Daria in “Another Beautiful Day” NAPALMKRACKEN Here’s a little reminder for those who are about to read this story and the characters contained therein- These are, and I quote- “ Fictional characters. FICTIONAL characters, am, am I getting through to you at all?” - Holden McNeil (Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back) OZZY (shouting) ALL ABOARD! AHAHAHAHAHA! “Crazy Train” blares on the radio as we see Daria begin to stir, she’s sleeping fully dressed (but lacking her jacket) in her unsanitary wasteland of a bedroom with the bed’s covers kind of wrapped around her as she awakens on the floor beside the bed. She gropes for her glasses on the dresser but can’t find them. She squints hard and gets up, it’s such a blur she leans over the dresser and looks at the blaring digital clock radio (she can’t make out the numbers on it) then looks around, but no dice. She looks around and moves slowly about the room, careful to avoid anything that reflects light. She gives up and sighs in defeat. DARIA And the world says “Good morning Daria Morgendorffer, have another beautiful day.” She smacks the alarm clock and it goes silent, then she opens the top drawer and pulls out her backup glasses, the Ben Stein looking ones from Beavis & Butt-Head. She puts them on then blinks a few times. DARIA Old prescription. (blinks one last time) They’ll do. The opening theme from “The Critic” strikes up unobtrusively as she prepares for work- she pulls out the clean white shirt and skirt, snaps on her necktie, and takes a moment to instant shine her boots. Suddenly the tranquility of the scene is interrupted as the radio comes back on. The final jarring chords of “Crazy Train” blare and Daria shows a hint of irritation. DJ MAX That was Ozzy Osbourne, and now this is Poison. Or is it Anthrax? Um, it’s bad for you. Don’t take any, but listen to their music, at least it’s not Winger. “Madhouse” blares. DARIA Oh good, mood music. We go to the outside of Debra Jean’s, Daria’s appointed place of duty. It’s a TGI Friday/ Applebee looking restaurant with a big “Debra Jean’s” sign out front, as the sun goes down the sign lights up. Inside the to capacity crowd has a pleasant family atmosphere, the family sounds punctuated by that of guys getting wasted on their 21st birthday. As Daria walks in two guys in a nearby booth are finishing off a few choice beverages and making a row. JOE Hey, it’s you! NEAL No, you’re you, that’s her! JOE Dude, stop being such a brain! Brains are like, a real drag! DARIA Tell me about it. She makes her way to the back to find Vince as we pan over to another table, inhabited by a few familiar faces. The portly Brit Mr. Atkins and the equal large Mr. Sinisosa, the lady in red- Claire and someone new, a weary looking brunette in an overcoat, Renee. ATKINS And I saw the bugger used the ‘fairy’ arrows as opposed to the last one where he used the more powerful due to obscurity and scarcity, ‘faerie’ ones, I believe this is Bakken’s way of alluding to a weakening on the part of poor, misguided Arya. CLAIRE That bastard hasn’t even come up with new Arya material for a month now, I tell you it’s over. You know what that means right? SINISOSA I’ve all ready got the printers primed and ready. RENEE Finally, Arya the Archer is ours now, no more silly mistakes, no more slights, no more simplistic morals. We can finally start publishing Arya on our own and make it what it was meant to be. But I won’t bore you with the rest of my speech, I’ve already put out my 20 point thesis and you’ve all read it. ATKINS Maybe we should send that Bakken guy a copy to help him get his head out of his arse. CLAIRE He isn’t worth it, I tried sending him a statement to teach him the error of his ways and he sent me a note asking me to leave him alone and to stop reading his books. I sent him another anyway, decrying his ignorance and his return note alluded to legal actions and informing the Department of Mental Health that a patient of their has gotten loose. SINISOSA Who, him? They all share a laugh. Did I mention these are all grown adults over 30? Daria walks past and Atkins, Sinisosa and Claire all look at her contemptibly. RENEE That the bitch waitress who got you all arrested last week, who thinks she has something in common with Our Heroine? ATKINS She claims Arya was based on her. RENEE I don’t see how, our Arya is, by proper guestimation, 5’9”, that girl is clearly only 5’2”. CLAIRE If Arya was that short her entire aura would be thrown off and half the known facts about her would be thrown into chaos! SINISOSA But don’t worry, we’ll set the records straight at the Fantasy & Future Convention. CLAIRE Here, here! They nod their heads in agreement as a waitress comes to their table and puts down wine bottle partially wrapped in a cloth napkin. We can see the label says “Pina Colada”. SINISOSA We didn’t order this. ALLISON It’s a gift from a member of our staff, for what you do. She sets down a note with it and walks off. CLAIRE I knew someday someone would take notice of our work and give us some respect! RENEE Unlike that Darlene who got you all arrest. ATKINS Really. Let’s see what this note says- He picks it up and reads it out loud. ATKINS This should make your (disgusted, confused) competitive rectum sucking go easier? Signed- Arya. Sinisosa picks up the bottle and the cloth napkin falls off and we see the full label- “Pina Colada Butt Lotion”. In a furor Atkins gets up and swipes the bottle from Sinisosa’s hands. CLAIRE Calm down Tommy, she’s not worth it. He gets out of the booth and sees Daria with her back to him from him about twenty feet away. ATKINS (yelling) Air mail bitch! Daria turns her head and ducks as the bottle is flung at her, smashing into a million pieces above her head and getting all over her. DARIA It’s going to be a long night. As she says this two waiters pin down Atkins. His friends get into an uproar and rush to his aid as DJ, the assistant manager calls the cops while hiding behind the bar. More personnel rush in to stop the fight, then other patrons, it’s a huge mess. Renee pulls out her wallet and thrusts her hand it the air, but she drops it and it falls to the ground. Daria scurries in a crouch to the relative safety behind the bar. As if by magic Mia just happened to plop down next to her. Mia is a willowy blonde about a head taller than Daria. MIA I take it they still don’t like you. DARIA Or maybe we need better wine. MIA It wasn’t wine, I mean- She cuts herself off and Daria glares at her. DARIA (venomously) What the hell did you do? MIA Gave them a gift, that they decided to share with you. DARIA What kind of ‘gift‘? MIA Just a little bottle of Pina Colada Butt Lotion and a nice “here’s to your competitive rectum sucking” note signed ‘Arya’. DARIA Dammit, they thought I did that. MIA Hey, I know you wanted to get back at them again, I just acted on your whims. DARIA If you where acting on my whims you would have smashed the bottle of Butt Lotion on your own head. MIA Aw, what a sweet sentiment, always thinking about me. By the way, you smell lovely. Daria takes a good whiff of the Pina Colada scent that’s all over her and rolls her eyes. We cut to awhile later, it’s pretty damn dark out in the parking lot as Daria trudges out the back door. DARIA Another day another odd smell. She stops and looks around the parking lot, there’s a few cars of every sort but not the one Daria’s looking for. DARIA (surprised) My car’s gone! We a see an office door that a glass window pane with “DETECTIVE FOYA” printed on it. There’s a knock at the door. RENEE Come in. Daria speaks as she opens the door. DARIA I’m Daria Morgendorffer, I’ve- She and Detective Foya- Renee from earlier lock eyes and Daria experiences her second shock of the night. DARIA Oh no. Renee grins evilly from behind her desk in the dinky office. RENEE Oh yes. “Making Me Sick” strikes up. We cut to awhile later back at Spiral Headquarters, actually it’s a converted warehouse the band’s living in. We focus on the door of a second story office, it has “Center of Spiral Madness” written on it. We move in past it to the plush office space itself, decorated in early punk. Max is sitting on the old fashion TV (The old TV’s that look like they where built in a wooden table.) eating chips from a bowl of dip while most everyone else is sitting on the floor or Jane who is sitting in the spilled bean bag chair. TRENT Bummer on the car Daria. DARIA And what’s worse is that the police won’t help me. NICK Jane, I got this idea from Max’s station we can get some old rock you know, mix what we like then lay a track of vocals over it- JANE You can stop musing now Puff Nicky. I mean, P. Nicky. NICK What, we can call it alternative-alternative. JANE Have you been inhaling varnish from work again? DARIA Who would employ Nick? I mean, Nick, where do you work? NICK Jesse’s grandfather’s antique furniture shop, Jesse hooked me up when he got a job there. DARIA Oh, I see. Thanks for helping me re-enter the realm of logic, I was afraid I had strayed out of it for moment. NICK Anytime. JESSE Hey, my grandpa helped me and Nick, if I ask maybe he can help you. DARIA Thanks Jesse but if I leave Debra Jean’s the whole system will fall apart and the pecking order will be thrown into an anarchic death spiral. TRENT Death Spiral…Hmmm… can we spell ‘Death’ with two ‘y’s? As the conversation continues Trent loses all interest and ponders his found deep thought and Jane becomes a de facto peanut gallery of one. JANE If that’s not an incentive to leave I don’t know what is. JESSE Not your job, but your car. Since the cops won’t cooperate I bet he can help. JANE Well you do need justice. DARIA My cars old but it’s not exactly the kind of thing an antique dealer usually deals in. JESSE Actually he also owns a café and offers sanitary services. JANE I’m convinced he’s qualified to help now. DARIA Sanitary services? Okay, I can see how that can help. JESSE Are you mocking me? JANE Does this look like the kind of girl who would mock someone? JESSE Anyway, he’s a real well respected guy, he knows people, and those people know people. JANE And they know people too. People who can do things to people who steal cars. JESSE Exactly! DARIA What are you trying to say, he’s a Mafioso? JESSE No, he’s a Moreno. JANE Daria, we need justice, we need Don Moreno! NICK Cool, your grandfather played for the Dolphins? JESSE His name’s Pete, not Don, but maybe he can help you Daria. DARIA Tell you what Jesse, since we need all the help we can get I’ll take you up on that offer. If your grandfather helps us I will pledge my undying respect and friendship to him. If Pete Moreno ever needs Daria Morgendorffer for anything I will be at his call, anything for my new Godfather. JANE May his next granddaughter be a masculine granddaughter. (pause) Wait a minute… JESSE You mean grandfather. But I’ll tell him what you said. DARIA You do that. JESSE What kind of car was it again? DARIA A blue 1974 Dodge Monaco station wagon, Illinois plates BDR 529. JESSE Cool. I’ll remember that. TRENT I got it- Mystik Dyyth. JESSE But what about Spiral of Dyyth? DARIA Or Spiro Agnew. NICK Dyyth Thrombo! TRENT Cool, but can we turn the y’s upside? BAND (together) Hey! At this point the band leaves the conversation and the girls are left to their own devices. DARIA The Massachusetts Mafia, there’s a new one on me. JANE You know if his grandpa dies Jesse will be the next Don of the Moreno crime family. DARIA It doesn’t matter to me, I just want my car back. Until then it looks like it’s the bus for me. JANE And it looks like we’ll be missing that meeting. DARIA (pause) What? JANE The one with Contender about publishing that comic we did based on your short story. DARIA Ah dammit. There goes our chances of getting “Melody Powers beats the crap out of Saddam Hussein” published. JANE “Saddam Hussein and his Mongol hordes.” DARIA Yeah, thanks for tacking on that last bit, it really added credibility to an already incredulous story. (pause) There goes our chance at mediocrity. JANE Hey, that meeting could have been our meal ticket into bigger and better things, we could have been the next Ennis and Dillon. DARIA Instead of Laurel and Hardy? JANE Beats Bill and Ted. DARIA Hell, we probably wouldn’t have gotten published anyway. JANE Daria, this is Contender we’re talking about, they’ll publish anyone. Ever hear of 37? DARIA No. JANE Well that’s what started Bluntman and Chronic, these people actually published that book! DARIA Bluntman and Chronic? Did Beavis & Butt-Head write that one? JANE As I said, they’ll publish anyone! We’ve practically sold it already! DARIA I’d be more optimistic but I left my rose colored lenses at home. JANE You can borrow mine. Not that there’s any reason to now. Awkward pause. DARIA You really think we had a chance? JANE Daria, your story was amazing, my art complements it. I believe the comic really is just that damn good. DARIA You know you’ve finally inspired me. JANE Really? DARIA If only we had a way to get there guaranteed not to break down. JANE So close, yet so far. They brood in silence for a moment as the band goes on. JESSE Let’s invert the second ‘Y’ and flip the first one backwards. TRENT Inverted ‘Y’. Hmm… Daria looks over at a painting leaning against the back wall- it features a medieval battle scene, complete with dragons, knights…and invading Mongols. DARIA I didn’t know Molly Hatchet was making a new album. We cut to the next day- early morning. We see Daria exit the little corner store across from the “Rubber Rooms & Board”, the apartment complex she lives. She has a brown bag of groceries in her hands, we see peaches and oranges protruding from the top as she steps to the crosswalk, naturally it changes to “Don’t walk” when she approaches. The traffic is pretty light, but she obeys the sign. As she waits two gleaming black 2003 Cadillac DeVilles with tinted windows drive past her and after turning her corner pull up to the curb. Two men in expensive dark suits get out, one from each car, and Daria looks worried. Then one points at her as the other reaches into his suit coat and she sees the butt end of something metallic in his hand, the fear shows on her face as she drops the groceries, the peaches and oranges roll on the ground. In the distance a man is yelling “Fredo, Fredo!” The man with the metallic object in his hand pulls the object all the way out of his pocket- revealing a cell phone. They walk up to her. PAULIE Are you Daria Morgendorffer? DARIA Why? The man hands her the keys to the Cadillac, she looks at them without accepting. DARIA What’s this all about? PAULIE I’m a friend of Mr. Moreno’s, he said a friend of his needed a car. My condolences on the theft of yours, I assure you it will be found and the perpetrators brought to justice. Daria finally accepts the keys and looks at them. DARIA Uh…well…thanks. Send Mr. Moreno my regards. PAULIE Have a good day ma’am. (turns to his silent partner) Let’s go Salvatore. SALVATORE Geez Paulie, don’t go bustin’ my bawls. PAULIE I’ll bust yer bawls if I wanna. They get into the first Cadillac and drive off. Daria walks around the car in disbelief and inspects the exterior then opens the driver side door and gets in. The Caddy is loaded, black leather seats, GPS, electric everything. She presses a button and the thermal imaging comes on like what attack bombers use up in front of her. Daria pulls out her cell phone and makes a call. DARIA Jane? Pack your bags, we’re going to Highland. Out back in the Rubber Rooms & Board parking lot Daria and Jane sit in the Caddy ready to make their trip. Jane is reading off a check list. JANE Full tank of gas? DARIA Check. JANE Briefcase full of blues? DARIA Check. JANE Head full of aspirin? DARIA (confused) What? JANE Making sure you’re still paying attention. Food? DARIA Double check. JANE Really thick prescription glasses? DARIA Settle for the kinda think prescription eye glasses? JANE Hmmm…Half a check, but the double check on food makes up for it. DARIA That it? JANE Did you remember to bring a negative attitude? DARIA Yeah, it’s in the trunk with the body of the last guy who questioned my attitude. JANE Oh, last thing- Insurance? DARIA (pulls it out) Right here. JANE Hit it. They pull out and the great journey begins. Jane turns on the radio. DJ MAX And this next one goes out to my friends Daria and Jane, who are embarking on a spiritual Zen quest- DARIA For money. JANE Hey, we’re doing this for more than money. DARIA A lot of money and paying jobs? JANE Exactly! DJ MAX I hope all goes well, and if it does I hope Jane let’s that fifteen bucks I owe her slide. JANE Ha, as if. “Ain‘t No Fun Waitin’ to be a Millionaire” comes on as we watch the girls exit Boston, heading on south. Jane is reading a white book then she tosses it in the backseat. JANE Hungry yet? DARIA I’ve been driving for fifteen minutes, what do you think? Jane pulls out two squares of Romein noodles from the backseat, she tears the wrapper off one and hands it Daria. She takes it with one hand and takes a bite from it then sets it on the dash. Jane takes a bite out of hers then does the same. JANE Think those Mafia guys will care if we get crumbs in the car? DARIA I don’t think they’ll mind if we clean up after ourselves and get the blood out of the backseat. JANE (interested) Really? She looks at the backseat, but it’s clean. JANE What blood? Daria quickly grins as Jane returns to her normal position, she then puts her hands behind her head and her booted feet on the dash, knocking her noodle square on the floor. DARIA Smooth. She sighs and wait’s a few seconds before picking up her noodle square then adjusting the seat to lean back and she relaxes. DARIA It’s been over ten seconds. JANE Screw rules, let’s buck the law. She rolls down the window and tosses the square out. DARIA Hey! Don’t do that! JANE (back in a relaxed position with her right foot hanging out the window) Don’t worry, cops never pull over expensive cars, especially for something like littering. Or are were you expressing concern for the planet? Suddenly we hear sirens and see flashing lights behind Daria and Jane. Daria shoots her a venomous look, Jane shrugs sheepishly. DARIA Littering causes noise pollution. We see the girls pulled over as the trooper hands Daria a ticket. DARIA (to Jane) Maybe I should have informed the trooper this is an expensive car. JANE Well how should I have known, Daria? I’ve never been in an expensive car before. The trooper drives off the shoulder, a few moments later Daria does the same. She obviously is not a happy camper. JANE Cheer up Daria, check this out. She presses a button and Daria looks a little more relaxed. DARIA Massaging chair function. (pause) You’ve redeemed yourself Lane. JANE You can call me Jane again. DARIA Redeemed but not completely absolved. JANE Get over it. DARIA How’d you figure out what that button did anyway? JANE At first I thought this car was just filled with esoteric lights, dials and meters I would never understand- DARIA Clearly a superior machine with gimmicks and high priced special effects. JANE But then when I got bored about ten minutes back I flipped through the manual and found the button, then I got hungry. DARIA And then we got pulled over. JANE Congratulations Daria, you have a keen grasp of the obvious. She reaches down and picks up a paper from off the floor boards and looks at it. JANE Damn that’s cheap insurance. DARIA It was, but now you’ve helped to alleviate that issue. JANE (about to put it down then stops) Daria Anne. Daria gets a little unnerved at the sound of that name and swerves, nearly hitting another car that honks at her and flips her off as she careens back into her lane. JANE Daria Anne, what has gotten into you? DARIA The ghost of deteriorating senses of direction. And please, don’t say call me that. JANE (big mischievous grin) Why, Daria Anne Morgendorffer what a p-u-u-r-t-I-e name! DARIA There’s room for a few more bodies in the trunk Lane. JANE What’s so bad about your middle name? DARIA Ever been to Texas? JANE (slightly annoyed) Yeah, I was detained there once, you came and picked me up. DARIA No, actually been to Texas, not just picked up by some backwoods law enforcement agency. JANE Well when you put it that way, no. So please, enlighten me. DARIA (pause) When I was a kid they used to conjoin my names. JANE Conjoin? DARIA Yes, in Texas, in the south in general it is very common for a girl to have two first names, usually said as one name. When I was in the first grade the kids used to do it all the time. JANE Daria Anne. (pause, really hick) DariAnne Morgandorffa! DARIA Trunk space Jane. JANE That’s it, we’re “Trunk Space” Jane Lane and DariAnne Morgendorffer, two rebels up to no good and spitting in the face of the law. DARIA When we’re not flinging noodle squares into it. Daria turns up the radio. “Flirtin’ With Disaster” comes on. DARIA Aw, he’s playing your song Jane. JANE (obviously hating every moment of the song) Daria, you should use your mob connections to silence Max. Daria’s getting her chances at pay back, so as hick as she can muster sings along, very loudly and kind of monotonically. (If this seems like un- Daria like behavior to you watch “Esteemsters”, especially the first Pizza Forest scene.) DARIA Got the peddle to the floor, my life is runnin’ faster, out of money out of hope, it looks like self destruction! We watch the car at sunset driving down the wooded, and eerily near deserted roads of upstate New York. DARIA (v-o and t-d, tone deaf) How much more can we take with all of this corruption? We’re flirtin’ with disaster, ya’ll know what I mean. We fade off in the chorus as night falls. JANE It’s like a big train wreck. DARIA You’re standing on my neck. JANE (looks at Daria) Excuse me? DARIA (looks at Jane) Excuse me? JANE (continues her song) Nothing is like I planned it. DARIA (bored) So funny I can’t stand it. JANE Wish I was made of granite. DARIA Wish I was on another planet. JANE Now we play the chorus again, we get the band to record it, Max plays it on air, we’re golden. DARIA Let’s just take life one hare brained scheme at a time, okay? When we’re done being rejected by Contender then we can work on your career as a subway musician, capiche? JANE Si senora. Jane sees something up ahead and whips out her camera and takes a picture of it. DARIA Why do you keep doing that? JANE When I see something that would look great in a painting I take a picture of it. DARIA That mom and pop joint would be perfect for a Mongol invasion, wouldn‘t it? JANE Now you’re thinking. DARIA I wasn’t before? JANE Who knows what you were doing before. They fly by a large green sign and Daria slows down and then turns off the main road. JANE Another rest stop Daria, you’ve got the bladder of an infant. DARIA Not a rest stop. We go back to the sign, it reads- APALACHIN. Then we cut back to Daria and Jane pulling up to the front of a sprawling country estate. The home itself is Ranch style and has walls of gray-and-dun stone. It’s completely dark as Daria gets out and looks at the imposing building. DARIA Jane, hand me your camera please. JANE What for, and why are we stopping here? She hands Daria the camera, Daria turns on the flash and takes a picture of it. DARIA A little momento. Daria then tosses Jane back her camera and gets in, Jane does the same and she backs up. JANE Could you be any more arcane in your explanation? DARIA What do you think? JANE (rolls her eyes) Ask an arcane question get an arcane answer. They continue on down the highway, as the collage begins to the tune of AC/DC‘s “Drive On”. We see Daria driving while Jane sleeps, then Jane driving while Daria sleeps, then both of them asleep as Jane drives, she slowly awakens realizes she’s still driving, but on a straightway so she shrugs and nods back off. We see the lights of New York City in the distance, silhouetted against Daria’s head as she looks over at it. Finally the collage ends as we see them just drive on past the New Jersey state line and into the beautiful Garden State. Home of many fine industrial refineries and other generic smoke and pollution producing facilities. After the collage ends we fade into a scene the next morning. We see the Caddy parked in the parking lot of a squalid roadside motel. It’s a pair of long single story buildings with peeling white paint and overgrown grass around the edges of the parking lot. A watch alarm starts beeping and we see Daria poke her head up from the driver’s seat. She is extremely groggy and somewhat perplexed. DARIA Uh… She looks around but it all looks pretty unfamiliar. Now Jane’s starting to regain consciousness and she pops her head up from the backseat. She’s in an equal state of dishevelment. DARIA Did we rent a room? JANE Maybe. I think so. (looks at the motel office) Let’s go in for the continental breakfast. DARIA And if they kick us out then we know we didn’t pay for a room. JANE If they let us eat then we spent way too much for cheap coffee and donuts. DARIA (starts to get out) That better be some damn good coffee and donuts. She stretches out against the side of the car then looks around. The area is pretty low rent, unkept yards and run down houses abound in her immediate area. Sirens are heard off in the distance. DARIA So this is Jersey. Bird crap lands on the hood of the Caddy to punctuate the statement. Later we see Jane behind the wheel as they drive around town. DARIA What the hell are we doing? JANE Cruising. DARIA I can see that. JANE So why’d you ask? She turns a corner and on one side of the street is a block of stores and on the other we see some houses and dead trees. JANE We’re looking for 58 Leonard Ave.* Ah, here it is! They pull up in front of the last building on the block. It’s sign reads “Quick Stop”. Two doors down is 58 Leonard Ave.- RST Video. JANE Here we are. DARIA A video store and Quick Stop? JANE You got your arcane picture, now it’s time for mine. She shoves the camera into Daria’s hands. DARIA This place does look kind of familiar… The song “Clerks” plays as she gets out and we hear the sound of the camera clicking and we see the photos- Jane in front of RST Video, then Jane in front of the Quick Stop. Sitting on the tiny video store’s counter reading a magazine while Daria stands next to her holding up a video. Jane’s wearing a backwards Jersey Devils cap. Finally one of Daria lying on her back on the freezer in the Quick Stop as Jane does the salsa shark. After this ends we cut to Daria and Jane standing in front of a metal roofed warehouse like building with a sign out front reading “Contender Comics”. A smaller piece of paper has been taped next to it stating that Dunn and Redding Home Improvement is no longer here. JANE After this we’ll never have to borrow our best friend’s dirty laundry ever again. DARIA Yeah- What? JANE Let’s go Daria. They enter the front door, and immediately find themselves in the lobby. A small room with cheap blue carpeting and even cheaper matching surplus Navy chairs that look to be about 30 years old. The receptionist is sitting at a desk in the center of the room listening to an old Barry Manilow album while making a house of cards. When the girls approach she looks up at them only in casual annoyance. TRACY What? (faux smile) I mean, how can I help you? DARIA We’re here to see Mr. Smith. TRACY Do you have an appointment? DARIA Yes, it’s for 11. TRACY (smiles bigger) Then shut the hell up and take a seat. Thank you and go screw yourself. JANE Don’t talk to my friend like that. TRACY (bigger smiles) Honey, bite me. JANE (to Daria) She made me the offer Daria. DARIA (grabbing Jane by the arm) Forget about her. They go over to the chairs and sit. As they talk they squirm a bit since the seats are so itchy. DARIA Just tell Mr. Smith- TRACY Mr. Smith knows how I am, but I give good head and that’s all that matters so shut up before I turn the fire extinguisher on ya! Jane looks at the wall and notices that there are two switches, also that there is a large fan on the ceiling. An evil grin creeps across her face. Daria takes notice of Jane’s expression and makes the same assessment. JANE It’s payback time. She quickly flips the ‘off’ switch into the ‘on’ position. The fan starts up and blows away Tracy’s house of cards. TRACY Dammit! Turn off that fan! JANE How? Tracy gets out from behind her desk and rushes over to the switch and turns the fan off. TRACY Think you’re funny don’t you? DARIA That’s why Mr. Smith asked to see us, so yes, I’d say we’re funny. JANE Pretty damn funny. DARIA Like a vile of sardonia. At that moment a door near the desk opens and a jolly (read fat) man with a beard and glasses comes out. SMITH Tracy, has my 11 o’clock come yet? TRACY Right here Mr. S. Mr. Smith makes a motion for Daria and Jane to follow him. SMITH Then come on back girls. They follow him down a short corridor to his minimalist office. SMITH (puts his right arm around Daria and Jane and motions for them to sit on the couch with his left) Kick back relax, sit down. They sit down as he plops himself down on the desk and undoes his belt. SMITH Okay this is how it’s going to happen- (points at Jane) I want you to tongue my bung and juggle balls in one hand (points to Daria) and you play with my asshole in the other. Daria goes to speak but Smith hops from his desk and puts one hand to Daria’s mouth and motions for her to stay quiet. SMITH But don’t stick your finger in. JANE As fun as that sounds we’re not that 11 o’clock you had scheduled. We’re the 11 o’clock to see you about publishing “Melody Powers Beats the Crap Out of Saddam Hussein and his Mongol Hordes.” Smith is completely thrown off and it takes him a moment to regain his composure. SMITH Oh. Oh. (he takes a couple bills and shoves them in Daria’s boot) For your troubles. DARIA (very annoyed) I feel so over compensated. SMITH Anyway, girls, I loved your work, I would love to publish it but first I need you to make some minor changes. DARIA What kind of changes? JANE The Mongol hordes stay. SMITH I loved the Mongol hordes, a touch of genius but you’re missing something. JANE Northern Chinese peasants? DARIA The Gotti connection? SMITH No, something with a little more umph. JANE You want Saddam fatter? DARIA And with a sleigh and eight tiny reindeer? SMITH Well, humor wise, would you consider adding some more weed, dick and fart jokes, our readers love those. DARIA Sorry, but we were forced to be involved with a moratorium on weed, dick and fart jokes. JANE Not our choice. SMITH Okay, so those don’t fly but how about adding a scene where Melody goes into a dark room, and think it’s Peppino, screws a guy who turns out to be someone she shot to death earlier on! JANE Well that would be an easy to draw scene. DARIA If only we didn’t have to live with ourselves after doing it. SMITH Damn, no necrophilia. How about a pair of lovable drug dealers? DARIA I have definite feelings on that kind of stuff, so how about not. SMITH Okay, fine, then here’s my final suggestion- a monkey! DARIA Jane, I think I see our problem, they’ll publish anyone- as long as the standards are kept to an all time low. SMITH (rolls his eyes) You’re not getting it, in context all of this stuff is VERY funny. DARIA I agree in context just about anything can be funny. But it would all be out of context in our story. Quite frankly, all your suggestions sound like something out of a bad, under budgeted movie. At this point everyone stops and stares at the camera. Then they go back to talking. SMITH Okay girls, you suggestion something. Something that will put the story over the edge. JANE The death of an overweight fan boy? We see the girls casually stroll out of the Contender building and walk to the car. JANE Well that was pointless. Let me drive. Daria goes to the passenger side and tosses Jane the keys. DARIA We came all the way to New Jersey to be hit on by…by that. They get into the car. JANE They rejected the comic. DARIA No Jane, we rejected them. He made us an offer we had to refuse. JANE What’d you think about that part where I told him to tongue my bung? DARIA Real witty. JANE I know. DARIA You’re a regular Janeane Garofalo. JANE If I was a positive well adjusted member of society I’d probably say this trip has helped me gain valuable life experiences. DARIA Then you’d reach for your bottle of Valium and pop a few pills to keep up the illusion all the way to Boston. Before pulling out of the parking lot Jane purposefully backs over Contender’s trash cans. DARIA Petty vandalism, very mature. JANE This coming from the woman who got a ticket for littering the other day? She takes off out of the lot and nearly hits a police cruiser in her reckless feel good moment. She hits the brakes and realizes that she just screwed up. DARIA Funny how fate catches up with you isn’t it? Now we see Daria and Jane leaving the police precinct. JANE Suspended again, I’m on a roll! DARIA Congratulations, that’s the 2nd time since we left Lawndale. They briskly make their way past the police cruisers in the lot to their Caddy. Jane looks across the street and grins. JANE Don’t worry about it, let’s go across the street. DARIA Why? JANE You wanna drive the whole way back? DARIA It appears I have to. JANE No you don’t, take me across the street. Daria looks across the street and sees a drab grey building with a rusting over sign that says “DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES”. We jump to awhile later, Daria is sitting in the driver seat and shaking her head as Jane hops in with a mischievous grin and brandishing a New Jersey driver’s license. DARIA I can’t believe you just did that. I didn’t even know that’s legal. JANE Who said it was legal? DARIA You’re not driving till after we get out of Jersey. JANE No arguments there. DARIA This must set some kind of precedence.** JANE This? (holds up her license) This is nothing. Once my sister Penny had three days to get from Lawndale to Seattle, Washington, some kind of crafts convention. She got ten speeding tickets and had her license revoked or suspended in four different states. When one got revoked she just went to the nearest DMV and got a new one. DARIA That must have been some great convention. JANE She wouldn’t know, she got busted in Wyoming for DUI and possession of a firearm. She made the firearm herself on the way. DARIA And let me guess, she pulled a Dillinger while in there and got herself out by bluffing and using a hand carved handgun? JANE As a matter of fact she did, why the Hell else do you think she lives in Central America? Daria and Jane cruise on down the highway back up through New York. DJ MAX And now here’s a little something from Guns & Roses. After we broke up I once sent my ex-girlfriend some guns and roses, so here’s some advice to all ex-boyfriends who may be listening- never send your ex guns, or even just a gun. I slept on the floor for 2 weeks straight. Thankfully ammo doesn’t last forever. But this song does, so let’s meditate. With that he puts on “Welcome to the Jungle”. JANE Do you think Max is getting better? DARIA When you’re hit and miss you’re bound to hit something eventually. JANE Unless you’re Max’s ex. DARIA We must have satellite radio to be getting Max out here. Jane’s attention is suddenly caught by a sign whizzing past. JANE I think our day has just been made. DARIA A UFO convention is in town? JANE I’ll do you one better- Fantasy & Future Convention, next right. DARIA (sadistic grin) The day has suddenly turned sinister. JANE (same grin) For someone else. “Star Wars fanfare” blares. We watch them take the next right then we pan back over to the sign- It features a buff barbarian wielding an axe clashing with a Tusken Raider looking space man. We close in on it then pull out, now we’re just inside the convention center’s entrance. The place is packed with everything you’d ever not care to know about fantasy and science fiction, all in one enclosed space and packed with people wall to wall. Daria and Jane stroll in but the Rock Moranis looking ticket taker in a Trekkie uniform stops them. TT Ma’am I need your tickets. JANE (waves her hand in front of his face) You don’t need our tickets. TT (laughs) Funny, but I do. Or thirty bucks. DARIA Will you accept Imperial credits? TT No, I’m sorry we have to take normal money. JANE (puts her arm around the ticket taker) Now- (looks at his nametag) Cyrus of Gorn, do you believe in everything the Federation stands for? TT Why of course, I live my life by it. JANE That’s exactly what I was hoping you’d say. Now does the Federation take money in exchange for services, or say entrance? TT No, of course not. The Federation doesn’t use money, it causes evil. DARIA But you’re willing to accept to money from us, in violation of Federation policy- JANE Which you live your life by. TT Why…wow…I’ve never looked at it like that. You girls are in! JANE Thank you, live long and prosper. She takes her arm off of him and does the Vulcan V and he returns it. TT Wait, first, I need to give you name tags. (he pulls two from his pouch) What are your names? DARIA We’re Daria and Jane. JANE Actually it’s Jane and Daria. TT No, not your real names, your convention names. DARIA Oh, I see…I am called Naksika Benili and my friend is Kannakli. TT (writes the names down) I hope I spelled that right. He hands them their name tags, Jane looks at hers funny. Daria slaps hers on and Jane does the same. TT Well, I bid you both a good time here. Live long Naksika (does the V) DARIA Um, mega dittos. They turn away from Cyrus and make their way into the crowds. DARIA Knew that Chahta Anumpa class would come in handy someday. Now they move through the crowd deliberating on what to do first. JANE I say we hit the Trek geeks first, anonymously start an open air discussion over the true meaning of the prime directive and back the Hell away. DARIA All the while snapping photographs to sell to the highest bidding paper on the morrow? JANE Only if the desired effects occur. DARIA The police come in full force with riot gear and tear gas? JANE Bingo. DARIA We could hit the smaller kiosks first though, take in a little culture, start smaller fires, then cross pollinate them and then let the mayhem ensue. JANE I like that approach but I think we’re missing something. DARIA The motivation to carry out our schemes? JANE I believe that’s it. DARIA Wanna just sit in the back and snicker at people then? JANE Sounds like a plan. That driver’s test just took it right out of me. DARIA Conniving takes a lot of energy. JANE And burns calories like you wouldn’t believe. DARIA And I thought you just ran to keep in shape. JANE You could fill the Grand Canyon with the stuff you don’t know about me.*** DARIA Well I’m sure it’s just the stuff not worth knowing anyway. JANE Of course DariAnne, of course. DARIA Stop calling me that! We pan past the girls and the crowd as they enter The Sci-Fi Zone. Artie the Pizza Boy is signing autographs at a booth. He hands a girl in line an autograph and looks it over. SCI FI CHICK What the hell did you write? ARTIE I wrote it in the native Zaruthian split tongue. I learned it when they took me up the third time in their space craft and they brought me to the home world. That was where they commanded me to copy down their most holy and ancient of texts! SCI FI CHICK Really, what did the home world look like? ARTIE (coolly) Ever see the inside of Grace Land? We pan back over to Daria and Jane who are now leaning on a booth featuring some kind of leaping fish man with a large knife watching some fans get into a heated debate. A ring of eager listeners follow their tough guy back and forth closely. KILDAR Oh yeah, well what about the time they traveled back through time to reverse engineer the Halito technology so it would function with their integral Kucha desensitizer? GRATH Hey laser brains, you forgot about the part where Commander Hikia denueralized the Falaya Bok who told that story three books later and debunked it. In reality- We pan back over to the bemused Daria and Jane. DARIA The best entertainment our money can buy. JANE And we got it for free. We pan back over to Kildar and Grath. Grath is making his triumphant final remark as he lords over Kildar. GRATH And that’s why Hikia never was able to recover the Ish Anumpola device from the interior space pirates who fled to…(out of breathe) You know what, go read the canon for yourself. (throws his hand in Kildar’s face) Kucha, I resign my name and am now Nahotabi! Members of their audience clap. DARIA If I ever run a self esteem workshop I now know where to take the kids. JANE I think the battles over, let’s mosey on down to some fresh prospects. DARIA Yeah, it’s starting to stink like a dead Nita Tohbi fur beast. (shocked at herself) JANE The environment is really starting to affect your sarcasm. DARIA (irate) Just move it Lane. As they walk Daria notices they are leaving the Sci-Fi Zone and now entering Fantasy Fifedom. At least that’s what the enchanted sign says. JANE I wonder if Disney Land knows about this place. DARIA Does that make this the happy hunting ground? JANE You ready to start shooting? DARIA After the fur beast incident I’d say it’s time for a mad minute. JANE (looking around) So many targets, so few escape routes. DARIA I have our targets in sight, I‘m taking point. Follow me. Jane follows Daria further into the madness. We pan to their destination- the Arya fanficters booth. It features several reference charts of various things and is made to look like it is made of trees. Clearly some people have spent a lot of time and money on the set up. We see Atkins, Sinisosa, Claire, Renee and several other members of their troupe at the kiosk where they are giving away their Arya theory papers and selling copies of the Arya Unauthorized Dictionary- Unauthorized so it must be true! JANE These the bozos you busted? DARIA Third time will be a charm, or hex. Cover me Lane. JANE Aye, aye Red Six. “Battle of Yavin- Trench Run” music comes in unobtrusively as they work their way through the crowd. SINISOSA Come one, come all and we will expose you to the true nature of Arya the Archer! We cut to Claire and Renee talking with their gathering crowd. RENEE And that’s why when Arya cuts through the Sherwood forest it was in fact, a reference to the Paladins when they fought the Turks, not that Robin Hood nonsense. ARYANITE GUY But she goes mano y mano with Robin in the forest- RENEE You don’t get it, you’re not looking deep enough- It was pure symbolism, since in chapter three of the next book she clearly makes a statement concerning such, an I quote- And Arya remarked, “Maybe King Richard is my cousin.” End quote. Doesn’t get much plainer than that. CLAIRE Also another thing that needs clarification is between Arya and her cousin Aquina. They are not from two different worlds, they are practically twins! ARYANITE CHICK But it’s clearly stated that Arya and Aquina have nothing in common other than a quicker than average wit. The girls are driven by different things and have next to nothing in common in the way of personality traits. RENEE Blasphemer! Get thee out Ohoyo Bringer of Darkness! Or do you even know who that is? ARYANITE CHICK Gawd, you people are such losers. She walks away as do several other people, turned off by the self righteous display. CLAIRE Let’s face it, some people are just too narrow minded to understand the true depth of Arya. Don’t you all agree? Jane steps forward from the crowd, presenting herself to Claire. We see Daria has circled around behind the kiosk side tree with a piece of paper and pencil to help out. JANE Yeah, some people are stupid. Daria shakes her head. RENEE Nice to see another true believer. What do you think of our gathering so far? JANE Honestly I keep thinking I should call up the nearest mental hospital to let them know where their patients escaped too. CLAIRE I quite agree. There are so many nuts around here. JANE If only they didn’t all know how to write. RENEE Really! JANE And if only they didn’t get up on their soap boxes to annoy everyone within earshot like (reads Daria’s card) George the Silversmith! Now Sinisosa is interested. SINISOSA Here! Here! ATKINS Finally someone else who’s read the canon enough to understand! JANE Some come here to learn at the feet of masters, some come for they are the Masters of the Flame! ATKINS Did someone just call for me? JANE And some come- She looks around to see if the crowds gathered yet. It’s starting to amass and Daria is nodding for her to go on. Then Jane hops onto the table in her moment of triumph. JANE Some come just to absorb the culture and learning of others, to get a better understanding of the world around them through the history of the past! RENEE And Arya is definitely the best revisionist history ever written! JANE And others come for a combination of reasons, some call it fate, some call it karma and some- Now a bunch of people are starting to pay attention to Jane’s rant. JANE Come to make fun of all the pathetic losers who get up here and take this stuff seriously! The crowd busts out in laughter as the Arya fanficters don’t get it. RENEE Do you think she’s talking about us? ATKINS I don’t know. SINISOSA Um, Kannakli, who exactly are the pathetic losers you‘re referring to? JANE You’re all obviously very smart, very deep people, you figure it out. She hops off the table. ATKINS Maybe she’s talking about those Dragon Fire wankers. CLAIRE Probably. They’re pretty pathetic. RENEE But from her contemptuous tone it appears she might be referring to us. SINISOSA But who would have the gall to insult us from our own stand, unless you feel we’re just a bunch of pathetic losers Renee. RENEE Well some of us might be pathetic. CLAIRE As limp as your last Arya/Blaine fic was I don’t see how you can throw your accusations at anyone else. RENEE Arya and Blaine are soul mates. They shared fire arrows in battle. Just picture it in your head, unless you lack the imagination which isn’t completely unbelievable. ATKINS I find your theories to be tripe and to top it off your writing is bland and without personality. With the way you write Arya and Blaine might as well be called… JANE Daria and Trent? DARIA (retaliatory) Jane and Jesse. ATKINS Yes! I mean- it’s them! Now Atkins and the gang turn to see their nemesis and her new partner. DARIA I think it’s time to go Kannakli. They quickly rush into the crowd and get lost in it. JANE I think I’m going to change my convention name to Darth Deception. The ficters have lost the girls in the crowd and give up the chase before it begins. SINISOSA Always two there is. RENEE The dumb ass and his sycophant. CLAIRE Who are you calling a sycophant? RENEE Well if the leash fits. CLAIRE If you don’t want to be here Renee you can always leave. RENEE Oh I want to be here, I just wish the rest of you nuts weren’t. SINISOSA Nuts? A nut is someone who believes Arya and Blaine stand a chance at togetherness. CLAIRE Or that the Plains of Ennui aren’t in real life outer Mongolia! ATKINS What are you blathering about? They’re in Finland! Now they start to really get into it as Daria and Jane proudly walk off. Not too long later we see cops come barreling past them. JANE Looks like we’ve done our job. DARIA And got the NYPD seal of approval. AS they make their way out the opening chords of “Voodoo Child (Slight Return)” ring out. We fade to quite awhile later, after Daria’s back in Boston. She exits her apartment building and makes her way to the parking lot out back. DARIA It’s been a week and my car’s still missing. (she looks at the key in hand, the one with the large Cadillac emblem on the chain) Guess I’ll just have to make due with the Caddy. Though they probably might want it back at some point. SALVATORE (from behind) Today would be nice. Daria jumps and turns to face Salvatore and Paulie, still in the black suits. DARIA Salvatore, Paulie. SALVATORE Your car was found out by the city limits in a used car lot, we managed to secure it for you. DARIA Not asking. SALVATORE We parked it around the corner, now your key please? Daria exchanges keys with Salvatore. SALVATORE Little Sicily Rentals thanks you for your patronage. DARIA Thanks for the car. (pause) Is there anyway I could personally thank Mr. Moreno for his kindness? SALVATORE Follow us, Mr. Moreno’s office is on the way back to the lot. We see a little antique shop wedged between a café and a Laundromat on a crowded little city street. We cut to the interior, Daria stands in front of a pair of grand double doors in a oak hall on a claret carpet. Paulie and Salvatore are on the way out as Daria knocks then shoves her hands firmly back into her pockets. DARIA (voice over) I’m about to find out if I’ve been accepting mob favors or the victim of my own paranoia. God I hope I‘m just a paranoid schizo. Did I just say that? Shut up. MORENO (through door) Enter. Daria pushes open the door and it opens into a dark office, the walls and floor are like the hall and the walls are covered with pictures. In the center of the room, illuminated by the large many paned window behind it is a large oak desk and behind it a moderately sized man of about 90. He faintly resembles Jesse in the face and dresses in a fine dark suit as he pours over papers. DARIA Mr. Moreno? PETE Ah, Jesse’s friend, Daria. Daria comes into this inner sanctum and stands directly in front of the desk. DARIA No it’s Da- (realizes he got it right) I came to thank you in person for all of your help. PETE Anything for a friend of the family. DARIA Yeah, the Family. PETE Is something the matter? DARIA Yeah, there is. I haven’t properly thanked you for you help. PETE Well you could kiss my ring, or shake my hand, whatever works. He stands up from behind his desk and walks around it, Daria goes to extend her hand, but as she pulls her hand from her pocket a picture flies out and lands on Mr. Moreno’s desk. DARIA Oh, I’m sorry. Pete turns around and picks the picture up and glances down at it. DARIA That’s just a picture I snapped while cruising the countryside. Like it? PETE You know, I used to own a place that looked like this back in 1957 in a place called Apalachin, ever hear of it?**** DARIA (nervous) Um, no. Not at all. PETE Daria, now that I’ve done a favor for your I want to ask you to perform a favor for me. DARIA (nervous) F-favor? PETE Please talk to my nephew about putting on a shirt, Senora Bellefuente’s husband is a jealous man and can’t stand the sight of his wife seeing another man’s bare chest. DARIA (exhales slowly) Oh, that. I can do that. PETE Oh, and I‘ve been double crossed by a business associate named Eichler, can you whack him for me? DARIA (suddenly nervous again) Ah… PETE (grins and guffaws) Ms. Morgendorffer, I’m not in the Mafia. DARIA (calmly) Who said you where? PETE The only mob in Boston is the Kennedy’s . Now I could go off in a rant about well respected Sicilian stereotypes in a way reminiscent of your young peoples Chris Stone I believe? DARIA Chris Rock? PETE Yes, him. But when I think about it you’ve got balls and I respect that. DARIA That’s about the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me. I’m touched. Deeply. PETE After all, you came to a man you expected to be Mafioso and tried calling him out on it. If I was a Mafioso, to protect myself I could have just ordered someone to break your legs and to sow your mouth shut then toss you into the bay! (guffaws) But you did anyway! He gets up and slaps the very uneasy Daria on her shoulder. PETE You’ve just made an old man’s day. I haven’t had that good a laugh in years. DARIA Uh, yeah. I aim to please. PETE If you ever need anything call me, capiche? DARIA Capiche. PETE And tell Jesse to put on a shirt please. DARIA I’ll see what I can do. We fade into a scene later that evening at Debra Jean’s. Daria is in her work uniform sitting at a booth with Jane. JANE (laughing) You actually thought he was a mobster? Then tried to call him out to his face! (laughs very loud) DARIA What? I had to know, I figured since he lent me the car if he was a mobster he’d come back later asking for a favor. JANE Now that’s just too cynical. DARIA (frustrated) Cynical? Cynical how? How am I cynical? We begin to pull away and fade out as the credits roll and “All Revved Up With No Place to Go” plays on the radio. DJ MAX Welcome back to Zen Rock, I’m your criminale Zen Master Max comin’ up with more of the same stuff I played yesterday. This song was made in the seventies but re-released in the eighties so I think it’s okay to play it. TRENT Cool booth, can we record here sometime? DJ MAX I think so, but only if it’s a song from the eighties. TRENT Hmmm… Don’t know any eighties songs. DJ MAX What about that time you did “Unforgiven” before that show in Calumet City last year? TRENT That wasn’t “Unforgiven”, it was “Dock of the Bay”. DJ MAX Are you sure man, “Dock of the Bay” sounds nothing like “Unforgiven”. TRENT Listen. He starts strumming something that sounds nothing like “Unforgiven” or “Dock of the Bay” but almost country. NICK “Where the Green Grass Grows!” That’s my favorite song! (pause) I mean, my girlfriend’s favorite song. TRENT Isn’t that a country song? NICK I said my girlfriend liked it! Besides, you’re the one playing it, you should know! TRENT It’s “Unforgiven”, I don’t play country. NICK Except for that time we did “Stand By Your Man” for that pissed off crowd in Rock City! DJ MAX Nick, I thought we decided to never mention that ever again. NICK Uh, oh, yeah. My bad. DJ MAX Wait a minute, play that again Trent. Trent plays it again. DJ MAX Now I know what that is- It’s “Iron Man”! TRENT Hmmm…Maybe you’re right. DJ MAX But it’s still not eighties. TRENT I think it’s eighties. DJ MAX No, it’s a Sabbath song, they broke it up in the seventies. TRENT But Ozzy played it in the eighties, so it’d be like that song you’re playing now. DJ MAX Dude you spend way too much time around that Daria chick! NICK Yeah, I know you’re like deep and introspective and all but what you’re doing now is like different! DJ MAX It apply to something other than music, and if it’s not about the music then- TRENT You don’t have to tell me, I’ve sold out to the man. I might as well hang up my guitar right now and go sell a used car. NICK Hell, you’ve already made a jingle! Awkward silence. DJ MAX Dude, if you don’t shut up I think he’s going to hit you with his guitar. NICK Oh, uh, my bad again. TRENT I need to atone. Another pause. NICK Break up your bone? DJ MAX Sell fried rice in Styrofoam? TRENT Eat ziti like Al Capone. They start to muse as we quietly tune them out as well. THE END DARIA AND JANE WILL RETURN NOTES * There’s a discrepancy here and I had to choose what address to use, in the Clerks cartoon Jay states the address is 1611 Uranus Ave. but in Kevin Smith’s Clerks comic 58 Leonard Ave. is the address to the video store. Since Smith spent awhile working in the Quick Stop and RST I’m going with his address. ** I knew of a guy who actually did this. ***That’s from Silent Bob, yo. **** If you don’t know I’ll explain it to you- In 1957 Apalachin was the site of a meeting of family fathers that was busted by the state police. Also, with the exception of the “Zaruthians”, Kildar, Grath and licensed sci-fi franchises all alien names and phrases are actually Choctaw words, a Native American language of Moskogean linguistic stock, or something. To learn more about the Choctaw go to www.choctawnation.com. © 2003 NapalmKracken. Daria and all related characters from the series are pimped out by MTV, who in turn is a dirty whore for Viacom. The music all belongs to different people who aren’t me. Kevin Smith and all affiliate stuff are his and/or View Askew’s. Their website is www.viewaskew.com and finally RST and Quick Stop are owned by some one else who definitely isn’t me. Cadillac is owned by the fine people who make that sweet ass ride. PS- Those of you about to rock, I salute you.