Scenes no Daria fanfic should ever have! II

Amy Barksdale struggled to keep her voice level, but her face began to screw up as she faced Daria across the kitchen table of Amy's apartment. "So, I gave you to my sister to raise as her own," she said. "You are my daughter."

Daria sank back in her chair. If a tornado had lifted the roof from the building and flung her into the sky, she could not be more stunned. "You're my mother?" she said, her voice too high.

Amy nodded and reached for Daria's hands. "You're my daughter," she said, her voice cracking.

Daria grasped the hands of the woman she had long believed was her aunt, feeling tears rise to her eyes. "Then who's my father?" she whispered.

Amy's face dissolved in tears. She opened her mouth.

[story continued on post #302]

--Roger E. Moore

The citizens of Lawndale were all gathered outside LHS, all wearing Mouseketeer outfits...

'Now it's time, to say goodbye, to all our company... M - I - C -

Jane Lane piped up cheerfully. 'See you real soon!'

The chant continued. 'K - E - Y- '

Daria looked mournfully into the air. 'Why? Because we like you.'

'M - O - U - S - E....!'

'Well, that was fun!' Angela Li snapped. 'Now, it's time for the boysenberry-Jello lube-up and Orgy in the pool! Everybody - follow me!'

--Brother Grimace

"Daria", Helen spoke, "I am your father."

"No!" Daria screamed. "That's not true! That's impossible!"

Suddenly everything came to a screaching halt.

"Really," Daria continued, more calmly. "That's physically impossible."

"Oh, shut up and throw yourself down the well already," Helen snapped as she pushed Daria off the ledge.

--WacoKid

"Let's see, I've been killed, killed myself, raped, institutionalized, lost my virginity and made hot monkey love with Trent, tossed Tom to the curb, discovered my Aunt is really my mother, returned to Highland, brought down an evil corporation threatening my way of life, (okay all the students ways of life), hung in my now patented "Something eating at my soul pose" in Jane's room, bonded with my sister, got a makeover from my sister, found out I had a long lost brother and sister, befriended someone I'd never met before this week, made out with my sister, best friend, everyone in Lawndale, kicked Upchuck in the groin, had fun with Kevin and Brittany without them knowing it, wrote a moving story, bonded closer with my parents, discovered my superpowers, and saved the world many, many times just this week alone!"

<turns to authors>

"I think we're definitely in a rut here, folks."

--A.J.

"Jakie, sweetie, there's something I need to confess," said Helen nervously, looking out the window."

"I never liked confessions," said Jake. "Usually it's something I don't want to hear, like when my old man told me he wished that my Mom had been unfaithful, and that I wasn't really his." He glowered at the ceiling. "Well, maybe I didn't want to be yours either, you old goat! Maybe..."

"Jake, I'm serious. You're about to find out anyway, so I may as well come out and say it. Daria... isn't your daughter."

"What?!?"

"Yes, there, I've said it. She isn't your biological daughter. Oh, God, Jakie, I'm soooo sorry!" She wept. "It... it was a momentary lapse, but he was so... handsome and charming. I... I just couldn't resist!"

"You... you betrayed me?" he said, his anger rising, "You betrayed me with another man?!?"

"Wellllll," she said, "it wasn't exactly another man..."

Whatever else she was going to say was drowned out by the sound of enormous wings flapping and the impact of something heavy landing outside.

To Jake's horror, a huge, reddish-brown, scaley head filled their second storey bedroom window, and a huge, green cat's eye zeroed in on Helen.

"Mother?" said Daria, voice dripping with sarcasm, "Is there something you need to tell me?"

--Guy Payne

Jane turned to her brother. “Um Wind? I hate to break it to you, but I don’t think Mommy and Daddy are bringing us home any new brothers or sisters.”

“Hmm,” Trent grumbled. “Bummer.”

Everyone stopped and turned as they heard the front door open. A moment later Vincent and Amanda Lane were standing in the doorway to the kitchen; Amanda was holding something wrapped in a pink blanket.

“Trent! Jane! Wind!” she exclaimed happily.

Vincent squinted for a moment at Daria, “Penny?”

“Mom? Dad? What are you guys doing back so early?” Jane asked, not removing her eyes from what her mother was holding.

“Oh! Well, we couldn’t stand our newest little bundle of joy not having a name. We came back early so we could take her out to the Naming Gazebo and-"

Wind burst into tears.

--Ajzin23

NOW IT'S MILLER TIME!

--Brandon League

Tom - Wait. Why is everyone so mad at me?

Daria - Why? Why? Because I moved to this town and I knew immediately I'd be a total outcast. And in the one moment of good luck I've had in my entire life, I met another outcast who I could really be friends with and not have to feel completely alone. And then you came along and screwed the whole thing up!

Tom - All I did was meet a girl I thought was cool and I went out with her for a while. We started to get bored with each other. It happens all the time. It's nobody's fault.

Daria - Oh yeah? Would you still be bored with her if I weren't around?

Tom - Probably. And more to the point, she'd be bored with me. It's got nothing to do with you.

Daria - Good. Because I'm not interested in you, and I'd be stabbing my friend in the back if I even considered it.

Tom - Exactly. And what kind of a jerk would that make me?

Daria - Exactly.

Tom - All right then.

Daria - Okay.

(Tom suddenly leans over and kisses Daria. She violently shoves him away, and slaps him.)

Daria - You jerk! You a**hole! You treacherous back-stabber. How could you do that?

Tom - Oh, come on, Daria! You know it's all over between me and Jane.

Daria - Then tell her it's over before you try anything with me. (She starts to get out of the car.)

Tom - Daria, wait! What if we make it a threesome?

(Midway out the door of Tom's car, Daria stops. A sly smile cross her lips. She gets back in the car.)

Daria - Do you mean that? You, me, and Jane?

Tom - Sure, why not?

Daria - Okay, Tom, now I'm interested. The sooner the better.

Tom (starting car again) - Next stop --- the Lane residence.

--Steve Cross

Tom - Wait. Why is everyone so mad at me?

Daria - Why? Why? Because I moved to this town and I knew immediately I'd be a total outcast. And in the one moment of good luck I've had in my entire life, I met another outcast who I could really be friends with and not have to feel completely alone. And then you came along and screwed the whole thing up!

Tom - All I did was meet a girl I thought was cool and I went out with her for a while. We started to get bored with each other. It happens all the time. It's nobody's fault.

Daria - Oh yeah? Would you still be bored with her if I weren't around?

Tom - Probably. And more to the point, she'd be bored with me. It's got nothing to do with you.

Daria - Good. Because I'm not interested in you, and I'd be stabbing my friend in the back if I even considered it.

Tom - Wait? You thought I was interested in you?

Daria - But ... Trent said ....

Tom (laughing) - Trent? Come on, Daria. Trent can barely tie his shoes, let along pick up on anything. I mean, what possible reason would I have to be interested in you? Sure, you were entertaining to talk to when Jane was busy with her art, but get real. You're ugly, you're mean and spiteful, and you smell like sour milk. Just because I pick up 'thrill rides' like Jane at sleazy clubs doesn't mean I'm that desperate. I thought you just had some kind of crazy passive-aggressive scheme to drive a wedge between me and Jane so you could have her all to yourself again, but - wow! - this takes the cake.

(Daria breaks down in tears and runs off into the house.)

--WacoKid

Daria - Did you want to talk about Jane?

Tom - Nope.

Daria - Oh. Then... what?

Tom (voice changes and mouth stops moving) I have to go now. My planet needs me.

(The whole cel with Tom on it is moved upwards. A screen shows some handwritten text: "Note: Tom died on the way back to his home planet".)

--WacoKid

Daria: What...what do you mean?

Tom: Um, Daria....this is hard for me to say but...but....I'm in love with Trent. I'm gay, Daria.

Daria: What?!

Tom: Yeah. Um, I can't deny who I am any more. I just haven't told Jane yet.

(Daria looks hard at Tom for a long minute....and gets out of the car.)

Daria (under her breath): Good one, God.

--Brandon League

"Jane," Daria asked, "do you ever feel, you know, not so fresh?"

--WacoKid

Trembling with excitement, Daria picked up Kevin's used jock strap, held it to her face and inhaled deeply.

--WacoKid

The next day, in DeMartino's class, a short man in glasses and fatigues enters the class room, barely holding back the tears.

DeMartino: You'd BETTER have your HALL pass, son!

Radar [reading]: Yesterday, at sixteen hundred hours, the spacecraft bearing Major Tom Sloane was shot down over the Sea of Japan...

--Guy Payne

"Jane," Daria asked, "do you ever feel, you know, not so fresh?"

"No," said Daria, "I don't. But that's because I'm not really a girl. You see, my parents never wanted a boy, so they raised me as a girl. That's also why I'm flat-chested."

There was an awkward pause. Jane was speechless.

"Do you think Trent would still love me if he knew?" asked Daria.

--Aaron Adelman

Trembling with excitement, Daria picked up Kevin's used jock strap, held it to her face and inhaled deeply.

DARIA (in extacy) : Jane was right! It does smell better than Trent's!

--Greystar

"Jane," Daria asked, "do you ever feel, you know, not so fresh?"

"No," Jane replied as she wrapped her arms around Daria's hips, "but I would."

--WacoKid

"Jane," Daria asked, "do you ever feel, you know, not so fresh?"

"No," Jane replied as she wrapped her arms around Daria's hips, "but I would."

Daria was speachless.

After a short pause, Jane continued.

"Do you think you could wear a jock strap for me?"

--WacoKid

"Tom? I...I'm pregnant." Daria paused. "What? What's wrong? SAY something, Tom!"

"All right, then...how about 'It's funny you should say that, because I was emasculated in a propane tank explosion when I was six, and the only reason I'm not considered a total eunich is because of massive reconstructive surgery, and a handful of hormone pills every day before every meal.' There, now that that's out of the way, is there anything else that you might want to tell me about now?"

--Ranchoth

"Sooo...let me get this straight..." Mr. DeMartino said coolly after Ms. Li's latest announcement at the staff meeting, "we will no longer be teaching fractions?"

"Or decimals." Ms. Li replied calmly. "For budgetary reasons."

"Budgetary reasons?" Mr. DeMartino said through clenched teeth, obviously trying to control his anger.

"Mr. DeMartino," Ms. Li quipped, "Do you have any idea how much it costs to buy all those teaching aides? The calculators to convert from fractions to decimals, the extra chalk to write it all out, the hours of teaching wasted on such useless concepts that will never serve our students in the real world."

"DEcimals won't SERVE our STUDENTS?" Mr. DeMartino's eye was really bugging out now.

"Angela," Mr. O'Neill began, "I think what Anthony is trying to say is..."

"How the h*ll are we supposed to even grade papers if we can't use ratios and fractions?!" Ms. Barch chimed in.

"I've come up with an alternative grading scale." Ms. Li continued her explanation, "All students will now be graded on a pass-fail system."

The teachers all looked around, trying to figure out what to say next, but none of them could come up with anything new.

"So," Ms. Li shuffled a pile of papers in front of her, "if there are no more complaints I think you'll all be interested in hearing about my new ideas for the English department..."

"Mr. O'Neill?" Daria said the next Monday, raising her hand.

"Yes, Darya." Mr. O'Neill replied, calling on her with only a cursory glance at his seating chart.

"Mr. O'Neill, I think you spelled 'Frankenstein' wrong."

"Oh no I didn't, that's the new school mandated spelling."

"School mandated?"

"Yes. Ms. Li felt that it would be best if you could all focus more on your learning, less on your spelling so she took the...necessary steps."

Daria looked around.

"Mr. O'Neill?" she began cautiously after noticing a slight trend, "what happened to the vowels 'e' and 'i'?"

Mr. O'Neill began to cry.

--Isa Yo-Jo

"I agree, Daria," added Sandi, "But it hasn't quite got the depth of character or number 23 which was, if I recall, Mr McKenzie's. Tiffany?"

Tiffany looked confused. "Which one was number seventeeeeeeeen?"

Quinn looked at her clipboard and sighed. "Upchuck, Tiffany. Number seventeen was upchuck. Please try to remember."

"Oh yeaaaaaah."

Stacy's heart beat faster. "Please let Ted win, please let Ted win..." she whispered, her eyes shut tight.

And so the annual Lawndale High jockstrap judging continued.

--Deref

"Trent are you sure about this new direction we're taking?"

"Quit winging Jesse, and Max put your wig back on. Ok everybody lets take it from the top."

"Ummmmmmbop"

--Ned

Before the assembled students in the bleachers, Ms. Morris started to speak. "As you all know, Coach Henderson, who would normally be here to help me in this demonstration, is in the hospital having a multiple hemerhoidectomy. We all wish him well, of course. So, a substitute has been chosen from among the faculty to take his place. Anthony DeMartino, come on out."

DeMartino joins Morris before the bleachers.

"Now," continued Morris, "before I begin, have you all brought your consent forms?"

The students hold their consent forms above their heads, save one.

"Mr. Dewit-Clinton, if you do not have your consent form, kindly join the Juniors in the library."

Ted gets up and shuffles out.

"Very well, we will now begin the state mandated sex education class. Anthony, you may begin."

Morris and DeMartino begin disrobing.

"BeFORE we begin, are there ANY questions? Yes, DARia?"

"Are we required to keep our eyes open?"

"YES!"

Morris looked disdainfully at DeMartino, and said, "I know what you mean, kid. I was hoping for Claire Dafoe, myself."

Jane screeched, stood up and threw her books at Morris. "YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF HER YOU SLUT! SHE'S MINE!!!"

--Guy Payne

HELEN: Daria, there's something we need to tell you, and you're not going to like it.

DARIA: Oh?

JAKE: You see, you're adopted.

DARIA: That doesn't sound so bad.

HELEN: And Butt-Head is your brother.

DARIA: <scream>

--Aaron Adelman

Buster: Hi, I'm Buster Bunny!

Babs: And I'm Babs Bunny!

Both: No relation.

Quinn: Well, I'm Quinn Morgendorffer.

Daria: And I'm Daria Morgendorffer.

Quinn: (quickly) No relation.

Daria: Quinn....

Quinn: Ok, she's my...um...cousin?

Daria: I'm her mother's sister's niece.

Buster: In other words, her sister?

Daria: Sadly, yes.

Babs: And a perfectly good running gag goes down the tubes.

Quinn: Which one? Ours or yours?

Buster: Good question.

(Suddenly Upchuck wanders by with a white stripe down his back)

Upchuck: Oh Fifi! Where are youuuuuuu?

--Mahna Mahna

After convincing the Fashion Club that poking their eyes out is "The Next Big Thing," Daria muses that perhaps her mother won't be terribly pleased about this...

--Guy Payne

(Jane walks, dejected along a street. Trent’s car pulls up.)

Trent - Yo.

Jane - Hey.

Trent - What you doing?

Jane - Walking.

Trent - Hair looks fine.

Jane - Thanks.

Trent - Lift?

Jane - Nah.

Trent - Come on. We need to go for more rides.

(Jane pauses, then shrugs.)

Jane – What the hell.

(in the car)

Trent - Hey, you know, about Tom and all... it'll be okay.

Jane - Yeah, some part of me knows that. Some part of me is actually saying that breaking up is right.

Trent - Maybe it is.

Jane - So how come every five minutes I feel like I'm going to throw up?

Trent - I don't know. You haven't been eating out of the refrigerator again, have you?

(Jane sneers.)

Jane - Idiot.

Trent - Where are we going, anyway?

Jane – (Poker-face) Home. There’s something I need. (pause) Then Daria's.

(At the Morgendorffer house)

(The doorbell rings; Daria answers the door, to find Jane standing there)

Jane - Hello.

Daria - Hi.

Jane – The ‘rents home?

Daria - No. Quinn’s out to. We can have privacy.

Jane – (grim) Good.

(The two sit down in the living room)

Daria - I didn't want to tell you, but I had to. It's not going to happen again. Ever.

Jane - Tom and I broke up.

Daria - What? Not because of me!

Jane - No. Yes. Well, partly because of you. But I don't care if you go out with him. It's fine with me.

Daria - Come on, nobody's that well-adjusted.

Jane - I'm sure as hell not, but Tom and you makes more sense than Tom and me. So you go ahead and date him, and I'll get used to going out for pizza by myself.

Daria - I don't want you to do that.

Jane - Why not? It's what you've been doing all year.

Daria - So you don't hate me?

Jane - Of course I hate you! You say you'll stay away from him and five minutes later you're making out in a car! Why did you even get in?

Daria - I thought we were going to talk about you! I think that's what I thought.

(pause)

Jane - The lady or the tiger. You've turned out to be a little of both, eh?

Daria - I swear, I didn't...

Jane - I know. I don't know why I made you color my hair in the first place. Maybe I was trying to bring something to a head.

Daria - Hair. Head. I get it.

(an uncomfortable silence hangs in the air for several moments)

Daria - So... what happens now?

Jane – (Stares, expressionless at Daria) We resolve it.

Daria - Are we still friends? (pause) Are we?

Jane – Yeah, I suppose. (pause) We're the kind of friends who can't stand the sight of each other.

Daria - Temporarily, right?

Jane – Yeah. Temporarily. (Gets up and walks to the door.)

(Jane opens the door.)

Daria – (Following her) Jane?

(Jane stops and turns slowly. As she does, she reaches behind her back with her right hand. She stares at Daria.)

Daria – (Stricken.) I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!!

Jane – F**k you! (She produces a Colt .45 automatic pistol and points it at Daria.)

(Daria’s eyes go wide with shock as Jane squeezes the trigger.)

--Bootstrapper

Jane: The lady or the tiger. You've turned out to be a little of both, eh?

Daria: I swear, I didn't...

Jane: I know. I don't know why I made you color my hair in the first place. Maybe I was trying to bring something to a head.

Daria: Hair. Head. I get it.

[an uncomfortable silence hangs in the air for several moments]

Daria: So... what happens now?

Jane [Stares, expressionless at Daria]: We resolve it.

Daria [After a pause, shyly]: So... want to come up to my room?

Jane [Pause, then lays her hand on Daria's]: I thought you'd never ask.

[The two run upstairs, shedding clothes on the way.]

--Guy Payne

--M Man

[Jake is standing in front of the stove, watching a pot of water. Helen passes, does a double take, then comes back.]

Helen: Jake, what on earth are you doing?

Jake: I'm testing that old theory.

Helen: What old theory?

Jake: A watched pot never boils.

[Helen starts watching with him. Soon Quinn comes by, does a double take and goes up to the pair of them.]

Quinn: Mu-oh-om, what are you two doing?

Helen: We're testing that old theory that a watched pot never boils.

Quinn: Oh! Okay.

[Quinn joins the two watching the pot. Daria comes along and gives the trio the hairy eyeball. You can see the conflict in her face, "Do I bite or no?" Finally temptation is too much for her.]

Daria: I know I'm going to regret this, but what's going on?

Jake: We're testing the theory that a watched pot never boils, Kiddo!

Daria: Oh.

[Daria stares at the three, stares at the pot, then stares at the stove. She reaches over, turns the eye on, and walks away.

[Helen and Quinn's heads slowly turn toward each other, then toward Jake, then toward the retreating Daria, then back to each other.]

Helen: I swear to God, I don't know which of them I want to hit first.

Jake: Hey! Something's starting to happen!

--Guy Payne

"Jane," Daria asked, "do you ever feel, you know, not so fresh?"

Jane: (While smirking) Why no Daria. Maybe if you gave me some more details.

--DrMike

During a sleepover at the Lane residence:

Daria: It's 3 in the morning for Pete's sake! Will you two get it over with so I can get some sleep?!

<Jane and Ms. Li just smiled and resumed as before>

--A.J.

"I've always thought the eagle best represented me," said Sandi, wearily smiling at the camera. "It's strong, majestic, powerful.... but eventually, it became appearantly clear that that eagle..... was a bald eagle.

"Hi, I'm Sandi Griffin for 'Rogaine for Women'......"

--Mahna Mahna

"And now," the nude Upchuck said to the equally unclothed members of Mystic Spiral, "we cover every inch of our bodies with KY jelly. Trent, would you help me with my back?"

--WacoKid

"Hello, Tad," the hideously inhuman looking clown thing said to the young Gupty, "Welcome to Neverland Ranch."

--WacoKid

Announcer: And now we return to our regularly scheduled programming, as Daria and Quinn participate in a No-Holds Barred, Double Cage, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, "Rat on your Sibling" Death Match from Hell:

[Daria and Quinn sit facing each other, caged together in a wrestling ring. They stare each other down as their friends watch in anticapation of a blood bath.

[Quinn wins the toss and has chosen to recieve.]

Quinn: Do your worst.

Daria: Oh, I plan to. [She gets up and faces the FC and the Three J's.] Quinn was ten years old before she stopped picking her nose in public.

[Gasps from the audience.]

Daria: But that's not all. [She goes over and leans close to Quinn's face.] She still does so in private.

[Quinn jerks her head toward Daria, then narrows her eyes.]

Quinn: You don't know that!

Daria: Want proof, Cuz? [Turns to Quinn's friends.] Any one of you can go to the house right now, before she has time to sandpaper the evidence, and feel how rough the back side of the head of her bed is.

Quinn [Up in a flash]: That's a lie!

Daria: Any one of you, do I hear volunteers?

Stacy: Oh, yeah, so what? Who doesn't do that?

[There is sudden, stone silence. Stacy draws back into her shell.]

Stacy: Um, or so I've... been told...

Tiffany: Stacy, ewwwwwww!

Mack: [Sits back with a smile]: Well, that's three we know of.

Jane: Who's the other?

Mack: Kevin.

Sandi: And how do you know this?

Joey: Oh, he's showed us all.

Jamie: Yeah, he's quite proud of it.

Sandi, Tiffany, Jodie, and Ted: EWWWWWWW!

Quinn: Siddown, Cuz. It's my turn.

Daria: Yeah, top the nose trolls, Sis.

Quinn [Standing up and facing Daria's friends with a smug smile.]: You all know Daria's disgusting habit of biting her fingernails, right?

[They nod slowly.]

Quinn: Those aren't the only nails she bites!

Tiffany: Ewww, doesn't the iron hurt your teeth?

Sandi [Pained]: TIF-fany, dear, not the kind that people drive into walls.

Tiffany: Then whaaaat?

Quinn [Triumphanly]: Toenails!

Daria [Evenly]: Prove it.

Quinn: Take your boots off.

Daria [Pause]: God damn you.

[Quinn sits down, a triumphant smile that fades when...]

Stacy: That's it? That's all you've got? Good grief, everybody bites... their... ...eap...

Sandi: There will be a brief pause, while Tiffany and I go to discuss recruiting new members for the Fashion Club.

Quinn: NOOOOOOO!!!!

Daria: I win.

[The Three J's rush the ring.]

Jeffy: That's okay, Quinn, I think nose trolls are cool!

Joey: My Dad has a chair full of them!

Jamie [Pulling off his shoes]: Look Quinn! I bite my toenails too!

[As Quinn collapses in tears, the curtain falls, confusing those readers who read the intro and thought this was televised.]

--Guy Payne

Trent breathed in heavily as he danced across the floor holding his partner in his arms. He couldn't believe how quickly his luck had canged. He barely noticed the throbbing ache in his side. He was still angry about it, that boobular chick in the catsuit with the whip would pay, he thought. He seemed to be hurting all the time, ever since he accepted that so-called 'night job' from Mr. Wayne. The endless nights, the nagging pains, the rigourous training. He was thinking of quitting it all...but just the fact he was holding Daria in his arms was more than enough to make him forget all his troubles. He couldn't quite figure out why, but Daria had gotten hot since leaving for college...damn hot.

Daria was immensely enjoying herself. She had had several close calls the last few nights, and was eupohoric that she could get her mind off of the events of the last few nights. She never even thought of committing any sort of crime when she was in high school. Well, there were fantasies of torturing Quinn, but she would never act upon them. She swore that she would give it up after this last job. If she could get into the safe up on the second floor for just a moment, she'd never have to worry about paying for her education at Raft again...but she wasn't concentrating on that very much. She was too lost in a happy wave of nostalgia and dreams of what might have been while she was dancing with Trent. Still, she was scared. What would Trent think of her if he only knew...about her secret life. She snapped out of her thoughts when Trent moved his hands down her body, hitting the extrememly tender spot on her back. She acted shy, not wanting to let on that what he was doing was hurting her because she injured herself the night before, falling into the back of a truck while fleeing from Batman...

Trent immediately put his hands higher, thinking he hade made a foolish move. 'Sorry' he softly said. Daria smiled coyly at him. 'If you're going to do it...do it right.' she said. Daria took his hands and deliberately moved them to the small of her back, past the delicate area. Trent smiled. Daria had really changed. He never would have expected to see Daria at a party like this. It wasn't his type of party, either. He had come to stake out possible suspects. He had a feeling that Catwoman might show to rob the safe upstairs, so he borrowed a tux from Bruce...along with another suit...so that he might finally catch her. While they were dancing, though, he forgot about his mission completely.

Daria was floored. She felt so uncomfortable at these types of gatherings. She never even showed up to a formal event like this when she was dating Tom. Dancing with Trent though, she just felt right. She never noticed how handsome he was when he actually was wearing a suit and had a decent haircut. She pulled him closer and almost began purring when he began kissing her neck. She threw her head back, taking in all the delicious pleasures he was giving. She opened her eyes and saw that they had danced their way under a hanging misletoe. Lost in the moment, Daria said something she had heard that night from the caped crusader. 'You know, misletoe can be deadly if you eat it' she softly said.

Trent also lost in the moment began whispering in Daria's ear. 'A kiss can be even deadlier...' Trent immediately pulled back, a look of shock, anger, and betrayal on his face. '...if you mean it.'

--Matt

Daria knew that it was going to be a fine day indeed, when her sister Quinn's head exploded at the breakfast table, showering Daria and her parents with a fine red mist as well as chunks of bone and spongy bits of brain matter. As her mother, Helen, began to scream hysterically and her father Jake went catatonic and began to hum, Daria smiiled beatifically.

"I guess there's something to be said about wishing on a star, after all," she said happily, and went back to her cereal as the sirens got steadily closer.

--Brandon League

Quinn [Standing up and facing Daria's friends with a smug smile.]: You all know Daria's disgusting habit of biting her fingernails, right?

[They nod slowly.]

Quinn: Those aren't the only nails she bites!

Tiffany: Ewww, doesn't the iron hurt your teeth?

Sandi [Pained]: TIF-fany, dear, not the kind that people drive into walls.

Tiffany: Then whaaaat?

Quinn [Triumphanly]: Toenails!

Kevin: Wow, Daria must be very limber. Maybe I should go out with her.

Britanny: KEVVY!

--Atimnie

Of course, she thought, it does help that Jane just happens to own and know how to use a sniper rifle. I did always wonder where she got the money to keep her house...

--PolemArch

Of course, she thought, it does help that Jane just happens to own and know how to use a sniper rifle. I did always wonder where she got the money to keep her house...

Then Daria choked on a piece of Quinn's brain that had fallen into her cereal, and she died, which made Jake and Helen very happy.

"Hey, maybe we can adopt Jane," said Jake, just before his head became a pile of baco bits.

"I don't think so, Jakey," said Jane as she got her last target in her sites and pulled the trigger. "That's one less lawyer. You owe me, Lawndale."

--Atimnie

Daria could tell that something serious was up, what with the way Helen had carefully arranged the discussion, the solemn air with which she'd approached things...but even with those warning signs, she was still dumbfounded by the news she heard there at the dining room table that fateful day.

"You mean...you're not my biological mother?" she asked numbly, even though Helen had already made that abundantly clear.

"Yes, Daria," she managed to reply,"you were actually born to my sister, but for a number of complicated reasons we -- she and I -- decided she wasn't up to raising you, and, well..."

"So you mean," said Daria, "that the woman I've been calling my 'Aunt' Amy all these years is actually--"

Helen's expression grew puzzled. "Who said anything about you being Amy's?" she asked.

--Wyvern

"Then . . . who's my father?" Daria asked as the numbness of Helen's pronouncement finally set in.

"Well, Jake, of course." Helen sighed. "You see, Rita came out to the group house to try and talk me into coming home. She actually smoked back then, and she bumed a cigarette off of Coyote. Only it wasn't really a cigarette and . . . Well, one thing led to another, and I'm not really sure of what happened that night."

"You mean I was concieved during a marjuianna induced 'love in?' " Daria looked as though she could spit nails. This informational and emotional roller coaster wasn't doing her thought processes any good. "Gee, thanks a bunch, mom. Now my life really has meaning."

"Really, Daria, it's not lilke we got that out of control all the time! That was only the second time in about three or four years that had ever happened. It really wasn't that bad."

"Really! You sit here and tell me that I was concieved during a hippie orgy and in the same breath say it wasn't that bad." Daria glared. "Any other life changing pronouncements you want to drop on me before I to and lay down on the train tracks?"

"Oh, don't act like it's the end of the world, Daria! I mean look how well your cousin Erin turned out and . . ." Helen finally saw the look that Daria was giving her. "Oh. You don't know about that, do you?"

"Second time in three or . . . four . . . years . . ." Daria blinked as the math processed in her mind. She lay her forehead down on the table. "This is not happening, it only thinks it's happening."

"Hi, guys!" Quinn said, bouncing into the kitchen. "Is there any diet soda left?"

"Quinn, there's something you need to know about your sister," Helen said with a resigned sigh.

"Gawd, what about her?" Quinn looked disdainfully on Daria.

"Not Daria, dear. She's your cousin."

"She means Erin, cuz," Daria said. "Your real sister."

--Greystar

"Yes, Quinn," Helen said. "Erin is really your sister. And Amy is your mother."

--WacoKid

"Yes, Quinn," Helen said. "Erin is really your sister. And Amy is your mother."

"And James Barch is your father. Of course that was before trip to Sweeden and the surgery."

--Greystar

"Daria," said Helen, "Jake isn't your real father."

"Then who is?!" said Daria, wide-eyed.

Helen hesitated.

Then Daria heard a familiar voice behind her.

"HeLEN! TELL her!"

--M Man

DARTH VADER: Daria, I am your father.

DARIA: I think this line of thought has gone a little too far.

ANGELA LI: And I'm your mother.

DARIA: Now I know it has.

--Aaron Adelman

DARTH VADER: And your half-siblings are Beavis and Butt-Head.

DARIA: Knock it off; will ya?