Daria Scenes That Should Not Be 10th Edition Subtitled: "We're Not Proud, or Tired" Compiled and organized by Chris Smith ------------------------------------- atimnie/Decelaraptor ------------------------------------- We walked in, sat down, Helen came in with the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, sat down. Man came in said, "All rise." We all stood up, and Helen stood up with the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures, and the judge walked in sat down with a seeing eye dog, and he sat down, we sat down. Helen looked at the seeing eye dog, and then at the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, and looked at the seeing eye dog. And then at twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one and began to cry, 'cause Helen came to the realization that it was a typical case of American blind justice, and there wasn't nothing she could do about it, and the judge wasn't going to look at the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us. And we was fined $50 and had to pick up the garbage in the snow... Arlo Guthrie rocks Laughing So do you Laughing "You can get anything you want At Morgendorffer's Restaurant..." ------------------------------------- WacoKid/The Angst Guy ------------------------------------- "OK, Daria," Quinn chirped, "Per the terms of our bet, I get to make over your bedroom. And now I'd like you to meet the decorator: Bobby Trendy." As the Asian Liberace wannabe popped out of the closet, Daria began to cry. She had never been so happy in all her life. Except for that night when she shot Jane. ------------------------------------- Roentgen ------------------------------------- Jane Lane waited for Chuck, Luke, and Elizabeth to sit down. Lane and Liz heard some good natured catcalls, but the 99.9 percent male crowd mostly ignored her, preferring to pay attention to the stage. Luke went to get some beer as the strippers cavorted on the catwalk. "Well, now Jane, what do you say?" said Elizabeth. "Thanks for inviting me out. This isn't body art class, is it?" "I wish!" said Chuck. Truth be told, Jane felt quite uncomfortable. Her very first day at BFAC, and she finds out her roommate is Elizabeth...a lesbian! Jane thought she had recovered from the entire Alison business, but as it turned out, she was wrong. Jane, she told herself, if you're going to freak out whenever you meet a lesbian, you ain't gonna make it through BFAC! She then met two close friends of Liz's, Chuck and Luke, both freshmen. And after downing some truly hideous mixed drinks at Chuck's, the four of them were headed off to Cheetah's, Boston's wildest strip bar. Which didn't help Jane's discomfort. However, she suspected that the three others had a bet to see how long it would take for Jane to protest. Which, Jane swore, she would never do. Jane wished that Daria was here - the two of them could joke about the surroundings. After arriving in Boston, she made a bee-line to Daria's apartment, but for some reason, Daria did not answer the door. This left Jane to the mercy of Liz's friends, and she desperately tried to feign interest at the annoying music and silicone-enhanced "talent". The too-loud loudspeaker announced what Jane hoped would be the last of the "dancers". "And now, ladies and gentlemen, you've seen the rest...now see the best ! Cheetah's is proud to present, Cleopatra, Queen of the Nile!! " The lights went down, way down. It was the first time the lights had gone really dark. Motley Crue's "Looks That Kill" blared over the speakers as a smallish, black haired woman sashayed out in high heels. Jane noticed the silicon-free rack on Cleopatra, a big shift in gear. "BOOO!" the crowd shouted. Jane figured they all wanted to see 38DDs and not Cleopatra's more modest set. This gave Jane more of an incentive to pay attention to the dancer. She didn't seem like a natural dancer, but she made up for it in enthusiasm. Clearly, whoever she was, she was talented. Cleopatra grabbed the pole and spun around it with abandon, swaying back and forth with acrobatic kicks. Her heavily made-up eyes caught the attention of every man in the room and sooner or later, everyone (including Liz, Chuck, and Luke) were on their feet, calling for "More! MORE!! MORE!!" The young dancer writhed on the floor, in the throes of some sort of...erotic conniption fit. Cleopatra clutched at herself, as the crowd worked itself into a frenzy, some men stomping on the floor. Currency rained down on the catwalk. The Queen of the Nile came down the catwalk, scooping up the twenties. She smiled at the audience, a Mona Lisa smile that said, "I know something that you don't know" to everyone assembled. Jane froze. "Daria?" That's Daria! I'd recognize that smile anywhere! As the crowd chanted wildly, Jane cupped her hands to her mouth and screamed, "Daria! DARRRRIAAA!!" Cleopatra turned quickly, literally stopping in mid-movement. Her eyes locked with Jane's. The dancer's eyes became as big as silver dollars. "Cleopatra" quickly covered her bare chest with her arms and ran off the stage in her high heels. "Uh...ladies and gentlemen...." apologized the loudspeaker as the angry crowd pelted Jane with pretzels. Jane ignored the angry men, and ran to the stage, pulling herself to the catwalk and running to the backstage in an urgent chase. As Jane's two male companions looked on in amazement, Liz spoke up. "So...is Jane Lane cool or what ?" ------------------------------------- WacoKid/Staren ------------------------------------- "OK, Daria," Quinn chirped, "Per the terms of our bet, I get to make over your bedroom. And now I'd like you to meet the decorator: Bobby Trendy." As the Asian Liberace wannabe popped out of the closet, Daria began to cry. Later that week, Quinn stood in the doorway to her room in pure and total shock. After a few minutes she managed a weak "Wh What happened?" Daria turned around, along with another women who was hot gluing something to the walls. "Well Quinn, You did such a good job on my room I had to return the favor. Quinn, meet Hildi Santo-Tomás". It which point Quinn simply fainted. Hildi wispered to Daria, "Thank that friend of yours for the idea will you." ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor/WacoKid ------------------------------------- Daria dove into the trench too late. The powerful gamma bomb had gone off, the radiation shooting through her as if she wasn't there, mutating and changing her... The radiation-suit clad soldiers advanced on the place the trench had been. "Ms. Lane," said one through his communicater, "I don't think we're going to find her. She was too close to the blast." "Dammit, lieutenat, that was my best friend. There has to be something left, even if it's just ashes. I'll not have you leave her there in that radioactive wasteland we just created." "Sir," said one of the soldiers, "I think I see something through the haze." "My God, what is that?" said another. "It's massive!" said the lieutenant. The giant, green woman with auburn hair and the remnants of underwear keeping her from violating the comic's code stomped forward. She picked up a pair of glasses and tried to put them on. "Lieutenant! What's happening," said Jane. "Can you get me a visual?" "Uhhhhh..." said the lieutenant, as he was caught up in a massive, green fist. "Uh-huh-huh... uh-huh-huh-huh... Me am great Darvisheadholio... me need tp for bunghole... me no get tp for bunghole, Darvisheadholio SMASH PUNY HUMANS!" "Oh, thank the Deity," said Jane as the words came over her reciever, "She's gonna be alright!" "But you're forgetting one thing," she said. "I'm Captain Jane Sparrow." ------------------------------------- Nemo Blank ------------------------------------- “Oh, Quinn. I can’t believe that you could fall for something like that.” Daria looked at the magical paraphernalia and couldn’t help her laughter. “But… a very reputable website said that you could catch a glimpse of your future husband if you did it right!” Angrily, Quinn stood up from her makeshift pentagram. Sandi had sworn that it worked . Quinn had spent all morning laboriously chalking the thing out on the floor of the attic. There was a lit candle at each point, a cup of water and a small hand mirror in the middle. “Is that so? What about the second husband?” Daria saw the anger and embarrassment in her sister and relented. “It’s okay, Quinn. I really do understand. I’ve been feeling a little underappreciated lately myself.” Quinn sighed. “Well, you can try it if you like. I’m going to go take a bath. This attic is dusty.” She swiftly left the scene of her humiliation. Daria shook her head and smiled. Quinn never changed. First angels and now magic. Leaning down to blow out the candles, Daria saw the instructions that Quinn had printed out for the ritual. She picked them up and read. Daria laughed and assumed a properly wizardly mien. “Oh powers of the land, I pray you understand, show a charming maiden the suitors for her hand!” Suddenly the mirror flickered and small pictures of Tom, Trent, David and Upchuck appeared. “Eeeeep!” Daria dropped the instructions and stared, fascinated. Trent was sleeping, Tom was reading, Upchuck was throwing cards into a hat and David was… Daria blushed. The guy was somewhat irritating, dense as lead and always hitting on her after her soc class, but even he didn’t deserve to be spied upon in a magic mirror when he was on the pot. Picking up the paper, Daria read it, swallowed and croaked, “Oh, Powers of the sea, reveal true love to me, show the Charming Maiden how faithful he would be.” The pictures blanked out and then showed Trent in bed with Monique. Trent’s lean body was totally defined and he was covered in a light sheen of sweat. Daria swallowed, feeling upset at him and horny enough to go get him right now. Maybe she could overlook this little incident. The picture flickered and suddenly Trent was back… pistoning into Quinn like a love engine. Daria glared and then pointedly looked away. She didn’t want to see any more. Her mother was probably next. The picture flickered and showed Tom between two pneumatic blondes. This time Daria looked away immediately, feeling nothing but scorn. They were obviously prostitutes. She could see Tom doing that and not thinking a thing of it. The picture flickered and showed David in bed with another man. “What the hell?!” Blushing furiously, Daria averted her eyes. Maybe she should just drop that class. The picture flickered and Daria prepared herself. Upchuck was hugging and kissing a girl. A very young girl. Daria wrinkled her brow. What was he, a child molester? Just as she was about to look away, the little girl let go of him and pulled an older version of herself into the picture. Daria goggled at this seemingly happy family. “Oh no! Not Upchuck! It CAN’T BE!” Snatching up the scroll she steeled herself. “Oh spirits of the sky, show me my ideal guy, the one who’ll be my husband and love me ‘til we die.” Upchuck grinned triumphantly out of the mirror at her. “Crap!” Daria kicked the mirror over and stamped out of the attic. Now she had to try and like Upchuck. At least go on a few dates and try to find the loving husband within. Damn all magic anyway! Stupid mumbo jumbo would have to work… this was worse than the time those idiot holidays had dragged her off to a kegger and left her stranded in Ireland without a passport! In his dorm room, Upchuck laughed and deactivated the empowering circle. He had gone fishing for Quinn, hoping to complete his conquest of the Fashion Club and unexpectedly, he had caught Daria. Either way he was really happy that he had taken up magic back in high school. ------------------------------------- Bacner ------------------------------------- ...As the crowd of orcs ripped through the land, ready to take-on the Rohirrim, one of them whispered nastily to another one: "Travel abroad, find a different job? Jane, you did it again!.." "Hey! No talking on the set?" PJ's voice came from the side. Daria shut her mouth and quietly seethed. "I really hate being an orc." ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor ------------------------------------- Daria shrieked as the too-cold water ran over her, drenching her and her clothing. Cursing, she shut the shower off, whipped back the curtain and stared at what she now considered her former best friend. "Before you say anything, your hangover's better now, isn't it?" said Jane, holding up her hands to ward off any blows. "&%$^ no!" "Funny, it always worked on Trent. Then again, Trent usually slept through the worst of his hangovers." "Great," muttered Daria, getting out of the shower and sitting on the toilet. She pulled her glasses off and handed them to Jane. "Dry these, will you?" "Certainly, amiga." "NOT... ohhhhhhh, Gawd, not with the toilet tissue," she continued with a whisper, massaging her temples. "Use your shirt." Jane complied. "Need a little hair of the dog?" "We don't have any of the ingredients of a Hurricane... do we?" "No, but I can whip you up a Bloody Mary." "Sounds... tasty," she said, turning a slight shade of green. "It's just tomato juice with vodka and tobasco sauce. Tom taught me the way to do it. Works miracles." "Pass. Oh, God, let me live and I'll never do this again." "There are no atheists in the shrine of the porcelein goddess," said Jane with a smile, "anyway, that's what you said last time... and the time before that... and..." "I get the picture, Rhymes with Itch! I didn't really do that with Kevin, did I?" "No, he was too wasted to do anything. However, I think you and Brittany could have been heard all the way over to the quarry." Daria got up, lifted the lid, and knelt. Jane held her hair. "Oh, mighty goddess," said Daria when she'd finished, "thank you for being cool. If you had any sympathy at all, Lane, you'd euthanize me where I kneel..." "With what? Quinn's hair dryer?" Daria's eyes shot open, then closed again. "Don't tell me I'm at home!!!" A knock came on the door. "Daria?" said Helen, "Are you alright in there?" "No, no, no," whimpered Daria, "If she finds out I've been drinking..." "I know, amiga," said Jane with a fearfull look on her face. "... she'll insist on us having one of Dad's patented hangover breakfasts!" "Honey, did you have too much to drink again?" said Helen sympatheticly. "Jakie! Get down to the kitchen and fire up the stove!" "Will do!" he chirped in answer. "We're doomed," said Daria, hitting her head on the bowl. Elsewhere in the house, Quinn smiled wickedly, glad that her high tolerance for pain kept her from the horror of 'Mad Dog's Cure for What Ails Ya." She chirped as she happily went back to sorting the blackmail polaroids of Daria and Brittany, singing, "I'm in the money..." ------------------------------------- drmike/RLobinske ------------------------------------- "Jane, I kissed your boyfriend." Jane hung her head. "Damn, not another one of these." "And, your brother. Well brothers." Jane's eyebrow perked up. "Brothers?" "Father too. I guess I better tell you about kissing your sisters as well. And your mom." "Daria?" "Oh, wait. There was the mailman as well." "Please tell me your joking, Daria." "And the meter reader. And your two cats..." "Now I know you're lying. Nobody's ever seen those cats." Okay, Okay. I made it up." "So what are you covering up, Morgendorffer." "I...I..." "Yes?" "I kissed Ms. Li." "Now I hope you're lying." "Um...." "Daria?" "Well...." "Daria, please tell me you're lying." "She uses a strange mint-garlic toothpaste." "That miserable slut! Mrs. Bennett said she told nobody else about that brand!" 'I knew I had tasted it somewhere else before." Jane sank to her knees. "Please, not the Fuzzy-Wuzzy We-Bits." "You know, I'd have thought that the 'Plushy' lifestyle would've been a bit weird... but when I put on that opossum suit for the first time..." Did you say, opossum?" "Yes. That's the costume I wear." "Daria..." "Yes" "Do you remember a cheatah?" Daria grin lecherously and closed her eyes. "Hmmm. Oh, yes." "You kissed me." "I've always wondered whose tongue that was sliding into my mouth." "I liked it too." "Want to go back to my place?" "Thought you'd never ask." "But what are we going to do with Trent and his friends? They're over practicing today for that big gig of theirs this weekend." "Dont' worry, I've already kissed all of them anyway." Daria smirked. "So Jane, you kissed your own brother? I didn't see that coming. Especially not in this thread." :Smile: ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor ------------------------------------- Daria ran into the Lane's house, slammed the door behind her and stood leaning her back against it, breathing hard. "What is it now," asked Jane. "Jane, I... I pissed off your boyfriend..." "You what?!?" "Eap!" said Daria, having heard a tell-tale sound outside. She leaped away from the door just in time, as six razor sharp claws rendered it to wood scraps. "Where is she?!?" shouted Wolverine. "Now, pookie-bear," said Jane, as Daria escaped out the back door (What? The Lanes have no back door, you say? They do now, Chester!), "what did she do to set you off this time..." ------------------------------------- drmike ------------------------------------- Daria ran into the Lane's house, slammed the door behind her and stood leaning her back against it, breathing hard. "Let nme guess. You kissed my boyfriend?" asked Jane. "Jane, I... I pissed on your boyfriend..." That brought up Jane short. ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor ------------------------------------- Sandi backed up against the wall as he brought his fist up under her chin and extended the two outer claws to either side of her face. Her eyes went from one claw to another, then bugged like DeMartino's when the third claw tickled the underside of her chin. "So," smiled Logan, taking a big pull on his Hav-a-Tampa, then releasing the smoke in Sandi's face as he exhaled, "ya wanna explain just one more time to li'l Stacey here, just how geeky it is to be dating a super hero?" "My hero!" sighed Stacey, as Tiffany and Quinn prayed that it be swift, but not too gorey. ------------------------------------- WacoKid/The Angst Guy/Prince Charon ------------------------------------- At night, a beat-up Pinto sat in front of the Morgendorffer house. The heat and humidity had caused the windows to fog up. But two voices came from inside. "Did you want to talk about Jane?" "Nope." "Oh. Then... what?" "About our situation." "I didn't know we had a situation." "Don't play coy. I know exactly what you want. What you need." "Hey, what are you -? Stop! Please!" The next morning, Daria and Jane stood in the hallways of Lawndale High. "Hey," Jane said, looking concerned, "What's up? Talk to me." Daria sighed, and looked at Jane. Behind her thick heavy glasses, her eyes looked broken and defeated. "I had sex with your boyfriend." "What?" "I had sex with your boyfriend. I had sex with Tom. I didn't mean to." Jane just stared dumbly, looking like her heart had just been ripped out of her chest. Her face paled, and people looking on thought she might faint. Then suddenly she turned and bolted down the hall, running as fast as she could toward the exit, tears streaming down her face. As Daria watched her go, the defeat in her eyes was replaced with triumph, and a cruel little smile formed on her lips. She'd planned it perfectly. Once she'd spotted the weak point in Jane's relationship, it was easy to worm her way in, appeal to Tom on an intellectual level. It was the one place that Jane knew she could never compete. She'd made Jane paranoid and jealous, which had only made Tom angry and defensive, which just made Jane even more paranoid. Then, last night, she'd sprung the trap. "Hey, what are you -?" Tom grabbed Daria's busy hands. "Stop! Please!" "Don't tell me you don't want this," she pouted as she tried to kiss his neck. "Daria!" He pushed her away, firmly back onto her side of the car. "I don't think of you that way! " "But we spent all that time together," she said, feigning confusion. He sighed. "I like you, but only as a friend. I know Jane and I are having problems, but I like her a lot and I really want to do everything I can to make it work." Tears welled up in her eyes. He looked down at the stearing wheel. "I won't tell Jane about this," he said quietly. "I have to go!" she blurted before bolting out of the car and into the house. She almost made it to her room before bursting out into triumphant giggles. As she walked away from the site of her 'confession' and toward homeroom, she kept her cruel little smile. Now one of two things would happen. Tom could try to tell the truth, that Daria had come on to him and he's refused, but Jane would never believe him. She'd been paranoid about the two of them getting together for so long she'd never accept that it wasn't true. Especially after her Best Friend had admited it already. Or Tom could be noble, and fall on his sword. Cop to the crime he didn't commit and take all the blame on himself in hope of Daria and Jane being able to salvage their friendship. Either way, Jane would dump him, and after she cooled off, would forgive her amiga (especially after Daria hinted that she'd not been a completely willing party) and things would go back to the way they should have been all along. It was a perfect plan. Except that Daria had never planned for the possiblity that Jane would stab Tom to death with an Xacto knife, and spend the next 20 years in jail. Maybe if she'd only said she'd kissed him instead .... And she'd never imagined that twenty years later to the day, her doorbell would ring and she would open the door to see Jane standing there, with an Xacto knife in her right hand, ready to complete what she'd started long ago. She hadn't imagined it would hurt as much as it did, either, but it did. At least it didn't hurt for long. Of course, by that time, Daria had been wanting to die for a good long while. Probably. I imagined her visiting Jane 2 - 3 times a month, all year 'round, for the whole sentence, lonely and miserable and possibly wracked with guilt. __________________ Some room in Hell "Jane?" asked Daria. "Daria," said Jane, coldly. "You killed yourself?" OK, dumb question. Daria hadn't been down here long enough for Jane to get herself shot by the cops, or even run over by a car. "What the hell did I have to live for, you bitch?" Jane whispered. "OK, good point. Do you think you could untie me?" asked Daria, without much hope. The ropes holding her down were rather tight, and would have cut off her circulation, if she'd had any. "Now, why would I want to do that?" asked Jane, smirking as she beheld the various... implements in the room. The first one she picked up, of course, was the Xacto knife. __________________ "Why do I feel sorry for them?" asked Tom, watching from his place in Heaven. ------------------------------------- A.J. ------------------------------------- "Jane..." "Let me guess, you kissed my boyfriend." "Kind of." "Not this again!" Jane sighed. "Well, replace kissed with stabbed and my boyfriend with you. Add the word repeatedly." "Come again?" Daria sighed heavily "I stabbed you. Repeatedly." Jane looked down and indeed her shirt was a bloody mess from multiple stab wounds. "How did I miss those?", she managed to blurt out before passing into eternal unconciousness. ------------------------------------- Prince Charon ------------------------------------- "Tom, I kissed your girlfriend." "What?" "I kissed your girlfriend. I kissed Jane. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry." Tom blinked at Daria for a bit. "Next time, can I watch?" ------------------------------------- drmike ------------------------------------- "Jane..." Jane sighed. "Yes, Daria. What is it this time? Oh wait. Let me guess. You kissed someone close to me, right?" "Kind of. Jane, I kissed your ass." "My ass?" "HEE-HAW! HEE-HAW!" The donkey breyed from the back yard. "What did you go and kiss Melvin for?" ------------------------------------- WacoKid ------------------------------------- "Jane?" "Yes, Daria?" "I [bleep]ed your boyfriend." "You what?" "I [bleep]ed your boyfriend. I [bleep]ed Tom. I'm sorry." "Damn it, Daria, I can't hear you over that stupid 'bleep' sound." "[Bleep]ing N," Daria muttered. ------------------------------------- drmike ------------------------------------- Daria closed her front door as the Tank pulled up, Jane hopped out and came up to her. Daria smirked. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought. " ------------------------------------- WacoKid ------------------------------------- Daria looked Trent up and down for a moment.. "Aren't you a little short to be a grunge rocker?" ------------------------------------- WacoKid ------------------------------------- "But nobody worries about upsetting a Fashion Club member," Stacy whined. "That's because Fashion Club members don't pull people's arms out of their sockets when they lose," Mack smirked. Stacy blanched and then turned to her companion. "Tiffany, let the QB win." Kevin just leaned back in his chair, his hands behind his head, and grinned; It was good to be the QB. ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor ------------------------------------- "Jane... I... I made your boyfriend." Jane stopped short, her jaw hitting the ground. "I didn't mean to." "You... you had sex with Tom?!? You bi...!" "NO! You don't understand, I MADE him! Out of spare parts from the Cedars of Lawndale morgue. I started raiding it after I had that rash and found out where it was. I gathered the parts, then one dark and stormy night, when the parents and Quinn was out of the house... *sob!*" "Now, now, Daria. It didn't turn out so bad. It explains his halitosis, though..." "You just don't understand!" "Understand what, amiga." "I DIDN'T MAKE HIM FOR YOU, DAMMIT! *WAAAAHHHH*!" ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor ------------------------------------- "That's no moon!" said Obi Tom Sloane, before the Dawn of teh New Millenium Falcon rammed Beavis right in the butt. "Oops, my bad," he said, "guess it was a moon after all." "Great," growled Daria Solo, "so who'd going to clean the %^&*ing twit off the windshield?" They turned and stared at Quinn3-PO. She sighed and said, "Have I said recently how much I hate space travel?" ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor ------------------------------------- Quinn brandished the wooden stake and held aloft a Host. "Stand and identify yourself, foul creature of the night!" Sandi drew Sting and gasped at its blue glow. Stacey ignited her lightsaber and said, "They cannot match the power of the force!" Tiffany pointed an istrument forward. "Triiiicorder iiiindicates severaaaal huuuuumanoids aprooooooaching." Daria leaned on her M1 Garand and thumbed her helmet back on her head and said, "Look, would it be too much trouble to try to coordinate what movie we're parodying?" "You're griping?" said Jane, in rich lincoln green, nocking an arrow, "You at least have a flippin' gun." "Alright!" said Kevin, in his leather helmet, "Let's go out there and win this one for the Gipper!" Having set the bayonette on his carbine, Mack, dressed in Union blue, slapped Kevin on the back and said to Quinn, "Hey! We got a volunteer for point, here!" ------------------------------------- WacoKid/Decelaraptor (Note) ------------------------------------- I recognize LOTR, Star Wars and Star Trek in there (and I think Dracula and Robin Hood), but what are the others? Respectively, it appears to be Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Star Trek, WW2, Robin Hood, Knute Rockne All American, and the Civil War/Glory. Quinn = Dracula/Van Helsing/Buffy Sandi = LotR Stacey = Star Wars Tiffany = Star Trek/TOS (Spock) Daria = Saving Private Ryan Jane = Robin Hood Kevin = Knute Rockne, All American Mack = Glory Kudos to Waco for almost getting them all :Smile: ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor ------------------------------------- The Cantina Band finished a song, when one of the musicians stepped up to the mike. "Flree poo!" he said. "Da zootmon nee falben lrt Daria, nos noonoon, flrak de morkove slurtpoost." [Thank you! Now we'd like to bring out our singer, Daria, debuting an original composition.] Daria stepped up on the Cantina stage in full Luke Skywalker drag (including lightsaber), carrying a Vulcan lute. "Flree poo, Zingplop," she said to her bandmate, "One, Two, three, AND..." The band joined her in a country rock beat. She leaned into the microphone, struming the lute, and started to sing: [To the tune of CCR's "Lodi."] "Just a few years ago, I set out as a toon, Seekin' my fame and fortune, As a smart girl among the loons; I got cancelled, then came the fics, I guess you know the tune, Oh, Lord, stuck as a Jedi again / G - C G / - Em C D7 / G Em C G / - D C G / "Just rode in from Montana, but I'll be datin' John when I go. I also been runnin' for president must be seven months or more. Ran out of time when Jane and I saw the Ring video. And now, Lord, I'm stuck as a Jedi again. "The man from MTV said I was on my way, Somewhere I lost connection, Bad ratings was all they'd say. I thought this thread was a one night stand, But looks like they'll never be through, Oh, Lord, stuck as a Jedi again. "If I only had a dollar for ev'ry character I played, And ev'ry time I had to play while people wrote here drunk on angst. You know, I'd catch the next plane back to where, I'll never tell. Oh, Lord, playin' a Jedi again. Oh, Lord, Cast as a Jedi again. Oh, Force, tired of bein' a Jedi again." The crowd applauded wildly. "Thank you, thank you," said Daria, "Flree poo very much! Be sure to stick around, we'll be back for a second set!" One of the musicians leaned forward. "Na flreen day nooruck shpa!" "They know it was the first set, Dzhedzhie..." ------------------------------------- drmike/Prince Charon ------------------------------------- "Jane, there's something I have to tell you..." Jane rolled her eyes and banged her head against the school locker. "I wonder if I started bribing these fanfic authors....." She turned to Daria with a sigh. "What is it?" Daria looked at her best friend for a second or two. Then she reached out, grabbed Jane's head with both hands, yanked her close, and kissed her with all the passion that she could. Jane shook her head at the memory, as she stalked away from Alison's place. "What am I, a lesbian magnet?" ------------------------------------- Between_the_Lines ------------------------------------- "Jane?" Jane looked around, slowly counting to ten in her head. 'Damn fanfic authors.' "Yes Daria?" "I...oh, I can't do this anymore. I never wanted to do this. I wanted to be something better." Daria tore off her green jacket, revealing a red flannel shirt that Jane had somehow missed. "I want to be...a lumberjack!! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! The oak, the mighty Scots pine, the larch...with my best girl by my side", she waxed lyrical as she dragged Jane close to her, wrapping an arm around her, "We'd sing, sing, sing...." ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor ------------------------------------- Mack [Standing in front of his Knights]: ... Soooo... we were hoping if you might help us... find one? Daria [Significant pause]: A what? Mack: A... a... a Hei... Hei... a Hei... Daria: A Heismann? Mack: Yes, yes, a Heisman! We were hoping you'd help us find one. A... a Heismann... Joey [Breaking out of the pack and charging towards Daria]: Look, can you tell us where to find the Holy Heis... [Daria gestures, and flames burst from the ground near Sir Joey's feet] Joey [Retreating]: Aaah!!! Mack: Uh, look, mighty Daria, we can see you're busy, so perhaps we should be on our... Daria: Yes! I can tell you were to find the Holy Heisman! To the north there lies a hallway, the hallway of Lawndale High School, wherein, spraypainted in mystic graffiti, upon the very living lockers are the last words of Tommy Sherman, the ASSMUNCH... [gestures and explosions erupt] make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Heismann! ------------------------------------- The Angst Guy/atimnie/Derek/Decelaraptor/ad nauseam/Hiergargo ------------------------------------- I write my fics, with scenes so bad, that they'll have you moanin' I put in lurid sex scenes, just like our dear Ronin. Chorus - He writes his fics, with scenes so bad, that they'll have you moanin' He puts in lurid sex scenes...just like our dear Ronin? Eew! OKAY, STOP! STOP THIS THREAD! No one is taking any penguins except ME! Don't come near me! I'm armed! I have two arms, actually, a left and a right, therefore I am armed. I'm also legged, with a right and a left, and--AAAUGH! Sorry, this thread has been sacked. Those responsible for sacking the thread which has just been sacked, have been sacked. Wink Let the Daria/Monty Python madness continue! I have to be deadly serious for a moment here: I don't care what you people do to squirrels and penguins and whatnot, but hear me: leave the majestik møøse out of this. The møøse are mine and they answer only to me. DeMartino: All I want to KNOW, is WHO's resPONsible for ALL those &^*%ing LLAMAS in my DRESSING ROOM! Helen [Leaning on the rail of the witness stand]: All we are asking, sir, is did you or did you not viciously bite my clients sister? Bullwinkle: I have not now, nor have I ever, been a biter of humans. I am a herbie-vore, after all. Daria [VO]: Go on, Mom, point out that Quinn's a vegetable. Helen: Sir, I must ask you to stand up. [Bullwinkle does this.] Turn around. [He does.] I now request the court notice the two initials carved into Mr. Bullwinkle J. Moose's posterior. Your honor, I request further that Mr. Moose's posterior be entered as evidence. Rocky: Your honor, I object! Judge: Overruled. Tiffany [From audience]: Quinn! Ewwwww! Judge: Order in court! [Bangs his gavel.] Rocky [Sitting, defeated]: It's a fair cop. Bullwinkle: Your honor, is it too late to plead the fifth? Judge: Of course it is! We have you right in-it our clutches, Moose, you think we let-it you go now? Natasha! Hand cuff-it Moose! Helen [Sitting by Daria, and turning to Quinn, who is sitting behind her in the audience, and has a large bandage on her arm]: You see, Sweetie, I told you it helps to have the right venue. Boris: Now, Natasha, all we need to do is come up with a way to get rid of pesky Squirrel. Then we can move ahead with our plan to brainwash the rest of Lawndale. BULLWINKLE: Hey, Rocky! Watch me write a cheesy Daria/Trent shipperfic! ROCKY: Again? ------------------------------------- Greystar/Ranger Thorne ------------------------------------- "Okay, Jane," Daria said with a grunt as her best friend zipped up the back of the chicken suit. "Just what kind of bet did you make with Upchuck that involves a chicken suit and a gallon of peach preserves?" "Don't ask," Jane said as she handed Daria her suit's head. "Besides, you should count yourself lucky that I talked him out of using the weed eater." "Does this have something to do with why you no longer have a phone?" ------------------------------------- Dennis ------------------------------------- Helen regarded the man before her through narrowed eyes. "Our Quinn's a special girl." "Oh, she is. She is." The man nodded. "And she says she's never felt this way about anyone before, Mr., uh," Helen groped for the man's name for an uncomfortable moment. "Shabby. Ken Shabby," the man said, then coughed and spat on the carpet. ------------------------------------- drmike/Prince Charon ------------------------------------- Tom tried to push away with his remaining strength but felt limp as Daria drained the last of his blood out of his body. Daria shoved the empty husk away in digust and hunger as she turned towards her former best friend, Jane. Jane look in horror at the evil that Daria had become. The ridge on the top of her face. The fangs in her mouth. Jane tightened her grip on her cross and her spike. "Jane..." Daria's voice was deep and frightening. Jane tried not to shutter as the fear flowed through her body. "Um, y-yes, Daria?" Daria's face lit up with an evil grin. "I kissed your boyfriend." "W-will he rise?" asked Jane. "No," said Daria, and then she moved, closing the space between them in an instant, her sudden, firm grip on Jane's wrists forcing the artist to drop the cross and railroad spike with which she would have defended herself. "Will I?" Jane asked, shivering, and not only with fear. "Oh, yes," said Daria, and with that, the Vampire pressed forward, biting down into the supple flesh of her friend's neck. Jane swooned as the heady mix of pain and pleasure coursed through her body. ------------------------------------- Angelboy ------------------------------------- Thanks to Mr. Orange for providing inspiration. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Mack... I kissed your girlfriend." "What?" "I kissed your girlfriend. I kissed Jodie. I didn't mean to." With a frown Mack turns away and stalks off leaving Jane running after him. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor/Derek ------------------------------------- Big Jake nervously tipped his hat back, and looked at Tom and Mack, who nodded their unspoken ascent; let's get out of here before things get weirder. "Well, stranger," he began, "I thank you kindly for your time, but I reckon we'd better be moseying..." "YES!" said Daria the Enchantress, with firmness and not a terrible rendition of a Scottish accent, "I can help you find your lost squirrel herd..." Unfortunately, the squirrels have been brainwashed by Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale, who want to use them to take out Rocky. With Rocky dead and Bullwinkle in prison, there'll be no one to stop their plan to brainwash all of Lawndale in their latest attempt to take over the world. Boris: Hey, shut up, you're giving away our secret plan. ------------------------------------- mistress thea zara ------------------------------------- I blame this entirely on Angelboy. We were discussing a possible cross over fic and this was brought up... the following scene came about in the SFMB2 aim chatroom. ---------- Daria looked up from her morning feed bag as her mother cantered through. She had a cellphone headset on, and was trying to talk and get her mouth around her briefcase handle at the same time. "No, Eric, I don't think we can sue the Pony Express, they were around before us." After her mother headed into the office she removed her feedbag and slipped down to Jane's house. She looked down at her lack of fingers, sighed, and then pushed the doorbell with her nose. After a moment Jane pushed her way out the front door, backpack straps in her mouth. She tossed the backpack in the air, yawned and then stood on two legs and threw her front two in the air to put on her backpack She nodded to acknowledge Daria's presense, then trotted down the front steps not waiting to see if Daria joined her. Daria looked at her friend's tail swishing then ran to catch up. "Um, Jane, have you noticed anything different about us today?" Jane yawned once more before speaking. "Different, different how? Is this your subtle way of telling me you and Tom-" "NO! It's not. You haven't noticed, um... anything else about everyone?" "Are there pod people? Please tell me there are pod people... then I can get some more sleep and let my double go to high school." "Damn it, Jane. We're ponies." "and?" "AND?? Isn't that enough... We're cartoon ponies with billboards on our asses." "Amiga, speak for yourself; My ass isn't THAT big." Daria rushed ahead and turned to stand in her friend's path. "Jane, read my lips... WE. ARE. MY. LITTLE. PONIES. What is wrong with this picture?" "Look Daria, I have NO problem being a pony... have you SEEN what you can do with a good horse hair brush?" As she spoke Jane flicked her tail in Daria's direction. Dejected Daria returned to walk instep with Jane. "None of this is real anyway... I'm going to wake up and thank the nice men in white coats for the antipsychotic medicine any moment." "Well then, do what I'm sure young Thomas has suggested, 'lay back and enjoy the ride'" With that she broke into a trot, narrowly avoiding the hoof to the ass Daria had tried to administer. ------------------------------------- RLobinske ------------------------------------- A thought from a thread in Weapons of Mass Distraction: Daria - Jeez, what are these fanfic authors going to do to me next? Jean Grey - Quicherbitchin. You should see the stuff the official authors have done to me over the years. Daria - Tell you what, you want to trade places with my sister? ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor/Angelinhel ------------------------------------- Big Jake nervously tipped his hat back, and looked at Tom and Mack, who nodded their unspoken ascent; let's get out of here before things get weirder. As Kristin sat at her keyboard, writing this, Zoie suddenly gave a yip of fright and ran into the next room for safety. There was a bright flash and a loud roaring bang as smoke filled the room. The concussion of the blast knocked Kristin out of her chair. As the smoke cleared, a strange, short figure in a headress of goat horns bearing a staff began to appear. "Yes!" said Daria the Enchantress, "I can help you find the Holy Typo!" Grimly Kristin reached for her pitchfork. Decelaraptor had gone too far this time... The Angst Guy ------------------------------------- Ms. Kinnikufan/atimnie ------------------------------------- Daria held the blade carefully to her wrist and addressed her class: "Remember it's down the road not across the street people!" Unfortunately, she could only teach that class once. ------------------------------------- Derek ------------------------------------- "I kissed your boyfriend." "What?" "I kissed your boyfriend. I kissed Upchuck. I'm sorry." "Quinn, it is like, way unfashionable to kiss somebody else's boyfriend. I'm afraid I'm going to have to remove you from the Fashion Club." ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor ------------------------------------- The audience went wild as U2 returned to the stage at Shea Stadium for their second encore. The band picked up their instruments and launched into one of their greatest hits, sending the crowd into a frenzy. Suddenly though, after the first verse, a terrific ball of fire erupted from the middle of the stage, knocking The Edge bum-over-teakettle and hurling Bono into an impromptu stage dive. "YES!" shouted Daria the Enchantress, "I can help you find what you were looking for!" "Right," muttered Bono to a stunned fan, "where's your bleedin' Homeland Security tossers when we really need them?" ------------------------------------- Ranger Thorne ------------------------------------- (Yes, I just saw the movie.) Daria smiled shyly as she turned to look at her date. "Thanks, Tom," she told him. "I had a good time, tonight." "I glad you enjoyed yourself, Daria," he replied. "And I'm glad you gave me a second chance." "Hey," she shrugged, "I'm just glad we didn't have to go behind Jane's back this time." "Yeah," he nodded. "Um," she looked down, "it's getting late." "Yes, it is." "I should go in." "Yes, you should." "Well, good night." "Good night, Daria." Then, leaning in, he kissed her. It was a short kiss, but the effect on Daria's complexion was obvious. Without waiting for her to speak, Tom turned and walked toward his waiting car. Daria stepped into her apartment and closed the door behind her before she leaned against the wall in shock. "Wow," she whispered, "he's really improved over the years." Tom waited until he was halfway home before pulling out his cell phone and dialing a number. "Hey, it's me," he spoke when the line was answered. "It went great. I can't thank you enough, Hitch." ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor/RLobinske/WacoKid ------------------------------------- Daria strained as she and her copilot pulled the yoke back to bring the heavy nose of the B-29 back to level. If they didn't drop the Little Boy bomb on Richmond, history would be irrevocably changed... again. She flinched as two Confedrate Zeroes flashed by the cockpit. The top gunner opened up, sending one spinning past in flames. "Got one!" shouted Luke. "Great kid! Just don't get cocky," answered Han. The copilot turned to her. "I don't know what we're going to do if these ficlets get any weirder," said Willow. "We're gonna sing, Baby!" Frank replied. "Fly me to the moon / Let me sing among those stars / Let me see what spring is like / On jupiter and mars - Take it, Fat Man!" And with that, the 300lb black teen lept out of the plane toward Richmond. "Hey, hey, hey, It's FAT ALBERT, mutha******s!" (Changed the ending a little.) "Crap!" shouted Willow, "We totally packed the wrong bomb!" "You're right!" said Daria, "That was supposed to be Dennis the Menace!" "Just trust the Force, Luke," said a disembodied voice. "Skywalker's in the top gun," grumped Daria. "There's not supposed to be a top gun on a B-29," muttered the voice as it faded out. There was a cut off scream as the top gun disappeared and Luke was bisected by the fuselage. Teletubby Jane stuck her head through the cockpit door and said, "How many bloody times do I have to keep saying 'Don't question the magic?!' You'd think a dead Jedi would know that! Feh!" History geek alert: B-29 turrets were remote controlled from one of three observation domes behind the wind (2 side and one dorsal) or the bombadier's position. The closest to a top turret gunner would be the CFC (central fire control) gunner who sat on a raised chair and sighted through the dorsal gunner dome. The B-29 had an interesting fire control system. There were four turrets (2 dorsal and 2 ventral) and control of each could be switched between different gunner positions by the CFC gunner. The bombadier could control either or both fore turrets, the CFC one or both dorsal turrets, and the left and right gunners could control either or both aft turrets. ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor ------------------------------------- And now, a public service announcement from "The National Association for the Advancement of Gay and Lesbian Teletubbies:" Jane Lane, in a purple Teletubbie suit with an anarchy symbol for an antenna and the SSW logo on her tummie television, steps before the camera. "Greetings. I'm here to discuss the appalling tendency of people to play the dangerous game of questioning or disbelieving magic, while they are in a magical situation. This can be very dangerous and should be attempted only by annoying jerks who won't be missed any way. Here are some examples of bad things that can happen when you question the magic:" ------- Harry Potter is midair on his broom, chasing the golden snitch. In the middle of the chase, he is distracted by a thought. "How in the world do they get these broomsticks to fly?" Suddenly he spins out of control and spirals into the ground. ------- Bilbo Baggins is sneaking through a cave full of goblins in the Misty Mountains, aided by Gollum's ring. Suddenly he pauses and looks at the ring. "How do you suppose this little trinket can be so powerful as to make one invisible?" He suddenly appears and is jumped on and carved into cutlets by the goblins. ------- Frito Bugger is sitting by Goodgulf during the Council of Elron, looking extremely bored. Playing with the ring, he wonders aloud how such a tiny thing can cause a bogie's bowels to get so costipated. The Council is suddenly and quite rudely interrupted. ------- Jane reappears after the clips. "Finally," she says, "I give you the chiefest magic doubter of them all..." She walks over to a figure swathed in bandages, supporting himself by two crutches. "... Mr. Wile E. Coyote. Mr. Coyote, do you have anything to say to our viewers?" A little sigh appears in his hand that says, "Oh, shut up!" "So remember," concluded Jane, "never doubt the magic, or dire consequences will be your lot. Thank you." Jane exits and Road Runner sneaks up behind Coyote, looks at the audience, then back to the mummy before shouting, "Meap-meap!" The mummy shudders as Wile E. hits the top of the cast. Road Runner sticks out his tongue and is off in a flash of dust, followed by Coyote, flailing his crutches like a windmill. The announcer's voice comes back on air. "This has been a public service announcement on behalf of... HEY, YOU! STOP DOUBTING THE TECHNOLO..." The screen collapses into a little white dot and is gone. ------------------------------------- A.J. ------------------------------------- Daria: Why are we here again? Jane: I told you already, to have a threesome with Ms. Barch! Daria: Oh. Why? Jane: To get even with Trent and Jesse's threesome with Mr. DeMartino. Daria: Gotcha. ------------------------------------- Hiergargo ------------------------------------- Larry Seinfeld and George Castanza started worshipping Tom Sloane when he managed to pull off the previously-unheard-of best-friend switch, thereby proving he was a god. They crucified him the day after Daria dumped him. ------------------------------------- DigiSim ------------------------------------- "I hate to say this Jane but I'm a little disturbed." Daria groused as she closed her locker. "Just a little?" Jane remarked with a smirk gracing her lips. "Don't make me hurt you Lane." "So what's got your panties in a knot amiga?" Daria sighed, already regretting bringing the subject up. "It's Upchuck. Ever since those damn exchange students came here he's been..." Daria shuddered as the thought of Upchuck acting that way crossed her mind. Jane gave a similar shudder as she realized what Daria was talking about. "And he used to be bearable," Jane opined. "What gets me is how Kevin changed. I mean, sure he would hit on almost anything with breasts but now he's even worse." A sound of a scuffle echoed down the hallway followed almost right away by outraged female screams. Jane and Daria ducked into the nearby janitor's closet and peeked out through the doors window. A look of terror filled their eyes. Upchuck, dressed like a pseudo-Hefner, ran by waving a wooden sword. His shout of "Noone can defeat me! I am the Chartreuse Wombat of Lawndale High!" Thunder clapped in the background. As he continued down the hall, he continued shouting. "Leave me be you foul sorceress! Nothing can deter me from my quest!" Ms. Barch ran by next hefting a giant mallet. The words 50 Tons were printed on the side visible to the hiding girls. "Get back here you perverted man! Stand still and take your punishment!" Her nasal screech faded into the distance. More enraged female shouts made Daria and Jane decide to stay where they were. Kevin soon appeared, dressed as usual in his full football uniform minus the helmet. This time he had a scarf on his head tied up under his nose. Over his shoulder was a sack bulging with ladies unmentionables. "Hotcha! Whatta Haul, Whatta Haul!" A bolt of lightning struck right behind him, sending him hurtling away. A high-pitched squeak exclaimed "Kevvy! I'm going to fry you-tcha!" Brittney, in her cheerleader outfit which looked decidedly tiger-like, flew down the hall after her pervert boyfriend. Shaking her head in disgust, Daria said, "Why did he take Martial Arts lessons from that old creep?" "I can tell you why." Jane spoke up. "That is...a secret." A smart-ass smile grew as she said that. Daria glared at her and replied, "I know the Amiguriken and I'm not afraid to use it on you." drmike/DigiSim "Jane, there's something I have to tell you..." Jane rolled her eyes and banged her head against the school locker. "I wonder if I started bribing these fanfic authors....." She turned to Daria with a sigh. "What is it?" Daria looked at her best friend for a second or two. Then she reached out, grabbed Jane's head with both hands, yanked her close, and kissed her with all the passion that she could. Jane awoke with a gasp and sat up. The sheets covering her nude form collapsed to her lap. Glancing around the darkened apartment, she remembered when that had happened years ago in high school. Sure she had welcomed the kiss. She had even kissed Daria back. That had been her mistake. At the time, Jane had been having a secret affair with another student. They discovered the two of them in the middle of the tonsil hockey game and just started shouting out curses in anger. Daria and Jane broke lip-lock once the screaming started. The offended party then got in Jane's face, jabbing her in the chest with a finger. Daria shoved them back, a snarl on her face. She showed a usually deeply hidden side of her once her voice rose in anger. It was proof that she was indeed Jake Morgendorffer's daughter. Jane had tried to break the two up when she was laid out by a thrown punch. Luckily, her broken nose was a small price to pay for the end of the fight. 'Good thing we came to that arrangement in the hospital,' she mused. With a content sigh, Jane lay back down in between her lovers in their Vermont apartment. Living with Daria was wonderful but having Jodie there as well was the chocolate icing on the cake. Wearing a lecherous grin, Jane drifted off to sleep. ------------------------------------- drmike/The Angst Guy/DigiSim/WacoKid/atimnie ------------------------------------- "Jane, there's something I have to tell you..." Jane rolled her eyes and banged her head against the school locker. "I wonder if I started bribing these fanfic authors....." She turned to Daria with a sigh. "What is it?" Daria looked at her best friend for a second or two. Then she reached out, grabbed Jane's head with both hands, yanked her close, and kissed her with all the passion that she could. Jane awoke with a gasp and sat up. The sheets covering her nude form collapsed to her lap. Glancing around the darkened apartment, she remembered when that had happened years ago in high school. Sure she had welcomed the kiss. She had even kissed Daria back. That had been her mistake. At the time, Jane had been having a secret affair with another student. They discovered the two of them in the middle of the tonsil hockey game and just started shouting out curses in anger. Daria and Jane broke lip-lock once the screaming started. The offended party then got in Jane's face, jabbing her in the chest with a finger. Daria shoved them back, a snarl on her face. She showed a usually deeply hidden side of her once her voice rose in anger. It was proof that she was indeed Jake Morgendorffer's daughter. Jane had tried to break the two up when she was laid out by a thrown punch. Luckily, her broken nose was a small price to pay for the end of the fight. 'Good thing we came to that arrangement in the hospital,' she mused. With a content sigh, Jane lay back down in between her lovers in their Vermont apartment. Living with Daria was wonderful but having Jodie there as well was the chocolate icing on the cake. Wearing a lecherous grin, Jane drifted off to sleep. Three seconds later, Daria and Jodie awoke, realized what had happened, and screamed. The two then glared down at Jane who was trying and failing to suppress her laughter. She couldn't resist putting her hands there on her girlfriends. Sure her hands were like ice but that's why she did it in the first place. Her laughter was silenced as the two started smacking her with their pillows. It was then that Upchuck woke up, and realized he'd have to change his sheets. "Uuupchuuuck? Eeeww!" This was the reaction of Tiffany Blum-Deckler as the wet and sticky substance covered her face. It came as a surprise when it happened. She should have expected it though. The convulsions Upchuck had been going through were a sure sign. Looking mortified, Upchuck handed Tiffany a tissue to wipe the mess off her forehead, cheeks and chin. As she started to wipe off her face, she then asked him, "Does this mucous make me look fat?" while he blew his nose. Damn his seasonal allergies. ------------------------------------- Roentgen/Decelaraptor ------------------------------------- Jane entered the room. "Hey", she said. "Oh hi," said Daria. That was odd, both of us in a place like this, thought Jane. "Uh...what's up? What's going on? How ya doing?" "Great." "So...what happened?" There was no response from Daria. "Hey what's up? Talk to me." "I kissed your boyfriend." Complete silence in the room. Jane couldn't believe what she just heard. "What?" "I kissed your boyfriend. I kissed Tom. I didn't mean to." Jane swallowed, fighting back tears. For God's sake, I can't lose it, not now. "So you stab me in the back? You throw away a friendship for something that can't possibly work out? And you make me look like the big loser while you two feel each other up?" "Jane, I didn't want to hurt you...!" "Spare me." Jane held out her hand, in a talk-to-the-hand-cause-I-ain't-listening pose. "Spare me! I'm already hurt. You selfish bitch." The crowd OOOOOOed. "You never had a friend in your life, Daria. And when you finally get a friend, the first time you want a hot piece of ass you're too *BLEEP* lazy to get one on your own! You have to steal mine! I do not, do not need you as my friend, not now, and not ever again!" The crowd applauded. Jane closed out the universe. Daria hung her head in shame, sitting in her chair. "All right," said Jerry Springer. "Let's meet Jane's boyfriend. Let's bring out Tom. Tom?" Tom Sloane stepped out from behind the stage, not knowing what was in store for him. He only got a half-second to look at the audience before Jane Lane crossed the intervening space and BITCH SLAPPED THE HELL out of him!!!!! She grabbed his hair and jackknifed the poor boy, as she landed a kick to Tom's solar plexus, prevented only by Steve and the arrival of several other beefy, blackshirted security guards as the crowd went WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP. As Steve held the fighting little wildcat in the air, Jane knew that sooner or later, Steve would let go. Next time, she would punch Tom in his Adam's apple. And then, she would go for his soft, low-hanging..... "JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY!" chanted Kevin as Jane was restrained, not noticing Brittany sneaking up on him and Angie with the chair. ------------------------------------- The Angst Guy/DigiSim/drmike ------------------------------------- Speaking of Daria fanfic scenes that should NEVER be.... I am currently reading John Gardner's "The Art of Fiction: Notes on Craft for Young Writers." This is a superb text on the art of creative writing and is recommended without reservation to all writers here. On page 61 of the paperback version, however, is a line that practically lept from the page and screamed at me. In discussing how a good writer comes up with new ideas, the Trojan War is offered as a story example, with this out-of-context remark: "Helen's surprise and helplessness might naturally lead to a second climax, her behavior below the Trojan horse." And this is a fanfic scene that, heaven willing, will never be. Very Happy Seems Helen has been horsing around. (:Embarassed: .......... Well someone had to say it.) Helen wiped the liquid from her mouth with the back of her arm. "Did you say something?" (Too late. :Smile:) ------------------------------------- Reese Kaine ------------------------------------- Two kids are walking through the forest, toting rifles, and with evil intentions. "Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh" - Said one, while looking at the camera. "Like, shut up, or something. Uh-huh-huh. We're, uhhh, hunting m'sry chicks. Uh-huh-huh-huh." - Said one to no one in particular. "Yeah, M-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-hm-heh-heh-heh-heh........Hey Butt-Head, M-heh-heh! I see one!" - Retorted the other one. Suddenly, from out of the bushes, a rustling can be seen but barely heard. A short reddish brunette peers out of the brush and looks outward. "M'sry!" cried the figure in the bush. It appeared to be searching for her mate, or at least her companion. Luckilly, her call was heard, and a friend appeared next to her in the brush. "Artsy?" was the response her dark-haired companion uttered. "M'sry! M'sry?" shouted the brunette, "Artsy!" and a shrug was the only response the dark-haired one could pose. Seeing enough. Butt-Head's friend took aim and shot the brunette, the m'sry chick fell over to the ground, and was bleeding to death. The dark-haired m'sry chick, however, took advantage of her incredible cheetah-like speed and ran away to the safety of the darker forest, screaming "ARTSYARTSYARTSYARTSYARTSY!!!!". "Whoa! M-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh! Got 'er! M-heh-heh-heh" said the yet-to-be-named kid. "Beavis, this may be the coolest thing you have ever done. Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh." said Butt-Head, finally revealing the name of the unnamed kid. Beavis asked Butt-Head what to do with their prize "We shall mount her, and treasure this moment for the rest of our lives. Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh..........mount.........Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh" Beavis, mistaking Butt-Head's intent, got down on all fours, atop the m'sry chick corpse and a zipper sound could be heard. Butt-Head was furious. "Uhh!!! Beavis, you dumbass, I meant mount her on the wall! Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh.....mount.........uh-huh-huh-huh-huh" Beavis paused, as he stared at this felled creature, dead by his own rifle. He looked upon her nearly-pale-white skin, and realized that if she were human, he'd be in love (Also a murderer, but that's not the point). He decided that she was human enough, as he undid his pants........... ------------------------------------- Reese Kaine ------------------------------------- It was a hot and sunny morning for Daria the human horsesh*t. After oozing out of bed, leaving a trail of horsesh*t, she enveloped her breakfast and drizzled her way to school. Daria the Human Horsesh*t has always been something of a social outcast amongst her peers. Even Jane the Living C*mstain has trouble sometimes accepting her as a friend......... Daria then took her attempt at fanfiction, and threw it in the trash, deciding to replace the offensive word with bullsh*t. ------------------------------------- Reese Kaine ------------------------------------- It was an ordinary day on the metallic planet of Lawndale. Peaceful robot folk are going about their daily chores, activities, and leisures. One day, JaneBot was prepaing a fuel-based beverage for herself and her companion TomBot (Who were preparing a gathering of friends to arrive later to share stories and laughs) when a rumble shook the drinks off the table, then some pieces fell off from the ceiling. JaneBot ran to the window and saw a giant green and black metallic planetoid coming towards their own. TomBot had to make the obvious statement.......... "JaneBot, look! It's ...... DARIACON!!!" Dariacon opened a giant set of fangs and grabbed hold of Lawndale, slowly but surely ripping apart, and eating the once-peaceful world. JaneBot and TomBot knew what they had to do, they transformed into starships and took off. Unfortunately, TomBot wasn't so lucky in his escape. The gravitational displacement caused by Dariacon's devouring of Lawndale caused him to be sucked into Dariacon's .......... mouth.......... along with the rest of the planet. And then, there was nothing left. Just a giant planetoid......searching for it's next meal........ ------------------------------------- Brother Grimace ------------------------------------- Tears running down her cheeks as she stood over Daria's quivering form, Quinn's eyes moved from the neon-pink glow of her lightsaber to the seared stump that used to be her sister's right hand. "What did I do-?" She turned to the sneering form of Alfred Phelps, immaculate in his ebon robes that seemed to drain away the light in his presence. "Look what I did-!" "Yes," Phelps sneered. "Now, finish what you started! Strike your sister down, and your journey to the Dark Side will be complete!" "But... she's my sister..." "DO IT!" Quinn's lip trembled; she took a small step forward, her arm started to rise- "STUPEFY!" Phelps swund around, lightsaber ignited and face twisted as Quinn dropped as if her puppet-strings had been severed. "You-!" Professor Kyle Armalin stood in the entranceway of Phelps Sanctum Sanctorium, dressed in robes of emerald and silver as he pointed his wand directly at the other educator. "Good morning, Mr. Phelps..." (Sorry, Ms. Wild. I had to do it... and I'm surprised somebody hadn't before me...) ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor ------------------------------------- "Hey, Rocky! Wanna see me pull a rabbit out of this hat?" "Aw, Bullwinkle, that never works!" "THIS time it will! Abreekadabree!" Bullwinkle reaches in the hat and pulls out a lion's head. Although it's face is angry, it's mouth doesn't move as it shrieks like a girl. He stuffs it back into his hat. "I'm gonna have to get another hat." ------- "So," said Ms. Manson, starring at the shivering, whimpering lion on her couch, "Timothy. What makes you think you've been playing the mascot too long?" ------------------------------------- Xuchilbara ------------------------------------- Jane tweeked her nipples provacatively. Licking her lips seductively she purred "I joo bitch, I joos sexay bitch." "Not right now Jane." Upchuck mumbled. ------------------------------------- Xuchilbara ------------------------------------- Daria stared at the much taller woman before her. Daria - What do you want from me. The woman with pale blonde hair, and skin, and missing her eyebrows. Was standing there in a hideously ugly black dress, wearing no shoes. She was known as Claudia. Claudia - You will birth a God and create an eternal paradise. My name is Claudia Wolf. Daria - Fantastic. Listen I need to go have sex with my best friends boyfriend. ------------------------------------- Xuchilbara ------------------------------------- Trent - I got a letter the other day. The name on the envelope said "Mary", but I had no idea who Mary was. So I threw the letter away. ------------------------------------- Xuchilbara ------------------------------------- Walter - You're it Jane, you're the 21st Sacrament. Jane - Can I mindlessly hump you first? Daria - He is Jesus. ------------------------------------- Xuchilbara ------------------------------------- Trent - I decided to quit Mystic Spiral, and start a new band. We're called Ave Satana Ducks. Jane - Trent that sounds soo untr00. Trent - From now on I shall be known as NecroSleeper. Daria - That doesn't sound very kvlt. Jane - Daria I had no idea you knew what blackmetal was. Trent - Who said I was in a blackmetal band? I'm crossing over to country music. ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor ------------------------------------- Daria had woke up on the wrong side of the bed before, but there was something about the way Sandi was standing over her in a lab coat, cackling, "Alive, she's ALIVE, MY CREATION LIVES!!!" that told her it was going to be another one of those days. ------------------------------------- drmike ------------------------------------- Daria collapsed on her bed still with her boots on and quickly fell asleep. Being written into over a dozen works in one day by fanfic authors was too tiring for her. ------------------------------------- Ms. Kinnikufan ------------------------------------- Daria knew it was time to shoot herself when Principal Li declared that the only way to make sure students weren't carrying weapon was for Lawndale High to become clothing free... ------------------------------------- Xuchilbara/Ranger Thorne ------------------------------------- More Silent Hill crossover. Trent - I got a letter the other day. The name on the envelope said "Jesse". It's ridiculous. A stoner illiterate can't write letters. In my restless dreams I see a shirt, a grey cotton shirt. You promised you'd buy me another shirt, but you never did. I'm alone here now in our special place, my nipples freezing. Waiting for you and the shirt, but you never come.... Trent - Our special place? Is he referring to Opium Water Park? We spent all day contemplating songs. We were really stoned that day. Jane - 'Our special place?' Trent, is there something going on between you and Jesse that I should know about? ------------------------------------- Xuchilbara ------------------------------------- 5 days 4 hours 23 minutes and 31 seconds ago Daria Morgendorffer started have bizzare dreams about Jane wearing a long red jacket, and going "Buahahaha!!". Oh, and she can't leave her apartment. Daria - It's not like I want to leave my apartment anyways. *the phone rings. Daria picks it up.* Unknown voice - Rrrr feisty! Daria - Upchuck is that you? *click* ------------------------------------- Xuchilbara ------------------------------------- Tom - And God said "Seperate he who is the father reborn from she who is the reciever of stupidity." Daria - Tom, you're rambling on again. Tom - (@#$(&@*(& @(&#()& (@#&$)& @)(&$()&@ @(&$()&@$)@(& Daria - Tom, speaking in tongues isn't going to help our situation. Tom and Daria walk through a door. Waiting for them is Jane. Her hair slightly longer, her demented smile now replaced by a far away expression. In each hand she holds a handgun. Jane - BUAHAHAHAHA!!! *starts firing at Tom and Daria* Daria - OW! Tom - My leg hurts! I'm scawed!! Jane - Soon I shall be with a room that I believe to be my father. Daria - Someone please shoot me. ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor/The Angst Guy ------------------------------------- As Daria rocketed out the bell tower window, watching her skateboard fly away from her, she came to the conclusion that maybe crossing over with Silent Hill was preferable to Tony Hawk's Pro-Skater 4 after all. Far below her, Daria noticed Jane looking up at her with a video camera, catching every moment. The joke's on her, thought Daria just before she rocketed into the abandoned quarry. She left the lens cap on. ------------------------------------- Reese Kaine ------------------------------------- The room was dark and musty, yet large and elegant. Ten figures graced the room with their presence, all have never met each other before. One was named Garland, and carried the essence of pure Chaos within him. Another was named Emporer, and commanded the very legions of Hell itself. Standing next to him was DarkCloud, the result of a sacrificial cult of dark warriors. Next to him was one named Zeromus, and was the manifestation of pure hatred. Another was named Neo X-Death, everyone looked at him funny after he introduced himself. X-Death just shrugged "What?" Next to him was named Kefka, within him were the souls of thousands of monsters imbued with potent magic. Another was named Sephiroth, and carried a full-blown 110-piece orchestra. Sephiroth gave the "Cut" sign with his hand to the band. Next to him was named Ultemacia, evil sorceress from the future. Another was named Necron, master of the Grand Cross. The final one was peering in the window from outside from being too big for the room. Its name was Sin. After all introductions were made, the host, a short woman in a dark-green jacket, black skirt and boots fired up a projector detailing why they were all summoned here. The image of a hideously-cute reddish-blonde haired girl is shown. The host then speaks "This is your target. Terminate with extreme prejudice." ------------------------------------- DigiSim ------------------------------------- The toe area of her Doc Marten boot smashed into Principal Li's face, sending the middle-aged Korean woman flying back. While in the air, she flipped to right herself and landed on her feet. Not a hair was out of place though a small trickle of blood escaped from one nostril. As Principal Li charged her, Daria set herself in a defensive stance. She had never had any former Martial Arts training but for some reason she seemed to be a master now. Reaching striking distance, Daria lashed out in a three strike combo. The blows stunned Li and she stood there swaying. A deep disembodied voice called out "FINISH HER!" Daria smirked and snapped her fingers. The floor beneath Principal Li grew spikes, piercing her flesh. It then rose up and slammed her between two thick slabs like a heavy book preserving a flower or leaf. The slabs then sank into the ground leaving a spreading puddle where the former principal once stood. The voice called out once more. "Daria Wins! FATALITY!" Sandi from the Fashion Club was to be her next opponent. She couldn't wait. ------------------------------------- psychotol ------------------------------------- Scene: the Thomson kitchen. Kevin: walks into view and retreives a bottle of champaign from the fridge saying "I can't let my parents have another kid" as he walked to the microwave. Disembodied loud booming voice: as the screen freezes "STOP!!!" screen splits to show Daria seated on the couch in the Morgendorffer lounge, her part of the screen is not frozen. Daria: "This experiment is extremely dangerous and should not be attempted, for your own safety and the safety of those around you, do not try this at home". Daria's part of the screen dissapears and the Thompson kitchen scene advances a few frames. it then freezes again and splits once more with a close up of Daria's face. Daria: "No really: Don't." Daria's part dissapears again and Kevin proceeds to warm the champaign in the microwave. Daria: voiceover "The champaign is contained in a tough glass shell, and is carbonated. When the bottle reaches failure point, it explodes like a pipe bomb." The microwave is demolished as is the cupboard above it and Kevin is thrown back against the work bench behind him, this folds her backwards, severing his spinal chord in case having his head impact against the back edge of the surface doesn't kill him, along with the many shrapnal wounds from the bottle fragments he had sustained before he had been kicked by the explosion. Daria: voice over "we do these experiments so you don't have to: Do not, try this, at home." ------------------------------------- Xuchilbara ------------------------------------- Shot of Lawndale High hallways. We see Sandi standing, but something is very different about her. Quinn - Sandi why the hell are you wearing white and black ghoul paint on your face? It's not even Halloween! Sandi - For your information Quinn it's called Corpse paint, and it's the hottest makeup for the season. It makes me look so grim, nekro, and tr00. Tiffany - Uhh Sandi...you're...also...wearing...weird...spiked...thingies...on your...arms....it looks...weird. Sandi - *flashes her arms forward, nearly stabbing Quinn in the face* These spiked things, are like called gauntlets, and they help me in looking necro, gee Tiffany get it right. Staci - Sandi you look... *Sandi glares at Staci, and this time it's enough to get Staci to run and scream across the hall. She runs right past Jane and Daria.* Jane - If I didn't know any better I'd say that the Fashion Club has become kvlt. Daria - and nekro Jane - and tr00. Daria - Words such as kvlt and nekro are such retarded words like troo. Jane - OMG luk wut u've dun 2 meeee!!11 The very next day all of the students except Daria and Jane are wearing corpse paint, spiked gauntlets, and all black. Meanwhile down in Hell. Euronymous - I'm going to *bleep*ing kill you. Per Ohlin - You can't. I'm Dead and I'm dead. ------------------------------------- DigiSim ------------------------------------- Helen is about to knock on her daughter Daria's door when she hears voices inside. She stops to listen. "Wow Daria, they feel kind of weird. Are you sure you don't mind me playing with them?" Helen's gasp of shock is quiet enough that the two in the room don't hear. "No Quinn, I don't mind. In fact, I've been wanting to show them to you for a while now." Helen's eyes started to widen in horror. "Have you showed these to anyone else?" "Well, Jane of course. Then there's Jodie, Andrea and Brittney. They enjoyed playing with them. Especially Jane." "I can see why." Holding one hand against the wall and the other against her forehead, Helen tried to keep herself from fainting. "They feel weird when I squeeze them. Is it okay if I do that?" "Sure. Just not so hard. They're kind of sensitive. I still have to figure out a way to toughen them up so they can take abuse. I plan for lots of little kids to be getting their hands all over them. Some might even put them in their mouths." Helen almost broke the skin when she bit down on her knuckle. "Bletch, they taste terrible Daria!" "I know. I have to do something about that too." Helen couldn't take any more. She burst into the room shouting, "What are you two do..." She trailed off at the sight before her. Daria and Quinn, sitting side by side on Daria's bed looking at her like she was crazy. In Quinn's hands were two strange-looking squeeze toys. Both girls were also fully dressed. "Uh, I'll just be going now." A nervous chuckle escaped Helen's lips as she left, closing the door behind her. Quinn turned to Daria and asked, "What was that all about?" "I have no idea," Daria replied in her monotone. ------------------------------------- Xuchilbara ------------------------------------- Man that would be akward as hell. *Trent knocks on Jane's door. She grumbles, but gets up from her bed.* Jane - What do you want Trent? It's 11am in the morning. Go back to sleep! Trent - Jane there's something I need to tell you. Jane - Trent I understand if you're gay, but please shut up and let me sleep. Trent - Please Jane, it's very important. Jane - Alright fine, but this better be good! *She steps out of her room and stares at Trent. Trent -*takes a deep breath, then starts singing* My dreams were not worth it, I was told By the people who want me to release what I hold For all of you I sing this song If you don't understand, my laughs will last long ...And I shall turn to you and say "I worship the devil" Jane - You *bleep*ing dragged me out of bed just to tell me in song that you've gone Satanic? *bleep* off Trent. Trent - I wonder how I'm going to break it to her that actually I've become a Buddhist? Note: Lyric from the song "The Scapegoat" by Tiamat ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor ------------------------------------- Driven half mad from the squeeks and toots that were emanating from Trent's room, Jane burst in screaming, "What is that damned noise?!?" Trent took the oboe from his mouth. "We've changed directions, Janie. We're becoming a chamber quarted." Jane breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank the Deity, I thought you were taking up bagpipes!" ------------------------------------- Hiergargo ------------------------------------- INT. JANE'S ROOM. Daria is in her "eating at your soul" position. Jane is painting a herd of wild ponies running free across the plain--being chased by a Tyrannosaurus rex. DARIA: Life sucks. JANE: So? DARIA: My life sucks. JANE: Tell me something I don't know. DARIA: Nobody likes my writing. I can't sell it. If I post it on the Internet, people post comments about how bad it is. Even though I'm a college graduate, I can't get a job. JANE: That's the Bush economy for you. DARIA: Everyone I went to high school with has a good job. Kevin and Brittany have jobs. The Fashion Club all have jobs. You have a job. Hell, even Mystik Spiral is doing better than breaking even. I'm unemployable because no boss can stand my personality. I ended up back home with my parents and got yelled at for being "useless". And then your brother took advantage of my crush on him, married me, and now every night I have to listen to him sing a new song about what a wonderful person I am and declare his undying love to me, charming me until I— JANE: Too much detail there, sister-in-law. And besides, what's wrong with that last part? DARIA: Nothing, actually. I just like to complain. ------------------------------------- Ms. Kinnikufan ------------------------------------- Daria knew it was going to be a totally awesome day when all the stupid people randomly started explouding.... Unfortunately it cost her a bundle to get all the blood and brain material dry cleaned out of her jacket... ------------------------------------- DigiSim ------------------------------------- Daria knew it was going to be a wonderful day. Her whole life had been leading to this moment. Now today, the day of her wedding, everything was going to come together. For in a few hours she was going to no longer be Daria Morgendorffer. Soon she would become Mrs. Daria Louise Ruttheimer. She couldn't be happier. ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor ------------------------------------- The little annoyance sat perfectly still. Daria, not thinking at the moment, brought the knife down on it, before realizing it was on her left chest. At the last second, it launched itself into the air. The knife went deep, severing the major vessels of the heart. Daria fell and the damned beast flew down and circled her head. "I wonder," she mused with her last moment of conscious thought, "if this is what Dickenson meant when she wrote, 'I heard a fly buzz when I died...'" ------------------------------------- Xuchilbara ------------------------------------- Quinn opened the door to the bedroom. Silently she crept towards the woman who's back was turned to her. Quinn stepped on a stray CD causing it to crack under the pressure of her awesomely too cute for word shoes. The woman wearing a long black dress slowly turned around, and faced Quinn. Quinn - Checkmate, Sandi! She whipped a gun out of nowhere and pointed it at Sandi. Sandi only scoffed. Sandi - No, not yet Quinn. First we must play tic tac toe, then we must get manicures that match the third lightest highlights on our hair, after so we must buy contact lenses that match our crushes shoe color... To this day it is said that Sandi Griffin has still been attempting to clean up the blood and brain matter from her carpet. ------------------------------------- Ms. Kinnikufan/The Angst Guy ------------------------------------- Daria grasped the pistol. "This is the only solution." She murmured to herself. A long bang was heard. Trent laid dead, brain and blood material soaking the floor. "Now Jane will pay no attention to anyone but me!!!!" Jane walked in, stepping over her brother's body. "Bamg?" she said, raising an eyebrow. "Hey, don't look at me," said Daria. "Cheap handguns." ------------------------------------- Scissors MacGillicutty ------------------------------------- A bit of Kubrickiana: =============== DARIA: Say it, Lane. You know you want to. JANE: No! It's embarassing! DARIA: Say it, or I'll get the glue gun. JANE: You wouldn't dare! DARIA: (Just nods) JANE: (Sighs. Then, in a high squeaky voice) Ooh, ooh, me so horny! Me so horny! Me love you long time! DARIA: How much? JANE: (In the same high squeaky voice) Fiteen dollah. DARIA: Fifteen dollars for both of us? (Points to Quinn sitting beside her on the couch) JANE: (Same voice) No. Fiteen dollar each one. DARIA: But my momma only gives me five dollars to spend. HELEN: (Standing behind them) I'm afraid she's right, Jane. QUINN: Mu-OM! We're like, trying to play out our own scene, you know? HELEN: Oh dear. Sorry. (Goes into the kitchen. Jake is cooking, wearing only his "Kiss the Cook" apron) QUINN: Where were we? Oh yeah--Daria, you were saying we only had five dollars. DARIA: Right. (clears throat) But my momma only gives me five dollars to spend. JANE: (Same voice) OK, OK, ten dollar. DARIA: (Gets up from the couch and puts her arm around Jane.) Well, little buddy--ready to spend some of your hard earned money? (FADE TO BLACK. About 90 minutes later) JANE: ..And must you use rope? Twine works just as well and it doesn't sting as much! DARIA: (Deadpan) Gee, I thought that was a reason to use rope. QUINN: Next time, I want to use pretty silk scarves! JANE: (Grumbling) Next time, I want it to be a scene from Clockwork Orange...and I want to be little Alex! DARIA: (Giaconda smile) Try the wine? ------------------------------------- Xuchilbara ------------------------------------- Scene opens up with Daria, Jane and Quinn walking along a busy main street at night. The song "Erotica" by Moonspell plays. Let me take you to/to that special place where you are everyone's/erotica erotica. Daria - Jane are you sure it's a good idea to be looking for lesbian hookers on the streets? Jane - Daria until I can figure out if having sex with my clone is incest or masterbation I'll just have to settle for a pale hookah. Quinn - Eeew! Daria I thought we were scouting out for cute guys? Daria - Wow Quinn did you and Sandi break up already? Quinn looked down at the sidewalk and mumbled "She was getting too rough." Jane - Land ho! Pale hookah at 10 o'clock! At 10 o'clock a figure of pale woman was seen. She was wearing bright red pipe chord pants, and an offwhite sweater. Her black hair appeared unkept and greasey. Daria - Jane are you sure that's a hooker? I mean she's really clothed. Quinn - Ugh, red pipe chord pants. Talk about a fashion disaster! Jane - Daria she's pale and she has big boobies! That must mean she's a pale hookah! Daria - Jane remind me again why I don't kill you in a Satanic ritual and feast on your entrails? Quinn - EEEW!! DARIA! Jane - Because secretly you know that killing me would ruin your plans to make me your lesbian sex slave. Daria - Oh how right you are. Quinn - (mumbling) I was going to ask you out Jane. Jane - What? Quinn - I Like fish. Jane - Now is the time to seize hold of destiny! I shall talk to that pale hookah! Before Daria can protest Jane was already close to the 'pale hookah' Jane - Hiya, I was wondering... Angela - MOMMA!!! Jane - Eeep! Angela - Oh, mama I've been looking for you. It's been so long, but finally you're here. Now I can rest. Angela pulls out a butcher knife from her pants. Jane - EEEEEEPP!!! Angela - Mama why are you screaming? Angela caresses Jane's face, and then realization hits her. Angela - You're not my mama! Jane - No crap you pale hookah! Angela - (voice changes) What did you say? Did you call me a prostitute? (voice changes again.) You're just like all of them! (Cries) why don't you just kidnap me and have hot kinky femme-slash sex with me? Jane - You know that's not such a bad idea... ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor ------------------------------------- Daria left the hotel and clambered into the Rhino tank parked outside. Pulling across the street after running over the two low-riders stopped for the light, she manuevered through the palm trees and navigated through the wall onto the sand. There she started to fire the main gun and run over bikini-clad sunbathers and cops. The police cars that came onto the beach after her were turned into burning wrecks under the treads of her tank. All in all, she decided, crossing over with GTA: Vice City wasn't such a bad idea after all... ------------------------------------- Thomas ------------------------------------- Daria sat at her desk, typing at her computer and pondering whatever it is that someone of her unfathomable wisdom would ponder, when her new friend CJ opened the door. "Yo bitch, we gonna go pop some Ballas punks, wanna represent?" "Sure CJ, let me get my jacket first. You know, gang colours." "Right on girl. I'm gonna get some wheels and we'll meet you at the Idlewood Burger Shot." "See you later." Daria picked up her flamethrower and stepped outside her house in Rockshore West. The cop on the motorbike was the first to go, his bike exploding while trying to speed away, then an elvis impersonator in a Blista compact. It wasn't long before several sports cars were burning. As the sirens of the police and fire department approached, Daria smiled and took out her Desert Eagle. The move to San Andreas had done her a world of good. ------------------------------------- Reese Kaine ------------------------------------- Daria walked through the halls of Lawdale High on the aftermath of a a day that changed the world. She sighed as she picked up her bookbag and proceeded to walk to her next class, everyone was staring at her with disgust and pity, well, actually some were pointing and laughing. "What?" She questioned as she went by, but she only got a sea of more pitied and disdained faces...........and more laughing. She's never been this shocked and confused in her life. Suddenly, the entire sea cleared a path for her to walk. Something was really, really wrong. She finally found Jane and learned the horrible truth............. Everyone had developed telepathic powers.......except her. Now everyone could read her mind, and make fun of her in the worst possible way, only now, they could add "retarded" to the list of semi-legitimate words to call her. ------------------------------------- Angelboy ------------------------------------- Wasn't really sure where to put this one, so I figured I'd just put it here to be on the safe side. I've read a couple diary entries from some of the cast of Daria and I felt that this was one that needed done. This is a part of a series of diary entries that I'm going to be doing for the Lawndale High Student body. Enjoy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hello again, it’s me, ‘Charles Ruttheimer III’ or Charlene as you well know. Everyone still calls me ‘Upchuck’ at school, and I don’t really blame them, every time I have to become my dead older brother I want to throw up myself. Dad still doesn’t accept that Charles died in the fire, or that I can never replace him. I wish he’d understand that I was born a girl and I should have a chance to live my life as one. I wish mom hadn’t died trying to save Charles… or more often that Dad died in that fire… it was his damn cigar that caused the fire, the careless prick fell asleep with a lit cigar and it fell on the carpet starting a fire that he tried to put out with his bourbon… that worked up until the natural reaction between that concentration of alcohol and fire occurred and expanded the fire. You know that the curly poof on my head that’s called a hair-do should actually be straight and strawberry blonde right? Just checking that the one place I confide in still remembers, and that I’m not going insane. I’ll leave that to “daddy dearest”. Recently I’ve been thinking of talking to someone about this, what I’m going through that is, but whom do I talk to? Jodie is too busy doing everything under the sun to stop and waste time with me, Daria will just think that this is some kind of sick joke from ‘Upchuck’, Jane Lane’s a possibility… but that brings us back to Daria. Everyone else in that school is too vapid and/or self absorbed to care about a tormented soul searching for help. I could… I could read from you at that new J.O.U.R.N.A.L. club, but I don’t think I have the courage, nor would anyone think that this isn’t some sort of “Upchuck” thing, unless I show them everything… All your pages and possibly what’s under my clothes. What should I do? If I come out I’m most likely going to be teased, ridiculed, and hated worse then I already am. Or worse yet, sent to Cedars of Lawndale on a near permanent basis when it’s my father that needs the stay there. How can I do anything but what’s already happening? God, I hate my life, if my father hadn’t gotten the idea that I might remove all his children, and thus taken anything that I could just end my life with, I would just kill myself and be done with it all. The lying, the pain, the hatred, the fear, all of it would be gone for good. I wonder… if I would lessen the ‘Upchuck’ persona for a while maybe they would believe that I’m not the person they think they knew. That could work, no more hitting on all the women, no more sleazy actions, no more annoying, whiney, sycophant voice. I’ll start with those, as well as letting my natural hair grow out. After that I’ll stop binding my breast, THAT’LL FEEL GOOD!!! Then I’ll start wearing androgynous clothing, maybe even ask Daria where she gets those coats, I hope they come in black, or purple, or maybe even red. Just NO more lemon yellow polo’s, EVER again. The pants aren’t that bad, and the boxers are comfortable… but I want to start looking more me, and less Charles. Then again… father will come along and start destroying it all thinking his precious son has ‘turned transvestite’ on him… if he hadn’t started doing it to his daughter all her life he wouldn’t have this problem. Soon, so very soon I’ll be eighteen and then I’ll be free, never having to cow tow to his demands ever again. Never again having to look into the mirror and wanting to slam my fist into it. SOON I WILL SHOUT “I AM CHARLENE RUTTHEIMER!!! AND I WON’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!” Charlene Ruttheimer aka “Charles ‘Upchuck’ Ruttheimer III” ------------------------------------- Brother Grimace ------------------------------------- Jake lay almost insensate in the lavender-and-butter scent that seemed to rise out of the bong; he set it back down, gulped, and then let thin wisps of smoke ebb from his nostrils. 'Man... far out..." The squirrel in the dashiki smiled serenely as he took the bong back, and the second squirrel, dressed in his crisp safari jacket, held the lighter as he placed his face over the mouth of the bong. "Yeaaaahhh..." The other squirrels and Jake laughed as the first squirrel dropped back on his hindquarters, and wrapped his tail so he could use it as a pillow. "Only one thing that smells better, Jake - only one thing..." "Yeah? What's that?" The squirrels looked at one another, then started to chitter with mirth. "What? What did I say?" "Little Jake, we MUST have you schooled in the ways of the world..." another squirrel said, sipping from a Pyrex beaker of dandelion wine and wiping a drop from his Nehru jacket. "How are you going to go out there, find a woman and... satisfy her... if you don't know anything?" "It won't matter if we get her first, Little Jake," the squirrel in the dashiki smiled, blowing smoke rings as he took his head away from the bong again. "You know what the chicks say about sex with a squirrel: 'Once she's had a taste of our nuts-" The other squirrels chimed in. "She's not going back - no ifs, ands or butts!" "Right on," the squirrel in the safari jacked crowed. "Hey, don't bogard the wine, man..." "Ooooooh, check it out, check it out!" the squirrel in the dashiki snapped, calling everyone's attention to the window. Jake looked out as the squirrels rushed over. "OOOH, YEAAAH! Lavender!" a small voice cried out. "Got to rub some of that all over...!" "Man, I'd love to hibernate there all winter long..." a chittering voice besides Jake snickered, as he watched the lovely young woman walk past with a couple of her friends. "Makes me wish I lived up north, where the winter lasts all year long..." Jake looked around the room, watching the way the squirrels leered and made obnoxious remarks, and glowered. "What's wrong, Little Jake - think you've got the Big Brazil Nuts to try to reel that in? Well, let's see what you've got!" ***** Ten minutes later, Jake sat with a red face while the squirrels laughed. That was when it all began... ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor ------------------------------------- The Society of Decorative Medicine stood around the suspended, rotting porcupine. Sand Cat took a stick and wacked the corpse, causing a shower of quills to fall from its back. She and her three compaions gathered the quills, carefully so as not to be stuck, and went into Redbird's family lodge. Walking in a circle clockwise around the interior, they settle down near the fire. Redbird checked the stew simmering over the fire. "Hmmmph. My sister-who-should-be-a-cousin eats like a coyote around a midden and doesn't even replace what she's eaten." She proceeded to add to the food. Sand Cat nodded sagely as she drew her knife to cut the quills into smaller pieces. She muttered a small prayer to the porcupine god, then said, "The Utes, I hear, let you, like, divorce your relatives, or something. We could use a custom like that." "Ewwww!" said Frightened Fawn, "who'd want to be a Ute!" "Calm down, Frightened Fawn, I'm not, like, suggesting the Utes are in any way desirable, just that they do something right." "Heeeey..." "Tsi-faniy-tse, you're not a Ute anymore, you're a Human Being now. You were captured and adopted when you were a toddler. You don't even sound like a Ute anymore." "Oooooh," she said as Sand Cat distributed the quill pieces, "Sooo, why haven't you giiiiven me a proper naaaaame yet?" "But we did," said Frightened Fawn. "Pooookey Toooortoise, eeeeewwwwww!" "She's got a point," said Redbird. "What, like, ever. Let's just get started, okay? And Frightened Fawn, make sure you chew them long enough this time." Sand Cat gave her the look. "EEEEP!" she said. "But Sand Cat, they taste like rotted porcupine!" "They're, like, supposed to taste bad, that's where the medicine is!" "Couldn't we do bead work instead?" "She's got a point, Sand Cat," said Redbird. "Gee, Redbird, maybe you should be the Society leader instead of me." "Don't be silly, Sand Cat, I could never be as good a society leader as you. Let's just forget the bickering and get to work." "Agreed," she said as she picked up a piece of quill, "and Frightened Fawn? You don't want us to, like, put you on hiatus again." Frightened Fawn reluctantly put a quill piece in her mouth and started chewing. ------------------------------------- A.J. ------------------------------------- Jake's world went to hell when he found out his father was an alien squirrel from planet Bucktooth 5 wearing a robotic suit. "GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" His head exploded shortly after when Daria came in looking for a Winnie the Pooh book. ------------------------------------- Xuchilbara ------------------------------------- Daria and Jane are sitting down on Jane's bed. Jane - Hey Daria, I got a keyboard and I've learned this cool polka riff! Daria - Polka? Jane, since when do you even like polka? Jane pulls out a keyboard from what seems to be out of thin air. She plugs it in, and starts playing an electronic polka like riff. Daria - Hmm that's actually pretty- before she can finish Mystic Spiral dressed as trolls rush into the bedroom, and start playing their respective instruments. Trent takes vocals and starts singing and playing the song "Trollhammeron" by Finntroll. Trent - TROLLHAMMERON! TROLLHAMMERON! Jane continues playing the keyboard, while Daria looks on disgusted and somewhat bemused. Suddenly the denizens of Lawndale burst into Jane's room and all start dancing to the polka influenced folk metal. Yes, it was just another dandy day in Xuchilbara's head. ------------------------------------- DigiSim ------------------------------------- Daria was quiet as she eased the car up to the T-Bone stop. A quick glance around the desolate landscape proved to her that she was in the clear. None of the other players were in view but that didn't mean she was safe. Angry shouting and honking horns behind her snapped her out of her reflections. Looking in her rear-view, she could see that there were four cars behind her with drivers that wanted to go. She was not in the mood for their bull. Pressing a button on her dash, she eased out of the stop and turned right. The explosion as well as the successive ones after told her that the first car ran over the land mine she had left behind. With a smirk on her face, Daria continued driving. She knew that just a few miles down the road was a restoration station. The hearse needed repairs. She wasn't feeling all that great either. As she drove, her mind wandered to the events that made her join this perverse tournament in the first place. Jane had invited Daria down to a lake outside of Lawndale. It was peaceful and could possibly provide inspiration for their respective talents. The two weren't popular at school by any stretch of the imagination. Sure they had mutual friends in Jodie, Mack and sometimes Brittany but other then them there was nobody. Jane had surprised Daria by pulling up in front of her house the day they were heading to the lake in a hearse. She had explained that she had secretly bought it at some secluded sale out in Swedesville. Despite it's age it ran much better than the Tank ever did. It got them there in time to spend a few quality hours with each other. As they sat on the boat dock, the conversation drifted. They spoke of their dreams and just life in general. Jane even confessed that she had once briefly entertained trying to start a romantic relationship with Upchuck of all people. It had never gotten anywhere. As the two continued to talk, a white Thunderbird Coupe pulled up onto the dock, stopping behind the hearse. Stepping out of the car were the Three J's. They were all drunk off cheap beer and excited about becoming seniors next year at Lawndale High. Seeing Daria and Jane sitting there, the three had a collective thought. It wasn't much of one but they still had it. The J's were looking to party and here were a couple party girls. Or they could be. You know what they said about the quiet girls. Daria and Jane sensed that trouble was brewing. Somehow, Joey and Jamie grabbed Daria while Jeffy tried to rape Jane. Tried being the operative word. Like a wildcat she fought him. Jeffy got in a lucky hit which stunned her and shoved Jane off the dock into the water. Daria screamed "Help her you idiots! She can't swim!" The three just laughed and ran to the T-Bird, hopped in and drove away. Daria would have jumped into the lake to save Jane herself but there was a problem. She couldn't swim either. As Jane sank beneath the waters of the lake, she cried out, "You get them Daria! You make them pay for this!" She watched her best friend die that day and there wasn't a thing she could do to help. That knowledge sent her over the edge. For months after Daria was inconsolable. The only family Jane had that attended her funeral was her brother Trent and her sister Penny. Her parents had wanted to come but were unable to due to being in different parts of the world. The only people that believed Daria's story of how Jane died were her family and Jane's. Unfortunately, there was no way to make the Three J's pay. One day, Daria just snapped. She radically changed her appearance. She had taken to wearing her friend's black shirts instead of her usual orange one and had also died her green jacket a dark red. That was when her family sent her away. Blackfield Asylum was out in the middle of nowhere. It was there she had met the man known as Calypso. She had been in Solitary for a week and had snuck in a sharpened piece of glass. She was carving Jane's name in her left forearm when he showed up. He told her that he could help her get revenge for Jane. All she had to do was join his contest. She accepted without a second thought. As she drove away from the asylum that day in Jane's hearse, nicknamed Shadow, Daria wondered what kind of name was Twisted Metal for a contest anyway. She would soon find out. ------------------------------------- DigiSim ------------------------------------- Daria just knew it was going to be a lousy day. How could it not be when Kevin won the Nobel Prize for Nuclear Physics. Everybody knew that honor was supposed to go to Tiffany Blum-Deckler. ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor/DigiSim/The Angst Guy/Mr Orange/WacoKid/Roentgen ------------------------------------- Daria sat on her bed reading. Suddenly, Helen slammed the door open and stomped over to where she was sitting. "Hi, Mom, what's up?" "Where is your sister, young lady?" "Sister?" "Don't act dumb with me, Daria Anne Morgendorffer! What is this I found on Quinn's bed?" Daria looked at the sheet of paper with the strange writing on it. "I'd say, you have the foundation for a good case to sue Highland Elementary for not teaching her how..." "This is not Quinn's hand writing! This is Arabic, isn't it?" "Uhhhhh..." "Not only is it Arabic, it looks like a bill of sale!" "Fancy that," said Daria, eyeing the exits. "Daria, I'm only going to ask you once and I expect a straight answer, because as sure as I brought you into this world, I can take you out! DID YOU SELL YOUR SISTER TO THE SAUDIS?!?" "Wellllll..." Helen picked her daughter up by the collar. Daria could see the fire in her eyes. "DID YOU?!?" She knew she had to come clean. "Mom, look, the price of textbooks today is almost prohibitive..." "And besides," she continued, "do you know how long it's been since I've had decent camel jerky? It's just so hard to get here." "The least you can do, young lady," snarled her mother, "is tell me how much you got for your sister when you sold her to the Saudis!" "Um . . . six hundred thousand dollars." "Wha . . . oh, DARIA!" Helen hugged her eldest to her bosom. "I'm so proud of you! *Beat* Tell me, Daria. How much do you think they would give for Jake? And for Rita?" "The same they'll pay for you." "Wha...?" Helen blacked out as the chloroform-soaked rag covered her mouth and nose from behind. A tear escaped her eye as she heard "Thanks Jane." "No problem lover. Always glad to help." "That's good to know," said Daria, sneaking up behind Jane with a fresh chloroform hankie... Handing it to Jane, she said, "Could you wash this one out? I thought I would need an extra but I don't anymore." Taking the cloth in hand without turning around to look, Jane replied, "Sure thing. By the way, the Saudi's called and said Thank You for Brittany and Sandi. Stacy called hoping to get in on some triangle fun with us tonight. Tiffany called to say her deal of selling Ms. Li and Ms. Barch to the Singapore white slavery ring went through without a hitch. Finally, Penny called to tell us the money has been laundered and deposited into our Swiss Bank accounts." As Jane left the room, Daria enjoyed the view concealed under her tight shorts and said, "This is the most fun I've had in a long time. And it's not even Wednesday yet." However, by Friday night, as both she and Jane were themselves bound and gagged and on their way to a life of sexual slavery, Daria realized that she'd fallen prey to the fourth of the Classic Blunders: Never Get Involved With A White Slavery Ring If You're A Woman. la la laa la la As Daria and Jane worked feverishly to finish the fifth coat of paint on the mansion before their master flew back home, Daria muttered, "you'd think a life of sexual slavery woudl be at least interesting....!" Just then, their master's limosine pulled into the driveway, and the chauffeur let him out. "You bitches can't do anything right!" yelled Eric Cartman, looking up at his two most prized possessions. "That paint job sucks! And both of you suck, too! It's a piece of crap! More white! I want it more white, white like your big whale butts, or else you'll babysit my sister again tonight!" He started off into his mansion, then turned and said, "Oh, and go out and get me a Big Mac Meal, super-sized, and make sure the fries are extra crispy this time! Move it, move it, move it!" "I hate that little !@$#$%~@$!!!" Jane grumbled when he was gone. "I thought we were supposed to be sex slaves," said Daria, descending the ladder. "He doesn't know what that is," said Jane. "Just hope he never finds out." "I heard that!" came Eric's shout from a microphone on Daria's ladder, causing her to slip and fall the rest of the way to the ground with an open paint can. "I do too know what that is, and you've asked for it! You brought this on yourselves! While you're out, bring me the complete collection of all the 'Girls Gone Wild' videos! That is all." Jane looked down where Daria lay spreadeagle on the ground, covered with white paint. "You want me to drive, amiga?" Jane called. "Yes. I want you to drive a stake through that little perv's heart." ------------------------------------- The Angst Guy/Mr Orange/mman ------------------------------------- "The least you can do, young lady," snarled her mother, "is tell me how much you got for your sister when you sold her to the Saudis!" "Um . . . six hundred thousand dollars." "Wha . . . oh, DARIA!" Helen hugged her eldest to her bosom. "I'm so proud of you!" "Tell me, Daria. How much do you think they would give for Jake? And for Rita?" "Uh, Mom, red-headed virgins get top dollar, you understand ..." ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor/DigiSim/Ranger Thorne ------------------------------------- As Daria ran through the thicket, the ground suddenly fell away from her. She discovered herself to be rolling head-over-heals down a steep slope. She came to a stop in the clearing. The sounds of pursuit was still getting closer. She got up and found herself staring at a stone. A stone with a sword thrust through it. Yeah, I could use that, she thought as the hounds started baying at the top of the ridge. "There she is!" shouted on of the men. Grasping the sword, she gave a pull. The blade came out so unexpectedly smoothly that she fell over backwards. A bright light from above shined on her and a deep voice said, "Behold! Whosoever hath removed this sword from this stone is the prophesized ruler of these lands about!" An angelic choir sang wordlessly, and on the ridge above the dogs became silent and the pursuers gasped and knelt in obeisence. "God," she muttered, "I hate when this happens..." I can hear Quinn now. "Mu-oooom, tell Daria she can't rule the land! Think of my popularity if people find out we're related. I'll just die!" "But, Sweety," Helen said after a quick sigh, "if Daria is the supreme ruler no one else will dare mess with you." "Except me, of course," Daria added as she set the sword on her shoulder and smirked. ------------------------------------- Ranger Thorne/Decelaraptor ------------------------------------- In honor of Richard's Von Doom story: === Okay, Daria thought as she was escorted into Doom's private rooms, what did I do and how bad is this going to hurt? "Be seated," Doom commanded, pointing to a chair that had been set out from the wall. After seeing that she had obeyed, he stood in front of her and spoke, "You have proven to be my heir in intellect as well as in genetics. As such, it is only fitting that you see the true face of your father." "Your true face?" He can't mean . . . "Yes." Reaching up, Doom pulled back the hood, then slowly removed his helmet and face plate. Then, the figure behind the mask looked at Daria and waited. Daria stared for a long time before she was finally able to mutter the question that was taking over her brain. "Budget cuts?" "What? No! Well, yeah." With a shrug, TAG looked at the floor, "I mean, I work cheap and since they blew most of the budget on this armour . . ." He quickly brightened up, though, and said, "But the penguins love it!" ------------------------------------- DigiSim ------------------------------------- "I kissed your boyfriend." Jane's eyes widened in surprise. "What?!?" "I kissed your boyfriend. I kissed Tom. I kissed your brother too." Anthony DeMartino looked down at the floor in shame. "I'm sorry Jane." ------------------------------------- Ms. Kinnikufan ------------------------------------- "TONNNNNY! TOOOONNNNNY!" Timothy beated the balcony glass with his fists! "Tim?" Tony looked from his bride to Mr. O'neil Suddenly. The glass broke and Timothy fell to the ground. "Tim...I never realize you cared so much." Suddenly he felt a seariing pain in his head, blood and brain material leaking from his skull. "That's what you get for cheating on me Tony, And now I'm stealing yer woman" Tim tossed Tiffany over his shoulder and they rode off into the sunset on his neon pink harley... ------------------------------------- Ms. Kinnikufan/Angelboy/DigiSim ------------------------------------- Daria knew her troubles would soon be over as she contaminated Lawndale's drinking water with cyanide.... However she soon had to weep as the Uranium in the waters of Highland left her alive and mutated. Her mutation took an interesting turn. Not only did she gain every psychic power known to man along with a few that nobody knew about, she now had a figure that would make Dolly Parton seethe in jealousy. 'Hmm,' she thought to herself, 'I bet Upchuck would have drooled himself to death just by seeing me like this.' ------------------------------------- Holiday ------------------------------------- My inspiration: From the Daria Unblokt! thread. The Angst Guy wrote: You know, with the title, I sort of thought this thread was about how Daria overcame her constipation. --- I promise not to do a fanfic about that, by the way. Smiles, I didn't promise not to do one, so here's my scene: Daria sighed loudly and stared at the clock hanging above the chalkboard in the detention hall and cursed herself for ever thinking she could--or should--give up caffeine. The shock to her system had simply been too much and it'd carried over into the first day of her senior year. She'd been late for school, fallen asleep in class, and the hand she'd kept on her swollen, aching, and bloated stomach had certainly nipped the lesbian rumor in the bud but it'd started a whole new one. Suddenly Daria began to shift uncomfortably in her seat and ultimately found herself with her hands gripping the edges of the desk, her face pressed firmly against it, as she waited for the clock to click the last sixty seconds of the hour. Stumbling and rushing out the door and towards the restroom she swore she would never ever quit drinking Ultra Cola again. ------------------------------------- Angelboy ------------------------------------- Dr. Artbender tied Daria to the metal bed and laid it flat. "I suppose you expect me to talk Dr. Artbender..." Dr. Artburner cackled evilly. "No Miss Morgendorffer I expect you to SCREAM!!!" Bending over Dr. Artbender started pulling off Daria's jacket and lifting up her shirt before using her paint brush to paint/tickle her captive former friend. ------------------------------------- Decelaraptor ------------------------------------- Princess Daria walked by her father's side down a long corridor. Armed guards flanked the walls, and on their golden breastplates was a pyramid topped by an eye. "I am confused, Father," said Daria. "Yes?" "If you are the supreme ruler in Latveria, what are you doing taking orders from the Illuminati?" "No ruler can rule a country without the cooperation of Those Who Sit Above All Others, not even your President Cheney." "Bush." Doom sighed. "You still have much to learn." The last guard on the left opened the door for them. They entered a room with electronic maps on the wall and a round conferance table with a pyramid in the center, topped again by the all-seeing eye. Daria's eyes opened wide in shock. Seated around the table were the Madagascar Penguins. "Suddenly," she muttered, "I understand the world a little better." "Indeed," sighed Doom.