The Games We Play
A Daria Fan Fiction by the Alchemist
Episode #507 - Daria
DISCLAIMER – Daria and cast are wholly owned by MTV. I am merely borrowing them for the duration of this work. I try and have them back on time, but I make mistakes sometimes. What? You thought that it was MTV’s fault that they cancel Daria showings at the last minute?
Darkness. Slowly, a blurry picture come into view. A vague blob can be seen moving, and moves towards the camera. As the blob reaches the camera, the picture suddenly comes into focus. We are inside Daria’s room, staring at the ceiling. As the camera pans around, we see Daria laying alone in her bed.
Daria : (thought VO) Oh good. It’s morning already. And I thought I would remain in the blissful world of slumber forever …
Daria slowly gets out of bed, dressed in a t-shirt and shorts. Groggily, she makes her way to the bathroom. Moving into the bathroom, Daria slowly picks up her toothbrush and brushes her teeth. Running the water for a second, she splashes some cold water on her face,
Daria : (thought VO) Same old routine. Wake up, brush teeth, stumble down to be ignored at breakfast. I love my life.
Fade to the Morgendorffer kitchen. Helen and Quinn are in the kitchen as Daria enters. Walking over to the cabinet, Daria rummages around briefly, removing a box of fibre-O’s. Placing it on the table, she continues searching, finally removing a box of sugar flakes. Pouring it into a bowl, she takes a spoon and sits at the table. Still half asleep, Daria begins eating her cereal dry.
Helen : Sweetie? Would you like some milk for that?
Daria : (groggily) No thanks. But if you could postpone school a few hours, I’d appreciate it.
Daria : (thought VO) Mornings. Ugh. (chewing a spoonful of dry cereal) Is the milk really worth it?
Quinn : It’s such a beautiful day today. Did you see all the snow outside?
Daria : Great. Now I get to be cold and wet when I walk to school. My life is complete.
Daria : (thought VO) If only Lawndale could figure out how to plow the streets and sidewalks. Can it really be that hard?
Quinn : Daria! Why can’t you just appreciate the beauty of nature?
Daria : Quinn, did you just use the word beauty with reference to me?
Quinn : Of course not Daria. I would never do that!
Helen : Quinn! You’re both very beautiful.
Daria : (thought VO) Of course, as a mother, that is absolutely meaningless …
Quinn : But mo-om!
Helen : Quinn …
Placing her bowl on the counter, Daria gets up and heads out of the kitchen.
Daria : Not to disturb this warm family moment, but I’m gonna head off to school. Enjoy your quality time together.
Daria : (thought VO) And once again, complete disaster is narrowly averted.
Cut to the hallways of Lawndale High. Daria walks into the scene, heading to her locker and slowly opening it.
Daria : (thought VO) Damn snow. Now I get the fun of wet socks all day. Although I could always steal my gym socks, I suppose … But that’s just so much work.
Daria reaches into her locker, removing an economic textbook and a green notebook. Squatting, she places the books into her backpack and closes the zipper. As she stands, she glances at her watch and looks about the hallway.
Daria : (thought VO) That’s strange. Jane’s usually here by now. (slight concern) I don’t think I did anything to bother her recently. Well, unintentionally. You know, next time I’ll have to re-think this whole boyfriend swapping deal. It’s just so much trouble and all …
Daria turns briefly before going to class when she spots Jane in the distance, jogging towards her. As Daria continues to follow her, she comes up to her locker and quickly begins to exchange her books.
Daria : Mix up those time zones again?
Jane : Laugh it up funny girl. I had an … um … snow related incident.
Daria : Anything broken?
Jane : Trent’s car.
Daria : Accident?
Jane : No, but it’s broken.
Daria : (thought VO) True friendship. When even a simple yes or no is too complicated for an answer.
Daria : Any bodily injury?
Jane : Don’t worry, I’m fine. We’d better get to class, or we could miss the beginning of econ!
Daria : (thought VO) Now that would truly be a loss of epic proportions. Where else would I get my beauty rest?
Daria : Money good, taxes bad. That’s about all you need to know.
Jane : Are you saying that you can embody all of humanity with those two statements?
Daria : Economically. For the general case, you need to add ‘sex good’ to the list.
Jane : And how would you know?
Daria : I’ve heard rumors …
Jane : Sure you have.
Cut to Mrs. Bennett’s class. Daria is seated next to Jane towards the front of the classroom. Rather than the usual X’s and O’s, there are actual economic terms on the blackboard.
Daria : Wait, are we actually learning something real about economics?
Jane : It must be something in the water.
Daria : Wild Turkey?
Jane : But doesn’t that require actual knowledge of the subject?
Daria : Not really. Just a good teacher’s edition.
Bennett : Class? As you should know, we’re starting are unit on monetary policies and their effect on the overall economy. Can anyone give me a concise definition of the available money supply?
As Mrs. Bennett asks, Kevin raises his hand.
Daria : (thought VO) Great. More deep and thoughtful insights from the king of intellect.
Kevin : Isn’t that, like the money in your pocket?
Daria : (thought VO) Well, he’s getting closer. At least he’s in the same solar system this time …
Bennett : Not quite Kevin. Let’s put it another way. If the government were to print an extra $100 and give it to you, how much would the money supply increase by?
Kevin : I don’t get it.
Bennett : How much extra money would be in circulation?
Kevin : Like, none. It’s all mine, isn’t it?
Daria : (thought VO) And once again, the prize goes to boy wonder for bravely aspiring to ever greater depths of stupidity.
Mrs. Bennett sighs and turns to Daria.
Bennett : Daria? If the government were to print and distribute an extra $100, how much would the money supply increase by?
Daria : (thought VO) Time to shut her up by demonstrating my amazing ability to read the chapters assigned.
Daria : Well, let’s see. If we assume a net tax rate of twenty-five percent, a marginal propensity to spend of ninety percent, and consider a balanced rate of imports and exports, the original one hundred should result in, oh (thinking for a moment) one hundred fifty five and, um, seventy seven cents?
Mrs. Bennett looks at Daria with a surprised expression for a moment, then turns back to her notes.
Bennett : Um, yes, I think that’s about right …
Mrs. Bennett walks back behind her desk, and begins looking through her bottom desk drawer.
Daria : (thought VO) You’d think she’d at least notice the exact same numbers from the text. Of course, you’d think that one of our classmates would have noticed as well.
Daria hazards a glance at Jodie, who has a ‘hey, I’m supposed to be the teacher’s pet’ expression on her face. Smirking, Daria turns back to the front of the class.
Daria : (thought VO) Hey, a little conformity every now and then always keeps them confused, so they never quite know what you’re up to. (Bt) Almost makes me wish that I was up to something …
Mrs. Bennett stands up with a notebook and a box from her desk. Placing the box on her desk, she opens up the notebook and begins reading.
Bennett : Class? Today and tomorrow we’re going to be playing a game. The purpose of the game is to help you to understand monetary systems and security and commodity exchanges by simulating these systems in the classroom.
Daria : (thought VO) Oh goodie. Yet another pointless waste of my time without the slightest hope of actual education. Just like school.
Daria : (to Jane) Do you think that they use real gas in the ovens for when we fail?
Jane : (imitating Ms. Li) Ms. Morgendorffer! Do you have any idea how much gas costs? There are far more economical ways of suicide that are much cheaper for this administration …
Daria laughs softly.
Daria : Unfortunately, its not all that far-fetched. (to Mrs. Bennett) Why exactly are we playing this game now? Shouldn’t we cover the stock exchange in class first?
Bennett : Well, Ms. Li has declared this to be game week, for examining the potential of games to effectively teach scholastic concepts.
Daria : (thought VO) Sounds like a bunch of wishful thinking designed to avoid spending money on decent texts …
Jane : Now this wouldn’t have anything to do with the big conference on new and innovative educational initiatives announced this weekend, would it?
Daria : (thought VO) Now how did she know that? And why didn’t I think of it. Hmm … I don’t see any reporters or anything. Doesn’t seem to be much unusual going on. Well, given the situation, at least. And honor isn’t any good if no-one knows about it …
Bennett : Daria? Is something wrong?
Daria : (thought VO) Uh-oh. Busted. Think quickly, Morgendorffer.
As Mrs. Bennett looks on in concern, Daria slowly raises her head to look her in the eye.
Daria : How much is the grant?
Daria : (thought VO) Well, it was worth a try anyway.
Just as Daria is about to say something, she notices a hint of concern in Mrs. Bennet’s face as she turns away.
Daria : (thought VO) Gotcha!
Bennett : That’s none of your business …
Daria : (to Jane) And once again, the great Ms. Li demonstrates the principles on which a free market economy is based.
Jane : Oh, I’m sure that there’s a point to all this.
Daria : Metal detectors for the door?
Jane : Does that mean I can’t bring my art knives without being harassed?
Daria : Jane, I don’t think that an 8" fixed blade knife counts as an art supply.
Jane : Depends how you use it … You know, I don’t think that I like all this security stuff after all.
Daria : (shaking head) Jane, Jane. I think you mean to say that security is double-plus ungood, right?
Bennett : (turning around) OK class, here’s the game. Each of you will receive a fixed sum of money and a selection of securities. The goal is to end the game at the conclusion of tomorrow’s class with the greatest amount of money. Information about the performance of the individual securities will be given at sporadic intervals through selected persons, and a computer will generate book prices at the end of class.
Daria : (thought VO) Training day traders to loose money while still in high school. What a wonderful concept. Of course, securities markets are all about psychology … Hmmm …
Bennett : At the finish of class, any securities held will be valued at their book prices. Any questions?
Brittany : Um, what’s a security?
Cut to the hallways of Lawndale High. Daria and Jane are heading towards their next class as they discuss Mrs. Bennett’s class.
Jane : So it looks like we’re in for a full day of games?
Daria : So much for catching up on my sleep.
Jane : Oh, you never know. We have O’Neil next. Maybe we’ll play the silence game!
Daria : If you’ll remember, that didn’t go over very well with Ms. Li …
Jane : That’s only because you refused to talk to her.
Daria : What, you want me to become a loser?
Jane : Become?
Daria : Thanks for the friendly support.
Jane : You want support, get a wonderbra.
Daria : Like anyone would notice.
Jane : I’m sure Tom would be appreciative …
Daria : (thought VO) Does she know something, or is she just teasing me?
Daria : Is this the voice of experience?
Jane : (shooting Daria a glare) The depths of my experience go far beyond your limited comprehension, mere mortal …
Daria : Well, now that the insanity has set in, it’s time for class.
Fade to Mr. O’Neil’s classroom. Daria, Jodie, and Brittany are sitting in three seats located in front of the usual front row. On the blackboard behind them are a number of papers taped to the board with ascending numerical values. Mr. O’Neil stands behind the desk, preparing to address the class.
Daria : (thought VO) I am sitting at the front of the class. I appear to be a participant in some form of twisted game once again. Life is hell.
O’Neil : Ok class, now that you’re all here
Jane : I’m not!
O’Neil : What?
Jane : I’m not here.
O’Neil : Then where are you?
Jane : Whoa. That’s way too deep for your classroom …
O’Neil : (warily) Um, Ok … Well, getting back to class … Today we’re playing literary jeopardy. Can anyone imagine anything more exciting?
Daria : (thought VO) Watching linoleum curl?
O’Neil : Anyway, each student will be in a group of three for a ten minute session, or until the questions run out. The winner will get a free Snickers bar.
Jane : King size?
O’Neil : Um, no. The school can’t afford it.
Daria : (thought VO) And yet, they can somehow afford to modernize the closed circuit monitoring system every year …
Jane : Too bad. I’m just not motivated by a mere regular Snickers …
O’Neil : Actually, they’re snack size.
Daria : In that case, bring on the questions.
Mr. O’Neil looks concerned, but reaches into his desk to remove a few bundles from his desk.
O’Neil : OK, who would like to start. Brittany?
Brittany : Um, OK?
Mr. O’Neil looks at Brittany expectantly for a long moment.
O’Neil : Um, Brittany? You have to choose a category first.
Brittany : Oh. Um, I’ll take Hysterical Geeks for, um, 100?
O’Neil : Uh, Brittany? That’s Historical Greeks.
Brittany : Oh, (twirling hair) Ok.
Mr. O’Neil removes a card and reads the answer.
O’Neil : This Greek hero made war in Troy, where he was killed by an arrow to the heel.
Brittany : (ringing in) True!
O’Neil : Um, Brittany, this isn’t a true/false question.
Brittany : False?
Mr. O’Neil sighs as Brittany’s time runs out, and Daria chimes in.
Daria : Who was Achilles?
O’Neil : Very good Daria. Would you like to choose the next category?
Daria : (thought VO) Not really.
Daria : How about Dystopian Worldviews for 100?
O’Neil : Oh. Um, this author portrayed a dim, authoritarian future in his book named for the temperature at which paper burns.
Jodie : (chiming in) Who is Ray Bradbury?
O’Neil : Very good Jodie!
Cut to a few minutes later. Jodie, Daria, and Brittany are still in the front of the room. We see that Daria and Jodie are tied at 1500, with Brittany scoreless.
O’Neil : Daria, would you like to choose the final question?
Daria : I’ll take Historical Greeks for 500.
O’Neil : What famous Greek was the son of Zeus, and later went on to become a god himself?
Daria : (ringing in) Heracles.
O’Neil : Oh, I’m sorry Daria, that isn’t correct. Jodie?
Jodie : Hercules.
O’Neil : Well, that concludes the first game …
Daria : (interrupting) Excuse me, but I think you’ll find that Hercules is the Roman name for the son of Jupiter. The Greek name is Heracles, or ‘glory of Hera’.
O’Neil : Um, well, we don’t actually have a book here …
Daria : Tell you what. Let me go to the library to check on it.
O’Neil : Well, I guess that’s OK …
Jane : Do you really want the candy that badly?
Daria : (to Jane) Hell no. I just saw a chance to get the hell out of here for a while. Ciao.
Daria leaves the room, leaving Jane slightly bemused and slightly annoyed.
Cut to the hallway. Daria is walking down the hall when Quinn walks by her. Turning, Daria yells to Quinn.
Daria : Quinn? What are you doing here? (noticing that Quinn’s shirt is wet) Wet T-shirt contest?
Quinn : Daria! I was using the bathroom …
Daria : Sure you were.
Quinn : If you must know, my shirt got dirty, and I needed to get it cleaned up before it stained …
Daria : What pure, selfless motivations.
Quinn : (probing) And what exactly are you doing here?
Daria : I’m going to the library. (Quinn rolls her eyes) You know, to get a book …
Quinn : That’s just disgusting!
Daria : (thought VO) Well someone appears to have retrogressed just a bit. What a shame.
Daria : You know Quinn, it’s really not that bad. (teasing) Eventually, you even get to like it …
Quinn turns and stares at Daria for a while, then grimaces.
Quinn : Ewwww! Dar … Ewww!
Quinn turns quickly and storms off. Daria looks on in amusement.
Daria : It’s been a while since I’ve had that sort of effect on Quinn. (Bt) I must be doing something right …
Daria heads off to the library, a slight smirk on her face,
Cut to Mr. DeMartino’s classroom. Mr. DeMartino is at the front of the classroom, corralling the students into a confused group rather than allowing them to take their usual seats. Daria and Jane walk into the classroom, and both turn and look at the group with a little confusion. Seeing this, Mr. DeMartino walks over to the two.
DeMartino : Daria, Jane. If you would care to join us, the ENTIRE class will be LEAVING for the COMPUTER lab.
Jane : (to Daria) And if we don’t?
Daria : (to Jane) Room 101. (to DeMartino) Excuse me, but what are we going to be doing at the computer lab?
DeMartino : As you are no doubt AWARE, Ms. Li has DECIDED to replace the usual CLASSROOM ACTIVITIES with GAMES. Given that this IS HISTORY, and that WAR, conflict, and ambition are such MAJOR motivators, we are going to give you STUdents the opportunity to ATTEMPT to follow in the footsteps of OTHERS and LEARN something about creating an EMPIRE.
Daria : We’re planning an invasion of France?
DeMartino : (laughing slightly) An AMUSING concept Ms. Morgendorffer, but regrettably, Ms. Li wouldn’t release sufficient funds from the school budget. So instead, you get to TEST yourself against a COMPUTER.
Jane : A computer?
DeMartino : You will be testing yourself against the abilities of Civilization II.
Daria : The triumph of artificial intelligence over natural stupidity?
Jane : I’ll start the betting pool.
Cut to the computer lab. It is a predominantly off-white color, with flimsy looking tables arranged along the outside walls. On each table are two somewhat dated computers, and a random distribution of free mouse pads alongside.
Daria : Another archaeological expedition?
Jane : Nope. Same old lab.
Daria : Like I said …
DeMartino : Ok class, for the next two days we will be meeting down here. You will be divided into groups, so that you will not only be working against the computer, but your classmates as well.
Daria : (to Jane) Why am I not concerned?
DeMartino : We will be playing a game called Civilization II. I know that the CONCEPT of civilization may be BEYOND you, but REST assured that this will not PREVENT you from PARTICIPATING.
Daria : (thought VO) But a room temperature IQ might.
DeMartino : Each group will have three students, and the remainder will be comprised of computer players. Your goal is to win. Any victory is acceptable. You will be graded both on your overall performance as well as the performance relative to your classmates.
Daria : (thought VO) Well, so much for the challenge…
DeMartino : Ok, I have divided the class into teams. The first team is comprised of Daria Morgendorffer, Jodie Landon, and Brittany Taylor.
Brittany : But how can I be on the team? I’m a cheerleader!
DeMartino : (frustrated) Just take a seat Brittany. (Bt) The second team is comprised of Jane Lane, Kevin Thompson, and Charles Ruttheimer.
Upchuck : Ms. Lane, if I may be so bold …
Jane turns and stares at Charles with an icy glare. Charles stops in mid sentence, and turns back to find a computer.
As Mr. DeMartino continues to distribute the rest of the class into teams, the students spread out and choose a computer. Daria pulls up a seat and logs on to the computer as Jane sits alongside.
Jane : Well this is a royal waste of time …
Daria : Actually, the game itself isn’t half bad. And you get the chance to utterly annihilate Upchuck.
Jane : After he tried so hard to get us together?
Daria simply turns to Jane, remaining absolutely silent.
Jane : Hey, take a joke Daria! (Bt) So, any suggestions for the game?
Daria : Why Jane, is that a plea for help?
Jane : Well, my grade could use a little help, now that you mention it …
Daria : (thinking) Um … expand quickly, keep a good defense, and don’t listen to anything Kevin says.
Jane : That last one goes without saying.
Daria : You’ll get the hang of it.
Jane : So, would you be up for some pizza after school?
Daria : (thought VO) Uh-oh. She would have to ask today …
Daria : Um, Jane? I’m meeting Tom after school today.
Jane : (warily) Isn’t it awfully early for your usual date?
Daria : Well, uh, he’s taking me to dinner, then we’re meeting his friends at the bowling alley.
Jane turns and stifles a laugh. Daria looks at Jane in surprise.
Daria : Ok, out with it. What’s so funny.
Jane : Oh, nothing.
Daria : Is there something wrong with Tom’s friends?
Jane : There’s nothing … bad per se. They’re an … interesting bunch.
Daria : (warily) OK …
Jane : Come on now.
Jane looks at Daria, pondering the situation for a moment.
Jane : Daria! Are you worried?
Daria : Um, no. I’m fine.
Jane : Oh, you are! That’s so cute!
Daria : Go to hell Jane.
Jane : Come on Daria! There’s nothing wrong with being cute …
Daria : And if I said that you looked cute right now?
Jane : (smirking) I’d deck you.
Daria : Women.
Fade to the Morgendorffer Residence, Daria’s room. Daria is visible as a silhouette, pulling a shirt on over her head. As the camera moves in, we see Daria dressed in a pair of black jeans and a maroon short-sleeved shirt.
Daria : (thought VO, looking herself over) Not too bad, I suppose. Now why am I so concerned over meeting his friends anyway? It’s not like I’m dating them. (Daria looks up for a moment) Whoa, deja-vu!
Daria heads downstairs into the living room, where Quinn is sitting on the couch reading a book.
Daria : (thought VO) I’m heading out on a date, and Quinn’s reading a book. If someone had suggested that a year ago …
Quinn : Daria? (looking at Daria) Wow! (slyly) Hot date?
Daria : Oh, about 310 degrees or so …
As Quinn looks at Daria, we can see her thinking about Daria’s flippant comment.
Quinn : Um, Kelvin, right?
Daria : (shaking head) Since when does my sister know something like that?
Quinn : Hey! (composing herself) Weren’t you always trying to get me to think, read, and use my brain?
Daria : (thought VO) Well, this is unexpected. Quinn sticking up for her brain?
Daria : Um …
Quinn : So why do you keep putting me down whenever I actually know anything?
Daria : (thought VO) Because I’m an obnoxious intellectual defending her turf?
Daria : Quinn, I’m your sister. I’m supposed to tease you. Builds character.
Quinn : Now you sound like mom.
Daria : (faux angry) You take that back!
Quinn : (bemused) Hey, I’m supposed to tease you. I’m your sister …
Daria regards Quinn with an amused expression.
Daria : Turnabout is fair play, unless it’s being done to you.
Quinn : Do unto others as you would have others do unto you?
Daria : (heading over to the closet) But do unto others first …
Daria opens the closet, removing her blue coat. As she puts it on, she pushes the closet door shut with her boot.
Quinn : Hey, have a good time on your date tonight.
Daria : Um, thanks Quinn.
Daria : (thought VO) Have I just been having a pleasant conversation with Quinn? What’s this world coming to? (same voice, with a slightly more sarcastic tone) A long, drawn out heat death. (original voice tone) Oh, just shut up. (heading out the door) Is it a bad sign when you’ve been sarcastic so long that you even respond to your thoughts with witty comebacks?
Fade to the interior of a diner, where Daria and Tom are sharing a booth.
Daria : So now we have this silly game week, where we basically play all day so that Ms. Li can try for some big educational grant.
Tom : Aren’t you usually opposed to becoming a corporate tool?
Daria : Not if it means less work for me.
Tom : Ah, the power of enlightened self-interest …
Daria : (thought VO) What else is there?
Daria : Oh, (deadpan) and I also relish the chance to improve Lawndale’s educational system.
Daria : (thought VO) Unfortunately, all the teachers are tenured.
Tom : But aren’t all the teachers tenured?
Daria looks at Tom for a moment.
Daria : (thought VO) Now THAT was just weird.
Tom : Daria?
Daria : That’s my name. (smirk) Ask me again, and I’ll tell you the same.
Tom : Someone’s in a good mood tonight …
Daria blushes slightly as the scene fades out.
Fade to the exterior of a bowling alley. Daria and Tom are standing at the door. Tom leans over and kisses Daria, who appears more than a little nervous.
Tom : Daria? Are you ready?
Daria : I’m just, um, a little nervous. (Bt) I’m not really a people person.
Tom : Relax. I’m not entirely sure that these three count as people anyway.
Daria : Wow, you’re really nice to your friends.
Tom : You should see how I treat my enemies.
Daria : You mean I didn’t? Even when you and Jane had, um, just met?
Tom : (treading lightly) Um, actually, I kind of liked you then too. I mean, um, anyone who can care that much about someone else can’t be all bad. (uncertainly) I’d never known that kind of a relationship. I suppose I was, uh, jealous.
Daria looks at Tom with a surprised expression.
Daria : (thought VO) Danger! Danger! Emotions!
Daria : I’m, um, not sure what to say …
Daria leans over and gives Tom a hug.
Tom : Thanks. For everything. (awkward pause) Now that things are already weird, shall we meet the friends?
Daria : Uh, Ok.
Daria and Tom walk through the door and into the bowling alley. After paying and renting shoes, Tom looks around, and seeing two guys at an alley, takes Daria’s hand and heads over. As he approaches, the two boys come into view. The first boy is only slightly taller than Daria, with long, unkempt brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. He is dressed in clean but slightly shabby clothing, and has a slightly nervous aire to him. His companion is a tall boy, with jet black hair and a moderate build. He is much more well-kept than the first boy, and has a much more relaxed attitude to him.
The second boy comes up to Tom and Daria, and offers his hand to Daria.
Boy 2 : Either you’re Daria, or Tom has something important to tell us. I’m Dan, by the way.
Daria takes his hand and shakes it.
Daria : Dan. Nice to meet you. I’m Daria, as you already guessed. (Bt) And this is Tom.
Dan : Oh, THIS is Tom? Now I’m confused …
Daria : Suddenly, things are much clearer. (to the first boy) Am I allowed to ask your name?
Boy 1 : No.
Tom : Oh, come on Jim. Play nice.
Daria : Well, now that we’ve got that name thing figured out, are you planning on joining us over here?
Jim : (nervously) Um, Ok.
Tom leans over to whisper in Daria’s ear as Jim comes over.
Tom : Jim’s a little, um, paranoid. He’s sort of a closet conspiracy freak …
Daria : (thought VO) Hmmm … Playful mode ON
Daria : (reaching into her jacket pocket to take out a notepad) Ok, Jim, you said?
Jim : (nervously) Yeah …
Daria : Seems I’ve heard that name somewhere before. (looking down at her notepad) Hmmm. I see that you have a hotmail account?
Jim : How did … I’ve, uh …
Daria : Just answer the question sir.
Before Jim can respond, both Tom and Dan break down and start laughing. Jim looks at them, then back at Daria, considering the situation.
Jim : Funny. Very funny. Some day, you’ll realize that I was right all along …
Tom and Dan keep laughing as Jim begins to look slightly embarrassed. Daria leans over and whispers in Jim’s ear.
Daria : (whispering) Pretend that I’ve just told you a great way to get back at those two. I’ll play along.
Jim : You know, that just might work.
Daria : Of course it’ll work. Don’t you trust me?
Jim : No.
Daria : Details. Do you have a better plan?
Jim : No, I don’t.
Tom and Dan notice Daria and Jim, and slowly stop laughing.
Tom : Planning something?
Daria : That’s for us to know and you to find out.
Dan : Right. Jim’s never been any good at plotting anything.
Tom : (turning to Dan) True, but Daria is.
Dan : Oh. Um …
Tom : (changing the subject) Uh, guys? Where’s Chris?
Jim : You know Chris. Bathroom.
Tom : (pointing over Jim’s shoulder) Speak of the devil …
The camera pans around to follow Tom’s gesture. Coming towards the group is a tall girl with short dirty-blonde hair. She is dressed modestly in jeans and a simple shirt, and approaches with a confident stride. Walking up to Daria, she looks her over before saying anything. Daria shifts slightly, uncomfortable with the situation.
Daria : (thought VO) He didn’t say she was a girl. (Bt) And a pretty girl as well.
Chris : So you’re Tom’s new sex toy …
Daria : (thought VO) What! Has Tom been spreading rumors? Oh hell …
In the background, Dan and Jim can be heard stifling a laugh. Daria darts her eyes slightly, showing Tom with a look of concern on his face. Returning her gaze to Chris, we see a small smile forming on her face.
Daria : (thought VO) Why do I get the feeling that I’m being played with here? Hmmm …
Daria : Well, he got tired of you. Something about too many miles on the old model … and an outrageous lease price.
Dan and Jim turn to look at each other, their faces displaying astonishment. Tom continues to stare, his eyes going wide.
Jim : (in the background) Looks like a showdown at Al’s Bowl-a-rama …
Chris : (thinking quickly) Now that’s no way to treat a working girl! I’m sure I could teach a novice like you a thing or two …
Daria : Don’t worry. Tom saved all the tapes. Although the riding crop seemed a bit much to me …
Daria : (thought VO) Must keep straight face. Must not show weakness. Pretend you’re being grilled by Mom. Or Jane, for that matter.
Chris : Yeah, kiss my ass.
Daria : No thanks. I know where it’s been.
Chris looks at Daria again, this time with a bemused expression.
Chris : I think I like you, kid. You want a soda?
Daria : A soda AND rented shoes? My dreams are finally coming true.
Chris : I’ll take that as a yes.
As Chris heads off towards the snack bar, Tom, Jim, and Dan come up to Daria, looking at her with a mixture of respect and amazement.
Daria : What?
Jim : How did you …
Dan : She just never …
Tom : Chris never likes anyone, especially at first. I think the most anyone’s ever gotten from her is an "you’ve got potential".
Daria : So, this is a good thing, right?
Tom : I think that’s safe to say. (to Dan and Jim) Guys? Could you set up the game?
Dan and Jim look at Tom, knowing his true motivations, but leave without teasing him.
Tom : Um, I just wanted to let you know …
Daria : I know that you didn’t say anything to Chris or your friends. At least not THAT.
Tom : Uh, good. I wouldn’t want you to think that we’ve, um …
Daria : (teasing) Oh, you haven’t?
Tom : Daria, she’d kill me in a week.
Daria : Yeah, I guess that would be a problem. Unless you were a spider … (Bt) Um, Tom? How did you ever get to speaking terms with her?
Tom : (sighing) That’s a long story. I’ll tell you later, OK?
Daria : Well, I suppose …
Jim : (VO) Hey guys! It’s your turn!
Fade to later that night. All five are seated around a table, with a pitcher of soda and a plate of nachos in the center.
Jim : Well, that was fun. Once we got going, that is …
Chris : Although we probably should have warned you about that bowling ball …
Daria : Hey, so the thumb hole sticks. I still threw a strike. It was just on the wrong lane, that’s all.
Tom : A minor detail …
Dan : Ah, the gallant Tom stepping to the defense of the fair Daria.
Tom : Well, that’s the type of thing a boyfriend is supposed to do …
Chris : Not that Dan would know …
Daria : Are you telling me that Tom is the sociable member of this jolly little group?
Chris : Sad, ain’t it?
Daria : What about you?
Jim : (chuckling) Chris has what you might call an abrasive personality.
Dan : She makes sandpaper look like silk.
Chris : That’s it. I don’t like any of you anymore.
Tom : Big loss …
Daria : (shaking her head) How did any of you manage to become friends?
Chris : You mean Tom hasn’t told you? It’s an amusing story …
Dissolve to the interior of a school hallway, lined with lockers. As the bell rings, students begin to fill the hallway. Most of the students are dressed in very formal attire, and have an arrogant ambiance. As the hall continues to fill, we see Tom, dressed as usual, heading for his locker. Reaching his locker, he opens it when a heavyset student approaches the locker next to his and opens it.
Student : Let me guess, you’re a study in casual dress.
Tom : Very funny. I wear what I like, and that monkey suit isn’t it.
Student : (confrontational) Big words from a little man, Sloane.
Tom : Well, I can’t possibly eat enough to become a big man like you …
Student : You just watch yourself Sloane.
The heavyset student heads off into the hallways as Jim walks up to Tom’s locker.
Jim : Hey Tom. Mr. Happy after you again?
Tom : He’s all talk.
Jim : You sure about that?
Tom : Yeah. Blood is horrible to wash out of dress clothes.
The camera pans out as the two of them talk to reveal Chris watching from a distance. Glancing down at a sheet of paper, she shrugs and heads to a locker very near Tom’s. As she does, Tom and Jim notice her walking up, and turn to her.
Tom : (looking at Chris) I haven’t seen you around. Are you new here?
Chris ignores Tom, proceeding to take her books out of her locker.
Tom : Do you at least have a name?
Chris turns to Tom, looking him square in the eye.
Chris : Get lost.
Tom : Get lost? That’s not a very nice name. So unfriendly …
Chris glares at Tom, then turns and walks away without saying a word.
Jim : I think she likes you man …
Tom : At least she hasn’t said anything mean about us yet …
Jim : Tom, she said two words to us.
Tom : You see what you like, I’ll see what I like.
Fade to the library. Chris is sitting at a table alone, reading a textbook. Tom and Jim are sitting a ways across the library, working on homework. As they do, a tall, handsome boy approaches Chris’ table. Tom and Jim exchange a look.
Tom : Looks like Rico Suave is at it again …
Suave : Hey baby. You wanna come for a ride in my Jag after school? Real leather seats …
Chris : Somehow, skinning a cow for your benefit seems like a poor trade.
Suave : Not so fast now. You’ll be amazed at what I can do for you …
Chris : Then why don’t you suck my dick?
Suave : (confused) Um, you don’t have one.
Chris : What a brilliant observation. Why don’t you think about it some more? Somewhere far away from me.
The boy looks at Chris, vacillating as to whether or not to try again. Apparently deciding not to bother, he sulks silently away from her table. The camera pans back to Tom and Jim.
Tom : Ouch.
Jim : Yeah, ouch. You think she prefers girls?
Chris : (VO) Get the hell away from me, you whiney bitch!
Tom : You know, it doesn’t seem like she likes much of anyone …
Fade to the cafeteria. Tom and Jim are carrying trays of food, looking for an empty table. As they search, they spot a table with Chris sitting at the end, with the other students giving her a wide berth. Tom heads over, prompting Jim to shake his head.
Jim : Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war!
Tom : Oh, shut up and come on.
Tom and Jim approach the table, and wait for a moment. Chris completely ignores them.
Tom : Are these seats taken?
Chris : Give it up. I won’t go out with you either.
Tom : That’s fine. I still need a place to eat.
Chris shrugs and returns to her meal. Tom gives Jim a ‘what the hell’ look, and sits down across from her. Jim takes a seat next to Tom, keeping Tom between himself and Chris.
Tom : (between bites) So Get Lost, you have a nickname that you prefer?
Chris : No.
Tom : So, you’re OK with Get Lost?
Chris : (without looking at Tom) Suck my dick.
Tom : Drop your pants.
Chris puts down her fork and turns to look at Tom. Slowly, she picks up her tray and stands up.
Chris : (glancing at Tom as she leaves) You may have potential …
Jim : That went well.
Tom : Hey, it took us a whole minute to scare her away.
Jim : Right. You’ll have her eating from your hand in no time.
Tom : Why do I hang out with you?
Jim : Lack of other applicants?
Tom : God, we’re pathetic.
Jim : Yep.
Fade to the outside of Tom’s locker. Tom takes his books and zips his backpack when a loud bang is heard offscreen. As Tom looks over, we see the same guy from earlier in the library hitting on an angry Chris.
Suave : Come on beautiful. I promise you won’t regret it.
Chris : Haven’t you ever heard that no means no?
Suave : Baby, I can’t let you walk away and make the biggest mistake of your life.
Chris : Try and stop me.
Chris turns and starts to walk off when the guy places his hand on her shoulder. As soon as he touches her shoulder, Chris spins and punches him in the stomach. Unfortunately, at that moment, a teacher rounds the corner and witnesses the whole incident.
Teacher : (loudly) Stop that! (grabbing Chris by the arm) You’re going to see the principal, young lady.
As a crowd gathers to watch the spectacle, Tom forces his way through the crowd and gets in front of the teacher.
Teacher : Mr. Sloane. Kindly get out of my way.
Tom : Mr. Spalding, I watched the whole incident, and she was merely defending herself from an unwanted sexual advance.
Spalding : Is this true, young lady?
Chris nods her head.
Spalding : Well, we still need to see the principal, but if what Mr. Sloane says is true, you shouldn’t be in much trouble at all.
As Mr. Spalding leads both of them down the hallway, Chris turns to Tom.
Chris : Chris.
Tom smiles as the scene dissolves back to the bowling alley.
Daria : Aww, how sweet.
Tom : Now don’t you start …
Cut to the Sloane residence. Daria and Tom are on the couch, watching Sneakers on TV.
Daria : It’s awfully quiet around here.
Tom : My family’s at some formal function or something. I had a hard time getting out of it myself.
Daria : (teasing) Aww, poor baby.
Tom : So …
Daria : I had a nice time tonight. You have a very weird bunch of friends.
Tom : Um, yeah.
Daria : (moving her hand down to his knee and gently making circles) Lets just say that things make a lot more sense now. (hardening her face) For one, why you actually tolerated me. You’ve had experience.
Tom : Um …
Daria : (leaning over and kissing Tom) You know, you’re cute when you’re worried …
Tom : Daria? Did you get into the liquor cabinet or something?
Daria : Nope. I’ve just been having a good day …
Daria leans against Tom, relaxing and watching the movie. After a few minutes, Daria lifts herself slightly and turns her head towards Tom.
Daria : (softly) Too many secrets.
Daria watches, but Tom makes no apparent response. Studying him further, she sits up slightly and looks from the side at his face.
Daria : (thought VO) Looks like someone’s in another world right now. And he didn’t even invite me. How rude. Hmmm …
Daria takes her hand and begins gently tickling Tom’s knee and thigh. Tom shifts slightly, but remains detached.
Daria : (thought VO) Wow. (looking at Tom again) Well, he’s not asleep …
As Daria continues to stare at Tom, an evil smirk falls across her face.
Daria : (thought VO) Well, desperate times call for desperate measures …
As the camera slowly pans up towards Tom’s face, we see Daria’s arm moving slowly to a more ‘strategic’ location. Daria’s arm can be seen gently moving as she watches Tom with a mischievous expression. Suddenly, Tom awakes with a start and looks at Daria in confusion.
Tom : Um, Daria?
Daria : (pretending that nothing unusual is going on) Yes?
Tom : Um, your hand …
Daria : Well, if you don’t like it, I’ll stop.
Daria raises her hand and leans against the arm of the couch, away from Tom. Tom looks at her in confusion, trying to figure out what exactly is going on.
Tom : That’s, um, (tentatively) not what I meant. I just, uh, wasn’t expecting it …
Daria : Why Tom. You’re such a romantic soul.
Tom : You’re loving this, aren’t you.
Daria : Aren’t you?
Tom : Well, um, yes …
Daria : So why are you complaining?
Tom : I’m just … (abashed) Afraid.
Daria : (uncertain) Afraid?
Tom : (embarrassed) Well, um, (resigned) I like you.
Daria : Well, I hope so …
Tom : No, I mean I really like you. And I’m, um, afraid that I’ll do something to screw it all up …
Daria : (taking Tom’s hand) Tom, I’m a big girl. If you do something I’m uncomfortable with, I’ll tell you to stop.
Tom : You won’t be angry with me?
Daria : Would you be angry with me? Were you angry earlier?
Tom : Well, no. But, um …
Daria : Yes?
Tom : You’re not likely to do much I would be uncomfortable with …
Daria : (shaking her head) Men. (Bt) Can’t live with ‘em, and its illegal to shoot them.
Tom : Thanks …
Daria : Back to the movie?
Tom : Sounds good to me.
As Daria and Tom sit back to watch the movie, Tom’s hand moves tentatively down to Daria’s knee. It sits there nervously for a few moments as Daria watches in amusement.
Daria : Tom, the hand is Ok. Just relax a little.
Daria smiles at an uncertain Tom as the scene fades out.
Fade in to the same scene later that night. Daria and Tom are on the couch (fully clothed), with Daria leaning against the couch arm and Tom’s head resting on her stomach. Both are clearly asleep, and the TV is showing the blue control screen of the VCR. Tom’s mother enters the room, stopping to look at them with interest. As she watches, Elsie enters the room and spies the two. Before her mother can say anything, Elsie shouts at her brother.
Elsie : Go Tom! Sleeping with your girlfriend in front of your mother …
Daria groggily wakes up, reaching her free hand up to rub her eyes. Pushing her glasses back down, she notices Elsie and Katherine.
Daria : (thought VO) Oh shit! Oh hell! What do I do now?
Daria : (elbowing Tom) Mrs. Sloane! Its not what you think!
Tom : Huh? (looking around, worried tone) Mom?
Katherine : Don’t worry Daria, I know. Elsie, please go upstairs now.
Elsie : But mom!
Katherine : Now Elsie.
Elsie : Fine.
Daria : (thought VO) I’m still alive. And I haven’t been accused of anything yet. Not bad so far.
Elsie walks off pouting, leaving the room. In the background, she can be heard walking up the staircase.
Tom : Mom, I can explain!
Katherine : Tom, I believe you. But isn’t it time for Daria to head home now? Her mother’s probably worried.
Daria : (thought VO) Oh my God! That’s right. (sardonically) If I was ever glad that Quinn flaunted the rules, now would be the time …
Tom : Um, Mom? Could you give us a minute?
Katherine : Sure Tom. But don’t be too long, Ok?
Katherine leaves the room, leaving an awkward looking Tom and Daria.
Tom : Um, I’m sorry.
Daria : Tom, we fell asleep. That’s not exactly your fault.
Tom : I just got caught sleeping with my girlfriend on the couch by my Mother and sister. Can you think of something better to say?
Daria : Well, when you put it that way, apology accepted.
Daria leans over and gives Tom a brief kiss, then removes her jacket from the closet.
Daria : I really should be going. I have to brave a lawyer before I sleep tonight.
Tom : You have my condolences.
Daria : I’d prefer a bottle of chloroform.
Daria turns and heads out of the house.
Cut to the front of the Morgendorffer residence. Daria is standing at the door, staring at the door handle.
Daria : (thought VO) Now or never Daria. Remember, she can’t kill you. At least, I don’t think she can …
Turning the doorknob, Daria enters the Morgendorffer household and walks into the living room where an expectant Helen is waiting. Daria walks over to the closet and hangs up her coat as Helen looks up to address her.
Helen : Young lady, do you know what time it is?
Daria : I’m sorry. I fell asleep.
Helen : (leading) With Tom?
Daria : (resigned) Yes, with Tom.
Helen : So your excuse for being late is that you were sleeping with your boyfriend? Even Quinn never tried that line on me.
Daria : Mom, you don’t need to worry. Nothing happened. If you’re really worried, call Mrs. Sloane. She and Elsie found us asleep on the couch in the first place.
Helen : And if I decide to call her?
Daria : (yawning) Then I’d recommend doing it in the morning. (Bt) Mom? Could you just punish me in the morning? It’s late, I’m tired, and I have to get up for school tomorrow.
Helen : Fine. But you’re giving me all night to think of an appropriate punishment you know.
Daria : Then I will see you tomorrow morning. Good night.
Cut to the next day at Daria’s locker at Lawndale High. Daria and Jane walk up to the lockers together.
Jane : So how was the big date last night?
Daria : Oh, it went pretty well.
Jane : (surprised) It did?
Daria : (thought VO) Why shouldn’t it? Oh, Chris.
Daria : Yup. We caught up with his friends and bowled a few games. They’re an interesting bunch.
Jane : So, it all went fine with them? No problems?
Daria : Why Jane, is there something you’d like to ask?
Jane : (conciliatory) Was Chris there?
Daria : Yup.
Jane : And?
Daria : She said she liked me.
Jane : Liar.
Daria : Ask Tom yourself. (Bt) How did you two hit it off?
Jane : Tom had to restrain me, and Chris was laughing the whole time.
Daria : And why didn’t I hear about this earlier?
Jane : No desire to be teased?
Daria : I guess I can accept that.
Jane : So, after bowling did you two explore bold new frontiers?
Daria : (thought VO) Crap. How did she know? (Bt) Wait a minute, she couldn’t possibly know …
Daria : Jane, we watched movies. On the couch.
Jane : You wild woman you.
Daria : Hey, you know me. So how was your night?
Jane : Not bad. I went out with Trent to the Zon, sat around, the usual.
Daria : (thought VO) Now why do I feel guilty? Damn conscience!
Daria : Is that it?
Jane : Well, no. But that’s all you’re going to get now.
Daria : Jane!
Jane : (playful) Nope.
Cut to Mrs. Bennett’s room. The students are milling about, buying and selling the ‘securities’. Jane seems to be participating reluctantly, whereas Daria has a huge group of students around her desk.
Daria : Now who would like to buy some (looking at the certificate) publishing limited? Moving it out at a low price.
Jodie : And why is that?
Daria : I would like to re-balance my portfolio, and need some cash.
Upchuck : Fairest Daria, I would love the opportunity to purchase some of your stock.
Daria : Sure thing, Upchuck.
Daria completes the transaction with Upchuck, and continues to work through the line until she is out of stock.
Daria : OK, I’m all out. Find someone else to buy from.
As the crowd spreads out, Daria heads over to an unidentified male student.
Daria : (whispering to him) OK, here’s the $2000. That should cover it.
Student : Thanks.
Daria returns to her desk, and begins to look through her holdings. As she does, Mrs. Bennett can be heard in the background.
Bennett : OK class, five more minutes.
The announcement sends the class into a bit of a frenzy, and Daria can be seen talking with a few students about the class. Jane watches in amusement, making a scant few transactions. Finally, Mrs. Bennett calls an end to the game.
Bennett : Class, that concludes the game. Now let’s all count our equities to see how everyone did.
The class sits down and counts for a few minutes, and finally everyone looks up, finished with the tally.
Bennett : So how did people do? Kevin?
Kevin : Um, I have, like $500.
Bennett : Kevin, you started with $50,000.
Kevin : Oh.
Bennett : Brittany?
Brittany : Um, like, $2500, I think?
Bennett : (shaking her head) Jodie?
Jodie : (disappointed) $10,000
Bennett : Um, does anyone have MORE than $50,000?
Jane : I’ve got $750,000.
Daria : I’ve got $1.1 million.
Mrs. Bennett looks between Daria and Jane with surprise.
Bennett : And how exactly did you manage that?
Daria : No SEC.
Jane : And no Secret Service either.
Cut to the hallway. Daria and Jane are heading towards Mr. DeMartino’s classroom as they discuss the game.
Jane : So, how did you manage to get so much money?
Daria : Oh, once you realize it, its quite simple. For one, I found someone with a large pool of stock, and bought up some of the same stock. I then sold theirs short, and dumped mine to drive down the price. And once I managed to corner the money supply, I was all set.
Jane : Did you get all that from our econ text?
Daria : Nope. Basic mob psychology. Lead and they will follow.
Jane : Impressive.
Daria : Now, how did you manage to do so well? I mean, we ended up with more money than we started with. Significantly more.
Jane : I paid a visit to the toy store where she got the money.
Daria turns to look at Jane.
Daria : Securities fraud, profiteering, and counterfeiting all in one day. Not bad …
Jane : For once, school teaches us skills applicable to the real world.
Cut to Mr. DeMartino’s classroom, towards the end of class. Daria and Jane are sitting next to each other, playing their games. Daria looks like she’s concentrating intensely, whereas Jane merely looks resigned. Shrugging, Jane pulls her chair up to Daria’s computer.
Jane : Well, thanks to Kevin, we all managed to lose.
Daria : Kevin?
Jane : The AI destroyed him before we had a chance to, and then just rolled over Upchuck and me.
Daria : As long as Kevin went first and pathetically, I don’t think you have a problem.
Jane : So, how’s your game going?
Daria : Not bad. Brittany beat Jodie, which I doubt she was happy with. Now she’s bothering me up here (pointing at the screen)
Jane : Wow, you’re huge!
Daria : You’d better be referring to the game …
Jane : Touchy, touchy.
Daria : Brittany is just obnoxious. She can’t figure out the game very well, but she’s got a nasty tactical sense.
Jane : Huh?
Daria : Well, I think she’s attacking up here. (points to a small island)
Jane : So, you’re defending?
Daria : Actually, I can’t possibly defend those cities well.
Jane : So …
Daria : Actually, I’m attacking her capital. I’m ready to be done with this game soon, and Brittany hasn’t realized that she can see my moves …
Cut to the cafeteria. Daria and Jane are sitting at their table, eating their lunches.
Daria : How can the cafeteria manage to screw up dry toast?
Jane : They hire only Lawndale graduates as cooks?
Daria : Remind me again why we eat here …
Jane : I’ve got no food in my house, and you’ve got Jake’s cooking.
Daria : Thanks. (looking at her tray) Starvation is looking better and better.
Jamie : (VO) Are you two complaining about the food again?
The camera pans around to reveal Jamie standing behind Daria.
Daria : Well, what would you suggest doing with it?
Jamie : Well, you could eat it, you know.
Jane : Not a very pleasant course of action.
Daria : We have our health to think about here.
Jamie : Well, it can’t actually be dangerous, can it?
Daria : (looking at her food) Can you prove it?
Jamie : Well, I’m not dead yet …
Daria : Give it time.
Jane : Just don’t die in front of the cafeteria. People have a tendency to disappear.
Jamie : Um, OK …
Daria : Jane, that’s never been proven.
Jane : Doesn’t mean it isn’t true.
Jamie : (shaking his head) Um, I’m gonna go eat while I can still stomach food.
Jamie heads off, leaving Daria and Jane alone at the table.
Jane : Yet another victim.
Daria : Shall we cut a notch in the table?
Jane : Sounds a bit trite…
Daria : Spoilsport.
Jane : That’s why I’m here.
As Daria and Jane turn to their plates and begin to eat, Jodie and Mack sit down next to Daria and Jane.
Mack : Daria? Jane? Did something happen in economics? Jodie’s, um, been in a bit of a funk since then.
Jodie looks at Mack with an annoyed glare, but says nothing.
Daria : Jodie? Are you OK?
Jodie : Fine.
Daria : Are you mad about something?
Jodie : How did you two do so well in that stock market game?
Daria : Do you promise not to tell?
Jodie : (warily) I suppose …
Daria : For me, securities fraud and blatant price manipulation.
Jane : And for me, counterfeiting.
Jodie looks between Daria and Jane in amazement.
Jodie : You cheated?
Daria : Yup.
Jodie : But that’s not fair!
Daria : Jodie, didn’t you tell when we were looking for a loan that you were right to use all methods at your disposal?
Jodie : Yes …
Daria : Even if they’re not fair?
Jodie : Um, I suppose …
Daria : There were no rules against it, were there?
Jodie : No …
Daria : Then what’s the problem?
Jodie : Well …
Jane : Just cheer up Jodie. It’s just a stupid assignment.
Jodie : But we’re being graded on it.
Jane : Jodie, you probably did better than anyone but the two of us. You’ll be fine.
Jodie : I suppose …
Mack : Come on Jodie. It’s not the end of the world …
Jodie : It just seems wrong, that’s all.
Daria : Get used to it. Life’s a bitch.
Jodie : (sardonically) You’re in a good mood today.
Daria : Actually, I am.
Mack : That’s a bit frightening.
Daria : Thanks. I try.
Cut to the Morgendorffer residence, in the living room. Quinn is reading a fashion magazine when Daria comes through the front door. Daria begins to head upstairs when Quinn’s voice is heard.
Quinn : (VO) Daria?
Daria turns on the stairs, looking down at Quinn in the living room.
Daria : Yes Quinn?
Quinn : How was your date last night?
Daria : Um, it went pretty well …
Daria : (thought VO) I’m talking to my SISTER about dating?
Quinn : I heard that you got in pretty late …
Daria : And how would you know?
Quinn : Mom woke me to find out where you were.
Daria : Oh. Sorry about that.
Quinn : So, did Mom go ballistic?
Daria : (thought VO) Since when would Quinn use a word like ballistic?
Daria : Actually, she took it pretty well, considering …
Quinn : Considering what? (curious) What were you and Tom doing?
Daria : Nothing …
Quinn : Did you sleep with him? (seeing Daria blush) You DID? Oh my God!
Daria : Quinn, we slept together only in the literal sense of the word. We fell asleep on the couch while watching a movie.
Quinn : And that’s it?
Daria : (thought VO) No, but that’s all you’re going to get.
Daria : That’s the whole sordid story Quinn.
Quinn : And you told Mom THAT? (Daria nods) Wow, you’re brave.
Daria : I have nothing to hide Quinn …
Quinn : Then why did you move your diary?
Daria : And how would you know that?
Quinn : Um, uh …
Daria : (smirking) Good night Quinn.
Fade to later that night. Daria is in her room reading a book when the phone rings. Shrugging, she picks up the phone.
Daria : Speak.
Tom : (VO) No.
Split screen between Tom and Daria.
Daria : That’s original.
Tom : I try. So, is everything Ok? Hopefully your mother wasn’t too hard on you.
Daria : Actually, she was surprisingly understanding. Come to think of it, she never actually punished me …
Tom : Well, she called my mother earlier today.
Daria : Ah, the trust of a mother.
Tom : Well, um, I’m glad that things worked out. And I’m sorry about last night.
Daria : (sighing) You don’t have to apologize. It was actually quite nice, at least until your mother showed up.
Tom : Umm … thanks?
Daria : (overly formal) You are most welcome, sir.
Tom listens for a second, and starts laughing. After laughing for a few moments, he returns to the phone.
Tom : I needed that.
Daria : So …
Tom : Um, good night?
Daria : That remains to be seen. G’night.
Daria hangs up the phone and looks at her book. Closing the book, she walks over to her dresser and removes a nightshirt.
Fade to slightly later. Daria has changed into her nightshirt, and is standing at the edge of her bed. Pulling back the covers, she places her glasses on her nightstand and slides in between the sheets.
Daria : (thought VO) Well, this has been an interesting few days. At least I managed to get through without too much damage …
Fade out and roll credits.