Would You Like To Take A Survey?
Part III
By Mike Yamiolkoski
(based on a concept by Kemical Reaxion)
A while back, Kemical Reaxion released a little piece wherein she produced a standard internet survey and had Daria, Jane, Trent, and Quinn go through and answer the questions. It’s a funny piece of work.
With Kem’s blessing, I expanded on the concept and created results for Sandi, Stacy, Tiffany, and Jamie. That was part II.
This is Part III, wherein the same questions are answered by Brittany, Upchuck, Jodie, and Mr. O’Neill. Enjoy!
Of course, everyone reading this should also read the original at [http://vulcan.spaceports.com/~kem/survey.html].
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NAME: Brittany Taylor, with two T’s and a Y! Oh, and another T and Y for the last name.
AGE: 17 ½
SEX: Um… Okay!
EYES: Blue
WHERE DO YOU LIVE: With my daddy and my new stepmom
SIBLINGS: Just my little brother.
SCHOOL: Gimme an L! Gimme an A! Gimme the rest of the letters! What’s that spell? LAWNDALE!!
BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD: When you’re up on top of the pyramid and the whole crowd is cheering at you!
WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD: When a certain stupid, thoughtless JERK throws a bad pass and it knocks the pyramid over…
DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: My daddy’s always buying me stuff because he loves me, and my new stepmom loves to go shopping and rollerblading and stuff! Sometimes I miss my real mom, though…
DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS AND IF SO, WHERE AND WHAT OF: No, thank goodness! I can’t believe I almost let Kevvy talk me into that!
IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: Which one has more soda in it? That’s the one I want!
DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS: My computer doesn’t have keys, just a lot of buttons with letters on them
WHAT’S UNDER YOUR BED: Well, one time Robert had to hide under my bed because Kevvy came over and I wasn’t expecting him… but don’t tell Kevvy that.
FAVORITE NUMBER: One! It’s the easiest number to count to.
WHAT IS IN YOUR CD PLAYER RIGHT NOW: The Lawndale Lions fight song! I’m working on a new cheer.
ONE WORD TO DESCRIBE YOURSELF: Bubbly!
FAVORITE BODY PART OF THE OPPOSITE SEX: I like a guy with a cute butt – that’s why I date football players!
WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN: My cheerleading uniform – it saves time in the morning.
BEST ADVICE: Someone once told me that feeling bad about not feeling worse was good, but I don’t remember what she was talking about, it just sounded like good advice.
NON-SPORT ACTIVITY YOU ENJOY: Is cheerleading a sport? Because, it if isn’t, then that would be it, and if it is, then I can’t talk about what would be it.
SCARIEST THING YOU’VE EVER DONE: I had to babysit my little brother once… I still have nightmares sometimes…
FAVORITE THING TO DO IN WINTER: Cheer for the football team! Or the basketball team, I forget which one plays in winter.
FAVORITE COLOR: Blue and Yellow!
DO YOU SMOKE: I’m worried what it would do to my voice, so no.
WHO’S THE HOTTEST GIRL / GUY IN THE WORLD: Russel Crowe. Sometimes I tell Kevvy it’s him, but that’s just to make him feel better.
WHEN YOU DIE, DO YOU WANT TO BE BURIED OR CREMATED: Cremated… is that like the stuff in Twinkies? Because those are really yummy!
DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS: No, but there was this one time communists were trying to take over the school and Mr. O’Neill said they were really aliens.
THINGS YOU OBSESS OVER: Being the best cheerleader I can be!
A TEACHER YOU HATE: I like all my teachers, and they like me too. Just the other day Mr. DeMartino was telling me how much I make him look forward to retirement – it’s so nice knowing I’m giving people things to be happy about!
FAVORITE AUTHOR: William Shakespeare. He’s so romantic!
WHAT’S YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: That time I colored my hair black and went to that club just to see what it was like and it all dripped out all over me!
IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I’d like to be a little bit older, so I could be a model and be all sophisticated and stuff. Of course, I’d have to get a new boyfriend.
DO YOU ASK A GUY / GIRL OUT OR DO YOU WAIT FOR THEM TO ASK: Sometimes the really cute guys need a little help asking me out, so I make sure they’re watching when I try a new cheer and that usually helps. Of course, that’s only if I’m mad at Kevvy.
NAME A PERSON THAT REALLY GETS ON YOUR NERVES: Come to think of it, Kevin gets on my nerves more than anyone else!
SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT EACH PERSON YOU’RE SENDING THIS TO: Um… okay! I’ll go do that right away.
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NAME: Charles Ruttheimer III
AGE: 2 years past the age of consent
SEX: Bring it on, ladies! Rowrrr…
EYES: Hazel, deeply mysterious, yet somehow inviting…
WHERE DO YOU LIVE: Crewe Neck Estates. Ladies welcome!
SIBLINGS: Nary a one. Why would my parents keep trying once they’d attained perfection?
SCHOOL: A necessary evil.
BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD: Do I really need to answer that?
WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD: That time Jane got a little over-excited at my proposal for how we might spend the evening, and in the midst of a swoon managed to flip her knee into my, er, delicate parts with stunning force.
DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: To my father I owe a great debt – he has told me all I know of how to entice and woo the ladies. As for my mother, she has custody on alternate weekends.
DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS AND IF SO, WHERE AND WHAT OF: I would never mar my strong, masculine features with such artifice.
IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: Half full, and just waiting for the other half to plunge on in!
DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS: Actually, I’ve learned to type rather well with just one hand.
WHAT’S UNDER YOUR BED: Why not come on over and find out? Grrr…
FAVORITE NUMBER: Need you ask?
WHAT IS IN YOUR CD PLAYER RIGHT NOW: The Sultan of Suave himself, Mr. Barry White.
ONE WORD TO DESCRIBE YOURSELF: Feisty!
FAVORITE BODY PART OF THE OPPOSITE SEX: That’s like handing a menu to a starving man…
WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN: Wouldn’t you like to know?
BEST ADVICE: My father once told me the ladies love a man with confidence. Perhaps I’m overdoing it a bit, it does seem to trouble the shy, sweet ones.
NON-SPORT ACTIVITY YOU ENJOY: When you do it the Ruttheimer way, it *is* a sport.
SCARIEST THING YOU’VE EVER DONE: Faced the wrath of Ms. Barch. You know, it is possible for a woman to be a bit too feisty.
FAVORITE THING TO DO IN WINTER: A bottle of red wine, a roaring fireplace, and thou – preferably in a lacy red and black number that leaves oh-so-little to the imagination…
FAVORITE COLOR: Flaming red. The color every woman’s lips should be.
DO YOU SMOKE: The occasional cigar, to maintain that suave, sophisticated air.
WHO’S THE HOTTEST GIRL / GUY IN THE WORLD: How to pick and choose? Sometimes you want the challenge of the unreachable stoic, sometimes the passion of the lonely artist… but lately, I’ve had my eye on a certain mistress of darkness…
WHEN YOU DIE, DO YOU WANT TO BE BURIED OR CREMATED: I think my best service to the world would be to allow myself to be preserved and left in state for future generations of females to admire.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS: It would be the culmination of a life’s dream to be taken by alien goddesses and made to be their love slave!
THINGS YOU OBSESS OVER: There is only one thing worth obsessing over – the age-old game of love!
A TEACHER YOU HATE: Hate is such an ugly word. Oh, I don’t pretend that I haven’t tried to despise Ms. Janet Barch, but in the end I simply cannot summon such feelings about any female, even one such as her.
FAVORITE AUTHOR: Hugh Hefner
WHAT’S YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: I have no shame.
IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I would make myself even more irresistible to the ladies than I am now, were such a thing possible.
DO YOU ASK A GUY / GIRL OUT OR DO YOU WAIT FOR THEM TO ASK: If you don’t ask, how will they ever answer? Women are shy when it comes to matters of the heart, and must be shown the way.
NAME A PERSON THAT REALLY GETS ON YOUR NERVES: Kevin Thompson. He is hardly worthy of the ladies unfortunately entranced by his physique. I implore you, fair maidens, learn to look past the shell and seek the man inside!
SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT EACH PERSON YOU’RE SENDING THIS TO: To all the ladies of the world – Charles Ruttheimer III desires you! Come to me, and I guarantee you won’t be disappointed.
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NAME: Jodie Abigail Landon
AGE: 114 (I added up all my accumulated community service hours, internship hours, and time spent on extra-curricular activities)
SEX: I’ll answer that one when my parents are safely dead
EYES: Brown
WHERE DO YOU LIVE: Lawndale, USA
SIBLINGS: Rachel and Evan. I pity them for what’s in store once I’ve moved on.
SCHOOL: Lawndale High
BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD: Free time (I’ve heard good things about that and may give it a try someday)
WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD: When my dad gets a new idea concerning how I can spend my free time
DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: No comment
DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS AND IF SO, WHERE AND WHAT OF: Yeah, right.
IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: It’s completely full and running over the sides
DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS: Since I was four
WHAT’S UNDER YOUR BED: Papers from Congressman Sach’s office that somehow never made it to the shredder – might come in handy someday…
FAVORITE NUMBER: 18. The year I can legally move out
WHAT IS IN YOUR CD PLAYER RIGHT NOW: “Learn to speak Portuguese”
ONE WORD TO DESCRIBE YOURSELF: Booked
FAVORITE BODY PART OF THE OPPOSITE SEX: Well, Mack’s got great shoulders. Football is good for something, anyway.
WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN: Sleep?
BEST ADVICE: Wear sunscreen. Sure, it’s cliché, but I’ve gotten advice all my life and that really is the most useful piece of information I’ve ever received
NON-SPORT ACTIVITY YOU ENJOY: Hmm… now that I think about it, I don’t believe I’ve ever enjoyed any of my activities
SCARIEST THING YOU’VE EVER DONE: Well, my parents were out of town at this conference with the guy who did that alligator restaurant, and Mack came over, and we sneaked into my parents’ room… I think I’ll stop there.
FAVORITE THING TO DO IN WINTER: Celebrate Christmas. It’s the one day out of the year when I have no obligations.
FAVORITE COLOR: Um… red
DO YOU SMOKE: That would be “unbecoming a teenage girl of my intelligence and good sense”.
WHO’S THE HOTTEST GIRL / GUY IN THE WORLD: Denzel Washington (sorry, Mack)
WHEN YOU DIE, DO YOU WANT TO BE BURIED OR CREMATED: I’d like to donate my body to science. Consider it my final internship.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS: Like, the kind that descend from the stars and take you away from all this? That would be nice, wouldn’t it?
THINGS YOU OBSESS OVER: I don’t have time to obsess.
A TEACHER YOU HATE: Back in second grade, I had a teacher who suggested to my parents that I should get involved in junior student council. I hate that teacher. I really hate that teacher.
FAVORITE AUTHOR: Dale Carnegie
WHAT’S YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: The time Rachel caught me and Mack in my parents’ room while they were away. Five minutes later and it would have been a lot worse.
IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I would increase my vacation time.
DO YOU ASK A GUY / GIRL OUT OR DO YOU WAIT FOR THEM TO ASK: Well, Mack and I met at a school function and just kind of started dating. I don’t think I’ve ever once asked anyone out or been asked out myself.
NAME A PERSON THAT REALLY GETS ON YOUR NERVES: No one gets on my nerves. I like everybody. I have to like everybody.
SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT EACH PERSON YOU’RE SENDING THIS TO: I’ve already said something nice about everyone I’ve ever met.
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NAME: Timothy O’Neill
AGE: 32
SEX: Male
EYES: Blue
WHERE DO YOU LIVE: Lawndale
SIBLINGS: I have an older brother in the Marines, but we haven’t spoken in years
SCHOOL: I am pleased to be a teacher at Lawndale High.
BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD: When you know the students are really into learning, and that they feel good about themselves. Is there anything so rewarding as knowing you have given knowledge and self-esteem to another?
WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD: When you fail your young charges and lead them into despair instead of the glorious enlightenment that you wanted so much for them. Also, when your watchband pulls the hair out of your arm.
DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: My dear father left this world before we were able to mend our differences. But I do call Mother every evening without fail.
DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS AND IF SO, WHERE AND WHAT OF: Whatever made me want to join a fraternity? One night of debauchery can lead to a lifetime of regret…
IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: Half-full, but completely full of potential!
DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS: I prefer the more personal connection to one’s words that is attained through the use of a fountain pen.
WHAT’S UNDER YOUR BED: Er… I would prefer not to answer that, as it’s a private matter between myself and a certain special someone.
FAVORITE NUMBER: 110%, which is what I try to give of myself every day.
WHAT IS IN YOUR CD PLAYER RIGHT NOW: I like to load my three-disc changer with Gentle Ocean, Soothing Meadow, and The Sounds of the Rain Forest.
ONE WORD TO DESCRIBE YOURSELF: Nurturing
FAVORITE BODY PART OF THE OPPOSITE SEX: Oh, my!
WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN: Lately I’ve been trying a number of yoga positions. Wonderfully cleansing of mind, body, and spirit!
BEST ADVICE: Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.
NON-SPORT ACTIVITY YOU ENJOY: I find macramé to be extremely relaxing.
SCARIEST THING YOU’VE EVER DONE: Once, I had to gather my courage to the utmost in order to say “no” to Janet. Sometimes I think that, if only I’d gritted my teeth a bit more, I could have done it.
FAVORITE THING TO DO IN WINTER: I like to sit by my window wrapped in a warm blanket Mother knitted for me, with a steaming mug of herbal tea, watching the snowflakes fall.
FAVORITE COLOR: Blue. It’s such a wonderfully optimistic color.
DO YOU SMOKE: Heavens no! I do enjoy the natural, soothing aromas of incense, but that’s hardly the same thing!
WHO’S THE HOTTEST GIRL / GUY IN THE WORLD: Well, this is a little embarrassing, but I’ve always been rather enamored with Martha Stewart. But don’t tell Janet!
WHEN YOU DIE, DO YOU WANT TO BE BURIED OR CREMATED: I prefer not to dwell on death. It’s such an unpleasant subject, after all.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS: I watch the X-files religiously! Though, of course, all that creepy science fiction is just a throwback to the old Cold War Paranoia. But it is humbling to imagine that somewhere, out in the universe, there are beings of great intelligence and wisdom far beyond our own…
THINGS YOU OBSESS OVER: Helping others. But really, wouldn’t the world be a better place if we all obsessed over such things?
A TEACHER YOU HATE: Hate is a terribly ugly word, and I would hope that students would learn to see teachers as their friends. Remember, the Principal is your “pal”!
FAVORITE AUTHOR: Henry David Thoreau. He’s so inspirational!
WHAT’S YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: I once had to recite the Gettysburg address wearing a rainbow wig and panties that said “Tuesday”. Really, I still don’t know what made me want to join a fraternity…
IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: I would try to be more understanding and caring, more in tune with the emotional needs of others.
DO YOU ASK A GUY / GIRL OUT OR DO YOU WAIT FOR THEM TO ASK: Oh, I’ve always been rather shy about initiating a relationship.
NAME A PERSON THAT REALLY GETS ON YOUR NERVES: If someone gets “on your nerves” than perhaps the fault is in yourself. Even if that someone is Kevin.
SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT EACH PERSON YOU’RE SENDING THIS TO: Anthony, my door is always open if you want to talk about your anger issues. Daria, my door is always open if you want to open up your heart and let out all that angst. Janet, my door is always open if you want to… oh dear, perhaps that should be a more private conversation.