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REQUIEM FOR A LIGHTWEIGHT Daria fan-fiction by Um, a.k.a. A. Benard This teleplay is a work of fiction, featuring characters and situations and trademarks from the television program Daria, owned by Viacom, Inc. No claim is made on those characters, situations or trademarks. This work may be distributed freely on condition that it remains intact, proper credit is given and that no financial gain is made.
Short description: Daria just isn't her old self, at a loss upon finding the world suddenly less sick and sad. This story theoretically fits somewhere in Season 5, and assumes that Daria and Tom remain together. * * * I. 1. EST. SHOT: EXT. MORGENDORFFER HOME in mid-afternoon. DARIA, with book bag, turns off the sidewalk and approaches the house, stopping at the front door. SFX: Opening credit music fades. LS: INT. MORGENDORFFER HOME, the front door dimly lit through drawn curtains. SFX: Key in lock, door opens. DARIA: Hello? Quinn? Anybody? DARIA enters, closes door behind her, hits a light switch and slings book-bag at foot of stairs. SFX: Klunk! CU: DARIA DARIA: Ahh...finally, an afternoon of neglect and abandonment. (glances up as if at unseen wall clock) Dad's not lurking about at four in the afternoon, for once. LS: "COUCH SHOT" from POV of TV. DARIA enters from right, passes in front of couch, picks up remote, points it at TV. SFX: TV random promo chatter during commercial break. DARIA pushes button several times to find the right station. SFX: different random promo chatter as DARIA sets remote on couch and moves off left to kitchen. SFX: Rustling in kitchen. Shortly thereafter SFX: TV, a game show starts, bad theme music under. ANNOUNCER (TV VO): Welcome to Stab for Cash! In which three contestants match wits to earn the chance to stab our pile of hundred dollar bills with a stick! Whatever makes it into the magic bag, they keep! But watch out for that counterfeit! Now, here's your host, Bob Day! DARIA enters left with a soda and a bag of chips. SFX: TV level drops to a babble, following game-show patter of hosts voice and contestants' introductions, interspersed with applause and cheering. DARIA: Huh? What the...? DARIA sits in left center of couch, sets down food and grabs the remote. SFX TV changes up one channel, back down to game show, volume comes up. CU TV: STAB FOR CASH set, HOST's podium. HOST: --day's categories are... (cut to graphics of category titles) Hit Movies... Sports Stars... 80s Teen Idols... and Fashion Models. Jenny, you're up first. MS: DARIA on couch. SFX: TV under.
DARIA: Oh-kayyyy...right channel, wrong universe. Where the hell is Sick, Sad World?! DARIA leans forward and picks up TV World magazine from coffee table, and begins flipping through it -- first calmly, then more feverishly. CU: MAGAZINE. On the cover we read: "Game Shows Win the Jackpot...Again!" SFX: Telephone rings. MS: DARIA. DARIA: (increasingly desperate) No...this can't be happening...okay, they moved it again or something...different channel? (growing more intense -- phone continues ringing.) Late night? Over-night? Weekends? DARIA'S hand shoots out and grabs portable phone, talks while riffling through the magazine's pages. DARIA: WHAT?! MS: JANE'S BEDROOM. JANE is seated in front of her TV on the edge of the bed. JANE: (annoyed and squeaking) Yo! Chill out, Miss Manners! Is that any way to answer the phone? SPLIT SCREEN: DARIA/JANE. DARIA: Huh? Oh, hi.... (continues pawing through the magazine) JANE: Jeez, what's going on over there? Quinn steal a metacarpal out of your bone collection to fashion a missing sweater button? DARIA: (throws magazine to the side in disgust, sighs deeply) No, I think this is actually far, far worse. JANE: Well, since I can hear the dulcet tones of Bob Day in the background, I think I can guess at the problem. DARIA: (nearly whining, believe it or not) What is this crap? Where's Sick, Sad World?! CU: JANE on telephone. JANE: Uh, it's as bad as you think, mi amiga. They cancelled it, at least here in Lawndale. DARIA (VO over telephone): WHAT?! JANE: (JANE winces and pulls the phone away from her ear) Hey, what did we say about phone etiquette? I need this ear for listening to music too loud. CU: DARIA on phone. DARIA: (upset) How could it happen? It's been on since I was a kid! SFX door opens, closes, klunk of a book-bag. QUINN enters through the front door out of frame. That show's a public service, like electricity, or felons picking up garbage on the side of the road! QUINN calls out during DARIA's previous line. QUINN: Hellooo! MS: JANE on phone, on bed. We see a newspaper next to her. JANE: Sorry, it's all true. It's in the paper. (picks up the Lawndale Sun-Herald -- we can see it's the Arts section). "WLDL-TV premieres another of the new wave of game shows -- Stab for Cash-- today at 4 p.m. Program Director Gregory Pickering said the show, in which contestants match wits LS: "COUCH SHOT," MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM. QUINN enters from left holding a soda, moves behind couch and sits down next at far right end, away from DARIA. JANE continues reading on the phone underneath. JANE (VO over telephone) (continuous): for the honor of poking a big pile of money with a stick, was part of a shakeup intended to improve ratings leading up to the evening news. Long-time afternoon staple Sick, Sad World departs, another victim of the trend away from reality programming." QUINN picks up remote and turns up the sound. DARIA shoots her a look. DARIA: Wait a minute -- the world has clearly gone mad. You're reading from the TV column, and used "metacarpal" in a sentence. Where's the real Jane Lane? Where's my show?! MS: JANE on phone. Picks up remote, starts flipping channels. JANE: You of all people to get down on someone for improving herself through reading. (to induce guilt, playfully) I've had a lot of time on my hands, lately.... DARIA (VO over telephone): (ignores the jibe) Well, I know that video vignettes of losers doing silly things and sensational quasi-news isn't exactly highbrow, but what kind of imbecile watches all these monotonous game-- QUINN (VO over telephone): No, no, no! Christy MS: "COUCH SHOT" MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM. Quinn leans forward, hollering at the TV. QUINN (continuous): Turlington! Christy Turling-- oh, my God! Everybody knows that! SPLIT SCREEN DARIA/JANE: Both are dumbstruck for three beats. DARIA: (slowly) I gotta-- JANE: --come on over, yeah, before you break a blood vessel. Or someone else's. JANE'S side of the split screen slides off as they hang up. Shot of DARIA widens to take in QUINN, clearly enjoying herself. QUINN: (reaching for the phone) Good, you're off the phone. I've got to tell the Fashion Club about this show! Imagine, Fashion Models as a category! I can't believe you had the good taste to watch it -- isn't it time for that Sicky Show, whatever-it-is? After a beat, DARIA, furious, suddenly stands and points a finger at QUINN, who cringes. DARIA: Just...just...stay away from my metacarpals, bitch! DARIA stalks off, brushing past QUINN's legs, bumping the coffee table and knocking over her soda. We hear the door slam. A nail holding up one corner of the bizarre painting behind the couch comes loose and it swings down. QUINN still cringes, phone in her hand. QUINN: What-ever, psycho. SFX: Groovy generic scene transition music.
I. 2. EST. SHOT: EXT. LANE HOME. INT. LANE HOME. MS: JANE, still on her bed, still watching Stab for Cash. SFX: transition music cuts with door banging open -- JANE jumps. LS: Low-angle shot of DARIA in doorway. Focus-pull effect in and up to CU of DARIA's scowling face (maybe with SFX: Horror movie "sting"?) during next line: DARIA: Turn...it....off! TWO SHOT: JANE and space on bed. DARIA enters shot and sits down. JANE: (hits the remote, mutters as DARIA crosses) Whatever, psycho. (DARIA just sits there. JANE looks at her for a bit.) JANE: You're not well, are you? (DARIA just sits there) I'm going to have to call in the authorities if this keeps up. DARIA: (turns slowly and looks at JANE) I-- (turns away from JANE and just sits there some more) JANE: (after a bit) Hoo, boy. This is bad. (a beat) Seriously, you're starting to scare me. CU: DARIA DARIA: (deep sigh -- she is miserable) Okay. I tried to come up with a witty rejoinder, but I just can't. And all the way over here, I tried to plot some way to outwit my enemy, but in this case, I'm at a loss. CU: JANE JANE: Wha? XCU: DARIA'S eyes, squinting with hatred. DARIA: Television programming executives. They're greedy, they're evil, and they just don't give a damn what we think. TWO SHOT: DARIA and JANE. A beat, then JANE moves slightly away from DARIA on the bed. JANE: Ooooh-kayyyy. Look, Daria, I'm bummed out, too. Sick Sad World gave us a lot of good times. We laughed, we mocked, we thanked God we weren't on it. But all good things must come-- DARIA: (jumps up) No! Don't say it! I'm not going down without a fight! LS: 90 degrees from previous shot. DARIA starts pacing to-and-fro across room from door to bed, pounding her fist in her hand. There must be something we can do! JANE: (three beats -- to herself) This wouldn't be a good time to mention that it's just a TV show, would it? (Daria continues pacing.) SFX: Groovy transition music up.
I. 3. EST. SHOT: SLOANE HOME. LS: INT. SLOANE HOME -- TV ROOM. ANGIER SLOANE (Tom's dad -- hereinafter MR. SLOANE) sits on the couch, watching TV. SFX: Music under and out -- TV is playing Stab for Cash's final minutes underneath. TOM enters. TOM: Oh, hi, Dad. Didn't expect to find you lurking about at four in the afternoon. MR. SLOANE: (smiles) Hi, Tom. No, in fact, I'm working, in a way. TOM: (crosses and sits next to MR. SLOANE) Working on what, reducing your attention span? That's a game show, isn't it? CU: MR. SLOANE MR. SLOANE: (rolls eyes) Now, son, we talked about that superior attitude of yours. Not everyone appreciates it. (gestures to the TV) Plenty of people watch this show, and most of them have money, and some of them make decisions on how to spend it based on commercials they see on WLDL. CU: TOM TOM: Oh, that TV station your holding company just bought? TWO SHOT: MR. SLOAN and TOM MR. SLOAN: Yeah. (stretches back, quite proud of himself) Since buying it was my idea, the other board members asked me to keep an eye on how things are going. TOM: (smirks) Nice work, if you can get it. As for how the station's going, CU: TV, WOMAN frantically stabbing a giant pile of bills with a stick, the kind felons use to pick up trash along the highway. it looks like it's going to follow the herd and give the teeming millions another gimmicky game show in which Average Joe attempts to answer simple trivia questions for the honor of humiliating himself in public for money. CU: MR. SLOAN, looking in TOM'S direction. MR. SLOANE: (a beat -- dryly) Running more game shows was one of my suggestions to the general manager, actually. CU: TOM TOM: (sheepishly) Um....oh.
MS: MR. SLOANE and TOM. SFX: TV seems to get louder in the awkward silence that follows. BOB DAY (VO TV): Well, let's count up your booty, Jenny... SFX: Studio audience cheers. Oh, I'm sorry, but -- you stabbed the counterfeit! SFX: Audience groans. SFX: Phone rings. TOM: (jumps up immediately) I'll get it! (rushes out) MR. SLOANE: (shakes his head, plays with the remote) I thought that artist he was seeing was a little odd...but that Morgendorffer girl's 'tude is really starting to rub off on him. LS: TOM walks up to the ringing phone perched upon a tiny table, next to a chair in the hallway (which is how classy people place their phones, I'm told) and answers it. TOM: Hello? INT. JANE'S ROOM. TWO SHOT: DARIA in foreground on the phone, excited, with Jane sitting behind her, holding her head in one hand and grimacing in pain for the humiliation through which her friend is about to put herself. DARIA: Tom! Come over, I need your help! I'm going to start a petition drive! SFX: End act music: Public Enemy, "Fight the Power." DISSOLVE to bumper. **** II. 1. EXT. LANE HOME. LS: TOM at JANE'S front door. He is about to push the doorbell when JANE whips the door open. JANE: (impatient) Thank God you're here. (pulls TOM in the door) INT. LANE HOME, FRONT DOORWAY. MS: TOM stumbles in. TOM: Okay, what the hell is going on? Is Daria okay? JANE: (completely serious) No. TOM: (stricken) What was she babbling about on the phone? "The Show?" What -- JANE'S hand shoots out and cover's TOM'S mouth. CU: JANE. JANE: Okay, look, Mr. Sensitive. Here's the skinny, slowly and in words of one syllable. They cancelled "Sick, Sad World," and Daria's pretty unhappy. CU: TOM. TOM: (muffled -- confused) Mick Maa Morl-- CU: JANE. JANE: (sharply) Hesh. This is serious. She's-- (glances off in direction of staircase, as Daria is in Jane's room -- whispers) She's totally overreacting. I can't figure out why, but she's absolutely unhinged by this. So, here's what we're gonna do. CU: TOM. TOM: (muffled) Moud mou make mour mann moff my mouff, meese? MS: TOM and JANE. JANE: (distracted) Oh, all right. (removes hand) We're going to play along with whatever she wants to do, even if it's something extremely goofy and potentially incredibly embarrassing -- like asking people at school to sign a petition. TOM: (shocked) Why? JANE: (as if to a slow child) Because she's my friend, and your -- whatever -- and that's what you do when someone's flipping out -- even if it's over nothing. (as an aside) And besides, I'm a-skeered to get in her way.... CU: TOM TOM: C'mon, this is Daria! The poster child for ironic detachment! It should be fairly easy to show her that she's taking this too serious-- (winces at the sound of Daria's voice) DARIA: (panicked, and it sounds damn eerie) TOM! Are you down there?! CU: JANE JANE: (whispers, dead serious) So, we play along, see? Because while I dislike threatening violence.... CU: TOM TOM: (whispers, peeved) Easy, killer. (shouts up the stairs) Yeah! LS: TOM starts walking toward the staircase. JANE stays put. TOM turns around. TOM: Uh, aren't you-- JANE: (evil look -- a flip of the hand) Shoo, shoo, Casanova...this is boyfriend-type work.
II. 2. INT. JANE'S ROOM. MS: POV from behind JANE'S computer, where DARIA is reading. DARIA: (calls to Tom) Get up here! (clicks the mouse, reads. says to herself) Damn right! (Clicks the mouse, reads.) Absolutely. SHOT WIDENS to take in TOM, who has just entered. He lays a caring hand on her shoulder. TOM: Searching for bomb-making recipes? DARIA: (totally focused) Nah, I've already bookmarked those. (excited) I found a Sick, Sad World bulletin board, and I posted my petition. We'll be getting signatures all over town! TOM: (forced enthusiasm) Uhhhhh....great! MS: 90 degrees toward room door from last shot. TOM backs up as DARIA rises to take paper from the printer. DARIA: Yeah, here's yours. No, take two...I only had room for 35 names. (a beat, then suddenly grabs TOM in a hug -- trying really hard to not crack) Oh, Tom, I'm... I'm... TOM: (comforting) It's okay... CU: DARIA. SFX: Phone rings. DARIA: (upset) How could they cancel it? And replace it with some stupid game show?! CU: TOM TOM: Shhh....It's o-- (stiffens) Uh, game show? CU: DARIA DARIA: (bitter) And the worst, gimmicky kind...something about the shameless competing to pick up money with a stick. CU: TOM TOM: (look of true pain crosses his face) Oh. JANE (VO): Break it up, I'm tryin' to eat. MS: JANE is standing in the doorway, eating cold pizza. (matter of fact) Daria, Helen's on the phone, and she's wicked pissed. CU: DARIA DARIA: (look of true pain crosses her face) Oh.
II. 3. EST. SHOT: EXT. MORGENDORFFER HOME. SFX: Tools jumbling about in a tool box. QUINN is sniveling in the background. CU: JAKE'S hand rummaging through a disorganized tool box containing a hammer, a cardboard strip with thumbtacks stuck on it in rows, a jar full of various screws, a screw driver, and various bubble-packs of fasteners. INT. MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM. MS: Jake on his knees in front of tool box below the weird picture, which is still hanging from one nail. JAKE: Dammit! I know I've got some countersinks in here, somewhere. Ow! JAKE puts his thumb in his mouth. HELEN steps into the shot. HELEN: Jake, you know you aren't good at this sort of thing. JAKE: (removes thumb) I can put a picture hanger in a wall, Helen, I'm not completely clueless. CU: HELEN looking down at JAKE. HELEN: We just don't want a repeat of the kitchen light episode, do we?
CU: JAKE JAKE: (mutters) Boy, you nearly kill just ONE of their children and they WON'T let it drop! (puts thumb back in mouth) QUINN (VO): (out of frame) MOM! JAKE: (startled, bites his thumb) OW! MS: QUINN looking out the front picture window as DARIA and TOM pull up in TOM's car. QUINN: (fake but convincing sniveling, as if she's been horribly wounded) Your evil daughter is home.
II. 4. EXT. TOM's CAR. MS: Through the windshield of TOM'S car. TOM: (smiles, shakes head) I still can't believe you called her a-- DARIA: Look, it's bad enough I lost my cool, and will probably be paying for it for weeks, and that she didn't deserve it...this time.... Just kiss me good, because if I can't make the next five minutes go the way I want them to, I probably won't be seeing you for a while. TOM: I shall do my best. (they move toward one another -- scene ends before they kiss)
II. 5. INT. MORGEDORFFER LIVING ROOM. MS: QUINN standing next to HELEN, both with their arms crossed, awaiting DARIA. QUINN: (still sniveling) I swear, Mom, I wasn't doing anything...she just attacked me! HELEN: All right, Quinn, I understood it the first six times you said it. (yells) JAKE! Get in here! JAKE (VO): (yells from kitchen) Where's that ice pack? SFX: THUD! (QUINN and HELEN flinch.) JAKE (VO): (yells) OW! Damned frozen lasagna! MS: DARIA enters through front door. DARIA: (contrite) Uh, hi. QUINN: (pouts) Don't "Uh hi" me, psycho. HELEN: (exasperated) Quinn, would you please stop calling your sister names and let me punish your sister for name-calling? MS: KITCHEN DOOR -- JAKE hops in holding an ice pack on his thumb and balancing a bag of frozen vegetables on his bare foot. JAKE: Dammit, Daria! You know how we feel about swearing in this house! What the hell were you thinking? CU: HELEN HELEN: (rolls eyes) Jake, you're not helping. CU: DARIA DARIA: Everyone...listen. I know what I did was wrong. MS: HELEN, JAKE AND QUINN stop and listen, somewhat shocked. MS: DARIA walks up to QUINN and holds out her hands palms up. QUINN nearly shrinks away. DARIA: I was mad about something else that was very painful and that I don't want to discuss, and I took it out on you, Quinn. I apologize. MS: HELEN reaction shot -- can't believe it. CU: DARIA turns to HELEN and JAKE. DARIA: Mom, Dad... I accept whatever punishment you feel is appropriate. MS: HELEN and JAKE turn their heads and look at each other, speechless. CU: QUINN QUINN: (shifts her eyes to the side, thinking hard -- blurts out) It's a trick. CU: HELEN HELEN: (annoyed) Quinn, your sister just did a very humbling and human thing, and you think it's a trick?! Just accept the apology! MS: QUINN and DARIA QUINN: (stunned-- grumbles) Uh, s'okay. (a beat, then to HELEN) You aren't going to make us hug, are you? CU: HELEN HELEN: (deep sigh) Oh, God forbid. (to Daria, thinking fast) No television for a week. And watch your temper. DARIA: Okay. I'm going to my room. LS: DARIA exits up the stairs. QUINN: (to HELEN) That's it? No TV?! Why don't you take away her desert, too?! QUINN runs up the stairs to her room. Well, it's not on me if she climbs some clock tower with a trunk full of rifles or whatever! SFX: Door slams. MS: HELEN and JAKE. Behind them, the remaining nail comes loose and the weird painting falls to the floor. SFX: Klunk! JAKE: (looking down at his foot) Hey, I didn't know we had pea pods! HELEN: (to herself) And they wonder why I spend so much time at work.
II. 6. INT. DARIA's ROOM. LS: DARIA sitting on her bed, facing her TV, staring at the floor, looking dejected. DARIA: Well, it worked. MS: Straight on at DARIA. DARIA: So why am I not pleased with myself? Would it have anything to do with having to admit I've lost control to Quinn? DARIA looks up at the TV. REVERSE SHOT: TV POV DARIA. REVERSE SHOT: DARIA on bed. That I've lost control? (a beat -- rueful) Heh...what was your first clue? Talking to yourself? (sighs deeply)
II. 7. INT. QUINN's ROOM. LS: Quinn paces, steaming mad. QUINN: No TV...I was shooting for grounded for at least two weeks! QUINN stops and looks at a photo on her desk. CU: QUINN's hand snatches up a family photo from her desk. MS over-the-shoulder: QUINN points and looks at photo, addressing DARIA's image. QUINN: This isn't over...bitch! SFX: End act music: The Smiths "Unhappy Birthday" (I've come to wish you wish you an unhappy birthday / because you're evil and you lie / and if you should die / I may be slightly sad, but I won't cry....) DISSOLVE to bumper. * * *
III. I. SICK, SAD WORLD title card. SFX: Sick, Sad World promo music. TV SCREEN: INT. GARAGE. LS: Weeping man sitting in a running car. SSW ANNOUNCER: Are disappointed TV fanatics taking the pipe upon hearing their favorite show's been cancelled? Exhaust Fans, next on Sick Sad World. LS: INT. BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD's living room. FAT DARIA, a creature composed of 35-year-old DARIA's head on Mrs. Johanssen's body, with dark circles under her eyes, lounges on the couch, cigarette in one hand, beer in the other, watching TV. FAT DARIA: Hey, Red! RED! CU: FAT DARIA FAT DARIA: Dammit, Red! I'm outta candy bars! Go run to the store! MS: 35-year-old SLEAZIER UPCHUCK at the kitchen table, in his boxer shorts and a sleeveless tee-shirt, on the phone. SLEAZIER UPCHUCK: Go to the store yourself, jumbo. CU: SLEAZIER UPCHUCK Since you just watch TV day and night, I've decided to ask this stranger on a 900-line what she's wearing...grrrrowl! Feisty! CU: FAT DARIA FAT DARIA: (to herself) Whatever, psycho. (hits the remote) TV EST. SHOT: TALK SHOW SET. The extremely glamorous, 33-year-old FAMOUS QUINN is being interviewed. SFX: Applause fades out. TV CU: INTERVIEWER INTERVIEWER: Quinn, has your wealth and fame as a fashion designer been at all tempered by tabloid reports that your sister -- brilliant in her youth -- has degenerated into an obese, TV-obsessed drunk? TV CU: FAMOUS QUINN. FAMOUS QUINN: (struggling to be strong) You know, Jay, it's so cruel that they print these lies...especially when I can prove my sister was killed fifteen years ago in a freak water-skiing accident. MS: FAT DARIA FAT DARIA: (throws beer can at the TV) Skinny bitch! INT. DARIA's ROOM. MS: DARIA in bed, grimacing. Sweating and breathing heavily, her eyes suddenly open wide.
III. 2. EST SHOT: EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH. SFX: Bell rings. INT. HALLWAY, LAWNDALE HIGH. LS: DARIA AND JANE walking. DARIA carries a clipboard. JANE: Look, I think it's great that you've actually found a cause to support to the point that you'd pass a petition, but-- MS: DARIA and JANE walking through the hall. DARIA: (sighs) Okay, I know this is kind of goofy, but I really want to do this. I want to show those TV bozos that people want Sick, Sad World back on the air. It's important. CU: JANE JANE: (to herself) I gotta read the paper more often...I missed where Amnesty International announced that all the political prisoners were freed. MS: DARIA and JANE: DARIA: I heard that. Here. JANE: (sighs -- not happy) This would be my petition to fill, eh? LS: DARIA stops walking, snatches the paper back. DARIA: (pissed) Hey, thanks a lot for your support, pal. (stalks off) CU: JANE JANE: (through gritted teeth) She's your friend...she's your friend...she's your friend.... SFX: Groovy transition music
III. 3. SFX: Groovy transition music under and out. POV: DARIA. We see her hand, holding out the petition for people to sign. The characters appear as they talk to DARIA, with a flash-frame of black in between each. BRITTANY: (twirls hair) Gosh, Daria, I'd like to help you out, but I don't think I could support something that was sick and sad. DEMARTINO: (signing petition) I'm only DOING this, Daria, because you are the ONLY student in my class who can write in complete SENTENCES, and I've got a policy of coddling brilliant but DISTURBED students. JODIE: I really should be above this, but -- where were you when I was petitioning for more money for the junior prom budget? KEVIN: (signing petition) Yeah, as the QB, I have to agree it is wrong when a league gets rid of the fair-catch rule.... Hey, I didn't know you watched football, Daria! ANDREA: (stares, confused) I thought you were smart or something? MACK: Yeah, what's up, Daria? POV DARIA: MACK drifts out of the frame as DARIA turns and walks away. MACK (VO): Hey, Daria? What did you want?
III. 4. EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH. LS: DARIA sitting on the front steps, staring at her clip board. CU: CLIPBOARD shows two signatures. CU: DARIA looking bummed. LS: QUINN, SANDI, TIFFANY, and STACY are standing in a gaggle some distance away, looking at DARIA. SANDI: Quinn, isn't that your cousin, or something? MS: FASHION CLUB I heard she's passing a petition to keep some lame tabloid TV show on the air. QUINN: (laughing it off) San-di, did I say she was my cousin? I think she's being reintroduced to mainstream school after a head injury, or something. STACY: Oooh, poor girl! SANDI: (shoots STACY a look) Well, she had to have been hit in the head to do something so stupid. TIFFANY: Yeah....stupid.... CU: QUINN QUINN: (evil smirk) Hey, I've got an idea... MS: FASHION CLUB huddles, whispers.
III. 5. MS: DARIA is still sitting, staring at the clipboard. A shadow falls over her. DARIA looks up. LOW ANGLE MS: SANDI, STACY, TIFFANY. SANDI: Uh, girl with glasses, or whatever? Can we sign your petition? REVERSE ANGLE CU: DARIA, deeply suspicious. DARIA: You're kidding, right? LOW-ANGLE MS: SANDI, STACY, TIFFANY. STACY: Oh, no! We loved that show! It was so funny and...and....er.... TIFFANY: Ionic... STACY: Yeah! CU: SANDI SANDI: (looks at STACY and TIFFANY as if they're drooling idiots) Yeah, really ironic. MS: DARIA stands and hands over the petition. All three scribble on it in turn. DARIA: Well...sure...although, I never saw you three as being fans of Sick, Sad World...I guess I didn't know you as well as I thought I did...well, I appreciate it a lot... CU: SANDI SANDI: (finishes writing -- too fast) Yeah, right. (hands back petition) Well, gotta go. LS: All three rush off. DARIA from the side as she looks down at the clipboard. SANDI, STACI and TIFFANY start giggling as DARIA reads: CU: CLIPBOARD (written on three of the signature lines) ALL HAIL THE QUEEN OF THE DORKS MS: DARIA looks up to see MS: THE FASHION CLUB walking away laughing. Still walking, QUINN turns and looks at DARIA. CU: QUINN, with the most evil smirk ever on her face, gives DARIA the finger.
III. 6. EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH. LS: DARIA, seen from the side, stands at the curb of the driveway. The clipboard is under her arm, and she is tearing up the petition pages, scattering them in the gutter. TOM's car drives up. MS: Through the windshield of TOM's car as he drives DARIA home. TOM: It didn't go well, I take it. DARIA: (miserable) You could say that. (They sit in silence.) LS: TOM's car drives through the frame. LS: TOM's car pulls up before the MORGENDORFFER HOME. MS: Through the windshield of TOM's car. TOM and DARIA sit in silence. TOM: (he can stand it no longer -- sighs) Daria, I know you're disappointed, but, CU: TOM, head turned towards DARIA TOM (continuous): well, don't you think you've kind of lost perspective here? CU POV TOM: DARIA turns her head and looks at TOM. CU POV DARIA TOM: I mean...it's just a TV show, right? POV TOM CU: DARIA says nothing. A beat. XCU: DARIA's eyes. A tear forms. MS: Through TOM's windshield. DARIA quickly opens the door, gets out and runs to her house. TOM: (bangs his head on the steering wheel) Aw, crap. SFX: Somber scene transition music.
III. 7. EST. SHOT: EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH. SFX: Somber transition music under and out. INT. O'NEILL's CLASSROOM. LS: O'NEILL standing before his desk O'NEILL: So, though the subject matter is certainly -- disturbing -- we can see the purpose of tragedy as a literary form through the story of Oedipus. CU: O'NEILL
The likeable protagonist -- through some human flaw -- sows the seeds of his own downfall and, thereby, experiences catharsis and comes to a greater understanding of life. MS: JANE AND DARIA JANE: (to DARIA, trying to cheer her up) But he probably would have been happier with copy of "Dating: Do's and Don'ts" instead. DARIA, clearly depressed, looks and JANE and just turns away. JANE sighs and shakes her head. SFX: Bell rings. LS: Kids get up to leave. CU: O'NEILL O'NEILL: (to everyone) Please read pages 188-220 for tomorrow... (to DARIA) Daria, may I speak with you? MS: DARIA. She shrugs, walks over to O'NEILL. MS: DARIA and O'NEILL. O'NEILL: Now, normally, I don't inquire about your attitude because it just brings threatening mail from your mother, but you were out for three days, and returned looking so...sad. Are you okay? CU: DARIA (sighs, rolls her eyes as she thinks of what to say) Uh, well, I suffered a loss. CU: O'NEILL O'NEILL: Oh, dear...my condolences... someone in your family? MS: DARIA AND O'NEILL DARIA: Ah, no, more like a...friend, I guess. O'NEILL: My goodness...did you travel have to travel for the service? DARIA: Well, there really wasn't one... CU: O'NEILL O'NEILL: What a shame...I know some people have modern ideas, and don't feel the need for rituals, like wakes and funerals...but they really are important. CU: DARIA O'NEILL: It's as we were discussing in class just now -- people really need that cathartic moment to let go of their pain, and sense of loss. DARIA: (the light bulb goes on -- a beat) Mr. O'Neill, may I speak frankly? CU: O'NEILL O'NEILL: Certainly. CU: DARIA DARIA: What you've said has really helped me a lot, and I'm going to act on it. CU: O'NEILL O'NEILL: (overjoyed) That's...that's wonderful, Daria! MS: DARIA and O'NEILL DARIA: For once, your advice wasn't a bunch of mindless, new-age psychobabble, and I thank you. (walks out) O'NEILL: It really feels good to hear that, Daria, and I hope -- (realizes what she said) Hey!
III. 8. EST. SHOT: EXT. SLOANE HOME INT. SLOANE HOME. LS: Tom stands before the door to MR. SLOANE's study. TOM: (to himself) I can't believe I'm doing this... (knocks) MR. SLOANE (VO): Yes? MS: MR. SLOANE seated at his desk. Tom enters and stands on the other side. TOM: Hi, Dad. Um... MR. SLOANE: Yes? TOM: (very uncomfortable) Well, you know that show that used to be on your station...Sick Sad World? MR. SLOANE: Yes?
CU: TOM TOM: Well, I was wondering-- SFX: Doorbell. TOM: (relieved) I'll get it! (runs out) LS: SLOANE HOME front hallway. Tom trots up to door and opens it. MS: JANE framed in the front door, holding a lead pipe which she is smacking down on her open palm. CU: TOM, holding door. TOM: Uh, hi? MS: JANE JANE: Get in the car, dumbass.
III. 9. MS: Through the windshield of TRENT'S CAR. TRENT is driving, JANE -- holding her pipe at parade rest -- rides shotgun, TOM in the back. TOM: Trent, what's going on?! TRENT: We're kidnapping you, I guess. TOM: Where are we going? TRENT: Daria's house. TOM: Oh, boy... JANE: And you are going to behave yourself, or (shakes pipe) you'll be wearing this for a hat, loverboy.
III. 11. EST. SHOT: EXT. MORGENDORFFER HOME. TRENT's car pulls up. LS: TOM's CAR from the front. JANE gets out and opens the backseat. JANE: Get out. We're going around back for the ceremony. TOM: (gets out of the car) Ceremony? What kind? TRENT joins them, carrying a guitar. They start walking toward the house. TRENT: A funeral. CU: TOM reaction shot -- totally confused. LS: DARIA, wearing a black dress and veil not unlike that seen in JANE's vision during cheerleader tryouts, stands in her backyard next to a fairly large hole dug in the ground, a pile of earth with a shovel stuck in it, and her television. JANE, TOM and TRENT walk into the frame. DARIA: Hi, Tom, Trent. Thanks for coming. MS: TOM, with JANE and TRENT next to him. TOM: (sheepish) Hi. How are-- JANE: (pokes TOM in the back with the pipe) Quiet, we're starting. SFX: TRENT starts playing a quiet, folky song. MS: DARIA, turned 1/4 screen left, staring straight ahead. Shot slowly trucks in to a CU during monologue. DARIA: (deep breath) I come not to bury TV, but to praise it. As a child, it showed me a world of people worse off than me, and I took perverse comfort in that. It was there when I needed it. It wasn't at law school, trying to pay a mortgage, or collecting Hello, Kitty paraphernalia. Maybe I got too attached -- that's not TV's fault, it's mine. Now Sick, Sad World is gone, and more's the better. Losing it revealed a person I'd rather not be. (looks over at JANE, TRENT and TOM) MS: JANE, TRENT and TOM watch DARIA in quiet wonder. CU: DARIA DARIA: (to her TV) Adieu. CU: DARIA's Doc Marten slides the TV into the hole. SFX: Klunk! SFX: Trent stops playing. LS: TRENT hands TOM the guitar, walks over to the hole and starts filling it in. JANE: (tearing up) That was amazing.... MS: TOM, DARIA and JANE DARIA: Don't you mean touching? JANE: (wipes her eye) No...I just had no idea you had that kind of performance piece in you. DARIA: You aren't going to make us hug, are you? JANE: (matter of fact) Oh, God forbid. TOM: Daria... SFX: Quiet piano music. DARIA: (smiles) C'mon, goofball, let's get some pizza. LS: TRENT finishes shoveling -- sticks the shovel in the ground -- and the foursome walks out of frame to the right. The shot holds on the grave. QUINN enters from the left, grabs the shovel, and starts digging. QUINN: (mutters to herself, straining with each shovel full) Sure, give the crazy daughter her own TV, and what does she do? Call me a bitch, will ya? I can't wait until she goes to college.... CLOSING CREDITS. SFX: CLOSING SONG: "Video Killed the Radio Star" by the Buggles.
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