"Daria!" Shouted the small black furred cabbit at her feet. "You have to change into Pretty Daria quick!!!"

Daria looked down at the cabbit scornfully, "Ryo-Jane you have best be serious about it, you know I hate that outfit..."

Ryo-Jane let out a loud sigh. "Yes you have to fight the bad guys or I'll never return you to normal."

Daria sighed and took the huge baton, "Pretty Mutation, Magical Recall!!" A bright light surrounded her transforming the everyday normal Daria into Magical Girl Pretty Daria. A hate filled glare beamed out from behind her pink Japanese design short skirt, her hair is in a long matching twin ponytails sticking out from either side of her head. "Ryo-Jane... I'm going to kill you extremely slowly... you know that right?"

Angelboy

DARIA: That was the worst day of my life.

[Jane nods.]

DARIA: The idiocy would not end.

[Jane nods again.]

JANE: You'd think they would stop to breathe, but no.

DARIA: Alas. And my marks were a real let-down. A 'Fail' in Economics just because I criticised capitalism? I wasn't serious when I said Communism was the answer. [Beat.] And that got Herr Li on my case.

JANE: She did go too far. That expulsion was not necessary.

DARIA: No, but I have been thinking about the matter. And there is a benefit. Now I'll have more time--

JANE: To write the 'Great American Novel'?

DARIA: No, better. Now I finally have time to do what I enjoy most-- To watch Big Brother 24 hours a day.

JANE: [Shocked.] What?

DARIA: [Calm, with a slight smile.] That's right Jane. I love Big Brother. You should too.

[Jane runs off into the distance. Daria walks on regardless.]

Gregor Samsa

The Apostle Mack: ...which means that you, Daria Morgendorffer, are the great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, GREAT, great, great, great, great, great, great, great-grandniece of Jesus Christ!

QB [exhaling a cloud of smoke and looking quizicaly at the Silent Jays]: Wait a minute. Does that mean Daria's black?

[Mack gives him a dirty look.]

Daria: Wait, this doesn't make sense! How can I be the Last Scion of Christ, when I have a younger sister?

[Stunned silence as the implications occur to everyone except QB.]

DiMetatron [Emerging from the bushes]: HOly SQUAT-thrusts! We've got the WRONG Last Scion!!!

Deceleraptor

So Upchuck would be the voice of God.....

Jackiedobson

The Metatron appears to Daria in a pillar of flame. Daria reaches for a fire extinguisher and calmly puts him out, leaving the angel coughing in frustration.

Metatron: Fiesty!

E. A. Smith

And Amy would be God.

Jackiedobson

Nope.

Jane turned around and yelled as loud as she could.

"Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now. "

And with that, The Almighty Trent launched into 'Ice Box Woman'.

WacoKid

But couldn't you see Amy having to deal with Upchuck as an assistant?

Jackiedobson

I'd see it as the other way around.

Upchuck: I'm afraid She's out on another of her "recreational adventures".

Mack: Not again!

Daria: What are you talking about?

Upchuck: Well, you see, She has certain ... habbits....

Daria: Huh?

Mack: God's a coke-head!

WacoKid

I see Daria and Jane more as Dante and Randall from Clerks.

Daria: You hate people.

Jane: But I love gatherings. Ironic, isn't it?

Dennis

[Brooke suddenly looked shocked and fell forward, dead. Brian pulled the hockey stick from her back, while Sam and Chris looked on approvingly.]

Azrael: Grrrrr, feisty! [To Brian, sharply] Take that to my boudoir.

Deceleraptor

As Tom Sloane kissed his way down the soft skin of Daria's neck, his observant eyes spotted a flash of color on his beloved's bosom. Quickly,he tore away her blouse and bra, only to recoil in horror! Daria laid on the bed and laughed. Her newly exposed skin revealed the twisting dragon tattoo of the Yakuza clan that had murdered his parents and sister!

"So, Mr. Sloane, now you know the truth! The Morgendorffer clan has lived in Lawndale many years, all so I could seduce you, and finish our deadly task!"

Jake, Helen, and Quinn all burst in the room then, their razor sharp swords flashing in the romantic candle light. Daria lept to her feet behind him, drawing her own sword from under the bed.

As her gleaming blade easily sliced through his neck muscles, sending his head flying, he had time for only one last thought.

"Well, at least this time she showed up."

Sleepless

"Get it off! Get it off!" Trent, lacking sufficient oxygen, gave up on running around in panicky circles and pushed, wincing as he realized exactly what it was that he was pushing against.

"Oh! You do love me, Trent!" Quinn wriggled blissfully and hugged him even tighter, a look of determined happiness on her face. "Oh yes, Trent! Anything you want! Let's go somewhere. We'll never ever be apart!"

"But... what are you, twelve? Trent tried to shake her off again, but it didn't work. "Let go of me! Monique is gonna cut it off if she sees you doing this!"

A newcomer stepped into the Morgendorffer yard. "Um, sorry dude, I think this might be my fault."

Trent had already surmised that his former band mate had something to do with his problems. "Cupid! I'll kill you, you fat-a**ed prick! This is all your fault!" Trent kicked angrily at the cherub, but was hampered by the girl hanging blissfully around his neck like a millstone.

Cupid dodged smoothly. "Hey, dude, sorry about that but there's no need to get like, physical. It's just that no one ever ducked my arrow like that before." He pointed with his chin at Jake, in the house arguing with Helen. "He's really quick." The cherub cleared his throat, a pained expression on his face. "Quinn was standing just in the wrong place and got hit. You were the first guy she saw."

"This is a disaster!" Trent squirmed under the terrible constricting pressure as Quinn wrapped her legs around him too.

"Nah. If she had seen Jake first, now that would be a disaster." Cupid smiled benevolently at them. "She's fairly cute, as humans go. She totally loves you. What's your problem, anyway?"

"Problem? I've got a horny little girl licking me on the neck! What the hell do you think my problem is? Do something, before someone sees and I end up with in the child molester's wing!" Trent winced and intercepted Quinn's exploring hand reaching for his zipper.

"Oh. Yeah, okay." He poked Trent with an arrow. "There, that ought to fix everything. There isn't any cure for my arrows and it wouldn't be fair to just leave her."

"You... You dirty, slimy, filthy, rotten son of a b*tch bast*rd." Trent stood stock still, fists clenched, absolutely shocked at the depth of the betrayal. "You know what will happen to me if I touch her?"

Cupid shrugged, somewhat offended. "You mortals are just weird." He faded away.

Helen looked out of the door and gasped. "Trent Lane! What the hell are you doing to my daughter! Jake! Get out here! Oh, my god! Quinn! You stop that and let go of him right this instant! Oh! OH! Stop that! You are grounded until you're twenty one, Young Lady!"

Jake finally got to the door. "What the hell? Quinn! Let go of that!"

Jake and Helen launched themselves at their apparently insane daughter.

Trent, standing rigidly, fists still clenched, waited until Jake and Helen had peeled Quinn off and then sprinted for freedom. "Gotta run, Quinn! I'll visit you in college, as soon as my ship docks!"

Jake, confused, threw a rock after him. "You leave my daughter alone!"

Quinn stomped on his instep, pulled free of her mother and shot after Trent like a bullet from a gun. "Wait! Take me with you!"

Trent burned rubber and he didn't even have a car.

Nemo Blank

"Kevin!" Coach Gibson barked, "What is best in life?"

Kevin answered automatically, reciting from memory. "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and score with their cheerleaders!"

WacoKid

As Daria admired her nearly bare butt in the full length mirror, she decided that her new string bikini had been a good idea after all.

Especially since it still kept anyone from telling that she was really a dude.

WacoKid

Laughing merrily the brunette skipped along the path to her house. She enjoyed today at school very much. She thinks back to how Mr. DeMartino had sat down with Kevin Thompson over that wonderful philosophical debate on the repercussions of World War II, but then Mr. O'Neill ruined it all by busting in and yelling at Mr. DeMartino for keeping his students late again. Ms. Li walked in to try and bring it to a peaceful solution. Ms. Li always put the education of the students first and foremost in all that she did. It's good that she got Ms. Barch to quit giving the cute boys all A's for no other reason then they're cute. As she entered her house she called out, "Hey mommy, I'm home! Today was great! How are you?"

Helen walked out from the kitchen in her 1950's dress with a sing-song voice she answered, "I'm good Daria, and how are you today? It's great that school was good."

Angelboy

"Daria, I think we should see other people."

Daria just blinked. "What?"

"It not that I've stopped caring about you. It's just that I think I still need to grow as a person, and being with you isn't allowing me to grow the way I could."

"I .. I don't understand. You ... you're dumping me?" She tried to fight back the urge to cry.

"I didn't want to say this, I'd hoped we could leave on good terms, but you're not leaving me any choice."

"What are you talking about?"

"Daria, you're holding me back. You're just so damn clingy and needy that you're suffocating me. I can't live with you around."

"God, how can you be so selfish?"

"I told you I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. Maybe after we've both had some space, we can try again, but for now, I need to focus on what I need. Goodbye, Daria."

As the door closed, Daria broke down completely, falling to her knees and wailing.

"Noooooooo! Come back!"

She beat her fists against the carpet.

"Come back, Jane!"

WacoKid

As Tiffany struggled in vain against her restraints, Trent calmly whetted his kama, an occasional spark jumping off the rough metal to land on his kabuto helmet or the layer of clown-white covering his face.

And he sang, in a deep, throaty baritone, his ritual chant, his ballad of pain and beauty...

"Fall, fall, fall to the bottom of hell...Pool of blood, sea of fire, and needle mountains..."

Ranchoth

So he then threw the burning tires around each of the present Morgendorffers. "Sorry everyone, but It's all I could think of, I was desperate....nah....Later suckers!" Trent laughed heartily as he walked off into the Morgendorffer house and made off with any valuable he could carry. "Thanks, man!" Cupid replied, "No problemo, dude!" as they split the bounty between them.

A.J.

Upchuck screamed as his chest expanded and the baby alien burst forth and scampered out of the mess hall.

Daria stared as his body slumped back in the seat and his sightless eyes stared at the ceiling, and knew that from now until the time the creature tore her life screaming from her body, that she would forever cherish this moment.

Deceleraptor

"We thought it was time you knew the truth," Jane told Daria, who was sitting on the bed and staring at Trent, who had just walked in the door.

"That Trent's insane?" Daria asked.

"Daria," Jane shook her head, "I assure you that this is real."

"Uh, huh. Is that why he's dressed like a Harry Potter reject?"

Scowling, Trent glanced down at himself. He was dressing in a blue tunic with a golden sash tied around his waist. On the tunic was a design in a lighter blue that seemed to Daria to resemble the outline of an angel. His legs and feet were covered by a pair of black tights that merged seamlessly with the black shoes. A large golden medallion rested at Trent's throat, holding closed the cloak he wore. It was red and reached his ankles. Gold gold trim lined it, with black interwoven in a seemingly random pattern. The collar of the cloak rose as if strongly starched. It was solid until it reached ear level, then only the ends continued, giving the impression of horns. His hands were covered in what seemed to be golden gloves that swirled with energy.

"There is nothing wrong with my outfit," Trent said, scowling at Daria. "It fits my position."

"Which is what, again?"

Rolling her eyes, Jane said, "Daria, we're trying to tell you. Trent is the protector of this dimension." With a sweep of her hand toward her brother, Jane announced, "Trent Lane is the Master of the Mystic Arts!"

Ranger Thorne

Daria dried her tears. "If I can't have you, no one can," she promised as she slammed the magazine into the butt of her .45 auto Glock 21 and loaded the first round.

Jackiedobson

(Scissors runs out of frame)

Daria: (putting down the paint ball gun) Thank God. I thought he'd never shut up.

Jane: I'll say. Now if we could just put a stop to these threads.

Daria: You know my motto, Lane--be prepared. (She takes a .44 magnum automag identical to the one Clint Eastwood used in Sudden Impact from her jacket pocket, slaps a clip into it, and chambers a round.)

Jane: (nodding appreciatively) Not bad, amiga, not bad. Now if it were only legal to hunt them.

(dolly back to show Daria and Jane in a forest)

Daria: Never underestimate the power of cartoon narrative to trump physical reality, Lane. (She walks over to a tree; there's a handbill on it with a picture of Elmer Fudd reading "Elmer Season" Daria grabs a corner of it and tears it away to reveal a handbill with numerous small photos on it reading "PPMB and SFMB poster season") It's a counterfeit, of course, but I don't think anybody's going to miss these jokers.

Jane: Impressive! Where'd you get the photos?

Daria: The Austrialian, of course.

(Cut to a tombstone reading "RIP Deref--One who photographed Daria fans not wisely, but well")

Jane: (sarcastic) Alas, poor Deref! I knew him, Daria.

Daria: As if you could avoid it.

Jane: (Imitating Tiffany) Shipping me with Quinn is just soooo wrong. (Normal voice) So what heat am I packing? (Daria produces a modern crossbow. Jane is obviously disappointed) A crossbow? Why do you get the weapon that links you to the ur proto-action/adventure movie hero?

Daria: Excuse me? Wouldn't that be a samaurai sword?

Jane: (looking at the crossbow and frowning) Good point.

Daria: Besides, look at the arrows and the handle. There's an HD camera mounted on each arrow that transmits back to the bow. Just slap a video cartridge in the bow, and you're documenting the lastest in performance art.

Jane: (admiringly) You do think of everything, don't you?

Daria: (blushes, says nothing)

Jane: Well, let's get the show on the road. (beat) But what are we going to do once we wipe out our fan base?

(beat. Then:)

Daria and Jane: Glenn Eichler.

Daria: I wonder if he's got that pool yet...

Jane: (chuckling) Mr. Freling, I'm ready for my close up....

Scissors MacGillicutty

I'm doomed.
Chopped liver.
I'm toast.
Chopped liver on toast.

SteveBlumDeckler

"Damn it Jane - you can't shut me out forever! I may have been completely out of line, but it's not exactly a fault! It's who I am! I can't deny my nature because of you!"

"That may be!" Jane yelled back through the closed door, "but damn it Trent - did you have to come out of the proverbial closet onto my boyfriend! My life is ruined now!" and she returned to crying.

Bacner

Jane sat beside her bed in a frilly pink dress working on a paint by number kit her grandmother had so kindly given to her as a gift last Christmas. Smiling she kept painting the pretty bunnies and squirrels on the prepared paper. Her older brother Trent knocked on the door and after she had said to come in, entered. "Hello Janey, how are you?" Trent asked pleasantly.

Jane smiled and rinsed out her paintbrush while responding, "I'm doing great Trent, and yourself?"

Trent chuckled slightly, "I just got hired by the church to play at the social this weekend, isn't that great?"

Jane hugged her brother while giggling, "That's wonderful Trent! I'll invite all my friends and we'll come and watch you till we have to leave before curfew. I'm sure Daria would love to see you there."

Trent smiled and started leading his sister downstairs, "That's great Janey. Let's go tell mom, she asked me to tell you dinner was done, and the roast smells delicious."

Jane and Trent left the room turning off the lights and shutting the door behind them before walking downstairs chatting softly.

Angelboy

After wasting AiH, the Bug Guy, and Renfield, Daria races past the three she can't recognize since she hasn't got their photos and sets up her anti-spaceship battery to catch BG as he takes off.

Jane stops and squints suspiciously at the three. "And who are you?"

"Uh, we're here for the 'Family Guy' mini-con," says TAG, thinking quickly.

"Yeah!" agreed Scissors, "Who're you?"

"That wasn't Meg that just ran by, was it?" asked Decelaraptor.

"Yeah, you better not be Daria fictors," she growled.

"Oh, heavens no," said TAG, "that would be a violation of copywrite law." Scissors and Decelaraptor nodded in agreement.

Jane grunted and went to help Daria set up the device, while the three bid a sad, but grateful, farwell to dear Brother Grimace and waited for the pretty fireworks.

Deceleraptor

Note ; AiH is Daria fan Angelinhel, TAG is The Angst Guy, The Bug Guy is better known as Richard Lobinske

Selling the Soul

“Full house. Read ‘em and weep.” Upchuck grinned hungrily as he spread out his hand.

Daria looked at her pair of eights and sighed. This was going to be ugly. She had spent weeks angling to get in this game, to take a little mosquito bite from the big dogs, but her usual luck had held. “I- can’t cover that marker right now. Will you wait?”

The small talk around the table stopped, the players giving her hostile glares. High stakes meant high stakes.

Upchuck’s expression went blank. “The game is for cash, Daria. How much are you short?”

Daria swallowed. How had this horrible genetic weakness ever managed to sneak up and grab her by the throat? She was Jake Morgandorffer’s daughter, all right. Every member of her father’s family as far back as the 1880’s had been a degenerate gambler. Daria felt dread spike in her stomach as she realized that she was no exception.

“Seventy-five hundred. I can get it to you by next month, though. I’ll have to re-mortgage my house.” Daria was afraid of Upchuck now. She knew that he was high up in organized crime and he had a presence now, an aura that fairly screamed, 'don't play games with me.'

“No can do, Sweets.” His eyes narrowed at the other two players and they hurriedly left. Waving over one of his more servile goons to pour Daria another Hashi Bashi, he smiled knowingly. “But hey, I’m not an unreasonable man. Come over and see me at my club tomorrow night and we’ll talk about ways for you to work it off.”

“Oh, God.” Daria took a deep breath, frowning at the bitter Campari in the too-strong drink, knowing that she didn’t have any choice. Upchuck could crush her small flower shop and flush her life away just like an elephant crushing an egg. If she didn’t comply, she would lose everything that she had managed to build since the college debacle. “Oh, God. Now I’m a whore.”

“Don’t fret, Daria.” His smile briefly died. “We’re all whores when we have to be. But I have something a little less… physical than that in mind for you.” He gestured at the pot, contemptuously. “That’s chicken feed, to me. Nothing. I made fifty times that while I was taking a piss this morning.”

Daria swallowed. He was obliquely admitting his capo status. “Then… why are you in such a hurry to get it off of me?”

He grinned. “I don’t want the money. I want you, Daria.”

Daria’s mouth was as dry as dust. It took her a few tries to get her vocal cords to work. “But… why me? I mean, I’m flattered and all, but…” Daria’s eyes widened with realization. “Oh, I get it! This is some big fantasy thing for you. Screw all the girls you wanted in high school.”

Upchuck laughed. “Well, maybe it was a few years ago, but after divorcing Brittany I would almost rather be castrated than go through that part of hell again.”

Daria started ticking names off. “Andrea, Dawn, Jodie, Stacy, Jane, Brittany then Quinn and now I guess it’s my turn. But… why? Look at me, Charles. I know that can’t compete with the stable of women you have throwing themselves at you. Look, I’m pretty sure that Quinn actually loves you. Isn’t she enough trouble for anyone?”

Upchuck snorted, truly amused. “You have no idea, Daria. Quinn… I think that I’m going to have to marry that girl. Soon.”

Daria relaxed, fractionally. He wasn’t likely to have her sealed into an oil drum with sixty pounds of chain and dropped in blue water if he was going to marry Quinn. “Oh. Welcome to the family, then. But won’t it be a little risky, schlepping your sister in law? Quinn wouldn’t forgive you or me. Ever.”

“No, no. You misunderstand.” Upchuck raised his glass in a sort of toast and drank. “Delightful as you are, I don’t want you for your undeniably pleasant looks, Daria. I want you for your brain. I want that big beautiful high-powered brain, working for me.”

“I… I’m a florist, Charles.” Daria squeezed her fingernails into her palms, trying not to be flattered. Upchuck was a shark. Sharks wanted everything.

“You’re a successful business owner that started out with nothing five years ago after blowing your college money. You were living in a car. It takes brains and balls to get that far on your own in that short a time. Big brass balls.” He grinned at her. “You have them, Daria. Don’t try to deny it. You tried to scam me and I never saw you sweat a drop.”

Daria’s mouth was bone dry, so she gulped down the rest of her drink. “Okay, so what can I do for you?”

“Help me with a little problem.” He steepled his hands, frowning. “My problem is employee turnover. I need someone with a brain, to help me keep the simians in line.” He narrowed his eyes at her. “Someone with sense of honor, that’s not running around playing movie gangster in an Italian suit and f-ing up my business with their stupidity.” Upchuck had just liquidated a couple of problems and he needed a new underboss, but didn’t want someone that looked like an underboss. He fixed her with his eyes. “Someone that’s family.”

Daria looked down, not wanting to meet his hard eyes. “I never was good at dealing with people. You know that.”

Upchuck laughed. “I know about some of the things you pulled while you were clawing your way out of the gutter, Daria. You’re a natural born scammer, just like me. That’s all it takes.”

Daria looked up. “But… what about my business?”

Upchuck smiled. “Keep it, its perfect cover.” He pushed the money on the table over to her. “Here, this ought to take care of your expenses from that lawsuit and get you back on your feet. I’ll send one of my lawyers around to the plaintiff, to help explain things.”

Daria sat for a moment and then picked up the money. “What time should I come over tomorrow?”

Nemo Blank

Daria looked at herself in the mirror and saw nothing but an empty, soulless shell looking back at her.

How did I come to this? she asked herself. How did I get so low?

You know why, a voice deep down inside said accusingly. And you know you know why, so stop lying to yourself.

Daria couldn't keep her own gaze in the mirror. Shame wouldn't let her. The voice was right, she knew how she got this way.

She knew why.

And she knew who.

The memory of the first time it had happend flashed before her eyes.

"Daria, you'd look really hot with a navel ring."

And she'd done it. But it hadn't ended there. A whole series of events passed through her memory.

"Daria, you'd look really hot in that outfit."

"Daria, you'd look really hot with your hair died."

"Daria, you'd look really hot with a beer."

"Daria, you'd look really hot in a thong."

Daria, you'd look really hot with a tongue stud."

"Daria, you'd look really hot naked."

Daria, you'd look really hot with nipple rings."

"Daria, you'd look really hot as a cheerleader."

"Daria, you'd look really hot dancing in that club."

"Daria, you'd look really hot giving that record industry scout a lap dance."

"Daria, you'd look really hot doing coke."

"Daria, you'd look really hot doing it with Jane."

"Daria, you'd look really hot doing it with Jessie."

"Daria, you'd look really hot doing it with Spiral."

"Daria, you'd look really hot doing porno."

"Daria, you'd look really hot with a boob job."

"Daria, you'd look really hot doing some fetish films."

"Daria, you'd look pretty hot doing a Mexican donkey show."

"Daria, you'd look pretty hot being a drug mule."

"Daria, you'd look pretty hot taking this rap for me so I don't go to prison."

And never once in 15 years had she been able to say no.

Damn that Trent, she thought.

And damn me to, she added, looking at herself in the mirror again.

WacoKid

(Scene, an old building dedicated to some Greek god. Quinn is alone with the three Js, and she's getting annoyed)

Quinn: "Alright! But just this once, and then we'll never speak of it again."

Joey: "Sure!"

Jeffy: "Okie!"

Jamie: "Oh boy!"

Quinn: *Sighs and looks at the giant statue at the end of the room* At least Aphrodite here would approve.

Jeffy: Did anyone ever tell you you're the most goregous in the world?

(The statue's eyes turn yellow, no one notices)

Joey: I think you're the hottest!

(The ststue's eyes turn green, no one notices)

Jamie: I just think you're beautiful.

(The statue's eyes turn blood red, still, no one notices)

*Steamy yet PG-rated sex montage of Quinn in a foursome*

Quinn: You're right, I'M SOOOOOO pretty!

(The statue's eyes turn white, and suddenly, lightning can be heard outside.)

Quinn: Dammit! I have to get home before it rains. Bye! Don't tell anyone!

(Quinn runs out into the storm, Upchuck can be seen through a window with a digital camera. --Scene: The Morgendorffer house, EXT. Evening turns to night, night turns to morning with traditional sunrise music.)

Quinn: AAAAAUUUUGGGGGGHHHH!! My hair!!

(Helen, Jake, and Daria can be heard screaming after, but only for a few seconds, then silence)

Reese Kaine

Andrea: In A.D. 2101, war was beginning.

*explosions rock the ship*

Daria: What happen?

Jane: Somebody set up us the bomb.

Jodie: We get signal.

Daria: What?!

Jodie: Main screen turn on.

Daria: It's you!!

Upchuck: How are you ladies?
All your base are belong to us.
You are on the way to destruction.

Daria: What you say?!

Upchuck: You have no chance to survive make your time.
Rrrrrrr Feisty!! Ha Ha Ha Ha

Jodie: Captain...

Daria: Take off every 'Zig'!!

You know what you doing.

Move 'Zig'.

For great justice.

Angelboy

(Scene: LHS, between classes. Kevin and Mack are getting stuff from their lockers)

Kevin: "Are you psyched up for the big game tonight, Mack Daddy?"

Mack: "Oh, THAT'S IT!!"

(Mack slams his locker door into Kevin's face, knocking him back, and then charges into him with a football tackle, slaming him into a wall)

(Mack crouches and lets loose with devastating uppercut, sending Kevin through the roof and backdown again)

(Jane then pops up and yells "TOAS-TEEEEE!!!")

(Mack tosses an extension cord at Kevin, wrapping around his neck, yelling "GET OVER HERE!!!", and flattens Kevin with a roundhouse kick.)

(Ms. Li's voice can then be heard over the PA speakers, yelling "FINISH HIM!!!")

(The lights dim a tad, and an omnimous chime........chimes. Mack grabs Kevin's head, rips it off with its spinal cord dangling, shoves it back down his neck head-first, grabs a beer, belches at Kevin hard enough to make him fall over, and finally urinates on his corpse.)

"MACK DADDY WINS"

"FLAWLESS VICTORY"

"FATALITY"

"HUMILIALITY"

"PISSALITY"

Mack: *Pointing at the camera* "Don't call me that, I'll kill you too!!"

Reese Kaine

The lights go down and Jane is illuminated on stage.

Jane: Hello, everyone! Thanks for coming! Your opening performance will be by Bad Luck!

The audience groans in dismay. Jane: Now now! Since you are here, please try our song! You might really like it. Now this is a completely new song!

Ms. Li from Audience: Now aren't you a big shot?

D: She seems a BIT like Trent doesn't she?

Helen: Do you think?

D: SHE seems intriguing.

Stacy watches from backstage.

Stacy: Please do your best.

Jane: Alright! Let's go! Today's first song is Rage Beat!

Jodie moves to start playing the song but realizes Jane isn't paying attention.

Jodie: Hey, what's wrong?

When she follows Jane's gaze she sees Daria in the back of the audience.

Jodie: Her?

Jane: (to herself) Liar... why are you here?

The crowd is beginning to get really riled up.

Andrea: Give us HARPIES! What's going on?

Stacy: Lane!

D: What's wrong with her?

Helen: Perhaps...

Max: What a silly girl!

Andrea: GIVE US HARPIES!!!

Trent stands up.

D: Trent...

Nick: I want a refund!

Jane: I...

Stacy: It's all over now!

Trent:
By some miracle we met fortuitously
Even now, wherever the light can't shine through
We shall paint a brilliant dancing dream
So that the words that guide you do not fail
Don't fear the time of change

It's Trent singing as he makes his way through the crowd to the stage.

Wherever the light can't shine through
We shall paint a brilliant dancing dream

Trent climbs onstage.

So that the words that guide you do not fail
Don't fear the time of change.

Jane: Trent... Lane? For real?

Trent loses his mind at this point.

Trent: YAHOO! This is Trent! Thank you for listening!

The audience starts screaming.

Trent: If it's okay, I want you to listen to Janey's song as well. She was a bit flustered before but she seems fine now. (to Jane) Ready?

Jane stares at him for a moment then smiles.

Jane: JODIE!

Jodie starts jamming and Jane finally breaks free of her stage fright.

Something frightening attracts my gaze
An irritating desire spit out by the wanton wind
In a widening crack on the road
The lights of signals melt
Leaving only a scar
Before that dozing noise erases tomorrow
My footsteps echo as I pursue my ambition.
I will not stop for anything
Any unsatisfying emotion I will just ignore
And move beyond
Shivering, shyly, I took aim
For the gap in my world
Following it I arrived at a new place
I want new world.
My guilty feelings combine to form
The tears that carve into the main streets
Distorting the sound of my footsteps even now
I will not stop for anything

Trent joins Jane in singing.

Any unsatisfying emotion I will just ignore
And move beyond
Shivering, shyly, I took aim
For the gap in my world
Following it I arrived at a new place
I want new world

Daria smirks slightly and backstage Quinn finally realizes who is singing with Jane.

Sandi: It's HIM!!

While Daria was was watching Helen had snuck up on her.

Helen: I didn't expect to see you here, Daria.

Daria: It's nothing really. I just changed my mind.

Daria leaves but not without a final glance at the stage where Jane and Trent are standing together.

Angelboy

Daria wakes up with a heavy sigh, "Golly it's too early in the morning for this... wait... did I just say golly?" Sitting up in the bed she looked down at her outfit that had changed from her normal green jacket to a deep green overalls. Her normal boots are missing to show that her feet are now that of a mouse's. Letting out a shriek she turns to see Upchuck buzzing around as a fly, Trent with a red nose, in a Hawaiian shirt, furred pants and chipmunk feet, Ted wearing a fedora and bomber jacket with the same pants and shoes as Trent, and finally Jesse in a large trench coat, bomber goggles, and mouse feet shoes.

After a moment Daria blinks and then laid back down. "This is a dream... this has to be a dream... yes it must be a dream brought on by Quinn watching Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers all night again... I'm just going to wake up now... Golly... it's not working..."

After a few more minutes the guys all leave dragging Upchuck with them. Once they're outside of the door, Ted leans against the door and wonders aloud, "Guys when should we tell her that the new author Angelboy is using us?"

Upchuck sighs and buzzes out, "When do you want to stop breathing?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile in another city far away a guy looks up from the keyboard he's typing at and pushes up his glasses. "Yeah, after you, she will then come after me... maybe I should have Jane as Foxglove... another time..." Angelboy then goes back to watching Magical Girl Pretty Sammy.

Angelboy

"Look, when we got drunk and slept together, we agreed it was a serious mistake and to just be friends. But...but...Oh God, I don't know how to say this...there have consequences...serious consequences."

"What are you trying to say?"

"Look, I took a test a few weeks ago..it tested positive. I took another test and that tested positive. Then I went to the doctor and he comfirmed it. I'm...I'm pregnant, Daria" Trent hands protectively cradled his stomach.

Ms. Kinnikufan

Then I went to the doctor and he confirmed it. I'm...I'm pregnant, Daria" DeMartino's hands protectively cradled his stomach.

Angelboy

Daria, Jane, and Trent find themselves standing in front of a dozen clones of each of them. "What to do?" Daria thought out loud as she looked at .........herself. A minute passes (But seems like an eternity) before Jane suddenly comes up with an idea.

"You know, I've always wanted to be a musician." Jane said to herself.

"I wouldn't mind being a brain." Trent said to himself.

"Actually, why not be an artist too?" Daria said to the Lanes. She continued "But why say when we can simply consume ourselves just to possess each other's powers?"

The trio grinned from ear to ear as the gruesome cannibalistic orgy begun in the pursuit of becoming superbrains.

Reese Kaine

DOROTHY: But what would you do with a brain if you had one?

SCARECROW: Mostly sit around and watch Sick, Sad World, maybe eat some pizza...

Hierargo

"Then we went to the doctor and he confirmed it. We...we're pregnant, Daria." As one...Joey, Jeffy, and Jameson cradled their collective stomachs. Daria had to admit, Jeffy looked particularly suave in a blue "Baby On Board" tee shirt.

It was a beautiful moment. That is, until Quinn went and spoiled it.

"You. You. WHORE!" she snarled at Daria. "I demand a DNA test!"

"But, Quinn!" simpered Joey, "there's no reason to be mad! There will always be a place for you in our babies' lives!"

Quinn looked at Joey, her face the color of a radish. "Don't even talk to me, you tramp! You're just as bad as she is!"

Quinn stomped up the stairs, sobbing.

Daria watched her go, her face a blank mask...but inside she was practically giddy with delight. No one would know, until it was too late, that this was just a step in her latest plan to gain access to healthy stem cells. Some may have thought Stem Cell Research was cruel and inhuman. but darn it, she had a credit card bill to pay.

...and the Moldavian black market always paid so very well.

Brandon League

Daria (as Dorothy) - Hi, I'm Daria, from Lawndale, and I'd like...

Jake (as the wizard) - SILENCE! I already know what you want! You, Daria, wish to go back home to Lawndale.

Daria - Actually, I'd like to go back to Highland.

Jake - Highland? Are you completely bonkers?

Daria - After three years in Lawndale, that's a distinct possibility.

Jake - And you, scarecrow, wish to have a brain.

Kevin (as scarecrow) - Nah, that's not it...oh, wait, yes it is...I think...at least I THINK I think...ya think?

Jake - And tinman, you want a heart.

Tom (as tinman) - Yeah, whatever. I've gotten along fine without one so far.

Jake - And you, lion, want courage.

Upchuck (as lion) - Actually, I'm looking for the tip of my tail. Don't have the slightest idea where I lost it. Courage would be nice too, but if I could just find the tip of...

Jake - SILENCE! I will grant your requests, but only if you bring me the broomstick of the wicked Barch of the west.

Daria - Oh dear, I heard she keeps a bunch of flying DeMartinos. Wait, did I just say oh dear? Who's writing this crap?

Ms. Li (as Oz doorman) - That's enough of that, missy. No breaking the fourth wall in the wizard's presence.

Tom - So, you're saying you'll grant our requests if we fight off the flying DeMartinos, defeat the wicked Barch of the west, and bring you back the broomstick? I'll get a heart?

Kevin - And a...um...what was that thing called again? A brain?

Upchuck - And the tip of my tail? Oh, and courage?

Jake - You'll get all of that, and Daria will go to...

Daria - Anyplace but Lawndale.

All exit

Daria - So, we fight off the flying DeMartinos...

Tom - ...defeat the wicked Barch of the west...

Kevin - ...and, um, bring back the popsickle stick?

Daria - Close enough.

Upchuck - It's sad, the things I'll do for a piece of tail.

atimnie

Jane, Jodie, and Quinn walks onto the stage, and Jane notices that Daria and Mack are there in the back, by the doors.

Jane: Let's start. It's okay... let's start.

Jodie doesn't look like she believes her about the okay part.

Jodie: Quinn.

Quinn starts playing on the synthesizer with Jodie on the Bass Guitar and Jane begins to sing while maintaining a silent monologue.

Jane: It's okay like this. Like this. Mack is Daria's fiancee. She is different from me. Unlike me. But, something must be...'

She remembers Amy's words.

Amy V.O.: Didn't you fall for my niece when you first saw her despite her being a girl? You aren't the only one who has fallen for my niece unexpectedly. You and Mack are much the same.

Jane: The same... That's right. There is no difference about loving Daria more than anyone else. Daria is... Daria is...

Jane suddenly shouts out her inner thoughts in the middle of the song.

Jane: DARIA IS MINE!!!

Everything screeches to a grinding halt. Jane whispers as though to herself even though she's standing in front of a mic projecting her words out to the silent audience as Jodie and Quinn play a soft melody in the background.

Jane: I realize it now... I love Daria as much as I love singing... I don't want to lose this feeling anymore, to anyone...

Daria smirks slightly leaning against the back wall looking drop dead stoic.

Daria: Yours, am I?

Mack stares at her in surprise.

Daria: She is the worst...

The music picks back up to the jamming tracks they normally play while backstage D looks downright evil with his bulging eye.

D: MisSION acCOMPlished.

Stacy: Eh? Yyyou mean this was all...

D smirks while posing heroically "VICtory"

Angelboy

"NOOOOOO! AUNT AMY, DON'T LET GOOOOOO!" shrieked Daria as the current ripped her from her aunt's desperate fingers. All Amy could do was watch in helpless horror as the current drug Daria inexorably toward the vortex in the middle.

Daria circled the vortex once, then was pulled beneath the surface toward the drain. As her head was pulled under the thick, brown liquid she was able to find one silver lining: She could no longer hear those damned, self-righteous Oompa-Loompas.

Deceleraptor

"C'meer, baby," Jake slurred drunkenly as he pulled her in close, groping her boobs and butt while slobbering on her face in an attempt at a French kiss.

"DAD! Get off of me!" Daria shreaked as she pushed her father away. Then, more calmly as she turned him around, "Jane is over there by the couch."

"Thanks, kiddo!"

WacoKid

Oh, no! Zombies are invading Lawndale High!

ZOMBIES: Brain! Brain! Brain!

BRITTANY: Don't hurt me! Daria's a brain!

DARIA: Aw, hell.

The zombies take one good look at Daria.

ZOMBIE #1: (to Brittany) Stupid bimbo. We look for lab mouse whose sidekick is Pinky. He owes us money.

Exit the zombies.

Hierargo

It took her a long time to find out, but evantually Daria learned that shoving fireworks into Frogs orifices were the solutions to all life's problems.

Yes, Beavis and Butthead had taught her well.

Ms. Kinnikufan

It took her a long time to figure out, but she finally learned. Giving your out of date clothes to the needed wasn't just a good feeling, but also a tax write off.

"Thank you, Ms. Morgendorrfer." Said Diane Bennett with a blissful smile as she walked past wearing Daria's old yellow jacket while guiding Mr DeMartino in Daria's old orange skirt and boots. Finally Mr. O'Neill walked out with Janet wearing an old Ankh while Janet sported a new black t-shirt.

Smirking Daria counted the money that she sold the old stuff to the teachers for, "No. Thank you... Quinn..." Yes, Daria had learned well, as Quinn's clothes waited to be sold in tomorrow's yard sale.

Angelboy

As the dracolich's wings blocked-out the sun, Daria serenely reflected that she hated being stuck in cross-overs and then run like a scalded chicken for the hills.

Bacner

(Daria and Jane are walking towards Brittany's house for a party)

Jane: You know, just because people are cliqey and snotty is no reason not to like them.......

Daria: Or hate them.

Jane: Chin up, nose up, let's go.

(They knock on the door, Brittany answers, she has a unique look on her face)

Brittany: Hey Brainie, c'mon in......who the f*** is this?

Daria: That's Jane, she's here to help with art.

Brittany: Don't I have you for.......'eh f*** it. Come on in.

(They do, and notice somewhere around fifty to seventy-five people all lounging around the house, smoking pot. Brittany gives Daria and Jane an Easter basket full of joints)

Brittany: Here, toke up.

(Scene: Brittany's bedroom, an hour later. Daria and Jane are stoned out of their minds along with a dozen others.)

Daria: What if we were all part.....of some sh*tty cartoon on MTV?

Jane: BAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHHA*Cough-cough-COUGH**Giggles* You're trippin', Dar! *Giggles* So who's playin' ya?

Daria: I dunno, some blonde?

(Everyone in the room busts a gut, laughing. Suddenly, there's a loud noise downstairs)

Voices: POLICE! MOVE, AND YOU'RE DEAD!!

Reese Kaine

"Jane! Jane! You've got to come see this!" Daria yelled as she ran down the upstairs hall of the Lane house and into Jane's bedroom.

"Jane! Come look! You won't believe the size of the dump I just took!"

It was then that Daria noticed Trent was standing in the room.

WacoKid

Walking into wardobe and finding out it had no back, or more accurately that it opened into a wintry forest covered in a blanket of snow, had been weird, Daria thought. And seeing a lit lamppost standing in the middle of said forest had been downright freaky.

The beaver hadn't bothered her much until she realized that a) it was twice the size of a normal beaver and b) they were nowhere near a river of any kind. But when the damn thing starting talking to her, that's when Daria swore she'd kill Jane for talking her into dropping acid.

Dennis

Quinn, Jane, Upchuck, Kevin, Brittany, Sandi, Stacy, Tiffany, Trent, Jesse, and a very reluctant Daria are sitting around in a circle playing Truth or Dare. Daria sighs and looks around, "Alright, since I got duct taped into my seat... I'll go first, Upchuck, Truth or Dare?"

Upchuck smiles and leans in, "I'm feeling risky my sweet. Dare me."

Daria sighs, "Fine, I dare you to stop being sleazy."

Upchuck stared at Daria for a minute before his head exploded.

In the echoing silence that followed everyone stared at was once Upchucks head. Daria and Jane smirked. "Wow, was that all it took?" Jane mused.

Angelboy

Daria finally had to admit it was worth the embarassment of having Trent and the guys admire her poo, when she saw how great the Spiral's "Turd of the Millenium" trophy looked on her family's mantel. Mom was going to be so proud when she got back from the airport with Rita and Erin!

Deceleraptor

"The No Scenes No Daria Fanfic should ever have" really got out of hand when Glenn Eichler, Susie Lynn Lewis, Anne D. Bernstein, among with other animators and writers, stomred upon The PPMB with eggbeaters, torches, and many, many guns...

Ms. Kinnikufan

After a single phone call, Chris Smith summoned the legendary and infamous Slaughterhouse couple of Reese & Sally Kaine, along with the Right-Handfull Trio, weapons at the ready. Reese grabs a megaphone and yells "IT'S OUR FORUM, BEE-YOTCH!"

Reese Kaine

"This is the first time I've ever eaten a woman," Tom said, "They're rather good."

"Yeah," Jane replied, "They really are."

WacoKid

"Yeah, who knew that Ms. Barch only needed a little salt and pepper after cooking to taste good?" Chimed in Daria, "Pass me some of the leg please."

Angelboy

"Hey, Daria," Jane called to the trunk of Tom's car, "How ya doin' in there?"

"Let me out of here!" Daria demanded angrily. "I'm running out of air!"

"What's that?" Tom asked cheerfully. "You say you need some air?"

"Well, let's give her some," Jane said.

And with that, the two of them emptied their pistols into the trunk.

Jane giggled. "That was fun. Can we do Trent next?"

WacoKid

"Mmmmm" Jane purred, snuggled up between Tom and Mack,"Jodie was right."

"Yeah," Tom said, from between Jane and Jodie, "Double-stuffed Oreos really are the best."

WacoKid

"I'll get it," Mack said, putting on a robe as he got up from the bed to answer the door.

"I hope that's Quinn and Stacy," Jodie moaned as she stretched and then slid her hands down her body.

"Quinn and Stacy?" Jane asked, sitting up. "You mean ...?"

"Yep," Jodie purred.

"Mmmm," Tom said happily, "Quadruple-stuffed."

WacoKid

As Daria looked the angel of death in the face there was only one thing that she had to ask. "When do you want me to take over?"

Angelboy

As she lowered the microphone from her lips, Daria glanced over to make sure Trent had seen what had happened. "Well?" she asked.

"I guess they got it coming," he replied with a sad expression. Pressing the button on the control in his hand, he set off the explosives packed in the car. The blast flash-fried his sister and Tom instantly.

"I told you to stop sniffing those paint fumes," Daria commented to the flying body of her former best friend.

Ranger Thorne

"And now, Trent," Daria said turning to the brother of her now late best friend, "I have something to confess to you."

"Huh?"

"I'm not really Daria?:

"Huh?"

"You see, the real Daria really was in the trunk of that car we just blew up."

"But, if you're not Daria, then who have I been having sex with these past six months?"

With that, "Daria" pulled off her rubber face mask to reveil -

"UPCHUCK!?"

"Who loves ya, baby!" the redheaded boy in a skirt leared,

Trent screamed briefly before passing out.

"Mission accomplished, ladies," Charles said, speaking to a group of recent arivals.

"Excellent," Sandi purred.

The rest of the Fashion Club agreed.

WacoKid

Without warning, sniper fire from several angles laid low every person within view!

The camera pulled back from the grotesque view of the torn, cooling bodies, and the huge viewscreen on the football field blinked off. 'And that's how you take care of ALL of the problem children in the area!' Timothy O'Neill shouted from his podium. 'That's how we'll take care of all of the problem people in Lawndale, and then - the world!'

Thunderous applause greeted his words. 'We'll make Lawndale the pure, good, and nice place it was always meant to be! SO SAYETH THE SHEPARD!'

Ms. Li, the Parents Morgendorffer and Val were among the shrieking multitude that screamed in response 'SO SAYETH THE FLOCK!'

Waiting atop the huge silk-lined warm-water water bed installed in Ms. Li's former office, Janet Barch fingered the filmy edges of her tissue-thin scarlet negligee and sighed. 'Listening to him preach to the masses after he has people killed always makes me so... so aroused...'

Brother Grimace

Ten year old Daria is sitting on the couch with nine year old Quinn while Helen and Jake stand before them.

"Girls, your father and I have been talking and we've decided that with our busy lives it would be a good idea for you to have someone at home." Helen opened the conversation. "Now we looked all over and found you the best one. Here she is."

In walked a British looking lady in black knee-length coat, blue ankle length dress, pink scarf, white gloves and a black hat with a flower sticking out of it. As she set down her over-sized carpet bag and umbrella she looked around. After she's done she smiles and in a pleasant British accent says, "Good morning Morgendorffers, I am Mary Poppins. It is ever so nice to meet you. I hope that we will get along wonderfully."

Angelboy

"Anthony, does the good Mr. O'Neill approve of this sort of pornographic film?"

"APPROVE? HELL, he GAVE me this one!"

WacoKid

My actual follow up was going to be:

"But now, Charles, there's something we have to confess to you,"

"Oh dear," Upchuck grinned, "Whatever would you ladies have to confess? I hope it's ... naughty." He waggled his eyebrows at the last word.

"You see, Charles," Sandi continued, "We're not really the Fashion Club."

"What now?"

"Yes," Quinn said, "I'm afraid we've tricked you."

Upchuck now looked confused. "But, if you're not the Fashion Club, then whose toes have I been sniffing and suckling on these last six months?"

In perfect synchronisity, the four girls pulled off their masks to reveil ...

"Joey!? Jeffy?! Jerome?! KEVIN???!"

"It's Jamie!" the boy, still wearing Stacy's outfit whined.

"Hey," Kevin, still wearing Tiffany's dress, asked, "Can you still give me those foot rub things? They really help my feet after practice."

WacoKid

First it started off innocently enough.....

Circa 1997, some random visitors to the world wide webiverse: I think Daria and Trent should hook up!

They write a fic about it. They were the first 'shippers in Daria fandom.

Next came.....

No way are Daria and Trent made for each other! She'd never be able to love him, he's too lazy, too laid back, they'd tire of each other quickly.

They wrote a fic about it. They were the first anti-shippers. People who wanted Daria to hook up with anyone but Trent.

Then things started going haywire.....

Awww Ted's a cute kid, they make a nice couple, or Tom's the perfect guy for her.....

'Maters were born. When hit with one of these projectiles one was turned into a shipper or anti-shipper, or some such variant of which depending on the color of the 'mater.

Then came a message of the PPMB mark 1.0.....

Write a scene that in no way shape or form should ever be allowed in a Daria fanfic.....

All hell then broke loose, 'maters were only the beginning.....

Eggbeaters.

Every being in and around Lawndale wasn't safe, as the shippers had taken everyone and paired them with everyone imaginable.

Whips, chains, etc.

Everyone had been forced to participate against their will......

Penguins.

The limit had been reached. The apocalypse was at hand, worlds were colliding, real people interacting with fictional characters on the same plane of existance, multiple planes of existance together as one, it was all too much and thanks to the chaos involved a new form of flesh eating virus designed to rip away at your very heart and soul was born! And soon all life ceased to exist on Earth.

The End.

Submitted to Musings magazine on March 15, 2000, by Daria Marie Morgendorffer.

Rejected by Musings on March 18, 2000.

<2 days earlier>

Tom: I'm so glad you asked me to read this.

Daria: You are?

Tom: Yeah. It's great.

Daria: It's not muddled?

Tom: No, it's varied. It changes voices, it challenges the reader. Daria, I'm serious, this is really good.

Tom<thinking>: God, I'll do anything for a piece of tail won't I? This piece of crap won't even get opened at Musings, and if they're unlucky enough to read it, it will surely be rejected causing Daria to come to me in such abject and utter dismay she'll finally open up to me and become my willing sex slave!

<Tom cackles evilly>

Daria: What was that? Were you laughing? And when did you grew a handlebar mustache?

<Insert ominous music here>

A.J.

(view of shrubs and trees along side of road)

Daria: Stop staring at me, you squirrel pervert! I said, stop staring at me! Hey! Get back! Don't come any closer or I'll--oh...ohhh...ah...Ahhhhh--Ha hah ha...ouw....yeah, like that....

(X-FADE back to the Tank)

Jane: Well, it's been 10 minutes, but she did say not to send help.

Jesse: Maybe she didn't just have to pee?

Trent: That reminds me--you owe me a shirt, too.

Jane: (Grossed out) Argh! All right, I'll go look for her. But if I'm not back in 10 minutes, somebody damn well better come along to rescue me.

(POV: Jane advances on a grove where Daria was last seen entering and hears some murmurings that sound like her friend.)

Jane: Daria? Daria? Is that you? Are you OK?

(CUT TO: Shot of Jane entering pushing aside foilage to enter grove and gasping in horror. CUT TO: shot of Daria in her lingerie lying on the ground, undulating and cooing as the squirrel nibbles around her neck and ears. Suddenly she notices Jane and takes the squirrel by the scruff of its neck.)

Daria: (Whispering to the squirrel) Sorry to interrupt, darling. Why don't you dash up a tree and out of harms way for a few minutes? I have business to attend to. (She gets up and approaches Jane)

Jane: (unnerved) Was...was that what I thought it was?

Daria: (defiantly) Yes. That was Aldo, my lover.

Jane: (blinking her eyes in disbelief) Aldo?

Daria: Yes, Aldo.

Jane: (Furrowing her brow, trying to figure out how to break this to Daria) Daria. . . Aldo is--I mean, Aldo seems to be--

Daria: Jane, I know Aldo's a squirrel. You don't have to belabor the obvious.

Jane: (Trying to grasp the situation) But how could--I mean, a squirrel?

Daria: I understand why you're confused, Jane. Most people don't have to face the fact that at the right time and the right place, they're capable of (pauses dramatically) ANYTHING!

Jane: (swallowing) Daria...you need help. It's not...it's not--

Daria: (interrupting) It's not what? It's not natural for a woman to love a squirrel? That's what they said back in Highland before they chased us out of town. Stupid narrow-minded philistines! What did they know about love? At first, when I saw him here, I thought he was just another squirrel, but then (closes here eyes, a dreamy and erotic tone enters her voice) he touched me in that exact spot on my lower back, and I knew it was Aldo, come all this way, to be with me again. (opens her eyes, advances on Jane) And I'm not going to have the love of my life taken away from me again, especially not by some dull-witted suburban girl.

(CUT TO: a shot of Daria approaching Jane from behind. We see she's carrying a long stick sharpened to a deadly point behind her back.)

Jane: (pleading) Look, Daria...this isn't...it isn't nor--(Daria stabs her)--ARGH! (She sags against Daria, blood running from the sides of her mouth)

Daria: (in a harsh whisper) Not what, Jane? Not normal? Think back to the Greek myths--Leda and the Swan, hrm? And what about the Romans? Romulus and Remus, suckled by a wolf? You're right, Jane, it isn't normal--it's world-historical!

(Jane, with a great effort, has pushed herself up from Daria's shoulder and looks her in the eye, uncomprehending, as her life flows from her)

Jane: (Almost inaudible) How could you?

Daria: You'd understand if you'd ever loved anyone. (kisses her passionately and tenderly) Goodbye Jane. I could have loved you--and Trent.

(She pulls her make-shift blade from Jane and stands away to let her fall. WIPE TO: the interior of the Tank.)

Jesse: How 'bout we say it's even on the shirts we owe each other.

Trent: I dunno. Don't you, like, come out ahead if we do that?

(Beavis and Butthead appear at the open side door of the Tank.)

Butthead: Ummm...are you guys like going to that thing with the bands that everybody's going to?

Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Uh...heh heh! Bands...and chicks! I'm gonna score! I'm gonna score! I know it!

Butthead: (slaps him) Settle down Beavis! Am I gonna have to kick your ass again?

Trent: You mean Alternapalooza?

Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! With the chicks! (Butthead slaps him again)

Butthead: Uh...sure!

Trent: Climb on in.

(Beavis and Butthead climb into the Tank, giggling all the while)

Butthead: This'll be cool...heh heh..uh...heh heh...

Jesse: But what about Jane and Daria?

Trent: Did they owe us shirts?

Jesse: I can't remember. (beat) Where they here?

Trent: (Putting the van in gear) Can't remember. If they were, Janey can find her way home.

Butthead: (to Beavis) These guys are cool...huh huh...uh...huh huh....

(Fade to black)

Scissors MacGillicutty

A scene from 'Pride of the Morgendorffers';

(Daria is giving her graduation speech, putting her hand to her cap.)

DARIA: And that is why, ladies and gentlemen, that I stand here today as the happiest student in this whole high school.

LI: Thank you Ms. Morgendorffer. You will be sadly missed.

[Wild applause.]

Gregor Samsa

With one hand Daria worked the instruments, while the other sought out her special place. She licked her lips as she stared into the high-powered microscope. Nothing, but nothing, got her as horny as when she was vivisecting planeria.

Deceleraptor

Suddenly the fashion club burst into flames.
Daria laughed, but then she too bursted into flames.
Soon there was nothing left of Lawndale but ashes.

Ms. Kinnihufan

With the screams of women echoing through the Food Court at the Lawndale Mall, Andrew Landon, Timothy O'Neill, Jake Morgendorffer, Anthony DeMartino and Angier Sloane began their spectacular musical career as '2Gether', the newest boy band!

Brother Grimace

Unfortunately, like most boy bands, their careers were cut short by heroin, hookers, and gay rumors.

Ms. Kinnikufan

Fortunately when they went into a rap career it was aided by those rumors were proved true.

Angelboy

In 2000 a mediocre music group was sent to prison by a municipal court for a crime they didn't commit.

Show Trent with "Colonel Trent "Cannonball" Lane" superimposed over his picture playing guitar.

These men were promptly released from a minimum security prison to the Los Angelos underground.

Show Max setting up his drums which promptly fall on top of him, at his angered look show "Colonel "Howlin' Mad" Tyler".

Today, still unwanted by the government, they survive as musicians of fortune.

Show Jesse getting mobbed by girls. "Lieutenant Jesse "Face" Moreno" displays under the trampled Jesse's face.

If you have a party, if no one else will play, and if you can stomach them,

Show Nick hefting the amp only to set it down a second later panting. After cutting to a close up of his sweating face show "Sergeant Nick "T.C." Cambell".

maybe you can hire the M-Team.

Angelboy

"This is the last time I'll let you be the trail blazer, Jane," Daria grumbled, as she, aforementioned Jane, and Tom were walking... somewhere. Technically speaking, that 'somewhere' was somewhere in the neighborhood of Lawndale, but due to Jane's geographical acumen they were currently walking a very narrow path among some very hilly land. This land was unknown to all three teens and even it wasn't evening, which it was, it would still be a recipe for disaster...

"Daria - relax," said Jane with more confidence that what she really felt. "I'm positive that we'll make it before sunset, yes..."

"I think I discovered what is our problem," Daria said in a acidic monotone to Tom, seemingly ignoring Jane. "Her eagle gaze is set on the hilltops, where some light still lingers, and fails to see that here, in our immediate vicinity, is darkness already."

"I think that I also discovered what is our problem," Jane said, pushing Tom aside before he could reply. "It consists of some people that are too negative for their own good-"

"No, some people are too positive for their own good-"

"No," Jane said, "some people are realists."

"Where were we when they were around?"

"Now see here, missy-"

"Hey, Tom... Tom?"

It was at that moment both girls realized that Tom was too busy staring upwards at something. So, they followed his gaze upwards - and gaped.

They had acquired company, or more correctly - found it.

A half-lion, half-human being had appeared on a cliffy hill that effectively overshadowed the path. And it was obvious that this was the creature's regular haunt, as a great number of bleached skulls and other bones could testify.

"Tom!" Daria half-howled half-hissed while the other girl wilted visibly, as they and Tom saw that they had almost walked into the creature's cave, and it looked most uninvited, even with the creature being outside of it. "Do something!"

"Me? Why me?" Tom groaned.

"Because it's a manly duty dealing with monsters!"

"Monsters?"

"Yes. That is a sphinx. It is a monster. Deal with it!"

"Very well," Tom said, regretting for the first time that he was an atheist and that he had no god to pray to. "I'll try." Looking much more confident than how he felt, Tom ventured forth. "So," he said, "is that really you, after all those centuries? Do you still demand an answer to your riddle? Well then, we're ready! Ask!"

The sphinx - for it was she - didn't move, still staring at the still-darkening sky. Only her twitching lion's tail told the teens that it wasn't a statue. p>"Very well," she said, in a rather melodious voice. "I'll ask you the same riddle that I have asked the son of Laius, oh ye, who came via the valley! Who of us is the mystery? I, the sphinx, or you? Maybe, in the night's shadows, your dreams can't let you see true? If I am alive and hale how hale can you be, for I must strike you down to truly be free! But mishap's, I'm just a poet's incarnation of daydream? If your answer is true, then greater truth will gleam! And in reality remain naught but the cliff and the bones? So tell me, who's imagining whom among those stones?"

As she spoke - and as the teens' faces fell - she shifted. No longer looking at the sky, now she looked at the teens, looking very, very serious with eyes that looked like a pair of stars themselves.

For their part, both Tom and Daria froze. Jane, not being a mythology buff, was already pretty immobile herself, upon realizing that the sphinx could talk and apparently think like a human being. And all around them the night grew stronger and darker, and soon nothing could be seen but the mouth of the sphinx's cave and it seemingly had 'consumed' the path - there was no way out.

"I think," Tom said in his most wretched tone of voice to Daria who appeared to be ready to faint, "that we're in trouble."

Bacner

As Daria stood in her frilly little outfit, complete with cute little skirt that blew in the wind and the handbag where her digital recorder and camera were kept, she thought wryly of the happy times before she became the Official Sidekick to the Travelocity Gnome.

Brother Grimace

With something that was like a gentle sigh, Jane died.

And so Daria arranged the martini party, and she dressed up Jane in in her pajamas, a smoking jacket and pipe, and put her in a chair so that photographs could be taken with her.

When everyone was good and drunk, Jane's body was thrown into a huge bonfire. Some roasted marshmellows.

After the fire was burned out, Jane's head was severed and mounted in Daria's apartment.

Looking at his sister skull, Trent remarked "Jane sure left odd funeral instructions.

Giving Jane's skull a polish, Daria replied "Yes she did, Trent. Yes she did."

Ms. Kinnikufan

Tom: Whose skull is that, Daria?

Daria: The last man who did me wrong.

Angelboy

Sandi found it impossible to hide her grief and shame the next day, as she was drummed out of the Fashion Club and replaced as president by Barney Gumble.

"Oh, Quinn. This was such a good idea! Maybe you should be Fashion Club president instead of I. *BRRRAAAAAAP!*"

"Oh, Barney, don't be silly!"

Deceleraptor

<,tiffany>
That's soooooo wroooooong!
</tiffany>

<homer>
Why won't they let me in their crappy, crappy club? I'm as gross as Barney!
</homer>

Dennis

Steve Irwin appears on camera with an extreme close up. "G'day mates, today we're in the wilds of suburbia to hunt down a very dangerous critter, The North American Cynic, and there is a rumor that we can find two of them in this place." Camera pans to show Pizza King. "So we're going to watch and plan until we can capture the critters to study them in captivity more."

The camera pans back to Steve showing Daria and Jane standing behind him. "Now, the North American Cynic is known for standing out, some kind of warning to ward off any that get into their territory. We're going have to be careful in handling these two." Suddenly Daria sprays Steve with sleeping gas while Jane pulls out some paints with a demonic gleam in her eyes. Cut to a while later we see Steve looking around in a half asleep state behind a demonic looking face paint job. "I told you they're dangerous... Where's that turpentine?"

Angelboy

"Now then," Tom said to the camera, "The Green-Coated Misery Chick is one of the most dangerous creatures in North America. Luckily it's also the laziest and slowest moving."

"Hey," Daria groused from the bed. "I can hear you."

Tom turned back to Jane with her handheld digital video camera and grinned.

"Now, I'm gonna stick my thumb up 'er butt ta piss 'er off!"

Jane smiled. Tom had been right; filming her friends' foreplay was going to make a great art project.

WacoKid

Tom later counted himself lucky to survive the experience, for as Jake could have warned him, a thumb up the butt was the Barksdale hereditary errogenous ground zero, releasing the Barksdale insatiable werenympho from Hell. Fortunately, his family could afford the many years of therapy, but it was a while before he stopped jumping at shadows.

Jane however, thanks to Trent's porno contacts, could and did retire fabulously on the proceeds from the sales of the video...

Deceleraptor

As an evolutionary defense mechanism to ward off angsty fanfiction writers, the cast of Daria grew poison tipped quills out of their backs.

Ms. Kinnikufan

But it didn't help, as the Daria fanfic writers developed a taste for poison tipped quills.

atimnie

"Anthony dear... I have something to tell you... you know how I haven't been feeling well?"

Anthony nods watching his lover in the low light.

"Well I took a test, and the doctor's confirmed it... I'm carrying your child Anthony" Mr. O'Neill said with a happy smile cradling his stomach while Mr. DeMartino's eye bulged out of its socket and blew up.

Angelboy

Stacy: Because this is a no Homers club branch#14532 of Lawndale.

Homer: Grrrrrrrr!

Stacy: Eep!

A.J.

<Trent walks in sees Jane on the couch and begins fondling her>

Jane: Trent! Damn you and your drunk a$$! Dad's working in his photolab! <Trent stares cluelessly> AKA the bathroom! Dumba$$.

Trent: Sorry, Janey. &kt;Heads off>

Jane: Third time this week this has happened, dammit! First time I'm Jesse, then Mom, now he thinks I'm Dad too!

A.J.

The Thing's worries that he was no longer attractive were allayed when the Fashion Club started fighting over who would get to date him.

Alternate, scarier version:
The Thing's worries that he was no longer attractive were allayed when Upchuck started hitting on him

Hierargo

Brooke knew instinctively that she'd once again blown her chance at joining the Fashion club when she sneezed her prosthetic nose into Sandi's soup.

Deceleraptor

Tom woke up, dressed up in clothes he was not weariing when he went to sleep.

"Jane, I thought we had an agreement: No dressing up Tom as Dr. Who when he's sleeping!"

Ms. Kinnikufan

"Now, then," Tom said, pulling on the latex glove, "I want you to relax, as this might be a little uncomfortable at first."

Daria, bent over the saw horse, her wrists and ankles strapped to each leg, could only grunt angrily around the ball-gag in her mouth.

"Hold it!" Jane barked sharply.

"Oh for the love of ....." Tom said, turning away from Daria and looking very annoyed at the doorway.

"Sorry," Jane said, " But the lighting is a lot better from this angle over here. OK, carry on."

"Can we hurry," Trent whined. "This boom mike is making my arms tired. And when am I going to get another turn?"

"People who can't tell the difference between KY and Icy-Hot don't get turns," Jane snapped.

WacoKid

Later...

Upchuck lowered the samaurai sword and looked at Daria, bathed in sweat and blood, and wearing only her shirt. "Are you OK?"

"OK?" Daria replied in a daze. "I think I'm pretty freaking far from OK, Upchuck."

Upchuck swallowed, looking at the bodies of Jane and Trent on the floor. Tom was still writhing, his hands cupped over his groin. He noticed Daria's grip on the shotgun was tightening. "What now?"

"What now?" She repeated, her voice coming from somewhere far away. "I'll tell you what now. I'm going to get myself cleaned up and go down to Happy Herb's and get that complete car repair kit--the one with the heavy set of wrenches--and then to Home Despot and get a nice shiny new Oxy-Acetylene Torch Kit." She bent down to Tom, grabbed his head by the hair, and hissed in his face: "Remember that nice conversation we had so long ago about Stalin, Tom? You tried to impress me by showing me you knew his real name. It was so, so sweet." Suddenly her voice rose to a harsh scream: "Well, now it's my turn to show you what I know about Larventi Beria!"

Scissors MacGillicutty

"And CUT!"

Mr. O'Neill's command brought the performers to a halt.

Stacy pulled off the wig and cokebottle glasses she'd been wearing as "Daria". "Did I do OK, Mr. O'Neill?" she asked breathlessly.

"Yes, Stacy, you did very well. I'm glad to see you overcoming your shyness in front of the camera. You to, Quinn."

The other girl, taking off the huge black boots and red shirt she'd been wearing beamed happily.

"Man, that squib hurt," Joey whined, tenderly holding his fake-blood drenched crotch as he stood up.

"Better you than me," Jeffy smirked, wiping the fake freckles off his cheeks.

"Why don't you boys go clean up," Mr. O'Neill suggested as Jamie picked himself up off the floor and whiped the fake blood from his sword wound onto his ragged jeans.

"Now, girls," he turned to Quinn and Stacy as the boys left, "I think it would be good for us to work on some more of the excercises we've been doing to get you over your camera-shyness."

The two girls agreed, and then proceeded to make out with each other for Mr. O'Neill's camera.

WacoKid

A small "pop!" interrupted the action, and the two girls stared as Mr. O'Neill pitched forward, a small amount of blood escaping from the tiny wound at the base of his skull.

Tiffany blew the smoke from the barrel of the .22 caliber pistol as Sandi entered. "Should have, like, been careful about repaying his debt to Godmother Li. Silly, stupid fellow."

She nudged O'Neill with her foot and looked at Jaime.

"Uh, j-just l-let me g-get to the bank," he said.

"You have, like, until tomorrow," said Sandi. "Take a break, everyone. You have a few minutes before your new director gets here. Hopefully," she looks in disdain at O'Neill's corpse, "DiMartino will last until the productions like, wraps or something. Any questions?"

"Yeaaaah. Does this fedoooora make me loooook faaaat?"

Deceletaptor

"Tif-fan-y! The only thing that makes you look fat is, like, how you keeping asking that question!" Sandi barked.

"Buuuuuut how am I supppppooooosed to knooow, then?" Tiffany pouted

Sandi snatched the .22 from Tiffany's hand and broke up Stacy and Quinn's clinch. "Save the action for tomorrow. And Sta-cy, Daria's voice is like affectless, not catatonic!"

"Eep! I'm sorry!"

Quinn waved her hand non-chalantly. "Oh Sandi--I think it works. Besides, in the last scene, everybody's going to know it's Stacy and not Daria."

Sandi took another glitterberry from her pocket and chewed it thoughtfully. At first she couldn't figure out why Godmother Li had said she'd like them--the first 48 hours were a hell of hallucinations and delusions. But once she'd gotten past that stage, she found not only that could she turn the hallucinations on and off at will, but also that the berries unleashed something truly dark and violent in her, something that, like the hallucinations, she could draw upon at will. It was then that she appreciated Godmother Li's wisdom in offering her the glitterberries: if she could never be bored, she could sit waiting for hours without moving, an important quality in an enforcer. And her ability to turn violent in a flash was another essential quality for an enforcer.

She looked at Quinn, admiring her hair, her flawless skin, and allowed herself some mild hallucinations: Quinn's hair took on the colors of the rainbow, and suddenly she was dressed in harem girl's outfit made of spun gold. She knelt down before Sandi and offered her a goblet of wine, averting her eyes, and murmuring, "For you, my mistress."

Then Sandi blinked and the hallucination was gone and standing before her again was the same Quinn Morgendorffer she desired but could never have, and whom she despised for being so physically beautiful while having no inner graces, for being conniving but lacking the cold brute force of will that made Sandi Godmother Li's chief enforcer.

She stepped closer to Quinn, and made a moue. "Gee, Quinn, what an astute observation. Maybe"--here she punched Quinn in the stomach with the hand that held the gun, causing Quinn to crumble to the floor--"you should be President"--and here she kicked Quinn in the kidney, hard enough so that she'd remember, but not hard enough to permanently injure her--"of the Fashion Club."

Stacy, Joey, and Jeffy looked on in horror. Tiffany tried on another hat.

Quinn wailed in pain before taking a deep breath and getting on her hands and knees. "Oh--no, Sandi--" she panted, "I--I could never--do that." She looked up at Sandi and forced a smile, thinking Wait 'till tomorrow, you bitch. That's when you'll learn that no matter what I've said about her or what she's done to embarass me, Daria is still my sister.

Sandi gave Quinn a contemptuous glance and let herself see the harem girl in gold again. "Alright everyone. Let's break until Mr. DeMartino gets here."

==========

The woman entering Mom's Diner was wearing a long blonde wig that did not fit her, and a pair of mirrored sunglasses that made her seem even more ridiculous. Just as the waitress approached her, she announced loudly, "Ah--I appear to be lost on this loooong highway. Could anyone tell me how to get to Middleton College?"

A girl with an angular haircut and wearing a red jacket got up from the booth where she was sitting and waved to the woman. "Yo! You're a long way off course."

"And the directions to get back are pretty complicated," said a monotone alto coming from the same booth whose owner did not reveal herself. "You better come over so we can draw you a map."

The woman rushed over to the booth, sitting down opposite the girl in the red jacket and further obscuring her companion. The girl opposite produced a technical pen and began to draw on an overturned placement. "See, you're here..."

The woman in the wig turned to the girl by her side and whispered beneath the other girl's directions, "Ms. Morgendorffer, I hope this is the last time we have to meet like this!"

Daria gave her the giaconda smile. "Li Tai-tai, have I ever steered you wrong?"

"Stop calling me that, damnit! It's Chinese, not Korean!"

Jane couldn't help but smile as she droned on with her direcitons. "...and then you'll get to Swedesville, where you have to get on I-95..."

"Ms. Li, I'd have thought that after so many mutually profitable ventures, you could take a little ribbing."

"And each one more outrageous and dangerous than the last! The Ultra Cola affair almost cost me my job! To say nothing of the indignity of having to pretend to be a mental patient!"

"All perform their tragic play/There struts Hamlet, there is Lear/That's Ophelia, that's Angela Li," Daria mused. "Let me guess--you're worried about controlling Sandi Griffin, and whether or not Upchuck will keep paying once he gets the movie, right?"

Jane arched an eyebrow at Ms. Li. "...which will take you straight out of Carter County, and then you keep going..."

"Sandi's brutal, but she won't betray you. She got through the hard period with the berries because she thinks you're a worthy leader. And as much as she wants to weild power, she wants to weild it in the service of someone she considers worthy. Haven't you noticed her going on about 'Godmother Li's wisdom,' 'Godmother Li's foresight'?"

Angela Li frowned deeply, but nodded.

"So as long as you give her the orders directly, she won't suspect she's being set up," Daria continued. "As for Upchuck, a little digital magic, and he'll be the star in the first real snuff film ever made. The Ruttheimers will pay and pay and pay--to say nothing of the fact that both Ruttheimer pere et fils will find it an irresistable piece of pornography. You'll have their fear and their gratitude." She slid an envelope towards Ms. Li.

"...and then you'll find yourself at the entrance to Middleton," Jane concluded. "Why don't you take this map with you?"

Ms. Li took the map and folded it around the envelope. "Ah...thank you very much young lady. I'll be on my way then." She got up and darted for the door.

Daria stretched out on her side of the booth. "Do you think she suspects?" she asked, a smile playing across her face that suggested her already knew the answer.

"Ms. Li? Naw," Jane replied, grinning. "Double crossing the double crossers, next on Sick, Sad World..."

Scissors MacGillicutty

She stood there in the middle of the street screaming at an inhuman level, her body glowing reddish-orange as the energy long hidden deep inside her is finally unleashed upon the unsuspecting town, it only took seconds for Lawndale to incinerated. The girl slowly stopped glowing as the energy stored inside depleted itself leaving Britney standing in an apparent dessert. She looked around confused and began twirling her hair around her finger.

Britney: What happened? Kevviee! Where am I?

Cut to: Military control room, a red phone begins to ring, all the people present stop what they’re doing and stare at the phone – the only sound we here is the phone ringing. A general steps over to the phone and picks it up.

General: Yes?

Voice on Phone: Project D has activated.

The General looks scared to death.

General: Understood.

He drops the phone and falls to his knees.

General: May God have mercy on us all.

cyke

"And there," said Sandi, pointing across the river, "there's where we'll have our farm."

"Wiiiiith the raaaabbits?" asked Tiffany.

"More rabbits than you can count."

"I loooove raaabbits. They're soooo soooft and fluuuufy..."

A tear escaped from Sandi's eye. "Just look across the river, Tiffany, and tell me... tell me about the rabbits." Sandi pulled the gun from her pocket and aimed it at the back of Tiffany's head. She could hear the mob in the distance. "Tell me all about the rabbits..."

Deceleraptor

"Hey," Trent said happily as he walked around the room, his glistening body wearing only cowboy boots, a cowboy hat and g-string, "I can feel the Vasoline squishing between my toes!"

Daria sat back on the bed and sighed. This was going to be a long, loooong honeymoon.

WacoKid

"Welcome, welcome, have you come to see the girl that can be in two places at once? Meet Jodie Landon." Ms. Li drew back the curtain behind her showing five Jodies sitting on chairs behind the curtain. 'Thank goodness I took DNA samples from the bi-monthly blood tests, and had her sign the form to authorize this while she was busy with student council forms.'

Angelboy

Shaving her sister's head in her sleep, Daria decided finally giving in to the voices in her head was the best decsion she'd ever made.

Angelinhel

After she had finished she went into her parent's room and started to work on their hair, clipping out cryptic messages in Jake's hair while coating Helen's with Nair.

Morning in the Morgendorffer household would be interesting tomorrow.

Angelboy

Shaving off her sister's pubic hair and putting it in a little baggie to sell to Upchuck was, Quinn decided, the best money-making idea she'd ever had.

WacoKid

Cutting off her sister's head and putting it on a pike in front of the house was the best way to begin to realize her dream of becoming a vengeful queen, Daria realized (vide the "Push Comes to Love" questionnaire in The Daria Diaries.)

Scissors MacGillicutty

Too late, Daria realized that like everyone else in her life, the voice in her her head was just a big jerk.

Angelinhel

"And the winner of Rock Star: INXS, the person who will be the band's new lead singer, is .... CHARLES RUTTHEIMER III!"

WacoKid

Britney happily counted the hundred dollars bills she got on the black market.

Selling all the footballer's she had slept with, kidneys had been the best decision she had ever!

Ms. Kinnikufan

"Making the Breast of It"

Brittany Taylor sighed as she inspected herself in her bedroom mirror. No matter what she did, the top of her superhero costume always billowed out, exposing her breasts, whenever she flew at speeds exceeding 30 mph. Even turtlenecks eventually stretched out of shape and had to be thrown away. It wasn't fair. All the other big superheroes got skintight costumes with unstable molecules that did whatever those heroes wanted them to do. Why was she always on the waiting list for an unstable-molecule suit?

She picked up the most recent letter informing her that her request for a new costume was being put on the backburner and was about to throw it away when she noticed the list of company board members at the bottom of the list.

All of the board members were Ruttheimers.

Brittany hissed so sharply that every dog in Lawndale ran and hid under the nearest couch. She then opened a window and jumped out, flying off to the company headquarters at top speed, heedless of what it did to her outfit.

The headlines on the following morning's paper were lurid and bold: SUPERCOSTUME EXECUTIVES FOUND SUFFOCATED IN OFFICES; FOUL PLAY SUSPECTED.

Brittany smiled down at her oversized cleavage, now nicely tucked into a top of unstable molecules that wouldn't billow open even during a high-speed atmospheric reentry at 30,000 mph.

One should always be careful with one's murder weapons, she thought. Murder or not, though, the Ruttheimer men had certainly died happy.

The Angst Guy

Dr. Shar: I kept telling her silicone was the best choice, but she still insisted on helium...

Deceleraptor

Skylar is walking Sandi to her door making small talk between the two of them. Sandi stops in front of the door and pulls out her planner that she stores her keys in. Seeing tomorrow marked with B.O.B. Skylar sighs heavily, "Let me guess, B.O.B. is some boy on a bike you met today..."

Sandi looks at Skylar shocked and appalled. "No, that's tacky, it stands for Battery Operated Boyfriend."

Angelboy

Skylar is walking Sandi to her door making small talk between the two of them. Sandi stops in front of the door and pulls out her planner that she stores her keys in. Seeing tomorrow marked with B.O.B. Skylar sighs heavily, "Let me guess, B.O.B. is some boy on a bike you met today..."

Sandi looks at Skylar shocked and appalled. "No, that's tacky, it stands for 'Baby On Board.' I plan to be carrying your child by tomorrow. So, are you coming in or not?"

WacoKid

"Say, Tad," Trent asked the Gupty boy, "Do you like gladiator movies?"

WacoKid

Somewhere in the interior of a nameless Latin American country, a very pregnant Daria Morgendorffer vented her her hormonal frustrations on Jesse, his hair a mess as he pumped fuel into the tiny red car. "What are we doing here? I'll tell you why, it's because you clowns blew the job! That's right! You blew it! You're all so stupid you don't even know you're putting diesel in the car! 'Gasoleo' is diesel, stupid!" Her rant is interrupted by the sound of gunshots as Mack, wearing a pink shower cap to keep his bald pate from burning in the sun, and Trent, wearing a cheap suit with slicked-back hair, came tearing out of the bank across the street.

"Move it! Let's go! Let's go!" Mack screamed as Jesse revved the tiny engine. Daria, still engrossed in screaming at the silent man, barely was able to make it into the open hatchback as the little car weaved down the dirt road as a uniformed guard popped off a series of shots at them....

RedlegRick

INT. THE PENGUIN'S SECRET HEADQUARTERS IN A LINUX TECH SUPPORT CENTER IN LAWNDALE.

The Penguin is holding a meeting with his minions. A bunch of penguins are waddling around.

PENGUIN: Listen up, boys. I've drawn up a new plan to get my revenge against the people of Lawndale.

MINION #1: What'd they ever do to you, boss?

PENGUIN: Confiscate my previous batch of penguins for not having the proper permits for owning them. But I digress. After a little talk with the Joker, I've found the perfect revenge.

MINION #2: What's that?

PENGUIN: I'm going to put a libido-dampening chemical in the water supply!

Everyone has a long, hearty evil laugh

Hierargo

Open on a dimly lit room, suddenly a large television clicks on showing the city of Lawndale from above… The light from the screen shows that the room is filled by nothing but TVs… A low chuckle is heard, but it quickly grows to a loud maniacal laughter.

The Viewer: Finally, my goal is complete; for years I have secretly been planting my mind control chips in everyone’s TV, and now that my transmitter is full functional no one will be able to stop me...

He resumes laughing, until a short, pale faced man enters the room nervously.

The Viewer: Ah Remote, what news from my TV-Land?

Remote: Uh… well, you see,

The Viewer: Spit it out already…

Remote: Um… well it seams that, not everyone is under your spell- Ahhh!

The Viewer grabs him and pulls him close to his face.

The Viewer: (growling) What?!

Remote; Well… there is one family; it appears that they… don’t have a TV…

The Viewer: (Gasps) N-no TV!?! What kind of, of, FREAK wouldn’t have a TV?

Cut to: A house partially hidden by corn – from inside we hear voices…

Leslie: Ted? What are you doing?

Ted: Just finishing an article for the yearbook.

Leslie: Well hurry up your dinner is ready.

Cut back to: The Viewer posing overdramatically with one hand on his hip while the other points toward the sky.

The Viewer: I swore that this town would be mine, and that all who dwell in it would be my slaves to do with what I wish. Anyone who dares refuse me must leave, or be forcibly eliminated! (he turns to Remote) Remote, prepare the – VCR! I don’t want to miss my soaps while I’m away…

Remote: But sir-

The Viewer: -You DARE to defy me?! I gave you an order and I suggest you carry it out or else I’ll banish you to, CSPAN!!!

Remote: (exhales) Okay… I just wanted to warn-

The Viewer: I SAID GO!

Remote turns and leaves the room.

The Viewer: I swear… they just don’t make ‘em like they use to… Now, to deal with these, these… NON-CONFORMISTS!!

The Viewer storms out of the room.

Fade to later – Remote sits in a comforter channel surfing. The door flies open and a very, very badly beaten Viewer falls into the room. Remote hops out of the chair and steps over to him.

Remote: I tried to warn you about their powers…

The Viewer slowly looks up at him, his eyes blazing with anger.

The Viewer: You could have TRIED HARDER! They nearly killed me! Luckily I discovered their weakness…

He takes a piece of chewed gum out of his mouth.

The Viewer: Who would’ve thought a small piece of gum would save my life.

He kisses the gum the pops it back into his mouth.

The Viewer: Now… as for you! I order you to clean every screen in the lair using only this- Cotton swab!

Remote: Oh damnit… that’s it. I’ve had some horrible jobs but this one is by far the worst one! I quit!

The Viewer: W-what? You can’t quit… if you leave how am I supposed to change the channel? O-or mute the commercials? What if the volume drops too low! What will I do then?

Remote reaches behind a stack of TVs and pulls out a bag which he tosses at him.

Remote: Here, all the remotes to your stupid TVs… and just in case- (pulls out a handful of batteries which he tosses at him) –here’s some extra batteries ya jerk!

The Viewer: N-no… there’s so many, how can I keep them straight? Remote, please stay… I can’t live without you!

Remote: Okay this is just sad, good-bye.

Remote steps to the door just as Ted arrives.

Remote: He’s all your kid.

Remote pushes past Ted and disappears, Ted looks confused but then turns to The Viewer.

Ted: You attacked my family, why?

The Viewer: All I wanted was to rule Lawndale and its people… but now, without my remote it all seams so- pointless. Go ahead! Put me out of my misery!

Ted: (shocked) I just came to ask why you attacked us.

Grant Clinton: (VO) We on the other hand-

Ted turns and sees his mother and father standing next to him.

Leslie DeWitt: -have plans for your mind control transmitter.

The Viewer: (confused) Y-you know about that?

They nod yes and he chuckles and looks down in defeat.

Ted: Mom? Dad? What plans, what’s going on here?

Grant: Silence Ted… it’s for the better that you don’t understand.

Daria: (VO) Understand what?

Everyone turns to see Daria and Jane standing just outside the door.

Daria: That you plan on using the transmitter to erase the city’s reliance on modern technology…

Jane: …and send us spiraling back to the 1700’s way of thinking… I don’t think so.

Daria: We’re here to stop your evil plan-

The Viewer: But it’s already stopped!

Jane: Not you… idiot, them.

He looks at back and forth between the five.

The Viewer: Then may I be excused?

They all either murmur yes or shrug their shoulders. The Viewer gets up and leaves the room. Shortly after we hear his maniacal laughter followed quickly by the sound of an idiot falling down the stairs.

Jane: See, I told you that string would come in handy…

Daria: Fine… here’s your damn money.

Daria hands Jane a twenty which she eagerly accepts.

Leslie: Oh my, you two have been so corrupted by the world…

Grant: Yes… I believe they are beyond reform; they will have to be-

Ted: Wait, everyone just hold on a second… What’s going on here, seriously?

The four look at each other then back at Ted.

Leslie: Um… well,

Jane: Oh Daria just say it so we can get outta here.

Daria: Me? Why should I tell him, they’re his parents?

Grant: She’s right, it’s our duty… Son, you had a bad reaction to something… you’re in the hospital. This is all a dream.

Ted: A bad reaction… to what?

Leslie: It was gum!!!

Grant: And that horrible Beatles tape!

Daria: Oh brother… look Ted, you were listening to the Beatles tape when your mother entered your room surprising you. You knew she didn’t like you listening to the tape so you rushed to turn it off and tripped accidentally swallowing the gum which got stuck in your throat, you almost suffocated. The paramedics took you to the hospital where they learned that you had also struck your head when you feel and had fallen into a coma.

Ted: Oh… how long-?

Jane: This is only the second day…

Ted: Huh, any idea how long this’ll last?

Daria: Nope, that’s up to you…

Ted: Really? Wow, I guess this is kinda like virtual reality then, I wonder if…

Ted closes his eyes and there is a flash and he is now dresses as a knight.

Ted: This is so cool, I think I’ll stay here I while.

Leslie and Grant begin crying as they hold each other.

Daria: I was afraid you’d say that.

Jane: (dressed as the black knight) Hey, it’s not so bad…

cyke

She could see the gates of the Muslim Paradise opening for her in a sunny partly cloudy Jerusalem sky. The square was full of people. American tourists snapped pictures of each other. European vacationers prowled the cafes. Zionist pigs, Quinn thought, as she reached for the detonator. Allah had a special place for his female martyrs too.

"Allahu Akbar!"

SteveBlumDeckler

"I understand about you flying through the air, saving the world, and all that other stuff," Jane said softly in their booth at Pizza King. "But why is there a squirrel humping your leg?"

Daria looked down and smiled, "That's Nutkins, he and Bucktooth are my faithful sidekicks. He got hit by a love beam from Fashionista yesterday." Looking back at Jane hopefully, she softly asks, "You won't tell anyone about me being Squirrel Girl will you?"

Jane smirked and leaned in conspiratorially, "Only if you let me be your third sidekick, I'd be Chipetta, the Chipmunk Wonder."

As Daria smirked at her friend she had to thank whoever slipped her those radioactive peanuts that she planted in her basement and grew with great care. This was the start of a beautiful partnership.

Angelboy

Daria thought of the irony as she watched her sister, the country's most respected mortician, direct the makeover Daria swore would happen only over her dead body.

Angelinhel

On the wind swept plains two men stood back to back pistols held before them at the ready. At the signal from one of the dozens spectators the two men started pacing away from each other, one turned after ten steps and fired his shot into the back of the other one who had continued walking onward. Walking over the victor smirked as he looked down at the corpse. "Poor Kevin, he never did learn how to count to ten..." With a chuckle he stands up and tips back his hat showing his mammoth grin. "I'll never hear him call me Mack-Daddy again. Now to go find Jodie for some fun." With that Mack walked away with a swagger to his step.

Angelboy

DARIA: Did you remember the guns?

JANE: Check.

DARIA: Did you remember the ammunition?

JANE: Yep.

DARIA: Did you remember the camouflage?

JANE: You're wearing it now.

DARIA: Oh. Got caught up in the moment.

JANE: OK. Uh, should we do this? We could take out some innocent people.

DARIA: Here, nobody is innocent. [Beat.] Except you.

JANE: [Checks watch] I guess it is time. [Faux dramatic] And damn the consequences!. I hope we get out of here alive.

DARIA: That would be a start.

[Pause.]

JANE: One question though.

DARIA: What?

JANE: Why did you want to go paintballing again?

Gregor Samsa

The question was who to eliminate from the list and for what reasons.

Quinn Morgendorffer had learned to use a spreadsheet from Dave -- it made learning things like compound interest that much easier. The first task was to spend the afternoon transferring the list of names from her notebooks into the database.

For academic non-achievers, the Fashion Club were veritable academics when it came to grading men. There were several classes having very odd names.

"Fave" was high class indeed. Tom Sloane would have been a "fave": good looks, money, popularity, everything. Being a fave was like winning the lottery -- usually there was only one boy who took "fave" honors and became the Date of the Month for Sandi and Quinn to fight over. Right now, the category was empty.

"Keep" was the next level. If a fave couldn't make the date, for whatever reason, a keep was called into service. The Three Js were at best, extremely talented backups, and not a single one of the Js had ever reached "fave" status, although all of the Js had gone out with each of the Fashion Club members at one time or another.

"Supply" was the next step down. They were permitted to supply the Fashion Club with gifts, concert tickets, and other presents, but other than some smiles or encouraging words, would only get a date if something happened to the faves or the keeps.

"Car" was the step below that. In a way it was a preliminary step, and now that all of Quinn's friends could drive, it had become a stage lessened in status. "Car" tended to be the dividing line. It required two prerequisites for prospective members -- you had to have a nice car and had to have it available anytime a Fashion Club member needed it, for whatever reason, no questions asked. "Car Club" members who failed often found themselves on the "Drop Dead!" list, the Fashion Club's semi-official blacklist, perpetually updated by the unforgiving Sandi Griffin. At least, it was something, as you had to have no obvious flaws that would keep a member of the Fashion Club from being seen with you.

A new category had developed that most of the sophomores and freshmen at Lawndale would fit into -- "Useful". These boys would have made it to the Car Club except for the fact that they were too young to drive or didn't have a nice car. However, they could qualify for any particularly odious job that needed doing, such as homework. "Useful" boys were looked upon with distaste and would certainly never be dated as it would be a major comedown in status. Tiffany's favorite phrase was "you're soooooo useful", as she depended on these hangers-on to keep her in school. She could actually make it sound like a complement instead of the put-down it really was.

"Insurance" was the category next down, like the glass you had to break to get to the fire alarm. Most of these boys had serious flaws in looks, popularity, money, whatever. It was permissable only to go out with them if you had no other resort. For serious parties, they were never* asked, and for lesser get togethers, you could go out with one, say, once a year, and only during major flu epidemics.

The last two categories were "Unpopular", the one Daria belonged to. You could accept gifts or the like from them, but you were not required to reciprocate with so much as a "thank-you". They were a perpetual underclass that were treated with pity, at best. Below that was "Drop Dead!", and Charles Ruttheimer the Third had earned permanent status as the number one member of that group. You didn't even joke about going out with him or any of the losers in that group. These two classes made up about three quarters of the Lawndale male population.

To an outsider, it would seem laborious and contrived, but the Fashion Club took it quite seriously. It was a closed society with its own vocabulary and customs. Stacy could say, "He's useful", and every member of the Fashion Club knew exactly what was meant. The list was updated with the care a Billboard chart manager would give to a rising or falling song. The list had been all but numerically quantified, as none of the Fashion Club was that great in math.

Roentgen

One Saturday, while Quinn was out on a date, and her parents were at one of those marriage seminars Daria started looking through out the house, shutting and locking all the doors. After that she crept up to her room and locked the door behind her. As she knelt beside her bed she looked around like a criminal scouting the area. After making sure no one was watching she pulled out a box and set it aside before pulling out a box that was nearly as long as her bed. Looking around once more Daria opened the box and smiled at her treasure, the entire My Little Ponies collectors set, complete with tapes, plastic ponies, and the ultra-rare illuminated Megan doll. Smiling Daria picked out the first tape and stuck it into her VCR. She then proceeded to take out the dolls she knew were in that episode and played along acting out the scenes. She giggled merrily as she continued to play with her hidden passion, up until the phone rang. Pausing the movie with a sigh Daria picked up the cordless phone she brought up just in case someone needed her.

"City Records, We prove that Rock and Roll did not build us." Daria answered dully.

"Yo, Amiga, how's it going?" Jane voiced over the phone.

"Hey Jane, I was just watching some old movies..." Daria carefully worded.

"Can I join you?"

"Um, no I don't think so."

"Why not?" Jane whined.

"Um... well..." Daria stalled as she sat down on her bed, accidentally sitting on the remote starting the movie into the opening theme of the next episode on the tape. As the theme played Daria's mortified look turned to a blush as she heard just under Jane's laughter, Trent's chuckle cough.

Angelboy

No one heard Kevin's single, agonized cry of 'QB in distress!' as he was tossed face-first into snow, pants ripped away, and savagely sodomized by a painfully aroused Sasquatch.

Brother Grimace

"Hey," Jodie MacKenzie said as she sorted through the pile of junk for the yard sale, "Why is there a Sasquatch costume in our attic?"

WacoKid

Jane raised an eyebrow as Jodie held up the costume. "I'd wondered where that had gotten off to."

RLobinske

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, Mr. O'Neill used to like dress up in those animal outfits, like the Lawndale Lion. You remember. He bought this from a movie supplies company and hired my mom to sew in a front flap so he could go to the bathroom without taking the suit off. Always wondered why he'd want to wear it that long. Why do you have it?"

"I haven't a clue. Mack?"

Mack walked over. "Oh, no," he groaned when he spotted the outfit.

"You know anything about this?" asked Jodie.

"Mr. O'Neill asked me to keep that for him," said Mack. "He said he didn't have anywhere to store it, but it held a lot of good memories for him."

"Well, let's get it back to him and out of our stuff," said Jodie.

Jane took the outfit and drove it by Mr. O'Neill's place. He was quite excited to see the suit and thanked her profusely.

And two days later, Kevin Thompson went home to his apartment from working in this father's construction company, and he discovered an old acquaintance hiding in his bedroom closet.

His screams broke windows as far away as Oakwood.

The Angst Guy

"I know you've missed 'Mr. Mohogany'," said the naked except for leather chaps and a cowboy hat Mack as he came out of the closet. "And he's missed you to," he added with a hip-waggle and a wink.

WacoKid

DARKNESS: I pray you, Father, accept my sacrifice… Let Light be orever extinguished! Let the Age of Darkness begin!

As the demons chant, Blix and Pox strain at the winch. They drag the unicorns towards the chopping block. Bit by bit, the cable is drawn forward onto the drum and the unicorn's neck is stretched across the chopping block. Darkness steps aside and Daria appears – not in her usual attire, but dressed in a formfitting black dress with a low cut V in the front. Her hair has become black and is put up in an elegant style, her eyes shaded in black, as are her lips. She smiles slightly at Darkness showing her newly acquired fangs. Darkness produces a black broadsword which he shows to her.

DARKNESS: Once your hands were too delicate for such a task… Writing tales of fantasy were more their work…

Daria: Then let my page be made of flesh, and my ink of blood… I am sister to the Fates!

Daria eagerly seizes the sword from him and admires it.

DARKNESS: What a queen you'll make!

Cut to: A ledge overlooking the execution - Tom slumps against the wall, desperate.

Jane: Come on, Screwball…

Gump: She means to do it, Jane! She's one of them!

Jane just stares at Daria. Gump runs over to a weapon rack and takes a long black bow and a quiver of arrows then returns to the ledge.

Gump: (cont) I'm going to stop her!

Jane: No… give me the bow… If it is to be done, then I am the one to do it.

Gump hesitantly hands the bow over to Jane who fits an arrow onto the bowstring. Below: Daria, sword in hand, approaches the helpless unicorn as Blix locks the winch.

DARKNESS: My lady, the birth of a new world awaits your stroke.

Daria swings the broadsword high over her head. Back on the ledge Jane raises the bow and draws back the arrow.

Gump: Do it. Do it!

JACK: I trust her, Gump… I'll always trust her…

GUMP: Foolish, mortal!

Daria laughs and she swings the sword down-
Jane watches with hope in her eyes…
Gump watches with fear in her eyes…
Darkness leans back and laughs…
The blade arcs through the air in slow motion…
…and Daria is sprayed by the unicorn’s blood.

Jane & Gump: NO!!!!

Daria and Darkness look up toward the source of the voices and see the two.

Daria: Oh, hi Jane.

Jane: Is that it? “Hi Jane”? Daria you just damned the world to eternal darkness.

Daria: What can I say…? (Looks over her shoulder at Darkness) he was very persuasive…

Darkness: Indeed… don’t be upset Jane… after all you had your chance…

Jane: Oh shut up Tom, or whatever you’re calling yourself now…

Darkness: Poor Jane… it must be hard knowing that you are responsible…

Gump: What? How?

Darkness: Well, she was the one who introduced us…

Gump: What?!

Jane: Oh no, you are not putting this on me.

Gump: You never told me you introduced them! Damn I hate mortals…

cyke

"Man, these guys are totally kicking our butts!"

The rest of the Lawndale Lions voiced agreement with Jeffy.

"OK, guys," Mack spoke up, taking charge, "there's 7 minutes left in the third quarter and we're down by 28 points. Things are looking pretty grim, but we still have a shot at pulling this off. But it's going to take something big."

Mack glanced around to make sure he had the entire team's undivided attention.

"We need a montage," he said.

The rest of the players began to murmer their shock and amazement, their excitement growing as they realized what Mack meant.

"Yeah!" Kevin crowed. "A Montage!"

With that, ZZ Top's "Legs" began to play, as the Lawndale cheerleaders did their routines. Numerous close-up shots of the girls' legs, chests and panties followed, along with images of Brittany eroticly licking sweat off her lips in slow motion.

The montage suddenly came to a screaching halt as Mack slapped Kevin on the back on his helmet.

"Knock it off!" Mack snarled. "I meant a football montage."

"Oh, sor-rey," Kevin said sheepishly.

WacoKid

Jodie Landon knew all her troubles were finally over when she burned down the school, shot her family dead, fed Kevin, Britney and the fashion club to piranhas and freed all the animals from the zoo.

Now nothing was standing in the way of becomming the world's finest arms dealer!

Ms. Kunnikifan

Daria knew it was a desperate measure, but dumping loads of Ritalin, Xanax. Prozac, Avil, Paxil, and Viagra into the PPMB Poster's drinking water was the only way to stop "No Scenes No Daria Fic Should Have" thread.

Ms. Kunnikifan

*chuckles as I drink my soda* good thing I never drink the water here...

Daria looked at the authors that didn't the water with horror as they started to plot out their next posts.

Angelboy

Jodie had been making a very good life as an arms dealer, but all that was ruin when she succumb to Agent Upchuck 007's manly charms...

Ms. Kunnikifan

Jake knew that his relationship was in trouble when Helen stepped into the bedroom, arm noticibly hidden behind her back and loudly humming "Happiness is a Warm Gun".

Ms. Kunnikifan

Mack sighed in his hammock as he rocked back and forth thinking about his wife. She was ideal for him, mature, knowledgeable, and dynamite in the bed. Smiling he looked over to his sleeping wife. "I love you Angela," he whispered softly.

Angelboy

"Fool!" cried Oswald Cobblepot (AKA the Penguin) as he and his evil army of penguins pelted her with tomatoes. "I put the antidote to all of those drugs in the water supply! NOTHING will stop me from taking over Lawndale!"

Heriargo

Little did he knew that Jane secretly had Daria place the anti-antidote shortly after The Penguin had placed the antidote in the drinking water.

Smirking, Jane beated The Penguin with a baseball bat.

Ms. Kunnikifan

Jake sighed and leaned back from the bar tossing down a five dollar bill on the bar top. "Well fellas, I think it's time for me to go see what the Mrs. is up to tonight."

As he stands the radio DJ comes out louder then he had been. "This next song is for Jake Morgendorffer, from your wife Helen, she wants you to know the name of the song you'll be singing soon. So, here's "Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me" by TISM, ouch, sorry Jake."

With a defeated sigh Jake slumps down into a seat. "Pour me another one Moe."

The bartender shakes his head pouring Jake another beer, "For the last time Jake, my name is Sam."

Angelboy

At least she thought they were over. Then Daria and Jane came up and accused her of being a sell-out and a slave to her parents, all because she did something besides sit on her butt all day eating pizza and running other people down.

So she ran them down ... with her car!

WacoKid

JAKE: My god Helen! You're a Beatles fan? You know I prefer Elvis!

Gregor Samsa

As the 25-foot-long Burmese python relaxed its relentless grip on the now deceased Tiffany Blum-Deckler and began to unhinge its jaws to accomodate her head, Sandi shook her head sadly and muttered, "I guess there is such a thing as 'too thin.'"

After a moment, Stacey quietly asked, "Pizza King?"

"Pizza King," agreed Quinn and Sandi.

"Always wanted to see what the fuss was about with pepperoni," said Quinn, as they left the python to its feast.

The python quietly wondered what Tiffany would taste like with pepperoni...

Deceleraptor

Daria wrote on her computer "My hypothesis that Cheerleaders burn faster the football players was proven incorrect. Will continue research."

Ms? Kinnikufan

A cold, hard rain began to wash over the football field, and the assembled crowd watched silently as Kyle Armalin went over to Kevin.

'It is time.'

Kevin nodded, and slowly, yet surely, he made his way up the bleachers...

Off to one side, Daria and Jane watched, while just before him, Brittany wiped wet blonde strands from her eyes as she saw Kevin reach the top of the bleachers.

Kevin turned, visible in front of the giant scoreboard that proclaimed Lawndale's victory in the State Championship, opened his mouth, and a loud, regal roar of triumph exploded from him!

In response, the other members of the Lawndale Lions football team and all of the cheerleaders answered his ror with roars of their own.

The Circle Of Life was complete.

Brother Grimace

Mack and Jodie finally found a true common interest, and hundres of millions of dollars to boot, as the internationally mega-popular and just plain filthy 'Plain Brown Rappers'.

Brother Grimace

Meanwhile, in "Our Furry Friends" pet store in the Lawndale Mall, Mr Matthews looked at the skewed lid over the terrarium where Joanne usually was.

"Brian, where's Joanne?" he asked with a hint of trepidation in his voice, but got no reply. "Mr Taylor! Where's Joanne?"

Shaking his head, he went of in search of his newest after-school employee. He hoped Joanne hadn't hurt him.

Much.

Greystar

"I think we should break up."

Tom was stunned. "What? When did you decide this?"

"Just now," Daria sighed.

Tom looked incredulous. "Because I got into Bromwell and you didn't? That's not fair, Daria."

"It's got nothing to do with Bromwell," she said defensively.

"Well, if it's not about Bromwell, then what? Why?"

"Because you're going one place and I'm going another."

"So what? We won't be that far away."

"I don't mean physically. I mean you're from one place and I'm from another, and college is going to make it even more obvious."

"I don't believe that."

"Tom," she said, trying to convince herself more than she was him, "We've got nothing in common. No common ground to start from. We're falling appart."

And Tom said, "What about Pearl Harbor?"

Daria said, "I think I remember the film. And as I recall, I think, we both thought it sucked."

And Tom said, "Well, that's one thing we've got."

WacoKid

"I think we should break up."

Tom was stunned. "What? When did you decide this?"

"Just now," Daria sighed.

Tom looked incredulous. "Because I got into Bromwell and you didn't? That's not fair, Daria."

"It's got nothing to do with Bromwell," she said defensively.

"Well, if it's not about Bromwell, then what? Why?"

"Because you're going one place and I'm going another."

"So what? We won't be that far away."

"I don't mean physically. I mean you're from one place and I'm from another, and college is going to make it even more obvious."

"I don't believe that."

"Tom," she said, trying to convince herself more than she was him, "We've got nothing in common. No common ground to start from. We're falling appart."

Tom said pleadingly, "What about Gone With the Wind?"

Daria paused to think for a moment before she smirked, "I remember that movie, and frankly my dear I don't give a damn."

Tom could only stare after Daria as she walked away. 'Nice choice there idiot...' Tom thought bitterly as Daria disappeared from view.

Angelboy

The night before graduation, Daria lay in her bed, tossing and turning, unable to sleep. Fear of the unknown, of the unpredictable and the potentually painful had been the bane of Daria's entire life. And now she was moving out of the comfortable rut of high school and of living with her family, to the big scarey unknown world of college and life on her own.

And life without Tom.

Stop that, Daria thought to herself. It's better this way.

Better to be miserable?

No, better to end it now, at a time of her choosing than to have him dump her when ....

When what? He spends more than 24 hours off of your leash?

Shut up.

Just because he's not with you 24/7 doesn't meen he's going to leave you for some Muffy.

He'd never go for that type.

You mean the type that might actually trust him?

Shut up.

That might trust her best friend?

Not listening.

That might trust her family enough to let them see her?

I can't hear you.

That might have the backbone to let the whole world see who she really is instead of hiding behind a mask?

Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala....

Suddenly a noise from outside broke Daria from her internal debate.

She sat up in bed. It sounded like ...

"No way," Daria said to herself. "It can't be."

She went to the window and pulled it open, fully expecting to see one of Quinn's idiot followers down there serenading her, expressing his love for her oh so perfect form.

Instead she saw ...

"Tom?!"

Down in the Morgendorffer drive way was Tom Sloane, standing in front of an electric keyboard connected to a pair of speakers. As he saw Daria at the window, he started to sing.

I miss you more then Michael Bay missed the mark
When he made Pearl Harbor
I miss you more than that movie missed the point
And that’s an awful lot girl
And now, now you’ve gone away
And all I’m trying to say is
Pearl Harbor sucked, and I miss you

Daria stared dumbfaced down at the driveway.

I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school
He was terrible in that film
I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part
He’s way better than Ben Affleck
And now all I can think about is your smile
and that s***** movie too
Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you

By now Daria, along with her entire family, were standing outside the front door to the house, watching Tom.

Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies?
I guess Pearl Harbor sucked
Just a little bit more than I miss you

As Tom's performance ended, Daria came up to him.

"Please, Daria, I love you. I want to be with you and the idea of never seeing you again is tearing me appart. I'd rather disapoint my family by going to Raft instead of Bromwell than be without you. You complete me."

"Shut up," Daria said, with tears running down her cheeks,

"You had me at 'Pearl Harbor sucked'."

Then she kissed him.

Helen looked on tearfully.

"Oh, Jake, isn't that so romantic."

"Hey, those damn squirrels have been in the trash again, damn it! I'm sorry, honey, did you say something?"

WacoKid

"I'm proud to present to you, Ms. America 2010. Ms. Tiffany Blum-Decker." The annoucer shout into the microphone before waving for Tiffany to step up to the stage. After being crowned and given flowers and a new sash, Tiffany took the microphone and looked out over the crowd.

"I would like to thank my friends Quinn and Stacy for helping me get here, and for helping me get off the pills that I was forced to take." Tiffany started. "I would also like to thank those that helped Quinn and Stacy realize what I was going through and put a stop to it. Also, I'd like to send a special message to Sandi Griffin. How is cell block C tonight Sandi? Are they making you take pills like you did to me?" With that Tiffany handed back the microphone to the annoucer and walked away.

Angelboy

"I think we should break up."

Tom was stunned. "What? When did you decide this?"

"Just now," Daria sighed.

Tom looked incredulous. "Because I got into Bromwell and you didn't? That's not fair, Daria."

"It's got nothing to do with Bromwell," she said defensively.

"Well, if it's not about Bromwell, then what? Why?"

"Because you're going one place and I'm going another."

"So what? We won't be that far away."

"Tom, I've been meaning to tell you, I'm not going to Raft."

"You're not?"

"I'm going to the Academy of Science on Andora. I'll be lightyears away."

"Damn."

Ranger Thorne

The PSI Cop screamed as she severed her attempt to enter the Ranger's mind. "What happened?" Alfred Bester barked. "Did you get anything?"

'I can't - she's too powerful, too well-trained in mental defense!'

"Get back in there!'

'I'm telling you, it won't work! There's only one thought that keeps going through-'

"Out of the way!'

In the last few seconds before he lost consciousness, Bester only heard one sentence in the Ranger's mind:

&ly;'We... live... for... the... One... we... uh... We... live... for... the... One... we... die... for... the...One...'>

Brother Grimace

"I think we should break up."

Tom was stunned. "What? When did you decide this?"

"Just now," Daria sighed.

Tom looked incredulous. "Because I got into Bromwell and you didn't? That's not fair, Daria."

"It's got nothing to do with Bromwell," she said defensively.

"Well, if it's not about Bromwell, then what? Why?"

"Because you're going one place and I'm going another."

"So what? We won't be that far away."

"I don't mean physically. I mean you're from one place and I'm from another, and college is going to make it even more obvious."

"I don't believe that."

"Tom," she said, trying to convince herself more than she was him, "We've got nothing in common. No common ground to start from. We're falling appart."

Finally, Tom said, "What about Jane?"

"What about her?"

"Well, if we're not seeing each other, isn't it going to be awkward to..." Tom fumbled for words here.

Daria glared at him. "There nothing awkward about it. She was my friend first. I'm going to keep seeing her."

"But I started seeing her first!"

"Then she got bored!"

"No, we both got bored!" Tom countered.

"So if you're bored with her, and she's bored with you, why do you still want to keep seeing her?"

Tom drew back, indignant. "Hey, I didn't say I was still bored with her!"

"Uh huh. And when did your interest in her pick up again—about 20 seconds ago, when I said I think we should break up?"

"But you wouldn't even be with her if it weren't for me!"

Now Daria was indignant. "Excuse me? She told me your manoeuver in the car that night was her idea."

"That doesn't matter now! You can't keep me from seeing Jane—that's not fair!"

"Tom, if I were you, I wouldn't use the word 'fair' in any discussion right now. Besides, I'm not the one who's keeping you from seeing Jane!"

Tom sat silent for a moment, reeling from the impact of what Daria said. At last, he said, "So she couldn't bring herself to tell me to my face, huh?"

Daria groaned. "Look, we both got tired of you. It happens all the time." She crumpled up her plate, cup, and napkins, and made ready to go. "You'll get over it. Besides," she smirked, "I'm sure you'll land on your feet." Then she walked to the door and was gone.

Tom let his head fall in his hands and sighed deeply. Beneath the table, Butthead began to paw the inside of Tom's leg, and was half-way up his thigh before Tom slapped his hand away. "No touching the pants today, either of you! Tongues on the soles of my shoes—NOW!"

Beavis started to giggle at Tom's rebuke to Butthead, but then Tom pulled the leash on Beavis' choke-collar until he stopped. They sloppered away at his shoes beneath the table, happy to have him to themselves at last, as Tom looked out the window of Pizza King, forlorn.

Scissors MacGillicutty

"I love you." These three words echoed in Jane's mind as she walked home. These three little words had been told to her by someone she was certain would never say them to her. She had to think about it. Looking at her boots pounding on the pavement she turned up the sidewalk to her door. Shutting the door behind her she walked upstairs and locked her bedroom door after shutting it behind her. She didn't feel like painting tonight, nor sculpting. Tonight she sat on her bed and started to think. After a few hours she reached over to the phone and picked it up. After pulling a number from her pants she dialed and waited for an answer. After the other line picked up she smiled and responded to the voice's questioning "Hello?"

"Hello, Lindy? This is Jane Lane... I wanted to tell you... I love you too." Jane said with a smile of relief.

Angelboy

Daria continued to write: While my hypothesis about cheerleaders burning faster the football players was false, I found out that people really do **** their pants when they die. I thought at first it might be one time thing when I killed Trent with a pickaxe, but then I shot Sandi, Linda Griffen, Upchuck and Jaime White, I found out it was very true.

Ms. Kinnikufan

Daria had always been a big collector of oddities, but several years ago she got her hands on these orange balls with different amount of stars on them. Slowly she found all seven of them. The odd part was as soon as she did they all started pulsing with light.

Daria VO: Well hell I'll never get any sleep with them doing that all night long.

With that she put them in her closet so the light wouldn't disturb her. over the next couple of days every oddball, screwball, and wierdo seemed to come out of the woodwork to ask about them and how they knew was even stranger. And finally today some orange clad brusier with a spikey haircut came to ask about them along with Superman. thier different oppinions on who should have them erupted in a fight in which Daria was more than happy to watch.

As Daria went back inside: Have fun you two.

A couple of days passed and the fight was still going one out there and Daria found out why everybody was so interested in them.

Daria: They grant wishes....

As the computer monitor glared on her glasses a smile formed on her face from all sorts of things she thoughts of stuff she could have. The doorbell rang breaking her out of her daydream. Daria grumbled to herself saying it better not be one of Quinn's Dates or one the three J's.

Opening the front door Daria stood there surprised to see Jane there because usually she called.

Jane nervusly spoke: H-hey there amiga I got someone here who wants to see you.

Daria peered around Jane to see someone she wasn't counting one seeing

Daria: OMG YOU!!!

Dave the Insane

Jerry Springer:Today on Jerry Springer we reunite people with their long-lost Imaginary Friends.

First we have Andrew Landon who's being reunited with his imaginary friend, Wilt.

Andrew, why Don't you tell us some stuff about your imaginary friend?

Andrew Landon: Well I created Wilt when I was young and loved the Harlem Globetrotters. But I grew up and realized I had to join the real world. So I left Wilt behind when my family moved.

Jerry Springer: Well, Andrew, look who's comming on the stage now: Wilt!

Wilt: You motherf***er! I spent seven ****ing years homeless before I found Foster's you worthless peice of ****!

At Foster's home: Bloo Mac and the other characters are watching!

Bloo: Use the chair! Use the chair man!

Mr. Herriman: Oh Dear, it looks like our friend Wilt has been holding it end all this time!

Back at Jerry Springer's

Wllt is savagely beating Andrew with a chair.

Foster's Home:

Mac: Where's Eduardo?

Back at Springers:

Wilt (staring at Andrew's now bloody body) And I've having a friend kidnap your baby son! I may only have one arm and one working eye, bet I can be a far better father then you, you irresponsible f***er!

At the Landon' residence.

Rachel: Why are you holding my baby brother and where are you taking him, strange bull creature?

Eduardo: Ummm...Eudardo not kipnapping little nino, just borrowing for a long, long, time. Like rest of his life long time. Oh no, Eduardo wasn't supposed to mention that part.

Rachel: Whatever (leaves room, smileing)

Back at Springers:

Wilt: And I've slept with your daughter!

Indecent photo of Wilt and Jodie flashes on screen

Wilt: And her boyfriend!

Indecent photo of Wilt and Mack flashes on the screen

Wilt: And I've slept with your daughter and her boyfriend at the same time...We were kind of drunk and high..

Indecent photo of Wilt, Jodie and Mack flashes on the screen.

Springer: Oh man, those photos are gonna bring the greatest rating ever! More then the guy who married a horse!!!

Ms. Kinnikufan

"I think we should break up."

Tom was stunned. "What? When did you decide this?"

"Just now," Daria sighed.

Tom looked incredulous. "Because I got into Bromwell and you didn't? That's not fair, Daria."

"It's got nothing to do with Bromwell," she said defensively.

"Well, if it's not about Bromwell, then what? Why?"

"Because you're going one place and I'm going another."

"So what? We won't be that far away."

"I don't mean physically. I mean you're from one place and I'm from another, and college is going to make it even more obvious."

"I don't believe that."

"Tom," she said, trying to convince herself more than she was him, "We've got nothing in common. No common ground to start from. We're falling appart."

And Tom said, "What about Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?"

And Daria said, "I think I remember that film, and as I recall, I think we both kinda liked it. Except for those damn Oompa Loompas. Little orange freaks still give me nightmares."

atimnie

I think we should break up."

Tom was stunned. "What? When did you decide this?"

"Just now," Daria sighed.

Tom looked incredulous. "Because I got into Bromwell and you didn't? That's not fair, Daria."

"It's got nothing to do with Bromwell," she said defensively.

"Well, if it's not about Bromwell, then what? Why?"

"Because you're going one place and I'm going another."

"So what? We won't be that far away."

"I don't mean physically. I mean you're from one place and I'm from another, and college is going to make it even more obvious."

"I don't believe that."

"Tom," she said, trying to convince herself more than she was him, "We've got nothing in common. No common ground to start from. We're falling appart."

And Tom said: What about that breathing?

Daria: Takes out a hunting knife and slashes Tom's lungs.

Tom dies.

Daria: Nope, not that either.

Ms. Kinnikufan

I think we should break up."

Tom was stunned. "What? When did you decide this?"

"Just now," Daria sighed.

Tom looked incredulous. "Because I got into Bromwell and you didn't? That's not fair, Daria."

"It's got nothing to do with Bromwell," she said defensively.

"Well, if it's not about Bromwell, then what? Why?"

"Because you're going one place and I'm going another."

"So what? We won't be that far away."

"I don't mean physically. I mean you're from one place and I'm from another, and college is going to make it even more obvious."

"I don't believe that."

"Tom," she said, trying to convince herself more than she was him, "We've got nothing in common."

"But what about that whole 'screwing Jane over' thing? We both enjoyed that."

Daria thought a moment, and then her face brightened. "You're right. I'd forgotten. We can probably coast on that for another couple of years."

Tom and Daria clincked their soda glasses together in a toast to their future.

E. A. Smith

A few weeks later...

Wilt and Eduardo are sitting at the table, feeding little Evan.

Eduardo: Here comes the airplane, little nino!

Everyone else is noticibly staying far, far, away.

Coco: Cooo Coco Co?

Wilt: No, I have no idea why we haven't been arrested for kidnapping yet.

Coco COO COco Co!

Wilt: Yes I'm well aware of the rumors that have been circulating since me and Eduardo kidnapped little Evan. There are not true!!

Mr. Herriman: Wilt a couple are here to see you!

Wilt Are they-

Mr. Herriman: No they are not copps. Honestly, I don't know why Ms. Foster allowed you to stay after that those horrid photos on the Jerry Springer show.

Wilt goes into the palor.

Wilt: Hello ma'am, sir, how may I help you?

Helen: Well, we saw those photogarphs on the Jerry Springer Show-

Jake:And after talking to our daughter's friend and her boyfriend-

Helen: We think you might be what we need to put the spice back in our relationship!

Wilt (stares blankly)...Those we're photoshoped photos...I just sold crack to Jodie and Mack, whatever they pictured involving me was a hallucination.

How do you think Foster's stays in bussiness? Drugs!

Ms. Kinnikufan

I think we should break up."

Tom was stunned. "What? When did you decide this?"

"Just now," Daria sighed.

Tom looked incredulous. "Because I got into Bromwell and you didn't? That's not fair, Daria."

"It's got nothing to do with Bromwell," she said defensively.

"Well, if it's not about Bromwell, then what? Why?"

"Because you're going one place and I'm going another."

"So what? We won't be that far away."

"I don't mean physically. I mean you're from one place and I'm from another, and college is going to make it even more obvious."

"I don't believe that."

"Tom," she said, trying to convince herself more than she was him, "We've got nothing in common."

And Tom said: "What about "Breakfast at Tiffany's"

Daria: Oh yeah, I'll never forget the breakfast we had at Tiffany's...or the very special night we spent with Tiffany beforehand..

Ms. Kinnikufan

Blonde actor - I am Bungholio. I need...LINE!

Director - I need TP for my bunghole.

Blonde actor - I'm not saying that.

Director - It's in the script, you're saying it. And we need you to say your lines in a higher register.

Blonde actor - Sir, I am a classically trained actor, my voice is my craft, and I will not risk ruining it by speaking in a higher register.

Director, to his assistant - Damn, where did we find this a**hole? What's his name again?

Assistant - Cornelius Beavers.

Director - Hmm. We still haven't named the character. Since he's being a pain in the ass, maybe we should return the favor and name the dillweed after him. (to blonde actor) Cornelius, we've just come up with a name for your character. You're Beavis. (assistant whispers to him) And your alter ego is Cornholio. So where you say, 'I am Bungholio', replace that with Cornholio. And we need you to say it in a higher register.

Blonde actor - I already told you, I'm not doing that.

Director, to assistant - Daria, do a voice adjustment on this idiot.

Daria - Gladly. (walks over to actor and knees him where it hurts)

Director, shouting - I AM CORNHOLIO! I NEED TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE! SAY THE LINES NOW!

Blonde actor, in Beavis voice - I am Cornholio! I need TP for my bunghole.

Director - PERFECT!

Gofer - Here's your coffee, Uncle Mike.

Director, sips coffee - Damn it, butthead, I said two sugars. There's no sugar in this.

Blonde actor - Heh heh, mneh heh.

Director, to himself - Laugh at me, will ya? (to blonde actor) Beavis, meet your new partner, Butthead.

Gofer - Huh? Oh. Huh huh huh. This is so cool.

atimnie

Daria Quest walked along the dusted filled pyramid caverns behind her father Jake Quest and Jake's Assisstant, Andrew Bannon. Next to her was her best friend, and adopted sister Janeji Singh, following this pair were the last two members of the team, Andrew's daughter Jodie Bannon and Daria's pet oppossum Opie.

As they rounded a corner they saw all their arch nemisises waiting for them at the end of the hall. Angela Surd, Janet Rage, Dr. Quinn and her two friends Stacy and Tiffany; all of them waited ready for a fight over the precious scientific find of the century.

An announcer voice sounds as the scene freezes, "How will the Quests get out of this one? Find out on the next episode of The Real Adventures of Daria Quest."

Angelboy

I think we should break up."

Tom was stunned. "What? When did you decide this?"

"Just now," Daria sighed.

Tom was incredulous. "Because I got into Bromwell and you didn't? That's not fair, Daria."

Daria downed another shot of whiskey, stood up, and raised her rifle, putting Tom in its sight as he lay bleeding on the floor of Pizza King. "Fair's got nothing to do with it, Tom."

Tom gathered what strength he had left to utter a curse. "I'll see you in hell, Daria Morgendorffer!"

Daria squinted behind her glasses. "Yeah," she murmurred.

And then she pulled the trigger.

As Daria walked over to the counter to take away the bottle of whiskey, Sandi Griffin emerged from beneath a shattered table. "Um...excuse me...like, Quinn's gunslinger cousin?"

Daria glanced over her shoulder. "Hey Sandi. How's Fluffy?" She had put the whiskey in her backpack and was now gathering up shells and pistols from the ruined interior of the PIzza King.

"Ah...Fluffy like, died from eating the makeup."

Daria continued her gruesome task, her back to Sandi. "Sorry to hear that." She bent over to take pry an automatic from Mack's hand.

Sandi stepped closer to Daria and looked at the gun. "Oh--is that, like, a Glock .45 automatic?" Daria grunted and slipped the gun into her skirt pocket. "I, uh, understand that it's, like, the standard for personal defense."

Daria shrugged. "Mack would have been better off with a revolver. Him being the captain of the football team, he never got the range time to figure out how to shoot this thing."

Sandi stepped away, saying only "Oh." Then she came closer again and, clearing her throat, asked, "Who'd you, like, shoot first? Waif says that the fashionable gunfighting woman of today like always takes out the best shot first. Was that, like, Mr. DeMartino?"

Daria frowned and looked over at Mr. DeMartino's body. She had shot him right in his bulging eye. The look on his corpse's face reminded her of the famous image at the end of the Odessa step montage in Battleship Potempkin. "I don't remember. Guess I just got lucky." She took the whiskey from her backpack and took a long sip. "Nice to know I'm lucky at something."

"So, if like Mr. DeMartino was first, then who was next? Upchuck? Kevin?" Sandi had out her pink Waif's Girl Gunslinger's Guide and was making notes in the margin.

Daria slowly turned to face Sandi, Mack's Glock in her hand. "I don't remember that either, Sandi. But if you really, really miss Fluffy, I could arrange to have you see her again in the next two minutes." She chambered a round.

"EEP!" Sandi cried, and dashed from the Pizza King into the driving rain.

Daria cast a final cold glance over the room and made towards the door. Suddenly, Kikuchiyo, the farmer's son among the samaurai that Lawndale had recuited to protect itself from Daria and Jane came dashing in. Daria shot him in the head, and he went down like the 16 ton weight on Monty Python's Flying Circus.

Crouching down over Kikuchiyo's body, she swung open the door and called out into the night: "Any other samurai out there are gonna get what this hick got, and worse! Drop the swords and spears and arrows where I can see them and clear out!" There was a clattering of metal and wood and the sound of feet running into the distance. "All right--I'm coming out now. If I see anybody out there, I'll kill them. And then I'll kill their family. And their friends." With that, she stood up and walked through the door into the pouring rain and cold night. She looked over at the open coffin that held Jane, and cried out, "And you bastards better give Jane a decent burial!"

Jane cleared her throat, and said in a hoarse voice, "Amiga, I'm not dead...just hurt bad...need to get to a doctor..."

Daria chambered another round and shot her right in the heart. "Like I said, give Jane a decent burial! Or I'll be back...and I'll burn this entire town to the ground, and sow the earth here with salt!"

With that, she leapt onto her horse and rode off into the night, never to be seen again.

Scissors MacGillicutty

"I think we should break up."

"Oh, thank God," Tom said, incredibly relieved.

"What?"

"I was wondering what was taking you so damn long. My God. I was afraid I was going to have to bite the bullet and just dump you."

Suddenly Jane walked up and slid into the booth next to Tom.

"Did she finally do it?"

"Yes."

"Oh, good," And then Jane leaned over and kissed Tom on the lips.

Daria was shocked. "J-Jane, what are you doing?"

"Kissing my boyfriend, what does it look like?"

"But ...."

"Did you guys finally break up?" a high pitched voice said from the next booth behind Tom and Jane.

"Sure did," Jane said happily as Brittany looked over the top of the booth.

"Oh, goodie," She squeeked and started to climb over to sit on the other side of Tom, giving him an extreme close up of her yellow cheerleading panties in the process. Once seated, she put her hand on his chest and head on his shoulder and started to snuggle against him.

Daria looked on dumbfounded, a number of questions, including 'why wasn't Jane objecting to Brittany touching Tom?' running through her head at the same time.

"Are they done?" A new voice asked as Jodie Landon slid into the booth, forcing Jane to sit in Tom's lap.

"Finally," Andrea added, shoving the pizza and sodas out of the way so she could lay across the table looking longingly at Tom.

"What's going on?" Daria asked smally, as this turn of events was not something she'd pictured when planning this out in her head the day before.

"Well, Daria," Tom said, "You see, when Jane and I were dating, we had kind of an open relationship."

"A very open relationship," Jane grinned before kissing Jodie.

The other girls giggled, as Brittany ran her hand through Andrea's hair.

"We wanted you to join us," Brittany said.

"But Jane said you'd freak out if you knew," Jodie added.

"I'd tried to get you to understand that we could share Tom," Jane said a little sadly, "But you never got the hint, and in the end we all agreed that you were too possessive and clingy for something like this."

The others all nodded sadly.

"We'd hoped," Tom said, "That dating me might've helped bring you out of your shell enough for Jane to ease you into it ...."

"But after your car accident," Jane continued, "You started backsliding really bad. That trip to Bromwell was your last chance."

"And we all agreed that it wasn't fair to Tom or to the rest of us for him to be stuck alone with you while the rest of us only had each other," Jodie said, shivering a little as Jane ran her hand up her thigh.

"And we've got a lot of lost time to make up for," Andrea purred happily.

Daria just starred open mouthed.

"So, girls," Tom said, "My parents are in New York for the weekend and my sister is staying at her friend's horse ranch."

"Oooh," Brittany squeeled, "We can have a slumber party!"

"Yes," Tom said happily, "Yes, we can."

The five of them got up from the booth, happily chattering among themselves, occasionally sharring affectionate contact.

"Oh, hey Daria," Jane said, turning back to the table, "You don't mind picking up the check, do you? Thanks."

Daria sat there alone, in shock, for several minutes.

Sometime later, Trent walked up.

"Hey, Daria," he said with his velvety smooth voice.

"Um, hey," she blushed.

"I heard you broke up with Tom, too bad."

"Um, yeah."

He said down across from her.

"You know, Daria, there's something I've been wanting to tell you for a while."

"Um, ok." Daria's eyes are fixed on him.

"Daria, I care about you a lot."

She gulped nervously.

"Which is why I wanted to tell you ...."

"Yes," Daria dared herself to dream just a little.

"I'm getting married."

"Huh?"

A girl Daria had never seen before, with knee-length silky raven black hair with red highlights and big bright violet-amber eyes came and sat next to Trent.

"Daria, this is Mary Sue."

WacoKid

"I think we should break up."

"THAT TEARS IT!," said Tom, standing up and hitting the table with his fists, "THIS IS THE LAST STRAW! I'VE PUT UP WITH YOU FRIKKIN' FANFIC AUTHORS MAKING LIGHT OF THE MOST TRAUMATIC INCIDENT IN MY LIFE, THE MOMENT MY SWEETIE TEARS MY HEART OUT AND STOMPS THAT SUCKER FLAT, FOR THE LAST FRICKIN' TIME! THE OTHERS WERE BAD ENOUGH, BUT THIS IS JUST TOO MUCH! ENOUGH IS FRICKIN' ENOUGH! YOU CAN TAKE THIS DAMNED SCENE NO DARIA FIC SHOULD EVER HAVE AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR OVERSIZED BUNGHOLE, PAYNE, I'M NOT DOING IT!!!"

He stomps out in a huff, leaving his partner stunned. Guy comes up, shaking his head slowly. "I'm sorry, Ms. Morgendorffer, but we can't do the scene without Tom."

"Dadnabbit!" said Ruth, "I was looking forward to the reconciliation bit! I ain't had no sweet face-suckin' time since Mad Dog kicked the bucket. May as well put these back in." She replaced her teeth and started to sadly eat the pizza.

Deceleraptor

As opposed to The Fake Adventures of Daria Quest?

Hierargo

"Take that, Dr. Quinn!" Daria said as she punched the stuffed bear. "And that! And that!"

"Daria, what are you doing?" Jane asked, as she stood in the doorway to Daria's room.

"Um, nothing," Daria said nervously, trying to hide the bear behind her back.

"Hey, Daria," Trent said. "Nice bear

WacoKid

Quinn sighed in her hammock as she rocked back and forth thinking about her husband. He was ideal for her, mature, knowledgeable, and dynamite in the bed. Smiling she looked over to her sleeping husband. "I love you Coyote." she whispered softly.

Angelboy

Dr. Phillips: Odd the medications seem to be having no effect on the subject.

Daria: No, please say it is not so...

_______________________________________________________________

After teaching high school for twenty years Mr. DeMartino finally changed careers and went into show business. Mr. DeMartino seemed to relax a lot more once he started that his bulging eye actually fit under the eye-patch they make him wear. Yes life was good for Mr. DeMartino as the replacement for Captain Feathersword on the Wiggles.

Angelboy

I think we should break up."

Daria was stunned. "What? When did you decide this?"

"Just now," Tom sighed.

DJW

(I'm back, and working off nerves from the phone interview I just had.)
(*Daria starts making out her will*)
(Oh knock it off, I haven't killed you once yet.)

"I think we should break up..."

Opie looked up stunned at Daria.

"Don't look at me like that Opie... we're from two different worlds, and my moving is going to make it worse..."

Opie pawed at the dirt before looking hopefully up at Daria.

"Yeah, digging for worms was fun, especially when you hid them in Quinn's clothes..."

Angelboy

A country road. A tree.
Evening.
Daria, sitting on a low mound, is trying to take off her boot. She pulls at it with both hands, panting.
She gives up, exhausted, rests, tries again.
As before.
Enter Trent.

Daria: (giving up again) Nothing to be done.

Trent: Um. I've kinda started thinking that myself. Long time now, I've kept saying to myself, "Sprial's gonna make it, it's got to." But then I realized we'd have to practice. (He broods, thinking about practicing. Turns to Daria.) Hey, Daria.

Daria: (VO: 'Can't speak. Must speak. Can't speak. Must speak. I can't go on, I can't go on, I'll go on.') Hey.

Trent: (smiles) Good to see you.

Daria: Um...you too.

Trent: Wow, it's been like...a long time.

Daria: Um...I guess.

Trent: (suddenly warm, opening his arms) Hug?

Daria: (VO: 'Eep!') Ummm...not now. Can't stand up. Boot's half on and half off.

Trent: (hurt) Oh. (beat) Where'd you sleep?

Daria: (muttering) inaditch.

Trent: A ditch! Whoa. (beat) And they didn't try to give you a makeover?

Daria: (sighs) Yes, they tried to give me a makeover.

Trent: Was it, like, the Fashion Club or Brooke and her friends?

Daria: Couldn't tell you.

Trent: Um. (beat. Then brightens) Hey, I have the music for that project you and Janey were working on ready.

Daria: Trent, that project was due years ago.

Trent: Oh yeah. The nineties. (beat) Seems like a million years ago.

Daria: (losing patience) Trent? Could you help me with my boot?

Trent: Used to play the Zon all the time. We were criminales in those days. At least Max said so. Now I wouldn't go there if you paid me. They just book these BoysRGuys clones when it's not a DJ. (beat. Notices Daria) Hey Daria. What you doing?

Daria: (sarcastic) Waiting for my close up, Mr. DeMille. (struggles with her boot some more)

Trent: Shouldn't you, like, take off your boots every day?

(etc...)

Scissors MacGillicutty