"Daria... we have something to tell you sweetie..." Helen started nervously.

Daria watched her parents with a closed off expresion. After a nod Helen continued. "Sweetie, your father and I have decided it's time to tell you, you're not Jake's biological daughter."

Daria's jaw dropped in shock before she asked quietly, "W...who is?"

Helen waved to the doorway, where Tony Blair walked in.

Angelboy

...with Bill Clinton right behind him, a big smile on his face.

"Uh, Quinn," said Helen, "there's something we have to tell you, too."

Dennis

Daria looked up with malice at the lovely Slavic woman who headed up the gang of Latervian white slavers that had grabbed her.

"I suppose I should introduce myself," the woman said lazily, pouring herself a drink as she looked Daria over, shackled in leg irons, handcuffs and a Victoria's Secret negligee as she sat on the couch. "I am Valeria Pisdtoff. This is my home... and you will now be one of us."

Despite her situation, Daria had to laugh. "That's your name? Really?"

Valeria sighed, and took another sip of her drink. "It is a fine name, passed down for seventeen generations, and all in the same trade - the selling of fantasy for profit. It has made my family line wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice, and allowed us to expand into many other ventures over the years..."

"Still," she said, smiling as she let her dark eyes play across Daria, "it is the family business. You'll be happy here. Eventually."

"You're nothing but a family of madams and pimps."

"As the story you were writing would have said. Don't you know there are far too many people who don't want your work seen? Oh, well... with your intelligence, I'm sure that we have something else worthy of your talents waiting for you... and even better, no one will ever treat you as badly as they did back in America."

Valeria finished her drink, and then turned to Daria, who gasped as she saw the woman's fangs extend. "Welcome to the family, Daria. In time, you'll see that it is better to be Pisdtoff... than pissed on."

Brother Grimace

"You know," Jane said, "Of all the things Trent could have done after Mystic Spiral broke up, I can honestly say that 'Professional Tom Jones Impersonator' was not on my list."

"Still," Daria replied, as Trent crooned his way through 'It's Not Unusual', "He's not bad."

WacoKid

That's Not How You Spell UVULA
A Ficlet by SteveBlumDeckler

Feeling refreshed after her shower, Daria returned to her room still in her robe and shut the door. As she was undoing her robe, suddenly the door opened and Quinn came rushing in.

Daria sighed with frustration. "Quinn, in a civilized country people knock first!" she snapped.

Quinn shut the door behind her. "Sorry. Daria, if I offered you twenty dollars would you . . . " she began. At that moment, Daria's robe fell open. Quinn lowered her gaze, and gasped. "Is that what I think it is?"

"They're called ladder piercings, Quinn," said Daria. "Four on each side. Need any help adding that up?"

"Mom and Dad are gonna freak!" said Quinn, almost shouting.

"I'd just as soon Dad never saw them," Daria replied.

SteveBlumDeckler

"Man, I'm so hungry," Trent moaned as the Tank sat stuck in a traffic jam. "Didn't we bring anything to eat?"

"Why didn't you get anything at the dinner?" Jane asked from the back of the van.

"I wasn't hungry then" Trent whined, "And if I'd spent any of the money you had given me, we wouldn't have had enough to get into Alterapalooza."

"I thought we had some granola bars in the glove box," Jesse asked from the shotgun seat.

"No, man, Max ate all of them last week." Trent sniffed, then smiled. "I know what I can eat."

His hand reached over to the seat next to him. Jane groaned and buried her face in her hands in shame. Daria could only watch wide-eyed as Trent groped Jesse's leg, grabbing at the long, tubular bulge running down his upper thigh, the same one Daria had been desperately trying to ignore for the entire trip.

"Dude! What are you doing?!" Jesse yelled in panic.

"Give it to me, man," Trent demanded, "You know what I want!"

"No! You can't have my sausage!"

"Damn it, your sausage has hijacked my brain! Now give it to me!"

"Fine!" Jesse cried tearfully as he started to unbuckle his belt. "If you want it so bad, you can have it!" He reached into his pants, pulled out his nine-inch sausage and slapped it into Trent's waiting hand.

"Yeah, that's just what I need," Trent said, peeling back the cover over the end and eagerly suffing it into his mouth, before biting down and tearing a good sized chunk off with his teeth.

Jesse just sat in the passanger seat and pouted. "I needed that for the girls at the festival, man."

"Relax," Trent said happily around a mouthful of dry summer sausage, "We'll stop at a gas station and you can buy a new one."

"It won't be the same," Jesse said saidly, "That one was perfect."

In the back of the Tank, Jane, who had been aware of Jesse's crotch-stuffing obsession as far back as middle school, could only shake her head in disaproival.

Daria, still in a mild state of shock, suddenly realized that she had to pee.

WacoKid

Daria couldn't believe it, despite all her efforts to the contrary... she had been voted most fashionable 2005.

Angelboy

Kevin didn't know how he was going to explain it to Brittany when the 8X10 glossie of Mrs. Stoller in complete dominitrix drag, with the note "Posture, QB, posture!" lovingly inscribed on the back, fell out of his locker...

Deceleraptor

"So how'd you like losing your virginity in the backseat of my brother's car with "F**k you like an Animal" playing on the cd player?" Jane smirked, peering across the room to Daria.

"I think I want to play the song "F**k you" right about now." She grumbled.

ioxmo

The fashion club learned a couple valuable lessons the day that Sandi took a flying leap off her house. One was to paint toenails in well ventilated areas, and two was that gravity works even on the popular. Finally three was that sometimes thinking for yourself is a good thing, and might save you a couple months with a broken leg.

Angelboy

"So how'd you like losing your virginity in the backseat of my brother's car with "F**k you like an Animal" playing on the cd player?" Jane smirked, peering across the room to Daria.

"I would have been fine with it if you would have quit singing along. You're as tone deaf as a rusty hinge," Daria grumbled. "And why did you and Trent have to be there anyway? Normally I wouldn't mind, but Ethan and I kind of wanted to be alone for this."

Greystar

Primarily, though, Sandi was annoyed to learn that, while the rest of the Fashion Club could fly, she was strictly earthbound.

Ranger Thorne

Daria knew that the water fountains had been laced with LSD when she saw Mr. DeMartino run naked through the hall, screaming "Attica! Attica!"

Ms. Kinnikufan

The entirety of Lawndale High knew it was going to be a bad day when Mr. O'Neill showed up with an AK-47 singing about something snapping.

Angelboy

"I can honestly say," Jane said, "That never in my life have I seen - or expected to see - a singing gun."

WacoKid

The banging on the door was loud enough to rattle the windows.

"Open up! This is the police!"

The banging rang out again as he pulled the curtain back a bit.

"Open up, Ruttheimer! Don't make us break the door down!"

"Yoicks!" said Upchuck, "it's those butch female cops from the parade!" He pulled the curtain back full and screamed, "You'll never take me alive, you flat-footed haridens!"

The door flew open and banged against the wall as Upchuck took to his heels up the staircase. "I sincerely hope," he muttered under his breath, "that you didn't forget the ball-gag and whips THIS time!"

Deceleraptor

After living in Lawndale for several years, Daria though that there was nothing that would shock her any more. Between psychotic security obsessed principles, extremely neurotic and unstable teachers, walking talking personifications of holidays, giant plastic strawberries, and Artie building up a resistance to weirdness was a requirement for staying sane. Those that didn't, either moved away or became crazy themselves, adding to the strangeness that seemed to surround the superficially quiet town. It was actually quite a nice self-sustaining cycle, and Daria made a mental note to devote more time to thinking about it as soon as she picked her jaw off her ground and kick started her brain into a more functional state.

“Engaged?” Veronica's indignant cry jolted Daria out of her daze. She could tell her younger sister was upset. To the untrained eye, Veronica was just wearing her perpetual scowl. However a hundred little things, the quickness of her pulse, the shortness of her breath, the hardness of her voice, betrayed the distress she was feeling. “How could you engage us to someone you never even met?”

“Well, he was a really good friend of ours, and we didn't want to drift apart. Helen and I thought it was a good idea at the time!” Jake Morgendorffer said in a whining voice. If that hadn't given away his distress, the cold sweat on his forehead and the pleading look in his eyes would. He had never been all that assertive, and after Helen's death things had only gotten worse. Right now, he looked like he was ready to pass out at any moment.

Quinn was the only one seemingly unaffected by this news. Either she was in shock, or she simply decided that there was no way in the nine hells that she would marry this Ethan person. Seeing as Quinn's little scams hinged on the ability to respond to the utterly impossible, the latter was the much more likely choice. “After all,” Daria thought “she hasn't listened to any of us for over two years now, why should she start now?” The wave of bitterness that followed was suppressed with years of practiced ease.

“Anyway,” Jake seemed to have rallied his nerve and was talking as fast as possible before it ran out “Ethan's grown up to be a fine young man. He's been all over the world learning all sorts of martial arts so he should fit in pretty well here. I'm sure that one of you girls will like him!” He was met by three stares, one furious and burning with anger, one cold and contemptuous, and the last calm and calculated. Under this kind of pressure, he quickly wilted and hastily made his retreat, mumbling something about “be here soon” and “hope the rain lets up.”

Now with ample time to absorb and digest the new and disturbing information, Daria sat down at the kitchen table and began bending her prodigious mind onto the problem on how to escape from this engagement. “If mother really supported it,then there was no way that father would call it off. If Quinn is stupid enough to use her sex appeal to influence the decision, then getting Ethan to choose her wouldn't be too hard. Veronica may be out of the running altogether, depending on Ethan's age. I should be able to exude enough unattractiveness to eliminate her, but if Quinn and Veronica both realize that I'm the biggest threat and double-team me, then this could end badly.” Further ruminations on how to subtly convince Veronica that Quinn was planning a double-cross was interrupted by the doorbell ringing.

“There they are!” cried Jake and, showing more alacrity than he ever had in Daria's recent memory, he bounded to the door and threw it open. Standing outside was a tall, fairly athletic looking girl with shoulder length brown hair. She was dressed in black T-shirt with no design, and a pair of jeans. Daria could feel Quinn wince, as the unfashionableness struck her like a physical blow. The girl didn't notice, as she was too busy alternating between fidgeting, and glancing to the side at the panda rummaging through a large backpack. Finally she decided to extend her hand to grasp Jake's, who had been expectedly waiting for several seconds now.

“Hi,” she said in a carefully neutral tone. “I'm Ethan Yeager. It's nice to meet you.”

“It's nice to meet you, Ethan my boy!” Jake cried entusi . . .

Wait.

Pause.

Rewind.

Girl. Panda. A GIRL called Ethan. A panda that's looking through a backpack. You could almost hear an audible *thunk* as four jaws hit the floor at the same time.

“I know this is hard to explain,” Ethan said, as the three girls all began to silently pray that (s)he wasn't a transvestite. “So you should probably look closely.” Finally, the panda seemed to find what it was looking for and pulled out a thermos. Unscrewing the top, it dumped some water on both itself and the girl. Within the blink of an eye, instead of a panda and a girl, there was a middle aged man with graying hair and a mustache, and a young man with shoulder length brown hair.

As the middle aged man (presumably Coyote Yeager) began on some sort of explanation involving cursed Chinese springs, Daria knew that as strange as life was before, it was going to get a whole lot stranger.

Yogi

Daria knew things had gone terribly, terribly, wrong when Satan emerged out of a firey pit during the mandatory pep rally.

Ms. Kinnikufan

Daria already knew it was going to be a great day.....thats when the runs started.

A.J.

This is going to be hard to explain. Thought Andrew as the heads of former leaders of clubs fell out of the closet at Jodie's feet.

Angelboy

Helen looked hesitantly at what appeared to be the main dish for dinner while Jake happily ladeled great heaping scoops of whatever it was onto the girls dish. Off of the quizzical looks from the girls, she got out of her chair and went over to the kitchen counter where she read the recipie that Jake was working off of.

"I know you like to cook, Jakey, really I do," Helen said in a voice of long suffering. "I mean, the corned pork was all right for what it was, and the kitchen sink stew, well I can understand you wanting to try that, and you did the best you could with the hot dogs but. . ."

"But what, honey?" Jake asked as he removed his apron and sat down to dig in.

"Well...Jakey, could you please explain to me why the hell you decided to try a recipe for ...Deep Fried Muppet????"

Greystar

Quinn thought of all the homework and coursework as she crawled under the principal's desk and forced herself to lean towards Angela's bare crotch, bracing herself for the taste 'no more homework, no more homework, no more homework' she thought over and over again as she stuck out her tongue and made contact.

psychotol

This is going to be hard to explain...Thought Jane as the blivet tumbled out of her locker, followed by the Penrose Triangle that Grandpa Lane brought back from The War.

Ranchoth

"Aw, dad!" Jodie squealled. "You have remembered mom's birthday! Mom!"

Belatedly, Andrew remembered that among Michelle's culture severed heads are equal to flowers, and as Michelle quickly approached him, he realized that she was rather horny...

It looked like little Evan was going to stop being the family's baby quicker than anyone thought.

Bacner

The Lawndale Lions could never understand how they ever won a game before they hired Diane Bennet to write their plays for them.

Angelboy

"GAAAH! SQUIRRELS! HUNDREDS OF THEM!"

"Jake, calm down! It's only a movie!"

"But the squirrels are scary, Helen! And that man is freaking me out too!"

"Honestly, Jake, you're the only person I know who can be emotionally crippled by 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'."

atimnie

This is going to be a bad day, Daria thought, willing herself not to approach her mother's Range Rover as it sat quivering alone in the parking lot, with steamed-up windows, her mother's unmistakable cries of passion and something crying out 'AFLAC!" into the night...

Brother Grimace

Daria looked up at the front of the cafatria one more time, trying to explain what she was seeing.

'Ok high school was strange, but this is just wrong..."

She wondered when someone had written new laws of the universe as Upchuck finished the last few lines of his song.

"Thank you, and happy five year renuion everybody!

As he left the stage he wondered 'Who knew "Kevvy Doesn't Know" would be such a big hit. Too bad they didn't have that song when we where in school'.

Staren

Jodie sighed as she looked over Daria's new schedule. "You know Daria... you really shouldn't take on so many extra curricular activities... I don't think it's healthy."

Angelboy

Daria looked suspiciously at her daily food ration. She mourned the pollution that had destroyed the farmlands that had once produced fresh food. She recoiled at the overpopulation that caused the strict rationing of what was left. She viewed with horror the cynicism of a government that would award the food contract to the very chemical companies that had destroyed the world of her youth.

And given the disastrous Donner-party ending to the last Morgendorffer family vaction, she alone knew the terrible secret hidden in that too-familiar taste. Wow, she thought. Soylent green really is people.

Dennis

Daria decided to end it all. So she shot herself.

"Hoooray!" went the supporting cast.

Ms. Kinnikufan

'Excellent - a new ho' fo' my stable!' Tyrone Frankenstien cried out, looking over the still-warm body, and stepping aside as her sphincter voided itself. 'Charles, Artie - take her to the castle, wash her good and proper... take your time, boys, I know you want to... and then, deliver her to my library!'

He turned to Mack, and gave him a check that, when Mack looked at it, made him go weak in the knees. 'Pimping ain't easy, cousin Mack - but with brothas like you always scoutin' prime talent - it's not that bad!'

Brother Grimace

As Beavis and Butthead commenced to spank their monkeys in Mr. Anderson's tool shed, Daria quietly locked the door with a new, bolt-cutter resistant lock, and put her hands softly on the door.

"Farewell, you two," she whispered, "I'm going to miss you when I get to Lawndale... not!"

She then bent down and lit the whistling chasers she'd stuffed under the tool shed's door...

Deceleraptor

Rachel knew it was going to be a wonderful life when Jodie and Evan suddenly bursted into flames...

Ms. Kinnikufan

This is going to be a bad day... Helen thought as she saw Morris the Cat and the Aflac duck getting down and finicky in her SUV.

A.J.

--My cousin.

Slap!

--My sister!

Slap!

--My cousin!

Slap!

--My sister!

Slap!

--She's my cousin and my sister!

Scissors MacGillicutty

Stacy: I'm not sure that the treatment is working Doctor...

Sandi: Like don't call me that Stacy...

Angelboy

"You make me feel so young," Sang Quinn, visibly de-aging as the underage kid at the table near the stage floor filled out and then wrinkled up, "You make me feel there are still songs to be sung."

Ben Breeck

Daria sat in front of a microphone in the darkened coffee shop, her waist-lenght hair draping over her black, long-sleeved turtle neck down to where her gray plaid midi skirt began. Her legs were in black stockings that matched the black mary-janes, and she held a Martin guitar with a natural maple soundboard and mahogony neck. She leaned forward to the mike, then peered out over the audience through her granny glasses and said, "Are we finished setting the scene yet? Because this damned turtleneck is scratchy and costumes made the m-j's one size too small. We are? Good." She mouthed the word, "Jerk," then added, "Can I get on to the joke now? Thank you.

"This next song is one I wrote while walking in Washington Square, watching the beautiful people and thinking about that mess in Viet Nam, when the epiphany came." The small but loyal audience cheered. They knew which one was coming. "So now I'd like to do the one you've all been waiting for, 'I Believe Peace Will Come in My Life if Those Power Mad Freaks in Washington Get Off Their Dead Asses and Made Love Not War.' Feel free to sing along..."

Deceleraptor

As her date started to leave Daria grabbed his hand and begged. "Please don't break up with me. We're so good together. Can't you see that I love you? Please I'll pay you any amount you name, just don't leave me."

Charles Rutthiemer the Third sighed and pulled his hand out of Daria's before turning to leave again. "I'm sorry Daria, but I just don't love you. I'm sure you'll find someone better."

Daria stared at Charles's retreating form as tears rolled down her cheeks. "Was I too emotional Charles?"

Angelboy

Daria knew her evil schemes were working when Kevin died of severe brain injuries following a demostration of how to stop a brick useing one's own head, Ms. Li suddenly burst into flames and the zombies of Beavis and Butthead began to terrorize the fashion club...

Ms. Kinnikufan

"At last," Jake said, emerging from the hole in the ground, face flushed with victory and covered in dirt. "I will lead the mutant mole people to victory over our hated enemies, the squirrels."

"Uh, Dad," Daria started to say, "I think you need to lay off the mart—" The word died on her lips as she saw the first furry, hunched figure emerge behind him.

Dennis

Jake had nothing against squirrels until that camping trip shortly after Quinn was born...
(warning: mildly gross)

http://www.gibbleguts.com/html/squirrel-hazard.html

Derek

The squirrel pummeled Jake, and as Jaime White came running across the lawn, yard rake raised high, he was sent sprawling as he got a taste of serious hind paw, glowing with a scarlet hue!

As Jake struggled to stay conscious, he saw Jaime laying out cold on the lawn, and tried to rise when the squirrel stomped back towards him.

'Now, I'm gonna ask you one more time - who's the Master?'

When Jake didn't answer, the squirrel plunged his face into a puddle of collected rain water - and suddenly, Jake saw faces before him:

The Black cook from Buxton Ridge...

'There is one place that you have not looked - and it is there, only there - that you shall find the Master!'

A younger Helen, looking down at him...

'You sure look like a Master to me...'

The squirrel jerked Jake's head out of the water...

'All right, Morgendorffer - who's the one and only Master?'

'I am.'

The squirrel screamed as he threw a punch at Jake's face, and squealed loudly as Jake stopped his tiny fist in a hand surrounded in a spectacular golden glow!

'I... AM!'

Brother Grimace

As he started to leave Daria grabbed his hand and begged. "Please don't break up with me. We're so good together. Can't you see that I love you? Please I'll pay you any amount you name, just don't leave me."

Mack sighed and pulled his hand out of Daria's before turning to leave again. "Daaaaamn! Baby, you is wack! Sweet Christmas! Jump back, gotta kiss m'self! Dy-No-Mite!"

Suddenly, gunshots rang out and Mack's corpse crumpled to the floor.

Across the room, Brother Grimace fell to his knees, the smoking gun still in his hand.

"Why, God?!" He cried, "Why did you make me have to do that?!"

And God looked down and said, "Bling Bling."

WacoKid

As he started to leave Daria grabbed his hand and begged. "Please don't break up with me. We're so good together. Can't you see that I love you? Please I'll pay you any amount you name, just don't leave me."

Mack sighed and pulled his hand out of Daria's before turning to leave again. "I'm sorry, Daria, but my heart belongs to Kevin."

"But, I thought Kevin was my boyfriend," a tearful Tom said from the next booth.

WacoKid

As he started to leave Daria grabbed his hand and begged "Please don't leave."

Trent turned around and asked "Why?"

Daria whipped out an impressive machine gun and filled Trent full of holes.

"Because those who break my heart get pumped full of lead mothaf****r!" She answered, giving his bleed corspe a kick.

Ms. Kinnikufan

"I don't know Daria... the plan seems a bit loopy..." Jane said with great care as she neared her manic friend.

"I'm telling you Jane, PLAN ONE. Is PERFECT!! I'll get each and every author from the "Scenes No Daria Fic Should Ever Have" trapped together and then shoot them to the moon without space suits."

"Umm... how about we go over the plan one more time then..."

"Certainly, first we hold a convention just for them, first class flights, four-star hotel accomidations, and then the large meeting the first night. We then seal the room, and pump in sleeping gas. After that we gather up the authors and stuff them into a rocket and fire it into outerspace. And I have it timed that we cannot fail to miss the moon!!!" Daria said with a manic glint gleaming in her eyes.

"Alright Amiga, let's do this." Jane said with a heavy sigh agreeing that the scenes had to stop before something happens that should never happen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~One Week Later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jane and Daria enter the Lane basement blackened and covered in burn marks. "I'm glad we're cartoons Jane... but we failed."

Jane sighed heavily. "Yes, plan one failed because of TAG's penguin legion having gas masks at the ready."

Daria sighed and went to the wall and ripped down plan one. "Onto Plan Two then.

Angelboy

"I still can't picture you as a reporter for a music magazine, Daria, much less interviewing Bob Dylan," Jane said.

Daria nodded. "After all, Noise just started publishing last year. And the things he told me...." her voice trailed off.

"Confessing to being a time traveller, for one thing." Jane just shook her head at the outrageousness.

"Yeah." Daria added, still slightly shocked. "Who knew 'Positively 4th Street' was about Quinn, and 'Idiot Wind' about Kevin."

"And 'Tangled Up in Blue' about your—"

Daria, expression fierce, barked, "If you value your life, Lane, you won't finish that sentence."

Dennis

Daria gasped as her lover climaxed and withdrew, sheathless. He rolled to her side as she attempted to resist scratching the itchy beads of sweat trickling down the side of her skull. Breathing very heavily in the afterglow, she asked:

"Was it good for you Anthony?"

The grounding sound of a zippo flint was heard.

"Yes...oh yes, very much so!" he said with gusto as he inhaled deeply.

Closing her eyes, she rubbed against his salt-and-pepper chest hairs.

"So do I pass now?" She asked as she stretched froward, over his chest, as if she were a baby wanting food.

"You can bet on it!" he said as he offered the cigarette to her.

She wrapped her soft lips around it, much like she had done earlier to an appendage, and sucked hard to draw out the rich, tobacco smoke.

"Good...I thought...you'd change your...mind." She mumbled as she coughed out the smoke.

Without looking, she reached to a nightstand behind her and dropped a piece of paper into a nearby trashcan. Across the top of the paper read: 59% F. Incomplete assignment

ioxmo

"In the jungle,
Welcome to the jungle,
Watch it bring you to your
Sha-na-na-na-na knees! knees!
Whohhh, I wanna watch you bleed!"

As she continued to wave her baton, Daria stole a glance over her shoulder at the auditorium. She could see by the pretty colors Ms. Li's face was turning that she was beginning to regret having Daria sub for the striking choir director.

Deceleraptor

As Daria started up the next song Upchuck came onto stage dressed as James Bond, while chior lifted up their voices in song.

"See reflections on the water
more than darkness in the depths
see him surface in every shadow
on the wind I feel his breath

Goldeneye I found his weakness
Goldeneye he'll do what I please
Goldeneye no time for sweetness
but a bitter kiss will bring him to his knees"

While the chior sings Upchuck goes into a secret agent motions including using a paintball pistol to splatter Ms. Li with red paint, matching the color she was already turning.

Angelboy

Daria was very upset to walk into Lawndale High onlt to find Mr. DeMartino, UpChuck, Ms. Bennet, Kevin, Ms. Li, Ms. Barch, 12 koalas, an eggbeater, and several angst lords in an orgy.

"Damn it, how dare you not invite me! I'm gonna crash anyway!" Daria disrobed and covered herself in Crisco.

Ms. Kinnikufan

Daria stood stock still as the great reptillian monster advanced on her. It lowered its massive head toward her, the smoke from its mouth excaping through the great, dagger like teeth.

As it opened it's mighty jaw, she felt the trickle run down her leg. She knew it would do no good to run. The creature's wings raised in triumph, then it spoke:

"Hey, amiga, did I tell you I came up with a killer costume for Halloween or what?!?"

Deceleraptor

"I love you too, mom." Daria muttered into the static-laden microphone, "It's time."

It turned red.

"Be ..." Helen began to respond before drowning in static.

Daria sighed and tried to exhale all the fear she had.

"Soon..." She thought.

It turned yellow. She tensed and grabbed the wheel firmly with both her ribbed gloves.

"Do or die..." She muttered.

Green!

VroooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM

ioxmo

"Lord amighty, that war a fine hoe-down the Holy Whirlers was a-puttin' on," said Jimmy White into the folk-song professor's microphone, "Until ole Tommy Lee Sloane caught his sweetie, Daria Jean a-sparkin' the banjo player, Sleepy Trent Lane I reckon was his name, Janie Sue's big brother. Well, Tommy Lee done up an' heaved a big ole jug o' 'shine at th' pair of 'em, missed an' caught Tiffany Lou right upside the haid, an' you know she didn't need no more damage up thar, hyuck! Anyways, that got ole Sandy Jo to raisin' some sand and she made Skyler Boy go over there to whomp Tommy Lee upside th' haid, an' Elsie June didn't take too kindly to that, an' it kindly degenerated after that, and that's whut done got me to thinkin' o' this hyar song I'm a-gonna sing fer ye."

He plucked a slow rhythm on his guitar and began to sing:

"On top of ole Smoky
All covered with snow
I lost my true lover
Fer a-courtin' too slow,

"Now courtin's a pleasure
But partin's a grief..."

"WAIT a minute Mr. WHITE, what in PLUperfect HELL is there about a RIOT that REMINDS you of a LOVE song?" asked Prof. DeMartino.

Jimmy sat for a while, scratched his head, then said, "I can't terectly say. Reckon it's cause it's sich a romantic song, an' it all started cause o' a lovers spat." He paused a moment, then added, "Perfesser, ye shouldn't ought'n'ta be a-doin' that, that there hick'ry tree's liable t' put a dent in yore head-bone."

Deceleraptor

Jane knew it was going to be a bad day when Daria arrived at school dressed in tight, black leather, cleats, carrying a whip and singing "The Masochism Tango".

Derek

As Daria looked at the tiny creatures staring up at her from around her boots, she had to realize that she had stumbled on something mystical and unexplainable. Squating down to study the creatures closer she smiles and pets one on the head getting a pleased hiss in response. Daria had found the opossum fields.

"Now where's King Opie?"

Angelboy

Daria found it increasingly difficult to keep people from discovering her double life as "The Black Widow" when she won the Men's World Heavyweight Championship at Wrestlemania last month.

"DARRRRRIA! Why are you wearing a big gold belt underneath your jacket?"

"Ummmmmmm.....to keep my skirt up?"

"Mom and Dad are gonna freak!"

Daria then proceeded to show Quinn the submission hold that put Hulk Hogan on the shelf for 9 years.

"Daria! What happened to Quinn?", their mother screamed.

"Bad reaction to a silk thong."

A.J.

Daria began to suspect that her new neighbors were really space aliens, and not from France like they claimed.

Deceleraptor

Daria [upset]: I kissed your boyfriend.

Jane: What?

Daria: I kissed your boyfriend. I didn't mean to.

Jane [puzzled]: Who the heck are you talking about?

Daria: [also puzzled] Uh . . . Tom.

Jane: Oh! Him! [laughs] I am so over him. He's yours. If there's anything left after my new boyfriend's finished with him, that is.

Daria [wide-eyed]: What?

[Meanwhile, at stately Sloane Manor...]

Tom [answering door]: Hello?

Mr. T [after punching Tom across the room] I pity the fool who messes with my new girlfriend, Jane! Yo' ass is mine! [beats Tom for five minutes]

Elsie [walks in room]: Tom? Tom! Who's your sexy new pal?

Mr. T: A two-for-one sale! I pity the fool who turns this one down! [grabs Elsie and walks out the door] Back to Jane's for a time-out!

Elsie: Bye, Tom! Don't wait up!

The Angst Guy

Daria: Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet a wonderful young man that I met at school. He's an transfer student from England, his friend Ron is the one dating Jane.

Helen: Alright sweetie, let's see him.

Jake: Yeah that's great kiddo, let's meet him.

Daria walks out of the room and returns with Rubeus Hagrid.

Daria: Mom, Dad, meet Hagrid, my new boyfriend.

Angelboy

Daria: I kissed your boyfriend.

Tom: What?

Scissors MacGillicutty

Helen: Oh, my God!

Hagrid: Helen! It can't be!

Daria: What's going on?

Helen: You're dating my ex-husband, damn it!

The Angst Guy

Jake: Gahdammit!

Hagrid: Jake? What're the odds?

Daria: What's going on?

Helen: Yes Jake, what is going on now?

Jake: Hagrid was a childhood friend I "experimented" with, before my old man sent me off to military school.

Angelboy

Quinn [entering room]: Daddy, can I borrow your gold card and go to--HAGRID!

Hagrid [claps hand over face]: No! It isn't possible!

Daria [claps hands over ears]: Don't say it!

Quinn: Bitch, get your big ass back out on the street and start making some magic with that wand of yours before I slap you all the way back to Hogwarts!

Hagrid [hurrying away]: Yes, Mistress!

Quinn: And I'm taking an extra twenty percent off your next ten tricks for dating my sister!

The Angst Guy

Daria: This can't get any worse.

[doorbell rings]

Hagrid [at the door]: I'll get it! I was leaving, anyway.

[Hagrid opens the door, sees no one, then looks down]

Hagrid: Opie!

Opie the Opossum: Daddy! [sees Daria behind him] And Mommy!

Daria: Uh oh.

The Angst Guy

Mr. T: And since I pity you fool, you can take this other damn fool off my hands.

<Murdock walks in>

Murdock: <singing> Ohhhhhhhhh, Dannnnnnnnny Boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tom: It's Tom. Aw hell, it aint all bad. Come here, sugar.......

A.J.

A.J. celebrated his 1000th post by watching as Daria and Quinn got into a french kissing contest with each other.

"First one out loses"

"Ready, set, GO!"

With the winner getting a go at the only true man in either of their lives... their father!

"Hot damn! Ol' Jakey's gettin some tonight!"

A.J.

Helen [pointing at Opie]: Daria! How?!?

Daria: You've got to understand, Momma, he's a magic man.

Veronica [Coming in]: Hagrid!!!

Hagrid: Oh, hullo, Ronnie.

Veronica [Hugging Hagrid around the leg]: The only person who can see me!!!

Daria: Hagrid, who are you talking to?

[Opie sniffs curiously in Veronica's general direction, gets confused and decides to "play possum."]

Jake: Omigod! My grandson's dead! [looks confused] Or is that... gradndaughter?

Helen: Jake! For God's sake!

Deceleraptor

SCENE #1:

Daria knew it was going to be one of those days when Jane locked the door to her padded-cell bedroom, whipped out a pack of playing cards, and suggested that they play a game of solitaire to pass the time.

|-DISCONTINUITY-|

Daria knew it was going to be one of those days when she woke up, looked at the newspaper, and found out that Ms. Li had been assassinated.

===

SCENE #2:

"So, listen, Daria? I was with you when you told me that you were really Elizabeth Bathory, and that your family were a bunch of hypnotized drones designed to cover for your immortality."

"Got to love blood tests."

"I didn't flinch when you suggested that I start bathing in the blood of virgins so I could join you in eternal life."

"It's not every century I find a best friend, is it?"

"I was even cool with it when you told me I'd have to slit their throats myself."

"Well, you can't make an omelette without bleeding a few teenagers like stuck pigs."

"Yeah, yeah. There's just one thing that I'm really dying to find out."

"Yes, Jane?"

"How in the hell did you know the Fashion Club were all eligible?"

"It was a lucky guess?"

"Nice try, Countess. After five centuries, you'd think you could at least learn how to lie convincingly. Sheesh."

"Okay, okay. It was the hidden cameras in their bedrooms and bathrooms, the locker rooms at Lawndale High, and the back seat of every eligible male's car in Lawndale."

"Please don't remind me about that last part, amiga. I remember when you showed me that tape from the Tank, and I'm not sure, but I think you broke my brain with it. Frankly, I don't know that I want to live forever now."

"Hey, up yours, Lane. How was I supposed to know Trent and Mr. DeMartino liked cruising around Dega Street and tag-teaming hookers in the back of the Tank?"

===

SCENE #3:

"Come to me, Daria."

Daria blinked twice as the television set began talking to her with Tom's voice. The top and sides of the old Magnavox began to pulse in and out as if the set were breathing, and she wasn't entirely sure, but she thought she saw veins and arteries flowing beneath the black plastic frame.

"Come to me," it said again.

"That's it," she said. "I need a new [bleep] agent. And you can forget all about seeing my [bleep] 'new' flesh, buddy." She stalked out of the Morgendorffers' living room and slammed the door behind her.

Bubba-Ho-Tep

"See, Daria," Jane yelled over the loud music, "I told you the annual Lawndale High School Drunken Barn Dance would be fun!"

Daria continued to feel uneasy, and Jane's continuous sucking back jello shooters wasn't helping at all.

The squeeling sounds of Brittany, across the room, riding a mechanical bull while waving her blouse over the top of her head, wasn't helping either.

"Come on, Daria" Jane said, "This is the once chance a year for us underage types to get totally wasted and not get in trouble. Live a little!" She shoved a shotglass of tequilla into her amiga's hand.

"I don't want to," Daria pouted. "I don't feel like getting drunk. And don't you think this is kind of irresponsible? I mean, all these drunken teenagers ...."

Daria waved to the surrounding mob. Mack and Jodie were bumping and grinding out on the dance floor, while Upchuck raced around with a lamp shade on his head. Kevin and some of the other football players were having a power drinking contest, seeing who could shotgun an entire keg the fastest. Several of the cheerleaders were having an impromptu wet t-shirt contest, with Ted happily spraying them down with beer. Andrea was up on a table, following Brittany's example and dancing in just her bra and panties.

"Come on, Daria, lighten up. They're just blowing off steam. Everyone needs to once in a while, even you."

Across the room, Quinn and Stacy were 'blowing off steam' by making out, as a dozen guys cheered them on. Sandi might have said something about upholding the dignity of the Fashion Club, had she not been busy licking tequilla off of another guy's chest.

"I think my pressure level is just fine," Daria said with annoyance. "Shouldn't a party like this have chaperones?"

Jane just waved to the upper loft, where Barch had O'Neill in a lip lock with his pants down around his ankles, showing off his Care Bears boxer shorts.

At that point, Trent and the rest of Mystic Spiral walked up.

"Hey, Daria," he purred, "Great party, huh?"

"Trent? What are you doing here."

"The Drunken Barn Dance is always a great scene. We come here every year."

"Yeah!" Max crowed. "It's a great place to score with drunken high school girls!"

"Yeah!" Jesse echoed, causing the two to start high-fiving each other.

Nick, busy sparking up a J, said nothing. Trent ignored them.

"Can I get you a beer, Daria." His big eyes looked so soulful, making Daria melt a little.

"I don't really drink," she stammered.

"You'd look cool with a beer," he smiled.

She blushed.

"Um, ok, I guess," she murmured.

Trent handed her a beer, and, not wanting to disapoint him, Daria drank it down as fast as she could.

"You're the coolest high schooler I know," Trent said, before handing her a pair of jello shooters.

She sucked them down without pause.

Then he brought out a bottle of tequilla.

Daria didn't remember much after that.

(Now if only I could figure out how to have this end.)

WacoKid

Trent looked down. "Daria, you owe me a shirt."

RLobinske

Well, it all ended with Trent throwing an oversized bottle of José Cuervo at Tom's head, which missed and hit Tiffany...

Wait a minute, I'm getting a definite feeling of deja vu here...

"That's because you're stealing from yourself, stud," said Amy. "Here, have another jello shooter."

MY GOD! I'M TRAPPED IN MY OWN MARY SUE FICLET! HEEELLP! [Looks at Amy, who winks] Uh, wait a minute... Ignore the cry for help, I'll be okay.

Now go away [Amy grins and sidles closer* as the camera fades out.]

*Yeah, I know, in my dreams...

Deceleraptor

Ending #1

Daria gradually drifted back to consciousness, wondering where the drumming was coming from. She soon realized it was coming from inside her head. Never having drank before, she was a total lightweight, and now had the Mother of All Hangovers to prove it.

As she sat up, Daria realized she was in the back of the Tank.

In a sleeping bag.

Naked.

And there was someone else next to her.

A male someone else.

Daria felt a sense of growing panic that, coupled with her hangover, was about to make her vomit. It took every ounce of willpower she had to force herself to calm down and take stock of the situation without panicing.

OK, she thought. I got drunk at the dance. With Trent. And now I'm in the back of the van used by Trent and his friends. I'm naked and there is a man in here with me.

She looked over at the sleeping body next to her. It was completely covered by a blanket, with only a bit of black hair sticking up from the top.

Trent, she decided. I got drunk and did something with Trent.

She took stock of her body. There was some soreness down below.

I had sex with Trent.

And stickiness to.

I had unprotected sex with Trent. Damn.

Then she realized that she was sore in more than one place. And sticky in several.

Really freaky unprotected sex with Trent. She started to feel the panic coming back. God, what if he thinks I'm a slut now? How can I even look at him ever again?

Then another little voice started in.

But what if he liked it? Admit it, this is what you've been wanting (sort of). Go with it. You broke the ice, now make the most of it.

Daria nodded to herself. She'd do it. This would be the start of a real relationship with the guy who'd until now only been her crush and fantasy.

But first she really really had to pee.

She slid quietly out of the mass of sleeping bags and blankets, wrapping one around her, and inched her way to the van door.

As the door opened and the sun shone in, the body under the blankets stirred.

Daria froze.

The body yawned and sat up. He looked around briefly and spotted Daria, then he smiled a big smile.

"Hey, Daria, you were, like, really wild last night. I should've asked you out a long time ago."

Daria screamed and ran out the door of the van.

Kevin lay back and put his hands behind his head. "Yeah, ladies love the QB."

WacoKid

Daria leaned in close to her new friend smiling at the brunette that was seated beside her. Witty, smart and fun to be around was this new girl to the school.

"I think we're almost done with our homework." The brunette said quietly to Daria as Daria draped her arm over the brunette's shoulder. With a small smile Daria kissed the brunette's shoulder on the cheek gently. "I'm glad you invited me over love."

Daria gave a small please smile as she cuddled in close to the brunette's neck gently. "I'm glad you weren't taken by that red headed Weasley, Hermonie. Just think, people thought we both were after Harry, when we wanted each other."

Angelboy

Daria and Jane lay on the grassy side of a hill, watching as an ICMBM leaps from its silo and climbs to the sky.

"This'll teach 'em," says Jane.

"Yep. Intercontinental Ballistic 'Mater Bomb Missile, sent with love to the PPMB Creative Writing forum."

"They'll pay for all they've done."

They watched the missile climbing.

"I just wonder..." said Daria.

"What's than, amiga?"

Daria paused to collect her thoughts. "If Angelinhel married Angelboy, whould that make their kid Angelinhelboy?"

"You desperatly need a hobby, Daria."

"Maybe." A pause. "Jane?"

"Yes."

"Is it my imagination, or is that missile arcing backward?"

"Ummmmm... maybe it's an optical illusion?"

"Jane?"

"Hmmm?"

"You didn't buy this from Acme, did you?"

"They're the only ones we could afford! Besides they offer toons a deep discount."

"Peachy. What's the yield?"

"Uh, three megabushels."

"Big Boys?"

"I think so."

Daria paused.

"Overripe?"

"Most likely."

Daria side and deadpanned, "Bring it on," as a wide scattering of red vegetables descended on them.

Deceleraptor

[Following up on my Quinn has an appendectomy scenario...]

(Dr. Davidson meets with Helen and a sick, bloated Quinn in his office.)

Dr. Davidson: (concern) How many days has she gone without a bowel movement?

Helen: Almost four, doctor. We've tried giving her Milk of Magnesia, but the gas just keeps building.

Quinn: (clutching her stomach) Ughhh...

Dr. Davidson: Unfortunately, post-operative constipation is not unusual. If she doesn't pass any stool within twenty-four hours, I'll arrange for a nurse to come by and give her an enema.

Quinn: What's an "enema"?

Dr. Davidson: Well, it's when...

******

(The next day...)

Jake: Qui-inn! Your nurse is here! Time for your enema!

Quinn: AGHHHHHH!!!!!!

Kara Wild

(Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany walk up to the Morgendorffers' house.)

Stacy: Sandi, do you really think it's a good idea for us to visit Quinn when she's still sick?

Sandi: Like, duh. Of course it is, Stacy. Only her bestest and truest friends would ignore her parents' orders to visit her at her worst... when the split-end count is at its highest.

(They knock, but there is no answer.)

Stacy: That's funny -- I just heard voices.

Sandi: The door's unlocked.

(She opens the door, and Stacy and Tiffany follow her inside.)

Sandi: Quinn?

Stacy: Quinn, are you home?

Tiffany: Quiiiiiiin?

(They creep toward the stairs. Sandi proceeds to walk up.)

Stacy: Sandi, I don't think we should do this...

Sandi: Come on, I hear something.

Tiffany: This is... really... creepy...

(As they reach the top of the stairs, they hear Quinn cry out.)

Stacy: Omigod! Quinn!

Quinn: (offscreen) Oh GOD! I'm not gonna make it!

(Suddenly there is a loud farting sound, and brown liquid splatters across the wall near Sandi.

Sandi/Stacy/Tiffany: EWWW!!!

Sandi: What's that smell?!

(Suddenly more brown liquid splatters the wall -- covering Sandi in the process.)

Sandi: (realizing) UghhhHHHHHH!!!!

Helen: (offscreen) You see? That enema wasn't so bad, was it?

Kara Wild

Quinn (offscreen): Wasn't so bad? It was great! May I have another?

RLobinske

Helen: Well, okay. But I just read the instructions and I don't think you're actually supposed to drink it this time....

Greystar

It was at that point, as the smell of human feces filled the air, that Tiffany realized she had a fetish for copraphilia.

"Tiffany, dear, why are looking at me like that, with your tongue hanging out? Eww, Tiffany, that is, like, so gross!"

atimnie

Quinn and Daria sat at the table at Outback. Daria looked over the menu but food was the last thing on Quinn's mind.

"Actually, Daria," said Quinn. "I didn't really ask you out so that we could catch up on college."

"Well," said Daria, "I tell you everything by e-mail anyway. You go to Pleasant U. I go to Raft. We only live ten miles apart. So I figured it was something else."

"It's about Dave," said Quinn.

Daria put the menu down. "Oh."

"Yeah," said Quinn, "I mean...things aren't going very well between me and Dave. I thought, oh, he's going to Raft and you're going to Raft and I'm going to Pleasant and we could get together and I could show him that I'm a big girl now and I'm not shallow anymore. I thought it was going to paradise...."

"...but it wasn't?" Daria didn't like where this was going.

"So then he starts getting all distracted, and putting me off, and not wanting to go out with me, and saying that he has graduate school to worry about. And then I happen to drive up to your apartment and I see Dave's car outside."

"Quinn, I've explained this a hundred times. Dave was visiting me because he wanted some information about how inflation rates had been calculated historically and he couldn't find the information over the Internet. He figured that I'd know -- "

" -- because you're the smartest person he knows. Yes, I've heard the explanations. Daria, I need to know -- "

" -- don't ask me this, Quinn. Don't go there."

"Daria," sighed Quinn, "are you sleeping with Dave behind my back?"

"NO!" said Daria. "No Quinn, I am not sleeping with Dave behind your back."

"Daa-ria," said Quinn, "now look. You're an adult, and I'm an adult. And you know that things haven't been the best between me and Dave. It's virtually over between us! Besides, I know Dave's handsome, and he's smart -- "

" -- I'm not sleeping with Dave, Quinn!-- "

" -- he's very witty and even you said that he was a great catch. I mean...I want to put this in the proper perspective. I can trust you, Daria! I know you'd tell me the truth!"

"I'm not sleeping with Dave, Quinn."

"Daria," said Quinn, gently grasping her sister's hands. "Daria, I remember the time when we hated each other! Times like this are different now! If Dave is interested in you, I need to accept it and move on! We need to share confidences! We need to come together as family and put this behind us? Please, please, can't you be honest with me?"

"I'm not -- "

"I love you, Daria. I really do. I would understand, really, I would! I would never hold it against you!"

Daria remembered how much of an effort Quinn had been making over the last few years. Maybe Quinn really meant what she said. And the burden she had been carrying these last few months was so great. Daria looked at her sister's eyes and saw only love.

"Quinn," said Daria, swallowing hard.

"Yes, sis?" asked Quinn.

Daria moaned. "Yes. Yes Quinn. I have been sleeping with Dave. I didn't mean to, I'm really sorry -- !"

Quinn smile looked like the paralyzed grin of rigor mortis. Behind Quinn's eyes, Daria would have sworn that she heard an ominous rumbling.

Before Daria knew it, Quinn was on her like a hungry jackal, crossing the space of the table in an eyeblink.

"YOU BITCH!! YOU BITCH FROM HELL!! I'LL KILL YOU!! AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!"

The two tumbled to the floor as customers fled and the wait staff tried to pry the two apart. Quinn had turned into an elemental force from hell, determined to pluck every hair from her sister's head

Meanwhile, at the bar, the two people who had moved heaven and earth to get Daria and Quinn to talk to each other watched.

"Wow, Jane," said Sandi. "I sure didn't see that coming!"

"I did," said Jane, as she sipped her Chardonnay. "So, what's new with you?"

Roentgen

"Fluffy," said Daria, "I kissed your boyfriend."

ioxmo

"Well," Sandi replied, "Trent and I got married in Vegas last weekend. And I'm having his baby."

WacoKid

"Dammit!!!" cried Jane as she fished out five 20$ notes, saying "I'll get the other 100$ to you by saturday"

Daria accepted the downpayment saying "see that you do"

"Dammit, now they're comming to us" said Jane.

"we're gonna smell them" groand Daria as she grabbed her nose.

they got up and rushed out the door past the four fashion club members, who had entered the pizzaria in dresses caked in dogmerde.

All because the laters issue of Waif had told them to.

At least,what Daria's fake issue of Waif had told them to.

"We had to abandon 95% of our extra large might meaty pizzas!" groused Daria.

Jane "Stupid Karma!" groused Jane.

psychotol

Hearing the music from her nightmares Daria fights the urge to sing along. Clamping down her hands over her mouth shut fights as hard as she can. As she finds she can't escape she starts singing with the rest of the group.

"This is the song that never ends.
It goes on and on my friends.
Someone started singing it not knowing what it was,
and they'll continue singing it forever just because,
This is the song that never ends.
It goes on and on my friends.
Someone started singing it not knowing what it was,
and they'll continue singing it forever just because,
This is the song that never ends.
It goes on and on my friends.
Someone started singing it not knowing what it was,
and they'll continue singing it forever just because..."

Seeing the psychological test as successful the scientists dump her into Lawndale where she keeps singing.

Angelboy

DARIA: Um... thank you. I'm not much for public speaking, or much for speaking, or, come to think of it, much for the public. And I'm not very good at lying. So let me just say that, in my experience, high school sucks. If I had to do it all over again, I'd have started advanced placement classes in preschool so I could go from eighth grade straight to college.

However, given the unalterable fact that high school sucks, I'd like to add that if you're lucky enough to have a friend that will betray you at the drop of a hat and a family that cares about almost anything besides you, it doesn't have to suck quite as much. Instead, it sucks more. These were the worst years of my life, and it's my right to complain endlessly about them in front of you all. (Pause.) Which I will now proceed to do.

The first such incident happened in 1983, after my 'darling' sister Quinn was born. As soon as she got home, I could tell my parents cared about her more than me. Maybe it was the gifts, maybe it was the attention, maybe it was just the...[Cut]

... And every time I wanted something, I had my simple requests denied, or if not, had to make enormous sacrifices. For example, my poster of Franz Kafka, I had to give up my Christmas and birthday presents to get that. Since then, it's been close to me, and maybe it's been worth it, but that's not the point. What about my needs? What about the individual in me struggling to get out? Why won't anyone under...[Cut]

... Making me miss the moment of a lifetime by having to respond to yet another 'Hey Daria'. It gets old, and no, I do not happen to have a football shaped head, or share any kind of resemblance to the cartoon series of the (almost) same name. It wasn't that funny the first time, and just became more inane from there. And that wasn't even the worst of the names I was given. 'Morgendorffer'. 'Morgendorffer' That one showed a lot of originality. But given the fact that the only alternative was 'Amiga', I can understand why. And no, I do not resemble the archaic computer of the same name. A simple 'Daria', without the 'Hey' or 'Yo!' would have been nice sometime, but only if delivered in the proper tone of voice. The many times you failed at that also come to mind, but I don't want to bore you all by listing them. Oh, wait, I do.

The first such instance occured.. [Cut] Making it the 746th and final indignity I suffered at the hands of Jane Lane. Some friend indeed. And as for advice, why should I give you any when you never gave me anything worthwhile? 'Live for the good times', 'Respect the beliefs of others', those hackneyed cliches must have taken a lot of effort. Probably the time spent between showering everyone but me with riches... [Cut]

And what I mean by all this, this lengthy recollection of my life and its many deep-rooted problems up to this point and beyond, is thanks. Thanks for everything.

[Utter silence.]

No really, I'm not being sarcastic. Why won't you believe me?

[More silence.]

Great, no response. Why do I even bother?

Gregor Samsa

Jane didn't know which was stranger: that Quinn was making out with Captain Kirk or that Daria was making out with Mr. Spock.

Hierargo

Sandi got to the top of the stairs and was surprised to see Daria coming out of her room, spitting blood.

"Quinn's cousin or something," she growled, "you'd better have, like, a good explanation or something for being in my room."

"Yeth, I do, Quinn'th friend or thomething," she said, sticking her tongue out to reveal two large and several small, bleeding puncture wounds at the tip, "I Frenth kithed your damn, ingrateful cat!"

Deceleraptor

Helen: storming into Daria's room extremely annoyed "DARIA, DID YOU MAKE QUINN AND HER FRIENDS BELEIVE THAT IT IS HEALTHY TO EAT BIRD FAECES FOR A BET???"

Daria: unfazed "yes?"

Helen: "HOW COULD YOU- oh, just remembered, Jane called, said she doesn't have 20,000$ right now, and wants you to pimp her to anyone Tom could think of that was loaded. ... where was i?"

Daria: "How could you?"

Helen: "Thanks, HOW COULD YOU BE SO PATENTLY IRRESPONSIBLE???"

Daria: "Practice."

psychotol

"So tell me, Lt. Sloane," Lt. Daria Morgendorffer asked the USS Enterprise D's newest officer, "why did yo join Starfleet."

"Well," he replied, "When I was growing up, Admiral James T. Kirk was my biggest hero."

She nodded. "A lot of the men say that."

"And," he continued, "I have a thing for women in uniform."

"Uh-huh," she said, raising an eyebrow.

"Want to see it?" he asked, waggling his own brows.

She blinked, then replied in perfect deadpan, "Lt., don't make me violate the Federations ideals of social harmony."

WacoKid

Daria felt overjoyed when people she didn't like suddenly burst into flames.

Hierargo

Sandi felt overjoyed when the unfashionable suddenly burst into flames.

atimnie

Suddenly all of Lawndale burst into flames, killing everybody. And the fanfic-writers were deeply saddened...

Hierargo

When Upchuck burst into flames all the female population of Lawndale burst into cheers of great joy.

Daria then slipped Ms. Barch a twenty for her services.

Angelboy

When Upchuck burst into flames all the female population of Lawndale burst into tears of great sadness.

WacoKid

Tinker Jane and Tinker Daria flutter into view both looking equally crossed.

Tinker Jane turning to Tinker Daria says, "Amiga, don't you know? That being a pixie doth blow? All the time, speaking in rhyme. Mad fanfic writers show, that this is not the way to go."

"When on I get my hands on Angelboy, he'll look like a used chewtoy. A new meaning of pain, will I teach him Jane. Beg for death will he, as I giggle with glee. Rend his flesh and break his bones, laughing with maniacal tones."

"Isn't he the one? The torments us for fun? Hooking you up with Hagrid now, for that he should take a bow. Make it easier for us, to run him over with a bus. I will make him pay, for every rhyme I do say."

"Find him we must first, to hurt him the worst. You search high, up in the sky. I'll search low, to see if I can follow. He must have a trail, so we can find him to flail. Hurt him we must do, so others will learn too. Mess with the cynical pair, you will suffer their maniacal flair. At least he didn't do Trent, or else I'd tell him to get bent."

Fluttering off the pair fail to notice a snoring Tinker Trent down below.

Angelboy

TINKER-TIFFANY: Do these wings make me look fat?

Hierargo

Tinker Mystic Spiral:

I want to fly like an eagle
To the sea
Fly like an eagle
Let my spirit carry me

Tinker Daria: "I never pegged Trent as a Steve Miller fan."

Tinker Jane: "Hm... I never pegged Steve Miller as a Melvins fan."

Tinker Daria: "True."

ad nauseam

The rest of the Fairy Fashion Club shouted, "No, they don't!"

"Ahem," said Tinker-Sandi, "on to club business! Tinker-Stacy?"

"I'm saddened to report that your cat, Fluffy, has just eatten Tinker-Jeffy, Tinker-Joey, and, er, Tinker-JuJu?"

Tinker Quinn sobbed, "That was Tinker-Jehosaphat!"

Tinker Tiffany patted her friend on the back, carefully avoiding the gauzy wings.

"That's okay, Tinker-Quinn, they'll be back real soon. You know all the problems Fluffy has with hairballs."

"Tinker-Tiffany, EWW!"

Sleepless

At this point, Tinker-Jake made the mistake of eating some glitter berries. This made him act so erratically that the other fairies thought he was insane and sent him to Tinkerbelvue.

Hierargo

"So," said Jane. "You need to hear this joke that I heard from Mystik Spiral's opening act last night."

"Remember what happened the last time you told me that, Jane?"

"Well, yeah, but I'm pretty sure the statute of limitations on that has expired by now, amiga."

"Why not avoid telling me a joke for another seventy years or so, just to be on the safe side?"

"Nonsense. Why should I let Johnny Law deprive you of my glorious sense of humor?"

"Because you call yourself my friend?"

"Bah. Anyway, the Schitt family walks into a talent agent's office. It's your basic nuclear family unit: a father, a mother, and three little Schitts - two brothers and a sister. They also have a dog, a monkey, and a grandfather in tow. The father shakes the agent's hand and says, 'Thanks for seeing us, Mr. Bembridge. We have a really amazing act, and I think you're going to absolutely flip for it.'"

"Jane?" Daria tried to ignore the sudden, violent little fireworks in her stomach that always went off every time Jane was about to do something they'd all regret later. "I'm getting a bad feeling about this."

"You say that all the time, Daria."

"Yeah. And I'm always right."

"Meh. You're too uptight. Besides, I didn't even get to the good part, yet." Jane smiled once, wide and innately self-satisfied - like a used-car salesman about to offload the junker to end all junkers. "Anyway, where was I?" She stopped for a second, grabbing the half-eaten pizza crust on the plate in front of her and chewing off a piece.

"Oh, yeah. Now I remember." She swallowed. "The agent says, 'Normally, I don't represent family acts. They're just too damn cute to succeed in the current theatre market.' The mother shakes her head daintily and says, 'Oh, sir, I'm sure you'd love our act if you'd just let us demonstrate it.'

"'Well,' says the agent. 'Okay. I don't have another appointment until three. Show me what you've got. What's the worst that could happen?' One of the boys pulls a boombox out of his bag and turns it on. 'Zip-A-Dee-Do-Da' starts playing, and the family begins a neatly-choreographed song-and-dance routine just like something out of Disneyland."

"This doesn't sound like one of your jokes, Jane."

"And that's when the wife gets up on his desk and begins an impromptu strip-tease, keeping perfect time to the music and singing along in a sultry, sexified voice."

"I stand corrected."

"You ain't heard nothing, yet." Jane rubbed her hands together and smiled. Daria shuddered.

ONE HOUR LATER

"So the grandfather slips in the puddle, cracks his head on the side of the desk, and falls face-first into the agent's bucket. He twitches twice and moans, all the while giving off little bubbling sounds from his attempts to breathe under three inches of vomit. The dog comes by and starts nibbling on his toupee, which has conveniently fallen off of his head. Finally, the grandfather quits struggling and lies still.

"The agent stares at the aftermath, at all of the naked bodies lying prone and passed out all over the floor in his once-neat office. Finally, he speaks: 'What about the monkey?' The father speaks from the back of the room, face down, without bothering to stand up: 'He watches.'

"'Hm.' The agent is lost in thought for another few minutes. 'That's a hell of an act you Schitts have there,' he finally says. 'What do you call it?' The surviving family members all leap to their feet, regardless of injury or physiological possibility, exchange a nod, and shout 'The Aristocrats!' in perfect unison."

Around them, the pizza parlor was struck completely silent. Several co-eds in the back had passed out, two cheerleaders had availed themselves of the opportunity to return their lunches all over the Pizza King's linoleum floor, and Daria wasn't entirely sure, but she thought that maybe the cashier had passed out and clonked his head on the cash drawer.

For her own part, having long been inured to Jane's proclivity for filthy jokes, Daria merely stared at Jane with a look divided equally between pity, disgust, and contempt.

"What?" Jane said.

"You don't think you could have saved me the expense and hassle of a lobotomy by not telling me that joke?"

"Hey, it has monkeys in it. I like monkeys. Did I ever show you that monkey-and-the-pirate contest entry I filled out?"

"Yes." It had taken six rounds of CyberKron before she could get that image out of her head.

"Anyway, what'd you think of the joke, amiga? It was funny, right?"

Daria slid lower in her seat and muttered something that might have been, "I need to get a new friend."

"I love you too," said Jane, all glee and amusement. "Going to finish that slice of pepperoni?" Without waiting for a response, she grabbed it from her friend's plate and wolfed it down.

Bubba-Ho-Tep

Quinn gently kissed her new lover, as she walked over to the window with him. Sitting on the sill, he blew her a sad kiss goodbye, before climbing down the side of the house, their passion still a secret.

Sobbing quietly, she returned alone to her bed, quietly picking up a few nuts off the sheets, his gifts. Oh, when would her parents admit the truth, and allow her to marry the squirrel she loved, Nutkin, the Great?

Sleepless

Kevin's hysterical laughter was cut short by a kick to his shin. "Ow! What was that for?"

"That joke is gross, Kevvie!"

"But it's funny 'cause it's about those singing cats from the movie, babe!"

Bubba-Ho-Tep

Suddenly Daria burst into the room with a shout, "HOW DARE YOU TAKE MY SQUIRREL YOU WENCH!!!" With that she slaps Quinn hard across the face.

Angelboy

"Such fools these mortals be, at least they aren't cursed with batwings, like me. Merely rending the flesh doth sound most wrong, methinks that I need a big honkin' fire bomb."

With that, Vampire-bell Andrea flapped mightily away to echolocate a gas station that sold both gas cans and magnesium railroad flares.

Nemo Blank

"M' Hairt fer th' Heelands, part One-too-many..."

It is the middle ages, some time after William Wallace's failed uprising. Beavison and McButthead are standing before a Scottish castle, looking up at the drawbridge.

"Uh-huhuh... look Beavison. 'Tis th' grreat Wallace's thingie... uh-huh-huh..."

"M'neh... och, aye, his thingie... m'neh... m'neh... Sprrrroooiiiioooiiing!"

"Uh-huh-huh..."

Daria nighen Jacob passed them and said, "Wi' the likes o' ye lot, Scotland will ne'er be free."

"Look, Beavison... 'tis McDiarhea... uh-huh-huh-huh..."

"M'neh... McDiarhea horo hiri..." he began to chant. McButthead joined him.

"That's it. I'm sick o' this place. I'm goin' tae see if me Da might poach one o' Laird McVicker's deer, that he may get us transported tae Van Lawndale's land."

The land is transformed as we are transported two years into the future, where Daria is now standing with Jane in the outback of Van Lawndale's land, watching as Mike MacKenzie tries to carefully explain to Kevin that there are no QB's in rugby.

"Aye, Janie," she said, "'Tis true what they say, 'Be careful what ye wish for.'"

Author's notes:

Fa: Yes, there are anachronisms, anachronisms are the soul of bad historical writings, nyaah!

Sol: King Eddie was such a cruel git that he when he finished drawing and quartering William Wallace, he had him strung up all over the place as a warning against rebellion. I reckon the naughty bits had to end up somewhere.

La: Nighen means "daughter of," horo hiri is the Scottish equivilant of the Irish too-rah-loo-rah-loo-rah, and Van Dieman's Land was another name for Deref's future homeland.

Ti: There's other confusing bits in this fic, but I don't feel like going back and finding them. If you don't like it, then why are you still reading? Bet you wish you had that five minutes back, don't you?

Do: Author's notes, get it? Fa-sol-la-ti-do? Aw, never mind

Guy: That was the last of the notes up there, Dingus, this is my name! Sheesh!

Payne: Are you still here?

Deceleraptor

And don't get her started on Trent and that guy named Khan.

A.J.

"Dad?" Daria began. "I kissed your boyfriend. I kissed Tony."

With that Jake ran from the room, crying hysterically.

A.J.

O'Neil: "Brittany, I kissed your boyfriend."

Brittany: "Huh? But you're not a girl...how...hmmmm."

nmorgendorffer

Jane - Daria, I kissed your boyfriend.

Daria - What?!

Jane - I kissed your boyfriend, I kissed Knuckles.

atimnie

Quinn - Daria... I kissed your boyfriend...

Daria - What?

Quinn - I kissed your boyfriend... I kissed Opie...

Angelboy

Quinn: Daria, I had sex with your girlfriend.

Daria: Jane?

Quinn: And the Fashion Club, the cheerleaders, the football team, and the entire population of Lawndale! But only ...

Daria sobs, her face in her hands: what else do you have to tell me, Quinn! What!

Quinn: I didn't kiss any of them!

Daria: That's okay then.

Sleepless

Sandi stared in horror at the little mutant kitten-pups surrounding Fluffy.

"Um, Quinn's friend or something?" said Daria. "Opie mated with your cat."

"Bu... bu... but..." said Sandi, her eyes wide and her voice peculiarly high, "Fluffy's a tom! A castrated tom!"

"What?!?"

Quinn grinned behind them and silently kissed the green stone she'd stolen from Nemo's fic.

Deceleraptor

TRENT: Daria, I kissed your boyfriend.

DARIA: That doesn't make any sense, Trent. Just how do you kiss yourself?

TRENT: Man, I'm even more hung over than I thought...

Hierargo

"Daria, I kissed your boyfriend."

"That doesn't make any sense, Trent. Just how do you kiss yourself?"

"I'm not your Trent. I'm the alternate-universe Evil Gay Trent."

"Oh. Well, that explains the goatee. And the turtle-neck."

WacoKid

Daria knew that it would be a bad day when she awoke to find herself bound, a ball-gag in her mouth, Ving Rhames similarly bound and placed besides her, and several squirrels scratching themselves as they kept glancing back and forth between her and the game of 'Number Six Dance' roulette on the other end of the table she and Ving were propped up against.

Brother Grimace

Daria and Jane looked at their tied captive with evil smirks. "So Mister Ronin... you want to write scenes where I kiss Sandi huh? Or where me and Quinn play lesbian dominatrixes..." Daria spoke with a low growl in her voice.

"Well guess what, you're going to help us get revenge on the authors of the 'Scenes No Daria Fic Should Ever Have' thread... Or we'll let the Fashion club have you."

Angelboy

It is winter, 2027. The cold January winds whip over the bare plains where once stood the town of Lawndale. The toons that once inhabited the town are shivering out in the open, standing, milling about aimlessly, or sitting against the small rocks that form the only breaks in the landscape's monotony.

Daria blows on her hands, her fingers poking through the threadbare gloves. "What the Hell happened," she asked Jane.

"Damned if I know, amiga," she answered, her breath vapor whipped by the wind, "One day we had a town, then this."

"It's been like this for years," said Helen, "Nothing but emptyness, nothing but each other getting on each other's nerves with no respite in sight."

"How did it come to this," sighed Quinn, "Where did we go wrong. Dear God, I'm down to one scrunchie!"

"I'll tell you precisely what happened," said Burnout Girl.

"What," said Daria.

Burnout Girl got up and walked over to her, followed by other background characters. "You killed all the writers."

"And?"

"You killed all the writers, so no one is imagining anything for us," growled Shaggy, "We're in Hell because you killed all the writers."

"We didn't kill all of them," complained Jane, "You can't blame us!"

"Oh, you're so self-righteous," said Burnout Girl, "Just 'cause the original writers died in '07 during the ebola epidemic, you think you're hands are clean."

"They were finished with us anyway," said Scarlet, "not that they ever paid any attention to the background players like the ficters did. They were gone on to other projects, they weren't even THINKING of the Misery Chick anymore."

"Yeah," said Brook, "it's all your faults, with your murderous schemes."

"I never even got my turn," said the African-American teacher from Lucky Strike, "I might even have gotten some lines if y'all hadn't freaked it up for the rest of us."

"Do you know what I would give just to have a little angst around here? Something to break the monotony? Something to do?!? A heck of a lot, that's what!" screamed Brooke.

"But we didn't knooooow!" cried Stacy, "We didn't know it would turn out like this! I was tired, I tell you, tired of being shipped with Ted, tired of being killed, tired of being caught in unfashionable situations! Don't you understand?"

"Yeah!" said Sandi and Quinn.

"Yeeeaaah," said Tiffany.

Scarlet fell to her knees and sobbed, "Oh, TAG! If only I'd have known so I could have saved you! I never even got to tell you how much I appreciated your doing that fic, even if you didn't finish it. Now *sob* you never will!!! *WAAAHHHHH*!!!"

"See what you've done," said Burnout Girl, "Are you proud of yourselves?" She jumped at Daria and started choking her. "ARE YOU HAPPY?!?"

The background players fell upon the major and minor players with a fierceness born of years of boredom. The battle was fierce and raged on for days, but eventually, as they were all Toons and not subject to normal wear and tear, the riot ground to a halt, and everyone went back to shivering and milling.

Other fandom's characters looked upon them and shivered, taking the message to heart. Yet it was too late for Our Heroin and her crew. Nothing but an eternity of boredom where even Daria wished for a bit of the old horrorshow ultra-angst, bad pun fics, or even gobs of sacharine, shippery goodness.

Soon it bagan to rain, and they all caught colds.

Deceleraptor

Daria: I kissed your boyfriend.

Jane: What?

Daria: I kissed your boyfriend. I kissed Tom. I'm sorry.

[pause]

Jane: We were planning on fooling around at my place tonight. Wanna join us and make it a threesome?

Daria: I thought you'd never ask.

Derek

Daria: Excuse me? Jane, it looks like we have to whack Derek again.

Jane: I'll get the gutter, you get the baseball bat.

Derek: Oh hell, not again!

Derek

Daria's mom has got it goin' on She's all I want and I've waited for so long Daria can't you see, you're just not the girl for me I know it might be wrong but I'm in love with Daria's mom

Derek

<TRENT walks into his bedroom and finds DARIA>

TRENT: Daria, I kissed your boyfriend.

DARIA: That doesn't make any sense, Trent. Just how do you kiss yourself?

TRENT: You see, I learned the art of contortion many years ago from this old Chinese guy, in doing so I can like, twist myself like a pretzel and.....

DARIA: TRENT!

TRENT: Jeez! I was only telling you how I got the mirror, man! Chill out Daria, you really need to relax. Want to pretend we're rabbits until we go comatose?

DARIA: Jeez, you are clueless. Why the hell else would I be lying in your bed wearing a bunny costume?

A.J.

Inspired by Daria's Inferno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Daria: Great Just what I need more weirdness.

Trent appears on his bed that's floating on a cloud.

Daria: It's Trent on his Trentmobile...

Trent stays asleep while Daria watches.

Daria: Maybe I should join him...

Daria looks around with a smirk and then jumps into the bed and curls up next to Trent.

Daria: Better then listening to that song.

Angelboy

"Well, Ms. Morgendorffer," said the professor, "I'm afraid that we're not making much progress."

"Why do you insist on calling me 'Morgendoffer'? You know my name's not Morgendorffer!"

The man sighed. It had happened after her graduation from Lawndale High School. It seemed like Daria had a great future ahead of her, but one day she woke up and began to claim that she was another person. There were none of the other signs of schizophrenia, no multiple personality disorder, no hint of any emotional or sexual traumas. Indeed, the new personality wasn't that much different from the old one - a bit more whiny, but just as smart.

"I looked up the names on the Internet you gave me...there is no Fred Jones, no Norville Rogers."

"He would never be called Norville Rogers! We call him 'Shaggy'!"

"Daria, your sister tells us that there's a boy at your school that was called 'Shaggy'. I also find these pathetic tales of a dog food eating hippy implausible, to say the least."

"What about Daphne? Daphne Blake?"

"Tall redhaired girl, very attractive?"

"Yes!"

The man sighed. Obviously her sister. The first time Quinn came to visit, Daria had confused her for this "Daphne" person. Quinn broke down in tears over her sister's mental distress and had never returned to Golden Acres.

"Daria -- "

" -- Velma! My name's Velma Dinkley! Call my parents, the Dinkleys!"

"Daria, I will not buy into this delusion. We're going to start Electro-Convulsive Therapy right away."

"Velma" tried to flee the room. "Scooby! Scooby! Help!!"

As the orderlies took control outside the hall, he could hear Daria whine about losing her glasses in that whiny, Velma Dinkley voice of hers. The belief in a six foot tall talking dog was the last straw. Oh well, a few treatments later and with luck, the Velma personality would be destroyed.

Professor Utonium returned to his desk, looking at the photograph of his three daughters. He hoped that Buttercup wasn't in a pissy mood again when he got home.

Roentgen

Daria sat on the school's roof, a high-powered rifle with scope in her lap. She is looking despondently at the smoke curling up from the muzzle.

Jane appears behind her. "There you are, amiga! Been looking all over for you."

Daria grunts sadly.

"So, what's up? What's happening? What's the skinny, the scoop, the lowdown?"

Daria continues to mope.

"Daria? Is there something wrong?"

Daria looked up at her friend and said, "Jane, I missed your boyfriend..."

Deceleraptor

Jane: Daria, what are you doing?

Daria: Target practice.

<Fires and another muppet gets blasted to bits, green dirty fur and a gargabe-y smell exist>

Jane: Shooting muppets again I see?

Daria: Yep <Cookie monster gets hit from a sawed off shotgun>

Jane: What happened this time?

Daria: Don't get me started, I might aim for real flesh and blood cartoon characters wearing red jackets <takes aim at Elmo, fires and only Elmo's screams are heard>

Jane: Daria, you have to let it go.

<Daria launches a bomb into the muppet shelter, shortly after detonation, she checks inside to find yellow feathers flying about, and a hairy elephant's trunk lying next to a severed beak>

Daria: <sighs> Only if you let me blast the muppet theater over there to atoms.

Jane: If you must. <mutters something about all this starting because she said Ernie was better>

Daria: BERT DAMMIT! <Nukes the theater in near record time>

Daria: BERT! <aims at Jane>

Jane: Daria! Have you completely lost it?!

Daria: BERT! DAMMIT JANE! BERT! SAY IT!

Jane: You're willing to shoot me over this? Then screw you! ERNIE! ERNIE, ERNIE, ERNIE!

Daria: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<She blasts, Jane being as athletic as she is easily dodges the blast and makes a hasty retreat>

Jane: This isn't over Morgendorffer! I will return! This means WAR!

Narrator: And that is how WWIII came to be. Sadly the muppet species was obliterated from existance with the exception of this Bert and Ernie. It isn't known at this point just who this Bert and Ernie are, we speculate they may have been the two greatest military minds of the 21st century, unfortunately those records were destroyed in the great war of 2007 which ironically started WWIII on April Fools day of that year, speculation has abounded for the 5 centuries since, but without solid proof we may never know. Good night.

A.J.

"Hello, you have called the Hot Young Women chatline. If you will please give me your name and credit card number, we will connect you to one of our gorgeous girls, waiting to talk to you!"

Daria got the all clear from the terminal, and connected the call to Rosie Kurtz, a seventy year old woman who did this to suppliment her Social Security checks.

Damn that Jane! Daria thought sourly, Just a little bit of online gambling, who would it hurt?

Me, that's who! I was the one the ATF busted! Expelled from college, folks aren't talking to me, and Quinn married to Tom Sloan! If I didn't know the only painting Jane was doing anymore was detailing cars, I'd go nuts. What else could screw up my life?

"Hello, you have called the Hot Young Women chatline. If you will please give me your name and credit card number, we will connect you to one of our gorgeous girls, waiting to talk to you!" The all clear shone on the terminal, but the other lines showed busy.

Damn! I hate to do this myself!

Daria cleared her throat, hit the connect button, and whispered throatily into the mike.

"Hi, I'm Quinn, and I'll be your mistress of the night. What's your name?"

Daria's small feeling of revenge vanished as she heard a familar voice.

"Wow, Quinn! My names Jake! I've got a daughter with your name, isn't that something?"

Sleepless

This message gave birth to the "Broken Connection" fanfic by Sleepless, still in writing at the time of this compliation (early september 2005)

"Daddy?!" asked Daria, trying to sound as much like Quinn as possible. She smirked a little as she heard the unmistakable sound of her father fainting at the other end.

Prince Charon

Daria knew that trouble loomed on the horizon when Severus Snape and Draco Malfoy moved in into the empty house further down the street...

Bacner

Daria knew it was going to be a bad (and really short) day when a train from the new high speed rail line that had been built next to Lawndale High crashed through the cafeteria wall at 186 miles an hour.

Derek

Her best friend Jane disappeared beneath the wheels of the eighty-ton diesel electric locomotive, as did everyone else on her half of the cafeteria, but as Daria reflected later this was good, because Jane died quickly and did not suffer at all from the ebola pandemic that swept through Lawndale the following day and caused Daria to suffer such hideous agonies that she received her first-ever C+ on one of Mr. DeMartino's history exams.

The Angst Guy

DeMartino: Daria, perhaps I was a bit HASty in wishing a hideous viral inFECtion upon myself.

Daria: And all because of Kevin and Brittany. Although, they don't seem to be scoring any worse on their tests.

DeMartino: Indeed. Perhaps there is a POINT at which a living human cannot POSSIBLY GET ANY DUMBER regardless of extenuating CIRcumstance.

Daria: I know some geologists you can call in case you think any of your other predictions might come true, Nostradamus.

ad nauseam

Andrea: Mr. D! Kevin and Brittany are dead! They've been dead since school started this morning!

DeMartino: [checks Kevin and Brittany's test papers] I cannot for the LIFE of me underSTAND how you can tell the DIFFerence. Their scores haven't CHANGED!

The Angst Guy

Jane: Oddly *cough* enough, neither have their facial expressions.

Daria: Hmm. I've accused *cough cough* Brittany of attracting men like flies, but never actual flies.

ad nauseam

Jane: Much like the flies that I seem to be attracting.

Daria: Um, I was going to ask you about that. You are dead, after all, thanks to that locomotive dismembering you yesterday.

Jane: Guess I got ahead of myself. Get it? "Ahead" of myself? Decapitated?

Daria: [groans, covers face with hands]

Jane: You seem to be disarmed, amiga. Get it? "Disarmed"?

Daria: Shut up.

Jane: Guess I haven't got a leg to stand on. Get it? "Haven't got a--"

Daria's .45: BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

The Angst Guy

"Daddy?" Daria said into the headset, he voice made small and childlike by shock.

"Oh, yeah," Jake moaned back, "You know just the fantasy I want. Tell Daddy what a bad girl you've been so he can give you a spanking!"

WacoKid

Jane: (after maybe 10 seconds of shocked silence in which she is examining herself and her surroundings) Jeez Daria, are you wearing your contacts and your glasses? 'Cause, I don't think you hit anything you were aiming at.

Daria: (slowly, deliberately) Maybe. But you did lose your train of thought, didn't you?

(In the back of the class, Dawn slides lifelessly out of her chair, having taken at least 2 of Daria's wayward slugs.)

ad nauseam

Oh, yass... you know just the fantasy I want. Tell Daddy what a bad girl you've been - so he can give you a spanking..."

"Yes, honey - tell Daddy exactly what you've done," Helen's voice cooed, and a cold shudder went up Daria's spine. "I warned you, honey - just wait until your father comes home..."

Brother Grimace

"Yes, honey - tell Daddy exactly what you've done," Aunt Amy's voice cooed, and a cold shudder went up Daria's spine. "I warned you, honey - just wait until your father comes home..."

WacoKid

"Yes, honey - tell Daddy exactly what you've done," Grandma Ruth's voice cooed, and a cold shudder went up Daria's spine. "I watched you, honey - just wait until your father comes home..."

Scissors MacGillicutty

DeMartino: It's PRObably those MYriad little STROKES in your BRAIN afFECTing your visual CORtex.

Daria [Looking thoughtful]: You know, that would probably explain the grade, too.

DeMartino: Well, bleeeaAAAARGHHHHH!!! [He begins to bleed out, spewing blood and bazillions of filo virii from every orifice.]

Daria [Sympatheticly]: Pity this didn't happen before he graded the papers.

Jane: God, I can't believe he did that! Ewwwwwww.

Daria: Oh, pull yourself together, Lane...

Deceleraptor

A week after their first meeting, Daria Morgendorffer sat in Jane Lane's room watching a silent tv as the stereo blasted music.

"Show's on!" she called, as Jane came back into the room, bringing with her a pair of coffee mugs. She handed one to Daria and then clicked off the stereo with the remote.

...deaf, and barely able to walk, yet you conducted simultaneous affairs with three members of the Royal Family! The question on all of America's mind is: how did you do it?

What?

"She doesn't get it," Jane smirked, "It's the Royal Family. You'd have to be blind."

"Good point," Daria replied after sipping her coffee. There was an odd aftertaste she couldn't place, but she didn't want to say anything for fear of offending Jane (Daria had seen the Lane kitchen).

U.F.O. conventions, once sneered at as the domain of so-called "kooks," have become big, big business, drawing hundreds of thousands of people each year, people as sane and rational as you and I, who come simply to satisfy a normal curiosity.

Hi! I'm Artie.

Artie, hello. Tell me, what brought you here, Artie.

It was a cone-shaped craft about 15 feet long, with an air speed of, oh, I'd estimate mach 12. They kidnapped and stripped me, examined me briefly, returned my clothes, and dropped me here.

I... see.

They pressed my pants. Did a nice job.

"You know all the answers to the questions on the release test, right?" Daria asked, thinking it odd that her tongue felt a little swollen.

"I've got them in my notebook" Jane replied, her voice strangely flat.

"Well, why don't we just take the test tomorrow and get out of the class once and for all?" Daria barely noticed that she was slurring her words.

"How would I spend my afternoons?" the flat and emotionless voice answered from far away.

"Yuuuuuuuuuefffffffffooooooooooooooooo...." Daria slumped unconsciously to the floor.

When she came to, her head was still spinning slightly. And her shoulders were hurting. And she felt cold.

Opening her eyes, Daria found herself in a dark room, her arms held above her head and her bare feet touching the floor. She realized she was hanging by her wrists, and managed to steady her legs, taking the presure off of her arms and shoulders after who knew how long.

It was then that Daria realized she'd been stripped of everything but her panties. It took every bit of willpower she had to keep from panicking.

"Oh, good, you're awake," a strange voice said from a dark corner of the room.

"What's going on?" Daria snapped. "Who are you? Where's Jane?"

"Little Janie Wanie Lanie's gone awanie," the voice mocked. "You're mine now."

"Who are you?" Daria asked, unable to keep the fear out of her voice.

Some lights snapped on, blinding Daria with the glare. After blinking her eyes clear, she saw she was in what seemed to be a basement. A basement decorated with a wide range of S&M gear. Then she saw her captor.

Jane, wearing a leather dominatrix outfit, and holding a bullwhip.

She smiled cruelly. It was the face of the girl Daria had come to know this past week, but it was wrong. Everything that conveyed personality - eyes, bodylanguage, voice, everything - was wrong. Daria had read a little bit about Multiple Personality Disorder, but didn't think she'd ever actually witness anything like this.

She cracked the bullwhip, missing Daria's left buttcheek by an inch.

"I'm Bondage. Jane Bondage."

WacoKid

At that very moment, we see the ceiling starting to give way from yet another of Daria's "errant" shots)

Jane: Droll, Morgendorffer, very droll. Though to be serious for a moment, that was rather side-splitting.

(Daria watches as the ceiling gives way causing the flourescent lights to come crashing down on top of Jane, sending much voltage coarsing through her best friends (now hopefully lifeless) body.)

Daria: (dry as ever) Shocking, isn't it Lane?

A.J.

Quick public service announcement break and then back to the "story" in progress:

I'm wondering; is there some critical mass of Pun (at which point the individual Puns no longer have sufficient energy or escape velocity) that would cause not only the Puns themselves but everything in between them to fall back in on itself, sucking helpless chunks of prose, discourse, links, livestock, left socks, PPMBers, what have you, in with them to be crushed in some horrible act of auto-cannibalization???

(Somebody: "Uh, no, not really. That's a stupid idea.")

Okay then. Back to our program, The Brai--, I mean, The Jane That Wouldn't Die!

ad nauseam

Dateline: Basement, Lane Household. Lawndale, USA. August 5, 2005. 7:45 AM

Daria: Alright Jane, it's time for plan two.

Jane: Right with ya, amiga. Especially after that last plan...

Daria: In this plan we will hold a Dariacon in a large building over a volcano, all interested parties will recieve free airfare, and will be placed in lodgings at the site with free room service.

Jane: One question. Where do we get the place? Last I checked they don't build things over an ACTIVE volcano.

Daria: Remember that fanfic a while back with the Powerpuff Girls? Well Mojo Jojo is leasing us the place. The plan sadly will not let me get the security deposit back.

Jane: So we gather a large number of the writers into Mojo's lair and then what?

Daria: We blow up the support beams sending everyone and everything into the volcano below. It's foolproof.

Angelboy

The man on the other end of the line coughed. "Funny," he said. "I know a Quinn. My name's Trent. Like, are you supposed to really do everything you say you're doing? 'Cause the Quinn I know is really hot, and I'd like for you to pretend you're her. That would be cool."

The Angst Guy

Daria: [picking up her sodden test] He could have at least graded in purple. We'll never be able to distinguish all those little red marks now.

E. A. Smith

Daria walked down the halls of Lawndale High, carrying a bucket at her side. It was an ordinary five-gallon tin pale with a metal handle. She passed by the members of the Fashion Club.

"Qu-wi-in," said Sandi, "isn't that, like, that strange girl your parents are fostering or something?"

"Maybe," said Quinn, "I'm not sure. What is she carrying?"

"Looks like an old tin bucket," said Stacy, who caught a look from Sandi. "Eap!"

"Thaaaat metaal," observed Tiffany, "Soooo duuuuull."

"We mean, what is she carrying in the bucket, Stacy," snapped Sandi, "I think we should investigate to see if it's anything that might, like, be less fashionable than carrying a bucket."

"Good idea, Sandi, you should do that," said Quinn, quickly retreating.

"Yeah," said Stacy, running to catch up with Quinn, "you should totally do that."

Tiffany just stared.

Giving Tiffany a look that could have maimed if Tiffany had been cognizent, Sandi huffs off to follow Daria, trying to work up the courage to talk to her. She strategized in her head how to do it so that she wouldn't seem that interested, but interested enough that Daria couldn't just blow her off with a sarcastic remark, but again not so interested that she might loose popularity...

"Yes?"

"Eap!" said Sandi, who had nearly walked into Daria.

"Short answer. Consice. Brevity is, after all, the soul of wit."

The sarcasm sailing merrily over her head, Sandi attempted to regain her arrogant equilibrium. "Um, as, like, President of the Fashion Club or something, I'd..."

"Or something? Are you that unsure?"

"Shush! I need to ask you if you are carrying anything unfashionable in that... thing."

"What 'thing?'"

"That... that bucket or whatever!"

"Oh... that thing. Yeeesss, I guess you might call it unfashionable."

"Well, what is it?"

"A monster."

Sandi gave Daria an incredulous look. "Quinn's adopted au pair or something, do I look like I was, like, born under yesterday's sign? A monster?"

"Yeah. Don't get too close, he hasn't been fed yet."

"Oh, right! Pull my other arm!" she said, then stepped up and looked inside the bucket. "I don't see any..."

Suddenly an orange, scaly, warty talon reached up and grabbed Sandi by the head and drug her into the bucket. Daria dropped it in shock and stepped back.

Howls, screams, pleas for help, and animalistic growls emitted from the bucket as it bounced about the floor. Daria backed up further, but then it got silent and landed upright in front of her.

Sandi crawled out, little worse for the wear, gave Daria a poionous look, then walked away in a huff. A minute later, the orange monster crawled out of the bucket, prostrated his full eleven foot height to Daria and said, "Please mistress! Lurg behave! Don't send bad lady back in with Lurg, Lurg almost didn't make it! P-p-p-please!!!"

Daria looked up from where Lurg was washing her boots with his tongue and muttered, "No wonder Stacy is cowed..."

Deceleraptor

It would never be easy. These kinds of things never are. When she accidentally stumbled upon the tech manual buried in the attic, she dismissed it at first. Thinking it was nothing more than a joke. But one night during a rather boring rainy day, she decided to try out some of the techniques described in the rather oddball book. She learned new tricks, she learned new ideas, new concepts, and thus decided to begin a project based on untested theories of modern design.

She would do it.

Oh yes.

Quinn Morgendorffer would build her own starfighter and show up her sister once and for all. "Who's the brain, NOW, be-yotch?!" she would think to herself.........

Reese Kaine

Sandi's head poked out. "Hey, can we have a little privacy here?"

RLobinske

Daria: Jane, I kissed your boyfriend.

Jane: WHAT!

Daria: I kissed Tom. (beat) I'm sorry...!

Jane: (suddenly furious) You WHORE! (She lashes out, sending Daria into a locker with a slap that can be heard down the hall!) Step away, 'cause the cat's in the house!

Andrea: (grabbing Jane) Jane, stop! She's your friend!

Jane: My 'friend' doesn't go acting like she's a victim one minute and stealing my boyfriend the next! (looks down at Daria, who crawls around as she feels for her glasses.) You just can't let anyone else be happy, can you? I tried to set you up with my brother, but you couldn't even make that work!

Ms. Li: (rushing up) What the HELL is going on here? (sees Daria) What happened to you, Miss Morgendorffer?

Jane: She got a taste of the bitch-slapping she's needed for years! (Brittany is helping Andrea hold Jane back.)

Brittany: But Jane, Daria's your friend!

Jane: I don't NEED friends like that!

Ms. Li: Miss Lane, report to my office immediately! (she helps Daria to her feet.) I'm sorry, Miss Morgendorffer, but you'll have to come with me also.

(As Daria is led off, Mack looks over at Jodie.)

Mack: What the hell happened - did they both think they were fighting Sandi?

Jodie: I don't know...

(Paige, Manny and Emma watch the drama unfold on TV.)

Paige: This show finally got believeable.

Manny: I always thought that they were gay!

Emma: Come on - even if they were, Jane wouldn't be with her! Daria's too clingy, and she's a bitch! One wrong move by Jane, and she's in so much trouble even for something little...

Narrator: 'Lawndale. It goes there.' Until, of course, the creator decides it goes there, and totally disrupts the continuity of the show's earlier seasons...

Brother Grimace

Beelzebub, Satan, and Lucifer looked at one another. They had lost. They were used to loosing when matched against His mighty forces but to lose to a mortal was something new. They were never going to live this down.

Lucifer sighed.

"I'm waiting," their opponent reminded them.

"I don't see any other choice," shrugged Beelzebub. They kneeled as one.

"Damn straight," acknowledged Quinn. "Now fetch me a soda. Make sure the ice is crushed." Quinn finally sat on her new throne and looked out over her new domain.

drmike

In five minutes she'll have them playing "Schwartz" ...

mman

High on a Throne of Royal State, which far
Outshone the wealth of LANDON and of SLOANE
Or where the gorgeous East with richest hand
Showers on her Kings BARBARIC Pearl & Gold,
Quinn exalted sat, by fashion rais'd
To that hip eminence; and from scrunchies
Thus high uplifted beyond Brooke, aspires
Beyond thus high, insatiate to pursue
Vain War with Sandi, and by success untaught
Her proud imaginations thus displayed.

Scissors MacGillicutty

Sending Quinn to distract the guards, Daria and Jane cut a human-sized hole into the the glass enclosure blocking the infamous window at the 2nd floor of the Dallas Book Depository. Jane looked through the window first, and couldn't hold her thoughts from leaving her head.......

"THERE'S NO F***ING WAY!!!!! ............. I CAN'T EVEN SEE THE ROOOOOAD!!!!" Jane suddenly races towards the exit, still screaming "Sh*t! They're lying to us!!!! F************CK!!!!!!!"

Daria sighed as she walked by Quinn, gently tugging her along to follow Jane.

Meanwhile, back at the Lane residence. Trent is still asleep.

=====================

Next week on "Chick Trick Trio Mysteries"...........

Reese Kaine

Janet... I kissed your boyfriend," went Anthony DeMartino's last words...

Deceleraptor

It was easy to run the bath. It was easy to buy the razors. It was even easy to slit the wrists - down the block, not across the street, she muttered silently to herself while she bit steel into her thin skin.

In the last second of consciousness and life that Daria had left to her, she reflected that only one thing wasn't easy - learning to live in a world where Rock Star: INXS would not be returning for a second season.

Bubba-Ho-Tep

Daria stood on the elevated railway platform, looking up at the monstrosity towering one hundred feet above her. It reached down with it's scaley green arm until it's fingers were just in front of her face and whimpered.

She sighed and put a bandage on Godzilla's ouchie, and kissed it to help the creature feel better.

"Now will you listen," she said soothingly, "when I tell you to be carefull knocking down glass skyscrapers?"

Deceleraptor

The robed figure nodded in excitement. "Legends tell of such a cube..."

Daria turned to Jane, a dark expression on her face. "If he goes on about that damn Horadric Cube one more time, I'm going to brain him with The Gavel of Pain, I swear."

Deckard Cain took one look at the massive warhammer hanging at Daria's waist, decided that discretion was the better part of valor, and shut up.

Dennis

Daria - "Jane, I kissed your boyfriend."

Jane - "Damn it. Not again. I can't even change species without you trying to hog the action."

drmike

Jane: This school caving trip sucks.

Daria: Yeah. It's even worse than that hiking trip in the middle of a blizzard.

Jane: You'd think the teachers would've learned the first time. And why the hell did they have to take us to some cave in Utah? There's gotta be caves a LOT closer to Lawndale.

Daria: Ms. Li probably got paid to send us here.

Jane: Yeah.

They fell silent and concentrated on where to put their feet as they followed their classmates deeper into the Earth. Suddenly everybody stopped as they heard a noise from farther in the cave.

Daria: What was that?

Jane: It sounded like leaves rustling in the wind.

Daria: Don't be ridiculous, Jane. There's no leaves or wind this far underground.

The noise grew louder. Then the source came within range of their headlamps. A mass of tentacled, glowing orange creatures was coming up the tunnel towards them. Each tentacle held a curved, wicked-looking platinum knife.

Everyone panicked and tried to run back the way they had come, but the rocktopi were too fast. They fell upon the students and started hacking them to pieces. Screams filled the cave. Daria and Jane managed to break away from the group and run up the tunnel, with Jane quickly outdistancing Daria. The screams quickly died behind them.

Jane suddenly heard Daria scream behind her, a scream which was quickly cut short. Refusing to look behind her at what was left of her best friend, Jane put on an extra burst of speed, hoping to escape the rocktopi.

The rustling sound grew louder, and she realized the monsters were gaining on her. One of them slashed her leg and she fell, screaming in agony. The rocktopi leaped on top of her, raising it's knife above her head. Jane gave one last scream before it brought the knife down on her face.

Derek

Mack knew it was going to be a very bad day when Kevin came up to him and introduced him to his Uncle Homer. Worse when he realized Uncle Homer had some uranium 238 stuck in his pants...

A.J.

"Hey, Homer!" said Charlene Thompson, coming over to kiss her favorite brother-in-law, "Is that an isotope in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"

Deceleraptor

It was another normal day in Lawndale, but in a dark basement twenty miles below the surface.............

Daria (Not shown): Do you still have that neural ethernet adapter from a few threads back?

Jane: *pulling out an ethernet cable with a weird jack on the end, and dusts it off a bit* You really want to go through with this? I mean.......after the accident from trying to crash Paperpusher's board......

Daria (Not shown): I'm well aware of the risk, now plug me in.

*Jane plugs the cable into the back of Daria's skull*

Jane: You're all set. BTW, the tech guy over in the Hamptons finally made a Linux port of the interface.

Daria (Not shown): *Sigh of relief* I was worried about it crashing again.

Jane: I can't imagine your brain flooded with useless internet junk data.

Daria (Not shown): Over a thousand different English porn terms......just to describe felatio. While it's nice to know the info.......I'd rather remove my eyes with an ice-cream scooper.

Jane: But with all of that knowledge of HTML.......that was one bitchin' cheese shrine page.

Daria (Not shown): Behold the power of cheese. *Lets one rip*

Jane: Okie, you're logged in. What's the plan today?

Daria (Not shown): Since there was a mention of Homer and uranium a few posts back, it seemed only natural to see if the universes were properly aligned, and if so, see if I can liquidate C. Montgomery Burns' financial assets.

Jane: If it crashes, can your head get any bigger?

Daria (Finally shown, and having a cranium the size of a watermelon): What do you mean?

Reese Kaine