"Oh, my God!" cried Daria in horror
the next morning, when she awoke in bed next to the sleeping nude form of her
best friend Jane, "I've... I've... I've become a THESPIAN!"
--Roger E. Moore
It was a dark and stormy Lawndale night.
Suddenly, a shot rang out. Upchuck screamed!
--Martin J. Pollard
As Daria contemplated with anticipation all the
things she would do with and to Duck Dodgers in the cabin on that space cruise,
a very dopey expression slowly crossed her lips, causing Jane to clear her
throat in reporach.
--Ben Breeck
"This is so important," Timothy
O'Neill said, "extremely unimportant of course. Yes important and unimportant
and very nescessary and extraneous!"
--Ben Breeck
I don't believe this, thought Daria, not am I going to be sepperated from Trent, but Jane
and I have to go to some place that looks like Emerald City in order to go to
school at someplace that's like a cross between Hogwarts and the Vatican9?
--Ben Breeck
"You're just so.... cool!" Daria said
in awe.
"And funny," added Jane with a smirk.
"And really talented," said Trent.
"We're just so glad you're our friend, Mahna Sue!!!" exclaimed Tom.
(A/N: jus CaUse she haS da SamE nam as mE 'n acts lik me and lOOks lik me,
dun thinK she *is* me cus shez not!!!!!! ^_^)
"Oh stop!" Mahna Sue smiled, showing her perfectly straight
teeth that were white as snow.
--Mahna Mahna
"...and then Monique was there and she was
a bitch and Trent said, 'Daria I love you, marry me please!' and Daria said
'Trent I love you so much and I'm pregnant with your baby.' and then they both
cried and smiled and were happy and Monique was all mad because she's evil and
doesn't want anyone to be happy and jealous about Trent loving Daria more than
her but then Jane beat her up and Daria and Trent got married and named their
daughter Jane and they all lived happily ever after, except for Quinn who's
clothes got paint on them. The end!"
--Isa Yo-Jo
Daria couldn't believe it. She was about to
marry the most wonderful man in the world, Kevin Thompson.
--Aaron Adelman
Daria couldn't believe it. She was about to
marry the most wonderful man in the world, Charles Ruttheimer.
Daria couldn't believe it. She was about to marry the most wonderful man
in the world, Anthony DeMartino.
Daria couldn't believe it. She was about to marry the most wonderful man
in the world, Tad Gupty.
Daria couldn't believe it. She was about to marry the most wonderful woman
in the world, Brittany Taylor.
--Beth Ann
The lights in the crowded room went down, and
murmurs of excitrment simmered through the crowd. They were anxious to see if
it was true, if they'd get to see the best at work...
A voice exploded from the loudspeaker. "Listen to the one that knows,
gentlemen! There's all sorts of women - they'll make you scream, they'll make
you cry, but after you seeTHIS honey, you'll have to DIE! Put your hands
together for the star attraction at the 'Cherry Pop'Inn' - The Misery
Chick!"
The room exploded in a shower of applause, cheering and bills of HIGH
denominations as Daria Morgendorffer, dressed in her ordinary outfit and
carrying her book bag over, truged dejectedly out from behind the neon-purple
slik curtains...
--Brother Grimace
Ms. Barch was overjoyed that she finally was
going to live out her lifelong dream: to pose nude for _Eyeful_.
--Aaron Adelman
Sandi Griffin smiled knowingly as the sounds of
Quinn Morgendorffer's pleasure rose, plateaued, and then dissapated from her
bedroom.
"Are you done yet?" she asked, and seeing Quinn nod, claapped
her hands together and held them open so Fluffy, her cat, could run back to her
mistress.
"You were right, Sandi," Quinn gasped, reaching for her wallet.
"That WAS the most incredible sponge bath I've ever had-!"
--Brother Grimace
Trent began to sing. The gentle notes of his
battered old acoustic guitar and his soft, mournful singing rang clearly in the
farthest corners of the packed church. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he stood
in front of Daria’s coffin, but his voice held clear and steady. The hundreds
of mourners listened in hushed, tearful silence as Trent began the second
verse:
“What was it you were looking for
that took your life that night?
They say they found my navel ring
Clutched in your fingers tight…”
--Galen Hardesty
And then Jane and I kissed passionately
enjoying the feel of eachother. I was suddenly happy that I'd left my boyfriend
and we were both happy that Tom had been turned into a flea by the good witch
Andrea.
"Jane," I said softly, not wanting to ruin the mood, "have
you seen my pants?"
--Isa Yo-Jo
In an effort to prove to Daria that she's ok with
her going out with Tom, Jane invites the two of them together along with
herself for a threesome where each of them must bring one of these 3 things: a
thong, an eggbeater, and a penguin. And the girls aren't bringing the thong!
--A.J.
"Huh? Where am I?" Charles Ruttheimer
awoke with a start. There was a dull throbbing pain in his temple and a strange
acidic aftertaste in his mouth. He knew at once he'd been drugged. But by whom?
Who would go to this extreme (not to mention insane) length to get him here?
Then he blinked. He knew. Without a shadow of a doubt, he knew who was behind
his abduction.
"Ah. Mr. Powers, you're awake."
A nasal, yet strangely familiar Belgian accent came from a darkened corner
of the room. Charles rose groggily to a sitting position and blinked his eyes
in an attempt to get back some of his lost momentum. He groaned softly and
rubbed his hand through his hair, trying to at least provide some relief to his
throbbing skull.
"Not you again," he hissed through clinched teeth.
At that moment a light clicked on, revealing a figure sitting in a folding
chair. A beautiful cat sat in the man's lap, idly regarding Charles. The man
himself lazily stroked the cat with one hand, and held a pistol in the other.
His mad blue eyes were cooly amused. Charles looked at the man with disgust.
Once he might have laughed at the retarded gray jumpsuit that the man wore or
shuddered at the gross blue veins that spiderwebbed their way around the man's
pale bald head.
But things had come to far for that.
"So," Dr. Evil said, his eyes practically dancing in an 'oh I
have you now' sort of way, "what do you have to say for yourself, Mr.
Powers?"
Charles groaned and slapped his head. "Look, Evil, for the last damn
time, my name is not Austin Powers. It's Charles Ruttheimer. Firstly, I'm only
eighteen years old. Secondly, I'm not a spy for the English Secret Service, and
third...I'm American! I don't even remotely have an English accent!"
Dr. Evil seemed to ponder this for a minute. Then he sighed and spoke into
a microphone. "Scotty, it seems I've made a little goof. Call Domino's and
ask for a Meat Lovers, no mushrooms."
The microphone cracked and buzzed and a young man's voice answered,
"Dammit, Dad. That's Pizza Hut. Meat Lovers are a Pizza Hut trademark. You
really are a lame son of a....."
Dr. Evil hit a button and the line went dead. He sighed. "Kids,
today." He then turned his attention back to Charles. "Look, I'm
sorry about the little misunderstanding, but you really do look like him, you
know. Come down to the bridge with me. We're having pizza."
Charles looked at him incredulously. "You must be out of your
fu-" he began, and that was when Dr. Evil spun the chamber on the antique
pistol he held and pointed it at Charles.
"Mr. Bigglesworth insists." he said.
Charles sighed. It looked like this was gonna be one of those days, and
dammit, he had a Geometry test to study for.
FIN
--Brandon League
Quinn lay on her bed and thought over what had
happened in the past year.
She had finally gotten over her obsession with popularity and looks. It
felt so good to eat normally and not worry if she had had too many carrot
sticks. She actually loved cheeseburgers now.
But some days it was so hard pulling her 350-pound frame out of bed.
--M Man
Helen walked passed the guestroom and was
distracted by what sounded like a creeking sound. She'd half expected this sort
of nonsense to happen at Quinn's graduation party. Plucking up courage she
opened the door praying it wasn't Quinn she was going to catch in there.
As the door opened one of the happy couple disapeared under the covers, th
other just froze.
"Sandi Griffin, what the hell do you think you're doing? Your mother
will be hearing about this."
Sandi cound hardly speak, mearly stuttering. "Erm, sorry Mrs
Morgendorfer."
"And who's under the other half of that bed?"
Another figure poked there head out from under the bed clothes. Helen
instantly regonised her. "Rita" was all Helen could say before
fainting.
--Ned
Cackling madly in triumph, Monique slapped the
leather bullwhip against the palm of her hand as she prepared to apply a little
discipline to her unwilling ex-but-shortly-to-not-be-an-ex-lover, Trent Lane,
hoping the leather restraints binding his delicious thong-clad body to the
stage in the deserted Zon would hold him, when the doors at the entrance
crashed open and in stepped her nemesis, Daria Morgendorffer, clad in green and
black, who boldly stepped forward, raised her hand and pointed to Monique, saying,
"Flick that whip, crease his hip, and I'll slap you silly and save his
willy!"
--Roger E. Moore
Daria Morgendorffer was tied to a chair with
all her worst standing over her. There were Sandi Griffin, her sister Quinn,
Angela Li, Tom Sloane, Monique, Charles Ruttheimer III, and Beavis and
Butt-Head. Considering the sharp instruments they were holding, Daria knew she
was in serious trouble.
Suddenly, Trent Lane burst into the room, brandishing his machine gun,
which he promptly used to blow all of Daria's enemies away.
"Oh, Trent," said Daria as he untied her. "What can I ever
do to repay you for saving me?"
"How about a lifetime of wild, uninhibited sex?" he said.
"Sure!" said Daria. "It's been great ever since we first
did it in the Tank on the way to Alternapalooza. No point in stopping a good
thing."
-----
"Damn it!" cried Sandi Griffin. "Stacy and Quinn quit the
Fashion Club? What are we going to do for members now?"
"Um, I dunno," said Tiffany Blum-Deckler.
"Excuse us," said Daria Morgendorffer as she and Jane Lane
approached. "We realized we need to change our look if we want guys to
have wild, uninhibited sex with us. Can you help us?"
Sandi and Tiffany exchanged a conspiratorial smile. They had found the
perfect new members...
-----
"So let's get this straight," said Daria. "If I move into
your apartment and have sex with you every night, you'll pay for all my
expenses at Raft."
"That's correct," said Upchuck.
"Do you really think I'm going to accept this deal?" asked Daria.
"You can tape us if you want and sell the footage as porn
films," said Upchuck.
"You've got yourself a deal," said Daria.
--Aaron Adelman
"Damn, this line is moving fast."
Jane rolled her eyes at the camp, obviously gay couple in front of them. She
was bored with that sort of thing now.
Daria snorted in boredom. "It's a big city with a lot of tow trucks.
If you hadn't parked the car on the sidewalk we wouldn't be spending my
precious weekend time trying to get it back."
Jane scowled. "I had to GO! There just wasn't time to find a spot and
hike back. Do you want to buy me out?" They were sharing a car.
"Nah. I forgive you." Daria saw no need to have a car to
herself. Public transportation was excellent in San Francisco.
They had unexpectedly moved to the same city after college, each finding a
dream job. Daria was a cub reporter and Jane worked as a conservator in an art
museum. It was only natural that they share an apartment and since Daria hated
driving and almost always let Jane drive, it had been natural that they shared
a car.
Besides, Jane knew how to fix the car. The internal combustion engine
remained a mystery to Daria, who ignored all gauges and ran out of gas often.
A bailiff thrust a clipboard into Jane's hand. "It's already filled
out. Just pen in your names, addresses and social security numbers. Hurry,
because we're closing down in thirty minutes."
Jane scrawled in the information, then thrust the board at Daria, who
signed by the X and put her social security number down.
"They sure close early. It's barely nine thirty." Daria decided
to write her next freelance column on the evils of bureaucracy.
Jane shrugged. "They're fast though. I don't care so long as we get
our car."
The clerk hurried by, collecting clipboards.
The line sped up even faster. When they reached the head of the line, they
were issued a ticket and hustled to a large hall.
Daria looked around, frowning. "Look at all these people, Jane."
Jane looked. "What do you mean? They look- gay?"
A man on a podium watching the clock anxiously, opened a folder. "We
have to do it now, folks, before the court order comes into effect. By the
power vested in me by the city, I declare each couple with a valid license
married. Please present the ticket to pick up your papers at the window when
you leave."
Shocked, Daria blinked. "I don't think that was the line for
impounded cars, Jane."
A gay man turned and looked at them incredulously.
Jane, playing it to the hilt, grinning, slipped her arm around a shocked
Daria. "The little woman is just a bit overcome is all."
"Where is the line for annulments?" Daria felt faint.
The man laughed. "I'm a lawyer and girls, it could be months or years
before anything is annulled. The whole issue of gay marriage has to be decided
first."
"I'll tell your parents if you tell mine." Daria felt like
laughing hysterically.
Jane shrugged. "Whatever. it's not like it matters outside of this
city. Come on, Lane, let's go get our car."
"Lane?" Daria swallowed. This was real.
Jane laughed. "It's not like I'm going to change my name to
Morgendorffer. Besides, it'll be a better name for you. Save on ink."
--Nemo Blank
When Quinn woke up Monday morning with a broken
nail, bed hair, morning breath, and the realization that she'd washed her best
jeans with an open tube of lipstick in one pocket, she figured nothing worse
would happen for the rest of that day, and that remained true until third
period, when Sandi Griffin handed her the book review section of The New
York Times, having highlighted the fact that Daria Morgendorffer's new
novel, My Sister the Ho, had jumped to number one on the bestseller
list.
--Roger E. Moore
Grading science test papers was the
easiest thing in the world, reflected
Janet Barch that evening in the kitchen of her home. She started at the top of
the stack of papers. Charles Ruttheimer. She smiled and wrote F at the top of
the page without checking any of the answers. Next test: Kevin Thompson. F.
Michael Mackenzie. F.
The next test was covered with a Technicolor riot of crayon marks, either
gibberish or tiny pictures of people on fire or being blown up or run over by
trucks. At the bottom of the page, in response to the question, “What was the
most important formula discovered in the Twentieth Century?” was the reply, “E
= MC Hammer!”
Janet looked at the top of the page and was able to make out the name
“Daria” among the mass of scribbles. She made a tsk-tsk sound and shook her
head. Daria had obviously not yet recovered from her special project on the
effects of LSD-25 on reaction timing. After a pause, Janet lowered her pen and
wrote “A–” in the only clear spot on the page. She then gave a last look at the
“E = MC Hammer!” notation, smiled, and said, “Can’t touch that!” before going
to the next test.
--Roger E. Moore
Alterna-Ending to "Everything Happens For
a Reason"
~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~
Just as Daria was about to say "No, I won't go back out with you!'
again to Tom, she was sticken with a sharp pain in the chest. Instantly she was
overcome with love and devotion for her exboyfriend.
"He really is handsome.. and smart... and funny! Maybe I was too
hasty. I will go out with him again!" She shook herself out of her
dreamy stupor to tell Tom this when she suddenly realized he was slumped over
in the driver's seat with an arrow in his chest.
"DUDE!" shouted Cupid angrily from across the street. "Who
in the name of Aphrodite switched one of my love arrows with a real
one!?!"
And somewhere nearby, Guy Fawkes Day let out a sinister cackle.
--Mahna Mahna
"Hi, Stacy!" said Jamie, stopping her
as she was on her way to Geometry.
"Oh... hi Jamel!"
"It's Jamie," he said, losing his good mood for a slight second.
"I knew that Jamie. Did you want me to give Quinn a note again?"
Stacy sighed. She was so used to being a go-between for Quinn and the Three Js.
"No, no, Stace. I wanted to talk to you!"
"Really? Oh! Wow.. um.. okay." Stacy blushed a little.
"Yeah, I wanted to know I could come over for a swim later."
Stacy can I come over after school? (after school)
We can hang around by the pool (hang by the pool)
"Sure. Tonight's Fashion Club meeting was cancelled, anyway."
"Is your mom going to be there?" Jamie asked hopefully.
Did your mom get back from her business trip? (business trip)
Is she there or is she tryin to give me the slip? (give me the slip)
"My mom?" Stacy asked a little confusedly. "Yeah... she
should be."
"Perfect."
Stacy gave him a strange look.
"I...um..." Jamie continued. "... I haven't seen her since
I cut you guys's grass a few summers ago. I was just wondering how she
was."
You know I'm not the little boy that I used to be
I'm all grown-up now baby can't you see
"Oh, okay. Well, I've got to go to Geometry. See you after school,
Jermey!" she said as she walked away.
"It's Jamie!"
"Sorry!"
It hurt that Stacy couldn't remember his name, but even that couldn't take
away from the feeling of bliss Jamie was experiencing.
'Finally, I'll get to see you again, Mrs. Rowe!' thought Jamie, grabbing
his books for the next class and wondering if she'd remember him.
Stacy's mom has got it goin; on
She's all I want, and I've waited for so long
Stacy can't you see, you're just not the girl for me.
I know it might be wrong but I'm in love with Stacy's mom.
Stacy's mom has got it goin on
Stacy's mom has got it goin on
--Mahna Mahna
Helen stared in horror.
"Daria! Where are your pants? And why are you we-we-wearing that
skimpy little bikini?"
Daria smirked, and fell to the ground.
"I don't wanna say."
"Tell Momma where you got that nasty old thing!" Helen cried.
"I don't wanna say!" Daria replied.
"Now what does Momma say about little itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow
polka dot bikinis? What does Momma say?" Helen urged Daria for answer.
She clambored back to her feet, and stood staring into space. She
reluctantly began to answer.
"Momma always says that little girls who wear bikinis are only going
to attract creepy old men and most small animals."
--Betting on Delusions
Daria leaned against the old wrought-iron
fence, peering at the great looming shape atop the hill, dimly lit by the
autumn moon.
She sucked in a breath, then turned to address the small band of teenagers
she'd assembled.
"Okay...this looks like the old mansion. I'm sure I saw Dr. Fred take
Sandi here...and it's up to us to get her out." She paused. "This
could be dangerous. If anyone wants out..."
The redheaded boy swiveled on his heel, and started back down the path.
"Alright, I'm outta here!"
Daria scowled. "UPCHUCK! Don't be a tuna head! It's Sandi we're
talking about, here."
Upchuck froze in his tracks, his posture seeming to crumple in shame.
Sheepishly, he walked back to the group.
Mack, who had been fiddling nervously with his camera, suddenly spoke.
"Say, did any of you guys see that movie? Four kids went into this
strange house, and..." he cut himself off, a look of horror washing across
his face.
Daria frowned. "And what?"
"Uh...Never mind."
Not a further word was spoken from the band. Daria smiled, wanly.
"Okay...let's do it."
They began walking up the long path in silence...which Jesse broke.
"So...how do we get in the mansion?"
"We can try looking for a key under the door mat." Upchuck
answered, dripping with sarcasm. "Heck, in fact, I bet we'll find all the
keys to the place that we'll need, in plain reach!"
"Upchuck...Tuna head. You. Stop being. Now." Daria snapped.
--Ranchoth
"You know, I never really cared for
you," Sandi "Cobra" Griffin said to the comatose "Coral
Snake," "In fact, I despised you. But that doesn't mean I don't
respect you. And I am about to give you the ultimate honor."
As she jabbed the needle into "Coral Snake's" drip,
"Cobra" added, "Dying in your sleep is like, such a rare
privelege for one in our profession..." and as she was about to push the
poison into her former colleague's bloodstream, her cell phone rang...
--Ben Breeck
"I love you Trent" said Daria.
"I love you Daria" said Trent.
--Qwerty
Definitely a scene that should never be.
On the
first weekend in June after kindergarten was out, the Fashion Club--now
rechristened the Fertile Club by Stacy three meetings earlier--met for their
monthly get-together at the combination food court and playground in Cranberry
Commons Mall, and as always, after the toddlers were put inside the tube crawl,
the meeting was begun with the ceremonial shredding of a Greystar condom, the
very same frequently defective brand that had led to the name change of the
club.
--Roger E. Moore
"I
love you Trent" said Daria.
"I love you Daria" said Trent.
"Cameras ready?" shouted Upchuck in the
director's chair, with a leer of anticipation. "Okay, you
two--ACTION!"
--Roger E. Moore
Quinn screamed when she walked in Daria, who
was naked in bed with Jeffy, Jamie, and Joey.
"What?" said Daria. "It's not you were doing any of them
anyway."
--Aaron
Adelman
DARIA AND JANE IN BOSTON
(Setting: a small single-room apartment. Two beds; a lot of
"Daria" junk and "Jane" junk strewn around.
(Daria and Jane are standing around in their usual bed clothes. Jane is holding
a bottle of shampoo and looking sadly at it.)
JANE: Daria, do you have some conditioner I could borrow? I'm out.
DARIA: Jane! I thought you'd never ask!
(Daria grasps Jane in a passionate embrace. They both fall onto one of the
beds---mercifully, out of the camera angle.)
--Robert Nowall
Worst Daria analogies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brittany's voice was like the song "Angel" by Shaggy. It was
meant to be sweet, but instead it sent many people screaming into the night at
the first sounds of it.
.........................................
'Daria is kinda cute when she's mad,'
mused Trent, as Daria fumed before him. 'And kinda scary at the same time.
Like a cuddly, pink bunny with bloody fangs. Creepy.'
........................................
Daria and Tom's breakup and reunion were, as they later described it, like
the parting of the Red Sea. They had separated rather suddenly and
unexpectedly, then joined together again, inadvertantly causing the deaths of
many unsuspecting Egyptians.
--Mahna Mahna
"...ZINTHOS!" Daria shouted.
Nothing happened.
"...ZINTHOS!" Daria screamed.
Quinn remained firmly on the ground, blinking at Daria.
"...Zinthos?" Daria whispered.
Jane walked over and placed a concerned hand on her best friend's shoulder.
"It's only a TV show, amiga. Let it go. Let it go..."
Daria sobbed quietly as Quinn flounced out the door of the Morgendorffer
Residence.
--Betting
on Delusions
Jane didn't know what to think when Daria told
her she was marrying Kevin Thompson.
--Aaron Adelman
'Dude, but I can't! It's, like, not right!'
'Dude, you must! You have to! It's the only way to create the Grand
Anointed One who will lead humanity to a new age of happiness and
enlightenment! You MUST impregnate Daria Morgendorffer!
'But, dude, knock boots with her-?'
'You must! Go! Sex her down and save the world! THE CLITORIS HAS
SPOKEN!'
-Brother Grimace
Trent Lane tumbled
out of bed onto the floor, into a pool of blood pouring from his belly wound.
"Daria," he gasped, "please. I can explain - - - "
Daria Lane, the jilted wife, chambered another
round. "You're next, home-wrecker," she snarled.
"Does being covered with Trent's blood make me
look f-a-a-a-a-t?"
Daria fired the second shot.
--Steve Cross
Misty disolve to a cliff dewlling on the edge
of a huge desert, possibly in it. Cut to Daria sitting next to the cliff,
wearing a very conservative dress.
Kay Sloane(Voice Over): Tell us about your dream, son.
Daria turns to face the camera.
Tom(Voice Over): I'm with this girl, I think she is one of those Fremen,
big glasses frame her solid blue eyes, and I mean solid blue. She turns to me
and says:
Daria: Tell me about your homewold, Usul.
--Ben Breeck
The attic looked like it hadn't been opened
sincce the Sixties. It probably hadn't. Of course, it would have stayed closed,
except that the family matriarch had left some very strange bequests in her
will, and even though Helen, Rita, and Amy often didn't know what the were
looking for more often than not in this scavenger hunt, it was still better
that they and their spouses and children look for things rather than some
strangers. Actually, it was only Amy up there, Rita, Helen, and their
respective broods were elsewhere in the Barksdale mansion.
Amy Barksdale coughed as she dropped that cardboard box, spilling it's
contents with a THUD! She got down to pick up the stack.
Now this is strange, she thought, getting a
look at one book, with a bookmark sticking out. The Book of Shadows it
said on the hard leather cover, gold leaf "Gothic" type. She pulled
out the bookmark.
To my three dear daughters, who should never have stopped being sisters. it
said, May your sisterly bond mend and grow, that you may embrace your true
inheritance. The Power of Three Will Set You Free!
--Ben Breeck
Daria Morgendorffer stared with distate at the
respective brown, green and yellow lumps on her lunch tray. She took her fork
and prodded the yellow lump, gingerly, as though it were a live grenade that
might go off at any minute. With a grunt of annoyance, she threw her fork onto
her plate and frowned. Her best friend Jane Lane chose precisely that moment to
slide into the seat next to her.
"So what's the analysis, Captain? Is it animal, vegetable or
mineral?"
Jane grinned at her best friend. This was practically a daily ritual for
her.
"Well," said Daria, still frowning, "I've ascertained that
it's not cement. Other than that, I couldn't say." She noticed that Jane
didn't have a lunch tray. "Aren't you going to eat?"
"Of course I am, just not this slop," Jane said good-naturedly.
She reached into her jacket pocket and withdrew two brown-labelled candy bars.
She handed one to Daria, who took it gratefully. She took a closer look at the
label. Wonka's Chocolate Cruncher. Hmmm....chocolate!
Greedily, Daria tore open the candy bar and had it halfway to her lips
before she noticed the thin gold foil covering the chocolate bar. She pulled it
off gingerly.
Next to her, Jane had stopped eating in mid-bite and was looking at Daria
with eyes as wide as saucers. Without bothering to finish chewing she swallowed
her chocolate and snatched the paper out of Daria's hand.
"Oh...my....God...." she croaked, and with the grace of a
reindeer (and to the absolute shock of her best friend) Jane Lane leapt up on
the table and yelled, "Everybody! Look at this! Daria Morgendorffer found
a Golden Ticket!"
An instant uproar was caused by these words and as the entire lunchroom
rushed to their table to see for themselves...Daria couldn't help but have a
bad feeling about this.
FIN
--Brandon League
As Daria put the bullet into the pistol, she
took a last, sad look at the book sitting up against her computer monitor. She
glared at the label in the upper left hand corner that read "Fifteen Weeks
#1 New York Times Best Seller" and muttered curses under her breath. As
she raised the gun to her head, her eyes fell on the title: My Life With A
Fashion Don't by Quinn Morgendorffer.
--Ranger Thorne
"Trent, no!" cried Daria
melodramatically.
"Trent is dead," rasped Trent, pulling the cowl over his head.
"Call me - The Spiral!"
--Crusading Saint
"You have to be kidding me," Jane
said as she looked at the paper in her hand.
"No," Quinn assured her. She, like her sister, were sitting in
the lunchroom, staring at the table. "It's all over. Soon, I'll be a worse
outcast than you two ever were."
"You mean we will be," Daria groaned.
"Come on," Jane argued, "they can't be that bad. But,"
she looked confused, "why are they coming to live with you again?"
Daria sighed and looked up, "For the same reason that I would look
after them when we lived in Highland. You see," she gritted her teeth,
"Beavis and Butt-Head are the only children of Jake Morgendorffer's twin
sisters."
"They're our cousins!" Quinn lamented.
"And," Daria continued, "since the court decided that
they're both unfit parents, they're being sent to live with us." Quinn
began to sob next to her. "For once," Daria said, looking at her,
"I truly feel your pain."
--Ranger Thorne
"So, let me get this straight," said
Daria. "Mom's run off to marry Linda Griffin, Dad's in the living room
watching gay porn, Quinn's living in a commune with Stacy Rowe, Tom and Trent are
starting a gay men's sports bar, and Janet Barch and Ms. Li are running a
lesbian community workshop in the gymnasium after school. Plus, your parents
and all your other siblings have come out of the closet, and now you and I are
the only straight people left in Lawndale."
"That's about it, amiga," said Jane, kicking at a pebble.
Daria sighed and shook her head. "Damn those Democrats!" she
said.
--Roger E. Moore
Roger Moore couldn't believe his luck. It was
his first day at Lawndale High School, and already he was dating the two
coolest chicks on Earth--the cynical duo of Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane! Thank
God for my Greystar condoms! he thought with glee.
--Roger E. Moore
As the impossibly well-dressed, short-statured cabal
of humanoid creatures with jade-hued skin and platinum tufts of hair stood
overhead and watched from the balcony, Quinn Morgendorffer, Sandi Griffin,
Tiffany Blum-Deckler and Stacy Rowe stood before the impossibly-large,
emerald-colored camping illuminator, and raised their hands...
'Now,' one of the creatures spoke, 'recite the words, and claim your
places of destiny...'
As one, the girls spoke:
'In brightest day, in blackest night
No bad outfits will escape our sight!
Let those who worship the 'Casual Day's might
Beware our power - the Fashion Light!'
And the rings on their hands began to glow...
--Brother
Grimace
Daria and Jane were walking to school.
"Well, you haven't had much to say this morning," said Jane.
Jane pondered a moment.
"In fact, you haven't said anything."
Daria looked serious, as if she was deciding carefully whether to speak or
not.
"From now until the end of time," said Daria, "I've decided
to only speak in rhyme."
"C'mon, Daria," chuckled Jane.
"You think it's funny, don't you, Jane, or do you think I've gone
insane?"
"Daria, cut it out," said Jane. "Nobody talks like
that."
"I'll talk this way until I die, so let's proceed to Lawndale
High."
"Daria! You're creeping me out!"
"To creep you out is not my aim, but I will do it, all the
same."
"AAARRGGGGG!"
--M Man
Wind Lane embraced his fiancé in a passionate
kiss. His hands around her auburn hair, and her beautiful chestnut brown eyes.
This was the woman he meant to spend the rest of life with.
Forget Claudia, Katie, and Roxanne.
Wind thought to himself They're nothing compared to her. The absolute best.
He gently pulled out of the kiss, and asked her “Are you ready for this?”
She responded with a simple nod. He’s nothing compared to my other
boyfriends. He doesn’t want to use me or show me off as a piece of his property
“Of course I am.”
Wind grasped his fiancé’s hand and pulled her out of the door, and on
their way to the courthouse. Soon, he would become Mr. Wind Lane-Barch.
--Elizabeth Haynes
Daria fought back tears as she saw Trent and
Monique locked in a passionate embrace.
So it's true, they are staying together this time. She
left, trying to reconcile to the fact she would never be with her one true
love.
A single tear ran down her cheek. "I love you, Monique."
--Angelinhel
As Velma undid her 36DD bra and Daria buried
her face between the paranormal sleuth's magnificent breasts with a delighted
cry of "Jinkies!", Daria swore to herself she would one day find the
person who wrote her into this wretched crossover slash fanfic and strangle him
with her bare hands.
--Roger E. Moore
Trent Lane took the stage in front of the sold
out crowd at the Coyote Club and strummed a cord on his guitar.
"Santa Fe, Are you ready to rock?!"
The crowd roared in the affirmative.
"This first song is dedicated to a very special lady. Everything I am
today I owe to her love and support and guidence. I love you, baby, more than
anything!"
Backstage, Sandi Griffin could only smile and think back to how it all
began.
--WacoKid
"Please," Daria begged as she wrapped
her arms around Tom's ankle. "I know I don't deserve you but I can't live
without you! Take me back! I promise I'll do whatever you want!"
"God, Daria, stop embaressing yourself," Tom said, trying to
shake himself free.
"Besides," Sandi said as she nibbled on Tom's ear, "he's
already found someone much more suitable."
"Yeah," Tiffany drawled as she nuzzled Tom's neck. "Much
more."
"We can give him everything you couldn't," Stacy chirped,
running her hand along Tom's chest.
"And Daria," Quinn sighed while fondling Tom's butt,
"Grovelling is so unfashionable."
Daria could only lay on the sidewalk and weep for she knew it was all true.
--WacoKid
As Stacy did that incredible thing with her
tongue, Jake snorted another line off of Sandi's left breast and decided that
hiring Quinn's friends as office assistants was the best decision he'd ever
made.
--WacoKid
The entire population of Lawndale was in
danger, and only one thing could save them now.
"The entire population of Lawndale is in danger," David
MacAllister said extraneously. "Only one thing can save them now."
"What's that?" Lynn Cullen asked boredly.
"Why us, of course," Darren Appleton replied while admiring
himself in the mirror.
"Very well," Lynn sighed, her natural apathy overcome by
Darren's hypnotic powers.
The three gathered in a circle and touched hands before speaking the magic
words that would give them the strength to save Lawndale.
"MARY SUE POWERS, ACTIVATE!"
--WacoKid
And now, for your entertainment pleasure, Kevin
Thompson and the Tommy Sherman Memorial Kazoo Band will do their rendition of
"Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall"!
--Aaron Adelman
Trent sat on the coffeehouse's stool and spoke
into the microphone.
"Hey....this one was written by my fiancee, Pheobe....Love you,
Pheebs!"
From across the room, Phoebe smiled as he began to sing.
"Smelly cat...smelly cat... what are they feeding you..... smelly
cat...smelly cat... it's not your fault....."
"He's cute," Rachel said.
"Are you kidding? He is *not* cute," said Monica.
"Oh, what do you know about guys? You married Chandler!" said
Pheobe.
Monica shook her head. "I'm sorry... I guess I'm just kind of
distracted because of... well... you know...." She pointed to across the
room where her brother Ross sat engaged in liplock with New York's newest
paleontologist, Daria Morgendorffer.
--Mahna Mahna
...As Jane struggled against the rawhide
bindings, she could still hear Daria's voice—calm and collected as ever,
muffled only slightly by the swish of the razor-edged pendulum swinging
overhead.
"Yes, Jane. One of my ancestors, Baron von Morgen himself, spent many
a happy hour working in this chamber, in the service of the Holy
Inquisition." Daria chortled, her laughs echoing through the catacombs.
"These walls were old, even then."
--Ranchoth
"So, Quinn," Sandi said, caressing
her bullwhip, "I see you have elected the way of PAIN!"
--WacoKid
"Oh! My! God!" Thom cried. "This
room is hor-i-ble! These padded walls have got to go!"
"And look at this!" Carson shrieked. "She only has three
outfits, can you believe it! And every one of them is ugly."
Kyan came out of the bathroom and just tisked. "Do you use any skin
care products at all? And why is there no deoderant in your bathroom?"
"Guys," Ted chimed in as he returned from the kitchen, "we
have got to teach this girl to eat something other than pizza, pop tarts and
frozen lassagnia."
"Don't worry, guys, "Jai chirped, " we're going to fix all
of that and actually teach Daria how to act like a real human being!"
Daria couldn't wait and bounced up and down in anticipation.
--WacoKid
Daria looked over the top of her glasses at the
rest of their group. "Okay, guys, we're in a spooky mansion with an
unknown housekeeper that just kind of freaks me out, and reports of ghosts.
What are we going to do?"
"Hey, Babe," Kevin Thompson looked at Brittany, "Let's go check
the other room."
"Okay, Fred...um, I mean Kevvy."
Daria humphed as they bounded off, hoping the ghosts would get them. She
looked over at Trent. "Do you want to search with me?"
"No, I think I'll head to the kitchen. I've got the munchies."
"Rowwwwr. I'll go with you, Daria," Charles said.
"Why don't you go with Trent. He might need help working that butter
knife in his condition."
After Charles and Trent left to find the kitchen, Daria looked around her,
and said outloud, "Crap. Now I'm stuck with this stupid, horny little
dog."
"What's wrong with that, babe?" replied Scrappy-doo.
Scrappy-doo looked up just in time to see Daria point the magnum down at
him.
--Bryan Lagerstam
It was a nice day.
Really, it was. There was no way around that fact.
The sun was shining and there wasn't a cloud in the sky.
Somewhere, a bird was chirping.
You could even smell the scent of freshly made donuts coming from the
local shop.
It really was picture perfect.
That was when the bus full of nuns was vaperized by the crazed monkey with
a laser cannon.
Meanwhile, in Lawndale ....
--WacoKid
Jane: I know you've had a tough time since
breaking with Tom and them your parents getting divourced.
Daria: Not the mention there blatent showering of gifts at Quinn.
Jane: Any how Daria, I think you should meet the guy I've been dating.
Jane's new date walks in, putts his arm round Jane and gives her a kiss.
Jane's Date: Hey kiddo.
--Ned
Daria jiggled her foot nervously in anticipation as the moving van sped farther from her old home in Highland and closer to Lawndale, her future.