The Games We Play

A Daria Fan Fiction by the Alchemist

Episode #507 - Daria


DISCLAIMER Ė Daria and cast are wholly owned by MTV. I am merely borrowing them for the duration of this work. I try and have them back on time, but I make mistakes sometimes. What? You thought that it was MTVís fault that they cancel Daria showings at the last minute?


Darkness. Slowly, a blurry picture come into view. A vague blob can be seen moving, and moves towards the camera. As the blob reaches the camera, the picture suddenly comes into focus. We are inside Dariaís room, staring at the ceiling. As the camera pans around, we see Daria laying alone in her bed.

Daria : (thought VO) Oh good. Itís morning already. And I thought I would remain in the blissful world of slumber forever Ö


Daria slowly gets out of bed, dressed in a t-shirt and shorts. Groggily, she makes her way to the bathroom. Moving into the bathroom, Daria slowly picks up her toothbrush and brushes her teeth. Running the water for a second, she splashes some cold water on her face,

Daria : (thought VO) Same old routine. Wake up, brush teeth, stumble down to be ignored at breakfast. I love my life.


Fade to the Morgendorffer kitchen. Helen and Quinn are in the kitchen as Daria enters. Walking over to the cabinet, Daria rummages around briefly, removing a box of fibre-Oís. Placing it on the table, she continues searching, finally removing a box of sugar flakes. Pouring it into a bowl, she takes a spoon and sits at the table. Still half asleep, Daria begins eating her cereal dry.

Helen : Sweetie? Would you like some milk for that?

Daria : (groggily) No thanks. But if you could postpone school a few hours, Iíd appreciate it.

Daria : (thought VO) Mornings. Ugh. (chewing a spoonful of dry cereal) Is the milk really worth it?

Quinn : Itís such a beautiful day today. Did you see all the snow outside?

Daria : Great. Now I get to be cold and wet when I walk to school. My life is complete.

Daria : (thought VO) If only Lawndale could figure out how to plow the streets and sidewalks. Can it really be that hard?

Quinn : Daria! Why canít you just appreciate the beauty of nature?

Daria : Quinn, did you just use the word beauty with reference to me?

Quinn : Of course not Daria. I would never do that!

Helen : Quinn! Youíre both very beautiful.

Daria : (thought VO) Of course, as a mother, that is absolutely meaningless Ö

Quinn : But mo-om!

Helen : Quinn Ö


Placing her bowl on the counter, Daria gets up and heads out of the kitchen.

Daria : Not to disturb this warm family moment, but Iím gonna head off to school. Enjoy your quality time together.

Daria : (thought VO) And once again, complete disaster is narrowly averted.


Cut to the hallways of Lawndale High. Daria walks into the scene, heading to her locker and slowly opening it.

Daria : (thought VO) Damn snow. Now I get the fun of wet socks all day. Although I could always steal my gym socks, I suppose Ö But thatís just so much work.


Daria reaches into her locker, removing an economic textbook and a green notebook. Squatting, she places the books into her backpack and closes the zipper. As she stands, she glances at her watch and looks about the hallway.

Daria : (thought VO) Thatís strange. Janeís usually here by now. (slight concern) I donít think I did anything to bother her recently. Well, unintentionally. You know, next time Iíll have to re-think this whole boyfriend swapping deal. Itís just so much trouble and all Ö


Daria turns briefly before going to class when she spots Jane in the distance, jogging towards her. As Daria continues to follow her, she comes up to her locker and quickly begins to exchange her books.

Daria : Mix up those time zones again?

Jane : Laugh it up funny girl. I had an Ö um Ö snow related incident.

Daria : Anything broken?

Jane : Trentís car.

Daria : Accident?

Jane : No, but itís broken.

Daria : (thought VO) True friendship. When even a simple yes or no is too complicated for an answer.

Daria : Any bodily injury?

Jane : Donít worry, Iím fine. Weíd better get to class, or we could miss the beginning of econ!

Daria : (thought VO) Now that would truly be a loss of epic proportions. Where else would I get my beauty rest?

Daria : Money good, taxes bad. Thatís about all you need to know.

Jane : Are you saying that you can embody all of humanity with those two statements?

Daria : Economically. For the general case, you need to add Ďsex goodí to the list.

Jane : And how would you know?

Daria : Iíve heard rumors Ö

Jane : Sure you have.


Cut to Mrs. Bennettís class. Daria is seated next to Jane towards the front of the classroom. Rather than the usual Xís and Oís, there are actual economic terms on the blackboard.

Daria : Wait, are we actually learning something real about economics?

Jane : It must be something in the water.

Daria : Wild Turkey?

Jane : But doesnít that require actual knowledge of the subject?

Daria : Not really. Just a good teacherís edition.

Bennett : Class? As you should know, weíre starting are unit on monetary policies and their effect on the overall economy. Can anyone give me a concise definition of the available money supply?


As Mrs. Bennett asks, Kevin raises his hand.

Daria : (thought VO) Great. More deep and thoughtful insights from the king of intellect.

Kevin : Isnít that, like the money in your pocket?

Daria : (thought VO) Well, heís getting closer. At least heís in the same solar system this time Ö

Bennett : Not quite Kevin. Letís put it another way. If the government were to print an extra $100 and give it to you, how much would the money supply increase by?

Kevin : I donít get it.

Bennett : How much extra money would be in circulation?

Kevin : Like, none. Itís all mine, isnít it?

Daria : (thought VO) And once again, the prize goes to boy wonder for bravely aspiring to ever greater depths of stupidity.


Mrs. Bennett sighs and turns to Daria.

Bennett : Daria? If the government were to print and distribute an extra $100, how much would the money supply increase by?

Daria : (thought VO) Time to shut her up by demonstrating my amazing ability to read the chapters assigned.

Daria : Well, letís see. If we assume a net tax rate of twenty-five percent, a marginal propensity to spend of ninety percent, and consider a balanced rate of imports and exports, the original one hundred should result in, oh (thinking for a moment) one hundred fifty five and, um, seventy seven cents?


Mrs. Bennett looks at Daria with a surprised expression for a moment, then turns back to her notes.

Bennett : Um, yes, I think thatís about right Ö


Mrs. Bennett walks back behind her desk, and begins looking through her bottom desk drawer.

Daria : (thought VO) Youíd think sheíd at least notice the exact same numbers from the text. Of course, youíd think that one of our classmates would have noticed as well.


Daria hazards a glance at Jodie, who has a Ďhey, Iím supposed to be the teacherís petí expression on her face. Smirking, Daria turns back to the front of the class.

Daria : (thought VO) Hey, a little conformity every now and then always keeps them confused, so they never quite know what youíre up to. (Bt) Almost makes me wish that I was up to something Ö


Mrs. Bennett stands up with a notebook and a box from her desk. Placing the box on her desk, she opens up the notebook and begins reading.

Bennett : Class? Today and tomorrow weíre going to be playing a game. The purpose of the game is to help you to understand monetary systems and security and commodity exchanges by simulating these systems in the classroom.

Daria : (thought VO) Oh goodie. Yet another pointless waste of my time without the slightest hope of actual education. Just like school.

Daria : (to Jane) Do you think that they use real gas in the ovens for when we fail?

Jane : (imitating Ms. Li) Ms. Morgendorffer! Do you have any idea how much gas costs? There are far more economical ways of suicide that are much cheaper for this administration Ö


Daria laughs softly.

Daria : Unfortunately, its not all that far-fetched. (to Mrs. Bennett) Why exactly are we playing this game now? Shouldnít we cover the stock exchange in class first?

Bennett : Well, Ms. Li has declared this to be game week, for examining the potential of games to effectively teach scholastic concepts.

Daria : (thought VO) Sounds like a bunch of wishful thinking designed to avoid spending money on decent texts Ö

Jane : Now this wouldnít have anything to do with the big conference on new and innovative educational initiatives announced this weekend, would it?

Daria : (thought VO) Now how did she know that? And why didnít I think of it. Hmm Ö I donít see any reporters or anything. Doesnít seem to be much unusual going on. Well, given the situation, at least. And honor isnít any good if no-one knows about it Ö

Bennett : Daria? Is something wrong?

Daria : (thought VO) Uh-oh. Busted. Think quickly, Morgendorffer.


As Mrs. Bennett looks on in concern, Daria slowly raises her head to look her in the eye.

Daria : How much is the grant?

Daria : (thought VO) Well, it was worth a try anyway.


Just as Daria is about to say something, she notices a hint of concern in Mrs. Bennetís face as she turns away.

Daria : (thought VO) Gotcha!

Bennett : Thatís none of your business Ö

Daria : (to Jane) And once again, the great Ms. Li demonstrates the principles on which a free market economy is based.

Jane : Oh, Iím sure that thereís a point to all this.

Daria : Metal detectors for the door?

Jane : Does that mean I canít bring my art knives without being harassed?

Daria : Jane, I donít think that an 8" fixed blade knife counts as an art supply.

Jane : Depends how you use it Ö You know, I donít think that I like all this security stuff after all.

Daria : (shaking head) Jane, Jane. I think you mean to say that security is double-plus ungood, right?

Bennett : (turning around) OK class, hereís the game. Each of you will receive a fixed sum of money and a selection of securities. The goal is to end the game at the conclusion of tomorrowís class with the greatest amount of money. Information about the performance of the individual securities will be given at sporadic intervals through selected persons, and a computer will generate book prices at the end of class.

Daria : (thought VO) Training day traders to loose money while still in high school. What a wonderful concept. Of course, securities markets are all about psychology Ö Hmmm Ö

Bennett : At the finish of class, any securities held will be valued at their book prices. Any questions?

Brittany : Um, whatís a security?


Cut to the hallways of Lawndale High. Daria and Jane are heading towards their next class as they discuss Mrs. Bennettís class.

Jane : So it looks like weíre in for a full day of games?

Daria : So much for catching up on my sleep.

Jane : Oh, you never know. We have OíNeil next. Maybe weíll play the silence game!

Daria : If youíll remember, that didnít go over very well with Ms. Li Ö

Jane : Thatís only because you refused to talk to her.

Daria : What, you want me to become a loser?

Jane : Become?

Daria : Thanks for the friendly support.

Jane : You want support, get a wonderbra.

Daria : Like anyone would notice.

Jane : Iím sure Tom would be appreciative Ö

Daria : (thought VO) Does she know something, or is she just teasing me?

Daria : Is this the voice of experience?

Jane : (shooting Daria a glare) The depths of my experience go far beyond your limited comprehension, mere mortal Ö

Daria : Well, now that the insanity has set in, itís time for class.


Fade to Mr. OíNeilís classroom. Daria, Jodie, and Brittany are sitting in three seats located in front of the usual front row. On the blackboard behind them are a number of papers taped to the board with ascending numerical values. Mr. OíNeil stands behind the desk, preparing to address the class.

Daria : (thought VO) I am sitting at the front of the class. I appear to be a participant in some form of twisted game once again. Life is hell.

OíNeil : Ok class, now that youíre all here

Jane : Iím not!

OíNeil : What?

Jane : Iím not here.

OíNeil : Then where are you?

Jane : Whoa. Thatís way too deep for your classroom Ö

OíNeil : (warily) Um, Ok Ö Well, getting back to class Ö Today weíre playing literary jeopardy. Can anyone imagine anything more exciting?

Daria : (thought VO) Watching linoleum curl?

OíNeil : Anyway, each student will be in a group of three for a ten minute session, or until the questions run out. The winner will get a free Snickers bar.

Jane : King size?

OíNeil : Um, no. The school canít afford it.

Daria : (thought VO) And yet, they can somehow afford to modernize the closed circuit monitoring system every year Ö

Jane : Too bad. Iím just not motivated by a mere regular Snickers Ö

OíNeil : Actually, theyíre snack size.

Daria : In that case, bring on the questions.


Mr. OíNeil looks concerned, but reaches into his desk to remove a few bundles from his desk.

OíNeil : OK, who would like to start. Brittany?

Brittany : Um, OK?


Mr. OíNeil looks at Brittany expectantly for a long moment.

OíNeil : Um, Brittany? You have to choose a category first.

Brittany : Oh. Um, Iíll take Hysterical Geeks for, um, 100?

OíNeil : Uh, Brittany? Thatís Historical Greeks.

Brittany : Oh, (twirling hair) Ok.


Mr. OíNeil removes a card and reads the answer.

OíNeil : This Greek hero made war in Troy, where he was killed by an arrow to the heel.

Brittany : (ringing in) True!

OíNeil : Um, Brittany, this isnít a true/false question.

Brittany : False?


Mr. OíNeil sighs as Brittanyís time runs out, and Daria chimes in.

Daria : Who was Achilles?

OíNeil : Very good Daria. Would you like to choose the next category?

Daria : (thought VO) Not really.

Daria : How about Dystopian Worldviews for 100?

OíNeil : Oh. Um, this author portrayed a dim, authoritarian future in his book named for the temperature at which paper burns.

Jodie : (chiming in) Who is Ray Bradbury?

OíNeil : Very good Jodie!


Cut to a few minutes later. Jodie, Daria, and Brittany are still in the front of the room. We see that Daria and Jodie are tied at 1500, with Brittany scoreless.

OíNeil : Daria, would you like to choose the final question?

Daria : Iíll take Historical Greeks for 500.

OíNeil : What famous Greek was the son of Zeus, and later went on to become a god himself?

Daria : (ringing in) Heracles.

OíNeil : Oh, Iím sorry Daria, that isnít correct. Jodie?

Jodie : Hercules.

OíNeil : Well, that concludes the first game Ö

Daria : (interrupting) Excuse me, but I think youíll find that Hercules is the Roman name for the son of Jupiter. The Greek name is Heracles, or Ďglory of Heraí.

OíNeil : Um, well, we donít actually have a book here Ö

Daria : Tell you what. Let me go to the library to check on it.

OíNeil : Well, I guess thatís OK Ö

Jane : Do you really want the candy that badly?

Daria : (to Jane) Hell no. I just saw a chance to get the hell out of here for a while. Ciao.


Daria leaves the room, leaving Jane slightly bemused and slightly annoyed.


Cut to the hallway. Daria is walking down the hall when Quinn walks by her. Turning, Daria yells to Quinn.

Daria : Quinn? What are you doing here? (noticing that Quinnís shirt is wet) Wet T-shirt contest?

Quinn : Daria! I was using the bathroom Ö

Daria : Sure you were.

Quinn : If you must know, my shirt got dirty, and I needed to get it cleaned up before it stained Ö

Daria : What pure, selfless motivations.

Quinn : (probing) And what exactly are you doing here?

Daria : Iím going to the library. (Quinn rolls her eyes) You know, to get a book Ö

Quinn : Thatís just disgusting!

Daria : (thought VO) Well someone appears to have retrogressed just a bit. What a shame.

Daria : You know Quinn, itís really not that bad. (teasing) Eventually, you even get to like it Ö


Quinn turns and stares at Daria for a while, then grimaces.

Quinn : Ewwww! Dar Ö Ewww!


Quinn turns quickly and storms off. Daria looks on in amusement.

Daria : Itís been a while since Iíve had that sort of effect on Quinn. (Bt) I must be doing something right Ö

Daria heads off to the library, a slight smirk on her face,



Cut to Mr. DeMartinoís classroom. Mr. DeMartino is at the front of the classroom, corralling the students into a confused group rather than allowing them to take their usual seats. Daria and Jane walk into the classroom, and both turn and look at the group with a little confusion. Seeing this, Mr. DeMartino walks over to the two.

DeMartino : Daria, Jane. If you would care to join us, the ENTIRE class will be LEAVING for the COMPUTER lab.

Jane : (to Daria) And if we donít?

Daria : (to Jane) Room 101. (to DeMartino) Excuse me, but what are we going to be doing at the computer lab?

DeMartino : As you are no doubt AWARE, Ms. Li has DECIDED to replace the usual CLASSROOM ACTIVITIES with GAMES. Given that this IS HISTORY, and that WAR, conflict, and ambition are such MAJOR motivators, we are going to give you STUdents the opportunity to ATTEMPT to follow in the footsteps of OTHERS and LEARN something about creating an EMPIRE.

Daria : Weíre planning an invasion of France?

DeMartino : (laughing slightly) An AMUSING concept Ms. Morgendorffer, but regrettably, Ms. Li wouldnít release sufficient funds from the school budget. So instead, you get to TEST yourself against a COMPUTER.

Jane : A computer?

DeMartino : You will be testing yourself against the abilities of Civilization II.

Daria : The triumph of artificial intelligence over natural stupidity?

Jane : Iíll start the betting pool.


Cut to the computer lab. It is a predominantly off-white color, with flimsy looking tables arranged along the outside walls. On each table are two somewhat dated computers, and a random distribution of free mouse pads alongside.

Daria : Another archaeological expedition?

Jane : Nope. Same old lab.

Daria : Like I said Ö

DeMartino : Ok class, for the next two days we will be meeting down here. You will be divided into groups, so that you will not only be working against the computer, but your classmates as well.

Daria : (to Jane) Why am I not concerned?

DeMartino : We will be playing a game called Civilization II. I know that the CONCEPT of civilization may be BEYOND you, but REST assured that this will not PREVENT you from PARTICIPATING.

Daria : (thought VO) But a room temperature IQ might.

DeMartino : Each group will have three students, and the remainder will be comprised of computer players. Your goal is to win. Any victory is acceptable. You will be graded both on your overall performance as well as the performance relative to your classmates.

Daria : (thought VO) Well, so much for the challengeÖ

DeMartino : Ok, I have divided the class into teams. The first team is comprised of Daria Morgendorffer, Jodie Landon, and Brittany Taylor.

Brittany : But how can I be on the team? Iím a cheerleader!

DeMartino : (frustrated) Just take a seat Brittany. (Bt) The second team is comprised of Jane Lane, Kevin Thompson, and Charles Ruttheimer.

Upchuck : Ms. Lane, if I may be so bold Ö


Jane turns and stares at Charles with an icy glare. Charles stops in mid sentence, and turns back to find a computer.

As Mr. DeMartino continues to distribute the rest of the class into teams, the students spread out and choose a computer. Daria pulls up a seat and logs on to the computer as Jane sits alongside.

Jane : Well this is a royal waste of time Ö

Daria : Actually, the game itself isnít half bad. And you get the chance to utterly annihilate Upchuck.

Jane : After he tried so hard to get us together?


Daria simply turns to Jane, remaining absolutely silent.

Jane : Hey, take a joke Daria! (Bt) So, any suggestions for the game?

Daria : Why Jane, is that a plea for help?

Jane : Well, my grade could use a little help, now that you mention it Ö

Daria : (thinking) Um Ö expand quickly, keep a good defense, and donít listen to anything Kevin says.

Jane : That last one goes without saying.

Daria : Youíll get the hang of it.

Jane : So, would you be up for some pizza after school?

Daria : (thought VO) Uh-oh. She would have to ask today Ö

Daria : Um, Jane? Iím meeting Tom after school today.

Jane : (warily) Isnít it awfully early for your usual date?

Daria : Well, uh, heís taking me to dinner, then weíre meeting his friends at the bowling alley.


Jane turns and stifles a laugh. Daria looks at Jane in surprise.

Daria : Ok, out with it. Whatís so funny.

Jane : Oh, nothing.

Daria : Is there something wrong with Tomís friends?

Jane : Thereís nothing Ö bad per se. Theyíre an Ö interesting bunch.

Daria : (warily) OK Ö

Jane : Come on now.


Jane looks at Daria, pondering the situation for a moment.

Jane : Daria! Are you worried?

Daria : Um, no. Iím fine.

Jane : Oh, you are! Thatís so cute!

Daria : Go to hell Jane.

Jane : Come on Daria! Thereís nothing wrong with being cute Ö

Daria : And if I said that you looked cute right now?

Jane : (smirking) Iíd deck you.

Daria : Women.


Fade to the Morgendorffer Residence, Dariaís room. Daria is visible as a silhouette, pulling a shirt on over her head. As the camera moves in, we see Daria dressed in a pair of black jeans and a maroon short-sleeved shirt.

Daria : (thought VO, looking herself over) Not too bad, I suppose. Now why am I so concerned over meeting his friends anyway? Itís not like Iím dating them. (Daria looks up for a moment) Whoa, deja-vu!


Daria heads downstairs into the living room, where Quinn is sitting on the couch reading a book.

Daria : (thought VO) Iím heading out on a date, and Quinnís reading a book. If someone had suggested that a year ago Ö

Quinn : Daria? (looking at Daria) Wow! (slyly) Hot date?

Daria : Oh, about 310 degrees or so Ö


As Quinn looks at Daria, we can see her thinking about Dariaís flippant comment.

Quinn : Um, Kelvin, right?

Daria : (shaking head) Since when does my sister know something like that?

Quinn : Hey! (composing herself) Werenít you always trying to get me to think, read, and use my brain?

Daria : (thought VO) Well, this is unexpected. Quinn sticking up for her brain?

Daria : Um Ö

Quinn : So why do you keep putting me down whenever I actually know anything?

Daria : (thought VO) Because Iím an obnoxious intellectual defending her turf?

Daria : Quinn, Iím your sister. Iím supposed to tease you. Builds character.

Quinn : Now you sound like mom.

Daria : (faux angry) You take that back!

Quinn : (bemused) Hey, Iím supposed to tease you. Iím your sister Ö


Daria regards Quinn with an amused expression.

Daria : Turnabout is fair play, unless itís being done to you.

Quinn : Do unto others as you would have others do unto you?

Daria : (heading over to the closet) But do unto others first Ö


Daria opens the closet, removing her blue coat. As she puts it on, she pushes the closet door shut with her boot.

Quinn : Hey, have a good time on your date tonight.

Daria : Um, thanks Quinn.

Daria : (thought VO) Have I just been having a pleasant conversation with Quinn? Whatís this world coming to? (same voice, with a slightly more sarcastic tone) A long, drawn out heat death. (original voice tone) Oh, just shut up. (heading out the door) Is it a bad sign when youíve been sarcastic so long that you even respond to your thoughts with witty comebacks?


Fade to the interior of a diner, where Daria and Tom are sharing a booth.

Daria : So now we have this silly game week, where we basically play all day so that Ms. Li can try for some big educational grant.

Tom : Arenít you usually opposed to becoming a corporate tool?

Daria : Not if it means less work for me.

Tom : Ah, the power of enlightened self-interest Ö

Daria : (thought VO) What else is there?

Daria : Oh, (deadpan) and I also relish the chance to improve Lawndaleís educational system.

Daria : (thought VO) Unfortunately, all the teachers are tenured.

Tom : But arenít all the teachers tenured?


Daria looks at Tom for a moment.

Daria : (thought VO) Now THAT was just weird.

Tom : Daria?

Daria : Thatís my name. (smirk) Ask me again, and Iíll tell you the same.

Tom : Someoneís in a good mood tonight Ö

Daria blushes slightly as the scene fades out.


Fade to the exterior of a bowling alley. Daria and Tom are standing at the door. Tom leans over and kisses Daria, who appears more than a little nervous.

Tom : Daria? Are you ready?

Daria : Iím just, um, a little nervous. (Bt) Iím not really a people person.

Tom : Relax. Iím not entirely sure that these three count as people anyway.

Daria : Wow, youíre really nice to your friends.

Tom : You should see how I treat my enemies.

Daria : You mean I didnít? Even when you and Jane had, um, just met?

Tom : (treading lightly) Um, actually, I kind of liked you then too. I mean, um, anyone who can care that much about someone else canít be all bad. (uncertainly) Iíd never known that kind of a relationship. I suppose I was, uh, jealous.


Daria looks at Tom with a surprised expression.

Daria : (thought VO) Danger! Danger! Emotions!

Daria : Iím, um, not sure what to say Ö


Daria leans over and gives Tom a hug.

Tom : Thanks. For everything. (awkward pause) Now that things are already weird, shall we meet the friends?

Daria : Uh, Ok.


Daria and Tom walk through the door and into the bowling alley. After paying and renting shoes, Tom looks around, and seeing two guys at an alley, takes Dariaís hand and heads over. As he approaches, the two boys come into view. The first boy is only slightly taller than Daria, with long, unkempt brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. He is dressed in clean but slightly shabby clothing, and has a slightly nervous aire to him. His companion is a tall boy, with jet black hair and a moderate build. He is much more well-kept than the first boy, and has a much more relaxed attitude to him.


The second boy comes up to Tom and Daria, and offers his hand to Daria.

Boy 2 : Either youíre Daria, or Tom has something important to tell us. Iím Dan, by the way.


Daria takes his hand and shakes it.

Daria : Dan. Nice to meet you. Iím Daria, as you already guessed. (Bt) And this is Tom.

Dan : Oh, THIS is Tom? Now Iím confused Ö

Daria : Suddenly, things are much clearer. (to the first boy) Am I allowed to ask your name?

Boy 1 : No.

Tom : Oh, come on Jim. Play nice.

Daria : Well, now that weíve got that name thing figured out, are you planning on joining us over here?

Jim : (nervously) Um, Ok.


Tom leans over to whisper in Dariaís ear as Jim comes over.

Tom : Jimís a little, um, paranoid. Heís sort of a closet conspiracy freak Ö

Daria : (thought VO) Hmmm Ö Playful mode ON

Daria : (reaching into her jacket pocket to take out a notepad) Ok, Jim, you said?

Jim : (nervously) Yeah Ö

Daria : Seems Iíve heard that name somewhere before. (looking down at her notepad) Hmmm. I see that you have a hotmail account?

Jim : How did Ö Iíve, uh Ö

Daria : Just answer the question sir.


Before Jim can respond, both Tom and Dan break down and start laughing. Jim looks at them, then back at Daria, considering the situation.

Jim : Funny. Very funny. Some day, youíll realize that I was right all along Ö


Tom and Dan keep laughing as Jim begins to look slightly embarrassed. Daria leans over and whispers in Jimís ear.

Daria : (whispering) Pretend that Iíve just told you a great way to get back at those two. Iíll play along.

Jim : You know, that just might work.

Daria : Of course itíll work. Donít you trust me?

Jim : No.

Daria : Details. Do you have a better plan?

Jim : No, I donít.



Tom and Dan notice Daria and Jim, and slowly stop laughing.

Tom : Planning something?

Daria : Thatís for us to know and you to find out.

Dan : Right. Jimís never been any good at plotting anything.

Tom : (turning to Dan) True, but Daria is.

Dan : Oh. Um Ö

Tom : (changing the subject) Uh, guys? Whereís Chris?

Jim : You know Chris. Bathroom.

Tom : (pointing over Jimís shoulder) Speak of the devil Ö


The camera pans around to follow Tomís gesture. Coming towards the group is a tall girl with short dirty-blonde hair. She is dressed modestly in jeans and a simple shirt, and approaches with a confident stride. Walking up to Daria, she looks her over before saying anything. Daria shifts slightly, uncomfortable with the situation.

Daria : (thought VO) He didnít say she was a girl. (Bt) And a pretty girl as well.

Chris : So youíre Tomís new sex toy Ö

Daria : (thought VO) What! Has Tom been spreading rumors? Oh hell Ö


In the background, Dan and Jim can be heard stifling a laugh. Daria darts her eyes slightly, showing Tom with a look of concern on his face. Returning her gaze to Chris, we see a small smile forming on her face.

Daria : (thought VO) Why do I get the feeling that Iím being played with here? Hmmm Ö

Daria : Well, he got tired of you. Something about too many miles on the old model Ö and an outrageous lease price.


Dan and Jim turn to look at each other, their faces displaying astonishment. Tom continues to stare, his eyes going wide.

Jim : (in the background) Looks like a showdown at Alís Bowl-a-rama Ö

Chris : (thinking quickly) Now thatís no way to treat a working girl! Iím sure I could teach a novice like you a thing or two Ö

Daria : Donít worry. Tom saved all the tapes. Although the riding crop seemed a bit much to me Ö

Daria : (thought VO) Must keep straight face. Must not show weakness. Pretend youíre being grilled by Mom. Or Jane, for that matter.

Chris : Yeah, kiss my ass.

Daria : No thanks. I know where itís been.


Chris looks at Daria again, this time with a bemused expression.

Chris : I think I like you, kid. You want a soda?

Daria : A soda AND rented shoes? My dreams are finally coming true.

Chris : Iíll take that as a yes.


As Chris heads off towards the snack bar, Tom, Jim, and Dan come up to Daria, looking at her with a mixture of respect and amazement.

Daria : What?

Jim : How did you Ö

Dan : She just never Ö

Tom : Chris never likes anyone, especially at first. I think the most anyoneís ever gotten from her is an "youíve got potential".

Daria : So, this is a good thing, right?

Tom : I think thatís safe to say. (to Dan and Jim) Guys? Could you set up the game?


Dan and Jim look at Tom, knowing his true motivations, but leave without teasing him.

Tom : Um, I just wanted to let you know Ö

Daria : I know that you didnít say anything to Chris or your friends. At least not THAT.

Tom : Uh, good. I wouldnít want you to think that weíve, um Ö

Daria : (teasing) Oh, you havenít?

Tom : Daria, sheíd kill me in a week.

Daria : Yeah, I guess that would be a problem. Unless you were a spider Ö (Bt) Um, Tom? How did you ever get to speaking terms with her?

Tom : (sighing) Thatís a long story. Iíll tell you later, OK?

Daria : Well, I suppose Ö

Jim : (VO) Hey guys! Itís your turn!


Fade to later that night. All five are seated around a table, with a pitcher of soda and a plate of nachos in the center.

Jim : Well, that was fun. Once we got going, that is Ö

Chris : Although we probably should have warned you about that bowling ball Ö

Daria : Hey, so the thumb hole sticks. I still threw a strike. It was just on the wrong lane, thatís all.

Tom : A minor detail Ö

Dan : Ah, the gallant Tom stepping to the defense of the fair Daria.

Tom : Well, thatís the type of thing a boyfriend is supposed to do Ö

Chris : Not that Dan would know Ö

Daria : Are you telling me that Tom is the sociable member of this jolly little group?

Chris : Sad, ainít it?

Daria : What about you?

Jim : (chuckling) Chris has what you might call an abrasive personality.

Dan : She makes sandpaper look like silk.

Chris : Thatís it. I donít like any of you anymore.

Tom : Big loss Ö

Daria : (shaking her head) How did any of you manage to become friends?

Chris : You mean Tom hasnít told you? Itís an amusing story Ö


Dissolve to the interior of a school hallway, lined with lockers. As the bell rings, students begin to fill the hallway. Most of the students are dressed in very formal attire, and have an arrogant ambiance. As the hall continues to fill, we see Tom, dressed as usual, heading for his locker. Reaching his locker, he opens it when a heavyset student approaches the locker next to his and opens it.

Student : Let me guess, youíre a study in casual dress.

Tom : Very funny. I wear what I like, and that monkey suit isnít it.

Student : (confrontational) Big words from a little man, Sloane.

Tom : Well, I canít possibly eat enough to become a big man like you Ö

Student : You just watch yourself Sloane.


The heavyset student heads off into the hallways as Jim walks up to Tomís locker.

Jim : Hey Tom. Mr. Happy after you again?

Tom : Heís all talk.

Jim : You sure about that?

Tom : Yeah. Blood is horrible to wash out of dress clothes.


The camera pans out as the two of them talk to reveal Chris watching from a distance. Glancing down at a sheet of paper, she shrugs and heads to a locker very near Tomís. As she does, Tom and Jim notice her walking up, and turn to her.

Tom : (looking at Chris) I havenít seen you around. Are you new here?


Chris ignores Tom, proceeding to take her books out of her locker.

Tom : Do you at least have a name?


Chris turns to Tom, looking him square in the eye.

Chris : Get lost.

Tom : Get lost? Thatís not a very nice name. So unfriendly Ö


Chris glares at Tom, then turns and walks away without saying a word.

Jim : I think she likes you man Ö

Tom : At least she hasnít said anything mean about us yet Ö

Jim : Tom, she said two words to us.

Tom : You see what you like, Iíll see what I like.


Fade to the library. Chris is sitting at a table alone, reading a textbook. Tom and Jim are sitting a ways across the library, working on homework. As they do, a tall, handsome boy approaches Chrisí table. Tom and Jim exchange a look.

Tom : Looks like Rico Suave is at it again Ö

Suave : Hey baby. You wanna come for a ride in my Jag after school? Real leather seats Ö

Chris : Somehow, skinning a cow for your benefit seems like a poor trade.

Suave : Not so fast now. Youíll be amazed at what I can do for you Ö

Chris : Then why donít you suck my dick?

Suave : (confused) Um, you donít have one.

Chris : What a brilliant observation. Why donít you think about it some more? Somewhere far away from me.


The boy looks at Chris, vacillating as to whether or not to try again. Apparently deciding not to bother, he sulks silently away from her table. The camera pans back to Tom and Jim.

Tom : Ouch.

Jim : Yeah, ouch. You think she prefers girls?

Chris : (VO) Get the hell away from me, you whiney bitch!

Tom : You know, it doesnít seem like she likes much of anyone Ö


Fade to the cafeteria. Tom and Jim are carrying trays of food, looking for an empty table. As they search, they spot a table with Chris sitting at the end, with the other students giving her a wide berth. Tom heads over, prompting Jim to shake his head.

Jim : Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war!

Tom : Oh, shut up and come on.


Tom and Jim approach the table, and wait for a moment. Chris completely ignores them.

Tom : Are these seats taken?

Chris : Give it up. I wonít go out with you either.

Tom : Thatís fine. I still need a place to eat.


Chris shrugs and returns to her meal. Tom gives Jim a Ďwhat the hellí look, and sits down across from her. Jim takes a seat next to Tom, keeping Tom between himself and Chris.

Tom : (between bites) So Get Lost, you have a nickname that you prefer?

Chris : No.

Tom : So, youíre OK with Get Lost?

Chris : (without looking at Tom) Suck my dick.

Tom : Drop your pants.


Chris puts down her fork and turns to look at Tom. Slowly, she picks up her tray and stands up.

Chris : (glancing at Tom as she leaves) You may have potential Ö

Jim : That went well.

Tom : Hey, it took us a whole minute to scare her away.

Jim : Right. Youíll have her eating from your hand in no time.

Tom : Why do I hang out with you?

Jim : Lack of other applicants?

Tom : God, weíre pathetic.

Jim : Yep.


Fade to the outside of Tomís locker. Tom takes his books and zips his backpack when a loud bang is heard offscreen. As Tom looks over, we see the same guy from earlier in the library hitting on an angry Chris.

Suave : Come on beautiful. I promise you wonít regret it.

Chris : Havenít you ever heard that no means no?

Suave : Baby, I canít let you walk away and make the biggest mistake of your life.

Chris : Try and stop me.


Chris turns and starts to walk off when the guy places his hand on her shoulder. As soon as he touches her shoulder, Chris spins and punches him in the stomach. Unfortunately, at that moment, a teacher rounds the corner and witnesses the whole incident.

Teacher : (loudly) Stop that! (grabbing Chris by the arm) Youíre going to see the principal, young lady.


As a crowd gathers to watch the spectacle, Tom forces his way through the crowd and gets in front of the teacher.

Teacher : Mr. Sloane. Kindly get out of my way.

Tom : Mr. Spalding, I watched the whole incident, and she was merely defending herself from an unwanted sexual advance.

Spalding : Is this true, young lady?


Chris nods her head.

Spalding : Well, we still need to see the principal, but if what Mr. Sloane says is true, you shouldnít be in much trouble at all.


As Mr. Spalding leads both of them down the hallway, Chris turns to Tom.

Chris : Chris.


Tom smiles as the scene dissolves back to the bowling alley.


Daria : Aww, how sweet.

Tom : Now donít you start Ö


Cut to the Sloane residence. Daria and Tom are on the couch, watching Sneakers on TV.

Daria : Itís awfully quiet around here.

Tom : My familyís at some formal function or something. I had a hard time getting out of it myself.

Daria : (teasing) Aww, poor baby.

Tom : So Ö

Daria : I had a nice time tonight. You have a very weird bunch of friends.

Tom : Um, yeah.

Daria : (moving her hand down to his knee and gently making circles) Lets just say that things make a lot more sense now. (hardening her face) For one, why you actually tolerated me. Youíve had experience.

Tom : Um Ö

Daria : (leaning over and kissing Tom) You know, youíre cute when youíre worried Ö

Tom : Daria? Did you get into the liquor cabinet or something?

Daria : Nope. Iíve just been having a good day Ö


Daria leans against Tom, relaxing and watching the movie. After a few minutes, Daria lifts herself slightly and turns her head towards Tom.

Daria : (softly) Too many secrets.


Daria watches, but Tom makes no apparent response. Studying him further, she sits up slightly and looks from the side at his face.

Daria : (thought VO) Looks like someoneís in another world right now. And he didnít even invite me. How rude. Hmmm Ö


Daria takes her hand and begins gently tickling Tomís knee and thigh. Tom shifts slightly, but remains detached.

Daria : (thought VO) Wow. (looking at Tom again) Well, heís not asleep Ö


As Daria continues to stare at Tom, an evil smirk falls across her face.

Daria : (thought VO) Well, desperate times call for desperate measures Ö


As the camera slowly pans up towards Tomís face, we see Dariaís arm moving slowly to a more Ďstrategicí location. Dariaís arm can be seen gently moving as she watches Tom with a mischievous expression. Suddenly, Tom awakes with a start and looks at Daria in confusion.

Tom : Um, Daria?

Daria : (pretending that nothing unusual is going on) Yes?

Tom : Um, your hand Ö

Daria : Well, if you donít like it, Iíll stop.


Daria raises her hand and leans against the arm of the couch, away from Tom. Tom looks at her in confusion, trying to figure out what exactly is going on.

Tom : Thatís, um, (tentatively) not what I meant. I just, uh, wasnít expecting it Ö

Daria : Why Tom. Youíre such a romantic soul.

Tom : Youíre loving this, arenít you.

Daria : Arenít you?

Tom : Well, um, yes Ö

Daria : So why are you complaining?

Tom : Iím just Ö (abashed) Afraid.

Daria : (uncertain) Afraid?

Tom : (embarrassed) Well, um, (resigned) I like you.

Daria : Well, I hope so Ö

Tom : No, I mean I really like you. And Iím, um, afraid that Iíll do something to screw it all up Ö

Daria : (taking Tomís hand) Tom, Iím a big girl. If you do something Iím uncomfortable with, Iíll tell you to stop.

Tom : You wonít be angry with me?

Daria : Would you be angry with me? Were you angry earlier?

Tom : Well, no. But, um Ö

Daria : Yes?

Tom : Youíre not likely to do much I would be uncomfortable with Ö

Daria : (shaking her head) Men. (Bt) Canít live with Ďem, and its illegal to shoot them.

Tom : Thanks Ö

Daria : Back to the movie?

Tom : Sounds good to me.


As Daria and Tom sit back to watch the movie, Tomís hand moves tentatively down to Dariaís knee. It sits there nervously for a few moments as Daria watches in amusement.

Daria : Tom, the hand is Ok. Just relax a little.


Daria smiles at an uncertain Tom as the scene fades out.


Fade in to the same scene later that night. Daria and Tom are on the couch (fully clothed), with Daria leaning against the couch arm and Tomís head resting on her stomach. Both are clearly asleep, and the TV is showing the blue control screen of the VCR. Tomís mother enters the room, stopping to look at them with interest. As she watches, Elsie enters the room and spies the two. Before her mother can say anything, Elsie shouts at her brother.

Elsie : Go Tom! Sleeping with your girlfriend in front of your mother Ö


Daria groggily wakes up, reaching her free hand up to rub her eyes. Pushing her glasses back down, she notices Elsie and Katherine.

Daria : (thought VO) Oh shit! Oh hell! What do I do now?

Daria : (elbowing Tom) Mrs. Sloane! Its not what you think!

Tom : Huh? (looking around, worried tone) Mom?

Katherine : Donít worry Daria, I know. Elsie, please go upstairs now.

Elsie : But mom!

Katherine : Now Elsie.

Elsie : Fine.

Daria : (thought VO) Iím still alive. And I havenít been accused of anything yet. Not bad so far.


Elsie walks off pouting, leaving the room. In the background, she can be heard walking up the staircase.

Tom : Mom, I can explain!

Katherine : Tom, I believe you. But isnít it time for Daria to head home now? Her motherís probably worried.

Daria : (thought VO) Oh my God! Thatís right. (sardonically) If I was ever glad that Quinn flaunted the rules, now would be the time Ö

Tom : Um, Mom? Could you give us a minute?

Katherine : Sure Tom. But donít be too long, Ok?


Katherine leaves the room, leaving an awkward looking Tom and Daria.

Tom : Um, Iím sorry.

Daria : Tom, we fell asleep. Thatís not exactly your fault.

Tom : I just got caught sleeping with my girlfriend on the couch by my Mother and sister. Can you think of something better to say?

Daria : Well, when you put it that way, apology accepted.


Daria leans over and gives Tom a brief kiss, then removes her jacket from the closet.

Daria : I really should be going. I have to brave a lawyer before I sleep tonight.

Tom : You have my condolences.

Daria : Iíd prefer a bottle of chloroform.


Daria turns and heads out of the house.


Cut to the front of the Morgendorffer residence. Daria is standing at the door, staring at the door handle.

Daria : (thought VO) Now or never Daria. Remember, she canít kill you. At least, I donít think she can Ö


Turning the doorknob, Daria enters the Morgendorffer household and walks into the living room where an expectant Helen is waiting. Daria walks over to the closet and hangs up her coat as Helen looks up to address her.

Helen : Young lady, do you know what time it is?

Daria : Iím sorry. I fell asleep.

Helen : (leading) With Tom?

Daria : (resigned) Yes, with Tom.

Helen : So your excuse for being late is that you were sleeping with your boyfriend? Even Quinn never tried that line on me.

Daria : Mom, you donít need to worry. Nothing happened. If youíre really worried, call Mrs. Sloane. She and Elsie found us asleep on the couch in the first place.

Helen : And if I decide to call her?

Daria : (yawning) Then Iíd recommend doing it in the morning. (Bt) Mom? Could you just punish me in the morning? Itís late, Iím tired, and I have to get up for school tomorrow.

Helen : Fine. But youíre giving me all night to think of an appropriate punishment you know.

Daria : Then I will see you tomorrow morning. Good night.


Cut to the next day at Dariaís locker at Lawndale High. Daria and Jane walk up to the lockers together.

Jane : So how was the big date last night?

Daria : Oh, it went pretty well.

Jane : (surprised) It did?

Daria : (thought VO) Why shouldnít it? Oh, Chris.

Daria : Yup. We caught up with his friends and bowled a few games. Theyíre an interesting bunch.

Jane : So, it all went fine with them? No problems?

Daria : Why Jane, is there something youíd like to ask?

Jane : (conciliatory) Was Chris there?

Daria : Yup.

Jane : And?

Daria : She said she liked me.

Jane : Liar.

Daria : Ask Tom yourself. (Bt) How did you two hit it off?

Jane : Tom had to restrain me, and Chris was laughing the whole time.

Daria : And why didnít I hear about this earlier?

Jane : No desire to be teased?

Daria : I guess I can accept that.

Jane : So, after bowling did you two explore bold new frontiers?

Daria : (thought VO) Crap. How did she know? (Bt) Wait a minute, she couldnít possibly know Ö

Daria : Jane, we watched movies. On the couch.

Jane : You wild woman you.

Daria : Hey, you know me. So how was your night?

Jane : Not bad. I went out with Trent to the Zon, sat around, the usual.

Daria : (thought VO) Now why do I feel guilty? Damn conscience!

Daria : Is that it?

Jane : Well, no. But thatís all youíre going to get now.

Daria : Jane!

Jane : (playful) Nope.


Cut to Mrs. Bennettís room. The students are milling about, buying and selling the Ďsecuritiesí. Jane seems to be participating reluctantly, whereas Daria has a huge group of students around her desk.

Daria : Now who would like to buy some (looking at the certificate) publishing limited? Moving it out at a low price.

Jodie : And why is that?

Daria : I would like to re-balance my portfolio, and need some cash.

Upchuck : Fairest Daria, I would love the opportunity to purchase some of your stock.

Daria : Sure thing, Upchuck.


Daria completes the transaction with Upchuck, and continues to work through the line until she is out of stock.

Daria : OK, Iím all out. Find someone else to buy from.


As the crowd spreads out, Daria heads over to an unidentified male student.

Daria : (whispering to him) OK, hereís the $2000. That should cover it.

Student : Thanks.


Daria returns to her desk, and begins to look through her holdings. As she does, Mrs. Bennett can be heard in the background.

Bennett : OK class, five more minutes.


The announcement sends the class into a bit of a frenzy, and Daria can be seen talking with a few students about the class. Jane watches in amusement, making a scant few transactions. Finally, Mrs. Bennett calls an end to the game.

Bennett : Class, that concludes the game. Now letís all count our equities to see how everyone did.


The class sits down and counts for a few minutes, and finally everyone looks up, finished with the tally.

Bennett : So how did people do? Kevin?

Kevin : Um, I have, like $500.

Bennett : Kevin, you started with $50,000.

Kevin : Oh.

Bennett : Brittany?

Brittany : Um, like, $2500, I think?

Bennett : (shaking her head) Jodie?

Jodie : (disappointed) $10,000

Bennett : Um, does anyone have MORE than $50,000?

Jane : Iíve got $750,000.

Daria : Iíve got $1.1 million.


Mrs. Bennett looks between Daria and Jane with surprise.

Bennett : And how exactly did you manage that?

Daria : No SEC.

Jane : And no Secret Service either.


Cut to the hallway. Daria and Jane are heading towards Mr. DeMartinoís classroom as they discuss the game.

Jane : So, how did you manage to get so much money?

Daria : Oh, once you realize it, its quite simple. For one, I found someone with a large pool of stock, and bought up some of the same stock. I then sold theirs short, and dumped mine to drive down the price. And once I managed to corner the money supply, I was all set.

Jane : Did you get all that from our econ text?

Daria : Nope. Basic mob psychology. Lead and they will follow.

Jane : Impressive.

Daria : Now, how did you manage to do so well? I mean, we ended up with more money than we started with. Significantly more.

Jane : I paid a visit to the toy store where she got the money.


Daria turns to look at Jane.

Daria : Securities fraud, profiteering, and counterfeiting all in one day. Not bad Ö

Jane : For once, school teaches us skills applicable to the real world.


Cut to Mr. DeMartinoís classroom, towards the end of class. Daria and Jane are sitting next to each other, playing their games. Daria looks like sheís concentrating intensely, whereas Jane merely looks resigned. Shrugging, Jane pulls her chair up to Dariaís computer.

Jane : Well, thanks to Kevin, we all managed to lose.

Daria : Kevin?

Jane : The AI destroyed him before we had a chance to, and then just rolled over Upchuck and me.

Daria : As long as Kevin went first and pathetically, I donít think you have a problem.

Jane : So, howís your game going?

Daria : Not bad. Brittany beat Jodie, which I doubt she was happy with. Now sheís bothering me up here (pointing at the screen)

Jane : Wow, youíre huge!

Daria : Youíd better be referring to the game Ö

Jane : Touchy, touchy.

Daria : Brittany is just obnoxious. She canít figure out the game very well, but sheís got a nasty tactical sense.

Jane : Huh?

Daria : Well, I think sheís attacking up here. (points to a small island)

Jane : So, youíre defending?

Daria : Actually, I canít possibly defend those cities well.

Jane : So Ö

Daria : Actually, Iím attacking her capital. Iím ready to be done with this game soon, and Brittany hasnít realized that she can see my moves Ö


Cut to the cafeteria. Daria and Jane are sitting at their table, eating their lunches.

Daria : How can the cafeteria manage to screw up dry toast?

Jane : They hire only Lawndale graduates as cooks?

Daria : Remind me again why we eat here Ö

Jane : Iíve got no food in my house, and youíve got Jakeís cooking.

Daria : Thanks. (looking at her tray) Starvation is looking better and better.

Jamie : (VO) Are you two complaining about the food again?


The camera pans around to reveal Jamie standing behind Daria.

Daria : Well, what would you suggest doing with it?

Jamie : Well, you could eat it, you know.

Jane : Not a very pleasant course of action.

Daria : We have our health to think about here.

Jamie : Well, it canít actually be dangerous, can it?

Daria : (looking at her food) Can you prove it?

Jamie : Well, Iím not dead yet Ö

Daria : Give it time.

Jane : Just donít die in front of the cafeteria. People have a tendency to disappear.

Jamie : Um, OK Ö

Daria : Jane, thatís never been proven.

Jane : Doesnít mean it isnít true.

Jamie : (shaking his head) Um, Iím gonna go eat while I can still stomach food.


Jamie heads off, leaving Daria and Jane alone at the table.

Jane : Yet another victim.

Daria : Shall we cut a notch in the table?

Jane : Sounds a bit triteÖ

Daria : Spoilsport.

Jane : Thatís why Iím here.


As Daria and Jane turn to their plates and begin to eat, Jodie and Mack sit down next to Daria and Jane.

Mack : Daria? Jane? Did something happen in economics? Jodieís, um, been in a bit of a funk since then.


Jodie looks at Mack with an annoyed glare, but says nothing.

Daria : Jodie? Are you OK?

Jodie : Fine.

Daria : Are you mad about something?

Jodie : How did you two do so well in that stock market game?

Daria : Do you promise not to tell?

Jodie : (warily) I suppose Ö

Daria : For me, securities fraud and blatant price manipulation.

Jane : And for me, counterfeiting.


Jodie looks between Daria and Jane in amazement.

Jodie : You cheated?

Daria : Yup.

Jodie : But thatís not fair!

Daria : Jodie, didnít you tell when we were looking for a loan that you were right to use all methods at your disposal?

Jodie : Yes Ö

Daria : Even if theyíre not fair?

Jodie : Um, I suppose Ö

Daria : There were no rules against it, were there?

Jodie : No Ö

Daria : Then whatís the problem?

Jodie : Well Ö

Jane : Just cheer up Jodie. Itís just a stupid assignment.

Jodie : But weíre being graded on it.

Jane : Jodie, you probably did better than anyone but the two of us. Youíll be fine.

Jodie : I suppose Ö

Mack : Come on Jodie. Itís not the end of the world Ö

Jodie : It just seems wrong, thatís all.

Daria : Get used to it. Lifeís a bitch.

Jodie : (sardonically) Youíre in a good mood today.

Daria : Actually, I am.

Mack : Thatís a bit frightening.

Daria : Thanks. I try.


Cut to the Morgendorffer residence, in the living room. Quinn is reading a fashion magazine when Daria comes through the front door. Daria begins to head upstairs when Quinnís voice is heard.

Quinn : (VO) Daria?


Daria turns on the stairs, looking down at Quinn in the living room.

Daria : Yes Quinn?

Quinn : How was your date last night?

Daria : Um, it went pretty well Ö

Daria : (thought VO) Iím talking to my SISTER about dating?

Quinn : I heard that you got in pretty late Ö

Daria : And how would you know?

Quinn : Mom woke me to find out where you were.

Daria : Oh. Sorry about that.

Quinn : So, did Mom go ballistic?

Daria : (thought VO) Since when would Quinn use a word like ballistic?

Daria : Actually, she took it pretty well, considering Ö

Quinn : Considering what? (curious) What were you and Tom doing?

Daria : Nothing Ö

Quinn : Did you sleep with him? (seeing Daria blush) You DID? Oh my God!

Daria : Quinn, we slept together only in the literal sense of the word. We fell asleep on the couch while watching a movie.

Quinn : And thatís it?

Daria : (thought VO) No, but thatís all youíre going to get.

Daria : Thatís the whole sordid story Quinn.

Quinn : And you told Mom THAT? (Daria nods) Wow, youíre brave.

Daria : I have nothing to hide Quinn Ö

Quinn : Then why did you move your diary?

Daria : And how would you know that?

Quinn : Um, uh Ö

Daria : (smirking) Good night Quinn.


Fade to later that night. Daria is in her room reading a book when the phone rings. Shrugging, she picks up the phone.

Daria : Speak.

Tom : (VO) No.


Split screen between Tom and Daria.

Daria : Thatís original.

Tom : I try. So, is everything Ok? Hopefully your mother wasnít too hard on you.

Daria : Actually, she was surprisingly understanding. Come to think of it, she never actually punished me Ö

Tom : Well, she called my mother earlier today.

Daria : Ah, the trust of a mother.

Tom : Well, um, Iím glad that things worked out. And Iím sorry about last night.

Daria : (sighing) You donít have to apologize. It was actually quite nice, at least until your mother showed up.

Tom : Umm Ö thanks?

Daria : (overly formal) You are most welcome, sir.


Tom listens for a second, and starts laughing. After laughing for a few moments, he returns to the phone.

Tom : I needed that.

Daria : So Ö

Tom : Um, good night?

Daria : That remains to be seen. Gínight.


Daria hangs up the phone and looks at her book. Closing the book, she walks over to her dresser and removes a nightshirt.

Fade to slightly later. Daria has changed into her nightshirt, and is standing at the edge of her bed. Pulling back the covers, she places her glasses on her nightstand and slides in between the sheets.

Daria : (thought VO) Well, this has been an interesting few days. At least I managed to get through without too much damage Ö


Fade out and roll credits.