"Daria (Slight Return)" Formerly entitled- "Down And Out In Canada" And back in the day it was called- "Well It's The Late 1980's Going on 2000" by NAPALM KRIGBAUM OPENING THEME We see some home video clips of Daria at home from the time she was born until now- moving into Canada. (Final verse of "Shotgun Blues" as sang by 'Joliet' Jake Blues) I made some mistakes Had some bad breaks Now my mind don't work and my whole body aches The blues is fallin' Been fallin' down on me like rain My life is like the water Just swirling down the drain Well I tried standing up I keep on falling down Tried standing up Keep on fallin' down Everywhere I go The blues is all around DARIA (voice over) Shoot the shrink and wake the kids it's time for the World According to Daria Radio Hour, I'm Daria and I'm willing to put up the lip service and listen if you're willing to call. Fade in- we se Daria sitting at a desk in a radio station's studio. She has on a set of headphones and has a mike in front of her as she listens to callers and eats some cherry candies out of a bowl. Her appearance is slightly different than before- her jacket has been replaced with a black T-shirt under an unbuttoned tan shirt and a large green parka. Her desk is illuminated by a few lights but over all it's pretty dim. DARIA Wonderful, but Mr. Pollard, listen to me carefully...get...a...life. Need me to repeat that? (click) That went well. Next caller. (she listens for a few moments before scowling.) No. If you don't like my show then listen to Stern, he's on right now on st- (Her mike is turned off so no one can here her talk.) She turns her head to see Ryan Flemburg, her assistant, a tall bored looking guy wearing a Hendrix shirt under a black leather vest holding up a sign that reads "We can't talk about other shows on air, remember?" She nods her head in acknowledgment and he turns the power to her mike back on. DARIA Excuse me, we were just having some technical difficulties. If you need to know Hell was just released on earth and it interfered with our reception. (ringing) World According to Daria Radio Hour, bet you can't guess who this is? (listens) If you're an angry Satanist then maybe you can do me a favor- my neighborhood's known as the hand basket to Hell, maybe you can jump in it. (click, Daria smirks) Another satisfied customer. Daria looks up at the clock mounted on the wall. DARIA Oh me, oh my look at the time. My hours up and you can stop your groaning. Blues Radio is up next, but don't worry I'll be back to listen to you all bitch tomorrow. Ryan turns the power to the equipment off and Daria removes her headphones. DARIA Another day, another migraine. Ryan steps into the studio and Upchuck slinks out of his corner with the keyboard. RYAN You did it again Daria. DARIA Where do these people come from? It's like they leave the sewer twice a day to suck my brain. DARIA Three times a day, they can't listen to you and Stern at the same time. Daria and her entourage leave the studio and walk down a carpeted hallway. As they walk a couple young interns with Canadian accents approach Daria. JESSE Yo, Motherfu- DARIA (annoyed) It's Morgendorffer. JESSE Whatever, I had that crack you made about Canadian youths. You think you're smart than us, don't you? DARIA (stops) No, I don't think I'm smarter than you, I know for a fact I'm smarter than you. The trio pushes past the interns and down the hall until they come to a door with "World According to Daria" on a piece of note book paper taped to it. Daria opens the door and we can see the office- it's pretty small, containing two desks, only one with a computer and Upchuck's purple monkey fur chair in the corner. For a moment we focus on Daria's framed Bachelor's Degree above on the wall near the computer desk. Upchuck walks over to his chair and Daria plops then slumps over in the computer desk's chair. DARIA Upchuck, what hell was that bizarre love song opening today? UPCHUCK I like to think of it as my "Ode to the forgotten '70's Love Ballad". RYAN (faintly in background) It should have stayed forgotten. DARIA Jane should have never started you on that DJ thing. UPCHUCK You know what they say- once you start you just can't stop. DARIA And you know what I say- RYAN (cutting in) Smart is not a four letter word? DARIA That would be 'smar', wrong quote. (sighs) What should we do for tomorrow? I've got a head ache and too much on my mind. (She rubs her temples) RYAN Get you to a doctor? We could get one wheeled in on air. DARIA I don't need a doctor, these aren't really migraines, they're "caller-graines". Ryan takes a pen out of his pocket and begins writing something on a piece of paper on his desk. RYAN Brought on by the single brain celled organisms known as callers no doubt. DARIA The leeches almost make Upchuck tolerable. UPCHUCK Does that mean I still have a chance? DARIA I said almost, you're still low on my list of carbon-based life forms. UPCHUCK You know I did say I would follow you to Hell and back. DARIA Upchuck we're in Canada, it's far too late for that now. RYAN You seem exceptionally happy today. Without looking Daria puts her hand on her desk and grabs a letter off of it and shoves it in Ryan's direction. DARIA Read. RYAN Sure thing chief. He takes the letter and reads it out loud. RYAN Dear Former Lawndale High Student, I, your former principal Angela Li, has just been promoted to the head of the board of education Bow I want to know where you are in life- DARIA AND RYAN So we can officially be the most successful school ever. RYAN The list reads so far- MR. TIMOTHY O'NEILL, a former staff member of our beloved LHS has written an emotional wellness book, "Letting the You-ness Out." It is now a New York Times Best Seller. TED DEWITT-CLINTON is now a leading anthropologist in Africa and is being considered for the Nobel prize for the link he discovered between happiness and gum chewing. QUINN MORGENDORFFER (The QUINN!) now lives in France and produces her own fashion line. Several of our former male students opened a smash hit restaurant called Le Che Jay. KEVIN THOMPSON married BRITTANY TAYLOR, they now have five kids and he's the quarterback for the New York Jets. JODIE LANDON-MACKENZIE now runs a Casino with her husband MICHAEL JORDAN 'MACK' MACKENZIE. BURN-OUT GIRL (real name withheld, don't want to spoil the secret!) formed a rock band who's album "TORCH THE SCHOOL" went platinum. Hmmm...maybe she's not a good example of an inspired youth. So now where are you DARIA MORGENDORFFER? Respectfully yours, Angela Li. DARIA Dean of the apocalypse. RYAN And defender of your right to be strip searched, you've told me the stories. UPCHUCK Hey, I got the same letter, looks like we have a little more in common now, Darrria. DARIA It's times like this I wish you said 'Diarrhea' like the other freaks. RYAN Cha, cha cha. DARIA If I didn't have this headache I'd throw something at you, but my aim would be off. RYAN Off enough to hit Upchuck? DARIA Aren't you a sadistic optimist? But no, not that off. RYAN It's not that bad, you know when polled non-English speakers said that 'diarrhea' is the pretties word in the English language. DARIA But they don't speak English now, do they? Daria straightens herself up and starts to type on her computer. RYAN I'm just guessing, but do you feel inadequate about something? DARIA (slight anger) About what? All the big losers in school, who should be, by all rights flipping burgers for a living or getting by on government assistance are living large and all I have is this lousy radio show, late rent and what was possibly several missed opportunities? RYAN You sound kind of on edge, why don't you go home and rest, I'm almost finished with tomorrow's show and you can just improv the rest on air with the callers. DARIA (stands up) You are trying to kill me, aren't you? RYAN Slowly and with a brotherly love. DARIA Later. She takes a few steps, trips over a small wastebasket and falls. RYAN At least your eyesight hasn't failed you. A worn yellow '83 Malibu with the cracked and peeling emblem of the Peel Regional Police Force emblazoned on it's door is seen cruising down an amazingly clean urban street. We close in and see Daria behind the wheel. The interior looks slightly better than the exterior and a pendant thingy can be seen swinging from the rearview mirror. (Beavis and Butt-Head fans should know what this is.) She pulls into a small shopping center parking lot in front of a Royal Canadian Navy Recruiting Office. She steps out and slings a gray book bag over her shoulder and steps onto the sidewalk before looking up at a recruiting poster showing a frigate with a Canadian flag behind it. DARIA Doesn't seem like a bad idea. She hears punches thrown and turns her head in the sounds' direction. She sees two kids holding down a Royal Canadian sailor and a third punching him. KID 1 About! SAILOR A-boot! KID 1 (punches him) About! SAILOR (crying) A-boot! KID 1 So that's how it's going to be. We have ways of making you pronounce the letter 'u'. SAILOR (crying) A-boot! Please stop! DARIA Or not. She walks past the recruiting station and into the dinky pawn shop beside it. The interior has a certain musty antique shop like air to it. Daria sees Oswald, the graying proprietor talking with some bearded kid. TOM Can I pay in pennies? OSWALD For the thousandth time no, now get lost kid! TOM (indignant)I'm going to be back and when I come back I'll have a camera crew and I'll be famous and you'll have to deal with me! The kid indignantly stomps past Daria and tries to feel her up as he passes her out the door. DARIA Hey! OSWALD Ah, Ms. Morgendueffer, my favorite customer, didn't expect you back so soon. What'll it be today? Daria comes up to the counter and takes a pair of hiking boots out of the book bag. OSWALD Nice boots, I'll give you ten for them. DARIA Give me a moment to empty my cornucopia before you start pricing. She pulls out a black leather jacket, a black T-shirt, a red skirt and a tan one next to the boots. OSWALD Nice. Tell you what, I'll give you thirty for the lot. DARIA The Salvation Army would give me more than that. OSWALD How about I toss in a toaster? DARIA What kind? OSWALD A Varitron 3000, it bakes, broils and toasts. DARIA Can it do windows? OSWALD No, but you can put a lot of bread in it. DARIA Only used by a little old lady on Sundays, right? OSWALD Like everything else I sell. DARIA It's a deal then. Oswald takes her stuff and puts it under the counter then hands her the money before going over to a shelf and getting a large toaster oven down for her. She takes it with both hands. DARIA Nice antique. OSWALD Pity they don't build 'em like that anymore. After slinging the grey backpack back over her shoulder Daria, toaster in hands, lugs it out of the pawn shop. OSWALD See you next week! As soon as Daria gets it out of the shop she trips on something and falls, toaster first onto the ground and it makes a loud banging sound. DARIA I expected that. She gets up and shakes the toaster and she hears a little rattling. DARIA It's still good. We see the interior of a moderately sized convenience store not far from the pawnshop. Daria steps in (minus toaster) and a bell rigged to it rings. A Mohawk'd punk in a dirty green tank top sits behind the counter reading Muck & Rage, a rock magazine. His name tag reads "Phish-Bite". We can clearly see Trent on the cover of Muck & Rage. Daria walks past the counter not paying attention to the man or his mag She walks over to the aisle with a bookshelf at the end of it. She goes to a particular novel rack, pulls one out of the back and opens it to a dog-eared page. Then she leans up against the rack and begins to read. Fade out. 45 MINUTES LATER... Daria is still reading, she stops, dog-ears the page then sticks the novel into the back of the rack again before going to the next aisle over and grabbing a 2 liter Pepsi. She takes the Pepsi to the counter where the punk is still reading the magazine with his back turned to her. DARIA Excuse me. PHISH-BITE Hmm.... DARIA Excuse me. PHISH-BITE Hmmm.... DARIA Hello, I'm from a roadie from Blood Rain. The punk (Phish-Bite) turns around. PHISH-BITE Really?! (recognizes her) Hey, you're not a roadie, you're that weird chick who comes in here everyday. DARIA That's only who I am in my off time. PHISH-BITE What do you want? DARIA Some respect, possibly some money, but for now I'll settle for buying this. She pushes the Pepsi in Phish-Bite's direction. PHISH-BITE That'll be 1.19 Canadian, I think. DARIA I thought it was only a dollar? PHISH-BITE Oh, yeah, um...maybe. DARIA I have a coupon. (she puts a coupon down beside the drink) PHISH-BITE Okay, so... it's half price. Daria pays him and he puts the 2 liter Pepsi in a brown paper bag. Daria grabs it in a way that only the top sticks out, making it look like a 40. DARIA A pleasure doing business. PHISH-BITE (goes back to reading) Yeah, whatever. As Daria prepares to leave she does a double take of Phish-Bite's magazine and sees Trent on it's cover. DARIA (surprised) Trent? She grabs the magazine form it's owners hands. PHISH-BITE Hey! That's my mag! DARIA (blowing off Phish-Bite) Trent Lane and band Mystik Spiral...huge mega success...found fame on remote island...worshipped like gods...international rock idols...crowned king of "Spiralika"...Spiral madness sweeps the country. PHISH-BITE Hey lady- Daria hands the mag back to Phish-Bite. DARIA My mistake, I thought that was someone I knew. Then I saw 'spiral madness sweeping the country' and I knew it couldn't possibly be Trent Lane. PHISH-BITE He's got a pretty cool sound, surprised you haven't heard him. Their hit "Lawndale Ladies" from their album, Misery Chicks & Caviar Sticks is played everywhere in America. I here they someday might even bring them to Canada! Daria takes her Pepsi and steps out of the convenience store. From the outside we see the only thing between it and pawnshop in this little white shopping center is a record store. She hurriedly walks over to the store and barges in. Right in front of her is a display case with a cardboard cut out of Trent and the Spiral behind it. In large Gothic letters we see "Mystik Spiral" and Misery Chicks & Caviar Sticks above the display. In disbelief Daria rushes up to the display and grabs a CD which features a picture of Trent and the band on the cover. She flips it over and see a picture of the band practicing in the Lane's basement. She sees herself standing in the far corner of the picture. Daria puts the CD back and walks out completely dejected. She slumps against the outside wall of the building. DARIA (miserably) I can't believe it. The impossible really has happened. (looks down at herself) What happened to me? The cruiser is cruising down the clean road again, Daria is pondering behind the wheel. DARIA (unhappy) Life sucks. (glances down at herself) This seat's snugger than I remember it, must have gained about 10 pounds since last year. I'm an official fat ass. (pause) I could try exercising. Then again I could just cut it out with a knife... I'd be thinner, but not happier. Maybe I should (sighs) just stop talking to myself. I still can't believe it, not that I didn't expect it, should have expected this. A crappy apartment, two bit radio show, and a car that- As if on que the car dies on her, so she hits the breaks skidding the car too a stop. She gets out and pushes. As she moves it past a corner she encounters a gang of kids chilling on a bench listening to an album of Tom Green rapping. They're trying to look like an LA street gang, but with good clothes and a clean appearance. MARK Hey lady, I mean bee-yatch, want help with that. DARIA (stops for a moment) Sure. Tom and Travis get ready to hop up and help her but Mark stops them. MARK Wait a minute, you're that momarocho from that radio show. We heard what you be sayin' about us kids bein'- I mean what you said about the youth of Canada being wannabes so we aren't going to render assistance to your fat ass! TRAVIS Have a nice day home girl! TOM Word! DARIA (scowls) Point in case. She continues to push until she gets to the front of a worn out apartment complex. She grabs her drink from inside and walks up to the sidewalk. A fat old man, Mr. Furleigh leaves the building and walks up to her. FURLEIGH Ms. Morgendorffer, got your rent yet, eh? DARIA I've got your rent right here- She pulls the cash from her pocket and as she's about to hand it to him a kid skates past and steals her money. DARIA Correction, I had your rent right there. One more week? FURLEIGH Why not, you are my cleanest tenant. DARIA Thank you Mr. Furley. FURLEIGH You and your sarcasm, beat it. Daria walks past him into the building. It's got a worn out brown interior, dim lighting and has a generally slummish feeling to it. Daria walks up several flights of creaking stairs until she gets to her floor. She walks over the blue floor rug and up to a door marked 248. She unlocks it and steps into her inner sanctum. DARIA Home sweet hellhole. It's semi clean and vaguely resembles her room. Across from the entranceway is a broken bookshelf that Daria apparently made herself and scattered in front of it's broken shelves are pieces of a chemistry set, a model cheese wedge and a few books. To it's right is a worn out orangish couch Daria saved from a dumpster, two of it's cushions are different and the bare metal frame can be seen on the left corner. Next to it is a box being used as a lamp stand, along with a lamp we see a framed picture of Daria and Jane hosting their talk show. Across from the couch is a rabbit eared TV set sitting on top of another box. Beside it and near the bedroom doorway is an open box of books we can see it's contents are copies of Daria's number one on the worst seller list. Directly behind the TV is a small island bar with a few wooden chairs around it. Squeezed into the corner behind and around the bar is kitchenette containing a fridge, very limited counter space and a small hardly used stove. The stove has a pan on it containing month old grease from Daria's last fruitless effort at cooking. Sitting next to that is a fire extinguisher, just in case. Somewhere in this hole a radio player is playing "Let the Good Times Roll". Daria tosses her jacket on rack beside the door before taking a swig of the Pepsi and depositing it on the counter before going into the bedroom. Moments later we see a skirt, black T-shirt and a tan shirt fly out the door. Let the Good Times Roll is abruptly cut off and the opening chords to "Old Time Rock and Roll" are heard as Daria slips past the door on her socks wearing a blue XL T-shirt. She slips and falls on her ass. DARIA What do radio shrinks know about feeling good anyway? (pause) At least my fat ass cushioned the fall. When she stands up we can see the T-shirt says "NOT MY PROBLEM" She walks over to the bar and takes another drink form the Pepsi, still wrapped in the brown paper bag before walking over to the couch and plopping down on it. She lays down then realizes she forgot to turn on the TV. DARIA Should have bought a remote. (reaches out for the TV with her arm, but it's five feet away) Too far, maybe I'll try again later. She grabs a pillow and prepares to take a long nap when she hears a knock at the door. She ignores it but the knocking doesn't stop. DARIA (sighs) She gets up and trudges over to the door and grabs a baseball bat before opening it. When she opens it she sees Helen standing right in front of her carrying two suitcases and clad a blue running suit. DARIA (surprised) AH! (she jumps back) HELEN Daria, so good to see you, sorry I didn't call, but I didn't know your number. (joyful) It's so good to see you again! DARIA I like seeing me too mom. HELEN (hugs Daria) I missed you! DARIA Enough to cut off my circulation? HELEN (let's her go) Sorry, I forgot. So how's life been treating you? DARIA Like a dart board. Daria walks over to the fridge and Helen walks into the entrance to survey the room, her expression isn't good, but she's attempting to stay neutral. DARIA Want something to drink? HELEN (sets her bags down) I don't want to be a problem for you. DARIA ( tosses Helen a coke) No problem, just don't raid my caviar stash, then you and I would have to tangle. HELEN I'll keep that in mind. DARIA (leans over the small island bar that separates the living room from the kitchen) So what brings you to Chateau de Daria? And please don't tell me it was the service. Helen steps forward. HELEN (a little slow and almost sad) Well since your father died last November you know it hasn't been easy... Daria looks down and isn't really paying attention. Helen sets the drink down on the bar and steps closer to Daria) HELEN Daria? FLASHBACK- Jake's on his knees at the kitchen table where he and the family are eating a large meal. He is grabbing his chest with his left hand and his right is raised to the sky. JAKE Look's like I've had the big one, Lizbeth! (gasps) HELEN Jake! (pause) Who's Lizbeth? JAKE Uh...Helen. (gasps, angry) I'll be joining you soon, OLD MAN! (gasps) END FLASHBACK DARIA (still looking down and away) At least they got his name right the second time at the funeral. HELEN Daria, are you all right? Daria snaps out of it. DARIA (casually, in normal conversant tone) Oh, when was I ever? HELEN I'm sorry. Anyway you know how your sister ran off to France- DARIA To design bigger and better nooses. HELEN She hit it big in the fashion industry. DARIA If that's what you want to call it. HELEN (struggling with the right words) Then there was that little messy scandal thing. DARIA That had that little messy disbarrment to go with it. HELEN Oh yes, that's the one. Well it kind of cost me the house, property, most of the money. DARIA (rubs her temples again) Uhh, I can see where this is going... HELEN Can I... DARIA 'Crash' is the word. HELEN Is it okay? DARIA I gave you a drink, how much more of a step up can sharing an apartment be? HELEN Thank you. (looks around, falsetto happy expression) Nice apartment. Daria rolls her eyes and takes a chug from the brown bag wrapped '40'. HELEN (sees Daria drinking)Daria?! Whatever drove you to drinking? DARIA (looks at the bottle) Well I got a craving for the hard stuff when I realized the herbal tea I was drinking didn't even have half the caffeine of a giant Pepsi. (pulls the Pepsi from the bag) HELEN Oh. You had me going for a second. So...what are you doing now for a living? DARIA I have a radio show, and if this doesn't work out the club down the street is looking for new dancers. Helen looks somewhat shocked/ worried. DARIA (goes to the fridge) When was the last time you ate? HELEN Not too long ago, just...yesterday. DARIA (talking to herself with her head in the fridge) What are you going to do now? (pause, rummages) Is that Jello moving? HELEN Daria, are you okay? DARIA Yes mother, just talking to my fridge. HELEN (mumbling) Looks like I came just in time. DARIA (getting an idea) And how's last week's lasagna holding up? Here we go. Daria gets out of the fridge and walks over to the fridge, frozen Twinkie in hand. DARIA Here. She hands it to Helen. HELEN That's kind of you. She takes a bite then jerks away from it when she realizes how frozen the Twinkie is. DARIA (hand on her hip, kind of smarmy) That's my specialty, Twinkies a la Fridge. Like it? HELEN It's...food. DARIA Don't offend my cooking if you want to live here. HELEN I'll do the cooking darling. (looks around) This place reminds me of your room. Daria clutches her throat then rushes over to the sink and coughs something up. DARIA Achm! (hacks) So THAT'S where breakfast went. HELEN Are you okay? DARIA ( turns to face Helen) I think I'm ready to hand over the cooking duties to you. HELEN Thank you. Daria, how exactly did you get stuck hosting a radio show in Canada anyway? DARIA Well it used to be in the US but then the station was closed down but the company that owned it wanted to keep me on so they gave me the option of relocating my show up here, since the show was the only thing I had going for me at the time I went with it. HELEN Oh, so what do you think of it up here? DARIA Think of Hell frozen over and with a finely crushed layer of snow on top. HELEN That's am interesting... perspective. DARIA (trips and falls) As seen through a really old prescription. HELEN Your glasses are crooked. DARIA I know. Helen gives her daughter a hand and helps her up, then she notices a stack of letters on the counter. DARIA (seeing Helen looking at the stack) Don't worry, they're all already paid for. HELEN That's reassuring. DARIA Oh mom, I hope you don't mind not having cable, it got cut off six months ago. HELEN I think I can manage. DARIA Good. I should also warn you my video collection sucks. HELEN That doesn't matter. DARIA So have you memorized every line of "Ghostbusters" yet? (before Helen can answer) Don't worry, if you haven't then you soon can. HELEN It's okay really. This place is still better than- DARIA You better not offend the people at Motel 6 with where this is going. HELEN But those places don't have you. This will be just like... DARIA The old times we never had? HELEN Exactly! Helen hugs Daria again. DARIA Let the ruing begin. HELEN What did you say Daria? DARIA Let's move you in. Helen lets go of Daria then motions to the two bags on the floor. HELEN Already done. (notices a rat trap with slip of paper in it in a corner.) I'm afraid to ask, but what's that rat trap for? And why does it have a slip of paper in it? DARIA First of all that's an IOU, secondly that's for roaches, not rats. Daria walks back around the bar and opens a drawer, She pulls out a .22 revolver and a small box of rat shot. DARIA This is for rats. HELEN Oh my. DARIA (puts the gun away) I bet Quinn would never treat you to stuff like this. HELEN But Quinn's not like you...at all. DARIA Now you're getting it. (pause, walks back around the bar) Better late than never. HELEN I think I'll just put my stuff... (looks around) DARIA (points over her shoulder) In the bedroom. But watch out, that's where the queen rat lives. HELEN (laughs) Daria, I just love it when you're being sarcastic. DARIA (raised eyebrow) I was being sarcastic? They walk into the messy bedroom. Most of the small room is dominated by a large unkept bed, surrounded by clothes on the floor. On the back wall is a large poster of the Hindenburg crash and above that is the green Glen Oak Lane street sign. Daria takes Helen's suitcases into the closet. DARIA You can use my el presidente suite and it's deluxe accommodations, including a private bathing/grooming/sanitary facility. It's okay I usually fall asleep on the couch anyway. HELEN Thank you,... that's so kind of you to let me have your room. (notices the street sign) So that's where the street sign went. DARIA It was a gift from Jane and Trent. (pause) I haven't had any dinner yet and my caller-graine has gone away, want to go out for a night on the town? HELEN That sounds great, just give me a moment to wash up and change first. DARIA I probably should too. But you go first, I insist. Later we see Daria driving her battered car down a darkened street. Helen is now wearing a clean shirt and jeans and appears refreshed. HELEN (hesitant to speak) Interesting car Daria. DARIA Just interesting? How about used and abused? HELEN That's another spin on it, so if it's so bad why did you get it, or did the damage happen later? DARIA I got it this way, it's an old Peel Regional Police car, they where practically giving them away. HELEN Oh... (thinking of what to say) Don't you write a newspaper column? DARIA Not anymore, one day I said the wrong thing about a guy who died in a freak accident the next week. (pause, mumbling) Tommy Sherman's revenge. HELEN What? DARIA Nothing. HELEN I'm sorry. DARIA It's all right and since you're probably wondering the book deal fell apart too. No one bought a copy and the publishing company went bankrupt. Now I don't even own the copyright to it, I just have a box of unbought hard cover copies. HELEN Maybe that style of writing just wasn't your milieu. DARIA Actually another company picked up the title merged it with it's own set of short stories and the paperback sold a million copies in it's first year. As for my college talk show, college is over. HELEN (happy) And now you have your wonderful radio program! DARIA (changing the subject) Want to see the one real perk to this car? HELEN (mumbling) Both headlights work? (shakes her head) I mean, sure honey. Daria grabs a small police light from the glove compartment and puts it on the dash. She turns it and both searchlights on then really floors it. DARIA (sticks her head out the window) Police, eh!? The other cars on the road all make room for Daria as she speeds by recklessly then she makes a hard stop in the parking lot in front of the pizza place and finishes off her fancy driving with a final spin into a spot in the fairly empty lot. Helen is visibly shaken. DARIA (nonchalant) You probably can't tell but I've been a little on edge recently. HELEN (scared) I would have never guessed. DARIA (gets out of the car) If only the paint job weren't so lousy. Daria and Helen inter the dive pizza place. Inside the atmosphere is kind of dark and loud. A few arcade games sit near the entrance and some kids are running around. Scattered throughout the dining area are tables and booths along the walls, Daria and Helen go to a booth and a waiter soon arrives. WAITER Would you ladies like something to drink? DARIA & HELEN Tea. They look at each other kind of in surprise. HELEN We learn more about each other every day. WAITER Have you decided on a pizza yet? DARIA Medium pepperoni, and if I find another roach in it again (points at Helen) she'll sue. He walks away and mother and daughter sit in silence for a moment. HELEN My, what an... DARIA Interesting? HELEN Exactly! An interesting little restaurant. Do you come here often? DARIA Only on special occasions that merit this fine establishment, like when I'm trying to impress my mother. This is my very own Che Pierre. HELEN (indecisively) Oh, you didn't have to go all out to make me feel special. In the grimy kitchen we see a fat dirty looking fellow with glasses and a beard chomping a cigar and tossing a pizza. The waiter enters momentarily. WAITER A medium pepperoni and if there's any roaches in it again it'll be your job! The cook grumbles then shakes off the embers from his cigar into the pizza. Later we see Daria and Helen walking out into the parking lot. HELEN That was some...fine cuisine, thank you Daria. DARIA Only the best for us. They get in the car and it doesn't start. DARIA Dang. She gets out of the car and goes to the trunk and grabs something out of it. HELEN I didn't know you where a mechanic. Daria comes back around with a sledgehammer. DARIA World class. She opens the hood and swings the hammer at the engine, prompting it to start. Daria then gets into the car, tosses the hammer into the back seat and drives off. HELEN Uh, Daria, can we just have a nice leisurely drive home? DARIA All right...but just this once. We see Daria and Helen come back into the apartment, Daria tosses her parka onto the coat rack and misses. DARIA I'll get it tomorrow. She keeps walking toward the bedroom and Helen stops and picks her parka up and puts it on the rack. DARIA (tossing herself onto the couch) Time to turn in. HELEN Wait a minute Daria, I brought something with me I think you'd love to see again. DARIA My dignity? HELEN That's actually part right, give me a moment. Helen goes to the bedroom and comes out momentarily with a video tape in hand. DARIA If that's a home video it better have at least 18 missing minutes. HELEN Daria just relax and watch. Helen pops the tape into the VCR and then goes and sits next to Daria. HELEN Where's the remote? DARIA I don't have a remote. HELEN Then I'll do it myself. She gets up and goes over to the VCR and turns on the movie then goes back to sitting next to Daria. HELEN Remember this? On TV- We see the inside of the Highland High Gymnasium. It's an off orange and filled to capacity. The camera zooms in on Daria, wearing the tan skirt and shirt with black leggings, and who's sitting with the honor students...and is being harassed by Beavis and Butt-Head. They exchange unheard words. On the couch- HELEN Remember that? You where an honor student. DARIA I wasn't an honor student, I just played one on TV. On TV- We see a girl get up to the podium. TABITHA Hi, I'm Tabitha Soren- FART! BUTT-HEAD Huh-huh, I pulled my own finger. On the couch- HELEN I couldn't stand those boys. DARIA They had some good points, they where the perfect lab rats- On TV- Daria walks up to the podium. HELEN (voice over) Here you come! DARIA (on TV, higher pitched voice) Mr. President, in your campaign you promised a college education for all young people, did you mean that- DARIA (on couch) & DARIA (on TV) Or were you just jerking us around? On the couch- Helen puts her arm around Daria. HELEN Can you believe that was less than ten years ago? You got that college education and look how far you've come! BUTT-HEAD (on TV) It's ten PM, do you know where your wiener is? DARIA (quietly, sadly) Yeah, come down... The video continues to play and Daria doses off. Helen looks a little worried about Daria. Fade to black. Next morning. Daria, sans glasses, is asleep on the couch, sort of in a fallen over position with her head resting on the arm of the couch and with a foot of drool hanging out of her mouth. She blinks for a moment then feels around for her glasses, she finds them on the box next to the couch and puts them on before straightening up and stretching. Then we see a smiling Helen cooking eggs on the stove. HELEN (cheery) Good morning! DARIA (pause, it takes a moment for her to get what Helen just said) Isn't that phrase suppose to end with 'Vietnam'? HELEN I'm so used to waking up early I figured I'd do something useful around here. DARIA You mean you're boiling my clothes? HELEN (laughs) Of course not, I'm making eggs. DARIA (stands out and tiredly plods over the bar and plops down at it) Thanks. HELEN And I cleaned up your room a bit. Actually I removed I removed the clothes piles and put the clean clothes in the dresser and on hangers in the closet. DARIA Okay, you're nice and all but I want to know what happened to my real mother. HELEN What? DARIA You've never been like this before, for 18 years you managed to schedule me in between meetings and clients and now...you're doing more for me in 5 minutes than you usually do in 5 years. HELEN (sighs) Well I have no one left but you. Your father died, your sister ignores me, your Aunt Amy is well, Amy and Rita is intolerable. DARIA As well as evil incarnate. HELEN You're my daughter. Now all I have is you and I'm beginning to recognize your importance to me. DARIA (sniffs) And I never realized you could cook something other than witnesses. HELEN (laughs) I'll be doing more of that now. It's kind of funny, it took me till after you left to be a mother to you. DARIA Isn't that a bad thing at 22 though? HELEN I see your point. DARIA I understand. (pause) You couldn't stand the smell, could you? HELEN (shakes her head) No, I think I emptied your can of Lyesol on your room. DARIA And I appreciate your cooking for me. You've already tried my best work, what did you think? HELEN Well... DARIA I know you don't want to offend me but if you want to live with me we have to be honest with each other so just say it- "The frozen Twinkie tasted like crap." HELEN Daria, frozen crap would have tasted better than that Twinkie. DARIA Okay, now we can talk. HELEN The eggs are ready. DARIA But talking is over rated anyhow. Awhile later we see Daria throwing on her parka as Helen cleans up the kitchen. DARIA Later mom, I'll be back around noon. HELEN Good-bye Daria, if you don't mind I'm taking your clothes to be washed. DARIA Now I know what all the other kid where talking about when they said they had a maid you not only gave birth to them but did everything else too. (pause) Do you know where the Laundromat is? HELEN I think I saw it on the first floor as I searched for your room. DARIA Okay, take care. Daria leaves her home...then enters the office where Ryan and Upchuck are debating. UPCHUCK So there I was, stuck in a Jersey convenience store and the clerk is being pelted with cigarettes! RYAN (unconvinced) And there was Kevin Smith yelling, "Get that retard out of the shot!" DARIA I wish didn't even need to be here today. RYAN Hey. DARIA Hey. (She sits at her desk) RYAN Ready to be attacked by a fresh new day? DARIA Ready as ever. RYAN Here's today's finished outline, have fun. (He hands her some papers and she skims through it) DARIA I have an idea. RYAN We strike? DARIA I see a lot of legal crap on here. RYAN So I've been watching Judge Judy. DARIA Guess who just moved in with me. UPCHUCK More luscious ladies? Rowr! RYAN Monty Python's Flying Circus? DARIA My mother, she was a lawyer. RYAN Think we can get her on tonight? DARIA Get out of my head. Maybe, but she's been driving me a little crazy since she moved in the other day. RYAN Demanding you date? DARIA Not demanding anything. She isn't like that, she used to always find ways to try and push me or change me. RYAN So she tries to impale you on a stick, is that so bad? DARIA Not like that. But last night I tried to scare her off by showing her how much my life sucks and all I managed to do was prove to myself how much I suck. RYAN If you like I can point out to you how everything about you sucks. Then you can get mad at me and I don't care if you're mad at me shorty. DARIA (slumped, not paying attention to Ryan) I guess she's here to stay, I'm just afraid she might (shudders) accept me for who I am. RYAN (dryly) You're right, her evil must be stopped. Later, in the studio we see Daria at the mike and chewing her candies from the bowl. DARIA I'm sorry Mr. Krigbaum, but if you keep making these calls I'll have to get a restraining order put out on you. (click) Next caller. (pause) Interesting Mr. Forman, but I'll tell you what I told Pollard- get a life, and stop doing that to your cat. (click) Don't forget people, today is all about courts and contras, or very bad people, eh? We have another caller on the line. (pause) Mr. Suni, Iwha (confused) Iwan- She touches her face then looks shocked and panicky and motions at Ryan to do something. RYAN Uh, our hostess just had some surgery done- she had her soul removed if you were wondering and she isn't feeling well...so we are going to uh.. wait, Blues Radio is up next so why not start early? Let's see if upchuck and our WCND Orchestra knows "Soul Man". UPCHUCK I am the (seductively) Soul Man. The music strikes up and the two do a bad rendition of the great classic "Soul Man", imagine Upchuck as 'Joliet' Jake and Ryan as Elwood. Not pretty. Meanwhile Daria runs out of the studio and down the hall toward the office. The gang of interns stop her. JESSE Feeling funny Mogendavid? DARIA (scowls) Mowenorrer! WILLIS Moweworrer? DARIA (scowling, very angry) Asards! JESSE I'm no expert- DARIA (crosses her arms) Oo eally? JESSE But it sounds like you just ate a whole lot of benzocaine cherry cough drops, extra powerful, ain't you stupid, eh? WILLIS No American thought to do that before. I bet she'll think twice before calling Canadian youth wanna-be's again, eh? JESSE & WILLIS (high five) Eh! Daria then kicks Jesse where the sun doesn't shine with her boot and Willis backs out of the way and she continues on to her office. A few minutes later Ryan shows up and finds her at her desk looking grumpy. RYAN You- never mind. What happened? Daria takes a piece of paper and writes on it RYAN (takes the paper and reads it) Inter prank, benzocaine laden cough drops. (looks at Daria) The interns, in the hall, with the cough drops. Daria writes on a piece of paper and shows it to him. It reads "Ha ha". RYAN So you can laugh. Daria writes- "Where's Upchuck?" RYAN You've just been traumatized, don't think about it. Daria (groans) Later we see Daria enter her apartment with Ryan following in suit. RYAN What's that smell? DARIA Clean. RYAN When was the last time "clean" was used in conjunction with your apartment? DARIA In a drug bust before I moved in. Helen walks out of the bedroom. HELEN Hello Daria, who's your friend? DARIA This is Ryan Flemburg, my associate. RYAN So this is your mother. At what point does she do her disappearing act? DARIA I don't think she does that anymore. HELEN I've made lunch, there's enough for all of us. Daria and Ryan sit on the bar stools at the island bar and Helen takes three bowls out of the cupboard. HELEN I did your dishes today. DARIA I didn't know the dishes needed cleaning. HELEN Daria, just because you put the dishes back in the cupboard doesn't make them clean. RYAN The more you know. Daria shoots him an evil look. Helen pours soup into the bowls. HELEN So Ryan, what brings you to these parts? RYAN I just love the smell of Canadian slums and dirty clothes. Smells of victory, or Daria on some days. DARIA His car broke down and I was giving him a ride home, we stopped by so I could return his remote to him. Wait a minute...Ryan about that remote... RYAN Again? DARIA Have lunch, on me. RYAN You're too kind. DARIA I know. So now that you've seen the living proof now will you stop believing I sprang from the head of Zeus? HELEN Jake was hardly Zeus, Mercury maybe. (reminiscing with a smile) He did like to move and jump around a lot. Helen puts bowls in front of Daria and Ryan then sits down herself with some. RYAN Thank you for the soup ma'am. HELEN Call me Helen. RYAN Thank you Helen. And when I call you it's the same number I use to call your daughter, right? HELEN So you have a boy calling you now. That I didn't know. Daria just keeps eating with out paying attention to what's about to happen. RYAN Hey, I only call because she's the cheapest phone sex ever. HELEN (spits up her soup, shocked) WHAT?! RYAN(very quickly) Sarcasm Helen, sarcasm. HELEN I think I liked it better when you called me ma'am. RYAN Yes ma'am. DARIA Oh, mom, I almost forgot- would you mind being humiliated on air tonight? HELEN Doing what? DARIA My radio show, tonight's show is all about courts and contras. RYAN And the people who love them anyway. HELEN I'll be glad to help my daughter and her friends. RYAN (to Daria) Wow, I'm your friend now? Daria rolls her eyes and they keep eating. RYAN So how much do you pay her to keep her around? DARIA About as much as I pay to keep you around, but more than Upchuck. In the studio- we see Daria and Helen sitting at the desk with head phones as Upchuck preps his keyboard and Ryan performs a quick sound check. DARIA Just relax and remember- if crap is given to you give it back with interest. HELEN You really have some choice words to live by. Ryan knocks on the glass and does a thumbs up. DARIA 3, 2 and 1. Wake the kids and shoot the shrink, it's time for the World According to Daria Radio Hour, I'm Daria Morgendorffer and I still blame the one armed man. Tonight we have a special guest, a retired lawyer and oh yes, my mother, Helen Morgendorffer. Say hi and take a bow mom. HELEN Hello, I'm Helen Morgendorffer and I'm honored to be here with my wonderfully talented and beautiful daughter- DARIA (embarrassed, hits a high note) Mom! HELEN Sorry dear, I just had to add that. Continue with your monologue. DARIA You're too kind. Where was I, oh yes, after the allotted time for personal humiliation. Anyway we're continuing today's earlier discussion on courts and contras. Anyone willing to chime in with their two cents on either subject? First caller. (click) You again? (pause) Ms. Hoopes, that contra is a video game, played by vidiots just like you. (click) Next victim, er...caller. Mom, I'll let you get the phone, that'll be like old times. HELEN Hello, Helen Morgendorffer. (pause) Well that's an interesting comment Mr. Alvarez but the word is 'litigation' not 'obliteration'. (pause) Sorry Mr. Alvarez, if they didn't teach you that in school that's your problem. (click) DARIA Welcome to Daria's Inferno, this is Daria speaking. (pause) That's (pause) I disagree- (pause) If you're going to talk to me like that Ms. Grandstaff- (pause, angry) Bite me! (pause) Don't make me- (pause) Ryan give this caller the seventh ring of Hell. I mean, "the Inferno". He grins and Daria quickly removes her headphones as the studio is filled with a horrible high pitched screech for a second. Helen jumps and tears off her headset. DARIA And that completes another test of the annoying caller system. That was only a test. (to Helen) Welcome to the radio biz mom. Afterwards we see Daria return to the office, no one else is there.. A letter sits on Daria's desk. DARIA More bills. She looks address at the top. DARIA This must be from the boss about the seventh ring of Hell. She looks down at the letter and her eyes widen. DARIA Talk show. Helen opens the door and Daria shoves the letter into her coat pocket then throws it on the desk. Ryan and Upchuck enter after Helen. DARIA Have fun mom? HELEN That was certainly a new experience for me. UPCHUCK Have you ever been experienced? Helen glares at Upchuck and he backs away. DARIA The proof is standing before you. RYAN(grins) Not necessarily stoned, but beautiful. HELEN Are these the only people you hang around? DARIA Hey, they hang around me. RYAN She's Morris Day, I'm Jerome. (motions to Upchuck) He's the roadie. HELEN (checks her watch) Well it's certainly getting late. DARIA We'll leave in a moment mom. UPCHUCK I guess I should retire for the evening. DARIA And for the rest of your career. RYAN Great show Daria, I don't think I've seen you that alive on air in a long time. DARIA What's that suppose to mean? RYAN It's just that lately you've been kind of slumping into a funk, talking less and less but tonight was almost like when you first started doing the show. DARIA Really? I didn't notice. Helen quietly steps into background. RYAN I'm just saying it's nice to see the old fire return. He walks toward the door and speaks as he leaves. RYAN Night Daria, ma'am. DARIA (to Helen) Ready to go? HELEN I was waiting on you. DARIA Come on then, let's get home before the moon rises and I get those urges again. They leave and Helen shuts off the lights. Black. Then the sun slowly creeps up through the window behind Daria's couch where she lies asleep. She blinks a few times then grabs a clock from the box and brings it really close to her face. DARIA Oh no. She feels around for her glasses on the floor, falls off the couch, finds them and gets up as she puts them on. She sees a smiling Helen making breakfast. HELEN Good morning! Do you know today is? DARIA I'm late, why didn't you wake me up? HELEN You looked so peaceful, anyway- DARIA (as she gets her boots on) Ironically I was dreaming I was in Hell and Ms. Li was the warden. (looks around for her jacket) Wait left jacket in office. HELEN Daria- Daria runs to the door. HELEN Daria you're not- It's too late, Daria's half run, half fallen down the stairs and out the door of the building and to her car. She slams the door then yelps, opens the door, makes sure all her hair is in the car before shutting the door and speeds to work. Then we see her rush into the studio to find a fat bald man and a thin man wearing a rainbow colored wig recording a show. ALL (shocked) You! Daria rushes out of the studio and down the hall. Upchuck sees her coming. UPCHUCK Hey Dar- She bolts passed him and into the office where Ryan sits at his desk writing. DARIA (out of breath) Sorry I'm late. RYAN It's okay, Helen called this morning telling me what day it is so I covered for you. DARIA What is it about today? (walks to her desk and puts on her coat, she notices the added up paper in the pocket.) What's this? Oh yeah, the talk show. RYAN You're getting a talk show? DARIA Maybe. (slumps) It's for an interview today, but I don't know if I'll go. RYAN Sounds good to me, you're a great hostess. DARIA You're just saying that because you think I'm hot, besides I've never been the hostess of a TV talk show. I was a great co-hostess with Jane, now with no Jane, it doesn't feel right. Jane and I where a great team. RYAN The best since Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi. DARIA When her plane crashed in the Atlantic I lost a long time partner, my closest and for longest time only friend. I'm just not sure I can host a talk show on my own. She was, is, a big part of me. I know I'm hosting this radio show on my own, but still...TV's different. I talked above everyone's heads and she did all the other stuff, it seemed to me she always had more of a stage presence. I don't. I'm just a spec on the camera. RYAN So get a pair of platform boots. DARIA If you suggest a miniskirt too I will break you. RYAN Hey, it's your choice. Whether you go for the talk show or are content here in radio land I think you can make it, if you don't get this show it's probably just because they found someone more talented than you. Or with larger implants, whichever. DARIA Thank you for being so uplifting. Come to think of it you're probably just saying that so if I get the show I'll keep you on as my assistant. RYAN Is that a bad thing? Besides you're hot. We see Daria turn into the parking lot of what appears to be a well off TV station. DARIA (voice over) It's worth a shot. Then we see her walk down a dull blue hall and she stops at a door and knocks. MR. COHEN (voice over) Enter! Daria opens the door and enters a plush office. Mr. Cohen is a large, gruff balding man behind a desk. DARIA I'm Daria Morgendorffer- MR. COHEN Who? DARIA I was sent a letter that said something about you being interested in giving me a talk show again. COHEN Oh, yeah. That. (mumbles) Damn SCC. DARIA Who? COHEN (annoyed) Do you want a talk show or not? We see a very plain TV studio. The set is nothing more than a back wall and a few chairs and a plant. Daria steps in and looks around. She sees the director, Zwine Zwinger (from "Hollywood Blvd. II") yelling at some people moving a sofa. ZWINE No, no, zit is all wrong! Too dramatic! Wait, did I say dramatic? Yes, zen zat is right! Perfect! DARIA Are you Mr. Zwinger? He turns around and nearly hits Daria with the megaphone but she's a little too short. ZWINE Vhat?! DARIA I'm Daria Morgendorffer. ZWINE You're a beet short for a talk show hostess, perhaps we can get zoo a booster chair? The camera doesn't tilt that low. (laughs, smacks her on the back) I'm joking, it does. Come on, let's get you on stage. Daria walks onto the stage and sits in the chair. DARIA What do I do? ZWINE Well since zis is kind of a test we're just going to have you do say, the news. DARIA (sighs) I'm Daria Morgendorffer and my career is still dead. ZWINE Now! Action! DARIA I'm Daria Morgendorffer and welcome to the Daria Hour. We call it this because I can't afford the down payment on a real title. CAMERAMAN (mumbles) Or a real hostess. A man in the shadows says something to Zwine. ZINE Cut! DARIA What? Did I blink out 'TORTURE' again? ZWINE No, zoo were fine...I think, but now try it with more emotion. From da soul. DARIA Can you front the money for me to get it out of hock? ZWINE Vat you need is a partner, to banter with. DARIA I know. (pause) She's not here. TOM (emerges from the shadows) Hi Daria. DARIA What the hell are you doing here? TOM The 'S' in SCC Communications stands for 'Sloane' I arranged for this meeting. Where's Jane? DARIA Away. Tom takes a seat beside Daria. TOM Too bad, I guess I'll have to be Jane. I knew her pretty well. DARIA No you didn't. And no, you could never be Jane. TOM I can punch a few more holes in my ear. DARIA I wouldn't mind punching a few holes into you about now too. TOM Your sense of humor hasn't changed, but that's your problem. You need to be less abrasive, take off a little of that edge. DARIA Are you going to stone wash me? TOM Is that a personal offer? DARIA Don't try it, we went through this once before. TOM Fine, but you still need to change that attitude, it's going to keep you off this show and has nearly removed you from the radio business too. Especially that 'seventh ring' crap you pulled last night. I know Stern can get away with it, but he, unlike you has a vast multitude of listeners. So what we have here is a small amount of listeners, but a lot of complaints. DARIA I've only received a few complaints, none of them major. TOM That's because I ordered the station manager to ignore the majority of your complaints. DARIA If I'm so bad and such a liability then why do you want me on TV? TOM I figured you're having problems, if we work together I can help you over come them. DARIA We're not going through that again. If I'm getting a new talk show it's not going to be like this. TOM Come on Daria, I'll double your salary! DARIA (stands up) It's not about money, so you'd have no idea. TOM Now be reasonable. You know what, I didn't to say this but the real reason why I'm doing this for you is because they're going to stop your radio show next week unless someone reins you in, so I conceived this show. There, now you have the full truth. You can't say I didn't try to protect you from it. DARIA Thank you daddy, but it's over. She begins to walk away. TOM Hey for laughs I can don a black wig and get a few clip on ear rings! Suddenly Daria turns around and pounces on Tom. She just starts wailing on him until security pulls her off. GUARD 1 Should we- TOM No, she's just a little confused. DARIA (out of breath) It's over. I'm done with you. TOM If that's how it has to be. Men, see Ms. Morgendorffer out. GUARD 2 Sure thing boss. They 'escort' Daria out. TOM Oh, and leave the door open for her. Just in case she changes her mind. Outside it's begun to snow. Luckily for Daria when she's tossed out the door into the parking lot she lands in it. DARIA (gets up, rubs her arm) I would have tripped on the way out anyway. We see a very depressive Daria outside her apartment door going through her keys. DARIA I don't know how I'm going to break this to Ryan and Upchuck. She finds the key and unlocks the door. DARIA (tired) Lucy, I'm home. HELEN Surprise Daria! DARIA I've been evicted? RYAN Better, it's your birthday, you have one less day to live. DARIA Now there's something to get excited about. UPCHUCK And how's my favorite luscious lady doing? So what if you're aging, I like older women. DARIA Who let the dog in? HELEN I saw you working with them and you seemed to be on good terms. (puts her arm on Daria's shoulder) Now sit down and I'll bring you the cake. Helen leads Daria to the couch where she lies down. Helen goes to the kitchen. DARIA I am the queen. Massage my feet. UPCHUCK (excited) I've been waiting a long time to hear that! DARIA On second thought stay back Upchuck. UCHUCK Rrr! Fiesty! HELEN (walks up to Daria with a German chocolate cupcake with a candle in it) I would say it's time to sing happy birthday but Ryan's informed me of his condition and (lowers her voice) I think Charles is a little too enthusiastic. (smiles) Make a wish. DARIA (blows out the candle, waits a moment then looks down at herself) Damn, I'm not Ms. July anf I still don't have a soothing Jamaican accent. (looks over at Ryan) Don't say it. RYAN Fine, but I am out to get you, you know. Daria takes the cup cake and licks the frosting. DARIA German chocolate. UPCHUCK Heil. Ryan stomps on his foot. UPCHUCK Ow! Fiest- I mean, ow! HELEN Want to open your presents now? HELEN No, let's save that for last. RYAN You're in luck. That's the last thing we have planned. You see, we love you, but not enough to spend lots of money on you. DARIA I feel the love in this room. Helen swipes Daria's glasses, Daria instinctively flails out for them but only manages to fall off the couch. DARIA Great gift mom. Daria's POV- A lot of blurry spot. Blurry fingers move toward her and put on a pair of glasses and things all clear up. DARIA You've been rifling through my mail again haven't you? HELEN I'm a lawyer, I remember things. And I remember what your prescription was five years ago. So when I found your last prescription sitting in a drawer I knew you desperately needed a new pair of glasses. Now about the frames, they were kind of a gift for your birthday last year but you know, I'm getting older I forget things. Watch this. (takes odd Daria's glasses and twists part of it around her finger when she pulls away the frame snaps back into position. All Daria sees is a blur.) DARIA Oh yes, I see it so perfectly. Let's watch the instant replay. HELEN Sorry (returns the glasses to Daria) Happy birthday dear. They quickly hug. DARIA Next. Ryan walks up to Daria with a long box. RYAN Say hello to your little friend. She opens the box and inside is a full size 12 gauge shotgun and a box of shells. DARIA Adios rats. RYAN And you won't need a bat anymore. DARIA Ah, a combination present, thanks. UPCHUCK My turn! He hands Daria a small box and a bouquet of flowers. DARIA I'm afraid to ask. (shakes the box) If it's a ring the answers no. UPCHUCK It's not that, open it up. She opens up the box and pulls out a small gold chain. DARIA Nice. 75. No, Oswald's cheaper than that. 65. Hmm. 60 and a new alarm clock. UPCHUCK Huh? DARIA (grinning slyly) Nothing. UPCHUCK Hey, do I get a hug too? DARIA Sure, mom, can you hug him? HELEN We don't have time to stop and hug Daria, we have reservations at the Blues Room Bar and Grill! DARIA The most exclusive over-priced bar in this part of Canada. (feigns embarrassment) You shouldn't have. UPCHUCK But we did! DARIA Does this mean I'll have to get off my butt? HELEN Yes Daria, when we go out that usual means you'll have to get up off your butt. DARIA What's my motivation? HELEN (rolls her eyes) All right. You will always be my little girl to me so...Daria I'll give you fifty dollars if you come. DARIA It'll cost another fifty for me not to tell Quinn. HELEN (leans closer to Daria) I gave you life Daria, I can take it away. DARIA (smirks) I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. (wipes away non-existent tears) I love you mom. At the Blues Room bar and Grill. The interior is dark with pool tables, a stage where a band is playing "Shotgun Blues", Daria and her group are sitting at a table not too far from the stage. Daria isn't wearing her green parka and has on the pendant thing. DARIA Ritzy, A real upper class kind of place. RYAN Is that the pendant thing you have hanging from your rearview mirror? DARIA I decided to dress up for the occasion. A cute women walks by and Upchuck stares at her. UPCHUCK Rrr. Hey baby. (to everyone else) I may be back shortly, or not at all. Time will tell. He gets up and follows the lady. DARIA One down, two to go. A waitress comes with their meals and they eat for a bit. HELEN This is good, isn't it? DARIA It's okay. RYAN At least they didn't let Daria do the cooking. DARIA Now you don't like my Twinkies either? A cell phone rings. HELEN That's mine. She picks it up and listens for a moment. HELEN Really? (pause) But I'm with my daughter, it's her birthday. (pause) Really? Okay, but only if it's okay with her. (to Daria) Daria, I just got a call concerning a job, you know opportunity knocks but- DARIA I'll stick dinner in the microwave for you. HELEN Thanks dear. Ryan, can I borrow your car? RYAN (Hands her the key) Ride Helen, ride. Helen walks off. Daria and Ryan sit in silence for a moment. DARIA This was a set up wasn't it? RYAN She didn't turn off her cell phone so I'm guessing she made it go off. DARIA You involved? RYAN Not until this moment. DARIA She tries too hard. They sit and listen to the man on stage as he finishes his song. RYAN When it comes to romantic hot spots I sure know how to pick 'em. DARIA Dark atmosphere, people in dark clothing singing about their miseries and ending it all with a shotgun. I don't know how to suppress my raging hormones. By the way, today I found out the only thing that keeps the show on the air is the will of my controlling ex-boyfriend who's daddy owns the station amongst other things. RYAN Is this like one of those, "A rabbi, a priest and a French Canadian walk into a bar kind of jokes"? DARIA No, it's more of a "I'm being serious, it happened today" jokes. He said we actually get far more complaints than the ones we physically receive and we have no listeners. RYAN I believe the first part but I think the part about having no listeners is a lie. DARIA That's what I think. RYAN I always hear people bitch about the show wanting to know what that crazy lady's going to say next. DARIA Thank you for trying to keep up my morale. (looks at her empty cup) I'm going to get something to drink, want anything? RYAN I'm fine. Daria gets up and walks over to the bar. DARIA More ice tea please. BARTENDER You the birthday girl? DARIA How can you tell? BARTENDER I hear things. So what is it, a sweet sixteen? DARIA I'm 23. BARTENDER Oh, then have our finest ice tea. (puts a cup of ice tea in front of her) On the house. DARIA I shouldn't take drinks from strangers, but oh well. Daria takes a sip of the ice tea and quickly forgets about her own cup. After a few more sips she notices a whining man sitting beside her. MAN (to himself)Always something new with these people! Never happy with what we already have. American manga! I deliver! Retarded 'VJ's', I give it to them. (yells) A show about a guy who lives with talking cockroaches! Now something else! When will it end!? DARIA You think you have it bad? My mother just moved in and I found out I'm losing my job next week. MAN Who are you? DARIA The Queen of England. MAN That's sarcasm right? DARIA (drunken) Always. I'm Queen Daria the 1st. MAN Well they aren't after you for something new! (chugs his drink) This is worst than high school! DARIA Huh? What does this have to do with high school? MAN Everything! DARIA (disoriented) Um, okay. We see Ryan and Upchuck on stage singing "Hey Bartender". Then back to Daria. MAN So what you're saying is you used the idiots as lab rats? DARIA A study in human stupidity. MAN Wow, your life sucks. (whips out a note pad) What's your name? DARIA D-D-Maria Mogendavid. MAN Hmm. (writes) Let's call the character 'Daria Morgendorffer'. That's a stupid sounding name. (at Daria) Tell me more, let's run, say through high school. Daria picks up her second ice tea to find it empty. DARIA I'm out. MAN Don't worry about it. (to the bartender) Next one's on me. Now where were we? DARIA Lawndale? We watch Ryan and Upchuck finish the song and then do some more numbers and "Messin' with the Kid". This is inter cut with scenes of Daria getting drunker and the man writing. It ends with the final horn with "Messin' with the kid" as Daria's head hits the bar. MAN (pats Daria on the shoulder) Thank you, I should get at least two good seasons out of this. Bartender, I'll be off. She has the tab. He walks out and we pan back over to Ryan and Upchuck sitting at the table. RYAN (looks at his watch) It's been a long time, where is Daria? UPCHUCK I guess she wasn't using the little girls room. Ryan bitch slaps Upchuck. UPCHUCK Ow! RYAN I'm going. He gets up and turns around to see Daria slumped over at the bar. RYAN Daria? He runs up to the bar and tries to help Daria sit up. RYAN Daria? Daria? DARIA (blinks) What are you guys doing here? RYAN I thought you were just getting more tea. DARIA (raises her glass) I did get more. RYAN (to upchuck) Get over here Upchuck! DARIA I think I'll drive home now. She gets up off the stool and promptly falls over. BARTENDER I can't believe she had all those Long Island Ice Teas. We see the exterior of the club as Ryan and Upchuck help Daria to her car. DARIA I appreciate the lift. (laughs) I'll drive. RYAN Lovely offer but I think I'll drive. Daria pukes. RYAN Not on my boots! He accidentally lets go of her and she falls. Upchuck shrugs. QUIET SOME TIME LATER... Daria turns on the TV with her new remote. Helen is sitting next to her on the couch. Ryan and Upchuck are sitting on opposing arms of the couch. From the looks of things it's fairly obvious Helen is having a birthday party. HELEN Daria you really didn't have to do all this for me. DARIA Yes I did. I need it so I have an excuse to get cable. It's a birthday present to you. HELEN You shouldn't have. DARIA I know. But we can afford it now since we switched stations and the show's getting more air play nationally. Let's see what's on. UPCHUCK Go to channel 41 a really funny new show's on. Daria goes to channel 41 we see a badly drawn show centering around a blonde guy and a guy with brown hair. One is laughing while the other hits him in the face with a rubber bat. BUTT-HEAD Why doesn't it hurt? BEAVIS He-he, because it's a rubber. The laugh like imbeciles. DARIA Upchuck, you must be a lot dumber than you look if you like these guys. (pause) they look familiar. Then Daria walks onto the screen and starts talking. DARIA (drops the remote) What?! That person... HELEN Looks like you... RYAN Talks like you... On TV- BEAVIS & BUTT-HEAD Diarrhea, cha,cha,cha, diarrhea, cha,cha,cha. In the living room- HELEN Did you give those people permission to use your identity? DARIA If I did I was too drunk to remember, wait a minute. Remember my last birthday and we went to the Blues Room. RYAN Yeah, you got tanked on Long Island Ice Tea. DARIA No, someone got me tanked on 'em and now I suddenly remember what we discussed. (to Helen) Mom, do you know an good high powered lawyers? HELEN (on cell phone) Hello? Mr. Adler? Would you be interested in what has to be at least a million dollar lawsuit? RYAN Looks like life will be looking up for us now. DARIA Yeah, MORE taxes. Close in on the TV where the logo for "Daria, Beavis and Bum-Head" pops up. Then static. DARIA (voice over) Damn piece of damn crap. Damn thing won't damn work. Damn new electronics. HELEN (voice over) You definitely are your father's daughter. DARIA (pushes a button) Here we go. Daria's face comes into view as we see her in the driveway of their old Lawndale home sitting on hood of a sparkling green Viper. DARIA Um, it's working mom, now what? HELEN You're a former talk show hostess, you figure it out. The camera shakes as Daria hands it to Helen. DARIA Takes this then. She hands Helen the camera and it shakes less. DARIA Well here we are in the driveway of stately Daria manor. HELEN Let's practice- say something about the car. DARIA It's fast and green. Brought to me courtesy of a big fat lawsuit. Okay, now what? HELEN (sighs) Someday Daria I'm going to pass on and you're going to have to do these home videos all by your self. Now let's go inside see the family. DARIA If you say so. She hops off the hood of the car and the camera follows her to the front door. She opens it and enters. DARIA Follow me, all who dare. This is the entranceway, there are many like it but this one is mine. The camera follows her to the living room where Ryan is sleeping on the couch and a toddler is walking around. With the exception of some pictures it basically looks the same as it did before. DARIA That's Ryan, he lives here. And the toddler is our own little Daria Morgen Flemburg. (picks her daughter up) HELEN Say hello to grandma! LITTLE DARIA (makes garbled sounds) DARIA Say something to your mother-in-law Ryan. RYAN (makes garbled sounds) DARIA (sets little Daria down) Um, let's check out the luxurious kitchen? They walk into the kitchen where several pots are on the stove. DARIA What's that smell? HELEN Just dinner, the meat doesn't smell too bad does it? DARIA (sniffs) No, but I'm sure they say the same thing about Anthrax. They stand there for a second. HELEN Now what Daria? DARIA I'm only narrating, you're giving directions, remember? HELEN Then let's go out back. DARIA Whatever you say. Daria opens the back door and steps out back. Trent and the band are sitting at the wooden table near the grill. DARIA I'm glad to see you guys got your invitations. TRENT I figured, "Hey, maybe it's time to stop fearing book stores." JESSE And they're fumigating the house again. Something about a roach infestation. MAX I already told you those roaches weren't mine! I was the one who let ants in the house. DARIA And here they are, the cast of Real World 20. TRENT Oh yeah, Janie told me to tell you something, what was it? DARIA Trent, Jane's been dead for several years now and- JANE (voice over) You think a plane crash can stop Jane Lane? Daria whirls around and the camera catches Jane coming around the side. JANE Maybe if I was on it. But I missed my flight and wandered Europe for a few years with a biker named "Nails" getting inspired. TRENT (snaps his fingers) That was it! She told us NOT to tell you. Oops. JANE Oh well Trent. By the way I'm now a famous artist, so famous, I'm IN famous. And the name is now Jane Lane Riche. I heard it in France when some shop owner said it was what I was likely to become. DARIA 'Lane riche' means 'wealthy jackass'. JANE Stop being jealous Daria. DARIA So why didn't you call, write, e-mail? JANE I did. Wait. (pulls a paper out of her pocket, hands it to Daria) Here's the letter. Daria takes it and reads it. DARIA Is this a family thing? JANE Since you have my letter why haven't you written back yet? Daria rolls her eyes. HELEN This is so cute. DARIA Let's just save the remaining tape for the grand opening. The tape stops, then static and it starts up again. This time Daria, Jane, Ryan, Helen and Little Daria (holding her mother's hand) are standing in front of a book store. Trent, Jesse and Max stand off to the side next to the Tank where two amplifiers are connected. DARIA Today is the grand opening of my new bookstore. After it seemed my radio show was only getting calls about my association with Beavis and Butt-Head I realized it was time to move on. Then I sued the makers of Daria, Beavis & Butt-Head, they gave me cash and now every kid in America hates me because they blamed their bad programming on a budget deficit caused by me so I hid out in Lawndale and now we're here to open this bookstore. Jane, do the honors. Jane goes to the door of the store and steps in. JANE (yells) Yo! You guys have a copy of the Beavis and Butt-Head comic?! DARIA (shakes her head) They're going to haunt me till the day I day. HELEN I think you have a customer Daria. DARIA So? TRENT It's working. Let's try it now. He plays the opening to "Voodoo Child (Slight Return)" and after about a minute the amplifiers blow. JESSE Put it out! Put it out! Max smack the fire on the amp with his drum stick and now it's ablaze to. He blows on it. Jane then steps out of the store. JANE Uh Daria, your back door's open and it looks like someone's been helping themselves to your self help and best sellers section. DARIA (looking at the band) And to think this is just the beginning. "Falling for the First Time" plays as we fade to black. DARIA (voice over) Ow! RYAN (voice over) No Daria, don't chew on your mother's hair! HELEN (voice over) Well you shouldn't have let her on the counter! DARIA (voice over) Ow! Make her stop! We hear the toddler Daria cry. THE END DARIA WILL RETURN Copyright 2002 Napalm Krigbaum. Daria is pimped out by MTV, who is in turn a dirty whore for Viacom. Zwine Zwinger is the property of Miracle Pictures and it's parent company. All songs are the property of whoever owns them, but it's not me. Who is this 'Nails'? Ryan Flemburg is my own character. And yes, this really is just the beginning.