Written & Directed By:





Black. Ambient classroom noises.


CASSANDRA (voice over) Daria. Daria wake up.


Dariaís POV- as she grumbles her eyes open and blink. Cassandra, a willowy brunette with glasses in a blue dress is shaking her awake.


DARIA They rung the bell already?


We change to a view of the two girls at Dariaís desk at Mr. Van Driessenís class in HHS. The classroom is practically empty since class has ended. The hippie teacher David Van Driessen can be seen leaving the room. Daria straightens up and tries to come awake. Cassandra lets out a small laugh.

Daria is in her pre-Daria khaki/beige outfit; brown skirt, khaki over shirt and black T-shirt. Brown hiking bots and black leggings.


CASSANDRA Youíre amazing Morgendorffer. Todayís a special day and youíre treating it like Tuesday.


DARIA (very slowly and tired) Thatís because every Tuesday is special. Taco Tuesday only comes once a week. The only day more special than Tuesday is the occasional Monday. Such as yesterdayís Monday Marathon Madness of Sick Sad World (huge yawn) till 2 AM.


CASSANDRA You stayed up and- (shakes her head) At least one of us has her priorities straight.


DARIA I donít give a damn if I have to meet the president of the United States the morning after. Iím not missing the show.


Daria stands up. She and Cassandra walk out of the classroom. This conversation continues as they walk down the student laden hall. As they walk at some point Daria looks up at a clock on the wall.


CASSANDRA If I didnít know you so well I would have thought you were being sincere.


DARIA Well thank God someone has me pegged.


CASSANDRA I know weíre not friends per se but Iíd like to think we have an understanding of each other.


DARIA You overestimate me. I belittle you. We trade unappetizing lunch items. Iíd call that a working knowledge.


CASSANDRA With anyone else Iíd call that friendship.


DARIA Arenít we special?


CASSANDRA Then maybe we can share a table with Stewart for lunch today.


DARIA Not that special. Honestly, why do you bother with me?


CASSANDRA Because youíre truly talented and refuse to show it. No potential should go to waste.


DARIA Thatís what they said about Uranium.


The Presidents of the USAís Back Porch plays up as we transition to the next scene.




HHS Gym. A large gym of typical construction, there is a stage and podium erected in the center of the basketball court. Men in black roam the room; the marching band is prepping near an entrance. People are filling the bleachers. A section has been set aside for VIPS and another is roped off. Daria and Cassandra are walking through and entrance and heading for the roped off bleachers.


DARIA What I donít get is why I was chosen for this instead of you.


CASSANDRA Youíre photogenic, have a winning smile and have never been involved in possible anti-American activities or eco-terrorism.


DARIA Too bad you only have 3 out of 4.


CASSANDRA I regret nothing. Those trees needed saving.


DARIA Oh, 2 out of 4 then. That makes us even.


CASSANDRA I submitted your name as a possible replacement for me.


DARIA I thought you thought of yourself as my friend?

CASSANDRA (smirks) Malicious benefactor.


DARIA Now Iím willing to wager youíre the one who called my parents and told them about this.

CASSANDRA Remember what I said about your potential Daria?


DARIA Sadistic optimist.


Daria sits at the roped off bleachers at her spot- itís marked with a flash card that sports her name on one side and Ďacceptable questionsí on the other. She looks around at the other students. Theyíre hand picked honor students representing all races and ethnicities at the school and with a 1:1 male/female ratio.


CASSANDRA Highland Honor students.


DARIA I hate Highland Honor students.


A man in black takes to the podium.


MIB All non-essential personnel please clear the floor. Everyone else to your positions.


CASSANDRA Good luck Daria.

Cassandra exits the scene. Daria sighs and reads through her card. Pulling a pen from her pocket she starts making changes to it.


BUTT-HEAD Check it out, Diarrhea has a pass too.

BEAVIS I bet itís a bathroom pass. Yeah, he-he-m-he-he.


The boys take seats beside her.


DARIA (points out the door) Detention is that way.


BUTT-HEAD Um, like the men in black brought us here.


BEAVIS Yeah. They flashed me and like I forget stuff.


BUTT-HEAD Like wiping? Uh-huh.


DARIA I guess the two of you balance out the rest of this ensemble.




BEAVIS Words suck.


DARIA (sighs) I just insinuated that in a room with twelve intellectuals and/or honor students representing intelligence instead of twelve intellectually devoid morons to even things out it merely takes the two of you wallowing in your complete and utter idiocy.


The boys are frozen and dumb founded.


BUTT-HEAD UhÖYour name is Diarrhea.

BEAVIS Diarrhea cha, cha, cha! Diarrhea cha, cha, cha!


Daria shakes her head as the band strikes up with the Beavis & Butt-Head Theme which leads into Hail to the Chief. As the band plays Tabitha Soren (CAMEO: TABITHA SOREN) takes to the podium.


TABITHA Iím Tabitha Soren and Iíd like to welcome everyone here today for our meeting with the president!


BUTT-HEAD She got held back.


BEAVIS Dumbass! (pause) Hey Butt-Head, that chick is playing the flute. Itís pretty cool.


BUTT-HEAD Uh-huh, I bet you like playing the flute. Uh-huh.


BEAVIS Yeah, he-he. All the time.


BUTT-HEAD The skin flute.


BEAVIS Ah! Take that back! Oh wait, never mind. He-he. Youíre pretty smart sometimes Butt-Head.


DARIA Boys, if you get me a coke you can keep the buck fifty.


She holds out two dollars to them. Butt-Head snaps it up.




DARIA HEB Cola please.


BUTT-HEAD UhÖ they donít sell that at school.


DARIA (Smirks) Thatís why you have a pass, right?


BUTT-HEAD Um... oh yeah.


The boys get up to go.

DARIA Take all the time you need.


They exit the scene. Daria sits back contently. We refocus on Tabitha Soren.


TABITHA Öwhere he single handedly saved the boll weevil from extinction. Then he became our president!


Amid clapping and cat calls the president* (CAMEO: DARRELL HAMMOND) take the stage and Tabitha exits it. Signs are held up with statements that range from ĎWe love you!í to ĎYou My Baby Daddyí.


* This is not meant to represent any real president but rather a Southern fried one, Darrell Hammond has played both Bush and Clinton therefore he is the obvious choice.


PRESIDENT Howdy yíall.

CROWD (yells) HOWDY!


PRESIDENT Now I could sit up here all day, jaw jackiní about what once was and what is, but today weíre going to talk about whatís gonna be. I know for a fact the future can be kinda scary especially when youíre waiting for a piece of mail you donít want.


DARIA (to herself) A half off subscription to Wet Hooters.


INTELLIGENSA PRICK (whispers to Daria) He means a Vietnam-era draft card you trog.


DARIA Really? Maybe you can answer this question of mine. How many fingers am I holding up?


We go to a reaction shot of the nerd. Daria smirks, then her eyes lock onto her parents in the audience. Jake is holding a video camera so she quickly puts her finger down.


TABITHA (off screen) And now, let us welcome our first randomly selected student speaker, Dar-I-uh Morgendorffer!


Daria takes to the stage. The microphone is set too tall for her so she takes a moment to readjust it.

DARIA Mr. President, in your campaign you said you wanted a college education for all young people. Did you mean that or where you just jerking us around?


PRESIDENT I did! One, itís crucial to the economy, two as individuals the value off sets the cost-


Suddenly a giant banner unfurls from the rafters; it is ridden by Beavis and Butt-Head. The banner separates Daria from the President. The boys are on the president side of the giant ďThanks for coming!Ē banner.


PRESIDENT Whatís goiní on?!


BUTT-HEAD Um, if you donít tell anyone we did that weíll give you a dollar.


Daria walks around the banner.


DARIA (high-pitched) Beavis and Butt-Head!


BEAVIS Hey Diarrhea. We got lost.


PRESIDENT Did you do that just to meet me?




PRESIDENT Well then.


The president stands so that Daria is obscured in the scene.


PRESIDENT These boys represent the future of this great country. They did not wait for selection but rather selected themselves to meet me. They chose an objective and rode until the end. Truly an inspiration to their nation and their generation! I declare these two boys Americaís Students of the Year!

Video Camera POV- massive clapping and flash bulbs going off. This is instantly replaced by the Sick, Sad World Logo.


SSW ANNOUNCER Why do ghosts scream at night? Apparitions who fear the dark coming up on the next Sick, Sad World!




The TV screen goes black. We pull out to see Daria wedged between Helen and Jake on the sofa in the living room.


DARIA They never gave me my two dollars back.


JAKE I am still so proud of you!


HELEN Wasnít that great Daria? My daughter met the president!


DARIA (mumbles) And then I met his vice.

She hops off the couch.

DARIA Well my punishment is over so Iíll take my leave of you.


HELEN Not so fast Daria.


She reaches over the side of the couch and brings up Dariaís school chocolate bar box.


DARIA You know you could have just executed me.


HELEN (smiles) Not in this state dear.


As she does the opening chords to Youíre Standing on My Neck play up. She takes the box and exits the scene.




Song: Splendoraís Youíre Standing on My Neck (Daria Theme Song)


An animated Daria is drawn into the scene. She looks kind of surprised and looks at herself. An animated Jane walks in too holding the first of the credits. They pass around credits; get them dropped on them, etc. In the end we pull out to see Jane at an easel doing the work with a big smirk on her face. (Think Looney Tunes)








The Getaway Peopleís She Gave Me Love plays on the ĎLexusí radio. It gets lower in volume as Daria distances herself from the car.


An establishing shot of the Lane Homestead at 1111 Howard Drive. Very early morning. Jakeís 1995 blue Ford Taurus with Lexus badges (ĎThe Lexusí) is parked out front. Daria walks to the front door. The Tank is parked across the width of the driveway.


Daria knocks on the door. No response. Again. Same results. She pushes on the front door and it swings open for her. Daria steps in and shuts the door after her. She fiddles with the lock for a moment then gives up.

Once inside incredibly loud music, The Offspringís All I Want is heard blaring from the basement, She Gave Me Love vanishes at this point.


Cut to the basement. The basement is similar to how it was on the show. Instruments are everywhere to denote this was a band practice. The Mystik Spiral banner is protruding from the washer.


Nick is looking through a catalogue on the stereo while Jesse and Trent talk at a card table. Max is grabbing a beer from the basementís mini-fridge. The music is so loud only Jesse and Trent can hear each other.


MAX I think the powerís out Trent, this beer is warm.




MAX (louder) The powerís out Ďcause your beer is warm.


TRENT (to Nick) Turn it down!


NICK After the song!




NICK What!




NICK Yeah!


The song ends. Nick yells out the last line.


NICK Okay!

MAX Not cool. Anyway Trent, I think your power is out, the beer is warm.


Trent looks over at the stereo and we pan along his line of sight.


TRENT That fridge doesnít work Max.

MAX Oh. Why didnít you say so when I put them in?


TRENT I think I did. HmmmÖ.


MAX We can chalk that up to Ďnoí then.


NICK (referring to the magazine) Hey Max, whatís up with these mini-bongs?


MAX How should I know? Iím just an urban mystic; I canít use the Force and look at the damn book from here!


NICK TheÖ hereís the name- The ĎPrince Albertí.


TRENT Those arenít bongs.


MAX If theyíre in that catalogue then they are.

Trent leans back in his seat then looks at Jesse.


TRENT I donít know Jesse.



TRENT Weíve been here sinceÖ last night and itísÖ


He looks out the basement windows and sees its light.


TRENT Not night.




TRENT Do you ever get the feeling we have more passion for our art than we have art to show for our passion?


JESSE (indeterminate) Yeah.


MAX (sits down at the table) Its quality not quantity man. Nice quote though, whoíd you hear that art/passion bit from?


TRENT Itís written on my forearm.


MAX Groovy.


NICK (calls over from the stereo) It was in a Rush song.


MAX How the Hell would you know?


NICK Because I know these things!


MAX Wussy.


NICK My sister loves Rush okay?!


TRENT Um guys, we came here to practice right?


MAX Kick ass. (takes a drink)


TRENT Did we even pick up our instruments tonight?




Dead air.


TRENT Heís completely trashed isnít he?




Max snaps his fingers in front of Jesseís face. No response.


MAX Sure we did Trent. Remember, you where going to tune your guitar before the pizza came?


TRENT I think that was last time.


MAX My bad. Forgot, we didnít get pizza last time. That was theÖtheÖ it happened once okay? If all else fails weíll call ourselves the Howard Street Social Club, bring strippers and beer down here once a week and throw on Behind My Eyelids.


TRENT The player is busted.


MAX My bad again.


TRENT We got to do something. We have to keep our eyes on the prize.


MAX (drains his beer) So you want we should get behind those instruments and kick out the jams?


TRENT Thatís not a bad idea.


Trent stands up. Then Max. They help Jesse to his feet.


MAX Cool, but first letís hit a drive-thru Iím starving.


JESSE Yeah. (pause) Is it time for Oprah? (pause) I have issues.


NICK I call shotgun!


We follow Nick over to the stairs. Daria is standing at the top of them.


TRENT Hey Daria, when did you get here?


DARIA (slightly nervous) Um, after the good part Iím sure.


TRENT You missed the practice.


MAX Or maybe she just showed up early for the next one.


DARIA (slightly nervous) I came to see if Jane was down here, guess not. Is she up?


TRENT Is it 7?


JESSE Which one?


TRENT (shrugs) Either.


DARIA A little after the first one.


TRENT Probably not. Of course she sometimes doesnít go to sleep until after the first one.

DARIA Thank you Trent.


Daria starts to leave the basement.


TRENT Wait a second.




DMXís Lose My Mind blares on Janeís stereo.


We start in tight on a blissfully sleeping Jane sprawled out on her bed. Her stereo is turned down considerably. Jane jumps as Dariaís banging begins. Daria is banging on a pot with a spoon. Janeís room is a tangled mess of clothing and art supplies. On her easel is a half finished portrait of John Belushi.

DARIA (quickly and mechanically) Reveille. Reveille. Reveille. All hands heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lited. The uniform of the day is whatever doesnít smell. Reveille. Reveille. Now reveille.


Jane is very groggy still but sitting up right with her eyes shut. She mumbles some gibberish in Spanish.


JANE I hope thatís not the wok.


DARIA Trent says good morning.


JANE Whatís he doing up?


DARIA Bribing me to annoy you.


JANE What are you doing here?


DARIA Annoying you.


JANE Besides the obvious?


DARIA Like I said the other night we have work to do.


JANE Ah-ha. You said we where working today, I didnít.


DARIA It was implied since you got me into this.


JANE Your parents punished you not me.


DARIA You coerced me into the candy sales.


JANE You killed my lone wolf image.


DARIA You need a passing grade on your math test.


JANE Damn.




Downstairs Lane residence. Trent is standing by the stairs as the girls come down. Jane stops and give him a cold look. Janeís look is as usual except her black T-shirt reads COLLEGE in white lettering.


NOTE: We can see the black stem of a pair of sunglasses hanging out the pocket of her red over shirt.


JANE (to Trent) Never be alone.


He smirks.


DARIA (sniffs) I donít think that shirt was from the fresh pile.


JANE Who are you my mother?


DARIA How would your mother know what you wore this week?


JANE Iíd renounce our friendship if those words werenít so true. Thatís why I like you.


They exit the house. The Tank is gone. Jane sees the wrecked art thing on the lawn and they stop.


Baz Luhrmanís Wear Sunscreen is on the Lexusí radio. Jake is speaking along with it as he picks his ears.


JANE Oh Iím preparing a Roman dinner tonight for Trent and the boys.


DARIA Wouldnít cyanide be easier?

JANE Too pricey.

DARIA Not asking.


JANE Youíre a smart one, you know that? (Shifts her focus to Jake) Thatís your Dad?


DARIA Mom went butch.


JANE (malicious grin) Rogue Two standing by.


DARIA Attack Pattern Delta.


Jane takes lead before Daria and hops in the front seat of the car.


JANE Shotgun!


Daria gets in the back.


DARIA Cobain.


JAKE (laughs) Hey girls.


JANE Mr. Morgendorffer I presume.


Jake offers her a handshake.


JAKE Jake Morgendorffer!


JANE Jane Lane.


These last three lines are voiced over as we watch them drive off.


JAKE Whatís a Cobain?


JANE Seat behind shotgun.


JAKE Eeeeewwww.




ďWeird AlĒ Yankovicís Genius in France plays us in.


Morgendorffer Consulting. Itís in a nice, new business center of slick glass and stucco construction with a large, lit road side sign reading ďAbby Terkhule Business CenterĒ.

A pair of lawn chairs are in front of Jake Morgendorffer Consulting, Inc. In between the chairs is a quadruple stack of candy bars. Jane is setting up an easel and Daria is sitting in one of the chairs reading the newspaper.


JANE So nice of your dad to let me borrow this.


DARIA Making a motivational poster?


JANE If by Ďmotivationalí you mean Ďmoney makingí then yes.


Jane takes a Sharpie and starts using it on the easel.

DARIA Youíre psychotic and Iím bland, by noon weíll sell 3 bars. All of them to old people whoíll mistake me for their six year old grand daughter.


JANE (smirks) Let me worry about that Rogue One.


DARIA (groans) We should have watched Joeís Apartment instead of Empire last night.


JANE (singing) Welcome to Joeís Apartment- Apartment- Apartment! His place is my place too!

DARIA Please donít waste your angelic singing voice on my uncaring ears.


Jane moves to retort but pauses and thinks before speaking.

JANE DariaÖ Youíve inspired me.


Jane works quickly as she and Daria trade words then she turns her easel towards us; Daria has her back to it and therefore canít see it.


DARIA Is it just me or are you more annoying than usual this morning?


JANE You awoke the sleeping giant Daria, now whose fault is that?


On the easel Jane has drawn an arrow pointing to Daria and these words:



Choir girl lost her formerly angelic singing voice to a burst of SKS fire.

Please help her rebuild her dream of a student coffee house.
We accept payment in USD, Euro, Imperial credits, yen, Ringot Malaysian and MWR bucks. No Canadian ďmoneyĒ please. We are willing to barter.

Sorry, no lay aways.


Jane beams at her work. Soon a middle-aged mother walks by; she stops and reads the sign.


MOTHER You poor dear! Iíll take two!


Daria gets her two candy bars; Jane moves the easel around so she canít read it.


DARIA Thank you maíam.


The mother leaves and Daria continues to read.


JANE You sell yourself short too often.


DARIA I saw your sign.


JANE If Iím going to be out here for a few hours I want something to show for it.Though the sign isnít original, my sister Penny did it to me back when we where little. Except she had mom paint a cool fake scar on me.


DARIA You mean you donít have a real one in the right place?


JANE The real one wasnít believable enough. (chuckles) Scared the hell out of Wind. (imitates Wind) Sure Iíll take- Oh God! Janie! Janie! Speak to me! Call an ambulance!


DARIA And like all good stories this one ended with ĎOfficer, itís all a big misunderstanding.í


JANE Finally, someone who gets it!


DARIA I find it hard to imagine your parents being in the same place at the same time long enough to produce four children.


JANE My parents paths cross from time to time in their travels.


DARIA How often did they recognize each other?


Madeleine, a female massage therapist walks by, stops and backpedals.


MADELEINE Candy and for a good cause!


Daria shoots Jane a look.


JANE Yeah, itís for school but my little friend here adds some extra pep to the situation.


MADELEINE Well, Iím out of cash or Iíd buy something now, tell you what, I have a customer coming by in 15 minutes, half an hour or so later Iíll be done with him and Iíll buy some off of you then. How does that sound?


JANE Great. What is it that you do now?


MADELEINE Iím a licensed massage therapist.


JANE Then I have a better idea.


Jane grabs a handful of candy bars from the box and hands them to the lady.


JANE Is this about fifteen minutes worth?




JANE Iíll be back in fifteen Daria.


Daria ignores Jane as she leaves with the therapist. Soon Andrea the Goth walks by holding up a sign for the Lawndale Flea Market. Sheís wearing a ball cap to hide her face. She and Daria trade glances. She calmly walks up to Daria and hands her a dollar. Daria goes for the candy box.


ANDREA Itís not for that.


DARIA You where never here.

Andrea drops Daria the buck and leaves the area. Daria puts the money in the change box.


TED (off screen; in Russian)


Daria looks up to see Ted Dewitt-Clinton.


DARIA No hablo.


TED (rapid Spanish)


DARIA Not that either.


TED Oh, you speak our tongue! Thatíll make this transaction easier! I havenít practiced my Russian since last spring and I was a little worried if I was using a dialect youíd understand, you see I donít know Albanian but I used to known the Ukrainian-


DARIA I donít mean to be rude but the candy bars are a dollar a piece.


TED Okay, Iíll take five.


He pulls out a ticket to the renaissance faire and hands it to her.


DARIA Iím not wearing bells or tights so why would I take this?


TED The ticket is worth five dollars!


DARIA Yes- but youíre not taking deprecation into account.


TED Oh. True. Well at the current rate-


DARIA New policy- hard currency only.


TED Okay then.


He offers her a Euro.


TED Iíll take one, and Iíll need twenty cents back. Donít worry, thatís correct, I checked this morning.


SAM (off screen) Sorry turdwad, sheís all sold out to you.


We whip over from Daria and Ted to see a quartet of Oakwood High linebackers clad in red and white varsity jerseys.They are headed by Sam Stack, their quarterback. He speaks with a slight Southern drawl. Behind them, pulled into the fire lane, is their gold 1996 Chevy Caprice.


DARIA In your case maybe.


SAM Some kind of wiseass are ya? Say something funny for the boys, maybe weíll take some of that crap youíre hocking.


DARIA I would butÖ I used up my good sarcasm the other day on someone undeserving. Iím fresh out.


SAM Fresh out or out of fresh?


DARIA Do you want to buy something or does this young man need to tell you how trade works?


TED Could I?!


SAM Weíll take your candy but we ainít buyiní.


JOE (to Ted) Beat it punk before I beat you.


One of the players makes a move for Dariaís candy box and money box. The other two and Sam are hassling Ted.


DARIA What do you think youíre doing?


JOCK What ya think Iím doing? Ignoring your cookies for the good stuff!


He takes the candy bars and money box while holding Daria at bay. Screams are heard in the background, they are very girly. We see Ted twisting Samís arm.


TED Away with you rapscallion!


BUNKY We hate rap!


JOE Kick his ass!


The other two football players grab Ted and smack him around.


TED Avenge me!


Local Hís Fritzís Corner kicks in and plays through, more or less syncing with the scene.


As Jock moves away from Daria he grabs the glasses off her face and flings them at a far off tree near the sidewalk. The footballers laugh and make off with the goods, though they spill most of the chocolate on the ground. They toss Ted in the trunk of their car and lay rubber.


Daria, now virtually blind, stands immobilized for a long moment. Through her eyes we see the world as a blur. She closes her eyes and pinches herself on the hand. She opens her eyes again.


DARIA Kyort. (Russian for Ďdamní.)


She turns, with her arms out in front a bit to go inside Morgendorffer consulting. She bangs into the door and yelps. Her hitting the door makes the little bell mounted above it jingle. Unseen to us Jake bolts from his position in the background and throws open the door to the lobby.

JAKE (off screen) Do you need to be- oh, hey Daria. Sold out already?



Fritzís Corner dies out when Jane enters.


The front room: very empty, thereís a second hand blue wool couch and chairs spread out around the room. Near the couch sits a coffee table with old copies of American Bride, YM and GQ. Also in the room are a badly maimed plastic tree and a bare coat rack. Along the back wall is a door with a frosted glass window and the words ďJake Morgendorffer, FounderĒ painted on it.


Daria sits on the couch with her head bowed. The gathered up candy bars are in a plastic Food Lion bag on the table. Jane walks in looking very relaxed.


JAKE (calling from his office) Do you need to be consulted?


JANE (yelling) Iím good. (normal to Daria) Well that was going well until her jackass appointment barged in at a very convenient time. (notices the bag) Youíve got to tell me your sales secret.


DARIA Some football players stole a dozen bars and a geek.


JANE And a geek?


DARIA Between you and them it feels like Iím paying for all of this out of my own pockets.


JANE At least we donít have to pay Li back for the geek.


Daria gives Jane a glare.


JANE Theyíll probably just ride around the old quarry with him in the trunk then dump him at the nearest Maxi-Mart.

DARIA That happens more often than youíd think.


Jane takes a seat beside Daria.


JANE Okay, details.


DARIA A couple of jocks in red and white varsity jackets beat up on this blonde kid who was trying to barter with me and pay in Euros, thank you, and then ran off with a bunch of candy.


JANE Four jocks in red and white jerseys gave you a hard time?


DARIA I didnít specify numbers but yes.


Jane smiles and gets up.




Jake is behind his desk on the phone as Jane walks in. He motions for her to be quiet before she can speak.


JAKE Yeah, yeah. (laughs) Thatís great, Terry! Wonderful and I couldnít agree more.


As Jake goes for a long moment without speaking Jane comes up to the desk and puts her hands on her hips.


JAKE Yeah, well it was my idea.


Jake prattles on before Jane gets tired of humoring him. Itís obvious no one is on the phone with him.


JANE I need to be consulted.


Jake slams the phone down and gives Jane his full attention.


JAKE On what? Iíll give you the student discount but I donít necessarily come cheap. Just a heads up, though I am very glad for the business.


Jane over-exaggeratedly leans over the desk.


JANE Itís a little matter.


She picks up the phone and points to it.

JANE Should I ask to borrow this phone or your cell?


We cut to Daria in the front room. She is reading The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, the Unbeliever. Jane leaves Jakeís office.


JANE Letís roll.


DARIA What was that all about?


JANE In due time amiga, but firstÖ letís take a break.


As she speaks Daria gets up and tucks the book back into her jacket.


DARIA Well we could kill time at the flea market the school Goth paid me not to mention her advertising.


JANE I forgot all about the flea market, weíll have to thank her for that later.


DARIA I was joking.


JANE (smirks) Iím not.


DARIA Your mood just got more insufferable.


JANE Insufferabler. Youíll thank me later, I assure you.


Jane opens the front door for Daria.




The Goo Goo Dollís Slave Girl plays us in.


The Flea Market: A makeshift tent city in the parking lot of the city park. Itís completely packed; there are a few vendors in the mix selling food. We do a few establishing shots of various tents hocking every kind of mindless crap imaginable from old record collections to pogs.


As we begin Daria and Jane are standing next to the Filipino-American (Fil-Am) Association booth and are passing between them a chicken shish kabob as the scene unfolds.


DARIA How could I have afforded to miss a minute of this?

JANE How could we? The Chia Pets are blooming and the dregs of society are congregating and swapping crap!


DARIA You must feel right at home.

JANE I donít mind being trailer park royalty.

DARIA Keep telling yourself that after kid number six.


JANE Iíll be a senior by time that one hits. Hey, you lived in Texas-

DARIA Contrary to ignorant east coast beliefs not everyone in Texas lives in trailer.


JANE It was worth asking. SoÖ.


DARIA (sighs) Take a left, past the stop light and turn off the paved road. Fireside Trailer Park was the closest.


JANE Was that so hard?


Daria doesnít respond.


JANE Well I had to get even somehow.


DARIA Are we?

JANE Your coarse comments are a dime a dozen, so while gems theyíre pretty worthless. Mine on the other hand are pretty rare therefore worth more.


DARIA Like when I smile vice you?


JANE Yeah. So weíre pretty even. More or less.


They come to a tent of VHS and Beta tapes and stop. Daria politely motions Jane in first.


DARIA I insist.


They go to work looking through the various cardboard boxes of tapes. Jane is going through one marked ďArtĒ when her eyes light up. We canít see what she has when she holds up the top of a red video box to her nose and inhales. (think wine connoisseur)


JANE Vintage. Very Soviet. No waitÖ East German bootleg. Circa nineteen-seventy- no, it lacks the musk.

She whips the tape out of the box and stares at it. Daria is looking elsewhere until noted.


JANE Daria.




JANE Iím thinking of having a foreign film festival tonight, you game?




JANE Iím bringing a 1981 bootleg of a 1930ís classic.


DARIA Jane, the ďMexicanĒ version of Dracula was made in Hollywood, simultaneously with the English version on the same stages except at night.


JANE Oh yee of little faith. Iím talking about an epic tale of class struggle as symbolized through food. Andrew Sakarinskiís Last Meal. What do you have?

Daria turns to face Jane but we canít see her selection.

DARIA A Shakespearean tale of vengeance and retribution that, for better or worse, restarted an entire genre.

Daria holds up a copy of Mad Max.


JANE And people think youíre the classy one.


As this is said Last Meal falls out of its box and hits the ground with a crack. The girls look around; Jane rams the tape in its box and shoves it in the bottom of Art box.


DARIA What people are you referring to?


JANE You know, ďthoseĒ people.

DARIA Define ďthoseĒ.


JANE Those, Them, They. The Others.


DARIA The oneís weíre not like.


JANE Yeah.

DARIA That doesnít really narrow anything down.


JANE True, but still, I hear people talk, sometimes about us and what we do when our audience is gone.

DARIA We set up for a fifth season.


JANE What else is there for the in crowd to talk about?


DARIA Do we really want to go there?


JANE Exactly, weíre interesting. Even they know their lives and interests suck.


As they talk Jane whips out a pair of Ray-Ban Wayfarer sunglasses (Blues Brothers, Risky Business) from her shirt pocket and puts them on.

DARIA Iíll give you that and you are the most interesting person in town; besides the guy with a hook for a hand.


JANE And thatís why I hear Ďem mostly talk about you.

DARIA Where the Hell are you when you hear this stuff?

JANE Around in non-descript places.

DARIA Youíve been hanging around the second floor girlís bathroom havenít you?


JANE How the hell else am I suppose to know when theyíre plotting?! Besides, itís even dumber, therefore funnier sometimes than it is in a place like this.


DARIA That explains your recent drop in IQ.


JANE Like when those boys came to visit-

DARIA Weíre even now remember?


JANE Belay my last. Anyway, you get more air time than me. They know what kind of freak I am.


Daria looks at Jane inquisitively.


JANE Super. Youíre quiet and boring.

DARIA So they brighten up their ho-hum lives with a little illusion about what Iím really like.


JANE That cousin of yours wasnít very helpful in that department. Speaking of which, can I see the hickeys Butt-Head left?


DARIA Of course you can Jane. Theyíre on the toe of my right boot. Want to get in for a close inspection?




We fade into a later time. The Rolling Stoneís Gimme Shelter plays on a radio.


The girls are at a record tent. Daria is holding up a copy of Boston and is talking to Rock Ní Roll Randy.

RANDY So you wanna buy this?

DARIA Actually I wanted to ask a few questions first.


RANDY Shoot. I was never huge into Ďem but Boston had a sound man. I mean a real sound.

DARIA I bet they did but what I want to know is about this recordís potential shrapnel hazard.



Jane steps into the scene with a stack of records in her hands.

JANE Weíre going skeet shooting later and these are much cheaper than clay pigeons.


Gimme Shelter changes to the Rolling Stonesí Sympathy for the Devil.


We watch the girls get chased from the tent by Randy with a Yamaha knock-off Strat. They quickly revert to a fast walk from a sprint.


JANE And he calls himself a rocker! (yells at Randy) Yamaha sucks!


DARIA Iím never letting you talk me into that again.

JANE That was your idea.


DARIA I only suggested that to get away from those stoners you started talking to.

JANE Its crap like that that fuel the rumors.


DARIA To Hell with rumors and other people. I just got chased out of a tent by a fat man with a guitar.

JANE It was an imitation guitar.


DARIA And to think he could have done it with body odor alone.


JANE You got to admit though, those stoners knew their ĎWeird Alí. I was impressed.


Daria takes a coin from her pocket and flips it to Jane.


DARIA Jane, shiny object.


JANE You know, Iíve been trying to get you to relax all morning and Iím sensing kind of an undercurrent of tension here.


DARIA Look Jane, I apologize if Iíve been terse with you. More terse than usual but itís this damn candy drive. If I donít meet the quota my parents are going toÖ do it.


JANE Thatís twisted.


DARIA Theyíre going to make me join the Young Optimists and attend their summer camp.


Jane puts a hand on Dariaís shoulder but quickly pulls it off.


JANE Iím really sorry Daria. I am.


DARIA You say that but you donít think it.


JANE You donít want to know what I think.


DARIA Janie saysÖ relax.


Jane flips the coin back to Daria, who is unable to catch it and wonít bend down to pick it up. Jane then leads Daria into another tent that is full of 70ís nostalgia.


JANE Know what Iím thinking now?

DARIA I have a bad feeling about this.


Jane rummages through a knick knack box. She finds a button and puts it on Daria who struggles.


DARIA Hey, what do you think youíre doing?!

JANE Donít struggle, I might-




JANE There!


We see Jane has affixed a yellow smiley face button to Dariaís lapel.


JANE Isnít it ironic, donít you think?


DARIA Now itís your turn to read my mind.


Jane takes the button off and sticks it back in the bin. The owner (CAMEO: ALVARO GONALEZ) comes into view a few tables back from the girls.


GROOVY MAN Hey, you canít put that back! It has blood on it!


JANE (to Daria) Sorry, Iíll get you back later.


DARIA No, next itís my turn.

Daria leaves the foreground to deal with the owner then she looks at stuff near him until further notice. Marcy Playgroundís The Devil Song plays up as Jane looks at a John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever painted on black velvet. She takes off the sunglasses at this point.


JANE Disco fever.

TOM (off screen) It was an epidemic, wasnít it?


Jane turns to see a young man with his hands jammed in the pockets of his cargo pants beside her. She turns her attention back to the picture as she talks.


JANE I was just thinking this was a waste of black velvet.


TOM I wasnít aware there was a good use for black velvet.


JANE Oh yeah, I mean this- you could fit a quadruple helping of young Elvis or a single old on it.


TOM (sings) Since my baby left me.


He shakes to it.


JANE I wonder why.


TOM What would you prefer?


JANE Something a little more last decade. Or this one. Whatever.

TOM (clears his throat) Take my love and take my land, take me where I cannot stand.


JANE (laughing) Yadda, yadda, yadda. Canít take the sky from me. You can stop now.


TOM For a quarter I can hum Nirvana.

JANE For two you can stop all together.


TOM Iíll give.


Jane goes back to staring at stuff on the wall; she sidesteps while staring at the painting.


JANE The eyes always seem to be just to the left of me.

TOM Wonder where it would stare if you held up a hair product.


JANE Itíd probably reach out and fight me for it. Optically speaking.


Tom waits for to speak again but when she doesnít he makes his move.


TOM Can we trade names now?


JANE Eh. Jane de la Lane. You?

TOM No. Iím Thomas Sloane, esquire.


JANE Knight in training?


TOM Thatís a squire.


JANE Oh, the cheap Fenders.


TOM I was going to say like the magazine but Iíll buy that. Judging from our little exchange Iím guessing youíre not here for any serious purchases.


JANE Guilty, you?


TOM As much as I love Travolta on black velvet not really. Wanted to see what kind of freaks where here.


JANE What am I?


TOM Youíre their queen.


JANE Guilty again.


Daria comes back into the scene with a pair of web belts in her hands.

DARIA I just got us a good discount on some used ammo belts. My parents-


TOM Hello.

DARIA Do you mind, this is a private conversation.


TOM I was about to say the same thing.


JANE Daria, this Tom. Heís here for the same reasons we are.


DARIA The cheese fries? (to Tom) Theyíre three tents the other way. (to Jane) Mom will give me $25 not to wear-


TOM Youíre some kind of crass.


DARIA Nothing personal Tom, but I make it a point not to interact with the kind of people you meet in a flea market. Lot of freaks in places like this.


TOM I was just saying the same thing to Jane. (to Jane) A pleasure meeting you.


He pulls a business card from his pocket and hands it to Jane then exits. Daria plays innocent.


JANE Anyone ever told you that you have a certain way with people?




Kula Shakerís Hush plays us in.


LHSís football field has high concrete bleachers to one side with an announcerís booth dead center atop it. The other side is open to the parking lot and highway. At present Lawndale is playing Oakwood.

We start with the OHS quarterback, Sam Stack, getting slammed into by Kevin Thompson and Mack McKenzie. We cut to Kevin doing a victory dance, Mack looks pleased as he and Kevin high five.


KEVIN Yo Mack Daddy!


Mackís countenance turns sour. We see the cheerleaders doing their thing. We cut to Daria and Jane sitting calmly in the bleachers as everyone around them goes wild. Jane is eating a candy bar. The song fades out here.


JANE You know this would be a lot more interesting if their pads where filled with fake blood packets.


DARIA What wouldnít be?


JANE Wacky morning DJís.

DARIA What if the blood wasnít squibs?


JANE I take it back then. Upchuck.


DARIA How wouldnít he be more interesting?


JANE I wouldnít find him any more interesting but Iíll be damned if the sight of him erupting with squibs wouldnít be amusing as all hell. Of course if it wasnít squibsÖ


DARIA I believe thatís why God invented the flight of stairs.


JANE I was talking CGI effects Ms. Psycho, but I like the way you think. Of course there are a few more quick, though not as amusing means to that end.


DARIA We donít want him dead, just bleeding a lot.


JANE Hey, he screwed with my house money, the stuff that keeps Trent and I off the streets.


DARIA Except when you canít find your keys.

JANE Thatís why I gave you a setÖ and thereís a crowbar behind the trash can. The neighbor understands.


DARIA Your neighbor is stoned.


JANE Same difference.


We cut to Sam Stack getting plowed again and taken off the field on a stretcher.


UPCHUCK (on the PA) Oakwoodís Sam Stack felt the Lionís claws that time. Lawndale may be known for its roar but we do not lack in bite.


The ref blows his whistle.


UPCHUCK (on the PA) Thatís the end of the first half!In a few minutes I personally will be bringing you the half time show.


In the meantime we see the cheerleaders take to the field and the marching band starts up with Booker T. & The MGís Philly Dog.


JANE Adios Senior Stack.


DARIA For an unpopular person you make friends easy.


JANE Cult of personality baby. Besides, helping us out was the least the therapist could do after Sam barged in on my session.


DARIA The way heís moving now I doubt heíll be able to barge in on anyone for a week.


JANE To ten days, unless he comes back to her sooner. Then we can count on two weeks. I think thereís a lesson to be learned from all this.


DARIA Screw with us and weíll sic a massage therapist who dabbles in reflexology on you?


JANE I think thatís the one. Big win all around Iíd say.


DARIA On the one hand we just helped our home team win but on the other we managed to indirectly hurt somebody who deserved it.


JANE Yeah. (pause) Which one was the positive again?


DARIA The second one.


JANE Just making sure.


DARIA Then again, itís a Saturday afternoon and weíre at a football game.


JANE Weíve seen enough of our handiwork in action. Letís hit the arcade.


DARIA What about the candy bars?


JANE Donít worry, theyíll still be unsold when weíre done.


She takes a bite from her bar. Daria looks at it, then Jane. Jane plays innocent and casually tosses the candy bar over a shoulder. Upchuck dressed as a magician, is leaving the announcerís booth and as he walks out he sees what Jane did. He picks up the bar and runs it under his nose.




He tosses it over his shoulder; it bounces off the booth and lands where he is about to step. Insert painful noises and screams halfway down the hard concrete bleachers here. Daria and Jane watch in horror.


We hear a jumble of voices all over lapping saying:

Call an ambulance!

Get help!

Itís just Upchuck!

Finally, some pigís blood!

Heís dead!


Jane mouths the word Ďsquibí.




The Foo Fighterís Generator plays us in.


We open on a wreathed portrait of Charles Ruttheimer III, which is itself surrounded by flowers and discarded red flyers. The memorial is posted outside of the auditorium whose open doors are hemorrhaging students that are either bereaved or, if they knew Chuck, completely apathetic. We watch Kevin, Brittany, Mack and Jodie as they leave. Brittanyís mascara is running from her tears, Kevin is miserable and Jodie and Mack are quiet.


BRITTANY Why couldnít I like him more?!


KEVIN Oh man, I kicked his ass for spying on you! I mean if heíd just shared the pictures it would have been cool but-


Brittany smacks him and veers off out of the group.


KEVIN Oh man!


MACK Kevin, calm down. Itís okay.


KEVIN No itís not okay! Like maybe I didnítÖ somethingÖ so he couldnít get up thereÖ


MACK Please donít say you didnít kick his ass hard enough.


KEVIN Oh man! Now Iím a wussy weakling too!


Kevin cries harder and louder. Mack becomes uncomfortable.


MACK Hey Kevin, Brittany just ran off, maybe you should try and console her.


JODIE Apologize for being you.


KEVIN But Iím no good at thatÖthatÖemotional chick stuff. Could you talk to her Jodie?


Jodie looks at Mack with a Ďyeah rightí gaze. Mack makes a few hand gestures, like as in a football play. Jodie grins and quickly moves off.


KEVIN Man, now your chick left too! (puts his hand on Mackís shoulder) Weíre like a bunch of losers now!


MACK (to himself) Well that back fired.(removes Kevinís arm) You- We are not losers; we won the game didnít we?


KEVIN But we lost the war!


MACK Okay, weíre done now.


Mack leaves the scene.


KEVIN Et tu Mack Daddy?


MACK (off screen) Stop calling me that!!!


We move from Kevin to further down the stream of students to Daria and Jane. Daria looks no different but Jane has a markedly more sullen appearance.


DARIA Itís too bad we never got to meet the Charles Ruttheimer Ms. Li was talking about. It would have been an improvement over the one we knew.


JANE (quiet) Yeah.


Dariaís next comment has a slight reaction to Janeís demeanor.


DARIA Öbut then again he really didnít have a bar set.


JANE Yeah.


DARIA Are you okay?


JANE I hold the power supreme, how could I not be?


DARIA Jane we had nothing to do with what happened. We saw him toss the bar down-


JANE It was my bar.

DARIA From my bag, so now weíre evenly to blame. Jane-


Jane walks away from Daria with a quickened step. Daria starts after her and struggles to keep up.



JANE Iím going running.


Daria stays silent.

JANE What, you donít wanna tag along?


DARIA I couldnít keep up with you if I was driving.


JANE Something else Iíll have to teach you someday. Later.


Daria watches Jane take off. Andrea comes up to Daria and taps her on the shoulder.


ANDREA Hey, youíre Daria, right?


DARIA Who wants to know?


Andrea hands Daria a five and a piece of notebook paper.


DARIA You donít have to keep paying me.


ANDREA I figured I owe you some of this for Upchuck. Teabagís little sister said you and your friend did him in so I owe you this much.


DARIA (indignant) I didnít do him in! That moron slipped on a piece of chocolate he tossed to the ground.


ANDREA You and your friend tossed it first.


DARIA And Ms. Li gave it to me.


ANDREA But Li didnít wish him dead before he died.


Daria shoves Andreaís money and paper back in her hands.


DARIA I donít want your money or-


ANDREA Itís the rest of my dead pool list.




Daria leaves the scene now.


ANDREA (calls after Daria) Think about it Voodoo!


We pan over a bit back into the stream of students and briefly pause on the 3 Jís.


JEFFY Bummer!

JOEY Like big time!




JOEY Iím gonna go get tanked.


JAMIE Me too!


JEFFY Iíll bring Madden!


JOEY Um, in like the dead guys honor.




We pan further over to see the Fashion Club moving in their usual formation. Stacy is bawling uncontrollably but the others look to be in control of themselves.


QUINN That was so sad!

SANDI No one should die like that.


QUINN No one should die looking like that!


SANDI Thatís what I meant.


TIFFANY Capes are so ewwwÖ.


SANDI At least it was red.


QUINN And the top hat kept his brain in, or so I heard from Brian who over heard Teabag telling Angie about it cuzí his cousin works at Marcil & Johnson Memorial.


SANDI We should do something. I know it.


QUINN Well we could try get something named after him, like the announcerís booth.


STACY (sniffling) But Upchuck would be an icky name for anything!


TIFFANY Oh yeah.


QUINN That wasnít really his nameÖ I think.


SANDY The menís room would be appropriate.


Sandy looks surprised at her words and covers her mouth.

SANDY Ohmigod I so didnít mean that!


Quinn pats Sandi on the shoulder.


QUINN Maybe we could take up a collection and get something built in his honor.


TIFFANY Padded stairs.


SANDI Tiffany dear, thatís not feasible since the padding would get stuck in my heels.




QUINN We could do something in the spirit of Up- him. LikeÖumÖ


SANDI We could give makeovers and fashion advice to the people like him.


QUINN Oh that is so smart Sandi!


SANDI I mean, his outfit was so hideous they had to close the casket!


We zoom back over to Daria who is approaching the science lab. Mr. OíNeill is quickly running towards her as best he can through the mass of students clogging the hall.


ONEILL Dorian! Dorian!


Daria keeps walking.


ONEILL I mean Dora!


DARIA (sighs) Close enough.


She stops and turns on her heel to face him.


DARIA Its Daria, Mr. OíNeill.


ONEILL Right, Iím sorry. Iíve been doing a little memory booster to help me remember studentís names. First I tried ďDorian GrayĒ for you but you wear black, similar but too complicated so I though ďDora the ExplorerĒ since youíre so inquisitive at least thatís how I assume you got so-

DARIA Iím sorry sir but Iím pressed for time. I have a club meeting to attend to.


ONEILL Right, anyway I know youíre already doing candy sales for the student coffee house but I was wondering if youíd be willing to do something else for us as well, a bit more in your milieu.


DARIA Not giving a damn?


ONEILL I was thinking maybe you could read one of your essays at the reopening!


DARIA Yeah well Iíd like to but my whirlwind social schedule is all full up. I donít know how Iíd fit it in after all the clubs, associations, charities, walk-a-thons, science projects, swimming lessons, photography and candy sales.


ONEILL Oh I am so sorry Daria! I wonít bother you again!


OíNeill leaves the scene.


DARIA Iíll take the Vegas odds on that.


Southern Culture on the Skidís Skullbucket plays us into the next scene.




The students are all at their science centers, some still showing a few signs of bereavement. Daria glances at the empty seat beside her. Other notables in this class are Kevin, Brittany and Mack. Brittany is looking better. Ms. Barch has taken her position at the head of the class.


BARCH All right quit your whining; so another man is dead big deal. Even if your whining could bring him back heíd just die again, itís what his violent, depraved, war mongering sex is good for. Now letís start class.


*Barchís class is based on The Lab Brat so her lecture will be omitted; with no student interaction itís drier than Ben Stein on Clear Eyes. Even Daria isnít paying attention.


Passage of time: From Dariaís POV- a few drowsy blinks as Barch talks. Soon she canít stay awake and Barch becomes indistinguishable sound. Go to black. Daria nods off holding her head up with a hand. Kevin, at the next set of desks over is sleeping as well. Ms. Barch walks past Daria and slams a ruler down in front of Kevinís face. He jumps awake.




As she talks Barch continues to walk through the class. Daria is still half asleep, rubbing it out of her eyes. After that she begins to clean her glasses off with a piece of cheese cloth, periodically stopping to look through them.


BARCH So this brings us to our next class project. You students will pair up and be issued a mouse. You will build mazes and condition a mouse to complete it based on positive or negative reinforcement. For those of you who slept through todayís class I understand.


(bitter tone)

Men have short attention spans unless the Broncos are playing, in which case they can pay attention to every punt and touchdown for 22 years straight, ignoring all other stimuli such as his undeserved wifeís affection and attention. Her working to keep his fat ass firmly planted on that couch until the day he decides why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free? For all of you miserable, lying, cheating, testosterone pumped chimps I have no remorse. This class will put you in your place even if society doesnít!


(kinder tone, gets harder)

But I will reiterate since having an uneven mix of people randomly thrown into a room means I have to pander to the knuckle draggers otherwise the school board jumps on my ass failing too many students. Itís not my fault theyíre all men. I call it natural selection at work! Not thatÖ


Daria begins to fade out again before blinking back awake. From the edge of her vision we see Kevin jump up with his hand in the air. Daria comes to quickly after he talks.


KEVIN I want Daria!


Student snickering. Kevin sits down.


KEVIN Not like that. For science.


More laughing. Some of it is directed at Daria.




Southern Culture on the Skidís House of Bamboo plays us into this scene. We begin with an exterior, daylight, shot of 111 Glen Oak Lane.


House of Bamboo dies out. The garage is a two car garage. Boxes and clutter ring the edges and in the middle of the room is a fold out table with wood and supplies for building a maze. The mouse is in a small cage on the table. On the floor beside the table is her book bag and bag of candy bars.

Daria is standing by the table double checking her hand drawn plan. She glances at the clock on the wall.


*In her next blurb Daria talks to herself and responds, the voice doesnít change. She also paces around the table and makes very minor hand gestures to go along with her speaking when her hands arenít behind her back or in her pockets.

DARIA At least Kevin is late. Of course giving him the wrong address probably didnít help much either. Kevin being Kevin he probably has no idea heís late for something. The big question is why did he want me to be his lab partner?


It could be that Iím being accepted by my peer group- Oh God, something must be wrong with me. Iím losing my edge.


No wait, settle down Daria. Maybe he lost some kind of bet, like something out of a bad movie.


Thatís likely, but whatís more likely is that he needs a passing grade to stay on the team so he elected to work with me before I fully regained consciousness so I couldnít oppose him.


But Kevinís not devious; he lacks the capacity for it.


Good point.


I know thatís why I made it. But still, what if the first one is true?


Then I have a problem.


Besides talking to yourself?


You just have to state the obvious donít you?


If I didnít this wouldnít be a very good self evaluation then would it?


Okay, you win. (end monologue)


QUINN (perky) Hi Daria!


Surprised Daria turns around to see Quinn and the whole Fashion Club in the door way leading to the house. They all have big smiles on.


SANDI We understand you have a problem.


DARIA Yes. Yes I do. Iím looking at them now.


QUINN Weíre going to give you a make over!


STACY Fresh new attitude! Fresh new life!


TIFFANY In the spirit of the dead guy.


They cheerfully take a few steps toward her. Daria whips the glue gun off the table and points it at the Fashion Club. For a moment itís a very western scene.

DARIA I swear Iíll use it.


QUINN Um, cousin Daria, thatís a hot glue gun.


DARIA Ever see what it can do to hair?


The FC cringes in fear and backs off then leaves and shuts the door behind them. Daria lets out a sigh and droops.


DARIA Okay, number one has been confirmed. Iím a ditz.


I guess itís time to hang up my boots and buy aÖ skart, skurt, skort, whatever.


Donít ever let me hear you say that again. (end monologue)


Daria puts the glue gun down and exits the garage into the house.


DARIA Maybe Jane will answer this time.



Powerman 5000ís Tokyo Vigilante #1 plays us in.


Daria walks through the kitchen and gets the phone from the counter. She starts to dial. The music intensifies as she is suddenly grabbed by the Fashion Club. As they struggle there is a fair bit of yelling, among the words exchanged are:


Get her boots!


Get her hands!


Get her glasses!


Hand me the volumizer!

DARIA Hand me the hair spray!


Tiffany obliviously does. Daria points it in Sandiís face, finger over the button when the doorbell rings and all the fighting stops. Everyone slowly gets up, backs off from one another and Quinn goes for the door. Daria underhand tosses Sandi the hairspray.


DARIA Touch me again and I will de-accessorize all of you with my bare hands.


Kevin and the 3 Jís enter the scene from the front door. As Daria and Kevin talk we hear the Jís sucking up to Quinn in the background.


KEVIN Yo Daria! I think you gave me the wrong address.


DARIA My mistake Kevin.


KEVIN I looked all over but I couldnít find 1060 West Addison!

DARIA ÖKevin, I didnít tell you I lived at 1060 West Addison.


KEVIN Oh. Wonder where that came from?




Splendoraís Reanimator plays us in.


We start in on a close up of Kevinís head as he has his face right up the mouse cage. Heís trying to wiggle his finger into the cage to touch it.


KEVIN Here little guy. Come on. Come on.


Daria is trying to put together her maze as planned while Kevin dicks around. He accidentally knocks over the mouse cage; Daria turns toward him to catch it. He smiles foolishly and we see that he has the cage stuck on his index finger.


DARIA Kevin.


KEVIN Sorry, but its okay, see?


The mouse claws its way to the top of the cage and snaps Kevinís finger. He yelps and shakes the cage; she stops him from flailing and yanks the cage off.

DARIA All right, thereís been enough physical comedy tonight for one life time.


KEVIN I said I was sorry, but the little guy bit me!


DARIA I have to ask, why did you want to partner with me for this?


KEVIN It was kind of a favor.


DARIA Is it the kind of favor thatís done when someone loses a bet?


KEVIN Nothing like that, but me and the guys heard about what you and that chick did to Sam Stack from Teabagís little sister-


DARIA Who the hell is Teabagís little sister?


KEVIN She was sitting next to you in the bleachers.


DARIA Thatís it, Iím taking up sign language.


KEVIN So I decided Iíd do you a favor and be your science partner to pay you back for helping the team. I mean, who doesnít want to be seen with the QB? And since itís a science project you can be seen with me but weíre not going anywhere so no one will see us and itís cool.


DARIA If you heard that part from Teabagís little sister then what about the part where Jane and I do in Upchuck?


KEVIN (shrugs) It was just Upchuck. I mean, Charles Ruttheimer the umÖIV. Bummer but not, you know?


DARIA I know. Thanks Kevin for putting this situation back into perspective for me. For a moment I was afraid people were beginning to tolerate me.


KEVIN Why would we do that? Besides, I need a passing grade on this test or the coach will have to bench me!


DARIA Double thanks Kevin.


KEVIN Youíre welcome!


2Getherís The Hardest Part of Breaking Up (Is Getting Back Your Stuff) plays us into the next scene and keeps on playing since itís on the radio.




Quinnís pink room. Ungodly amounts of pink. Everywhere. Beefcake posters on the wall. Cutesy nick-knacks and four girls adorn the room. The girls are sitting on the floor (Quinn, Stacy and Sandi) and bed (Tiffany) hovering over copies of Waif.


STACY Ohmigod- I want that nose!


TIFFANY Itís sooo tiny.


STACY Like a button! What do you think Quinn?


QUINN Itís cute.


SANDI Just cute? Are you saying that Tiffany and Stacy are getting excited over just cute?


As Stacy talks she gets flustered, red and starts to hyper-ventilate.


STACY ButÖweíre already cute? Right Quinn? Iím cute right? I mean at least cute enough?!


QUINN Please Sandi, weíve already been through this- cute is cute. Otherwise I wouldnít call it cute. Stacyís cute.


STACY (calming down) Thanks.


TIFFANY But your runny mascara is so eewwwÖ.


Stacy squeals and runs out of the room. A moment later we hear her cry and shriek.


QUINN (yelling out to Stacy) Bathroomís the first door; cousinís room is the second.


STACY (off screen) Thanks!


TIFFANY Was it something I said?


SANDI Before scaring her off Quinn, I think Stacy may have been on to something. Remember Brooke?


QUINN Yeah, she was at that party a few weeks ago.


SANDI Well she says if she refers us to Dr. Shar weíll get a discount.


TIFFANY (looking at the magazine) If only noses where interchangeableÖ


QUINN That would be so cool, Iíd have a cute one, a super cute one and a really cute one for dates that are worth it!


SANDI You mean you have dates that arenít worth it? Thatís interesting.


QUINN Speaking of which, I have a couple of referrals for you.


SANDI Thatís so interesting, I had some for you too! Duncan.


QUINN Robert.


SANDI Armando.


QUINN Armando made your rej- I mean referral list?


SANDI Whatís that suppose to mean?


QUINN I didnít know Armando ranked high enough for consideration.


Stacy comes back in, reasonable cleaned up around the eyes and sits back down where she was, this breaks the tension of the moment.


STACY Did I miss anything?


SANDI We where just talking. When is Jamie going to be up here with the chips?


QUINN I donít know, I told him square crackers and Jamie said heíd go square some.


SANDI I donít think heís the brightest of the bunch.


QUINN Yeah but he brings me stuff which is better than being a brain or something.


SANDI Like that stuck up sister of yours?


QUINN My- my cousin you mean?

SANDI Yeah, thatís her. I still donít see what Kevin sees in her.


STACY Maybe she has a good heart.




STACY I saw it in Waif!


QUINN If youíre going to quote Waif Stacy then read the full article first.


STACY But it was a two parter! I only had time for one!


SANDI Whatever. The point is Kevin is down stairs with that freak of nature. If he wasnít QB weíd have to call his popularity into question, possibly even drop him a few points.


STACY Maybe heís doing something like our little makeover program.


SANDI (reprimanding) Stacy- (normal) You may have something.

QUINN Actually that is what heís doing. When heís done with her weíre going to do something.


SANDI Like what?


QUINN Things. Things that a boy and girl do.


Stacy and Tiffany giggle.


SANDI Well then, maybe you wouldnít mind if I borrowed the other three for tonight then.


QUINN But theyíre wellÖtheyíre kind of mine.


SANDI Iíll let you take my date with Brad on Tuesday.


QUINN Okay, Iíll let them know theyíre on loan.


Quinn gets up and leaves the room. Sandi gets on her phone.


TIFFANY Who are you calling Sandi?


SANDI Brittany, she might like to know her man has been traded in.


STACY Isnít that kind of-


Sandi stares her down.


STACY Eep! (pause) Can I borrow Jeffy? I mean, when you donít need him?


SANDI All right. Because I can share without needing something in return.


STACY Thanks!


SANDI Weíll talk about the deposit after I make this call.


Sandi takes up the phone, she looks indignant.


SANDI (into phone) Quinnís cousin or whatever, I need to use this line so get off.


She slams the phone down.


SANDI Some people are like so rude and selfish.




Wall of Voodooís Mexican Radio can be heard playing on the radio in the garage throughout the scene.


Daria hangs up the kitchen phone and heads back to the garage. Kevin is at the table licking chocolate off of his fingers. A chocolate bar wrapper has been discard on the table.


KEVIN (finger in mouth) Hey Daria! Iím almost ready for the maze.


DARIA Those are my candy drive bars youíre eating!


KEVIN (fingers in mouth) Just the one, it was all melty from the glue anyway.


Daria sees heís telling the truth. When she set down the glue gun it fell on its side and its drizzling melted glue onto the bag of chocolate. Kevin still has a finger in his mouth.


DARIA Dammit.


KEVIN (finger in mouth) Itís cool. Iíll pay you back. Um, Iím out of cash at the moment. But hey, you get to hang out with the QB!


DARIA Thereís no off position on the fun switch here.


BRITTANY (off screen) Ah-ha! I heard Iíd find you here with thisÖthisÖ


DARIA Would you like to phone a friend?


Brittany storms into the scene.




Daria opens her mouth then decides to say nothing.


KEVIN (finger in mouth) Itís not what-

He tries to pull his hand out but finds itís stuck.


KEVIN (finger in mouth) Help! I canít get my finger out!


DARIA Youíd have thought heíd know what happens when you eat glue by now.


BRITTANY Nice try Kevvy! Youíre stalling.


KEVIN (finger in mouth) Really help! Iím stuck babe!


Brittany goes to smack him and knocks over the table with Dariaís maze on it over. Huge mess on the ground, not that Brittany or Kevin notice. Kevin and Brittany ignore Daria when she speaks.


DARIA I think weíre done for tonight. If you two can take your domestic disturbance elsewhere that would be great.


KEVIN (finger in mouth) Babe look! Why would I go with her over you? Youíve got more body than she has brains. And I donít even like brains!


BRITTANY Are you calling me stupid?


DARIA The door is that way.


KEVIN (finger in mouth) What?


DARIA Thank you, click it or ticket and winners donít do drugs.


BRITTANY Youíre in trouble now mister finger in his mouth!


KEVIN (finger in mouth) Babe please, can you like call the hospital or something.


DARIA All right then. Donít forget to turn off the lights on the way out.

Daria leaves the scene as the lovers continue to quarrel. She passes Quinn in the kitchen.


DARIA Better luck next time Quinn.


KEVIN (off screen) Babe!




Goo Goo Dollís Black Balloon plays us in.


Night time at 1111 Howard Drive. Daria is standing at the front door and knocking. No response but she sees a light is on upstairs. She pulls the keys from her pocket and lets herself in. The hallway is deserted but the light is on. Daria looks around.


The kitchen is empty, a half finished clay thing sits on the table as does its mess. Clay clogs the sink.


The living room looks like no one has inhabited it for years. No lights. Through the window in the backyard we can see the ďNaming GazeboĒ.


The basement also is empty and the lights are off. The radio is spewing static.


Back in the hallway faintly we can hear Stabbing Westwardís Save Yourself coming from a radio. Daria goes up the stairs and follows the light from the room at the end. The closer she gets to the room the louder the music gets.




The music is on full blast. Janeís room is as it was. Jane sits Indian style on her bed with headphones and her sunglasses on. Sheís dressed a bit lightly, regular shorts and a T-shirt.


*There is a digital clock on the headboard- the alarm is set.




Jane sees Dariaís shadow and turns to her.




She pulls off the headphones and sunglasses.


JANE Um, hey Daria. Hey, howís it going?


DARIA Iíve had better days.

Daria sits down on the chair near the bed. Jane turns down the radio by the headboard. Janeís dialogue here is tired and dodgy. She doesnít want to talk to Daria but she doesnít want to tell her to leave either.


DARIA None of them recent. You?


JANE Itís a carnival of fun at La Casa Lane.


DARIA Well your petting zoo is over at my place making things intolerable.


JANE Donít you mean intolerabler?


DARIA I believe thatís the term. I tried calling you earlier.Twice actually.


JANE Iíd of answered but I canít find the phone. Put it somewhere because it kept making noise. Hey, I got an idea.

She feels around her bed and soon pulls out a cell phone. She dials a number into it and we can hear a muffled ringing coming from the closet. The sound is coming from an old suitcase. Jane smirks and puts away the phone.


JANE There it is.


Dead silence for a moment.


DARIA Upchuck still bothering you?


JANE Up- Charles. (pause) Charles. (breathe) Up- NoÖdammit! (pause) Him. Heís still dead. Nothingís changed since the memorial service.


DARIA About earlier, Iím sorry if I wasÖ okay, I have nothing.


JANE And why should you? I hold the power supreme.

DARIA Will you please stop saying that? Look, Iím sorry he died, Iím also sorry if Iím not making this easier on you. I didnít realize-


JANE No, you didnít care. You realize damn near every thing but you donít care. Thereís you and then thereís everyone else with me included.


Daria remains silent as she thinks about how to respond properly.




JANE If weíre going to get into this Iím getting some water first.


Jane leaves for a while. Daria gets impatient, gets up and starts to pace. She sits on the bed and flips on the TV. Eminemís Role Model (ďMy Name IsĒ) plays up subtly.


The Sick, Sad World logo appears on TV.


SW ANNOUNCER Why the hell is this always on? On the next Sick, Sad World!


Daria changes the channels and we see the opening credit crawl for ďThe Tracy Grandstaff ShowĒ which cuts to a yellow cartoon family ďThe EichlersĒ.


The next channel is Wendy Hoopes in an Airport! This turns into a paid advertisement for the Voice Actorís Guild.


Jane comes back up with a glass of water.Daria turns off the TV. Jane sets the two glasses of water on the dresser.

DARIA You had nothing to do with Upchuckís dying. Just because you said it doesnít make it so. I mean, Tommy Shermanís not dead yet is he?


JANE (smirks) True. But Robert Shapiro is.

DARIA That was you?


Jane shrugs and gets up.


JANE Yeah, maybe. Sorry I came down so hard on you. I try not to think about it but every time I donít I do. Maybe I should pick up a hobby, like not your giving a damn. Seems to work for you.


DARIA Iíve accepted what happened has happened. Youíre just running from it.


JANE I know itís justÖ I donít like it when I say die and he does, and yes, I know, I keep telling myself that it doesnít work that way. (very sarcastic) Itís all in my head and Iím not used to being this cerebral.


Daria stands up to reason with Jane.


JANE Settle down Daria that was good sarcasm.




JANE Positive I mean, itís the ďIím getting over it and I really mean it so Iím okay enough to joke and occasionally not stop talkingĒ sarcasm. Now whatís going to happen is Iím going to keep feeling bummed until I nod off and wake up in the morning absolved and ready to be attacked by a fresh new day.


DARIA Good, because wellÖ I do care. Regardless of whether you think I do.


Jane puts her hand on Dariaís shoulder and smiles real big.


JANE Before you completely embarrass yourself thereís one last thing you should know DariaÖ


She leans in closer.


JANE You didnít really think it would be this simple, did you?




Daria is sprawled out on Janeís bed. The alarm is going off and the TV is on in the background. ďThe MAXXĒ is playing. Itís 7 AM.

DARIA Dammit.




Daria is walking down the stairs. Trent is just walking in with a guitar case slung over his shoulder.


TRENT Hey Janie.


DARIA Hey Trent.


Trent pauses.


TRENT Youíre not Janie.


DARIA Thatís a very astute observation, I mean-


Daria is at a loss for words, not wanting to offend Trent.


TRENT Hey itís cool. As a matter of fact I was thinking about you last night.

DARIA Really?


TRENT Yeah. Are you busy later?


DARIA UmÖ yes, well no. Not necessarily.


TRENT Cool. I want you to come to the Zon with us tonight because I think youíre perfect.



The moment is drawn out for a bit as Daria blushes and is at a loss. Trent is more lethargic since its morning.


TRENT Yeah, youíre on the short side and pretty lithe, I bet you could get under the stage easy and help us set up some of the wires. Youíre the perfect size for the job.


DARIA Oh. Um, yeah. Sure.


TRENT Cool, itíll really be helping us out.


DARIA Yeah, whatís a fly girl for?


Trent laugh/coughs.


DARIA Did you happen to see Jane last night?

TRENT Where at?


DARIA Never mind.


TRENT Cool. Hey, wanna hang out?


DARIA I would, umÖreally. Really, but I have school otherwise yes.


TRENT Thatís cool, my Uncle Max is a doctor and I have his stamp in my room. I can write you a doctorís note and you can stay here. Jane does it all the time.


DARIA The secret to her solid C average.


TRENT Yeah, she makes me proud too.


DARIA Thatís a great idea Trent but Iím not sure if my parents would approve.


TRENT Theyíre home?


DARIA More or less.


TRENT Guess that kills that plan.


DARIA Thanks anyway Trent.



Daria keeps on toward the door. Trent speaks again as she gets to it.


TRENT Hey Daria, avoid the third stall on the second floor menís room.


DARIA Iíll try.


She gets another few steps out.


TRENT And the second and fifth stall on the first floor. Donít ask. Just please, avoid them.


DARIA Iíll do my best.




Southern Culture on the Skidís Dance for Me plays us in.


An establishing shot of LHS at mid-day.


LI (voice over) This is unacceptable!


We go into Ms. Liís office where Daria faces off against the principal alone.


DARIA I apologize but itís just not a sellerís market.


LI Slackerís you mean! Ms. Morgendorffer, donít make me call your parents.


DARIA What should I do then to sate you? Iíve already gone door to door and taken a lot of my own personal time to sell what Iíve sold so far.


LI Try some enthusiasm; a little goes a long way.

DARIA I am being enthusiastic.


LI If you believe that is enthusiasm then perhaps I should pencil you in for Mr. OíNeillís self esteem class next week, to help you deal with your problem.


DARIA I donít have low self esteem-


LI I bet you have low esteem for everyone else, donít you?


Daria chooses not to respond verbally but we can tell sheís pissed.


LI I donít care how itís done but you will sell this candy or you will get no credit for the coffee shop endeavor. Understood?


DARIA I get the idea.

LI And Iíll let Mr. OíNeill he may have a new addition to his little after school program.


DARIA Iíll do my part.


LI Of course you will, but your situation will be monitored. Dismissed.



Dari exits Ms. Liís and passes Kevin and Brittany, who are still arguing.


KEVIN But babe! Itís not like that!


BRITTANY Itís all over school youíre dating Daria and Quinn!


KEVIN Cool, twins.


BRITTANY Itís over Kevin!


KEVIN Oh yeah, well if itís over then, whereís the fat lady?


Brittany slaps him across the face. He rubs where she slapped him.


KEVIN Iím not calling you fat!


Andrea comes near the pair and stops.


ANDREA Want me to hum a few bars?


BRITTANY Heís yours!


Brittany walks off in a huff.


ANDREA (looks over Kevin) Five minutes alone will get you off my dead pool list.




Nerf Herderís Van Halen plays us in.


Quinn and Helen are at the kitchen table, Helen is standing, Quinn is sitting. Helenís open purse is on the table.


HELEN (angry) I canít believe youíd steal from my purse!


QUINN Then donít because I wasnít! I was trying to get a mint!


HELEN I know you where trying to take money for that nose job you wanted and you are not getting it, do I make myself clear?!

Daria walks into the kitchen and freezes mid-step as Helen whirls around to face her. Sheís caught in Helenís crosshairs.


HELEN And was this about your not selling candy?! I swear, if this doesnít work you will be going to camp and joining extra-curricular after extra-curricular activity until you get credit for one so help me!!!


DARIA Bad day at the office?


HELEN Daria Anne! You are going out right now and donít come back until youíre out of candy.


QUINN You tell her Mom!


HELEN For attempted theft youíre helping!


The next line is delivered out of sync.

QUINN & DARIA Why are you punishing me like this?


HELEN Girls.


DARIA I get it. You only want one daughter. This way whichever one of us comes back is truly worthy.


HELEN No more complaining from either of you, now get out now!


Quinn skulks out along with Daria and in moments they are out the door. Daria touches Quinnís red hair.


DARIA Nice pelt.


QUINN Oooohhhh!!!!


Helen sits down and exhales deeply. Her grimace turns into a bit of a smile and she laughs a little.


JAKE (off screen) Helen? Girls?


Helen gets up and grabs the stereo remote from the counter. Jefferson Airplaneís White Rabbit starts up on the stereo. She opens the cupboard and pulls out a bottle of wine and two glasses.


HELEN (sultry) In here Jake.




Fun Loviní Criminalís Scooby Snacks plays us in.


We start looking at the inside of a white door with a little heart hung above the peep hole. The door opens and we are looking down at Daria and Quinn. Daria is holding up a box of candy.


DARIA Hi. Weíre from Lawndale High.


FEMALE CUSTOMER VOICE Sorry, I already bought some.


The door is shut in the girlís faces. Until noted the girls are on the sidewalk continuing down the street.


QUINN I canít believe you couldnít sell that lady anything!


DARIA You heard what she said.


QUINN She was lying. Do you know what all those unicorns in her house meant?


DARIA Sheís a Replicant?


QUINN Why do you have to drag politics into this? Anyhoo, anybody with that many unicorns in her living room older than 21 is always in need of more consolation food!


DARIA Should I be worried that would you said made complete sense to me?

QUINN Your problem is that youíre going about this all the wrong way- youíre trying to sell candy, what you should be trying to do is sell you.


DARIA Thatís not a bad idea. Maybe the next house will want you.


QUINN Daria, do you want to do this or not?

DARIA Want or need, it has to be done and weíre not going home until itís done.


QUINN Look, you have to give them what they want and you want them to want you. The candy is like an extension of yourself, the one part they can have!


DARIA Gee, I figured you give out a bit more to your dates.


QUINN Well my dates tend to buy more than $2 of candy from me.


DARIA What would ten dollars buy me? A leg?


QUINN Ha-ha Daria.


DARIA Iím glad you find this amusing.


QUINN Letís try this house.


DARIA I hate to ask but why did we skip the last four?


QUINN Cutesy mailbox, car port, stuff on lawn and gardener in plain sight. Stop playing so dumb Daria.


DARIA Okay, Iíll leave that to the professional.


They go to the door of the nearest house.


QUINN Now smile Daria.

Daria puts on a slightly disturbing grin.


QUINN Never mind. Just, effervesce if you can.


DARIA I canít do that.


QUINN Then exude!


DARIA How about not?


QUINN Do something already!


DARIA You know what, forget this. I donít care.


Daria gives Quinn an off glare and straightens up as Mr. DeMartino comes to the door holding a butcher knife and wearing a perspiration soaked under shirt.


DEMARTINO Ms. Morgendorffer I presume?


DARIA Itís me and for two dollars only Iíll get off your front lawn.


DEMARTINO As long as your NOT trying to SELL me those DAMNABLE candy BARS!


DARIA Perish the thought. But youíll get a free sample once I have my money.




He goes into the house to get money.


DARIA Did I just effervesce?


QUINN That wonít work twice.


DARIA Itís already worked one more time than I thought it would. Iím up for double or nothing.


DeMartino returns to the door with his wallet.


DARIA I have an additional proposition for you Mr. DeMartino. For an additional fee I will go to addresses of your choice and annoy them with candy sales.


DEMARTINO Theyíve PROBABLY been annoyed by you PUNKS already.


DARIA But now you can sleep soundly at night knowing for a fact they were.


DEMARTINO (evil laugh) This deal just keeps getting BETTER!


His evil laughter bridges this scene and the fade to a little later. Heís handing Daria a fat wad of cash and two pages of names & addresses. At the top of one page are the words ďLawndale High Faculty RosterĒ and the other ďLawndale High StudentsĒ.


DEMARTINO Now remember- twice through the highlight names and once for the underlined.


Daria shakes his hand.


DARIA A pleasure doing business with you sir.


DEMARTINO You as well.

With that he begins to laugh again and shuts the door.


DARIA Hell of a list. Which do you want?


QUINN I canít believe you just did that!


DARIA I canít believe it worked either but I guess I just gave the customer what he wanted. And hey- I donít have to wash the dirty feeling off when I get home. Thanks for the adviceÖsis.


QUINN Ohhhh! Curse you!


DARIA Do you sweet talk people with that mouth?


Quinn storms away, Daria walks after her but not quickly.


DARIA Wait, I have a deal for you now- you take these lists, and Iíll give you Kevin.


Quinn stops moving so the two can converse.


QUINN What? You donít have Kevin.


DARIA He broke up with Brittany today and you donít really believe heís coming over tonight to do the science project do you? If you look in the garage youíll find itís already completed and ready for school.


QUINN But youÖ and him?

DARIA The boy isnít too bright. Manipulating him doesnít take much.


QUINN But you and him.


Daria shrugs.


DARIA Heíll be over tonight so take it or leave it.




Daria hands off the lists to Quinn.


DARIA Heíll be over at seven and Iíll be gone. Just leave whatever candy you have left after this in my room.




Audioslaveís Doesnít Remind Me plays us into the scene.


Interior wise the Zon looks like a gutted brick warehouse refurbished with a beat up bar, a plywood stage lifted about five feet off the ground and with over size speakers around the building.


As itís before opening the area is sparsely populated. Underneath the stage is boxed in by plywood except for a small opening which Mystik Spiral is gathered around. Daria drags herself out from the hole. She doesnít look happy as she slaps a Mag-Lite into Trentís right hand.

DARIA Itís done.


JESSE Iíll let Joey know.

Jesse exits the scene.


TRENT Cool. Thanks. Joey said if we could get that those wired replaced heíd let us on tonight.


MAX (to Nick) Told ya.


NICK I didnít think you where serious!


MAX You didnít think we could dupe someone into that roach hole either so pay up!


NICK Dammit!


Nick pays Max. Jane walks into the scene and stands near Nick and Max.


TRENT Hey Janie, glad you made it.


NICK Yeah, whereíve you been all afternoon?


JANE I was with a hooker, purely business of course.


NICK Pimp hand strong?


JANE Right on.


She and Nick exchange a quick knuckle knocking.


JANE (to Daria) Yo, sorry about last night. Got a runnerís itch.


Daria moves over to be near Jane and the two step away from the group.


DARIA Thanks for setting the alarm.


JANE I didnít get back in last night, but Iíll still take the credit for kindness. Look, Iím sorry about the ditch and I want to put it all behind us. Say over some cheese fries.


DARIA Is that a bribe?


JANE What else could it be?

DARIA Allís forgiven.


As Daria and Jane pass from the scene a punked out, black haired Brittany snuggles up to Nick.




NICK Brit!


MAX (to Brittany) Um, you sure thatís the right Nick?


BRITTANY (looks at Nick) I think so. Are you?


NICK Yeah.


BRITTANY Are these your friends?


JESSE Better, weíre a band! Mystik Spiral!


TRENT But we might change the name.


BRITTANY Whatís a Mystik Spiral?


JESSE Weíre kind of like a grunge-


The band all talk over each other in an attempt to explain themselves. They with agreeing upon Ďpower slopí. At the end Brittany is wide eyed and tilts her head just so like a dog trying to comprehend whatís being talked about.


A wordless, Spiral groove plays us into the next scene.




We cut the exterior for a brief moment as the afternoon gives way to darkness. Back inside we see the girls talking to the band as they get off stage. An announcer is onstage.


ANNOUNCER That was Mystik Spiral! Next is Mystik Spiral! (looks at his cards) I mean I Am So Wasted! No, I mean Rock Hard followed by I Am So Wasted!


JANE That was different.


TRENT Weíre trying a new style, focusing our message through sound instead of words.


DARIA (thinking) Out of lyrics?


JANE Out of lyrics?


Daria gives a slightly surprised expression kind of an eye brow tick or very slight eye widening.


TRENT We just felt it was time to try a new inspiration out. One that doesnít require the whole band beÖ you know. (snaps his fingers twice in front of his eyes)


DARIA (thinking) Oh, I see. An alternate fuel source.


JANE Oh, I see. An alternate fuel source.


More eye widening.


TRENT Heh, good one. Fuel for the fire of my soul. (pause) Hey!


DARIA (thinking) Back to unleaded.


JANE Back to unleaded.


Daria looks a bit perturbed.


DARIA (thinking) Bring Captain Solo and the Wookiee to me.


Jesse walks by and Trent falls in step with him. They talk lyrics.


JANE Looks like the Captainís consulting Chewie.


Daria, eyes wide, watches them walk off.


JANE Whatís with you? Want me to drag them back here so you can impress them with your inability to speak?


DARIA Shut the hell up.


JANE Geez, whyídíya have to be so pissy all of a sudden? (looks away from Daria) Hey, over here! Tom!

We pan over to see Tom as he makes his way to the girls. They meet and sit at a ramshackle wooden table near the bar. Jane and Tom on one side, Daria on the other.


DARIA So this is the guy who brought about your change of heart.


JANE He explained to me that you where just unabashedly being you, thatís what Iíve liked about you since the beginning. He said I canít blame you for being you.


DARIA Wasnít that the character flaw you railed on me last night for?


JANE Yes but he put it in perspective. Then he gave me sex. That REALLY put everything in perspective.


DARIA Is this guy some kind of dime store shrink with a fold out couch?!


TOM We meet again, and it was a back seat and it was pretty firm.


JANE Well there was that springÖ Hey, maybe if you give her sex too sheíll stop making that face. (pause) You want me to give you sex? Because I donít fly that way until after the third drink.


DARIA He used you Jane. You were in a bad way and he used that to sleep with you.


JANE It was the other way around. He gave me sex, being vulnerable was just a great excuse for psychoanalytical pillow talk.


TOM I take they donít teach that at public schools?


DARIA What? Psychology or Hunting & Escaping?


TOM (to Jane) Now do you see why I go to a premiere prep school?


JANE But you still hate it right?

TOM Bite the hand that feeds.


DARIA I feel like Iím on the wrong side of a wall.


JANE Well who put it there?


DARIA I always thought you where on my side of it.


JANE Then why didnít you let me know that?


DARIA (very irate) Because until last night we never had any reason to talk in silly metaphors.


TOM Sheís crass but she does have a point Jane.


DARIA Hey, stay on your side of the wall.


JANE Yeah Tom, donít you know a domestic dispute when you see one? Now get back in your car andÖ


TOM Cheese fries?


JANE (to Daria) Shiny isnít he?


Tom leaves.


JANE You gotta learn to calm down Daria.


DARIA I am calm.


JANE No youíre seething just below the surface.


DARIA I just donít like it when people use my friend. Thatís my job.


JANE Well he certainly didnít mind being used back. Like I said, he gave me sex and I sucked him dry so itís all good.


Jane grabs a sugar packet from her pocket and eats it.


JANE I think I have a sugar imbalance.


DARIA Raging hormone imbalance. How very convenient for young Mr. Thomas, esquire.


JANE Very, and heís an honor student to boot.


DARIA (almost muttering) I hate honor students.

JANE Werenít you an honor student?

DARIA An honorary one, not by choice. Hey, didnít we make Ďthe listí for the honor society?


JANE You know I see what youíre trying to do. Iím not blind you know, just blurry around the edges from sleep deprivation. YouíreÖumÖthere are words here. Iím sure of it.


DARIA You think now that while the Knight-Protector is away Iím trying to talk you away from him since mind games and word play arenít your arena, though they are his and youíve been using him as a meat shield since as youíve just shown this isnít your thing.


JANE Arenít you?


DARIA That angle always exists. I really donít like this guy.


JANE Well you donít have to like him. Just tolerate him.


DARIA (thinks it over) Thatís fair. Can we forget this whole stupid episode ever happened?


JANE Letís forget the season. (pause) Heh. All this over Upchuck and a chocolate bar.


Daria looks at Jane funny.

JANE Now that I think about it, it was just Upchuck.


Tom returns with a plate of cheese fries.


DARIA Episodes over, you can go home now.


TOM I take it Iím out of the club?


JANE (to Daria) Heís really a fun guy to have around; you should give him a chance.


DARIA I believe Czar Nicholas said the same about Rasputin.


TOM (sits down) Now there was a party animal for you. His cult believed in sinning for redemption.


JANE I think I like this cult. Daria, letís join a cult.


DARIA (to Tom) So what are you then?


TOM Cult of personality. But to be more specific Iím a Sloane. No relation to the toilet Sloanes.

Daria doesnít respond verbally but gives him kind of a look as she eats a cheese fry.


TOM Okay, distant relation.


DARIA (to Jane) I meant to ask this before he came back but how are you doing with the candy sales?


JANE Me? Iím out.


DARIA Ms. Liís going to be pissed.


JANE I mean I sold them.


DARIA Please tell me you didnít go back to the fat ladyís house.

JANE Mrs. Johansen? Nah, Tom bought them.


DARIA He bought your whole box?


TOM It was for a good cause.


JANE We made a game out of it. For every ten bars he bought I threw in a-


DARIA Thereís a word for that kind of behavior where Iím from.


TOM Look at what youíre surrounded by Daria before you say any more. I doubt people in Highland would approve of this.


We pull out for a moment to take in the Zon in all its festering glory.


DARIA Theyíd clamor for it.

JANE Despite not knowing what that word means.


TOM All kidding aside, what does it matter to you what Jane and I do or how she sells her candy? I really donít see how itís any of your business.



JANE Now that Iím out I can focus on helping you ditch yours.


DARIA He canít help.

TOM The thought never crossed my mind.


DARIA What? My legs not long enough for you?


JANE Daria!


TOM No but your myopia is far too advanced.




Tom makes an ĎI quití motion. Jane looks at Daria.


TOM A cease fire works for the Koreans.


DARIA Thereís also a wall and a minefield between the Koreas.


TOM You brought the wall-


JANE Not back here again.


DARIA I didnít set this up.


TOM Letís look at the facts-


DARIA You fucked my best friend while she was depressed, gave her money and took her candy all in the course of a night?


JANE Excuse me!


Janeís ignored completely.


TOM A night she walked out on you when you confronted her.


DARIA Because I care dammit. I didnít go andÖher.


TOM (quickly) You swing like that Jane, because itís cool if you do.


JANE Dammit, both of you shut the hell up! Tom, three dollars, Daria, three dollars. Iím taking a taxi and whoever wins me can let me know in the morning. No wait, screw it. Iíll find a cop; theyíll give me a free ride if I commit a misdemeanor. Quota thing.


Jane exits the scene. We swiftly move from a reaction shot of Daria and Tom to Nick and Brittany over by the bar.


NICK Like the set?

BRITTANY I donít know but the music wasnít very happy.


NICK We donít do that much. Itís Trentís call but Iíd like to do happy. Of course Iíd need some inspiration.


BRITTANY (pulls a CD player from her purse) I have the newest Britina album, I listened to it through most of your songs!


NICK (puts his hand on Brittanyís shoulder) There are other kinds of inspiration. You ever been with an older man?


BRITTANY Older? You said you where 16! Iím 16! How can you be older?


NICK UmÖ whatís your sign?


BRITTANY Are you a senior?


NICK I never graduated if thatís what you mean.

Brittany is getting madder.

NICK I can legally get us the beer.


Brittany slaps him across the face and stomps away. Her black hair dye is leaking; a lot of it is on Nickís shirt. She sees Daria and Tom and stops still out of ear shot; Daria is unaware of her presence.

We cut back to Daria and Tom.


TOM That could have gone better.


Daria is unresponsive. Suddenly Brittany comes up to her and yells in her face.


BRITTANY This is all your fault!!!


She runs off.


TOM If you feel like being rational about this maybe we can sit down and talk this problem over civilly?


DARIA Whatís to talk about? I think Iíve made myself pretty clear on this issue.


TOMNo youíve been blinded by your own self-righteousness since the moment you found out I did for Jane what you couldnít.


DARIA I wouldnít you mean.

TOM Hey, the physical stuff came after wards. What she needed was a pure, undiluted perspective on what happened. Being involved yourself and with your sunny disposition thereís nothing you could say she could trust.


DARIA Enter the stranger with a hankering for candy.


TOM Okay, Iím done. When youíre ready to be an adult we can figure this thing out.


He pulls a card from his pocket and hands it to her. Then he exits the scene.


DARIA (to herself) Some people just canít take a hint. (looks at the card) If I didnít know any better Iíd say he was hitting on me.


She makes her way through the crowd toward the stage. On stage a gay hard rock band is hanging up a banner reading ĎRock Hardí. (How does she know theyíre gay? She just does.) She looks down at Tomís card then at them and ponders giving it to them.


DARIA I could say itís from a shy admirer. But that would be immature. Then heíd finally be right about something. (she tears up the card) And that simply cannot be.

She walks around until she finds Mystik Spiral off to the side.


MAX So Nicky, whereís that chick?


NICK I donít know. She started leaking and disappeared.


MAX (snickers) Just like the rest of your girl friends.


NICK Thatís not true. Mostly.


TRENT Hey Daria.

DARIA Do you guys have the time to give me a ride home? Iím not feeling well.


JESSE She must have eaten the cheese fries.


TRENT You didnít did you?


DARIA I had one but itís not that.


MAX Nick can take her. Heís sans chick again.


NICK Yeah!


TRENT Nah, Iíll do it.


NICK No, really itís cool. (to Daria) So, have you ever been with an older man?


DARIA Ever felt the sting of a size 6Ĺ?


NICK With or without heels?


TRENT Settle down Nick, she got us here tonight.


NICK But has she gotten us all the way?


Max full force bitch slaps Nick across the face. He shakes his fist at Nick.




DARIA I have no wordsÖ thou bloodier villain than terms can give thee out.


The band looks at Daria funny.


DARIA I mean, ďDammit Beavis.Ē


Max kicks Nick.


MAX Dammit Beavis!




Well after dark. We see the Trentmobile (blue 1974 Plymouth Satellite) driving from the light business to the residential area of Lawndale. Trent is driving Daria; he is also wearing Ray-Ban Wayfarer sunglasses. (Blues Brothers, Risky Business) Sam & Daveís Soothe Me is barely audible on the radio.


TRENT Whereíd Janie run off to?

DARIA I donít know. Weíre having a row. You can let me off here if you want.


TRENT Itís cool, thatís between you and her.


DARIA And Tom.

TRENT Heís cool.

DARIA It doesnít bother you that heís screwing with Jane?


TRENT She can make her own decisions.


DARIA Well itís him and I that canít see eye to eye. Janeís caught in the middle.


TRENT Sounds like being in a band.


DARIA I didnít realize the band had that kind of problem. You all seem to get along pretty well most of the time.

TRENT I donít think youíve ever seen all of us sober at the same time.


DARIA The key to success in any long term relation.


Trent laugh/coughs.


TRENT Nick and Max dislike each other to the point theyíre best friends for it, Jesse and I are alike but I take more than I give, we donít really communicate all that well. Ironic huh?


Daria doesnít say anything.


TRENT But between the four of us thereís a solid groove that defies explanation.It just does so donít ask.


DARIA So you ignore your problems?


TRENT Pretty much.


DARIA What if one of the members was the problem?

TRENT I think the Doors said it best, judge not or youíll be judged.


DARIA I donít fear judgment. Thatís for the guilty party.


TRENT Good point. Maybe if we got one of you drunk this wouldnít be a problem.

DARIA Being drunk would probably make it harder for him to get into a sad girlís shorts.


TRENT So youíre up for it?


He reaches down in the car and pulls up a beer.


DARIA Isnít that illegal?


TRENT Only if youíre caught.

They pull up to a stop light, a police car beside them. The cops look at Trent, whoís holding up a beer. They turn the lights on and put their cruiser in park.


TRENT Its cool officer, itís not open.

He brings it around so they can see itís not open. He drops it on the ground and booze squirts from a small pinhole opening on the top.


TRENT Thought it felt kind of light.


Officers Daniel and Mount get out of their squad car (2000 Ford Police Interceptor).


(Blues Brothers homage- direct ref.)


TRENT Um, the light was yellow officer.


Officer Daniels flashes his flashlight into the Trentmobile going from Trent to Daria. Neither of which make eye contact with him. Daria blinks a lot.

We cut to Trent and Daria in the backseat of the police car.

TRENT Dammit Jesse.


Trent sighs and moves a little so heís more comfortable. Daria notices.


TRENT Iím used this by now.


MOUNT Pillow?

TRENT No, Iím good.




3 Doors Downís Kryptonite intro plays us in.


Interior of the police station: A desk seating two cops, is in the center of the room, on either side of the room is a bench and behind the desk are doors leading into the station proper.


Daria is sitting on a bench, Trent is handcuffed standing with Officers Daniels and Mount; Stelano is manning the desk.


STELANO Okay, Trent, weíre going to hit you for the open container but weíre going to leave out any mention of your little friend here.


TRENT Thanks.

STELANO You know what they say about these high school girls, I get older but they stay the same age. Kidding, Non-Existent Girl, call your parents and they can pick you up.


Daria gets up and dials the phone on the desk. She makes a call (unheard) and while everyone else is talking makes a second one. When sheís done with her unheard conversation she goes back to sitting on the bench.


TRENT Your momís gonna kill you, isnít she?

DARIA Doubtful.


Daria sits at the bench and begins to nod off. When Stelano speaks only he and Daria remain in the room. The clock show 45 minutes of time has passed.


STELANO Non-Existent Girl, you did call your parents right?


DARIA My motherís on the way, she was just doing some work in the city.


He nods and spends the next few moments talking to himself. Abruptly he straightens up and stares at the door.


STELANO Forget that bit about high school girls, with any luck youíll grow up to be like your mom.


Aunt Amy steps into the police station.


AMY Officer, is-


STELANO No names. If youíre referring to the Non-Existent Girl sheís over there.


AMY Is she now? (looks at Daria) Young lady?


Daria bows her head like a naughty child. Aunt Amy moves near where Daria sits on the bench. She speaks the next line with a malicious grin.


AMY Well arenít you going to hug me? I am your mother.


Daria waits off a few seconds before embracing her aunt.


AMY Was that so hard now?


Daria responds with silence.




We watch the pair exit through the front entrance of the station. It was very much night still. As they near the parking lot Daria hands Amy a twenty.


AMY Told you Iíd get you to hug me one day.


Daria pulls another bill from her pocket and hands it to Amy who hands it right back.


AMY Keep it, I prefer favors to money.


They come upon a red 1962 Triumph TR3 in the parking lot and get in. The Crampís Bikini Girls with Machine Guns comes on the radio and they leave the lot.


AMY Canít believe they didnít even ID me. I had a good cover story too. Iíll have to wait for another day to use that fake CIA badge.


Amy looks at Daria who is unresponsive.


AMY One of those nights?

Daria nods.


AMY So whatís the babyís name gonna be?


DARIA I donít think weíre looking at this the same way.


AMY So you can speak and you should see how this looks from where I sit.


DARIA Sorry, I donít have a license.


AMY Do you still have that jacket I gave you?


DARIA It served its purpose well in itís time.


AMY Meaning it annoyed your mom then you lost it.

DARIA It caught fire.


AMY Time and again I told you what would happen if you kept hanging out with those boys. Sure you say itíll just be to annoy your parents and the next thing you know Bic starts sending you thank you notes.

DARIA It wasnít like that. I was at a part thrown by this cheerleader and her little brother started the fireÖ


Daria stops telling her story because her Aunt is getting too much amusement from it.


AMY Oh, go on Daria. I believe you 100%.


DARIA I was with the band.


AMY What do you play?

DARIA 20 Questions.


AMY Well I dragged myself from the city and raced down here in under an hour to save you from Helenís wrath. Iíd just like to know what happened.


DARIA I was in the car with Trent, heís this guy I know in the band, and one of the other guys in the band had left an open beer can in the car.


AMY So let me get this straight, you hit cheerleader parties, hang around bands and booze till the cops drag you in?

DARIA You left out the part where I distill my own whiskey and dance on polls. But yeah, thatís the long and short of it.


AMY Wow, how did you ever get adjusted to suburban life so quick?


Daria takes a few extra moments to respond (by changing the subject).


DARIA Youíre not going to tell mom are you?


AMY For as little as you offered me for the pick up I should but no.


DARIA Good, because itís late and youíll have to walk me to the door to explain why I broke curfew.

AMY Okay, now I want that other twenty.




AMY Hey, that was before you said Iíd have to deal with Helen. (pause) Take it easy Daria; Iíll go down to five if itís just Jake. (smirks) On second thought, forget about it. This could be fun.


DARIA This wonít bode well for me will it?

AMY Seeing you and Helen squirm could be a once in a life time opportunity!


Daria reacts poorly and Amy laughs.


AMY Hey, youíd be doing this if you where me right now.


DARIA Because until now I didnít have enough reasons to be a self loather.


AMY Isnít that what family is for?

DARIA Besides mooching?

AMY And other givens, yes.


DARIA Youíre a wonderful human being, you know that?




We start looking at the exterior of the Morgendorffer front door. Daria and Amyís shadows fall across it. We watch the shadows interact during this scene. Amy presses the doorbell.


AMY (off screen) Hey DariaÖ




Amy makes a sound to accompany sticking her tongue out and going cross eyed. Daria is caught mid-laugh as Helen opens the door. We switch to Helenís POV to see Daria caught like a deer in the headlights with her smug aunt beside her.


HELEN This is unexpected.


AMY I was in the neighborhood saw Daria here loitering and being a general nuisance to the public so I did my good deed for the day and picked her up.


HELEN And thatís why sheís home so late.


DARIA Time flies when youíre eating cheese fries.


HELEN Whereís my manners, come in Amy.


AMY Only if Daria can come in too.


Helen laughs weakly. The two enter and Helen shuts the door behind them.


HELEN (sniffs the air) You two smell like cigarettes.


DARIA Thatís the club scene for you.


Daria heads to the kitchen while Helen and Amy go to the living room. Jake is at the kitchen table, asleep over his newspaper (and incomplete crossword). Daria pours herself some water from a container in the fridge and sits down by Jake. She takes the pen from Jakeís hand and jots down a few crossword answers. She is also listening in on Helen and Amy unobtrusively from where she sits.


HELEN Really Amy?


AMY Hard to believe isnít it?


HELEN Erinís getting married.


AMY I was amazed she could pick just one groom from all of her options.


HELEN (chuckles) Oh Amy. Erinís not like how we where at that age.

AMY Yeah, at her age you where just living on the commune and, what was that term you usedÖto describe the relationshipÖall for one, and free for all, I forget. I didnít sleep much back then and itís taking its toll on my memory now.


HELEN That was so long ago. So, so long ago. Even I canít recall the details.


AMY Well as you explained it you werenít sleeping much then either.


Helen laughs weakly and takes a long draw of the martini Jake had left on the coffee table.


AMY Hey, itís not like it was due to experimenting with the same mind altering drugs we try daily to keep your kids from!


They laugh together, but each for their own reasons. A beat later Daria takes a step into the living room and speaks up.

DARIA So the adage is true, itís not the age, itís the mileage.


Helen laughs weakly some more, Amy subtly letís Daria know she has it coming.


HELEN I canít believe you came all the way down here to tell me that. You should have just called, really.


AMY But then who would have picked Daria up from the precinct?


More of Helenís nervous laughter. Daria is visibly on edge from where she watches. Amy looks up at her with a devilish smile.


HELEN It is pretty late, if you like, Daria can keep you company for awhile longer but I have to turn in now, busy day tomorrow.


AMY Same here, can you believe I have to get up at nine and telecommute?


HELEN We all have to make our little sacrifices, donít we?


Helen exits the scene via stairs. Daria walks into the living room.


AMY Truth be told I have places to be myself in the morning and so do you; if you donít want to be as anti-social as a home-schooler.


Daria mumbles a thank you (or fí you).


AMY What is it? You want to come with me to Anacosta? Learn my ways and become an acerbic wit, like your aunt before you?


She puts a hand on Dariaís shoulder.


AMY Hey, after all this, thatís two you owe me.

She straightens up and heads to the door. Daria escorts her out, lingering at the door an extra moment after Amy leaves to shut it. Daria goes back to the kitchen to finish off her water when Quinn, in her night gown, comes into the scene after her.


QUINN Who was at the door?

DARIA Keyser Soze.


QUINN (shrugs) Not my date.


Quinn talks as she gets a glass, pours some milk and warms it in the microwave.


DARIA So how was Kevin?


QUINN (faux happy) So wonderful I canít put it to words.


DARIA He spent three hours watching the Pigskin Channel didnít he?


QUINN Yes and I canít believe you lied to me about your going out! That was low Daria!


DARIA I never said directly we where going out and I kept my end of the deal by arranging for you two to have personal time didnít I? (long pause) Did the customer get what she wanted?


QUINN Shut up. Iím interested in knowing, how was your real date tonight?


DARIA I didnít go on a date.


QUINN Whatever Daria, you smell like cigarettes and cheese fries which means a club and Iím guessing Keyser Soze is a boy.


DARIA Oh how wrong you are on that account.


Quinn takes a moment to stop and look at her sister funny.


QUINN (shrugs) Whatever works, maybe now youíll be halfway cool.


DARIA Like a half sister?


QUINN Donít push it Daria.


DARIA Look it wasnít a date. TonightísÖ never mind. Itís too complicated for you to grasp.




DARIA Why what?


QUINN Why is whatever so complicated for me to grasp?


DARIA Because it is.


QUINN Thatís why you canít be myÖ you know. You make everything so complicated.


DARIA I thought it was my lack of volumizer.


QUINN Why canít it be both?


DARIA I imagine its nice being stuck in the shallow end of the pool. No fear of drowning.


QUINN (shrugs) You say that like itís bad. Itís like, you read a magazine and start whining about meaning or whatever and I like, enjoy the pictures.


DARIA Sad what happens when you can read, isnít it?


QUINN Well at least I donít have to worry about all that stuff you canít do anything about.


DARIA Yeah, what do you care about the unexploded land mines in the rain forests of Mongolia? You need to keep your hair bouncy.


QUINN I never thought youíd finally get it! Hey, if you want make over help weíre still-


DARIA Iím good.


QUINN No youíre not but good night.


Quinn exits the scene.

DARIA Thank God she left. I think I almost learned a lesson.




The Lawndale jail at early afternoon. Jane and Tom exit his ratty navy blue and rust 1972 Ford Pinto and the scene continues until they end at the desk in the lobby.


JANE You donít have to do this.

TOM But I want to.


JANE Thanks.

TOMAfter this want me to put out a hit on Jesse?


JANE If you do that whoíll be left to play second fiddle to my brother?


TOM Iím not a bad guitarist myself.


JANE Youíre joking right?


TOM Wanna hear my Johnny Cash?


JANE Iíll pass.


TOM I can also play the Theme from the Dukes of Hazzard.


JANE And other select Waylon Jennings hits Iím sure.


TOM Pick a Highwayman and I can pick you one of his tunes.


JANE I prefer the Theme from a Turnpike thank you.


TOM How about Janeís Theme?


Tom opens the door of the precinct for Jane.


JANE Youíd do that for me?

TOM If I knew how to play it.


Jane imitates a rim shot.


TOM Tough crowd.


JANE Try doing that bit on the other side of those bars.


TOM Pass.


They come to the desk and converse with officer Mount behind it.


JANE Weíre here to post bail for Trent Lane.

MOUNT Give me a second.


He checks the computer at the desk and pulls up some unseen files.


MOUNT No can do.


JANE And why the Hell not?


MOUNT Because he was released an hour ago.


Jane looks at Tom.



Jane opens the door at the top of the basement stairs. When she hears Daria she stops and motions for Tom to do the same. We only listen in on this next conversation.


TRENT Daria, your hands are trembling.


DARIA Iím sorry.

TRENT Donít apologize, just relax and feel it.


DARIA You sound like Jane.


TRENT Where do you think she gets it from?


DARIA Okay, Iím ready.


We hear the opening twangs of Alice in Chainsí Heaven Besides come from downstairs. Our focus shifts from Jane and Tom as they come down to Daria and Trent. Trent is standing behind Daria with his arms around hers and a guitar in front of them. He is guiding her hands with his so itís a little off key.


TRENT (humming) Like the coldest winter chill, heaven beside you.


DARIA (flatly) Hell to pay.


Jane takes another step down and there is a loud creak from the step. Daria whirls around, a bit tangled in Trent and the guitar, her face is flush.


TOM Donít stop on our account.


JANE Daria, I see you sprang my brother.

DARIA The band helped, but I was able to use my candy sales money to get the ball rolling.


TRENT (to Tom) Hey, I haveÖ a thing I want to show you.

TOM And itís not in this room is it?


TRENT I donít think so.

TOM Well then, letís go look for it.


Tom and Trent exit the scene via the stairs.


JANE Wonít Ms. Li want that by the end of the week?


DARIA I still have all the candy- itís a long story but suffice to say Iíll burn that bridge when I come to it.


JANE So you can watch everyone on it plummet to their dooms no doubt.


DARIA You are a bad influence on me.


JANE I am if this is all a cheap ploy to get back on my good side.


DARIA I did sprang your brother, didnít I?


JANE Like you did that purely for altruistic reasons.

DARIA Didnít say I did but you where one of those reasons. Oh, and for the record, springing him wasnít that cheap.

JANE Fair enough. Now for the 60,000 after taxes question-


DARIA Iíve asked for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Tom isnít worth not being friends over.


JANE So if a hitman gets him it wonít be your doing.


DARIA Right, I blew all my cash on your brother and as far as Iím concerned Tom isnít worth the fifty cents for a .45 slug.


JANE How do you know the price of a bullet?


DARIA Some things are best left unsaid.


JANE Like why it needs to be a .45 slug in particular.


DARIA And thatís what I like about you, you get it.


JANE And for your information, those rounds are fifty five cents here. (pause) Tom and I where going to go bowling and maybe catch a movie tonight, maybe you and Trent want to tag along?


DARIA As much as I love rental shoes Iíll have to pass. I have a science project due tomorrow and itís only partially done.


JANE Did I miss that?

DARIA Rephrase please.


JANE Did I need to do that?


DARIA Does it matter?


JANE Not really. Iíll think of an excuse on the fly. If youíre not interested in going out with us can I at least ask Tom to drop you off at home?


DARIA Iíd like that.


Alice in Chainsí Heaven Beside (unplugged) plays us into the next scene.




Tom, Daria and Jane are in his car. Daria is in the backseat, Jane sits beside Tom. Daria is looking around the car in disbelief.


DARIA Does this thing start on its own or will I need to push?


TOM Sheís got it where it counts.


DARIA Insurance policy?


JANE Aw damn. IĎll be back in a moment.


Jane hops out of the car and runs back into the house.


TOM Must have noticed that run in her nylons.


Daria stays silent but looks at him accusingly. He notices that in the cracked rearview mirror tapped to windshield.


TOM You still donít trust me?


DARIA I got in this car didnít I?


TOM You know what I mean.

DARIA I donít have to. Youíve kind of pointed that out yourself.


TOM True, but if you give me a chance you may come to tolerate me.

DARIA Why would I go off and do a damn fool thing like that?


TOM Because I can hold back from making little observations like the one about how itís obvious you need Jane far more than she needs you. Can you?


DARIA Thatís what I was just doing.


TOM No you werenít, youíre biding your time and waiting for me to screw up just enough to drive a wedge between me and Jane.


DARIA I wonít be the one to shake things up if thatís what youíre afraid of.

TOM Shake things upÖ Hammet?


DARIA Glad you could appreciate that.

TOM Like I said, we may be able to tolerate each other.


DARIA That remains to be seen.


TOM Hell, weíll give it time.


Daria crosses her arms and shifts her position in the seat. She looks unhappy with where sheís sat.


TOM Forgot to warn you about that spring.




Late at night- The completed maze and mouse cage sit in a corner of the room as does the leftover candy box. The computer is the only light in the room. We see Daria in front of her computer with a word document up, the header reads- COFFEE HOUSE STORY but she isnít playing with that- sheís trying to IM someone with the screen name ĎCasstroí.


We move to an exterior shot of Highland at dusk. We focus on a single story house very similar to the one Daria left behind.


Cassandraís room is very neat as opposed to Dariaís mess; a Che Guevara poster adorns a wall as does a tie dye earth poster. Cassandra sits at a Mac with a little lamp attached to the top. Next to the computer are family pictures, her meeting President Clinton (and holding up a derogatory sign with an arrow pointing at him) and a black and white photograph of her grandfather in a flight suit standing before an A-6A Intruder.


A ding alerts her to Dariaís incoming messages. The rest of the scene plays out between the two locations.



Is this Cassandra Coonts?



Maybe, who are you?



Daria Morgendorffer. I moved away a month or so ago.



That isnít ringing any bells.



Diarrhea, Cha-cha-cha.



That Daria, I know so many here in Highland.



Cassandra, sorry for all the crap I gave you.



Now I know this isnít Daria Morgendorffer.



You where responsible for siphoning all the gas from the lumberyardís truck on July 8th last year.



I rescind my former comment. Why the change of heart?


Well, when you aim on taking down an asshole its best not to be one yourself.


Or you could be an even bigger one.



Trust me; itíll be hard to top this one.



DariaM: Trust me;

What would you know of trust?



Iím talking to you about this, arenít I?



And so the plot thickensÖ


From Dariaís end we see the IM go off and she returns to her story. In the body of the Word document we can see the title of her coffee house story-


Daria Morgendorfferís

ďDepth Takes a HolidayĒ


We fade to black as The Foo Fighterís DOA plays over the credits.




As the end credit song dies down we see an additional scene of Daria and Jane at the flea market movie tent holding tapes in each hand.


DARIA Okay we have Gone in 60 Seconds Starring Eleanor or Gone in 60 Seconds Starring Nicholas Cage.

JANE Iíll go with the first Gone, fewer pretenses; more car wrecks. Thereís a respectable art to that.


DARIA Why donít we have stimulating conversations like this more often?


JANE Now lookie, we have Missing in Action and Delta Force 2: The Columbian Connection.


DARIA I believe Norrisí earlier works had a greater depth and resonance than his latter films such as Delta Force 2, the only notable exception being Braddock: Missing in Action 3, which is arguably the ďSeven SamuraiĒ of Chuck Norris films.


JANE I heard Chuck Norris makes all his own explosionsÖ with his bare hands.


DARIA And I heard Chuck Norris only fights because Chuck Norris needs ass-kicking like most people need water.


We pan over a little to the Bearded One (CAMEO: CHUCK NORRIS) whoís standing behind the girls.


BEARDED ONE And I heard that Chuck Norris can beat the crap out of two little wise asses using only his stare.


We close up on his intense stare. Suddenly Jane falls as if shot through the heart. Daria stands there, folds her arms and stares back. The Bearded One flinches. Daria looks directly at the camera and it zooms in to frame her head within the Daria logo and the credits come back up and over it.








This motion picture was filmed live on location in Anacortes, WA as well as Norfolk, Virginia Beach and Chesapeake, VA. Right here in America, the land of the Chrysler 440 cubic inch engine!


Story is ©2006 NapalmKracken. Daria, Beavis & Butt-Head and all related characters and properties are pimped by MTV who in turn is a dirty whore for Viacom.




We see Jane and Daria standing around in on the walk in front of Dariaís house.


JANE Was it just me or did this thing end at the bottom of the idea barrel?

DARIA I did hear some scrapping at the end.


JANE Where do you wager we go from here?

DARIA Based on what I know about the guy responsible for this messÖ Iíd have to say something really dumb, tawdry and beneath us.


A tomato rolls by the girls unnoticed. Then another, and another; suddenly a herd of big red tomatoes is rolling around our heroines. Jane falls to the ground screaming, a tomato on her neck.




JANE Get it off! Get it-


Jane stands up holding the tomato.


JANE Just kidding.


She lobs the tomato at the camera and its splattering spells out-




The Attack of the Killer Tomatoes Theme plays up. Insert John Astinís maniacal laughter as we fade to black.


Proposed Actors/Actresses

DARIA Summer Glau (River, Firefly, Serenity)
JANE Jewel Staite (Kaylee, Firefly, Serenity)

JAKE Will Ferrell (Old School)

QUINN Lindsey Lohan (Mean Girls)

ANDREA Rachel Roth (Amy, Titus)

JESSE Jonathan Heder (Napoleon Dynamite, Napoleon Dynamite)

NICK Zack Ward (Dave, Titus)

COACH NORRIS Chuck Norris (Walker, Texas Ranger)



I began this story on July 28, 2005. Immediately it had multiple false starts and many issues in between then and now. An interesting contrast to the first Daria Disenfranchised since I wrote that in a month (I started that one June 21, 2005 and ended right before starting this oneís file).


After the aforementioned false starts and I had locked onto the story/plot elements I wanted (all the while trying to keep it funny first) and decided to tackle where I perceived the show failed: The Tom Dingus and what would come after. I can promise you this- I wonít loathe the parade or jump a shark. Having said thatÖ


Youíre probably asking yourself why I included that awful Chuck Norris ending, thereís a good reason. I am a Letterman fan and one of his hallmarks is to make a joke, get everyone laughing and then do something completely wrong to stop the laughter so Dave alone is sitting there laughing his ass off. (At least thatís how it looked to me back when I watched network television.) If you enjoyed that joke then good for you too.


From where I sit Daria doesnít need growth or change. Sheís developed enough as it is and like steel, tempering will only make her stronger.


Are you really still-still reading this?


Once again, thanks for your time.


-The Management


March 5, 2006 (Original completion date)