Daria In: "Introducing Daria Morgenbunny"
(White screen. After a moment, Daria walks out. She is dressed as canon. She looks around in
Daria: Hello? (Continues to look around) Is anyone here?(Frowns) Okaaay. (Daria turns her
back to the 'camera' and leans as if she's staring into the distance) Where is everyone? For that
matter, where is every*thing*?
(As she looks into the distance, a pencil eraser comes into shot and erases her.)
Daria (now invisible): Hey! What the hell happened? Who did this? Dammit, draw me back!
(A pencil point comes into shot and starts to draw Daria's head. This time, however, the features
are jumbled. Here eyes are lined up one on top of the other, her mouth is sideways on the left
side, and her nose is on the right. Her eyebrows form a moustache over her mouth. The rest of
her body is drawn as a penguin.)
Daria: Very funny. (Crosses her wings, uh, arms.) You mind fixing this? (The eraser shows up
again and erases her. Then, the other end appears and draws a pair of floating glasses.) Go on.
(A pair of boots are added. They are drawn as if her feet were much bigger than cannon.)
Where's the rest of me? Come on, I don't have all day. (The pencil draws the jacket, but it's
tighter and shows off a figure hidden in the show.) (She sighs) It'll do for now, but you'll have to
fix it later. Now, where's the rest of me? (The hair is drawn in, but a long pair of rabbit ears stick
up through them.) Would you get this over with already? (Daria is drawn in as a rabbit. She is
still in black and white, but it is obviously Daria as a rabbit. She has on the jacket and skirt to go
with her boots. There are only four fingers on her hands, and she's wearing gloves.) It's about
Daria (Glares out through the 4th wall and puts her hands on her hips.): I might be animated, but I
don't have to put up with this. (Starts to walk off-screen) I'm going to find out who you are, then
I'm going to make sure you never draw in this town again.
(As she talks, a brush comes onscreen and paints a brick wall in front of her. She walks into it
and lands on her backside.)
Daria: What the heck? (The rabbit face looks surprised.) Heck? Why can't I say (her jaw works
but no words come out. She reaches up and scratches one of her long ears as she sits there and
looks at the brick wall.) Okay, so now I can't swear. This is (she attempts to swear again, and
again nothing comes out) peachy. (She stands and looks out.) This is ridiculous. First you erase
me, then you draw me as some kind of mutant penguin. Now, you've left me in black and white
and tried to kill me with a brick wall. (She points out at the 4th wall with a carrot that is in her
right hand.) You mind explaining yourself? (Notices carrot) Why do I have a carrot in my hand?
(Throws carrot over shoulder, then looks at hand) Where's my pinky? (Looks closer) Why the
heck am I wearing gloves?
(Daria looks herself over, then reaches up with her left hand to scratch one of her ears. Suddenly,
she looks shocked. She feels of her ear, then grabs it and pulls it down in front of her. Looking
at the 'camera,' she reaches around behind her with her left hand. She twitches as if she has been
Daria (glaring): Okay, whoever-you-are, what's going on here? Why did you turn me into a
(She starts to walk into the brick wall again, then stops and goes around it.)
Daria (Walking and talking as if she doesn't know the camera is following.): I can't believe this. I
get this note to show up here for some stupid meeting and now I'm a rabbit.
(She stops and looks down again. Then, she glares out at her unknown tormenter.) Would you
at least add some color. And no funny business, this time? (A brush comes in and paints her hair,
jacket, skirt and boots their normal color. Her fur is a medium gray, with her snout around her
nose white. The inside of her ears are light pink. A mirror is drawn in next to her.)
Daria (Looking in the mirror): Well, I guess for a rabbit I don't look bad. (Looks out.) You
know, of course, that I will get you for this. I mean (starts walking again) it's not like this is the
strangest thing to ever happen to me. No, I think the visitation by those dang holidays still beats
this. (Brush comes in and paints an onceanscape, with no land.) Hey, where'd all the water come
(Daria falls into the water. She comes up with her glasses hanging crooked. She spits out a
stream of water, then looks at the camera.)
Daria: Well, am I supposed to just tread water until you lose interest or should I just drown now?
(Brush comes in and paints a life raft, which Daria climbs into. She sits in the back and crosses
Daria (Glaring out): And what bizarre ego trip are you taking next, oh Marquise de Suede? (A
small 'put-put' is heard. Looking over the back of the raft, she sees a small version of a battleship
with only one gun on it. She picks up the 3-inch long ship and looks at it.) Doesn't look that
(The gun goes off with a loud "BOOM." When the dust clears, Daria's hair is blown straight out
behind her. Her face is covered in black. Without speaking, she drops the small boat into the
(Daria sits with her arms folded and stares off-screen.)
Daria: If I don't do anything, nothing worse can happen to me. (Brush come in and changes the
scene to the deck of a pirate ship.) Or maybe something worse can. (Sighs) In fact, it probably
(Voice OS): Avast, you feisty land-lubber!
Daria: Oh, god.
(Upchuck comes on screen dressed as Yosemite Sam He has the long moustache, hat, and twin
pistols. One is pointed at Daria.)
Upchuck Sam: Hello, my feisty little long-eared ocean pearl. I'm Upchuck Sam, the suavest
pirate in these or any other waters. Rowrrr!
Daria (Can't decide to be amused, sick, or scared.): Uh, I'm Daira. (Pencil comes in and writes
"Daria Morgenbunny" over her head, with an arrow pointing to her. Seeing that Upchuck is
looking at something, she looks at the words.) Bunny? Darn it, it's not Morgenbunny, it's
MorgenBUNNY! (Stops. Looks shocked. Glares at camera.) I will kill, and not quickly, either.
Upchuck Sam: Well, whatever your name, luscious lady, I'm afraid I do not have room for a
stowaway on my ship of love. But, don't you worry. (Evil smirk) I do have room for a crew.
Daria: Not on you life, Upchuck. (Turns to walk away.) I'm getting off before this little tale
takes a turn for the (walks into an open hatch) wwwoooorrrrsssseee!
(Door leading below decks opens. Daria, now looking somewhat worse for wear, stomps out.
She walks up to Upchuck.)
Daria: Shoot me. Now.
Upchuck: Now, now, I can't just shoot a member of my crew.
Daria (Glaring): Shoot me.
Upchuck (waving a hand and shaking his head): I can't just shoot a member of my crew. It is not
how Upchuck Sam does things.
Daria (Thinks for a second): Well, then, I guess I'll just have to take over the ship.
Upchuck: What? That's mutiny!
Daria: So, you'll shoot me?
Upchuck (pointing pistol): Not exactly.
(Scene changes to Daria tied up and standing on the beginning of a plank. Upchuck is holding a
sword to her back)
Daria: You sure you won't just shoot me?
(Upchuck pokes her with his sword. Daria yelps and hops to the end of the plank. Glancing
down, she sees sharks circling below.)
Daria: Please shoot me. I'll hold real still so you don't miss.
(Upchuck grins and pulls out a saw. He saws through the plank, and the ship sinks.)
Daria (Looking down at where the ship went.): Whaddya know, that *does* work. (The plank
suddenly falls into the water.)
(Screen changes to a beach. Daria comes walking into shot from the water. She stops and looks
at the camera.)
Daria: Hey, after dealing with my Mom for all these years, sharks are not problem.
(She turns and starts to walk away. A brush changes the scene from a beach to a forest. All is
silent until a turbine whirl sounds. A small tornado approaches, knocking down trees and
anything else in its way. Reaching Daria, it stops, revealing it to be Kevin in a bad Tasmanian
Devil suit. He's still wearing his pads under the costume.)
Kevin/Taz: Uh, grumble, grumble, growl, growl.
Daria: Kevin, what does that mean?
Kevin/Taz (Shrugs): I don't know. It's just what they told me to say.
Daria: Who told you to say it?
Kevin/Taz: Uh, (scratches head of Taz suit) I don't remember?
Daria: It figures. Well, what are you supposed to do next?
(Kevin looks lost for a moment. Then, he reaches inside his costume and pulls out a piece of
Kevin/Taz: Oh, I'm supposed to growl some more, then try to eat you.
Daria: Are you sure?
Kevin/Taz: It says so right here. (He shows her the page.)
(Daria takes the page and pulls a pen out of her pocket. She crosses out "Eat Daria" and replaces
it with "Go away and leave Daria alone.")
Daria (handing page back): That's not what it looks like to me.
Kevin/Taz (Looking over changed page): Hey, cool! You know, nothing personal, Daria, but I
don't go in for fur.
Daria: Guess I'll have to find a new dream.
Kevin/Taz (putting paper away): I gotta go. (He starts to whirl again. It takes him a couple of
tries before he gets up to speed. Then, with a whine and the sound of destruction, he leaves.)
Daria: Oh, god, what's next? (She glares out at the camera.) Look, who is this? Why are you
doing this to me? (Points with the carrot in her hand but doesn't notice it.) What did I do to you?
Could you at least put someone intelligent here for me to talk to?
(As she talks, a large green rabbit that would make the Hulk look like a pipsqueak wanders in.
His arms are long enough for his knuckles to drag the ground.)
Daria (still talking): I mean, I had one friend in Lawndale. (Nibbles carrot absently) And a
boyfriend. Could I get one or the other? At this point, I'm not too picky.
Rabbit: Duh, hey, Doria.
Daria (Slowly turns to see the behemoth.): Eep! Uh, who are you?"
Rabbit: I'm Knuckles. You're cute.
Daria (realization sets in): Knuckles. Okay. (Looks at camera.) Jane, this isn't funny. Do you
hear me? It has to be you. You're the only one I told about Knuckles.
Knuckles (Takes Daria's arm): I'm gonna take you home to Momma. (Starts to drag her O/S.)
Daria: Jane? Jane, help me! JAAAANNEEE!!!
Knuckles: Momma will like you a lot. Yep. She always wanted me to bring home a nice girl like
you. Momma is gonna be happy for me.
(Camera doesn't move as Daria is dragged O/S. Slowly, it pulls back to show that the scene is on
a piece of paper on a drawing table. Jane is chuckling to herself as she puts down her brush.
Jane: That'll teach her to steal my boyfriend.
(Getting up, she heads for the door to her room. When she opens the door, however, Daria is
standing there, looking *very* annoyed. She still looks like a rabbit.)
Jane: Uh, hi, amiga.
Daria (calm as glass): You turned me into a rabbit.
Jane (Getting nervous): Uh, all in good fun?
Daria (Stepping into room): I was almost made the crew of Upchuck's little love boat.
Jane (Backing up): I knew you'd get out of that one.
Daria: I had to deal with sharks. They're almost as bad as lawyers.
Jane (shrug): I figured they'd leave you alone as a professional courtesy to your mom.
Daria (stepping closer): And what about Kevin?
Jane (retreats again): He was the only person I knew of stupid enough to do the part.
Daria (Pointing with a partially eaten carrot): And what about the carrots, Jane?
Jane: They're good for you?
Daria: I was almost the love-rabbit to 'Knuckles.'
Jane: I had confidence in you, Morgenbunny. (Realizing this was a *big* mistake, her eyes get
very wide.) You're going to hurt me, aren't you?
(Daria's grin is slow and evil.)
Daria (Turning to pick up a pencil): Not exactly. So, (she moved toward Jane) you like rabbits,