DARIA DISENFRANCHISED PART II
Written & Directed By:
NapalmKracken
SCENE: WELCOME BACK, DARIA (HHS INTERIOR)
Black. Ambient classroom noises.
CASSANDRA (voice over) Daria. Daria wake up.
Daria’s POV- as she grumbles her eyes open and blink. Cassandra, a willowy brunette with glasses in a blue dress is shaking her awake.
DARIA They rung the bell already?
We change to a view of the two girls at Daria’s desk at Mr. Van Driessen’s class in HHS. The classroom is practically empty since class has ended. The hippie teacher David Van Driessen can be seen leaving the room. Daria straightens up and tries to come awake. Cassandra lets out a small laugh.
Daria is in her pre-Daria khaki/beige outfit; brown skirt, khaki over shirt and
black T-shirt. Brown hiking bots and black leggings.
CASSANDRA You’re amazing Morgendorffer. Today’s a special day and you’re treating it like Tuesday.
DARIA (very slowly and tired) That’s
because every Tuesday is special. Taco Tuesday only comes once a week. The only
day more special than Tuesday is the occasional Monday. Such as yesterday’s Monday
Marathon Madness of Sick Sad World (huge yawn) till
CASSANDRA You stayed up and- (shakes her head) At least one of us has her priorities straight.
DARIA I don’t give a damn if I have to meet the president of
the
Daria stands up. She and Cassandra walk out of the classroom. This conversation continues as they walk down the student laden hall. As they walk at some point Daria looks up at a clock on the wall.
CASSANDRA If I didn’t know you so well I would have thought you were being sincere.
DARIA Well thank God someone has me pegged.
CASSANDRA I know we’re not friends per se but I’d like to think we have an understanding of each other.
DARIA You overestimate me. I belittle you. We trade unappetizing lunch items. I’d call that a working knowledge.
CASSANDRA With anyone else I’d call that friendship.
DARIA Aren’t we special?
CASSANDRA Then maybe we can share a table with Stewart for lunch today.
DARIA Not that special. Honestly, why do you bother with me?
CASSANDRA Because you’re truly talented and refuse to show it. No potential should go to waste.
DARIA That’s what they said about Uranium.
The Presidents of the
SCENE: MEETING OF THE MINDS (HHS GYM)
HHS Gym. A large gym of typical construction, there is a stage and podium erected in the center of the basketball court. Men in black roam the room; the marching band is prepping near an entrance. People are filling the bleachers. A section has been set aside for VIPS and another is roped off. Daria and Cassandra are walking through and entrance and heading for the roped off bleachers.
DARIA What I don’t get is why I was chosen for this instead of you.
CASSANDRA You’re photogenic, have a winning smile and have never been involved in possible anti-American activities or eco-terrorism.
DARIA Too bad you only have 3 out of 4.
CASSANDRA I regret nothing. Those trees needed saving.
DARIA Oh, 2 out of 4 then. That makes us even.
CASSANDRA I submitted your name as a possible replacement for me.
DARIA I thought you thought of yourself as my friend?
CASSANDRA (smirks) Malicious benefactor.
DARIA Now I’m willing to wager you’re the one who called my parents and told them about this.
CASSANDRA Remember what I said about your potential Daria?
DARIA Sadistic optimist.
Daria sits at the roped off bleachers at her spot- it’s marked with a flash card that sports her name on one side and ‘acceptable questions’ on the other. She looks around at the other students. They’re hand picked honor students representing all races and ethnicities at the school and with a 1:1 male/female ratio.
CASSANDRA Highland Honor students.
DARIA I hate Highland Honor students.
A man in black takes to the podium.
MIB All non-essential personnel please clear the floor. Everyone else to your positions.
CASSANDRA Good luck Daria.
Cassandra exits the scene. Daria sighs and reads through her card. Pulling a
pen from her pocket she starts making changes to it.
BUTT-HEAD Check it out, Diarrhea has a pass too.
BEAVIS I bet it’s a bathroom pass. Yeah, he-he-m-he-he.
The boys take seats beside her.
DARIA (points out the door) Detention is that way.
BUTT-HEAD Um, like the men in black brought us here.
BEAVIS Yeah. They flashed me and like I forget stuff.
BUTT-HEAD Like wiping? Uh-huh.
DARIA I guess the two of you balance out the rest of this ensemble.
BUTT-HEAD What?
BEAVIS Words suck.
DARIA (sighs) I just insinuated that in a room with twelve intellectuals and/or honor students representing intelligence instead of twelve intellectually devoid morons to even things out it merely takes the two of you wallowing in your complete and utter idiocy.
The boys are frozen and dumb founded.
BUTT-HEAD Uh…Your name is Diarrhea.
BEAVIS Diarrhea cha, cha, cha! Diarrhea cha, cha, cha!
Daria shakes her head as the band strikes up with the Beavis & Butt-Head Theme which leads into Hail to the Chief. As the band plays Tabitha Soren (CAMEO: TABITHA SOREN) takes to the podium.
TABITHA I’m Tabitha Soren and I’d like to welcome everyone here today for our meeting with the president!
BUTT-HEAD She got held back.
BEAVIS Dumbass! (pause) Hey Butt-Head, that chick is playing the flute. It’s pretty cool.
BUTT-HEAD Uh-huh, I bet you like playing the flute. Uh-huh.
BEAVIS Yeah, he-he. All the time.
BUTT-HEAD The skin flute.
BEAVIS Ah! Take that back! Oh wait, never mind. He-he. You’re pretty smart sometimes Butt-Head.
DARIA Boys, if you get me a coke you can keep the buck fifty.
She holds out two dollars to them. Butt-Head snaps it up.
BUTT-HEAD Deal!
DARIA HEB Cola please.
BUTT-HEAD Uh… they don’t sell that at school.
DARIA (Smirks) That’s why you have a pass, right?
BUTT-HEAD Um... oh yeah.
The boys get up to go.
DARIA Take all the time you need.
They exit the scene. Daria sits back contently. We refocus on Tabitha Soren.
TABITHA …where he single handedly saved the boll weevil from extinction. Then he became our president!
Amid clapping and cat calls the president* (CAMEO: DARRELL HAMMOND) take the stage and Tabitha exits it. Signs are held up with statements that range from ‘We love you!’ to ‘You My Baby Daddy’.
* This is not meant to represent any real president but rather a Southern fried one, Darrell Hammond has played both Bush and Clinton therefore he is the obvious choice.
PRESIDENT Howdy y’all.
CROWD (yells) HOWDY!
PRESIDENT Now I could sit up here all day, jaw jackin’ about what once was and what is, but today we’re going to talk about what’s gonna be. I know for a fact the future can be kinda scary especially when you’re waiting for a piece of mail you don’t want.
DARIA (to herself) A half off subscription to Wet Hooters.
INTELLIGENSA PRICK (whispers to Daria) He means a Vietnam-era draft card you trog.
DARIA Really? Maybe you can answer this question of mine. How many fingers am I holding up?
We go to a reaction shot of the nerd. Daria smirks, then her eyes lock onto her parents in the audience. Jake is holding a video camera so she quickly puts her finger down.
TABITHA (off screen) And now, let us welcome our first randomly selected student speaker, Dar-I-uh Morgendorffer!
Daria takes to the stage. The microphone is set too tall for her so she takes a moment to readjust it.
DARIA Mr. President, in your campaign you said you wanted a college education
for all young people. Did you mean that or where you just jerking us around?
PRESIDENT I did! One, it’s crucial to the economy, two as individuals the value off sets the cost-
Suddenly a giant banner unfurls from the rafters; it is ridden by Beavis and Butt-Head. The banner separates Daria from the President. The boys are on the president side of the giant “Thanks for coming!” banner.
PRESIDENT What’s goin’ on?!
BUTT-HEAD Um, if you don’t tell anyone we did that we’ll give you a dollar.
Daria walks around the banner.
DARIA (high-pitched) Beavis and Butt-Head!
BEAVIS Hey Diarrhea. We got lost.
PRESIDENT Did you do that just to meet me?
BUTT-HEAD Um…okay.
PRESIDENT Well then.
The president stands so that Daria is obscured in the scene.
PRESIDENT These boys represent the
future of this great country. They did not wait for selection but rather
selected themselves to meet me. They chose an objective and rode until the end.
Truly an inspiration to their nation and their generation! I declare these two
boys
Video Camera POV- massive clapping and flash bulbs going off. This is instantly replaced by the Sick, Sad World Logo.
SSW ANNOUNCER Why do ghosts scream at night? Apparitions who fear the dark coming up on the next Sick, Sad World!
SCENE: REELING IN THE YEARS (MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM)
The TV screen goes black. We pull out to see Daria wedged between Helen and Jake on the sofa in the living room.
DARIA They never gave me my two dollars back.
JAKE I am still so proud of you!
HELEN Wasn’t that great Daria? My daughter met the president!
DARIA (mumbles) And then I met his vice.
She hops off the couch.
DARIA Well my punishment is over so I’ll take my leave of you.
HELEN Not so fast Daria.
She reaches over the side of the couch and brings up Daria’s school chocolate bar box.
DARIA You know you could have just executed me.
HELEN (smiles) Not in this state dear.
As she does the opening chords to You’re Standing on My Neck play up. She takes the box and exits the scene.
OPENING CREDITS
Song: Splendora’s You’re Standing on My Neck (Daria Theme Song)
An animated Daria is drawn into the scene. She looks kind of surprised and looks at herself. An animated Jane walks in too holding the first of the credits. They pass around credits; get them dropped on them, etc. In the end we pull out to see Jane at an easel doing the work with a big smirk on her face. (Think Looney Tunes)
BCM-7 PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS:
DARIA DISENFRANCHISED PART II
SCENE: LATE OR EARLY (LANE RESIDENCE)
The Getaway People’s She Gave Me Love plays on the ‘Lexus’ radio. It gets lower in volume as Daria distances herself from the car.
An establishing shot of the Lane Homestead at
Daria knocks on the door. No response. Again.
Same results. She pushes on the front door and it
swings open for her. Daria steps in and shuts the door after her. She fiddles
with the lock for a moment then gives up.
Once inside incredibly loud music, The Offspring’s All I Want is heard blaring from the basement, She Gave Me Love vanishes at this point.
Cut to the basement. The basement is similar to how it was on the show. Instruments are everywhere to denote this was a band practice. The Mystik Spiral banner is protruding from the washer.
Nick is looking through a catalogue on the stereo while Jesse and Trent talk at a card table. Max is grabbing a beer from the basement’s mini-fridge. The music is so loud only Jesse and Trent can hear each other.
MAX I think the power’s out
MAX (louder) The power’s out ‘cause your beer is warm.
NICK After the song!
NICK What!
NICK Yeah!
The song ends. Nick yells out the last line.
NICK Okay!
MAX Not cool. Anyway
MAX Oh. Why didn’t you say so when I put them in?
MAX We can chalk that up to ‘no’ then.
NICK (referring to the magazine) Hey Max, what’s up with these mini-bongs?
MAX How should I know? I’m just an urban mystic; I can’t use the Force and look at the damn book from here!
NICK The… here’s the name- The ‘
MAX If they’re in that catalogue then they are.
JESSE Yeah?
He looks out the basement windows and sees its light.
TRENT Not night.
JESSE Yeah.
TRENT Do you ever get the feeling we have more passion for our art than we have art to show for our passion?
JESSE (indeterminate) Yeah.
MAX (sits down at the table) Its quality not quantity man. Nice quote though, who’d you hear that art/passion bit from?
TRENT It’s written on my forearm.
MAX Groovy.
NICK (calls over from the stereo) It was in a Rush song.
MAX How the Hell would you know?
NICK Because I know these things!
MAX Wussy.
NICK My sister loves Rush okay?!
TRENT Um guys, we came here to practice right?
MAX Kick ass. (takes a drink)
TRENT Did we even pick up our instruments tonight?
JESSE Yeah.
Dead air.
TRENT He’s completely trashed isn’t he?
JESSE Yeah.
Max snaps his fingers in front of Jesse’s face. No response.
MAX Sure we did
MAX My bad. Forgot, we didn’t get pizza last time. That was the…the… it happened once okay? If all else fails we’ll call ourselves the Howard Street Social Club, bring strippers and beer down here once a week and throw on Behind My Eyelids.
TRENT The player is busted.
MAX My bad again.
TRENT We got to do something. We have to keep our eyes on the prize.
MAX (drains his beer) So you want we should get behind those instruments and kick out the jams?
MAX Cool, but first let’s hit a drive-thru I’m starving.
JESSE Yeah. (pause) Is it time for Oprah? (pause) I have issues.
NICK I call shotgun!
We follow Nick over to the stairs. Daria is standing at the top of them.
TRENT Hey Daria, when did you get here?
DARIA (slightly nervous) Um, after the good part I’m sure.
TRENT You missed the practice.
MAX Or maybe she just showed up early for the next one.
DARIA (slightly nervous) I came to see if Jane was down here, guess not. Is she up?
JESSE Which one?
DARIA A little after the first one.
TRENT Probably not. Of course she
sometimes doesn’t go to sleep until after the first one.
DARIA Thank you
Daria starts to leave the basement.
SCENE: REINTRODUCING
DMX’s Lose My Mind blares on Jane’s stereo.
We start in tight on a blissfully sleeping Jane sprawled out on her bed. Her stereo is turned down considerably. Jane jumps as Daria’s banging begins. Daria is banging on a pot with a spoon. Jane’s room is a tangled mess of clothing and art supplies. On her easel is a half finished portrait of John Belushi.
DARIA (quickly and mechanically) Reveille. Reveille. Reveille. All hands heave
out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lited. The
uniform of the day is whatever doesn’t smell. Reveille.
Reveille. Now reveille.
Jane is very groggy still but sitting up right with her eyes shut. She mumbles some gibberish in Spanish.
JANE I hope that’s not the wok.
DARIA Trent says good morning.
JANE What’s he doing up?
DARIA Bribing me to annoy you.
JANE What are you doing here?
DARIA Annoying you.
JANE Besides the obvious?
DARIA Like I said the other night we have work to do.
JANE Ah-ha. You said we where working today, I didn’t.
DARIA It was implied since you got me into this.
JANE Your parents punished you not me.
DARIA You coerced me into the candy sales.
JANE You killed my lone wolf image.
DARIA You need a passing grade on your math test.
JANE Damn.
SCENE: EASY RIDER (LANE RESIDENCE/
Downstairs Lane residence.
NOTE: We can see the black stem of a pair of sunglasses hanging out the pocket of her red over shirt.
JANE (to
He smirks.
DARIA (sniffs) I don’t think that shirt was from the fresh pile.
JANE Who are you my mother?
DARIA How would your mother know what you wore this week?
JANE I’d renounce our friendship if those words weren’t so true. That’s why I like you.
They exit the house. The Tank is gone. Jane sees the wrecked art thing on the lawn and they stop.
Baz Luhrman’s Wear Sunscreen is on the Lexus’ radio. Jake is speaking along with it as he picks his ears.
JANE Oh I’m preparing a Roman dinner tonight for Trent and the boys.
DARIA Wouldn’t cyanide be easier?
JANE Too pricey.
DARIA Not asking.
JANE You’re a smart one, you know that? (Shifts her focus to Jake) That’s your Dad?
DARIA Mom went butch.
JANE (malicious grin) Rogue Two standing by.
DARIA Attack Pattern Delta.
Jane takes lead before Daria and hops in the front seat of the car.
JANE Shotgun!
Daria gets in the back.
DARIA Cobain.
JAKE (laughs) Hey girls.
JANE Mr. Morgendorffer I presume.
Jake offers her a handshake.
JAKE Jake Morgendorffer!
These last three lines are voiced over as we watch them drive off.
JAKE What’s a Cobain?
JANE Seat behind shotgun.
JAKE Eeeeewwww.
SCENE: LOITERING AIN’T EASY (ABBY TERKHULE EXTERIOR)
“Weird Al” Yankovic’s Genius in France plays us in.
Morgendorffer Consulting. It’s in a
nice, new business center of slick glass and stucco construction with a large,
lit road side sign reading “
A pair of lawn chairs are in front of Jake Morgendorffer Consulting, Inc. In between the chairs is a quadruple stack of candy bars. Jane is setting up an easel and Daria is sitting in one of the chairs reading the newspaper.
JANE So nice of your dad to let me borrow this.
DARIA Making a motivational poster?
JANE If by ‘motivational’ you mean ‘money making’ then yes.
Jane takes a Sharpie and starts using it on the easel.
DARIA You’re psychotic and I’m bland, by
JANE (smirks) Let me worry about that Rogue One.
DARIA (groans) We should have watched Joe’s Apartment instead of Empire last night.
JANE (singing) Welcome to Joe’s Apartment- Apartment- Apartment! His place is my place too!
DARIA Please don’t waste your angelic singing voice on
my uncaring ears.
Jane moves to retort but pauses and thinks before speaking.
JANE Daria… You’ve inspired me.
Jane works quickly as she and Daria trade words then she turns her easel towards us; Daria has her back to it and therefore can’t see it.
DARIA Is it just me or are you more annoying than usual this morning?
JANE You awoke the sleeping giant Daria, now whose fault is that?
On the easel Jane has drawn an arrow pointing to Daria and these words:
ALBANIAN WAR ORPHAN
Choir girl lost her formerly angelic singing voice to a burst of SKS fire.
Please help her rebuild her dream of a student coffee house.
We accept payment in USD, Euro, Imperial credits, yen, Ringot
Malaysian and MWR bucks. No Canadian “money” please.
We are willing to barter.
Sorry, no lay aways.
Jane beams at her work. Soon a middle-aged mother walks by; she stops and reads the sign.
MOTHER You poor dear! I’ll take two!
Daria gets her two candy bars; Jane moves the easel around so she can’t read it.
DARIA Thank you ma’am.
The mother leaves and Daria continues to read.
JANE You sell yourself short too often.
DARIA I saw your sign.
JANE If I’m going to be out here for a few hours I want something to show for it. Though the sign isn’t original, my sister Penny did it to me back when we where little. Except she had mom paint a cool fake scar on me.
DARIA You mean you don’t have a real one in the right place?
JANE The real one wasn’t believable enough. (chuckles) Scared the hell out of Wind. (imitates Wind) Sure I’ll take- Oh God! Janie! Janie! Speak to me! Call an ambulance!
DARIA And like all good stories this one ended with ‘Officer, it’s all a big misunderstanding.’
JANE Finally, someone who gets it!
DARIA I find it hard to imagine your parents being in the same place at the same time long enough to produce four children.
JANE My parents paths cross from time to time in their travels.
DARIA How often did they recognize each other?
Madeleine, a female massage therapist walks by, stops and backpedals.
MADELEINE Candy and for a good cause!
Daria shoots Jane a look.
JANE Yeah, it’s for school but my little friend here adds some extra pep to the situation.
MADELEINE Well, I’m out of cash or I’d buy something now, tell you what, I have a customer coming by in 15 minutes, half an hour or so later I’ll be done with him and I’ll buy some off of you then. How does that sound?
JANE Great. What is it that you do now?
MADELEINE I’m a licensed massage therapist.
JANE Then I have a better idea.
Jane grabs a handful of candy bars from the box and hands them to the lady.
JANE Is this about fifteen minutes worth?
MADELEINE Reckon.
JANE I’ll be back in fifteen Daria.
Daria ignores Jane as she leaves with the therapist. Soon Andrea the Goth walks by holding up a sign for the Lawndale Flea Market. She’s wearing a ball cap to hide her face. She and Daria trade glances. She calmly walks up to Daria and hands her a dollar. Daria goes for the candy box.
ANDREA It’s not for that.
DARIA You where never here.
Andrea drops Daria the buck and leaves the area. Daria puts the money in the
change box.
TED (off screen; in Russian)
Daria looks up to see Ted Dewitt-Clinton.
DARIA No hablo.
TED (rapid Spanish)
DARIA Not that either.
TED Oh, you speak our tongue! That’ll make this transaction easier! I haven’t practiced my Russian since last spring and I was a little worried if I was using a dialect you’d understand, you see I don’t know Albanian but I used to known the Ukrainian-
DARIA I don’t mean to be rude but the candy bars are a dollar a piece.
TED Okay, I’ll take five.
He pulls out a ticket to the renaissance faire and hands it to her.
DARIA I’m not wearing bells or tights so why would I take this?
TED The ticket is worth five dollars!
DARIA Yes- but you’re not taking deprecation into account.
TED Oh. True. Well at the current rate-
DARIA New policy- hard currency only.
TED Okay then.
He offers her a Euro.
TED I’ll take one, and I’ll need twenty cents back. Don’t worry, that’s correct, I checked this morning.
SAM (off screen) Sorry turdwad, she’s all sold out to you.
We whip over from Daria and Ted to see a quartet of Oakwood High linebackers clad in red and white varsity jerseys. They are headed by Sam Stack, their quarterback. He speaks with a slight Southern drawl. Behind them, pulled into the fire lane, is their gold 1996 Chevy Caprice.
DARIA In your case maybe.
SAM Some kind of wiseass are ya? Say something funny for the boys, maybe we’ll take some of that crap you’re hocking.
DARIA I would but… I used up my good sarcasm the other day on someone undeserving. I’m fresh out.
SAM Fresh out or out of fresh?
DARIA Do you want to buy something or does this young man need to tell you how trade works?
TED Could I?!
SAM We’ll take your candy but we ain’t buyin’.
JOE (to Ted) Beat it punk before I beat you.
One of the players makes a move for Daria’s candy box and money box. The other two and Sam are hassling Ted.
DARIA What do you think you’re doing?
JOCK What ya think I’m doing? Ignoring your cookies for the good stuff!
He takes the candy bars and money box while holding Daria at bay. Screams are heard in the background, they are very girly. We see Ted twisting Sam’s arm.
TED Away with you rapscallion!
BUNKY We hate rap!
JOE Kick his ass!
The other two football players grab Ted and smack him around.
TED Avenge me!
Local H’s Fritz’s Corner kicks in and plays through, more or less syncing with the scene.
As Jock moves away from Daria he grabs the glasses off her face and flings them at a far off tree near the sidewalk. The footballers laugh and make off with the goods, though they spill most of the chocolate on the ground. They toss Ted in the trunk of their car and lay rubber.
Daria, now virtually blind, stands immobilized for a long moment. Through her eyes we see the world as a blur. She closes her eyes and pinches herself on the hand. She opens her eyes again.
DARIA Kyort. (Russian for ‘damn’.)
She turns, with her arms out in front a bit to go inside Morgendorffer consulting. She bangs into the door and yelps. Her hitting the door makes the little bell mounted above it jingle. Unseen to us Jake bolts from his position in the background and throws open the door to the lobby.
JAKE (off screen) Do you need to be- oh, hey Daria. Sold out already?
SCENE: …AND IT SURE AIN’T FUN (JMC INTERIOR)
Fritz’s Corner dies out when Jane enters.
The front room: very empty, there’s a second hand blue wool couch and chairs spread out around the room. Near the couch sits a coffee table with old copies of American Bride, YM and GQ. Also in the room are a badly maimed plastic tree and a bare coat rack. Along the back wall is a door with a frosted glass window and the words “Jake Morgendorffer, Founder” painted on it.
Daria sits on the couch with her head bowed. The gathered up candy bars are in a plastic Food Lion bag on the table. Jane walks in looking very relaxed.
JAKE (calling from his office) Do you need to be consulted?
JANE (yelling) I’m good. (normal to Daria) Well that was going well until her jackass appointment barged in at a very convenient time. (notices the bag) You’ve got to tell me your sales secret.
DARIA Some football players stole a dozen bars and a geek.
JANE And a geek?
DARIA Between you and them it feels like I’m paying for all of this out of my own pockets.
JANE At least we don’t have to pay Li back for the geek.
Daria gives Jane a glare.
JANE They’ll probably just ride around the old quarry with him in the trunk then dump him at the nearest Maxi-Mart.
DARIA That happens more often than you’d think.
Jane takes a seat beside Daria.
JANE Okay, details.
DARIA A couple of jocks in red and white varsity jackets beat up on this blonde kid who was trying to barter with me and pay in Euros, thank you, and then ran off with a bunch of candy.
JANE Four jocks in red and white jerseys gave you a hard time?
DARIA I didn’t specify numbers but yes.
Jane smiles and gets up.
DARIA Jane…
Jake is behind his desk on the phone as Jane walks in. He motions for her to be quiet before she can speak.
JAKE Yeah, yeah. (laughs) That’s great, Terry! Wonderful and I couldn’t agree more.
As Jake goes for a long moment without speaking Jane comes up to the desk and puts her hands on her hips.
JAKE Yeah, well it was my idea.
Jake prattles on before Jane gets tired of humoring him. It’s obvious no one is on the phone with him.
JANE I need to be consulted.
Jake slams the phone down and gives Jane his full attention.
JAKE On what? I’ll give you the student discount but I don’t necessarily come cheap. Just a heads up, though I am very glad for the business.
Jane over-exaggeratedly leans over the desk.
JANE It’s a little matter.
She picks up the phone and points to it.
JANE Should I ask to borrow this phone or your cell?
We cut to Daria in the front room. She is reading The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, the Unbeliever. Jane leaves Jake’s office.
JANE Let’s roll.
DARIA What was that all about?
JANE In due time amiga, but first… let’s take a break.
As she speaks Daria gets up and tucks the book back into her jacket.
DARIA Well we could kill time at the flea market the school Goth paid me not to mention her advertising.
JANE I forgot all about the flea market, we’ll have to thank her for that later.
DARIA I was joking.
JANE (smirks) I’m not.
DARIA Your mood just got more insufferable.
JANE Insufferabler.
You’ll thank me later, I assure you.
Jane opens the front door for Daria.
SCENE: FLEA FOR YOUR LIVES! (FLEA MARKET)
The Goo Goo Doll’s Slave Girl plays us in.
The Flea Market: A makeshift tent city in the parking lot of the city park. It’s completely packed; there are a few vendors in the mix selling food. We do a few establishing shots of various tents hocking every kind of mindless crap imaginable from old record collections to pogs.
As we begin Daria and Jane are standing next to the Filipino-American (Fil-Am) Association booth and are passing between them a chicken shish kabob as the scene unfolds.
DARIA How could I have afforded to miss a minute of this?
JANE How could we? The Chia Pets are blooming and the
dregs of society are congregating and swapping crap!
DARIA You must feel right at home.
JANE I don’t mind being trailer park royalty.
DARIA Keep telling yourself that after kid number six.
JANE I’ll be a senior by time that one hits. Hey, you lived
in
DARIA Contrary to ignorant east coast beliefs not everyone in
JANE It was worth asking. So….
DARIA (sighs) Take a left, past the stop light and turn off
the paved road.
JANE Was that so hard?
Daria doesn’t respond.
JANE Well I had to get even somehow.
DARIA Are we?
JANE Your coarse comments are a dime a dozen, so while
gems they’re pretty worthless. Mine on the other hand are pretty rare therefore
worth more.
DARIA Like when I smile vice you?
JANE Yeah. So we’re pretty even. More or less.
They come to a tent of VHS and Beta tapes and stop. Daria politely motions Jane in first.
DARIA I insist.
They go to work looking through the various cardboard boxes of tapes. Jane is going through one marked “Art” when her eyes light up. We can’t see what she has when she holds up the top of a red video box to her nose and inhales. (think wine connoisseur)
JANE Vintage. Very Soviet. No wait… East German bootleg. Circa nineteen-seventy- no, it lacks the musk.
She whips the tape out of the box and stares at it. Daria is looking elsewhere
until noted.
JANE Daria.
DARIA Jane.
JANE I’m thinking of having a foreign film festival tonight, you game?
DARIA Sure.
JANE I’m bringing a 1981 bootleg of a 1930’s classic.
DARIA Jane, the “Mexican” version of Dracula was made in
JANE Oh yee of little faith. I’m talking about an epic tale of class struggle as symbolized through food. Andrew Sakarinski’s Last Meal. What do you have?
Daria turns to face Jane but we can’t see her selection.
DARIA A Shakespearean tale of vengeance and
retribution that, for better or worse, restarted an entire genre.
Daria holds up a copy of Mad Max.
JANE And people think you’re the classy one.
As this is said Last Meal falls out of its box and hits the ground with a crack. The girls look around; Jane rams the tape in its box and shoves it in the bottom of Art box.
DARIA What people are you referring to?
JANE You know, “those” people.
DARIA Define “those”.
JANE Those, Them, They. The Others.
DARIA The one’s we’re not like.
JANE Yeah.
DARIA That doesn’t really narrow anything down.
JANE True, but still, I hear people talk, sometimes about us and what we do when our audience is gone.
DARIA We set up for a fifth season.
JANE What else is there for the in crowd to talk about?
DARIA Do we really want to go there?
JANE Exactly, we’re interesting. Even they know their lives and interests suck.
As they talk Jane whips out a pair of Ray-Ban Wayfarer sunglasses (Blues Brothers, Risky Business) from her shirt pocket and puts them on.
DARIA I’ll give you that and you are the most interesting person in town; besides
the guy with a hook for a hand.
JANE And that’s why I hear ‘em mostly talk about you.
DARIA Where the Hell are you when you hear this stuff?
JANE Around in non-descript places.
DARIA You’ve been hanging around the second floor
girl’s bathroom haven’t you?
JANE How the hell else am I suppose to know when they’re plotting?! Besides, it’s even dumber, therefore funnier sometimes than it is in a place like this.
DARIA That explains your recent drop in IQ.
JANE Like when those boys came to visit-
DARIA We’re even now remember?
JANE Belay my last. Anyway, you get more air time than me. They know what kind of freak I am.
Daria looks at Jane inquisitively.
JANE Super. You’re quiet and boring.
DARIA So they brighten up their ho-hum lives with a
little illusion about what I’m really like.
JANE That cousin of yours wasn’t very helpful in that department. Speaking of which, can I see the hickeys Butt-Head left?
DARIA Of course you can Jane. They’re on the toe of my right boot. Want to get in for a close inspection?
SCENE: SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVILS (FLEA MARKET)
We fade into a later time. The Rolling Stone’s Gimme Shelter plays on a radio.
The girls are at a
record tent. Daria is holding up a copy of
RANDY So you wanna buy this?
DARIA Actually I wanted to ask a few questions first.
RANDY Shoot. I was never huge into ‘em
but
DARIA I bet they did but what I want to know is about this record’s potential
shrapnel hazard.
RANDY What?
Jane steps into the scene with a stack of records in her hands.
JANE We’re going skeet shooting later and these are
much cheaper than clay pigeons.
Gimme Shelter changes to the Rolling Stones’ Sympathy for the Devil.
We watch the girls get chased from the tent by Randy with a Yamaha knock-off Strat. They quickly revert to a fast walk from a sprint.
JANE And he calls himself a rocker! (yells at Randy) Yamaha sucks!
DARIA I’m never letting you talk me into that again.
JANE That was your idea.
DARIA I only suggested that to get away from those stoners you started talking to.
JANE Its crap like that that fuel the rumors.
DARIA To Hell with rumors and other
people. I just got chased out of a tent by a fat man with a guitar.
JANE It was an imitation guitar.
DARIA And to think he could have done it with body odor alone.
JANE You got to admit though, those stoners knew their ‘Weird Al’. I was impressed.
Daria takes a coin from her pocket and flips it to Jane.
DARIA Jane, shiny object.
JANE You know, I’ve been trying to get you to relax all morning and I’m sensing kind of an undercurrent of tension here.
DARIA Look Jane, I apologize if I’ve been terse with you. More terse than usual but it’s this damn candy drive. If I don’t meet the quota my parents are going to… do it.
JANE That’s twisted.
DARIA They’re going to make me join the Young Optimists and attend their summer camp.
Jane puts a hand on Daria’s shoulder but quickly pulls it off.
JANE I’m really sorry Daria. I am.
DARIA You say that but you don’t think it.
JANE You don’t want to know what I think.
DARIA Janie says… relax.
Jane flips the coin back to Daria, who is unable to catch it and won’t bend down to pick it up. Jane then leads Daria into another tent that is full of 70’s nostalgia.
JANE Know what I’m thinking now?
DARIA I have a bad feeling about this.
Jane rummages through a knick knack box. She finds a button and puts it on Daria who struggles.
DARIA Hey, what do you think you’re doing?!
JANE Don’t struggle, I might-
DARIA Ow!
JANE There!
We see Jane has affixed a yellow smiley face button to Daria’s lapel.
JANE Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?
DARIA Now it’s your turn to read my mind.
Jane takes the button off and sticks it back in the bin. The owner (CAMEO: ALVARO GONALEZ) comes into view a few tables back from the girls.
GROOVY MAN Hey, you can’t put that back! It has blood on it!
JANE (to Daria) Sorry, I’ll get you back later.
DARIA No, next it’s my turn.
Daria leaves the foreground to deal with the owner then she looks at stuff near
him until further notice. Marcy Playground’s The Devil Song plays up as
Jane looks at a John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever painted on black
velvet. She takes off the sunglasses at this point.
JANE Disco fever.
TOM (off screen) It was an epidemic, wasn’t it?
Jane turns to see a young man with his hands jammed in the pockets of his cargo pants beside her. She turns her attention back to the picture as she talks.
JANE I was just thinking this was a waste of black velvet.
TOM I wasn’t aware there was a good use for black velvet.
JANE Oh yeah, I mean this- you could fit a quadruple helping of young Elvis or a single old on it.
TOM (sings) Since my baby left me.
He shakes to it.
JANE I wonder why.
TOM What would you prefer?
JANE Something a little more last decade. Or this one. Whatever.
TOM (clears his throat) Take my love and take my land, take me where I cannot
stand.
JANE (laughing) Yadda, yadda, yadda. Can’t take the sky from me. You can stop now.
TOM For a quarter I can hum Nirvana.
JANE For two you can stop all together.
TOM I’ll give.
Jane goes back to staring at stuff on the wall; she sidesteps while staring at the painting.
JANE The eyes always seem to be just to the left of me.
TOM Wonder where it would stare if you held up a hair
product.
JANE It’d probably reach out and fight me for it. Optically speaking.
Tom waits for to speak again but when she doesn’t he makes his move.
TOM Can we trade names now?
JANE Eh. Jane de la Lane. You?
TOM No. I’m Thomas Sloane, esquire.
JANE Knight in training?
TOM That’s a squire.
JANE Oh, the cheap Fenders.
TOM I was going to say like the magazine but I’ll buy that. Judging from our little exchange I’m guessing you’re not here for any serious purchases.
JANE Guilty, you?
TOM As much as I love Travolta on black velvet not really. Wanted to see what kind of freaks where here.
JANE What am I?
TOM You’re their queen.
JANE Guilty again.
Daria comes back into the scene with a pair of web belts in her hands.
DARIA I just got us a good discount on some used ammo belts. My parents-
TOM Hello.
DARIA Do you mind, this is a private conversation.
TOM I was about to say the same thing.
JANE Daria, this Tom. He’s here for the same reasons we are.
DARIA The cheese fries? (to Tom) They’re three tents the other way. (to Jane) Mom will give me $25 not to wear-
TOM You’re some kind of crass.
DARIA Nothing personal Tom, but I make it a point not to
interact with the kind of people you meet in a flea market.
TOM I was just saying the same thing to Jane. (to Jane) A pleasure meeting you.
He pulls a business card from his pocket and hands it to Jane then exits. Daria plays innocent.
JANE Anyone ever told you that you have a certain way with people?
SCENE: LHS VS. OHS BS (LHS FOOTBALL FIELD)
Kula Shaker’s Hush plays us in.
LHS’s football field has high concrete
bleachers to one side with an announcer’s booth dead center atop it. The other
side is open to the parking lot and highway. At present
We start with the OHS quarterback, Sam Stack, getting slammed into by Kevin
Thompson and Mack McKenzie. We cut to Kevin doing a victory dance, Mack looks
pleased as he and Kevin high five.
KEVIN Yo Mack Daddy!
Mack’s countenance turns sour. We see the cheerleaders doing their thing. We cut to Daria and Jane sitting calmly in the bleachers as everyone around them goes wild. Jane is eating a candy bar. The song fades out here.
JANE You know this would be a lot more interesting if their pads where filled with fake blood packets.
DARIA What wouldn’t be?
JANE Wacky morning DJ’s.
DARIA What if the blood wasn’t squibs?
JANE I take it back then. Upchuck.
DARIA How wouldn’t he be more interesting?
JANE I wouldn’t find him any more interesting but I’ll be damned if the sight of him erupting with squibs wouldn’t be amusing as all hell. Of course if it wasn’t squibs…
DARIA I believe that’s why God invented the flight of stairs.
JANE I was talking CGI effects Ms. Psycho, but I like the way you think. Of course there are a few more quick, though not as amusing means to that end.
DARIA We don’t want him dead, just bleeding a lot.
JANE Hey, he screwed with my house money, the stuff that keeps Trent and I off the streets.
DARIA Except when you can’t find your keys.
JANE That’s why I gave you a set… and there’s a
crowbar behind the trash can. The neighbor understands.
DARIA Your neighbor is stoned.
JANE Same difference.
We cut to Sam Stack getting plowed again and taken off the field on a stretcher.
UPCHUCK (on the PA) Oakwood’s Sam Stack felt the Lion’s
claws that time.
The ref blows his whistle.
UPCHUCK (on the PA) That’s the end of the first half! In a few minutes I personally will be bringing you the half time show.
In the meantime we see the cheerleaders take to the field and the marching band starts up with Booker T. & The MG’s Philly Dog.
JANE Adios Senior Stack.
DARIA For an unpopular person you make friends easy.
JANE Cult of personality baby. Besides, helping us out was the least the therapist could do after Sam barged in on my session.
DARIA The way he’s moving now I doubt he’ll be able to barge in on anyone for a week.
JANE To ten days, unless he comes back to her sooner. Then we can count on two weeks. I think there’s a lesson to be learned from all this.
DARIA Screw with us and we’ll sic a massage therapist who dabbles in reflexology on you?
JANE I think that’s the one. Big win all around I’d say.
DARIA On the one hand we just helped our home team win but on the other we managed to indirectly hurt somebody who deserved it.
JANE Yeah. (pause) Which one was the positive again?
DARIA The second one.
JANE Just making sure.
DARIA Then again, it’s a Saturday afternoon and we’re at a football game.
JANE We’ve seen enough of our handiwork in action. Let’s hit the arcade.
DARIA What about the candy bars?
JANE Don’t worry, they’ll still be unsold when we’re done.
She takes a bite from her bar. Daria looks at it, then Jane. Jane plays innocent and casually tosses the candy bar over a shoulder. Upchuck dressed as a magician, is leaving the announcer’s booth and as he walks out he sees what Jane did. He picks up the bar and runs it under his nose.
UPCHUCK Ahhh…
He tosses it over his shoulder; it bounces off the booth and lands where he is about to step. Insert painful noises and screams halfway down the hard concrete bleachers here. Daria and Jane watch in horror.
We hear a jumble of voices all over lapping saying:
Call an ambulance!
Get help!
It’s just Upchuck!
Finally, some pig’s blood!
He’s dead!
Jane mouths the word ‘squib’.
SCENE: IN MEMORANDUM (LHS HALLS)
The Foo Fighter’s Generator plays us in.
We open on a wreathed portrait of Charles Ruttheimer III, which is itself surrounded by flowers and
discarded red flyers. The memorial is posted outside of the auditorium whose
open doors are hemorrhaging students that are either bereaved or, if they knew
Chuck, completely apathetic. We watch
BRITTANY Why couldn’t I like him more?!
KEVIN Oh man, I kicked his ass for spying on you! I mean if he’d just shared the pictures it would have been cool but-
KEVIN Oh man!
MACK Kevin, calm down. It’s okay.
KEVIN No it’s not okay! Like maybe I didn’t… something… so he couldn’t get up there…
MACK Please don’t say you didn’t kick his ass hard enough.
KEVIN Oh man! Now I’m a wussy weakling too!
Kevin cries harder and louder. Mack becomes uncomfortable.
MACK Hey Kevin,
JODIE Apologize for being you.
KEVIN But I’m no good at that…that…emotional chick stuff. Could you talk to her Jodie?
Jodie looks at Mack with a ‘yeah right’ gaze. Mack makes a few hand gestures, like as in a football play. Jodie grins and quickly moves off.
KEVIN Man, now your chick left too! (puts his hand on Mack’s shoulder) We’re like a bunch of losers now!
MACK (to himself) Well that back fired. (removes Kevin’s arm) You- We are not losers; we won the game didn’t we?
KEVIN But we lost the war!
MACK Okay, we’re done now.
Mack leaves the scene.
KEVIN Et tu Mack Daddy?
MACK (off screen) Stop calling me that!!!
We move from Kevin to further down the stream of students to Daria and Jane. Daria looks no different but Jane has a markedly more sullen appearance.
DARIA It’s too bad we never got to meet the Charles Ruttheimer Ms. Li was talking about. It would have been an improvement over the one we knew.
JANE (quiet) Yeah.
Daria’s next comment has a slight reaction to Jane’s demeanor.
DARIA …but then again he really didn’t have a bar set.
JANE Yeah.
DARIA Are you okay?
JANE I hold the power supreme, how could I not be?
DARIA Jane we had nothing to do with what happened. We saw him toss the bar down-
JANE It was my bar.
DARIA From my bag, so now we’re evenly to blame. Jane-
Jane walks away from Daria with a quickened step. Daria starts after her and struggles to keep up.
DARIA Jane!
JANE I’m going running.
Daria stays silent.
JANE What, you don’t wanna tag along?
DARIA I couldn’t keep up with you if I was driving.
JANE Something else I’ll have to teach you someday. Later.
Daria watches Jane take off. Andrea comes up to Daria and taps her on the shoulder.
ANDREA Hey, you’re Daria, right?
DARIA Who wants to know?
Andrea hands Daria a five and a piece of notebook paper.
DARIA You don’t have to keep paying me.
ANDREA I figured I owe you some of this for Upchuck. Teabag’s little sister said you and your friend did him in so I owe you this much.
DARIA (indignant) I didn’t do him in! That moron slipped on a piece of chocolate he tossed to the ground.
ANDREA You and your friend tossed it first.
DARIA And Ms. Li gave it to me.
ANDREA But Li didn’t wish him dead before he died.
Daria shoves Andrea’s money and paper back in her hands.
DARIA I don’t want your money or-
ANDREA It’s the rest of my dead pool list.
DARIA Argh!
Daria leaves the scene now.
ANDREA (calls after Daria) Think about it Voodoo!
We pan over a bit back into the stream of students and briefly pause on the 3 J’s.
JEFFY Bummer!
JOEY Like big time!
JAMIE Yeah!
JOEY I’m gonna go get tanked.
JAMIE Me too!
JEFFY I’ll bring Madden!
JOEY Um, in like the dead guys honor.
JAMIE & JEFFY Yeah!
We pan further over to see the Fashion Club moving in their usual formation. Stacy is bawling uncontrollably but the others look to be in control of themselves.
QUINN That was so sad!
SANDI No one should die like that.
QUINN No one should die looking like that!
SANDI That’s what I meant.
SANDI At least it was red.
QUINN And the top hat kept his brain in, or so I heard from Brian who over heard Teabag telling Angie about it cuz’ his cousin works at Marcil & Johnson Memorial.
SANDI We should do something. I know it.
QUINN Well we could try get something named after him, like the announcer’s booth.
STACY (sniffling) But Upchuck would be an icky name for anything!
TIFFANY Oh yeah.
QUINN That wasn’t really his name… I think.
SANDY Ohmigod I so didn’t mean that!
Quinn pats Sandi on the shoulder.
QUINN Maybe we could take up a collection and get something built in his honor.
TIFFANY Padded stairs.
SANDI Tiffany dear, that’s not feasible since the padding would get stuck in my heels.
TIFFANY Sorry.
QUINN We could do something in the spirit of Up- him. Like…um…
SANDI We could give makeovers and fashion advice to the people like him.
QUINN Oh that is so smart Sandi!
SANDI I mean, his outfit was so hideous they had to close the casket!
We zoom back over to Daria who is approaching the science lab. Mr. O’Neill is quickly running towards her as best he can through the mass of students clogging the hall.
ONEILL Dorian! Dorian!
Daria keeps walking.
ONEILL I mean Dora!
DARIA (sighs) Close enough.
She stops and turns on her heel to face him.
DARIA Its Daria, Mr. O’Neill.
ONEILL Right, I’m sorry. I’ve been doing a little memory booster to help me remember student’s names. First I tried “Dorian Gray” for you but you wear black, similar but too complicated so I though “Dora the Explorer” since you’re so inquisitive at least that’s how I assume you got so-
DARIA I’m sorry sir but I’m pressed for time. I have a club meeting to attend
to.
ONEILL Right, anyway I know you’re already doing candy sales for the student coffee house but I was wondering if you’d be willing to do something else for us as well, a bit more in your milieu.
DARIA Not giving a damn?
ONEILL I was thinking maybe you could read one of your essays at the reopening!
DARIA Yeah well I’d like to but my whirlwind social schedule is all full up. I don’t know how I’d fit it in after all the clubs, associations, charities, walk-a-thons, science projects, swimming lessons, photography and candy sales.
ONEILL Oh I am so sorry Daria! I won’t bother you again!
O’Neill leaves the scene.
DARIA I’ll take the Vegas odds on that.
Southern Culture on the Skid’s Skullbucket plays us into the next scene.
SCENE: SCIENTIFIC STUFF (MS. BARCH’S CLASSROOM)
The students are all at their science centers, some still
showing a few signs of bereavement. Daria glances at the empty seat beside her.
Other notables in this class are
BARCH All right quit your whining; so another man is dead big deal. Even if your whining could bring him back he’d just die again, it’s what his violent, depraved, war mongering sex is good for. Now let’s start class.
*Barch’s class is based on The Lab Brat so her lecture will be omitted; with no student interaction it’s drier than Ben Stein on Clear Eyes. Even Daria isn’t paying attention.
Passage of time: From Daria’s POV- a few drowsy blinks as Barch talks. Soon she can’t stay awake and Barch becomes indistinguishable sound. Go to black. Daria nods off holding her head up with a hand. Kevin, at the next set of desks over is sleeping as well. Ms. Barch walks past Daria and slams a ruler down in front of Kevin’s face. He jumps awake.
KEVIN Hike!
As she talks Barch continues to walk through the class. Daria is still half asleep, rubbing it out of her eyes. After that she begins to clean her glasses off with a piece of cheese cloth, periodically stopping to look through them.
BARCH So this brings us to our next class project. You students will pair up and be issued a mouse. You will build mazes and condition a mouse to complete it based on positive or negative reinforcement. For those of you who slept through today’s class I understand.
(bitter tone)
Men have short attention spans unless the Broncos are playing, in which case they can pay attention to every punt and touchdown for 22 years straight, ignoring all other stimuli such as his undeserved wife’s affection and attention. Her working to keep his fat ass firmly planted on that couch until the day he decides why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free? For all of you miserable, lying, cheating, testosterone pumped chimps I have no remorse. This class will put you in your place even if society doesn’t!
(kinder tone, gets harder)
But I will reiterate since having an uneven mix of people randomly thrown into a room means I have to pander to the knuckle draggers otherwise the school board jumps on my ass failing too many students. It’s not my fault they’re all men. I call it natural selection at work! Not that…
Daria begins to fade out again before blinking back awake. From the edge of her vision we see Kevin jump up with his hand in the air. Daria comes to quickly after he talks.
KEVIN I want Daria!
Student snickering. Kevin sits down.
KEVIN Not like that. For science.
More laughing. Some of it is directed at Daria.
SCENE: LAB BRAT (MORGENDORFFER GARAGE)
Southern Culture on the Skid’s House of Bamboo plays
us into this scene. We begin with an exterior, daylight, shot
of
House of Bamboo dies out. The garage is a two car garage. Boxes and clutter ring the edges and in the middle of the room is a fold out table with wood and supplies for building a maze. The mouse is in a small cage on the table. On the floor beside the table is her book bag and bag of candy bars.
Daria is standing by the table double checking her hand drawn plan. She glances at the clock on the wall.
*In her next blurb Daria talks to herself and responds, the voice doesn’t change. She also paces around the table and makes very minor hand gestures to go along with her speaking when her hands aren’t behind her back or in her pockets.
DARIA At least Kevin is late. Of course giving him the wrong address probably
didn’t help much either. Kevin being Kevin he probably has no idea he’s late
for something. The big question is why did he want me to be his lab partner?
It could be that I’m being accepted by my peer group- Oh God, something must be wrong with me. I’m losing my edge.
No wait, settle down Daria. Maybe he lost some kind of bet, like something out of a bad movie.
That’s likely, but what’s more likely is that he needs a passing grade to stay on the team so he elected to work with me before I fully regained consciousness so I couldn’t oppose him.
But Kevin’s not devious; he lacks the capacity for it.
Good point.
I know that’s why I made it. But still, what if the first one is true?
Then I have a problem.
Besides talking to yourself?
You just have to state the obvious don’t you?
If I didn’t this wouldn’t be a very good self evaluation then would it?
Okay, you win. (end monologue)
QUINN (perky) Hi Daria!
Surprised Daria turns around to see Quinn and the whole Fashion Club in the door way leading to the house. They all have big smiles on.
SANDI We understand you have a problem.
DARIA Yes. Yes I do. I’m looking at them now.
QUINN We’re going to give you a make over!
STACY Fresh new attitude! Fresh new life!
TIFFANY In the spirit of the dead guy.
They cheerfully take a few steps toward her. Daria whips the glue gun off the table and points it at the Fashion Club. For a moment it’s a very western scene.
DARIA I swear I’ll use it.
QUINN Um, cousin Daria, that’s a hot glue gun.
DARIA Ever see what it can do to hair?
The FC cringes in fear and backs off then leaves and shuts the door behind them. Daria lets out a sigh and droops.
DARIA Okay, number one has been confirmed. I’m a ditz.
I guess it’s time to hang up my boots and buy a… skart, skurt, skort, whatever.
Don’t ever let me hear you say that again. (end monologue)
Daria puts the glue gun down and exits the garage into the house.
DARIA Maybe Jane will answer this time.
SCENE: TORA! TORA! TORA! (MORGENDORFFER INTERIOR)
Powerman 5000’s
Daria walks through the kitchen and gets the phone from the counter. She starts to dial. The music intensifies as she is suddenly grabbed by the Fashion Club. As they struggle there is a fair bit of yelling, among the words exchanged are:
Get her boots!
Get her hands!
Get her glasses!
Hand me the volumizer!
DARIA Hand me the hair spray!
Tiffany obliviously does. Daria points it in Sandi’s face, finger over the button when the doorbell rings and all the fighting stops. Everyone slowly gets up, backs off from one another and Quinn goes for the door. Daria underhand tosses Sandi the hairspray.
DARIA Touch me again and I will de-accessorize all of you with my bare hands.
Kevin and the 3 J’s enter the scene from the front door. As Daria and Kevin talk we hear the J’s sucking up to Quinn in the background.
KEVIN Yo Daria! I think you gave me the wrong address.
DARIA My mistake Kevin.
KEVIN I looked all over but I couldn’t find 1060
DARIA …Kevin, I didn’t tell you I lived at 1060
KEVIN Oh. Wonder where that came from?
SCENE: LAB BRATS (MORGENDORFFER GARAGE)
Splendora’s Reanimator plays us in.
We start in on a close up of Kevin’s head as he has his face right up the mouse cage. He’s trying to wiggle his finger into the cage to touch it.
KEVIN Here little guy. Come on. Come on.
Daria is trying to put together her maze as planned while Kevin dicks around. He accidentally knocks over the mouse cage; Daria turns toward him to catch it. He smiles foolishly and we see that he has the cage stuck on his index finger.
DARIA Kevin.
KEVIN Sorry, but its okay, see?
The mouse claws its way to the top of the cage and snaps Kevin’s finger. He yelps and shakes the cage; she stops him from flailing and yanks the cage off.
DARIA All right, there’s been enough physical comedy tonight for one life time.
KEVIN I said I was sorry, but the little guy bit me!
DARIA I have to ask, why did you want to partner with me for this?
KEVIN It was kind of a favor.
DARIA Is it the kind of favor that’s done when someone loses a bet?
KEVIN Nothing like that, but me and the guys heard about what you and that chick did to Sam Stack from Teabag’s little sister-
DARIA Who the hell is Teabag’s little sister?
KEVIN She was sitting next to you in the bleachers.
DARIA That’s it, I’m taking up sign language.
KEVIN So I decided I’d do you a favor and be your science partner to pay you back for helping the team. I mean, who doesn’t want to be seen with the QB? And since it’s a science project you can be seen with me but we’re not going anywhere so no one will see us and it’s cool.
DARIA If you heard that part from Teabag’s little sister then what about the part where Jane and I do in Upchuck?
KEVIN (shrugs) It was just Upchuck. I mean, Charles Ruttheimer the um…IV. Bummer but not, you know?
DARIA I know. Thanks Kevin for putting this situation back into perspective for me. For a moment I was afraid people were beginning to tolerate me.
KEVIN Why would we do that? Besides, I need a passing grade on this test or the coach will have to bench me!
DARIA Double thanks Kevin.
KEVIN You’re welcome!
2Gether’s The Hardest Part of Breaking Up (Is Getting Back Your Stuff) plays us into the next scene and keeps on playing since it’s on the radio.
SCENE: MORGENDORFFER TEMPTRESS (QUINN’S INTERIOR)
Quinn’s pink room. Ungodly amounts of pink. Everywhere. Beefcake posters on the wall. Cutesy nick-knacks and four girls adorn the room. The girls are sitting on the floor (Quinn, Stacy and Sandi) and bed (Tiffany) hovering over copies of Waif.
STACY Ohmigod- I want that nose!
TIFFANY It’s sooo tiny.
STACY Like a button! What do you think Quinn?
QUINN It’s cute.
SANDI Just cute? Are you saying that Tiffany and Stacy are getting excited over just cute?
As Stacy talks she gets flustered, red and starts to hyper-ventilate.
STACY But…we’re already cute? Right Quinn? I’m cute right? I mean at least cute enough?!
QUINN Please Sandi, we’ve already been through this- cute is cute. Otherwise I wouldn’t call it cute. Stacy’s cute.
STACY (calming down) Thanks.
TIFFANY But your runny mascara is so eewww….
Stacy squeals and runs out of the room. A moment later we hear her cry and shriek.
QUINN (yelling out to Stacy) Bathroom’s the first door; cousin’s room is the second.
STACY (off screen) Thanks!
TIFFANY Was it something I said?
SANDI Before scaring her off Quinn, I think Stacy may have been on to something. Remember Brooke?
QUINN Yeah, she was at that party a few weeks ago.
SANDI Well she says if she refers us to Dr. Shar we’ll get a discount.
TIFFANY (looking at the magazine) If only noses where interchangeable…
QUINN That would be so cool, I’d have a cute one, a super cute one and a really cute one for dates that are worth it!
SANDI You mean you have dates that aren’t worth it? That’s interesting.
QUINN Speaking of which, I have a couple of referrals for you.
SANDI That’s so interesting, I had
some for you too!
QUINN Robert.
SANDI Armando.
QUINN Armando made your rej- I mean referral list?
SANDI What’s that suppose to mean?
QUINN I didn’t know Armando ranked high enough for consideration.
Stacy comes back in, reasonable cleaned up around the eyes and sits back down where she was, this breaks the tension of the moment.
STACY Did I miss anything?
SANDI We where just talking. When is Jamie going to be up here with the chips?
QUINN I don’t know, I told him square crackers and Jamie said he’d go square some.
SANDI I don’t think he’s the brightest of the bunch.
QUINN Yeah but he brings me stuff which is better than being a brain or something.
SANDI Like that stuck up sister of yours?
QUINN My- my cousin you mean?
SANDI Yeah, that’s her. I still don’t see what Kevin sees in her.
STACY Maybe she has a good heart.
SANDI What?
STACY I saw it in Waif!
QUINN If you’re going to quote Waif Stacy then read the full article first.
STACY But it was a two parter! I only had time for one!
SANDI Whatever. The point is Kevin is down stairs with that freak of nature. If he wasn’t QB we’d have to call his popularity into question, possibly even drop him a few points.
STACY Maybe he’s doing something like our little makeover program.
SANDI (reprimanding) Stacy- (normal) You
may have something.
QUINN Actually that is what he’s doing. When he’s done with her we’re going to
do something.
SANDI Like what?
QUINN Things. Things that a boy and girl do.
Stacy and Tiffany giggle.
SANDI Well then, maybe you wouldn’t mind if I borrowed the other three for tonight then.
QUINN But they’re well…they’re kind of mine.
SANDI I’ll let you take my date with Brad on Tuesday.
QUINN Okay, I’ll let them know they’re on loan.
Quinn gets up and leaves the room. Sandi gets on her phone.
TIFFANY Who are you calling Sandi?
SANDI Brittany, she might like to know her man has been traded in.
STACY Isn’t that kind of-
Sandi stares her down.
STACY Eep! (pause) Can I borrow Jeffy? I mean, when you don’t need him?
SANDI All right. Because I can share without needing something in return.
STACY Thanks!
SANDI We’ll talk about the deposit after I make this call.
Sandi takes up the phone, she looks indignant.
SANDI (into phone) Quinn’s cousin or whatever, I need to use this line so get off.
She slams the phone down.
SANDI Some people are like so rude and selfish.
SCENE: HOT CHOCOLATE (MORGENDORFFER GARAGE)
Wall of Voodoo’s Mexican Radio can be heard playing on the radio in the garage throughout the scene.
Daria hangs up the kitchen phone and heads back to the garage. Kevin is at the table licking chocolate off of his fingers. A chocolate bar wrapper has been discard on the table.
KEVIN (finger in mouth) Hey Daria! I’m almost ready for the maze.
DARIA Those are my candy drive bars you’re eating!
KEVIN (fingers in mouth) Just the one, it was all melty from the glue anyway.
Daria sees he’s telling the truth. When she set down the glue gun it fell on its side and its drizzling melted glue onto the bag of chocolate. Kevin still has a finger in his mouth.
DARIA Dammit.
KEVIN (finger in mouth) It’s cool. I’ll pay you back. Um, I’m out of cash at the moment. But hey, you get to hang out with the QB!
DARIA There’s no off position on the fun switch here.
DARIA Would you like to phone a friend?
BRITTANY Crumpet!
Daria opens her mouth then decides to say nothing.
KEVIN (finger in mouth) It’s not what-
He tries to pull his hand out but finds it’s stuck.
KEVIN (finger in mouth) Help! I can’t get my finger out!
DARIA You’d have thought he’d know what happens when you eat glue by now.
BRITTANY Nice try Kevvy! You’re stalling.
KEVIN (finger in mouth) Really help! I’m stuck babe!
DARIA I think we’re done for tonight. If you two can take your domestic disturbance elsewhere that would be great.
KEVIN (finger in mouth) Babe look! Why would I go with her over you? You’ve got more body than she has brains. And I don’t even like brains!
BRITTANY Are you calling me stupid?
DARIA The door is that way.
KEVIN (finger in mouth) What?
DARIA Thank you, click it or ticket and winners don’t do drugs.
KEVIN (finger in mouth) Babe please, can you like call the hospital or something.
DARIA All right then. Don’t forget to turn off the lights on the way out.
Daria leaves the scene as the lovers continue to quarrel. She passes Quinn in
the kitchen.
DARIA Better luck next time Quinn.
KEVIN (off screen) Babe!
SCENE: CALLING ON JANE (LANE RESIDENCE)
Goo Goo Doll’s Black Balloon plays us in.
Night time at
The kitchen is empty, a half finished clay thing sits on the table as does its mess. Clay clogs the sink.
The living room looks like no one has inhabited it for years. No lights. Through the window in the backyard we can see the “Naming Gazebo”.
The basement also is empty and the lights are off. The radio is spewing static.
Back in the hallway faintly we can hear Stabbing Westward’s Save Yourself coming from a radio. Daria goes up the stairs and follows the light from the room at the end. The closer she gets to the room the louder the music gets.
SCENE: CALLING ON JANE PT. II (JANE’S INTERIOR)
The music is on full blast. Jane’s room is as it was. Jane sits Indian style on her bed with headphones and her sunglasses on. She’s dressed a bit lightly, regular shorts and a T-shirt.
*There is a digital clock on the headboard- the alarm is set.
DARIA Jane?
Jane sees Daria’s shadow and turns to her.
JANE Oh.
She pulls off the headphones and sunglasses.
JANE Um, hey Daria. Hey, how’s it going?
DARIA I’ve had better days.
Daria sits down on the chair near the bed. Jane turns down the radio by the
headboard. Jane’s dialogue here is tired and dodgy. She doesn’t want to talk to
Daria but she doesn’t want to tell her to leave either.
DARIA None of them recent. You?
JANE It’s a carnival of fun at
DARIA Well your petting zoo is over at my place making things intolerable.
JANE Don’t you mean intolerabler?
DARIA I believe that’s the term. I tried calling you earlier. Twice actually.
JANE I’d of answered but I can’t find the phone. Put it somewhere because it kept making noise. Hey, I got an idea.
She feels around her bed and soon pulls out a cell phone. She dials a number
into it and we can hear a muffled ringing coming from the closet. The sound is
coming from an old suitcase. Jane smirks and puts away the phone.
JANE There it is.
Dead silence for a moment.
DARIA Upchuck still bothering you?
JANE Up- Charles. (pause) Charles. (breathe) Up- No…dammit! (pause) Him. He’s still dead. Nothing’s changed since the memorial service.
DARIA About earlier, I’m sorry if I was… okay, I have nothing.
JANE And why should you? I hold the power supreme.
DARIA Will you please stop saying that? Look, I’m sorry he died, I’m also sorry
if I’m not making this easier on you. I didn’t realize-
JANE No, you didn’t care. You realize damn near every thing but you don’t care. There’s you and then there’s everyone else with me included.
Daria remains silent as she thinks about how to respond properly.
DARIA Jane-
JANE If we’re going to get into this I’m getting some water first.
Jane leaves for a while. Daria gets impatient, gets up and starts to pace. She sits on the bed and flips on the TV. Eminem’s Role Model (“My Name Is”) plays up subtly.
The Sick, Sad World logo appears on TV.
SW ANNOUNCER Why the hell is this always on? On the next Sick, Sad World!
Daria changes the channels and we see the opening credit crawl for “The Tracy Grandstaff Show” which cuts to a yellow cartoon family “The Eichlers”.
The next channel is Wendy Hoopes in an Airport! This turns into a paid advertisement for the Voice Actor’s Guild.
Jane comes back up with a glass of water. Daria turns off the TV. Jane sets the two glasses of water on the dresser.
DARIA You had nothing to do with Upchuck’s dying.
Just because you said it doesn’t make it so. I mean, Tommy Sherman’s not dead
yet is he?
JANE (smirks) True. But Robert Shapiro
is.
DARIA That was you?
Jane shrugs and gets up.
JANE Yeah, maybe. Sorry I came down so hard on you. I try not to think about it but every time I don’t I do. Maybe I should pick up a hobby, like not your giving a damn. Seems to work for you.
DARIA I’ve accepted what happened has happened. You’re just running from it.
JANE I know it’s just… I don’t like it when I say die and he does, and yes, I know, I keep telling myself that it doesn’t work that way. (very sarcastic) It’s all in my head and I’m not used to being this cerebral.
Daria stands up to reason with Jane.
JANE Settle down Daria that was good sarcasm.
DARIA Good?
JANE Positive I mean, it’s the “I’m getting over it and I really mean it so I’m okay enough to joke and occasionally not stop talking” sarcasm. Now what’s going to happen is I’m going to keep feeling bummed until I nod off and wake up in the morning absolved and ready to be attacked by a fresh new day.
DARIA Good, because well… I do care. Regardless of whether you think I do.
Jane puts her hand on Daria’s shoulder and smiles real big.
JANE Before you completely embarrass yourself there’s one last thing you should know Daria…
She leans in closer.
JANE You didn’t really think it would be this simple, did you?
SCENE: REALITY BITES (JANE’S INTERIOR)
Daria is sprawled out on Jane’s bed. The alarm is going off
and the TV is on in the background. “The MAXX” is playing. It’s
DARIA Dammit.
SCENE: THERE SHE GOES (LANE DOWNSTAIRS INTERIOR)
Daria is walking down the stairs.
DARIA Hey
TRENT You’re not Janie.
DARIA That’s a very astute observation, I mean-
Daria is at a loss for words, not wanting to offend
TRENT Hey it’s cool. As a matter of fact I was thinking about you last night.
DARIA Really?
DARIA Um… yes, well no. Not necessarily.
TRENT Cool. I want you to come to the Zon with us tonight because I think you’re perfect.
DARIA I…Really?
The moment is drawn out for a bit as Daria blushes and is at
a loss.
TRENT Yeah, you’re on the short side and pretty lithe, I bet you could get under the stage easy and help us set up some of the wires. You’re the perfect size for the job.
DARIA Oh. Um, yeah. Sure.
TRENT Cool, it’ll really be helping us out.
DARIA Yeah, what’s a fly girl for?
DARIA Did you happen to see Jane last night?
TRENT Where at?
DARIA Never mind.
TRENT Cool. Hey, wanna hang out?
DARIA I would, um…really. Really, but I have school otherwise yes.
TRENT That’s cool, my Uncle Max is a doctor and I have his stamp in my room. I can write you a doctor’s note and you can stay here. Jane does it all the time.
DARIA The secret to her solid C average.
TRENT Yeah, she makes me proud too.
DARIA That’s a great idea
DARIA More or less.
TRENT Guess that kills that plan.
DARIA Thanks anyway
TRENT Cool.
Daria keeps on toward the door.
TRENT Hey Daria, avoid the third stall on the second floor men’s room.
DARIA I’ll try.
She gets another few steps out.
DARIA I’ll do my best.
SCENE: I WANT CANDY (LI’S OFFICE)
Southern Culture on the Skid’s Dance for Me plays us in.
An establishing shot of LHS at mid-day.
LI (voice over) This is unacceptable!
We go into Ms. Li’s office where Daria faces off against the principal alone.
DARIA I apologize but it’s just not a seller’s market.
LI Slacker’s you mean! Ms. Morgendorffer, don’t make me call your parents.
DARIA What should I do then to sate you? I’ve already gone door to door and taken a lot of my own personal time to sell what I’ve sold so far.
LI Try some enthusiasm; a little goes a long way.
DARIA I am being enthusiastic.
LI If you believe that is enthusiasm then perhaps I should pencil you in for Mr. O’Neill’s self esteem class next week, to help you deal with your problem.
DARIA I don’t have low self esteem-
LI I bet you have low esteem for everyone else, don’t you?
Daria chooses not to respond verbally but we can tell she’s pissed.
LI I don’t care how it’s done but you will sell this candy or you will get no credit for the coffee shop endeavor. Understood?
DARIA I get the idea.
LI And I’ll let Mr. O’Neill he may have a new addition to his little after
school program.
DARIA I’ll do my part.
LI Of course you will, but your situation will be monitored. Dismissed.
SCENE: THE BREAK UP (LHS HALLS)
Dari exits Ms. Li’s and passes Kevin and Brittany, who are still arguing.
KEVIN But babe! It’s not like that!
BRITTANY It’s all over school you’re dating Daria and Quinn!
KEVIN Cool, twins.
BRITTANY It’s over Kevin!
KEVIN Oh yeah, well if it’s over then, where’s the fat lady?
KEVIN I’m not calling you fat!
Andrea comes near the pair and stops.
ANDREA Want me to hum a few bars?
BRITTANY He’s yours!
ANDREA (looks over Kevin) Five minutes alone will get you off my dead pool list.
SCENE: AFTER SCHOOL WITH QUINN (MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE)
Nerf Herder’s Van Halen plays us in.
Quinn and Helen are at the kitchen table, Helen is standing, Quinn is sitting. Helen’s open purse is on the table.
HELEN (angry) I can’t believe you’d steal from my purse!
QUINN Then don’t because I wasn’t! I was trying to get a mint!
HELEN I know you where trying to take money for that nose job you wanted and you are not getting it, do I make myself clear?!
Daria walks into the kitchen and freezes mid-step as Helen whirls around to face her. She’s caught in Helen’s crosshairs.
HELEN And was this about your not selling candy?! I swear, if this doesn’t work you will be going to camp and joining extra-curricular after extra-curricular activity until you get credit for one so help me!!!
DARIA Bad day at the office?
HELEN Daria Anne! You are going out right now and don’t come back until you’re out of candy.
QUINN You tell her Mom!
HELEN For attempted theft you’re helping!
The next line is delivered out of sync.
QUINN & DARIA Why are you punishing me like this?
HELEN Girls.
DARIA I get it. You only want one daughter. This way whichever one of us comes back is truly worthy.
HELEN No more complaining from either of you, now get out now!
Quinn skulks out along with Daria and in moments they are out the door. Daria touches Quinn’s red hair.
DARIA Nice pelt.
QUINN Oooohhhh!!!!
Helen sits down and exhales deeply. Her grimace turns into a bit of a smile and she laughs a little.
JAKE (off screen) Helen? Girls?
Helen gets up and grabs the stereo remote from the counter. Jefferson Airplane’s White Rabbit starts up on the stereo. She opens the cupboard and pulls out a bottle of wine and two glasses.
HELEN (sultry) In here Jake.
SCENE: BAKED GOODS II (
Fun Lovin’ Criminal’s Scooby Snacks plays us in.
We start looking at the inside of a white door with a little heart hung above the peep hole. The door opens and we are looking down at Daria and Quinn. Daria is holding up a box of candy.
DARIA Hi. We’re from Lawndale High.
FEMALE CUSTOMER VOICE Sorry, I already bought some.
The door is shut in the girl’s faces. Until noted the girls are on the sidewalk continuing down the street.
QUINN I can’t believe you couldn’t sell that lady anything!
DARIA You heard what she said.
QUINN She was lying. Do you know what all those unicorns in her house meant?
DARIA She’s a Replicant?
QUINN Why do you have to drag politics into this? Anyhoo, anybody with that many unicorns in her living room older than 21 is always in need of more consolation food!
DARIA Should I be worried that would you said made complete sense to me?
QUINN Your problem is that you’re going
about this all the wrong way- you’re trying to sell candy, what you should be
trying to do is sell you.
DARIA That’s not a bad idea. Maybe the next house will want you.
QUINN Daria, do you want to do this or not?
DARIA Want or need, it has to be done and we’re not going home until it’s done.
QUINN Look, you have to give them what they want and you want them to want you. The candy is like an extension of yourself, the one part they can have!
DARIA Gee, I figured you give out a bit more to your dates.
QUINN Well my dates tend to buy more than $2 of candy from me.
DARIA What would ten dollars buy me? A leg?
QUINN Ha-ha Daria.
DARIA I’m glad you find this amusing.
QUINN Let’s try this house.
DARIA I hate to ask but why did we skip the last four?
QUINN Cutesy mailbox, car port, stuff on lawn and gardener in plain sight. Stop playing so dumb Daria.
DARIA Okay, I’ll leave that to the professional.
They go to the door of the nearest house.
QUINN Now smile Daria.
Daria puts on a slightly disturbing grin.
QUINN Never mind. Just, effervesce if you can.
DARIA I can’t do that.
QUINN Then exude!
DARIA How about not?
QUINN Do something already!
DARIA You know what, forget this. I don’t care.
Daria gives Quinn an off glare and straightens up as Mr. DeMartino comes to the door holding a butcher knife and wearing a perspiration soaked under shirt.
DEMARTINO Ms. Morgendorffer I presume?
DARIA It’s me and for two dollars only I’ll get off your front lawn.
DEMARTINO As long as your NOT trying to SELL me those DAMNABLE candy BARS!
DARIA Perish the thought. But you’ll get a free sample once I have my money.
DEMARTINO Deal.
He goes into the house to get money.
DARIA Did I just effervesce?
QUINN That won’t work twice.
DARIA It’s already worked one more time than I thought it would. I’m up for double or nothing.
DeMartino returns to the door with his wallet.
DARIA I have an additional proposition for you Mr. DeMartino. For an additional fee I will go to addresses of your choice and annoy them with candy sales.
DEMARTINO They’ve PROBABLY been annoyed by you PUNKS already.
DARIA But now you can sleep soundly at night knowing for a fact they were.
DEMARTINO (evil laugh) This deal just keeps getting BETTER!
His evil laughter bridges this scene and the fade to a little later. He’s handing Daria a fat wad of cash and two pages of names & addresses. At the top of one page are the words “Lawndale High Faculty Roster” and the other “Lawndale High Students”.
DEMARTINO Now remember- twice through the highlight names and once for the underlined.
Daria shakes his hand.
DARIA A pleasure doing business with you sir.
DEMARTINO You as well.
With that he begins to laugh again and shuts the door.
DARIA Hell of a list. Which do you want?
QUINN I can’t believe you just did that!
DARIA I can’t believe it worked either but I guess I just gave the customer what he wanted. And hey- I don’t have to wash the dirty feeling off when I get home. Thanks for the advice…sis.
QUINN Ohhhh! Curse you!
DARIA Do you sweet talk people with that mouth?
Quinn storms away, Daria walks after her but not quickly.
DARIA Wait, I have a deal for you now- you take these lists, and I’ll give you Kevin.
Quinn stops moving so the two can converse.
QUINN What? You don’t have Kevin.
DARIA He broke up with
QUINN But you… and him?
DARIA The boy isn’t too bright. Manipulating him doesn’t take much.
QUINN But you and him.
Daria shrugs.
DARIA He’ll be over tonight so take it or leave it.
QUINN Deal.
Daria hands off the lists to Quinn.
DARIA He’ll be over at seven and I’ll be gone. Just leave whatever candy you have left after this in my room.
SCENE: THE SET UP (THE ZON)
Audioslave’s Doesn’t Remind Me plays us into the scene.
Interior wise the Zon looks like a gutted brick warehouse refurbished with a beat up bar, a plywood stage lifted about five feet off the ground and with over size speakers around the building.
As it’s before opening the area is sparsely populated.
Underneath the stage is boxed in by plywood except for a small opening which Mystik Spiral is gathered around. Daria drags herself out
from the hole. She doesn’t look happy as she slaps a Mag-Lite
into
DARIA It’s done.
JESSE I’ll let Joey know.
Jesse exits the scene.
TRENT Cool. Thanks. Joey said if we could get that those wired replaced he’d let us on tonight.
MAX (to Nick) Told ya.
NICK I didn’t think you where serious!
MAX You didn’t think we could dupe someone into that roach hole either so pay up!
NICK Dammit!
Nick pays Max. Jane walks into the scene and stands near Nick and Max.
TRENT Hey Janie, glad you made it.
NICK Yeah, where’ve you been all afternoon?
JANE I was with a hooker, purely business of course.
NICK Pimp hand strong?
JANE Right on.
She and Nick exchange a quick knuckle knocking.
JANE (to Daria) Yo, sorry about last night. Got a runner’s itch.
Daria moves over to be near Jane and the two step away from the group.
DARIA Thanks for setting the alarm.
JANE I didn’t get back in last night, but I’ll still take the credit for kindness. Look, I’m sorry about the ditch and I want to put it all behind us. Say over some cheese fries.
DARIA Is that a bribe?
JANE What else could it be?
DARIA All’s forgiven.
As Daria and Jane pass from the scene a punked out, black haired Brittany snuggles up to Nick.
NICK Brit!
MAX (to
NICK Yeah.
JESSE Better, we’re a band! Mystik Spiral!
TRENT But we might change the name.
JESSE We’re kind of like a grunge-
The band all talk over each other
in an attempt to explain themselves. They with agreeing upon ‘power slop’. At
the end
A wordless, Spiral groove plays us into the next scene.
SCENE: AM I EVIL? (THE ZON INTERIOR)
We cut the exterior for a brief moment as the afternoon gives way to darkness. Back inside we see the girls talking to the band as they get off stage. An announcer is onstage.
ANNOUNCER That was Mystik Spiral! Next is Mystik Spiral! (looks at his cards) I mean I Am So Wasted! No, I mean Rock Hard followed by I Am So Wasted!
JANE That was different.
TRENT We’re trying a new style, focusing our message through sound instead of words.
DARIA (thinking) Out of lyrics?
JANE Out of lyrics?
Daria gives a slightly surprised expression kind of an eye brow tick or very slight eye widening.
TRENT We just felt it was time to try a new inspiration out. One that doesn’t require the whole band be… you know. (snaps his fingers twice in front of his eyes)
DARIA (thinking) Oh, I see. An alternate fuel source.
JANE Oh, I see. An alternate fuel source.
More eye widening.
TRENT Heh, good one. Fuel for the fire of my soul. (pause) Hey!
DARIA (thinking) Back to unleaded.
JANE Back to unleaded.
Daria looks a bit perturbed.
DARIA (thinking) Bring Captain Solo and the Wookiee to me.
Jesse walks by and
JANE Looks like the Captain’s consulting Chewie.
Daria, eyes wide, watches them walk off.
JANE What’s with you? Want me to drag them back here so you can impress them with your inability to speak?
DARIA Shut the hell up.
JANE Geez, why’d’ya have to be so pissy all of a sudden? (looks away from Daria) Hey, over here! Tom!
We pan over to see Tom as he makes his way to the girls. They meet and sit at a
ramshackle wooden table near the bar. Jane and Tom on one
side, Daria on the other.
DARIA So this is the guy who brought about your change of heart.
JANE He explained to me that you where just unabashedly being you, that’s what I’ve liked about you since the beginning. He said I can’t blame you for being you.
DARIA Wasn’t that the character flaw you railed on me last night for?
JANE Yes but he put it in perspective. Then he gave me sex. That REALLY put everything in perspective.
DARIA Is this guy some kind of dime store shrink with a fold out couch?!
TOM We meet again, and it was a back seat and it was pretty firm.
JANE Well there was that spring… Hey, maybe if you give her sex too she’ll stop making that face. (pause) You want me to give you sex? Because I don’t fly that way until after the third drink.
DARIA He used you Jane. You were in a bad way and he used that to sleep with you.
JANE It was the other way around. He gave me sex, being vulnerable was just a great excuse for psychoanalytical pillow talk.
TOM I take they don’t teach that at public schools?
DARIA What? Psychology or Hunting & Escaping?
TOM (to Jane) Now do you see why I go to a premiere prep school?
JANE But you still hate it right?
TOM Bite the hand that feeds.
DARIA I feel like I’m on the wrong side of a wall.
JANE Well who put it there?
DARIA I always thought you where on my side of it.
JANE Then why didn’t you let me know that?
DARIA (very irate) Because until last night we never had any reason to talk in silly metaphors.
TOM She’s crass but she does have a point Jane.
DARIA Hey, stay on your side of the wall.
JANE Yeah Tom, don’t you know a domestic dispute when you see one? Now get back in your car and…
TOM Cheese fries?
JANE (to Daria) Shiny isn’t he?
Tom leaves.
JANE You gotta learn to calm down Daria.
DARIA I am calm.
JANE No you’re seething just below the surface.
DARIA I just don’t like it when people use my friend. That’s my job.
JANE Well he certainly didn’t mind being used back. Like I said, he gave me sex and I sucked him dry so it’s all good.
Jane grabs a sugar packet from her pocket and eats it.
JANE I think I have a sugar imbalance.
DARIA Raging hormone imbalance. How very convenient for young Mr. Thomas, esquire.
JANE Very, and he’s an honor student to boot.
DARIA (almost muttering) I hate honor students.
JANE Weren’t you an honor student?
DARIA An honorary one, not by choice. Hey, didn’t we
make ‘the list’ for the honor society?
JANE You know I see what you’re trying to do. I’m not blind you know, just blurry around the edges from sleep deprivation. You’re…um…there are words here. I’m sure of it.
DARIA You think now that while the Knight-Protector is away I’m trying to talk you away from him since mind games and word play aren’t your arena, though they are his and you’ve been using him as a meat shield since as you’ve just shown this isn’t your thing.
JANE Aren’t you?
DARIA That angle always exists. I really don’t like this guy.
JANE Well you don’t have to like him. Just tolerate him.
DARIA (thinks it over) That’s fair. Can we forget this whole stupid episode ever happened?
JANE Let’s forget the season. (pause) Heh. All this over Upchuck and a chocolate bar.
Daria looks at Jane funny.
JANE Now that I think about it, it was just Upchuck.
Tom returns with a plate of cheese fries.
DARIA Episodes over, you can go home now.
TOM I take it I’m out of the club?
JANE (to Daria) He’s really a fun guy to have around; you should give him a chance.
DARIA I believe Czar Nicholas said the same about Rasputin.
TOM (sits down) Now there was a party animal for you. His cult believed in sinning for redemption.
JANE I think I like this cult. Daria, let’s join a cult.
DARIA (to Tom) So what are you then?
TOM Cult of personality. But to be more specific I’m a Sloane. No relation to the toilet Sloanes.
Daria doesn’t respond verbally but gives him kind of a look as she eats a
cheese fry.
TOM Okay, distant relation.
DARIA (to Jane) I meant to ask this before he came back but how are you doing with the candy sales?
JANE Me? I’m out.
DARIA Ms. Li’s going to be pissed.
JANE I mean I sold them.
DARIA Please tell me you didn’t go back to the fat lady’s house.
JANE Mrs. Johansen? Nah, Tom bought them.
DARIA He bought your whole box?
TOM It was for a good cause.
JANE We made a game out of it. For every ten bars he bought I threw in a-
DARIA There’s a word for that kind of behavior where I’m from.
TOM Look at what you’re surrounded by Daria before you say
any more. I doubt people in
We pull out for a moment to take in the Zon in all its festering glory.
DARIA They’d clamor for it.
JANE Despite not knowing what that word means.
TOM All kidding aside, what does it matter to you what Jane and I do or how she sells her candy? I really don’t see how it’s any of your business.
DARIA Jane?
JANE Now that I’m out I can focus on helping you ditch yours.
DARIA He can’t help.
TOM The thought never crossed my mind.
DARIA What? My legs not long enough for you?
JANE Daria!
TOM No but your myopia is far too advanced.
JANE Tom!
Tom makes an ‘I quit’ motion. Jane looks at Daria.
TOM A cease fire works for the Koreans.
DARIA There’s also a wall and a minefield between the
TOM You brought the wall-
JANE Not back here again.
DARIA I didn’t set this up.
TOM Let’s look at the facts-
DARIA You fucked my best friend while she was depressed, gave her money and took her candy all in the course of a night?
JANE Excuse me!
Jane’s ignored completely.
TOM A night she walked out on you when you confronted her.
DARIA Because I care dammit. I didn’t go and…her.
TOM (quickly) You swing like that Jane, because it’s cool if you do.
JANE Dammit, both of you shut the hell up! Tom, three dollars, Daria, three dollars. I’m taking a taxi and whoever wins me can let me know in the morning. No wait, screw it. I’ll find a cop; they’ll give me a free ride if I commit a misdemeanor. Quota thing.
Jane exits the scene. We swiftly move from a reaction shot of Daria and Tom to Nick and Brittany over by the bar.
NICK Like the set?
NICK We don’t do that much. It’s
NICK (puts his hand on
NICK Um… what’s your sign?
NICK I never graduated if that’s what you mean.
NICK I can legally get us the beer.
We cut back to Daria and Tom.
TOM That could have gone better.
Daria is unresponsive. Suddenly
She runs off.
TOM If you feel like being rational about this maybe we can sit down and talk this problem over civilly?
DARIA What’s to talk about? I think I’ve made myself pretty clear on this issue.
TOM No you’ve been blinded by your own self-righteousness since the moment you found out I did for Jane what you couldn’t.
DARIA I wouldn’t you mean.
TOM Hey, the physical stuff came after wards. What she needed was a pure,
undiluted perspective on what happened. Being involved yourself and with your
sunny disposition there’s nothing you could say she could trust.
DARIA Enter the stranger with a hankering for candy.
TOM Okay, I’m done. When you’re ready to be an adult we can figure this thing out.
He pulls a card from his pocket and hands it to her. Then he exits the scene.
DARIA (to herself) Some people just can’t take a hint. (looks at the card) If I didn’t know any better I’d say he was hitting on me.
She makes her way through the crowd toward the stage. On stage a gay hard rock band is hanging up a banner reading ‘Rock Hard’. (How does she know they’re gay? She just does.) She looks down at Tom’s card then at them and ponders giving it to them.
DARIA I could say it’s from a shy admirer. But that would be immature. Then he’d finally be right about something. (she tears up the card) And that simply cannot be.
She walks around until she finds Mystik Spiral off to
the side.
MAX So Nicky, where’s that chick?
NICK I don’t know. She started leaking and disappeared.
MAX (snickers) Just like the rest of your girl friends.
NICK That’s not true. Mostly.
DARIA Do you guys have the time to give me a ride home? I’m not feeling well.
JESSE She must have eaten the cheese fries.
TRENT You didn’t did you?
DARIA I had one but it’s not that.
MAX Nick can take her. He’s sans chick again.
NICK Yeah!
TRENT Nah, I’ll do it.
NICK No, really it’s cool. (to Daria) So, have you ever been with an older man?
DARIA Ever felt the sting of a size 6½?
NICK With or without heels?
TRENT Settle down Nick, she got us here tonight.
NICK But has she gotten us all the way?
Max full force bitch slaps Nick across the face. He shakes his fist at Nick.
MAX Dude! I…I…Er!
DARIA I have no words… thou bloodier villain than terms can give thee out.
The band looks at Daria funny.
DARIA I mean, “Dammit Beavis.”
Max kicks Nick.
MAX Dammit Beavis!
SCENE: LET IT RIDE (
Well after dark. We see the Trentmobile (blue 1974 Plymouth
Satellite) driving from the light business to the residential area of
TRENT Where’d Janie run off to?
DARIA I don’t know. We’re having a row. You can let me off here if you want.
DARIA And Tom.
TRENT He’s cool.
DARIA It doesn’t bother you that he’s screwing with Jane?
TRENT She can make her own decisions.
DARIA Well it’s him and I that can’t see eye to eye. Jane’s caught in the middle.
DARIA I didn’t realize the band had that kind of problem. You all seem to get along pretty well most of the time.
DARIA The key to success in any long term relation.
TRENT Nick and Max dislike each other to the point they’re best friends for it, Jesse and I are alike but I take more than I give, we don’t really communicate all that well. Ironic huh?
Daria doesn’t say anything.
TRENT But between the four of us there’s a solid groove that defies explanation. It just does so don’t ask.
DARIA So you ignore your problems?
DARIA What if one of the members was the problem?
DARIA I don’t fear judgment. That’s for the guilty party.
TRENT Good point. Maybe if we got one of you drunk this wouldn’t be a problem.
DARIA Being drunk would probably make it harder for him to get into a sad
girl’s shorts.
He reaches down in the car and pulls up a beer.
DARIA Isn’t that illegal?
They pull up to a stop light, a police car beside them. The cops look at Trent,
who’s holding up a beer. They turn the lights on and put their cruiser in park.
TRENT Its cool officer, it’s not open.
He brings it around so they can see it’s not open. He drops it on the ground
and booze squirts from a small pinhole opening on the top.
TRENT Thought it felt kind of light.
Officers Daniel and Mount get out of their squad car (2000 Ford Police Interceptor).
(Blues Brothers homage- direct ref.)
TRENT Um, the light was yellow officer.
Officer Daniels flashes his flashlight into the Trentmobile
going from
We cut to Trent and Daria in the backseat of the police car.
TRENT No, I’m good.
SCENE: PO-PO BLUES (
3 Doors Down’s Kryptonite intro plays us in.
Interior of the police station: A desk seating two cops, is in the center of the room, on either side of the room is a bench and behind the desk are doors leading into the station proper.
Daria is sitting on a bench,
STELANO Okay, Trent, we’re going to hit you for the open container but we’re going to leave out any mention of your little friend here.
STELANO You know what they say about these high school
girls, I get older but they stay the same age. Kidding, Non-Existent Girl, call
your parents and they can pick you up.
Daria gets up and dials the phone on the desk. She makes a call (unheard) and while everyone else is talking makes a second one. When she’s done with her unheard conversation she goes back to sitting on the bench.
TRENT Your mom’s gonna kill you,
isn’t she?
DARIA Doubtful.
Daria sits at the bench and begins to nod off. When Stelano speaks only he and Daria remain in the room. The clock show 45 minutes of time has passed.
STELANO Non-Existent Girl, you did call your parents right?
DARIA My mother’s on the way, she was just doing some work in the city.
He nods and spends the next few moments talking to himself. Abruptly he straightens up and stares at the door.
STELANO Forget that bit about high school girls, with any luck you’ll grow up to be like your mom.
Aunt Amy steps into the police station.
AMY Officer, is-
STELANO No names. If you’re referring to the Non-Existent Girl she’s over there.
AMY Is she now? (looks at Daria) Young lady?
Daria bows her head like a naughty child. Aunt Amy moves near where Daria sits on the bench. She speaks the next line with a malicious grin.
AMY Well aren’t you going to hug me? I am your mother.
Daria waits off a few seconds before embracing her aunt.
AMY Was that so hard now?
Daria responds with silence.
SCENE: HOMEWARD BOUND (
We watch the pair exit through the front entrance of the station. It was very much night still. As they near the parking lot Daria hands Amy a twenty.
AMY Told you I’d get you to hug me one day.
Daria pulls another bill from her pocket and hands it to Amy who hands it right back.
AMY Keep it, I prefer favors to money.
They come upon a red 1962 Triumph TR3 in the parking lot and get in. The Cramp’s Bikini Girls with Machine Guns comes on the radio and they leave the lot.
AMY Can’t believe they didn’t even ID me. I had a good cover story too. I’ll have to wait for another day to use that fake CIA badge.
Amy looks at Daria who is unresponsive.
AMY One of those nights?
Daria nods.
AMY So what’s the baby’s name gonna be?
DARIA I don’t think we’re looking at this the same way.
AMY So you can speak and you should see how this looks from where I sit.
DARIA Sorry, I don’t have a license.
AMY Do you still have that jacket I gave you?
DARIA It served its purpose well in it’s time.
AMY Meaning it annoyed your mom then you lost it.
DARIA It caught fire.
AMY Time and again I told you what would happen if you kept hanging out with those boys. Sure you say it’ll just be to annoy your parents and the next thing you know Bic starts sending you thank you notes.
DARIA It wasn’t like that. I was at a part thrown by this cheerleader and her
little brother started the fire…
Daria stops telling her story because her Aunt is getting too much amusement from it.
AMY Oh, go on Daria. I believe you 100%.
DARIA I was with the band.
AMY What do you play?
DARIA 20 Questions.
AMY Well I dragged myself from the city and raced down here in under an hour to save you from Helen’s wrath. I’d just like to know what happened.
DARIA I was in the car with
AMY So let me get this straight, you hit cheerleader parties, hang around bands and booze till the cops drag you in?
DARIA You left out the part where I distill my own whiskey and dance on polls.
But yeah, that’s the long and short of it.
AMY Wow, how did you ever get adjusted to suburban life so quick?
Daria takes a few extra moments to respond (by changing the subject).
DARIA You’re not going to tell mom are you?
AMY For as little as you offered me for the pick up I should but no.
DARIA Good, because it’s late and you’ll have to walk me to the door to explain why I broke curfew.
AMY Okay, now I want that other twenty.
DARIA But-
AMY Hey, that was before you said I’d have to deal with Helen. (pause) Take it easy Daria; I’ll go down to five if it’s just Jake. (smirks) On second thought, forget about it. This could be fun.
DARIA This won’t bode well for me will it?
AMY Seeing you and Helen squirm could be a once in a
life time opportunity!
Daria reacts poorly and Amy laughs.
AMY Hey, you’d be doing this if you where me right now.
DARIA Because until now I didn’t have enough reasons to be a self loather.
AMY Isn’t that what family is for?
DARIA Besides mooching?
AMY And other givens, yes.
DARIA You’re a wonderful human being, you know that?
SCENE: THE REAL KEYSER SOZE (MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE)
We start looking at the exterior of the Morgendorffer front door. Daria and Amy’s shadows fall across it. We watch the shadows interact during this scene. Amy presses the doorbell.
AMY (off screen) Hey Daria…
DARIA Yes?
Amy makes a sound to accompany sticking her tongue out and going cross eyed. Daria is caught mid-laugh as Helen opens the door. We switch to Helen’s POV to see Daria caught like a deer in the headlights with her smug aunt beside her.
HELEN This is unexpected.
AMY I was in the neighborhood saw Daria here loitering and being a general nuisance to the public so I did my good deed for the day and picked her up.
HELEN And that’s why she’s home so late.
DARIA Time flies when you’re eating cheese fries.
HELEN Where’s my manners, come in Amy.
AMY Only if Daria can come in too.
Helen laughs weakly. The two enter and Helen shuts the door behind them.
HELEN (sniffs the air) You two smell like cigarettes.
DARIA That’s the club scene for you.
Daria heads to the kitchen while Helen and Amy go to the living room. Jake is at the kitchen table, asleep over his newspaper (and incomplete crossword). Daria pours herself some water from a container in the fridge and sits down by Jake. She takes the pen from Jake’s hand and jots down a few crossword answers. She is also listening in on Helen and Amy unobtrusively from where she sits.
HELEN Really Amy?
AMY Hard to believe isn’t it?
HELEN Erin’s getting married.
AMY I was amazed she could pick just one groom from all of her options.
HELEN (chuckles) Oh Amy.
AMY Yeah, at her age you where just living on the commune and, what was that
term you used…to describe the relationship…all for one, and free for all, I
forget. I didn’t sleep much back then and it’s taking its toll on my memory now.
HELEN That was so long ago. So, so long ago. Even I can’t recall the details.
AMY Well as you explained it you weren’t sleeping much then either.
Helen laughs weakly and takes a long draw of the martini Jake had left on the coffee table.
AMY Hey, it’s not like it was due to experimenting with the same mind altering drugs we try daily to keep your kids from!
They laugh together, but each for their own reasons. A beat later Daria takes a step into the living room and speaks up.
DARIA So the adage is true, it’s not the age, it’s the
mileage.
Helen laughs weakly some more, Amy subtly let’s Daria know she has it coming.
HELEN I can’t believe you came all the way down here to tell me that. You should have just called, really.
AMY But then who would have picked Daria up from the precinct?
More of Helen’s nervous laughter. Daria is visibly on edge from where she watches. Amy looks up at her with a devilish smile.
HELEN It is pretty late, if you like, Daria can keep you company for awhile longer but I have to turn in now, busy day tomorrow.
AMY Same here, can you believe I have to get up at nine and telecommute?
HELEN We all have to make our little sacrifices, don’t we?
Helen exits the scene via stairs. Daria walks into the living room.
AMY Truth be told I have places to be myself in the morning and so do you; if you don’t want to be as anti-social as a home-schooler.
Daria mumbles a thank you (or f’ you).
AMY What is it? You want to come with me to Anacosta? Learn my ways and become an acerbic wit, like your aunt before you?
She puts a hand on Daria’s shoulder.
AMY Hey, after all this, that’s two you owe me.
She straightens up and heads to the door. Daria escorts her out, lingering at the door an extra moment after Amy leaves to shut it. Daria goes back to the kitchen to finish off her water when Quinn, in her night gown, comes into the scene after her.
QUINN Who was at the door?
DARIA Keyser Soze.
QUINN (shrugs) Not my date.
Quinn talks as she gets a glass, pours some milk and warms it in the microwave.
DARIA So how was Kevin?
QUINN (faux happy) So wonderful I can’t put it to words.
DARIA He spent three hours watching the Pigskin Channel didn’t he?
QUINN Yes and I can’t believe you lied to me about your going out! That was low Daria!
DARIA I never said directly we where going out and I kept my end of the deal by arranging for you two to have personal time didn’t I? (long pause) Did the customer get what she wanted?
QUINN Shut up. I’m interested in knowing, how was your real date tonight?
DARIA I didn’t go on a date.
QUINN Whatever Daria, you smell like cigarettes and cheese fries which means a club and I’m guessing Keyser Soze is a boy.
DARIA Oh how wrong you are on that account.
Quinn takes a moment to stop and look at her sister funny.
QUINN (shrugs) Whatever works, maybe now you’ll be halfway cool.
DARIA Like a half sister?
QUINN Don’t push it Daria.
DARIA Look it wasn’t a date. Tonight’s… never mind. It’s too complicated for you to grasp.
QUINN Why?
DARIA Why what?
QUINN Why is whatever so complicated for me to grasp?
DARIA Because it is.
QUINN That’s why you can’t be my… you know. You make everything so complicated.
DARIA I thought it was my lack of volumizer.
QUINN Why can’t it be both?
DARIA I imagine its nice being stuck in the shallow end of the pool. No fear of drowning.
QUINN (shrugs) You say that like it’s bad. It’s like, you read a magazine and start whining about meaning or whatever and I like, enjoy the pictures.
DARIA Sad what happens when you can read, isn’t it?
QUINN Well at least I don’t have to worry about all that stuff you can’t do anything about.
DARIA Yeah, what do you care about the unexploded land mines
in the rain forests of
QUINN I never thought you’d finally get it! Hey, if you want make over help we’re still-
DARIA I’m good.
QUINN No you’re not but good night.
Quinn exits the scene.
DARIA Thank God she left. I think I almost learned a lesson.
SCENE: AT FOLSOM (
The
JANE You don’t have to do this.
TOM But I want to.
JANE Thanks.
TOM After this
want me to put out a hit on Jesse?
JANE If you do that who’ll be left to play second fiddle to my brother?
TOM I’m not a bad guitarist myself.
JANE You’re joking right?
TOM Wanna hear my Johnny Cash?
JANE I’ll pass.
TOM I can also play the Theme from the Dukes of Hazzard.
JANE And other select Waylon Jennings hits I’m sure.
TOM Pick a Highwayman and I can pick you one of his tunes.
JANE I prefer the Theme from a Turnpike thank you.
TOM How about Jane’s Theme?
Tom opens the door of the precinct for Jane.
JANE You’d do that for me?
TOM If I knew how to play it.
Jane imitates a rim shot.
TOM Tough crowd.
JANE Try doing that bit on the other side of those bars.
TOM Pass.
They come to the desk and converse with officer Mount behind it.
JANE We’re here to post bail for
MOUNT Give me a second.
He checks the computer at the desk and pulls up some unseen files.
MOUNT No can do.
JANE And why the Hell not?
MOUNT Because he was released an hour ago.
Jane looks at Tom.
SCENE: HEAVEN BESIDES (LANE BASEMENT)
Jane opens the door at the top of the basement stairs. When she hears Daria she stops and motions for Tom to do the same. We only listen in on this next conversation.
TRENT Daria, your hands are trembling.
DARIA I’m sorry.
TRENT Don’t apologize, just relax and feel it.
DARIA You sound like Jane.
TRENT Where do you think she gets it from?
DARIA Okay, I’m ready.
We hear the opening twangs of
DARIA (flatly) Hell to pay.
Jane takes another step down and there is a loud creak from
the step. Daria whirls around, a bit tangled in
TOM Don’t stop on our account.
JANE Daria, I see you sprang my brother.
DARIA The band helped, but I was able to use my candy sales money to get the
ball rolling.
TOM And it’s not in this room is it?
TOM Well then, let’s go look for it.
Tom and Trent exit the scene via the stairs.
JANE Won’t Ms. Li want that by the end of the week?
DARIA I still have all the candy- it’s a long story but suffice to say I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it.
JANE So you can watch everyone on it plummet to their dooms no doubt.
DARIA You are a bad influence on me.
JANE I am if this is all a cheap ploy to get back on my good side.
DARIA I did sprang your brother, didn’t I?
JANE Like you did that purely for altruistic reasons.
DARIA Didn’t say I did but you where one of those
reasons. Oh, and for the record, springing him wasn’t that cheap.
JANE Fair enough. Now for the 60,000 after taxes
question-
DARIA I’ve asked for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Tom isn’t worth not being friends over.
JANE So if a hitman gets him it won’t be your doing.
DARIA Right, I blew all my cash on your brother and as far as I’m concerned Tom isn’t worth the fifty cents for a .45 slug.
JANE How do you know the price of a bullet?
DARIA Some things are best left unsaid.
JANE Like why it needs to be a .45 slug in particular.
DARIA And that’s what I like about you, you get it.
JANE And for your information, those rounds are fifty five cents here. (pause) Tom and I where going to go bowling and maybe catch a movie tonight, maybe you and Trent want to tag along?
DARIA As much as I love rental shoes I’ll have to pass. I have a science project due tomorrow and it’s only partially done.
JANE Did I miss that?
DARIA Rephrase please.
JANE Did I need to do that?
DARIA Does it matter?
JANE Not really. I’ll think of an excuse on the fly. If you’re not interested in going out with us can I at least ask Tom to drop you off at home?
DARIA I’d like that.
SCENE: TOM’S CAR (TOM’S
Tom, Daria and Jane are in his car. Daria is in the backseat, Jane sits beside Tom. Daria is looking around the car in disbelief.
DARIA Does this thing start on its own or will I need to push?
TOM She’s got it where it counts.
DARIA Insurance policy?
JANE Aw damn. I‘ll be back in a moment.
Jane hops out of the car and runs back into the house.
TOM Must have noticed that run in her nylons.
Daria stays silent but looks at him accusingly. He notices that in the cracked rearview mirror tapped to windshield.
TOM You still don’t trust me?
DARIA I got in this car didn’t I?
TOM You know what I mean.
DARIA I don’t have to. You’ve kind of pointed that out yourself.
TOM True, but if you give me a chance you may come to tolerate me.
DARIA Why would I go off and do a damn fool thing like that?
TOM Because I can hold back from making little observations like the one about how it’s obvious you need Jane far more than she needs you. Can you?
DARIA That’s what I was just doing.
TOM No you weren’t, you’re biding your time and waiting for me to screw up just enough to drive a wedge between me and Jane.
DARIA I won’t be the one to shake things up if that’s what you’re afraid of.
TOM Shake things up… Hammet?
DARIA Glad you could appreciate that.
TOM Like I said, we may be able to tolerate each other.
DARIA That remains to be seen.
TOM Hell, we’ll give it time.
Daria crosses her arms and shifts her position in the seat. She looks unhappy with where she’s sat.
TOM Forgot to warn you about that spring.
SCENE: CALL ME, BEEP ME (DARIA’S INTERIOR)
Late at night- The completed maze and mouse cage sit in a corner of the room as does the leftover candy box. The computer is the only light in the room. We see Daria in front of her computer with a word document up, the header reads- COFFEE HOUSE STORY but she isn’t playing with that- she’s trying to IM someone with the screen name ‘Casstro’.
We move to an exterior shot of
Cassandra’s room is very neat as opposed to Daria’s mess; a Che Guevara poster adorns a wall as does a tie dye earth poster. Cassandra sits at a Mac with a little lamp attached to the top. Next to the computer are family pictures, her meeting President Clinton (and holding up a derogatory sign with an arrow pointing at him) and a black and white photograph of her grandfather in a flight suit standing before an A-6A Intruder.
A ding alerts her to Daria’s incoming messages. The rest of the scene plays out between the two locations.
DariaM
Is this Cassandra Coonts?
Casstro
Maybe, who are you?
DariaM
Daria Morgendorffer. I moved away a month or so ago.
Casstro
That isn’t ringing any bells.
DariaM
Diarrhea, Cha-cha-cha.
Casstro
That Daria, I know so many here in
DariaM
Cassandra, sorry for all the crap I gave you.
Casstro
Now I know this isn’t Daria Morgendorffer.
DariaM
You where responsible for siphoning all the gas from the lumberyard’s truck on July 8th last year.
Casstro
I rescind my former comment. Why the change of heart?
DariaM
Well, when you aim on taking down an asshole its best not to be one yourself.
Casstro
Or you could be an even bigger one.
DariaM
Trust me; it’ll be hard to top this one.
Casstro
DariaM: Trust me;
What would you know of trust?
DariaM
I’m talking to you about this, aren’t I?
Casstro
And so the plot thickens…
From Daria’s end we see the IM go off and she returns to her story. In the body of the Word document we can see the title of her coffee house story-
Daria Morgendorffer’s
“Depth Takes a
We fade to black as The Foo Fighter’s DOA plays over the credits.
SPECIAL BONUS FEATURE: THE CHUCK NORRIS ENDING
As the end credit song dies down we see an additional scene of Daria and Jane at the flea market movie tent holding tapes in each hand.
DARIA Okay we have Gone in 60 Seconds Starring Eleanor or Gone in 60 Seconds Starring Nicholas Cage.
JANE I’ll go with the first Gone, fewer pretenses; more car wrecks. There’s a
respectable art to that.
DARIA Why don’t we have stimulating conversations like this more often?
JANE Now lookie, we have Missing in Action and Delta Force 2: The Columbian Connection.
DARIA I believe Norris’ earlier works had a greater depth and resonance than his latter films such as Delta Force 2, the only notable exception being Braddock: Missing in Action 3, which is arguably the “Seven Samurai” of Chuck Norris films.
JANE I heard Chuck Norris makes all his own explosions… with his bare hands.
DARIA And I heard Chuck Norris only fights because Chuck Norris needs ass-kicking like most people need water.
We pan over a little to the Bearded One (CAMEO: CHUCK NORRIS) who’s standing behind the girls.
BEARDED ONE And I heard that Chuck Norris can beat the crap out of two little wise asses using only his stare.
We close up on his intense stare. Suddenly Jane falls as if shot through the heart. Daria stands there, folds her arms and stares back. The Bearded One flinches. Daria looks directly at the camera and it zooms in to frame her head within the Daria logo and the credits come back up and over it.
THE END
DARIA WILL RETURN
IN
DARIA DISENFRANCHISED PART III
This motion picture was filmed live on location in
Story is ©2006 NapalmKracken. Daria, Beavis & Butt-Head and all related characters and properties are pimped by MTV who in turn is a dirty whore for Viacom.
THE TRAILER FOR OUR NEXT INSTALLMENT…
We see Jane and Daria standing around in on the walk in front of Daria’s house.
JANE Was it just me or did this thing end at the bottom of the idea barrel?
DARIA I did hear some scrapping at the end.
JANE Where do you wager we go from here?
DARIA Based on what I know about the guy responsible for this mess… I’d have to
say something really dumb, tawdry and beneath us.
A tomato rolls by the girls unnoticed. Then another, and another; suddenly a herd of big red tomatoes is rolling around our heroines. Jane falls to the ground screaming, a tomato on her neck.
DARIA Jane!
JANE Get it off! Get it-
Jane stands up holding the tomato.
JANE Just kidding.
She lobs the tomato at the camera and its splattering spells out-
DARIA VS. THE KILLER TOMATOES
The Attack of the Killer Tomatoes Theme plays up. Insert John Astin’s maniacal laughter as we fade to black.
Proposed Actors/Actresses
DARIA Summer Glau (River, Firefly,
Serenity)
JANE Jewel Staite (Kaylee, Firefly,
Serenity)
JAKE Will Ferrell (Old School)
QUINN Lindsey Lohan (Mean Girls)
ANDREA Rachel Roth (Amy, Titus)
JESSE Jonathan Heder (Napoleon Dynamite, Napoleon Dynamite)
NICK Zack Ward (Dave, Titus)
COACH NORRIS Chuck Norris (
PRODUCTION NOTES
I began this story on
After the aforementioned false starts and I had locked onto the story/plot elements I wanted (all the while trying to keep it funny first) and decided to tackle where I perceived the show failed: The Tom Dingus and what would come after. I can promise you this- I won’t loathe the parade or jump a shark. Having said that…
You’re probably asking yourself why I included that awful Chuck Norris ending, there’s a good reason. I am a Letterman fan and one of his hallmarks is to make a joke, get everyone laughing and then do something completely wrong to stop the laughter so Dave alone is sitting there laughing his ass off. (At least that’s how it looked to me back when I watched network television.) If you enjoyed that joke then good for you too.
From where I sit Daria doesn’t need growth or change. She’s developed enough as it is and like steel, tempering will only make her stronger.
Are you really still-still reading this?
Once again, thanks for your time.
-The Management