"Wow," Richard said excitedly to Daria, "this all must be so exciting for you!"

"Exciting?" Daria replied incredulously, "I just found out that I'm imaginary. My life, friends, family. Hey, let's make her a complete outcast, make her sister hate her, make her life miserable but it's okay. She's imaginary. I'm sorry if I don't feel as good about this as you do."

Meanwhile, in another part of town...

Bang, bang. Jane shot the man dead.

"Hello?" she screamed down the street. "I have just killed a man."

No response. She turned the other way. "I said, I've murdered somebody and I want to confess!" under her breath, she mumbled "Why do I have to be the one eyed man?"

Isa Yo-Jo

"Daria?" "Quinn?"

"Yes, Mom?", both replied.

"I know you've been suspecting this for awhile, mother's intuition if you will, but you're right. You are adopted. You see your Father has, um, a narrow urethra and was unable to father any children. We tried for 7 years constantly with no luck. He swears it has something to do with his father, like everything else in his life. Your father was checked out and believe it or not it was his fathers doing. Something about not wanting to further disgrace the world with an offspring from a whiny spineless brat."

By this time Quinn has long since fainted away and is lying on the floor in a heap. Undaunted, OH continues.

"Any idea on our real parents?"

"Yes. You both are from the same family, and we have kept in touch with them. They wished to be kept in the know about your lives and we obliged, figuring you would want to know someday." You'll both be happy to know that they're unfathomably rich. So, Daria, you'll have the pick of the world's best colleges and universities and Quinn will do whatever it is that Quinn does."

"If they're so rich, why did they give us up?"

"They weren't always. Around the time you were born many of their stocks hit a rapid decline and they had to scrape by. Since then Amalgamated Vulture and Torture Inc, Stock's Stocks, Universal Dynamite, and others have shot up to unprecedented heights."

"So, who are they?"

"I'll let them tell you themselves. You may come up now."

Emerging from the cellar.....

"Addams. Gomez and Morticia Addams. So you're Daria! You've developed into a genuine Addams from what Helen has told us." said the woman, apparently named Morticia.

Daria gave them the once over, the man in the pinstriped suit was smoking a cigar he took from his pocket seemingly already lit. And the woman was in a black dress so long and tight, she wondered how in the hell she could walk at all. They were so ghoulish looking they couldn't be real, but yet there they stood right in front of her.

After a few moments she finally responded, with a smirk the size of Rhode Island.....

"Can I tell Quinn personally when she wakes up?"


"Can I tell Quinn personally when she wakes up?"

"Of course, dear!" said Morticia, handing Daria an axe. "And you can give her a little exercise afterward. Twice around the house would be sufficient."

"One thing I don't understand," said Daria, accepting the axe. She looked down at her sister.

"I've anticipated you!" cried Gomez, waving his cigar about. "You're wondering how..." He gestured at Quinn and seemed to be at a loss for words.

"What we're trying to say, dear," interrupted Morticia, "is that your sister was left on our doorstep in a basket. We adopted her, too."

"Any idea where she came from?" asked Daria.

"I'm afraid so," said Gomez. "There was another family down the street, named the Munsters, I believe. They had an older girl rather like this one, and I suspect one was enough for them. Oh, she's waking up!"

Quinn rubbed her eyes and looked up at her sister.

"Time for your exercise!" cried Daria. The axe came up in her hands.

Tha Angst Guy

"No, dear," Morticia said, "I think she was from that other family."

Daria barely had time for this new information to cross her mind before Quinn's hand shot out and grabbed her leg, the superstrong grip crushing every bone in her ankle, grinding them to powder.

Luckily for Daria, the incredible pain made her brain shut down in shock, sparing her what was next.

Almost quicker than the eye could see, Quinn yanked Daria off of her feet and, still holding her by her booted ankle, slammed Daria face-first through to the Morgendorffer breakfast table. The impact smashed the table to pieces, destroyed Daria's glasses, and broke her nose and jaw. However, it was so powerful that Daria contined moving and hit the floor with the same force she'd hit the table, breaking her left arm and several of her ribs.

No sooner had Daria hit the floor when Quinn reversed direction and arced Daria over her head (snapping the older girl's thigh bone) and down toward the floor once again. This impact broke Daria's other arm, dislocated her hip, crushed part of her spine, and cracked her skull.

By this time, Daria was completely unconscious and felt absolutely nothing from her twelve additional impacts with the floor (including the fatal one that caused her already ruined head burst like a ripe mellon).

"You're right, dear," Gomez corrected himself. "It was the Rubbles."

At that moment, Jake looked up from his paper and saw the damage to the kitchen.

"Hey, who's going to pay for all this!? Damn it, I'm not made of money, you know!"


"Our lips are sealed
Our lips are sealed
Our lips are seeeealed"

And with that, the fashion club started their career as Lawndale's definitive Go go's cover band.


"Hey guys, if Sandi calls, tell her I'm not going to make tonight's meeting, okay?" Quinn said as she walked down the stairs and into the living room, and Daria and Helen's conversation came to a screeching, crashing halt as they took in her ensemble.

Quinn's hair had been dyed - or bleached, they couldn't tell - chalk white, maybe a shade or two darker than her skin. Blackish-red lipstick, eyeliner and nail polish stood out screamingly against her flesh. Her clothing consisted of a corset and bustier number that was more black and deep, deep reds in a lace like pattern and a heart attack inducingly short skirt of the same colors. Her shoes appeared to be some kind of cross between spiked heels and platforms, adding almost three inches to her height. Golden ankh earrings and third, smaller ankh hanging from a gold hoop in her exposed navel finished the look.

"Uh, that's an . . . interesting look for you, Quinn," Daria said as Helen's eyes about bugged out of her head and she tried to remember to breath.

"What? Can't I experiment with a new look if I want to?"

(PS: I dare anyone to draw Quinn as described above! )


(a selection from "scenes TAG should never write"...)

Teeth chattering, little Daria still managed to get out a counter argument. "But...so what if Earth develops wormhole generators? We'd just be an even more advanced species than we are now!"

"Advanced?" The frosty spider-robot hissed. "You see? You see? Your stupid minds! Stupid! STUPID!"

Monique lunged forward "That's all I'm taking from you!" she snapped, backhanding the robot's jaw, sending it sprawling.

—from Plan Blind from Now Can See


Amanda: Jane, now that you're eighteen, we have something we need to tell you."

Jane: Oh?

Trent: Just, um, remember. We wanted you to feel at home.

Jane: Yeah, right. What's up?

Amanda: Jane, you and Trent are my adopted children.

Jane: Wait, you told Trent and not me?

Trent: Jane, we're still brother and sister.

Amanda: Trent was five and you were a newborn when we took you in.

Jane: So, any idea of who are birth parents are?

Amanda: You're mother is here, I never new about your father.

Jane: Okay, so where is this lady?

Amy Barksdale enters

Amy: Hi, Jane. I'm your mother.

Jane: You mean all that time, I was trying to get Daria together with her cousin?!


Jane: You mean all that time, I was trying to get Daria together with her cousin?!

Amy: You what?

Jane (thinking aloud): On the other hand, that does explain little Edward's third eye.

The Angst Guy

Jane (thinking aloud): On the other hand, that does explain little Edward's third eye.

Amy: (pushing back her bangs and revealing a third eye of her own, which begins to glow bright green) Actually, that's a family thing.


"Time for your exercise!" cried Daria. The axe came up in her hands.

"Wait! While I love the dark as much as anyone, it's too dark for some exercise. Before you two go, there's one more person I'd like you to meet. Uncle Fester, do come up and meet your new nieces, they need your assistance."

"Sorry, Morticia, I was just admiring all the mold in the basement. A virtual cornucopia!"

Daria and Quinn just stood there mouths agape at the creaturewith a long black robe and bald head. Daria's smirk grew even wider, if thats possible, she then chased her off with the axe.

"Wait for me!" Fester cried as he stuck a light bulb in his mouth for the illumination the girls would need outside.

He runs off after them.

"How charming!" Morticia said. "She's fitting in already! I can't wait for her to meet Itt and Thing!"

"True, my dear! I think Quinn there could use some grooming tips from ole' Itt there. I think Itt's someone who she can really relate to in the Addams way!"

"We, we, Gomez"

"Oh Tish! You know how French drives me wild! Say some more! Soup du jour! Crepe sousette! Champagne!

"Later, dear. The girls now, passion later."

They failed to notice Helen and Jake on the couch doing the "passion" thing.


On a peaceful afternoon,millionaire Tom Sloane and his youthful ward Link Somethingorother where called away from their charity hot-dog contest to help combat obesity in young children and had to return to Sloane Manor where they received and URGENT message:

"Riddle me this, Riddle me that, why was I just robbed by a cat? fluffy feline ne'er do wells, Next on Sick Sad World!"

Tom turned off the TV, "Link it seems one of our old adversaries is up to their nefarious no good tricks again."

"Holy Cliche!"

"Indeed, ...Anthony"

"Yes SIR?" The aging butler to the young millionaire replied, as he entered with a tray in his hand

"I'm afraid we may be busy tonight" Tom Sloane continued as he approached a bust of Shakespeare, "Tell the Lawndale High security fundraiser we wont be able to attend."

"VERY well sir," he held out the tray "would you CARE for some CANAPES first SIR?"

"Not now Anthony" the young master replied as he lifted the head of the bust and pressed a concealed button, as a bookcase slid away to reveal a pair of fireman-type poles, "Tell Commissioner Morgen...dorffer that we're on the case."

with that he turned to his ward,

"Come Link, to the Penguin-cave!'

as the two slid down the poles the butler gave a sigh,

"Some day's you just can't get rid of a tray of canapes."

although it was Tom Sloane and Link Didn'thaveasurname that slid down the penguin-poles, it was Penguinman and Possumboy where the ones who reached the ground,

"Come Possumboy, to the Penguinmobile! there's only one person who could be behind this...Sandi Grffin AKA Bratwoman!"

"Holy bad pun Penguinman!"

"Indeed, now lets go..."

with that he pressed a button on the dashboard and the car left, spewing flames out of the back-end...which is odd since he pressed the button for the wind-shield wipers.


Link's full name is Benjamin Lincoln Parker. Back when he first started school, the other kids called him "Benji", so he started insisting on being called Link.


The fanfic-writers knew they had gone too far with the penguin jokes when Oswald Cobblepott showed up and threatened them menacingly with his umbrella.


The fanfic-writers knew they had gone too far with the penguin jokes when Oswald Cobblepott showed up and threatened them menacingly with his umbrella.

However a well thrown Halibut was enough to sort things out


However a well thrown Halibut was enough to sort things out

This turned out to be a bad idea once the Penguin's lawyer showed up and threatened to sue the fanfic-writers for mistreating penguins, not to mention for assault and battery with a fish.


"So," Quinn said to Jamie, "if you have a ring (Zp, *, +) where p is prime, it's also a field, since the group (Zp - {0}, *) is generated by every one of its elements, so in particular, for any element k there's another element j such that k * j = 1 modulo p, so every element in (Zp, *, +) has a multiplicative inverse. Make sense, Jerry?"

"It's Jamie!"

"Whatever. Do you get it?"

Jamie knit his brows. Field? Ring? "Gee Quinn, it's a big step, but if you wanna get married and have a house in the suburbs with a big backyard, yes, I say, yes, I will, Yes!"

Quinn rolled her eyes. "Just get me a soda. Two cubes."

Scissors MacGillicutty

"So," Daria grunted as she struggled against the straps binding her to the metal chair, "I guess you're finally getting your wish, huh mom? You're finally going to force me to get that make over so I'll be just like Quinn."

"Now, Daria," Helen said sweetly, "Don't be silly. I don't expect you to be like Quinn."

Daria was puzzled. "You don't."

"No, Daria," her mother continued happily, aiming a massive cutting laser at the chair, "I expect you to die."


This flashed across Darias mind in a second as she felt the first touch on her skin.

The soft scafs holding her to the dining room chair became restraints, and the cold gel became a hot laser. Her mothers voice however remained the same.

"No, Daria," her mother continued happily, heading a small paint brush for her hair, "I expect you to dye."


“I love you so much, Quinn! I’d do anything for you!” Jeffy fell to his knees. “Will you come out to Chez Pierre with me this weekend?”

“Chez Pierre?” Quinn cocked her head. “I don’t know. I have lots of homework.”

Joey laughed. “She hates you, deadbeat! Quinn, I’d never take you to a common place like that! How does an evening at Fortuno’s in New York City sound? We can take a commuter plane at five and be back in Lawndale by midnight!”

Quinn cocked her head the other way. “Is it a private plane? With big seats?”

Jamie guffawed. “You two morons. Quinn, would you come to the jewelry store with me tonight and look at diamond rings?”

Quinn shrugged. “Not those little bitty ones again.”

“I’ll get you a diamond mountain!”

Jamie took a breath to continue, but Quinn snapped and pointed at the door.

“Go away now. You can all work as much overtime as you can stand this weekend and buy me something nice for Monday. Now go.”

Quinn jumped when Daria walked into the Morgendorffer living room. She hadn’t been aware that anyone was home. “Daria? What are you doing here?”

“It’s just disgusting the way that you do that.” Daria sighed. “I sure wish that I knew your secret to controlling guys though.”

Quinn pulled on the hem of her tee shirt and then shrugged. Watching her sister’s eyes fix obediently on the butterfly appliqué, Quinn suddenly snapped her fingers. “Deep sleep, Daria.” The butterfly was brighter and worked better to focus the subject than her old smiley face ever had.

Daria instantly stopped talking and stood staring vacantly into space. After a moment a little bit of drool ran out of the corner of her mouth.

Quinn walked around her immobile sister, inspecting her like a work of art. Pulling up the ugly pleated skirt, Quinn smirked. The instruction to wear men’s boxer shorts had finally taken hold.

Quinn dropped the skirt. “Who do you love, Daria?”

Daria answered slowly. “I love Mom, Dad, you and Jane.” After a moment she added, “I love Trent and Aunt Amy and Grandma Ruth, too.”

Quinn considered that answer, a little bit ashamed of her power. She had found the book on hypnosis when she was six and had learned how to use it very well, gradually taking complete control over her sister, her father and most of her friends. Killing those two disgusting boys back in Texas didn’t really bother her, but the responsibility for making her sister wear the ugliest possible clothes and glasses was beginning to wear on her. She had matured a lot over the last few months and no longer hated Daria with the laser-like intensity of her half-forgotten Texas childhood. She actually wanted her sister to be happy. Not too happy, but a little bit happy.

“Do you love Tom?” Quinn was curious. She had been forced to work on both Jane and Tom to make that happen, and it had been risky. Jane was very resistant.

“No.” Daria’s reply was decisive.

“How do you feel about him?” Quinn found this interesting. Daria hadn’t liked him at all when she had implanted the first post-hypnotic suggestion to be open to Tom’s advances. It had been very difficult to suppress the inherent animosity.

“I don’t like Tom.” Daria’s voice was flat, empty of emotion.

“Why?” Quinn took the hideous glasses off of the subject and looked through them. Maybe she would remove the prohibition against makeup and contact lenses. She no longer felt any need to suppress her sister’s looks. The personality was perfect though.

“He took Jane away. Trent doesn’t look at me like he did any more. If Tom would go away then things could be like they were.”

Quinn nodded. Daria was seething with jealousy, as usual. She thought about simply ordering her to go sleep with Trent, just like she used to make her go drink out of the toilet, but that wouldn’t be any fun.

She had carefully kept Daria totally isolated in the past, not wanting to risk Daria getting a boyfriend or any friend at all. Jane being able to put up with the absolute bitch that she had made Daria into had been a huge surprise, but it had opened up a whole new avenue of exploration for Quinn.

Not that Daria was her only subject. Quinn had made Stacy sleep with Bret and later with Tiffany. She would test her abilities again very soon, having recently made a breakthrough with Sandi. After selflessly helping Sandi lose all that weight, Quinn couldn’t believe that the bitch was still so unremittingly hostile. She couldn’t know that Quinn had made her gain the weight in the first place, so what was her problem?

Sandi would definitely be sleeping with Upchuck the very next time she put Quinn down. No protection, either. Upchuck deserved a wife like Sandi and a bunch of kids exactly like her brothers. A Mrs. Johansson sized Sandi. Yes, wedding bells loomed for Sandi and Upchuck. Maybe a rewarding career in retail for them both. K-Mart was hiring.

Quinn smirked. It was definitely time to cut poor old Diarrhea some slack and concentrate on more interesting subjects. She could hardly wait.

“Listen to me Daria. You’re going to stop wearing ugly clothes and that underwear. You can wear contact lenses without them burning your eyes. You’ll think of trying it just as soon as you take off your glasses.”

Quinn heard a car in the driveway, and finished hurriedly. Her mother had never shown the slightest vulnerability to a post-hypnotic suggestion.

“You can stop dating Tom and pay attention to Trent again.” Quinn heard a door slam and the sound of her mother talking on the cell phone. “In fact, you can go over and see Jane tonight. If you see Trent, you can smile at him.” Quinn frowned. “You can only smile at Trent once a day without thinking of death. No one else. Ever.”

Quinn had gotten rid of Daria’s brilliant smile soon after hypnotizing her for the first time. It had been revenge for Daria putting a rubber snake in her bed. She didn’t ever want to see that obnoxious smile again. Daria would have to think of death for the rest of her life whenever she felt the urge to smile.

The doorknob rattled, and Quinn spoke quickly. “When I snap, go upstairs and change into your jeans and t shirt. Forget what we spoke of now and that you saw me today.”

Quinn snapped and darted out of the back door, not wanting to deal with Helen. Helen was just like her, invulnerable to hypnosis and the bane of her life.

Jane stood at the top of the stairs with the video camera, heart pounding. They had wanted to get footage of the three J’s humiliating themselves, but this…

Daria clumped up the stairs, her face wooden, ignoring Jane completely.

Shivering with rage, Jane followed her only friend to see what she could do. The tape would be a big help. She had a feeling that Daria was going to be smiling at Quinn very soon.

Nemo Blank

For most people, high school graduation is a happy event, but all Daria could do is frown angrily.

She'd never admit it in a million years, but she'd kind of, sort of, in the back of her mind, fantisized about being valedictorian.

Not that she'd really expected it. She'd figured Jodie would have it in the bag, and that wouldn't be too bad. Losing to Jodie was acceptable, if not pleasent. It hadn't even been a female student, which Daria had considered impossible. Ms. Bartch's gender-based (sexist) grading policy ensured that no male ever made higher than a C- in any science class.

Daria reflected that losing out on valedictorian to Upchuck would've been perhaps tolerable. He was incredibly annoying, but also annoyingly intelligent. Plus his extracurricular activities almost equelled Jodie's.

But it hadn't been Upchuck either.

As Daria's slow burn of anger continued, the class valedictorian finished his speach.


And with that, Kevin Thompson left the stage pumping his fist and continuing to woop loudly.

In the seat next to her, Jane took the words right out of Daria's mouth.

"F***ing football players and their f***ing byes."

Or rather, that's what Daria imagined Jane would have said if she'd been there, and hadn't been held back a year for failing to pass Algebra.


"Who the hell are you and why am I here?" Daria was in a dark room.

Suddenly the lights went on.

"Agent Rick Dicker, interagation#545465" the old man mumbled.

"Who the hell are you?"

"Ms. Morgandoffer, were you a camp consouler at "It's okay to cry" Corral?"

"Yes. It was awful."

"Did you know a kid named Buddy Pine?'

"Yeah...he was full of hate and flipped me the bird. I didn't like him."

"Did you tell him that he would someday get revenge?"

"Yeah, but I was being sarcastic"

Rick Dicker dropped the many photo of supers on the desk.

"These guys wish you hadn't ,Ms. Morgandoffer! Do you understand what you inspired! Do you?"

Ms. Kinnikufan

"But that's impossible," Tom said, "Daria would never kill youngl- young ... children. Well, except for that one time she did it before, and it totally made me hot. But no, I refused to believe Daria did this."

"Look, you thickheaded idiot," Jane replied, "I've got the whole thing on freakin' video tape. What more do you need?"

"But my love for Daria is like a loving river of loving love."

"Screw this, I'm going to go be a hermit."


"Well," Queen Amidaria said, "Now that we've registered our complaint before the Imperial Senate and Senator Palpatom is in position to become Supreme Chancellor, my work here is done. There's only one thing left to do."

"Return to Naboo and free your people from the grasp of the Trade Federation?" asked Qui-Gon Quinn.

"Hell, no. Sick Sad World marathon. Going back to Naboo sounds way too much like work." Amidaria sprawled on the couch and grabbed the remote.

Palpatom only smiled.


Palpatom only smiled.

He stopped smiling once Kev Kev Binks walked into the room. Kev Kev tripped over his own feet, knocking into Palpatom. When Palpatom hit the floor, he accidentally hit the "on" switch on the lightsaber stashed in his robes. Palpatom tried to use his final breath to say how much he hated Gungans, but with a lightsaber blade in his chest, that proved too difficult.


Daria had to admit that Beavis and Butthead were right about one thing: fire was cool.

Espicially if it was on an ex-boyfriend such as Tom.

Ms. Kinnikufan

Espicially if it was on an ex-boyfriend such as Tom.

However, when Tom came back a year later as a vengeaful phantasm and killed everyone Daria even remotely cared about in their dreams, she reflected that it had been a bad idea.

Especially since he insisted on wearing that ugly Christmas sweater she'd given him as a gag gift.


"You're going to have just a super time dating Daria," Jane muttered sarcasticly as she sat in the swing, feeling incredibly depressed. "She loves to have fun."

"I didn't say I was going to date her," Tom replied with mild annoyance. "I know how antisocial she is."

"Hey, she's all right. Give her a chance," Jane said defensively.

"No, seriously. I have absolutely no desire to date Daria."

"But what about,,,?"

"Seriously, I'd rather clean all of the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue than put up with her crap any more."


"And I'd rather rip out my intestines with a fork than have the two of you around to keep reminding me of this entire fiasco."


"In fact, I'm probably going to spend next month's allowance to buy the Zon and the Pizza King, just so I can burn them both down because they remind me of you and Daria."

"You son of a -"

"I'm even tired of having you around." Tom snapped his fingers. "Marco, Tony, please escort Miss Lane off the property. And inform the rest of the security staff that she's not allowed back in."

Two large men in dark suits suddenly appeared out of no where to grab Jane by her arms and forcefully drag her away.

"If she gives you too much trouble, dont' be afraid to rough her up a bit." Tom turned to another older man, dressed in a much better suit. "Alfred, tommorow arange for Vitale, Davis, Horowitz, Riordan, Schrecter & Schrecter to fire Mrs. Morgendorffer. Embezzlement or something white collar like that. And look into how hard it would be to plant something in Daria's school locker. A gun, coke, something that will get her expelled. Leave her father and sister alone, I don't care about them. Oh, and have Mystic Spiral blacklisted from every club, radio station and record store in this and every neighboring state; I dont' ever want to hear their music again. And have someone who can't be connected to us beat up Trent Lane and break all of his fingers. He just annoys me."

"Very good, Master Sloane. Will there be anything else?"

"Yes, get me two $1000 an hour prostitutes for the afternoon. Asian ones. And a glass of panda milk."

"As you wish, sir."

"It's good to be the king."


"I cannot believe you talked me into this, Jane." Daria Morgendorffer stood with her arms crossed, glaring at her best friend bitterly.

"Oh come on, Daria," Jane Lane replied, grinning. "We're both getting extra credit in science for this, and we'll most likely be on TV too.

"Animal Planet, Jane. It's not like we're doing a walk-in role on CSI: Elevator Operators Division or Survivor: Bosnia or whatever the hell is the flavor of the month. This is Animal Planet. Grade Z nature shows, documentaries about dinosaurs and parrots that wear roller skates."

Jane looked at her, an eyebrow cocked. Daria rolled her eyes.

"I had a hundred and three degree fever. I was lying on the couch, too sick to move, let alone change the channel. The one thing I remember vividly is Slater from Saved By The Bell hosting this pet tricks show where a parrot rode on roller skates. I would have thought it was just another hallucination, but Dad thought it was hilarious."

"Uh huh."

"It's the truth....I-"

The conversation broke off as a neatly dressed woman with blonde hair approached them, holding a clipboard.

"Miss Morgendorffer. I'm Ms. Sinclair, a legal representative for Animal Planet. Before we can film the show on your property, we need you to sign a couple of forms."

Daria opened her mouth, presumably to tell Ms. Sinclair that her parents owned the house legally and were at a marriage seminar in Dallas for the weekend...but Jane nudged her.

"Oh what the hell," she muttered, taking the clipboard from the lady and scribbling her name on it.

"Very good," Ms. Sinclair said, "and you both have to sign this one." She pointed to a form beneath it that was printed on canary yellow paper. It reminded Daria of a speeding ticket.

"What's this?" Jane asked.

"Oh this?" Ms Sinclair asked with a nervous chuckle. "This just says that, um, on the off chance that something happens to one or both of you, you won't hold the station liable. "Technicality, really."

Daria's eyes widened, but Jane chuckled airly. "Sure thing. A wise man once said, 'A day you don't cheat death is a day you didn't really live'." She signed the paper and handed it to Daria, who, after staring at the form for nearly half a minute, signed it with the grim resolve of a man going to the gallows.

"Thanks, ladies." Quick as a hiccup, Sinclair vanished.

Daria sighed. "There but for the grace of God," she muttered.

Jane slapped her lightly on the shoulder. "It'll be okay."

A man with a video camera walked up. "Miss Morgenstern?" he asked tenatively, "we're ready to start."

"Oh, ducky," Daria grumbled, "we're off to a real good start."

"We're ready," Jane told the man. She turned to Daria. "Just keep telling yourself amiga, that this for an easy extra credit grade in Science. Besides what could possibly go wrong?"

"I already get an A in-" Daria began, but the cameraman drew a line across his throat and began to count backwards from three.

At "one", a bright light came on atop the camera and the front door of the Morgendorffer home flew open, revealing a man in his late thirties to early forties. He had sandy blonde hair and was dressed entirely in khaki. When he spoke, his voice had a defined Australian accent.

"G'day!" he said cheerily. "I'm Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, and we are here in the cheerful little 'burb of Lawndale, Texas. As you at home no doubt know, this is day four of our jaunt across the Southern United States in search of," he paused dramatically before grinning cheekily into the camera, "America's most venemous snakes!"

"Now," he said, turning to Daria and Jane. "I'd like to introduce you to Miss Daria Morgendorffer, who is allowing us to use her backyard to search for one of America's most deadly snakes, the Texas Coral Snake!"

"Meep," said Jane. Her eyes were as big as billiard balls and her face was slowly taking on the color of cream cheese.

"Brilliant deduction, Watson," Daria muttered out of the side of her mouth as the Crocodile Hunter babbled on, oblivious, to the TV camera. "'What could go wrong?' I believe you said."

"Ah hell," Jane muttered, dejected.

"Yeah," said Daria.

Brandon League

"Hi, I'm Kara!"

"And I'm Steven!"

"And we're.."

"You're Fairly PPMB Moderators!"

"So, who are those guys?" You ask pointing off to the side at two others. One wears a Kmart vest and the other has the head of a fly.

"Oh, those are just the interns."


Daria could scarcely contain her disappointment at the twentieth rejection notice she received for her first novel, and after she stomped up the stairs to her room to sulk, her mother took the time to have a look at the manuscript for the novel, which had been returned with the rejection notice, and it was then she learned that the novel was a 687-page epic tale of high adventure starring a body louse trying to find its way out of Quinn's pubic hair.

The Angst Guy

It was when the large boulder floated by, followed quickly by Kevin's exclimation of "Cool! I've got the Force!" that Daria knew it was going to be a bad day.


Trent adjusted his cowboy hat, tugged on the string tie and smiled at the crowd in a sickly way. He had sold out, but at least he'd gotten cash for his dignity. Nodding at Travis, he took the downbeat and launched into the Jonny Cash cover.

"I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds...
Because you're mine... I walk the line

Nemo Blank

Quinn smiled and waved at the familiar outline at the locker. "Hi, Stacy, it's so good to see you, its been ages!"

Stacy turned and smiled dreamily at her. "Oh, Quinn! Its good to see you too."

Quinn hugged her, then saw that she had the adjacent locker. Opening it and putting her things away, Quinn asked, "Where did you go this summer? Sandi went to California to visit her grandmother, Tiffany went to New York, but you just disappeared without a trace."

Stacy shrugged. "I've been in Lawndale. I was just really busy."

Quinn blinked. "Busy? In Lawndale? With what?"

Stacy blushed. "Magic."

Quinn laughed. "Did you and Up- Charles put on another magic show somewhere?"

"No. We practiced an awful lot though." Stacy's blush deepened.

Quinn laughed. "So can you pull a rabbit out of a hat?"

Stacy laughed along with her, uneasily. "Um, in a manner of speaking. It's called Tantric Ritual."

Nemo Blank

Stacy Rowe raised her head from between her lover's legs, a small grin working it's way across her visage. Her grin, however, was short-lived.

"What are you doing?!" she cried, angrily.

Tiffany applied another coat of mascara to her eyelashes.

"Yoour faace iis reeaally shiiiny," she said.


Daria loved the taste of blood, especially the blood of innocent children. The only thing she would regret about tonight is there would be no more money for babysitting the Guptys. But it was worth it, they were so delicious.

by nimatie, atimnie's evil twin

Max yelped as yet another bottle shattered against the chicken-wire barrier that kept the increasingly-annoyed crowd frequenting General Buck's Country Bunker from coming onto the stage. 'That was too close!'

'Yeah,' Jesse agreed. 'And those lights are off on purpose.'

Trent sighed. 'Well, there's nothing left to do.'

Max winced. 'You mean-'

'Yeah. Try to keep up guys. Max - burn it.'

Max woke up the dead throughout the county with the durum riff that exploded off the stage, and the rest of Mystic Spiral began to rock out with a very familiar sound...

Well, I walk into the room
Passing out hundred dollar bills
And it kills and it thrills like the horns on my Silverado grill
And I buy the bar a double round of crown
And everybody's getting down
An' this town ain't never gonna be the same!

Women began to scream, and the stage lights came back on, brighter than ever as people began to dance and cheer as the Spiral continued...

Cause I saddle up my horse
and I ride into the city
I make a lot of noise
Cause the girls
They are so pretty
Riding up and down Broadway
on my old stud Leroy
And the girls say
Save a horse, ride a cowboy!
Everybody says -
Save a horse, Ride a cowboy...

A week later, the crowd at General Buck's Country Bunker was SRO as Mystic Spiral finished up their first song of the night.

'Tnacks, folks,' Trent coughed. 'Tonight, we're gonna try a little something interesting and different. Guys - start it up...'

Applause rolled through the building as the Boys of Spiral started to play...

I play chicken with the train
Play chicken with the train train - uh huh huh uh huh huh,
You know that I play chicken with the train,
Play chicken with the train train - uh huh huh uh huh huh

Women started to scream and underwear was flung up onto the stage as Mack Mackenzie, dressed in way-too-tight black denims, a flannel shirt unbuttoned enough to see his well-defined chest, and a 'Black Bart'-class cowboy hat, walked out on stage and cut right into the song-

Hold 'em up,
Here we go,
All the Hicks and Chicks feel the flow,
Big black train coming round the bend,
Go on kinfolk tell you mom and them,
Chugg a lugga, Chugg a lugga, Chugg a lugga,
Who? The big black man comin' through to you
Boy you fell and bumped you head uh huh,
That's what they said,
People say it's impossible, not probable, too radical,
But I already been on the CMA's,
Hell Tim McGraw said he liked the change,
That he likes the way my Hick-hop sounds and the way the crowd screams when I stomp the ground,
I'm big and black, clickty clack
And I make the train jump the track like that

Far in the back, Jodie Landon smiled as she turned to Jake Morgendorffer. 'See? Those hicks will listen to anything!'

Jake couldn't even hear Jodie; he was thinking of how many nubile, busty young blondes he'd plow through during Mystic Spiral's upcoming tour. Yeah, he'd have a lot of fun... and with the new lawyer, Helen'd be SOL if she ever opened her mouth.

Brother Grimace

Max yelped as yet another bottle shattered against the chicken-wire barrier that kept the increasingly-annoyed crowd frequenting The Cock-Tale Lounge from coming onto the stage. 'That was too close!'

'Yeah,' Jesse agreed. 'And those lights are off on purpose.'

Trent sighed. 'Well, there's nothing left to do.'

Max winced. 'You mean-'

'Yeah. Try to keep up guys. Max - burn it.'

Max woke up the dead throughout the county with the durum riff that exploded off the stage, and the rest of Mystic Spiral began to rock out with a very familiar sound...

Humidity is rising - Barometer's getting low
According to all sources, the street's the place to go
Cause tonight for the first time
Just about half-past ten
For the first time in history
It's gonna start raining men.

It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Men! Amen!
I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get
Absolutely soaking wet!
It's Raining Men! Hallelujah!
It's Raining Men! Every Specimen!
Tall, blonde, dark and lean
Rough and tough and strong and mean

God bless Mother Nature, she's a single woman too
She took off to heaven and she did what she had to do
She taught every angel to rearrange the sky
So that each and every woman could find her perfect guy
It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Men! Amen!
It's Raining Men! Hallelujah!
It's Raining Men! Ame---------nnnn!

I feel stormy weather / Moving in about to begin
Hear the thunder / Don't you lose your head
Rip off the roof and stay in bed

God bless Mother Nature, she's a single woman too
She took off to heaven and she did what she had to do
She taught every angel to rearrange the sky
So that each and every woman could find her perfect guy
It's Raining Men! Yeah!

Humidity is rising - Barometer's getting low
According to all sources, the street's the place to go
Cause tonight for the first time
Just about half-past ten
For the first time in history
It's gonna start raining men.

It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Men! Amen!
It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Men!


Steve Jobs screamed in agony as Mystik Spiral played for the seventh straight hour outside his house. He knew many die-hard Mac users hated the idea of Macs based on Intel chips, but he never realized their revenge would be so cruel...


It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Men! Amen!
It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Men!

Far in the back, Jodie Landon smiled as she turned to Jake Morgendorffer. 'See? Those hicks will listen to anything!'

Jake couldn't even hear Jodie; he was thinking of how many hot young studs he'd plow through during Mystic Spiral's upcoming tour. Yeah, he'd have a lot of fun... and with the new lawyer, Helen'd be SOL if she ever opened her mouth.

Scissors MacGillicutty

Far in the back, Jodie Landon smiled as she turned to Jake Morgendorffer. 'See? Those hicks will listen to anything!'

"Those aren't hicks," Jake pointed out as he slid his hand under Jodie's skirt and stuck his tongue in her mouth.

(But it was easy for him to understand her mistake, what with all the leather chaps, vests and cowboy hats being worn by the crowd. Including her ex-boyfriend, Mack, and his new "steer", Kevin.)


"I should have kept the i. I should have kept the i" she thought over and over, like a mantra, as Darya Morgendorffer was crowned Miss America.

Mr Orange

"I mean it. I don't like you that way."

"I'm sorry, baby, but I never hit on straight chicks."

Jane sighed. The girl just wouldn't be let down gently. She'd have to be honest.

"Okay Alison... You're right. I am gay. Hell, you know that Daria girl I was telling you about? We've knocked more boots than the State tap-dancing squad. And not just her, either."

"Aha! I knew it. I told you I was never wrong..." Grinning like the cat that ate the canary, Alison pulled Jane closer and wrapped an arm around her.

"Wait!" Jane pulled away. "Alison, I might be gay, but... "

"But?" Alison winked at her. "It's okay, I'll be gentle."

"Alison, I'm sorry, but I'm really not interested. I mean, come on, look at me. I could get a way better looking girl than a disease-infested tramp like you. No offense."

She was sorry to have to do it to her, but hey, the truth hurt sometimes. Jane moved past the dumbstruck Alison to the door.

"I think I should go."

"Jane, wait!"

Jane ignored her, and was halfway outside.

"I'll pay you. $50."

The younger girl paused. Did she really think she could buy her with -

"I mean, $100."

A second later, the door closed with a dull thud.

Then silence. Alison stood stock still, thinking. What a mess. She really hadn't wanted things to go so far, but...

"Okay Jane. $150."

"Well hot dog!" said Jane, as she jumped onto Alison's bed.


As Daria stood on the streets of megacity one she stared at the fearsome figure before her and silently cursed all dimensional portals.

But she considered herself more fortunate than Kevin who barreled trough the portal a moment later and crashed into Judge Dredd.

"Hey cool uniform let's play a game of footy!"



Daria pulled the tray of chocolate chip cookies out of the oven and took a sniff. Their warm, smelly goodness almost made her smile. OK, Helen had a good idea once in a while. Home Ec wasn't that bad she decided as she carefully removed each cookie from the tray and placed it on the cooling rack. If this didn't get her an 'A'...

Jane came up, eating an apple. She noticed Daria trying her best not to smile at the near perfect stack of cookies cooling on the counter. She smirked.

"Nice rack!" Jane said with a smirk.

"I hate you."


"Through my nose?!" Quinn gasped, her pale, tired face taking on a look of horror.

"Quinn, honey," said Helen gently, smoothing the sheet on her hospital bed, "the doctor said that you appendix was blocking your intestines. It was the only thing they could do."

"Yeah, you could have died, sweetie," said Jake.

"But through my nose," Quinn moaned.

The surgery had been bad enough; Quinn was already beginning to feel the soreness in her lower abdomen. She had hated lying there on the operating table, in that unattractive gown that didn't suit her skin tone or flatter her figure at all. Knowing that she would soon be asleep and naked hadn't eased her mind. And now she had to live with an ugly scar for years -- so what if it was only an inch wide? But this... this was too much.

"For God's sake, Quinn," said Helen, beginning to sound peevish. "After they removed your appendix, they had to do something with all that blocked intestinal fluid."

"So they took a tube... and flushed it all out through my nose," Quinn said in a whisper that would have been a scream had she felt stronger.

"Look on the bright side," said Daria, "if the tube enlarged your left nostril - which it looks like it did - you can finally get that nose job you wanted."

The color completely drained from Quinn's face, and she fell back against the pillows. A siren went off. Several parametics came rushing in.

"Oh my God! We've got a Code Blue!"

Kara Wild

"Through my nose?!" Quinn gasped, her pale, tired face taking on a look of horror.

"I'll give you an extra hundred," said Kevin with a grin.

Quinn sighed. "Oh, what the hell. Sure. At least I can't get pregnant!"

The Angst Guy

At least the way you mentioned won't result in mini-Kevins.

Kara Wild

(Two months later)

Helen said, "Oh, It's funny you'd ask, I'd almost forgotten about that. When you were a baby, the doctors found an unusual drainage from your nasal cavity to your uterus. Um, the doctor did publish a paper about it. Why do you ask?

Quinn looked at the blue-tipped plastic stick and fainted.


Helen turned towards Daria who also held a blue-tipped plastic stick with a look of shock on her face.

"And what ever gave you the idea of sharing tampons?"


"Daria, this isn't funny," Quinn honked. "My nose really hurts."

"I still don't understand what you did to hurt your nose," Jane said, puzzled.

"That's not important," Quinn snapped. "What matters is making it stop hurt so I can stop sounding like a freakin' moose when ever I talk."

Daria shrugged. "Maybe you have something stuck in it?" Daria really didn't care. She found Quinn's new voice amusing.

I think ... I think I'm going to sneaze," Quinn moaned while trying in vane to hold it in.


Daria and Jane were awestruck.

"Hey," Quinn said happily, "My nose is better. And my voice is back to normal!"

Daria and Quinn said nothing.

"What are you guys looking at?"

Then she saw it.


On the floor was a tiny little Kevin Thompson, fully dressed in a football uniform and with his trademark cocky vacuous grin on his face.

"I'm the QB!" he - it? - squeeked.

"I want to go home now," Jane said.


"Hey Daria. Good morning."

"Hmm... *grumble* *grumble*"

"Here. Why don't you try some of my breakfast cereal? It'll wake you up." Jane smirked. "Kevin brought over your homework a few minutes ago. He said he hoped you felt better."

Daria stumbled over to the table, plopped down into the seat, slid Jane's bowl over towards her and took a bite.

"Hmm, it's got a strange taste. And it's kind of salty...."

"But it's high in protein!"

Daria's face fell and she ran out of the room. We could hear retching from her.

"Well, that'll wake her up." jane said as she slid the bowl back in front of her and started eating again.


"Oh my God! We've got a Code Blue!"

As the paramedics worked on Quinn, Daria turned to Helen.

"So when are we going to tell her the truth? That she didn't really have an apendectomy?"

"When she's ready," said Helen uneasily.

"It'll have to be soon... before she meets her 'special friend' for herself."

"Don't look at me that way," snapped Helen. "You know I've always wanted one girl and one boy."

Kara Wild

Standing in a grassy field, Kevin Thomphson looked at the 'Welcome To Lawndale' sign, and let hate build in his heart.

He'd done horribly since he failed to graduate with his class and had to repeat his senior year. He wasn't allowed to play football (his academic eligibility had run out), and he'd found that he was a virtual outcast without the popularity of being the QB. Mack was gone, playing college ball and hardly ever having the time to talk, and Brittany simply didn't want to know him anymore.

Miss Barch tormented him horribly, Miss Li even worse, and he didn't have anyone to talk to or even lunch with. Disillusioned, he didn't bother to go back to Lawndale after the winter holidays, and started looking for work.

He failed at every job he tried; even the pizza places in town had put a blanket ban on him working in any of them, and he couldn't even keep a job bagging groceries... then, fate led him to the Danver-Brown farm, just outside of town.

It was a simple job. Sit out in the sun. Watch the sheep. Keep them away from the gates. Yell if anything or anyone tries to get one, or if one gets through the fence.

Kevin had found his niche in life. For three and a half years, he came to know tthe sheep... and they came to know him, in a language without speech. They knew how much he loved them, each and every one, from the way he would rub behind their ears, and feed them vegetable treats on occasion; they knew how much he hated the people of Lawndale, for turning their backs on him, and turning him out into the cold...

Tonight, as the large herd gathered without a sound behind Kevin Thomphson at the edge of the Lawndale city limits, they would give their shepard his revenge. Tonight, with all of the young men and women who spurned and belittled him safe and secure in their homes, in the loving arms of their families, basking in the glory of achievement and their newly-earned degrees, they would strike out for the former QB.

There would be no bleating; their hooves made no sound as they started out across the soft ground towards the unwary city. Tonight, the citizens of Lawndale would know terror... in the silence of the lambs.

Brother Grimace

"I've got to have her!" Darius Morgendorffer yelled through the closed door. "You know you have to come out of there sometime."

John Lane held his body against the door. "She's not your type and you know it."

"Who's at the door?" A half asleep Tresha asked?

"Just go back to sleep, sis."


There would be no bleating; their hooves made no sound as they started out across the soft ground towards the unwary city. Tonight, the citizens of Lawndale would know terror... in the silence of the lambs.

The next morning, there were only 3 survivors: high school student Rachael Landon, her boyfriend Link, and Jake Morgendorffer (who'd spent the entire incident sleeping in his office).


"Well, girls," Jake said to Daria, Quinn, Jane and Stacy, "The good news is your dates are here." He gestured to the front lawn, where Tom, Trent, Jesse, Ted, Charles and the Three Js were approaching the house.

"What's the bad news?" Jane asked, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"They're dead."


Tall British gentleman - Hello, miss?

Daria - Can I help you?

TBg - Yes, I was just at the pet store, where I had a most distressing incident...

Daria - ...involving an overly cute, obnoxious redhead?

TBg - Actually, yes. How did you know?

Daria - She's my sister.

TBg - Ah. My sympathies on that. Anyway, after the distressing occurrence at the pet store...

Daria - Pet shop.

TBg - Excuse me?

Daria - It's a pet shop, not a pet store.

TBg - There's a difference?

Daria - Yes, there is, you see...Damn, Quinn was right, this is an awkward bit, plus I feel that it's taking away from the main point of this sketch.

TBg - Right, so let's get to the meat of it, then.

Director - Okay, John, if you could take it from...after the distressing occurrence...

John, formerly known as TBg, aka Tall British gentleman - Right. Do I say pet store, or pet shop?

Director - Whichever, doesn't matter.

John - Right...After the distressing occurrence at the pet shop...Hey! Where are you going?

Daria - Sorry, lost interest. And it's not like everyone doesn't already know where this is going. It's obvious that this is a takeoff on the cheese shop sketch. It's just too predictable.

John - Oh, I see. You go off and leave me standing here looking a right git. Well, thank you, Miss Mary Sunshine.

Daria - Oh, grow a spine. *walks off*

Jane - Excuse me, I'd like to buy a matress.

John - Wrong sketch, you stupid bitch.

Jane - *whining* But it's my only line! *runs off*

Director - John, do you want to do the silly walks sketch with Kevin now?

John - Oh, sod off.


Movin' On Up.

Daria: The next-door neighbours finally left.

Jane: About time. Who's there now? I pity them.

Daria: I don't know. Whoever he or she is, they're very reclusive.

(As if on cue, some off-key clarinet playing is heard.)

Daria: That's all I've heard.

Jane: A mysterious clarinet, echoing throughout the night.

Daria: It's still day-time.

Jane: I was going for dramatic effect.

Daria: Oh.

Jane: You're right though. It is weird. Who would be a recluse in Lawndale? (Pause.) Most sane people, actually.

Daria: I know I would.

Jane: If you could.

Daria: Right. If only I'd stayed in that box for a while longer.

(Brief silence.)

Jane: I think we should find out who it is.

Daria: What?

Jane: No point in keeping this a mystery.

Daria: But what if it's a maniac?

Jane: (Confident.) We survived Ms. Li. This could hardly be worse.

Daria: (Sighs.) Oh very well. (Beat.) Damn 'Sick Sad World' being a repeat.

(Cut to next door. Jane is knocking. No-one responds.)

Jane: Hello?

Daria: Anybody home?

(They continue in this fashion for several seconds.)

Voice: (Irritated, yet recognisable.) What! What is it?

Jane: Who's there?

Voice: It's just me, and you're interrupting a very important practice session! (Pause.) They're almost as annoying as my old neighbours, if that's even possible. (Slight chuckle.)

Jane: Wait. I've heard that laugh.

Daria: You have?

Jane: Well, on occasion. (Quiet.) We should confirm though. (Loud) Tell us who you are or we're kicking the door in!


Jane: We have boots you know!

Daria: She isn't kidding.

(A loud sigh is heard, followed by footsteps. The door opens. Standing before Jane and Daria is Squidward Tentacles.)

Jane: Oh, I was right.

Daria: Another mystery solved.

Squidward: Well here I am, in the flesh. What do you two want?

Jane: You know, I always felt for you.

Daria: Being trapped in a town of idiots.

Jane: The story of our lives.

Squidward: Wait, you also know the pain of being cultured in a cultural wasteland?

Jane: It can be hard. (Beat.) Say, are you up for a jam session?

Squidward: Alright, but don't drown out my clarinet. I am classically trained you know.

Daria: (Eyebrow raised.) Ok.

(Cut to their 'jam session'. Jane is playing guitar, accompanied by Daria on harmonica. Squidward's clarinet remains loud. )

Squidward: This could be worse.. This could definitely be worse.


Gregor Samsa

"Look, Dan. It's our new neighbors."

"Our wacky new neighbors, Roseanne."

"I wonder if they know that they're moving in next door to white trash?"


Mr. DeMartino stood in front of his class, his left eye bulging out once more as he tries to keep his sanity until the school day ends. He looks at Britney, who stares back vacantly while twirling her hair, and he hands back her test paper and says:

Mr. DeMartino: I was surprised, BRITNEY, that you actually MANAGED to make a LOWER grade than I Expected! At this rate you will NEVER graduate, just like ANOTHER student who will go unnamed… KEVIN!

Kevin, who has been playing around with some paperclips and rubber bands, is startled by Mr. DeMartino and lets go of one of the paper clips which is launched into the air and hits Mr. DeMartino in his bulging eye.

DeMartino: Gah!! My eye!!

Before he can do anything Mr. DeMartino’s face lifts from his head and swings open revealing a small grey alien inside.

Kevin: Whoa, cool!

Britney: Eap!!!

The alien looks around in a panic and tries to close the hatch but his controls don’t seam to be working.

Mr. DeMartino alien: (Higher pitched voice but like DeMartino) Oh GREAT! Not AGAIN! They’re gonna revoke my CITIZENSHIP and send me BACK for sure!

At that moment Ms. Li enters the classroom.

Ms. Li: Class, I have some extremely disturbing news- (sees Mr. DeMartino) –What are you doing! You know the rules… How dare you do this to me- I mean Laaaawndale Hiiiigh – Hurry up and –

Ms. Li is cut short as two men dressed in black suits enter the room, the first one pulls out an ID card and quickly flashes it then puts it away.

Black Suit #1: Don’t worry, we’re from the Board of Education, division 6. We’ll take care of the situation.

They both take out their sunglasses and put them on. Then Black suit #1 reaches into his suit and removes a small silver cylinder and presses a button extending the top.

Black Suit #1: If you’ll do me a favor and look right here at the tip.

The device flashes red and everybody stares ahead blankly. Black Suit puts away the nuralizer while Black suit #2 steps over to DeMartino and closes his bead/cockpit.

Black Suit #1: Mr. DeMartino here has just been awarded the Teaching Certificate of the Year, you will all congratulate him and you will forget seeing his head open up and revealing the little alien inside-

Kevin: No way I’ll forget that, it was cool!

Britney: I can’t believe that Mr. DeMartino’s head opened up like that!

The two Black suits look at each other and Black Suit #1 Takes the nuralizer out again and flashes Kevin and Britney again.

Black Suit #1: As I was saying, you did not see Mr. DeMartino’s head open and you did not see a little alien.

Kevin: I know, I know, but seriously, now tell me the truth.

The two Black suits look at each other again then at the nuralizer. Then back at Kevin and Britney.

Black Suit #2: Excuse us.

They go over to the corner and whisper-

Black Suit #2: Why isn’t the nuralizer working?

Black Suit #1: I don’t, this never happened before…

Black Suit #2: What do we do?

Black Suit #1: I don’t know… call Zed.

Cut back to Kevin –

Kevin: Hey, Mr. DeMartino, can you do that thing again?

Mr. DeMartino looks over at the conferring Black Suits then at Ms. Li who is still staring at him with hate in her eyes. The two suits turn and leave the corner and they each take one of Mr. DeMartino’s arms…

Black Suit #2: I apologize for this, but I’m afraid that we must be going…

Black Suit #1: Yes, Mr. DeMartino has to get ready to receive his award.

They force Mr. DeMartino to exit the room with them leaving Ms. Li standing in front of the class alone. She turns to address them as two more suits enter the room, the first one quickly flashes his ID then puts it away.

Black Suit #3: Great Prairie State University, scholarship division, we’re here to interview a Kevin Thompson, and a Brittany Taylor. Please come with us. Britney: (twirling her hair) Umm, OK!

Kevin: Cool!

They get up and leave with the suits.


"So what did you bring me from China?" Jane was delighted to see her best friend again.

Daria smirked. "Do you remember that time the holidays visited us?"

Jane winced." Don't remind me."

Daria nodded sympathetically. "Well, then you have to believe in magic."

"Or something in the water supply." Jane shuddered. "So out with it, Amiga."

Daria swallowed. "I fell in a spring there. A cursed spring."

Jane frowned. "So what's the curse? Incontinence? Bad luck?"

Daria sighed. "Worse." She opened a water bottle and spritzed a little water on herself.

"Whaaaaagh!" Jane leapt back, scrambling on the carpet. "You, you, you.... You?"

The tall, muscular and devastatingly handsome man nodded. "Me. It was the spring of drowned man. Anything that falls in the spring is cursed to be male when it gets wet."

Jane gulped, feeling a sudden hot flash. The male Daria was absolutely gorgeous. Tall, strong and recognizably Daria. "I got my wish!"

"Your wish?" Daria sat down on the bed, making Jane a little crazy.

Jane nodded. "Dave dumped me last week. I threw a quarter into the Salvation Army wishing well down on Third Avenue and wished that I could meet a guy that could be as good a friend as you."

"Gee, thanks." Daria sighed again, his tightly muscular chest molding the sweater like a Greek statue. "I need help. I don't have any ID or legal existence in this form and I'm always getting wet!"

Jane smiled. She was getting a little wet too. "Well, one suggestion is to stop wearing tiny little skirts, unless you want to tell everyone that you're an exhibitionist Scotsman."

Daria glared. Her skirts were only tiny when she turned into a muscular 220 pound man. "Thanks. On that note, marry me."

"W- www -what?" Jane suddenly saw it. "Oh, for the green card." She shrugged. "Sure, Daria."

Daria blinked. "You agreed that easily?"

Jane smiled, wickedly. "It's the best of both worlds."

Nemo Blank

Jane and Daria walked into the Morgendorffer living room. Jake and Helen were sitting next to each other on the couch holding hands, while Quinn sat in a nearby chair, looking uncomfortable.

Daria's eyebrows arched. "Quinn max out the Platinum cards, again?"

Helen shook her head. "No, Daria, it's worse than that. I need to explain something to all of you. Jake and I had an open marriage when we first got married. I meet this wonderful, er, man, a great thinker, and well, he's your real father, Daria."

Jane braced the fainting Daria. "What! You mean Dad, uh, Jake isn't my father? Then who is?"

A two foot high creature levitated down the stairs, dressed in a brown robe. His skin was wrinkled and green, and he had huge pointed ears.

" Your father I am, young Morgendorffer!"


"I'm sorry, Daria, but it was the summer of Love, and he's very charismatic!"

Daria collapsed into Janes arms in a dead faint.

Quinn and Jane both stared at Daria, and said as one "So that's why she's so short!"


Daria(VO): That's the last time we make a wish from a garage sale lamp.

Jane(VO): Well we are tv stars, well known ones in fact.

Daria(VO): Says you, all you have to do is run and make the occasional same smart aleck quip.

Jane(VO): And you get to show off to the world your intelligence every episode, and you don't have to talk to any idiots here. What's wrong with that?

Daria(VO): And have things blow up in my face each and every time.

Jane(VO): You've got to admit, it's better than unemployment.

Daria(VO): True. And they've got an excellent medical plan. Which is sorely needed around here.

Jane(VO): But they've got a lousy food budget, all they can seem to afford is birdseed.

Daria(VO): And the costume itches like hell. I'm sure Quinn picked it out.

Jane(VO): I like mine, I've never ran faster.

Director from offscreen: Actors, take your places!

Daria steps out in front of a stone wall painted to look like a tunnel holding a can of paint and brush as Wile E. Coyote.

Director: And.......Action!

Jane speeds by, stops for a split second, we identify her as The Road Runner, does the tongue thing and dashes off with only a quick "Meep! Meep!" through the solid cave wall.

Daria lights the fuses on the rocket skates she's now wearing to go after Jane, and off she goes....SLAM! Into the wall face first! Then the rocket skates blow up. BOOM! Rolling her slowly backwards towards a previously unseen cliff and she drops off. Before this a small sign appears in her hands, "Why Me?" before falling to the canyon floor and lifting up a small cloud of dust.

Director: And cut! That's a wrap!


Fade up on a door as we hear a knock. The door opens and artie sticks his head in and looks around.

Artie: Hello? Pizza Delivery for (looks at the name) I.C. Wiener... Great.

He walks over to a desk and drops the pizza box and drops into the chair.

Artie: I barley managed to get another job after those aliens kidnapped me, and now this... Why do they torment me so?

Outside the door there is a crashing noise which startles him and he leaps out of the chair and steps on his untied shoelace. He trips and falls into an open cryogenic tube which slams shut and the timer clicks to 1000 years. Artie only has the time to turn and begin to scream before he is frozen. the door to the room opens and three janitors enter, one of them has a bucket stuck on his head, the second one has curly hair and a bucket stuck on his foot, and the third one with the short black hair is completely drenched from head to toe.

Janitor #3: You numb skulls, stop messing around and get to work!

the first janitor pulls the bucket off his head and growls at him but runs off as he turns to face him. The second janitor also speeds away from him and begins to dust the cryro tubes until he gets to the one Artie is in. He looks into the window.

Janitor #2: Jeez, would you get a look at this guy. Have you ever seen anyone as bad as this guy.

The third janitor steps up to the tube and looks in.

Janitor #3: Yeah, You. (slaps the back of his head) Now get back to work.

They exit the scene as we focus on the window where we can see many of Lawndale's landmarks. The sun and moon begin to rise and set more and more rapidly as time speeds up. UFOs fly over Lawndale and destroy everything. Then a massive jungle rises where the city was. Then changes into building made from stone and wood. Then they become castles and corteges, until the UFOs return and blast everything again. Then once again we see buildings appear, each bigger that the last until even the first ones are built higher.

Cut to the timer which reads 2 seconds... 1 second... then there is a ding and the tube opens. Artie falls forward and lands on his hands and knees. He gets up and looks out the window and sees the new city.

Artie: Oh no! The Aliens have abducted me and brought me to their home planet!!

The door opens and two people enter, who by coincidence look like Daria and Jane.

Jane Look-alike: (overly dramatic) Welcome to the world of toomorroww...

Daria look-alike: Why do you always have to say it that way?

Artie: AAAhhhhh!!! Not again!!!

Artie runs past them and out the open door. The look-alikes turn to look at each other and shrug their shoulders.


Quinn and Jane both stared at Daria, and said as one "So that's why she's so short!"

Tiffany: That's soooo wrooong...

Sandi: Really. Geeks!

Me: But I thought it was funny!

Sandi: Oh, shut up, Mister I-have-no-life-so-I-spend-all-my-time-on-a-message-board. Maybe if you were actually popular you'd be doing something other than writing this silly little whatever-you-call-it.

Me: A Mary Sue, I think...

Quinn: You mean there are actually names for gross things like this?

Tiffany: That's soooo wrooong...(suddenly at an accelerated pace) and how come no one writes for me as if it were the first season, and I didn't sound like I had a lobotomy--remember "The Invitation?"

Sandi: Excellent point. (accusingly) Well? What do you have to say for yourself, Mr. Geek?

Me: (starting to sweat) Well, I mean, I'm kinda new to this, and I'm only trying to be canon--

Quinn: (rolling her eyes) God, on canon is soooo '02.

Sandi: Really. As is self-referentiality.

Stacy: (wearing a poncho, by the way. taking a pistol from her purse) Let's just shoot him now and get it over with!

Sandi: Stacy! Put that away! What goes for self-referentiality goes double for self-conscious intertextuality!

Stacy: (blushing) Eep! Sorry guys.

Sandi: Let me buy you a clue, Mr. Geeky Wannabe Fanfic writer. (takes a copy of "Waif's Bleeding Edge Guide to Daria Fanfic Guide '05" from her pursue and hands it to me) Among other fashionable trends, shipping the Fashion Club with Beavis and Butthead will be very very hot.

Tiffany: Yeah. (suddenly barking) Fire! Fire! (back to her "The Invitation" voice) Those little delinquents are so in right now, it's unbelievable!

Me: But Beavis and Butthead are only two guys, and there are (slowing down as it sinks in)...four...of...you...

Sandi: And another thing--rivalry between members of the Fashion Club is likely totally dead. We are now all into sharing.

Quinn: Absolutely.

Tiffany: (back to slow voice) Cooompleeetely.

Stacy: But guys--I haven't had a chance at either Beavis or Butthead.

Sandi: Stacy, be quiet!

Stacy: Eep!

Sandi: Now, Mr. Out-of-it-wannabe-fanfic-writer--why don't you go and study that and come back when you're ready to write something fashionable.

Quinn: Yeah. And no Mary Sues, pul-leeze!

Me: (dejected) OK... (shuffles off)

(Enter Daria and Jane.)

Daria: Hey. Funny to find all you of here.

Jane: Wherever here is, that is.

Sandi: Very funny, Quinn's second-cousin-once-removed-and-then-only-related-because-of-a-mixup-in-the-delivery-room.

Jane: I get it! Hyperbole! (beat) But not at all funny.

Daria: Thank you, Trope Girl.

Sandi: Just so you know, while you two were off being clever, we dispatched a pathetic losery fanfic writer.

Daria: You don't mean--

Sandi: Exactly. A Mary Sue.

Jane: Wow, you'd think one dead body in quarry would scare them off for good.

Sandi: Except we didn't have to resort to such coarse methods. No, we shamed him away by showing how unfashionable his ideas were.

Quinn: And he wore brown shoes, euw!

Daria: So Lawndale is safe then?

Sandi: For the time being yes.

Jane: Darn! We could use some excitment here.

Daria: Just as long as nobody has Beavis or Butthead show up. (to Jane) Pizza?

Jane: You have to ask?

Daria: All righty. (To the Fashion Club) Later. (They leave)

Sandi: Very well then. Let's repair to our respective homes, and prepare for tonights fashionable festivities.

(They disperse. The camera tracks slowly down the street (OK, so it's animated and the camera isn't really in physical space, but you know what I'm talking about, right?) and then turns and slowly closes on a side window of a house, actually passes through the window into what appears to be an empty room, and turns around to face where it came from, revealing Brother Grimace dressed as Jack Nicholson's reporter character from Antonioni's The Passenger standing by the window)

Brother Grimace: It's the next house, nitwit! (Camera quickly retreats the way it came. Brother Grimace shouts after it:) And you're dreaming with the Antonioni reference! I don't care how much ink the critics spill about the last shot, or that Jack Nicholson was the lead--The Passenger was goddamn boring! The last good movie Antonioni made was Il Grido! But I bet you haven't seen that one, you...

(his voice fades as the camera--again slowly closes on a side window of the house next door, actually passes through the window (doesn't seem so impressive the second time, does it?) into a room where Beavis and Butthead are stretched out on opposite couches. Their voices and manner are slightly more relaxed than usual:)

Butthead: huh huh...We scored...huh huh

Beavis: Heh heh mmm heh...and we scored again!....mmm....heh heh...

Butthead: That was cool...huh huh...(beat) Hey Beavis?

Beavis: Yeah?

Butthead: How come, like, we never get to do the chick with pigtails?

Beavis: (silent for a moment. Then angry:) That sucks! The chick with pigtails is cool! I wanna do the chick with pigtails!

Butthead: I wanna do the chick with pigtails first!

Beavis: No way! I'm sick of doing the chick with the deep voice! You can do the chick with like the deep voice!

Butthead: Settle down Beavis--am I gonna have to kick your ass again?

Beavis: (more agitated) I'm sick of doing the chick with the deep voice! I wanna do the chick with pigtails!

(They're about to fight when there's a knock at the door. They go to open it. Cut to a medium shot of Beavis and Butthead face on as they open the door and a shadow falls over them. Their faces are filled with awe and desire)

Butthead: Forget the Fashion Club. You are the coolest thing I've ever seen.

Beavis: (dumbstruck) awww....ehhh...ooww...ohhh....

(Cut to the person in the doorway.)

Tom Sloane: Daria said you guys might react like this. So how about starting to show your affection--by licking the soles of my shoes?

(Trembling, Beavis and Butthead get on their hands and knees. Butthead tries to run his hand along the side of Tom's cargo pants.)

Tom Sloane: Hey! No touching the pants! (Beat. In a calmer tone:) Yet.

(Closeup of Tom's shoes, as he leans back on his heels to expose the soles. Beavis and Butthead start to lick, hungrily. Fade to black.)

Scissors MacGillicutty

On the stage in the Zon the lights are all off but we can make out the forms of people moving around and getting into position. The lights flash on and we see Trent, Jesse, Nick, and Max dressed in full clown make-up and clothes. Trent steps up to the mike and-

Trent: Hey, we're Mystik Humor, but we're thinking of changing the name. This first song is our tribute to the misunderstood mimes...

With that the band began to pantomime playing their instruments to a chorus of boos and protests as well as some flying beer bottles




TIFFANY: That's so wrong!

SANDI: Quinn, have you lost your mind?


QUINN: Of course not! According to an article in the New York Daily News called [url="http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/317296p-271224c.html"]"Nerds make better lovers"[/url], dating geeks is now "in".

UPCHUCK: And who is Quinn to argue with fashion?




It was a normal day at Lawndale High, until the main entrance way exploded. Most of the students panic and run away from the doors, but a few stay where they are looking at the dark figure that is slowly appearing as the smoke clears. The figure is hidden by a dark blue cloak and in his right hand he holds a staff with the skull of a ram on the top, the empty eye sockets emit a red glow. The cloaked figure steps into the hallway and looks up – he dosn't’t have a face, just a yellow skull.

Skeletor: Bow down to your new master! Ahahahahaha!

The remaining students panic and run after their fellow students… all except one. Kevin discreetly steps into an empty classroom and after quickly making sure that no one else was with him he reached back behind his head and withdrew an old rusted sword that he kept hidden beneath his shoulder pads. He held the sword above his head in his right hand and said:

Kevin: By the power of Greyskull…

A brilliant light came from the sword and surrounded Kevin. When the light faded his muscles and height were increased and his Lawndale High football jersey was replaced by armor plated shoulder pads with leather straps that crossed his chest and meets at an iron cross. His pants are now gone and he wears a brown loincloth, and his athletic shoes are now boots. The rusted sword now looks brand new and still emits a bright glow. Kevin lowers the sword and grabs the blade in his left hand and says:

Kevin: I have the power!

Cut back to the hallway were nobody has noticed the events in the previous room because Skeletor has been slowly moving down the hall destroying the lockers and terrorizing the students cowering before him.

Skeletor: (evil laughter) No one can save you now!

He-Man: (from behind Skeletor) I think you spoke too soon… Skeletor.

Skeletor turns and his jaw drops when he sees He-man.

Skeletor: He-man! No… it can’t be, it’s impossible!

He-Man: Apparently not, I don’t know how you escaped from the dimension where the sorceress exiled you, but I’m going to put you back – for good.

Skeletor: I fear not… I’ll never be trapped anywhere again, and certainly not by you!

Skeletor extends his staff and it’s eyes glowed red and two energy beams shot out toward He-man, who easily deflected them with his sword. Skeletor quickly withdrew a sword he had hidden in his cloak and lashed out at He-Man who once again deflected the attack. They once more clash swords and they each lean in until they are face to face.

Freeze frame –

Kevin: (VO) And that was how it all began… Skeletor, my family’s ancient enemy and curse had finally returned…

Fade to Kevin standing alone in front of Lawndale High.

Kevin: …and it was left to me, with the help of my friends… Mack-At-Arms -

Mack: (os) I told you to stop calling me that.

Mack-At-Arms walks onscreen from the left.

Kevin: (to Mack) …s-sorry. (Back to camera) The Sorceress – Jodie…

An eagle flies down from the right next to Mack and transforms into Jodie, who wears a headdress of an eagle, a white dress made up of feathers, and a cape of red feathers that’s attached from one arm to the other.

Kevin: The captain of the Lawndale guard, Jane…

Jane walks onto the screen wearing a bronze bustier with a sword emblem painted on it, and casually twirling a staff with a cobra head on the top. She stops next to Kevin and plants her staff then leans on it.

Kevin: …and Stratos-

A beam from off screen hits Kevin knocking him down. Daria flies into view and lands next to Jane. She is wearing a dark green jumpsuit, light green gloves that have feathers starting at the wrist and going about halfway up her arms, and her normal black combat boots.

Daria: Kevin, I told you what would happen if you ever call me that… it’s bad enough that you dragged me into all this.

Kevin: Heh, sorry Daria.

Kevin gets up and continues.

Kevin: And of course I could never forget my fearless babe Britney…

Britney: (OS) Oh kevvie!!

She runs into view and grabs Kevin in a big hug.

Kevin: …who becomes the mighty She-Ra. Together we are the masters of the universe!


Trent swallowed. "Are you guys sure about this?"

Nick slammed a microphone stand down angrily. "Hey, you all agreed. We aren't going anywhere covering the same old Nirvana crap. Come on, get with it, baby needs a new pair of shoes."

Jesse looked down at his costume, horror oozing from his pores. "Man, I don't know."

Max was tugging at his enormous collar. "Hey, I like these snappy duds!"

"That's it." Jesse started to leave.

Nick grabbed the neck of Jessie's guitar to stop him. "You owe me, man."

Jesse hesitated, then nodded reluctantly. "Tell me again."

"Okay. We suck. No one likes us but we don't want to go get real jobs where we have to get up in the morning." Nick looked around at them. "Is everyone with me so far?"

"Yah. Work is just too hard." Jesse was looking thoughtful.

"So we're going to become a tribute band. Like Sha-Na-Na was for fifties doo-wop , but for seventies disco instead." He rubbed his palms together rapidly, grinning gleefully. "Heh, heh, just think of all those rich boomers, queer for their nostalga and willing to shell out! We'll have our own TV show!"

Trent hung more gold chains around his neck, trying to get used to the irritating collar points of the disco suit. "Will we still get the chicks?"

"Hell yeah!" Nick was lying, but it was for a good cause. Cause he needed the money.

"Then I don't care." Under all the posing, Trent still knew exactly why he'd gotten into music in the first place.

Jesse just grunted, sullenly.

Nemo Blank

Daria was very surprised to find the bleeding corspe of her family laid out on the kitchen table

...Beacause after all, she had used poisen.

Ms. Kinnikufan

Trent stepped up to the microphone.

"Thank you, we're Mystic Spiral, but we're thinking of changing our name. I hope you've been enjoying our new direction. For our next piece, we will be doing an original composition."

Trent went back to his chair, sat down and placed the violin under his chin and began to play "Adaggio and Fugue for Chamber Ensemble, in Gm" by Trent Lane, opus 37.

"So," whispered Jane, leaning over to Daria, "what do you think?"

"Hmmm, I believe it may not be the time to try to start a Baroque revival, but I have to give them props for audacity. Lovely and imaginative variations on the theme so far, but I'm afraid when Max comes in, as before, he'll drown out the strings with the pipe organ."

"Shhhh!" said Angier, sitting behind them, holding a lighter high in the air. He stood up and began sidling towards the aisle.

"Where do you think you're going," hissed Katherine.

"Mosh pit," he replied, "Coming with?"


Daria knew it was going to be a bad day when she went outside and found entire crew of the PPMB had camped out on her lawn...

Ms. Kinnikufan

Daria's voice came through the door of her Highland home. "Dad?"

Jake came to the door and looked out at his six-year-old daughter, then gasped as he saw it behind her, a forty-foot long Tyrannosaurus rex, its massive, slavering jaw filled with dagger sized teeth not ten inches from her shoulder.

"He followed me home, Dad. Can I keep him?"

"Dammit, Daria, that's the third one you brought home this month! How am I supposed to feed him and the other two? Do I look like I'm made of money?!?"

Daria decided this wasn't the best time to inform him that Regina was gravid.*

*Ready to lay a clutch of eggs

Helen looked for the notes to the deposition. "Dammit, Daria, where are the notes for my deposition?"

Daria ignored her. "Mom, they're right near your dayplanner. You take your dayplanner to court with you every day, therefore, the notes are under the dayplanner."

"Right," sighed Helen. "Sorry. I'm so glad you're working for me."

"Well, Marianne and everyone else quit after you became full partner. And you wouldn't want to be sued for child abuse."

"I suppose -- " The phone rang.

Helen looked at Daria, who checked the blinking light. "It's Eric."

"Let the bastard wait!" Helen didn't need this crap right now. She had made full partner years earlier, and Eric had been unwelcome in Helen's office since the day he made a pass at Daria.

"Still ringing...ringing...ringing...."

"Dammit!" Helen picked the phone up. "Eric, you good-for-nothing beneficiary of nepotism! What do you and your mail-order degree want?! -- I see! -- Allright!.....Same to ya!!"

"It's that Bertand ass of an ass lawyer! He's pleading that his client has been hospitalized! The deposition has been canceled!" Helen spat out a few 12-letter curse words, and slammed the phone down.

"I'm glad to see the milk of sympathy rise to the top."

"Shut up, Daria, this is no time for your sarcasm. Now I have a big hole to fill! Where to start?"

"Actually, since we have this time off," said Daria, "I need to talk to you."

"Of course, Daria. What is it?"

Daria swallowed. "I've decided to marry Tana's father."

"Oh...my!" Helen sat down. "Why?"

"We've talked it over. I still think there's something there between us. I know that after I got pregnant, he bailed out, but we've kept in touch through Tana. As much as I hated him at the time, he always put Tana first, and I appreciate that. Tana needs a father, and I need to see if he ever stopped loving me."

"Daria -- !"

"--I've thought about this, Mom. I've talked it over with Jane, with Quinn, with everybody. They've tried to stop me, with no luck, and you won't have any luck, either. Please, Please say you're not going to throw a fit."

Helen sighed. "No, Daria, I'm not going to throw a fit. If this is what you want -- what you really want -- I'll support you."

"Good. He wants to come over tonight to talk to you and Dad."

"Well...I guess we'll all go out to a restaurant. We've worked like chipmunks, and we could all use some time off." As Helen had Daria make the reservations, the only thought in Helen's mind, was damn you, Tom Sloane.


The sounds of the battle echoed through the woods, the clash of two titanic forces, one human, one animal, trying their strength against each other. Two opponents well matched in skill, bravery, and strength vying for mastery of the frontier. The trees shook, the bushes rattled with the conflict that raged through the primeval Kentucky forest; angry chitters and shrieks no man shouid ever make resounded among the verdant hills, until finally, an arm came out of the bushes holding a bowie knife in its bloody and well chewed hand. Down the knife flashed, again and again with the grunts of desperation.

Peace decends upon the forest. There is silence for a moment, then a figure emerges from the undergrowth, human by shape, bruised, battered and bloody. He picks his abandoned flintlock from the ground, and using it as a cane limps to the tree. He brings the knife up and carves a few words in the tree, then picks up his foe and limps off, battered yet triumphant.

We come close to the tree and see the words carved rudely therein:

Dan'l Morgendorffer
Kilt a skwirel
on this tree


"We've got to stop meeting like this, Kevin!" Daria panted as she lay on the floor of the back room of It's A Nutty Nutty World. "Brittany's going to catch on one of these days, and I'm getting cashews stuck in places where no cashew has a right to be!"

The Angst Guy

"Hey Janey," Trent said as he entered the kitchen one afternoon, "I think I did something kind of stupid..."

It was at that moment that Pam Anderson entered the room and threw her arms around him in a loving embrace, "Oh Trent honey," she said sweetly, "last night was the best ever! Now I know I'll never go back to that Tommy and his...well, I have a sitcom to shoot. Call me, okay?"

She was followed by 29 bald circus midgets covered in cane sugar and a small monkey.

Isa Yo-Jo

"Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs. Morgendorffer?" Tom Sloane said bluntly to the partially dressed Helen standing before him in the living room.

Isa Yo-Jo

After she died Daria found to her great chagrin that there actually was an afterlife and that her life hadn’t quite fulfilled St. Peter’s standards. She crossed the river Styx (“The Grand Illusion” was piped though the boat’s loudspeakers) and was escorted to the room where she would spend the rest of eternity by a small demon. So far things didn’t seem so bad. Daria had gotten back the body she’d had in her twenties. Maybe Hell wasn’t as bad as it was made out.

As the door shut and locked forever behind her, the room’s other occupants both greeted her.

“Ah, if it isn’t the lovely and sexy Miss Morgendorffer. Rrrrrrr, feisty!"

“Heeeeey…..could you….ask that….red guy….if they have….any other….cloooothes? This dress is so wrooooonng.”

Later Daria learned that the one upside of Hell is that fingers you scrape to the bone trying to get though an impassable door eventually grow back. Plus that Upchuck thought her screams were sexy.


A cross-over that most definitely should never, ever be done

"Kevin, smokes, let's go." Jane gestured impatiently.

Daria watched silently as Kevin handed two cigarettes over to Jane. Her thoughts were elsewhere as she sipped her rum and coke.

"Okay," Daria said. "Is everybody clear on what they have to do?".

Silence. Kevin and Brittany, as ever, looked confused.

"Look, you guys just make a distraction, make sure Mr. DeMartino comes out and starts yelling at you, then me and Jane will slip inside and change her grade in the book."

"It's not my fault we have to change the damn grade. Stupid DeMartino asking me trick questio-"

"Shut up Jane. Kevin, Brittany, are we clear?"

Kevin managed to look offended. "We're not like, stupid, Daria!"

"Yes. You are stupid, Kevin, that's why I've had to explain this five times."

* * *

"Hurry up and change it!"

"I'm going as fast as I can, Daria. There's a lot of hard names in this book. Wait, I found it!"

"Good. Change it to something half-believable and let's go."

"Right. Wait, what do you mean half-believable?" Jane put the book down. "Are you calling me stupid?"

Daria was keeping watch at the door. "What? Just change the grade, Jane!"

"No, if you think I'm stupid, then you should just come out and say it!"

Ms. Li chose that moment to walk in, her head buried in a pile of papers. "Mr. DeMartino, I've been looking through our budget and decided that chalk is in fact a luxury we can't af-" She looked up. "Girls? What are you doing here!? And why have you got Mr. DeMartino's report book?"

Neither of the girls could think of anything convincing enough to get them out of this, so they remained silent.

"I see. I'm sorry girls, but I'm sentencing you to two months detention, starting tomorrow. See you at 3pm!" Ms. Li turned on her heel and walked out.

"Hey Ms. Li. Knock knock?" Jane called after her.

Angela Li turned in the doorway, nonplussed. "Erm, who's there?"

"A stupid high school principle who's obsessed with detention and rules and getting glory for her stupid little highschool... and... stuff."

And suddenly, it was five months detention.

* * *

A few days later, Daria and Jane were sitting in detention. Jane was talking excitedly.

"But the thing is, you have to think positive. Like, instead of imagining I'm in detention, I'm imagining I'm at an art camp, or something."

Daria didn't say anything. But her fingers were white as she gripped the edges of her desk tightly, and she wished she had another rum and coke.


As the Morgendorffers stood before the Pearly Gates, Jake had to admit to St. Peter that perhaps his authentic Civil War pork extravaganza could have cooked a while longer.


As the Morgendorffers stood before the Pearly Gates, Jake had to admit to St. Peter that perhaps his authentic Civil War pork extravaganza could have cooked a while longer.

Standing behind him, Daria turned to the Grim Reaper and said "Hey, I didn't even eat the pork."


The grim reaper (Tiffany) replied, "Does thiiiiis scythe make meeee look faaaat?"


To which Daria replies, "Yes, it does; I can hold it for you if you want. And those robes are really unflattering too; I can take those as well."

E.A. Smith

Kevin swelled with pride as he signed the document. They had told him that he needed a high school diploma, but he'd shown them! He'd gotten into the army by sheer determination, going from recruiter to recruiter until one had finally seen things his way.

Carefully finishing his signature, Kevin grinned triumphantly at the soldier. "That's it! I'm ready to go!"

The sargento shook his head, bemused. Well, if the boy wanted to become a citizen who was he to stop him? "Welcome to the Army of the Republic of Mexico, senior Thompson.

Nemo Blank

Always one to look on the bright side (at least when his mood swing was on the uptick), Jake had to admit with some pride that the tapeworm he got from Tokyo Toby's did at least get him in the "Guiness Book of World Records."


"Give it up, O'Neill," Det. Brisco snarled, "We've got you nailed cold on the panty-sniffing thing and the toilet-cams. It's only a matter of time before we finger you as the Lawndale Slumber Party Streaker."


Wind whipped past her as she clung to the platform, threatening to tear her from her perch and send hes spinning into the void of this massive room in the bowels of the floating city.

Above her, his hand held out for her, the Sith Lord stood, his voice calm and assured... and persuasive.

"You have no idea, young Morgendorffer, of the power of the Dark Side. Come with me and I will complete your training. It is your destiny!"

"Uh, yeah," she replied, the stump on the end of her arm burning where the light saber had swept her hand away. "Really, I think I'll pass."

"You do not understand!" he rumbled, "Daria, I am your father!"

Had Daria's eyebrow shot any higher, it would have left her face. "Dad, it's not for nothing that they named you 'Darth Obvious.'"

"Awwww, maaaaan!!!"


"Aw, dammit, she didn't even look at me! This thing is no good! Cupid my ass!" Kevin threw the tazer down, stomped it into ruin and set out in search of diaper-boy to administer another butt kicking to the perverted freak.

Brittany jogged along the path, feeling funny. Then she turned the corner and gaped. "Oh! There you are! I've finally found you!"

Jane was running, headphones on as usual, so it came as a shock when Upchuck shot past her like she was standing still. She almost fell when she realized that his running attire included polished wing tip shoes, an off-white dress shirt and fruit-of-the-loom underwear.

Gritting her teeth, Jane poured on the speed and caught up. There was no way that a soft-body like Upchuck was going to outrun Jane Lane, even if he was trying to impress her with his lunacy.

Passing him, she gave him a dismissive smirk. There was no way that he could keep it up for long.

Upchuck paid no attention, passing her again almost without effort.

Stung, Jane summoned all that she had and caught up. "Upchuck! What the hell are you doing?"

"Running!" he screamed back at her. His day had started out well, gotten much better with the fulfillment of certain old fantasies of his and then abruptly plunged into the abyss.

Jane finally had enough breath to reply. "Since when do you run?"

"Since that crazy woman started chasing me! I'm too young for this kind of crap!" Upchuck looked back at her, squealed with terror and rocketed away, leaving Jane staring after him in puzzlement.

The puzzlement turned to fear when she saw the reason for his motivation.

"Hi Jane! I'm getting married! Today, just as soon as I catch the groom! Isn't he handsome?" Brittany pounded past in hot pursuit of the future father of her child. He was a little confused, but wonderfully vulnerable to nerve grips. He would surely thank her for it later.

Stunned, Jane turned for home. She was going to hide in the basement under a quilt until the worst of the wierdness had passed.

Nemo Blank

Daria's mouth went dry as she look at her Aunt Amy and realized that for the first time she was looking, with knowledge, at a member of the Thought Police.


Daria decided this wasn't the best time to inform him that Regina was gravid.

Jake changed his mind as soon as he figured out how useful tyrannosaurs were in consulting. Clients were much more likely to accept his proposals when he had a baby carnosaur sitting at his feet.


For a moment Daria was alone, then the door opened and O'Neill came in.

'You asked me once,' said O'Neill, his smiling face almost the same, but different, now so sinister, 'what was in Room 101. I told you that you knew the answer already. Everyone knows it. The thing that is in Room 101 is the worst thing in the world.'

The door opened and four girls came in, each carrying something small in their hands. Daria could not make out their faces. They set them down on the table with the sound of plastic meeting wood. Because of where O'Neill was standing, Daria could not see what they were.

'The worst thing in the world,' said O'Neill, 'varies from individual to individual. It may be burial alive, or death by fire, or by drowning, or by impalement, or fifty other deaths. There are cases where it is some quite trivial thing, not even fatal.'

He had moved to one side, so that Daria had a better view of the things on the tables. They were small plastic cases in pastel colors: eggshell, coral, mauve, teal.

"In your case," O'Neill said, "the worst thing in the world happens to be a makeover."

A sort of premonitory tremor, a fear of she was not certain what, had passed through Daria as soon as she caught his first glimpse of the cases. But at this moment the meaning of the pastel colors sank into her. Her bowels seemed to turn to water.

'You can't do that!' she cried out in a cracked voice. 'You couldn't, you couldn't! It's impossible.'

'Do you remember the dreams you had?' O'Neill, 'Walking through the halls, painted like a harlot. The screams, as you woke, heart pounding with fear. But fear of what, you refused to admit to yourself.'

'Mr. O'Neill,' Daria said, making an effort to control her voice, 'You know this is not necessary. What is it that you want me to do?'

O'Neill made no direct answer. When he spoke it was in the breathy, urgent manner that he sometimes affected. He looked thoughtfully into the distance, as though he were addressing a self-esteem somewhere behind Daria's back.

'By itself,' he said, 'pain is not always enough. There are occasions when a human being will stand out against pain, even to the point of death. But for everyone there is something unendurable—something that cannot be contemplated. Courage and cowardice are not involved. If you are falling from a height it is not cowardly to clutch at a rope. If you have come up from deep water it is not cowardly to fill your lungs with air. It is merely an instinct which cannot be destroyed. It is the same with the makeup. For you, it are unendurable. It is a form of pressure that you cannot withstand, even if you wished to. You will do what is required of you.'

'But what is it, what is it? How can I do it if I don't know what it is?'

O'Neill motioned and the four girls came forward, picked up their make-up cases. Daria could make out the blank face of her sister Quinn. Daria could hear the blood singing in her ears. She felt trapped; she was back at the parade, using Quinn as a human shield, from Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany. But no, they were before her, clearly visible right behind Quinn. Their faces were empty, too.

'You know what you fear. The make-up is but the first step. Your values, your brains, everything that makes you you gone.'

The makeup cases clicked open. The four girls closed in. Daria could hear their breathing; it sounded as if it came from above her. But she fought furiously against her panic. To think, to think, even with a split second left—to think was the only hope. Suddenly the cloying odor of their perfumes struck her nostrils. There was a violent convulsion of nausea inside her. Everything went black. For an instant she was insane, a screaming animal. Yet she came out of the blackness clutching an idea. There was one and only one way to save himself. She must interpose another human being, the body of another human being, between herself and the Fashion Club.

Each girl had a different tool: mascara for Quinn; tweezers for Tiffany; lipstick for Sandi; blush for Stacy. Quinn in the lead, her mascara looming in Daria's eyes, creeping toward her. It brushed her eyelid. And then—no, it was not relief, only hope, a tiny fragment of hope. Too late, perhaps too late. But she had suddenly understood that in the whole world there was just one person to whom she could transfer her punishment—one body that she could thrust between herself and the the Fashion Club. And she was shouting frantically, over and over.

'Do it to Jane! Do it to Jane! Not me! Jane! I don't care what you do to her. Paint her face, strip her mind. Not me! Jane! Not me!'

She was falling backwards, into enormous depths. She was still strapped in the chair, but he had fallen through the floor, through the walls of the building, through the earth, through the oceans, through the atmosphere, into outer space, into the gulfs between the stars—always away, away, away. She was light years distant, but O'Neill was still standing at her side. There was still the soft touch of mascara against her eyelid. But through the darkness that enveloped her she heard another plastic click, and knew that the make-up cases had clicked shut and not open.


ANDREA: I can't stand it anymore! I'm sick of being a minor character! I demand a promotion.

JANE: Tough. There's only room for one sidekick in Daria, and that's me.

ANDREA: Trent, Daria and Monique hate you. You'll never find love in Lawndale

TRENT: Man, that hurts.

ANDREA: You might as well leave town and take your little sister with you.

TRENT: Naah. I'll just use the pain and become Lawndale's greatest blues musician.



JANE: Hi! I'm Jane Lane, and today for your entertainment, I'm going to show you Trent practicing guitar for eight hours straight.

DARIA: I think you mean "sleeping", Jane.

JANE: It's all the same for him.


Daria: You didn't. Please tell me you didn't!

>penguin walks in with various torture devices<

Daria: Yep, they did. They started it again. The next few weeks are really gonna suck.

Penguin: I want you to.....

Daria: I know the drill, I've been through this thing 3 or 4 times already. Hurry will you? Maybe this time won't take as long.

Penguin: >stands dazed< Um...ok?

Penguin walks out of room, sneaks into an awaiting taxi, which has the letters T, A, and G boldly emblazoned on its side. It drives erratically away with the driver's mind seemingly on something else.....

Daria(coming out of her room): Is it over now? Is the madness really over?

>dramatic narrator voice< Stay tuned to find out if this thread is really over, or will the misadventures she and all the denizens of Lawndale have been having for the past 4 weeks continue? Don't touch that keyboard! >/dramatic narrator voice<


Looking around carefully as she approached the door she couldn't help feel like she's being watched. Nervously looking around she reaches out and presses the doorbell gently. Hearing the soft chiming within a soft sigh of relief escapes through her lips. After a moment the door opens and she smiles at the dark hair of her lover showing through the crack.

"Hello, Janet. May I help you?" The distinguish looking gentleman said with a suggestive smirk.

"Yes, Andrew. You can tell me that Michelle and the kids are out." Janet said with a dreamy smile as she leaned in to kiss the married man.

Opening the door wider Andrew led his daughter's teacher inside, before locking the door behind him. "Of course they are, we have the house all to ourselves, Janet, my love."


Opening the door wider Andrew led his daughter's teacher inside, before locking the door behind him. "Of course they are, we have the house all to ourselves, Janet, my love."

This is a much more fun way to get back at malekind than being constantly crabby, thought Janet as she stabbed Andrew 17 times in the back.


Into each generation a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One, one born with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires....

"Does this stake make me look fat?"

She is Tiffany the Vampire Slayer.


TIFFANY: That scene is so wrong...


The last of Daria's life blood drained into the goblet. This the Master raised on high, saying, "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the continued life and long, incompetent reign of Rita, the Vampire Slayer!"


As Lipoleon prepared her next brutal proclamation, the Fashion Club marched through the corridor bleating "Aubergine bad! Peach good!"

At that moment Daria and Jane turned to flee, seeing their dream had collapsed before them.

Gregor Samsa

"Today," Tom Sloane said to his assembled yes-men and bootlicks, "Marks the begining of my Hundred Days of indestructablity before my Ascension." He raised his wine glass. "Gentlemen, to Evil!"


Into each generation a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One, one born with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires....

After school, the mysterious and slightly affected man in the overcoat caught up with OH again, grabbing her by the arm as she walked past the library. “Wait! You are the chosen one Daria, only you can stop Tom from ascending and unleashing a thousand years of darkness on the world!”

“Uh, Mr. O’Neil I’d love to help you but I uh … have a middle ear infection. The doctor said not to participate in any physical activity for a while.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry Daria, what was I thinking? You just take it easy and we’ll talk about this when you feel better OK? By the way, what’s your friend Jane’s number?”

Better luck with Jane, Mr O'Neil


Trent checked the safety of his P90 one last time as the rest of his team checked their various bits of equipment. Jesse had the butt of his big Squad Automatic Weapon resting on his cocked hip as he fixed the two-hundred round ammunition box to breach. Max and Nick carried similar P90s, and all of them had web gear slung with (technicaly) non lethal grenades and smoke bombs.

The foursome exchanged nods of readiness as Colonel Trent Lane looked back and above him to the control room window to give his first order of the day.

"Activate the Stargate!"


Suddenly, everything burned to ashes...

Ms. Kinnikufan

As the great reptilian monstrosity held the subway car, Daria sidled over to Ms. Li and asked "Okay, just how much of a discount did you get for this field trip to Tokyo in the 'off' season?"


Jane and Daria were trying to find something to eat in the kitchen at Casa Lane when Trent came walking up from the basement.

"So, Trent," said Jane, "still looking for that new sound?"

"I found it, Janey," said Trent, "I was watching some old classic stuff from the Sixties on TV last night and it gave me some inspiration."

"Um, can we hear it?" asked Daria.

"Sure, come on downstairs," said Trent.

"Sixties music?" Daria said gently to Jane.

"Maybe we're talking Beatles here?" wondered Jane.

The two girls followed Trent down to the basement. They were surprised to see Jesse with an accordian, Max with a clarinet, and Nick with a trombone.

Trent picked up a conductor's baton and started: "A-one-uh-and-uh-two-uh-...."


Into every generation a slayer is born.....
Willow " I can feel them coming awake all over the world"

The Fashion Club

As the new strength coursed through her limbs Stacy realized she had a few things to sort out with Sandy.


The fashion club staggered as they gained the power to sort out all the bad fashion the vampires were responsible for.

The Cheerleaders

Brittany really hadn't expected the surge of strength and hoped Kevin would be out of hospital in time for their next date.


The football team were in for the shock of their lives on the next set of dates with the cheerleaders.


Jodie was about to lose her temper and it was going to be worse than even she expected.


The fashion club and the cheerleaders didn't know it but a new order was coming to Lawndale High.


Andrea was so happy, it was her favorite time of the week again!

"Hey, Nathan! Where's the scene tonight dreamboat? The drive-in? We swingers gotta know these things in advance!"

"Come here and kiss me, dollface!"

Andrea, in her best 40's outfit complete with snood, ran right up to Nathan and played some tonsil hockey.....

They never made it to the scene.


Daria stared with horror at the scene that she had stumbled into.

The three J's were all dressed in SS uniforms, complete with swagger sticks and oversized deaths-head insignia. The Fashion Club, fortunately minus Quinn, hung on them, with adoring gazes. Kevin was standing on an Oberstuberfuhrer's uniform, giving the Nazi salute with the wrong arm. And up on the podium, in the uniform of the Fuhrer of the Lawndale Nazi's...

Daria blew her stack. "Jodie! You idiot! Do you really HAVE to take every single post that you're offered?"

Nemo Blank

They never made it to the scene.

They did however make it into a scene of Upchucks private video collection. Late at night in his neighborhood you can still hear him moaning, "Oh, Nathan!!!"


"Into every generation, etc., etc., etc.,"

It was a hard battle, but Daria finally had the [generic blonde French nobleman vampire] on the ropes. As he lay helpless against the tombstone, Daria raised her stake for the final strike.

A hand grabbed her arm, preventing her from striking. "Daria, stop!"

She stared at Giles in confusion. "What?!? Okay, Angel and Spike have souls, and Drusilla and Harmony have contracts, what's so special about [generic blonde French nobleman vampire] that I can't slay him?"

"Perhaps this will clear things up," said Giles.

She took the paper from him. "A cease and desist order?!?"

"Yes," said [generic blonde French nobleman vampire], "I and others like me are protected by copywrite from appearing in works of fan fiction. Continue to use my name and likeness, Slayer, and you will be in serious breach of the law." He laughed mockingly.

"Is this serious?" asked Daria.

"Yes, I ran it by your mother and I'm afraid it is ironclad."

[Generic blonde French nobleman vampire] stood up and wiped off his clothes. "I suppose an apology is not to be expecte?"

Daria glowered at him.

"Apparently not. I'll be on my way then." He stalked off in a huff.

"Damn Rice anyway," grumbled Daria. "At least we can work on our next quarry."

"Bad news there too, I'm afraid. [Generic Roman vampire] and [generic Russian-born Italian stud-mufffin vampire] are off limits, too."

"Damn!" She thought for a moment. "Drac?"

"Public domain."

"He's going down."


The Generics had barely walked a dozen paces away when the limousine pulled to the curb, disgorging a trio of well-dressed men.

'Daria Morgendorffer?' one of the three men asked. 'Are you Daria Morgendorffer?'

Confusion set across Daria's brow as the handsome black man placed his suitcase on the trunk of the limo, and waved Daria closer. 'Uh, yes...?'

'Charles Gunn. I work for Wolfram and Hart.'

He opened his briefcase, and his two associates went to stop the Generics as Gunn withdrew a manila folder and opened it.

'An emergency injunction from the United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit which will allow you to operate under the 'fair use of a copyrighted work' provision set in the Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music, Inc.' Supreme Court decision. As you are operating within the confines of a fan fiction and as no money is to be expected, exchanged or acquired from the release and distribution of this intellectual property, any direct action or refusals to take action by you towards the immediate and absolute cessation of their collective corporeal existence will not leave you in an actionable position.'

Another folder. 'This is a copy of a motion cross-filed three minutes ago by my firm asking that the court immediately vacate their cease-and-desist motion on the grounds that you and your companions-' He turned towards the generic vampires. '-That, being generic representations of mythical creatures of malice and not specifically recognizable intellectual properties from a known creative source who is legally recognized as such, you in fact have no legal recourse or protection under copyright law.'

Daria let an exasperated breath flow out.' "My mother said that their writ was ironclad.'

'That's why your mother doesn't work for us.'

'That means I can dust them now?'

Gunn shrugged. 'Feel free.'

Brother Grimace

"Two, four, six, eight, Daria's on her final date! Gooooo, funeral!"

With that, Sandi threw her pompoms at the minister and ran out of the church.


Eventually, CNN found a moment to cut away from the footage of bin Laden's battered, shaven, and very frightened face, replacing it with the shot of the hospital bed in—they said—the base at Diego Garcia, where the young soldier wearing an eye bandage, a neck brace, and a ****-eating grin was being presented with the Presidential Medal of Freedom by the President himself.

The announcer droned on. "...special session held early this morning, congress awarded Corporal Kevin Thompson, and late fellow Ranger Beavis Sherman the Medal of Honor for their daring actions that brought about the terrorist leader's capture last Friday. According to spokesmen at the Army Hospital at Ramstein, Corporal Thompson's response at hearing the news was simply, 'All right!'"

Daria hit the mute on the TV remote, and slowly turned to Jane, who'd come by the Raft dorm for a matinee just as the news broke, and had been glued to the TV through the entire weekend.

Her expression hadn't really changed, much. Mouth slightly agape, one eyebrow raised in a high arch.

"Jane," Daria said, "if you're still in there, please say something. And try to blink, while you're at it."

Jane's eyelids fluttered, and she managed to mumble something about an ugly caterpillar turning into a 'beeeautiful butterfly,' which sounded like something Jane's mother must have taught her—it seemed 'hippie' enough.

Daria sighed. Of course, it wasn't like she, to her shame as a writer, was coming up with any words to describe the situation. Through the cottony haze in her tired mind, the best she could come up with were fleeting thoughts about crucibles and 'royal jelly.'

She flopped back into her chair, and rubbed at her eyes with a groan. God, she thought, this was even worse than when Quinn got named poet laureate.


It was bitter cold as the overcast sky sent desultory snowflakes down on the frozen Hell surrounding the Belgium city of Bastogne. Smoking craters dotted the snowfield around the American positions and four heads peered out at the devestated scene.

Sgt. Landon said, "I... I think we're the only ones left."

"I think this is Thompson's arm," muttered Pvt. Hecuba.

"The assault will be coming soon," said Cpl. Lane.

"Hundreds of crack German troops and only us to hold them off," said Pvt. Morgendorffer.

Landon put a new clip in her Thompson Gun. "This is it, girls."

"There's only one thing left to do," agreed Hecuba, tossing Thompson's arm into the snow."

Morgendorffer and Lane looked at each other and nodded. "Road trip!" they said as one.

As one, Hecuba, Lane, and Morgendorffer got up and ran for the jeep. "Wait a minute, you can't be serious!" shouted Landon. "In the middle of a battle? Girls! Dammit! Don't you dare leave me behind!" she cried as she took off after the jeep. "That's an order, Gahdammit!!!"


DARIA: I'm getting sick of all these fanfic-writers turning me into some sort of sex goddess. They seem to think I'm destined to start dressing like Quinn—or worse—and capture some guy's heart to such a ridiculous extent that I barely ever manage to make it out of bed.

JANE: Well, what are you going to do about it? Everyone loves reading a good "shipper" story.

DARIA: I'm going to become a nun.

JANE: And what makes you think...

Jane's jaw drops as heavenly music can be heard, a light shines down on Daria, and she is borne by angels upwards out of view.

JANE: Cheater! Those were hunky angel guys!


Helen knew the world was doomed when Superman, Batman, Mr. Incredible, The Fantastic Four, Hellboy, The Silver Surfer and Invincible came to the door and declared Jake the only thing standing between total chaos.

Ms. Kinnikufan

Her belief was re enforced a moment later when Jake came down dressed in a spandex outfit claiming to The Squirrel Hunter, and as such is the only one that could defeat the Evil Doctor Von Squirrely.


Daria was royally pissed. Someone had given those two brain-dead morons from Highland they're own show! It was supposed to be about them and their misdadventures in Highland, Texas in their teen years but none of it was true. Especially the person they got to play her. Way too short, too perky of a voice, hell they couldn't even get her outfit right. Black jacket and red skirt, please! And she never wore jewelry so why was she wearing a pendant? That's fine for Quinn, but not me thank you very much!

"And they completely edited out the part about the love triangle between the 3 of them, saying it would divide the fanbase too much! The one thing she remembered fondly about the two of them and it doesn't make the show? That does it!" she ranted to no one in paticular. "If I get my own show, we're moving it away from this dump! And no love triangles, I couldn't go through that again after those two took my heart and lit a firecracker inside of it."

"Hello, MTV?"


And then there was the third daughter, whom Jake refused to acknowledge ....


"Squirrelgirls?!? Preposterous! Nobody in their right mind would let a girl partake in a profesion as fraught with danger as this! You think a woman would be able to hold her own against a herd of sampeding fliptails? Do you think one of the fairer sex could bare to do any branding or castrating? Only a man can be a squirrelboy, it's the natural order of things."

Big Jake spat his quid into the fire to emphasize his point. The boys applauded because usually he wound up swallowing the tobacco and performing the technicolor yawn.

Daria leaned back against her saddle and thought, "If you only knew, Dad, if you only knew. All I can count on is your inability to recognize the nose on your own face and the hormones I take that give me this fine handlebar moustache."

She noticed Tom giving her the hairy eyeball as she twirled it thoughtfully. She drew her gun and said, "What do you think your looking at, you damn cayuse?"

"Nothing!" he said quickly, and looked out into the distance.

"Yep," said Big Jake, biting another plug of tobacco, "Plumb unnatural." He chewed twice, then swallowed, as the other squirrelboys jumped away from the fire.


Vader searched the darkness for Luke. "Your feeling for your friends are strong. Especially for . . . " he paused as he digested the new information. "Sister. You have a twin sister. Obi-Wan was wise to hide her from me. His failure is now complete." He turned, still trying to catch a glimpse of his son. "If you will not turn to the dark side, perhaps she will."

The result wasn't what he was expecting.

Luke started laughing.

"What is so funny?" Vader asked, following the sound to its source.

"C'mon," Luke managed to blurt between chortles, "think about it. What would happen if Daria turned to the dark side."

"Hmm," Vader pondered. Then, he too began to laugh. Quickly, he calmed himself enough to reply, "She'd take over in a week."

The Emperor's face paled with fear.

Ranger Thorne

Jake's initial efforts to build an anti-squirrel suit were ... unsuccessful.


A gavel rapped loudly on the desk at the front of the House of Representatives giving the signal to quiet down before Sargent at Arms Micheal Jordan Mackenzie called out loudly, "I present to you, the President of the United States of America. Kevin Thompson."

Speaker of the House, Jodie Landon led the applause all the while groaning inwardly as she thought, 'I wonder how life in Japan is working out for Daria and Jane... Maybe I should join them.'


(Sung to the tune of Queen's 'Flash's Theme' from 'Flash Gordon')

Kevin - THOMPSON! - Saviour of the universe!
Kevin - THOMPSON! - He'll save ev'ry one of us!
Kevin - THOMPSON! - He's a miracle!
Kevin - THOMPSON! - king of the impossible!
He's for ev'ry one of us
Stand for ev'ry one of us
He'll save with a mighty hand
Ev'ry man, ev'ry woman, ev'ry child
With a mighty quarterback dash!
Kevin - THOMPSON! - He'll save ev'ry one of us!

Just a man with a QB's courage
He knows, nothing but a QB
But he can never fail
No one but the pure in heart
May cross the golden goal line
Oh oh - oh oh

Kevin - Oh, oh...

Brother Grimace

[Schloss Morgendorffer appears on camera. The door is open, and before the door is a wooden crate. As the camera pans toward the door, we occasionally see the box bouncing. Intermittant angry gibbering can be heard from inside it.

[The camera pans over the crate, where we briefly see the return address: Tasmania. The camera continues through the door into the living room, where we see Daria, dialing the phone.]

Daria: Hello, Fed Ex? I need you to pick up a package to deliver to Highland, TX, please...


JANE: Oh, no! The Penguin's attacking Pizza Palace with his evil army of penguins! You've got superpowers now, Daria. Do something!

DARIA: Sorry, Jane. Can't help.

JANE: Why not?

DARIA: Do you really think anything's going to make me wear yellow spandex? That's fundamentally against my personality.

JANE: Hmm. You've got a point. (Beat) You know, if Trent saw you—

DARIA: Don't go there, Jane.

JANE: Damn.


Triumphant, Kevin Thompson pulled the sword from the stone and held the ebony blade above his head. "I'm the champion of all time!"

Dimly at first, runes began to appear on the blade and writhe as if in torment. Though written in a language forgotten ages ago, the pure evil of the script was unmistakable. As Kevin swung the sword, the they became umistakable as a sinister, soul-tearing moan began to eminate from the runeblade.

Freed from it's age-long slumber, the moan became a deep, inhuman laugh and a voice entered the mind of all who were present.

"My master is my slave."


"And the latest Miss Lawndale is... Janet Barch!"


Daria knew it was going to be a terrible fanfic when her wrist suddenly began to bleed and Evanescence's "Torniquet" began to loudly play in the background.

Ms. Kinnikufan

Daria knew it was going to be a terrible fanfic when Mrs. Johansen showed up at her door in nothing but a thong bikini saying she was ready for her date with Daria.


Daria knew it was going to be a terrible fanfic when she walked in her room to find Artie, Dr. Shar and Mrs. Johansen playing Co-Ed Naked Twister.


Jane knew that Daria was really hating the thread when she came in to find that her friend had driven a railroad spike through her head. It took her and Quinn three hours to pry the auburn haired girl loose from the desk.

"Hell," Jane complained, "now how are we going to get a shot at another "Daria" movie?"

Ranger Thorne

As the barracudas ate off her arm, leg and face, Melody Powers finally understood why everyone at headquarters had been so condoling when they heard who she'd been partnered with on this assignment.


Daria looked around at her new office. She could hardly believe she'd reached the pinnacle of her profession while still in her early thirties.

She thought of her predecessor. Could she live up to such high standards?

She felt a twinge of uncertainty. But she reminded herself that even her predecessor had had such moments and knew how to deal with them. Daria repeated:

"I am Daria, as in Daria. I am Daria, as in Daria. I am Daria, as in ..."


As Daria gathered the bleach, steel wool and ammonia to clean out her eyes she started to wonder why the author had her walk in on Mrs. Johansen and The Spatula Man in coital bliss.


Looking over his new cell-mate he sighed wondering again if it was worth smashing Max over the head with his guitar, just to get him to shut up about being "Criminales". Maybe driving the Tank off the edge of the quarry was a bit over the top, but at the time it was very well worth it. So with a sigh he extended his hand and shook the cell-mate's pro-offered hand.

"I'm Bubba, and you?" Said the three hundred pound wall of muscles.

"Cool, I'm Jesse." Jesse said in his normal tone.


Jesse almost soiled himself when Bubba began to sing...

"Jess, you is my woman now..."


Jesse did soil himself however when the rest of the cell block joined in the next few lines.

"..You is, you is!
An' you must laugh an' sing an' dance
For two instead of one.
Want no wrinkle on yo' brow,
Because de sorrow of de past is all done done
Oh, bess, my bess!
the real happiness is jest begun," echoed through the corridors loudly.


As the fish ate Daria alive, they reflected that her diet of pizza and lasagna and lack of exercise made her taste terrible.


Daria seethed in jealousy as she walked to the pond. It was Li's new obsession, the Lawndale Botanical Gardens, and her dear friend Jane had recieved a plum of an assignment working in the topiary gardens, and did Li assign her best friend to work with her?

Hell no, she gave that assignment to the highly undeserving Quinn, while Daria got to feed the ornamental goldfish in the Japanese gardens.

Daria knelt by the pool, cursing Li as she spread the food on the surface of the water. So intent was she on muttering invectives that she failed to see it rising to the surface.

She was startled by the movement out of the corner of her eye, as the great fish inhaled the food in a single gulp, rolling its huge eye at Daria and flashing it's huge, golden-red scaled flanks as it disappeared back into the depths.

Daria stood up and backed away slowly, her eyes huge. She backed into the supply shed, where Li was sitting, replacing twine in a weed eater. Li looked up questioningly at Daria, who never took her eye off the water as she muttered, "You've got to get a bigger koi pond."


At twenty-seven years of age, after a double mastectomy, a hysterectomy, and testosterone treatments, David Jonathan Morgendorffer was finally the man he had always longed to be.


"You were the chosen one!" yelled Obi-Wan Lane as she wiped the sweat off of her face with the back of her robe. She struggled to catch her breath as she knelt on the ground. "It was said that you would, destroy the Sith, not join them. It was you who would bring balance to the Force, not leave it in Darkness. Daria, what happened?" Jane looked up at the person standing above her.

"Do not call me by that name. I am not to be called by my true name." Daria, wearing a pantsuit, lit her lightsaber once again. "I am known as Angela Morgendorffer!"


Without anything resembling effort, Trent Lane snapped the Asian commando's neck and kicked outward, making a muffled groan spurt from the second miscreant as he slammed into the wall face-first, then oozed slowly down into a lump.

"Kev, you okay?"

"Yeah, we kicked their -AAAH!"

Kevin Thompson shrieked as several bullets tore through him, and Trent watched him fall as a shadow seemed to rise from the depths of the warehouse.


"After you got away from us with that... somewhat effective portrayal of death, to find you alive was gratifying," the Chinese woman snarled softly. "Take him. If possible, alive."

Before anyone could move, the sound of pistol fire echoed through the room, and Chinese commandoes fell like cordwood!


"Over here!"

Jesse Moreno, his pistol still held ready, ran over to cover Trent as he checked Kevin. "He's gone," Trent hissed. "Damnit! I told him to stay under cover-"

"Trent - let it go," Jesse told him, passing a pistol over to him. "We have to go. I have to get you back to CTU."

"Did you get Li?"

"She got away."

"Damn! How long before the bomb goes off?"

"Daria and that Dewitt-Clinton guy are still trying to decrypt the codes to the Sloane mainframe. There's no telling."

"Any chance that Angier Sloane'll talk?"

"Doesn't matter. Jane's taking a tactical team over to the S.I. Building. They'll get the real head."

"Jesus. She'll kill Tom Sloane."

"Not before she gets what we need."

"Right. Let's go."


Brother Grimace

As a lightsaber protruded from his chest, R2D2 wondered what could have made C3P0 go over to the Dark Side. He did suspect that the Fashion Club, who were egging on the protocol droid, might have something to do with it.


Jane looked up balefully at the bloodstained person standing in front of her, "Why... why did you kill Li? She had nothing to do with this..."

Leaning down the murderer whispered softly, "I had to... it was her that had me put on those drugs Jane... remember me before them?"

Jane started to back away from the murderer fearfully. "Y... Yes I do..."

Smiling the killer started to stalk closer to the retreating female. "You told her I attacked you back then... it's payback time."

Jane let out a shriek of terror as Stacy raised up the knife and brought it down in Jane's chest. A minute later Jane's blood spitting out of her mouth across Stacy's outfit and her own body started the journey to join with Li's cooling blood on the floor. Stacy stood up and smiled victoriously "I told you never to tell on me Jane. Now it's too late for you to remember that."


They stared at the mutilated, empty cage that mere minutes ago they had lowered into the water with their oceonagrapher, Tom Sloane.

Before either Sherrif Mack Mackenzie or Captain Jake Morgendorffer could say a word, the beast leaped from the ocean and draped itself across the stern of the "Mad Dog," causing the deck to tilt dangerously.

Mack attempted to hold onto Jake, but his hands were greasy from spreading the chum. Jake slipped from his hands and slid screaming into the waiting jaws and huge buck teeth of the great white squirrel!


Daria knew it was going to be a great day when Lawndale High suddenly imploded..

Ms. Kinnikufan

She just hoped no-one traced it back to her......


The sounds of the violence easily passed the walls of the Morgendorffer house. Jake's loud yelling had soon become shrill screaming, and then an ominous silence. Helen glanced nervously out the curtains.

"Girls,Jane, we are going to walk out to the SUV, get into it, and drive away. Not a sound out of you, no matter what!" Quinn started her best Stacy impression immediately.


With what they later admitted was a great deal of satisfaction, Jane grabbed Quinn's left arm and covered her eyes. Daria duct taped her sister's open mouth shut, and grabbed her right arm. Helen rolled her eyes in exasperation, but led the way out to the SUV.The sidewalk was clear, but the lawn was crowded with squirrels, their beady black eyes glaring at the four women. The rodents didn't move as the SUV slowly pulled away.

Jake yelled out of the top of the tree. "Helen?Jane? Anybody? Gah,dammit! Treed by squirrels!"


This fanfic is called "Chicken Soup for the Lawndale Soul" ...


As she joined her best friends the brunette brought the salt-less, butter-less, tasteless popcorn with her. Sitting down she smiled and offered some to the black haired girl next to her who took a handful before passing the bowl along. As Fashion Vision's special on footwear through the ages the brunette spoke up, "I'm so glad you all could make it here today."

Jane turned with a big smile on her face, "Anytime Daria, we just love spending time with you." Jodie and Andrea nod their agreement as they eat more of the popcorn.

Quinn smiled up at her older sister from her spot on the ground. "After this, can I do your hair Andrea? Please? I promise I'll do a good job on it," Quinn asked pleasantly.

Helen then walked in with a big batch of homemade cookies and skim milk for the girls to munch on with the popcorn before starting the roast for dinner. "I'm so glad you're friends are enjoying themselves Daria, you should have them over more often."

"I would love that Mrs. Morgendorffer," Jodie replied, "I don't have anything to do normally."

Andrea looked up with a smile and in a shy yet perky voice asked, "Does that include me?" At Helen's nod her grin spread across her face.


"Attention, all Lawndale High School security personel!" Ms. Li's voice boomed over the intercom system, "Be advised that use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of Mack Daddy and QB HAS been approved."


As Tiffany struggled in vain against her restraints, Trent calmly whetted his kama, an occasional spark jumping off the rough metal to land on his kabuto helmet or the layer of clown-white covering his face.

And he sang, in a deep, throaty baritone, his ritual chant, his ballad of pain and beauty...

"Fall, fall, fall to the bottom of hell...Pool of blood, sea of fire, and needle mountains..."