Scenes no Daria fanfic should ever have! I


"Oh, my God!" cried Daria in horror the next morning, when she awoke in bed next to the sleeping nude form of her best friend Jane, "I've... I've... I've become a THESPIAN!"

--Roger E. Moore



It was a dark and stormy Lawndale night. Suddenly, a shot rang out. Upchuck screamed!


--Martin J. Pollard



As Daria contemplated with anticipation all the things she would do with and to Duck Dodgers in the cabin on that space cruise, a very dopey expression slowly crossed her lips, causing Jane to clear her throat in reporach.


--Ben Breeck



"This is so important," Timothy O'Neill said, "extremely unimportant of course. Yes important and unimportant and very nescessary and extraneous!"


--Ben Breeck



I don't believe this, thought Daria, not am I going to be sepperated from Trent, but Jane and I have to go to some place that looks like Emerald City in order to go to school at someplace that's like a cross between Hogwarts and the Vatican9?


--Ben Breeck



"You're just so.... cool!" Daria said in awe.

"And funny," added Jane with a smirk.

"And really talented," said Trent.

"We're just so glad you're our friend, Mahna Sue!!!" exclaimed Tom.

(A/N: jus CaUse she haS da SamE nam as mE 'n acts lik me and lOOks lik me, dun thinK she *is* me cus shez not!!!!!! ^_^)

"Oh stop!" Mahna Sue smiled, showing her perfectly straight teeth that were white as snow.


--Mahna Mahna



"...and then Monique was there and she was a bitch and Trent said, 'Daria I love you, marry me please!' and Daria said 'Trent I love you so much and I'm pregnant with your baby.' and then they both cried and smiled and were happy and Monique was all mad because she's evil and doesn't want anyone to be happy and jealous about Trent loving Daria more than her but then Jane beat her up and Daria and Trent got married and named their daughter Jane and they all lived happily ever after, except for Quinn who's clothes got paint on them. The end!"

--Isa Yo-Jo



Daria couldn't believe it. She was about to marry the most wonderful man in the world, Kevin Thompson.


--Aaron Adelman



Daria couldn't believe it. She was about to marry the most wonderful man in the world, Charles Ruttheimer.

Daria couldn't believe it. She was about to marry the most wonderful man in the world, Anthony DeMartino.

Daria couldn't believe it. She was about to marry the most wonderful man in the world, Tad Gupty.

Daria couldn't believe it. She was about to marry the most wonderful woman in the world, Brittany Taylor.


--Beth Ann



The lights in the crowded room went down, and murmurs of excitrment simmered through the crowd. They were anxious to see if it was true, if they'd get to see the best at work...

A voice exploded from the loudspeaker. "Listen to the one that knows, gentlemen! There's all sorts of women - they'll make you scream, they'll make you cry, but after you seeTHIS honey, you'll have to DIE! Put your hands together for the star attraction at the 'Cherry Pop'Inn' - The Misery Chick!"

The room exploded in a shower of applause, cheering and bills of HIGH denominations as Daria Morgendorffer, dressed in her ordinary outfit and carrying her book bag over, truged dejectedly out from behind the neon-purple slik curtains...


--Brother Grimace



Ms. Barch was overjoyed that she finally was going to live out her lifelong dream: to pose nude for _Eyeful_.


--Aaron Adelman



Sandi Griffin smiled knowingly as the sounds of Quinn Morgendorffer's pleasure rose, plateaued, and then dissapated from her bedroom.

"Are you done yet?" she asked, and seeing Quinn nod, claapped her hands together and held them open so Fluffy, her cat, could run back to her mistress.

"You were right, Sandi," Quinn gasped, reaching for her wallet. "That WAS the most incredible sponge bath I've ever had-!"


--Brother Grimace



Trent began to sing. The gentle notes of his battered old acoustic guitar and his soft, mournful singing rang clearly in the farthest corners of the packed church. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he stood in front of Daria’s coffin, but his voice held clear and steady. The hundreds of mourners listened in hushed, tearful silence as Trent began the second verse:

“What was it you were looking for
that took your life that night?
They say they found my navel ring
Clutched in your fingers tight…”


--Galen Hardesty



And then Jane and I kissed passionately enjoying the feel of eachother. I was suddenly happy that I'd left my boyfriend and we were both happy that Tom had been turned into a flea by the good witch Andrea.

"Jane," I said softly, not wanting to ruin the mood, "have you seen my pants?"


--Isa Yo-Jo



In an effort to prove to Daria that she's ok with her going out with Tom, Jane invites the two of them together along with herself for a threesome where each of them must bring one of these 3 things: a thong, an eggbeater, and a penguin. And the girls aren't bringing the thong!





"Huh? Where am I?" Charles Ruttheimer awoke with a start. There was a dull throbbing pain in his temple and a strange acidic aftertaste in his mouth. He knew at once he'd been drugged. But by whom? Who would go to this extreme (not to mention insane) length to get him here? Then he blinked. He knew. Without a shadow of a doubt, he knew who was behind his abduction.

"Ah. Mr. Powers, you're awake."

A nasal, yet strangely familiar Belgian accent came from a darkened corner of the room. Charles rose groggily to a sitting position and blinked his eyes in an attempt to get back some of his lost momentum. He groaned softly and rubbed his hand through his hair, trying to at least provide some relief to his throbbing skull.

"Not you again," he hissed through clinched teeth.

At that moment a light clicked on, revealing a figure sitting in a folding chair. A beautiful cat sat in the man's lap, idly regarding Charles. The man himself lazily stroked the cat with one hand, and held a pistol in the other. His mad blue eyes were cooly amused. Charles looked at the man with disgust. Once he might have laughed at the retarded gray jumpsuit that the man wore or shuddered at the gross blue veins that spiderwebbed their way around the man's pale bald head.

But things had come to far for that.

"So," Dr. Evil said, his eyes practically dancing in an 'oh I have you now' sort of way, "what do you have to say for yourself, Mr. Powers?"

Charles groaned and slapped his head. "Look, Evil, for the last damn time, my name is not Austin Powers. It's Charles Ruttheimer. Firstly, I'm only eighteen years old. Secondly, I'm not a spy for the English Secret Service, and third...I'm American! I don't even remotely have an English accent!"

Dr. Evil seemed to ponder this for a minute. Then he sighed and spoke into a microphone. "Scotty, it seems I've made a little goof. Call Domino's and ask for a Meat Lovers, no mushrooms."

The microphone cracked and buzzed and a young man's voice answered, "Dammit, Dad. That's Pizza Hut. Meat Lovers are a Pizza Hut trademark. You really are a lame son of a....."

Dr. Evil hit a button and the line went dead. He sighed. "Kids, today." He then turned his attention back to Charles. "Look, I'm sorry about the little misunderstanding, but you really do look like him, you know. Come down to the bridge with me. We're having pizza."

Charles looked at him incredulously. "You must be out of your fu-" he began, and that was when Dr. Evil spun the chamber on the antique pistol he held and pointed it at Charles.

"Mr. Bigglesworth insists." he said.

Charles sighed. It looked like this was gonna be one of those days, and dammit, he had a Geometry test to study for.



--Brandon League



Quinn lay on her bed and thought over what had happened in the past year.

She had finally gotten over her obsession with popularity and looks. It felt so good to eat normally and not worry if she had had too many carrot sticks. She actually loved cheeseburgers now.

But some days it was so hard pulling her 350-pound frame out of bed.


--M Man



Helen walked passed the guestroom and was distracted by what sounded like a creeking sound. She'd half expected this sort of nonsense to happen at Quinn's graduation party. Plucking up courage she opened the door praying it wasn't Quinn she was going to catch in there.

As the door opened one of the happy couple disapeared under the covers, th other just froze.

"Sandi Griffin, what the hell do you think you're doing? Your mother will be hearing about this."

Sandi cound hardly speak, mearly stuttering. "Erm, sorry Mrs Morgendorfer."

"And who's under the other half of that bed?"

Another figure poked there head out from under the bed clothes. Helen instantly regonised her. "Rita" was all Helen could say before fainting.





Cackling madly in triumph, Monique slapped the leather bullwhip against the palm of her hand as she prepared to apply a little discipline to her unwilling ex-but-shortly-to-not-be-an-ex-lover, Trent Lane, hoping the leather restraints binding his delicious thong-clad body to the stage in the deserted Zon would hold him, when the doors at the entrance crashed open and in stepped her nemesis, Daria Morgendorffer, clad in green and black, who boldly stepped forward, raised her hand and pointed to Monique, saying, "Flick that whip, crease his hip, and I'll slap you silly and save his willy!"


--Roger E. Moore



Daria Morgendorffer was tied to a chair with all her worst standing over her. There were Sandi Griffin, her sister Quinn, Angela Li, Tom Sloane, Monique, Charles Ruttheimer III, and Beavis and Butt-Head. Considering the sharp instruments they were holding, Daria knew she was in serious trouble.

Suddenly, Trent Lane burst into the room, brandishing his machine gun, which he promptly used to blow all of Daria's enemies away.

"Oh, Trent," said Daria as he untied her. "What can I ever do to repay you for saving me?"

"How about a lifetime of wild, uninhibited sex?" he said.

"Sure!" said Daria. "It's been great ever since we first did it in the Tank on the way to Alternapalooza. No point in stopping a good thing."


"Damn it!" cried Sandi Griffin. "Stacy and Quinn quit the Fashion Club? What are we going to do for members now?"

"Um, I dunno," said Tiffany Blum-Deckler.

"Excuse us," said Daria Morgendorffer as she and Jane Lane approached. "We realized we need to change our look if we want guys to have wild, uninhibited sex with us. Can you help us?"

Sandi and Tiffany exchanged a conspiratorial smile. They had found the perfect new members...


"So let's get this straight," said Daria. "If I move into your apartment and have sex with you every night, you'll pay for all my expenses at Raft."

"That's correct," said Upchuck.

"Do you really think I'm going to accept this deal?" asked Daria.

"You can tape us if you want and sell the footage as porn films," said Upchuck.

"You've got yourself a deal," said Daria.


--Aaron Adelman



"Damn, this line is moving fast." Jane rolled her eyes at the camp, obviously gay couple in front of them. She was bored with that sort of thing now.

Daria snorted in boredom. "It's a big city with a lot of tow trucks. If you hadn't parked the car on the sidewalk we wouldn't be spending my precious weekend time trying to get it back."

Jane scowled. "I had to GO! There just wasn't time to find a spot and hike back. Do you want to buy me out?" They were sharing a car.

"Nah. I forgive you." Daria saw no need to have a car to herself. Public transportation was excellent in San Francisco.

They had unexpectedly moved to the same city after college, each finding a dream job. Daria was a cub reporter and Jane worked as a conservator in an art museum. It was only natural that they share an apartment and since Daria hated driving and almost always let Jane drive, it had been natural that they shared a car.

Besides, Jane knew how to fix the car. The internal combustion engine remained a mystery to Daria, who ignored all gauges and ran out of gas often.

A bailiff thrust a clipboard into Jane's hand. "It's already filled out. Just pen in your names, addresses and social security numbers. Hurry, because we're closing down in thirty minutes."

Jane scrawled in the information, then thrust the board at Daria, who signed by the X and put her social security number down.

"They sure close early. It's barely nine thirty." Daria decided to write her next freelance column on the evils of bureaucracy.

Jane shrugged. "They're fast though. I don't care so long as we get our car."

The clerk hurried by, collecting clipboards.

The line sped up even faster. When they reached the head of the line, they were issued a ticket and hustled to a large hall.

Daria looked around, frowning. "Look at all these people, Jane."

Jane looked. "What do you mean? They look- gay?"

A man on a podium watching the clock anxiously, opened a folder. "We have to do it now, folks, before the court order comes into effect. By the power vested in me by the city, I declare each couple with a valid license married. Please present the ticket to pick up your papers at the window when you leave."

Shocked, Daria blinked. "I don't think that was the line for impounded cars, Jane."

A gay man turned and looked at them incredulously.

Jane, playing it to the hilt, grinning, slipped her arm around a shocked Daria. "The little woman is just a bit overcome is all."

"Where is the line for annulments?" Daria felt faint.

The man laughed. "I'm a lawyer and girls, it could be months or years before anything is annulled. The whole issue of gay marriage has to be decided first."

"I'll tell your parents if you tell mine." Daria felt like laughing hysterically.

Jane shrugged. "Whatever. it's not like it matters outside of this city. Come on, Lane, let's go get our car."

"Lane?" Daria swallowed. This was real.

Jane laughed. "It's not like I'm going to change my name to Morgendorffer. Besides, it'll be a better name for you. Save on ink."


--Nemo Blank



When Quinn woke up Monday morning with a broken nail, bed hair, morning breath, and the realization that she'd washed her best jeans with an open tube of lipstick in one pocket, she figured nothing worse would happen for the rest of that day, and that remained true until third period, when Sandi Griffin handed her the book review section of The New York Times, having highlighted the fact that Daria Morgendorffer's new novel, My Sister the Ho, had jumped to number one on the bestseller list.


--Roger E. Moore



Grading science test papers was the easiest thing in the world, reflected Janet Barch that evening in the kitchen of her home. She started at the top of the stack of papers. Charles Ruttheimer. She smiled and wrote F at the top of the page without checking any of the answers. Next test: Kevin Thompson. F. Michael Mackenzie. F.

The next test was covered with a Technicolor riot of crayon marks, either gibberish or tiny pictures of people on fire or being blown up or run over by trucks. At the bottom of the page, in response to the question, “What was the most important formula discovered in the Twentieth Century?” was the reply, “E = MC Hammer!”

Janet looked at the top of the page and was able to make out the name “Daria” among the mass of scribbles. She made a tsk-tsk sound and shook her head. Daria had obviously not yet recovered from her special project on the effects of LSD-25 on reaction timing. After a pause, Janet lowered her pen and wrote “A–” in the only clear spot on the page. She then gave a last look at the “E = MC Hammer!” notation, smiled, and said, “Can’t touch that!” before going to the next test.


--Roger E. Moore



Alterna-Ending to "Everything Happens For a Reason"

Just as Daria was about to say "No, I won't go back out with you!' again to Tom, she was sticken with a sharp pain in the chest. Instantly she was overcome with love and devotion for her exboyfriend.

"He really is handsome.. and smart... and funny! Maybe I was too hasty. I will go out with him again!" She shook herself out of her dreamy stupor to tell Tom this when she suddenly realized he was slumped over in the driver's seat with an arrow in his chest.

"DUDE!" shouted Cupid angrily from across the street. "Who in the name of Aphrodite switched one of my love arrows with a real one!?!"

And somewhere nearby, Guy Fawkes Day let out a sinister cackle.


--Mahna Mahna



"Hi, Stacy!" said Jamie, stopping her as she was on her way to Geometry.

"Oh... hi Jamel!"

"It's Jamie," he said, losing his good mood for a slight second.

"I knew that Jamie. Did you want me to give Quinn a note again?" Stacy sighed. She was so used to being a go-between for Quinn and the Three Js.

"No, no, Stace. I wanted to talk to you!"

"Really? Oh! Wow.. um.. okay." Stacy blushed a little.

"Yeah, I wanted to know I could come over for a swim later."

Stacy can I come over after school? (after school)
We can hang around by the pool (hang by the pool)

"Sure. Tonight's Fashion Club meeting was cancelled, anyway."

"Is your mom going to be there?" Jamie asked hopefully.

Did your mom get back from her business trip? (business trip)
Is she there or is she tryin to give me the slip? (give me the slip)

"My mom?" Stacy asked a little confusedly. "Yeah... she should be."


Stacy gave him a strange look.

"" Jamie continued. "... I haven't seen her since I cut you guys's grass a few summers ago. I was just wondering how she was."

You know I'm not the little boy that I used to be
I'm all grown-up now baby can't you see

"Oh, okay. Well, I've got to go to Geometry. See you after school, Jermey!" she said as she walked away.

"It's Jamie!"


It hurt that Stacy couldn't remember his name, but even that couldn't take away from the feeling of bliss Jamie was experiencing.

'Finally, I'll get to see you again, Mrs. Rowe!' thought Jamie, grabbing his books for the next class and wondering if she'd remember him.

Stacy's mom has got it goin; on
She's all I want, and I've waited for so long
Stacy can't you see, you're just not the girl for me.
I know it might be wrong but I'm in love with Stacy's mom.
Stacy's mom has got it goin on
Stacy's mom has got it goin on


--Mahna Mahna



Helen stared in horror.

"Daria! Where are your pants? And why are you we-we-wearing that skimpy little bikini?"

Daria smirked, and fell to the ground.

"I don't wanna say."

"Tell Momma where you got that nasty old thing!" Helen cried.

"I don't wanna say!" Daria replied.

"Now what does Momma say about little itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikinis? What does Momma say?" Helen urged Daria for answer.

She clambored back to her feet, and stood staring into space. She reluctantly began to answer.

"Momma always says that little girls who wear bikinis are only going to attract creepy old men and most small animals."


--Betting on Delusions



Daria leaned against the old wrought-iron fence, peering at the great looming shape atop the hill, dimly lit by the autumn moon.

She sucked in a breath, then turned to address the small band of teenagers she'd assembled.

"Okay...this looks like the old mansion. I'm sure I saw Dr. Fred take Sandi here...and it's up to us to get her out." She paused. "This could be dangerous. If anyone wants out..."

The redheaded boy swiveled on his heel, and started back down the path. "Alright, I'm outta here!"

Daria scowled. "UPCHUCK! Don't be a tuna head! It's Sandi we're talking about, here."

Upchuck froze in his tracks, his posture seeming to crumple in shame. Sheepishly, he walked back to the group.

Mack, who had been fiddling nervously with his camera, suddenly spoke.

"Say, did any of you guys see that movie? Four kids went into this strange house, and..." he cut himself off, a look of horror washing across his face.

Daria frowned. "And what?"

"Uh...Never mind."

Not a further word was spoken from the band. Daria smiled, wanly.

"Okay...let's do it."

They began walking up the long path in silence...which Jesse broke.

" do we get in the mansion?"

"We can try looking for a key under the door mat." Upchuck answered, dripping with sarcasm. "Heck, in fact, I bet we'll find all the keys to the place that we'll need, in plain reach!"

"Upchuck...Tuna head. You. Stop being. Now." Daria snapped.




"You know, I never really cared for you," Sandi "Cobra" Griffin said to the comatose "Coral Snake," "In fact, I despised you. But that doesn't mean I don't respect you. And I am about to give you the ultimate honor."

As she jabbed the needle into "Coral Snake's" drip, "Cobra" added, "Dying in your sleep is like, such a rare privelege for one in our profession..." and as she was about to push the poison into her former colleague's bloodstream, her cell phone rang...


--Ben Breeck



"I love you Trent" said Daria.

"I love you Daria" said Trent.



Definitely a scene that should never be.

On the first weekend in June after kindergarten was out, the Fashion Club--now rechristened the Fertile Club by Stacy three meetings earlier--met for their monthly get-together at the combination food court and playground in Cranberry Commons Mall, and as always, after the toddlers were put inside the tube crawl, the meeting was begun with the ceremonial shredding of a Greystar condom, the very same frequently defective brand that had led to the name change of the club.


--Roger E. Moore



"I love you Trent" said Daria.

"I love you Daria" said Trent.


"Cameras ready?" shouted Upchuck in the director's chair, with a leer of anticipation. "Okay, you two--ACTION!"


--Roger E. Moore



Quinn screamed when she walked in Daria, who was naked in bed with Jeffy, Jamie, and Joey.

"What?" said Daria. "It's not you were doing any of them anyway."

--Aaron Adelman




(Setting: a small single-room apartment. Two beds; a lot of "Daria" junk and "Jane" junk strewn around.

(Daria and Jane are standing around in their usual bed clothes. Jane is holding a bottle of shampoo and looking sadly at it.)

JANE: Daria, do you have some conditioner I could borrow? I'm out.

DARIA: Jane! I thought you'd never ask!

(Daria grasps Jane in a passionate embrace. They both fall onto one of the beds---mercifully, out of the camera angle.)


--Robert Nowall



Worst Daria analogies

Brittany's voice was like the song "Angel" by Shaggy. It was meant to be sweet, but instead it sent many people screaming into the night at the first sounds of it.


'Daria is kinda cute when she's mad,' mused Trent, as Daria fumed before him. 'And kinda scary at the same time. Like a cuddly, pink bunny with bloody fangs. Creepy.'


Daria and Tom's breakup and reunion were, as they later described it, like the parting of the Red Sea. They had separated rather suddenly and unexpectedly, then joined together again, inadvertantly causing the deaths of many unsuspecting Egyptians.


--Mahna Mahna



"...ZINTHOS!" Daria shouted.

Nothing happened.

"...ZINTHOS!" Daria screamed.

Quinn remained firmly on the ground, blinking at Daria.

"...Zinthos?" Daria whispered.

Jane walked over and placed a concerned hand on her best friend's shoulder.

"It's only a TV show, amiga. Let it go. Let it go..."

Daria sobbed quietly as Quinn flounced out the door of the Morgendorffer Residence.

--Betting on Delusions



Jane didn't know what to think when Daria told her she was marrying Kevin Thompson.


--Aaron Adelman



'Dude, but I can't! It's, like, not right!'

'Dude, you must! You have to! It's the only way to create the Grand Anointed One who will lead humanity to a new age of happiness and enlightenment! You MUST impregnate Daria Morgendorffer!

'But, dude, knock boots with her-?'

'You must! Go! Sex her down and save the world! THE CLITORIS HAS SPOKEN!'


-Brother Grimace



Trent Lane tumbled out of bed onto the floor, into a pool of blood pouring from his belly wound. "Daria," he gasped, "please. I can explain - - - "

Daria Lane, the jilted wife, chambered another round. "You're next, home-wrecker," she snarled.

"Does being covered with Trent's blood make me look f-a-a-a-a-t?"

Daria fired the second shot.


--Steve Cross



Misty disolve to a cliff dewlling on the edge of a huge desert, possibly in it. Cut to Daria sitting next to the cliff, wearing a very conservative dress.

Kay Sloane(Voice Over): Tell us about your dream, son.

Daria turns to face the camera.

Tom(Voice Over): I'm with this girl, I think she is one of those Fremen, big glasses frame her solid blue eyes, and I mean solid blue. She turns to me and says:

Daria: Tell me about your homewold, Usul.


--Ben Breeck



The attic looked like it hadn't been opened sincce the Sixties. It probably hadn't. Of course, it would have stayed closed, except that the family matriarch had left some very strange bequests in her will, and even though Helen, Rita, and Amy often didn't know what the were looking for more often than not in this scavenger hunt, it was still better that they and their spouses and children look for things rather than some strangers. Actually, it was only Amy up there, Rita, Helen, and their respective broods were elsewhere in the Barksdale mansion.

Amy Barksdale coughed as she dropped that cardboard box, spilling it's contents with a THUD! She got down to pick up the stack.

Now this is strange, she thought, getting a look at one book, with a bookmark sticking out. The Book of Shadows it said on the hard leather cover, gold leaf "Gothic" type. She pulled out the bookmark.

To my three dear daughters, who should never have stopped being sisters. it said, May your sisterly bond mend and grow, that you may embrace your true inheritance. The Power of Three Will Set You Free!


--Ben Breeck



Daria Morgendorffer stared with distate at the respective brown, green and yellow lumps on her lunch tray. She took her fork and prodded the yellow lump, gingerly, as though it were a live grenade that might go off at any minute. With a grunt of annoyance, she threw her fork onto her plate and frowned. Her best friend Jane Lane chose precisely that moment to slide into the seat next to her.

"So what's the analysis, Captain? Is it animal, vegetable or mineral?"
Jane grinned at her best friend. This was practically a daily ritual for her.

"Well," said Daria, still frowning, "I've ascertained that it's not cement. Other than that, I couldn't say." She noticed that Jane didn't have a lunch tray. "Aren't you going to eat?"

"Of course I am, just not this slop," Jane said good-naturedly. She reached into her jacket pocket and withdrew two brown-labelled candy bars. She handed one to Daria, who took it gratefully. She took a closer look at the label. Wonka's Chocolate Cruncher. Hmmm....chocolate!

Greedily, Daria tore open the candy bar and had it halfway to her lips before she noticed the thin gold foil covering the chocolate bar. She pulled it off gingerly.

Next to her, Jane had stopped eating in mid-bite and was looking at Daria with eyes as wide as saucers. Without bothering to finish chewing she swallowed her chocolate and snatched the paper out of Daria's hand.

"" she croaked, and with the grace of a reindeer (and to the absolute shock of her best friend) Jane Lane leapt up on the table and yelled, "Everybody! Look at this! Daria Morgendorffer found a Golden Ticket!"

An instant uproar was caused by these words and as the entire lunchroom rushed to their table to see for themselves...Daria couldn't help but have a bad feeling about this.



--Brandon League



As Daria put the bullet into the pistol, she took a last, sad look at the book sitting up against her computer monitor. She glared at the label in the upper left hand corner that read "Fifteen Weeks #1 New York Times Best Seller" and muttered curses under her breath. As she raised the gun to her head, her eyes fell on the title: My Life With A Fashion Don't by Quinn Morgendorffer.


--Ranger Thorne



"Trent, no!" cried Daria melodramatically.
"Trent is dead," rasped Trent, pulling the cowl over his head. "Call me - The Spiral!"


--Crusading Saint



"You have to be kidding me," Jane said as she looked at the paper in her hand.

"No," Quinn assured her. She, like her sister, were sitting in the lunchroom, staring at the table. "It's all over. Soon, I'll be a worse outcast than you two ever were."

"You mean we will be," Daria groaned.

"Come on," Jane argued, "they can't be that bad. But," she looked confused, "why are they coming to live with you again?"

Daria sighed and looked up, "For the same reason that I would look after them when we lived in Highland. You see," she gritted her teeth, "Beavis and Butt-Head are the only children of Jake Morgendorffer's twin sisters."

"They're our cousins!" Quinn lamented.

"And," Daria continued, "since the court decided that they're both unfit parents, they're being sent to live with us." Quinn began to sob next to her. "For once," Daria said, looking at her, "I truly feel your pain."


--Ranger Thorne



"So, let me get this straight," said Daria. "Mom's run off to marry Linda Griffin, Dad's in the living room watching gay porn, Quinn's living in a commune with Stacy Rowe, Tom and Trent are starting a gay men's sports bar, and Janet Barch and Ms. Li are running a lesbian community workshop in the gymnasium after school. Plus, your parents and all your other siblings have come out of the closet, and now you and I are the only straight people left in Lawndale."

"That's about it, amiga," said Jane, kicking at a pebble.

Daria sighed and shook her head. "Damn those Democrats!" she said.


--Roger E. Moore



Roger Moore couldn't believe his luck. It was his first day at Lawndale High School, and already he was dating the two coolest chicks on Earth--the cynical duo of Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane! Thank God for my Greystar condoms! he thought with glee.


--Roger E. Moore



As the impossibly well-dressed, short-statured cabal of humanoid creatures with jade-hued skin and platinum tufts of hair stood overhead and watched from the balcony, Quinn Morgendorffer, Sandi Griffin, Tiffany Blum-Deckler and Stacy Rowe stood before the impossibly-large, emerald-colored camping illuminator, and raised their hands...

'Now,' one of the creatures spoke, 'recite the words, and claim your places of destiny...'

As one, the girls spoke:

'In brightest day, in blackest night
No bad outfits will escape our sight!
Let those who worship the 'Casual Day's might
Beware our power - the Fashion Light!'

And the rings on their hands began to glow...

--Brother Grimace



Daria and Jane were walking to school.

"Well, you haven't had much to say this morning," said Jane.

Jane pondered a moment.

"In fact, you haven't said anything."

Daria looked serious, as if she was deciding carefully whether to speak or not.

"From now until the end of time," said Daria, "I've decided to only speak in rhyme."

"C'mon, Daria," chuckled Jane.

"You think it's funny, don't you, Jane, or do you think I've gone insane?"

"Daria, cut it out," said Jane. "Nobody talks like that."

"I'll talk this way until I die, so let's proceed to Lawndale High."

"Daria! You're creeping me out!"

"To creep you out is not my aim, but I will do it, all the same."



--M Man



Wind Lane embraced his fiancé in a passionate kiss. His hands around her auburn hair, and her beautiful chestnut brown eyes. This was the woman he meant to spend the rest of life with.

Forget Claudia, Katie, and Roxanne. Wind thought to himself They're nothing compared to her. The absolute best.

He gently pulled out of the kiss, and asked her “Are you ready for this?”

She responded with a simple nod. He’s nothing compared to my other boyfriends. He doesn’t want to use me or show me off as a piece of his property “Of course I am.”

Wind grasped his fiancé’s hand and pulled her out of the door, and on their way to the courthouse. Soon, he would become Mr. Wind Lane-Barch.


--Elizabeth Haynes



Daria fought back tears as she saw Trent and Monique locked in a passionate embrace.

So it's true, they are staying together this time. She left, trying to reconcile to the fact she would never be with her one true love.

A single tear ran down her cheek. "I love you, Monique."




As Velma undid her 36DD bra and Daria buried her face between the paranormal sleuth's magnificent breasts with a delighted cry of "Jinkies!", Daria swore to herself she would one day find the person who wrote her into this wretched crossover slash fanfic and strangle him with her bare hands.


--Roger E. Moore


Trent Lane took the stage in front of the sold out crowd at the Coyote Club and strummed a cord on his guitar.

"Santa Fe, Are you ready to rock?!"

The crowd roared in the affirmative.

"This first song is dedicated to a very special lady. Everything I am today I owe to her love and support and guidence. I love you, baby, more than anything!"

Backstage, Sandi Griffin could only smile and think back to how it all began.





"Please," Daria begged as she wrapped her arms around Tom's ankle. "I know I don't deserve you but I can't live without you! Take me back! I promise I'll do whatever you want!"

"God, Daria, stop embaressing yourself," Tom said, trying to shake himself free.

"Besides," Sandi said as she nibbled on Tom's ear, "he's already found someone much more suitable."

"Yeah," Tiffany drawled as she nuzzled Tom's neck. "Much more."

"We can give him everything you couldn't," Stacy chirped, running her hand along Tom's chest.

"And Daria," Quinn sighed while fondling Tom's butt, "Grovelling is so unfashionable."

Daria could only lay on the sidewalk and weep for she knew it was all true.





As Stacy did that incredible thing with her tongue, Jake snorted another line off of Sandi's left breast and decided that hiring Quinn's friends as office assistants was the best decision he'd ever made.





The entire population of Lawndale was in danger, and only one thing could save them now.

"The entire population of Lawndale is in danger," David MacAllister said extraneously. "Only one thing can save them now."

"What's that?" Lynn Cullen asked boredly.

"Why us, of course," Darren Appleton replied while admiring himself in the mirror.

"Very well," Lynn sighed, her natural apathy overcome by Darren's hypnotic powers.

The three gathered in a circle and touched hands before speaking the magic words that would give them the strength to save Lawndale.






And now, for your entertainment pleasure, Kevin Thompson and the Tommy Sherman Memorial Kazoo Band will do their rendition of "Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall"!


--Aaron Adelman



Trent sat on the coffeehouse's stool and spoke into the microphone.

"Hey....this one was written by my fiancee, Pheobe....Love you, Pheebs!"

From across the room, Phoebe smiled as he began to sing.

"Smelly cat...smelly cat... what are they feeding you..... smelly cat...smelly cat... it's not your fault....."

"He's cute," Rachel said.

"Are you kidding? He is *not* cute," said Monica.

"Oh, what do you know about guys? You married Chandler!" said Pheobe.

Monica shook her head. "I'm sorry... I guess I'm just kind of distracted because of... well... you know...." She pointed to across the room where her brother Ross sat engaged in liplock with New York's newest paleontologist, Daria Morgendorffer.


--Mahna Mahna



...As Jane struggled against the rawhide bindings, she could still hear Daria's voice—calm and collected as ever, muffled only slightly by the swish of the razor-edged pendulum swinging overhead.

"Yes, Jane. One of my ancestors, Baron von Morgen himself, spent many a happy hour working in this chamber, in the service of the Holy Inquisition." Daria chortled, her laughs echoing through the catacombs. "These walls were old, even then."





"So, Quinn," Sandi said, caressing her bullwhip, "I see you have elected the way of PAIN!"





"Oh! My! God!" Thom cried. "This room is hor-i-ble! These padded walls have got to go!"

"And look at this!" Carson shrieked. "She only has three outfits, can you believe it! And every one of them is ugly."

Kyan came out of the bathroom and just tisked. "Do you use any skin care products at all? And why is there no deoderant in your bathroom?"

"Guys," Ted chimed in as he returned from the kitchen, "we have got to teach this girl to eat something other than pizza, pop tarts and frozen lassagnia."

"Don't worry, guys, "Jai chirped, " we're going to fix all of that and actually teach Daria how to act like a real human being!"

Daria couldn't wait and bounced up and down in anticipation.





Daria looked over the top of her glasses at the rest of their group. "Okay, guys, we're in a spooky mansion with an unknown housekeeper that just kind of freaks me out, and reports of ghosts. What are we going to do?"

"Hey, Babe," Kevin Thompson looked at Brittany, "Let's go check the other room."

"Okay,, I mean Kevvy."

Daria humphed as they bounded off, hoping the ghosts would get them. She looked over at Trent. "Do you want to search with me?"

"No, I think I'll head to the kitchen. I've got the munchies."

"Rowwwwr. I'll go with you, Daria," Charles said.

"Why don't you go with Trent. He might need help working that butter knife in his condition."

After Charles and Trent left to find the kitchen, Daria looked around her, and said outloud, "Crap. Now I'm stuck with this stupid, horny little dog."

"What's wrong with that, babe?" replied Scrappy-doo.

Scrappy-doo looked up just in time to see Daria point the magnum down at him.


--Bryan Lagerstam



It was a nice day.

Really, it was. There was no way around that fact.

The sun was shining and there wasn't a cloud in the sky.

Somewhere, a bird was chirping.

You could even smell the scent of freshly made donuts coming from the local shop.

It really was picture perfect.

That was when the bus full of nuns was vaperized by the crazed monkey with a laser cannon.

Meanwhile, in Lawndale ....





Jane: I know you've had a tough time since breaking with Tom and them your parents getting divourced.

Daria: Not the mention there blatent showering of gifts at Quinn.

Jane: Any how Daria, I think you should meet the guy I've been dating.

Jane's new date walks in, putts his arm round Jane and gives her a kiss.

Jane's Date: Hey kiddo.





Daria jiggled her foot nervously in anticipation as the moving van sped farther from her old home in Highland and closer to Lawndale, her future.

'Things will be better there,' she thought. 'I'm sure of it. It can't get much worse than Highland anyway. Yes, things are going great......except....' Her grin fell as she took the faded picture out of her pocket and stroked it lovingly.

'I just wish you were here to share this moment with me, Butthead, my love...'


--Mahna Mahna



Helen jiggled her foot nervously in anticipation as the car sped farther from her old home in Highland and closer to Lawndale, her future.

'Things will be better there,' she thought. 'I'm sure of it. It can't get much worse than Highland anyway. Yes, things are going great......except....' Her grin fell as she took the faded picture out of her pocket and stroked it lovingly.

'I just wish you were here to share this moment with me, Stewart, my love...'





Jake sipped his coffee before replying.

"Its true, Jesus could totally take Superman in a fight."

Stacy swallowed her bite of danish.

"But how? I mean, Superman's got like super strength and stuff?"

"Simple. Superman's vulnerable to magic. Jesus is God, which makes him a supernatural being. So he can hurt Superman."

"But couldn't Superman kill Jesus with just one punch?"

"Yeah, but Superman would never hit Jesus. It just wouldn't be right."

"But Jesus wouldn't hit Superman either, so he couldn't hurt him."

Jake looked toughtful.

"Hmm, I guess you're right. Neither of them could win then."

Stacy smiled.

"I guess it's a - what do you call it? - a stalemate?"

Jake smiled back.

"Yeah, I guess it is. How did you get to be so smart?"

Stacy just blushed.

Jake looked down at his coffee cup and noticed it was empty.

"Well, I guess its time then."

Stacy smiled.

"You know I love this part the best."


"Yeah, its like, that last final moment of anticipation. Like just before you bite into a piece of chocolate. Or when you're about to climax having sex. You know how good it might be and you just can't wait for it to happen ."

Jake raised an eyebrow.

"Has it ever not lived up to your expectations? You know, when we ...."

Stacy shook her head and smiled.

"Oh, no, never! What we do together is everything I've ever dreamed of. Its like the greatest feeling ever."

Jake smiled.

"Do you want to do it right now?

Stacy nodded excitedly then leaned over the table and kissed him.

"I love you, Pumpkin."

"I love you to, Honey Bunny."

And with that, Jake stood up and pulled a pistol from his belt.

"Alright, listen up! This is a robbery!"

Stacy lept up onto the table pulling a sawed off shotgun from her bag.

"Anybody tries to be a hero, and I'll execute every last one of you!"




Daria turned to Jane, only to be met with a similar expression of distaste.

"Uh...Mrs. Johannsen is here to talk to us about the necessity of exercise and dieting?" Daria inquired.

"Well, no one said she was an advocate," Jane smirked. "Besides, you're getting a little flabby around the midd-"

"Shove it, Jane. And I mean that in the kindest, gentlest way possible," Daria interrupted. "That is, if you'd like to live long enough to hear what the woman has to say."

Jane nodded, though she couldn't help but smirk at her partner in crime. She snickered as, 3 or 4 bleachers below, Upchuck was smacked in the face by hopeful-Fashionista Brooke. She burst out laughing, however, when Quinn was inadvertantly hit in the back of the head by an errant spitball, coming from somewhere near the middle of the auditorium.

Suddenly, everyone's attention was drawn to an extremely, almost sickeningly skinny woman...who appeared to be parachuting down from the rafters.

"Well. She knows how to make an entrance," Jane remarked.

The woman let ago of the parachute, and landed gracefully on the ground. With a mighty tug, she yanked the thing down from the rafters. It surrounded her, and covered a good 25 foot radius around her.

"Hello, students of Lawndale High! My name is Mrs. Johannsen, and I'd like to tell you a story!" the woman shouted.

Daria and Jane looked at each other, curious as to where this was going.

"I just want to make sure everyone knows my story. This time, 3 years ago, I weighed in at just under a small RV. This here parachute isn't, actually, a parachute: it's the pair of pants I wore on Christmas Eve, 2000. But...Jarred saved me!"

Daria rolled her eyes and stood to leave. Jane snickered and followed her friend. As they pushed the emergency exit open, they caught the tail end of her next sentence.

"...God bless the Subway diet. Without it, I truly believe that I would have been able to apply for my own zipcode, today..."

--Betting on Delusions



"See, Daria," Mr. O'Neill said as he softly stroked his newest student's hair, "self-esteem can be so simple when the hand of experience nurtures the budding flower to full blossom."





"Raise your right hand and repeat after me. I, Kevin Douglas Thompson ..."

"I, Kevin Douglas Thompson ..."

"... do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States ..."


--M Man



"She's awake, Father"

Well, not really. Everything was a dark smear of earth tomes that made Impressionist pictures look like the work of Alex Ross. That may half to do with the sleep still in Daria's eyes, or the fact that she hadn't put her glasses on. She reached for her glasse, but they weren't there. Her eyes widened and she gasped, where were they? She reached for the other side and then it came crashing to her....

Those three punks, she thought, and in deed they were punks, one with a Mohawk, the second with Liberty Spikes, and the third in a do that defied description, had her pined har against the wall. Strangely, they didn't steal anything or try to rape her, they just slashed her face, and crushed her glasses. the last thing she remembered before blacking out was some animalistic growling, snarling and roaring.

"Do you think she'll remember this place, Father?"

"I don't know, Vincent."


--Ben Breeck



"I'm sorry, Daria," Jane said as she took a few practice swings with her sword. "But you know how this goes. In the end ..." and the final stroke fell, "There can be only one."





"So, let me get this straight," said Daria, "Vampires are real, and you go out and kill them?"

"No, Blade here kills them. I just keep him in amunition."

"Oh well, it's not as if I'm dealing with some former airhead cheerleader and a British Librarian."


--Ben Breeck



This is the happiest moment of my life, Daria thought, just before the shark swam up and bit her leg off.





Quinn knew it right then and there earlier that day. She had met the one that would be hers for the rest of her life. It didn't matter that he was shorter than her, she'd gotten over that facet of him long ago. He was smart, he was funny, he was caring, and he was rich! I mean he had to be, who would go around town in a tuxedo all the time?

"Was it as good for you?" He said nothing, just waddled off to the shower still wearing his tuxedo. There he took a hidden transmitter and pressed the homing signal indicating all is proceeding according to plan, and he is ready to be picked up.

Meanwhile, in an ice cream truck down the street Roger cackled madly. "Now I've got enough angst to last me my next 30 fics! Now who to go after tomorrow when that supply is gone..."





"I'd say it's official, Morgendorffer," said Jane, nodding her head as she savored the flavor one last moment. "The boogers from your right nostril do taste better than the ones from your left."


--Roger E. Moore



"Mr. Morgandorffer?" Mrs. Bennit chirped, "Ms. Li will see you now."

Jake nervously entered Mr. Li's office, wondering just why he'd been summoned to the school. Darn it, why did Helen have to have that big meeting today? She was always so much better at dealing with these things.

"Mr. Morgandorffer," Ms. Li rose and motioned toward a chair. "Please, sit down."

As the two of them sat, Ms. Li cleared her throat.

"Now, Mr. Morgandorffer, I realize that you're a very busy man, but I felt this matter couldn't be discussed over the phone."

"Oh, sure," Jake replied. "I mean, if one of the girls is in some sort of trouble, I'd like to know."

"I'm pleased to here that. I'm afraid that the trouble is with Daria."

"Daria? Whats wrong with her?"

"Well, Mr. Morgandorffer, I'm afraid her recent behavior leaves much to be desired. She shows no interest in school whatsoever. She refuses to participate in gym class and it's been over two weeks since she's turned in any school work. This kind of behavior is not the sort of thing we tollerate here at Lawndale High."

"Oh, dear," Jake fretted. He knew Daria could be apathetic about school at times, but this seemed so unlike her. And he just knew that Helen would somehow blame him for it.

"Quite frankly, Mr. Morgandorffer, if she wasn't dead, I'd have her expelled."

Jake blinked. "What?"

"Yes," Ms. Li replied. "Expelled."

Jake just starred.

"If I wasn't making allowances for that fact that she's dead," Ms. Li continued, "Daria would be out on her cynical little backside."

"Daria's ... dead?"

"Yes," Ms. Li tisked. "She's lying in the nurse's office now, stiff as a board and bright green. And this is, I'm afraid, typical of her current attitude."

Jack was desperately trying to make sense of this.

"I'm afriad that girl has no sense of school spirit. One minute she's deriding everything this proud institution stands for, and the next she's completely recalcitrant. And quite frankly, Mr. Morgandorffer, her lack of personal hygene is offputting to the other students. We've had several complaints about how she smells."

"But.. but.." Jake struggled for words. "How did she die?!"

"It that really important, Mr. Morgandorffer?"

Jake starred incredulously. "Yes!"

Ms. Li sighed, looking very put upon. "Well, you see, it has to do with the roof of the school gym. Lately we've had a problem with students violating school regulations by cutting class and making unauthorized visits to the roof, where they engage in all mannor of unwholesome activities which bring shame to Lawndale High. Your daughter was caught up on the roof and I administered a beating, during which she died."

Jake couldn't believe his ears.

"You will be happy to know," Ms. Li said cheerfully, "that the ring leader of these activities was caught and I don't think we'll be having any more trouble with unauthorized use of school grounds."

Jake blinked at Ms. Li. "You beat my daughter to death?"

"Yes," she replied in perfect deadpan.

"But, what happened?!"

"Well," she said, "Apparently students were just slipping off up to the rooftops and loitering."

"No! During the beating!"

"Oh, that?" Ms. Li waved her hand dismissively. "Well, one moment she was standing there and the next she was lying down."


"Well," she shrugged, "Dead-ish."

Jake just starred again.

"Mr. Morgandoffer, I must admit, I find this morbid fascination with your daughter's death quite disturbing. What concerns me is her attitude. And quite frankly," she turned her nose up a bit, "I can see where she gets it from."

Jake reacted deffensively without thinking. "Well I'm not the one who beat her to death!"

"Well," Ms. Li tisked, "that was perfectly obvious to me from the first day she arrived here. I've long suspected that Daria would've had a much better attitude toward life if you and your wife had administered a few more fatal beatings as she was growing up."

Jake was rapidly losing his grip on reality. "Are you mad, woman?"

"Mad?" Ms. Li looked at Jake as though he were crazy. "I'm furious. In order to make accomidations for the funeral, I've had to cancel our football game this Friday."

"This is insane!" Jake exclaimed.

"Yes, it is," Ms. Li smiled. "Or at least it would be, if it were true."

Jake blinked. "What?"

"I've been joking, Mr. Morgandorffer," she chortled. "You'll pardon me, its my strange accademic sense of humor."

"Oh, thank God," Jake sighed as he slumped back in his chair.

Ms. Li smirked.

"I wouldn't cancel a football game to bury that little b****."

La la la la.




This is the happiest moment of my life, Jane thought, just before the shark swam up and bit Daria's leg off. Finally, with her incapacitated, I can be the star!


--Betting on Delusions



Whoa, thought the shark as it chewed on Daria's leg, this one's been hitting the cheese fries pretty hard. Nice flavor. The leggy one next to her smells like she's been doing the same. Cool.


--Roger E. Moore



As they were dragged down the stairs by the rubber-bedecked Brittany Taylor clones and into a room where the slave contracts were waiting for her to sign, Jane regained enough of her senses to mutter, 'But Daria said that this was a Berean bookstore...'

She looked up to see a familiar figure hung up on the wall, and at last understood her brother's dislike of that particular brand of establishment...


--Brother Grimace



As Kevin's strong, sweaty hands got to third base, Jane hissed in pleasure. God, she thought, becoming a cheerleader is the best thing that ever happened to me. Then all coherent thought melted away as Kevin did that thing that reduced her to a quivering bundle of little gerbil noises.





Upchuck stared up at the ceiling, a contented smile on his face.

He had finally made love to one of the luscious ladies of Lawndale.

She lay beside him, apparently sleeping now.

But she wasn't asleep. She opened her eyes and looked at Upchuck.

"How can I ever thank you properly?" asked Upchuck.

"Well, sonny, how about you get me some chocolate?" said Mrs. Johannson.


--M Man



Kevin squirmed uncomfortablely on the hotel bed.

Darn it, why did Coach have to come up with this screwy new "no sex the week before the big game" rule. It'd been five days since he'd been alone with Brit - or any other babe - and he needed relief bad.

"Hey, Kevin," Mack said from his bed, "I'm full. Do you want the rest of this roast beef sandwich?"

Suddenly, Kevin had an idea.

And once Mack told the end of this story to the rest of the team, it would become part of Lawndale Lions locker room folklore for decades to come.





Oh, Well thought the shark as Daria sailed over it's snout from swell to swell on the wave, at least nothing will ever be the same again.


--Ben Breeck



"Daria, ever since that new kid came to town, people bave been acting like skinflints, cowards, and no longer support Lawndale High's sports programs. There's even been these wierd serial murders going on. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Yeah, but I'm not going to voice it out loud. I hate that song."


--Ben Breeck



If somebody said it was easy being Daria's teddy bear....somebody lied.


--Mahna Mahna



Quinn raised her head from where she'd fallen. She saw Sandi, backlit by the red glow of molten rock, holding the ring on high.

"Why should I destroy it or something? It's so beautiful and it matches my wardrobe to a T! It's mine! It's my Precioius, and nobody's going to take it from me!"

"Sandi! Noooooo!" shouted Quinn as Sandi slipped the ring on her finger and disappeared.


Miles away, in the Tower of Barad Dur High, the lidless eye of DeSaurontino focused it's attention on Mount Li. With a wavering shriek he recalled the remaining eight J-ghuls from the battlefield to ride swiftly to the raging volcano, the machinations of Dardalf become oh, too clear.


As Quinn shrieked, another voice shrieked with hers.

"Noooooo! M'neh, m'neh, that's MY Precious, be-yotch! M'neh, it's MINE!" Golholio shrieked again and leaped for the edge of the caldera.
"ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!?" he cried as he seemed to wrestle with and unseen foe. He then pulled something to his mouth and bit down.

Sandi shrieked and reappeared, holding her bleeding hand. Golholio danced around, holding aloft his Precious, Sandi's finger still inside. "I have TP for my bunhoooooooooooole!" He shouted triumphantly as he fell into the lake of lava below, the roar of the ring's destruction drowning out his last "M'neh!"


DeSaurontino shrieked as Barad Dur High fell into a flaming heap, the J-ghuls vanishing into puffs of smoke, while their fell beasts breathed a sigh of relief. This travesty was nearly over.


"Sandi... oh, Sandi, your poor hand!"

"Ohhhhh," she moaned from the depths of her soul, the pain of the morgul football scar on her shoulder feeling kinda bad. "This is so unfashionable."

"Oh, Sandi, they'll be making songs about you that all the boy bands in Lorien Commons will be singing forever!"

"Never mind that. Do you... *cough*... think they survived? Tiffany and Stacey?"

"Of course they did. Hold on, Sandi. We'll see them soon."

"If we ever get back... ohhhhh... if we ever get back, I'm going to tear a new butthole for that Wizard that like stays with you or something."

Quinn saw the great tongues of molten rock spew higher into the air, knowing they had but a few minutes left. With all her reamaining stregth, she decided to come clean with her friend.

"Sandi, I've... I've got a confession. Dardalf isn't my cousin... she's my sister!"

Suddenly from above came the cry of Gwahooo, the Windy Lord. Quinn looked up at their salvation as he spread his magnificent wings agains the clouds of ash, crackling with lightening and underlit with the spectral red glow.

"Well, ****!" she thought.


--Guy Payne



(at Jane's house - Jane's room)

Daria - These are really good. I didn't know you studied life drawing.

Jane - Yeah, last summer.

Daria - You're really bursting out of the picture plane here.

Jane - Oh, yeah. That particular model was quite bursty. I think she had her bursts done.

Daria - (gets better look at pictures) Hey, wait a minute. These are pictures of me!


--Aaron Adelman



Quinn looked down to admire her new 44D breast size, then realized in horror that one was deflating with an audible hiss.

"That's soooo wroooong," observed Tiffany.


--Guy Payne


Daria: Jane, even though I've never shown sexual interest in a female, I have the hots for you.

Jane: You know, even though I've never shown sexual interest in a female, I have the the hots for you, too. Wanna mate?

Daria: OK.


--Aaron Adelman



"Sandi! Sandi!!!" Shouted Windomir, as he staggered as if from a blow. "Sandiiiii, come back! It was as if a spell came over me, I'm so sorry!" He disolved into tears. "I don't want the ring now! I just want you! I've been in love with you since Rivendega Street! Please come back!"

He sat beneath a tree and was inconsolable.


--Guy Payne



"Once again, Daria," Quinn said with a sneer, "you see that there is nothing you possess which I cannot take away."





Daria came home full of dread for what she was about to have to tell her mother. It was even worse that Quinn was home but since she was going to have to find out sometime she might as well be told at the same time as mum.

"Hi Mum, I got drunk and slept with Trent, and I'm pregnant with his child."

Quinn gasped in amazment, "But Daria, I also got drunk and slept with Trent, and I'm going to have his Baby aswell. Darn it Daria you're always copying me."

Helen smiled, and simply replied. "This could be a problem, me and your farther went to the Zen a few weeks ago, to try and recapture our youth. I got drunk and went home with the band. And I'm, also pregnant with Trent's baby."




Daria came home full of dread for what she was about to have to tell her mother. It was even worse that Quinn was home but since she was going to have to find out sometime she might as well be told at the same time as mum.

"Hi Mum, I got drunk and slept with Trent, and I'm pregnant with his child."

Quinn gasped in amazment, "But Daria, I also got drunk and slept with Trent, and I'm going to have his Baby aswell. Darn it Daria you're always copying me."

Helen smiled, and simply replied. "This could be a problem, me and your farther went to the Zen a few weeks ago, to try and recapture our youth. I got drunk and went home with the band. And I'm, also pregnant with Trent's baby."


Jake walked in, his face completely white. "Physically impossible, eh?" he muttered angrily. "Lousy mutated heart medication!" He faced his family. "I'm afraid I have some bad--and very strange--news....."


--Kristen Bealer


"Hey Janey, something bad's happened, I'm gonna have to move to Salt Lake City or San Fransico. I'm not sure which."

"But Trent, how am I going to manage without you. Monique wanted to supprise you, and you know how she can't have children. We went down the clinic and I'm going to give birth to you and Monique's baby."

"Awwww man I'm going to have to buy a Station Wagon."





"Once again, Jane, you see that there is nothing you possess which I cannot take away."

And with that Daria turned and French-kissed her new boyfriend, Nathan.





"Once again, Jake, you see that there is nothing you possess which I cannot take away.," Corporal Ellenbogan said just before he and his new wife, Helen, drove off in the humm-v with 'just married' in the back window.


--Ranger Thorne



Kevin stood nervously before the English class. 'Why'd O'Neil pick *me* to read their poem homework' he thought, grimacing.

"A poem by Kevin Thompson...." he began. He cleared his throat. "I think that I shall never see.... a poem lovely as Mr. De.... Martino."


--Mahna Mahna



Daria: Jane, even though I've never shown sexual interest in a female, I have the hots for you.

Jane: You know, even though I've never shown sexual interest in a female, I have the the hots for you, too. Wanna mate?

Daria: OK.

Daria and Jane stand there looking at each other with growing discomfort.

Daria: I have to confess, I have no idea what to do now.

Jane: Neither do I.

Daria: We could look it up on the Internet.

Jane: Nah. Let's go ask Quinn and Sandi.

Neither moves.

Jane: Let's just watch some TV and forget it.

Daria: Okay.


--Roger E. Moore



"My name is Daria Morgendorffer, and I used to be a perky cheerleader. Then I did crack, and it turned me into a misery chick. Remember kids, if you do drugs, you could end up as horribly unpopular as I am."


--Aaron Adelman



He stared hard at Britolas' endowments and licked his lips in excitement.

"Whoa," he said, "I'm like, in love and stuff. Come to Butttongue."

Dardalf stepped forward raising her staff on high. "Down, vile creature! Your days of power over Lord McVickerden are over, Grimey Butttongue! Return hence to Sarupcuck, because you guys are never going to score!"

Butttongue cringed under the baleful power of Dardalf. "Hey," he said to the guards, "I thought I told you to like take her stick and stuff?"


--Guy Payne



Shuddering, Trent hitched up his leather micro-thong and donned the full imitation eagle feather Indian Chief headdress. Waiting until the surrounding street was clear, he shrugged out of the trench coat, grabbed the big heart shaped box of chocolates and sprinted to the door.

"The things a man has to do to make a buck." Shaking his head, Trent rang the doorbell.

Brittany opened the door and immediately flushed. Twirling her braid she smiled. "Hiiiiii!"

"Uh, hi." Trent tore his attention away from her odd complexion. Why was she sweating like that? "Singing Candy-Gram for Brittany Taylor, from the QB."

Brittany squealed with delight, pulling him into the house. "Why, *I'm* Brittany Taylor! Come on in!" This looked like it could well be the best present that Kevin had ever given her, although it didn't do very much to convince her to get back together with him. Poor Kevin.

Four hours later Trent staggered out, holding the headdress stratigically. He ignored the box of chocolates sitting abandoned on the doorstep, running for his car. He didn't know why he bothered trying to actually deliver the candy. Most of the time, it ended up in his trunk. None of his customers had ever taken the least notice of the stuff and Jane had quit eating it once she found out what his new job was.

Looking back, he saw Brittany smiling with lazy triumph at him from the front window and twirling his thong around her finger. Shaking his head, he opened the glove compartment and selected a replacement.

"This job will kill me yet." Blanching, he saw that his next candy delivery was to Helen Morgendorffer, from Amy.


--Nemo Blank



Daria: Wanna swap spit?

Jane: Sure.

<They exchange spitoons>

Daria: That Skoal is pretty good stuff but give me my Kodiak anytime. <hocks brown loogie>

Jane: Told you so.






Daria: Well Jane, you were right. You did build a full scale model of Rodin's The Thinker out of Trent's ear wax. I owe you one supreme pizza with everything on it.

Jane: If you think that's impressive, you haven't seen anything from my belly button lint period!





Daria: Well Jane, you were right. You did build a full scale model of Rodan out of our families' ear wax. I owe you... uh, did that thing just move?

Jane: Hmmmm, must be the mystical runes I had Mom carve into it when she breezed through last week.


Daria: School! That way! Mmmmm, tasty!


--Guy Payne



Daria sat and waited. That's all she could do, wait. She glanced at the clock. She watched the second hand make its slow majestic sweep around the face. Its slow majestic sweep. She glanced at the door, then crossed her legs and jiggled her foot, letting her eyes wander around the room, desperate for something to focus on. She looked back at the clock. She couldn't believe it had only been fifteen seconds. She watched the slow majestic sweep, then leaned back in the chair, tapping out a rhythm on her stomach with the flats of her hands. She whistled. She got up and paced, back and forth, occasionally casting anxious glances at the clock and the door. Back and fort, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, then she sat down again to watch the slow, majestic...

[Fifteen pages later... single spaced on both sides...] ...sweep of the second hand. She banged her head against the wall, then paced back and forth, back and...

[Fifteen more pages later...] ...forth, and back and forth. She sat back down and watched the slow, majestic sweep of the second hand as it raced past the minute and hour hand. She glanced out the window again, seeing that night had fallen. She crossed and recrossed her legs, jiggling her foot, slapping her stomach and whistling. Finally, she could take it no longer. She stood up and paced, back and forth and back...

[A mere ten pages later] ... and back and forth. Finally she strode up to the door, banged on it and said, "Tie a damned string around it Lane, there's two people in this apartment you know!"

"Just a minute, I'm getting to the good part!"

Daria sat back down and glanced at the clock. She watched...

[Timothy O'Neill put down the unread stack of papers and sobbbed desperately, until the cruel bonds of sanity gently loosed...]

--Guy Payne



"Hey Mack Daddy, wouldn't it be cool if we like swapped for the week, you have Britney, I'll have Jodie."

"Don't call me that, good idea though."





Daria woke up in a joyful mood, and spent the time before school humming in a happy daze. Sandi had called just before she went to bed and told her that she could be the new senior vice president of the Fashion Club. She was, she decided, just too giddy for words.

--Guy Payne



"Do not attempt to adjust your connections and receptions. This is Eyes Only streaming freedom webcast, it cannot be traced."

As Tom Sloane continued his spiel, X5-452 "Daria" was busy ransacking his apartment, turning it inside out, looking for valuables. Hmm, she thought, this cat statue ought to keep me in eyedrops and needful meds for a while.


--Ben Breeck



"Hey, Britney," Jodie asked lustfully, "wouldn't it be great if we swapped boyfriends for the week?"





Kevin and Brittany walked up to Mack and Jodie both wearing identical goofy grins.

"Hey Mack Daddy! Brit and I had a great idea!"

"Don't call me that." He leaned to Jodie and whispered. "I knew between the both of them, they'd eventually have a thought."

Jodie snickered. "What's up guys?"

"Well, we thought it would be fun if we swapped partners for a week!" Kevin grinned stupidly.

Jodie and Mack exchanged glances then shrugged. Mack walked towards Brittany, but didn't get far before Kevin grabbed his arm.

"Not that way!" Brittany squealed as she dragged a wide-eyed Jodie out the front door.





Sandi [Putting down her clipboard in disgust]: You know, Daria, I don't think this idea of you and Quinn swapping friends for a week is like working our or something.

Daria: That's what Jane said, when she called me just before I came over. At least, that's what I made out through the sobs...


--Guy Payne



On the night before they were to be wed Daria and Tom went out for one last night on the town. Unfortunately for himself, Tom had too much to drink too quickly and they had to cut the night short. Even inebriated, Tom had the sense to make sure Daria got home alright. He even walked her up to her room. He then made his way to the guest bedroom where he'd spent many previous nights after that little misunderstanding with Daria's mother. He laid down hoping to get some sleep and get out later without Daria seeing him. Just as he was passing into dreamland someone got into bed with him. Figuring it was Daria, Tom drifted off to sleep.

When he woke up he wondered what time it was.

He then wondered where he was.

Remembering that he wondered where his trusty cargo pants were.

He then remembered Daria had gotten into bed with him the last night, and was still there snoring away under the covers. Must've had some action last night, he cursed his hangover.

He then heard a scream from down the hall, he ran to see what it was and was shocked to see Daria and Helen in bed together naked!

Oh, God! I must've taken her to the wrong room last night! But if she was in there, who was with me last night?

Running as fast as he could back to the guest room, he saw the figure still there snoring away. Trembling, he grabbed the covers away only to find Jake in his wife's finery. Startled by having the covers ripped off, he awakens and upon seeing Tom, exclaims "That was the second best night of my life! Did you enjoy it as much as I did?"

Tom suddenly praised the man above that he did have a hangover last night. Forgetting his pants he ran off as fast as he could, being that it was early yet few people would notice or question why he was in his boxers running home.




"I just don't get what the attraction is to this whole boyfriend swapping thing," Daria said.

"Oh, come on," Jane replied, "Don't tell me that the idea of dating Tom doesn't interest you just a little."

Daria blushed. "OK, so I admit, that doesn't sound too bad."

Jane smiled.

"But," Daria continued, "that would mean you'd have to date your brother."

Jane frowned. "Yeah, I guess it wouldn't work."

The two of them sat quietly for a moment.

"Especially," Jane added, "since I never had that much in common with Wind anyway."





Tiffany stepped out of the dressing room, did a half-turn in her new outfit, and asked - once again - 'Does this make me look faaaaat?'

Before any of the three other Fashion Club members coulld reply, a voice from out of nowhere said, 'No - it's you being FAT that makes you look fat!'

Without hesitation, Tiffany took off running, zoomed out of the front door of the mall and hurled herself deliberately into the path of an oncoming bus, which struck the poor girl head-on and sent her broken body hurtling through the air and landing over a hundred feet away in a blooming patch of wild azaleas.

'See!' Quinn said, turning to the others. 'It's not enough to pray for something to happen - you have to know that God's heard your prayers and will answer them! You have to have faith!'


--Brother Grimace



"Daria!" shouted Jake, "Your date's here!"

Daria came downstairs to the door, wondering who it could be. She looked out the door and saw a muscular man with a dusky tan swaying before her. He had on leather pants, Doc Martens, a leather vest with no sleeves, tatoos everywhere, and metal and leather jewelry. All she could see of his face was his nose and a cigarette dangling from his mouth, in his hand an empty bottle of Jack Daniels, over his shoulder an electric guitar, and topping his long, kinky, shoulder-length, black hair was a battered top hat at a careless angle. "Hiya," he muttered.

Daria leaned back against the door jamb, closed her eyes tightly and rubbed the bridge of her nose. She would have, she finally decided, to have a loooooong talk with the author about the meaning of slash fic.


--Guy Payne



"So, is Slash gonna bang this Daria chick or what?"

"Hush, Midget. Slash needs to take this slow. Be ... ro-MAN-tic."





"God, Daria, what happened to you?" Jane stared, wide-eyed, at her friend. Daria's jacket was missing, her shirt was torn in several places, her skirt looked like it had been partially burned away, one boot was gone, and the other had the laces missing.

Daria wiped some of the dirt off of her face as she stumbled into the house. Reaching up to straighten her glasses, she glared at Jane and said, "I am going to KILL those lousy fanfic writers."

Glancing around nervously, Jane closed the door before asking, "Uh, what'd they do this time?"

Daria counted off the items on her fingers, "First, there was the motorcycle gang. Then, a herd of vampire possums. There was some yellow thing that kept yelling out 'Kevo' every three seconds." She smirked, "Upchuck's gone by the way. That smiley thing ate him." Serious again, she continued, "The herd of penguins didn't help matters any....."


--Ranger Thorne



When Daria came to, she found that she had been sorely scourged and then nailed to a tree. She raised her weary, bloody head and stared straight at the director.

"Payne," she said, "this blasphemy is going too far, even for you."

"Oh, shush," he replied, "We're not doing the Passion of Daria here. Now when I yell 'action,' droop your head. Then when the vulture's in range, you yell 'By Crom!' and bite it's head off."

"I think I prefered the blasphemy," she said, eyeing the bird dubioiusly. It squawked dishamoniously and laid a large deposit on the limb below.

"Never mind that, let's just try to get this in as few takes as possible. We don't have that many buzzards."


"Oh, quitcher whining. You thought it was the height of hilarity when we did it to Upchuck."


--Guy Payne



'Oh, Charles... it's just so... so...'

'Yes, I've always felt that it's something to be admired,' Upchuck said, a look of absolute pride on his face. 'At first, I never really thought about it as being something special, but I saw the way other people looked when they saw it and then, I guessed that they saw something I didn't...'

'My God - it's just so - so - huge...'

Stacy actually glanced around, afraid that someone would see them even though it was night.

'Don't worry - Sandi won't say a word, even if she comes by. I've had the pleasure of bringing her here, too. Sooner or later... everybody wants to see it.'

Charles smirked as Stacy looked up at him with wide eyes. 'Yes, Tiffany, too. They were... left in awe.'

'Can I - can I touch it?'

'Please and thank you!'

Stacy reached out, and her fingers came gently in contact... 'You'll remember this day for a long time, Stacy,' he said sagely. 'No one forgets the first time they've seen the Giant Strawberry of Lawndale...'


--Brother Grimace



Daria and Jane walked through the narrow aisles of the junk shop, alternately poking and prodding the various discarded bits that were stuffed onto its shelves.

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into coming in here,” Daria grumbled.

“Relax, I just need to find a couple of things, and then we’re out of here, okay?” Jane began to rummage through a shelf of what appeared to be brass table ware.

“That’s what you said an hour ago.”

Daria began to wander down the aisle. After a few paces she stumbled slightly as her ankle knocked something off the bottom shelf and onto the floor with a clanking sound. Letting her curiosity get the better of her, she bent down and picked the offending object off of the floor.

“Whatcha got there, amiga?” Jane glanced up from her digging. “A new tea pot?”

“Looks like some kind of old oil lamp.” Daria examined her find closely. There had to be a layer of tarnish on the thing a quarter of an inch thick. She spotted what appeared to be written characters of some kind imprinted around the base. “There’s something written here. Looks like Arabic.”

Daria started scrubbing on the base of the lamp with the heel of her hand in an effort to remove some of the grime. She about dropped the ancient object when a jet of white smoke shot out of the spout of the lamp, filling the store in just a few seconds. A sudden blast of displaced air, and the smoke suddenly coalesced into a glowing blue figure that was twelve feet tall, at least from the waist up. Below that, the figure was connected to the spigot of the lamp by an undulating tendril of “smoke.”

“Wow,” Jane muttered, looking up in shock.

“This is not happening,” Daria whispered, wide-eyed.

“Oy!” The floating blue figure’s voice resonated off the walls of the junk shop. “Ten thousand years will give you such a crick in the neck!!”





Ms. Li cleared her throat. "Well," she began, her eyes scanning the room full of the various rule-breakers, "I think I've got the whole picture. Now the question is: what to do and who to do it to."

"Now wait a minute, Ms. Li," Daria spoke up. "Before you make any hasty decision, I'd like to say a few words."

"About what?" She glared dangerously.

"Humanity." Everyone in the room raised an eyebrow. "You see, Ms. Li, even though we're all part of the cold scholastic set-up... deep down under our skins there is flesh and blood. We're all brothers.

"Some of us are cheerleaders!" piped up Britney.

And suddenly, Daria began to sing.
"Now, you may join the football team,
and she may join the squad
and other kids may carry gloss
in snobbish 'Fashion Quad'.

Still, others wear a letterman's
jacket or 'Straight A' pin,
but I have learned there's one extra cirricular
that all of us are in."

At that moment she jumped up on Ms. Li's desk.

"There is a brotherhood of maaannnnn
a benevolent brotherhood of man......"

Ms. Li turned to Jane. "You're certain she's not on any untested medication?"

"I thought so, but now I'm not sure."

"Oh, aren't you proud to beeeee... in the faternityyyyyyy????"


--Mahna Mahna



As I walked into the restaraunt, I had to admit that I didn't know what to expect. After wheeling myself out of UTEP hospital medical school and taking Tommy Sherman's car, it seemed to easy to book a flight to Sardinia. I had never even met this guy, but I know he had to know his stuff. I mean, he did teach Upchuck everything he knew, well, most everything, anyway.

there he was behind the counter, with black hair streaked with grey. He looked at me sidewise, as if one of his eyes was stronger than the other. Maybe because this was an evening establishment and it was 12:30 local time, the place was empty.

"Bon Giorno!" I said.

"Not BAD!" he replied, "You MUST be the FIRST American to get CLOSE to saying it right! Do you know that much Itialian?"

We went over my pronounciation, which I must admit was a little rusty. After that, he got his waiter, a wishy-washy type named Timmy, to bring out the Lambursco. Then it came time to talk turkey.

"SO, what BRINGS you to this ESTABLISHMENT."

"I'm looking for someone. Have you heard of Antonio DeMartino?

"Why do YOU wish to meet Antonio DEMARTINO?"

Switching to Italian, I explained; "Ho il bisogno per l'Acciaio italiano."

"ah, REALMENTE?" He replied, "Di perché LEIi ha bisogno l'ACCIAIO italiano?"

"Perché ho del parassiti per uccidere." I continued.

"THOSE must be some BIG LICE!" He exclaimed.

"The biggest," I confirmed.

"Perché lei NON guarda ATTREVERSA il catalogo dello DEL TIN?"

I didn't even bother to dignify that question with an answer. I suppose this meant I had passed the test, because he led me up to his storeroom, which I admit was a place to take a girl's breath away. Well, a girl in my profession, at least, it was like a moonlight madness sale at Spackle & Spackle. There were verious short swords, from gladii to baselards and cinquindee, long swords from 13th century warswords to early rennaisance bastard swards to estocs, and rapiers. Lots of rapiers, most with matching parry-daggers in their sheaths, as well as messers, fachions, dussacken, bastard sabers, and other, less identifiable blades. He had enough weapons to outfit the Italian Army, if they were to switch over from guns to swords...


--Ben Breeck



It had been simple, really. A solution she should have seen from the start.

Jane needed boyfriend. Jane didn't HAVE boyfriend, because he was DARIA's boyfriend now. Jane unhappy. Jane unhappy, Daria unhappy.

Therefore, replacement boyfriend must be found. Problem: available males unsuitible for task.

Solution: If no possible boyfriend is available, new boyfriend must be created.

This, as it turned out, was not as hard to do as one would expect.

But, as Daria noted that stormy summer night as she labored over the lifeless husk strapped to a steel table in the Morgendorffer basement, there was still one critical element she still lacked...

...A brain. Thought Daria, making the final cuts with a Gigli saw on Kevin Thompson's soon to be reamed out skull. A fine, plump, brain...





"So, what do you think, mi amiga?"
"Mmm, tasty. What did you say this was again?"
"Mrs. Johansen flambe."





"I don't know about this, Jane."
"Come on, Daria, it will be fun, and it's just the thing to cement our friendship."
"Like the time I assisted in dying your hair? You know this isn't my kind of thing. I don't even do this with boys. I don't even do this by myself, and you want me to do it with you?"
"Embarrassed? Don't worry, there's no one around to see us, and I won't tell anybody that we did it."
"I still think there is something...just so wrong about this."
"Come on, just this one time?"
"Oh, alright, if you're gonna whine about it, but you'll have to show me how to do it."
"Sure thing. Ready?"
"I guess."
"Okay, you just go like this..."
"To the left?"
"Yup. Feels good, doesn't it? And now, to the ri-i-i-i-i-i-i-ight."
"I find it disturbing how much you're getting into this. What's next?"
"Hands on your hips, baby!"
"Um, okay. Am I doing this right with my knees?"
"YES! Are you sure you've never done this before?"
"Let's just get this over with."
"Your enthusiasm is underwhelming. Could you put a little more thrust into your pelvis?"
"Like this?"
"Oh, yes, that just drives me insane."
"Um, is that it?"
"Yeah, that's it, but I think we could do it better."
"I did it once, that's enough for me."
"Aw, come on, Daria, LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!"





Daria could only moan silently in horror as she slowly lifted her fork, which housed the chunk of slimy, disgusting okra, directing it to her mouth. To make matters worse, she could no longer eat pizza, but only okra, and only okra to survive.

"At least it couldn't get any worse, she thought, "I could've been scarfing down raw snails instead..."

Daria's mind drifted back to that fateful day when this all started...


--Steven Galloway



"Silly Red Headed American Girl wants to play with knightly swords," Sea Snake's words etched my ears like acid, "You may not be able to fight like a knight, but at least you can die like one."

That got my blood boiling. With a surge of strength I didn't know I had, I rose up to my feet. Sea Snake's eyes widened in shock as I assumed the middle ward with both hands on the hilt, and she drew her parry dagger to replace the sword cane scabbard I had loppped off at the base.

"Attack me, with everything you have," I said.

To anyone who knew little or nothing about the Art, or had only known Olympic sport fancing, It would seem that I was at a severe disadvantage: longsword wielded two handed against rapier and parry dagger. Except that rapier was infact a smallsword, a short rapier from the final era of sharp swords, with no more than two and a half feet of range, and although it could be lightning fast, the only technique usable with it was the thrust. I had her beaten on range and range of technique.

While it was too fast a weapon to sidestep outside and cut in, and I dared not close and grapple with that parry dagger, I needed only wait for her to overextend herself. After about ten seconds of thrust against parry and cut against smallsword and daggar, my opening came. I quickly circled her blade and snapped up, freeing her hand from her wrist. While she was in shock from this, I quickly ran her through, then evicerated her.

"Wow, like, that really was an Antonio DeMartino blade," Sea Snake breathed, "Sorry about that insult, Quinn." as her eyes glazed over.

"It's Okay, Tiffany," I replied breathlessly. After all, it was the heat of battle. And she certainly couldn't invoke the worst slurr on me without slurring herself too.

Brooke. Brooke, where did I leave Brooke?


--Ben Breeck



Daria put the gun back in the waistband of her skirt and stood over her victim. "Damn it, Quinn, why couldn't you just admit I'm your sister?"





Jake stood in the center of heavily armed, snarling Klingons, staring defiant, strong and unafraid as he looked directly in the eyes of Gowron - the leader of the Klingon High Council.

Gowron stepped forward. 'There is a saying on the Klingon homeworld: 'It is not the size of the targ in the fight, but the size of the fight in the targ'. You, Jacob, are human. Humans are soft, simpering, afraid.

He looked directly in Jake's eyes. 'But not you. You have proven yourself more than what your flesh would make you. Inside you beats the heart of a warrior. Through your veins runs blood like fire! The sounds that stir you are not the silly whimpers of weak, corpulent fools who have not the strength to lift a weapon, but the cry of the warrior - the clashing of arms, the lamentations of those fools who would dare to stand before you and draw their blades! You have fought with honor for the Empire - and you have proven with the blood of your enemies that your cause is true!'

Gowron drew his lev'ek from its sheath, and the two side blades flicked into view to make the weapon even more fearsome in appearance. 'On this day, as you stand in this place of glory, let no one deny the truth! Your heart - is Klingon.'

He held forth the blade, and Jake grasped the blade firmly with his bare right hand; there was no indication of pain... 'I give you back what was wrongfully taken from you; I give you back your family honor. Let your name once more be spoken aloud.'

As the High Council watched, Gowron looked upon the human with a burning pride.

'You are Jacob, son of the Mad Dog...'

Jacob took his hand away from the blade, leaving the blood he willingly shed for the Empire...

And the Klingons watched, for it was good...


--Brother Grimace



As Daria drew water from the well, she began to croak in her tuneless, monotone voice.

Someday my Prince will come
Someday we'll meet again
And way to his castle we'll go
to be happy forever, I know.

Someday when spring is near,
We'll find our "lover new"
And birds will sing
and wedding bells will ring
the moment my dreams come true

Up in the tower, the evil Queen Helen held her ears in pain.





"I'm having a bit of a crisis, Jane, " Daria sighed.

"What's up, amiga?" said Jane worriedly, peaking from behind the spring fashion display.

"Well.... green is my signiture color..." she said holding up a green one-piece swimsuit, then picked up a pink bikini. "....but I look so cute in pink, and I can't wear them both because they clash! What do I do?!"


--Mahna Mahna



"Oh, Kevie, she doesn't really!"

"But she just said...."

Britney dragged Kevin away from the group supposedly to keep him from making a fool of himself, but really because she needed time to think.

'So... you "fight crime in a stretchy, stretchy costume", eh? I *knew* it was you, Sarcastinater! Well well... it appears I'm one step up on the competition, as she doesn't know who *I* really am! Tonight, the Blonde Bomb will stike... and I will *not* miss!'

"Uh, babe... why are you cackling evily to yourself?"

"Silence, insolent mortal! I mean..uh... wanna make out... handsome?"



--Mahna Mahna



From the moment that Daria first kissed Trent, she knew that he would be utterly disappointing.


--Aaron Adelman



"Oh, wow," sighed Quinn, "that was great."
"Did you really like it Quinn?"
"Oh, yes, it was...fantastic. I never knew it could be like this."
"Well, there's something to be said for experience."
"I'll say, you were the best."
"Even better than the three J's?"
"You can be the fourth, and best, J."
"Thank you, Quinn."
"You're welcome, daddy."





As far as Daria could tell, she was the last woman on Earth, and Kevin was the last man. The fact that he still insisted he was the QB and kept calling her "babe" was not making her difficult decision any easier.


--Aaron Adelman



"Do you take Janet Barch to be your lawfully wedded wife"

"I do"

"And do you take Charles Ruttheimer to be your lawfully wedded husband"

"I do"





Jane made herself comfortable on her bed as she prepared to read Daria's 870-page opus, "Enter the Prize," a Star Trek slash novel about the passionate and X-rated romance between Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock, but first she made sure her vibrator had sufficient batteries for the long night ahead.


--Roger E. Moore



"Damn it, Jane!" said Daria. "Why do you have to keep putting ideas about me and Trent into the heads of fanfic writers?"

"How about some Daria-Kevin shipping instead?" asked Jane.

Daria shuddered. "Just go back to putting ideas about me and Trent into the heads of fanfic writers..."


--Aaron Adelman



Jane knew she had pushed Daria too far when she found herself in a fanfic where she was naked and in bed with Beavis and Butt-Head.


--Aaron Adelman



Butthead: Uh-huh-huh, we're going to score.

Beavis: Yeah, m'neh, yeah, hell yeah... I can't believe it, we're going to do with an actual chick, or something.

Butthead: Uh-huh-huh, COME to Butthead.

Daria: You guys are never going to score if you don't shut up and let me drink myself into oblivion first!

Butthead: Can I, like, have some?

Daria: Bugger off, buttmunch!


--Guy Payne



"Oh," Jane said to her new friend, "This is my brother, Trent. Say hi to Daria, Trent."

"Hey," Trent said.

Then without warning, he stuck his tongue down Daria's throat.





"Oh," Jane said to her new friend, "This is my brother, Trent. Say hi to Daria, Trent."

"Hey," Trent said.

Then without warning, he stuck his tongue down Daria's throat.


"Oh," added Jane as Trent walked away. "And that's his prosthetic tongue."

Daria continued to choke, wondering if her new friend knew the Heimlich maneuver.

--Kristen Bealer



As the Lawndale football team, clad in Klan robes, chased Mack past the Pizza King, Jane turned to Daria and sighed.

"It's going to be another one of those fanfics, isn't it?"

"Look on the bright side," Daria said, disgust showing on her face, "At least it can't get much worse."

"Wanna bet?" retorted Jane, gesturing the newly arived Tom, who now bore an uncanny resemblence to Lex Luthor.

"At least he's not dressed like Hitler this time," Daria sighed.

"No," Jane said in all seriousness, "I think its your sister and her friends' turn for that."

Daria lay her head on the table.

"I like it better when they're lesbians. At least then they don't hurt anyone."

"At least we aren't les-"

"Don't say it!" Daria moaned. "I've jinxed us enough already."

"So, care to wager on whether your mom will be actively antagonistic or simply neglectful?"

"I'm glad you can find this funny," Daria responded dryly, "No one in your family ever turns evil."

"True," Jane replied. "I'm hoping Trent might actually clean his room this time."

"Come on," Daria said as, across the room, Upchuck started to open his raincoat, "Let's get out of here before I end up pregnant again."





Announcer: And presenting the MTV Movie Award for best animation in a non animated movie, from MTV's Daria, Daria and Quinn Morgendorffer along with Jane Lane.

Daria, Quinn and Jane, dressed in evening gowns, walk onto the stage and cross to the podium. Quinn and Jane's gowns are in a halter style tied behind their necks. Daria's gown is more like a vest with buttons down the front.

Quinn: The nominees are...

Jane: (Interrupting.) Daria, aren't you in a new movie coming out next week?

Daria: (Smirking.) Yes, Jane I am. (We here a few cheers and 'Woos' from the audience.) "Daria, Is It Grad School Yet?" (We hear more cheers from the audience.) And if you go see the movie, (She motions to her chest.) you get to see these.

(The audience goes nuts while Jane and Quinn look on in faked horror.)

Quinn: (Overkill on the faked horror.) Daria, what do you mean?

(With a smirk, Daria turns her back to the audience, reaches up, and tears apart the upper half of her gown. Quinn and Jane lean in for a closer look.)

Quinn: See what? I don't get it.

Jane: You got paid a half a million for those?

(They take a close look at Daria.)

Quinn: This is why we're on a five second delay to prevent any more wardrobe malfunctions?

Jane: I'm sure we can find a magnifier backstage somewhere.





'We're in!' the masked man said, as the last of his four compatriots seemed to hang in midair on thin cables over their goal. 'We'll have it in a moment!'

Slowly, the five thieves moved downward towards their goal; the thin, scarlet beam of a laser-cutter sliced open a large circle in the glass case. 'The jacket of the 'Dice-man', one of the figures hissed. 'Andrew 'Dice' Clay was said to have worn this during the last performance he had on MTV - when he was 'banned-for-life'. The legends say that anyone who wears it will be able to inflict humiliation and despair upon all he meets!'

'Well, what did you expect - who WOULDN'T be humiliated to have someone wearing THAT actually coming up and talking to them?'

'QUINN POSSIBLE!!!' The masked men shrieked. 'What is she doing here-?' 'How did she know we'd be here?'

'Well, hello', Quinn said, looking annoyed as she leaned against the doorway of the museum. 'You're 'embarrassment ninjas' from Xulfanex, trying to find ways to hurt me and my sister, and and I'm a teenager who cares about her appearance, friends and what people think about me. The conclusion really writes itself.'

'Wow,' Tiffany drawled, looking at herself in the 'Kim Possible'-class outfit that she and the other F.C. girls - who finally stumbled, gasping for breath, into the room, were wearing. 'Does this make me look faaaaaat?'

'No it doesn't,' one of the ninjas snarled, taking out a pen-shaped object out and bathing Tiffany's backside in a swirling purple light, 'but THIS should!'

Tiffany let out a scream as her bottom suddenly began to swell outwards like a perfect of watermelons. 'A 'Baby-Got-Back'-cinnation beam,' Quinn snarled, leaping through the air at the alien ambassadors of black comedy and knocking the device out of reach. 'Time for your act to get the hook - the right hook and the left hook!'

'And this is how she piddles away her powers,' Daria said, sipping the banana daquiri a Speedo-wearing Trent held for her as Mack and the three J's, dressed likewise, massaged her limbs and Kevin held the TV that she watched. "I've got to use my powers for good!' Idiot.'

At that moment, Brittany and Jodie, wearing matching string bikinis, entered the huge sleeping chamber. 'Mistress Daria, your bath is drawn, and we are ready to bathe you,' they spoke in unison. 'We live for the opportunity to please you.'

'Of course you do,' Daria said, lifting her head so Jesse and Max could put her crown on after she rose from her bed. 'That's exactly why you live.'

Daria strode across the room towards her bath, but just before she entered, she stopped and took a deep, satisfied breath. 'really love these fanfics where I finally get to cut loose, win out over everyone, and have lots of fun,' she sighed. 'It's good to be the Queen.


--Brother Grimace



As Daria wondered why she was on board the finest ship of this alternate world's Republic of Korea, she spied a familiar old man swabbing the deck.

"Excuse me," she said to a nearby petty officer, pointing to the person she knew as the founder of the Unification Church, "What is that man doing here?"

"Oh, him?" replied the PO, "He's just a Seaman Rectuit. Can't even make it to Able Crew. Personally, I think he should take his pension and live off of it, but I'm not him."

"And isn't that the front man of Queen next to him? I thought he was dead."

"No, he's quite alive. He's on loan from Britain's Royal Navy. What do you mean? He's never been Her Majesty's spokesman."

"Never Mind. Figure of Speach."

Daria scowled as recalled what the blonde guy in the glasses. "The next time I see you" she subvocalized, "I'm going to kill you. 'Just like one of the worlds of Takehashi Rumiko' my ass!"


--Ben Breeck



Demartino: ".......Which brings us, class, to the assassination of Abraham Lincolin, our sixteenth president. His death by a snipers bullet precipitated a new amendment to the constitution which states that any threat made towards the president even in jest, and a I stress even in jest, it will be considered a federal offense. You will be tried, prosecuted, and thrown in jail."

Kevin: Wait a second, what you're saying is ... even if a I hypothetically said something along the lines of "Oooh, I dunno, I'm going to shoot the president tomorrow", that immediately....."

*Secret servicemen immediately swoop in on him, eventually dragging him away in cuffs*

Demartino: "You see? I can't stress this enough, people. Not even in jest, should you say something like, "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if I killed the president"...."

*Secret servicemen immediately swoop in on him, dragging him away in cuffs*

Upchuck: "If he's not back in fifteen minutes...

(Cut to: Backstage, Upchuck is watching himself on TV)

Upchuck (TV): "I think we can go home.....Yeah?"

Upchuck: "That is VERY funny. Hi there, I'm an on-air personality. You know, after a tough day shooting my hit TV series, *Looks upwards* "Daria", *Looks back at the camera again* there's nothing I enjoy more than having some unprotected sex. Not only do those orgasms feel teriffic, but afterwards, I fall right to sleep. It's even better than taking pills. ...... Heh, heh, just kidding. ...... And when it's unprotected sex, hey man, that's when things REALLY start to swing. Not only do I risk impregnating my underage partners, but think of all of those spooky diseases. *snobbish fear* Ouch! And here's something you may not have thought of, sex if a terrifc way to make some extra money. Every now and again, when I'm strapped for cash, I like to slip on a skirt, slap on some lipstick, tie my d!ck between my legs, and head down to the docks for a little hustling. The money's right and it's a hell of a rush. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Hey on-air personality, isn't hustling *Makes quote marks with fingers* "dangerous"?" You bet it is, and that's why I charge A LOT. It keeps the riff-raff away, if you know what I'm talking about. *Pulls out a revolver* And I also carry this. It's an exact replica of the gun John Hinkley Jr. used when he said "Hey, I think I'm gonna kill the president."

*Secret Servicemen immediately swoop in on him, dragging him off-screen*


--Reese Kaine



Tied belly-down over a pair of 55-gallon barrels, Daria and Jane could only watch helplessly as they watched the Evil Puppets of 'Smile Time' taking turns with Trent from behind, sending low, agonized grunts of pain all through the dimly-lit room.

'Come on, guitar-man, we know you love it!' the lead puppet said, smirking his evil little puppet smile as he pushed Trent's head back down. 'You know what they say -'You'll always come back to plastic, 'cause you know it's fantastic!'

As Trent's sobs began to echo and the other demonic toy figures began to cast furtive glances back intheir direction, Daria craned her neck to toss a searing look over in Jane's direction.

'I hope this buries your 'puppets make everything funny' theory once and for all...'


--Brother Grimace



Trent laughed evily from his command platform at the top of the Jungfraujoch observatory, high in the Swiss alps. His hand posed menacingly over his double-guitar.

"Yes, I've linked my guitar directly to the world's telecommunication grid!" he cackled, at the nearly dead agent tied to the telescope. "And soon, the entire world will hear my 'suicide sonata'! My music will completely overwhelm and destroy the minds of the fools and philistines of this pathetic planet...and I will cleanse the world of those who couldn't appreciate my work! No one will escape me! NO ONE!"

His mad laughter climbed into a near scream...when a small voice from the doorway stopped him cold.

"Aw, Trent, you're breakin' my heart."

Shocked, Trent swiveled to face the source of the voice. It was a young woman, a hair over five feet tall, wearing a heavy green coat.

And a pair of one of a kind glasses.

"D-Daria?" Trent stammered, astonished.

She nodded. "In the flesh...and I can't let you do this."

Trent gulped, and cast his eyes down, in shame. "I—I'm sorry, Daria...I can't stop now. Not for anything. Not even you." Trent's fingers strummed the guitar, and the first few chords of The Song echoed through the observatory.

Daria smirked. "I thought so...and I wouldn't have it any other way." In a flash, she pulled her hand from her jacket, along with a fistful of tarot cards.

Another "flash" later, and the cards were airborne, endowed with an impossible speed, gaining the strength and sharpness of tempered steel as the streaked towards the deranged musician...





Trent sighed as he looked over the selection of "Sorry!" cards in the Hallmark Gifts shop, wondering which of them would work best when he sent it to Daria to apologize for shooting her sister.


--Roger E. Moore



Daria hesitated outside the seedy motel room with her hand on the doorknob, knowing that in only moments she would open the door and confront Trent, who had cold-blooded murdered her sister, and wondering if there was any way she could possibly thank him enough.


--Roger E. Moore



Grim-faced, Quinn reached for one of the three straws clutched in Tiffany's hand while Stacy looked on, and she wondered which of the three of them would be the one to confront Sandi with the knowledge that her feminine hygiene spray was no longer keeping her "fresh."


--Roger E. Moore



SANDI: Gee, Quinn, these Daria and Jane masks make for the perfect costumes for Halloween. This is such a great idea that maybe we should make you president of the Fashion Club.

QUINN: Oh, Sandi, I could never replace you!


--Aaron Adelman



Daria pulled back on the joystick, then banked into a dive. As she sent her craft screamed through the bright sky of this balmy spring morning, Daria reflected on the events that brought her to this pass.

"Sure, 'Hey Daria,' he said, 'hear you're getting tired of being stuck in anime crossovers.'

"'Want to try something different?' he said.

"'Something Japanese without being anime or manga?,' he said enthusiasticly.

"So, like an idiot, I had to say..."

Her last thoughts were lost as her bomb-laden Mitsubishi Zero-sen Kamikaze tore into the fore stack of the heavy cruiser, USS Lawndale.

--Guy Payne



Baroness Daria von Morganhammer pulled back on the stick and opened the throttle, the rotary engine of her red Fokker triplane roaring as it pulled the craft higher above the torn landscape of No Man's Land, watching as the bullet ridden FE2-B of Beavis and Butthead spiralled flaming toward the British trenches. She could almost hear them cry out, "Uh-huh-huh, hey, Beavis, pull my joystick, uh-huh-huh."

"Yes," she muttered, "the killer skies will destroy us all." She then paused and looked thoughtfull. "Then again," she mused, "how many times have I shot them down? God, they must account for a full quarter of my vicories."

She swooped over the British lines, ignoring the Tommy's gunfire, to see the pair cavorting about their burning pusher plane, cackling about fire and how cool it was. They spotted her plane and began chanting, "Diarhea, cha-cha-cha!

"You guys are never going to die valiantly for your country," she mocked as she gave them a desultory straffing.

She climbed over the German trenches ignoring the cheers and accolades coming from below. "Let's see," she thought, counting on her fingers. "One more victory will net me the Iron Cross. Where's that damn beagle?"

She flew off, looking for the familiar silhouette of a flying doghouse, thinking, "The killer skies will destroy us all... I've got to get a new motto..."


--Guy Payne




Jane: "Tomb Raider, Double Dragon, Street Fighter, Pokemon...."

Daria: "Games that should never be movies." (DING!)


Jane: "Anthrax, Faith No More, Mr. Bungle, Pantera......."

Daria: "Bands this old webamaster loves." (DING!)


Jane: "Undergrads, Game Over, Sin City..."

Daria: "Animated shows that floped." (DING!)


Jane: "Hulk Hogan, Sable, Triple H, The Rock....."

Daria: "Wrestlers that think they can act." (DING!)


Jane: "Child Molestors, Gangsters, Ex-Boyfriends....."

Daria: "People you can anal-rape in a Korean videogame." (DING!)


Jane: "Upchuck the hunk, Kevin the brain, Barch the Nympho, Daria the teeny-bopper....."

Daria: "Uhh..."


Jane *Panicking*: "YouMeJakeChuckTedORGY!!

Daria *Beat*: "ScenesInABadFanfi"(BUUUUUZZZZZZ!!!)

Dick Clark: Judges?

*Inaudible muffles*

Dick Clark: "A winner is you!"


--Reese Kaine



Ms Li looked at the chaotic classroom in the security monitors, irritation warring with resignation in her features. Mr Demartino had suffered a mild heart attack yesterday while attempting to throttle Kevin after one too many idiotic answers, and finding a substitute this time had been harder than ever. It could have been her thriftyness, or the students reputation, but it seemed like subs were harder and harder to come by these days. Her features hardened as her gaze fell on the sole island of calm amid the roughhousing and chatter, Daria Morgendorffer.

She'd tried to 'encourage' Ms. Morgendorffer into taking over the class, in the name of school spirit, but she'd refused. One tiny clerical error, in the school's favor of course, meant that she hadn't been paid for her previous stint as a sub, and this time the little wench had demanded double salary, paid in advance. Naturally Angela's pock-- er the schools budget couldn't afford that, so she'd had to resort to scalping subs from school districts as far as three hours away.

Movement on several of the parklot cameras alerted her that the sub had finally arrived. She hurried along to meet him at the side entrance nearest the lot. "My, my Angela, we really are getting to the bottom of the *snort/giggle* barrel" she muttered to herself while watching her latest patsy struggle out of his car.

He was fairly tall and had a rather flustered air about him, helped along by the multitude of items he was juggling amid his hands while attempting to put his keys in his pocket, shut the car door and take a drink from his travel mug. As he tried to get organized, she took an assesing look at his car. There were a few rusty spots but all in all it was rather respectable, with the possible exception of its bumperstickers.

She squinted just a little and adjusted her glasses straining to read what the two stickers said. She was naturally a little confused by them: "I Brake for Sheep" and "Penguins Are A Mans Best Friend"

By the time she'd recovered he had done the same, mainly by stuffing most of his things in a battered pleather briefcase that looked as if it had been through a hurricane... or three.

With an open friendly smile on his face he held out a hand and spoke, "Hi, I'm Roger, Roger Moore. You called about a substitute for- what was it again now?" At this point he stopped and pulled a piece of paper from one pocket, "oh yeah, history class."

Ms Li spin around with a taunt "This way." and lead him down the corridor, thinking to herself 'God I need a drink."


--Thea Zara



"Igor!" cried Dr. Frankenstein. "The monster is almost ready! All it needs is a brain. Bring me a brain."

"Ooh, yes, Dr. Frankenstein," said Igor, "ooh, yes!"

Igor left the room and returned with Daria Morgendorffer.

"Igor, you idiot!" cried Dr. Frankenstein.


--Aaron Adelman



Daria screamed as the creature came into sight. She rose to her full height and backhanded the Bank of Tokyo skyscraper, gave another angry scream and spat a stream of pure radioactive napalm at her foe.

"Urrrrrrrrhhhh," said Upchuck, shaking off the effects of the fire, "Fffffeeeeeiiissssty!" He stomped a sushi bar and waddled foreward.

Daria's tail knocked a monorail off it's track, as she screamed and charged into the fray...


--Guy Payne



"Dammit," Daria Morgendorffer said in a quiet deadpan as she began to wipe bits of Trent's brain and pieces of his skull off of her person. "This is the worst 'Russian Roulette' night we've ever had." Impassively, she picked up the smoking .38 and handed it to Kevin Thompson. "Your turn, Kevin." As the moronic QB took the loaded pistol from her, she turned to her friend Jane Lane and whispered, "The things I do for heroin money."


--Brandon League



Daria Morgendorffer looked up sadly from the can of paint she was huffing and gave Jane's corpse a mournful sigh. It was times like this she wished deep in her heart that she had kept Upchuck as her pimp.


--Brandon League



"Rrrrrr - feisty!" growled Upchuck.

"Aw - Babe!" came Kevin's voice from behind the janitor's closet door, closely followed by Brittany's squeak of "Oooh, Kevvie!"

"Come out of there, you MAN!" screamed Barch from the corridor, rattling the teachers' lounge door behind which Timothy O'Neill cowered, muttering "Oh dear!"

Mr De Martino stomped past, his eye bulging, muttering "Why did I have to become a TEACHer? I could have stayed in 'NAM! Being PRISoner of the Viet CONG was better than THIS!" just as the PA system came alive with the sonorous drone of "Students and faculty of Laaaaaaawndale High!"

"That's it!" thought Daria. "I don't care what Tomdalf says!" Reaching into her pocket she slipped the ring on her finger and disappeared.

"Nasty! Tricksy!" hissed Quinn, scuttling out from behind the lockers holding a wiggling fish between her teeth.

"Mistress! No!" yelled Jane, a look of devastation on her face.





As Jane slipped the roofies and X into Daria's drink, she cackled to herself. This plan would get Daria and Trent together for sure.





Tiffany staired into the eyes of the man she loved, the man she'd just married.

"I love you Ken."





Daria Morgendorffer awoke with a start. She had been dreaming. About what, she wasn't exactly sure...only that there had been a lot of running and screaming. Mystified over her vague dreams, she got up and walked down the hall to the bathroom. Maybe some cool water on the old face would sort things out. Rubbing her eyes sleepily, she opened the bathroom door and...

...her eyes widened at the sight of the teenage boy at the sink, absent mindedly brushing his teeth. She gave him a quick lookover. He was slightly younger than herself, closer to Quinn's age. He had dark brown hair and was slightly overweight, although not that much so. Next to him, on the counter, sat a large brownish toad. The boy, strangely, seemed to be in the middle of chastising the toad through a mouthful of toothpaste.

"Now, Trevor, you have got to be more careful than that. If Gran finds you in her sink again, she's going to make a pie out of you...."

Suddenly wide awake, Daria managed to spit out...."Trevor? You''re Neville Longbottom?"

The boy looked up surprised. "Yeah, that's right. Who are you?"

Without an answer, she slammed the door in his face.

Daria stomped her way back to her room. As soon as she got there, she looked skyward and bellowed, "BRANDON!!!! YOU'VE MIXED FORUMS AGAIN! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT WRITING AFTER YOU'VE DRANK SIX OR MORE SHOTS OF TEQUILA?"

Hundreds of miles the real world...a portly, bearded, would-be writer in his late twenties blushed, blinked and put the tequila back in the freezer.

"Sorry," he mumbled.


--Brandon League



Irritated that they were daring to put out Scooby Doo 2 after the first one sucked, Daria ran over not only Scooby Doo, but also Fred, Daphne, Velma, and Shaggy as well.


--Aaron Adelman



Part 7 in the Daria/Tanandaria Crossover Saga:
"Who Needs Fans When You Can Have an Air Conditioner?"

"Tell me, Taryn," said Daria, biting her lip and choking back a sob. "What...have they been writing about me...there....."

Taryn sighed. "I....I can't." She looked away.

"What goes on at the PPMB is the fans' business.... not yours," Ranger said.

"Besides, you could just check yourself at!"



"Never mind, I don't want to know," said Daria. "I don't know that I can handle it anyway, what with the deaths of Helen, Jake, Quinn, Jane, Trent, Mahna Mahna, Jodie, Fluffy, Rita, Brett & Brad, Roger, Mack, Kevin, and Britney on my mind."

"I know," said Mahna. "I....wait, what was that sixth one?"

"Sorry I meant..... eventual death." Mahna raised an eyebrow as Daria raised a walkie-talkie to her mouth. "Pst! She's onto us! Paint the van a less suspicious color and postpone the hit for one hour later!"

"Who are you talking to?"




--Mahna Mahna



Four ninjas invading Lawndale High was surprising enough, but when Angela Li took them on in hand-to-hand combat and beat them up, no one knew what to say.

"What are you all doing standing there staring at me?" she snapped. "I told you we needed all that security, and I was right. Now get back to class!"


After Daria had lost her virginity with Trent for the 1,873rd time, she knew the fanfic authors were stuck in a serious rut, and some of them needed to be killed...


Trent sighed. As Daria and Monique pummeled each other in a fight over who would have him, he knew he would have to tell them that he was gay...


Little did Trent realize Monique was dating him just to get close to Daria...


--Aaron Adelman



[Interior: Jane Lane's spacious and well appointed London apartment.]

Jane [Sitting down and slinging her legs over the arm of the chair]: So, anyway, tomorrow I'm off for the country to do a spot of bunburrying.

Daria: Bunburrying? Sounds perfectly dreadfull. What's that?

Jane: When I'm in the country, I take on a new name, Lady Bunburry. No one knows who I am and I can do most anything I like.

Daria: Don't you do that now?

Jane [Rising and going to the window]: Oh, Daria, do let's not be tiresome. Oh, damn.

Daria: What is it?

Jane: It's your fiance, Tom Sloane and his perfectly dreadful father, Angier. I do declare...


Jane and Daria look momentarily confused, then come to the lip of the stage. "What is it now?" said Daria with a frown.

Guy leaned back and put his feet on the seats in front of him. "It's the British accents. They're just not working. We'll have to cut them."

"Now look," said Jane, "I've been working on this for weeks, and I think I finally have it..."

"It's not you, Jane, it's Miss Monotone there. If she can't do it convincingly, then to preserve verisimilitude you've all got to drop it too."

"Brits can't be monotone?" said Daria.

"Look, Payne, this is the final dress rehearsal, you can't just change it now!"

Tom stuck his head in the door. "Besides that, who holds a final dress opening night?"

"In his tattered tighty whiteys," said Amy through the window.

The intercom crackled. "Mr. Payne?" said Upchuck, "The house is now open."

"What!?" he said, looking down, then over at the audience filing in.

Daria rolled her eyes. "Why don't you just pinch yourself and wake up?"

Guy, breaking the fourth wall, looks at the message board readers to deliver his punchline, "What, and give up show business?"

In the orchestra pit, Max delivers a rimshot.


--Guy Payne



'ALL STATIONS ALERT! ALL STATIONS ALERT! Massive hostile forces are approaching all entranceways at high speed! All demon troops are to report to their stations! Ready all heavy weapons for firing! This is not a drill! Repeat - THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!!'

Satan rushed into Hell's Situation Room, fastening his bathrobe as he sprinted to the main monitors, sulphur and sparks still dancing around his hoofprints. 'Report!'

'Sir, tactical indicates over fifty thousand luxury-size automobiles and SUV's headed towards us at high speed!' one low-level demon cried out, turning from its console. 'We're also picking up limousines, sir - the stretch ones, sir - fully stocked bars, satellite phones - '

'Forward recon's spotted lead elements of the attack force!' another demon shouted. 'Jaguars, Cadillac Evoq's, Bentley convertibles, Ferrari Enzo's and Lamborghinis - multiple models!'

'This is it,' a wide-eyed demon said, its voice holding stunned disbelief. "They're actually doing it. They're actually attacking us...'

'Everyone - get into full battle gear,' the Prince of Darkness spoke, his voice barely a whisper. 'Move...'

Satan watched the massive signal on the tactical scope, so many points of light that the screen was rapidly covered in white... 'And this is how the world ends...'

A thousand leagues away, thousands upon thousands of luxury and sports vehicles roared across the firlds of fire, totally unharmed as they shot towards the Gates of Hell at unholy speeds.

In one of the lead Bentley convertibles, Helen Morgendorffer - dressed perfectly for a day in court - sat at the wheel, smiling as she listened to the voice coming over the earpiece to her cell phone.

'Today, my fellow lawyers, we take Hell!' Johnny Cochran said, lounging in the back seat of his limo. 'Use the Law like the divine weapon it is, and smite them out of existence! Today, fellow Officers of the Court - WE'RE GONNA KILL 'EM ALL!!!'

And the Last Day of Hell began...


--Brother Grimace



"You just HAD to get carried away with this didn't you," Daria Morgendorffer snarled at her best friend Jane Lane. New school...maybe a new start but nooooo, same old Jane."

"Hey, don't pin this one on me, amiga, I saw the gleam in your eye when Deref wrote that one about Quinn being Gollum. Didn't you say that you couldn't get the image of Quinn with a fish in her teeth out of your head for three days!"

"Fun's one thing, but look at us!" Daria wailed, showing Jane their current prediciment, their heads and wrists locked in a pair of vicious looking stocks right in the middle of Sister Kara's office.

"Yeah," said Jane, "who would have thought that the punishments at 'Our Lady Of Perpetual Nightmare' were so extreme!"

"Dammit Jane, you sound like you're impressed!"

Jane opened her mouth to reply, when suddenly a throat was cleared loudly behind them. Daria didn't have to be a mind reader to guess who it was.

"Ladies...ladies...ladies...." came the soft croon of school Headmistress, Sister Kara."I've just received word of the three hundredth post. Are you ready to receive your punishments?" Luckily, neither girl was in a position to see the wicked looking paddle Sister Kara wielded like a samurai sword.

"Oh hell," muttered Daria, knowing nonetheless that any punishment involving a nun and stocks couldn't be good.

"Oh yeah," murmured Jane. "Oh hell."


--Brandon League



Naked and sweating with joyous anticipation, Charles Ruttheimer III lay back on the crinkling plastic sheet laid over the floor of his bedroom and uncapped the tube of KY Jelly. "Animaniacs" would be on the TV in less than a minute, and this would be a Saturday morning to remember.


--Roger E. Moore



"Please, Quinn," Daria begged, "I want to come with you to Cashmans and learn the ways of the Fashion Club."