DeMartino takes O'Neill hunting. Daria and Jane end up the targets.






(Appropriate cartoon music comes up. {I've heard a more instrumental version of the theme which would work, but I don't know where it came from} The 'Daria' logo [minus Daria] comes up on the screen. Daria and Jane [as rabbits] enter circle from opposite sides. As Daria looks out at the camera and crosses her arms, Jane grins and winks. The credits roll. Then, with a final flourish, the music stops with the graphics "Daria and Jane In: Passive-Aggressive And Armed")

(Scene One: Woods.)

(Enter DeMartino and O'Neill. DeMartino is dressed much like he was in "The Daria Hunter," down to the headband. O'Neill is dressed in jeans and a heavy flannel shirt. Both are carrying basic cartoon rifles.)

O'Neill: Gee, Anthony, are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, it's nice that you want to bond with me, but couldn't we be doing something that, you know, doesn't harm wildlife?

DeMartino (glares at O'Neill): Timothey, if you recall, you volunteered to come with me this weekend. (Leans in close) Something about the time of month, if I recall.

O'Neill (chuckles): Oh, yes. Well, I was just hoping that we wouldn't have to actually shoot anything.

DeMartino (grins evily): We'll see. (Points) Look, tracks.

(On the ground, we can see two sets of wabbit, uh, rabbit tracks. DeMartino grins and chuckles as he motions for O'Neill to follow him. Silently, they follow the tracks until they see the hole.)

(Cut to: Slightly earlier)

(Scene Two: The hole)

( The walls are very smooth, but still made of dirt. A couple of paintings hang on the wall, with small plaques under them. The hole is lit by very expensive lights that are mounted on the walls. Daria is sitting at a desk, typing away on a laptop. Jane is sitting in an overstuffed chair nearby, with her sketchbook in her hand. Both are rabbits, but dressed in canon garb.)

Jane: You sure you can afford to rent this place for all of Spring Break? You'd think a three story hole like this would be expensive.

Daria (Turning from laptop): Well, he mentioned it being a rough time of year, but he gave me a good price.

Jane (smirking): Taking advantage of the poor boy's tragedy?

Daria (returning smirk): You got it.

(Daria turns back to the desk as they hear a faint sound coming from above.)

Jane: Great, more hikers.

Daria: As long as they don't think the hole is a secret repository for trash, I don't care.

DeMartino (O/S and echoing): All right you long-eared targets of opportunity! Come on out of there!

O'Neill (O/S, but slightly fainter. As if he's farther away from the hole.): Now, now Anthony, we should let them make their peace first.

DeMartino (O/S): Timothy shut up!

O'Neill (O/S): Eep!

(Daria and Jane look at each other in surprise.)

Daria: He wouldn't have.

Jane: He did.

Both: Rabbit season.

Daria: Darn.

Jane: What are we going to do?

Daria (sighs): Well, we can't just sit here.

Jane: They won't come down here looking for us, will they?

Daria: I don't know. But it's not my nature to just sit here and let someone take potshots down a hole at me.

Jane: I thought sitting still was your nature.

Daria: Not if I'm being shot at. Besides (frowns) the sooner we get rid of these idiots, the sooner we can get back to wasting time.

Jane (after thinking it over): Sounds like a plan, Morgenbunny.

Daria (frowning): Don't call me Morgenbunny!

(Scene 3, Forest, top of hole)

(O'Neill is looking over DeMartino's shoulder as he looks down the hole)

Daria (From behind O'Neill): Gee, you guys see anything interesting?

(O'Neill jumps and turns to see them. His eyes widen, but he isn't given the chance to say anything before DeMartino speaks.)

DeMartino (head still in hole, so it echoes): No, but I'm sure there's at least one rabbit down here.

O'Neill: Uh, Anthony . . .

DeMartino: Not now, Timothy!

O'Neill: Well, it's just that . . .

(DeMartino pulls his head up and glares at O'Neill.)

DeMartino: Look, I'm in the middle of something!

O'Neill (pointing at Daria and Jane, who is standing next to Daria): But, the rabbits are right there.

DeMartino (rolling his eyes): Really? I couldn't tell because of how dark it is in the hole! Now, let me try to find the rabbit. (Glances at Daria and Jane) Excuse me, girls. (Puts head down in hole)

Jane: One, two, three . .

(Girls watch as DeMartino brings his head up, then turns to look at them.)

DeMartino: Rabbits! Timothy, shoot them!

O'Neill: Oh, well, now . . .

DeMartino (getting in his face): Would you rather face the rabbits or tell the she-devil you've been seeing you were too much of a sissy?

(O'Neill gets a panicked look on his face, then turns to raise his gun.)

O'Neill: Uh, I'm really sorry about this.

DeMartino (raising his own gun): I'm not.

Jane (looking over at Daria): Time to run?

Daria (nodding): Yes.

(The two turn and take, leaving their outlines in smoke, which is promptly filled with holes from several shots.)

DeMartino (Grinning evily while pointing in the direction Jane went): You take that one. And I don't mean alive!

(Scene 4, different place in forest)

(Jane run into shot. Stopping, she looks around.)

Jane: Okay, what do I do, now?

(O'Neill come up behind her. Looking sad, he puts the gun to Jane's back. Jane stiffens as her eyes widen and her ears stand straight up.)

O'Neill: Uh, I'm very sorry about this. I mean, I like rabbits.

Jane (Turns to face him while playing for time): What makes you so sure I'm a rabbit, anyway?

O'Neill (slightly surprised): Well, I mean, you have that fluffy tail.

Jane (shocked): And what kind of man are you to be looking at a teenager's tail?

O'Neill (looks horrified): Uh, I didn't mean to . . .

Jane: Oh, and I guess you never talk to the other big bad hunters about the tails you seen, eh?

O'Neill (petrified and shocked): NO! NO! I'd never do that!

Jane: Why, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Staring at my tail at your age!

O'Neill (begins to cry): Ah-hah! I didn't mean to. It just happened. I didn't stare, I just looked at it!

Jane (Glances at camera with a 'would you lookat that!' look on her face. Turns back to O'Neill.): Now, now, I'm sure it's all a big misunderstanding. Why don't you go sit over there on that rock and think about what you've done.

(O'Neill nods, then goes over to sit on the black lump he thinks is a rock. As he does, Jane runs off.)

O'Neill (still sniffling slightly): Yes, I just need to pull myself together. After all, I really didn't . . .

(As his voice trails off, he slowly looks around to find the head of the black bear he's sitting on glaring at him.)

O'Neill: Oh, dear. Uh, (smiles) nice bear. Wonderful day to be out in the woods, eh? (Seeing the attitude of the bear, he looks at the camera) And this, kids, is why you have to be very careful when you're out in the woods. (Closes his eyes and whimpers.)

(Scene Five, elsewhere in woods)

(Daria stops and looks behind her. Panting, she nods, then turns to walk directly into the barrel of DeMartino's gun with a 'thoonk' sound. Reaching up, she pulls her stuck nose out of the barrel.)

DeMartino (low menacing voice): I've got you now, rabbit.

Daria (pulls out a carrot, calmly takes a nibble, swallows, then speaks): I really don't think so, mister.

DeMartino (confident): Oh, and why is that?

Daria (Points down with carrot): That's why.

(DeMartino looks down. He's standing off the edge of a cliff, floating in mid-air.)

DeMartino (glaring at Daria): I hate gravity. (His feet fall first, with his legs stretching. Then, his torso falls, leaving only his stretched neck and head. Finally, his head follows the rest of him. Daria watches over the edge as he goes. She flinches as he hits the ground O/S.)

Daria: That's gotta hurt. (Turns to leave, sees Jane coming) How'd it go?

Jane (smirking): Well, let's just say I gave a bear something else to do in the woods. Any luck with Mr. DeMartino?

Daria: He learned that gravity doesn't stop at the city's edge.

Jane: You think these idiots will ever remember we're in their class?

Daria: Do you want to remember we have them in class?

Jane: Good point. So, think they've learned their lesson?

(Daria crosses her arms and glares)

Jane: Okay, so now what?

Daria: Let's head back to the hole and see what we have to work with. Maybe there's a book on this stuff.

(Scene six, top of hole)

(Daria and Jane approach hole. Daria jumps in, feel first. Before Jane can follow, however, she is grabbed by the neck. DeMartino, looking battered, glares at her as he sets her down and puts the gun in her face. As before, her nose gets stuck. She pulls it out.)

DeMartino: I hope your prayers are said, rabbit.

Jane: Actually, I usually say them right before I go to bed. Would you mind waiting?

DeMartino: I'll put you to bed. Or at least to sleep. (Raises gun) Say good night, rabbit.

Daria (O/S): Here, hold this for me, would you? (Her arms comes into frame holding a large metal spoon.)

DeMartino (confused): Uh, sure. (Takes spoon)

(A large pot is slammed over DeMartino's head.)

Daria (Taking the spoon back): Thanks.

(Daria proceeds to wail on pot a few times. When she finishes, it's still vibrating, along with DeMartino's entire body.)

Jane (watching): Cool, where'd you learn that?

Daria; Saw something like it on tv once. Let's get out of here.

Jane: Right with you, Mogen-- (sees glare) -- dorffer.

(Scene seven, yet another spot in the woods)

(Daria and Jane are running as shots fly around them. Camera pans back to shot DeMartino and a very mangled looking O'Neill chasing the girls. O'Neill looks angry, and he is no longer hesitating about shooting at them.)

Jane (Panting): Good thing they're (pant) bad shots.

Daria (Also panting): Yeah.

Jane: What now?

Daria: This way.

(DeMartino and O'Neill enter clearing to find no sign of Daria and Jane. They look around, but don't spot them.)

DeMartino: It's like they disappeared.

O'Neill: I want the tall one. She tried to feed me to a bear! (Dropping his gun, he grabs DeMartino by his shirt. His voice is a growl) You hear me, I want the tall one. I'm gonna fill her full of lead! I'm gonna -- (DeMartino slaps him.) (His voice returns to normal.) Oh, thank you, Anthony. I, I don't know what came over me.

DeMartino: No problem. Now, help me find a clue to where they went.

(The twosome look around for signs of the two rabbits. Meanwhile, Daria and Jane look down at them from a tree branch.)

Jane (whispering): You think they'll figure it out?

Daria (also whispering): Only if they hear you talking.

Jane (smirks while continuing to whisper): Daria, they couldn't hear us when we were talking in a normal voice right in front of them, remember?

(After a moment, Daria begins to smirk.)

Daria: Hey, how about we show these two the error of their ways?

Jane (Looking confused): And how do we do that? Remember, Daria, they have the guns.

Daria: With this. (Reaching into her jacket, she pulls out a book. She hands it to Jane, who reads the cover.)

Jane (Reading): 1001 Things To Do To Cartoon Hunters. By B. Bunny. (Looks up at Daria and smirks.) Where'd you get this?

Daria: Remember when I went down the hole? I found this on the bookshelf.

Jane: You always did have good taste in books.

(Scene 8. Side of hill)

(Daria and Jane come running into shot while bullets fly around them. Jane pulls a brush from her pocket, as well as a mortar board. Quickly, she paints double doors on the hillside. Each girl opens one of the doors and runs inside, closing the doors behind them. DeMartino and O'Neill run up, open one door each, then run into the hill with a *bong*. The two peel off a few seconds later and float to the ground like pieces of paper.)

(Scene 9. Another spot in the woods)

(Daria is cornered against a tree. As DeMartino grins and aims his gun, Daria puts a carrot in the end.)

DeMartino: You really think that will work? (Pulls the trigger, but only a *click* is heard) Huh?

(DeMartino turns the gun around and begins pulling on the carrot, trying to remove it as Daria rapidly exits the clearing. DeMartino finally pulls the carrot free, causing the shot that didn't come out before to blow up in his face. When the smoke clears, his body from the waist up is black, except for his eyes, which blink a couple of times.)

(Scene 10. Yet another spot, oh never mind. They're in the woods somewhere)

(Jane rounds a tree to almost run into O'Neill's gun. Reaching up, she takes the sight off the end of the barrel.)

O'Neill: Hey, stealing isn't the type of behavior a young person such as yourself should engage in.

Jane: And running around the wood shooting people is?

O'Neill: Uh, (Lowers rifle as he realizes he's caught in his hypocrisy) no, I guess not. (Thinks for a moment, then looks back at her) But you tried to feed me to a bear.

Jane: After you admitted you're a pervert.

O'Neill: I'm not a pervert!

Jane: Then why were you looking at my tail?

O'Neill (beginning to get flustered again): But, I wasn't . . .(realized he's being duped again, raises gun.) Oh, no. You're not tricking me again.

(Jane spins the barrel of the rifle around so that the ends are switched. O'Neill pulls the trigger, causing the rifle to shoot him, instead. His face is black, and his hair is blown straight back and is now in spikes. Shaking his head, his color returns to normal, but his hair is now in a mohawk.)

O'Neill (switching the barrel back): Let's try that again.

(Jane switches the barrel again, then puts the sight on the end of the barrel now facing her.)

O'Neill: Now stop that!

(He reaches up and spins the barrel around again. Now, the sight is on the end facing him. Once again, the gun shoots him when he pulls the trigger. His head spins a few times before coming to a stop facing backward. Jane shakes her head before running off.)

O'Neill: Where did everything go?

(Scene 11. You know where we are.)

(Daria runs up, then sticks her feet out as she skids to a halt at the edge of a cliff. She turns just as DeMartino runs up.)

DeMartino: End of the line, rabbit.

Daria: You know, you're not so tough. In fact, I think you're a chicken.

DeMartino: A what?

Daria: A chicken. (Uses foot to draw a line, then steps back.) You won't even step across this line.

DeMartino: That's what you think. (Steps across line.) See?

Daria: Well, what about this line? (Draws another line the steps back.)

DeMartino: Watch me! (Steps across line.)

Daria (Draws another line with her foot, but steps out of the way this time.): What about this one?

(DeMartino steps across line, then falls off the cliff on the other side.)

(Scene 12, bottom of cliff)

(We see the ground at the bottom of the cliff. The sound like a falling bomb is heard. Finally, DeMartino crashes to the ground, creating a cloud of smoke. When it clears, a hole in the shape of his body is seen. Sitting up, DeMartino grumbles under his breath before climbing out of the hold and running off. A few seconds later, the sound is heard again, followed by DeMartino's return via falling off of the cliff again. The first hole is now joined by a second one with the head facing the other direction. DeMartino sits up, confused.)

(Scene 13, top of the cliff again.)

(Jane runs into the scene, stopping just in time as Daria had just a moment ago. When she turns, she sees O'Neill standing there, gun ready.)

Jane: If you think I'm going to stand here and wait for you to shoot me, you're wrong. Me going to jump.

O'Neill (Lowering gun): Actually, that's 'I'm going to jump.'

Jane: But, you're not going to jump.

O'Neill: What?

Jane: You just said you were going to jump. Well, I say you're not going to jump.

O'Neill (looking annoyed): Now wait a minute. I didn't say I was going to jump. But, if I did, you wouldn't stop me.

Jane: Oh, yeah?

O'Neill: Yeah.

Jane: Prove it.

O'Neill: Okay, I will. (Jumps into the air over the cliff. Stops in mid-air and looks back at Jane.) Why am I doing this again?

Jane: To prove I can't stop you.

O'Neill (nodding): Oh, okay. Well, I guess I showed you. (Falls)

(Scene 14, bottom of cliff)

(DeMartino is starting to drag himself out of the hole when he hears the 'falling bomb' sound. Looks around in confusion, then looks up. Seeing O'Neill falling toward him, he turns to run out of the way. Just in time for O'Neill to land on him in a cloud of smoke. When the smoke clears, O'Neill, relatively unhurt, is sitting on top of DeMartino.)

O'Neill: Why, Anthony, what a brave gesture. Catching me was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.

DeMartino (barely able to grumble a reply): Have you seen my kidney?

(Scene 15. Yeah, yeah, more woods. Live with it.)

(Daria and Jane run in from opposite direction, colliding with each other. They stand, back to back, as O'Neill and DeMartino hold their guns up to their faces.)

DeMartino: Well this has certainly been entertaining. Too bad it's over!

Jane: If you think that was fun, we could always do it again tomorrow.

DeMartino: Well, while Timothy and I would be up for it, I'm afraid you'll be dinner! Timothy, on my mark, fire.

O'Neill (glaring at Jane): Okay.

DeMartino: One, two, three, fire!

(As the two pull the trigger, Daria and Jane duck. The smoke obscure everything, causing a quick fade out.)

(Scene 16. The moon. No, not really, just checking to see if you were reading this. It's still the woods.)

(Clearing. DeMartino and O'Neill are tied to stakes with wood gathered around their feet. Daria and Jane are standing nearby with torches in their hands.)

Jane: The way I see it, you two have a couple of options, here.

O'Neill: Uh, yeah. (Looks at DeMartino) What are our options right now?

DeMartino: Shut up and let the rabbits talk.

Daria: Finally a wise decision. We've decided that we'll forget the whole thing for say, (glances at Jane, then back at the men) $50.00 each.

O'Neill (nodding frantically as he eyes the torch in Jane's hand): Sure, no problem!

(DeMartino grumbles something.)

Jane: What was that again?

DeMartino (subdued): Can I owe you $10?

(Scene 17, Lawndale High, DeMartino's classroom)

(DeMartino is sitting behind his desk as the class files in. Finally, the bell rings and he stands.)

DeMartino: Well, welcome back class. I'm sure you took the last week to forget what little you managed to learn this year! Now, before we begin . . .

DeMartino (Seeing Daria and Jane sitting in their usual places.): Rabbits. (He stares for a few more seconds, his eyes widening.) You won't take me alive! (He turns and runs through the wall, leaving a DeMartino-shaped hole. Through it, we can hear him screaming "Rabbits! It's the rabbits! They've come for me!")

Jane (Looking over at Daria): What was that all about?

Daria (Pulls out carrot and takes a nibble before answering): I guess he didn't have the $10 he owes us. (Gives a Mona Lisa smile.)