flustered.

Stacy: Sorry about the mix-up. Let try that again. (beat) FIRST up, we have Sandi Griffin.

Sandi walks out on the stage. She's wearing a long silver, satin gown with a short train that drags the ground. The top is strapless, done in silver and blue sequins, and she has a silver shawl over her shoulders. As Stacy talks, Sandi strides down the stage like she was on a runway, with attitude, swishing the gown back and forth as she walks.

Stacy: Sandi is decked out in this beautiful, elegant satin evening gown from Sass Unlimited. The bodice of the gown is accented with tiny blue and silver sequins...

As Stacy continues, Sandi reaches the front edge of the stage. Suddenly the scene goes into slow motion. Sandi stops at the end and holds her pose for a moment, then starts to turn around. Cut to a shot of Daria in the audience, holding her breath with her fingers crossed, looking nervous and hopeful. Cut back to a shot of Sandi. As she turns, the train of her gown sweeps across the surface of the stage and gets caught on the hook. She starts to walk away, and the hook is pulling at her gown more and more until finally a loud "rip" is heard and the lower half of her gown is torn away. The silver material floats slowly to the floor and Sandi whirls around, in slow motion, with a look of shear horror on her face. She is wearing only a pair of panty hose and a white girdle underneath. The top half of the gown is still intact but the bottom is completely gone.

Cut back to a shot of the audience. Daria grins and yells "Yes!" Trent and Jesse looked shocked, their eyes wide, while Jane is laughing hysterically. Soon, everyone else in the audience is laughing too. Cut back to the stage as the scene returns to regular speed. Sandi takes off the shawl and wraps it around her waist, shrieks, and runs for her dressing area. Stacy is seen behind her at the mic, looking horrified. As Sandi disappears behind the sheet, the only noise that can be heard is the roaring laughter completely filling the tiny garage. As the laughter fades out, dissolve into the next scene.

The crowd in the garage has thinned out considerably. The only ones left are Daria, Jane, Trent, Stacy, Jesse, Tom, Andrea, and Brittany. Stacy is up at the front, sitting on the right edge of the stage by the instruments, crying into her hands. Brittany is up by the stage talking to Stacy. Jesse, Tom and Trent are folding up the last of the chairs and carrying them out the door. Andrea is taking down the sheets and tossing them in a pile at the foot of the stage. Jane and Daria are off to the side, lounging in the beanbag chairs. They are each holding a can of soda.

Jane: Well, I must say, I'm damned proud of you, woman.

Daria: Thanks.

Jane: I mean, the whole hook thing was inspired. Where did you get such a crazy, screwed up idea?

Daria: I saw it on TV once, and I've always wanted to do it.

Jane: You're sick and twisted, you know that?

Daria: I learned from the master.

The two grin and raise their soda cans to each other, tapping them together in a silent toast.

Jane: Just out of curiosity, were you planning on sabotaging Sandi from the very beginning or did something I say to you tonight make you change your mind?

Daria: Have I ever been known to change my mind once it's made up?

Jane: No, I don't guess you have. Well, it does my soul good to know you never intended to harm your sister. And to know that you're on MY side.

Daria: (joking) Yeah. Unless you piss me off.

Tom walks up and stands in front of them.

Tom: Hey, Daria. You sure throw one hell of a party.

Daria: Thanks. I also do weddings and bar mitzvahs.

Jane: You ready to go, Tom?

Tom: Ready when you are.

Tom grabs Jane's hand and helps her up out of the chair.

Jane: I'll see you tomorrow, Queen Saboteur.

Daria: Later, P.I.C. (Jane grins and she and Tom exit)

Daria's attention is them drawn to the stage, where Stacy and Trent are sitting together. Trent is holding his guitar, strumming a few chords now and then. Stacy seems to be feeling better, and although Daria can't hear the conversation, she's starting to get a little jealous of Stacy. Then, Trent leans over, picks up Jesse's guitar off the floor and hands it to Stacy. Stacy shakes her head, refusing his offer, but he persists, and she takes the guitar. Soon, the two are playing a slow, quiet acoustical duet.

Daria stands, stretches momentarily, then leans up against the wall, still watching Trent and Stacy playing guitar. Daria is silent and lost in thought. She looks downright depressed. Brittany walks up beside her carrying a magazine and stands for a moment, watching Trent and Stacy, before speaking.

Brittany: (softly) Are you ok, Daria?

Daria: Yeah, fine.

Brittany: (more of a statement than a question) Stacy sure is pretty, isn't she?

Daria: Yeah.

Brittany: And popular. (beat) And talented. (beat) And...

Daria: Ok! I get it. (sighs) I couldn't possibly compete with that.

Brittany: Sure you could. I mean, not NOW, but maybe if you'd change your outfit, put on some make-up...

Daria: Get a new personality.

Brittany: I could HELP you, you know. (holds up her copy of "Val" magazine) Daria, do you know what this is?

Daria: Kindling?

Brittany: "Val's At-Home Pert And Pretty Popularity Makeovers, Special Edition."

Daria: Your point is?

Brittany: Maybe I could give YOU a makeover to get Trent's attention.

Daria: Brittany, unless you can make me over to look like a guitar, it's pretty hopeless. (gets an idea) Hey!

Brittany: (clueless) What? Are you going to make a guitar costume?

Daria: (dripping with sarcasm) No, Brittany. I think I'll just strip naked, spray paint the words 'Fender Stratocaster' across my body and hang some guitar picks from my ears. That should get his attention.

Brittany: Wow! Can I help?

Daria: know what? I think you can. (gestures to the magazine in Brit's hands) Might I see that?

Brittany: (thrilled) Sure!

Daria takes the magazine, rolls it up, and calmly wacks Brittany over the head with it. Brittany looks stunned and rubs her head for a moment. Daria hands the mag back to her.

Daria: Thanks. That helped immensely. Now, go get Andrea. I think I'm gonna need her help.


Act I | Act II | Act III | Act IV | Act V | Endnotes