(A Daria story in a Beavis and Butt-Head format)
“If You Want Fashion You Got It”
And I quote,
“Second verse, same as the first.” –The Ramones, Judy is a Punk
Walking down unkempt suburban streets we start with Daria (black jacket, red skirt) who has a large camera on a strap around her neck when she comes upon B&B doing their thing; namely sitting in the dirt and trying to make grasshoppers fight.
DARIA (angry, to herself) I hate this damn town.
NOW IN VINTAGE-VISION!
Since this is directly from an old B&B episode we cut to a faded brown looking version of the scene that occasionally skips.
BUTT-HEAD Hey Dia-uh, er Daria. Where’d you get the camera?
BEAVIS Yeah! You look like one of those pappa-nazis!
DARIA (angry) My parents made me
join the school paper. The paper made me fashion reporter because I’m a girl. (really gets pissed) I hate fashion! There’s no fashion in
this town! I want to be an enquiring reporter!
BEAVIS Yeah! Yeah! Then you can take pictures in the girl’s locker room!
BUTT-HEAD Yeah, and enquiring about
how they’d like to please Big Daddy Butt-Head.
DARIA God, you’re gross.
She takes their picture with her camera.
BEAVIS Hey, why’d you do that?
DARIA You never know; National Geographic might call.
As we fade back into normal color she hastily walks off and continues down the street, alone with her picture. She shakes it and watches it develop. A malicious grin crosses her face. Cut to the exterior of what used to be a Taco Bell, but has since been converted into the Teriyaki Bowl. The inside still looks very Taco Bell too, but with Japanese stuff lying about in lieu of sombreros and ponchos. Daria and Cassandra are at a window table, Cassandra is picking at some spaghetti looking thing while Daria intently eats a bowl of rice.
CASSANDRA (shakes her head) Daria, Daria, Daria.
DARIA I don’t think that’s how it goes.
CASSANDRA You betrayed me with that Thanksgiving stunt.
DARIA How so?
CASSANDRA Well I told you to shred those copies and instead you released them to the public.
DARIA I don’t know precisely how those boys got those copies, maybe a home copy I made slipped into their couch and they made copies of it and…it would be cool.
They stare at each other for a long, awkward pause.
CASSANDRA You shouldn’t have resorted to that. I tell you time and again just to be a little more positive in your writing.
DARIA And you still don’t get it.
CASSANDRA Maybe I don’t, you’re gifted Daria and we don’t want to lose you. Otherwise I wouldn’t have told the parade committee those boys stole those copies and did what they did because they didn’t properly understand the concept of confetti when I explained it to them. (shakes her head) I can’t believe I had to go on Teen Talk. (points her fork at Daria) But I swear, if you pull something like this again I’ll take it personal. I’m looking out for you; when I say don’t print it, please. I just don’t want trouble for you or me.
Daria takes a delayed moment to respond to Cassandra.
DARIA Now I understand. (eats and mumbles) I understand everything.
CASSANDRA Come again?
DARIA I said what’s under this damn thing? (holds up the fried seafood thing covering the rice.)
CASSANDRA The food here is pretty bad. Since when was yakasoba made with old spaghetti noodles and pot roast leftovers?
DARIA I don’t know but it’s something I can look into.
CASSANDRA Fashion, Daria. Fashion is your objective.
DARIA My objective? Have you ever thought maybe you take this whole school paper thing a little too seriously?
CASSANDRA Daria if I wasn’t serious they’d just replace me with someone who is.
DARIA And therein lies our problem, but if they ran out of serious people…
CASSANDRA Hold up, say that again. That almost sounds like a twisted perversion of optimism.
DARIA I’m as optimistic as your yakasoba is real.
CASSANDRA Diet optimism, sounds marketable.
DARIA And it would make you look so sexy. Now back to brass tacks, I want to be an enquiring photographer, something that could easily take the place of the schools fashion column.
CASSANDRA Then enquire about fashion, I don’t know- active wear. Enquire about what statistically 58% of the school wants to see.
DARIA Gee, only 58%?
CASSANDRA It would have been higher had it not been for a certain someone who filled out well over a dozen questionnaires demanding a classic literature review over a fashion section.
DARIA (breaks eye contact, stirs her food with a chopstick) They ever catch that miscreant? That person just meant trouble for everyone.
CASSANDRA Daria; next time you want to be disruptive to a fair and democratic procedure try mixing up your handwriting a bit and maybe don’t pick the same fill in response for all of them. That’s why you have to be fashion reporter.
DARIA Really, I thought it was because I was a girl.
CASSANDRA (shrugs) Actually yeah; first they wanted to deny you any position on the paper but then they realized the irony of a girl who hates fashion being a fashion reporter so they went with that. I said yes to it since I figured you would pull off the job better than any guy.
DARIA Score one for the feminazi.
CASSANDRA Can you see any of those other louts filling your position?
DARIA (pause, trying to make the lie believable) Yes. Yes I can.
CASSANDRA I don’t get it. If you hate the position so much why don’t you just quit?
DARIA I’d loved to be fired for creative differences but that won’t happen either. I promised my parents I’d complete a year on the school paper and then they’d never ask me to do anything extracurricular ever again.
CASSANDRA Thanks for the incriminating evidence.
DARIA I guess if I’m going to be stuck working for the school’s paper can you at least do me one small favor?
DARIA (holds a chopstick up to her heart) Push.
CASSANDRA No can do chief.
DARIA Then can you quit misspelling my name?
We see Daria’s reflection in a mirror as she tapes the picture of Beavis and Butt-Head to it. With lipstick she writes, “Hugs and kisses and stuff” under it. She considers it for a moment, wipes it off with her sleeve and uses her left hand to shakily write the message over.
DARIA Thanks for the advice Cassandra.
We pull out to see
she’s in Quinn’s room, with a swift move she slinks back down the short hall to
the living room. Jake is watching Walking Tall.
TV ANNOUNCER And now back to the Walking Tall-athon!
On the TV- Buford T. Pusser (Joe Don Baker) is the guy in an orange shirt sitting beside the fat lawyer (Some other dude) on a lawn.
LAWYER Ideals and reality are far apart. One of these days someone’s going to point it out to you.
PUSSER You already have, thank you.
Daria pauses only briefly to look at the screen. The living room and dining area are one and the same, kind of an L shaped wrapped around the kitchen. Quinn sits at the table eating baby carrots and trying on silver nail polish while Helen is going through the fridge in the background. Daria takes the newspaper from the chair and tries reading it at the table, the fumes from Quinn’s polish bother her and in turn the shadow of Daria’s paper obscures Quinn’s nail polishing light.
QUINN Do you mind?
DARIA Yes, and I love the smell of lead after school.
QUINN (moves her painting hand over) Uh! You’re throwing off my concentration, shut up!
DARIA Just remember which hand is painting and which is eating.
The moment the attention is off Quinn she does accidentally bite her nail polishing hand. Her face goes pale with fear.
QUINN Um…mom…what does lead taste like?
DARIA (holds up the nail polish bottle) Unless it killed your taste buds on contact there should be an incredible burning sensation in your mouth by now.
Quinn snatches the bottle from her amused sister’s hand; she bolts straight to her room. Moments later…
QUINN (scream-over) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
DARIA (scribbles onto her notepad) Definite fashion don’t.
Helen gives Daria a look.
DARIA Teenage girls; can’t live with them… (shrugs)
HELEN (sighs) Teenage adults can be about the same. (Daria shrugs again) Daria, I’m going to the Clothes Closet.
DARIA That’s nice. I think I’m going to go sleep in mine. (pause) I take that back, give me a minute.
Cut to Helen standing in the driveway next to the car waiting for Daria, Quinn is in the back seat.
QUINN Let’s go Mom.
Daria comes out the front door with her camera around her neck.
HELEN Why are you bringing the camera?
DARIA Um… If I’m going to be on the paper I might as well learn to accessorize around it.
HELEN That’s the spirit!
Daria gets in the backseat opposite Quinn, who pushes herself as far from her sister as possible.
DARIA So what did the Center for
Poison Control have to say?
HELEN Daria! For once can you go five minutes without antagonizing your sister?!
Daria sighs and gets out of the car.
HELEN Hold it- you stay back there with Quinn. Bond.
DARIA Isn’t that punishment a
HELEN You made your decision now stick with it.
She gets back in, Quinn smiles evilly.
QUINN M-om, you know how we where talking about updating my wardrobe- you know, up into this season…
HELEN Quinn, I said we’d see about it.
QUINN But mom, you don’t understand- it would be best if you just gave me the cash for what I wanted, while you force Daria into buying something a little less black, it would save us all time and you’re always saying time is money!
DARIA That’s a lot of build up to ask for such a little thong.
Quinn looks for a moment like her secret’s out until Helen speaks.
HELEN (yells) DARIA! One more word out of you and QUINN selects your next outfit!
Daria’s face shows nothing but absolute horror and she goes dead quiet. A glance over at Quinn shows she’s keeping score with her hands- Quinn 2, Daria 0. Daria gives her an unseen finger in return.
QUINN (yells) MOM!
HELEN (yells) QUINN! One more word out of you and DARIA selects your next outfit!
The Clothes Closet; a downtown strip mall clothing center
wedged between the Highland Motel (As seen on “Feel A
Cop”) and a pawnshop. (For every 100 people or so in any small
DARIA (under her breath) Active wear, action was not specified.
She’s gotten kind of wrapped up into this when Helen taps her on the shoulder; she goes rigid for a second of surprise then turns her head nonchalantly at Helen. Quinn takes the moment to escape.
HELEN Are you feeling okay?
DARIA Same as always. I’m just taking pictures for a school assignment.
HELEN (shrugs) That explains why you came so easily and with no bribe.
Daria pauses, mentally kicking herself for forgetting to bribe.
HELEN So what is this project?
DARIA Mom, I’d love to tell you but…it’s kind of a security issue. Don’t ask, don’t tell. That kind of thing.
HELEN (rolls her eyes) Daria-
Daria sidesteps this situation by grabbing a burnt orange T-shirt off a nearby rack and holds it up in front of herself.
DARIA Hey look, it’s not black or white. I like it.
A lithe blonde sales lady with a big nose walks up to Daria and Helen.
SALESLADY Excuse me ma’am, but our other customers don’t appreciate your taking pictures so if you’ll please stop it’ll be most appreciated. Thank yew!
(Yes, it’s spelled ‘yew’ on purpose, welcome to
DARIA Ma’am, I’m performing a vital task for the Highland Herald. I need to take pictures here, to reveal the side of
The wording has it’s desired effect
and blondie is stunned.
SALESLADY Um…okay. But our other customers don’t like your taking their pictures, so if’n y’all can please refrain it’ll be much appreciated.
DARIA Comprende. Hey, where’s the boot section?
SALESLADY Buenos nachoritos then! And if you want boots try Buddy’s Army-Navy or sporting goods across the street. He also loves hav’n his picture taken, free publicity and all.
DARIA I’ll take that into consideration.
The sales lady leaves, Daria turns to Helen, but she’s already off looking at other clothes. She takes the opportunity to slip off herself. We cut to her in the Army-Navy trying on boots between the ceiling height racks of boots. In the background we see two elderly Filipino ladies behind the counter having a conversation in Tagalog. Daria pulls down a pair of tall flight deck boots* and is trying them on.
[*Daria’s boots are all leather and appear to be steel toed, therefore qualifying them as flight deck boots, the more generic combat boot lacks the steel toe requirement. I could also refer to the boots, as “jump boots”, which externally look similar but are even more so reinforced.]
DARIA These feel right.
Suddenly a steel pot wearing Beavis is flung through the racks of coats ahead of her and he lands hard on his head.
BEAVIS Aww! That hurts bunghole. Heh-m-heh.
Then Butt-Head, wearing a Kevlar helmet and a carrying an entrenching tool steps through the rack.
BUTT-HEAD Huh-huh. I kicked your ass.
BEAVIS Heh-heh. No you didn’t, heh-heh, Like, my head got in the way.
DARIA Finally find a good use for it?
BUTT-HEAD Huh-huh, I thought I smelled Diarrhea, but I just thought Beavis crapped in his pants when I kicked his ass. Huh-huh. That was cool.
BEAVIS Dammit, heh, you didn’t kick my ass. Heh-heh. (he picks one of Daria’s old hiking boot from up off the ground and hits Butt-Head in the head with it) Now I like, kicked your ass. Heh-heh.
BUTT-HEAD (rubbing his head) Huh-huh, no you didn’t asswipe, you like hit my head.
BEAVIS Yeah, heh-heh. But like, you’re BUTT-Head, so I like, kicked your ass with Diarrhea’s shoe.
BUTT-HEAD Huh-huh. Shut up and stop being a brain, butt wagon. Huh, like don’t put Diarrhea out of a job.
DARIA (mumbles) Or I might have to get my own show.
BEAVIS & BUTT-HEAD What?
DARIA You can leave if you guys are done bothering me.
BUTT-HEAD Uh-huh. Hop along Beavis. (smacks Beavis on the ass with a belt.)
BEAVIS (in pain) Ah!
Butt-Head belt smacks his partner out of the scene. Daria takes off the boots and goes to the cash register.
DARIA I’d like to buy these.
CASHIER LADY (heavily accented) Okay, 90 dollars.
DARIA (checks her pocket) I’ve only got 60 for boots.
CASHIER LADY Sorry. (She hands Daria the boots back) Put them back where you found them please. Thank you.
DARIA Wait! (grabs an ammo belt off a nearby rack) How much for one of these?
Daria walks around the sporting goods section of the store for a moment before the owner, Buddy throws her a question.
BUDDY Can I help you?
DARIA I have some questions about active wear.
BEAVIS (off screen) Cool!
Daria does a double-take.
BEAVIS (off screen) Snug nads!
She does another.
BUTT-HEAD (off screen) The family jewels are secure!
Beavis and Butt-Head leave the changing room wearing nothing but their shirts and very strategically placed eye patches.
BEAVIS How do we look?
She does a third wild double take.
DARIA Wow! Even smaller than I though!
She snaps a picture and the boys embarrassedly pull down their T-shirts. Fade back into normal color.
DARIA The Highland, Texas makeover, where don’t ask meets tell all.
BUTT-HEAD Uh-huh-huh. Uh…
Sitting in the school paper room Cassandra reads today’s
copy of the school paper with a smile the size of
CASSANDRA Brilliant! I knew we could count on you! I never
saw this coming!
Daria snatches a copy from Stewart as he walks by. She shows the beginnings of a smirk, which suddenly goes sour along with the rest of her expression.
She flips it around and thrusts the front page in her editor’s face.
THE THONG HAS ARRIVED!
Cassandra looks at her mistake then quickly tries to cover up.
CASSANDRA (shrugs) There’s only one F in ‘front page’ Daria, why should you get two?
Shaking her head Daria concedes defeat and walks away.
TUESDAY 5:54 PM
“Messin’ with the Kid” plays as we see Daria plopped down on her bedroom floor beside the CD player blowing her ‘rusty harp’ along with it. Outside she hears the Lexus drive up; she puts down the harp and stands up.
DARIA Show time.
Quick exterior of the house in the setting sun.
HELEN (voice over) Daria! You lose that ammo belt or else!
DARIA (voice over) Or else what do you have in mind?
We fade out as sounds of “Messin’ With The Kid” play on.
JAKE (voice over) THONG?!
HELEN (voice over) QUINN!!
DARIA WILL RETURN
A NAPALM JOINT
A BCM-7 PRODUCTION
A special thanks goes to MTV2 for playing Beavis and Butt-Head.
© 2005 NapalmKracken. Beavis, Butt-Head, Daria and all related characters are pimped out by MTV, who in turn is a dirty whore for Viacom. Huh-huh, I said ‘whore’.