Daria in “Beautiful Day” NAPALMKRACKEN Here’s a little reminder for those who are about to read this story and the characters contained therein- These are, and I quote- “ Fictional characters. FICTIONAL characters, am, am I getting through to you at all?” - Holden McNeil (Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back) We see a nice eye in the sky shot of Boston as we hear the voice of Max Tyler while we pan down to… DJ MAX (voice over, on the radio) And today’s episode is brought to us by the letter ‘D’ for dopplunger, doplinger, dopple-, dopa-, dapa- da- da-ba-do- sorry listeners, I’m a drummer, not some English lit tosser. Cindy, Cindy, come here, can you say this word? CINDY (voice over) Doppelganger. DJ MAX (voice over) Right, what she said, now we’ll have some more Zen Rock 98-point- ‘Eighties’ after these commercial intrusions, I mean messages. Criminales rock all night! (pause) Messages, why don’t we just call them what they are, the only honest ads on this station because they aren’t put subliminally in the music. CINDY (voice over) Max, you’re still on air! DJ MAX (freaked) What?! (click) A dark stone 1930’s era apartment building in a bustling section of Boston. A grocery bag laden Daria steps into view as she leaves the small bodega across the street. She’s got a foot in the road as the walk/ don’t walk changes to the red ’don’t walk’ pedestrian and she’s forced to step back as a few cars zip by. Finally it changes and she gets to cross to the building and we see the sign over the entrance way reads “Rubber Rooms & Board”. She balances the large brown grocery bag in one hand as she attempts to fish her key from her coat pocket. Then the door swings open and smacks into her hand causing her groceries to spill all over the sidewalk. The lanky and awkward young man in the doorway steps back with a ‘not again’ expression on his face. BAKKEN Oh, I’m sorry Daria. Geez, the second time, um let me help- Daria’s already on the ground picking up groceries as he drops to his knees and as he does he clumsily knocks heads with Daria. BAKKEN Dammit- DARIA Don’t worry Art, just step away and nobody gets hurt. BAKKEN (stands up) Yeah, well at least you won’t. She’s managed to get up the last of the groceries and stands up. BAKKEN Um, bye Daria. DARIA Good night Art. BAKKEN Oh, um I finished another tale! (pause) Night. He then looks up at the sky and realizes it’s only mid afternoon. The wood paneling and grayish interior lend a depressive mood in the dim light as Daria makes her way to the stairs and towards her second story room. When she finally gets to it instead of the balancing act she sets down her groceries as she goes for her keys, the ones she left on the pavement by the front door. DARIA Where- (realizes where her keys are) This day just gets better and better. She picks up the grocery bag and rushes back down stairs, she opens the door and sees her keys on the ground. With one foot keeping the door open she leans over and snatches up the keys. BAKKEN (voice) Lose something? This startles her and she again loses her balance, the groceries fall again and a can rolls into the street. DARIA Not much, just my dignity. We see Art standing directly behind where she was, hence the startling. BAKKEN Sorry, did I uh- DARIA Yes you did. BAKKEN I’m sorry. DARIA A very accurate statement. She collects her groceries again, except for a can- a Pinto runs it over and pinto bean pieces and goo spray all over, including on Daria. DARIA Ah… BAKKEN Um- at least the can exploded instead of the car. You know, it’s, it’s a Pinto. DARIA Too bad it wasn’t the car. She makes sure she has the keys and groceries as she heads back in. Outside her room she sets the groceries down as she shoves the keys in the door. A small child walks up to Daria’s bag and grabs a bruised apple and squeals, Daria looks over her shoulder and sees the child. DARIA Now what am I going to stick in the pig’s mouth at the feast? A large Canadian lady comes out of the place a few doors down and sees her child. MRS. VIVE Oh, Jacque, there you are! Leave Ms. Mogendueffer alone, did you take that apple from her? DARIA It’s all right ma’am, I probably was just going to throw it out anyway. The child walks to his mother holding up the bad apple. Mrs. Vive looks at it and gasps. MRS. VIVE Don’t eat that Jacque! That’s a bad apple! (she looks venomously at Daria) You were going to feed my son a bad apple, make him sick! DARIA No ma’am, he took- MRS. VIVE Damn you! Daria turns her keys and moves away in time as the apple is flung at her. She gets the door open and rushes inside. We switch to the interior view of Daria’s room as she slams the door shut behind her. DARIA One of those days… We hear her grocery bag being thrown down the stairs. DARIA (sighs) Boot leather can be pretty appetizing. Her beige apartment is decorated very conservatively, just barely above Spartan. It’s summed up by a two seat couch Beavis & Butt-Head would envy, a TV and a VCR set atop a stack of hardcover books and a coffee table, perfect for resting her boots on as she watches said TV on the couch. A kitchenette completes the room with it’s BPD crime scene tape stuck across the oven. Daria picks up the note on top of the oven and reads it- Daria, whatever you do, don’t open the kiln. (kiln is scratched out and replaced with ‘oven’) -Jane She groans and throws her coat on the couch before kind of pushing the bedroom door open and she allows herself to fall face first onto the bed and tries to sleep in this apparent off chute of the Boston Department of Sanitation she considers her El Presidente Suite. DARIA Think nice thoughts…No work for 2 days…no school until Monday…another one bites the dust…the Boston Strangler may live next doooo…. She finally nods off and within moments the phone rings. This causes grumbling. She reaches for the phone but in her semi conscious flailing she manages to knock it off the dresser and it comes unplugged. DARIA That settles that. Then her cell phone begins to ring, now she has to get up. DARIA Someone better be dead or in jail. (sighs) Dammit Trent. She goes to the couch and pulls the cell phone from her coat pocket. DARIA I can’t post your bail- (listens) What? No, I don’t work today. (listens) It’s my day off. (listens) Why? I’m tired. (listens) It’s not my fault Arthur’s ill. (listens) Would you ask someone else if I told you I had a hockey game to attend? (listens) There is no one else? (listens, sighs) You owe me. (listens) Yes, I better be reimbursed. (listens) I know I’m the best. She flips her phone shut and tosses it back on the couch. DARIA A few hours of work. The perfect way to end the perfect day. She sniffs and then remembers that she still has some pinto bean on her. This causes her to make a weird, winding groan. We cut to her pulling open a drawer with a long sleeved white button up shirt, black skirt (similar to her current one, but cleaner) and a black tie in it and she pulls them out. She throws it on, quickly instant shines her boots and sticks on her little gold name tag- “Daria- Service Specialist” as she pulls open the apartment door. She quickly looks out to see if her illegal immigrant neighbor is still on the war path, sees it’s clear and exits. She goes around back to a small parking lot and sees someone has tossed a cabbage at her ‘74 Monaco station wagon. DARIA How thoughtful, she’s returned some of my groceries. She pulls up her sleeve and pushes the cabbage off, but some slimy bits remain. DARIA I’m reporting this to Mr. Suni, better yet, immigration and AAA. She hops in, turns on the radio and pulls out. “You Got Another Thing Comin’” comes on the radio. DJ MAX (on radio) And here’s another hit from one of my favorite religious denominations, Judas Priest. JUDAS PRIEST One life, I’m gonna live it up. DARIA (off key) One day, it’s gonna screw me up. JUDAS PRIEST Standin’ tall I’m young and kinda proud. DARIA I’m gonna pop … what the hell am I doing? The song continues as she does down the road to an Applebee’s or TGI Friday style restaurant with a tall sign out front that reveals the joint as “Debra Jean’s”. She pulls around back to the employee lot but every spot has been taken, except for one, kind of- someone has parked their Harley across her ‘Employee of the Month’ spot and the adjoining one. DARIA Hog. She gets out and walks to the Harley. She starts to move it as a slightly taller blonde comes walks by. She’s dressed like Daria except she has a black jacket and has a pack of cigarettes in her hand. She takes notice of Daria and stops to watch. MIA Nice bike. DARIA It isn’t mine. MIA I didn’t say it was your bike. DARIA True, what do you want? MIA Another management position and, oh yes, for you to get your god damn off my god damn bike. DARIA Fine. (let’s go and the bike falls over) Then get your bike out of my parking spot. MIA Get your ass away from my bike. DARIA Just my ass, does that mean the rest of me can stay? MIA Sure, if you want to get ran over. DARIA As long as I get worker’s comp it’s fine by me. MIA So it’s an offer then, stand still. DARIA I would love to but I have somewhere to go. MIA That’s what my boss keeps telling me, but then I find little arrogant pricks screwing with my bike and it throws off my day. By the way, what’s your grand kids’ name? DARIA What? MIA (points at Daria’s car) You looked a little young to be a grandma, but looks can be deceiving. DARIA I agree, so I’m going to have to reconsider my position. MIA You going to move so we can both get on with our days or am I just going to leave my bike as is? Inside the joint is alive with the sounds of families laughing, groups having good times and a kid’s 21st birthday party, Daria passes him as he shouts drunkenly. JOE Gimme whiskey! Whiskey! Wooooo! Whiskey and tequila! I’m ready to salute the captain!!! Daria glances his way after the ruckus and he notices her noticing him in his semi drunken state. JOE You like what you see? After another bottle of Jack I might like what I see. (looks her over) Make it two. DARIA And I will still be revolted. Then Joe’s tanked friend chimes in. NEAL Hey, I think it’s my mom. Why you hittin’ on my mom dude? JOE That ain’t your mom, (Daria starts to move away about Joe grabs onto her sleeve) You his mom? DARIA Yes, now go clean your room. JOE Your mom’s a slut. She came onto me. Daria jerks away and walks off. NEAL You said- Daria continues toward the bar and goes in back. Her boss, Vince is observing the chefs at work. He has a noticeable five o’clock shadow, stoner eyes and his position is denoted by the black jacket, giving him a ’Blues Brothers’ look. A waitress barges in past her whining. ALLISON Dammit, (finger quotation marks)“Mister” Fox wants another Jack and tequila with a worm in it. VINCE Life’s tough Allison. You can take a long break after this. DARIA Vince, the Wolf is here. VINCE Daria, thank God you’re here! We’re short handed tonight and tonight’s the writer’s get together deal in the back room. DARIA Hack Con ‘03? VINCE (laughs) Yeah, the Geektober Fest. MIA (steps in) You two should fit right in. VINCE Mia, Debra said you’d be comin’. MIA Debby warned you in advance? VINCE She doesn’t like being called that, now what I need you two to do is go stand watch out by door to the back room, make sure only the authorized authors- authorized authors, that sounds cool- get in, they’re paying by the patron, so we need you to keep out party crashers. Oh, and cater to their every whiny ass need. MIA So I have to sit by a door with her for two hours? VINCE Four hours ladies, unless they want to go into overtime. MIA I can persuade them not to. DARIA I’m missing sleep for this? VINCE Yep, and Mia, you’re no longer assistant manager of our second restaurant so ditch the jacket. MIA You just want to see me take something off. VINCE (laughs) Yeah, that’s it. Now hop to it. MIA Sure, right after my smoke break. Mia walks off, Daria starts to leave. VINCE Wait, Daria. (makes sure Mia isn’t around) The reason I called you in is because I was short and we need two people out there and at least one I know is responsible. Mia used to be assistant manager of our restaurant across town but she blew it and they sent her to me. She’s such a bitch I don’t want her alone dealing directly with our other patrons. DARIA So you send her out back so she can take it all out on me. VINCE Hey, if anyone can talk back to her it’s you and if anything I know you can keep her under control. DARIA I better get the cattle prod from the car then. VINCE (laughs) Oh and Daria, what have I been saying about the boots? DARIA (looks at her boots) What? I shined them. VINCE Fuggitabout. We see the backroom Vince was referring to- it’s essentially a completely separate back building, externally lacking the TGI/Applebee styling of the main building, a few yards back from the main building set up for the gathering of Boston’s best hacks. There are two chairs by the door which leads out to the back parking lot. Daria sits on one and sticks a backpack under her chair and starts looking at the list in her hand. DARIA I’ve never heard of any of these people. (pause) “Robert Ganja- Insurance Commercial of the Year Award- 1989, 1994.” I wonder if he considered it “selling out” or “cashing in”? MIA So the Queen of the Parking Lot talks to herself, better not let your subjects know. DARIA The bitch queen cometh, better hide the dogs. MIA Well don’t we think we’re witty now? DARIA You and your voices didn’t think so before? MIA And let me guess, sarcasm is your middle name? DARIA It’s not my middle name, it’s my mother’s maiden name. MIA Before this escalates lets get some things straight so they don’t carry you out of here in a body bag before the night is done. DARIA Of course then Ms. Assistant Manager. Or is it former Ms. Assistant Manager? MIA It’s more than you’ve ever attained, hell I didn’t even try, now listen to me I have one rule- don’t talk to me, I won’t talk to you and no one goes home crying. Agreed? DARIA Cold war or mutually assured destruction? Fine, let’s do this the old fashion way. Daria puts down the list and unzips her backpack. MIA Good, I don’t want to induce suicidal tendencies in someone, again. At least not when the cops can trace it to me. DARIA You do know you just opened yourself up to a retaliatory strike. MIA So what are you waiting for? DARIA The missiles to arrive from Russia. With that said Daria pulls a book and a newspaper from her backpack and she begins reading “The Secret Sharer”. Mia sits down in the other chair and crosses her arms. There’s a long pause. MIA You read that paper yet? Daria shifts her eyes off the book, to Mia, then to the paper she takes her hand and puts it over it. DARIA You want this? MIA (gets up) Never mind, I’ll get my own. DARIA (picks up the paper and holds it out toward Mia) Take it. MIA (takes it) Thanks, I’ll give you the comics back when you’re done. DARIA (goes back to reading) Having all that antisocial bravado sure makes it hard for you to be grateful, doesn’t it? MIA And like you’re one to talk. DARIA I never claimed I was antisocial, it’s just inferred. MIA What makes you think I’m any different? DARIA You’re a bitch. MIA (starts to read the paper’s ‘Arts’ section) Wasn’t that an intellectual comment. DARIA Some people aren’t worth wasting good intellect on. MIA Sometimes it’s good just to trash worthless people with intellect. That’s why I speak to you at all. From Daria’s POV- it’s pretty bright out at sunset as she sits with her book low enough so that she is aware of anyone or thing that darkens a part of her field of view. A man does and she stands up. DARIA Hack inbound, 1 O’clock low. MIA Call the ball. She slowly gets up and they stand there waiting for the little man with a lot of pomp to make his way over to them. DARIA Afternoon, may I have your name? SINISOSA You mean you don’t know my name? What kind of sound proofed rock do you live under? DARIA Oh wait, are you Professor Klump? SINISOSA Well, it’s understandable if the less read don’t know me, Ms. (looks at her name tag) Dar-I-Uh, I’m the sponsor of this shindig- In the background Mia does a quick Irish jig. SINISOSA I own Sinisosa’s Post-Trade Paperbacks, I publish the works of the many fine authors here who meet my rigorous high quality standards...and deal in quality pre-handled works of literature. MIA And I see you’re a man with great big, high dining standards as well. Sinisosa turns around to face Mia and Daria has to step back to avoid his bulbous ass. SINISOSA That I am, I never thought I would like it, but once I had eaten at Debra Jean’s I knew I had to eat out some more. MIA Many erudites with vigorous appetites who like to guzzle what’s good in life have made that same statement. Daria makes a somewhat sickened face. MIA In our second restaurant we have a wall of the great Bostonians who have made it a habit to eat out a Debra Jean. SINISOSA And that’s precisely why I’m here today to hold this gathering of greatness. MIA For great food this is where great minds get to come. SINISOSA My girl you’re eloquent and gifted, it’s a pity you’re here and not hard at work on a manuscript of your own. MIA Well as a matter of fact I am, unlike Silent Daria over here I want more out of life than just being a Debra Jean’s Employee- DARIA You forgot to mention my ‘service specialist’ status. SINISOSA (hands her a card) Ms. Mia, call me when you finish your grand vision and I will see what I can do for you. He turns back around to speak with Daria as Mia grins. SINISOSA You can learn much from that girl, pay attention Doreen and someday even you may approach me about a deal if you ever want to strive for greater things. (he goes to open the door but it’s locked) Excuse me ma’am, can you please let me in? DARIA Sir, once you show me some form of identification that I can cross reference with my list I’ll open the door. Until then I can’t let you enter. SINISOSA Don’t piss me off young lady, if you do there will be hell to pay. DARIA If I let you in without seeing proof you’re on the list there will be hell to pay with the boss. SINISOSA (pulls out his wallet and shows her his driver’s license) Here, happy? She squints at the picture, then looks at Sinisosa, then she repeats the process a few more times then unlocks the door. DARIA Sure, by the way, can I have a business card too? SINISOSA Why? Do you think I’ll ever publish something written by the likes of you? DARIA No, I need something to stick under my chair’s leg to make it stop wobbling. SINISOSA The manager will be hearing about you! He opens the door and slams it on his way out. MIA Didn’t someone just make a good first impression? DARIA What the hell was that crap you pulled? MIA What, the man likes eating at Debra Jean’s. DARIA Not that you sicko, the schmoozing act you put on at my expense. MIA I was just being a little pragmatic about the situation, as you pointed out, at your expense. I did it for the second reason, but the card and deal was just make it better. Especially since you just had to sit their and take it Ms. World According to Daria. DARIA So you’ve read my column. MIA I always thought a child with crayons wrote that rubbish but then when you were talking with Sinisosa it clicked in my head, you’re the Daria Morgendorffer who writes the column, I saw your name on that employee of the month deal in the hall and I know for a fact you’re an aspiring author, it says so at the bottom of your column. With a name like ’Morgendorffer’ you kind of stand out, which is good since your writing sure doesn’t. DARIA It doesn’t stand out like that act you put on, that was so dirty I feel the need to wash my hands after just listening to you. MIA Maybe someday you too can be a Shakespearean actress so I can over shadow you in that field as well. DARIA I’ll be back in 5. Daria gets up and walks toward the back door of the main restaurant. As she goes to open the door it is flung open and the assistant manager DJ comes out and runs into Daria, knocking her over. DARIA From now on I use the window. DJ Daria, go to our second restaurant and pick up some napkins, some idiot just dumped soy sauce all over our box. DARIA Sorry, but I’m working on the party out back with Mia. DJ Let Mia handle it, I need you to get the napkins. Vince went but he got into a car accident and you’re the only person here slacking off so vamanos! DARIA All right, consider me gone. The sun has yet to go down but the sky is starting to change as Daria walks past the back room to her Monaco. Mia sees her and sands up. MIA Where the hell are you going? DARIA Away, I’m tired of this place so I’m deserting. Have fun Mia, oh and don’t forget to set up the table. With that she walks off and gets into her car. DARIA Finally, some me time. She starts up the car and pulls out then exit’s the parking lot as we go back to her pondering. “Crazy Train” is playing in the background on her radio. DARIA Away from that damn Mia, finally. Time with her felt like looking into a dirty mirror. No, I’m not like that. She took my methods and perverted them. She may have your methods, your skills, but not your motivations, or lack thereof. Good point, thankfully she doesn’t have that, or does she? Who invited you to the conversation? As she continues the debate she comes up to a stop light at an intersection and stops next to a beige Park Avenue with a bass so booming she can’t hear herself speak. The bass is so loud and distorted it’s impossible to say which song it is, but the three preppies in the car are bobbing there heads to it. Daria looks considerably annoyed and when the light changes the car takes off at full speed. DARIA Thank you for blowing the other voices out of my head. DJ MAX (on radio) This is your Zen Radio Master, otherwise known as a ‘DJ’, Max Tyler reminding you don’t think and drive. (Pause) What, the words ‘drink’? I thought you said ‘think’. (pause) Well you shouldn’t. Whatever. (pause) Don’t call me a DJ asshole! (pause) I won’t call you an asshole if you don’t call me a DJ! Dammit, you’re screwing up my aura! Listeners, I’ll be back in a moment, this is Zen 98-point-Eighties and don’t you ever forget it. (pause) Because if you do it might you awhile to find us again and you know, find something better, not that there is a better station out there- um, later. ANNOUNCER (on radio, tough guy voice) Z ROCK 98-point-Eighties will back, so go in a trance! We see Mia looking through the newspaper with the door propped open with the guest list taped to it. Mr. Sinisosa sticks his head out. SINISOSA Mia, everyone’s here and well, where’s the food and drinks? MIA (not looking away from her paper) The waiter’s on his way. SINISOSA That’s good news, thank you! MIA I aim to please. He leaves her alone. MIA No one but myself. She checks her watch and looks up as she watches the sunset. The light above the door comes on, moments later so do the street lights off in the distant street. DARIA (voice over) You can only pull that trick about three times before they realize something’s up. Mia looks over to see Daria coming at her from the restaurant. MIA Four times already, I’m sure the waiter will get here of his own volition, then he can answer to them. DARIA We’re the waiters, once the party started we were suppose to go in and deal with them, and I told you to set the table. MIA So get in there and do us proud. DARIA You’ve probably been on a smoke break the entire time I was gone so why don’t you? MIA Because after I informed DJ of your desertion she get pissed that I had left my post unattended and told me to stay right here for the rest of the night. Hence, you summoning all of your vast people skills and making with the drinks for all those hacks in there. So I guess your plan backfired. DARIA Plan? What do you smoke on those smoke breaks? MIA Your plan- You mentioned ’desertion’ in hopes I would go in there and rat you out to DJ so she would get pissed at me for leaving my post. I figured if I talked a good game to her she would order me not to leave this spot and since everyone had already shown up I wouldn’t have to do anything for the rest of the night but smoke and read while you busted your ass inside. DARIA And if I were to ask DJ right now if you’re a convoluted liar? They stare at each other silently for a moment. DARIA You get the cart, I’ll wait here. MIA Sorry, I‘m going to have a nicotine fit if I don‘t get a smoke soon, so see you in 15. Ciao. She whips out her cigarettes and walks away, Daria crosses her arms and watches her. DARIA We’re nothing alike. Mia stops, by now the sun has finally set and as she turns back toward Daria her shadow partially engulfs her. MIA I disagree, but do you know what the difference between us is? DARIA You’re a callous bitch. MIA I prefer the term ‘uninhibited’. Just live and let die. DARIA Ah, the ‘Paul McCartney’ principle. MIA You ought to try it sometime just give the world the finger and leave ‘em crying. She begins to walk away. DARIA Why? MIA (stops) Because everyone deserves it. DARIA That includes you. MIA It’s a double standard, but it’s in my favor. DARIA And I bet it feels damn good. MIA (grins) Now you’re getting it. DARIA I was right, we’re not anything at all alike. MIA I see that just the thought of being like me is disturbing you, which I find pretty damn amusing. I was once naïve like you, but once you try it you’ll like it. Just dump the inhibitions and enjoy life, now excuse me if I wait a minute longer I’m going to have a nicotine fit. Mia finally walks away. DARIA If only she would have a morality fit. The door swings open and Sinisosa, now pretty irked steps out. SINISOSA I should have known you were the waitress. Where’s our drinks? DARIA I’ll get them in a moment. SINISOSA If you still have a job at the end of the night it’ll be a miracle, I’m going to throw all my weight against you! DARIA Figuratively or literally? We cut to a scene of Daria outside the door preparing to push in a cart into the room. Behind her is Mia with a couple of trays in her hands. MIA And remember, if we’re caught you only have to give name, position and favorite Conrad story. DARIA Unless they use the bamboo chutes. Daria pushes the door open and we go into room. The room itself is done up in an old fashion wooden hunter’s lodge look, the only thing missing is a set of antlers somewhere. A large table for the food runs down the center and there are several smaller tables set up around the room to accommodate the thirty or so guests, which have all already separated into groups as they stand around discussing matters of importance. Sinisosa is leading the largest group who all listen with either a sycophantic ear or feigned lip service. DARIA This has got to be the largest assembly of self important nobodies I have ever seen. MIA Missed your last family reunion? Daria pushes the cart to the table and starts loading food onto it. In the nearest group of hacks a woman in a red dress notices her putting out the food. CLAIRE Finally, the foods here. A portly Englishman forces his way to the table and quickly shoves some in his mouth and grabs some more. ATKINS My, this is good. Almost as fine as Milty’s fiancée’s. SIERRA Girlfriend, not fiancée, he’s still in the three year waiting period. ATKINS Oh right. I guess battle axes take longer to process than hand guns, (to Daria) eh Dar-I-A? DARIA It’s Daria. ATKINS Don’t correct me. A kind of mousy brunette standing beside Claire then speaks up. SIERRA But it is her name, maybe she’s right about it. CLAIRE Maybe she’s mispronouncing it. DARIA Of course, and since you’ve never met me you would know more about my name than I do. ATKINS If that was your pathetic, inexperienced attempt at dry humor please come back and try again after it’s drier than my non-existent martini, which you should be fetching for me instead of bothering us with your poorly thought out attempt at joining our conversation! DARIA Yes, you figured me out, and thank you for shoving me out of it before I made the mistake of getting into it. ATKINS Just get me my martini. DARIA Sure, I’ll have it ready for you in about two years when I’m 21. She backs away from the group and grabs more stuff from the cart as they banter on about her. ATKINS Isn’t it pronounced ‘Dar-I-A’? I believe it is, at least in the proper Queen’s English it is. CLAIRE I believe so, ‘Dar-Iya’ is also the correct way to say it. ATKINS Damn bloody American wankers, can’t say some words right then go name their children and can’t pronounce them right, bloody buggery barbarians some of them. CLAIRE Well just from the name you can tell at least one of her parents must be some kind of psuedo-scholar who thought it would reflect well on her, most likely a her, to give her kid an obscure Persian name. ATKINS And then mispronounce it so horribly wrong! SIERRA Or maybe they’re some kind of hippies who dig uncommon names. ATKINS Could figure out all that in a breath could you? SIERRA Okay, you’re right, that was just a crazy thought I had. CLAIRE Why are we talking about that girl anyway? We have important matters to discuss, like the directions we’ll be taking the heroine Arya next. ATKINS Yeah, pity that last bloke who wrote the last story was such an idiotic bastard who couldn’t tell mythical arrows from faerie ones. CLAIRE Yeah, once we secure the rights to that series we’ll turn it around. Make it the sweeping epic it should have been! SIERRA But wasn’t “The Times and Follies of Arya the Archer” suppose to be semi-historical, adventurous and funny? ATKINS That’s only what some simpleton want you to think! How can you be so dense girl and miss the obvious underlying passion and high art house style drama?! Next time you read the stories you should pay more attention when you read Arya and maybe you’ll get it. CLAIRE If I were you Sierra I’d just quite down and stop embarrassing your self before one of the better authors here really gives it to you! ATKINS But I already have! With that he guffaws and we pan back over to Daria who has finished putting down the food and by her expression we can tell she has had it with the self righteous idiots she’s hearing so she walks back over to them and just invites herself into the conversation. DARIA (annoyed) Hey, I hate to break up your competitive rectum sucking marathon but my neighbor, perhaps you’ve heard of him- Art Bakken created and writes that series, the stuttering goof based his heroine on me, Daria, D-A-R-I-A, and changed the name to the alternative spelling with a “Y’ in place of ‘I’ and dropped the ‘D’ to make it less obvious. Arya is about a witty self sufficient archer being tossed about in a historically accurate medieval world gone mad and how she survives whether it be by force or humor, it isn’t Jane Austen, it’s Art Bakken’s roundabout way of trying to impress me, since he can’t get up the nerve to ask me out in person, and make a quick buck. ATKINS (very condescending) You silly delusional girl, I see why you’re kept on here even though you’re no good, this job is the last shred of sanity you have left, isn’t it? DARIA Why do you ask, you want to borrow it? You probably need it more than I do. ATKINS (pissed) You little bitch, I should bust out my judo on you for that! DARIA (eyes the super sized slob) And then I’ll whip the nine from beneath my skirt and bust a cap in your ass. CLAIRE Calm down, she isn’t worth it. ATKINS (blowing off Claire) Ha! A concealed weapon here? Get real, this is Boston- the bleeding heart of America! DARIA So what, I’m from Texas. ATKINS So you’re a low brow little inbred then! DARIA Isn’t inbreeding what England and Texas have in common? Or is it just your monarchy? ATKINS That’s it, I can’t take anymore of this- I’m reporting you, and calling for your arrest, (turns to the watching writers) you all heard her threats of assault with a deadly weapon on me, didn’t you? SIERRA Actually you- CLAIRE (to Sierra) Just leave you blind little child! DARIA I’ve already called the INS once today, I‘m in the mood to do it again. SIERRA (to Claire, pissed) Leave? Fine, but not because you told me to you psuedo intellectual poser! Personally I love the Arya series, I love everything about it, but you’re all f*!#&ing mad! All we do is bounce ideas off each other, write pretty lame feature length stories with someone else’s characters as if we were Art Bakken, mock others opinions, which can be fun but in the end all we have to our credit it the world’s smallest godless cult! By this point she’s shouted so loud everyone in the room has taken notice and is watching the full debacle between the girls and Daria vs. the Volcano, which has taken a back seat for the moment to Sierra’s moment of clarity. ATKINS Geez Sierra, don’t take it so seriously. Sierra storms out. CLAIRE (yells to her) Hey, couldn’t you tell he was being sarcastic? ATKINS Forget her Claire, she wasn’t good enough for us anyway. MIA But this is- He turns around and she nails him square in the face with a pie. ATKINS Ahh! He picks up the nearest tray and Mia grabs someone else and uses him as a human shield. STEVE I’m just a bystander! SPLAT! STEVE Asswipe! MIA Use this! She hands him a cup of marinade. STEVE Thanks! He dumps it on her. STEVE Bet you didn’t see that one coming! MIA It never works like that in the movies. ATKINS Movies are just fictional rubbish, you imbecilic serving wench. After shoving his way to the scuffle Sinisosa throws in his two cents. SINISOSA Wait a minute, don’t call Ms. Mia an imbecilic serving wench, today she showed more eloquence in her speaking than the lot of you. After seeing the amusing debacle between you and that no good Darian how could she have not taken advantage of the situation? ATKINS By not doing this! With that Atkins fling a salad in Sinisosa’s face and Claire backs him up with an open pepper shakers and she throws it getting pepper on everyone in front of her and then it only gets more ridiculous as people fling food and wine at each other, Sinisosa and Mia (hiding behind Sinisosa’s bulk, but still getting hit) take the brunt of it as this high minded group of Boston’s intellectual best and brightest stage a consumables conflict that engulfs the room and everyone gets something on them… SINISOSA Mia, protect me! MIA Every hack for herself! (she’s pelted with pinto beans) ANONYMOUS HACK Food war!!! Everyone except Daria that is. She steps outside and locks the door behind her. DARIA I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving, hysterical naked. The soul is innocent and immortal it should never die ungodly in an armed madhouse. Darkness has fallen in full as Daria picks up her backpack and walks away from the well lit door and into the darkness. We fade into the same place awhile later, now bathed in the flashing lights of police cruisers as Daria watches the police drag the mucked up, smelly hacks away in handcuffs. SINISOSA Unhand me! I’m Milty Sinisosa, I- He’s shoved into a squad car. As Mia is pulled out Daria steps up beside her and walks along her and the cop. DARIA Plan backfire? MIA Didn’t plan on it turning out like that. What can I say, my opportunism got the best of me. Hell, got what I wanted out of tonight. DARIA Fired? MIA Damn right. And I got a new home for the night. DARIA Optimist. MIA You know I only say that to annoy you. DARIA And I just called the cops to arrest you, but getting the rest of those hacks incarcerate made it even better. MIA Hey, don’t ever twist and pervert my words like that again. DARIA Welcome to my world. Say hi to Trent for me. Daria lets a quick grin slip as Mia is shoved into the back of a squad car and it speeds off. DARIA All in all a great night. She goes over to a bush near the door and reaches behind it. She pulls out a sock and grins slightly again as the opening chord of “Voodoo Child (Slight Return)” rings out. Next we see her trudging up the creaking stairs to her room again, now she looks even more tired than before. DARIA Who’d have thought so much sauce fit into that little can? She trudges down the hall as Art pops his head out his door. ART Daria! DARIA (caught off guard) Huh?! Oh Art, how many times have I asked you not to do that? ART Sorry. DARIA It’s all right. She walks to him. DARIA You know you have great potential, you shouldn’t waste it on this little ‘Arya’ series of yours. ART But I uh, like it. They’re fun characters to write. DARIA I just met a whole lot of people who would agree to that. ART Really? DARIA They’re being taken away for mental evaluations as we speak probably. ART (unhappily) Oh. DARIA But you’re not one of them. ART Um, th- thank you Daria. DARIA Good night Art. She walks to her room across from his and pulls out her keys. He takes a deep breath. ART Uh, Daria willyougooutwithmeFridayIundestandifyousaynookay?! DARIA What? ART Nothing, uh, good night Daria. DARIA Good night yet again Art, and by the way, if you had asked me out the answer would have been ‘yes’. Oh well. ART Um, yeah. Oh well. He closes his door as Daria makes it to her room and pulls off her tie, she tosses it on the couch and shuts the door. She goes to her room and plops onto the bed, looking up at the ceiling. Then she notices a messages has been left on her answering machine. DARIA If that’s Vince I quit. She plays it. JANE (on message) Hey Daria, sorry about using your oven as kiln, I would have used mine but I had already messed it up with a Rice-A-Roni sculpture gone horrible wrong. Don’t ask. But I’ll make it up to you, let’s go to the car lot tomorrow, hassle the sales guy, lead him on for hours, negotiate a contract to the last detail then just walk off the lot. Call me back later, okay? Bye. (click) DARIA Looks like a full day of fun is ahead of me tomorrow. She pulls off her glasses and instantly falls to sleep. Suddenly the door is violently kicked in and as Daria reaches for her glasses a man in black shoves the barrel of a MP-5 in her face. Within moments she is surrounded by men in black body armor with sub machine guns, pistols and shotguns. INS 1 Don’t move! INS 2 (from kitchen) It looks like she was making some kind of bomb in the oven, call the bomb squad! DARIA What’s going on here? Their captain, not that Daria can differentiate him from the rest, especially without her glasses on, steps forward and levels his shotgun at her. INS CAPT. We got a tip from a woman taken downtown that a Canadian terrorist was living at this address and had caused that disturbance down at Debra Jean’s to keep her from exposing you in public, further more we got a complaint earlier about a Canadian woman living here illegally at this address, so it looks like you’re under arrest. Daria just looks down and shakes her head. DARIA (to herself) Dammit Mia. (sighs) I should have stayed in Lawndale. (looks up and squints at the captain) Sir I am NOT Canadian. INS CAPT. Well we’ll find that out later down at headquarters, now won’t we? As U2’s “Beautiful Day” strikes up we see Daria sitting alone on a concrete bench in a cell at the INS HQ. DARIA On second thought I should have stayed in Highland where they‘ve never even heard of Boston. We pan out from the barred window and outward to the serene and beautiful night sky, the same one we saw before as this day began. Fade to black as we listen into Max’s little radio bit while credits roll. DJ MAX Welcome back to Zen Rock, Boston’s only all criminale Zen radio, where the music is a million times better than that crap 99.9 plays. NICK 99.9, isn’t their catch phrase- “We’re 666 upside down so we must be bad ass” or something? I love that station. DJ MAX Nick! NICK I mean yeah, Zen Rock rules, 99.9 is um, uh… DJ MAX Just a bunch of copycat wannabes trying to muscle in on Zen Rock’s turf. This is Zen Rock, we play all the best tunes to meditate to. NICK From the Eighties. DJ MAX From the Eighties, yeah. Here with me tonight is the bass player from my band and brother criminale at large, Nick Campbell. NICK Rock till morning! DJ MAX Nick, we only rock till about eleven then Midnight Madness begins and they don’t pay me for overtime here. NICK Right, we’re all about the music as long as we get paid now, is that it? DJ MAX Hey, I’m all about the music! But do you know how much a Zen garden costs these days? NICK You sold out man, look at you- I bet you bought that faux Native American shirt thing at retail price! What would Trent say if he was here right now and not in jail for public drunkenness and exposing himself? DJ MAX (bad Trent imitation) Can I borrow some money, I need gas. (normal) And for your information Trent though the shirt was bad ass. NICK Are you sure he didn’t say ’bad asswipe sell out’? DJ MAX I don’t have to take this! Get out! NICK Make me! DJ MAX I will! NICK Then do it. DJ MAX This is your last chance to leave before I channel all my negative energy at you! NICK Go ahead, channel all your negative energy at me, hell I’ll channel some of my- There is the sickening crack of Nick getting punched in the nose. NICK Ahhh! My nose! You punched me! DJ MAX I channeled all my negative energy at you, see what happens? NICK You punched me in the nose! DJ MAX So I used my fist as the outlet. NICK Ow…it hurts… DJ MAX Want me to get you to the hospital? NICK Sure, thanks man. Uh, can we stop for burgers on the way there? DJ MAX Cool. We hear the sound of footsteps as they leave. NICK Max, can I borrow a dollar? La, la, la, la, la… THE END Special thanks to Daniel Suni for proof reading , support and the truth about doppelgangers. Special thanks to my cousin, who shall remain nameless. © 2003 NapalmKracken. The story is mine, though some throw away references to other stuff are not. Daria (and related characters) is pimped out by MTV, who is in turn a dirty whore for Viacom. ________________________________________________________________________ ALTERNATIVE ENDING From the POV of a customer- we are walking toward Debra Jean’s in the dead of night, only the sign and entrance lights are still lit. We push open the door to the deserted restaurant, only a few lights are still on and Daria is sweeping up behind the bar, as we approach her she looks up. DARIA Sorry sir, but we’re closed. Suddenly we see the stranger pull a .38 revolver from his coat and point it at Daria as her eyes go wide in horror. BLAM! She slams hard against the back wall and slides down to the ground. The swift footed thief hops over her profusely bleeding body and goes for the cash register and shoves the money into a bag. From Daria’s glasses POV- the only clear thing we see is the image of Daria with her hand to the badly hemorrhaging chest wound as the thief hops over her again and steps on the glasses, crushing them and sending us to black. Credits. Then we see Trent come in and look around. TRENT Hey Daria, some guy named Kevin Smith said something about something…I think he said he wants some soup from you, and his lawyer will tell you what he thinks about it I guess. Daria? You still in here? (shrugs) Hmm…Guess she already went home. He leaves and we hear a whimsical little exit cue. Plagiarist’s note- In case you don’t know this is a blatant rip off of Kevin Smith’s original ending to his classic ’Clerks’. He never used it so I figured I wouldn’t either. Did I say blatant rip off? I mean ‘homage’. ________________________________________________________________________ CUT SCENE The hacks obliging grab more before she gets to the farthest corner. Two thin young women are talking with a portly British gentleman. LUISE And as I was saying, the problem with people today is that they’re not as receptive as they should be toward open sexuality. ATKINS I agree wholeheartedly, the problem with you Yanks is that for as barbarous as you are just mention sex and you’re all bloody Puritans. DARIA Bet you’re glad they fled England long ago for America. ATKINS (notices Daria) Oh, finally I was famished, damn Americans, late for everything. (grabs up some food) Now as I said about sexuality, Donald is a deep character, it ‘s part of him. He has no pants on for crying out, so the fact he has a cock shouldn’t be omitted. LUISE Oh I agree fully. The only people worse than us on that matter are those damn Fins. I hear they actually banned him in that country for not wearing pants and having a girlfriend, promiscuous living they said. TINA It’s Donald Duck, I don’t see what the problem is, Disney should just get over it. Children have a right to know. Daria slowly backs out and makes her way to some more, hopefully less perverse hacks. DARIA Snacks anyone? JAN What, no beer, cigarettes or pretzels? DARIA Sorry, I left those on the cart. In the Red Sox stadium. © 2003 NapalmKracken. The story is mine, though some throw away references to other stuff are not. Daria (and related characters) is pimped out by MTV, who is in turn a dirty whore for Viacom. The music contained herein (anywhere in the story or other parts of this document) isn’t mine either, but someone owns them, just not me. PS- Here they come to snuff the rooster, but little do they know he ain’t gonna die.