Daria
in
"Yet Another Beautiful Day"
NAPALMKRACKEN
Here's a little reminder for those who are about to read this story and the
characters contained therein-
These are, and I quote- " Fictional characters. FICTIONAL characters, am, am
I getting through to you at all?"
- Holden McNeil (Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back)
We open up on a wide angled view of the lightly traveled intersection of
Grandstaff St. and Lewis Ave. in an older looking section of
Boston. We
slowly pan towards a window on the old brown brick apartment building across
from a grocery market and a pawn shop.
DJ MAX (on the radio) And up next is something for anyone who's ever woken
up in a pool of a stranger's vomit tied to a panty wearing goat. I know
we've all been there. Oh, sorry that was our last song, that ZZ Top one.
This next one is for anyone who's ever stepped up to a bar and ordered a
Molotov cocktail.
We've now panned into the window and we see Daria lying on her unmade bed
reading "The Count of Monte Cristo". The rest of the room is in an even
worst state of disrepair.
The radio starts playing
"What a Girl Wants".
DJ MAX What the hell?! Shut it off!
We hear a multitude of distorted noises and Daria looks at her radio
bewildered by the turn of events.
DJ MAX How do I turn it off?!
The song momentarily plays backwards revealing hidden lyrics.
LYRICS (played backwards in demonic female voice) Come, pay homage to MTV
and give us the blood of your children! HA!HA!HA!HA!
Finally the song is stopped and we hear a fire.
DJ MAX Ahh! Cindy, do something! (pause) Not my vodka! Use the cheap stuff!
Put it out dammit! (pause) Zen Masters first! Mommee!
BEEP!
LEHRMAN (on radio) And now, the weather...in Hell.
We cut to an old manor overlooking the ocean and "Parla Piu Piano" (the
theme from the Godfather) subtly starts in as we go to the large ballroom
inside. The atmosphere is joyous and a band, headed by Dominic Chanese
(Uncle Junior from the Sopranos) plays on a makeshift wooden stage. Many
people dressed in there finest mill around the luxurious room. Several
tables of fine foods are set up and the whole room inspires a 19th century
romantic feel. Daria comes in dressed in her work uniform- black skirt,
white button up shirt, skinny
black tie and now with a black jacket for that
"Blues Brothers" look. The only thing missing is the pork pie and dark
sunglasses. We see Salvatore and Paulie, one with his arm in a sling, the
other with his leg in a cast standing by the enormous gilded door as Daria
enters.
DARIA Paulie, Salvatore, I hope you guys are all right.
PAULIE We can assure you we're quite all right Ms. Morgendorffer, we just
had a little accident today.
SALVATORE Business associates ain't as thick as they used to be.
PAULIE Be quite Salvatore!
SALVATORE You're bustin' my bawls Paulie! What have I said about you bustin'
my bawls?!
They argue as Daria walks off and we pan over to Jane. She's wearing a clean
white shirt for this formal affair and is standing with Trent and Jesse.
Jesse is wearing a full tuxedo, with the exception of a shirt and Trent has
a black coat on. When Jane sees Daria she hollers over at her.
JANE Hey Joliet! Get over here!
Daria makes her way through the room to her cohorts.
DARIA (notices Jesse's missing shirt) Uh, Jesse, I think you forgot
something.
JESSE My watch stopped working so I didn't bring it.
JANE He lent
Trent his shirt.
TRENT (to Jesse) Oh yeah, sorry about your shirt.
JESSE (nods) I'll put it on your tab.
TRENT (nods) Right on.
JANE So Service Specialist Daria, are you here to cater or party?
By force of habit Daria had put her nametag from work on so she quickly
pulls it off and shoves it in her pocket.
DARIA The usually reasons- Intellectual conversations, snack on free food,
purvey wines I'll never afford to drink again.
JANE And
did you catch the hat on the gate guard? I think it's safe to
assume history's going to repeat itself tonight.
DARIA You still keep in touch with Bobby Big-Head? That's so cute.
JANE (grumble) You win, new topic- I thought only your management wore those
jackets?
DARIA I got the jacket so I could attend formal occasions such as these.
JANE And what's more formal than an old fashion dinner party thrown by an
old fashion Mafioso?
DARIA The Amish.
At this point Jesse's grandfather, Pete gets up on stage and motions for the
band to stop playing. He faintly resembles Jesse in the face and appears to
be about
90.
PETE Associates, colleagues, men of respect, men of honor, friends...family,
I would like to thank you all for joining me on this most joyous occasion. A
day I have to had to remind myself of for the past 60 years since most of
you weren't there when it first meant something to me. Today, 60 years ago a
young man put a shingle out on Bernstein Way that stated "Moreno Wood
Furnishings and Fine Cabinets". Well the business didn't do too well for
awhile but stayed open long enough for the wares to become antiques!
(laughter from the gathered people) And now I stand before, you sixty years
after the fact and would like to thank you all for the parts you have played
in helping keep business
going strong, whether it be by your tireless
efforts, kind words or kinder checkbooks I thank you all. Even the moochers,
(Jane glances at Daria) you remind me an old man still means something to
someone.
He gets off the stage and things continue as before.
JANE I'm going for something to drink, you want anything?
DARIA A Molotov cocktail would be nice.
Daria looks around and sees an old book under glass near the draped windows
so she investigates it. It's a lovely hardbound copy of "The Count of Monte
Cristo" that hasn't appeared to age much in the last century since it was
first
published.
DARIA Sure beats my copy.
Then a slim, sly looking young man appears over her shoulder.
MARTY Even mine.
DARIA What? (turns and sees him) Oh, didn't see you.
MARTY Understandable, I'm Martin Villefort.
He whips out his hand for a handshake and Daria pretends not to see it.
DARIA Daria Morgendorffer.
MARTY Pleased to meet you Daria, call me Marty. That book is admirable,
isn't it?
DARIA I've never seen anything like it.
MARTY Other than this example,
neither have I. But, working for Mr. Moreno I
get to see it and some of his others now and again. That's a rare beauty, a
first edition copy with a custom made cover, it's over 150 years old
according to Mr. Moreno.
DARIA I have a couple first edition printings of my own, though I don't pull
them out much.
MARTY Do they see much light?
DARIA Not really.
MARTY Good, light can ruin them. Which ones do you have?
DARIA It's been awhile since I checked but I should have a run of Horatio
Alger stories from the 1870's.
MARTY Horatio Alger, wow. (motions to the book) I wonder how he would handle
this.
(makes a soft laugh) I'd love to see them some time.
DARIA I bet.
MARTY Oh! I'm not coming onto you if that's what you think- I'm a serious
collector of first edition books. I'm in the First Run Society, we collect,
talk about and show each other our first edition books. We have a meeting
later tonight as a matter of fact, I'd love to see your Alger books.
DARIA I don't know...
MARTY I have this collection of Twains' that you wouldn't believe.
Daria looks interested now.
MARTY It's at the public library, nine o'clock if you're interested. Good
meeting you Daria.
He leaves and Jane comes back on the scene a little indignant.
JANE Can't believe the bastard with the wine tried to card me!
DARIA Who'd have thought a mobster had something against law breaking.
JANE Who'd have thought I'd see you chatting up the boys.
DARIA Marty? He just invited me to a first edition book deal down at the
library.
JANE Well I for one am impressed, not only are you already on a first name
basis with him but a date too? I guess the godfather did grant my wish.
DARIA Bobby Big-Head's back?
We go to the public library, where inside we see a younger crowd of people
showing off their prized books to one another and feigning attempts at
psuedo-intellectual conversations. Daria walks in with her book bag over her
shoulder and takes stock of the situation when Marty comes at her from
behind again.
MARTY Daria, so glad you could make it. What do you think of our little get
together?
DARIA I've noticed that there are people and books.
MARTY
Speaking of books, did you bring yours?
DARIA They're in my bag.
She takes off her book bag and pulls out a brown box with the books in them,
Marty sticks up his nose and looks them over.
MARTY Hm. I'm sorry, but whoever told you these were first editions lied to
you.
DARIA He was pretty good at that, and how can you tell these aren't first
editions?
MARTY I have a nose for such things.
He flippantly gives her the book back and she goes to retort.
DARIA (voice over) Don't say anything, if he's going to try and be an ass
let your column do all the talking. (quick faked grin) I can
tell.
MARTY Please excuse the slight size and composition of our group, we try to
arrange meetings around everyone's schedules but still only a portion seem
to come.
DARIA (extremely monotonically) Only the schedules keep them from coming.
(?)
MARTY Come, let's meet the other members.
DARIA Thanks, I'd like to meet the other members of this club.
MARTY (freaks) Hey, we're not a club! We're a society! Clubs are for geeks!
DARIA And there's no geeks here.
MARTY That name has no meaning here. You, know, it almost feels like you've
been mocking me since you came
in.
DARIA (innocently) Me? Mock somebody? Next thing I know you'll be calling me
sarcastic.
A snooty young bastard comes up to Marty and shakes his hand.
NOIRTIER Marty good to see you, and who is this?
MARTY Daria, someone told her that her books are first editions.
NOIRTIER Criminals. So Daria, good meeting you, if only the circumstances
could be better.
DARIA Circumstances?
NOIRTIER Your books, this war, pick one horror. This business in Iraq, you
know operating without UN sanctions.
DARIA
The UN showed it's impotency when it passed resolutions it wouldn't
enforce.
NOIRTIER (mumbles, sticks up his nose) I must be off. Good meeting you.
He hastily walks off.
MARTY My friend there- Noirtier is a founding member of this society, used
to be on the Raft Minute- Minuteman...yes, that's about all it was good for.
DARIA I've never heard of him.
MARTY Just please try not to annoy him, intellectually he could crush you or
anyone here like a bug. Moving on, we plan for an one hundred member
gathering someday, but so far we've peaked at thirty with an Isaak Denison
meeting.
DARIA The people must be
mad.
MARTY I'm glad somebody sees that.
DARIA If only more people would.
MARTY And they shall!
DARIA Couldn't agree more heartily with you.
Black screen, Daria steps into the center of it.
DARIA Due to the graphically boring nature of the rest of this meeting I
have been forced to fast forward this story for my and your own good. We now
continue our regularly scheduled program.
The Real World Boston logo appears before we...
Cut to the Road Rules logo then finally cut out this tired gagged and...
We cut to a dark apartment, some
moon light plays across the beige couch by
the window and reflects off the TV screen across from it. The front door
opens and a tired Daria tosses her coat on the couch before flopping down
onto it and turning on the TV with the remote.
DARIA Four hours. I listened to a group of jackasses try to simultaneously
look down on and impress me for four long hours.
She drags a laptop from beneath her Beavis and Butt-Head sized couch and
powers it up.
DARIA So tired. Shouldn't have got up so early. (blinks) I'll get something
to eat, that'll wake me up.
She begins to type.
DARIA Something to eat.
She types
a few more words then falters and retypes.
DARIA Wired into a survival trip now, just need to eat.
Her eyes get heavier. She taps another key and we see the room appear shaky
from her POV. She blinks and everything's changed- it's really bright and
she's staring at the TV, not her laptop. She wakes with a start.
"Combination of the Two" strikes up. (If you're unfamiliar with this watch
the first scene in the car in "Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas", also the
speeding to the airport scene)
DARIA Dammit!
She finds her laptop on the ground- it's battery died in the night, she
hurries to her bedroom and lugs out an antique
typewriter.
DARIA Good to (uh!) know an (uh!) antique dealer.
She manages to lug it onto the countertop, puts paper into and makes sure
the ink ribbon is in, after accidentally pulling it out and furiously begins
to bang away at it.
DARIA (voice over) Boston is not a good town for missing deadlines.
We see her in her blue '74 Monaco station wagon flying through traffic. She
switches lanes and zooms past a bloody accident scene involving a Stingray
and a pedestrian.
DARIA (voice over) No matter how talented you are it isn't that hard to find
three more like you in an instant, all wanting your weekly spot in the
paper.
She pulls into the student parking lot at Raft near a series of lithe red
brick buildings and hurries out of the car with her folder in hand, but has
to stop and reopen the door when her skirt gets caught in it.
DARIA (voice over) This is a fact my editor lives by. Just ask the last
forty eight "World According To Insert Name Here" columnist Raft has had
since that foul year of our Lord, nineteen hundred and seventy one.
We see the inside of an orderly looking news office and Daria pushes the
front door open while quickly flashing an ID at the
receptionist.
DARIA (voice over) According to the records I'm Daria number three.
The song is cut off by elevator music- The Girl From Ipanema to be exact.
Daria stands behind two geekish staffers in their twenties. One is
attempting to grow a goatee and the other a beer gut.
GUT So don't leave me in suspense- about the Yates story.
GOATEE (laughs) They're called "stories" for a reason. Two and two make six
if you know how to add right. Anyway, Yates' cousin's in the Klan and agreed
to say yeah to it, got a little circumstantial evidence, hell, by this time
next week do gooder Yates will be the one crucified on a burning cross,
courtesy of the Raft
Minuteman.
GUT So what do you call this new style of yours, 'fact-tion'?
Finally the doors open and Daria bolts out.
GOATEE Was someone else in here?
GUT Who?
"Combination of the Two" picks up again as she flies down a hall, deftly
maneuvering around students and faculty. She rounds the corner and...the
music quiets down as we cut to a pig nosed blonde sitting at a desk in a
small office listening to a female student.
STUDENT And that's why I think calling the Raft paper the "Boston Minuteman"
is both sexist and dated.
Daria barges in and drops the folder in the
center of the table,
interrupting the girl. The editor rolls her eyes over to the clock on the
wall.
EDINA Two minutes till, a new record for you Morgendorffer.
DARIA (catches her breath) Two minutes to spare? I need to slow down.
She doubles over and mumbles something about 'pizza and bagels' then hunches
over a potted plastic tree and we pan back to the offended student and the
un-amused editor as we hear the sound of half digest pizza and bagels.
EDINA Don't tell me your next expose is about the track team, or are you
preparing for a modeling class?
We fade into awhile later with Daria sitting in front of the desk with a
soda in her
hands as Edina the editor reads her column.
DARIA I over heard some reporters in the elevator, they're trying to start
some trouble-
EDINA (not looking up from the paper) Yeah, Yates. He started this First Run
Society you seem to loathe so it's very serendipitous you brought this piece
to me now, this and what's going to happen next week...
DARIA You condone this?
EDINA Yates gets what he deserves.
DARIA What's the big deal about this guy?
EDINA He was expelled about a year ago when he claimed that there was some
corruption in the
system, sex, money for grades, that kind of thing. Made
"Boston Public" look like "Sesame Street". Well now Ms. Morgendorffer, this
is something new. From reading this I could almost swear you didn't bother
editing this piece of work in any way. The spelling errors are infrequent,
but unusual for you.
DARIA I was in a hurry.
EDINA If I didn't know any better I'd say you went out and did this last
night then wrote it all up fifteen minutes ago.
DARIA I was just trying out a new technique.
EDINA Daria Morgendorffer, gonzo journalist. When most people throw this
kind
of slop at me I don't even think twice about replacing them, but this
raw style works for you. And to think I thought I'd have to cut you loose
next week, replace you with Daria number four.
DARIA Newer isn't always better.
EDINA Idea- why don't you make a running expose out of this? Yates is their
founder, we're going to blow him out of the water, we've made arrangements
to guarantee it. This will be the double punch from Hell. Get in with them
again, if this all works it'll establish you. Maybe even get you noticed.
DARIA I don't know about it, I came home feeling
wrong-
EDINA Wrong? How could you feel wrong?
DARIA I had to fake not hating those people the entire time to get in with
them. I can't stand feeling like a hypocritical liar.
EDINA I see, but Daria, what's more wrong, that or letting your talent go to
waste when I have to fire you?
We hear gunshots being fired and fade into the outside of a squat brick
building near some trees. The sign in the parking lot reads, "Bullet Lounge
and Gun Range." We go inside and see well, a gun range with people shooting.
At
the far end Jane sits in a booth talking to Daria. Jane's wearing a Colt
hat and T-shirt.
DARIA Let me guess, being a Colt billboard is your second job.
JANE Nah, just won the hat and shirt in a raffle.
DARIA Since when did you enter raffles?
JANE (slight grin) Who said I entered the raffle? So got any plans for
tomorrow night yet?
DARIA Yeah, I'm going to check out another one of those "First Run Society"
thing going on at the public library.
JANE You got my hopes up when you said 'Run' but I take it this has nothing
to do with athletics.
DARIA They collect old first
edition books.
JANE Oh, those guys. So you had so much fun you're up to do it again.
DARIA I had so much fun I decided to make them the target of a series of
columns I've been told to do. If I do this they say I might just keep my
job.
JANE Daria Morgendorffer, optimist.
DARIA Jane Lane, target practice.
JANE Hey, check out what else I got from the raffle.
She pulls out a .45 ACP clip and puts it on the table.
DARIA Those are kind of useless if you don't have all the required
equipment.
She pulls a .45
M1911A1 pistol from behind the counter and sets it down
besides the ammo, then we see Daria at the firing line and trying to aim at
the target.
JANE It's pretty easy, just inhale and pull the trigger. Or was it exhale?
Uh, point it that way.
Daria stands there with the gun aimed but doesn't do anything.
DARIA I'm pulling the trigger but nothing's happening.
JANE Try pulling harder. Pull like a big girl Daria, come on, you can do it.
She does and fires, the weapon kicks up and she falters backwards as she
drops the .45. It bangs hard on the ground and she jumps backwards.
DARIA
Ah!
JANE (picks up the gun) Okay little girl, I'll be taking that now.
She removes the clip and empties the chamber before taking it back to the
counter. We see a dirty fenced parking lot behind Daria's apartment as she
pulls in then gets out while shaking her head.
DARIA What a day-
She stops then sighs, turns around then gets back in her car. She turns the
key and the car makes some funny noises but doesn't start.
DARIA Are you against my lapse into moral ambiguity too?
She tries again but with no better results.
DARIA You know I like having some spare
cash to keep you running.
(RrrRrrrRrrr) Okay, so it's not just for the money. (RrrRrrr) I like seeing
my name in print, I like having my thoughts out where they can be read.
(RnnnRrrrRnnn) So what if I would never put them out in person? (Rrrrrrr!)
Okay, I'm a press whore. (Rrr)
She's more or less given up on key jiggling and dash slapping at this point.
DARIA You know a Focus would never give me this kind of trouble. (Rr) So
what if I'm heterosexual?
She almost gets in running and it moves forward a notch then dies
completely. She just drops her head onto the wheel and sits there for a
moment.
DARIA I
quit.
Her cell phone rings.
DARIA Morgendorffer.
EDINA (on phone) Did I catch you sleeping? I'm sorry if I interrupted
another one of your cat naps.
DARIA I'm awake, but I have something-
EDINA Let's hope you have more later then, I'm just letting you know I've
secured a first edition from the Raft library for you- does the name Franz
Kafka mean anything to you?
She sits up right.
DARIA Which one?
EDINA All of them. That's it for now, oh, and Daria number four says
hello.
DARIA IV (perky) Hi!
Daria turns off the phone, then puts her arms on the wheel and slumps again.
DARIA And that's how I stayed a teenage press whore.
She pulls herself up the rickety stairs in the apartment to the second
story, the hall is illuminated only by the limited sunlight filtering in
from the window on the opposite side of the hall. She goes to the door
across from hers and knocks. Art Bakken, her nervous, beanpole neighbor
peeks out.
ART Oh, um...hi, Daria.
DARIA (not sure how to ask) Art, I wouldn't ask you this if I had
alternatives but I need a
favor.
ART Uh...um, sure, come on in.
They enter into his personal sanctuary, a room that seems centered around
the computer in the middle on an oriental rug. He walks back towards the
kitchen and deftly removes a picture from the counter as he does. Daria
looks around and takes in the room. He has posters on the walls of old
movies, a few family photos and a framed picture of the Hiroshima mushroom
cloud. The room seems to feel very light grey and while light comes in from
the living room window the kitchen area is darker.
ART (nervously, from the kitchen) Want something to eat- shapou, lumpia,
yam-yam, opat,
Milo?
DARIA Um, no, but thanks for the offer.
He comes out of the kitchen with a wafer roll in his mouth.
ART How can, um, I, uh, er, help you then?
DARIA I was wondering if I could borrow your car today.
ART Oh, uh, sure! (he pulls the keys from his pocket) Yeah, you can use it,
it's the Crown Vic out there. I wasn't, uh, planning to leave the house till
next Monday anyway.
He walks over to her and hands her the keys.
DARIA You have no idea how disturbing that sounds.
ART Yeah I do.
She takes the keys and
turns around to leave, also grinning slightly at the
joke.
DARIA Thanks Art.
He watches her leave then she stops.
DARIA You said a Crown Vic?
ART In the parking lot, can't miss it.
She goes back to the parking lot- her car, a Malibu, an Impala, a Mustang,
some fifties car, but no Crown Vic.
DARIA It has to be here.
She looks at the cars again- her car, a Malibu, an Impala, a Mustang, some
fifties car. Then again.
DARIA He said a
Crown Vic in the parking lot, can't miss it. (she starts
cycling through the cars again) Can't- (she locks onto the fifties car) Miss
it.
I guess it's pretty obvious about now that a 1956 Crown Victoria looks
nothing like it's current incarnation. More like a Fairlane of the same
vintage, or a Bel Air. She gets in- like most cars of the era the passenger
compartment feels very open, the dashboard isn't right on you- since it
has-
DARIA No air bags and no seat belts.
She gets out and looks at the large solid steel bumper.
DARIA On second thought I pity anyone who runs into
me.
She gets in and starts it up. This takes a few moments. We see her at a
S-Mart check out line. The Jabba-esque check out clerk rings up her pencils
and soap.
CLERK That'll be 4.05 please.
Daria goes to pull the money from her wallet but it's empty.
DARIA Gimme a moment.
She pulls her check book from her pocket- but it's out of checks.
DARIA (voice over) At this point panic is perfectly acceptable in most
people. Not for me, I prefer total embarrassment in front of strangers when
nobody's around.
CLERK Please hurry up, we have PAYING customers waiting you
know.
DARIA You'll have time to eat them later.
She pulls out her credit card and reluctantly hands it to him.
CLERK A credit card for a 4.05 purchase, looks like somebody can't manage
her income.
DARIA Doesn't mean much from someone who can't manage his intake.
CLERK (swipes the card) For your information I'm big boned.
DARIA Are you sure it isn't just super hardened arteries?
CLERK Oh look, your credit card is maxed out, sorry.
DARIA Don't push me, where's the manager?
CLERK You want the manager, fine. (Picks up the phone from under the
counter) Hey Dad, we have a complainer.
Then an even bigger man rumbles over and Daria rolls her eyes.
DARIA Bo shuda.
We see her sitting on the hardwood floor of her apartment, her back against
the beige couch and looking forward at the static on TV. Jimmy Buffet music
is playing in the background somewhere. Then there's a knock at the door.
DARIA Enter.
JANE It's locked.
DARIA Push harder.
She does and it swings open with a creak.
DARIA Sorry, but my 'kiln' is still out of commission.
JANE What's wrong with
you?
DARIA I'm stewing in my own personal hell for a bit.
JANE That explains the Jimmy Buffett music. Come on, I've got something to
cheer you up.
DARIA (looks up at Jane) Cyanide capsules?
JANE Better, Mystic Spiral!
She helps Daria up.
DARIA Anthrax for the mind.
53rd & 3rd starts up as we focus on a small pub claustrophobically inserted
in the middle of a long stretch of old fashion brick buildings. The interior
though looks larger than it would seem, but the many tables the patrons sit
at crowd the dark room. Against the back wall is the stage on which the
Spiral
is playing.
TRENT So you think you can? Then come on man! I was a Green Beret in
Afghanistan!
BAND 53rd and 3rd, standin' on the street!
We pan over to Daria and Jane standing near the bar.
DARIA Trent singing a cover, now I'm in an especially good mood.
JANE Hey, he has to sing one otherwise they wouldn't let him play. Something
about standards.
DARIA Quality control.
JANE They have to sing at least one good song a night.
DARIA But they played this one
instead.
JANE I know you're always cheery but what's your big gripe today? Still
pissed the world didn't end on time?
DARIA I expected that, but I've just had a bad day.
JANE Would you mind reiterating it loudly and in public for me please?
DARIA I couldn't afford a four dollar trip to the store, my car died on me,
I'm hearing the Spiral play a cover song and to top it off I'm in an
ethical quagmire.
JANE You should stop going there, it messes up your boots. Speaking of going
places, I thought I was working tonight but the damndest thing happened at
work today.
DARIA
Misfire accident involving your boss?
JANE You know me too well. So they let me have tonight off. Tonight and
every night from now on. (raises her glass) Here's to the night.
We see the old Crown Vic coming down a city street at night with Jane behind
the wheel.
JANE I was going to show you this tomorrow night, but hell, why not now?
We pan on ahead of them to see a large building shaped like a human heart
with a tree growing out of it before pulling out to see the girls admiring
it from the sidewalk.
JANE The Sick, Sad Museum, now with a special animal maulings
exhibit.
DARIA There is a God.
JANE And for five bucks we can get our picture taken with his cousin!
DARIA The one twice or thrice removed?
We hear the sounds of a camera snapping pictures and they appear in front of
us- Jane with the one legged Lothario's artificial leg in place of her own.
Daria with fake blood and dirt in her hair under the paw of a rabid
kangaroo. Together having a corn dog with The Human Torso. (Letterman joke).
Sticking their heads into a cut out of the Alien Love Goddesses, then a
picture of Jane signing the autograph of a fan, followed by one of the fan
trying to kiss her and finally Jane trying to sucker punch
him. Together on
a huge mound being surrounded by seagulls on a postcard that reads, "Our
Vacation in the World's Largest Pile of Seagull Droppings!" We pull out to
see the postcard in Daria's hand as she peacefully sleeps on her bed,
illuminated by moonlight then we pull up and out into the beautiful night.
LEHRMAN (on the radio) Do you ever experience dryness in your humor? Then
listen to this as Zen Rock ninety-eight point pre- eighties in the morning
hit's the ground running on a highway to Hell.
Highway to Hell is the anthem of the morning as we see the sky light up and
we pan over to the Raft campus where a disgruntled Daria is seen leaving a
class and heading for the school paper building. She enters the
building and
nearly bumps into a graying old woman on her way in.
DARIA Sorry.
LADY You look distressed, perhaps I can help you, I was a student once so
whatever happened I can probably relate.
DARIA Ever been removed from a class for repeatedly questioning a
professor's stand on Anglo-American literature then debating him and at the
climax be told remove yourself from class?
LADY Oh...Never mind.
Daria keeps on walking to the elevator.
DARIA Me neither.
She gets off and enters a large room with a semi-relaxed pace. People sit at
desks doing a multitude of tasks as Daria
walks on back to the editor's
office. Edina is sitting back and talking on the phone looking out the
window onto the student parking lot.
EDINA Yeah, the third row down. By the black Skylark, yeah him. (pause) Not
once, twice. (pause) Sometimes the talent people lack in writing they make
up for elsewhere. (pause) Of course I'm getting rid of him after the Yates
controversy is over.
A knock at the door.
EDINA I'll be a moment.
She puts down the phone.
EDINA Enter.
Daria comes in and
pulls a paper from her book bag.
EDINA Requesting an extension already?
DARIA Yeah, I'd like to extend my stint as Daria number three.
She flips over to her column, still entitled "World According to Daria" and
points at it.
EDINA Yes, that's your name, very good dear, you can read and write,
astonishing.
DARIA I didn't write this.
EDINA Of course not, but we had to keep up appearances, if we put your piece
in there it would blow your cover. So I had Daria number four write this
weeks, she's quite good.
DARIA With a red crayon I bet, I gave you a second column to
run.
EDINA Daria, exploding toilets will never bring you or anyone else a
Pulitzer Prize. Now don't worry, you'll get your precious column back as
soon as this is over and we slap your name on it. Now meet me at the
library at five thirty and I should have gotten those Kafka books for you,
but for now you can go now, okay?
Daria is obviously displeased by this turn of events but lacking options
just leaves. She goes to a small alcove in the main room with a fridge,
coffee and food then leans on the counter. A cute and hip looking blonde
walks into it and nearly bumps into Daria.
DARIA IV Sorry, didn't see you there.
DARIA
Should have worn a hunting vest.
The other girl stops and looks Daria over.
DARIA IV Whoa, coming from you that doesn't sound right, like Columbine
alert! Besides, we don't need to kill animals for the self gratification we
crave, that's what all organic tofu's for! Unless organic tofu's on 'the
list' I guess it would be okay then, not to be judgmental of others of
course.
DARIA Where's garrote wire when you need it?
DARIA IV (suddenly looks worried) Whoa, whoa, I'm not on the list am I?
DARIA I don't know, you sound familiar, but I have trouble keeping all the
voices in my head
straight.
DARIA IV (proudly) I'm Daria Vedeffer, and as for your voices, there's
nothing wrong with alternative living! Only Martha Stewart's! Ha! Ha!
Daria Number Four takes a coke from the fridge.
DARIA My replacement. (groans) No, not replacement, you're like the
embodiment of MTV ordained youth culture.
DARIA IV Oh, you're Daria Morgendorffer, hey, we all need help on the road
of life, that's why I've been contracted to take over your column.
DARIA Until the expose is over.
DARIA IV No, permanently. They felt you where a drag who is so out of touch
with the student body, your aloofness is almost
legendary!
DARIA Aloofness? Where'd you hear that, Carson Daly?
DARIA IV See? Carson isn't even on MTV anymore, get with the program!
Freakin'...nineties style.
DARIA I just talked to Edina, she said you're only on my column until I'm
done with this expose.
DARIA IV Like no way! I got notarized proof she said she'd hire me for no
less than a term. I'm a law major so don't screw with me- legal protection
is in, the second amendment is out!
DARIA In my backseat.
DARIA IV You see, I'm more of an upgrade. Your problem is that you judge
people. I don't judge, as you do, I want to help the enlightened students
liberate themselves!
DARIA But isn't calling someone 'unenlightened' because he or she may not
agree with you being judgmental? Or is it because you can blanket yourself
with a candy coated layer of the popular, feel good crap you spew that your
can fully justify yourself?
The other Daria is left speechless. Daria swipes the coke from her hands.
DARIA I'll be taking that now little girl.
Daria walks off.
DARIA (voice over) I couldn't stand this situation for a moment longer, I
had to do something- my tri-weekly laundry run had been put off for too long
so I did that.
We cut to her sitting in row of
identical orange plastic chairs in a bland
seventies style laundry mat. She's reading "The Rum Diary" and has "Crime
and Punishment" next to her. She finishes then puts down the book as we pan
to the two men beside her- a tall man with an arrogant face and a paunchy
old man in gargoyle shooting glasses with a cigarette dangling from his
mouth.
CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN You think too much.
Her head snaps in their direction and looks at him but then she realizes the
CSM is talking to his friend beside her.
YEAMON Have to think, need a vacation from thinking. Why be journalists when
we could have taken the easy road? Stayed home, just been what was expected
of us. We went to
the same damn places, did the same damn things everyone
has done for fifty years, waiting for something to happen.
CSM Shut up and have some ether.
He hands Yeamon a handkerchief, he blows his nose into it then hands it
back, but then CSM waves him off.
YEAMON (loudly) I took off- I'm a rebel, where's my reward?
CSM You fool! There is no reward, there never was.
They notice her glancing at them then the CSM holds up the handkerchief.
CSM Ether?
DARIA (voice over) I decided it was time to set things straight, they wanted
an expose? I would give them an expose to remember me
by.
We see her walking down a littered sidewalk in a slummish part of town.
DARIA (voice over) Why bother with newspapers, if this is all they offer?
Thompson was right. Journalism is not a profession or a trade, it is a
cheap catch all for mess ups and misfits- a false doorway to the backside of
life, a filthy piss ridden little hole nailed off by the building inspector,
but just deep enough for a wino to curl up from the sidewalk and masturbate
like a chimp in a zoo cage.
A newspaper blows by her as she enters a building. We pan up it and see a
transmitter on top of it and a sign with "Z-ROCK 98.8" in stylized letters.
We cut to the digital watch on Edina's wrist- 5:30. Edina is standing alone
inside of Raft Library. It's cavernous and very empty at the moment. Daria
is coming around the side of the building, she has her hand in her coat
pocket and we hear her flick something.
DARIA Safety's off, time to end this.
She takes her hand out of her pocket and meets Edina at the entrance.
EDINA You're late.
DARIA Car trouble.
EDINA Car trouble. Nobody and nothing likes you.
DARIA Never ask them to. Now what about the books?
As they talk they walk outside and down the steps of the
landing.
EDINA Changed my mind, this book club deal of yours is trite humor, this
time next week we're going to have a campus on fire and it's going to be
covered from all angles. There won't be a First Run Society in a week
anyway.
DARIA I've heard that not everything that's going to be said about Yates is
true.
EDINA So what? We had to pay a few people for their testimonies, and with
the pictures his cousin gave us, it's uncanny how much they look alike. No
one will tell the difference.
DARIA You're going use a fabricated story to stir people up and hopefully
destroy a man's
reputation?
EDINA The Raft Minuteman is dead in the water, the dean wants us cut,
this'll prove we are still a viable part of Raft. I have no trouble telling
you this because you need the motivation- you know everyone but this paper
has rejected you, we're your only hope of getting published as a journalist
and you know it. Don't be a fool like Noirtier Yates-
Daria stops at the curb and recoils for a moment.
DARIA Noirtier?
EDINA Maybe you should be get your hearing checked, you're going to need to
hear everything right when you cover this scandal. If you know what I mean.
DARIA What if instead of covering your sham scandal I report
this?
EDINA To who? You're just Daria Morgendorffer, a student here who's willing
to do whatever it takes to get noticed just like everyone else. And if you
say it's your journalistic integrity then you're a fool.
DARIA You're right, no one would believe me and that doesn't matter. What
matters is the wire I'm wearing and the lady in the black van over there.
Edina looks shocked as Daria waves at the Tank, where Jane really is video
taping the conversation from the back window. The back doors open up and we
see Trent and Jesse working some borrowed sound equipment and bullhorn like
mike. Nick and Lehrman, dressed as a librarians, comes from inside the
library also carrying camcorders. Daria opens her
jacket and reveals the
wire she's wearing.
DARIA I guess there really isn't much else to be said is there Edina? That's
it for now, thank you all for listening. Well this concludes yet another
beautiful day so this is Daria Morgendorffer signing off.
Quickly fade to black. A copy of the Raft Minuteman is tossed onto the
darkness. It shows an enraged Edina standing near Daria on the library
steps.
RAFT BOSTON MINUTEMAN
FINAL EDITION!
EDITOR EDINA LOTTERMAN TAKES DOWN SCHOOL PAPER
SHAMEFUL MOMENT IN RAFT'S HISTORY
It fades away as we hear Daria and Max on the radio.
DJ MAX Wow Daria, that kicked ass! Fight the system! What's it feel like to
be a winner!?
DARIA With a Pyrrhic victory like this I'd say it's almost as good as
losing.
DJ MAX Pirate victory, right on. I'd also like to think you for letting us
here at Zen Rock air your showdown with the man!
DARIA And I'd like to thank you for the sound equipment. Though admittedly I
didn't do this to overthrow the system or "fight the man". It was kind of a
vendetta thing, she deserved it. She just happened to take everyone else
down with her.
DJ MAX Oh...there goes all my questions...
Long silent pause.
DJ MAX Uh, so which Evil Dead movie do
you think is the funniest?
Slight pause.
DARIA & MAX Evil Dead II was the best.
DARIA Great minds think alike.
MAX Cool, so now what are you going to do?
DARIA Finance a trip to Disneyland. But I'll probably just end up at the
arcade down the street.
DJ MAX Arcade Madness?
DARIA I believe that's the one.
DJ MAX That place kicks ass because like my show, contrary to what some
people say, NICK, isn't about selling out.
DARIA You're about cashing in.
DJ MAX And all about the music! And
Zen.
DARIA And kittens.
DJ MAX And kittens! No, I mean- that wasn't funny Daria.
DARIA Neither is this dialogue, can I just take my in-humanitarian service
award and go now?
DJ MAX Rock on.
We finally end this sorry charade.
Oh mama, is this really...
THE END?
Stuck outside of Boston, with the Lawndale blues again?
(c) 2003 NapalmKracken. The Laundromat bit is based on a scene from "The
Rum Diary", by Hunter S. Thompson, so go buy the damn book. The music is all
owned by the various record labels. Dodge owns the Monaco. Evil Dead is the
work of Sam Raimi, Rob Tapert and Bruce Campbell. Colt is the property of
Colt. Other people own other things. Daria is pimped out by MTV, who in turn
is a dirty whore for Viacom. Art Bakken and the original characters are
mine.
________________________________________________________________________
ALTERNATIVE ENDING
TWENTY YEARS LATER...
We see a deserted stretch of parched road. Daria exit's Mom's Diner and hops
into the fire apple red convertible parked out front. She pulls out and onto
the highway.
DARIA There
was only one road back to L.A. US Interstate 15. Just a flat out
high speed burn through Baker, Barstow and Berdoo. Then onto the Hollywood
freeway, straight into frantic oblivion...safety, obscurity. Just another
freak in the freak kingdom.
She's cruising down the desert highway as she unfurls an American flag from
the back of the car. "Jumpin' Jack Flash" plays and we pan to a wooden city
limits sign.
YOU ARE NOW
LEAVING
FEAR & LOATHING
POP. 0
Then her car starts sputtering.
DARIA Ah! (looks around) I can't stop here, this is bat country!
She
sputters to a stop on the shoulder right in front of the hitchhiker in
the Stedman shirt. It's the cigarette smoking man from earlier.
CSM God have mercy on you, swine!
He laughs maniacally. Fade to black.
(c) 2003 NapalmKracken. "Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas" is also the
property of Thompson, the movie is owned by Universal.
PS- Jumpin' Jack Flash, it's a gas, gas, gas.