(A Daria story in a Beavis and Butt-Head context)
TURBO MALL 2000
We see the inside of a chaotic mall, crowded to capacity; we zoom in on this mass of humanity to a man with a bush hat and military coat, but we don’t care who he is now do we? Panning a little lower Daria, sporting the old brown/black look (black leggings, black T-shirt, tan/brown shirt, skirt and hiking boots) and a camera scribbling something in a notebook comes into view.
DARIA Now where am I? Undertaking task of covering the fashion show in the Turbo Mall for the school paper. Consider convincing parents to allow me to take up undertaking instead.
She seems to be pushed forward by this tide of consumers, making it hard for her to write but she keeps trying to anyway.
DARIA According to recent statistics our local mall inheritably is not nearly evil and debasing enough, the greed factor was considered to be… (she gets bumped and loses her place) in the red. That’s why they invited the Vicki Lee’s Guilty Pleasure Shop Road Tour here to show us new and improved ways to feel bad about our own self-image.
QUINN (pushes her way in besides Daria) Only fat people like you feel bad Daria.
Quinn looks like Quinn, but younger and with red pants.
DARIA (still writing) On a related note destroy Quinn’s physical image, the rest will follow.
QUINN God Daria, just lay off the snack cakes when you mope around and try a few weight lose pills.
DARIA I’ll pass, there’s this natural alternative, it’s called hara-kiri; you should try it sometime.
QUINN Eeew! Harry Carry? (shudders) I didn’t ask about your sicko sex dreams Daria. (shudders) Ew! Besides, if nature was so great you wouldn’t look like you.
DARIA Ever hear of karma? You’re going to get it all back in the end.
QUINN Your rear end maybe. Later geek.
She shoves through the people in front of her and forces her way through the mass.
QUINN Cute and popular girl coming through! Freight trains behind!
Our focus swings back to Daria, just long enough to see her mood go further south before we pan on ahead to the big pink Vicki Lee Guilty Pleasures Road Show banner, below it are numerous satiny tents and a long runway spans the length of the show, the models atop it lord over their crowd of admirers, plus one very disgruntled looking journalist snapping photos. An effeminate goateed man stoops over her, slapping one hand on her shoulder and another on her camera.
MR. LEE If you want pictures buy a catalog, though you would need a special order for your size.
DARIA I’m taking pictures for the high school paper, but I thank you for showing such concern over my needs.
MR. LEE Oh! Press! That’s different, keep shooting, do you like what you see? Is the lighting good?
DARIA I can see them just fine. If only this thing was in a different millimeter.
MR. LEE I have an idea, why don’t you meet one of our models? Give girls such as yourself- er, well your age a little info about the exciting future that could await them! A good model has so many options available to her!
DARIA Anorexia and bulimia.
MR. LEE Don’t forget liposuction!
DARIA Or tape worm therapy.
MR. LEE Such enthusiasm!
DARIA From the fat chick.
MR. LEE You took the words right out of my mouth, come along now!
She follows him to a white tent where a leggy blonde is getting her makeup touched up.
DEANNE What now Lee? (looks at Daria and smiles) Oh, you must be the girl from the dream-the-impossible foundation! Hi! I’m Deanne!
MR. LEE Well I’ll leave you two alone now.
He backs off and Daria stands in front of Deanne.
DEANNE Take a seat hon, or better yet (to her makeup artist) take her camera and we can get a picture together.
DARIA Then we can all live happily ever after.
DEANNE Wow! You’re so upbeat despite having, what is it, mono?
DARIA Something like that. Actually I’m from the HHS School Paper, doing an article on the fashion expo.
DEANNE Oh! Well, want me to tell you about how great it is to be young and beautiful!
DARIA (smirks) That sounds like fine prepared statement material, I have a better idea.
She pulls up a seat and slouches into it.
DARIA So how do you feel about how vacuous today’s models are?
We cut to awhile later; Daria’s holstered the camera and is making her way through the mall to a dark little music hole, accurately named “The Music Hole”. Inside the lights are dimmed and the posters all give off a kind of black light glow. She goes to the counter where Randy, a fat bald man with a long droopy mustache lazy flips through a copy of Muck & Rage (The Purest ‘Zine On The Indy Scene) and soaks up the lazy vibes of some forgotten Grateful Dead bootleg.
RANDY (oblivious) Nuh.
DARIA (sighs, rolls her eyes) I’m here to fix your leaky pipe.
RANDY About time, that bong’s been-
He glances at Daria and nearly falls from his seat.
DARIA Did you get it?
RANDY Hell yeah, gimme a moment.
He puts the magazine on the counter before disappearing into a dark closet behind the counter. She picks up the mag and browses through it for a moment. The music changes and “Stairway to Heaven” comes on.
DARIA One band, one art chick, one short tempered columnist.
She tosses it back on the counter then waits some more.
With a jerk of her neck Daria finds herself staring at the Dumbass-tic Duo playing air guitar and trying to rock out moron style.
BEAVIS Deedle-deedle-dah-dow-dow-dwang! (inhales) Beeyooooo-
Butt-Head Power He-bitch Man Slaps Beavis to the ground.
BUTT-HEAD Dammit booger thief-
BEAVIS Hey! (pause) Oh yeah. He-he.
BUTT-HEAD I’m lead guitar you’re just my bass…uh, munch. Buh-ass munch. Huh-huh.
BEAVIS (jumps up) Shut up! I’m gonna start my own group. He-he. You won’t be in it.
BUTT-HEAD Winger Two. Huh-huh.
BEAVIS Nnnnnh! Bite me! I’m Pants-Tera! Yeah! Waaaaaaah! Watch my slide work! He-he.
He goes off into an obnoxious jarring air guitar solo, Butt-Head, to defend his honor plays his own and the noise about drives Daria nuts. Finally she just has to do something.
DARIA (loudly) Hey!
The keep going, Beavis is getting louder and Butt-Head
looses his place and stops playing but keeps being loud.
DARIA (louder) Nachos!
DARIA Thank you. I know asking you to shut up would be a fruitless endeavor so how about this- you guys have shown me your guitar work-
BUTT-HEAD We worked it. Huh-huh.
DARIA If I can show you a move you’ve never seen before would you just go away?
BEAVIS You dare challenge Pants-Tera? The love glove is off. He-he-m-he-he.
DARIA All right then.
She waits a moment then goes into a pretty good impression of Jimmy Page and as the song really picks up she accompanies.
DARIA Now watch.
She slowly removes one hand while still moving the other and…
BUTT-HEAD (surprised) Whoa. One handed!
BEAVIS I can do stuff one handed. Yeah.
Butt-Head, still in awe just flings his arm at Beavis and clocks him on the face.
DARIA (stopping the charade) Will you go away now?
BUTT-HEAD Uh, what? But like, we want more and stuff. Huh-huh. Show us the way. Uh-huh.
BEAVIS Show us some ass too. He-he.
BUTT-HEAD Uh-huh, yeah. She got some to spare.
BEAVIS Baby got back, he-he-m-he-he.
DARIA You do know I’m still right here.
Randy returns with a little yellow envelope.
RANDY Here it is.
DARIA I bid you adieu. (backs away from them and pays Randy)
BUTT-HEAD Huh-huh she said ‘doo’.
BEAVIS He-he-m-he-he. Scooby Dooby Dooby Doo!
BUTT-HEAD Huh-huh you said ‘dooby’. Light it up Beavis.
We fade to awhile later as Daria enters her room.
DARIA Let the ceremony begin.
She shuts the door and locks it, making sure no one can barge in. The room is in as unclean a state as it her Lawndale room and contains most of the same things, though that box of bones is now a nearly whole skeleton on a stand, her heart model sits in the chest of the bones. The cheese wedge is a whole wheel on a stand with a placard by the bed. Daria gets on the ground and pulls her CD/tape player from under the bed.
DARIA This better be it.
She pulls a tape from the envelope and puts it in then stands up. She pulls off her coat and it’s obvious she’s not really as fat as she’s made out to be. (Not that she’s a stick either.) Getting back on the ground she reaches under the bed again and pulls a journal from within the frame itself. Repositioning herself on the bed she pulls off her boots and taps the PLAY button with one foot while opening the journal to the proper page. The tape starts with some scratchy sound and we can hear a crowd as “You Know You’re Right” starts to play. In case you need this spelled out- it’s a bootleg.
COBAIN (on the tape player) I will never bother you; I will never promise to
I will never follow you; I will never bother you
Never speak a word again; I will crawl away from you
I will move away from here, you will never be afraid of fear…
We pull away from Daria’s room and move down a short hall to a small comfy den/office. Helen sits at a large wooden desk concentrating on the papers before her and tapping a pen.
HELEN (sighs) Maybe I should just have Luanne handle this in the morning.
The cordless phone on the desk rings.
HELEN Luanne can you get that? (realizes she’s at home) I’ve got to define the borders between home and work.
She picks up the phone and answers in her usual phone tone.
HELEN Helen Morgendorffer. Oh, hello Dwayne. Yes, I do have a daughter. Two. Yes? Well of course, one of them would be proud to! Of course Dwayne. Oh me? Not much, just going over those depositions. Well enjoy Larry’s Dwayne. (click) He never invites me to those business dinners. (gets up and stretches) After 15 years I still can’t figure out how he can meet clients in a gun range & cocktail lounge.
She leaves the office and goes across the hall to Quinn’s room. Nothings changed except the precise shape of the room, which is a little more cramped. Quinn herself is reading Waif.
HELEN Mr. Shrecter from work just called, we’re sponsoring-
QUINN Wait, is this going to be on Saturday?
HELEN No, Thursday-
QUINN Sorry, I’m going to be…helping the PAT kids that day.
HELEN Are you sure you can’t work this in? We need a pilgrim for the Thanksgiving parade-
QUINN (extra whiny) A pilgrim? Can you imagine what would happen to me if I was caught dressing like it was 1965?Puh-leease! It would be total fashion humiliation and I would never be able to show my face in school again, then I’d fall by the wayside and my grades would start-
Helen leaves and goes down to Daria’s room at the end of the
hall as Quinn’s rant continues in the background. Daria’s finished writing in
her journal when Helen knocks.
DARIA (quietly to herself) Should I answer or pretend I’ve snuck out?
HELEN The lock is a privilege you know.
Conceding defeat Daria turns off the tape player and tosses her journal under the bed before opening the door.
DARIA How do you know I didn’t sneak out?
HELEN And go where?
DARIA Well I could be having fun at the napalm dump on the outskirts of town.
HELEN And risk physical exertion? I have a better idea, on Thursday-
She hauls out a small paper filled box from under her bed.
DARIA Give me a moment (pulls out a paper) Here we go, why I can’t participate in anything Thanksgiving or fall festival related.
HELEN Do you keep a whole file under there?
DARIA I can neither confirm nor deny that.
HELEN Very well. But Daria please, hear me out.
DARIA Mom, I have very strong moral beliefs on this-
DARIA To listen only.
HELEN (hands Daria the cash) My firm is sponsoring a few
individuals to dress up as pilgrims for the parade, but at the last minute the
woman from San Antonio was unable make it, we have the costume but need someone
to fill it. It’ll only be for a few hours in the morning so what do you say?
DARIA Pardon my Spanish, but (accented) no.
HELEN Not even for money?
DARIA You know, after that compelling speech I would say yes but I’m supposed to write an article about the parade for the school paper. You know how school papers can be.
HELEN I see. Well since you can’t or won’t go I guess I’ll have to pull the money from your allowance to pay someone put on the dress…
DARIA Why don’t you ever try to reason with Quinn like this?
HELEN Burden of maturity Daria.
DARIA I guess I’ll just have to bear it.
HELEN (sighs) Oh well.
She leaves and Daria shuts the door.
DARIA 10, 9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2 and 1.
She opens the door and walks out to the living room where Jake is watching TV and drinking a martini. On TV these criminals are holding a guy hostage and laughing maniacally when a mechanical arm busts through the wall and grabs the perp.
TV ANNOUNCER Iron Justice will continue after these messages.
DARIA Hey dad.
DARIA (taking a seat on the couch beside Jake) I was wondering if I could get an advance on my allowance this week.
JAKE An advance? What for?
DARIA Well I wanted to get a little something for the family before the holiday.
JAKE That’s great! (gives her cash from his wallet.)
DARIA Thanks dad, oh and let’s keep mom out of the loop on this.
JAKE Out of the loop on what?
TV ANNOUNCER Have you been injured? Would you liked to be injured? You could be injured right now and not even know it! If you want cash call Joe Adler, the tough, smart lawyer.
A school bell rings and we cut the exterior of Highland High, a typical one story high school, similar to the one shown in King of the Hill (for those without Beavis & Butt-Head experience.) We cut to the interior and a room marked “School Paper” Daria is standing in front of Cassandra’s desk. Cassandra is a tall, thin brunette with glasses who always wears a dress and hiking boots and has a deep voice.
CASSANDRA Well Daria I like your piece but well…I don’t think we should print this, though the pictures are nice we can keep those.
DARIA What’s wrong with my text? All I did was have an innocent and honest conversation with one of the most…you know what, someday I’ll invent a word to describe that level of self absorbed vacousness.
CASSANDRA And that’s the point, I know you’re just fashion reporter until Earl’s finally expelled and you can take his position on the paper but until then I, and more specifically Ms. Tress, as she stated after reading your article, need you to be fair and unbiased, that’s what we promise the school body and the individuals I answer to.
DARIA That article is fair and unbiased, from a certain point of view.
CASSANDRA (laughs) Can it Obi-Wan. Maybe you can find something to write about on the parade.
DARIA Sorry, can’t do it, I’m going to be in the parade.
CASSANDRA Never mind then. One last thing; Stewart got over zealous this morning and printed out a hundred copies or so of the paper with your article before I got in, can you do me a favor and shred them?
DARIA Can do.
Cassandra hands her the stack of papers, more like fliers than full fledged newspapers and gives them to Daria. She takes them to the shredder, appropriately marked “FAX MACHINE”, shoves a copy into her jacket, then turns around to face Cassandra and shreds the whole lot while Cassandra watches.
Later we see Daria at the Fast Copies, the white building in the block of stores across from the Maxi-Mart, she hands the clerks a twenty and goes to a copy machine.
DARIA I spent two hours of my time on this damn thing and it’s going to get read.
She then begins the process of printing and copying it.
The Thanksgiving Day parade, as shown in Beavis & Butt-Head Comics #11. Balloons are floating in the breeze; Van Driessen is walking around dressed as a headless turkey trying to rally concern for his cause as others, dressed as pilgrims and Indians walk about. Daria is one of those people; Beavis and Butt-Head are walking away from her while we zoom in on her.
DARIA That ends that bout of good, clean masochistic fun.
Her attention changes to her mother, sans humiliating costume.
HELEN I’m so glad you decided to do this.
DARIA Just remember you owe me.
HELEN I know.
DARIA (holds her hand out) 25 dollars to be exact.
Helen hands over the cash then her phone rings.
HELEN (answering the phone) Hello Helen Morgendorffer. (starts walking off) Yes, I got it done. Thank you Dwayne. You’ll tell cousin Eric? Thank you. Maybe a change of scenery would be nice, next year?
She walks out of hearing range of Daria, who once comfortable with the distance pulls a bunch of fliers from her frock. She softly hums “Sympathy for the Devil” to herself and takes the fliers to a big leaf blower rigged up to the back off a giant cornucopia float.
DARIA Thank you Mr. Anderson.
Awhile later the parade itself starts up, Daria and the Schrecter Pilgrims hang behind the last float as the music starts and they all move forward. A foul smell takes the air and Daria flinches at the foulness, she turns her head and sees the source not too far behind her.
DARIA Change of plans.
She slows down so that soon she’s in the back with them as they fart their way forward pretending to be balloons. (Because they’re filled with gas)
DARIA (points at the leaf blowers) Hey guys, if you like gas pull that string.
BUTT-HEAD Huh-huh she said ‘pull her string’. Huh-huh.
BEAVIS He-he-m-he-he. Tampons are cool.
BUTT-HEAD Huh-huh- uh…wait, no they aren’t. Tampons suck. Like a tampon means you aren’t getting any.
DARIA You guys are reading too far into this.
BUTT-HEAD Dumb ass, I can’t read.
BEAVIS I can. He-he. I’ve got green eggs with my ham. He-he. My ham smells funny.
DARIA Just shut up and turn on that leaf blower. It’ll be cool.
BUTT-HEAD Uh, oh. Like that’s different or something.
BEAVIS Yeah, why didn’t you say so before? Cool stuff is cool. He-he.
They run forward and pull the string, Daria watches the fliers shoot up into the air and rain down on the crowd along with the confetti. She continues to hum “Sympathy for the Devil” quietly.
DARIA WILL RETURN
A NAPALM JOINT
© 2004 NapalmKracken. Beavis, Butt-Head, Daria and all related characters are pimped out by MTV, who in turn is a dirty whore for Viacom. Huh-huh, I said ‘whore’.