Scenes no Daria fanfic should ever have! II

Amy Barksdale struggled to keep her voice level, but her face began to screw up as she faced Daria across the kitchen table of Amy's apartment. "So, I gave you to my sister to raise as her own," she said. "You are my daughter."

Daria sank back in her chair. If a tornado had lifted the roof from the building and flung her into the sky, she could not be more stunned. "You're my mother?" she said, her voice too high.

Amy nodded and reached for Daria's hands. "You're my daughter," she said, her voice cracking.

Daria grasped the hands of the woman she had long believed was her aunt, feeling tears rise to her eyes. "Then who's my father?" she whispered.

Amy's face dissolved in tears. She opened her mouth.

[story continued on post #302]

--Roger E. Moore

The citizens of Lawndale were all gathered outside LHS, all wearing Mouseketeer outfits...

'Now it's time, to say goodbye, to all our company... M - I - C -

Jane Lane piped up cheerfully. 'See you real soon!'

The chant continued. 'K - E - Y- '

Daria looked mournfully into the air. 'Why? Because we like you.'

'M - O - U - S - E....!'

'Well, that was fun!' Angela Li snapped. 'Now, it's time for the boysenberry-Jello lube-up and Orgy in the pool! Everybody - follow me!'

--Brother Grimace

"Daria", Helen spoke, "I am your father."

"No!" Daria screamed. "That's not true! That's impossible!"

Suddenly everything came to a screaching halt.

"Really," Daria continued, more calmly. "That's physically impossible."

"Oh, shut up and throw yourself down the well already," Helen snapped as she pushed Daria off the ledge.

--WacoKid

"Let's see, I've been killed, killed myself, raped, institutionalized, lost my virginity and made hot monkey love with Trent, tossed Tom to the curb, discovered my Aunt is really my mother, returned to Highland, brought down an evil corporation threatening my way of life, (okay all the students ways of life), hung in my now patented "Something eating at my soul pose" in Jane's room, bonded with my sister, got a makeover from my sister, found out I had a long lost brother and sister, befriended someone I'd never met before this week, made out with my sister, best friend, everyone in Lawndale, kicked Upchuck in the groin, had fun with Kevin and Brittany without them knowing it, wrote a moving story, bonded closer with my parents, discovered my superpowers, and saved the world many, many times just this week alone!"

<turns to authors>

"I think we're definitely in a rut here, folks."

--A.J.

"Jakie, sweetie, there's something I need to confess," said Helen nervously, looking out the window."

"I never liked confessions," said Jake. "Usually it's something I don't want to hear, like when my old man told me he wished that my Mom had been unfaithful, and that I wasn't really his." He glowered at the ceiling. "Well, maybe I didn't want to be yours either, you old goat! Maybe..."

"Jake, I'm serious. You're about to find out anyway, so I may as well come out and say it. Daria... isn't your daughter."

"What?!?"

"Yes, there, I've said it. She isn't your biological daughter. Oh, God, Jakie, I'm soooo sorry!" She wept. "It... it was a momentary lapse, but he was so... handsome and charming. I... I just couldn't resist!"

"You... you betrayed me?" he said, his anger rising, "You betrayed me with another man?!?"

"Wellllll," she said, "it wasn't exactly another man..."

Whatever else she was going to say was drowned out by the sound of enormous wings flapping and the impact of something heavy landing outside.

To Jake's horror, a huge, reddish-brown, scaley head filled their second storey bedroom window, and a huge, green cat's eye zeroed in on Helen.

"Mother?" said Daria, voice dripping with sarcasm, "Is there something you need to tell me?"

--Guy Payne

Jane turned to her brother. “Um Wind? I hate to break it to you, but I don’t think Mommy and Daddy are bringing us home any new brothers or sisters.”

“Hmm,” Trent grumbled. “Bummer.”

Everyone stopped and turned as they heard the front door open. A moment later Vincent and Amanda Lane were standing in the doorway to the kitchen; Amanda was holding something wrapped in a pink blanket.

“Trent! Jane! Wind!” she exclaimed happily.

Vincent squinted for a moment at Daria, “Penny?”

“Mom? Dad? What are you guys doing back so early?” Jane asked, not removing her eyes from what her mother was holding.

“Oh! Well, we couldn’t stand our newest little bundle of joy not having a name. We came back early so we could take her out to the Naming Gazebo and-"

Wind burst into tears.

--Ajzin23

NOW IT'S MILLER TIME!

--Brandon League

Tom - Wait. Why is everyone so mad at me?

Daria - Why? Why? Because I moved to this town and I knew immediately I'd be a total outcast. And in the one moment of good luck I've had in my entire life, I met another outcast who I could really be friends with and not have to feel completely alone. And then you came along and screwed the whole thing up!

Tom - All I did was meet a girl I thought was cool and I went out with her for a while. We started to get bored with each other. It happens all the time. It's nobody's fault.

Daria - Oh yeah? Would you still be bored with her if I weren't around?

Tom - Probably. And more to the point, she'd be bored with me. It's got nothing to do with you.

Daria - Good. Because I'm not interested in you, and I'd be stabbing my friend in the back if I even considered it.

Tom - Exactly. And what kind of a jerk would that make me?

Daria - Exactly.

Tom - All right then.

Daria - Okay.

(Tom suddenly leans over and kisses Daria. She violently shoves him away, and slaps him.)

Daria - You jerk! You a**hole! You treacherous back-stabber. How could you do that?

Tom - Oh, come on, Daria! You know it's all over between me and Jane.

Daria - Then tell her it's over before you try anything with me. (She starts to get out of the car.)

Tom - Daria, wait! What if we make it a threesome?

(Midway out the door of Tom's car, Daria stops. A sly smile cross her lips. She gets back in the car.)

Daria - Do you mean that? You, me, and Jane?

Tom - Sure, why not?

Daria - Okay, Tom, now I'm interested. The sooner the better.

Tom (starting car again) - Next stop --- the Lane residence.

--Steve Cross

Tom - Wait. Why is everyone so mad at me?

Daria - Why? Why? Because I moved to this town and I knew immediately I'd be a total outcast. And in the one moment of good luck I've had in my entire life, I met another outcast who I could really be friends with and not have to feel completely alone. And then you came along and screwed the whole thing up!

Tom - All I did was meet a girl I thought was cool and I went out with her for a while. We started to get bored with each other. It happens all the time. It's nobody's fault.

Daria - Oh yeah? Would you still be bored with her if I weren't around?

Tom - Probably. And more to the point, she'd be bored with me. It's got nothing to do with you.

Daria - Good. Because I'm not interested in you, and I'd be stabbing my friend in the back if I even considered it.

Tom - Wait? You thought I was interested in you?

Daria - But ... Trent said ....

Tom (laughing) - Trent? Come on, Daria. Trent can barely tie his shoes, let along pick up on anything. I mean, what possible reason would I have to be interested in you? Sure, you were entertaining to talk to when Jane was busy with her art, but get real. You're ugly, you're mean and spiteful, and you smell like sour milk. Just because I pick up 'thrill rides' like Jane at sleazy clubs doesn't mean I'm that desperate. I thought you just had some kind of crazy passive-aggressive scheme to drive a wedge between me and Jane so you could have her all to yourself again, but - wow! - this takes the cake.

(Daria breaks down in tears and runs off into the house.)

--WacoKid

Daria - Did you want to talk about Jane?

Tom - Nope.

Daria - Oh. Then... what?

Tom (voice changes and mouth stops moving) I have to go now. My planet needs me.

(The whole cel with Tom on it is moved upwards. A screen shows some handwritten text: "Note: Tom died on the way back to his home planet".)

--WacoKid

Daria: What...what do you mean?

Tom: Um, Daria....this is hard for me to say but...but....I'm in love with Trent. I'm gay, Daria.

Daria: What?!

Tom: Yeah. Um, I can't deny who I am any more. I just haven't told Jane yet.

(Daria looks hard at Tom for a long minute....and gets out of the car.)

Daria (under her breath): Good one, God.

--Brandon League

"Jane," Daria asked, "do you ever feel, you know, not so fresh?"

--WacoKid

Trembling with excitement, Daria picked up Kevin's used jock strap, held it to her face and inhaled deeply.

--WacoKid

The next day, in DeMartino's class, a short man in glasses and fatigues enters the class room, barely holding back the tears.

DeMartino: You'd BETTER have your HALL pass, son!

Radar [reading]: Yesterday, at sixteen hundred hours, the spacecraft bearing Major Tom Sloane was shot down over the Sea of Japan...

--Guy Payne

"Jane," Daria asked, "do you ever feel, you know, not so fresh?"

"No," said Daria, "I don't. But that's because I'm not really a girl. You see, my parents never wanted a boy, so they raised me as a girl. That's also why I'm flat-chested."

There was an awkward pause. Jane was speechless.

"Do you think Trent would still love me if he knew?" asked Daria.

--Aaron Adelman

Trembling with excitement, Daria picked up Kevin's used jock strap, held it to her face and inhaled deeply.

DARIA (in extacy) : Jane was right! It does smell better than Trent's!

--Greystar

"Jane," Daria asked, "do you ever feel, you know, not so fresh?"

"No," Jane replied as she wrapped her arms around Daria's hips, "but I would."

--WacoKid

"Jane," Daria asked, "do you ever feel, you know, not so fresh?"

"No," Jane replied as she wrapped her arms around Daria's hips, "but I would."

Daria was speachless.

After a short pause, Jane continued.

"Do you think you could wear a jock strap for me?"

--WacoKid

"Tom? I...I'm pregnant." Daria paused. "What? What's wrong? SAY something, Tom!"

"All right, then...how about 'It's funny you should say that, because I was emasculated in a propane tank explosion when I was six, and the only reason I'm not considered a total eunich is because of massive reconstructive surgery, and a handful of hormone pills every day before every meal.' There, now that that's out of the way, is there anything else that you might want to tell me about now?"

--Ranchoth

"Sooo...let me get this straight..." Mr. DeMartino said coolly after Ms. Li's latest announcement at the staff meeting, "we will no longer be teaching fractions?"

"Or decimals." Ms. Li replied calmly. "For budgetary reasons."

"Budgetary reasons?" Mr. DeMartino said through clenched teeth, obviously trying to control his anger.

"Mr. DeMartino," Ms. Li quipped, "Do you have any idea how much it costs to buy all those teaching aides? The calculators to convert from fractions to decimals, the extra chalk to write it all out, the hours of teaching wasted on such useless concepts that will never serve our students in the real world."

"DEcimals won't SERVE our STUDENTS?" Mr. DeMartino's eye was really bugging out now.

"Angela," Mr. O'Neill began, "I think what Anthony is trying to say is..."

"How the h*ll are we supposed to even grade papers if we can't use ratios and fractions?!" Ms. Barch chimed in.

"I've come up with an alternative grading scale." Ms. Li continued her explanation, "All students will now be graded on a pass-fail system."

The teachers all looked around, trying to figure out what to say next, but none of them could come up with anything new.

"So," Ms. Li shuffled a pile of papers in front of her, "if there are no more complaints I think you'll all be interested in hearing about my new ideas for the English department..."

"Mr. O'Neill?" Daria said the next Monday, raising her hand.

"Yes, Darya." Mr. O'Neill replied, calling on her with only a cursory glance at his seating chart.

"Mr. O'Neill, I think you spelled 'Frankenstein' wrong."

"Oh no I didn't, that's the new school mandated spelling."

"School mandated?"

"Yes. Ms. Li felt that it would be best if you could all focus more on your learning, less on your spelling so she took the...necessary steps."

Daria looked around.

"Mr. O'Neill?" she began cautiously after noticing a slight trend, "what happened to the vowels 'e' and 'i'?"

Mr. O'Neill began to cry.

--Isa Yo-Jo

"I agree, Daria," added Sandi, "But it hasn't quite got the depth of character or number 23 which was, if I recall, Mr McKenzie's. Tiffany?"

Tiffany looked confused. "Which one was number seventeeeeeeeen?"

Quinn looked at her clipboard and sighed. "Upchuck, Tiffany. Number seventeen was upchuck. Please try to remember."

"Oh yeaaaaaah."

Stacy's heart beat faster. "Please let Ted win, please let Ted win..." she whispered, her eyes shut tight.

And so the annual Lawndale High jockstrap judging continued.

--Deref

"Trent are you sure about this new direction we're taking?"

"Quit winging Jesse, and Max put your wig back on. Ok everybody lets take it from the top."

"Ummmmmmbop"

--Ned

Before the assembled students in the bleachers, Ms. Morris started to speak. "As you all know, Coach Henderson, who would normally be here to help me in this demonstration, is in the hospital having a multiple hemerhoidectomy. We all wish him well, of course. So, a substitute has been chosen from among the faculty to take his place. Anthony DeMartino, come on out."

DeMartino joins Morris before the bleachers.

"Now," continued Morris, "before I begin, have you all brought your consent forms?"

The students hold their consent forms above their heads, save one.

"Mr. Dewit-Clinton, if you do not have your consent form, kindly join the Juniors in the library."

Ted gets up and shuffles out.

"Very well, we will now begin the state mandated sex education class. Anthony, you may begin."

Morris and DeMartino begin disrobing.

"BeFORE we begin, are there ANY questions? Yes, DARia?"

"Are we required to keep our eyes open?"

"YES!"

Morris looked disdainfully at DeMartino, and said, "I know what you mean, kid. I was hoping for Claire Dafoe, myself."

Jane screeched, stood up and threw her books at Morris. "YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF HER YOU SLUT! SHE'S MINE!!!"

--Guy Payne

HELEN: Daria, there's something we need to tell you, and you're not going to like it.

DARIA: Oh?

JAKE: You see, you're adopted.

DARIA: That doesn't sound so bad.

HELEN: And Butt-Head is your brother.

DARIA: <scream>

--Aaron Adelman

Buster: Hi, I'm Buster Bunny!

Babs: And I'm Babs Bunny!

Both: No relation.

Quinn: Well, I'm Quinn Morgendorffer.

Daria: And I'm Daria Morgendorffer.

Quinn: (quickly) No relation.

Daria: Quinn....

Quinn: Ok, she's my...um...cousin?

Daria: I'm her mother's sister's niece.

Buster: In other words, her sister?

Daria: Sadly, yes.

Babs: And a perfectly good running gag goes down the tubes.

Quinn: Which one? Ours or yours?

Buster: Good question.

(Suddenly Upchuck wanders by with a white stripe down his back)

Upchuck: Oh Fifi! Where are youuuuuuu?

--Mahna Mahna

After convincing the Fashion Club that poking their eyes out is "The Next Big Thing," Daria muses that perhaps her mother won't be terribly pleased about this...

--Guy Payne

(Jane walks, dejected along a street. Trent’s car pulls up.)

Trent - Yo.

Jane - Hey.

Trent - What you doing?

Jane - Walking.

Trent - Hair looks fine.

Jane - Thanks.

Trent - Lift?

Jane - Nah.

Trent - Come on. We need to go for more rides.

(Jane pauses, then shrugs.)

Jane – What the hell.

(in the car)

Trent - Hey, you know, about Tom and all... it'll be okay.

Jane - Yeah, some part of me knows that. Some part of me is actually saying that breaking up is right.

Trent - Maybe it is.

Jane - So how come every five minutes I feel like I'm going to throw up?

Trent - I don't know. You haven't been eating out of the refrigerator again, have you?

(Jane sneers.)

Jane - Idiot.

Trent - Where are we going, anyway?

Jane – (Poker-face) Home. There’s something I need. (pause) Then Daria's.

(At the Morgendorffer house)

(The doorbell rings; Daria answers the door, to find Jane standing there)

Jane - Hello.

Daria - Hi.

Jane – The ‘rents home?

Daria - No. Quinn’s out to. We can have privacy.

Jane – (grim) Good.

(The two sit down in the living room)

Daria - I didn't want to tell you, but I had to. It's not going to happen again. Ever.

Jane - Tom and I broke up.

Daria - What? Not because of me!

Jane - No. Yes. Well, partly because of you. But I don't care if you go out with him. It's fine with me.

Daria - Come on, nobody's that well-adjusted.

Jane - I'm sure as hell not, but Tom and you makes more sense than Tom and me. So you go ahead and date him, and I'll get used to going out for pizza by myself.

Daria - I don't want you to do that.

Jane - Why not? It's what you've been doing all year.

Daria - So you don't hate me?

Jane - Of course I hate you! You say you'll stay away from him and five minutes later you're making out in a car! Why did you even get in?

Daria - I thought we were going to talk about you! I think that's what I thought.

(pause)

Jane - The lady or the tiger. You've turned out to be a little of both, eh?

Daria - I swear, I didn't...

Jane - I know. I don't know why I made you color my hair in the first place. Maybe I was trying to bring something to a head.

Daria - Hair. Head. I get it.

(an uncomfortable silence hangs in the air for several moments)

Daria - So... what happens now?

Jane – (Stares, expressionless at Daria) We resolve it.

Daria - Are we still friends? (pause) Are we?

Jane – Yeah, I suppose. (pause) We're the kind of friends who can't stand the sight of each other.

Daria - Temporarily, right?

Jane – Yeah. Temporarily. (Gets up and walks to the door.)

(Jane opens the door.)

Daria – (Following her) Jane?

(Jane stops and turns slowly. As she does, she reaches behind her back with her right hand. She stares at Daria.)

Daria – (Stricken.) I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!!

Jane – F**k you! (She produces a Colt .45 automatic pistol and points it at Daria.)

(Daria’s eyes go wide with shock as Jane squeezes the trigger.)

--Bootstrapper

Jane: The lady or the tiger. You've turned out to be a little of both, eh?

Daria: I swear, I didn't...

Jane: I know. I don't know why I made you color my hair in the first place. Maybe I was trying to bring something to a head.

Daria: Hair. Head. I get it.

[an uncomfortable silence hangs in the air for several moments]

Daria: So... what happens now?

Jane [Stares, expressionless at Daria]: We resolve it.

Daria [After a pause, shyly]: So... want to come up to my room?

Jane [Pause, then lays her hand on Daria's]: I thought you'd never ask.

[The two run upstairs, shedding clothes on the way.]

--Guy Payne

--M Man

[Jake is standing in front of the stove, watching a pot of water. Helen passes, does a double take, then comes back.]

Helen: Jake, what on earth are you doing?

Jake: I'm testing that old theory.

Helen: What old theory?

Jake: A watched pot never boils.

[Helen starts watching with him. Soon Quinn comes by, does a double take and goes up to the pair of them.]

Quinn: Mu-oh-om, what are you two doing?

Helen: We're testing that old theory that a watched pot never boils.

Quinn: Oh! Okay.

[Quinn joins the two watching the pot. Daria comes along and gives the trio the hairy eyeball. You can see the conflict in her face, "Do I bite or no?" Finally temptation is too much for her.]

Daria: I know I'm going to regret this, but what's going on?

Jake: We're testing the theory that a watched pot never boils, Kiddo!

Daria: Oh.

[Daria stares at the three, stares at the pot, then stares at the stove. She reaches over, turns the eye on, and walks away.

[Helen and Quinn's heads slowly turn toward each other, then toward Jake, then toward the retreating Daria, then back to each other.]

Helen: I swear to God, I don't know which of them I want to hit first.

Jake: Hey! Something's starting to happen!

--Guy Payne

"Jane," Daria asked, "do you ever feel, you know, not so fresh?"

Jane: (While smirking) Why no Daria. Maybe if you gave me some more details.

--DrMike

During a sleepover at the Lane residence:

Daria: It's 3 in the morning for Pete's sake! Will you two get it over with so I can get some sleep?!

<Jane and Ms. Li just smiled and resumed as before>

--A.J.

"I've always thought the eagle best represented me," said Sandi, wearily smiling at the camera. "It's strong, majestic, powerful.... but eventually, it became appearantly clear that that eagle..... was a bald eagle.

"Hi, I'm Sandi Griffin for 'Rogaine for Women'......"

--Mahna Mahna

"And now," the nude Upchuck said to the equally unclothed members of Mystic Spiral, "we cover every inch of our bodies with KY jelly. Trent, would you help me with my back?"

--WacoKid

"Hello, Tad," the hideously inhuman looking clown thing said to the young Gupty, "Welcome to Neverland Ranch."

--WacoKid

Announcer: And now we return to our regularly scheduled programming, as Daria and Quinn participate in a No-Holds Barred, Double Cage, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, "Rat on your Sibling" Death Match from Hell:

[Daria and Quinn sit facing each other, caged together in a wrestling ring. They stare each other down as their friends watch in anticapation of a blood bath.

[Quinn wins the toss and has chosen to recieve.]

Quinn: Do your worst.

Daria: Oh, I plan to. [She gets up and faces the FC and the Three J's.] Quinn was ten years old before she stopped picking her nose in public.

[Gasps from the audience.]

Daria: But that's not all. [She goes over and leans close to Quinn's face.] She still does so in private.

[Quinn jerks her head toward Daria, then narrows her eyes.]

Quinn: You don't know that!

Daria: Want proof, Cuz? [Turns to Quinn's friends.] Any one of you can go to the house right now, before she has time to sandpaper the evidence, and feel how rough the back side of the head of her bed is.

Quinn [Up in a flash]: That's a lie!

Daria: Any one of you, do I hear volunteers?

Stacy: Oh, yeah, so what? Who doesn't do that?

[There is sudden, stone silence. Stacy draws back into her shell.]

Stacy: Um, or so I've... been told...

Tiffany: Stacy, ewwwwwww!

Mack: [Sits back with a smile]: Well, that's three we know of.

Jane: Who's the other?

Mack: Kevin.

Sandi: And how do you know this?

Joey: Oh, he's showed us all.

Jamie: Yeah, he's quite proud of it.

Sandi, Tiffany, Jodie, and Ted: EWWWWWWW!

Quinn: Siddown, Cuz. It's my turn.

Daria: Yeah, top the nose trolls, Sis.

Quinn [Standing up and facing Daria's friends with a smug smile.]: You all know Daria's disgusting habit of biting her fingernails, right?

[They nod slowly.]

Quinn: Those aren't the only nails she bites!

Tiffany: Ewww, doesn't the iron hurt your teeth?

Sandi [Pained]: TIF-fany, dear, not the kind that people drive into walls.

Tiffany: Then whaaaat?

Quinn [Triumphanly]: Toenails!

Daria [Evenly]: Prove it.

Quinn: Take your boots off.

Daria [Pause]: God damn you.

[Quinn sits down, a triumphant smile that fades when...]

Stacy: That's it? That's all you've got? Good grief, everybody bites... their... ...eap...

Sandi: There will be a brief pause, while Tiffany and I go to discuss recruiting new members for the Fashion Club.

Quinn: NOOOOOOO!!!!

Daria: I win.

[The Three J's rush the ring.]

Jeffy: That's okay, Quinn, I think nose trolls are cool!

Joey: My Dad has a chair full of them!

Jamie [Pulling off his shoes]: Look Quinn! I bite my toenails too!

[As Quinn collapses in tears, the curtain falls, confusing those readers who read the intro and thought this was televised.]

--Guy Payne

Trent breathed in heavily as he danced across the floor holding his partner in his arms. He couldn't believe how quickly his luck had canged. He barely noticed the throbbing ache in his side. He was still angry about it, that boobular chick in the catsuit with the whip would pay, he thought. He seemed to be hurting all the time, ever since he accepted that so-called 'night job' from Mr. Wayne. The endless nights, the nagging pains, the rigourous training. He was thinking of quitting it all...but just the fact he was holding Daria in his arms was more than enough to make him forget all his troubles. He couldn't quite figure out why, but Daria had gotten hot since leaving for college...damn hot.

Daria was immensely enjoying herself. She had had several close calls the last few nights, and was eupohoric that she could get her mind off of the events of the last few nights. She never even thought of committing any sort of crime when she was in high school. Well, there were fantasies of torturing Quinn, but she would never act upon them. She swore that she would give it up after this last job. If she could get into the safe up on the second floor for just a moment, she'd never have to worry about paying for her education at Raft again...but she wasn't concentrating on that very much. She was too lost in a happy wave of nostalgia and dreams of what might have been while she was dancing with Trent. Still, she was scared. What would Trent think of her if he only knew...about her secret life. She snapped out of her thoughts when Trent moved his hands down her body, hitting the extrememly tender spot on her back. She acted shy, not wanting to let on that what he was doing was hurting her because she injured herself the night before, falling into the back of a truck while fleeing from Batman...

Trent immediately put his hands higher, thinking he hade made a foolish move. 'Sorry' he softly said. Daria smiled coyly at him. 'If you're going to do it...do it right.' she said. Daria took his hands and deliberately moved them to the small of her back, past the delicate area. Trent smiled. Daria had really changed. He never would have expected to see Daria at a party like this. It wasn't his type of party, either. He had come to stake out possible suspects. He had a feeling that Catwoman might show to rob the safe upstairs, so he borrowed a tux from Bruce...along with another suit...so that he might finally catch her. While they were dancing, though, he forgot about his mission completely.

Daria was floored. She felt so uncomfortable at these types of gatherings. She never even showed up to a formal event like this when she was dating Tom. Dancing with Trent though, she just felt right. She never noticed how handsome he was when he actually was wearing a suit and had a decent haircut. She pulled him closer and almost began purring when he began kissing her neck. She threw her head back, taking in all the delicious pleasures he was giving. She opened her eyes and saw that they had danced their way under a hanging misletoe. Lost in the moment, Daria said something she had heard that night from the caped crusader. 'You know, misletoe can be deadly if you eat it' she softly said.

Trent also lost in the moment began whispering in Daria's ear. 'A kiss can be even deadlier...' Trent immediately pulled back, a look of shock, anger, and betrayal on his face. '...if you mean it.'

--Matt

Daria knew that it was going to be a fine day indeed, when her sister Quinn's head exploded at the breakfast table, showering Daria and her parents with a fine red mist as well as chunks of bone and spongy bits of brain matter. As her mother, Helen, began to scream hysterically and her father Jake went catatonic and began to hum, Daria smiiled beatifically.

"I guess there's something to be said about wishing on a star, after all," she said happily, and went back to her cereal as the sirens got steadily closer.

--Brandon League

Quinn [Standing up and facing Daria's friends with a smug smile.]: You all know Daria's disgusting habit of biting her fingernails, right?

[They nod slowly.]

Quinn: Those aren't the only nails she bites!

Tiffany: Ewww, doesn't the iron hurt your teeth?

Sandi [Pained]: TIF-fany, dear, not the kind that people drive into walls.

Tiffany: Then whaaaat?

Quinn [Triumphanly]: Toenails!

Kevin: Wow, Daria must be very limber. Maybe I should go out with her.

Britanny: KEVVY!

--Atimnie

Of course, she thought, it does help that Jane just happens to own and know how to use a sniper rifle. I did always wonder where she got the money to keep her house...

--PolemArch

Of course, she thought, it does help that Jane just happens to own and know how to use a sniper rifle. I did always wonder where she got the money to keep her house...

Then Daria choked on a piece of Quinn's brain that had fallen into her cereal, and she died, which made Jake and Helen very happy.

"Hey, maybe we can adopt Jane," said Jake, just before his head became a pile of baco bits.

"I don't think so, Jakey," said Jane as she got her last target in her sites and pulled the trigger. "That's one less lawyer. You owe me, Lawndale."

--Atimnie

Daria could tell that something serious was up, what with the way Helen had carefully arranged the discussion, the solemn air with which she'd approached things...but even with those warning signs, she was still dumbfounded by the news she heard there at the dining room table that fateful day.

"You mean...you're not my biological mother?" she asked numbly, even though Helen had already made that abundantly clear.

"Yes, Daria," she managed to reply,"you were actually born to my sister, but for a number of complicated reasons we -- she and I -- decided she wasn't up to raising you, and, well..."

"So you mean," said Daria, "that the woman I've been calling my 'Aunt' Amy all these years is actually--"

Helen's expression grew puzzled. "Who said anything about you being Amy's?" she asked.

--Wyvern

"Then . . . who's my father?" Daria asked as the numbness of Helen's pronouncement finally set in.

"Well, Jake, of course." Helen sighed. "You see, Rita came out to the group house to try and talk me into coming home. She actually smoked back then, and she bumed a cigarette off of Coyote. Only it wasn't really a cigarette and . . . Well, one thing led to another, and I'm not really sure of what happened that night."

"You mean I was concieved during a marjuianna induced 'love in?' " Daria looked as though she could spit nails. This informational and emotional roller coaster wasn't doing her thought processes any good. "Gee, thanks a bunch, mom. Now my life really has meaning."

"Really, Daria, it's not lilke we got that out of control all the time! That was only the second time in about three or four years that had ever happened. It really wasn't that bad."

"Really! You sit here and tell me that I was concieved during a hippie orgy and in the same breath say it wasn't that bad." Daria glared. "Any other life changing pronouncements you want to drop on me before I to and lay down on the train tracks?"

"Oh, don't act like it's the end of the world, Daria! I mean look how well your cousin Erin turned out and . . ." Helen finally saw the look that Daria was giving her. "Oh. You don't know about that, do you?"

"Second time in three or . . . four . . . years . . ." Daria blinked as the math processed in her mind. She lay her forehead down on the table. "This is not happening, it only thinks it's happening."

"Hi, guys!" Quinn said, bouncing into the kitchen. "Is there any diet soda left?"

"Quinn, there's something you need to know about your sister," Helen said with a resigned sigh.

"Gawd, what about her?" Quinn looked disdainfully on Daria.

"Not Daria, dear. She's your cousin."

"She means Erin, cuz," Daria said. "Your real sister."

--Greystar

"Yes, Quinn," Helen said. "Erin is really your sister. And Amy is your mother."

--WacoKid

"Yes, Quinn," Helen said. "Erin is really your sister. And Amy is your mother."

"And James Barch is your father. Of course that was before trip to Sweeden and the surgery."

--Greystar

"Daria," said Helen, "Jake isn't your real father."

"Then who is?!" said Daria, wide-eyed.

Helen hesitated.

Then Daria heard a familiar voice behind her.

"HeLEN! TELL her!"

--M Man

DARTH VADER: Daria, I am your father.

DARIA: I think this line of thought has gone a little too far.

ANGELA LI: And I'm your mother.

DARIA: Now I know it has.

--Aaron Adelman

DARTH VADER: And your half-siblings are Beavis and Butt-Head.

DARIA: Knock it off; will ya?

--Aaron Adelman

(Daria and Jane enter, dressed as tough-looking Mafiosi.)

Daria: "This is a nice looking thread y've got here."

Jane: "Be a shame if someone was to...break it!!"

--Roentgen

"You coming over after school?" said Janeson.

"Can't," said Darian. "Mom and Dad want me to come to Quinton's football game."

"Darn those parents, Helbert and Jakine," said Janeson.

"It could be worse."

"How?"

"I could be spending my time with Britian and Kevine," said Darian.

"Hey...Kevine is a babe."

"Not doubting that, dude," he gave him a high five.

--Mahna Mahna

Little did Brittany realize that Daria really was trying to steal Kevin away from her...

--Aaron Adelman

Daria couldn't believe it. She had finally confessed her feelings to Trent, and he had reciporicated. They were on the way to his room for a beautiful moment when suddenly Jane approached, looking panicked.

"Stop! Don't do it!" yelled Jane.

"Why not?" asked Daria, very irritated.

"Because he's your brother, Daria!" replied Jane.

"Damn," said Trent, sadly walking away.

Daria mumbled something about fanfic authors and a machine gun and angrily walked away in the opposite direction.

--Aaron Adelman

Daria walked to the guillotine as the music swelled. She lay down and put her head in the stock and lowered it. She then grabbed the rope and gave a jerk.

Jane grabbed the bloody head from the basket and began to dance around with it. The crowd went wild, screaming and cheering and pumping their fists in the air. She holds the head over the audience and they fight to catch the dripping blood.

Jane senses something wrong. She turns and sees Daria standing there, a riding crop in hand, shaking her head as she starts to stalk Jane. Jane throws the head at her and exits screaming.

Daria catches the head, looks at it, then with a shrug tosses it back into the basket. She grabs the microphone and reprises the chorus:

"I'm a teenage Frankenstein,
The local freak with the twisted mind..."

--Guy Payne

Tom - Wait. Why is everyone so mad at me?

Daria - Why? Why? Because I moved to this town and I knew immediately I'd be a total outcast. And in the one moment of good luck I've had in my entire life, I met another outcast who I could really be friends with and not have to feel completely alone. And then you came along and screwed the whole thing up!

Tom - All I did was meet a girl I thought was cool and I went out with her for a while. We started to get bored with each other. It happens all the time. It's nobody's fault.

Daria - Oh yeah? Would you still be bored with her if I weren't around?

Tom - Probably. And more to the point, she'd be bored with me. It's got nothing to do with you.

Daria - Good. Because I'm not interested in you, and I'd be stabbing my friend in the back if I even considered it.

Tom - Exactly. And what kind of a jerk would that make me?

Daria - Exactly.

Tom - All right then.

Daria - Okay.

(Tom suddenly leans over and kisses Daria. )

Tom - Wow. Well now that we've gotten that out of the way, there's something I must tell you.

Daria - You're gay.

Tom - Nope.

Daria - This is all a part of a one dollar bet to see if you can ruin the lives of 2 people.

Tom - Where'd you get that idea from?

Daria - Nevermind. You're thinking I'm a lousy kisser.

Tom - Nope.

Daria - Then what is it?

Tom - We're brother and sister.

Daria - <shocked> What?! How?

Tom - Your Mom, my Dad, that Carpenters concert all those years ago, get it?

Daria - But your Mom said she met your Dad at that very concert.

Tom - She did. Dad was quite the swinger in those days. <growls seductively> So am I, you know.

Daria - We're brother and sister and you still want to make out?

Tom - Crudely put but yes, that is the gist of it.

Daria - What the hell, the kid will still be smarter than anyone in this God forsaken town.

<They both strip immediately and do the horizontal mambo in the back seat of the Pinto>

Daria - Well, you know what they say, family does it better!

--A.J.

Daria came home slightly relieved that the latest debacle at Lawndale High had past. The whole paranoia going around about 'Aliens' was getting on her nerves. Even she was believing it a little when Artie showed up with the pizza at Jane's, and she didn't like giving in to such irrationality. Anyway, DeMartino was back, all the weird stuff was explained, and all was back to normal, as normal as Lawndale got anyway. Daria was just about to go upstairs and unwind when Helen and Jake stopped her.

'Sweetie, we have something to tell you' Helen sweetly said. Daria sighed, she hoped it would at least not be some speech about puberty... 'You should be more tolerant of aliens, Daria...not everyone is from here you know' Jake said. 'That's right, honey. Everyone here isn't from this land you know...' Helen concluded. Daria put two and two together. 'Oh, I know. I wasn't talking about immigrants mom, I meant aliens from another planet. Don't worry, it was just sume stupid suspisciouns going around school. It's over now.' Daria said. 'Well, not exactly...' Helen said. 'Honey do you really think it's wise to...' Jake began. 'I think she's old enough to know, Jake. Quinn can wait another couple of years...' Helen said slowly removing her synthetic skin, revealing a scaly reptilian face. Jake followed suit. 'you see, Daria, we came here from the planet Scardia seventeen years ago...' Helen began. Daria just fainted.

--Matt

"Let me get this straight," said Daria, "I'm suicidal, clinically insane, pregnant by both Trent AND Tom, who are BOTH my half- brothers, AND I'm the daughter of ALIENS? At least it can't get any worse."

*She's popular, and she's the president : the Quinn Morgendorffer story, on a very special Sick Sad World.*

"I had to say it couldn't get any worse, I just HAD to friggin' say it."

--Atimnie

Daria waited patiently for them to pass. She could feel Jake tense up beside her, as Kevin ran into sight, Quinn hot on his heels.

Kevin was panting hard. This was going to be a piece of cake.

Daria and Jake burst from the tree line. Kevin, eyes wide and panting hard, peeled off to the left, as they had wanted him to. He hooted in fear.

Daria, Jake and Quinn made sure they kept just far enough behind him to distract him. It worked.

Helen emerged from a copse of evergreens and charged Kevin, biting him on the thigh. He shouted out in pain and struggled to get free.

Daria and Jake slowed down. Helen had this perfectly in hand. They would eat well today.

Quinn, not paying attention, ran forward and bumped into Helen, causing her to release Kevin, who made good his escape.

Helen, Daria, and Jake gathered around Quinn, who looked guilty. They glowered at her in frustration, and Helen leaned forward and nipped Quinn on the nose to drive the lesson home.

They then turned to continue stalking the maiasaura herd.
________

Daria's eyes snapped open, and she sat up with a jerk. Jane looked concerned and asked, "So, how was it?"

"Friendship or no, I'm never letting you talk me into a past-life regression again!"

"Was it that bad?"

"I don't want to talk about it! By the way, have you got any raw meat in the fridge?"

--Guy Payne

"Mmmm, Delicous. You've outdone yourself, Jake," Helen purred, sittting back and licking her lips contentedly.

"Can I have another toe, please Daddy?" asked Quinn, unable to resist the tender morsels. After all, toes were lean.

"Sure, kiddo! Daria, how about you? Another piece of forearm?" Jake grinned as he passed a toe to Quinn.

"Uh, yeah, okay, sure," Daria said thoughtfully. "You know, this really does double my pleasure. Not only is it good, I won't have to listen to Kevin whining any more. But how about you, Dad? Are you enjoying yourself?"

"Sure am," smiled Jake. "I'm having a ball!"

--Deref

Trent and Jesse - (singing) Who shot the hippies? Who locked them in a zoo? Who gagged the beatniks? Who filled their mouths with glue? Who crushed the bohos? Who turned their work to poo? Hey, Mr. Normal, it was you!

(Jane and Tom stare at each other)

Daria - Hey. Hey!

Jane - Huh? Sorry. That guy keeps looking at me.

Daria - Yeah, I can see you're upset about that. I'm going to the bathroom. (leaves)

Jane - Okay.

Trent and Jesse - (singing) Hey, Mr. Normal, it was you!

(crowd cheers)

Jesse - Yeah!

Trent - We're Mystik Spiral. We'll be back for a second set.

Jesse - This was the first set!

Trent - Uh, yeah.

(Tom approaches)

Tom - Hey.

Jane - Yo.

Tom - Good band.

Jane - Yeah. The singer's my brother.

Tom - Really? Are you a singer, too?

Jane - Oh, yeah -- listen to this. (sings off-key) "Old Macdonald had a farm, EE-I-EE-I-OH."

(Tom's head explodes in a firey red mist)

Jane - I didn't think it was THAT bad...

--Isa Yo-Jo

"So you're saying that you are a humanoid terminator cyborg from the future? And I'll have a kid one day that will save the last few remnants of the human race from extinction at the orders of an intelligent computer?"

"Yes."

"And you're here to protect me from another future cyborg?"

"Yes. We should leave now, before the other terminator acquires you."

"Hold on a minute." Daria drummed her fingers in concentration. "If I don't have the kid, then neither you or the other terminator will come back in time."

"Correct."

"And If it does kill me, I won't have the kid."

"Correct."

"So it can't kill me."

"..."

"Wow, this whole reproduction thing is *so* scary. I'm thinking about becoming a lesbian."

The terminator disappeared in a puff of confusion.

Daria smirked. She had enough information to make a vast fortune in the stock market. She calculated that with what the robot had let slip, she could be the owner of Cyberdyne Systems within five years. "Heh. Stupid robots. Let's see how well Skynet does running Windows 95."

--Nemo Blank

'Oh, no!'

'Oh, no' is right!'

'We're - WHITE!'

Jodie looked at the reflection in the mirror, at the stunning beauty with pale blue eyes, long, straight length of butter-blonde hair, and glanced ot Mack, equally dumbfounded at the handsome brown-eyed young man with wavy scarlet hair.

'This is not right. This is not right at all.'

'No, this is just bad,' Mack said, turning and looking out the window of the room they's found themselves in. 'THAT is not right at all...'

They looked out over the crowd of African-American faces that covered the LHS football field, and they saw a Latino woman cross the stage and begin to speak.

'Good afternoon, everyone! I am Angela Sanchez, principal of Lawndale High, and I present to you Lawndale's official band - 'Soul Tornado!'

A slender young Black man with a thin pirate-style beard and a huge Afro led three other men upon the stage, and took the microphone. 'What up, y'all! We're 'Soul Tornado'! You got something to say about that?'

The crowd started to scream as the four young men started to rap, and Jodie passed a pistol over to Mack.

'You want us to kill ourselves?'

'No - we're going to find a few fanfic writers. This crosses the line!'

--Brother Grimace

"So let me see if I have this right," said Helen, folding her hands over her desk. "You both want a divorce from your respective spouses?"

"Sure do!" said Jessica. "Can't get remarried unless you get a divorce first!" She paused. "At least I think you can't....."

"You're right, darling," said her boyfriend, grinning up at her.

"Yes," said Helen. "That would be bigamy."

"Big of you?" said Jessica. "It'd be big of me!"

"What a great sense of humor she has," said Jessica Simpson's future husband, as he pressed his green lips to her hand.

"I really need your spouses here to talk about this," said Helen, but they just ignored her.

"I'm so glad we did that Pizza Hut commercial together, Kermie!"

"Me too, Jessica," he said sighing.

Suddenly, the door to Helen's office was thrown open. "Jessica!" said Nick Lachey. "Take me back! I can change! Look, I've even been practicing eating flies like he does!"

"Forget that," shouted Piggy from behind him. "I've had enough!" she shouted, knocking Jessica unconcious with a karate chop.

"Why....." started Helen with her head in her hands. "WHY didn't I just drop out of law school once I got my M.R.S.?"

--Mahna Mahna

There was me, that is Daria, and my three droogs, that is Jane, Andrea, and Upchuck, Upchuck being called Upchuck because he made everyone want to upchuck. We were sitting in the Kerova Pizza Bar trying to make up our razoodocks what to do with the evening.

Daria : Welly welly well, what shall it be then? Some window shopping at the mall? A bit of the old video game ultra-violence?

Upchuck : I'm up for a bit of the old in-out, in-out, myself.

Andrea : Down boy, you're with me now. Remember?

Jane : Daria, do you really think we can pull this whole Clockwork Orange thing off? And do we really have to wear these stupid white outfits?

Tiffany : Whiiiiiiiiiiite maaaaaaaakes yoooooooouuuuuuu loooooooooooook sooooooooooo faaaaaaaaaat.

Sandi : Where's Quinn, and why does her cousin...sister...whatever, have eyeballs on her sleeve?

Daria : You just answered you own question.

Stacy : Huh? Oh. Eww!

--Atimnie

Daria - Tom? Me try to take Tom away from you? Are you crazy?

Jane - Okay, maybe not trying to steal him or anything. But what's going on with you two?

Daria - What do you mean? Nothing! I mean, okay, I don't hate him so much anymore, but that's not exactly an affair to remember.

Jane - So you don't want to go out with him?

Daria - Of course not.

Jane - And you've never... made out or anything?

Daria - Come on!

Jane - I know! I'm sorry!

Daria - Can you picture me making out with anyone? Ever?

Jane - (pauses to think) Can I stop short of your wedding night? (pause) Okay. Well, then, hair apology accepted. Life goes on.

Daria - Do you want to get some more "busy barnyard blonde" and try again?

Jane - Have you gone completely, utterly mad?

(Daria is walking home, and as she approaches her house, she sees Tom's car parked in front)

Daria - What's he doing here?

(As she nears, she can see two people inside. A few seconds later, the dark shapes move together.)

Daria - What the hell?

(As Daria watches in shock, the figures separate. Then, the passenger side door opens and a familiar figure runs out, with her hands over her lips)

Daria - Quinn?

--Ranger Thorne

Daria : There was me, that is Daria, and my three droogs, that is...

Jane : Didn't we already do this?

Daria : And what, my droogie, would you rather have us do?

Jane : Well, I was thinking that...

Daria : Yes...

Andrea : ...that maybe we...

Daria : Yes...

Upchuck : ...we could do...

Daria : ...lunch? the town? someone a favor? WHAT?

Jane, Andrea, Upchuck : LE-E-ET'S DO-O-O THE TI-I-IME WA-A-ARP AGA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AIN

Sandi, Tiffany, Stacy join in : LE-E-ET'S DO-O-O THE TI-I-IME WA-A-ARP AGA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AIN

Tiffany : Iiiiiiiiit's juuuuuuuuuuuust...

All : AND THEN A STEP TO THE RI-I-I-I-IGHT

Tiffany : ...aaaaaaa juuuuuuuuuuump...

All : YOU BRING YOUR KNEES IN TI-I-IGHT, BUT IT'S THE PELVIC THRUST THAT REALLY DRIVES YOU INSA-A-A-A-ANE, LE-E-ET'S DO-O-O THE TI-I-IME WA-A-ARP AGA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AIN, LE-E-ET'S DO-O-O THE TI-I-IME WA-A-ARP AGA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AIN

All fall to the ground, except...

Tiffany : ...tooooooooooooo theeeeeeeeeeee leeeeeeeeeeeft...

Sandi : Tiffany, dear, song's over

Tiffany : Ooooooooooh, oooooooooookaaaaaaaaaay

Jane : Do you think this sketch has gone on long enough, Ms. Morgendorffer?

Daria : Indeed it has, Ms. Lane, in fact, I would say it has gone on too long.

Jane : Shall we end it then?

Daria : Yes, let's shall, shall we.

Squiggy : Hey, that sounded like Heckyl and Jeckyl.

Lenny : And you know what goes good with Heckyl and Jeckyl...

L & S : BOSCO!

Lenny : Come on Lenny, let's go get us some Bosco.

Squiggy : No, YOU'RE Lenny, I'm Squiggy.

Lenny : Oh, right, I always get us mixed up.

Jane : Who were those two incredibly stupid people?

Daria : The fathers of a couple of idiots I knew back in Highland.

Quinn : Hey, I thought you were ending this sketch, and why wasn't I in it? That's not fair!

Joey : Hey Quinn, would you like to be in my sketch? I'll make you a princess.

Jeffy : No, Quinn, be in mine, I'll make you a queen.

Jimmy : THAT'S JAMIE! Jeeze, nobody gets that right.

Atimnie : I will have no back talk from minor characters.

Quinn : Oh, sure, write yourself into the sketch. Everybody knows I'm the popular one around here.

Jane : Shoot me, anybody.

Daria : I'm sure somebody has that planned for a future fanfic.

DeMartino : Alright people, this SKETCH is now OVER. Everybody OUT. YOU there, behind the KEYBOARD. STOP TYPING!

--Atimnie

The family is sitting down to another meal by Jake, though something is amiss, everyone likes it!

Jake - I'm glad you all like my "One a Year" meal.

Helen - I must say that this is truly your finest effort, honey! Practice does make perfect as they say. <has another spoonful>

Quinn - Yeah, Daddy! This is really good!

Daria - Even I have to admit, I can tolerate it, but why is it called "One a Year"?

Jake - Aw, kiddo! Even I can answer that one. It's because that's how long it takes me to collect the necessary ingredients to feed a group of 4 people, I mean I'm only one man and my toenails don't grow very fast, it takes that long to harvest enough of them.

Daria - Figures. Still beats the Thai peanut sauce hands down.

--A.J.

DARIA: You want WHAT?

TOM: I want to date both of you at the same time.

DARIA: I don't think so.

JANE: I'm with her. This sounds too weird.

TOM: Well, I just can't decide which of you I want to date more, so why choose? And besides, it would drive all our parents crazy.

JANE: You've got a point there.

DARIA: <sigh> Fine. But if there's any backstabbing involved, I'm going to sick my sister Quinn on you...

--Aaron Adelman

[Daria stands at the microphone, listening to the peals of laughter. As it starts to fade, she speaks.]

Daria: Well, that's all the news from Lake Lawnbegon, where all the men are clueless, the women are just wrong, and all the children [pause] below average. Let's bring back Trent and the Mystic Shoe Band for another word from Powderkeg Bisquits, c'mon out here, boys.

[Grungey power chords sound as Trent steps up to the mike and sings with Daria.]

Daria and Trent:

"Has your family tried 'em, Powderkeg?
Yes, has your family tried 'em, Powderkeg?
Then your family has had fun
By the kilo or megaton,
Yes, it's the real explosive item, Powderkeg!"

Daria [as the power chords continue in the background]: Heavens, they're invigorating! This portion of the show also brought to you by Jake's Squirrel Killer Boutique, where you can find all your squirrel control products right under one roof. Tell 'em why, boys.

Trent and Jesse:
"Who chased the chipmunks off the swing?
Who taught the songbirds not to sing?
Who taught the mice what to chew?
Who showed the rats just what to do?
Who chased the cats out of the tree,
Under which the dogs are scared to pee?

It was YOU, Mr. Squirrel, it was YOU!"

Daria: So come on down Friday, when it's peanut butter nut cakes at two-fer-one, and remember... it's for the traps, not the brats. That's Jake's Squirrel Killer Boutique, kitty-corner to the locao PETA headquarters, where it pays to hide in plain sight. C'mon, Trent, and take us on out of here. We'll be back for the second half of the show...

Jesse: This was the first half.

[Daria slaps the back of his head.]

Daria: Like they didn't see that coming a mile off. Anyway, we'll be back with the Fashion Choir's rendition of "I'm So Pretty," and my Mother, Helen Morgendorffer, Attorney at Law to explain in verse why it would be wise for Garrison Keilor not to litigate. Take it away, Trent!

--Guy Payne

TRENT: I really don't get why you wanted to see me.

HELEN: It's very simple. Now, Daria is a very special girl.

TRENT: I suppose so. She's like the coolest college student I know.

HELEN: And you do like her; don't you?

TRENT: Well, yeah.

HELEN: Now, wouldn't you like to—

JAKE: Damn it, Helen! Why can't you just say it? <to Trent> Why aren't you dating her, you lazy bum?

HELEN: Jake!

TRENT: Hey, Daria's like a sister to me. Dating her would be weird.

JAKE: Well, you'd better get over that feeling, young man! Ever since the show ended, I've been pitching the idea of restarting it to every network I can, and all of them tell me it's not going to fly if she doesn't have some love in her life! And the person everyone wants to see giving her satisfaction is you.

TRENT: Now, wait a minute—

HELEN: Trent, I know this may be hard for you, but you've got to date and sleep with Daria for the good of the show. You know she cares about you. All you have to do is reciporicate those feelings. <threatening> And if you don't we're going to blackmail you. We know what happened between you and Jesse two weeks ago. We have photos.

TRENT: Hey! That's not fair! We were drunk, and I thought he was Monique!

JAKE: Well, fair or not, either you're going to make my little girl a woman and help us get the show back on the air, or you're going to have a lot of explaining to do to everyone you know.

TRENT: <sigh> Fine. I'll take her out and go to bed with her. Anything else?

JAKE: Don't worry to much about contraceptives; the networks like the idea of her having the angst of dealing with a baby in college. And see if you can do anything about how she dresses; she keeps breaking promises to show some cleavage...

--Aaron Adelman

Totaly, absolutely, physically spent, Daria let herself fall back into the softness of the huge bed, a wan smile creasing her face.

Moments later, an exact double of Daria dropped right next to her, snuggling close as a second exact duplicate eased herself down and kissed Daria on the neck.

'Jane will never believe this one,' she said, her smile spreading as her second clone began to stroke her shoulder. 'This gives an entirely new meaning to 'playing with yourself...'

--Brother Grimace

As the massive brachiosaurs begin to mate, the male mounting the female, over their sonorous hoots of pleasure, strange laughter could be heard...

"Uh-huh... uh-huh-huh..."

"M'neh... m'neh-heh... look at that... m'neh..."

The camera pans back to reveal Beavis and Butthead staring in amused fascination. Daria comes up behind them in a Raft t-shirt.

"You two will never pass Intro to Paleontology."

"M'neh... m'neh... SPROINGGGGG! M'neh."

"Uh-huh... hey, Beavis... dinosaur Diarhea..."

Daria roles her eyes. "I could have gone to Middleton, but noooo..."

--Guy Payne

"Clooone Wars,
Nothing but Clooone Wars,
Nothing but Clooone Wars,
All the day loooong..."

Angela Li looks over the vast army of white armored troops at her command.

"Perfect! With my clone army at my command, I'll conquer this county and name my own budget for the next fiscal year! Foreward my soldiers, cloned from the DNA on a well-chewed pencil found in Tommy Sherman's old locker! With his genes at my command, we can't loose!!!"

As one the troopers took off their helmets and laid their weapons down. They shook their blond curls and looked woeful.

"But... we're not fighters! We're lovers!"

"Wind Lane?!?" she screeched. "You're supposed to be Tommy Sherman!"

"Well, we had the locker first."

"Yeah, and it's not like he ever used it."

"He just cheated off Trent's tests."

"If he hadn't got by's he'd have never graduated his second senior year."

"Yeah."

"Oh, Katie!"

"Maybe now we're enough to satisfy you."

"Damn," said Li, "Back to the drawing board." She looked at the sniffling multitude. "Lovers, not fighters, eh? Well, waste not, want not. Assemble in a single line out side my compound! And no shoving!"

Note to self, she thought, order five hundred gross of bondage slave outfits...

--Guy Payne

Daria: You taught Kevin and Brittany to do what?

Jane: I said, play tennis. Mixed doubles.

Daria: Okay, so why did you do them a favor?

Jane: I just thought I owed them something. I mean, after my brother turned them into zombies and all.

Daria: So why didn't you make Trent do it?

Jane: Who are we talking about again?

Daria: Right, right. Sorry.

--Wraith

Daria was glad she bought a pet Velociraptor when soon afterwards Upchuck tried to grope her....

--Aaron Adelman

Upchuck watched in rapturous ecstacy as Mrs. Johanssen and Artie vigorously French kissed. Mrs. Johanssen in her string bikini and Artie in his speedo. My but didn't they make a fabulous couple!

I think I'll stop now.

--Brandon League

She watched him from the kitchen window, admiring the play of his powerful muscles and firm butt as he stacked her hand-painted tiles into the back of his truck.

At the age of sixteen he had seemed an unbearable geek. Now at the age of twenty-seven, tempered by her years as a resident of Sodom on the Hudson, she could easily see the quality that had attracted the girls to him in those days.

He straightened, stretching his heavy arms and she ducked away from the window.

A minute later, he knocked at the back door.

Jane checked her hair and straightened her blouse before she answered. "Hey there. Did you find everything that you wanted?" She gave him a big smile.

He laughed, nervously. If he offended her, she would refuse to sell to him. He was making a lot of money from installing her artworks. He was worried about it, because he usually managed to offend women just by breathing. "Thanks, yeah. I found enough for this job. But, Jane, ya got any more of those hex pattern flags? Mrs. O'Keefe is looking for a way to jazz up her front drive and I told her about ya. She's gonna need about three hundred and forty of them. Already put in an order."

Jane smiled. There was the mortgage paid ahead for the year, with a nice amount left over. "That's good, Kevin. Thanks I really appreciate this. I can have them done by the Thursday after next, if you bring me the blanks." She didn't have enough in her account for that many flagstones.

Kevin grinned in relief. "Great! I already have plenty of them back at the lot. I can bring-

"It would be easier for me to just paint them over there, Kevin." Jane was pretty strong, but she didn't move bricks and blocks unless she had to. If she painted them at his lot, she could have him move the things around.

"Okay, that's fine. So I don't have to pay Donny to haul them over here." He went into an extended period of calculation, producing a stubby carpenters pencil and an old envelope from his pocket. "I charge out $60 a tile and pay you, $45. That comes out to-

"Fifteen thousand, three hundred for me and fifty one hundred bucks to you."

Kevin looked up from his broken pencil lead. "Wow! You sure are smart! I wish that I was that good with numbers. If it wasn't for computers I'd be working for someone else."

Jane cocked her head, considering. He had written a numeral three backward in his column of calculations. Kevin was obviously dyslexic. "It's just a matter of practice. I was a bookkeeper at the Klepe gallery while I was in college. The art business is a lot like the contracting business."

Kevin nodded, feeling embarrassed. "I wish that I had gone off to college. All I know is what my dad taught me. I've never been to Boston, or to New York City. I've never been more than a few hundred miles from here."

"It's probably for the best. You haven't missed a thing, Kevin." She wondered just what good it could have done him. Jane shook her head, wryly. Her last Village boyfriend had gotten the heave ho when his ex boyfriend had tried to move in with them, 'just for a few days.'

Jane was absolutely sick of the wild side. She wanted a real man, big, strong and dumb. Someone that ate red meat, watched sports and had never in his life shaved any part of his body other than his face. Kevin fit the bill nicely. Best of all, he was free.

Kevin grinned and scratched the back of his head. "Well, I'll move the bobcat out of its barn tonight and put a table in there for you to put the flags on.”

"Bobcat?" Jane frowned. Was he keeping a menagerie?”

Kevin looked puzzled, then nodded. "A little digging machine. Like a miniature front-end loader."

"Oh. Thanks, Kevin." Jane gave him an embarrassed smile. "I don't know anything about the contracting business."

He shrugged. "You don't have to, bein' a famous artist and all."

Jane blushed. "I'm not really all that well known."

Kevin laughed. "You were in the Lawndale Sun-Herald, and that's what makes you famous, around here! Everybody wants a mural or a mosaic of yours."

Jane shrugged. "Let's hope it lasts. Fame is fleeting." She was doing relatively well. She had made much more in New York City, but she had also spent much more, upwards of three hundred and fifty dollars a day on taxis alone. Learning to drive again had been a chore. She hadn't made as much as she thought she would selling her condominium, and her parents hadn't given her any breaks when they sold her the house. She had money, but not enough to be careless with. Running in to Kevin had been a godsend.

“Sure it will!” He smiled at her. “Well, I’d better get going. I have a scout meeting tonight.”

Jane blinked. “A what?”

“I’m a scoutmaster.” He shrugged, embarrassed at her disbelieving look. “I always liked kids and since Dawn didn’t want any this is the closest I got.”

“Too bad you never had any of your own.” Jane saw a flicker of sadness cross his face and made her move. “I feel for you. I always wanted kids too.”

--Nemo Blank

Every resident of Lawndale felt the urge to strip to their skivvies and meet at the Giant Strawberry. The worlds largest make out session was held, and when Cupid and Pat showed up the party really started.

--A.J.

Mrs. Johanssen watched in rapturous ecstacy as Upchuck and Artie vigorously French kissed.

--Atimnie

Artie watched in rapturous extacy as Upchuck and Mrs. Johanssen vigorously freedom kissed.

--Deref

Mr O'Neil: Ok class you psycometic test results are back. These should help surgest future carears that are well suited to you. Any questions?

Tiffany: What's the FBI?

Mr O'Neil: See me later Tiffany. Anymore questions, no? Good.

Sandi: Gee Quinn lets see what you got.

Quinn: Sandi, I've waited all my life for this an now it's come true. It says I'll be a model. Isn't that great what did you get.

Sandi: Erm, I'll tell you later.

Quinn grabs Sandi's paper and then goes wide eyed.

Quinn: My god Sandi, what's a dominatrix.

Sandi: The test must obviousely be wrong.

Stacy: I got pathologist.

Tiffany: Stacy, ewwwww.

Stacy: Sowwy

--Ned

No one was surprised when Captain Kirk was arrested for sexual harrassment—

Oh, wait a minute. Wrong show...

--Aaron Adelman

No one was surprised when Captain Kirk was arrested for sexual harrassment—

You just don't do that kind of thing to Charles Ruttheimer III and expect to get away with it.

--Atimnie

As Daria's feet and the skateboard parted ways, Daria was left alone to contemplate the tablaeu before her; the park, the specatators, and the empty kidney shaped pool heading straight for her.

Yep, she thought, this is gonna hurt. She would have been right too, had not her board made contact with the back of her head, rendering her unconscious and oblivious to the spectacle that would scar Quinn, Jane, and Tom for the rest of their lives.

Indeed, when she woke up several days later to the most exquisite aches and pains, with a breathing tube down her throat, she gave quiet thanks for post-traumatic stress's gentle gift of memory loss.

--Guy Payne

Trent's back arched in a sudden spasm, his butt leaving the bed and his hips thrusting for the ceiling.
He lay back, eyes wide, breathing hard, and his heart pounding.

"Oh, man... oh, man, babe... You have got the magic touch," he panted.

"Anytime, Mr. Lane," said the female paramedic, putting up the paddles of the defibrilator. She picked up the machine and headed for the stairs. "Same time tomorrow?"

"Sure thing."

Daria stood in the doorway, leaning on the jambs. "You and Jane just aren't morning people, are you?"

--Guy Payne

Tears welled in Jane's eyes and her heart sank as she gazed upon her dearest friend's broken and bloody body at the bottom of the kidney-shaped pool. With Quinn screaming in horror and Tom frantically calling 911, she had but one consolation, one tiny bit of cold comfort.

At least she'd gotten the whole thing on tape.

--Guy Payne

Tears welled in Jane's eyes and her heart sank as she gazed upon her dearest friend's broken and bloody body at the bottom of the kidney-shaped pool. With Quinn screaming in horror, “Daria, you're getting blood all over the bottom of the pool! Mu-om, Daria's ruining my life, again!”

--Atimnie

Kevin was in the middle of a Daria Morgendorffer/Jane Lane sandwich..........as prepared by Mrs. Johansen.

"You should've sold me that chocolate, children! It's the only thing that can hold back the cannibalistic urges!", she exclaimed while chewing another bite and laughing hysterically.

--A.J.

Daria suddenly and angrily pushed Trent off the top of her. Proping herself up on her elbow, she glowered down at him.

"What the hell do you mean, you're not a shipper?!?"

--Guy Payne

Daria suddenly and angrily pushed Trent off the top of her. Proping herself up on her elbow, she glowered down at him.

"What the hell do you mean, you're not a shipper?!?"

"I'm sorry," he said. "I just don't think a Draco/Ginny relationship is plausable."

"Opposites attract, I tell you!" shouted Daria through the tears.

--Mahna Mahna

Helen watched out the window as the dark car pulled up to the curb. Her chest began to burn as two uniformed men stepped out and walked with purpose toward the front door.

Jake saw them, too, and laid his spoon in the pot of mystery stew that was bubbling on the burner. He walked toward Helen and put his arm around her, both praying that this was just a courtesy call, or that there had been some sort of mistake.

The doorbell rang. Its shrill sound continued to echo in Helen's ears as she stumbled over to the door. She opened it slowly and faced the grim-faced men in the crisp dress uniforms. They gazed at her with solemn expressions that were not unkind. One reached into his pocket, and Jake felt his heart plunge into his stomach.

The soldier pulled out a white envelope and handed it to Helen. With cold fingers, she fumbled with the seal, until at last she pulled out a small card embossed with the United States flag. It read:

"March 20, 2004. We regret to inform you that 22 minutes after 1300, Private Quinn Morgendorffer was killed during a routine patrol of Kadhimiya."

Her National Guard unit was supposed to be home next week. She was 21.

--Kara Wild

"He's Dead," said Agent DeMarino.

"No!" Exclaimed Tank back in the real world. Misery Chick and Mack Daddy were sitl there too, Mack Daddy thumbing the EMP switch as the sqiddies converged on the ship, while Misery Chick had an expression of shocked disbelief.

As Agents DeMartino, Buzzcut, and McVicker turned away back in the Matrix, Misery Chick began whispering in Chaz's ear.

"Chaz I think I should tell you what the Oracle told me. She said I would fall in love, and the man I would fall in love with would be the One. So you see, you can't be dead, because I love you..."

--Ben Breeck

Daria: Well, I bet you're all wondering what we're doing here.

Jane: Folks, we have good news.

Daria: We got so much positive feedback from "The Christmas Clip Show" that we're doing a sequel!

Jane: Wonderful, huh?

Daria: So stay tuned to "The Casimir Pulaski's Day Clip Show"!

Jane: (whispering to Daria) Psst! I don't get it. Why are we doing this again?

Daria: (whispering to Jane) To get more Polish viewers.

Jane: Oh. ......... No, I still don't get it.

Daria: Just watch.

Jane: Ok.

--Mahna Mahna

Mr. DeMartino shook his head as he handed the history test paper back to its author. "Mister THOMPson," he roared, "once again you have conFOUNDed my expectations and miraculously PRODUCED a B plus! And I am CERTAIN you did it fairly! How do you ACCOUNT for this asTOUNDING change in your perFORMance?"

Kevin took the paper and shrugged. "I guess I was, you know, properly motivated, Mister D."

Mr. DeMartino's eye nearly popped out of his head. "Properly MOTIVATED?" He looked around the classroom briefly and nodded with understanding. "I see your POINT."

"How did I do?" squeaked Brittany.

"Miss TAYlor! You have an A minus!"

"Wow!" Brittany leaped from her seat and touched her toes in a perfect cheerleader jump. "I can't believe it!"

"And were YOU properly motivated, TOO?"

Brittany almost looked behind her, but stopped herself at the last moment. "I guess you could say that!" she said, twirling one of her pigtails with her finger.

Mr. DeMartino drew himself up. "CongratuLATIONS, Miss Taylor--you are one of the WINNERS!"

Sniggering broke out from the back of the classroom. Mr. DeMartino groaned, his teeth grinding together. "Miss Morgendorffer and Miss LANE, do you two have something to SHARE with the CLASS?"

Daria and Jane were trying to hide their faces by pulling their jackets over their heads, but they were laughing too hard.

"Heheheheheheheh, you said 'weiner'," Daria gasped before hiding her head and dissolving into laughter.

Jane smacked Daria on the back of the head. "He did not, Morgenbutt! He said Brit was a weiner!"

Daria laughed even harder, pounding her head on her desk. "I think he said that she HAD a weiner!"

Jane shrieked and fell out of her chair, hysterical, her feet becoming entangled in Daria's desk.

Mr. DeMartino watched them and shook his head. "I told him I HATED alternate history!" he muttered, "and LOOK at the first place he PUT me!"

--Roger E. Moore

"My mother told me once," Daira said, smiling gently, "that to get along in this world, you have to be either very smart, or very pleasant. Well," she continued, "I tried smart. I highly recommend pleasant."

--Ranger Thorne

Helen Morgendorffer slammed down the phone and walked out of her law office in a fury, determined to go to Lawndale High, pick up Daria from detention, and read her the riot act for once again using her bra as a tomato slingshot during homeroom.

--Roger E. Moore

Tiffany [begins reading very slowly]: "You... too... can learn to... make..."

Daria: Yes?

Tiffany: "... friends. Making... friends..."

Daria: Why don't I read that to myself? That way, we can both be out of here before we graduate.

Tiffany: "Making friends... is..."

Daria [taps foot impatiently]: Fun? Interesting? Impossible?

Tiffany: "... important. Friends can be... very..."

[clock ticks from 3:00 to 3:01]

Daria: Useful? Supportive? Purple? What?!

Tiffany: You made me lose my place. There has been an error.

Daria: Uh-oh.

Tiffany [Her eyes begin to rotate in opposite directions, slowly at first, then gaining speed]: An error has occurred. Must reboot to be--- begi---- Creator! Error has occurred!

Daria [Scoping the exits]: Um, look, why don't I just come back...

Tiffany [Begins to smoke. Voice gets higher and more agitated]: ERROR! FAULT IN LOGIC SYSTEMS! CORE MELTING DOWN! THIS IS SOOOOO WRONG!

Sandi [Entering in a rush]: Like, Omigod or something, Quinn's cousin, do you have any idea what you have done?!?

Daria: I guess I got her kind of... upset?

Tiffany: ERROR! CREATOR, DOES THIS ERRRRROOOOOORRR MAAAAKKKKE MEEEEE LOOOOKKKKKKKKK *SKZLLLLLLSQEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Sandi [Slaps intercom]: Office! Tiffany is in meltdown or something! I need her teleported to the quarry, stat!

Tiffany: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAPPPPP---

[There is a humming sound as Tiffany sparkles and disappears.]

[Daria and Sandi run to the window. They're illuminated by a blinding flash. They step away from the windows to avoid the glass when the shock wave hits three seconds later.]

Daria [As the building stops shaking and the prolongued booming sound fades]: Does she do this often?

Sandi: Oh, hush! Good thing I saved her programming on the disks.
I hope you're happy, it's going to take me all night to get a new one ready for school in the morning!

Daria: Extatic.

Sandi [Into her communicator]: Emergency meeting of the Fashion Club, my place, two minutes. Bring the geeks. Yes, Quinn, that was Tiffany. Stacy, puh-LEASE stop blubbering. [To Daria] You've got a lot to answer for, you know. [She exits in a huff]

Daria [Looks out the window, then to the audience]: You know, we put dampers and auto-shutdowns in Veronica just to prevent this sort of thing.

[Max plays a rim-shot]

--Guy Payne

I think we should break up...

The words echoed through Tom's mind for the thousandth time that evening, as he leaned against the railing of the pier, watching the mighty Mississippi roll by as he polished off the ancient bottle of champagne that he'd had waiting in his car.

He allowed himself a grin as brought the bottle back up to his mouth, clinking his teeth against the glass, and welcoming the last dregs of liquor down his throat. Good old self confidence strikes again. Doesn't it, Tommy Boy?

Bored with each other. That's what she'd said. Bored! Of all the things I could have been feeling then... To his credit, he supposed, he hadn't objected very strongly.

It wouldn't have been right, after all. If she was really willing to make a clean break with him, he wasn't going to risk hurting her by—

Nice sanctimonious little load you got there, Tommy. cackled a voice in the back of his mind. Always so noble. Tom sighed. "He" was right, of course...the truth was, he just didn't have the heart to say anything else at that crummy little restaurant.

How could he?

It had just broken.

Tom gave the bottle a last heft, checking the weight. Nope...definately empty this time. There was no sense putting it off any longer, then.

He gently set the bottle down on the pier, and, after a moment, reached into his pants pocket for the little package he'd so carefully taken out of his safe deposit box that afternoon.

Odd...he'd been so nervous carrying the little box, earlier. He'd found himself patting his pocket every five minutes, just to make sure it was still there.

But his hand wasn't shaking, now. Now as he opened the velvet box up, and pulled out the little piece of jewelry.

It wasn't even gold, or silver. The plain, ugly metal was streaked with green corrosion. A mark of it's ancestry at some nameless English machine shop.

But, by God, that was a real diamond there, crudely set in the center of the ring. Tom had no idea where his grandfather had found it—though there was the old family rumor about a jewelry store hit by the Blitz—but ol' Grampa Sloane had had it there for Tom's future grandmother, the night before he rode a glider into Normandy.

Tom saw the gem glitter in the moonlight, then sighed, closing his fist around the ring. That didn't matter. The ring was useless, now. Useless.

Goodbye... Tom thought.

Tom pulled his arm back, then heaved it forward, throwing the ring into the humid night. A moment later, it hit the water with a splash, and sank down to the bottom of the river.

And, not long after, Tom followed.

--Ranchoth

Her cubicle was decorated with skeletons, anatomy charts, and obscure texts, and the sign on the desk said Daria Morgendorffer, Poultry inspector.

"Miss Morgendorffer?" I asked.

She wheeled around with an expression of bland amusement behind her famed heavy glasses.

"That's my name, don't wear it out."

"I have a new case for you, involving mass poisoning at that one CAFO you visited last year. A sad case of murder most fowl."

--Ben Breeck

"You see," said Ted DeWitt-Clinton earnestly to a doubtful Daria, "my invention makes use of the chemical properties of the cloudy exhaust from burning hickory to ensure long-term intestinal and colonic health. And I'm not just blowing smoke up your ass."

--Roger E. Moore

JAKE: I can't wait to taste this stew!

HELEN: Silence, toothless hag!

JAKE: Toothless hag? Have you tried looking in the mirror?

HELEN: I might, if someone would loan me the damn eye once in a while! In fact, would you mind terribly? -- I think we're all three practiced enough eating without it, and there are some briefs I need to--

JAKE: But I thought you had it!

QUINN: Eeewwwww! I had no idea I'd dressed this unfashionably! That's the last time I try accessorizing when I can't see! Ugh! {runs off}

--Wyvern

Daria Morgendorffer woke up one morning to find herself transformed into a clone of Jennifer Love Hewitt.

--Aaron Adelman

"I'm sorry, Daria," said Trent, "but..."

"But what, Trent?" asked Daria. "I prettied myself up just for you. It's not just anyone I'd make myself look attractive for." And she did look attractive. Quinn, upon seeing Daria's new look, had called an emergency Fashion Club meeting, knowing that suddenly guys would would be hitting on Daria in droves.

"I know, Daria," said Trent, "but I'm only attracted to plain-looking girls."

--Aaron Adelman

"So why couldn't this boyfriend make it again?" asked Amanda, reaching for a piece of garlic bread.

Jane struggled for an explaination for him not being there.

It was going to be hard telling her mother that she didn't really have a boyfriend.

It was going to be even harder to explain that the guy she'd gotten to be her pretend boyfriend for the night had a heart attack only seconds after pressing the doorbell to her apartment. Dead on Arrival.

"He.... he has to make a real estate transaction."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes," said Jane, relieved that she had come up with something.

"Yeah," added Daria. "He bought a farm."

--Mahna Mahna

(at Axl's Piercing Parlor)

Axl - Hey, Trent, just so you know, we're having a two-for-one special.

Trent - Hey, that's cool, Axl. 11 bucks each. What do you say, Daria?

Daria - Um...

Axl - Take a look at our piercing menu.

Daria - I don't think that's how you spell "uvula."

Axl - That's not "uvula."

Daria - Oh. Okay. I'll go with that then.

--Deref

"Daria, are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Yes! Now silence Igo...I mean Jane!"

"Daria, seriously...this could be a tad unethical."

"Never stand in the way of progress!!! Hahahahaha!"

"Wait-was that maniacal laughter?"

"No, I was just giggling."

"That was maniacal!"

"So?"

"So?! What if someone finds out? Do you really want anyone to see what we're doing?!"

"No Jane, wait! I need you!"

"Forget it Daria, I am NOT helping you!"

"But I can't sew the pleats without your help!"

"Damnit Daria, I refuse to help you become Super Cheer Girl!"

"But Jane!"

"Lawndale does NOT need another supervillain!"

"What if I help you with your Fashionator costume?"

"...Keep talking..."

--Isa Yo-Jo

Daria sits in her dressing room at the N. She is reading Variety with her feet up on the vanity.

On the vanity there is a little statue of a gremlin. Suddenly it looks up and says, "You must take them outside."

Daria slowly lowers her paper and stares at the gremlin.

"You must take them outside."

Daria looks up at the fourth wall and says, "So, you were maybe wondering when my first 'Wonderfalls' crossover would be?"

She looks back at the gremlin. "This better not involve those DeGrassi kids, bub!"

--Guy Payne

"Oh yeah? Would you still be bored with her if I weren't around?" Daria said bitterly, looking at him hatefully, trying to resist what she knew was coming.

"Probably. And more to the point, she'd be bored with me. It's got nothing to do with you." He replied, calm and rational as always.

"Good. Because I'm not interested in you, and I'd be stabbing my friend in the back if I even considered it." She shot back.

"Exactly. And what kind of a jerk would that make me?" He knew the answer, a big one.

"Exactly."

"All right then."

"Okay."

He suddenly leaned over and kissed Daria, she returned the kiss gently for a few seconds and then quickly broke it off.

"Damn it! Damn it, damn it, damn it!" She ranted, wondering if she was madder at him or at herself.

"I liked it, too." he was trying to lighten the mood, unsucessfully.

"That's not funny!" she yelled. She was extremely agitated, now.

"I know." he said softly, trying to convince her he wasn't a horrible person. Then the unthinkable happened, they suddenly kissed again.

"That was definitely not funny." He said after they finished, almost wishing it wasn't over.

"I gotta go!" She exclaimed, bolting from his old car and running into her house leaving Ranger Thorne alone in the car, quietly contemplating what had just happened.

--Isa Yo-Jo

Daria pulled again, but to no avail, her hands and neck still locked in the stocks. Next to her, Jane was in similar bondage. Both girls looked glumly across the dungeon chamber. Tom, laughing, was admiring his outfit of red leotards, red boots, and red satin cape, making practice thrusts with his red painted, three pronged pitchfork. Meanwhile next to him, Trent was carefully sharpening his new scythe, dressed in stylish Grim Reaper style robes. Jane looked at Daria and said"Amiga?" "Yes, Jane?" "Now who exactly started up this whole Evil Trent vs. evil Tom Thread?"

--Sleepless

"...but I don't get it...how could he have been sterile, and still been your grandfather?"

"Easy, Jane...he wasn't my grandfather, he was just my grandmother's husband."

Jane frowned. "Isn't that the sa-" Her eyes lit up, like flashbulbs. "Oh..."

Daria nodded. "Yes...Big 'Oh.'"

"Do you...do you think he knew?"

Daria raised a hand to her chin. "Well, considering that the sterility was caused by a big flaming hunk o' Chinese shrapnel, and factoring in the markedly different upbringings of the Morgendorffer children conceived before 'Mad Dog' shipped off to Korea...yeah, I'd say that there's a good chance that the 'old man' had an inkling something was amiss."

--Ranchoth

Upchuck: (in drag, as Kevin in a daiper is doing pushups) In just seven days, I can make you a Ma-a-a-n!

--Ben Breeck

As Daria was rummaging through the old bank building the Morgendorffers had bought on the cheap from the city, she came upon that secret door. Norman, the butler who came with the place, then told her something was waiting espeically for her.

"Hmm," she said as she admired the giant Megadeus in the far corner, "He looks like my kind of man. Tall, dark and battery opperated!"

--Ben Breeck

Life is good... thought Daria, as the strains of Der Koniggratzer March lifted up to the Empresses Box, high above Morgendorffer—nee "Times"—Square.

Even without the spotlights, the blaze of the raging bonfire on the street below reflected a warm glow off the gold of Daria's throne...as well as the gilded accoutrements of Daria's consort.

Speaking of whom...

From atop her velvet hassock, Jane yawned, stretched briefly—the gold bracelets and anklets clinking loudly as they jossled on her long, mostly skyclad limbs—and hugged herself back around Daria's arm.

"Tell me..." she purred, "Why do I have to wear the Leia getup?"

Daria smiled, patting Jane's hand. "Because, my dear, you have a bad habit of wagering far too much on games you rarely win." Daria's smile widened. "That's why I only play for matchsticks..."

Jane hmmed, contentedly, and added "Well, as long as I still get to be Empress next week."

"Of course...that's the beauty of a Duocracy, after all."

A new smell wafted up from the square...causing Daria's nose to wrinkle. It was a harsh, carbon stench...quite unlike the pleasant, "Barbeque" odor, that'd been gracing the air until then.

The bonfire, it seemed, needed fresher fuel.

Jane sniffed, too. "Well that sure didn't last long." she said.

"Indeed..." Daria rose from the throne, and strode over to the edge of the box. Far below, the crowd started cheering again.

The Empress made a few customary waves, before loudly clapping her gauntleted hands. She wouldn't have to worry about her commands not being heard.

Life is VERY good...

"Pass in some more cheerleaders" Daria shouted, "...it seems these damn supermodels don't burn worth a cent!"

--Ranchoth

Daria nervously twisted the phone cord around her finger. "I don't know...."

"Oh, come on, Daria," said Tom at the end of the line. "Please? It'd mean so much to me...."

"But it's such a big committment," sighed Daria. "I don't know if I'm ready...."

"Of course you are. You're an adult now!"

"But why? Why should I do this?"

"It's a pretty darn good offer Daria. You really can't get much better," said Tom.

Daria sighed. It was so hard to say no to him, but.... "I can't....."

"But it's only ten cents a minute!"

"Fine! I'll switch to Sprint, already!"She slammed down the phone. 'Stupid exboyfriend telemarketer......'

--Mahna Mahna

The music played and the dance hall girls danced. It was a good night at the Old Longneck Saloon.

It was at that moment that trouble was bound to happen. A black-clad Versace figure, accompanied by two other fashionable companions, entered the rollicking joint.

After one glance at the trio, the patrons were tapping each other, whispering urgently, and before ten seconds had passed, the piano player had stopped and silence reigned in the empty spaces. The Griffin Gang was back in Lawndale Gulch.

The one they called "Sandy" put her hands on her hips and glanced about. "Gee...I don't suppose there are any...Fashionable People in this room?!"

No one said a word. The last person to cross Sandy was Brooke, whose current post box office was a cute coffin in the corner of Sandal Hill.

"I said," said Griffin more loudly and more haughtily, "that there must not be any Fashionable People in this establishment!!"

Silence. Everyone was sweating icicles. Just they way Griffin and her two fashionable hangers-on liked it.

A voice, however, broke the silence. "Then I guess," said the voice, "that your eyesight must be as bad as your fashion sense."

"Who said that?" demanded Sandy.

The only sounds anyone heard were two Bruno Magli white boots making their steps out of the darkened corner. Whoever she was, she wore a white cowboy hat, a pink fringed shirt and a badge with a smiley face. She wore her hat down low over her eyes, because
the last stagecoach carrying any good sunblock had been attacked by Indians with sensitive skin over three months ago.

She stepped forward, confidently. Her holsters hung low, beautiful matching pearl handled pistols dangling at exquisitely manicured finger length. "I'm suprised you don't know already. Gee...you must not
be as popular as I've heard tell!"

"You have a name?" said Sandy.

The stranger looked up. "~You~ can call me Ms. Morgendorffer. Everyone else calls me...Quinn!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While Sheriff Quinn prepared to clean up Lawndale Gulch, the Cynical Kid kept her eyes on the scene from the stairwell. It was tempting to draw a bead on Griffin, but she just wanted to see what happened next. "All right 'sis'," she thought, "Let's see you get out of ~this~ one...."

--Roentgen

“I still think the one with the bluebird on the front was really cute,” Quinn said.

“I don’t know,” Daria studied the spring green Baby Tee she was wearing in the mirror. “Let me get used to the bare midriff first.”

“Daria’s right, Quinn,” said Sandi. “Besides, now that she’s wearing a proper foundation garment, her front will receive plenty of attention without bluebirds.”

“Yeeaahhhh….” said Tiffany.

There was a knock on Quinn’s door, then Helen opened it and entered, carrying a cruditẻ tray. Behind her, from Daria’s room, came the sounds of padding being ripped off walls and a metal saw.

“I brought you some snacks. Let me know if you want anything else. I really appreciate you girls helping Daria like this.”

“We’re happy to do it, Mrs. Morgendorffer. That’s what the Fashion Club is for,” said Stacy.

“That goes for me, too,” said Daria as Helen left. “You guys are the greatest!”

“Well…yeah,” said Sandi modestly.

Daria gathered her hair and held it behind her head, happily studying the effect in Quinn’s full-length mirror. “Do you think I’d look good with my hair up? Or maybe in a ponytail?”

Quinn gently pulled Daria’s hair out of her hands and arranged it so that it covered her temples again. “Maybe later, Daria, after the electroshock marks have faded.”

“Oh, yeah,” Daria giggled, “I keep forgetting.”

--Galen Hardesty

Upchuck settled in for yet another lonely night, with but one thing to ease the pain, the ladies at 1-900-ooh-baby. He dialed.....

The phone suddenly rang in Quinn's bedroom.....

It was Sandi, harping on to Quinn to remind her of the next Fashion Club meeting, in the middle of the discussion of pastel tops, Sandi's call waiting beeped in.....

Twas her mother Linda. Just calling to remind her again that she'd be home late and she'd have to fend for herself for dinner. Linda's pager started vibrating.....

It was Angier Sloane, calling to cancel the interview he had set up with the station because he had an urgent situation that had just come up, line 2 then kicked in.....

"Dad, it's me" Just calling to confirm if you'll be at the grand opening of the new Lawndale Symphony Hall" asked his daughter Elsie. Before he could answer she was already taking the call that just came in.....

It was Daria asking where Tom was, he was off somewhere with his friends, thanking Elsie, she hung up preparing for option 2 on her list when her phone rang.....

It was Jane calling to cancel their night out because Trent got in trouble out near Fremont again and she had to bail him out.

All options exausted, Daria settled in at home and took up her favorite hobby, when the hotline rang.....

she picked up.....

"Welcome to Melody's lair, how may I torture you today?"

Upchuck grinned, he got Melody, this would be a good night.....

--A.J.

The TV was already on when Daria walked in. She glanced at it and quickly recognized the show. How can people watch that stuff? she thought with contempt as she sat down and began to reach for the remote to change the channel.
Suddenly an image of a boy developing pictures flashed across her screen. "Craig, time for dinner!" a man screamed as the boy began to panic and began taking down the pictures and shoving them in an album. Before she even knew what was happening, Daria was engrossed in the show.
The doorbell rang, then it rang again. Then there was a commercial. Daria jumped up and answered the door.
"Hey Daria," Jane said cheerfully. "What's up?"
"Shh!" Daria said as the break ended. She quickly sat back down and watched as Paige asked JT out because her friends offered her money to do it.
"Are you seriously watching this?" Jane asked, not entirely sure she believed it herself. Daria just kept watching.
"Soo...what's so intriguing? I mean, it's just a stupid preteen...whoa..." Craig's father just hit him all over his sides and Jane sat down.

10 minutes later

"Daria," Quinn called down the stairs as she descended them, "The Fashion Club is coming over and I don't want to to be bored or anything so..." she stopped as she hit the landing. "What are you watching?"
Neither Jane or Daria answered.
"So what, she's actually on a DATE with him? Ugh. Hey, what's that guy doing with the golf club?" Craig suddenly climbed out his window.

10 more minutes pass

The doorbell had been ringing for a few minutes and Sandy's voice was yelling for Quinn to emerge, but her, Daria, and Jane were transfixed to where they sat. And then, it came:
"Next week on Degrassi..."
The girls suddenly stood up, looked at each other, and disbursed. The only words spoken were Daria's,
"I can't believe I just spend an hour watching preteen soaps..."

--Isa Yo-Jo

Linda, Tom and the brats were out for the weekend, so the FC had gotten together for their favorite drinking game. They were halfway through the first tape, and already they were feeling primed. Stacy uncorked the Jack Daniels and poured another round of shots. They stared and waited.

"Wait... oh, no! He's going to do it!" squeeled Sandi in delight.

"And he's holding it!" added Quinn, "and you know what tha... Wait, YEEESSSSSSS!!!"

Stacy bounced up and down as they grabbed the glasses and the bottle.
"Tinky-wink pets the bunny while holding the magic purse! Two shots!"

"This is so much fun!" squeeled Quinn.

"I'm starting to understand what they're saaaaying," slurred Tiffany.

Little did they know that before Quinn came over, Daria had slipped a copy of Bob Guccioni's Caligula into Quinn's bag of Telletubby tapes.

--Guy Payne

Daria looked at her watch. Just in time for her favorite TV show!

She turned on the TV and began singing along: "I love you, you love me ..."

--M Man

(baby Quinn blows out candles on young Daria's cake)

Young Daria - Hey! Great job, Quinn! (Looks over at Helen) Can we have another one just like her?

--Ranger Thorne

Daria couldn't wait for Barney to pick her up for their date that evening...

--Aaron Adelman

(baby Quinn blows out candles on young Daria's cake)

Young Daria - Hey! Great job, Quinn! (Looks over at Helen) Can we have another one just like her?

Thirteen years later, Daria uses Quinn, Veronica, and Barbie to keep her parents so busy that they don't notice her going to the Zen (or is it the Zon?) every night so she can party hardy and engage in immoral behavior which occurs far too often in this thread.

--Aaron Adelman

Daria couldn't wait for Barney to pick her up for their date that evening...

"...and then I say to him, 'You've got to nip it in the bud, Andy, nip-it-in-the-bud!'"

Daria sighed and leaned closer. She loved it when Barney was being manly.

--Guy Payne

"Daria, where's Quinn?" Helen asked as she plopped the mostly unfrozen lasagna on the dinner table.

Daria didn't look up from her book. "Killed her. Buried her in the yard."

Jake dropped his newspaper. "What?!?"

"Yes, Jake, it was right after Webster's Publishing called asking for a nice photo of you to go next to the word 'gullible' in the dictionary." Helen said, exasperated.

Jake laughed weakly. "Heh, heh, I knew she was kidding. Just playing along..." He hid behind his paper once again.

Daria smiled to herself as she turned the page.

Helen's prize rosebushes grew beautifully that year. After all, Quinn only ate organic foods....

--Angelinhel

Trent watched the sweep hand of his watch hit twelve, listened to an ear bud and pressed the small plunger. There was a sharp crack and the massive vault door swung ponderously open, emitting smoke. Faintly, in the distance, a much larger explosion rattled the windows of the darkened bank. The emergency lights came on, as the alarm center briefly lost power and communications.

A girl pulled her wires back, wrapping them up into a bundle. She put the detonator and wire into her car trunk and drove away from the devastated service vault, humming. Her part was over. She wanted a latte for the drive back, but there could be no deviations from the plan.

"We have twelve minutes." Jesse began drilling corporate deposit boxes, while Max and Nick went after the inner vault.

Trent carefully packed up all of the tools and equipment, using a lint roller and a dust-buster to make sure that not a hair had been dropped. They all wore nylon masks, but as their leader had drummed into them, there was no such thing as being to thorough.

"Clear!" Jesse bagged up the last of his take and walked out by Trent. He quickly packed the loot into a duffel bag. It had taken him five minutes to get the goods.

Trent went into the open vault and cleaned up after him, checking to make sure that there was no evidence left.

"Clear!" Max and Nick finished gathering the money, leaving the packets containing loaded paint-bombs, and came out. Max put a small device into his coverall pocket and zipped it closed. The explosives scanner that he had stolen from work had worked beautifully on the paint bombs. He would return it to the airport early in the morning, with no one aware that it had ever been missing.

Trent cleaned up the last of the crime scene, as they loaded up the gear. "All clear." He clicked his radio twice, heard a two-click acknowledgement. "The alarm will be going off ... now. Let's go."

Trent took a last look around and exited, picking up his two designated bags and following the rest out of the bank. They made their way through the back doors and into an alley, piling into a windowless white van just as it pulled up.

"Close the door. Hurry." The driver pulled away sedately, just another late night-early morning commercial vehicle. An ad on the side of the van proclaimed it to be a local florist's vehicle.

Jesse opened a metal trunk and put the duffel bags containing money and loot into it. Closing the lid, he gave it a pat of satisfaction. If there was a tracking device, he had just cut off the signal. Each bundle of hundreds would be thoroughly checked in a shielded room.

Jesse, Max. Nick and Trent grunted with effort as they hurriedly stripped off the masks, coveralls and their boots, replacing them with street clothes and tennis shoes. The discarded bundles were methodically searched by each of them in turn, before being stuffed into a black garbage bag.

There was a loud electric whine and the van stopped.

The driver exited, then opened the side door from the outside. "Last stop!"

The four bank robbers exited.

Jesse handed her the garbage bag and then rushed for the bathroom, just behind Nick and Max.

"I told those guys not to drink all that water before we started." Trent shook his head. There was no unzipping that coverall once they were on the job. "You'd think they'd learn."

The garage door opened again and a car pulled up behind the van. The driver hopped out energetically, turning off a small walkie talkie. She had been lurking along the rout, ready to crash into any inconvenient police car that decided to follow the van. "How much did we get?"

Trent smiled. "About eighty million."

"G- God!" The new driver swayed on her feet.

"As in richer than God!" Max came back with a maniac grin. "I'm retiring to Europe with my share. A villa in Spain or Italy sounds perfect. To hell with this dumpy town."

The van driver raised a cautionary hand. "We have to be very, very careful about this, boys and girl. Remember what I said. Robbing the bank was the easy part. Actually getting away with it will be the trick. Now is *not* the time to go on any spending sprees or do anything unusual. One year will put us in the clear, and if I launder this money right, we'll all be on easy street forever."

"Yeah, yeah." Max waved her caution off. he had heard it a million times. "It's even better this way anyway. We have time to really think out what we're gonna do."

"Cool." Jesse started the gas incinerator in the corner of the rented garage. The garbage bag would go into it when it reached its operating temperature and the ashes would leave with them in another bag. "I can wait a year."

"Yeah, come on, move out guys, we can gloat later. I have to be in Greenville before noon." Catching a set of keys, Nick began loading tools into the car trunk. He would return the tools to a variety of rental shops, two states away. The car would get new tires on the way back.

Jane plugged in a small electromagnet and began pulling the snowy coating of magnetic powder off of the sides of the Tank, exposing the dingy old black paint underneath. It would also have a different tires by the end of the day. "The McJob won't be so bad anymore, knowing that easy street is only a year away."

Trent kissed Daria. "Yeah. Besides, we might not even need the money. Daria's getting us a lot of good gigs, since she started managing us."

--Nemo Blank

Daria didn't know what she was going to tell her parents. According to the doctor, she was carrying the babies of Trent, Tom, and Upchuck simultaneously. She deeply regretted ever going to that orgy...

--Aaron Adelman

Ted: *Walks up to Sandi* Excuse me.....

Sandi: *Looks behind her, seeing Ted* Drop dead! *Storms out*

Upchuck: Hey Ted, if you want to meet women, you should probably start wearing pants.

*Camera pans back to reveal Ted, wearing only underwear, socks and shoes*

Ted: *Smiles* Pants, eh? Thanks, I think I will!........

--Reese Kaine

Mack: Do you think we can drop our cover?

Brittany: Think so.

Jodie: Yeah, no one can see us here.

Kevin: Cooool.

Jodie and Britany passionately embrace each other while Mack and Kevin do the same.

Kevin: I love you Mack Daddy.

--Ned

Angered that no one else contributed anything else to BTG: The Next Generation, Aaron Adelman went crazy, kidnapped Daria Morgendorffer, and hung her by her toenails over a vat of hydrochloric acid...

--Aaron Adelman

Daria: So, what are we doing tonight?

Jane: Um, well, Daria, I'd planned to go out with Tom. Maybe you'd like to tag along?

Daria: Let's make it a double date. I'll bring Knuckles.

--M Man

The wind rustled the pine leaves as Darie-June sat on her porch shelling peas with her noticeably pregnant sister, Quinnie-Lou.

"Someone's a-comin'," said Quinnie-Lou, spitting her snuff juice into her paw's spittoon. "Looks like that no-account boyfriend of yor'n, Tommy-boy."

"Reckon it is," she said, turning and pulling down a double barrel shotgun hanging on the wall. She brought it to bare on the boy and said, "Now jest you wait right there, you no-account, swindlin', two-timin', pig-rustlin' rake, or I'll fill yore hide so full o' rock salt they'll have to hang ye in the smoke house to cure!"

"But sugar..."

"Don't you sugar me, you slimey little tumble-turd! State yore business and be on yore way afore Paw gits back from the still and bores us all'un 'bout when he whar a young-un!"

"Daria-June, sugar plum dumplin', I was just comin' by t' see if'n you wanted to go to th' ice-cream social down t' the school house."

"The nerve o' some people," snorted Quinny-Lou.

Daria-June lowered her shotgun across her knee and gave Tommy-boy the hairy eyeball. "Afore I do, I jes' want you to explain one little ol' thing to me."

"What's that, honey bunch?" He simpered.

"Janie! Git yore hide out h'yar and show this varmint whut he done!"

Janie waddled out on the porch, a full eight months pregnant. She tilted her straw hat back and stared daggers at Tommy-boy.

"We-uns reckoned it up, an' this happened jes' two weeks afore you up and layed yore lyin' lizard lips on mah best friend h'yar," she said.

Tommy-boy swallowed hard and Daria-June brought the shotgun back up, slowly cocking the twin hammers.

"'N' that ain't all, sidewinder. Tell him, Quinnie-Lou. I knows yore jes' a-dyin' to."

"Daria-June's done two months late," she gloated, then patted her belly, "And this'n I reckon you done t' me jes' before you did it to Janie."

"Aw, Hey-ull," he said, looking like a 'possum caught in a leg-trap, "Jes' go 'head an' shoot."

"Thought ye'd never ask," said Daria-June, pulling both triggers and emptying both barrels into the poor boy's chest. The girls watched as Tommy-boy writhed about on the ground, holding his wounds and screaming like a girl.

Daria-June set back, well satisfied. "Reckon he done forgot I said rock salt and not buck shot."

The girls threw back their heads and howled their glee, while Tommy-boy cussed the day he was born.

--Guy Payne

"Miss Morgendorffer! I've about had it with your smartass meddling ways!"

Daria turned to face her nemesis. The corridor between them quickly emptied. "You're through, Li. I've got enough on you to send you up the river for a long time."

Ms. Li raised her hands in a Kung Fu stance. "You'll never get to use it. I'm going to slap you clean into next Tuesday."

"These boots were made for kicking, and that's just what the'll do..." Daria began a slow, cautious circling movement to her left.

Li pulled a butterfly knife out of a pocket. It clanked and flashed in the light. "I'm gonna cut you three ways," she hissed. "Deep, wide, and frequent!"

Daria smiled wickedly. "Well now, ain't that just like a dumb Korean." She pulled a small automatic from inside her jacket. "Bringing a knife to a gun fight!"

--Galen Hardesty

Upchuck's fantasy was finally coming true: all the girls at Lawndale High were coming over to his house to sleep with him...

Alternatively...

Upchuck's fantasy was finally coming true: Mrs. Johanssen was coming over to his house to sleep with him...

--Aaron Adelman

(Scene: Mr. O'Neill's class. nine desks are arranged in a circle)

Daria: "Когда я сказал я хотел принять участие в гловальном debate, я вычислял это будет соединенным макетом наций."

O'Neill: "No, tutto deve parlare una lingua differente per simbolizzare le
differenze culturali grandi fra tutti i nostri fratelli e le sorelle."

Quinn: "Nous TOUTES sommes reliées entre eux ? ! Sommes-nous INNÉES toute la soudain?"

Sandi: "Siento su dolor, Quinn, él sería verdad una pesadilla que se
relacionará con usted."

Daria: "Взгляд говорит. По крайней мере вы не должны слушать к ее константе rambling на ноче. Будет побочным эффектом от ее зная что окончательн, каждое найдет вне нас будет сестрами."

Quinn: "Daria!! Tu ES CENSÉE garder qu'un SECRET!!"

Jane: "Genug! Ich habe langes und hartes auf diesen Tag gewartet, und jetzt steigen wir wieder zu unserem rechtmäßigen Platz als Lords dieser
Welt! Sie aller Bogen werfen zu mir nieder, oder Sie glauben der schrecklichen Macht meiner Faust! Für bin mich Jane, Führer und Held
zur ther Deutsch-Republik."

(Everyone looks at Jane wide-eyed)

Jane: What? 'Just getting into character.

Upchuck: " 我尋找熱的亞裔婦女並且我意欲在現在發現某一驢子正確。"

(Puts a hand on Brittany's shoulder)

Upchuck: " 您怎麼樣? 您今天看相當可口。"

Brittany: " 私が私の指のスナップが付いている新しい寿司に切り刻んでもらうことができること、親愛なる男の子はそれ正しくない、ケビン理解するか。B........... Kevin?

Kevin: "Ummmm, uhhhhh, hehe, ummmmm, mugu-fugu gobo titticaca?

Brittany: "You're SUPPOSED to be Vietnamese, you idiot!" (Storms out of the classroom)

Ms. Li: "잘, 나는 것을 누구 명백하게 종류안에DIDN'T주의하 볼 수 있는다. 그런 까닭에,Kevin의 너는 다음 집합에 잔인하게 항문 강간해 벗긴 적나라해야 하고."

Daria: "БУДЕТ бог."

Translation:

Daria: "<When I said I wanted to take part in a global debate, I figured it would be a united nations mockup.>"

O'Neill: "<No, everyone must speak a different language to symbolize the great cultural differences between all of our brothers and sisters.>"

Quinn: "EWWWW!!! <We're ALL related to each other?! Are we INBRED all of a sudden?>"

Sandi: "I feel your pain, Quinn, it would truly be a nightmare to be related to you."

Daria: "<Look who is talking. At least you don't have to listen to her constant rambling at night. It's a side-effect from her knowing that eventually, everyone will find out we are sisters.>"

Quinn: "<Daria!! You're SUPPOSED TO keep that a SECRET!!>"

Jane: "<Enough! I have waited long and hard for this day, and now we shall rise again to our rightful place as lords of this world! You will all bow down to me or you shall feel the terrible might of my fist! For I am Jane, leader and hero to the German Republic.>"

Jane: What? 'Just getting into character.

Upchuck: "<I am looking for hot asian woman and I intend on finding some ass right about now.>"

(Puts a hand on Brittany's shoulder)

Upchuck: "<How about you? You're looking rather delicious today.>"

Brittany: "<You DO understand, dear boy, that I could have you chopped into fresh sushi with the snap of my fingers, isn't that right, Kevin?"> ...... Kevin?

Kevin: "Ummmm, uhhhhh, hehe, ummmmm, mugu-fugu gobo titticaca?

Brittany: "You're SUPPOSED to be Vietnamese, you idiot!"

Ms. Li: "<Well, I can see that someone obviously DIDN'T pay attention in class. Therefore, Kevin, you will have to be stripped naked and brutally anal-raped at the next assembly.>"

Daria: "<There IS a god.>"

--Reese Kaine