A Daria Fan Fiction by the Alchemist

Episode #502


DISCLAIMER – Daria and cast are wholly owned by MTV. I am merely borrowing them for the duration of this work. I try and have them back on time, but I make mistakes sometimes. What? You thought that it was MTV’s fault that they cancel Daria showings at the last minute?



Open to a black screen. See a blurry view of Daria’s room come into view as her eyes open. Daria’s hands reach out to find her glasses.

Daria : (thought VO) Bed? How (reaching to get her glasses) Ow! My head hurts.

Camera pans out as Daria puts on her glasses. She is dressed in a long nightshirt. As she turns her head, we see her flinch as her eyes go wide. As the camera continues to pan out, we see a person-shaped lump asleep in the bed. Daria reaches down and gently shakes the lump.

Daria : (softly) C’mon. Time to get up.

Lump : (sleepy mumbling) Please mom, just a few more minutes

Daria : (soft deadpan) I’m not your mother, and no, you don’t get a few more minutes.

Lump : Wha?

We see the covers pull back to reveal Tom dressed in a pair of boxer shorts, looking both tired and confused

Tom : Daria?

Daria : Sshhh. Don’t want to make too much noise. I’m not sure who else is home.

Tom : Daria? (moves to sit up) Ouch!

Daria : Yeah, me too. (sheepishly) If I were to ask you something, would you promise not to get mad?

Tom : I promise

Daria : Um, (loaded pause) do you remember what happened last night?

Tom : (thinking) Well, I remember dinner, then an Italian film festival.

Daria : I remember that much. (softly) It’s the part where we end up in bed together the next day that’s a bit hazy…

Tom : Sorry to disappoint you, but I don’t remember much after that either.

Daria : (softly with concern) Uh, Tom? (Bt) did we, um, well, (Bt) you know…

Tom : Did we (realizing what she’s saying) Oh. (softly) Oh. (apologetic) I don’t know. (Bt) would it be that bad if we did?

Daria : Yes, it would. (Tom gets a look of extreme disappointment, but Daria doesn’t notice) I, well, (embarrassed) kind of wanted my first time to be (Bt) memorable. Romantic even. (Tom perks up significantly) I at least thought that I would remember it. (Bt) And if you tell anyone about any of this, I will kill you.

Tom : I see. Maybe we should find out if we did first before we get all worked up over it. (Bt) I’d hate to die needlessly.

Daria : You have a point, I guess. (Bt) Although you have a somewhat biased viewpoint here. (Bt, smirking) I’ll let you live, for now. (Bt, nervously) Tom? Have you ever, uh, done IT before?

Tom : I’ve done a few things, but never IT

Daria : (thought VO) Do I want to hear this? (out loud) I see…


A door is heard slamming down the hall.

Quinn (VO) : Daria?

Daria : (softly) Damn. Tom, into the closet. Now.

Tom : (being pushed by Daria) OK, OK. I’m going.


There is a knock at the door. Daria walks over and opens it to reveal Quinn standing there.

Quinn : Daria?

Daria : For today at least

Quinn : On behalf of the fashion club, I must say that your behavior at my party was reprehensible

Daria : What?

Quinn : You heard me. (suspicious) Is something going on?

Daria : (thinking quickly) I was just amazed that you know a five-syllable word

Quinn : Ha ha, very funny. I’m smarter than I look you know

Daria : I certainly hope so.

Quinn : Hey! (Bt) I have to get going. Big sale at the mall.

Daria : Quinn? When are mom and dad getting back?

Quinn : Oh, sometime this afternoon, I think. (suspicious) why?

Daria : Just wondering if we get lasagna again tonight. (sigh) I guess we do

Quinn : Whatever. Oh, Daria?

Daria : Yes?

Quinn : Thanks for last night.


Quinn leaves as a puzzled Daria closes the door and sits on her bed for a second. Hearing the front door close, she gets up and walks over, opening the closet door

Daria : OK, out with you.

Tom : (exiting closet) You know, most girlfriends don’t encourage their man to come out of the closet…

Daria : I guess I’m just special then.

Tom : So, where were we?

Daria : My parents were out of town apparently. There was a party. I appear to have made an entrance.

Tom : Memory coming back?

Daria : No. Discussion with Quinn. I acted ‘reprehensibly’, and she thanked me for it.

Tom : Wow, gratitude AND five syllable words. The mystery deepens. Did you tell her …

Daria : Hell no! (Bt) Not until I at least know what happened. (Bt) If ever.

Tom : Well, OK then.

Daria : OK

Tom : Alright. (Bt) This is a bit awkward

Daria : Yep.

Tom : So…

Daria : Tom? Would you have a problem with going home for a while? I need some time to (Bt) think about what happened, or didn’t. (awkward pause) It’s not like this happens every day

Tom : At least not that you can remember

Daria : Now that’s not funny.

Tom : True enough. One more thing before I leave.

Daria : And that would be?

Tom : Could you help me find my pants?

Fade out as Daria blushes furiously.


Later in the day, Daria and Jane are sharing a booth and a pizza at the pizza parlor.

Jane : So how was the big night?

Daria : (concerned) And what exactly do you mean by that?

Jane : (startled) Nothing really. Just curious if you enjoyed the festival.

Daria : (relieved, but trying to hide it) The film festival. It was pretty good. Seen most of them before anyway.

Jane : Daria? Are you OK?

Daria : I’m fine Jane. Just a little tired.

Jane : Any particular reason?

Daria : A certain sibling woke me up this morning earlier than I would have liked. (thought VO) Yeah, Elsie’s sibling, that is

Jane : So, before noon

Daria : You know me to well Jane.

Jane : And is this mystery sibling still alive?

Daria : I plead the fifth.


The next day (Monday morning), Daria and Jane are walking to school

Jane : Ready for another exciting day at Lawndale high?

Daria : (stopping momentarily) OK, who are you and what have you done with Jane?

Jane : Trent ran late last night. He left coffee. Or I THINK it was coffee. Whatever it was, it had a kick.

Daria : Oh. (pause) Uh Oh.

Jane : What?

Daria : We are being approached by Quinn’s fan club.

Jane : Danger Daria Morgendorffer! Danger!


The three J’s approach Daria and Jane as they continue walking

Joey : Hey Daria! Want me to carry your books?

Jeffy : I’ll carry your backpack

Jamie : I’ll carry you


Daria and Jane look a bit surprised as the 3J’s fawn over Daria

Daria : Um, guys, isn’t that Quinn over there? (points to the other side of the road)

Joey : Quinn! Hey, Quinn?

Jeffy : Quinn, need someone to carry your books?


Joey and Jeffy leave to assist Quinn. Daria looks back, and is surprised to see Jamie still hanging around.

Daria : Um, Jamie? Something wrong?

Jamie : You remembered my name!

Daria : You’re sure that Quinn won’t be mad at you?

Jamie : (sarcastically) No, she’ll be mad at Joey or Jerome or someone like that

Jane : (puzzled, to Daria softly) Care to explain this?

Daria : (softly to Jane) Um, later?

Jane : I’ll hold you to that.


Interior of Lawndale High, morning. Jane and Daria are at their lockers. Jamie is not with them.

Daria : (removing books) Who would have thought that Jamie was semi-intelligent?

Jane : With a mind of his own even? (pause – thinking) Does that mean that we can make people intelligent by keeping them away from Quinn?


The fashion club walks by, with Sandi giving Daria a nasty look. Jane and Daria watch as they walk by.

Daria : (smirking) I guess some are just beyond our help

Jane : Tell me about it. I’ve gotta catch Ms DeFoe before class starts. See you in hell?

Daria : I’ll say hi to Mr O’Neil for you…

Kevin : Hey Daria!

Daria : (puzzled, to Jane) How about the roof?

Jane : Okay… What about class?

Daria : O’Neil. (Bt) We’re reading Slaughterhouse Five. (Bt) You had some issues with the content, and I went to console you.

Jane : You? Console?

Daria : Console. Ridicule. There’s really not much difference…


Jane leaves as Daria closes her locker. Kevin is still standing there.

Daria : Kevin? Did you want something?

Kevin : Naww. Just saying hi.

Daria : (suspicious) Kevin, this is the first time you’ve ever said hi to me without wanting something

Kevin : But you were like, really uncool then

Daria : And now I’m cool?

Kevin : (laughing) Nawww. But you’re, like, not uncool anymore.

Daria : (amused) So I’m not cool, but I’m not uncool?

Kevin : Yeah!

Daria : (sardonic) I think that’s the most sophisticated conversation I’ve ever had with you.

Kevin : Thanks!

Brittany (VO) : Kevvy?

Kevin : Oops, gotta go…


Daria looks puzzled as Kevin leaves

Daria (thought VO) : What the hell happened at that party?

Sandi : (Walking up to Daria) Um, like Quinn’s sister or whatever? (Daria looks at her with surprise) I am here to inform you that due to your rude behavior, (looks nervous as Daria stares at her, but continues) the fashion club will never help you to remedy your fashion deficiencies.


Sandi turns and walks off, leaving a bemused and puzzled Daria

Daria : (to self) Damn. Does this mean I don’t get that makeover now?


Cut to the roof. We see Daria sitting by the edge, looking over Lawndale with a somber gaze. Jane walks in from behind and sits down.

Jane : Hey Daria. (Bt) Daria? (Bt) Anyone home?

Daria : Huh? Oh, hi Jane. It’s been a long day.

Jane : Um, Daria, its not even 9AM yet.

Daria : Thanks. That makes it much better.

Jane : Daria? Is something wrong?

Daria : No. I’m just so overcome with joy that I thought I’d get depressed to celebrate. (Bt) What else do misery chicks do for fun?

Jane : (warning tone) Daria

Daria : It’s been a really strange weekend

Jane : Does this have anything to do with Jamie’s magical transformation?

Daria : Probably. (Bt) Jane, um, (nervously) have you ever, uh, done (Bt) stuff with a guy?

Jane : (unsure) Stuff? I don’t know… (gets it) Oh. I see. (Bt) Are you asking if I did anything with Tom?

Daria : I already know that … (gets an ‘oops, what have I done?’ look on her face)

Jane : What! (suspicious) Daria, is Tom trying to pressure you into something? (Bt) Have you already DONE anything?

Daria : (sheepishly) I don’t know

Jane : I didn’t think so (Bt, forceful realization) What did you just say?

Daria : I don’t know.


Pan out as Jane looks at Daria with a mixture of concern and surprise. Cut to later in the day, still on the roof.

Jane : Let me get this straight. You don’t remember anything from leaving the film festival to waking up in bed with Tom?

Daria : Aside from a massive headache, no.

Jane : And suddenly, everyone seems to think you’re not as much of an outcast as before?

Daria : Well, not exactly. I just seem to be more respected for it. And Kevin actually talked to me. Without wanting something from me.

Jane : Strange. And you have no idea what actually happened in that time?

Daria : My parents were out of town, and Quinn threw a party. I showed up at some point, and apparently managed to get the head fashion fiend mad at me. Aside from that, I haven’t the foggiest idea what happened.

Jane : And Tom?

Daria : Same situation. Except that he lost his pants.

Jane : Lost them?

Daria : Long story. And I can’t even remember the important parts.

Jane : Tell you what. Let me see what I can get out of our wonderful classmates. (Bt) And when I can’t find them, I’ll have to resort to the usual morons.

Daria : (smirking) OK, fine by me. Just promise to tell me everything you find. (Bt) No matter how bad it is.

Jane : Deal.

Daria : (ominous) But if you tell anyone more than necessary…

Jane : (matter of fact) Then I die a horrible, painful death?

Daria : I’ve got to get some new threats.


Cut to the hallway inside Lawndale High

Jane : Kevin? Could I ask you a few questions?

Kevin : Ummm, OK.

Jane : I’m conducting a survey on what part of the party made Daria get cooler

Kevin : Why don’t you just ask her?

Jane : (thinking quickly) I can’t ask her. I can’t let her know that she’s cooler than me. (Bt, sinister) At least until I know how to get cool too

Kevin : Wow. That’s sneaky.

Fade out as Jane and Kevin talk, with Jane taking notes.


Later that day, lunch room

Daria : So Ms private eye, did you find out anything interesting?

Jane : A little. According to Kevin, Sandi was being a real bitch at the party. Apparently she had too much to drink, and made the mistake of going after you and Tom when you arrived.

Daria : Wait. She attacked me?

Jane : A battle of wits, apparently. If its any consolation, I think you won pretty handily.

Daria : That’s good to know. (Bt) Now I don’t have to kill myself

Jane : You’re not serious, I hope?

Daria : Don’t worry Jane. I’m my usual cheerful self.

Jane : That’s what I’m afraid of. (smirks)

Daria : So did Kevin tell you anything else useful?

Jane : Well, apparently he’s the QB…

Daria : I’ll take that as a no. (Bt) So nothing else yet?

Jane : No. Unfortunately, not everyone is as dumb as Kevin, so I have to be a little more subtle.

Daria : Good to know that Kevin does have some use to the world. (Bt) Um, Jane?

Jane : Yes?

Daria : Thanks for your discretion. I don’t exactly want this getting out.

Jane : But you could be popular and respected!

Daria : My fear exactly.

Jane : (teasingly) Your secret is safe with me, O tortured one

Daria : You might not want to bring up torture to me right now…


Cut to later in the day, Morgendorffer kitchen. Daria enters with her book bag, and walks up to the refrigerator

Daria (thought VO) : Ugh. What a day.

Cut to the inside of the refrigerator. Daria reaches for a can of soda, but stops for a second and reaches toward the back, pulling out a yellow pitcher. Placing it on the table, she sits for a while just staring at the pitcher. She walks over to a cabinet, removing a glass and an unidentified object that she drops into her pocket. She returns to the table, pouring a glass from the pitcher and returning it to the refrigerator.

Cut to outside, driveway. We see Daria take a small sip from the glass, and then place it in the driveway. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a book of matches. Lighting one, she touches it to the glass and watches as it catches fire.

Daria (thought VO) : That’s what I thought. (Bt) Kool Aid, liquor, and enough sugar to cover it up.

Daria watches as the glass continues to burn.

Cut to Daria’s bedroom. Daria is sitting at the edge of her bed, staring into space.

Begin flashback sequence

Daria and Tom walking back from the film festival. Daria is wearing jeans rather than her black skirt, but is otherwise dressed normally. The Morgendorffer residence comes into view as they walk. There are several cars in the driveway, and loud music coming from inside.

Daria : Well, it looks like Quinn decided to take advantage of the parental desertion and throw a party. Wonderful.

Tom : Want to make an appearance?

Daria : What do you think? Lets sneak in the back. I need to pick up a few things. I wonder if Jane is home…

Tom : You could stay at my place

Daria : Oh, that would go over well…


Later, in the kitchen. Tom is sitting at the table. Loud music can be heard, but the kitchen is otherwise unoccupied.

Daria : (looking into refrigerator) Tom? You want anything to drink?

Tom : Well, what are my choices?

Daria : (pulling out pitcher) Is red OK?

Tom : Red? (sarcastically) It’s my favorite

Slow zoom out as we see Daria pour two large glasses from a very familiar pitcher.

End flashback.


Daria : Aw, shit.


Quinn’s door. Daria knocks. Cut to inside

Quinn : Yes?

Daria enters

Daria : Quinn? (Bt) You remember the party Saturday, right?

Quinn : (nervously) Yeah

Daria : Do you remember a yellow pitcher? (Bt) With the ‘special’ Kool-Aid inside?

Quinn : (worried, but trying to hide it) Yeah, what about it?

Daria : Its still in the refrigerator. You may want to take care of it before Mom and Dad find it and get suspicious.

Daria exits, leaving a puzzled Quinn sitting on her bed.

Quinn : (thought VO) That’s strange. Usually…

Daria (VO) : I’ll assume our usual $25 sibling special then?

Quinn : (thought VO) Better (out loud) Whatever Daria.



Cut back to Daria’s room. Daria is sitting on her bed, talking on the phone

Daria : Tom?


Split screen between Tom and Daria

Tom : Oh, hi Daria. How are you doing?

Daria : (sighs) Its kind of a long story.

Tom : Um, that’s a good thing, right?

Daria : Would you mind if I came over for a while? We need to talk, and these phones aren’t always … secure

Tom : I see. (Bt) I’ll pick you up? Half an hour or so?

Daria : OK. (Bt) Bye.


Cut to the living room. Daria is reading on the couch, waiting for Tom. She turns, and stares at the corner of the room, near the kitchen door.

Begin flashback sequence

Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany are in the corner talking as Quinn walks over.

Quinn : Oh, hi you guys! I’m so glad that you made it on such short notice!

Sandi : Well Quinn, I suppose we can overlook the short notice just this once. I mean, you only gave us eight hours to coordinate our wardrobes.


Sandi moves, stumbling slightly. She appears to have had a bit too much to drink.

Quinn : But Sandi! How could I have known that my mom would have to go out of town for that big case that was filed yesterday? Or that my father would go with her?

Sandi : (hostile) Well Quinn, that’s the type of thinking that says "I am a fashion follower, not a leader". Perhaps you should take a fashion sabbatical to consider your actions

Quinn : (taken aback, Sandi is unusually confrontational tonight) But …

Stacy : Sandi, I think what she meant is that …

Sandi : (loudly) Stacy!

Stacy : Eep!

Sandi : (loudly, people are beginning to look at them) Do you, Stacy, as the SECRETARY wish to correct the Fashion Club PRESIDENT?


Stacy looks devastated, noticing that people are staring at them, and shrinks back into the corner. Quinn moves between Stacy and Sandi. Tiffany just looks like her normal stoned self.

Quinn : (firm, but controlled) Sandi! Why did you do that? (Bt) Stacy was just trying to help!

Sandi : I’m sorry Quinn, but as the President, it is my responsibility to run this club based on the best interests of fashion

Quinn : Actually Sandi, a President is supposed to consider their entire club when making a decision, not just themselves

Sandi : Oh, so now you’re becoming a brain too? (Bt) Does that mean that you’ll be dressing like that weird cousin of yours or whatever?


This attack really hits home. Quinn takes a step back, and is desperately trying to keep control in the face of the growing crowd of observers

Tiffany : Ewww. Like, what’s SHE doing here?


Zoom out to show Daria opening the door to the kitchen. She has apparently been listening unobserved from the other side.

Sandi : Um, like Quinn’s cousin or whatever?

Doorbell rings

End flashback, Daria is still sitting on the couch.

Daria : Damn.

Doorbell rings again. Daria opens the door to reveal Tom.

Tom : Ready?

Daria : I guess. (Bt) I think we had a rather interesting night Saturday…

Tom shoots her a strange look as they leave the house.


Tom’s house later that day

Daria : So I remember walking into the party after listening to Sandi. That’s when you showed up.

Tom : OK, that sounds right. Still doesn’t answer THE question, but I guess we should be happy with what we have.

Daria : (sighing) I just want to know what’s going on. (Bt) Is that too much to ask?


Daria takes off her glasses and rubs her face with her hands. As she looks up, she notices that Tom is staring at her.

Daria : (putting on glasses) What? Did I do something?

Tom : Daria, do you still have your contacts?

Daria : Um, yes… (Bt) Why?

Tom : It’s just that …


Begin flashback sequence

Daria’s room. Tom is sitting on the bed. Daria’s usual outfit is sitting on the floor by the closet door.

Tom : Daria? What are you doing?

Daria : (VO, annoyed) Teaching that little twerp an object lesson.

Tom : Wow, this is really getting to you. (Bt) Mind if I ask why?

Daria : Perhaps it’s the fact that the bitch is trying to undo all of the good that this summer did for Quinn. (Bt) Or perhaps I’m just tired of her treating everyone like dirt and getting away with it.

As she finishes, we see Daria emerge from her closet. She is wearing a tight-fitting black dress with a green sheen to it. She is wearing black gloves with a simple gold bracelet around her wrist, and a string of pearls about her neck. She is not wearing her glasses. The dress accentuates Daris’s figure (as seen in Quinn the Brain). Tom just stares for a second at the ‘new’ Daria.

Tom : Wow. (Bt) You look great!

Daria : (dangerously) And how did I look before?

Tom : (cautiously) You looked great before. (Bt) You look great now. (Bt, with a smirk) You would even look great wearing nothing.

Daria : (bemused) Flatterer. (teasing) Maybe later, if you’re good . (Bt) But for now, I’ve other fish to fry.

Daria and Tom head out of the room

Daria (VO) : Tom?

End flashback as Daria gently shakes Tom

Tom : Daria? You may want to sit down…


Cut to later that day, same setting

Daria : I see. (Bt) Interesting.

Tom : Which still leaves the question

Daria : What happened later?

Tom : Or before. (Bt) I’d like to know what Sandi did to get you so mad at her.

Daria : And what I did to her.


Cut to the next day, hallowed halls of Lawndale High. The fashion club is walking down the halls when Sandi notices Daria and Jane in the distance.

Sandi : Hey, Quinn, isn’t that your sister?

Quinn : (venomous) Well, she DOES go to this school. (Bt, condescending) Or did you forget?

Sandi : Its just so hard to tell with an outfit like THAT.

Tiffany : Yeah. (Bt) Boots are, like, sooo wrong

Stacy : I know. I mean, what’s the point of wearing a skirt if you can’t show off your legs

Daria : (as the fashion club walks by) Perhaps to kick your scrawny little …

Sandi : Um, excuse me. The fashion club does NOT associate with, ugh, unfashionable losers, except to help them. (Bt) And you are clearly beyond our help.

Daria : (deadpan) I guess I’ll just have to live my life without your shining example then. Perhaps someday, the meaning will return to my desolate world of fashion mediocrity.

Sandi : Well, OK then. I thought you’d see it my way.


Quinn looks at this exchange with a slight smirk – she realizes that Daria’s sarcasm has gone completely unnoticed by Sandi. Stacy looks perplexed, as if she’s not sure who won this exchange. Tiffany just looks confused (as usual).

As Daria walks away, Sandi gets an evil smirk on her face. Daria stops for a second, and turns back to look at Sandi with a pointed gaze. Sandi flinches. Daria shrugs, and walks off with a smirk on her face.

Tiffany : She was, like, so RUDE.

Stacy : (thought VO) Sandi or Daria? (out loud) I know. Can you believe that?


DeMartino’s classroom, beginning of class. The chalkboard is covered in notes relating to WWI.

DeMartino : Good morning, STUDENTS! If it isn’t too much TROUBLE for you to get up from your morning NAP, could SOMEONE tell me the major PROBLEM that the British and French had with the SOCIALIST REVOLUTION in Russia?

As Mr. DeMartino looks out at the class, there are no volunteers. In fact, most of the class barely looks awake.

DeMartino : KEVIN! Perhaps YOU could enlighten us with your PEARLS of WISDOM regarding the Russian Revolution?

Kevin : But Mr. D, pearls are for girls, not the QB!

DeMartino : Well, perhaps then you could simply ANSWER the QUESTION?

Daria : I’ll take the Vegas odds on that one

Jane : If only there were some way to harness stupidity

Daria : You mean besides AOL?

Kevin : The Russian Revolution? (Bt) Is that like, a new running game for the Lions?

DeMartino : Why, THANK you KEVIN, for your inSIGNTFUL and ENterTAINING response. Now would someone who is a BIT less COMATOSE care to venture an ANSWER? BRITTANY?

Brittany : Um, they like, got mad because the Russians decided they were, like tired of fighting or something?

DeMartino : Why, Brittany! I believe that’s as close to CORRECT as you have ever BEEN in my classroom!

Brittany : Um, OK!

Daria : Great. Just great.

Jane : What?

Daria : I had hoped that I’d be a bit older before the horsemen arrived…

Jane : (smirking) Daria’s popular, and Brittany’s a brain. Will the wonders never cease?


Party at the Morgendorffer Residence. Daria is standing facing the fashion club. Sandi is facing Daria with a cross look on her face. Stacy is half-collapsed in the corner. Quinn is standing between Sandi and Stacy , and is rapidly working to compose herself.

Pan out as we see a strange look on Daria’s face. Continue to zoom out as we fade into a flashback

Sandi : Um, like Quinn’s cousin or whatever?

Daria : (thought VO) Will wonders never cease? The head fashion fiend dares to speak to the unfashionable? (out loud, heavy sarcasm) Did you want something, Quinn’s walking mannequin?

Sandi : (annoyed) I am the PRESIDENT of the FASHION club, and my NAME is Sandi.

Daria : Well, I am Quinn’s SISTER and my NAME is Daria

Murmurs ripple through the crowd, who are watching with great interest. Quinn looks like she wants to die


Sandi : (loud, annoyed) Quinn Morgendorffer! (Bt) You have been LYING to us about this, ugh, person who claims to be your SISTER?

Daria : Gee Sandi, are you really that STUPID?

Sandi : (distracted from her Quinn tirade) And what is that supposed to mean?

Daria : Gee, I wonder. (Bt) My first week in school, I announce to the entire student body that I am Quinn’s sister. (Bt) I have the same last name, live in the same house, and the hypothetical ‘parents’ that left me there have never once come to Lawndale. (Bt) So I will ask again. Are you really so STUPID and GULLIBLE that you couldn’t figure it out? (Bt, smirk) Perhaps the fashion club needs a leader with more intelligence than the clothes she is wearing…

Sandi : (loudly) WHAT?

Daria : (condescendingly) I’m sorry. Would you like me to repeat that slowly, and with simpler words so you can understand?

Sandi : (trying to regain the upper hand) Why would I listen to a LOSER like you. You will always be alone, with no friends and no life. (Bt) After all, why would anyone be interested in someone dressed like THAT? (pointing at Daria’s clothing)


Before Daria can respond, Tom comes up from behind her. He spins her around and gives her a big kiss, and the two of them walk off towards the stairs.

Daria : (to Tom) Thanks…

Tom : Anytime

DeMartino (VO) : How about you Ms. Morgendorffer?


End flashback, returning to DeMartino’s classroom. Mr. Demartino is standing in front of Daria’s desk, waiting for a more complete answer to his original question.

Daria : (sighs) The Bolsheviks, led by Lenin, pulled out of WWI due to the enormous casualties and lack of equipment for their troops. They felt that they needed to solve their internal problems first, and that the war was an unnecessary drain on their resources. The British and French, who were engaged in a bloody war of attrition on the Western front, took particular offense to the Russian action, as it allowed Germany to concentrate on a single front.

DeMartino : Very GOOD Daria. Do any of you other PROMising young people have anything to add?



Cut to lunch, later that day. Daria and Jane are staring at their lunches with bemusement.

Jane : And today’s entrée is, um, brown, with sides of red and white

Daria : (offhandedly) I think I’ve had enough red, thank you.

Jane : Huh?

Daria : Long story.

Jane : We’ve got time…


Cut to later, still at lunch

Daria : And then, we headed back down to the party. After that, I’m still not sure.

Jane : Wow. A real showdown at the Morgendorffer Corral. I wish I had been there.

Daria : Jane, next time I get drunk and cut down idiots in front of the entire popular crowd, I’ll be sure to let you know.

Jane : (faux gratitude) Why, thanks! That means so much to me.

Daria : I hate you.

Jane : (faux anger) Hey! Be nice, or I won’t share mine.

Daria : Oh, sure, kick me when I’m down. (Bt) Your turn.

Jane : Well, apparently when you came back to the party, you made quite the impression…

Daria : With a golf club, hopefully?

Jane : Not exactly…


Cut to flashback sequence. Party, later in the night. The Fashion Club has moved more into the center of the room, with the 3J’s in close attendance. Jane is standing in the corner.

Daria (VO) : Um, Jane? You weren’t at the party…

Jane (VO) : Hey! This is my story, and I’ll tell it as I see fit

Daria (VO) : (sighs) If you must

Jane (VO) : (playfully) Now that’s the Daria we know and love

Daria (VO) : I will kill you for this. When you least expect it.

Return to flashback proper

Sandi : So Quinn, perhaps you could tell me why that sister of yours or whatever thinks she can talk to me that way. After all, I AM the fashion club PRESIDENT

Tiffany : Sister? But … I thought she was … your cousin or something…

Quinn : (ignoring Tiffany) Well, um, Daria kind of, uh, doesn’t care about that sort of stuff…

Sandi : Quinn Morgendorffer. Are you implying that a proper fashion choice is not worthy of her attention?

Quinn : (nervously) No, (Bt, more confidently) I’m just saying that Daria doesn’t worry about fashion

Sandi : But shouldn’t our VICE PRESIDENT be able to convince the unfashionable of the error of their ways?

Quinn : Sandi, she’s a brain, you know. (Bt) I’ve almost never seen anyone convince her of anything

Sandi : Well that is why you are only the VICE president Quinn. If I had to live with her, she would probably be IN the fashion club

Quinn : (under breath) no, she’d have killed you (out loud) Like you did tonight?

Sandi : Trust me. If I see her again, you will see why I am PRESIDENT

Daria (VO) : I’d take you up on that, but I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person



Pan out as Daria enters, dressed to kill. Tom is dressed as usual.

Kevin (VO) : Wow Daria! You look hot!

Jamie : Whoa…

Sandi : And what is THAT supposed to mean?

Daria : It means that while I can always look fashionable, you will still be an idiot.



Sandi turns to respond to Daria and notices her outfit for the first time. She face-faults, just staring for a few seconds.

Quinn : (sarcastically) Wow, Sandi. I am truly impressed with your presidential handling of this matter.



========== Begin Commercial Break ============

Daria (VO) : Dammit Jane! NO COMMERCIALS!

Jane (VO) : But this is MY flashback

Daria (VO) : Jane…

Jane (VO) : But the drama! The suspense!

Daria (VO) : The new corpse in the cafeteria?

Jane (VO) : Fine. Spoilsport.




Sandi turns to stare at Quinn with a mean glare, which she holds for a second. Moving quickly, she grabs a glass of soda and spins to throw it at Daria. Jamie notices this and tries to grab her arm to stop her. Unfortunately, this merely throws off her aim, and the entire contents of the glass land on Tom

Tom : Gee, thanks. (Bt) Next time, I’d prefer my drink in a glass.

Daria : I rest my case.

Sandi : Johnny! How could you do that!

Quinn : Sandi! Johnny was just trying to keep you from making a scene. Calm down.


Daria walks over to Jamie and puts her hand on his shoulder while Quinn and Sandi are arguing.

Daria : Thank you (firmly) Jamie

Jamie : You remembered my name!

Daria : Yes, I did. Its not like its all that difficult or anything.

Jamie : I know…


As Daria walks back to talk with Tom, Jamie looks at her with a combination of puzzlement and admiration. Quinn and Sandi are still arguing, oblivious to the whole exchange. We see that Tom has been pretty well soaked, but is taking it pretty well.

Daria : Sorry about that. You OK?

Tom : I suppose. Just a bit wet. (Bt) Who was that guy?

Daria : Oh, that’s Jamie. One of Quinn’s flunkies. (Bt) Lets get you upstairs and out of those wet clothes.

Tom : (overly romantic) Darling! I thought you’d never ask!


Daria blushes slightly as they leave the room. We see Jamie still staring in the same direction.

Jamie : (softly) Flunky?


End flashback sequence. Back at the cafeteria, Lawndale High

Daria : Do I want to know how you found this out?

Jane : I can’t tell you. (Bt) I promised.

Daria : (suspicious) Okay…


Jamie walks up to the table with Daria and Jane. Jane looks concerned for a second, but quickly covers it up. Daria notices this slip with amusement.

Jamie : Hi Daria, Jane. Enjoying your lunch?

Daria : Jamie, this is Lawndale High. What do you think?

Jamie : (chuckles) Good point.

Jane : Hey! They’ve been trying to improve the food ever since those health inspectors came down with anthrax. Can you guess what today’s secret ingredient is?

Daria : (tasting food) MDMA?


Jamie is about to say something else when Jodie walks up to the table.

Jodie : Hey! Mind if I sit down? (Bt) Jamie?

Jamie : Hi Jodie. I was just leaving.


Jamie leaves for the football table as Jodie takes a seat.

Daria : So what do you need from us now? Please tell me we aren’t up for another ‘voluntary’ fundraiser…

Jodie : Well, I haven’t seen Ms. Li this afternoon, so I can’t say for certain

Jane : Then what brings you to our world?

Jodie : (to Daria) I just wanted to warn you that Brittany is convinced that you’re trying to steal Kevin from her

Jane : Daria? Steal Kevin from her?

Daria : Let’s not be too hasty. (Bt, Jodie and Jane give her strange looks) If I did steal him, could I drop him off at a good chop shop?

Jane : (chuckling) Good Times Chinese restaurant?

Jodie : Don’t go there Jane.

Brittany (VO) : Oh, there you are Daria…

Jodie : Uh-oh. (Bt) Maybe I should leave

Jane : Naw. Sit and watch the carnage.


Brittany walks up to the table.

Brittany : Daria?

Daria : I have been known to answer to that name, yes

Brittany : Why are you trying to steal my Kevie from me?

Daria : Brittany, I HAVE a boyfriend. I have no interest in Kevin. (Bt) Ever.

Brittany : Then why was he looking at you like that?

Daria : Like what? Why don’t you ask Kevin?

Brittany : Kevin? Why would he tell me? (Bt, hair twirl) When you stole Tom, did you tell Jane?


Daria looks a bit uncomfortable at Brittany’s question, and turns a bit

Jane : Yes, she did.

Brittany : Oh. (Bt) Just stay away from him


Brittany walks off

Daria : Well, that was, (Bt) interesting.

Jodie : I’d watch it. She’s convinced that you’re after Kevin

Daria : With a knife?

Jodie : Seriously. I heard that she’s actually been studying

Jane : Kevin must really enjoy that

Jodie : No, I mean studying. As in reading books.

Daria : Seriously? (Bt) With words and everything?

Jodie : She figures that she needs to be a brain to compete

Jane : (laughing) Brittany? A brain? You have GOT to be kidding

Daria : If I were a nicer person, I might actually TRY to take him away from her, for her benefit.

Jodie : But?

Daria : But the penalty for murder is just too high.

Kevin (VO) : Hey, Daria?

Daria : Anyone know where I could dump a body?


Cut to after school, Jane and Daria are walking home as Jamie comes up alongside

Jane : So Trent and the band have a gig coming up this Saturday out in Freemont. Are you up for a road trip?

Daria : Sure. Why not.

Jane : You can even invite young Thomas if you want.

Daria : Sorry, you’re out of luck. He’s out of town this weekend. You’ll have to torment me yourself.

Jamie : Um, Daria? Could I ask you a question?

Jane : You just did

Jamie : Uh, well, …

Daria : Jamie, if you want to ask me something, just do it. You don’t need my permission.

Jamie : Well, Daria, why aren’t you popular?

Daria : I’m not sure I understand what you mean

Jamie : Well, its just that you can make yourself really pretty if you want. Maybe not as much as Quinn …

Daria : I don’t know if I should thank you or smack you for that

Jane : Smack him! (Bt, to bemused looks) Please?

Daria : Oh, shut up Jane.

Jamie : Sorry! (Bt) I didn’t mean it that way.

Daria : Don’t worry about it. (Bt) Was there anything else?

Jamie : Well, since you could be popular if you wanted to, then you must not want to be popular.

Daria : True enough.

Jamie : So, why not?

Daria : Jamie, Quinn is popular, correct?

Jamie : (warily) Yes

Daria : What about Quinn’s friends? How would you describe Quinn and her friends?

Jamie : Well, they’re, um, (Bt, thinking) pretty?

Daria : And what would you say about me?

Jamie : (nervously) You’re, um, (Bt) smart and nice, if a bit weird

Daria : You’ve known Quinn and her friends for two years, and you describe them as pretty. You know me for a few days, and describe me as smart and nice. (Bt) Does that tell you anything?

Jamie : (thinking) Oh. I see. (Bt) Thanks.


Jamie walks off, leaving Jane and Daria alone again

Jane : Building up a harem?

Daria : (warning) Jane…

Jane : Oh, come on. You must admit that its pretty amusing, no?

Daria : I suppose. (Bt) I wonder if she’ll notice?

Jane : No, two is more than enough to fight over her

Daria : Probably true…


Cut to later that day, Casa Lane, Jane’s room. Daria is laying on Jane’s bed as Jane paints at a canvas.

Daria : This is just weird

Jane : You say that every day

Daria : Well, this is exceptionally weird. It turns out that all I had to do to become popular was get drunk and dress like a tramp.

Jane : Most people don’t figure that out until they’re in college.

Daria : Just promise me that if I ever become the keg queen, you’ll do the right thing.

Jane : Would you prefer leeches, or a simple beating?

Trent (VO) : Hey, Janey?

Jane : Yes, Trent?


Trent enters the room

Trent : Janey, do you know what happened to that pizza in the refrigerator?

Jane : Trent, that was last week. Mystik Spiral finished it after their practice.

Trent : Bummer. (Bt) Hey Daria

Daria : Hey. Sorry about the pizza.

Trent : That’s OK. I should get some sleep anyway.

Daria : Yeah, we were just saying that you didn’t get enough sleep.

Trent : God one, Daria.

Daria : Trent?

Trent : Yeah?

Daria : What do you do when people don’t understand why you stick with your music? (Bt) Like your family?

Trent : Well, usually I get drunk and tell everybody off right before I pass out. (Bt) When I wake up, I usually have to leave pretty quickly

Jane : (laughing) Preferably in someone else’s car.


Pan out to see Daria just staring at Trent. The phone rings, startling Daria. Jane answers.

Jane : Yes? (Bt) Yes? (Bt) OK, I’ll tell him. (Bt) Bye.

Jane : (turning towards Trent) Trent? You have a rehearsal at Jesse’s.

Trent : When?

Jane : An hour ago.

Trent : Oh, then I should probably get going. Later.


Trent leaves as Jane turns to look at Daria

Daria : Oh my god! I’m becoming Trent!

Jane : Oh, calm down. (Bt) I’m sure you have a while before the beard grows in

Daria : Your concern is overwhelming

Jane : Hey, anything for a friend.

Daria : Hate to see how you treat your enemies then


Daria flops down on the bed as Jane continues to paint.

Jane : Daria? (Bt) Daria? (Bt) You alive over there?


Jane walks over to check on a now sleeping Daria laying on the bed. As she does, we see her painting. It is a scene from the Wizard of Oz, with Daria as Dorthy, Sandi the Wicked Witch of the East lying beneath her house, and the munchkin faces bearing a striking similarity to Jeffy, Joey, Jamie, and Kevin.

Jane : (softly) If you wanted to be more like Trent, you picked a good start…


Cut to halls, Lawndale High. We see Daria walking down the hall. She is wearing blue jeans and a tight black shirt that emphasizes a significantly more substantial figure than we saw earlier, and is wearing her contacts. The three J’s and Kevin are walking along with her.

Joey : Hey Daria, do you have a date for tonight?

Jamie : Wanna go to the movies with me?

Jeffy : I’ll take you to Chez Pierre…

Kevin : But I’m the QB!

Daria : Guys, guys. Relax.

Jeffy : So who are you gonna go with?

Joey : Pick me!

Kevin : Now way Joey. I’m the QB!

Daria : Will you all stop! (The four turn and look at Daria) How about this? Joey and Kevin can go out with me tonight. (Bt) Tomorrow, Jeffy and Jamie can take me to Chez Pierre?

Kevin : But I can’t go on a date with another guy! I’m the QB!

Daria : (Quinn-esque) Kevin, what if one of you gets sick, or whatever? You wouldn’t want me to risk being ALONE for the whole night, would you?

Kevin : Oh, yeah, sorry.

Jeffy : But what do we do tonight?

Daria : Why don’t you call Quinn? (Bt) She’s trying to become a BRAIN.

Jamie : Why would she do that? Who needs brains when you’re pretty and popular?

Jane : (walking by) Obviously not you…

Daria : As if. The black and red look is like, so yesterday. And those earrings? Don’t get me started…


Fade to next scene as Daria wakes in Jane’s bed with a start

Jane : Daria? Are you OK?

Daria : Jane? (looks around) Damn subconscious. (Bt) Jane? If I ever start dating Kevin …

Jane : (chuckling) Kevin? (sees a concerned look on Daria’s face) Don’t worry. It’ll be quick and painless.

Daria : Always good to know who your friends are. (Bt) I’ll let you know when I find out.

Jane : (smirking) Sure, you say that now. But just wait. You’ll come crawling back…

Daria : You gonna break my legs now?

Jane : Don’t tempt me.


Cut to later that night. Daria is sitting on her bed, staring at the closet. Something catches her eye, and she walks over towards the closet and picks up a towel and stares at it for a second.

Begin flashback sequence

Daria’s room, night of the party. The door opens as a dressed-up Daria and a rather wet Tom walk through the door.

Daria : Just have a seat. I’ll go find a towel.

Tom : Thanks

Daria : Oh, and if anyone comes looking for the makeout room …

Tom : I’ll get you a good price


Daria smirks as she leaves the room. She comes back shortly with a familiar looking towel.

Daria : Here you go.

Tom : Great. (takes off shirt and starts to dry off) Next time you go tilting at windmills, warn me to wear a raincoat?

Daria : Whatever you say, Sancho…

Tom : Hey! (looks a little nervous) Um, Daria?

Daria : Yes?

Tom : Uh, my pants are wet too, you know

Daria : And? (Bt) Oh. Um, (mumbles)

Tom : Run that by me again?

Daria : (nervously) Go ahead.

Tom : Are you OK with this?

Daria : (with more conviction) Yes, I am. You should dry off.


Tom nervously takes his pants off and starts to dry off. Daria simply stares at him for a few moments, with a look of interest on her face

Tom : Daria? (Bt) Daria?

Daria : (shaking it off) Sorry. (Bt, meekly) Just, um, not what I was expecting from tonight.

Tom : You want I should dance around in my underwear and start singing? I’ll need some sunglasses and a ladel.

Daria : (smirking) Don’t bother. I don’t have a webcam.

Tom : (concerned) You saw?

Daria : Yep. Let me see those clothes. (Bt) I’ll see if I can get them washed for you.


Daria leaves the room carrying Tom’s clothing. Fade to later, as Daria comes in wearing a disgusted expression. As the camera pans around, we see Tom is now in Daria’s bed, under the covers.

Tom : Daria? You OK? (Bt) Anybody home?

Daria : (shell-shocked) Ewww….

Tom : Um, I could leave

Daria : You’d think the pads would chafe…

Tom : Um, Daria? (Bt, forcefully) Daria?

Daria : Huh? (Bt) Oh, sorry.

Tom : You OK over there?

Daria : I suppose (Bt, sigh) Well, I made it to the laundry room

Tom : (warily) OK…

Daria : Kevin beat me to it. (Bt) Did you know that he always wears those stupid pads?

Tom : Always?

Daria : Even when he’s, um, …

Tom : Ewww…

Daria : Yup. My thoughts exactly. (Bt) Um, if you don’t mind a change of subject, (Tom nods) why are you in my bed?

Tom : Um, your sister came looking for you. I figured that she probably shouldn’t find me here in my underwear, so I got under the covers and said that I had a headache.

Daria : And me?

Tom : You were looking for aspirin.

Daria : Works for me. (Bt) Excuse me. I’d like to slip into something more comfortable.

Tom : (jokingly) Want any help?

Daria : After what I just saw, no. (shudders, walks into the closet)


Daria emerges wearing her nightshirt and proceeds to take out her contacts. Finished, she puts on her glasses and heads to bed

Daria : Up for a bit of TV until I can get into the laundry room without throwing up?

Tom : Sure. (Bt) What’s on?

Daria : Lets see… Titanic (Bt) No (Bt) Waif Fashion Extravaganza (Bt) No (Bt) Shawshank Redemption. Tom?

Tom : Sounds good to me…


Zoom out on Daria and Tom sitting under the covers watching the movie, making comments to each other periodically.

Cut to later in the night. Tom and Daria are now slumped over, and are half watching the movie and half asleep

Still later, the same night. Both Tom and Daria are asleep now. A loud commercial rouses Daria enough to turn off the TV before she goes back to sleep.

End Flashback


Daria : (still holding towel, but smiling somewhat) It would appear that we didn’t. Thank God. (Bt) Note to self. Never trust the refrigerator when Quinn has a party.


Daria walks back towards her bed, throwing the towel off to the side. She is about to sit down, when she turns with a flash of frightened inspiration

Helen (VO) : (loudly) Daria! (Bt, getting closer) Daria! (Bt) Why were Tom’s pants in the laundry room?

Daria : Aw, hell…


Zoom out and fade to credits