"Chick Police" By 'Napalm' K. INT. MALL FOOD COURT Butt-Head sits in a crowded food court watching the chicks pass by. BUTT-HEAD (to no one in particular) Hey baby, want to try my chicken McNugget? A blonde passes him and he begins to follow her. BUTT-HEAD Whoa! He follows her off screen. BUTT-HEAD (off screen) Wanna bite my McNugget? A loud smacking sound is heard and Butt-Head flies onto the floor. BUTT-HEAD Ow. That sucked, it's like, they just keep getting away dammit. Beavis walks onto the screen holding up a pair of handcuffs. BEAVIS He-he-m-he-he, hey Butt-Head, check these out. I ripped them off that dumb ass cop. BUTT-HEAD Cool. A chick walks by and they both stare. BUTT-HEAD Cool... He looks at the hand cuffs. BUTT-HEAD Huh-huh-huh. He looks at a passing chick. BUTT-HEAD Huh-huh-huh. Beavis follows the chick off screen. BEAVIS Free corn dog! A smacking sound is heard and Beavis lands beside Butt-Head. BEAVIS Dammit! She got away. BUTT-HEAD (looks at the hand cuffs) Hey Beavis, I think I know how to solve our chick problems... BEAVIS You bought one? He-he-m-he-he, can't I uh, touch her? BUTT-HEAD No butt munch, the hand cuffs, like put one end on your wrists and one end on a chick and like, she'll be stuck with us and then she'll like wanna score with us or something. BEAVIS Cool, I'm finally gonna score! I'm finally gonna score! He slaps one of the cuffs on his wrist and they get up. They see a short brunette chick from behind. BUTT-HEAD Like, chick at 12 o'clock low. BEAVIS He-he-m-he-he. Let's probe her perimeter. BUTT-HEAD Huh-huh-huh, probe. They sneak up behind the girl then walk beside her...suddenly Beavis slaps the cuff down on the chicks wrist. BEAVIS Chick Police! This is a bust! Show me your bust- They find themselves with an irate Daria. Butt-Head smacks Beavis. BUTT-HEAD Dammit dillweed that's not a chick, it's Diarrhea. DARIA Are you sure I'm not just a bad case of indigestion? BEAVIS Dammit! This sucks, I was supposed to score with a chick and like instead I get you! DARIA Imagine how I felt when I told the agency to send over a Brazilian underwear model and you showed up. Now will you please get these hand cuffs off me, or did you plan something kinky for tonight? BUTT-HEAD This sucks. BEAVIS Yeah, like without the keys I can't get these damn hand cuffs off! DARIA Wait a minute did you just say you don't have the keys? BUTT-HEAD Um...uh.... BEAVIS Yeah, uh.... DARIA (irate) Well? Butt-Head smacks Beavis. BUTT-HEAD Dammit, make some smart ass remark so we don't look stupid. DARIA It's too late for that. BEAVIS Like um... DARIA You hand cuffed yourself to me and you don't have the keys to the hand cuffs? BUTT-HEAD Um, yeah. DARIA What the hell are you two on? BEAVIS Um, phonics? BUTT-HEAD Huh-huh, What a dumb ass. DARIA (to self) This is great, I go to this wretched hive of scum and stupidity and that's exactly who I run into! Now how are we going to get these things off? BUTT-HEAD We could cut dill weeds hand off. He takes a plastic knife out of his pocket and tries to stab Beavis in the wrist with it. He jerks his hand out of the way. BEAVIS Ahhh! He smacks Butt-Head in the head and Butt-Head drops the knife. DARIA Let's try plan B. BEAVIS Plan B? BUTT-HEAD B like Butt hugger or bung hole. BEAIVS Bungholio. She tries to start walking but Beavis and Butt-Head don't move. BEAVIS Maybe we can try and pick the lock with one of those toothpicks. DARIA I really don't think that will work. Butt-Head tries to jam a wooden toothpick in the lock but it breaks. BEAVIS Dammit! DARIA I have an idea, follow me. She tries to start walking away but can't because Beavis won't budge. BEAVIS Like why should we follow you, you've already caused us enough trouble! DARIA I'm causing trouble for you? BUTT-HEAD Huh-huh-huh, yeah, like If you were a chick instead of Diarrhea it wouldn't matter we can't get these hand cuffs off. DARIA Then follow me and I'll take you to some chicks. BUTT-HEAD Cool! You like know chicks? DARIA And sluts. BUTT-HEAD Take us to your sluts. BEAVIS (excited) B-o-o-o-i-n-g! DARIA Follow me to the Promised Land. BEAVIS Cool! Chicks and sluts! They begin to walk out of the food court. BEAVIS The Promised land, flowing with milk and honeys. BUTT-HEAD And beer. This is going to be cool. They follow her to a large mall map. Daria stops to read the map. DARIA Let's see...I should be able get a lock pick here... BUTT-HEAD Like why are we stopping here? DARIA I'm seeing how far it is to Chick-a-dise. BEAVIS Cool! Chick-a-dise. BUTT-HEAD Chick-a-dise. Huh-huh-huh. Like, why the hell should you know where chick-a-dise is, you're not a chick. DARIA But I once tracked some down to their secret lair, that's why I know where it is. BEAVIS Oh, um...cool. BUTT-HEAD Diarrhea, the Chick Hunter. DARIA Only when the Croc wrangling bores me. BUTT-HEAD You like do all that? DARIA (paying little attention to them) In my off time. Now come on, it's this way. They follow her deeper into the mall. BUTT-HEAD This is going to rule. BEAVIS Yeah, there will be chicks and sluts and...and... DARIA (irate) TP! Now come on! BEAVIS This is going to kick ass! They see a Christian bookstore and stop. DARIA Hey, let's keep going. BUTT-HEAD Look, that poster says Go-Go- DARIA Gadget? BEAVIS Gaw- God? DARIA (sarcastically) I bet they sell Godsmack stuff here. BEAVIS Cool! I like need their new album. She shakes her head. BUTT-HEAD And I want a T-shirt. BEAVIS Metallica like sucks now, since Hetfield went to rehab.. BUTT-HEAD Yeah, that lead singer guy like sucks. BEAVIS Like when was drinking a problem? DARIA Well hurry up and we can get there in time for the kegger. BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD (yelling, excited) KEGGER! Daria starts to walk again and they keep up with her. BUTT-HEAD So like at this party in Chick-a-dise, there's going to be chicks and sluts, and like beer. BEAVIS And TP? DARIA Yes, all the TP you can do whatever it is you do with it. BEAVIS Well I take my shlong- Daria smacks him in the face. BUTT-HEAD Dammit ass goblin! He goes to smack Beavis but misses and hits Daria square in the face. BUTT-HEAD Oops. They start walking again. BUTT-HEAD Like, we're going to need lines to like, pick up the chicks, how's this sound- Hey baby, like nice party, but like you wanna join the party in my shorts? BEAVIS That sucks, like um, how does this sound- I like offer a slut some beer so I like then pour some into my mouth and- Butt-Head smacks Beavis. BUTT-HEAD That's stupid. DARIA Thank you. Now it's just a little farther- They walk up top a store and she looks at an empty locked up store with an "OUT OF BUSINESS" sign on the front. DARIA Dammit. BEAVIS Is this it? BUTT-HEAD I'm like, ready to rumble. DARIA This is, was... BUTT-HEAD Can you like hurry up so we can get to Chick-a-dise and score? DARIA Where...wait a minute...dammit...the bolt cutters are at home. (to the boys) Come on, it's relocated. We next see the trio standing at a bus stop outside the mall. A few people besides them are there and one has out a boom box blaring some music. BEAVIS Hey, this is the bus stop! BUTT-HEAD Hey, I like think Diarrhea's lied to us. DARIA I didn't lie to you we just need to take the bus out of here. BEAVIS Oh, cool. He-he-m-he-he. Bus stop. Bustop. Bust. He-he-m-he-he. BUTT-HEAD You said bust. Huh-huh-uh. Like Diarrhea, where's your bust? DARIA I left it at home for safekeeping. BUTT-HEAD Hey this music is cool. BEAVIS It's like we can party and stuff to it. Butt-Head begins to 'dance'. BEAVIS Like what the hell are you doing? BUTT-HEAD I'm like practicing for when we get to the party. BEAVIS Oh yeah, yeah, good idea. Beavis begins to dance too. Daria looks irate and checks her watch real quick. Then she begins to tap her foot in annoyance. BEAVIS (while dancing) Fire! Fire! DARIA (angry) Water Burn! Shut up! Next we see a suburban street, the bus stops in front of it and the trio gets out. DAIRA Come on, we're almost there. BEAVIS We're finally gonna score! BUTT-HEAD I can feel it in the force...in my pants. They laugh, Daria leads them into her house, a typical single story house. She walks them into the garage. DARIA This way tweedle dee and tweedle dumb ass. BUTT-HEAD Uh...there's no chicks in here. BEAVIS This place sucks, it's like a crappy garage. DARIA Calm down, I'm going to get us loose then you can go party and mingle. Daria reaches over to a tool box with her uncuffed hand gets out a pair of bolt cutters. DARIA Close your eyes and you'll know the party's started when you feel something. They close their eyes. BEAVIS I'm feeling something right now. B-O-I-N-G! BUTT-HEAD Can you hurry up? BEAVIS Yeah, I'm ready to score now. Daria takes the bolt cutters and breaks off the cuffs. She then holds the bolt cutter s like a baseball bat. DARIA You're going to feel something in a moment. She then smacks the boys over the head with the bolt cutters. BEAVIS Ow! BUTT-HEAD Dammit! DARIA Get out! She swings at them some more and chases them out. We see the boys run out of the house and down the street. BEAVIS Dammit, like we were so close. I can like feel the breasts. Yeeeaaaahhhh.... BUTT-HEAD Yeah, hey, she forgot to show us to Chick-a-dise. BEAVIS Dumb ass bitch. They walk back to Daria's house and bang on the door. BUTT-HEAD Hey dumb ass, you forgot to show us- Quinn answers it and the boys look stunned. QUINN Are you two my dates for tonight? BEAVIS No, we're- Butt-Head smacks Beavis hard. BUTT-HEAD Yeah, we're your dates. QUINN Oh, well come in. Fade to black. WRITTEN, PRODUCED AND DIRECTED BY NAPALMKRACKEN A NAPALM JOINT COPYRIGHT 2002, 2005 NapalmKracken. MTV pimps out Beavis & Butt-Head & Daria and in turn is a dirty whore for Viacom.