Are you ready Nick?
Yeah.
Jesse?
Uh huh.
Max?
Okay.
Alright fellas, let's GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
And with that, Mystic Spiral began their new career as Lawndale's definitive Sweet cover band.
Atimnie
When her sixth book was rejected by We Print Everything Press as completely unprintable, Daria Morgendorffer reluctantly decided to explore the results of her high-school career aptitude test, so she enrolled in mortician school and graduated with honors, unaware that her first clients would be the four members of Mystik Spiral, who had left the engine running in the Tank when parked at a rest stop for a long snooze, and equally unaware that her secret passions for necrophilia, exotic puppetry, and Britney Spears dance music would unavoidably be brought into the public eye.
The Angst Guy
"Thanks for helping me out," Trent said as he sat down on the lower bunk.
"No problem," the older man said as he took off his shirt, revealing a number of black-ink tattooes He noticed Trent looking at his back. "Like my tats?"
"Yeah, sure."
"We'll have to get you some too. You're not a Jew, are you?"
"Uh, no." Trent felt himself growing more and more confused.
"That's good," the man said as he climbed onto the top bunk. "We'll get you branded up real nice."
"But," Trent scratched his head, "I thought brands were for cows?"
"That's right," the man's voice full of cheer as he reach down and carressed Trent's cheek. "You're my cow."
WacoKid
"Yay, I've been missing this type of thread," said Daria in a voice dripping with sarcasm as she spun the chamber, slammed it closed, cocked the hammer and put the barrel to her temple.
Deceleraptor
"Yay, I've been missing this type of thread," said Daria in a voice dripping with sarcasm as she spun the chamber, slammed it closed, cocked the hammer and put the barrel to her temple.
Before Daria could shoot, Quinn walked in to the room.
"EWWWWW. Daria you're gonna get brains all over the place."
Daria turned so that she was between the gun and Quinn.
"No! You're gonna get blood all over my new outfit. MOM! Daria is killing herself and ruining my life AGAIN!"
LOTR_Dan
As Kevin grabbed her ass with one hand and pulled her crotch tightly against his, slid his other hand up her shirt to grope her boob, and forced his tongue down her throat, Daria was once again glad that she'd convinced Kevin to date girls who weren't cheerleaders.
WacoKid
Glancing around the table at Trent Lane, Ted Dewitt-Clinton, Tiffany Blum-Deckler, Timothy O'Neill, Tommy Sherman, Tad and Tricia Gupty, and Tom Griffin, Tom Sloane rapped the gavel and called the weekly meeting of Secret Society of Evil Lawndalians Whose Names Begin With "T" to order.
WacoKid
Are you ready Nick?
Yeah.
Jesse?
Uh huh.
Max?
Okay.
Alright fellas, let's prepare the sacifice for our Dark Lord Satan.
As one, the four members of Mystic Spiral raised their hoods and turned toward the stone altar, where a gagged and bound Quinn Morgendorffer was strapped down, squirming and making mewling sounds through the gag.
Nick turned to Trent nervously. "Are you sure we have to do this man? This is a new robe."
Trent looked at Nick, expressionless. "We do if we ever want a recording contract from Columbia Records," he said.
"Oh."
"Now," Trent said, opening a large black book, "if there are no more objections...Shemhamforash. Hail Satan. We beg thee our dark Master, come forth...."
At the back of the dimly lit chamber, Daria Morgendorffer passed a Milky Way bar to her best friend, Jane Lane, who was grinning ear to ear.
"And you thought the weekend was gonna suck because of that fire at the Museum Of Human Oddities," Jane said, smirking.
"Okay, okay. Don't rub it in or I'll take back my damn candy bar," Daria replied.
Jane chuckled.
Brandon League
Daria: You didn't. Please tell me you didn't!
<:penguin walks in with various torture devices>:
Daria: Yep, they did. They started it again. The next few weeks are really gonna suck.
Penguin: I want you to.....
Daria: I know the drill, I've been through this thing 3 or 4 times already. Hurry will you? Maybe this time won't take as long.
Penguin <stands dazed> Um...ok?
A.J.
INT. THE CORVAIR--NIGHT.
The car races along the Carter County backroads, headlights off. THE TOMINATOR is driving, still wearing sunglasses to cover up his facial damage. DARIA is in the front passenger seat, resting her chin in one hand, looking very stressed out. The Tominator breaks the silence.
TOMINATOR This is tactically unwise.
DARIA (stolid) Drive faster.
TOMINATOR There is a three out of four chance that this is an ambush plan by the Robostudent. It knows what Landon did about you—Jane may simply be bait.
DARIA I don't care. We've got to get her out of there.
TOMINATOR If she hasn't been killed already, we will likely be killed, captured, or disabled before we could help her.
DARIA turns, scowling.
DARIA Or maybe she went with the Robo—damnit, went with JODIE out of her own free will! And maybe Jodie's just trying to survive!
TOMINATOR In which case, Jane may be in no danger, and our risking entering the situation would be unneccesary. We can either forward their location to Sloanedyne Operations, or simply wait for the Robostudent to succumb to full system failure—
DARIA (furious) No, damnit! Haven't you learned anything yet? Haven't you figured out why you just can't stand by and do nothing when there's even a CHANCE that you could help? I might be able to save TWO friends tonight...
TOMINATOR (interrupting) It is more probable that you will only needlessly sacrifice your own. For a person who may already be dead, and for a person who effectively IS dead already.
DARIA (sagging back in her seat) Listen 'Tin Man,' maybe YOU have the luxury of not caring who lives and who dies, but not everyone's that lucky. And as much as I've hated it in my life, I'm still a human being. I still have to feel. And I have to TRY.
There is silence for a few moments. Then, THE TOMINATOR reaches beside the door, pulls out the shotgun, and hands it butt-first to DARIA.
TOMINATOR Reload with buckshot, and keep. If something happens, try to run before trying to fight.
DARIA takes the gun.
TOMINATOR (continuing) If you have to fight, aim for It's head. Anything else will be too well armored or too hard to hit. Try to stay behind me, but not close to me.
DARIA pauses for a moment, then smiles, thinly.
DARIA Thank you.
TOMINATOR (beat) We are seven minutes to destination. Get ready.
Ranchoth
Glancing around the table at Trent Lane, Ted Dewitt-Clinton, Tiffany Blum-Deckler, Timothy O'Neill, Tommy Sherman, Tad and Tricia Gupty, and Tom Griffin, Tom Sloane rapped the gavel and called the weekly meeting of Secret Society of Evil Lawndalians Whose Names Begin With "T" to order.
Meanwhile, Anthony DeMartino banged forlornly on the window.
"But I'm telling you, my name abbreviates to 'Tony'!"
Gregor Samsa
Helen sat on the lid of the now-exposed toilet, looking up in fear, the hot, fetid breath of death ruffling her neatly coifed hair. The remnants of the storm dripped from the leaves above.
She knew her time was near. If the movies taught her anything, it was that tyrannosaurs liked nothing better than a nice, juicy, crunchy lawyer on the half shell.
She hoped that Daria and Quinn would make good this oppertunity to escape, but they were probably still fighting over that damned flashlight.
And Jake, oh that damned Jake, who led the beast right to her...
The tyrannosaur twitched her tail, her eyes glazing over in frustration and boredom over the endless exposition finally looked at the camera and growled, "While we're YOUNG, Spielberg?!?"
Deceleraptor
"Owwie. Owwie. Owwie." Daria limped into the living room, one hand holding the lower portion of her right leg.
"Hey kiddo, What's wrong?" Jake, holding a banana, stood up from the couch.
"Something's wrong with my boot. It hurts like the dickens." Daria bent over fully and began to unlace the straps.
"Here kiddo. Let me help you. First, let me put this banana in my pants pocket so I don't lose it. Gotta have fruit in my diet." He comes up from behind her.
"Feels like there's a rock in there." She begins to tug as the top of her boot just as the door opens, letting Helen, Jane, Mystic Spiral, and the Fashion Club in. "And, damnit, it's huge!"
"Jake! What are you doing with Daria?!?!?!?"
"Helen? I'm just helping..." Jake turns to the group. Everyone's eyes go wide. Jane smirks.
drmike
"Clovis, why the hell are we putting on these disguises?" Wasabi asked his good friend.
"Tom warned me about 'No scene a fanfic should have threads' and I'd like to get through unnoticed." Clovis replied as he put on fake glasses.
Wasabi frowned at the fake mustache he'd just put on. "Damn, still doesn't look right, I can't get it to match my hair color."
"Why didn't you just use the same dye you use on the rest of your hair?"
Wasabi looked at Clovis as if he'd spouted an extra head.
"What?" Clovis asked.
Wasabi looked away. "I though you knew I was a natural green."
RLobinske
Daria smirked as she finished typing at her computer, clicked with mouse and leaned back in her chair. She nodded as the forum gave her a positive response that her post had been saved.
"Let them eat my Russian porn spam," she said as she made her way to the next website.
drmike
Jake gazed up at the impossibly clear sky, at the myriad stars and strange constellations. Even the goggles he was wearing were no impediment.
"I don't know," he said, his voice muffled by the layers of cloth covering his mouth and nose, "maybe it would be wise to stay allied to Linda and Angela, even though they betrayed me at the last tribal council."
He hugged himself and bounced up and down, trying not to shiver as the bitter cold seeped through even the many layers of clothing beneath his parka. The wind nearly blew him over.
"Maybe I should join with Anthony and Claire, like they said. But it's just like military school, with the shifting alliances, cliques, and betrayels, the feeling of never fitting in, AND THAT DAMNED ELLENBOGEN TELLING MY STINKING OLD MAN EVERYTHING I DID THAT WENT WRONG! THEY JUST DON'T EVER LET UP! WELL, LISTEN OLD MAN! I'M GETTING THAT 1 MILLION DOLLARS DESPITE WHAT YOU MAY THINK OF ME! EVEN IF I FREEZE MY BUTT OFF WHILE DOING IT!"
He shook his fist at the sky, stamped his feet and fell on his backside as his boots slipped on the ice. With a howl of frustration ripped from his very bowels, he shouted to the six-month-long night, "AND WHY IN HELL DID I THINK 'SURVIVOR: ANTARCTICA' WAS A GOOD IDEA!!!"
Deceleraptor
Daria, Jane, Quinn, Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany stood in front of Miss Li's desk. He was furious.
"I can't believe the six of you left the mall without the rest of your class! Do you know what kind of lawsuits you could have caused if anything had happened to you?!?!?"
"Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time..." Jane mumbled. Jane gulped when she saw the glare the Miss Li gave her.
"I don't know what I'm going to do to get you girls to understand the seriousness of your actions!"
"You. Could. Forget. About. It." That earned Tiffany a glare. Li plopped down in her chair with a sigh. Her gaze slowly made her way across her desk until reaching an orange piece of paper. She picked it up and read it, a smile slowly appearing across her face.
"I know exactly what your punishment is going to be."
The girls look at one another and roll their eyes.
We fade into a small sports stadium set up like a bizarre baseball diamond with a garage built into the middle of the outfield fence.
"Good evening Baseketball fans. I'm Bob Costas along with Al Michaels and welcome to the start of the new Baseketball season. Tonight, we have the world champion Beers facing off the young upstart team, the Lawndale Leftovers."
"The Leftovers are a new team for this season."
'That's right, Al. And it's made up of high school girls."
"Don't I know it. Feel these..."
"Al, not again."
drmike
"But Sandi, are you sure about this?" Stacy whined.
"Of course I'm sure," Sandi replied, "the newest issue of Waif says that this is the latest thing."
"OK," Stacy pouted, "but if we're going to dress up as Star Wars characters, why do I have to wear the Princess Leia slave girl outfit?"
Sandi said nothing, adjusted her Imperial Officer's hat, then picked up the leash that went with Stacy's collar and smiled.
WacoKid
"C'mon, Daria," Trent said seductively, "You'd look cool with a six inch metal spike driven through your head."
Daria cursed herself and her total inablity to resist doing anything Trent wanted.
WacoKid
As he finished beating down Brittany and turned his drug-fueled rage on Jodie and Daria, Mack reflected that becoming a stereotypical black street pimp was the best decision he'd ever made.
WacoKid
"Yessss!!" cried Sandi as her jumpshot swished through the net.
Sandi and Stacy had just beaten Tiffany and Quinn at basketball.
"Can we quit now?" said Stacy, gasping for breath after five games had been played.
"Gee, Stacy," said Sandi, consulting her "Basketball for Dummies" book to see what to do next, "Waif magazine says jock chicks are really cool now. Don't you want to be cool?"
"Sure, Sandi," said Stacy, "but I think these boys want to use the court, too."
There were several dozen boys gathered around the court, watching.
"No, you girls go ahead and keep playing!" shouted one.
"We can wait!" shouted another.
"See, Stacy?" said Sandi. "OK, now according to this book we change teams. Me and Tiffany play Quinn and Stacy. This time we'll be Shirts and you two will be Skins ..."
mman
QUINN: It's been a good life. I've dated all the really cute boys. I can die at piece. (She swallows a handful of pills.)
TIFFANY: At least I stayed thin to the bitter end. (She swallows her handful.)
STACY (sobbing): Without Waif magazine, life no longer has any meaning. (She swallows her handful.)
SANDI: Val-as-in-Val, you may have bought our magazine, but here's four subscribers you're not gonna get. (She swallows her handful.)
And you thought Daria was suicidal.
SteveBlumDeckler
"And now," Daria said happily, "the 3rd annual Lawndale High Jock Strap Sniffing Competition will begin!"
WacoKid
As Dariia gripped the bat in her hand she began contemplating her targets.
Upchuck First, she thought, But I'll make sure he dies last. He had posted one too many nude pictures on his website. Then Kevin and Ted.
From the background, Helen called out.:"Daria, what are you doing tonight."
"Just going out clubbing."
Ben Breeck
"Would somebody like to get me a soda?" Daria asked as she tossed her head to one side playfully.
The Three T's, Trent, Ted and Tom all yelled, "Sure Daria!" "I'll get you one!" "How do you like your ice?"
The three young men began to push and shove each other. "Get out to they way, four-eyes." "Go take a nap, narco-boy." "I have a car that runs."
"You guys, you don't have to fight over me." Daria gave them a saintly smile. "Oh, dear." Quinn was right, this is a lot more fun. And they were so easy to train.
RLobinske
Daria stood at the grave of Anthony DeMartino
her High School History teacher who had been crushed to death pushing Kevin out of the way of a falling goalpost (Li obviously hadn't learned from the Tommy Sherman incident)
she still remembered his last words from just before the goalpost had hit...
"WHAT the HELL was I THINKING?"
Still at least she had managed to coax her mother into taking legal action to enforce that his funeral was carried out exactly as he had wanted
this was mainly because the major request was that Li and Kevin had been buried with him
the Wake was going to be one hell of a party.
DJW
"... and that's all I've got to say about Amy and that damned Rita," groused Helen, pausing for a sight.
The tyrannosaur looked up in hope.
"Then there's the office, let me tell you, what a pack of slave driving cheapskates..."
She moaned with hunger. It had been hours since that damned goat. She pulled two cards from her hand and threw them on the table.
"Two," she grumbled. The velociraptor dealt her two cards. She spent the next two minutes picking them up.
"Do you people know how damned hard it is to handle cards with only two fingers on each hand?" she grumbled.
The triceratops grumbled, "At least you stinking therapods have hands."
The tyrannosaur looked at her hand, threw it down in disgust. "Fold," she said, then listened forlornly as Helen disected each of the partners in excruciating detail while filing her nails.
Deceleraptor
"Dad?" Daria knocked on the upstairs bathroom door.
"Kiddo? You got it?" The door opened slightly and a hand reached out.
"One roll of toilet paper. here you go." Daria passed it in.
"That's great! And so quick! My wallet's in the living room on the coffee table." The door closed as daria went downstairs to get the twenty bucks.
drmike
Daria was walking along a sun-dappled suburban sidewalk, on her way to Jane’s when she abruptly stopped. “Oh, hell! You again.”
“Now that’s a bogus way to say hi to an old friend.” Cupid offered her a somewhat strained smile.
“Friend?” Daria glared at him. “Some friend. I finally figured out why I couldn’t keep my hands off of Tom that day. You almost cost me my friendship with Jane!”
Cupid frowned. “Sorry. I do my best, but it’s really hard for me to understand you mortals sometimes. Friendship isn’t really my thing.”
Instead of being mollified, Daria was outraged. “What! You… idiot! You go around using that mind control device on innocent people and you don’t even understand the first thing about human emotion? I’ll forget all about Tom in a few years, but I would have regretted losing Jane that way every day for the rest of my life!”
“Ooh! I see!” Cupid’s face lit with belated understanding.
Jane turned the corner jogging, saw Daria standing half a block ahead on the sidewalk and decided to tease her a little. “Hey, Amiga! Join me for a run?”
Cupid smiled at them with great benevolence. “I’m really sorry about the thing with Tom. Don't worry. I can fix everything.” He reached for his belt.
Jane skidded to a halt when she saw Cupid, somewhat obscured by a hedge. “Uh, oh.” She spun on her heel, ready to rocket out of sight, but couldn’t kill her momentum fast enough and tumbled sprawling on the lawn at their feet.
Daria gasped with sudden realization. “Not the taser!”
Cupid lowered the humming taser, then nodded decisively. “You’re right. Not for you two.”
Daria sighed with immense relief, then her eyes widened “No! We’re not g-
Cupid shot the two arrows with machinegun rapidity. “There you go! Right through the pumps. Nothing like bringing out the heavy artillery to overcome these little difficulties. Now you’ll love each other exclusively, forever! No more worries about the love life for you two!”
Daria stared miserably at her feet. Her father would hide. Her mother would be supportive. Way too supportive. She didn’t even want to think about Quinn. “As I was trying to point out, we’re not actually gay.”
Cupid frowned, and then swallowed. “Oh, crap. Well, you are now.” He cleared his throat, brightening. “But only for each other!”
“What!” Jane clapped a palm over her eyes. “Daria! Don’t look at me! Get away! We’ll email later and find a way around this, but don’t look at me! Maybe we can beat this fruitcake!”
There was nothing but silence, so Jane waited for a slow fifty count and then opened her eyes. The first thing she saw was a thunderstruck Daria, staring at her intently from very close range.
"Eeep!" Jane swallowed, feeling her soul flutter as it was snared by a pair of soft brown eyes.
"So." Cupid smiled. "Is everybody finally happy now?"
Jane reached out and cupped Daria's cheek. "Oh yes."
"I really do love this job." Cupid turned and headed back toward the restaurant, knowing that they wouldn't be interested in talking with anyone else for a good long while.
Nemo Blank
Daria was very curious about why Mr. O'Neil's brutalized corpse was at lying at the foot of the bed..
Ms. Kinnikufan
Daria was very curious about why Mr. O'Neil's brutalized corpse was at lying at the foot of the bed..
...and why a living Ms. Barch was still astride it in the throes of violent lovemaking.
The Angst Guy
Jane came to the Lane residence only to find it on fire.
"It looks like someone forgot the rule about not starting firs where there are no fireplaces again"
Ms. Kinnikufan
As Sandi showed off her newly re-slenderized form, Jane knew that the Fashion Club was back in business and, worst of all, she'd once again lost her bet with Daria. She was about to throw up her hands in defeat and just give Daria the money, but at the last moment, pride forced her to stop. There had to be a way to beat Daria at this game, but how? How, damn it?!
Then, like a bolt from the blue, it hit her.
"Double or nothing says you won't take a dump on the floor right here, right now in front of everybody."
WacoKid
Kevin leaned back against the lamp post, his eyes crossed.
"There you go, Honey." The tall busty blond stood up and wiped her chin.
Kevin smiled vacuously. "Woah! Not even the Babe will do that for me."
The large streetwalker smiled. "Hey, Sugar, the price was right."
Kevin pulled a notebook from his back pocket. "So, what's your name?"
The streetwalker frowned. "Why do you want to know?"
Kevin shrugged. "This was an experiment for my social science class. I had to put on this makeup and see if I could get people to talk to me. I finally found out that money could get them to. But nothing like this ever happened before! I have to write it up for Barch."
The drag queen shrugged. "My name is Albert Jones."
Kevin's shriek of horror shattered the streetlights for a three block radius.
Nemo Blank
Daria was in the heat of passions when there was a knock on her bedroom door.....
Daria and Quinn were in the heat of passions when there came a knock on the bedroom door.....
Daria, Quinn, and Veronica were in the heat of passions when there came a knock on the bedroom door.....
Daria, Quinn, Veronica and Jane were in the heat of passions when there came another knock on the door.....
Daria, Quinn, Veronica, Jane and Helen were in the heat of passions when...you guessed it...another knock from the door.....
Daria, Quinn, Veronica, Jane, Helen and the entire FC were in the heat of passions when.....aw you know already.....
Daria, Quinn, Veronica, Jane, Helen, the entire FC, and the entire Lawndale High cheerleading squad were in the heat of passions when something happened.....(Bet you'll never guess what)
Jake: What the hell is going on in here?!
Daria: Dad, why in the heck did you have to go and get a generator? We're the only ones with power in this half of the town, the cables out you can only get one station which happens to be NBC and "Passions" is on right now. So, one tv working in the town with one station and it's sweeps week, you figure it out Dad.
Jake: <you can hear the wheels grinding, after a minute...> Darnit! What's going on in here?!
Daria: <very, very deadpan> We're having an orgy.
Jake: Ha, ha, ha! Good one, kiddo! I'll have to remember that. <walks away>
Daria: <groans audibly>
Everyone: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
A.J.
Daria was very curious about why Mr. O'Neil's brutalized corpse was at lying at the foot of the bed..
But then she remembered the events of earlier in the day.
Helen's least known sister, Flo, had come to visit, of course bringing presents.
As always Quinn, squealed and clapped when Aunt Flo handed her her present, and also as always, Helen sulked and scowled as she watched her sister casually bribe her daughters with gifts. Jake for the most part, sat in the chair opposite and read through the basketball scores. However, Daria suspected that her father was using the paper more as a shield, than actually reading it. He, like Daria, knew that Helen had a tendency to get cranky whenever Aunt Flo visited.
Suddenly Quinn let out a ear-shattering squeal. Daria looked over and saw her sister unwrapping what appeared to be a small entertainment system, complete with 21-inch television, CD player and a pair of adjustable speakers. Helen's scowl deepened but she was able to pull it together and say, "That was very thoughtful, Flo. What do you say, Quinn?"
Quinn looked at her aunt with eyes dancing, "Thank you, Aunt Flo."
Giving a triumphant look at her sister, Quinn grabbed up her prize and lugged it up the stairs. Daria sensed that Quinn was heading for the telephone. She sighed.
"And don't think I've forgotten you, Daria dear," Aunt Flo continued in a raspy, wheedling voice. She produced a considerably smaller box and handed it to her oldest niece. Daria took it with trepidation, making a mental note of how much larger Quinn's box had been. She stared at it. God, even the wrapping paper was hideous. Pink with green strpies. Daria frowned.
"Go ahead, Daria, open it," her mother prodded.
Daria sighed and unenthusiastically began peeling the tacky wrapping paper off her present, already expecting the worst.
And she wasn't wrong by much.
"A goldfish," she said bitterly, staring at the tiny fish swimming in the small, clear bowl. "Just what I always wanted."
"Daria..." her mother warned.
"Why thank you dear," her aunt said, obviously missing the sarcasm. "I saw it in the store, and I just knew you'd love it."
"Yes, but the question is, will I love it more baked or fried?" Daria muttered under her breath.
Helen glared at her oldest daughter as Aunt Flo suddenly rose to her feet and stretched. "Helen dear, as much as I would love stay and chew the fat, I had a really rough trip and I would like to catch a few winks. Is that okay?"
"Of course, Flo, we've got the bed in the guest room all made up for you," Helen said. "Jake help Flo with her bags..."
As her mother, father and aunt left the room, Daria looked down at her new, unexpected pet. Maybe it was a trick of the light, but Daria could swear it was looking right at her...
***
Daria awoke shortly after midnight. She blinked and sat up in her bed, rubbing her eyes. Had she heard a crash, or merely imagined it? What in the-
...and that was when she saw the mangled, blood stained corpse of her English teacher, Timothy O'Neill, lying at the foot of her bed.
Daria, of course, did what any sane, rational girl would have done. She screamed and leapt out of the bed, hyperventilating badly. As she did so, she happened to glance at her new fish, sitting on her computer desk.
It was staring straight at her, as if asking for affection. As Daria watched in abject horror, the fish swam up to the edge of its bowl and puffed its cheeks twice. As it did so...the word "KILL" appeared on the glass.
Daria shrieked as a crash of thunder sounded outside...
Brandon League
"...hear the prayer of a warrior...daughter..."
Daria cycled the Springfield's bolt, and reaquired the target. The Hippie was down, collapsed against the statue's pedestal in the center of the Village Green, but he was still moving, thrashing like a stuck pig. Her shot had found his nervous system, but it was not a clean kill. She readjusted for windage, and continued her chant...
"Give my eyes a vision keen, to see the thing that must be seen..."
The Springfield cracked again. The shot cleaved perfectly through the Sniper's triangle, and the target went still. Through the scope Daria could see the longhair at the target's right, splattered with motted red, her(?) eyes closed, and a mouth open in a scream that Daria could barely hear at that distance.
Still, another hippie, making more mindless noise. She would have to go next.
"A steady hand I ask of Thee, the feel of wind on land or sea..."
Daria leaned back against the muffled old bell in the city hall's "steeple," opened the Springfield's action, and began mechanically loading in five fresh shells, one at a time. It was going well, so far. Five shots, four kills.
But there was still much work to be done. The cleansing was only just beggining.
She closed the breach, and leaned back over the ledge of the steeple. Some of the hippies were hiding, some trying to run, and some stood like deer in headlights. They didn't know where death had come from—the fools might still not have realized what was happening.
Much cleansing to do...
"For Justice sake a quiet heart...and grace and strength to do my part..."
Ranchoth
Mrs. Morgendorffer said she would buy the flowers herself.
For Marianne had her work cut out for her. The phones were ringing constantly, Pagier's men were coming. And then, thought Helen Morgendorffer, what an afternoon-- fresh as if flowing in the jubilation of a trial won.
Grefor Samsa
Daria, still holding the bloody knife, looked upon the pile of bodies of fanfic authors with great satisfaction...
Hierargo
As Sandi showed off her newly re-slenderized form, Jane knew that the Fashion Club was back in business and, worst of all, she'd once again lost her bet with Daria. She was about to throw up her hands in defeat and just give Daria the money, but at the last moment, pride forced her to stop. There had to be a way to beat Daria at this game, but how? How, damn it?!
Then, like a bolt from the blue, it hit her.
"Double or nothing says you won't take a dump on the floor right here, right now in front of everybody."
Five minutes later, Jane slapped the bills into Daria's hand, muttering angrily to herself.
Angelinhel
Five minutes later, Jane slapped the bills into Daria's hand, muttering angrily to herself.
...as she stepped around the gathered classmates and tried not to step into too much vomit. She only had a few seconds to make it to the ladies room to empty her own stomache. Damn that Daria! If she had been willing to do that, there was nothing stopping her.
...or was there?
drmike
As Daria and Jane sat in Daria's room, watching Sick Sad World ("He found the girl of his dreams - In A Graveyard! The Bride of Frankenstein, next on Sick Sad World!"), Jane reflected on how damn bored she was. There had to be something more interesting to do than this. Not that Daria would have any of it. Jane knew from experience that if she even suggested a new activity, it was a crap shoot how Daria might reaction. If it was something that caught her own interest, Daria might go along with it. But if not, Jane would have to backpeddle quickly and try to pass it off as a joke, or else it would start the whole cycle of paranoia and hurt feelings. Daria was a good friend, but incredibly clingy, and reacted badly to the slightest hint that her fears of Jane "rejecting" her for something (or someone) else were coming true.
Jane sighed and wished she had a boyfriend. Specifically, she wished that she and Daria both had boyfriends, so that Daria's own relationship would keep her happy (and occupied) while Jane pursued her own. As Jane's eyes scanned her friend's room, she saw something that gave her an idea. She considered it for a moment. It was crazy. There was no way Daria would go for it. She'd surely dismiss it as stupid and juvinile. Something Quinn and her friends would do, if they were able.
That was the key, she decided. She would have to play upon Daria's vanity a little. Her belief that she was smarter than everyone else, and would therefor be the only person who could possibly do this. Besides, if it worked, it would be good for Daria, she thought. It would give her a chance to practice this sort of thing without any real risk of rejection.
"Why don't we try making our own boyfriend?"
Daria never even looked away from the tv. "I'm not digging up a graveyard," she deadpanned.
"No, no, not like that. I mean on the computer. Like one of those, what do you call them? Artificial Intelligences. You just program it with a personality and we ask it a bunch of questions and see how it reacts."
"That's insane." But Daria had looked away from the tv and towards the computer. Jane smiled slightly. She'd hooked her fish, now to reel her in.
"Come on, it'll be cool to have our own puppet whose mind we can toy with, and besides, I can't do something like this without you."
Daria sighed and started to stand up. "OK, but this is going to take a while. Maybe even all night." Not that time was an issue. Daria's parrents were out of town and Quinn was staying at a friends, so they had the run of the house.
As the two sat in front of Daria's computer, the tv continued to play in the background. ("Celebrating his centenial even though he didn't quite make it - It's a Dead Man's Party, next on Sick Sad World!")
Outside, in the distance, was a delicate sound of thunder.
WacoKid
Halloween choked back tears as she cradled Guy Fawkes Day's broken body, and glared up at her foes with unrestrained hate.
"You'll never get away with this, you scurvy fop!" she hissed. "Even with your pipe-hitting honky goon—" X-Day still loomed over her, grinning now as much as ever "—you'll never get away with this! We've taken down coups before...Arbor Day, Earth Day, even May Day! And they were twice the Holiday you'll ever be!"
Her foe grinned, flashing a mouth of gold teeth. "Ah, but there's one thing I've got on them, luv..." He swaggered over, cupping Halloween's chin in his hand.
"...I'm International Talk-Like-A-Pirate-Day." He cocked his head, whimsically.
"...Savvy?"
Ranchoth
Halloween choked back tears as she cradled Guy Fawkes Day's broken body, and glared up at her foes with unrestrained hate.
"You'll never get away with this, you scurvy fop!" she hissed. "Even with your pipe-hitting honky goon—" X-Day still loomed over her, grinning now as much as ever "—you'll never get away with this! We've taken down coups before...Arbor Day, Earth Day, even May Day! And they were twice the Holiday you'll ever be!"
Her foe grinned, flashing a mouth of gold teeth. "Ah, but there's one thing I've got on them, luv..." He swaggered over, cupping Halloween's chin in his hand.
"...I'm International Talk-Like-A-Pirate-Day." He cocked his head, whimsically.
"...Savvy?"
'BELGIUM!'
The swaggering bastard was suddenly dropped in his tracks as a deafening CRACK! split the air, and a spray of water wet Halloween's face as she looked up to see an interesting-looking gent step off of the dolphin he had rode in on.
'Who- who the frak are you?'
'I'm Towel Day', he informed her bluntly, casually wringing the remains of International Talk-Like-A-Pirate-Day out of his heavy beach towel. 'That's for ruining another English holiday!'
He hopped back up on the dolphin, and tossed Halloween a soft, fluffy bath towel. 'Here. Learn to use it. Keep it with you always.
Brother Grimace
"And just where have you been, young lady?" Helen asked. "It's nearly midnight."
"Take it easy, Mom," Daria replied. "I didn't do anything wrong."
"Don't patronize me, Daria," Helen snapped. "I want to know where you were, who you were with, and why you were late. And if the answers don't satisfy me, it's off to Family Court."
"Forget Family Court," Daria muttered. "I didn't expect the Spanish Freakin' Inquisition."
Before Helen could reply, a jarring chord struck and the front door of 1111 Glen Oaks Lane burst open. "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquistion!"
Dennis
Before Helen could reply, a jarring chord struck and the front door of 1111 Glen Oaks Lane burst open. "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquistion!"
Trent Lane stepped into the room, wearing the red robes of a High Inquisitor. "Yo," he said, "like, we're the Spanish Inquisition, only we're thinking of changing the name to Mystik something something Explosion. Our main weapons are, um . . . they're . . . um . . ."
"They're cool," said Jesse.
"Don't mess with the Spanish Inquisition, man!" yelled someone outside. "We'll get medieval on your ass!"
Trent sighed. "Yeah," he said. "So, like, where's the comfy chair? We drove in from Spain and I'd like to sit down."
The Angst Guy
Tiffany: Eeeeeuuuuwww...what an ugly tombstone...I wonder why Stacy picked it out...
Sandi: Knowing what a dishrag Stacy could be, I'm sure the people at the funeral home bullied her into buying that ugly thing. And those geeks couldn't even get the dates right!
Quinn: Um, guys? Like, maybe this isn't Stacy's grave, but somebody with the same name as Stacy?
Tiffany: Uuuuummmm...Good point. If Stacy were dead, I think she'd tell us.
Sandi: (sarcastic) Gee, Quinn, what an astute observation. Clearly you have more insight into the possibilities of the situation than I do. In fact, I think you and Tiffany should impeach me and make Quinn Fashion Club president.
Quinn: Don't be silly, Sandi. According to the Fashion Club by-laws, we need more than 75% of the membership present for a quorum. Without Stacy, we can't impeach you.
Tiffany: Riiight. And besides, you'd be just as big a b!tch as a Fashion Club member as you are as president.
Sandi: (enraged, at Tiffany) Excuse me?
Quinn: (musical laugh) Oh Sandi--now you're sounding like my sister!
(Both Quinn and Tiffany start to laugh menacingly at Sandi)
Sandi: (anger turning to fear) What do you two think you're--
(Suddenly, the shadow of a figure wearing a hat and a poncho falls across Quinn, Sandi, and Tiffany. Music: theme from The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly. Cut to a medium shot of Stacy, wearing said hat and poncho)
Stacy: (cheerful as ever) Hey guys!
Sandi: (relieved but still rattled) Well--now that you're here, Stacy, you and the rest of your friends can get down to business and impeach me.
Stacy: Oh, Sandi--you're so naive. Don't you know there are only really two types of Fashion Club members? Those with guns--
(She throws her poncho over her shoulder to reveal a rifle. Tiffany and Quinn produce .9mm pistols)
Stacy: --and those who dig.
(Cut to a shot of Daria sitting on a limb in a tree above the grave. She is fashioning a noose from a rope tied to the limb.)
Daria: Hey. (Finishes the noose, and lets it drop. To Quinn:) Thanks for inviting me to Sandi's necktie party, sis.
(Cut to Sandi, now pale with fear, but trying to maintain some control.)
Sandi: D-d-did you hear that? Th-that weird girl is Q-Quinn's sister!
Stacy: We know all along, Sandi.
Tiffany. It was all just part of the plaaaan.
Stacy: Hey, how's Sandi supposed to dig without a shovel?
(Enter Jane with a shovel, which she drops on the ground at Sandi's feet.)
Jane: Sorry I'm late, but the lines at Payday were insane. (To Daria) Yo!
Daria: C'mon up. Saved you a good seat.
Stacy: (Gesturing with the rifle to the shovel) Better get started...
(Sequence of shots of Sandi digging a grave as the sun sets in the background intercut with shots of Daria and Jane pumping up an exercise ball with a bicycle pump. Finally, as the sun is on the horizon and the golden light is the most intense:)
Stacy: OK, that looks deep enough to me.
Jane: (tossing down the fully inflated exercise ball) Here, you better do some stretches after all that cardio work.
Daria: Not that it'll increase your longevity.
(Sandi climbs out of the grave and looks around, confused. Tiffany steadies the ball on the tombstone while Quinn motions for Sandi to stand on the ball, which she does, unsteadily.)
Tiffany: Don't forget your neckweeeeaaar. (points with her pistol to the noose.)
Quinn: I know hemp isn't as chic as pasmina, but it's much more environmentally friendly.
(Tottering and terrified, Sandi puts the noose around her neck as Daria and Jane climb down the tree. Daria takes a bit of rope from her pocket and ties Sandi's hands behind her back)
Stacy: (looking at her watch) Ohmigosh! Cashman's closes in 45 minutes.
Quinn: We better get going.
Tiffany: Riiight.
Jane: And I've got to get a run in before making Trent's breakfast. (beat) If he doesn't sleep in.
Daria: (waving goodbye to them all as they disperse) Later. (She removes her glasses, taking another, quite stylish pair from her jacket, which she removes, revealing her orange/brown tee-shirt to be the top of a full-length evening gown of indeterminate, shimmering color. She takes off her black skirt from under the gown, showing that the gown fits her figure--which is like Quinn's--perfectly. The skirt folds into a small evening bag into which she puts her jacket and--believe it or not--her boots. She tosses back her head and runs her hand through her hair once, and it turns into a perfect coif.)
Daria: (To Sandi) Think of it as an advanced yoga pose. You have to remain perfectly still, and your breathing must be absolutely even. (Turns to go. Stops and turns around.) By the way, did I ever tell you I was Fashion Editor at the paper at my old school in Highland? (Turns and exits)
(Slow zoom out from a shot of Sandi balanced on the ball in the gathering dark. Fade to a shot of her in the crosshairs of an infrared rifle sight. Cut to Stacy aiming her rifle.)
Stacy: Sorry I'm taking so long.
(Pull back to a shot of Quinn, Tiffany, Stacy, Jane, and Daria on a deck lit by tiki torches. Daria, dressed as elegantly as before, is reclining on a LeCorbusier chaise longue. Jane is working on a large abstract painting.)
Daria: Take your time, Stacy. After all, time and care make the difference between pret-a-porter and couture.
Stacy: Right.
(Cut back to Sandi in the crosshairs. Suddenly, the sight lurches down to the ball, and we hear a gunshot. Cut to Sandi atop the ball, which bursts immediately, hanging her. A instant after the rope has reached its full extension, the tree limb breaks, and Sandi falls into the grave.)
Daria: (watching through opera glasses) That showed finesse, Stacy.
Stacy:(frowning) I wasn't quite satisfied--it took me a look time to get a bead on the ball, but then I just... (shrugs)
Jane: (wiping her hands on a cloth) Hey, sometimes inspiration will take over when discipline and technique fail.
Daria: Good point. And with that, let's call the first meeting of the new Lawndale High Art-Fashion-Literature-and-Rifle Club to order...
Scissors MacGillicutty
"Okay, Dad, you've guilt trapped us all into going with you to church today," said Daria, frowning in the back seat.
"I don't see why you can't just let us find and follow our own path, Jake," said Helen with a glower. "This better not be some half-baked cult..."
"No," said Jake, "This is just your ordinary run of the mill church, nothing to get excited about. Besides, when you find something good you want to share it. What they say makes sense, and you have to admit it did help me stop drinking."
"Dad's got a point," said Quinn. "You two are just being mean and judgemental. I know my guardian angel would approve."
"Thanks, Sweetie!"
"No problem, Daddy."
Jake drove on in silence for a while, and then looked pensive. "Well there is one thing that I want each of you to promise me."
"Sure, Dad."
"Very well."
"Daria?"
"Under duress, but yeah, why not?"
Jake took a deep breath. "Promise me that unless the Spirit leads you, and you're sure it's the Holy Spirit's will, you won't take up one of the serpents."
There was a brief period of stunned silence before all Hell broke loose.
Deceleraptor
He hopped back up on the dolphin, and tossed Halloween a soft, fluffy bath towel. 'Here. Learn to use it. Keep it with you always.'
"What an insolent whelp!" said X-Day, merrily puffing on his bubble pipe. "I knew I liked that guy! But still..."
He pulled the pipe out of his teeth, and pulled out on the shank, extending the cleverly concealed antenna, raised the setup to his head, and spoke into the bowl microphone.
"Yom Hazikaron Day! Time for the 'Vogan Poetry Option.' Make me proud, laddie! Over."
"Roger that. And...'Yom' means 'Day' you redundant jackass. Out."
Seconds later, a battered old A-4 Skyhawk screeched insanely low overhead, blue Magen David insignia on the wings visible for just an instant before it was almost to the horizon. Shading his eyes from the sun, X-Day watched it start to pull into the LABS loop, then he smoothly pulled his fingers over his face.
Seconds later, a flash from the site of what had just become Holiday Island's newest lagoon was bright enough to cast the shadows of X-Days fingerbones onto his retinas.
He spun on his heel, turning back to Halloween and what was left of the two other holidays. He didn't have much longer until the blast wave hit, so he'd have to do this fast.
He reached into his pants pocket, pulled something out, and pushed it under Halloween's singed, cloudy eyes.
"Would you care for some...pre-1991 tuna, madame?" he said, unrolling the tin lid just as the roaring wind reached him.
Ranchoth
"Hey, everybody," Jake said excitedly, "who wants to go with me to SPATULA CITY!?"
"MEMEMEMEME!" Daria squeeled.
WacoKid
"Okay, Dad, you've guilt trapped us all into going with you to church today," said Daria, frowning in the back seat.
"Actually, girls," said Helen. "Your father and I both decided we've been neglecting our religious heritage. It's time we returned to it."
"Isn't religion kind of like, really popular right now?" asked Quinn.
"Quinn," said Helen, "you realize that there may be some lifestyle changes for y ... uh, I mean, for all of us."
"Um, Mom, Dad? What religion are we?" asked Daria.
Jake and Helen looked at each other, uneasily, for several seconds.
"We're Amish, Daria," said Jake.
mman
"Forget Family Court," Daria muttered. "I didn't expect the Spanish Freakin' Inquisition."
"Is that what you want?" Jake nervously asked.
"Yes. Yes it is" Daria answered sarcastically, content in having made yet another sardonic remark. How little she knew. The thought would recur through her brain in the remaining days of her life, right until she was placed upon the stake, consigned to the ashes.
"Rats."
Gregor Samsa
On her knees in the Sloane's kitchen, Daria kept wondering how she lot Tom talk her into this. She also couldn't avert her eyes from the object of her desire. Yeah, she had to admit she wanted this.
Standing, Tom looked at the top of Daria's head, a gentle smile on his lips. "Go ahead, Daria, you've done good so far". He could see the beads of perspiration on her forehead. It was something he had shared only once before, with Jane, and it had been very far from a success.
Daria was not naive, she knew what was coming. She'd seen books, had even seen that on TV once or twice and, of course, the subject had been broached at school. But experiencing it first hand was different. Very different. The smell was overwhelming, and the sight was making her salivate to her surprise. She wouldn't have guessed she had such leanings.
With some hesitation, she reached out and took it in her hand. It was hotter than she expected, and softer as well.
"Don't rush it, Daria, take your time. Savour it as it should be"
Despite the warning, she stuffed it in her mouth. Within seconds, a look of utter blis spread upon her face, and she sighed deeply.
Tom also released a big sigh. "I told you, nothing beats a homemade chocolate cake".
Mr Orange
WIND: Katie, how come you're a canonically established character, yet only one author has written about you in fanfic?
KATIE: Beats me. (beat) Steer south-by-southwest and aim for those great white sharks. We've got another dead fanfic-writer in the hold to get rid of.
WIND: Again?
Hierargo
"Welcome graduating class of 2000. Before we begin awarding the diplomas, I'm sure you're eagerly awaiting the announcement of who our valedictorian is this year. She's a very intelligent young lady who has a great number of things for this school. It gives me great pride to introduce Lawndale High's valedictorian, graduating with a 4.0 GPA, Miss. Tiffany Blum-Decker!"
"I'm. Such. A. Smart. Cookie."
drmike
"Welcome graduating class of 2000. Before we begin awarding the diplomas, I'm sure you're eagerly awaiting the announcement of who our valedictorian is this year. He's a very intelligent young man who has a great number of things for this school. It gives me great pride to introduce Lawndale High's valedictorian, graduating with a 4.0 GPA, Kevin Thompson!"
"I can get into any college I want. All right!"
Gregor Samsa
It gives me great pride to introduce Lawndale High's valedictorian, graduating with a 4.0 GPA, Kevin Thompson!"
Wait. A. Minute.
I. Want. To. Be. Vale... Vale-dic...
I. Want. To. Be. Number. One.
Everyone watches Tiffany go after Kevin with an ax.
drmike
'This is the final day in the JEOPARDY! Untimate Challenge Of Champions! Today's challengers are...
'A magazine publisher, from New York City, VAL!'
'An 'interpreter of sound', from Oakwood, Connetticut, Jesse Moreno!'
'And a high school student, from Lawndale, Connetticut, Kevin Thomphson!'
Brother Grimace
Alex Trebek: Kevin, you have control of the board.
Kevin: Cool! I'll take "The Rapists" for two hundred!
Alex: Um, that's "Therapists" Mr. Thompson.
Kevin: Oh! Dinosaurs, huh?
Alex: No, that would be therapods.
Kevin: Pod people?
Alex: No, that's not....
(Squeal from audience): Go, Kevvy, Go! Yay!
Kevin: Aw, thanks babe!
Alex: Look, let's start with someone else. Mr. Moreno?
Jesse: Cool.
Alex: Go ahead and pick a category and an amount, please.
Jesse: Yeah.
Alex: It's your turn.
Jesse: Cool.
Alex: Oh, nevermind! Commercial!
milderbeast
"Kevin, will drmike
Trent took a deep breath as he looked at Jesse, Max, and Nick, wondering if what he was about to do had been such a great idea after all. A glance out at the crowd that filled the Zon all ansxiously -- for them, anyway, --waiting for Mystic Spiral's new number told him that he'd better sing or get off the proverbial pot.
"C'mon, man," Jesse prodded. "This was your idea, ya know."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Trent said. He took another deep breath that filled his thin chest and, in a voice that sounded like a chipmunk whose shorts were three sizes too small, began to sing. "Lonelyyyyyyy, I'm so lonelyyyyyyyyy. I got no bodyyyyyyyy to call my owwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnn."
Greystar
'BELGIUM!'
The swaggering bastard was suddenly dropped in his tracks as a deafening CRACK! split the air, and a spray of water wet Halloween's face as she looked up to see an interesting-looking gent step off of the dolphin he had rode in on.
'Who- who the frak are you?'
'I'm Towel Day', he informed her bluntly, casually wringing the remains of International Talk-Like-A-Pirate-Day out of his heavy beach towel. 'That's for ruining another English holiday!'
He hopped back up on the dolphin, and tossed Halloween a soft, fluffy bath towel. 'Here. Learn to use it. Keep it with you always.'
Suddenly a blue towel with arms and legs appeared on the sidewalk. "Don't forget to bring a towel."
Halloween looked at the towel, "Towelie, you're the worst character ever."
Towelie, while smoking, replies "I know."
mjane79
As she watched the long line of prospective interns and associates march past her table, openly ogling the way the gym shorts and t-shirts molded around their firm, muscular, manly forms strengthened by years upon years of forced exercise, Helen decided that slaughtering the senior partners and taking Wolfman & Hart's consolidation offer was the best idea she'd ever had.
Brother Grimace
Kevin looked around the classroom and observed the students that he would be with this term. Several questions raced through his mind, while he averted his gaze out of the window and listening to the people chatter amongst themselves.
Alright, I better get this over with. Kevin thought quietly and stood up.
"Hello, I am Professor Kevin Thompson and welcome to Vector Calculus 1..." he said starting his speech to the students while pencils quitely scribbled down every word that was said and keystrokes could be heard.
Forget about being a QB Kevin thought after class, vector calculus is my true calling.
Elizabeth
"And the final categorie is, "Dimwitted cartoon duos from Texas."
Daria cracked her knuckles. Just hand me the check, Alex, she thought, and contact me when you hold the Tournament of champions, this puppy's in the bag.
"Uh, Laurel... no, wait, uh, who is Laurel and Costello and Curly Joe?" said Kevin.
"You'll have to wait til we come back from commercial, Kevin," said Alex Trebek.
"Besides, he said like a duo or something," sniffed Sandi, "you only mentioned like two?"
Montana, here I come! thought Daria, supressing a victory jig.
Deceleraptor
"Thank you! I'd now like to do a new one, written by our new songwriter, the Divine Ms. M. First, on drums, Max Tyler! [a scattering of applause] On rhythm guitar, Jesse Moreno! [Polite applause] On bass, the mighty Nick Campbell! [Two people applaud, and one woman shrieks, "Where's my child support, you assmunch!"] I'm Trent Lane [Polite applause and whistling and rebel yells from Jane.] and we're Blüe Spyral Cult... but we're thinking of changing our names! Hit it, guys!"
Slow, insistant power chords ring out as Trent steps up to the mike:
"With a disgusted grimace and a terrible sound
"Helpless people on a subway train
"He picks up the team bus and he throws it back down
"Oh no, they say he's got to go
"History shows again and again
They repeat thhe last line several times, then fade out to the best applause they'd ever recieved.
Jane whispered to Daria between her shouts and whistles, "So, you ever going to tell them it's a parody?"
"Nah, just let 'em figure it out for themselves."
The applause eventually dies, then Trent says, "Thank you! Wow. Uh, here's another one of hers."
"Hmm, wonder which one it will be," says Jane.
The band starts a quick, jarring, and anarchic intro. Trent growls into the mike, "Pax... vobiscum!"
"Ah," Daria smiled, "'Papacy in the UK.'"
"I is a Vicar of CHRIST..."
Deceleraptor
Montana, here I come! thought Daria, supressing a victory jig.
"Oh, I'm sorry but the correct question would have been "Who are Jenna and Barbara Bush?" as they played lead roles in Adam Sandler's 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre - Part 3.'"
"Excuse me?"
"How much did you wager?"
"Excuse me?!?!?!?"
drmike
"Oh, Daria," Quinn said tearfully from her hospital bed, "only now, after overdosing on drugs, admiting I have an eating disorder, being date-raped, getting expelled from school, falling in love with Trent, and being put in a coma after drunkenly crashing Mom's car into a tree - all at the same time - do I realize that I was wrong not live my life only to please you by living up to your standards and ideals. Can you ever forgive me?!"
Daria hugged her sister and smiled, her plan having worked perfectly.
WacoKid
"Oh, Daria," Quinn said tearfully from her hospital bed, "only now, after overdosing on drugs, admiting I have an eating disorder, being date-raped, getting expelled from school, falling in love with Trent, and being put in a coma after drunkenly crashing Mom's car into a tree - all at the same time - do I realize that I was wrong not live my life only to please you by living up to your standards and ideals. Can you ever forgive me?!"
Daria looked up from injecting the toxin into her IV. "Um, sure. I forgive you. I can't forgive you though for killing Jane, posting those naked shower pictures of me on the net, being kidnapped and tossed into Upchuck's bedroom, having my school transcript trashed, my college applications lost, and those horrible, horrible articles you had written in my name. But I'll forgive you for the stuff you mentioned." Daria smiled as the toxin made its way into her sister's system.
...Her half sister.
drmike
As a mushroom cloud formed over Lawndale, the Atomic Communists laughed, knowing that they would soon control the entire state...
Hierargo
Daria turned towards to Kevin in the Fallout shelter under the school and realized that her worse nightmare had finally come true.
She and Kevin were the last ones on the face of the earth.
drmike
"Sure, I'll help you re... re... make babies!" said Kevin. "But could you put on a cheerleader outfit and wear your hair in pigtails?"
Hierargo
"Sure, I'll help you re... re... make babies!" said Daria. "But could you put on a cheerleader outfit and wear your hair in pigtails?"
Angelinhel
Next on American Idol, Daria Morgendorffer and her rendition of Billy Idol's "Dancing With Myself".
WacoKid
"Lookie!Lookie!Lookie!Lookie!Lookie!AnotherWhiteLine!" Daria thought to herself as she pulled out a straw from under her coat with a smile.
"Um, Daria. Why are you trying to snort the white line on my street?"
drmike
Suppose that Daria grows up and gets a job at say, The Nation.
Suppose also that Daria gets access to CIA Agent Stan Smith (TM Seth Mcfarlane and FOX) for an article.
"Daria, I just got the word from Langley. I'm going to dethrone Hugo Chavez in Venesula. How? I'll figure that out (God, this will be hard, Stan thinks.) I'll let him run Citgo under an assumed indentity."
"Daria, If you promise not to publish a word of this, I can take you too, as a journalist. Deal?
Hmm... Daria thinks. If I break my word, I'll have a great story, and stuff the world would need to know at the end. But If I keep my word, my source will be much more happy. Okay, I'll keep my word, but under protest. I can still do an article about his weird family life. I respect what ex-stripper Haylie and the rest have gone through.
"Deal. I'll do the article about your family life."
"OK. I would normally protest, but we've got to get on the red eye to Caracas..."
"But Quinn," Jeffy whined, "why do I have to wear the dress this time?"
WacoKid
"But Quinn," Jeffy whined, "why do I have to wear the dress this time?"
"Shut up and spread 'em," said Quinn with a husky growl. She then turned to the waiting husky and unfastened his leash. "Go, boy! It's your turn to drive!"
The Angst Guy
"Alright, Griffin," Daria said with a sigh, "It has to do with the uranium-tainted water of Highland, Texas. There's nothing that can be done, but let it play out."
"But, there's got to be like, something we can do! Isn't there anything we can do?"
"Just don't give her anymore Jagermeister and Red Bull. Alchohol's fine, but it's the caffeine that sets it off."
In the background, Daria heard, "ARE YOU THREATENING ME?"
"Nooooo, Quinn, we would never do that! Would we Tiffany?"
"Noooo waaaaay, Staaacy."
"I need TP for my bunghole, bunghole. I AM THE GREAT QUINNHOLIO!!!! Quinnholiooooooooo!"
"You just don't like, know what we're going through!"
"Oh, yes I do. You think this is bad, you should have seen it when both of us were on a caffeine tear at the same time."
"[Thump!]"
"Griffen? Griffen? Sandi??" Daria shrugged and put the phone back on the hook. She picked it back up and dialed.
"Hey, Jane? Want to have some fun? How about driving me down to Sandi Griffen's house, and bring that sack of chocolate covered coffee beans. See you in a few!"
Daria got up and cracked her fingers with a grin, then went downstairs muttering, "Bunghole, bunghole, I'm from Lake Titicaca! In Neeeeek-aragua!"
Deceleraptor
It was at that point, as the rusty oven door closed on her, that Daria regretted accepting a dinner invitation from Salad Fingers.
atimnie
It was at that point, as he felt the ice pick enter his cranium, that Kevin regretted accepting a dinner invitation from Jeffrey Dahmer.
atimnie
"And the winner of this month's lottery...Myra Johanssen."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she screamed, as the mob advanced on her with knives and forks.
atimnie
"I don't have a library card, baby, but do you mind if I check you out?"
Daria gritted her teeth and shoved her way past the male student. No sooner has she done this than another boy popped up behind him.
"I wish I was crossed eyed so I could see you twice!"
Another two quickly followed.
"Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?"
"Girl, my love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in!"
Daria bolted past them and ducked into her history class.
In hindsight, this was a bad idea.
"Somebody call Heaven," a boy cried, "they're missing an angel!"
"You're so hot, you're going to melt the elastic in my underwear" another boy leared.
"Hey, Daria" Kevin added to the chorus, "how'd you get through security, cuz like, you're the bomb!"
"Mmm, fiesty momma, "Upchuck leared, "you're like a bowl of Lucky Charms, magically delicious!"
Even Mack wasn't immune.
"Daria, you must be Jamacian, because you're Jamacian me crazy."
Daria started to beat her head against the desk.
One moment of weakness. That's all it had taken to bring this upon her.
One moment of seeing the way boys fawned over her sister.
One moment of seeing Jane holding hands with her new boyfriend.
One moment when the powers of the universe would actually hear her and decide to answer her wish.
Damn it, she thought, why couldn't I have picked my words more carefully.
"If one were to look up 'fine' in the dictionary," Ted spoke, "They would see your image."
Why couldn't I have wished that A Boy would find me attractive.
WacoKid
—Do you, Butthead, take this woman, Daria Morgendorffer, to be your lawfully wedded wife?
—Uh huh huh...uhhh...huh huh...huh huh...do I, like, get to score if I say yes?
Damn biological clock, thought Daria. But at least she knew from her own photographic evidence that Butthead was indeed male. She was still reeling from the blow of discovering—at the very last possible moment, at that!—the real reason why Trent's favorite movie was Boys Don't Cry.
Scissors MacGillicutty
"So, Quinn," Sandi said with a wicked smile, "are you ready for your real innitiation into the Fashion Club?"
As Stacy and Tiffany held Quinn's arms, pinning her to the floor, she could only gulp and babble.
"Don't worry, Quinn," Stacy said, her voice heavy with excitement. "It's a real rush."
"I want to be in the Fashion Club, but I'm not dying to be in the Club," Quinn said, trying to force a nervous laugh.
Sandi just smiled even more and picked up her knife.
Wacokid
Daria looked up from injecting the toxin into her IV. "Um, sure. I forgive you. I can't forgive you though for killing Jane, posting those naked shower pictures of me on the net, being kidnapped and tossed into Upchuck's bedroom, having my school transcript trashed, my college applications lost, and those horrible, horrible articles you had written in my name. But I'll forgive you for the stuff you mentioned." Daria smiled as the toxin made its way into her sister's system.
...Her half sister.
"And don't get me started with what you did to the dog." Daria brushed some hair out of Quinn's now closed eyes.
The hospital room door flew open and a very perfectly groomed Jane leapt through it.
"Daria, wait! I'm alive! That was actually my evil twin Jessica dressed up as me who was killed in that nuclear accident at the power plant. I had been kidnapped and sent to Mexico where i was held against my well for three months in a hospital staffed by penguins who didn't speak English! It took me two weeks on a makeshift canoe that I made myself and had to paddle through the shipping lanes. But I'm back!"
Daria's eyes openned wide in shock. He scream was heard throughout the hospital.
drmike
As a mushroom cloud formed over Lawndale, the Atomic Communists laughed, knowing that they would soon control the entire state...
Daria peered out of the remains of the women's shower. Quinn nudged her from behind.
"Is it safe?" Jane asked.
"I think so." Daria stood and walked out into the debris field. Who would have know that Ms Li's strengthing of the shower walls would have saved them from the nuclear nighmare that had just occured. But if they had survived....
She turned towards the remains of the boy's shower. The charcol remains of a student, kneeling to tie his laces awaited her. She reached out a hand but the remains fell apart at the first touch.
A low moan came from behind them. They turned back as rushed to the locker where the noice had come from. Another moan was heard as they openned the door and Upchuck fell out.
"Please tell me we don't have to repopulate the earth with Upchuck," Jane pleaded.
drmike
Daria was slammed back into the fighter's seat as she increased the speed of the plane in an attempt to escape. Her eyes lifted briefly to the huge mother ship above her, now exploding internally with huge chunks falling to the ground. Damnit, Damnit, Damnit. Why did she have to be the one to fire the missle that had taken out the craft.
"You did it! Woo-Hoo! The son of a bitch did it!" The President's voice screamed into her head set, along with most of the remaining pilots and crew. Daria pulled the headset from her head, dropped it on her lap and sighed. Now, no one would ever leave her alone.
drmike
"Hey, Helen, watch me pull a rabit out of this hat!"
"But, Jake, that trick never works."
WacoKid
Daria was eased back into her seat as she pulled back on the throtle, the plane's rotary engines trying to pull her to the left as she tried to escape. Her eyes lifted briefly to see the sizable observation balloon above her with its rising fireball and falling, burning strips of canvas. Damnit, Damnit, Damnit. Why'd she have to be the one to get close enought to fire the incendiary bullets into the German craft?
"You did it! Woo-Hoo! The magnificent bitch did it!" the Espadrille Lafayette's captain seemed to mouth as he and the other pilots gave her a thumbs up from the open cocpits of their Nieuport 17's. Daria could imagine hearing their exclamations in the hum of the guide wires between her wings. Now no one would ever leave her alone.
Deceleraptor
"Girl you know it's true
And with that, Trent and Jesse began their career as Lawndale's definitive Milli Vanilli tribute band.
atinmie
"Is it safe?" Jane asked.
Even worse...
"Is it safe?" Jane asked, revving the little motor of the dental drill...
ranchoth
Max yelped as yet another bottle shattered against the chicken-wire barrier that kept the increasingly-annoyed crowd frequenting Bob's Country Bunker from coming onto the stage. 'That was too close!'
'Yeah,' Jesse agreed. 'And those lights are off on purpose.'
Trent sighed. 'Well, there's nothing left to do.'
Max winced. 'You mean-'
'Yeah. Try to keep up guys. Max - burn it.'
Max woke up the dead throughout the county with the durum riff that exploded off the stage, and the rest of Mystic Spiral began to rock out with a very familiar sound...
Well, I walk into the room
Women began to scream, and the stage lights came back on, brighter than ever as people began to dance and cheer as the Spiral continued...
Cause I saddle up my horse
Brother Grimace
"Thank God Mom and Dad are out at that marriage retreat and Quinn is at Stacy's tonight. No one would believe me." Daria said to herself as she stared at the giant egg now sitting in her backyard.
It started to crack open revealing a man wearing a red spacesuit with silver boots and a silver triangle on his chest.
"Greetings, I am Daria. You've landed on a planet called Earth. Do you understand?"
The being nodded.
"Can you speak my language?"
The being nodded again then declared.....
"Wow first extraterrestrial contact of mankind!" Daria thought to herself unusually giddily, while waiting for the being to speak.
He responded:
A.J.
"NANU NANU!"
"Gah damn it!" cried Jake. "Who dropped all the eggs on the kitchen floor?"
The Angst Guy
"Why do you keep blaming me for this?" Jane asked, her voice heavy with exasperation.
"Please stop talking to me," Daria snapped.
"You aren't being fair," Jane pouted. "And quite frankly, I think I've forgiven you for a lot worse."
Daria stopped and sighed.
"Look," she said, "I came to accept your brother's new 'lifestyle'...."
"I told you I was sorry about that, but I don't see what I can do about it!"
"Let me finish," Daria said impatiently. "I've come to accept 'Mack Daddy Trent'. But I cannot - will not - accept my father following in his footsteps."
And as if on cue, Jake Morgendorffer walked up, dressed exactly like Richard Roundtree in 'Shaft', gave the girls a Black Power salute and said, "What's up, righteous foxy mommas?"
Jane smiled weakly at Daria.
"But at least his car looks-"
"Shut up."
WacoKid
Next on Daria, Mack Daddy Pimp Trent vs Tom Sloane, Shogun of Lawndale in a Hip Hop Kung Fu fight to the finish!
WacoKid
Daria and Tom were sitting at a booth in Pizza King, waiting.
"So did Jane tell you anything about this new boyfriend of hers?" asked Tom.
"Not much," said Daria. "She said he's not like Nathan at all. I think she said he's in the military."
"A military guy?" said Tom, raising his eyebrows. "That doesn't sound like Jane ..."
"Here she comes," said Daria, pointing, as Jane walked in with a tall man dressed in a Marine uniform.
"Daria, Tom," said Jane, "this is Gomer Pyle ..."
mman
"Daria, for God's sake! Put the baseball bat down! We can still work this out!"
"It's too late for that, Jane. Much much too late."
"I told you, I was sorry! There's no way I could have seen it going this far!"
Down the hall, Daria's parents, who now insisted on being called "Billy Jake" and "Cleopatra Sable" were in their 8th hour of non-stop passionate - and noisey - love making. Not that they could barely be heard above the racket downstairs.
Downstairs in the Morgendorffer living room, Mack Daddy Trent, along with the former Mystic Spiral, now calling themselves Soul Tornado, were kicking out the rhymes old skool while Rapmaster Max worked the turntables. To this musical backdrop, Quinn and her friends in the newly rechristened Lawndale Hoodrats Sisterhood, dressed in thongs, bikini tops and insanely short skirts, were shaking their booties on top of the coffee table.
But the final straw, the part that had finally broken Daria's mind, was when her boyfriend, now answering only to The Notorious T.O.M., rolled up - bounced up might be more accurate - in his newly customized lowrider.
It wasn't Tom that did it. It was Jane. Jane and her stupid lame joke.
"But at least his car looks -"
She'd been completely blindsided when Daria whipped out the bat and struck her across the back.
"I'm going to kill them all," Daria had said, advancing on her former best friend. "Then I'm going to kill myself. But you die first."
WacoKid
As the blade of the lightsaber protruded through her chest, Padme reflected that Jar Jar Binks had long ago gone over to the Dark Side...
Oh, I'm sorry! Wrong fanfic universe!
Hierargo
Now I have to write the sequel...
Jar Jar Binks (AKA Darth Sillious) dropped dead on the ground when Ms. Li shot him with her blaster.
"There can only be one apprentice Sith!" she cried!
Hierargo
"There can only be one apprentice Sith!" she cried!
'Exactly...' Count O'Neill hised as he flowed from the teachers' lounge, his eyes aglow with a golden hue as he turned to Ms. Li. 'What is thy bidding, Mistress?'
Brother Grimace
It was truely a strange day in Lawndale when started to rain lemondrops and gumdrops...
Ms. Kinnikufan
It was at that point, as the Fashion Club turned to lesbianism, the cheerleaders went on a murder spree, Mystik Spiral resorted to cannibalism, and everyone else turned into giant cockroaches, that the Daria fanfic authors realized they were running short of ideas.
atinmie
Daria smiled cheerily and bounced her way to the breakfast table. "Hi everybody!"
Quinn stared at her, spoon arrested in mid-bite. "What's with you?"
Daria laughed. "My perscription finally kicked in! Perkadyne is awesome stuff! Thanks for making me take it, Mom."
Helen laughed uneasily. "Are you sure that everything's okay, Dear?"
Daria smiled even wider. "Couldn't be better! Those 'downer' mood swings are a thing of the past." She looked at the clock. "Oh! I've really got to go. I'm late for my Optimist Club meeting. Andrea will be there. She takes Perkadyne too. We're going to learn how to bake cookies! Bye, everybody!"
Quinn stared after her insane sister as she skipped out of the front door. Turning a scathing, baleful glare on her parents, Quinn slapped a palm onto the table. "Listen closely. If either one of you ever wants to make it into the good nursing home, take her off of that crap right now."
Jake finally looked up from the paper. "Is something the matter?"
Nemo Blank
"I'm going to kill them all," Daria had said, advancing on her former best friend. "Then I'm going to kill myself. But you die first."
Then Daria takes her shiny saber out and gets ready to fight everyone, starting with Jane to death...
nmorgendorffer
Daria looked on in shock as the entire gaggle of Lane children made out in a giant tub of ice cream and chocolate syrup.
"How dare Jane not invite me!" HMPFH! And she stormed off.
When she got home, her mother, and aunts were doing the same exact thing.
"I'll show you, Jane!" She then got out the camcorder and jumped into the fray.
A.J.
"Say good night, Jane," Daria sneared as she lifted the baseball bat above her head.
Jane cringed, her life flashing before her eyes as she was sure that no power on earth could save her now.
Suddenly, the window to Daria's room blasted inwards as a shape lept through it.
It was Michael "Mack" MacKenzie!
Wearing tight blue hot pants, a nearly skin-tight yellow shirt open all the way to his waste, and matching yellow wrestling boots. Around his waste was a huge steel chain, and a metal head band kept his jerry curled afro out of his face.
""Alright you mother-lovin', finger-lickin', chicken pluckers! You done messed up now! Cause I'm Mack Daddy, Mercenary Man!"
Mack struck a rather rediculous - and Jane was sure anatomically impossible - pose before pointing his finger at Daria.
"Give it up, crazy white mama, you don't stand a chance against my belief-defying strength!"
Daria just screamed in insane rage and struck Mack across the face with her bat.
However, the bat simply shattered agaist Mack Daddy's tungsten-hard skin.
In retaliation, he punched Daria in the face so hard that she crashed through her bedroom door and rolled down the stairs, into the middle of the party down below.
Still conscious, Daria crawled to her feet and bellowed in rage.
Mack Daddy leaped down the stairs. "Sho' nuff," he yelled, "this is about ta get Ugly!"
"No," Jane said as she watched from the top of the stairs, "we passed Ugly three or four exits back."
Once Mack had beaten Daria into submission, he looked around at the pimped out former Mystic Spiral and Fashion Club.
"Sweet Christmas, what the f*** is wrong with you white people?"
WacoKid
"Daria! Do you realise that we're the first siblings to travel back in time to the Neo-Assyrian Empire?"
"Quiet you."
Gregor Samsa
It was truely a strange day in Lawndale when started to rain lemondrops and gumdrops...
"Damn spell book!" cried Andrea. "I wanted chocolate!"
Hierargo
"...and by the power vested in me by the state of Massachusetts, I no prononce you married."
The happy couple turned toward each other, and Trent Lane and Tom Sloane shared the first kiss of their married life.
Dennis
Daria and Jane stood side by side looking up into the desert night sky. A heavy metal box sat in front of them.
"No one is ever going to believe this." Jane whispered as she watched the light shoot through the night sky.
"Jane, I don't belive it. I mean why did they pick the two of us?"
"Um, because you forgot to put gas in your mother's car?"
"Thank Quinn for that." Daria sighed, stooped and lifted the box. "We better get going. We have to reach the highway before the sun comes up."
"Why do we have to do that?" Jane picked up their backpacks and followed Daria.
"Jane. Think of the desert sun. It'll fry your brain. More so than now."
"Ha. Ha. Very funny. Got everything?"
"I think so....." Their voices drifted out as the camera pulls in to focus on a manual laying on the groud, the words "Instruction Manual" clearly labeled on the front cover.
drmike
As Daria sipped her double expresso and brandy, the quartet of penguins playing a smooth jazz number in the background, she reflected that O'Neill's idea for a coffeehouse in Lawndale wasn't actually too far off the mark.
Brother Grimace
Nick: Trent, are you sure this is a good idea?
Trent: Of course, it is man. No band has ever done anything like it. (beat) Well, I mean the Beatles performed on the roof of a building once, but this...this is something different entirely.
Max: You can say that again.
(The scene pans back to show all four members of Mystic Spiral are wearing polar bear costumes. They are all carrying their instruments, save Max, who is carrying a single bass drum. Trent is carrying his guitar and has a video camera slung over his shoulder. Jesse is standing in front of a sign that reads: PORTAGE GLACIER 13,321 FT ABOVE SEA LEVEL. Nick looks uneasy)
Nick: Coming all the way to Alaska is one thing, but filming a music video on top of a glacier? How safe is that?
Trent: It'll be fine, Nick. What better place to film a video for "Ice Box Woman?" I'm telling you, we'll get a record deal as soon as this video starts floating around. What could go wrong?
(They began to walk toward the glacier. As they do so, Nick, last in line, sees a faded sign partially obscured by a tree. It reads: DANGER! POLAR BEAR MATING SEASON! If you must visit the Portage Glacier during the last two weeks in September, take care to avoid any bears. Females, especially can be aggressive. -Signed, The Portage, Alaska Wildlife Campaign. 1017 Monnet Road, Portage AK 51156.)
Nick: Damn it.
Brandon League
The little red hair boy stared sullenly at Daria.
He hated this "it's okay to cry" place. Why didn't he run away when he had the chance?
"So, Buddy I understand you like to invent things?" she asked flatly.
Buddy Pine gave Daria the finger:
"You think that question is supposed to delude me into thinking you care? Well, I ain't falling for it. No one cares about each other. Not my parents and not my hero and definately not some high school 'guidance consouler' who looks like she doesn't want to be here at all! I'm not an idiot!"
"Hmmm...and I thought I was the most bitter, cynical person here."
Buddy crossed his arms.
"I hate this place and I hate all of you. Those are my feelings that Mr. O'Neil wanted you to etract from me. Can I go now? Getting a freaking wedgie from that stupid Josh is a hundred times less annoying then this."
Daria sighed. This kid was obnoxious.
"Look Buddy, it sucks now. But you seem to be a brilliant kid, I'm sure that when you grow up, you'll be able to wreck your righteous vengance on those who wronged you.Just like in the movies."
"You really think so?" Buddy's mood almost seem to brighten.
"Yeah. I'm sure of it." Daria unwittedly signed the death warrent for many innocent supers.
Ms. Kinnikufan
"Oh, Tom, I feel like I'm flying!"
It was then that Daria realized that Tom had pushed her out of the airplane.
WacoKid
"Mom!" said Quinn. "You got a letter!"
Quinn brought the mail into the kitchen as Daria at her toast. Helen quickly piled it into two separate stacks, into bills and mail from friends while not breaking her conversation with Eric.
One letter stood out among the rest. The letter was written in a scrawl. Helen handed it to Quinn. "Quinn, I don't know who this is from, read it please!"
Quinn opened the letter. She scrunched her face into a grimace.
"Did they use the big people's alphabet?" said Daria.
"Ha, ha." Quinn looked at the letter again. "There's just one word and I can't read it. I think it's 'Smith'. Or it could be 'Stetson'. Or --- "
"--- here!" said Daria, getting up to read it. She looked at the printing, and adjusted her glasses. "It's printed in eye strain o-vision. Tiny type. I think it's 'Samuel'."
"It's not 'Samuel'!" said Quinn.
"Give the letter here, girls!"
"It might be, 'Sadie'!" said Daria.
"Daria, do you think it begins with an 'S'? It could be a 'Q'!"
Helen moved the phone away from her mouth. "Girls, give me the letter and let me read it!"
Daria ignored Helen. "'Sonogram'? 'Slalom'?"
Quinn took the letter from Daria. "'Saddam'?"
"Dammit, girls!" said Helen. "I want that letter!"
"'Sensible'!"
"'Samoleon'!"
"'Salmon'!"
"'Salacious'!"
"GAH!" Helen yanked the letter out of Daria's hand. "Can't you read this? It says, 'Shazam'!"
Immediately, a bright blinding light, not unlike a lightning bolt, ripped through the roof without so much as disturbing a tile or a light fixture. The room was not disturbed in the least bit, but the lightning and smoke caused both Daria and Jane to jump back in fright.
The two girls cleared the smoke with their hands. When they looked at what had happened, they saw a 12-year old girl where their mother once stood. She looked like a much younger version of Helen.
The girl looked at Daria and Quinn. All the exasperated girl had to say was, "oh, crap!"
Roentgen
"Daria, I have something I need to tell you."
Daria, seated at the kitchen table, looked up from the morning paper. Quinn stood before her, head down cast, her hands nervously fidgeting.
"That you borrowed my new blouse without asking? Quinn, how could you?" she deadpanned dismissively before going back to her paper.
"Daria, this is serious."
Daria stopped reading but didn't do more than glance up at her sister. It was Quinn, so 'serious' undoubtably meant some sort of banal fashion problem.
"OK, fine, I'm listening."
"Daria," she too a deep breath, "I kissed your boyfriend."
Daria was stunned. Surely this was some sort of bad joke.
"Excuse me."
"I kissed your boyfriend," she repeated, voice heavy with sadness and guilt.
Daria fumed. That two-timing bastard. She never should've trusted that pompus spoiled son of a bitch. After what he did to Jane, she should have known better. And now he was doing the same thing to her.
"You kissed Tom?!" she spat angrily.
Quinn blinked.
"What? No," she said, now confused. "I kissed Trent, that guy you're cheating on Tom with."
WacoKid
"Quinn,"Helen said, walking into her youngest daughter's room, "Daria said you were upset."
Quinn was face down on her bed crying. "Of course I'm upset! I tried and I tried to get this boyfriend thing right and I just couldn't! I don't know who I'm gonna be buried with! My whole life has been a lie!"
Helen said down on the bed next to her. "Maybe you're not ready for a steady boyfriend just yet."
Quinn just cried even more. "Okay!" she sobbed, "I admit you were right! I'm not mature enough to have a boyfriend."
"Me??" Helen said, confused, "I never said you weren't mature enough for a boyfriend!"
Quinn sat up and looked at her mother. "But you said Daria was really mature to be in a relationship, so if I'm not in a relationship that makes me un-mature" - she looked thoughtful for a brief instant - "Or "im?"
"Well, Quinn," Helen said sweetly, "You are pretty immature." Quinn looked shocked and hurt at this. "But don't worry," her mother continued, "I've come up with just the solution."
"Huh?" Quinn wondered if her mother had gone crazy.
"Well, I saw how much that private tutor helped you over the summer, and after that you became much more grown up and mature in your accademic areas. So I decided to hire you another tutor. One who can help you mature in your relationship areas. And here he is now."
Quinn starred wide eyed as the man entered the room. Not him. Surely her mother would've picked anyone but him.
"Hello, Quinn," Ken Edwards said as he took her hand. "Maturity can be so simple when the hand of experience nurtures the budding flower to full blossom."
WacoKid
We're in 50 BC. All Outcastland is occupied by the Jocks.
All of it ?
No !
A small village, peopled by stalwart cynics, still resists to the invasion.
And life is not easy for the jock garrisons of Oakwood and Middleton.
The adventures of Darix and Janix, soon on your screen!
Mr Orange
Drained by loneliness and the sound of persistent sobbing, the night was desolate. Yes, the break-up had affected Ms. Morgendorffer. Her one true love had deserted her, never to return. She listened to the sound of her insides turning upon themselves. There had been other crushes, but she had really felt this was the one. All other loves paled in comparison to this companionship. Yet this was crushed by a flat announcement that the relationship was over, and perhaps never really was. They were going different places. It had ended, but the pain lingered.
Through endless soul-searching, a single question echoed throughout the house;
"Oh Jeffy, why did you leave me?" cried Daria.
Gregor Samsa
"Oh Jeffy, why did you leave me?" cried Daria.
Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Jeffy was enjoying a bad science-fiction film with his new girlfriend, Linusette the Penguin.
This guy's a sucker for anyone with a Godzilla DVD, she thought.
Hierargo
"It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood,
Hello boys and girls. My name is Miss Daria Morgendorffer. Can you say Morgendorffer? I knew you could.
Here. Just let me remove my outside boots and put on my inside boots. We wouldn't want to get the inside of my house all muddy now, would we?
drmike
KERMIT: For our next act, we have our very own Daria Morgendorffer and the Morgendorffians performing their hit song "It's Not Easy Wearing Green"!
TRENT: When did we become Morgendorffians?
JESSE: <Shrugs>
Hierargo
Artie had never been so nervous in his life, not even when those darn aliens had replaced his skin. It was his first real date since junior high, and he'd been hoping that everything went right tonight.
Pulling up to the house, he took a deep breath and tried to steady his nerves. Why should this be so difficult? He went up and knocked on doors all the time, sure he was delivering pizza and not bringing roses to the most beautiful girl in the world, but still...
"Okay, Artie, you can do this," he said to himself, then took a deep breath and got out of the car with the bouquet in his hands. He walked up to the door and, with a shaking hand, rang the bell.
"Oh, hey there young fella!" Jake said after the door opened a moment later.
"Hi, I'm here to see --"
"Yeah, right." Jake turned to yell up the stairs. "Helen, your date is here!"
This was going to be the best tip Artie ever got.
Greystar
Artie had never been so nervous in his life, not even when those darn aliens had replaced his skin. It was his first real date since junior high, and he'd been hoping that everything went right tonight.
Pulling up to the house, he took a deep breath and tried to steady his nerves. Why should this be so difficult? He went up and knocked on doors all the time, sure he was delivering pizza and not bringing ten gallons of chocolate sauce to the most beautiful girl in the world, but still...
"Okay, Artie, you can do this," he said to himself, then took a deep breath and got out of the car with the bouquet in his hands. He walked up to the door and, with a shaking hand, rang the bell.
"Oh, you wonderful kid!!" Mrs. Johansen said after the door opened a moment later.
As he was yanked in the door, Artie thought that this was going to be the best tip he ever got.
Greystar
"What? No," she said, now confused. "I kissed Trent, that guy you're cheating on Tom with."
This time it was Daria's turn to look confused. "What in the world makes you think I was cheating on Tom with Trent? He couldn't stay awake through a nine point earthquake."
Quinn was stunned. "Wait a second, isn't he the one that owns that big ugly black van?"
"Trent doesn't own the van, Max does." A blissfully dreamy expression came over Daria's face. "Do you know how many different things he can do with those drum sticks?"
"Oh yeah," Quinn sighed with a similar look on her face.
Greystar
"Miss Morgendorffer... as this is my 1,400th posting on the Paperpusher's Message Board, mark 2.0, I felt it was my duty to mark the occasion with an appropriate gesture."
'Ritual suicide in my presence, but only after burning your pencils, notebooks and computers in a bin large enough for your dying carcass to fall into and be consumed by the roaring fire?'
You're so amusing, my dear Chick of Misery.'
He snapped his fingers, and the lights in the Morgendorffer living room lowered, a microphone dropped from the ceiling, and several men that Daria vaguely recognized pranced out from the kitched, all wearing tuxedoes. 'Can I get a spot, please?'
The spotlight appeared on Brother Grimace, dressed in a equally impressive tuxedo, and he stepped back from the couch. 'This one's for you, Daria Morgendorffer. I don't know what the last six years would have been without you in my life. For everything you've been to me, and all of these other people... thank you.'
He lifted up his microphone, and began to sing...
You are so beautiful
You're everything I hoped for
Brother Grimace
"Mmmmmmmmmmm" Daria moaned as she licked the mixture of hot fudge, honey and icecream off of Upchuck's inner thigh. "Studsicles are my favorite."
WacoKid
"Mmmmmmmmmmm" Mrs Johansen moaned as she licked the mixture of hot fudge, honey and icecream off of DeMartino's inner thigh. "Studsicles are my favorite."
Greystar
"Please, Daria" Kevin said as he pulled her hand off his crotch, "I like you but only as a friend. And besides, I would never cheat on Brittany."
WacoKid
"Please, Jane," Tom said as he pulled her hand off of his crotch. "I like you but only as a friend. And besides, I would never cheat on Daria. Because cheating is wrong."
The two of them looked at each other for a full second before bursting out in shared laughter.
Then they had wild hot nasty sex together nonstop for seven hours.
Because hurting Daria turned them both on.
WacoKid
Linusette the Penguin, annoyed by the bizarrely rapid rate of postings to this thread and the dastardly turn of topic, dropped a glacier on the heads of many fanfic writers.
Hierargo
Linusette the Penguin, annoyed by the bizarrely rapid rate of postings to this thread and the dastardly turn of topic, dropped a glacier on the heads of many fanfic writers.
Boy, was he surprised when the world's largest ice sculpture, lovingly crafted in the image of an erect penguin penis, came speeding back towards him on a serious intercept vector, ready to penetrate everything in it's path, including him...
Brother Grimace
Daria reached for the handgun as soon as she had read the by line under the title:
"Co-written by Than Angst Guy and Brother Grimace, with special guest writer WacoKid"
Angelinhel
"You know," Jane said as she checked her lipstick in the mirror, "I'm so glad we decided to drop the whole 'Misery Chick' thing."
"Yeah, like totally," said Daria, who was making sure her miniskirt was pulled down low enough to show off her new thong. "Being Stupid Spoiled Whores is so much more fun."
WacoKid
Using the Force as her new boss Darth Vader had taught her, Daria forced the offending fanfic-writers to watch Beavis and Butt-Head.
Hierargo
Using the Force as her new boss Darth Vader had taught her, Daria forced the offending fanfic-writers to watch Beavis and Butt-Head.
'Uh, cool. uh,huh, uh, huh.... so, like, does that Darth guy, like, can he score wearing that suit? Cool...'
Brother Grimace
"Mmmmmmmmmmm" Daria moaned as she licked the mixture of hot fudge, honey and icecream off of Upchuck's inner thigh. "Studsicles are my favorite."
The romantic mood was broken suddenly by a loud throat-clearing sound. Daria looked up, the pique evident in her eyes. "I told you, to wait your goddamn turn. I paid for five minutes."
"And your five minutes were up eleven seconds ago," Isa Yo-Jo snarled back. "We're," she waved her hand to indicate Kristen Bealer, Angelinhel, Thea Zara, Tananda, RabidCureFan, Taryn, Kara Wild, Ms. Kinnekufan, and Damaged Roses, "in a hurry. Or can't you read?" She gestured to a large print sign on the wall. LADIES NIGHT! FANFIC WRITERS PLAY FOR FREE BEFORE EIGHT PM.
"Now, now ladies," said a bearded, middle aged man wearing a "Manitoba Penguin Association '88" T-shirt. "There's plenty of time to play with Charles before 8 o'clock...if you'll just calm down!"
No one knows who threw the first brick, but Kristen Bealer suddenly yelled, "Sucks to that, Angst Guy! We're tired of waiting!"
And then, the poor unassuming Angst Guy, who was only selling tickets to the Upchuck Ride to earn a little money to buy some extra angst, knew no more.
And all hell broke loose.
Brandon League
"Mmmmmmmmmmm" Jake moaned as she licked the mixture of hot fudge, honey and icecream off of Linda's inner thigh. "Frigid bitchcicles are my favorite."
Greystar
"MMMMMMMMMMM" moaned Jane as she licked the bound and gagged Harry Potter's chest. "Magically delicious British boys are my favorite."
WacoKid
"MMMMMMMMMMM" moaned Jane as she licked the bound and gagged Harry Potter's chest. "Magically delicious British boys are my favorite."
"Hey, you greedy Muggle git, give someone else a turn," said Draco Malfoy from the doorway, where he was lazily giving his new bullwhip a couple of test flicks. "I haven't got all day, you know."
"Sod off, Malfoy," came Ron Weasley's voice from behind him. "We've ALL got things to do but you don't hear us bitching, do you?"
"Too right," cried Hagrid, Snape, Fred Weasley and Voldemort at the same time.
Brandon League
"Mmmm..." Andrea moaned as she licked the mixture of blood, brains, and gore off of the gleaming steel blade. "The Sickle is my favorite!"
The mood was broken by a tortured, throaty noise. Andrea looked down at her pile of victims with a scowl. "I told you to wait your turn, Jeffy—I'll finish you off in a minute!"
Ranchoth
"Mr. Grimace -"
"I told you, call me 'Mack Daddy'."
"Um, ok, Mr. Mack Daddy, are you sure if I do this you'll write a story where I get to graduate high school?"
"That's what I said Kevin. Now, are you going to do it or are you backing out of our deal?"
"Um, no, I'm not backing out. It's just...."
"What?"
"I don't see why I have to wear a dress while I do it."
"That was the deal we made, Kevin, and I expect you to do it."
"OK."
"And remember, when you're finished, say 'Thank you for the lovely tea party'."
"Yes, sir."
"Yes what?"
"Yes, Mister Gri- I mean, Mack Daddy."
"Good boy. Now, kiss my Converse."
WacoKId
Jake died in ecstacy, sandwiched as he was between Linda Griffin, Angela Li, and Janet Barch.
Sleepless
"Sorry," Upchuck said distractedly, "I just can't seem to stop thinking about that dream I had where I was bungee jumping into a Chuck E. Cheese's full of nude ninja girls fighting the Predator."
"I know what you mean," Jane replied. "I can't stop thinking about that one where Angie, Nikki and Lisa soap me up in the shower after cheerleading practice and then have their Saphotic way with me."
"That's nothing," Jodie said longlingly, "Every night I have this dream where I'm being held prisoner by pirates until Daria's boyfriend, Tom comes and rescues me."
"In mine," Andrea said shyly, "Mack and I are both knights and he defeats me in single combat then makes me his woman."
"Really?" Kevin piped up? "You have those kinds of dreams about Mack Daddy to?"
The other four all looked at Kevin for a moment, then looked at each other, shrugged, and went back to their daydreaming.
WacoKid
"Really?" Kevin piped up? "You have those kinds of dreams about Mack Daddy to?"
Suddenly the Pizza King doors flew open and Lynn Cullen walked into the room, dressed as a nun. She stopped dead in the center of the restaurant and deadpanned, "Now it's time for something completely different," and left the way she came in.
Promptly, Kevin was crushed to death by a thousand pound pink salmon.
Brandon League
"Mmmmmmmmmmm" Jake moaned as he licked the mixture of hot fudge, honey and ice cream off of Joey's inner thigh. "Sloppy Joe's are my favorite."
A.J.
"Who knew all Trent's car needed was to be jumped over every cliff and canyon in this county to be kept running perfectly?"
"And who would've thought we'd be on probation for something we didn't do, thanks to Li?"
"All that excess, <ahem>: fund raising she's done she can afford to keep framing us for her own dirty schemes."
"And insisting on being called Boss all the time."
"And what's up with Jesse? Why does he insist we call him Uncle? He's not related to either of us?"
"Look out! The bridge is out over Swampy Creek!"
And as the General Cynic flew over the creek and into the distance, all one could hear was the voice of one Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane shouting.....
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!"
A.J.
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!"
A few scenes away, Trent was wondering if his butt looked big in those short shorts.
Isa Yo-Jo
A few scenes away, Trent was wondering if his butt looked big in those short shorts.
"It looks just right to me!" Jake said happily as he took a squeeze.
WacoKid
"LET'S GO, LANE FORCE!"
And with their mighty battle cry, the five garishly clothed Lane siblings lept up into the air and were surounded by a nimbus of crackling energy.
"Form feet and legs!" Summer and Wind yelled in unison, before being mystically transformed into giant leg-like apendages.
"Form arms and body!" Penny and Trent yelled in a similar fashion, and were likewise transformed (although, strangely, only into giant arms).
"And I'll form the Head!" Jane Lane yelled triumphantly, before metamorphing into a giant torso and head.
Crackling arcs of energy drew the five sections into one single giant body, which then exploded with an aura of power.
And with that, Lane-Tron went forth to battle the forces of conformity
WacoKid
"Monkey want a 'nana?" Trent cooed, waving a banana over her head.
As she reached her head up to snap at the banana, Trent snatched it away and laughed. He never got tired of this game.
And that made Daria cry.
Because he did it to her hour after hour, day after day, every single day since she'd had her arms, legs and tongue bitten off by baracudas five years ago.
But still, the banana game wasn't half as humiliating as what he did everytime he changed her diaper.
WacoKid
"Is that the best they can do?" Jane said as she tossed another "Scene No Daria Fanfic Should Have" into the wastebasket.
"I guess so," Daria replied, making the one she had just read into a paper airplane and launching it across the office. "Sex, violence, Beavis and Butthead--no subtlety, nothing that shows any deeper insight into our characters."
"Well, there's got to be something in this damn slushpile," Jane growled as she grabbed another stack of scenes. "I'll be damned if I have to hear another pitch from some punk writer fresh out of film school who's going to try to suck up by saying how much she--or he, Gah!--was like us in high school!"
"Speak for yourself, Lane," Daria replied as spun in her Aeron chair. The Giaconda smile played across her lips. "I always know it's going to be an interesting evening when a twenty-something boy starts off by telling me his favorite scene was the end of 'Quinn the Brain.'"
Jane glared at Daria. "Your problem, Morgendorffer, is that you have no standards."
"Jane, blue-eyed blonde girls from the Midwest who haven't eliminated their accents aren't a standard, just a predeliction."
"Hey, not only did she know who Damien Hirst and Jeff Koons were, she thought they were both overrated." She sniffled as if to clear her nostrils and began to flip feverishly through the pile of papers.
Daria gave a brief giggle. "Still upset that I outbid you for that Michael Jackson sculpture?" Her chair's rotation came to a stop with Daria directly facing Jane. For a moment Daria said nothing, and just watched Jane scan and then crumple or tear up each sheet she read. Then she got up and walked over to Jane's desk. "I thought you were going to lay off the Bolivian Marching Powder, Jane," she said, quiet rage in her voice.
Jane looked up at Daria, unfocused anger and anxiety in her eyes. "Well, excuse me if some of us are frigging HUMAN and aren't satisfied with Viacom's residuals, books and boys! We've been rotting in this office since '01, the original show is cut to shreds on The-N, and we can't even get a table at Nobu anymore!"
Daria rolled her eyes. "Jane, you told me you hate sushi."
"Damn right I hate sushi, but that's not the point!" Jane cried, slapping the pile of scenes. "We were working, we were in the public eye, we had critical acclaim!"
Daria groaned and fell back into her chair. "Here we go again," she muttered.
Jane stood up, sending the papers flying. "Right--here we go again, because it's always the damn same thing! I want to be working again, creating again! I fought to get that scene in "Is It College Yet?" that leaves the door open to another movie or even a new series, and you take a pass on all the decent treatments that show up the day after it airs. I said we should have been based on LA, but Nooooo, you want to be in New York--it's more "edgy" you say. I scan the fan boards looking for someone who wants to write for us out of real affection for our characters, and you insist on taking pitch meetings because you're too much of a misanthrope to go out and get laid like a normal person--"
She crumpled to the floor mid-rant as Daria's open palm landed a blow to her right temple and eye. Daria crouched down to Jane and began to hiss: "And you said you weren't ready to have another movie or show just after the end of the series. You said New York would be good because there's a better art scene here--where's your work, Jane? Hello? Hello? Damnit, do you ever even go to that damn loft you bought in DUMBO? You want to work like I want to share a set with Beavis and Butthead again. I just want the goddamn money, and so do you--admit it. Besides, you got to be happy-go-lucky Jane Lane while I spent five years as the Misery Chick. I'd sooner go to hell than spend another second as that character."
Jane, who had been groaning and curled into a fetal position on the floor, slowly stretched out and began to laugh. "The Misery Chick--oh God, you are so incredibly stupid Daria--you play a part for five years and don't have the least bit of insight into your role."
Daria stood up, sighing. "Whatever. You're going into detox, right now." She picked up the phone. "A car for me and Miss Lane--we're going to the Paine Whitney Clinic."
"But Ms. Morgendorffer, your 11:30 is here--"
"Just reschedule, please. Anytime after Tuesday next week."
"And programming from The-N called. They still want to drop the cuts and show the missing episodes."
Daria dropped her voice to a whisper. "Lesile, how many times do I have to repeat myself? No, no, no--the cuts stay, and those episodes don't get shown." She slammed down the phone.
Jane struggled to her feet, laughing bitterly. "Do you really think that showing chopped up episodes is going to drive up demand for an uncut series DVD?"
"Of course it will." Daria sneered at her. "God, Lane, you're pathetic."
"Freakin' friends, huh," Jane replied, steading herself. "I suppose it could be worse--Paine Whitney's a lot better than Bellevue."
"Don't tempt me, Lane," Daria said, hooking her arm through Jane's. "Let's get a move on."
Daria opened the door to their office and led Jane out. A well-built young man in a dark sports coat, polo shirt, and jeans was pleading with the secretary. "Are you sure I can't see Ms. Morgendorffer and Ms. Lane before that? I think they'll really--Oh my God! Ms. Lane--are you alright?"
The secretary bolted up from her chair "Mr. Verdi, please--"
Daria cut her off. "It's alright, Lesile, it's OK...Mr. Verdi is it?"
"Nick is fine, Ms. Morgendorffer--"
"Daria, Nick, please."
"Daria--Wow, this is just--but what happened to--"
"Jane? 'Fraid she hit her head on her desk, Nick. Just going to swing by the ER, make sure everything's OK." She batted her eyes at him and made a small pout. "Could you give me a hand here?"
"Sure! No problem, Ms. Mor--I mean, Daria." He wrapped an arm around Jane's waist.
Jane, her right eye now swollen and darkening, turned to the young man. "You like sushi, Nick?"
"Excuse me?"
Daria gave out a nervous titter. "It's just the blow to the head--probably just a concussion, but we better make sure."
They made it to the elevator in silence. Then Jane spoke: "Tell me Nick--do you have a favorite scene in the series?"
Daria bit her lip.
Nick replied, "I mean, every scene is just a gem, but I guess for my personal favorite, it's a toss up between the cheerleading scene in 'The F Word' and the end of 'Quinn the Brain.'"
Jane began to laugh again. "Excellent choices, Nick, excellent." A hollow echo of her laughter could be heard after the three had gotten into the elevator and left the floor.
==========
Notes:
Damien Hirst: British artist notorious for installations of sectioned animals in formaldehyde. Example Hirst work
Jeff Koons: American artist notorious for kitsch art and series of pornographic paintings of himself and his ex-wife, Italian porn star and member of Parliament, Cicciolina.
Nobu: expensive and exclusive Japanese restaurant in lower Manhattan.
DUMBO: neighborhood in Brooklyn; stands for "Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass." Gentrified in record time. Only trust fund dilettantes can afford lofts there.
Paine Whitney: Psychiatric clinic for the wealthy on Manhattan's Upper East side.
Scissors MacGillicutty
DARTH VADER: (Sings) I feel pretty, / I feel pretty, / I feel pretty and witty and bright, / And I pity, / Any Sith who isn't me tonight.
STORMTROOPERS: (Sing) La la la la la la la!
SANDI: That is, like, so cheesy— (Suddenly chokes and falls over dead.)
DARTH VADER: Do not underestimate the power of the Force to make anything fashionable! Do you understand?
QUINN, STACY, AND TIFFANY: Yes! Yes! Most definitely.
Hierargo
And with that, Lane-Tron went forth to battle the forces of conformity.
Megatron (with a snarl): We'll be wait-ing!
SteveBlumDeckler
"...of course you're against me! All skeletons are against me!" Angrily, Tom threw the rack of test tubes against the cave wall, and collapsed against a boulder, his fury giving way to exhausted despair. "They always have been. Even as a child, I was hated by skeletons!"
Ranchoth
The prosecutor stood ramrod straight in front of the judge as she read through her opening arguments with a flat, almost emotionless voice, as if she was unwilling to acknowledge that girl she was prosecuting had any rights at all
"The defendant, who calls herself Black Ice, has repeatedly committed criminal acts of a malicious nature. The defendant possess a superior intelligence, which she uses to a destructive and antisocial end...."
You think I'm anti social? Lady, you ain't seen nothing yet, the defendant thought as she rolled her eyes.
"...Her computer virus, known as Misery Chick, crashed one thousand five hundred and seventy four computer systems, including trading systems in the New York, Tokyo, and London stock markets -- single handedly causing an over all seven hundred point drop in the market."
Gimme a break, like those companies were worth anything anyway. Bimbo must have owned some of those money pits.
The rest of the trial seemed to go by in a flash, not that she paid any attention to it. Suddenly, it seemed it was time for a verdict.
"I hear by fine your family one hundred forty five thousand dollars," the judge said as the gallery behind her gasped in horror. "Also, you are hear by sentenced to probation, under which you are forbidden to on or operate a computer, touch tone telephone -- cellular or otherwise -- or PDA of any type, until the day of your eighteenth birthday.
"Patricia Gupty, you should be ashamed of yourself."
Greystar
Mystik Spiral finally found the fame and success that had illuded them for so many years when they offically became a Yanni cover band.
A.J.
"Wow, it's a remarkable story," Dr. Wessel said as she put down the diary, "and she's a remarkable young woman who's lucky to have such a wonderful friend."
"Yes," Dr. Xian replied, "or rather it would be, if it were at all true."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, for starters, her friend, Jane Lane, doesn't exist."
WacoKid
"So thirsty," murmured Tiffany, her blue swimsuit soaking up sweat under the motionless noon sun. Her three friends whispered agreement through dry lips as they lay in their lawn chairs by the pool: so thirsty . . . so thirsty . . . so thirsty. It was the hottest day ever, a blazing dry heat that left the tongue parched, too much heat to even think of moving. As she licked her cracked lips and groaned, Tiffany would have sold her soul for a single sip of soft drink from a gleaming, ice-cold can.
The Angst Guy
"So thirsty," murmured Tiffany, her blue swimsuit soaking up sweat under the motionless noon sun. Her three friends whispered agreement through dry lips as they lay in their lawn chairs by the pool: so thirsty . . . so thirsty . . . so thirsty. It was the hottest day ever, a blazing dry heat that left the tongue parched, too much heat to even think of moving. As she licked her cracked lips and groaned, Tiffany would have sold her soul for a single sip of soft drink from a gleaming, ice-cold can.
And the Devil came along, took one look at her soul, and decided it wasn't worth it.
Hierargo
Things were not going well at the house in Pepperhill the Fashion Club had rented for college.
(Scene: Sandi is sitting at the dinner table, wearing a black jacket covered with buttons.)
Sandi: Stacy? STACY?!? WHERE'S DINNER? The house rules say that you have to make dinner! How am I going to pass my sociology final if I don't get dinner?
(Stacy comes out of the kitchen, wearing a peasant skirt and a peace medallion.)
Stacy: Like, please, Sandi, don't harsh me out! There's only so much I can make with Macaroni and Cheese!
Sandi: (looks at plate) What's this? What are those clumpy bits?
Stacy: The box.
Sandi: You put the box in there? What's wrong with you?
Stacy: Well, I thought we needed some fiber! It might help you with your problem with the diarrhea --
Sandi: (stands up) -- I get it! I get it! This is your master plan! But I know what motivates it! JEALOUSY!
(now in Stacy's face) You can't stand it because I'm beautiful and successful and all the other students at Pepperhill love me, while you're a useless hippie!
I even wrote a poem! Do you want to hear it, Stacy?
Stacy: Uh, no, not really....
Sandi: And do you know why you don't want to hear it, Stacy? Because you're a tool of the establishment! With your establishment hair and your establishment ideas, oink oink! Let me lay this poem on you!
(reads)
Stacy!
(Sandi continues to read further, but cannot be heard over the sound of a motorcycle revving up in the background. Suddenly, the front door is smashed to pieces as Quinn drives her chopper into the living room through the front door. She wears motorcycle boots, a denim jacket that says "VERY METAL" and has her hair slicked back with what appear to be a metal butterfly permanently attached to her forehead.)
Quinn: IS SANDI READING ANOTHER OF HER SUCKY POEMS AGAIN?
Stacy: WHAT?
Quinn: I SAID, IS SANDI READING ANOTHER OF HER SUCKY POEMS AGAIN?
Stacy: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
(Quinn turns off the motorcycle. Sandi is still reading away.)
Sandi: (reading)
"That you support The President
Quinn: Sandi! Did you tape "The Price is Right" for me?
Sandi: That capitalistic garbage? Hell no! I'm a member of the Young Trotskyites! Take your fascist motorcycle out of here!
Quinn: Sandi! I'm going to look in the VCR, and if there's not a tape in there, I'm going to smash the VCR over your head!
Sandi: I can't hear you! LalalalaLALA!!
(Sandi continues reading as Quinn looks in the VCR.)
"You're just part of the machine,
(Sandi doesn't get a chance to complete the poem as Quinn pulls the VCR out from the TV cart, and breaks it in half over Sandi's head. Sandi falls unconscious with a thud.)
Quinn: So, Stacy...WHERE'S DINNER?
Stacy: Uh.... (pours out a plate for Quinn)
Quinn: (eats) Hmm. I like it when it's made right out of the box! Where's Tiffany?
Stacy: Oh, like, wow, I haven't seen Tiffany all day! I think she was like taking care of the rent.
(Tiffany comes throught the door. She is dressed in a plaid leisure suit and is wearing dark sunglasses. A cab driver is carrying her golf clubs up to the door, and instead of Tiffany paying the cab driver, the driver pays her....)
Tiffany: That ought to be enough. Sammy, let me introduce you to my friend Stacy, my friend Quinn, and some complete bitch called Sandi...!
Roentgen
"At last," Jane cried triumphantly as the ozone from the lightning strike disipated. "From these lifeless corpses I, Dr. Yentastein, have stitched together the perfect boyfriend for Daria! Trent's face, Tom's brain, and Ted's huge schlong!"
WacoKid
TUX THE PENGUIN: Hey, Hexley.
HEXLEY THE PLATYPUS: Yeah?
TUX: All the big software projects these days have cute animal mascots. I'm the mascot of Linux, and you're the mascot of Darwin, the core of Mac OS X. Who's the mascot of Windows?
HEXLEY: That would be her. (Points to Sandi's cat Fluffy, who suddenly explodes.) Microsoft hasn't been able hire an intelligent mascot since Crashy the Octopus burst into flames...
Hierargo
Tall British gentleman - Excuse me, I wish to register a complaint...excuse me, miss?
Quinn - Yes, what do you want?
TBg - Oh, you ARE a miss. Last time I had a cold and made a mistake on the gender identification of the person I was conversing with.
Quinn - Whatever. What do you want?
TBg - Yes, I wish to register a complaint about this ferret what I purchased from this very boutique not half an hour ago.
Quinn - That's impossible, sir.
TBg - Well, clearly, it is possible, because I'm complaining about it right at this very moment.
Quinn - No, what I mean is that it's impossible that you purchased a ferret from here a half hour ago, since we've only been open for five minutes.
TBg - Is that so, now?
Quinn - Yes, that, plus the fact that we don't sell ferrets here.
TBg - You don't?
Quinn - No, we don't. In fact, we don't sell anything in the weasel family.
TBg - No weasels at all?
Quinn - Nope. No ferrets, minks, mongooses...
TBg - A mongoose is part of the weasel family?
Quinn - Yes, I believe so.
TBg - I see. I suppose I should stop trying to teach mine to fly then.
Quinn - Yes, I suppose you should...Do you think we should end this sketch now?
TBg - What? End the sketch? Now? We didn't even get into the whole thing about the differences between a boutique, a store, a market, and a shop.
Quinn - Frankly, that felt a bit clumsy.
TBg - Did it? Oh, all right, let's end the bleeding sketch then. It works a lot better with a dead parrot anyway.
atimnie
He pulls the spitting high tension wires down
Scream as, bug-eyed, he looks in on them
As he wades through the buildings toward the center of town
Go go DeMartino!
Oh no, there goes Lawndale-oh
Go go DeMartino!
How essaus points out the folly of Kevin - DeMartino!"
Ooh ooh ooh, I love you."
Passing out hundred dollar bills
And it kills and it thrills like the horns on my Silverado grill
And I buy the bar a double round of crown
And everybody's getting down
An' this town ain't never gonna be the same!
and I ride into the city
I make a lot of noise
Cause the girls
They are so pretty
Riding up and down Broadway
on my old stud Leroy
And the girls say
Save a horse, ride a cowboy!
Everybody says -
Save a horse, Ride a cowboy...
"NANU NANU!"
A beautiful day for a neighbor.
Would you be mine.
Could you be mine.
It's a neighborly day in this beauty wood,
A neighborly day for a beauty
Would you be mine.
Could you be mine.
I have always wanted to have a neighbor
Just like you.
I've always wanted to live in a neighborhood
With you, so
Let's make the most of this beautiful day
Since we're together,
We might as well say,
"Would you be mine, could you be mine,
Won't you be, my neighbor?"
Won't you please?
Won't you please?
Please won't you be
My neighbor?"
To me
You are so beautiful
To me
Can't you see
You're everything I need
You are so beautiful
To me.
Do you know you're driving me cra-cy
Stacy?
Or are you just la-cy?
And out of plac-y?
And will the young punks rise up
And punch you in the fac-y?
Stac-y?
In his attack on the human rac-y -- "
Like Cagney and Lac-y,
When -- !"
