A Small Stumble for Stacy
A Daria Fan Fiction by the Alchemist
DISCLAIMER – Daria and cast are wholly owned by MTV. I am merely borrowing them for the duration of this work. I try and have them back on time, but I make mistakes sometimes. What? You thought that it was MTV’s fault that they cancel Daria showings at the last minute?
Morning in Lawndale. Jane and Daria are walking to school along the streets of Lawndale.
Jane : So we got a call from Wind last night.
Daria : Wind? (Bt) New wife?
Jane : He didn’t say. He asked if anyone had stopped by looking for him.
Daria : And who would anyone be?
Jane : Ex-wives, current wives, IRS agents, repo-men, and the odd bookies.
Daria : Current Wives? As in plural?
Jane : Lets just say that he’s afraid to visit most of the west coast now…
Daria : I see. (Bt) I guess the normalacy gene is missing from the Lane genetic code.
Jane : That’s probably the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
Daria : Don’t let it go to your head.
Jane : Hey, are you busy tonight? Midterms are coming up, and I could use a bit of help with math.
Daria : A bit of help?
Jane : It’s either ask you, or start praying for divine inspiration.
Daria : You know, you could just start studying the text.
Jane : (smirking) I’m not THAT desperate…
Later that day, Mr. DeMartino’s classroom. We see the chalkboard covered with notes regarding the end of WWI. Quinn and the Fashion Club are sitting towards the back of the class. Tiffany and Sandi are reading Waif magazine, Stacy has a copy on her desk, but is trying to take notes, and Quinn is taking notes quite studiously.
DeMartino : CLASS, can anyone name the TREATY that ended the FIRST world war? (Bt) Tiffany?
Tiffany : Uhh … Treaty ?
DeMartino : Tiffany! Would it be TOO much to ASK for you demonstrate at least SOME degree of actual THOUGHT?
Tiffany : Um, … Yeah
DeMartino : (looking both amused and frustrated) Could someone ELSE with an IQ higher than a GOLDFISH provide an answer?
Tiffany : But goldfish are, like sooo fattening
Mr. DeMartino shoots a glare of disbelief at Tiffany, then begins the search for a new victim. Spying Stacy with a notebook open and magazine closed, he zeroes in on his new target.
DeMartino : STACY? Can you name the treaty that ended the First World War?
Stacy gets a ‘deer caught in the headlights’ look. She looks at Sandi, who is reading a magazine and oblivious to the whole exchange. She then looks to Quinn, who is looking at her with an encouraging stare.
Stacy : (nervously) Um, (pause, meekly) the Treaty of Versailles?
DeMartino : Very GOOD Stacy! (Bt) If its not too UNREASONABLE, could you name a SINGLE condition of the treaty?
Stacy : (frightened) Conditions (Bt, tentatively) Germany, like, had to pay, uh, retribution?
DeMartino : CLOSE, Ms. Rowe. That would be reparations. (Bt) Can anyone else name a condition of the treaty?
The class is utterly silent, without a single volunteer. Quinn looks like she wants to answer, but is holding back for some reason.
DeMartino : (exasperated) OK, for EACH condition that you STUDENTS can name, I will give that HYPOTHETICAL student ONE point of extra credit on the upcoming MIDTERM
Despite this offer, the class is still silent, with no-one volunteering. Towards the rear, we see Quinn slowly raising a tentative hand.
DeMartino : Ms. Morgendorffer, would YOU care to ENLIGHTEN us on the TREATY of VERSAILLES?
Quinn : (under breath) Thank you Daria (to class) The Treaty of Versailles ended WWI. The treaty created a League of Nations similar to today’s United Nations, but without enforcement powers.
DeMartino : Thank you QUINN.
Quinn : (continuing undaunted) The treaty also codified the principle of self-determination, through which several Balkan republics were created. France was granted control of the Rhineland as a war reparation, and the patent for aspirin was taken from the Bayer company. Germany’s armed forces were strictly curtailed, with tank development prohibited and a size limitation on their armed forces.
DeMartino : (surprised) Um, EXCELLENT WORK. That’s (pause, counting) an extra five POINTS on the MIDTERM. (Bt) Would anyone ELSE like to try?
Cut to later, end of class.
DeMartino : STACY? Could I see you AFTER CLASS please?
Stacy : (meekly) Eep!
As the rest of the Fashion Club leaves the room, Sandi and Tiffany look as if they hadn’t noticed Stacy’s plight, whereas Quinn is looking on with concern.
Cut to outside of class, in the hallway. We see Quinn coming up to Daria and Jane, who are at their lockers between classes.
Quinn : Daria?
Daria : Yes Quinn?
Quinn : I just wanted to thank you for your advice. (smiles) Earned me five points on the midterm. (Bt) Gotta check my makeup. Bye!
Jane : What advice would this be?
Daria : First, that Mr. DeMartino tends to focus on wars. Second, he has been known to make unusual offers if he thinks that nobody knows the answer. (Bt) It would appear that Quinn put two and two together and managed to get the better of him.
Jane : Shouldn’t this worry her? He’s not exactly the most (Bt) stable individual.
Daria : Never fear. He likes it when students challenge him. Proves they’re awake.
Jane : At the moment, at least.
Daria : Hey, any port in a storm.
Jane smirks as the two head off to class.
Mr. O’Neil’s classroom. We see Daria, Jane, and the usual crowd in attendance, and the blackboard is littered with notes about WWII, bombers, and plum tomatoes.
O’Neil : Good day, class. Today, we’ll be discussing Catch-22. Can anyone explain what a Catch-22 is? (Bt) Kevin?
Kevin : Isn’t that a rifle? My Dad always uses a .22 to catch squirrels in the backyard.
O’Neil : (sighing) That’s, uh, very interesting Kevin. (Bt) Could we talk after class?
Kevin : OK!
O’Neil : Would anyone else like to try?
Jodie raises her hand
O’Neil : Yes? Jodie?
Jodie : The concept of a Catch-22 comes from the regulations permitting a pilot to be grounded due to insanity. While insanity is a legitimate reason to ground an aviator, the regulations state that anyone requesting to be grounded must be sane, and therefore capable of flying the mission. Basically, the regulations are crafted in such a way as to make it impossible to be taken off the flight roster.
O’Neil : Excellent Jodie. That’s very good. (Bt) Does anyone have another example? Daria?
Daria : Well, I would have to say that this class is a Catch-22. If you answer the question incorrectly, you simply ask someone else. If, however, you give a correct answer, you are so encouraged that you continue with the same topic. So no matter what action we take, you will continue asking us the same question.
O’Neil : (retreating slightly) Uh, that’s very good Daria. (Bt) Moving on …
Cut to later, end of class.
O’Neil : Class, for next week, I would like you do a 1000 word report on a real-life Catch-22 situation.
Daria : Does that mean that I get to bomb Lawndale? And get paid for it?
Jane : Doubtful, as it would require some form of military base somewhere nearby.
Daria : I suppose Lawndale isn’t a particularly attractive town to invade.
Jane : But just think of the military potential of the Giant Strawberry.
Daria : Yeah, that and a dairy farm, and you could have the worlds biggest strawberry shortcake.
Girls bathroom, later that day. Quinn and Stacy are at the mirrors. Stacy looks concerned, and is hyperventilating slightly.
Quinn : Stacy? (Bt) Stacy! Calm down! (Bt) What’s wrong?
Stacy: (hyper) DeMartino .. assignment .. midterm …
Quinn : Uh, Stacy? Could you slow down a bit?
Stacy looks at Quinn with a weak smile
Stacy : Oh, yeah. (Bt) Mr. DeMartino thinks that I could be doing much better in class than I am. (Bt) He’s concerned that the Fashion Club is a bad influence on me.
Quinn : But why now? He’s never mentioned this before…
Stacy : (meekly) I never actually answered correctly before…
Quinn : Oh. So what’s the big problem?
Stacy : If I don’t do better, he’ll call my parents. (Bt, sobbing) They’ll make me quit the fashion club!
Quinn : How can he make you choose between fashion and school? That’s just unfair! (Bt) What if you do improve?
Stacy : Then everything is OK.
Quinn : So what’s the problem?
Stacy : (hyperventilating slightly) Well, if I take the time to study, Sandi will kick me out anyway…
Quinn : But the midterm’s not for another week or so!
Stacy : (dejectedly) He gave me a special assignment due Monday. And there’s the fashion …
Quinn : … extravaganza this weekend. (Bt) Um, Stacy? If you want, I could try and help you with the assignment.
Stacy : (excited) Oh, thank you Quinn!
Stacy gives Quinn a big hug
Quinn : (surprised, a bit awkwardly) Um, Stacy?
Stacy : Sorry. (backs away) Quinn? What about Sandi?
Quinn : (loaded) Don’t worry about Sandi. I can handle her.
Quinn and Stacy leave the bathroom. As we hear the door shut, we see Daria emerge from one of the stalls with a look of inspiration on her face. Removing a notepad, she starts jotting down ideas as we fade out.
Pizza King that night. Daria and Jane are sitting in a booth, sharing a pizza.
Daria : I think I have a topic for O’Neil’s silly assignment.
Jane : (mouth full) Oh?
Daria : That’s beautiful. (Bt) I was inspired this afternoon.
Cut to later, Daria is finishing recounting the events in the bathroom
Daria : So she needs to do well to stay in the Fashion club, but in order to do well, she’ll get kicked out of the fashion club…
Jane : But hasn’t Quinn been doing much better as well?
Daria : Sure, get technical. (Bt) The difference is that Quinn has a spine. (Bt - mocking) A cute little spine with tiny little pores.
Jane : I wonder if Mr. DeMartino is doing this for Stacy’s benefit, or simply because it causes the Fashion Club discomfort?
Daria : Since it does both, I think we’re looking at a win-win situation for him.
Jane : And for the Fashion Club?
Daria : Hmm. (Bt) You can’t win, you can’t break even, and the rules are fixed.
Jane : You’re loving this, aren’t you?
Daria : Every minute (smirks)
Jane : So when is Tom picking you up for the Friday date?
Daria : (checking watch) Oh, in another 166 hours or so…
Jane : Huh?
Daria : He’s out of town for the weekend. (Bt) Visiting Harvard, Yale, Cornell, and Fenway Park.
Jane : Fenway?
Daria : Apparently, his father is a big Red Sox fan.
Jane : An eternal optimist?
Daria : Don’t say that to him. He gets very protective of his team.
Jane : Sounds like the voice of experience. (Bt) So you wanna come over tonight?
Daria : Sure. I have a feeling that our parents have done some ‘scheduling’ for the typical Friday date time that I would prefer not to impose on.
Jane : OK, more than I needed to know.
Daria : Oh, come on. (Bt – teasing) You’ll never look at pancakes quite the same way again …
Zoom out as Jane covers her ears and ducks into the corner of the booth as Daria smirks.
Morgendorffer house that evening. Quinn and Stacy are sitting in the living room. Scattered about are a series of notepads and textbooks. Quinn is alternating between studying and helping Stacy, and Stacy is looking through various textbooks taking notes. Daria enters through the front door.
Daria : OK, who are you, and what have you done with my sister?
Stacy : (frightened) Eep! I’m Stacy! Quinn is right here! (panicking) Please don’t hurt me!
Daria sighs and takes a small step towards Stacy. Stacy panics, stumbling backwards and falling onto the couch.
Daria : (sighs, slightly condescending monotone) Relax Stacy. I’m not going to hurt you. (Bt) I just was wondering why Quinn is in studying on a Friday night.
Quinn : I’m trying to help Stacy on her assignment for Mr. DeMartino so she can still make it to the fashion extravaganza this weekend.
Daria : Gotta keep those priorities in order.
Quinn : Look Daria. I know you think fashion is a big joke, but some of us actually like to look good.
Daria : As opposed to us poor losers who want people to like us for who we are instead of what we wear? (Bt) What’s the big deal about missing the extravaganza anyway? Its not like Cashmans is going anywhere.
Stacy : But if I miss the extravaganza, Sandi will kick me out of the fashion club!
Daria : So?
Quinn : Just because you don’t like the Fashion Club is no reason to make fun of us.
Daria : (sighing) I’m not making fun of you for being in the fashion club, (Bt) at least not yet. I was merely wondering why you would stay in a club that consigns you to be Sandi’s slave.
Stacy : (confused) Huh?
Quinn : She wants to know what the point is of being in a club where Sandi can tell us what to do all the time.
Stacy : But if I’m not in the fashion club, who would my friends be?
Daria : (thinking for a second) If they’re only your friends because you’re in the fashion club, are they really your friends?
Stacy : (sadly) They’re all I have…
Daria gives Stacy a look of pitying concern. As Stacy begins to deflate, Quinn notices Stacy’s condition.
Quinn : (trying to change the subject) Daria? Do you know anything about the causes of WWII?
Daria : What? (Bt) Oh, yeah, I guess. Why?
Quinn : Well, Stacy has an assignment from Mr. DeMartino to relate the principle causes of World War Two to the Treaty of Versailles.
Daria : Ugh. I’m sorry. (Bt) What did you do to deserve this?
Stacy : (meekly) I guess I’m not as stupid as he thought…
Daria : I doubt anyone could be. (Bt – Quinn shoots Daria a dirty look) OK, I’ll help you on one condition.
Quinn : (worried) Which is?
Daria : I’ll help you resolve your situation with DeMartino if I can use the situation in my report for Mr. O’Neil.
Quinn : Stacy?
Stacy : (nervous) Um …
Daria : It’s up to you Stacy.
Stacy : (softly) Uh, OK?
Daria : Are you free to work on it tomorrow? Say about five?
Stacy : Um, (looks at Quinn)
Quinn : Five should be fine.
Daria : Well, OK then. I’ll see you then.
Daria heads upstairs. Stacy looks worried, the stress of actually making decisions being almost too much for her. Quinn looks a little disappointed at Stacy, but returns to helping her with the project.
The same evening, in the Morgendorffer kitchen. The Morgendorffers are sitting down to dinner (lasagna again).
Helen : So, girls, did anything interesting happen at school? (to the silence) Quinn?
Quinn : (Quinn-hyper mode) Well, Stacy got this big special assignment from Mr. DeMartino, but its like due Monday and she needed help in getting it all done, so Daria’s going to help us out tomorrow so we can still get to the fashion extravaganza …
Helen : Daria? What exactly are you planning?
Daria : (innocently) Whatever do you mean?
Helen : I’m assuming that you aren’t doing this out of the goodness of your heart
Daria : (faux outrage) Mom, I’m insulted.
Silence as Helen glares at Daria for a while
Daria : (sighs) I’m using the situation as the subject of a paper for Mr. O’Neil.
Helen : Just make sure that that’s all that you use it for. I don’t want to see you walking all over poor Stacy.
Jake : At least make sure you wipe your boots first.
Jake slowly lowers the paper with a smile on his face as the family turns to look with a ‘why can’t you pay attention’ gaze. Noticing his smile, Helen chokes a laugh as Daria and Quinn just look shocked.
Daria & Quinn : (in unison) Dad?
Zoom out as the entire family stares at Jake with an incredulous look.
Jake : What? (Bt) What did I do?
Jane’s room. Daria is sitting on the bed reading as Jane paints. The TV shows the SSW logo, followed by a reporter interviewing an athletic blond in a prison cell.
SSW announcer : So you say you were a vampire slayer before they threw you in prison?
SSW interviewee : Yes. It was a late night, and I was accosted by a group of pale, emaciated men in ragged clothing. How was I to know they were Computer Science majors and not vampires?
Pan back to view of Jane’s room.
Daria : Now that’s not fair.
Jane : I agree. Seven out of ten people prefer the company of vampires over the CS majors.
Daria : And the other three?
Jane : Would rather be with both. Usually, the vampire goes for the CS major first, then dies from a massive caffeine overdose, giving the people some time alone.
Daria : I see. My kind of people.
Jane : The vampires or the three?
Daria : Yes.
Jane : Oh, very witty. (Bt) So any plans for causing defections from the fashion mafia?
Daria : Much as I like to, I don’t think it would work. (Bt) And I promised my mom that I wouldn’t kill her either.
Jane : Did she do something to you? You don’t seem to like her very much…
Daria : Well, she’s not mean or anything, and is probably the least offensive member of the fashion club. Its just that she always seems to follow other people. She’s afraid to think for herself.
Jane : If she’s in the fashion club, then why does she need to think?
Daria : As far as I can tell, she’s following Quinn as she gets more serious about her schoolwork, but she’s still afraid of Sandi getting mad at her and throwing her out of the club.
Jane : A real Catch-22?
Daria : Now you see my motivation for helping them out.
Jane : Daria the altruist.
Daria : But only when I stand to benefit from it. (Bt) So what are you doing for the assignment?
Jane : Voila!
Zoom out to show Jane’s painting. We see a large maze, with the center marked BIRTH, and with regions marked LOVE, CHILDREN, COLLEGE, and a variety of major life events scattered about the interior. There are a few paths that exit the maze to the outside, a large region marked simply by DEATH.
Jane : My masterpiece. Illustrating that life, independent of choices, leads to death. Unavoidable and pre-ordained.
Daria : That’s just downright morbid. (Bt) I love it. But weren’t we supposed to do a written report?
Jane : Well, you know. A picture is worth a thousand words.
Daria : Only with O’Neil would that ever work. (Bt) But well done.
Jane : (looking at painting) Hmmm. I vaguely remember something about math tonight…
Daria : And that would explain your straight-C average, no?
Jane shoots Daria a look, and walks away from the painting
Jane : What ever happened to reasonable doubt?
Daria : It doesn’t apply to math tests, you know.
Jane : Damn! (Bt) How about multiple choice?
Cut to the next day. Daria walks into the Morgendorffer living room where Quinn and Stacy are working.
Daria : OK ladies, I’m here. What can I help you with?
Quinn : Stacy?
Stacy : Um, We’re trying to link the war with the treaty, but I don’t really know where to start.
Daria : Well, what do you have so far?
Stacy : (nervously) Well, uh, …
Daria : (matter of fact) Stacy, do you want my help?
Stacy : Um, yes?
Daria : Well then, just tell me what you have, and what you need help with. I won’t bite; (smirking) I don’t know you that well.
Stacy : (worried) Erm …
Daria : Stacy, that was a joke. If I’m actually mad at you, you’ll know. (Bt – matter of fact) Now what do you have?
Stacy : Well, um, I know that the treaty was very harsh on the Germans, but wouldn’t it have easier to just, well, obey the terms? I mean, they did lose both wars …
Daria : (thought VO) A conformist to the end. Well, here goes nothing (out loud) Stacy, could I ask you something?
Stacy : (warily) I guess?
Daria : Lets say that you had saved up all your money for the fashion extravaganza to get an outfit that made you look (deadpan) really, really hot.
Stacy : (confused) OK …
Daria : Now say that I came along and just took all that money that you worked so hard for and took it for myself. How would you feel?
Stacy : Um, sad?
Daria : (exasperated) Stacy, I just made all of your hard work and sacrifice worthless. Imagine that you had been saving for months – no movies, no new clothes, no nothing, all because you really wanted this new outfit. And I just walked in and took it away from you.
Stacy : Well, I guess I would be (Bt) angry?
Daria : Is that a question, or a statement?
Stacy : I would be angry at you.
Daria : Now imagine someone tells you that there is a way that you can both get all your money back, and get even with me. Would you take it?
Stacy : Um, I guess so …
Daria : Now think about the Germans. In order to pay their reparations, the Germans had to send everything they made, everything they had to the French and British. Just when it looks like they may actually make it through, the Great Depression hits and destroys the German economy. Up comes Adolf Hitler, promising to make Germany great again and to take back from the British and French what had been taken from them. What do you think the people did?
Stacy : Wow, you’re really good at this stuff!
Daria : Just one of the benefits of independent thought. Any more questions?
Zoom out as Stacy continues questioning Daria. She still looks nervous, and glances at Quinn periodically for support. Quinn looks on with a slightly condescending look of encouragement, as if she doesn’t understand why Stacy would be scared of Daria.
Cut to Sunday morning. Daria is standing with a putter on a mini-golf course, trying to get the ball past the windmill. She shoots, and the ball gets caught by the edge of the blade, sending it off of the course into the rocks. Daria walks over, picking up the ball, and returns to the tee.
Daria : I can’t believe I let you talk me into this. Remind me again why we’re here?
Jane : Oh, come on Daria. If you stay with Tom you’ll need to learn golf at SOME point.
Daria : While that may be true, I somehow doubt that their golf courses have windmills and castles.
Jane : Well, I suppose if you want to be accurate about it. (Bt) Are you saying that you don’t enjoy my wonderful company?
Daria : Hmmm. (Bt, thinking) I should look on the bright side here. At least I have a club.
Jane : You just watch yourself missy, or I’ll have Trent leave you here.
Daria : (smirking) Even if you ran back to the car as fast as you could, you’d never get him awake before I got there.
Jane : (conceedingly) You’re probably right. (Bt) I hate you.
At this, Daria goes back to her putt. She hits the ball, getting through the windmill without trouble. As she turns to give Jane a chance, we see Jane sprinting away from the green.
Daria : Oh, hell.
Daria drops her club and runs after Jane.
Cut to the parking lot. Trent is in the passenger seat, fast asleep as Jane drives off. We see Daria just reach the lot as Jane leaves.
Daria : She will die for this. (mock outrage) I swear it.
Daria looks around, thinking for a second
Daria : Well, I guess I brave the fashion extravaganza at the mall and see if Quinn has a ride home. (Bt) More time to plot my revenge. (Bt) Gee, talking to myself again. (Bt) Is it worse to talk to yourself, or to expect an answer …
Zoom out as Daria heads out of the parking lot.
Cut to the fashion extravaganza. The Fashion Club is walking through the mall, checking out the new fashions. They are surrounded by some particularly hideous color combinations, with a sign advertising the Discordian fashion company
Sandi : They call that fashion? That dress makes her look so bulgy.
Stacy : I know. Can you believe it?
Tiffany : Ewww… That outfit (points), it like, totally clashes
Quinn : Chartreuse and magenta? Like, could they have chosen a worse combination?
Tiffany : Yeah …
Sandi : I think we’ve seen enough of this section. Lets find a display with some REAL fashion.
Elsewhere in the mall, Daria is searching for her sister, or anyone who could give her a ride home
Daria : (annoyed) Jane will PAY for this.
As Daria continues to look, a perfume saleslady comes up and sprays her unexpectedly
Daria : Gah! Get away from me!
Daria turns, making a cross with her fingers and backs away.
Daria : (annoyed, heavy sarcasm) Back, back, you minions of hell. Be gone!
Saleslady : Hey! I was just …
Daria : (angrily) Getting the hell away from me?
Saleslady : Well, I never …
Cut to the next scene as the saleslady backs away in obvious concern. Daria watches with obvious disgust, and continues looking for help.
Elsewhere in the mall, Daria is walking by a display of what would be undergarments except for a distinct lack of cloth.
Daria : (deadpan) Oooh, yes. I had always figured that there were uses for dental floss other than cleaning teeth.
Upchuck : Do my eyes deceive me? Could this be the lovely Daria Morgendorffer?
Daria : (under breath) And just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse (out loud) Upchuck. What a delightful surprise.
Upchuck : Perhaps you could help me in a most serious quandary. My father is looking for some (Bt – pointing at display) choice garments for his secretary, and has asked me to do the honors. It just so happens that you are almost the exact same size as her.
Daria : Charles, even in my most hideous nightmares, I would never subject myself to such a fate.
Upchuck : Oh fair maiden. Many have explored the hidden mysteries of the esteemed Charles Ruttheimer the Third. Will you not come experience what so many are now lusting after?
Daria : A restraining order?
Upchuck : You may jest now. But give it time, and you will return to the wonder that is Charles Ruttheimer the Third.
Daria : Give me six days. Damn waiting period!
Upchuck : Rrrr, feisty. Fear not, I will return!
Daria : Is that a promise, or a threat?
Upchuck heads off after his next victim as Daria looks on in amusement and disgust. Shaking her head, she continues on her quest.
Quinn and the Fashion Club are walking by some more attractive combinations in a different section in the mall.
Sandi : Finally. They should really warn people about those weird fashions.
Stacy : Yeah. Who would WEAR that stuff?
Tiffany : You’d have to be, like, a total geek or something.
Sandi : Speaking of geeks, isn’t that your sister or something? (points) What’s she doing here?
Camera rotation showing Daria walking up to the Fashion Club.
Daria : (to each in turn) Stacy, Quinn, Tiffany, Sandi, (to Quinn) Quinn? Do you have a ride home anytime soon?
Quinn : Daria? What are you doing here?
Daria : A certain artist ditched me at the mini-golf range. I figured that you would be here, and it was closer than walking home.
Quinn : (turning to Sandi) Well I came with Sandi …
Sandi : No. You are persona au gratin to the Fashion Club due to your attitude toward us.
Daria : (under breath) That’s non-grata, you moron
Quinn : But Sandi!
Sandi : No Quinn. As PRESIDENT, it is my DUTY to ensure that the fashion club does not associate with PATHETIC LOSERS like this.
Daria : (to Sandi, mocking tone) Ah, Sandi, you are your usual pleasant self today. (to Quinn) Never mind Quinn. I’ll find some other way back. I’m not sure I’d want to ride with this, (Bt) person anyway.
Sandi : Would you, like, leave already? We can’t be hanging around with someone dressed like THAT.
Daria : And I shouldn’t be hanging around with someone with a room temperature IQ.
Daria walks off as Quinn looks after her with concern.
Sandi : Geez. You’d think in the middle of a fashion extravaganza she’d at least be able to find something better to wear.
Cut to later in the mall, Daria is heading towards the exit when she sees someone in the crowd and heads over. She taps someone on the shoulder in front of a display of formal dresses.
Daria : Jamie?
Zoom out as we see Jamie looking a bit sheepish.
Jamie : Uh, hi Daria.
Daria : Should I ask what you’re doing here?
Jamie : Um, shopping?
Daria : Jamie, it is my humble opinion that you have neither the hips nor the legs to wear any of these (gestures at the display) dresses.
Jamie : Um, I’m not shopping for dresses. (Bt) Mr. O’Neil conscripted me to help out with the drama club, and I was supposed to try and get my costume for next week.
Daria : You mean you won’t be showing up Monday in drag?
Jamie : Hmm … Perhaps Quinn could help with that? (Bt – looking at the crowds) It doesn’t look like I’ll be getting my costume at this rate.
Daria : (hopeful) Does that mean that you’re heading home?
Jamie : (warily) Yeah …
Daria : Could I get a ride?
Jamie : I suppose. But how did you get here?
Daria : Compliments of my soon to be late best friend, who left me at the mini-golf range.
Jamie : (laughing) You? Mini-golf?
Daria : Sure, laugh it up. (Bt) But if you tell anyone, I will make sure you know the true meaning of hell…
Jamie : Not likely. I’ve dated Quinn, remember?
Daria : Oh, yeah. Good point. (under breath) Damn siblings … (Bt – looking around) I think I’ve seen enough fashion to last a lifetime.
Jamie : But don’t you live with Quinn?
Daria : Thanks. I had finally managed to forget that.
Zoom out as Daria and Jamie try and escape the extravaganza.
Cut to exterior of the Morgendorffer residence as Jamie’s car pulls out. Daria waves thanks to Jamie and heads into the house.
Cut to Daria’s room as Daria enters with a wicked grin on her face. Without saying a word, Daria takes her backpack and begins placing items in the pack.
Quinn’s room. Daria sneaks in, again taking a few items and putting them in her backpack.
Morgendorffer kitchen. The entire family is seated, eating lasagna once again
Helen : Quinn? How was the fashion extravaganza?
Quinn : Huh? (brief glance at Daria) Oh, it went pretty well. Although they had some really weird fashions there for some reason. (Bt) You should have heard what Upchuck said to Sandi. God, was she mad. I wonder if he can walk yet … (Bt) Oh, could I borrow $100? I saw these really cute suede boots on sale …
Helen : Daria? (Bt, pleading) Please?
Daria : Jane and I went mini-golfing. (Bt - deadpan) Tons of fun. (Bt) She won this round, but I’ll get her in the rematch.
Helen looks satisfied at that, while Quinn looks somewhat suspicious. She is about to say something when the doorbell rings
Quinn : Well, that’s my date. Gotta go!
Daria : Much as I would love the chance for some intensive two on one parental bonding, I must excuse myself from this most excellent repast. (Bt – smirk) Now don’t you two do anything I wouldn’t do!
Daria heads off-screen.
Helen : Out with Jane again?
Daria : (VO) Out.
Front door closes.
Helen : Well that’s nice. (seductively) Oh, Jake …
Interior of Lawndale High. The lights are dimmed. A silhouette shaped like Daria is seen walking up to a locker with a stethoscope. The figure opens the locker, and works for a short time. Finally, the figure carefully closes the locker and walks off.
The silhouetted figure is walking down the hallway, when it suddenly stops and rummages through a backpack. Removing a marker, we see the figure open a door and slip inside. As the door closes, we see that it is the Men’s bathroom.
Morgendorffer living room. Helen is placing a folder in her briefcase as Daria heads out the door.
Helen : Daria? Isn’t it a bit early for school?
Daria : I have a few things to take care of before school.
Helen : Anything I can help with? (Bt) You’re not in trouble, are you?
Daria : Everything is fine mom. I’m not in trouble. Yet.
Helen : (warning tone) Daria …
Daria : Don’t worry, I’ll be good. (thought VO) Right after school starts.
Daria heads out the door.
Later, hallways of Lawndale. Daria is at her locker alone, taking out her books for class as Jane walks up to her locker.
Jane : Um, I’m sorry?
Daria merely gives Jane a dirty look, and closes her locker.
Jane : I’m a thoughtless insensitive jerk?
Daria zips her backpack, ignoring Jane
Jane : Daria? Talk to me?
Daria looks at Jane for a second, and turns to head away. Jane sighs and opens her locker. Seeing this, Daria quickly drops to the floor. Jane turns as she opens her locker, surprised at Daria’s actions, as the sound of an aerosol can is heard. The camera pans to reveal Jane’s hair and back covered in body glitter. Daria gets up with a smirk and heads to class. Jane looks at her locker and herself with shock as the scene fades.
Hallway of Lawndale high. Daria is walking with a slight smirk when she sees the Fashion Club (minus Quinn) as a group at their lockers. Stacy looks exhausted, and Sandi is just about to say something to her when Corey walks up to Sandi. Daria stops and covertly observes the proceedings.
Corey : (sleazy tone) Free tonight for some fun?
Sandi : As if! You expect ME to go out with YOU? TONIGHT?
Corey : Well baby, we could always stay in …
Sandi : (slaps Corey) Get away from me, you pervert!
Corey heads out as Guy walks up to Sandi
Guy : Looking for a good time?
Sandi turns and skewers Guy with a deadly stare. Guy mumbles an apology and scampers away as Quinn walks in.
Quinn : Um, Sandi?
Sandi : What IS it, QUINN?
Quinn : Um, (nervously) I was talking to Joey, and he said that someone had written "Looking for a good time? Call Sandi. Group rates available", followed by a phone number, in most of the men’s bathrooms in the school.
Sandi : A number?
Quinn : (apologetically) Your home phone number.
Sandi : (angrily) If I ever find out who did this, I swear …
Daria smiles slightly, and heads off to class as people slowly move away from an enraged Sandi.
Male Voice : (VO) Um, Sandi? The freshman class took up a collection, and … Ow! Hey! Not the face! Ow!
DeMartino’s classroom. As the class files in, we see an exhausted Stacy walk up to Mr. DeMartino and hand in her report.
Stacy : (tiredly) Report. Tired. Working all night. No coffee – bad for complexion …
Mr. DeMartino leafs through the report for a few moments and turns to Stacy as she continues to babble.
DeMartino : Well, well, Ms. Rowe. This looks very well done. (suspiciously, looking at the paper) Can you tell me what the Kristallnacht was?
Mr. DeMartino looks on expectantly, figuring that someone other than Stacy was responsible for the paper in front of him. Stacy looks unsurprised, and seems to be fighting to stay upright.
Stacy : (nervous exhaustion) The Kristallnacht was the night of (Bt – thinking) November 9, 1938, when SS and SA storm troopers arranged the (yawn) destruction of thousands of Jewish businesses and synagogues in response to the assassination of a German diplomat two days earlier. (Bt, rubs eyes) It was one of the first large-scale persecutions, and made the SS responsible for the ‘Jewish problem’ that Hitler had used in his rise to power?
DeMartino : (impressed) VERY GOOD Stacy. (Bt) I suppose I will hold off on contacting you parents, assuming that you perform acceptably on the midterm …
Stacy : (excited, but tired) Oh, thank you!
Stacy heads to her seat. While she had been talking to Mr. DeMartino, the rest of the Fashion Club has entered and sat down. As Stacy is sitting down, Sandi turns to her.
Sandi : So STACY, how does it feel to be a BRAIN?
Stacy : But Sandi! I had to do the assignment to pass the class!
Sandi : So why didn’t the rest of the class need to do it? (Bt) Only a BRAIN would be doing EXTRA work.
Stacy : (panicking) Er, um, …
Sandi : And what could be so important that you would lose sleep and get those ugly bags under your eyes?
Stacy : Bags? (hyperventilating, covering face) Oh no! What am I going to do?
Quinn : Calm down Stacy. Now Sandi, if extra work and losing sleep are REALLY so bad, (dangerously) then what about that paper you had to do for Mr. O’Neil? (vindictive) Or that night you spent with Brent in the back seat …
Sandi : (annoyed) That’s COMPLETELY different!
Quinn : (condescending) Is it now. (Bt) Those who live in glass houses Sandi …
Tiffany : Glass houses? But couldn’t everyone see you in the shower?
Quinn looks incredulously at Tiffany as the class starts. Sandi looks livid, and Stacy looks utterly petrified, shrinking away whenever Sandi looks her way.
Mr. O’Neil’s classroom. Daria is sitting at her desk, with her report clearly visible. We see the title – "Kobayashi Maru : Beating the Catch-22 by changing the rules".
Male Voice : (VO) Hey, nice look baby! Does that glitter go all the way down?
Jane : (VO) Keep dreaming, creep!
Male Voice : (VO) You’ve been running through my dreams all night.
Jane : (VO) Strange, you’d think I would have escaped by now.
Upchuck : (VO) Rrrr, feisty!
Jane & Male Voice : (VO) Shove it, Upchuck!
Zoom out from Daria’s desk as Jane sits down nearby.
Jane : Daria? (Bt) Are you ever going to speak to me again? (Bt – gesturing at class) At least before I kill one of our classmates for your little prank?
Daria turns to look at Jane with an evil smirk, but turns away as Mr. O’Neil comes into view. Jane acknowledges his existence, but is primarily concerned with Daria.
O’Neil : Jane! I wanted to thank you for signing up to help the drama club with the decorations for next week’s play. (Sees her ‘assignment’) Um, Jane, that’s not exactly what I had in mind, but I guess since you’re helping us, I can let it slide this once …
Jane : Oh, yeah, OK (Bt) WHAT decorations?
Mr. O’Neil pulls out a sign-up sheet for the drama club decoration committee, with Jane’s name in Jane’s handwriting clearly indicated on the sheet.
Jane : But …
As Jane stares at the sheet trying to figure out how she signed up, Daria leans over.
Daria : (whispered, to Jane) Payback’s a bitch baby …
Fade to credits as Daria sits back with an amused smirk at Jane’s look of utter shock.