On This Night, A Star is Born

A Daria Fan Fiction by the Alchemist

Episode #508


DISCLAIMER – Daria and cast are wholly owned by MTV. I am merely borrowing them for the duration of this work. I try and have them back on time, but I make mistakes sometimes. What? You thought that it was MTV’s fault that they cancel Daria showings at the last minute?



Nighttime, along the streets of Lawndale. Daria and Tom are walking along the sidewalk, beneath a clear night sky.

Tom : Well, that was a fun night, no?

Daria : The dinner was nice. I can’t say I really saw much of the movie…


Daria looks over at Tom with a playful, accusative gaze as they continue down the road.

Tom : You’re not going to blame that on me, are you?


Daria smirks briefly at Tom, waiting just a moment extra before responding

Daria : I guess that would be a bit unfair, wouldn’t it?

Tom : I can assure you that I had nothing to do with the projector catching on fire.

Daria : I still think it’s all a big ploy to get me alone on the streets at night.

Tom : Rather than just waiting for the movie to end?


Daria turns her head, simulating thought for a brief moment before responding.

Daria : I find your logic strangely compelling, good sir.

Tom : Um, is that supposed to be a compliment?

Daria : That is for you to figure out …


Daria looks upward, studying the starry sky in curiosity momentarily before pointing at a particular point near the horizon.


Daria : Do you know what that is?


As we follow Daria’s gesture to the horizon, a very bright point is visible in the sky, twinkling against the black background of night.

Tom : (looking at the sky) I’m not sure. It seems too bright to be a star.

Daria : Perhaps a comet coming to deliver us an early extinction?

Tom regards Daria with a bemused grin

Tom : Always looking on the bright side, aren’t we Daria?

Daria : You know me, just a little ray of sunshine …

Tom : (studying the sky) You know, that might be Venus.

Daria : Sure, ruin the mood…


As Daria begins to fake a sulk, Kevin emerges from the shadows with a girl other than Brittany. Stumbling slightly, he nonetheless notices Daria, and heads over towards Daria and Tom. Noticing the movement to her left, Daria nudges Tom in warning, and grimaces slightly as Kevin’s face becomes visible under the yellow glow of the streetlight.

Kevin : (slurring his speech slightly) Hey, um, Daria?

Daria : Kevin? Did you and Brittany break up again?


The girl with Kevin looks at him with surprise touched with a bit of anger.

Girl : Brittany?


Kevin looks from Daria to the girl and back, not entirely realizing the situation.

Kevin : Come on Daria, that’s just not cool …

Girl : Who’s Brittany?


As the girl continues to probe Kevin, he sways on his feet slightly, taking a small step to prevent him from falling.

Tom : Kevin? Are you OK?

Kevin : Huh? OK? (Bt) Oh, I’m fine. We’re just coming from a party … trying to find our way home … What are you doing out tonight?

Daria : (in a ‘go away’ tone of voice) Stargazing.

Kevin : Cool. My dad showed me how to find this one star…

Daria : (surprised) Which one is that?

Kevin : I can’t show you now silly. It only comes out during the day!

Girl : Kevin?

Kevin : Sorry, gotta go …


Kevin and the girl head off down the street as Tom and Daria exchange a look.

Tom : Well, that was random.

Daria : We should really get going.

Tom : Tired of my company already?

Daria : No, I just don’t feel like dealing with Kevin again tonight.

Tom : Um, but they just left …

Daria : True. But eventually he’ll sober up enough to remember that we’re standing in front of his house…


Tom turns and looks behind himself, and noticing the mailbox with ‘Thompson’ written in large letters on the side, chuckles lightly before turning back to Daria.

Tom : You could have let him know…

Daria : Now where’s the fun in that?


The scene fades out as Daria and Tom continue down the sidewalk, a mischievous grin on Daria’s face.



Fade in to Ms. Barch’s classroom. Daria and Jane are seated at the same bench as Ms. Barch is about to begin her lecture.

Jane : So how was the big date last night?


Offscreen, Brittany can be heard in full squeak, obviously angry about something.

Brittany : (VO) Kevvie, how could you? And with that tramp Cheryl?

Daria : (gesturing at Kevin with her thumb) Well, aside from a brief run-in with Romeo there …

Kevin : (VO – apologetic but clueless tone) But babe … it was a PARTY! It’s like, the rule or something…

Ms. Barch : (VO) Kevin! What have I told you about speaking in class?


Shaking her head at Kevin and Brittany, Daria turns toward Jane, trying to ignore the exchange going on around her.

Daria : … it went pretty well.

Kevin : (VO) Um, like, don’t do it?

Jane : (teasing) So did you two paint the town red?

Ms. Barch : (VO) Well, now that we’ve exceeded the capacity of your typically male brain, can we get started with the lesson now?

Daria : Couldn’t. The paint store was closed.

Kevin : (VO) Um, sure thing …

Jane : (hazarding an annoyed glare at Kevin) You know what I mean Daria.

Ms. Barch : (VO – shouting) Shut up Kevin!

Daria : Well, if we’re going to play that game, how was your date?


Jane turns back to Daria in surprise, her face radiating astonishment.

Jane : What?


Amused, Daria continues undaunted, clearly enjoying teasing Jane for a change.

Daria : Your date. Or was Chez Pierre short on tables, forcing them to seat you with an ‘attractive young man’?

Jane : How did you know?

Daria : I’m afraid that I’m not allowed to reveal my sources.

Jane : Why not?

Daria : Professional ethics. (thought VO) And damned if Quinn didn’t charge me professional rates…

Jane : Since when do you have ethics?

Daria : I’ve always had ethics Jane. I just choose to ignore them when it suits my purpose.

Jane : You mean when you would have to get out of bed …

Daria : Hey! (Bt) So, how was your date?

Jane : Um, given that neither of us spoke French, it was … entertaining.

Daria : They threw you out?

Jane : We were politely asked to take our business elsewhere on future occasions.

Daria : And what did you do to deserve this?

Jane : Apparently, the English phrase "Could we please have some more breadsticks" is rarely translated as "Yo Schmuck! More sticks over here!"

Daria : You don’t say…


In the hallowed halls of Lawndale High, Quinn, Stacy, and Tiffany are heading down the hallway as Kevin approaches them. Swaggering slightly, he addresses the three in a suave, confident manner.

Kevin : Good day, ladies…


The three girls turn to face Kevin, Quinn grimacing slightly.

Quinn : Kevin? Did you want something?

Kevin : Well, there’s the big game Friday, so of course there’s a big party afterwards …

Quinn : And?

Kevin : I just wanted to invite you lovely ladies to join us …


Stacy’s face lights up in excitement at the invitation.

Stacy : Wow, thanks! That’s really nice of you!


In contrast to Stacy’s excitement, Quinn regards Kevin suspiciously.

Quinn : Where is this party?

Kevin : Oh, it’s at Brittany’s house. Her parents are out of town for the weekend.

Tiffany : Out of town?

Kevin : Yeah, it’s, like, perfect. We were gonna have a party anyway, but then I remembered that that was right after the big game …

Quinn : You remembered?

Kevin : Yeah, after Mack Daddy mentioned it…

Mack : (VO) Don’t call me that!

Kevin : … we, like, decided to make it into a victory celebration!

Stacy : But, how do you know that you’ll win?

Kevin : Hey man, we’re the lions, and I’m the QB! How could we lose?



Elsewhere, Daria and Jane are walking down the hallway together to their next class.

Daria : I don’t think Ms. Barch likes chemistry very much. It’s so much harder to introduce her level of male bashing…

Jane : Well, I for one enjoyed the explanation of why oxygen must be female, since it’s under appreciated by most people and necessary for life …

Daria : It probably wasn’t the best idea for Upchuck to point out that oxygen in high doses can be fatal.

Jane : I’m sure that Ms. Li will find the key to the storage closet eventually …

Daria : That is, if there wasn’t a pencil tip broken off in the lock.

Jane : (disbelieving) She didn’t!

Daria : You’re right, SHE didn’t.


Jane turns her head to Daria momentarily, regarding her with a mixture of surprise and respect.

Jane : Daria?

Daria : Just doing my part to keep Lawndale safe …


As Daria and Jane turn a corner, they pass a steel security door, from which a dull banging is emanating.

Upchuck : (VO) Hello? Anyone? (pleading) Please???

Jane : Did you hear something?

Daria : (listening for a moment) No, I don’t think so. (under her breath) Payback’s a bitch Upchuck.


As Jane gives a small laugh, Brittany approaches the two carefully, looking around to make sure that no one is watching. Satisfied, she hurries her step, quickly catching up to Daria and Jane from behind.

Jane : Don’t look now, but I think we’re being followed …

Daria : Blue and yellow, squeaks a lot?

Jane : It’s either Brittany or a pair of cheap galoshes.

Daria : Do we get to choose?


Sighing, Daria turns around to face Brittany. With a dubious shrug, Jane follows suit and turns as well.

Brittany : Daria? Can I talk to you?

Daria : It would appear so, yes …

Brittany : (looking at Jane) Um, Jane? This is kind of … private. Could you, um, go away?

Jane : (uncertain) Uh …

Daria : (with a bit of trepidation) Don’t worry Jane, I’ll be fine …


Jane leaves the two, walking just around the corner, standing such that she can still hear the two, but is out of sight. Brittany watches Jane until she is convinced that Jane has left earshot. Brittany turns back to Daria, her face flush with concern and uncertainty.

Brittany : Um, Daria? I need your help …

Daria : Put your toes in first …

Brittany : No silly, it’s about Kevin.

Daria : His toes go in first too, you know.

Brittany : He just doesn’t respect me as a woman!


Daria takes a step back, a look of disgust floating over her face briefly before a stoic calm is imposed.

Daria : Um, OK … (thought VO) Remember Daria, suppress your urge to vomit. Think happy thoughts. Think … Quinn, shopping at … the thrift shop. Ok, you’ll be Ok …

Brittany : I mean, he’s always cheating on me and stuff!


Daria regards Brittany with a curious gaze, pondering a moment before responding.

Daria : Um, Brittany? Were you just studying with Mike last week?


Brittany is somewhat taken aback at this, obviously not expecting Daria to know about her social life.

Brittany : Um, well …

Daria : (letting Brittany off the hook) What did you want from me?


Relieved, Brittany begins unloading her plight on Daria.

Brittany : Well, there’s a big party after the game, (squeaking) and I just know that he’s going to fool around with everyone, (accelerating) and I just can’t take that in front of everyone but I don’t know what I can do to stop him and so you’ve got to help me because you’re so smart that I’m sure you can think of something and I just hope I can understand it better than what Jodie told me …


Daria, in the process of spacing out as Brittany continues to speak faster and faster, looks up suddenly at the mention of Jodie’s name.

Daria : Jodie? What did she say?

Brittany : She said I should, like, use the finster or something. She didn’t seem very happy when she said it.

Daria : Finister?

Brittany : Do you know what the finister is?


Daria thinks for a moment, sounding out Brittany’s statement.

Daria : (to herself) The finister … the finister … de finister? (to Brittany) Brittany?

Brittany : Yes?

Daria : Did she by any chance say defenestrate?

Brittany : (excited) Yeah, that was it!

Daria : (thought VO) Better watch out Jodie. Your sarcastic side is showing. (smirking – to Brittany) Do you know what that means?

Brittany : Um, no?

Daria : It means to assassinate someone by pushing them out a window. Preferably not on the first story…

Brittany : Oh. I don’t think that’s a good idea. (Bt) We might lose the big game!

Daria : (sardonic) And we couldn’t have that, could we?


Brittany’s eyes light up at Daria’s ‘comprehension’

Brittany : Daria, you do understand! And I thought you had no school spirit!

Daria : (thought VO) If I do, then I’m gonna need to find an exorcist pretty quickly …

Brittany : So … can you help me with Kevin?


Daria looks at Brittany for a moment, thinking about the situation before responding.

Daria : I’ll help you on one condition.

Brittany : Uh …

Daria : If you cheat on Kevin, I’ll help him to.

Brittany : That’s not very nice …

Daria : (shaking her head) I’m not going to help you keep Kevin from cheating on you if you keep cheating on him.

Brittany : (whiney) But why not?

Daria : (sighing) Because I wouldn’t want someone doing it to me. (mumbled to self) And much to my surprise, that actually worries me. It’s all Tom’s fault.

Brittany : Oh. Um, OK?


Daria pauses for a moment, turning her head and noticing Jane peeking around the corner. Waving her back with her hand, Daria turns back to Brittany.

Daria : Ok, I’ll help you. I’ll need an invitation to your party though …

Brittany : Oh Daria, everyone’s invited!

Daria : Even the unpopular people?

Brittany : (heading off) Of course! The game is, like, more important than popularity Daria!


As Brittany walks away, a confused Jane emerges from around the corner and approaches Daria.

Jane : Ok Morgendorffer, you have some explaining to do.

Daria : What?

Jane : One, you’ve never to my knowledge attended a party unless and until I dragged you there against your will, and two, Brittany annoys you at least as much as she annoys me. So you’ve either gone crazy, which I’m not going to rule out just yet, or there’s some sinister master plan…

Daria : (smirking slightly) Do you always assume the worst?

Jane : Hey, if you’ve taught me anything …

Daria : (to herself) Every good deed invariably comes back to haunt you…

Jane : What was that?

Daria : Just talking to myself again. Pay no attention to the girl behind the mirror.

Jane : That’s no girl, that’s Upchuck.


Daria gives Jane a wry grin for a moment before proceeding.

Daria : Cute Jane, but let’s not give him any ideas.

Jane : You think he’s out by now?

Daria : Better safe than sorry.

Jane : If you must be all logical about it. (Bt) So why are you helping Brittany?

Daria : Truthfully? (Jane nods) Because as annoying and air-headed as she can be, she has repeatedly tried to help me. And what type of person would I be if I just ignored all of that?

Jane : So … you’re going to help her by setting her up with Kevin?

Daria : When you put it that way, you make it sound kind of stupid…


Fade to Mr. DeMartino’s classroom. Daria and Jane enter the room, sitting in their usual seats in the second row. As Jane removes her notebook and turns towards Daria, Daria looks back with a ‘here we go again’ expression.

Jane : You’re really helping Brittany simply because it’s the right thing to do?

Daria : (slightly exasperated) That’s right Jane. Just like the last time you asked.

Jane : But since when do you do things just because they’re the right thing? You’re not turning into a joiner, are you?

Daria : (playful annoyance) I won’t even dignify that with a response.

Jane : You just did.

Daria : Damn!


Cut to the Morgendorffer Living room. Quinn, Stacy, and Tiffany are sitting around the table with a short stack of fashion magazines and a few large catalogs. Selecting a magazine, Stacy opens it to a fashion spread, studying the choices for a while before her eyes fall upon a pair of shoes.

Stacy : Just look at these shoes! Wouldn’t they go great with, um (looking for and finding another magazine) this top and these pants?

Tiffany : (glancing over) Yeah … that would look good on you.

Stacy : (excited) Really?

Quinn : (looking at the combination) Oh, absolutely. It would really compliment your figure and frame your face.


In the background, a door closes, and muffled footsteps can be heard.

Stacy : So should I go with it?

Tiffany : Oh, definitely. It would look great at the party Friday.

Daria : (VO) Don’t bother.


Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy turn to face Daria, who has come up behind them, observing apathetically.

Stacy : (worried) You don’t like it?

Daria : I didn’t say that.

Stacy : Then why …

Quinn : (appeasing) Relax Stacy. Daria doesn’t know anything about fashion.

Daria : Touché Quinn, but this has nothing to do with fashion.

Quinn : But if this isn’t about fashion, what could it possibly be about?

Daria : You’re going to a party immediately after a football game that Kevin probably can’t manage to lose. It will be dark, loud, and there’ll probably be quite a bit of alcohol floating around. Wear something comfortable and easy to wash.


The three fashion club officers are silent for a moment before Quinn finally speaks up.

Quinn : (somewhat impressed) That’s like, a really good idea. How did you come up with it?

Daria : I may not be as fashion obsessed as you, but I’m not stupid Quinn.

Quinn : (slightly uncertain) Um, Daria? How do you know about the party?

Daria : Brittany invited me to the party as well.

Quinn : Oh Daria, that’s great. Come over here! I’ll bet we can find you something better to wear to the party!

Tiffany : Yeah, but first … we need to like … do something with her hair…

Stacy : Oh wow, this’ll be exciting!

Daria : (retreating) Um, sorry to disappoint you, but, um … (thinking quickly) I’ve got a date with Tom in a little while.

Quinn : Well, if you want some help later this week, I’m sure that we can figure out something …

Daria : No, that’s Ok Quinn. You’ve got enough to worry about with your own outfits. I couldn’t possibly burden you with mine as well…


Fade to the exterior of the Sloane Residence. As we zoom in, we see Daria walking up to the front door and ringing the doorbell. After a few seconds, the door opens to reveal Elsie.

Elsie : Yes?

Daria : Is Tom in?

Elsie : Yes.


Daria looks at Elsie for an awkward moment before proceeding.

Daria : Would you please tell him I’m here?

Elsie : Yeah, fine.


Elsie disappears into the house as the door remains ajar.

Elsie : (VO) Tom! Daria’s here!

Tom : (VO – surprised) Daria?

Elsie : (VO) Yeah, you know, your girlfriend?

Tom : (VO) Why thank you Elsie. I’d almost forgotten.


As Daria listens, Tom appears in the doorway. Shaking her head in amusement, she turns to Tom with a negotiating tone.

Daria : I’ve got a great deal for you. I’ll switch places with Elsie, and she and Quinn can annoy each other for a while.

Tom : I don’t think it would work. My parents would know the difference.

Daria : How?

Tom : I don’t kiss my sister like this …


Tom leans over and gives Daria a long, tender kiss. As he pulls slowly away, a gentle shade of pink spreads across Daria’s face.

Daria : I should hope not.

Tom : (nervously) So, um, did I forget a date or something?

Daria : I needed a quick escape from the fashion club meeting already in progress at my regularly scheduled location.

Tom : Ritual stoning again?

Daria : Worse. They wanted to give me a makeover.

Tom : (thinking) Hmmm …


Daria shoots Tom a dangerous look, to which Tom merely smiles.

Daria : The correct response is immediate and unconditional support.

Tom : Oh. (deadpan) That sounds like a fate worse than death. I’m ever so glad that you were able to escape that heinous fate.

Daria : Still needs work. Maybe I’ll let you take a few lessons from Quinn?

Tom : (faux concern) Terribly sorry ma’am. I meant you no disrespect. Please, accept my sincere apologies…

Daria : Very well. But you should at least invite me in.

Tom : Many thanks ma’am. (taking her hand) Right this way. We got this one room down here, it’s real nice …

Daria : (as we fade into the next scene) And cut that out.

Tom : Right away ma’am.


Fade in to the Sloane living room. Daria and Tom are seated next to each other on the couch as the Sick Sad World logo appears on the television.

SSW Announcer : Was the Hindenburg really an accident, or was it pushed by an evil blimp? Incorrigible Dirigibles, next on Sick Sad World.

Tom : So, why were the fashion club congregating at your house?

Daria : Annual pilgrimage?

Tom : Seriously?

Daria : No. They’re coordinating outfits for Brittany’s party…

Tom : Um, speaking of parties …

Daria : (amused) Yes?

Tom : Would you like to go to a party this Friday? Some of my friends are having an ‘emergency social event’ …

Daria : Oh, um …

Tom : Come on. I promise that it won’t be your typical party …

Daria : (reluctantly) Well, you see …

Tom : (disappointed) You don’t want to go. You have a problem being my date at a party Friday night.


As Tom begins to sulk, Daria leans into him, looking up with a mischievous glance.

Daria : (smirking slightly) I don’t have a problem with your party.

Tom : Then … what do you have a problem with?

Daria : You using the singular?

Tom : (confused) Problems?

Daria : Parties.


Tom looks at Daria for a moment, unable to figure out exactly what she’s saying.

Tom : If I didn’t know better, I’d say that you’re enjoying this.

Daria : Well, then I’d say that you don’t know better.


Tom’s face registers a brief moment of defeat as he answers Daria with trepidation.

Tom : Um, what exactly is going on Friday?

Daria : Brittany is throwing a party after the big game. I told her I’d be there.


Looking at Daria with an even more confused expression than before, Tom shakes his head to clear his thoughts. Bowing his head slightly, Tom speaks in a soft, slow voice.

Tom : Ok, now I’m confused. Since when do you go to parties? (looking up) Especially after football games? With Brittany?

Daria : (teasing) What, are you saying that I’m not cool enough to ‘hang out’ with all the popular kids?

Tom : Um, no … Just trying to figure out why the hell you’d want to.

Daria : Brittany asked me to help her at the party. I said yes.

Tom : (still a bit confused) You’re saying … that you’re going to a party … to help Brittany?

Daria : Yes.

Tom : Is this a joke?

Daria : (slightly annoyed) No, this is not a joke. Is it that hard to believe that I’m trying to help one of my classmates?

Tom : (after a brief pause) No, no it’s not.


Regarding Tom with a wry look, Daria watches an increasingly unnerved Tom for an awkward interval before finally sporting a slight smirk.

Daria : Well, you’re getting better at that. (Tom sighs in relief) So what’s up with this other party?

Tom : (relieved to be moving off of the topic) Well, one of Jim’s friends is having a party.

Daria : The ‘emergency social event’?

Tom : That would be it. He thinks that ‘party’ just sounds too … plebian.

Daria : And here I had almost forgotten about the whole prep-school angle.

Tom : (backpedaling rapidly) No, no. You’ve got it all wrong. He just doesn’t want to be identified with the average high-school student.

Daria : Well, I suppose I can give it a chance…

Tom : Don’t let your enthusiasm get the best of you Daria…

Daria : Ok, I’ll calm down. (imitating a ‘valley-girl’ tone, poorly) So, like, what should I wear to this party-type thing anyway?


As Daria maintains a stoic expression, Tom cocks his head, giving her a strange look as he struggles to maintain a straight face. Failing miserably, he turns slightly away from Daria and begins laughing. Daria briefly regards him curiously before giving a small chuckle as well.

Tom : I’m afraid that you just won’t make it as a valley girl dear.

Daria : Oh, my childhood dreams, torn asunder. I suppose I’ll just have to go to college and get a real education or something. What a harsh life!

Tom : (composing himself) So, will you be at the party?

Daria : Yeah. Yeah, I’ll be there.


Fade to the Morgendorffer kitchen. The entire family is seated around the table as Helen serves the lasagna. As it is placed in front of Daria, she regards it with disappointment, but not surprise.

Helen : (sitting down) So girls, how was school today?

Daria : (reaching for a fork) Mom, you asked us about that yesterday. You’re not obligated to ask again until early next week. Parenting handbook, chapter seven, subsection five.

Quinn : Really?

Daria : Yep. I’ll bet you also didn’t know that 97.2% of statistics are made up on the spot.

Quinn : They are? (thinking) Hey!

Helen : Girls, that’s enough. (turning to Daria) Can’t a mother be interested in her children’s lives?

Daria : Is this a hypothetical mother, or you in particular?

Helen : Daria!


Daria’s quip hits home with Helen, as she sits back in her seat, looking hurt. As Daria notices, a wave of regret flashes over her face. Sighing, Helen sits forward again in her chair, turning towards Quinn, who is picking the top layer of cheese off her lasagna.

Helen : (hopefully) What about you Quinn?

Quinn : Oh, it was a good day. Stacy, Tiffany, and I got invited to this party Friday after the game, so of course we had to plan our outfits and coordinate our schedules. Then Brooke called with a fashion crisis, and there’s that big assignment due tomorrow, so we had to take turns dealing with her so there would be enough time for everything, and then …


As Quinn shifts from conversation to hyperactive rant, Helen reluctantly turns her attention back to Daria.

Helen : (pleading) Daria?

Daria : (sighing and dropping her fork) Same old day. Classes, hanging out with Jane, getting invited to a party, and seeing Upchuck stuck in a closet all day while they drilled out the case-hardened security locks on the door…


Jake looks up from his lasagna, having caught only the tail end of the conversation.

Jake : (chuckling) Hey, good one kiddo!

Daria : It wasn’t a joke.

Helen : Come on Daria, you don’t need to make fun of your sister for getting invited to a party.

Daria : (surprised) What?

Helen : You got invited to a party on the exact same day as your sister, and haven’t mentioned it until after she does? Give me a little credit Daria.


Just as Quinn is about to speak, Daria pushes back her chair, addressing Helen in a stern voice.

Daria : (getting up) You’re right. I wasn’t invited to ‘a’ party. (as she leaves the room in anger) I was invited to two.


Daria leaves the table and heads out of the room in carefully maintained apathy, as Helen watches with a mixture of uncertainty and regret. Helen turns back to the table shaking her head as Daria walks out of the kitchen.

Helen : (confused) What was that all about?

Quinn : (matter of fact) Well duh, mom. She WAS invited to a party. The same one I was invited to.


Helen looks at Quinn as if she had just said that the world was flat.

Helen : She was? I mean … well … I just didn’t think that … uh …

Quinn : That’s why she’s mad mom.

Helen : Oh. Well, she usually doesn’t … (shaking her head) sometimes I just don’t understand her.

Quinn : (offhand) Come on mom, how could you possibly understand her? I mean, she doesn’t care what she looks like, but she apparently likes boys and all, and she has this whole, like, different thing going on and stuff. I gave up figuring her out years ago…

Helen : (mild exasperation) Why did we ever decide to have children?

Jake : Oh come on dear, it was fun.

Helen : Jake!

Quinn : Daddy … Ewww …


Jake turns back down to his lasagna as Helen and Quinn skewer him with semi-disgusted glares.

Jake : Sorry!


Fade to Daria’s room. Daria is laying face down on the bed when someone knocks on the door. Stirring slightly, she turns her head a little.

Daria : (muffled by the bed) Mmmph.


After a short interval, another knock is heard. Pushing herself up slowly, Daria straightens her clothes and glasses, rubbing her face before responding.

Daria : Yeah, yeah. Come in.


Quinn opens the door, entering the room and closing the door behind her. Noticing Daria’s slightly disheveled condition and overall dour demeanor, she eyes Daria briefly with a look of concern.

Quinn : Um, Daria? Are you, um, Ok?

Daria : (dismissive) I’m fine Quinn. Did you come all the way over here to ask me that?

Quinn : It’s just down the hall Daria.

Daria : (deadpan) It’s the thought that counts.

Quinn : Do you always have to be so confrontational?

Daria : Yes.

Quinn : Why?

Daria : (teasing) Because.

Quinn : You’re impossible!

Daria : Yep.

Quinn : (annoyed) Aarrgh!


Quinn turns, ready to leave, when she remembers her original purpose in coming to Daria’s room. Clearing her head, she turns back to Daria with a renewed flair.

Quinn : Daria, why are you going to Brittany’s party?

Daria : That’s none of your business Quinn.

Quinn : Please?

Daria : No Quinn. (after a brief moment of realization) Why do you care?


An uncertain Quinn hesitates momentarily, giving Daria a long look before proceeding in a subdued tone.

Quinn : Um, well, after you stormed out, I was trying to figure out why you would go to a party, since you usually don’t like them much. Then I remembered that you always seem to go to parties to humiliate me. Is that why you’re going?

Daria : No Quinn, I’m not out to get you. This time.

Quinn : (not quite convinced) So you’re not going to the party to embarrass me or my friends?

Daria : No. I doubt you’ll need the help.

Quinn : Hey!

Daria : I call them like I see them.


Quinn, annoyed at Daria, heads over to the door, opening it to leave. As she heads through the door, she turns to Daria a final time.

Quinn : You know, you could be nice and give me some credit. Isn’t that what you were mad at mom for?


Quinn leaves, pulling the door closed with a loud thunk behind her. Daria stares at the door for a moment with an uncomfortable expression on her face.

Daria : (to no one in particular) Well, my mom thinks I’m a loser, and Quinn thinks I’m a hypocrite. (Bt) And the worst part is, they’re both right.


As Daria stares blankly at the door, another knock can be heard.

Daria : What is it now Quinn?

Helen : (VO) It’s me Daria. (opening the door) About this evening…


Daria flops down in her bed in resignation as the scene fades out.


Fade in to Mr. DeMartino’s classroom. Daria and Jane enter a rather sparse looking classroom. As they sit down, Daria quickly canvasses the classroom, confirming her suspicion that much of the class is absent.

Daria : Isn’t this class usually a little bigger?

DeMartino : An EXCELLENT observation, Ms. Morgendorffer. ONE would THINK that the PURpose of our little SCHOOL would be EDUCATION. (to himself) Relax Anthony. Only a few years to retirement. (loudly) YEARS? Aaargh!


As Mr. DeMartino’s eye bulges from his fit, Daria turns to Jodie behind her.

Daria : Hey Jodie. Where is everyone?

Jodie : (with a ‘you really don’t know?’ tone) They’re at the game Daria.

Daria : The game?

Jodie : You know, the big football game?

Daria : I didn’t realize that they had games during school …

Jodie : Well, this is pretty far away, and the coach wanted to give the team enough time to settle in and all. And since the championships would bring ‘glory and honor’ to ‘Lawndale High’, Ms. Li went along with it.

Jane : Suddenly, Mr. DeMartino makes sense…

Daria : He does?

Jane : Well, more sense, at least…

DeMartino : Well, since this APPEARS to be our ENTIRE class today, perhaps we should BEGIN?


The class turns to look at him, but no one says anything. Taking the silence as assent, Mr. DeMartino stands, walking to the front of his desk to begin the class. Sweeping a dubious glare over the class, he begins his lecture.

DeMartino : OK class, perhaps you could TELL me the REASONS for the demise of the Skylab space station?


Towards the rear of the class, a male student raises his hand tentatively.

DeMartino : Yes?

Student : The space shuttle was late and we couldn’t afford a booster to prevent its orbit from decaying.


Mr. DeMartino looks at the student in surprise, checking his notes momentarily before proceeding. Slightly impressed, he continues in a marginally less hostile manner.

DeMartino : That is entirely correct Brian. Moving on, what was the major impact of the station’s demise?


Without thinking, Daria responds to the question.

Daria : A crater in western Australia.

DeMartino : (turning to face Daria) Would you care to elaborate?


Realizing what she’s done, Daria sits up slightly and looks Mr. DeMartino straight in the eye before proceeding.

Daria : The station was a political show to prove that we could build a station just like the Russians. But once we had shown that we could do it, there wasn’t much practical use for the station. So the unintended destruction of the station was of little real consequence.

DeMartino : Thank you Ms. Morgendorffer. (to himself) Perhaps we should send the football players away every day…

Jane : If only we could be so lucky…


Brittany’s house, exterior. Daria walks up to the front door, her backpack hanging off her shoulder. Hesitating momentarily, she reaches out to ring the bell on the front door. After a brief wait, Ashley-Amber appears at the door, her bubbly greeting almost scaring Daria away. Reassuring herself, Daria talks briefly with Ashley-Amber, after which the two enter the house.

Cut to a snowy football field. The Oakwood Taproots are on offense, lining up for a play as Kevin and Mack are sitting on the sideline. Mack looks down at his feet, kicking away a small pile of snow at the end of the bench.

Mack : (observational, to himself) Awfully cold for this time of year.

Kevin : The weather guy said, like, that it’s Canada’s fault bro.


Mack gives Kevin a pitying look, a look that Kevin manages not to notice at all.

Mack : Whatever Kevin.


Offscreen, a loud crack is heard, and people at the periphery of the screen can be seen moving away from the center. As a number of players in Lawndale Lions uniforms begin to crowd around the water cooler, the coach struggles to be heard in the background.

Coach : (VO) Good job guys, way to stop them. (loudly) Kevin! Get the offense out on the field! And try to only pass to the blue and yellow players this time?

Kevin : Sure thing coach.


Kevin picks up his helmet and runs onto the field. Mack watches in disgusted bemusement, slowly picking up his helmet. Noticing that the rest of the offense is still sitting on the benches, Mack addresses them in a commanding tone.

Mack : Hey guys! Get your asses on the field, it’s time for another set.

Joey : Sure thing Mack Daddy!

Mack : And don’t call me that!


As the remainder of the team heads off onto the field, the coach approaches Mack appreciatively.

Coach : Thanks Mack. You’re a real asset to the team.

Mack : Coach, are you sure that I have to block for Kevin?

Coach : Come on Mack. We only have a few games left in the season.

Mack : (heading onto the field) Exactly. I may never get this chance again …


Cut to Pizza King. Daria and Jane are sitting at a table enjoying a few slices of pizza. Daria is dressed in a pair of black jeans and a dark red t-shirt, giving a somewhat eerie similarity between the two. Eying Daria with a mischievous glint in her eye, Jane finishes her slice of pizza.

Jane : Someone’s awfully dressed up tonight …

Daria : You know, the whole party thing.

Jane : (a small smirk forming on her face) Dressing for a party? Hell, going to a party? Are you sure you’re not Quinn?

Daria : (looking down at her feet) I don’t know. Do these boots make my wrists look fat?

Tom : (VO) Of course not dear. You’re not fat! How could you even think that?


Daria, embarrassed, tilts her head back to look at Tom, then gazes back at Jane before resting her forehead against the table. Tom and Jane watch in amusement as Daria emits a small groan.

Daria : (mumbled) Hurt all of you.

Jane : Come on Daria. It wasn’t that bad.

Daria : (softly) Kill all of you.

Tom : (sitting down next to Daria) After all we’ve been through, is this really so terrible?


Daria sits up, revealing a large glob of pizza cheese stuck to her forehead.

Daria : (picking off the cheese) Next time Jane, no extra cheese.

Jane : (teasing) But it looks so good on you!

Daria : Fine. Then you wear it.


Daria throws the cheese at Jane, who dodges artfully.

Jane : Now let’s not get carried away Missy…

Tom : I think you’d look good covered in cheddar…

Jane : You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?


Forgetting her previous cheese experience, Daria looks from Tom to Jane, her interest piqued.

Daria : What?

Tom : Well, Jane was working on this conceptual art piece, and the only material she had available was some Cheez Whiz …

Jane : (warning tone) Tom …

Tom : What?

Jane : (raising a slice of pizza above her head) Don’t.

Daria : Are you two actually going to kill each other, or are you just being yourselves again?

Jane : Why do you ask?

Daria : Well, if you’re not going to hurt each other, then we should get going to the party.

Jane : And if we are?

Daria : Let me run home and get my camera.


Fade to Brittany’s house. In the background, a loud base beat can be heard, although the speakers are turned up so loud that aside from the bass, only a distorted noise can be heard. Diverse crowds of cheerleaders, football players, and mere students have already filled the house. As a football player walks by attempting to carry three glasses of beer, the front door opens, causing him to turn and trip, spilling the beer over the carpet. He looks up to see Mack and Jodie at the door. Entering cautiously, Jodie looks around with a disgusted expression before turning to Mack.

Jodie : Why are we here? These parties are bad enough when Brittany’s parents are in town…

Mack : Because I’m the team captain, and have to make an appearance?


Jodie stares at Mack in silence

Mack : Because you couldn’t pass up the attempt to network with your (looking around) slightly inebriated peers?


Jodie looks at Mack in semi-concealed annoyance.

Mack : Um, because it has no redeeming academic or social value, and your parents would hate it?


Jodie smiles at Mack, chuckling softly to herself.

Jodie : That works for me. Come on. Lets find the keg…

Mack : Since when do you drink beer?

Jodie : When in Rome …

Mack : Learn Latin?


Jodie gives Mack a playful punch in the arm.

Mack : Hey!

Jodie : I already know Latin. (Bt) Why do I put up with you?

Mack : Because if you weren’t dating the captain of the football team, you’d have to date the QB?

Kevin : (VO) Hey Mack Daddy, Jodie! Great game, huh?

Jodie : Hopefully my parents wouldn’t be quite that cruel. (pensive pause) No, I’m wrong. They would be.


Later that night, Daria, Jane, and Tom enter, taking in the entire party scene arrayed before them for a long instant.

Jane : Wow.

Tom : So this is where the students of Lawndale High go at night …

Daria : I guess they’ve gotta do something. What would you do if you’d just won a big football game?

Tom : Wake up?

Daria : (as a drunken student stumbles by) You’re probably more coherent asleep than most of these people are awake.

Tom : Is that hard?

Jane : So why are we here again?

Daria : You know why Jane.

Tom : Are you sure it’s worth it?

Daria : Why?

Tom : Well, this isn’t exactly (realizing that he’s making a big mistake), um …

Daria : (probing) Yes?

Tom : Well, um, you don’t exactly fit in here very well …

Daria : (annoyed) Thanks a lot (venomous) dear.


Daria, her face flush in anger, forcibly makes her way into the crowd, inadvertently knocking down a student or two in the process. Watching in surprise, Tom and Jane quickly loose sight of Daria in the tangled crowd.

Tom : Ok …

Jane : Well done Don Juan.

Tom : What did I do? She doesn’t fit in here. None of us do.

Jane : You just don’t get it, do you? (exasperated) Men!


Jane heads off into the crowd to try and find Daria, leaving a confused Tom standing alone. Shaking his head, he walks off after Jane in search of Daria.


Elsewhere, Kevin and a cute-looking girl are talking together near a large ceramic tiger. Kevin stands proudly, a beer in his hand and a haughty look on his face as he flirts with his feminine companion. She, on the other hand, seems less than thrilled with Kevin and his bravado.

Kevin : Yeah babe, we won the game. And it was all because of me, the QB! Isn’t that great?

Girl : But … didn’t you win 4 to 3?

Kevin : Yeah, we won! We are the champions!

Brittany : (VO) Kevvie! What are you doing?


Brittany walks into the scene in anger, approaching Kevin and the girl. Taking note of Brittany’s expression, the girl slips back into the crowd, away from Kevin and Brittany. Standing in front of Kevin, a disappointed Brittany shoots him an accusative glare.

Brittany : You were flirting with her!

Kevin : Hey babe, you’ve got it all wrong! I was just telling her about the big game!

Brittany : I saw you from over there smiling your head off and flirting like crazy!

Kevin : Babe, I was just being friendly …

Brittany : I’ll just bet you were, Mr. Busyhands …


Pan over to Quinn, Stacy, Tiffany, and Sandi, who are watching the events with bemusement.

Tiffany : That’s, like … sooo wrong

Stacy : I know. She shouldn’t be wearing those pants with that shirt…

Sandi : It doesn’t seem to matter to Kevin.

Quinn : Sandi, Kevin would put the moves on a turnip with breasts.

Sandi : What does Brittany see in him? (arrogantly) I mean, if I ever decided to settle on just one boy to date, I just couldn’t have him running off with other girls. That would be, like, so beneath me.

Quinn : I know. I mean, what’s the point of a steady boyfriend if he cheats on you?

Tiffany : Presents?


Sandi looks to Tiffany condescendingly.

Sandi : Tiffany dear, you should be getting presents on every date

Tiffany : But … shouldn’t you get better presents … if you date longer?

Quinn : Tiffany, wouldn’t you be mad if I were dating your boyfriend?

Tiffany : You’re dating my boyfriend? (Bt) I didn’t know I had one.

Stacy : It’s hypothetical Tiffany.

Tiffany : Oh. Have I met him?


Sandi is about to correct Tiffany when she notices Quinn staring across the room.

Sandi : Quinn? Did you find something more important to worry about?

Quinn : (pointing) Is that Daria over there with Jerome and Robert?

Stacy : (looking into the distance) I’m not sure … She’s like …

Tiffany : Smiling …


Pan over to Daria, who is speaking with Jamie and Robert, and indeed is smiling slightly. Jamie appears locked into a conversation with Daria, whereas Robert stands stiffly, appearing more like a secret service agent than a student.

Daria : So you had a good game?

Jamie : (surprised) You were there?

Daria : No. But if you lost, Kevin wouldn’t be in nearly this good a mood.

Robert : That’s very funny Ma’am.

Daria : Daria.

Robert : Ok Ma’am.


Daria looks at Robert with a penetrating stare.

Daria : (suspicious) Have you gone to Lawndale High all your life?

Robert : No Ma’am. I went to Military School until I was thirteen.

Daria : And do you call all women Ma’am Robert?

Robert : No Ma’am. If they’re in uniform, you call them Sir.


As Robert finishes speaking, Tom and Jane come up alongside Daria, both wearing a look of relief. Daria acknowledges them with a brief shrug.

Jane : Well there you are, I … We’ve been looking all over for you!

Daria : Well, if you’d have looked here first, you would have found me, now wouldn’t you?

Tom : Is everything OK Daria?

Daria : Oh, just peachy. Tom, Jane, this is Jamie and Robert.

Jane : Bet you can’t say that three times fast.

Daria : I have nothing to prove to you Jane.

Tom : (visibly changing the subject) So you two are on the football team?

Jamie : That’s us, the ferocious Lawndale Lions.


Off to the right, Jamie is interrupted by a boisterous Kevin.

Kevin : (VO) Well of course I’m better at it than you. I’m the QB!


Motioning towards Kevin, Jamie smiles slightly.

Jamie : And that would be our fearless leader.

Tom : Who sits around lazily while the rest of the team struggles to provide for him?

Daria : Now, now Tom, that’s not very fair.

Jane : Yeah, you’re forgetting about the whole fight for dominance.

Kevin : (VO) As the QB, I could drink more than anyone here …

Tom : (smiling) No, I’m not.

Jamie : That’s just Kevin’s way of fitting in. He loves being the center of attention. You get used to it …


From the same general direction as Kevin, a loud male voice carries across the room a challenging tone.

Male Voice : (VO) A scrawny kid like you? No way.

Jamie : As long as you don’t egg him on, that is.

Kevin : (VO) Oh yeah? I’ll bet I can. Come on, who wants to challenge me?

Jane : We should get a pool going on who’s desperate enough to take him up on his offer. I’m going to put my money on Joey and Jeffy.

Daria : As if they’d pull themselves away from Quinn for long enough for a full game.

Jamie : They’re not that bad …

Daria : No?

Jamie : (conciliatory) Well …

Tom : Well, I can’t say that I know enough of your classmates to intelligently pick a winner. I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. Daria?

Daria : Ding ding ding! We have a winner. (loudly to Kevin) I’ll take you up on that challenge Kevin!


As Daria walks over towards Kevin, Tom and Jane watch her leave in astonishment. Daria moves through a pack of people and out of sight as Tom and Jane continue to stare blankly at the crowd. Turning to Tom and Jane, Jamie breaks the awkward silence.

Jamie : Um, Jane, (uncertain) Tom?


Both Jane and Tom look at Jamie in silent consideration.

Jamie : Did Daria just …

Jane : (looking back towards where Daria walked off) Um, I think so.

Tom : (to Jane) Did you …

Jane : I had no idea … I mean, it’s not exactly her thing …

Jamie : Um …

Tom : (dangerously) Jamie?

Jamie : Uh …

Tom : (faux cooperation) Is there anything you’d like to share with us?


Jane and Tom skewer Jamie with a probing glance, causing him to retreat slightly. Nervously, he looks to Tom and Jane.

Jamie : Um, Daria was, like, annoyed that everyone thought she, like, didn’t belong here …

Tom : But, she doesn’t belong here.

Jane : And yet, for some unknown reason, she seems to want to …


Nearby, Kevin is standing by a table, looking confused as Daria walks up to him. A fellow football player, apparently the one challenging Kevin, stands next to Kevin, also watching Daria.

Kevin : Daria?

Daria : That’s me Kevin.

Kevin : Like, what do you want?

Daria : You made a challenge, didn’t you?

Kevin : (condescending) But Daria, I couldn’t challenge a girl. It just wouldn’t be fair!


Daria grimaces briefly at Kevin’s misogynist behavior.

Daria : You’re not challenging a girl. I’m challenging you.

Kevin : (not quite understanding the distinction) Um …

Daria : Unless you’re afraid you’d lose?

Kevin : Hey, I never lose.

Daria : Then why won’t you play with me?


By this time, a small crowd has gathered, and Kevin is beginning to notice the growing number of people watching him. Still uncertain about being challenged by Daria, but not willing to make a scene in front of the growing crowd, Kevin reluctantly plays along with her.

Kevin : Um, what would we bet?

Daria : Well, if you win, I’ll do your homework for a month.

Kevin : Uh, OK?

Daria : And if I win, you won’t date any other girls, and you’ll take Brittany out to Chez Pierre twice a month.

Kevin : But I can’t afford that!

Daria : (coyly) So you’re afraid of losing?

Kevin : No.

Daria : (sighing inwardly) So why are you worried?

Kevin : Huh?

Daria : If you’re not going to lose, why do you care what my bet is?


As Kevin ponders this, Jane and Tom force their way through to the front of the crowd. Spying them, Daria shoots the two a mischievous smirk, and turns back to Kevin. As Jane and Tom look on incredulously, the odd-neuron in Kevin’s brain actually fires, and he realizes what Daria was trying to say.

Kevin : Wow, you’re really smart, even about important stuff!

Daria : (extending her hand) So, do we have a deal?

Kevin : (shaking her hand) Um, sure. It’s a bet. Now where did I put those beers?

Daria : (disappointed) Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. Beer? (walking towards a cabinet) That’s so … juvenile. Be a man!


Reaching into the cabinet, Daria removes a bottle and heads to the table. As Kevin gets up to do the same, we can see the label on Daria’s bottle, a dark black label with the words ‘ Jack Daniel’s ’ clearly visible. As Kevin returns with a bottle, the student who instigated Kevin in the first place returns with a box full of shot glasses.

Student : OK, standard rules. First one to puke loses. Any questions?


Pan over to Tom and Jane, both of who are still looking on in something approaching complete shock. Slowly, Tom leans over towards Jane, never taking his eyes off of Daria and Kevin.

Tom : Um, Jane? Daria doesn’t have a twin I don’t know about, does she?

Jane : Are you that desperate for an explanation?


In the distance, we can see both Daria and Kevin fill the first shot glass as they look across the table at each other.

Tom : Yes. Yes, I am.


Fade to later in the night. Daria is looking across the table at her opponent, with a general sense of exhaustion creeping over her face. Slowly reaching down, she picks up a shot glass, studying it for a moment. With a fatalistic expression, she raises the glass to her mouth as she tips her head back, sending the amber liquid cascading down her throat. Grimacing slightly, she overturns the shot glass and places it back on the table with a reverberating ‘thunk’. Raising her head from the table, she looks over at Kevin with an implicit challenge in her voice.

Daria : Five.


Pan to the outskirts of the crowd, where Quinn, Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany have managed to work their way through the crowd in order to see what’s going on, courtesy of Joey and Jeffy clearing the way for them. Looking at the table, Quinn notices Daria sitting at the table, staring just long enough for Sandi to take notice. Smirking, Sandi quickly formulates a plan.

Sandi : (confrontational) Wow Quinn, your sister is really pretty cool.

Quinn : What?

Sandi : Well, she’s up there with Kevin, and everyone is watching them and cheering them on. (loaded) How much more popular could you get?

Quinn : Come on Sandi, anyone can drink, it’s not like it’s as challenging as coordinating a really good outfit.

Sandi : (tempting) Really Quinn? Or are you just jealous that your sister is cooler than you are?

Quinn : (taking the bait) She is not!


Watching the exchange between Sandi and Quinn, Stacy looks on with concern, finally attempting to intercede between the two.

Stacy : Um, Sandi?


Sandi completely ignores Stacy, concentrating instead on Quinn.

Sandi : Seems that way to me …

Quinn : Anyone can do what she’s doing. (grabbing Joey’s beer) It’s not that hard …

Joey : Stay here Quinn, I’ll get you a beer!

Jeffy : No way man, I’m getting her a beer!

Sandi : (slyly) Um, guys, why don’t you both get her a beer?

Joey : Oh. OK!

Jeffy : Me first!



As Joey and Jeffy push through the crowd in search of beer, Sandi looks over at Quinn with a leering grin on her face.


In the next room, Jodie and Mack are walking together, with Jodie carrying a large plastic cup.

Mack : Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m about ready to go.

Jodie : Ok. You know how much I love football parties.

Mack : Plus, I’d kind of like to spend some time with just you …

Jodie : (smiling) Oh Mack, you’d choose me over the football team?

Mack : Jodie, please. I have to shower with these people.

Jodie : (obviously teasing Mack) You never shower with me …

Mack : You’d like to join us after a game?

Jodie : Now you know that’s not what I meant!

Mack : (smiling) Hey, I’m not stupid. Now lets get out of here before … Uh Oh.

Jodie : What?

Mack : (gesturing too the adjacent room) I see a crowd gathered around the table.

Jodie : And?

Mack : Ten bucks says it’s Kevin doing something stupid.

Jodie : Not much of a bet there.

Mack : Ok, something exceptionally stupid.

Jodie : (as the two make their way through the crowd) No deal.


Mack and Jodie push through to the front of the crowd, adjacent to Tom and Jane. Looking towards the table, Mack first sees Kevin taking a shot, at which he shakes his head in unsurprised disgust. As he turns to leave, he notices Daria, staring in amazement. Reaching out, he tugs on a nearby sleeve.

Girl : Hey!

Mack : (looking at the girl) Oh, sorry. (turning) Um, Jodie?

Kevin : Like, um, that’s … seven?

Jodie : What Mack?

Mack : Um, (pointing) Is that Daria?

Daria : You’re going down Kevin. (sarcastically) And not in the fun way.

Kevin : Daria! That’s, like, gross!

Daria : You want to quit?

Kevin : No way babe, I’m (sic) the QB!

Jodie : (taking in the whole scene) What’s she doing here? (realizing what’s going on) In the middle of a drinking game? With KEVIN?


Jodie looks around, noticing Tom and Jane watching with rabid fascination. Jodie gently taps Jane on the shoulder, getting the attention of both Jane and Tom.

Jodie : Um, guys? What’s going on?

Jane : I wish I knew. One moment we’re making fun of the lions, and the next moment she’s matching Kevin shot for shot …


Fade to later in the night, centered on the table where Daria and Kevin are both seated. Daria is swaying slightly, and making a conscious effort to keep her eyes open, and Kevin appears a bit sick.

Kevin : Baaabe … It’s your turn.

Daria : (picking up the glass) You ready for this Mr. QB?


Daria raises the glass and downs a shot, fumbling as she places the glass back on the table. Locking Kevin in a solid glare, her eyes flare briefly.

Daria : Beat that Kevin.


Pouring himself a drink, Kevin follows Daria’s lead, downing the shot in short order. After a moment or two, Kevin springs out of the seat and heads for the bathroom. Standing up shakily, Daria picks up the bottle and heads away from the table in an unsteady gait.

Daria : Well, I guess that makes me the winner! Now, if you’ll excuse me …


Daria, a strange grin on her face, walks over to where Jodie, Mack, Tom, and Jane are standing. As she approaches them, the four regard her with a mixture of concern and surprise.

Daria : Jodie! Mack! Great to see you! Having fun?

Jodie : Um, sure Daria. We’re, uh, having a great time …

Tom : Um, Daria?


Daria turns to look at Tom and Jane.

Daria : Tom!


Daria walks over and gives Tom a big hug. Looking over to Jane, she walks over and gives her a big hug as well.

Daria : Jane!

Jane : (pushing Daria away) Um, hi Daria …

Tom : Daria? We should really get going …

Daria : Oh, OK. (looking around) Just lemme go get Quinn …


The camera follows Daria as she walks over to Quinn, who is closely attended by Joey and Jeffy. Reaching her hand out to Joey’s arm, Quinn squeezes his upper arm, giggling slightly.

Quinn : Wow Joey, your biceps are so big. How do you do it?

Joey : Um, I like lift weights and stuff …

Jeffy : I lift more than he does!

Joey : Do not!


As Joey and Jeffy begin to fight, Daria grabs Quinn by the arm and pulls her over towards Tom and Jane.

Quinn : Hey, what’re you doing?

Daria : Time for bed Quinn. We’ve gotta get you home without letting mom know.

Quinn : Mom? Who invited her?


As Tom and Jane help an unsteady Daria with a marginally resisting Quinn, Joey and Jeffy continue to fight in the background.


Cut to the exterior of Brittany’s house. Tom and Jane are guiding Quinn towards Tom’s car as Daria walks unsteadily in front of them. After a few stumbling minutes, the four turn the corner, heading down the sidewalk to Tom’s car.

Daria : So, like, where’s this other party thing?

Tom : (concerned) Um, Daria? Maybe we should just get you home …


Daria looks back at Tom and Jane, suddenly walking with perfect coordination. Speaking with utter clarity in her usual voice, Daria answers Tom.

Daria : Why, are you too tired or something?


Tom and Jane stop and stare at Daria as Quinn sways unsteadily on her feet.

Tom : Daria?

Daria : Yes Tom?

Tom : What the hell is going on? How did you, I mean, weren’t you …


Daria smirks at Tom, and with a shrug hands him the bottle.

Tom : Um, Daria? I have to drive …

Daria : Oh, just try a little. It won’t hurt you.


Tom tilts the bottle back, taking a small swig into his mouth. Swishing it around with a puzzled expression, he swallows and looks back at Daria.

Tom : This is Iced Tea.

Jane : What!?!

Daria : You think I’m stupid enough to actually get drunk at one of these parties?

Tom : (slightly annoyed) Um, Daria? Why the HELL didn’t you warn us?

Daria : And miss the looks on your faces?

Jane : And your whole ‘drunk’ routine?

Daria : Now how could I pass up the chance to let ‘Evil Daria’ out for a night?

Tom : (worried) ‘Evil Daria’?

Daria : You mean there’s no ‘Evil Thom’? Someone who just doesn’t care about all the rules and expectations, who lets it all ‘hang loose’?

Tom : Nope. Too much chafing …

Jane : But why now? (teasing) Why have you been holding back on me?


Daria looks to Jane, considering her actions for a moment. As her face sets into a solemn expression, she addresses Jane. In the background, a barely audible police siren begins.

Daria : (somber) Ever since I agreed to go to this party, everyone keeps telling me that I don’t belong at parties. You, Tom, my parents, basically everyone except Quinn responded in the same way. ‘Daria, why are YOU going to a party’, ‘You don’t belong here Daria’, ‘Stop making fun of your sister Daria’. I guess I just wanted to know that, um, I could belong, if I wanted to …

Jane : So, are you going to be Lawndale’s newest party girl this year?

Daria : I’d rather be shark kibble.

Jane : Just when I think I have you figured out …

Tom : But that’s what we love about you … Um, that’s what I love … uh …

Daria : (smirking) Come on. Let’s get Quinn back and into bed before my mom gets too suspicious.


Interior of Quinn’s room. Quinn is sitting on her bed half-asleep, wearing only a long nightshirt. As she starts to fall sideways onto her bed, Jane quickly moves from the dresser to hold her up. Grasping Quinn’s hand, she pulls Quinn to her feet.

Quinn : Hey!

Jane : No sleep just yet Quinn. Here, you might want these.


Jane hands Quinn a pair of shorts. Taking them uncertainly, Quinn looks about the room in confusion.

Quinn : Where’d Tom go?

Jane : Um, I asked him to wait in the hall Quinn.

Quinn : (curious) Why?

Jane : Because you aren’t wearing any pants?

Quinn : (looking at the shorts in her hand) But I was wearing pants before …

Jane : Remember Quinn? The whole going to bed idea? (under breath) Daria owes me BIG for this …


Daria enters the room, quietly closing the door. Placing a few CD cases on the dresser, Daria walks up to Quinn and brusquely hands her a glass of water.

Daria : Drink.

Quinn : But I’m not thirsty!

Daria : Drink. You’ll thank me in the morning.


As Quinn slowly sips the water, Daria puts a CD in the CD player and pulls back the covers on Quinn’s bed. As Jane moves slowly towards the door, Daria watches Quinn until she finishes the glass of water. Taking the glass from her carefully, Daria motions to the bed.

Daria : Ok Quinn, get into bed.

Quinn : Ok …


Quinn climbs into bed slowly, wrapping herself in the blankets and rolling onto her side. As she does so, Daria and Jane head out of the room, with Daria flipping the light switch as she carefully shuts the door. In the hallway, Tom looks at the two girls as they emerge.

Tom : Everything OK?

Daria : Yep, she’s put to bed, and I even put on some nice bedtime music.

Jane : (teasing) Why Daria, are you actually displaying your nurturing side? I should get my camera!


As Jane speaks, music can be heard softly wafting from the room

Hush little baby, don’t say a word

And never mind that noise you heard

It’s just the beasts under your bed

In your closet, in your head


Jane : Your honor? The prosecution wishes to withdraw the question …


Exterior of the Morgendorffer Residence. The door opens as Daria, Jane, and Tom leave the house and head down the sidewalk. Reaching the end, Daria and Tom head towards Tom’s car as Jane turns to head home.

Tom : Are you ready Daria?

Jane : Ready?

Daria : Um, one of Jim’s friends is also throwing a party tonight. (Bt) You can come if you want …

Jane : No, that’s Ok Daria. I wouldn’t want to be a third wheel.

Daria : Are you sure?

Jane : (laughing) It’s fine Daria, really. I think one party is quite enough for one night.


As Jane walks home, disappearing into the night, Daria watches her friend leave with a hint of guilt in her face.

Daria : Why is it that I feel guilty about this?

Tom : If it helps, Jane used to feel guilty about it too …

Daria : You know, it does.


Fade to the exterior of an upper middle class household. Inside, people are milling about to the music leaking through the windows. Daria and Tom approach from the sidewalk and head through the front door. Inside, there are a number of students, some in formal dress, some in jeans and a t-shirts, talking, drinking, and dancing. As Tom closes the door, a well-dressed student approaches Daria, extending his hand.

Student : Good evening Miss, I do not believe that I have had the pleasure of your acquaintance.

Daria : No, probably not.

Student : Maximillian’s the name, but my friends call me Max. May I have the pleasure of your name?

Daria : Ilyena Borisovna Popovich.

Tom : Daria? (noticing Max) Oh, I see you’ve met Max.

Max : Daria? Feisty! I like that in a woman.

Daria : Do you by any chance know a Charles Ruttheimer?

Max : Ruttheimer? My mom receives a check from someone like that every month. Some kind of investment, I think …


Pondering this for a moment, Daria looks to Tom, her expression saying ‘Don’t argue with me, please?’

Daria : Come on Tom, why don’t you introduce me to some of your friends?


Taking the hint, Daria and Tom walk away from Max, heading far enough into the party to be out of sight and earshot of him. Looking around, Tom notices a nearby table, leaving Daria for a moment to return with two plastic cups. Taking the cup from Tom, Daria takes a tentative sip.

Tom : Don’t worry Daria, it’s just coke. I opened the bottle myself.

Daria : (appreciatively) Thanks. I’ve learned the hard way to be careful at parties.

Tom : Um, we both did. (Bt) Is something up?


Daria tilts her upwards to the ceiling.

Daria : Florescent lights. Cheap ones. And what looks like … chocolate cake?

Tom : Daria … (Bt – looking up ) Chocolate cake?

Daria : Made you look.

Tom : Very funny. Have you met Max before?

Daria : No.

Tom : Then why would you know about their investments? (suspicious) What type of investments does Upchuck’s father do?

Daria : I’m thinking short-term investments. Say, nine-month promissory notes?


Tom looks at Daria pensively for a moment before realizing the true nature of what she’s suggesting. Resisting the urge to gasp, he collects himself before proceeding.

Tom : You mean Max? And Upchuck?

Daria : I’d bet good money on it.

Tom : Never met bad money … Should we tell him?

Daria : Hell no. Could you imagine what would happen if they ganged up?


Fade to elsewhere in the house. Daria and Tom are standing at the doorway of a plush carpeted room. In the far corner, a TV casts its flickering light over the people sitting around on the couches.

TV : "But I was going to go into Tashi Station to pick up some power converters!"


One of the viewers sits forward on the couch, shaking his head. In a single smooth motion, he throws the popcorn in his hand at the TV.

Boy 1 : Sure Luke, whine about it! What a wuss …

Boy 2 : Hey! What did I say about throwing popcorn at the screen?

Boy 1 : Oh, sorry. (remembering what he was told) "If you get annoyed, don’t throw things at the screen. Throw them at Will."


The boy turns and throws a handful of popcorn at the person seated next to him, who quickly puts his hands up to protect his face.

Will : Hey! It was a joke!


In doorway, Tom and Daria turn to face each other.

Daria : What’s the point of going to a party to watch TV?

Tom : As opposed to going to a party to get drunk?

Daria : Point taken. You know, this isn’t quite as bad as I feared …

Tom : Careful Daria, you might just begin to like it.

Shooting Tom a look of playful annoyance, Daria heads off. Shrugging, Tom moves to follow her.


Inside the kitchen, Daria and Tom are standing in front of the refrigerator, trying to stay out of the way of the constant stream of people. Looking around, Daria cocks her head, inviting Tom’s attention.

Daria : (pointing) Say, isn’t that Jim?

Tom : You know, I do believe you’re right. Should we be friendly and say hi?

Daria : You know me.

Tom : Yeah, but we should probably do it anyway.

Daria : Hey! You’d better watch yourself there.


Tom stops, looking down at his feet while a puzzled Daria tries to look inconspicuous.

Tom : Well, I can keep watching myself if you want, but it isn’t very exciting…

Daria : Come on funny boy. Let’s go say hi.


Grabbing Tom by the elbow, Daria drags him off towards Jim. As they approach Jim, they notice that he appears to be talking to a very attractive young woman. As Tom looks curiously, the girl gives Jim a peck on the cheek and melds back into the crowd. Daria and a smiling Tom walk up behind Jim as he watches the girl leave.

Tom : Go Jim! Hopefully we’re not interrupting anything?

Jim : (slightly disappointed) No, she was just looking for the bathroom.

Tom : Come on Jim, we saw the kiss.

Jim : That was just her way of thanking me. (softly) She was a little drunk…

Tom : And you didn’t offer to help her there?


Tom flinches slightly as Daria elbows him in the ribs.

Daria : You must excuse my neanderthal companion here.

Jim : (turning to face Tom and Daria) Oh, hi Daria. Didn’t see you there. Enjoying the party?

Daria : Well, it’s a little tamer than the last one I went to.

Jim : The last one?

Tom : There was a party by the Lawndale crowd earlier tonight.

Jim : More fun and excitement?

Daria : Well, we did get to see the QB utterly humiliate himself in a drinking game, and we had to drag my drunken sister back to my house before anyone took advantage of her.

Jim : (sincerely) Oh, I’m sorry.

Daria : Why? My sister humiliated herself without any help from me, and I have enough blackmail material to last me the month. It’s been a good night.

Jim : You don’t get along too well with your sister, do you?

Daria : Now whatever gave you that idea?

Tom : So, anyone else from the crowd here?

Jim : Dan was here for a while, but I haven’t seen him in a while. After last time, Chris probably wasn’t invited.

Daria : Last time?

Tom : Chris and parties don’t get along terribly well. She, um, doesn’t suffer fools lightly, and these parties tend to bring them out.

Daria : But I thought that this was an ‘emergency social event’?

Tom : Well, yes. But you know how reputations are.


Daria closes her eyes and puts her hand up to her face for a moment.

Daria : Monday should be interesting. I probably should have thought of that…

Jim : Huh?

Tom : Guess who won the drinking game?

Jim looks from Tom to Daria in surprise. As his glance reaches Daria, Tom nods gently. Jim looks at Tom, an implied question in his gaze. Responding, Tom silently mouths out the phrase "I’ll tell you later".


Fade in to Lawndale High. Daria and Jane enter through the front door, heading towards their locker. Behind them, one of the students standing around the entrance recognize Daria from the party.

Corey : Hey, it’s the girl with the iron stomach! Congratulations!

Daria : Yeah, thanks. (to Jane) You know, it’s probably best that my erstwhile classmates have such short memories.

Jane : Oh Daria, just go along with it. Just think, you could have your own fan club! You could be popular and influential!

Daria : Be still my beating heart.

Jane : Go on, give in to the dark side. It’ll make you feel good!

Daria : How?

Jane : Um, I haven’t gotten that far yet.

Daria : That far?


Jane reaches into her bag and pulls out a yellow book. As we zoom in, we can see the title – "Drug Dealing for Dummies". Looking down at the book, Daria studies it briefly before returning her gaze to Jane in surprise.

Daria : Jane!

Jane : Hey, it makes a great conversation piece, and it’s really quite good at describing how to manipulate people.

Daria : If you wanted to do that, I could set you up with Quinn …

Jane : No thanks. The drugs have less of a stigma.


Daria and Jane turn the corner, continuing to talk between themselves. In the distance, Quinn can be seen approaching as students move to get out of her way. Oblivious, Daria and Jane continue on their way until an angry Quinn blocks their path. Finally noticing, Daria looks at Quinn in amusement, which only serves to anger Quinn more.

Daria : Quinn? You’re locker is back that way.

Quinn : You know why I’m here Daria.

Daria : Ms. Li finally agreed to arm the truant officers?

Quinn : Very funny. How could you do that?

Daria : It’s called sarcasm Quinn. It’s well known as a form of humor by us intellectual types.

Quinn : That’s not what I meant.

Daria : (getting annoyed) Then what did you mean Quinn?

Quinn : You intentionally humiliated me at the party! You’re just jealous of me, aren’t you?

Daria : (indignant) What?

Quinn : You just couldn’t stand to see me be both smart AND popular, so you pull that little stunt to make sure that YOU’RE the most popular.

Daria : (a forced calm in her voice) I TOLD you Quinn, that I did not go to the party to humiliate you. It had nothing to do with you.

Quinn : Then why is the entire school talking about you? Do you hate me that much?

Daria : (her frustration beginning to show behind the forced calm in her voice) Go to hell Quinn.


Daria turns and walks away, leaving a triumphant looking Quinn standing with Jane.

Quinn : (vindicated) That showed her. (to no one in particular) Daria, you need to be careful who you’re messing with. I’m way out of your league.


Quinn turns and heads back the way she came, leaving Jane standing alone in the middle of the hallway.

Jane : (to herself) This is not good. Not good at all.


As she finishes, someone clips her with a bag, knocking her off balance.

Jane : Hey! Watch where you’re going!


Cut to the girls’ bathroom. Quinn, Stacy, and Tiffany are standing in front of the mirror, checking their makeup.

Stacy : So, where did you go at the party Quinn?

Quinn : Oh, (thinking) Joey and Jeffy brought me home. It wasn’t all that exciting.

Tiffany : Yeah. But the cops were pretty nice.

Quinn : Cops?

Stacy : Like, someone called the cops on us for something about the music.

Tiffany : Yeah … and something about, like … a fight or something outside?


Behind the three, Jane enters the bathroom and grabs Quinn’s arm. As Jane begins to drag Quinn towards the door, Stacy and Tiffany turn to face Jane.

Quinn : Hey!

Jane : We need to talk Quinn. Now.

Tiffany : Um, like … girl? We were talking to her.

Stacy : Yeah, this is like … rude.


Jane turns to give Stacy and Tiffany a menacing look, remaining absolutely silent.

Stacy : Eep!

Quinn : Don’t worry guys. I don’t think she wants to hurt me.

Jane : Shows how little you know.

Quinn : What?

Jane : Just get moving.


As Jane pushes Quinn out the door, Stacy and Tiffany stare at the two. As the door swings shut, there is a brief moment of silence between the two.

Stacy : That was, like, so wrong!

Tiffany : I know. She had WAY too many earrings.


Lawndale High, the roof. The access door opens, through which Quinn emerges, followed closely by Jane.

Quinn : Why are we UP here anyway! I have class!

Jane : Well then, lets get you down to it.


Jane begins pushing Quinn away from the door.

Quinn : But, the door’s that way?

Jane : I hadn’t planned on using the stairs.


A frightened Quinn pulls away from Jane, looking on in semi-concealed terror. Jane stares apathetically for a moment before allowing a smile to cross her face.

Quinn : That wasn’t funny!

Jane : Sure it was. And anyway, you deserved it.

Quinn : What, Daria couldn’t humiliate me enough on her own, so she sent you?

Jane : Daria doesn’t know I’m here.

Quinn : Right. Like I’m gonna believe you.

Jane : Quinn? Do you remember what happened Friday night?

Quinn : Daria got into a contest thing with Kevin, which meant that I just had to prove that I was as cool as her.

Jane : How did you get home?

Quinn : Joey and Jeffy helped me.

Jane : Do you remember the boots?


Fade back to Friday night, along the streets of Lawndale. Tom and Jane are standing next to Quinn. Daria is nowhere in sight.

Quinn : So where’s Daria?

Jane : (sighing) She went ahead to make sure that Helen and Jake are asleep so we can get you inside.

Quinn : (standing straight, twisting to get away from Tom and Jane) Hey, I’m fine. Just let me …


In the act of twisting away, Quinn loses her balance, stumbling to the ground at Jane’s feet.

Jane : Quinn? Are you OK?


Pushing herself up to her knees, Quinn takes a moment to gather herself before attempting to stand. As she does so, she appears to be examining Jane’s feet with great curiosity.

Quinn : What is it with you and Daria, and these BOOTS?

Tom : (to Jane) She’s fine. (to Quinn) Come on Quinn, stand up. You wouldn’t want anyone to think you were worshipping Jane’s feet, would you?

Quinn : Ohmigod, no!


Quinn scrambles back to her feet as we fade back to the roof of Lawndale High. Quinn looks at Jane in surprise.

Quinn : It was you? Why?

Jane : Well, Tom and I did it to help Daria.

Quinn : Why did Daria help me?

Jane : She claims that she didn’t want Helen or Jake to find out so she wouldn’t get in trouble.

Quinn : (thinking) But … why did she get me water?

Jane : (conspiratorial) Just between you and me, I think she was worried about you.

Quinn : Worried? That means … and I just … Oh.

Jane : Exactly.

Quinn : So … what do I do?

Jane : That’s your department Quinn. I’ve done all I can.


As Jane walks away towards the stairwell, a morose Quinn looks out over Lawndale.


Cut to the front door, Morgendorffer Residence. Daria and Jane are about to enter when Daria stops for a second, staring into the driveway.

Daria : Jane, what time is it?


Jane looks to Daria, slightly confused.

Jane : You have a watch Daria.

Daria : I know. I just don’t trust myself right now.

Jane : Why the sudden crisis of faith?

Daria : (pointing) My mother’s car is in the driveway. So either she’s home early, or I’ve gone completely and utterly mad.

Jane : Well amiga, I see it too. So it’s probably not a hallucination.

Daria : That’s hardly reassuring.

Jane : So you’d rather be mad than have your mother be home early?


Daria and Jane enter the house, where they see Quinn sitting in the living room with a frightened look on her face. As Jane pulls the door shut, Quinn vigorously waves her hands, trying to get Daria and Jane to leave.

Helen : (VO – dangerously) Daria? Stay right there. We need to talk.

Daria : (to Jane) To answer your question, yes.


Helen enters the room with an angry look on her face. As Quinn shrinks back slightly, Helen turns to Daria, a no nonsense expression on her face.

Helen : Young lady, would you care to explain to me exactly what happened at this party you attended?

Daria : What?

Helen : What did you do at this party?

Daria : What do I usually do? Talked to a few people, made fun of the rest, that sort of thing.

Helen : And was there any alcohol at this party?


Realizing the danger, but knowing that a lie will only make matters worse, Daria reluctantly answers.

Daria : Yes, there was.

Helen : Do you know what the drinking age is in this state?

Daria : Yes. (Bt) Are you saying that you never had a drink before you were of legal age?

Helen : (blushing slightly) That’s … entirely different.

Daria : I see. MUCH different.


Annoyed at being sidetracked so easily, Helen resumes her questioning with even greater intensity.

Helen : Young lady, did YOU have anything to drink?

Daria : Sure, I had a couple of cokes.

Helen : Anything alcoholic.

Daria : No, I didn’t.

Helen : So you didn’t challenge Kevin to a drinking contest?


Daria looks up at Helen in shock, unaware that she knew about the contest.

Helen : I’ll take that as a yes. Young lady, do you know the rules of the house? I expected you to know better than to engage in a stupid popularity contest. You don’t need to do this sort of thing to be popular you know. Just look at Quinn …


Daria gets up and walks up the stairs, to Helen’s surprise. After watching Daria for a few seconds, Helen remembers that this is not what was supposed to happen.

Helen : Hey! Get down here this instant Daria. Don’t leave when I’m talking to you!


Helen starts towards the stairs with an angry stride when Daria appears at the top of the stairs, holding the bottle from the party in her left hand. Heading down the stairs, she hands the bottle to Helen and walks over to the closet.

Daria : Try some mom. It’ll help you deal.


Daria reaches into the closet, removing a light windbreaker.

Helen : Just where do you think you’re going?

Daria : I need some fresh air.

Helen : I’m not through with you.

Daria : Have a drink and you will be.

Quinn : (looking over at Helen) What’s in there?

Jane : Elderberry wine.


Looking at Jane thoughtfully, Helen opens the bottle and sniffs gently. Confused, she takes a small sip from the bottle.

Helen : Iced Tea?

Quinn : You CHEATED?

Daria : Well, of course Quinn. How stupid do you think I am?

Helen : (confused) But … why?

Daria : To help a friend, perhaps?

Helen : I’m serious Daria.

Daria : So am I. I did this to help Brittany. But of course you won’t believe me. Since when do I help anyone? Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to be alone, so I don’t accidentally help anyone else and ruin my reputation.


As Daria heads towards the front door, Jake enters, oblivious to the events transpiring.

Jake : Hey kiddo. What’s up? Going out?

Daria : Going for a walk.

Jake : A walk? Great idea. A little exercise is good for you!

Daria : (deadpan) Gee, thanks Dad.


As Daria leaves, Jake turns to see Helen, Quinn, and Jane simply staring at him.

Jake : What?

Helen : (heading upstairs) Oh Jake …


Cut to Pizza King. Daria is sitting at a far corner table, effectively hiding her from sight. Through the front door, Tom enters, scanning the restaurant. Disappointed, he is just about to leave when he catches a glimpse of Daria’s hair in the corner.

Walking up to her table, Tom sees a half-eaten slice of pizza sitting in front of Daria, who is staring blankly at the wall. Tom takes a seat across from Daria, eliciting a slow, deliberate glance from Daria.

Tom : Hey beautiful, buy you a slice?

Daria : I’m not really hungry.

Tom : Um, then why are you at a pizza parlor?

Daria : (looking curiously at Tom) Why are you?

Tom : Looking for you?

Daria : (slightly hopeful) Really?

Tom : Quinn called me.

Daria : Quinn?

Tom : She was worried about you. She asked me to say that she’s sorry.

Daria : Quinn?

Tom : She, um, told me what happened. I’m sorry.

Daria : It’s not your fault.

Tom : Doesn’t mean I can’t be sorry…

Daria : Thanks, I guess.

Tom : Would you like to take a walk?


Daria looks at Tom, considering his request for a moment, as Tom watches with pleading eyes. Relenting, Daria drops her napkin on top of her pizza.

Daria : I suppose …

Tom : Come on. I’ve heard that the night air is full of evil spirits.

Daria : (getting up) You sure know how to make a girl feel special, don’t you?

Tom : It’s a gift. One they won’t let me return…


Cut to the exterior of the Morgendorffer residence. Daria and Tom walk up to the front door, when Tom leans over and kisses Daria gently. Appreciative, Daria looks up at Tom with a hint of a smile on her face.

Tom : So, are you going to be OK?

Daria : Yeah, I think so. Thanks.


Daria kisses Tom back. After a long kiss, Tom reaches into his pocket and removes a small gift.

Tom : Here, open it when you get inside.

Daria : Um …

Tom : See you tomorrow?

Daria : Sure. Something tells me that I’ll want to get out of the house tomorrow…

Tom : Again?

Daria : (opening the door and walking inside) Hey, you know me. Ms. Social Butterfly.

Tom : Just watch those radiators…


Morgendorffer Residence, just outside of Daria’s room. Daria is about to enter when she notices a note taped to her door.

Daria –

I’m sorry about what happened at school. I didn’t realize that you did so much to keep me out of trouble. Um, thanks? And I had nothing to do with Mom this afternoon , I don’t know how she figured out, but it really wasn’t my fault!



With a slight smile, Daria removes the note and enters her room. Sitting down on her bed, she places Quinn’s note on her dresser and removes Tom’s gift from her pocket. Unwrapping the gift reveals two cassette tapes held together with scotch tape. Pulling them apart, a note falls from between the two tapes. Daria picks up the note, reading it briefly before heading back out of the room.

In a poorly lit room, Daria slowly makes her way to a dusty bookshelf. Searching the bookshelf, she removes an "Introductory Latin" textbook from the shelf, wiping layers of dust off of the spine to be sure of the title. Satisfied, she sits down and takes out the note.

Daria : (to herself) Well, I guess the language wouldn’t change too much since Mom was in college …


Leafing through the book, Daria stops at a few pages, reading it carefully as she looks down at Tom’s note. Closing the book, she smiles, and as we fade to the credits, we see Tom’s note, consisting of three words:

Dariam Thomas amat.