Scenes no Daria fanfic should ever have! III

Daria and Jane are standing next to Jane's locker. Upchuck comes cheerfully walking past. "Hi-ding-dang-diddly-ho, my lovely studentistas!" he calls out.

"Uh-oh," says Daria to herself in an undertone.

Jane opens her locker, and immediately bumps her head against the locker door. "D'oh!" she groans.

"Double uh-oh," Daria mutters.

--Steve Cross

Jane: They say this cat Mack is a bad mother-

Daria: Shut your mouth.

Jane: I'm talkin' 'bout Mack.

Daria: I can dig it.

--WacoKid

Daria is at her locker, trading her English book for her History book. Just as she closes the locker, she hears her sister call her.

"Hey, Daria!"

"Hi, sis," she replies. "Hey, Sandi... love that blouse!"

"Thanks, Daria," Sandi says, with a smile and a faint blush. "So, are you going to come to Cashman's with us this afternoon?"

"Oh, I can't" Daria replies with a sigh. "I've got this extra credit report due to Mr. O'Neill tomorrow..."

"Hey, so do we!" Quinn giggled. "I've got a great idea!"

"What?" Daria and Sandi chimed in unison.

"Let's go to Cashman's this afternoon, and we can all study together afterwards!"

"Quinn-" began Sandi.

"You are sooo smart!" finished Daria.

--Parker-Man

Daria smugly turned the computer off.

"You owe me." She said grinning at Jane.

"You can't be serious." Jane replied, still looking at the now black screen. "they really did it?"

"Yep. Come on, $50."

"I still can't believe they needed another bad fanfic thread."

"Well, you know how those internet denizens are...Now pay up."

--Isa Yo-Jo

The Fashion Club's "Scrunchies of the World Unite" meeting was suddenly interrupted by the hideous shrieks and screams coming from Daria's room.

Ignoring the possible reputational damage that might come from close association with Quinn's cousin or whatever, they ran as quick as their little fashionable shoes could carry them.

They opened the door to a scene of horror.

They saw Daria in front of her computer, her face scrunched up in horror, dampened by the tears streaming from her eyes, and tearing her hair in despair. Over in the corner knelt Jane, trying to perform sepuku with a plastic case knife.

"Dah-AH-ria, what's the matter?" said Quinn.

"They've done it again! The fiends have done it again! The third iteration of Scenes no Daria fanfic should ever have! We're DOOOOOMMMEED!!!"

"Thaaaat's sooo wrooooong," whimpered Tiffany.

"Sweet Jesus protect us," whined Stacy.

"Omigod, I've just wet myself," whispered Sandi.

Then they all began to run around the room screaming.

Downstairs, Helen looked at the ceiling in horror. "My God, Jake! What could be happening up there?!?"

Jake swirled his cocktail happily and turned up the volume on the playoffs. "Aw, it's probably nothing, Sweetie. They probably just saw a spider or something."

Jake did not notice Guy cackling evilly, cracking his knuckles over the keyboard, and plotting out the further adventures of "Big Jake: Squirrel Wrangler West of the Pecos."

--Guy Payne

"No," said Daria, as she pulled off the mask of her father's killer. "It can't be! Trent!?!"

But unfortunately, it was, or so it seemed. The infamous vigalante known as "Stuntman" was none other than the front man for a bad grunge band known as Mystik Spiral, and he was bleeding to death from that sai wound to his shoulder...

--Ben Breeck

"No," said Daria, as she pulled off the mask of her father's killer. "It can't be! Tiffany!?!"

"And I woooould have gotten away with it tooooo. If it weren't...If it weren't...If it weren't....." Tiffany scrunched her her face in her now legendary "Pomeranian doing an algebra problem" expression, and thought hard. "What was the next line, again," she called over her shoulder.

And to her complete shock and amazement, Daria heard the voice of Tiffany's fellow fashionista Sandi Griffin call back, mild annoyance in her voice. "Tiffany, dear, the line is 'If it weren't for you meddling kids!"

Tiffany looked hard at Daria and blinked. Finally she replied, "Kids? But Sandi, there's only one of herrrr."

Wordlessly, Daria put her head in her hands and began to weep. Not so much for her now deceased father as for the fact she knew that she would be there until it rained frogs waiting for Tiffany to puzzle things out.

--Brandon League

"I don't know how to explain it," Daria said to Jane. "Whenever I hear his voice, I collapse in waves of uncontrollable pleasure."

"I've heard of this before," Jane said, looking thoughtful, "Just not involving Weird Al Yankovik."

--WacoKid

Sandi: Hand me my makeup kit.

Quinn: Which one is yours?

Sandi: The one that says "Bad Mother******" on it.

--WacoKid

Sandi: Hand me my makeup kit.

Quinn: Which one is yours?

Sandi: The one that says "Bad Mother******" on it.

Daria: Well, that cat Sandi is a bad mutha...

Jodie and Jane: Shut your mout!

Daria: But I'm talking about Sandi!

Jodie and Jane: Well we can dig it.

Daria: She's a complicated chick, and no one understand her, but her woman...

Quinn: Down, Sandi!

Talent Coordinator at the Zon [After sitting stunned for a moment after the music fades out]: ...next...

--Guy Payne

Mr. DeMartino steps up to the stage with a microphone. He gestures offstage, and the music starts.
He begins to sing...

"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens,
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens,
Brown paper packages tied up with string,
These are a few of my favorite things..."

We hear a thud as the Talent Coordinator's head hits the table...

--Parker-Man

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, DAY.

Jane is literally dragging Daria in through the front door. Daria has been given a makeover, looks drop-dead gorgeous, and is showing off a lot of skin.

DARIA
This is crazy, Jane! There's no way this is going to work!

JANE
Sure, it will!

DARIA
Jane, just because I look like this doesn't mean Trent will suddenly decide he likes me and—

Trent rushes into the room, grabs Daria, and gives her a passionate kiss she will never forget. Within 15 seconds, they collapse on the floor and out of our sight.

JANE
(dodging tossed clothing)
Hey! You two could at least let me close the door before pulling off each other's clothes!

--Aaron Adelman

Daria sat down at the terminal and plugged her headset into the base. As she did, Jane stood up from the cubicle opposite hers and gave her a thumbs up.

"Welcome to the jungle," she said with a smirk.

"It'll pay for pizza over the summer," Daria replied.

"Then it's off to Boston for the both of us." They shared a grin, then they went to work.

"Angst ‘R'Us," Daria said as she took her first call.

" Yes," the voice on the line said, " I would like to order some angst, please."

"Of course, sir. Have you ordered with us before?"

"Yes, I have."

Daria tapped a few keys on her screen, "Could I have you name, sir?"

"Roger E. Moore."

Daria's face went white. "Uh," she swallowed, "could you repeat that, sir?"

"Roger E. Moore. M-O-O-R-E."

Daria stood and tapped the cubicle wall between her and Jane. When she got her friend's attention, she waved frantically for her to come over.

"Was that an ‘E' or a ‘D' sir?" she asked to stall.

"What's the problem?" Jane whispered in Daria's uncovered ear. When Daria pointed to the name she had typed into the screen, Jane muttered an obscenity.

"That's a ‘D' as in," A sigh came across the phone line, then the man said, "I mean an ‘E' as in ‘Edward.'"

Daria sat down, but was shaking. "Uh, would you like your usual order, sir?"

"Actually, I think I'd like to double it."

As she entered the number, Daria heard Jane hit the ground in a faint. "Okay," she managed to get out. "Um, will you be paying for this with the usual account?"

"Yes, please."

"Very good, sir." Daria wiped away some of the perspiration on her forehead. "We've got an order for four extra-super-sized packages of angst-deluxe. How would you liked this shipped?"

"I'd like that delivered overnight, please. I've got a lot of work to do."

Her lips trembling, Daria entered the information. "Very good, sir. That shipment is on its way. Thank you for shopping with Angst ‘R' Us."

"Thank you. Goodbye."

Daria removed her headset and glasses. Then, she put her face in her hands and began to cry. "He's going to kill me again, I just know it," she muttered.

--Ranger Thorne

(View is from above a group of armed men as they walk under some trees.)
Voice Over (Trent): When they finally got around to coming after me, they came in force. It looked like about two dozen guys. Heavily armed and looking for me.

(Change to see Trent in the branches of a tree. He grins.)
VO: They didn't send enough.

(Trent raises his fists, and two sets of foot-long adamantium claws extend from them.)
VO: My name is Trent Lane, and I'm the best there is at what I do.

(He leaps down out of shot. Seconds later, the sounds of screaming men and gunshots are heard)
VO: But what I do isn't pretty.

--Ranger Thorne

Big Jakes band of squirrel boys had just left the Llano Estacado with a herd of ten thousand of the gol-danged orneriest Texas long-tail squirrels ever to set foot on the Tuffluck/Morgendorffer trail. They crossed a hill just south of the Colorado border and pulled up short.

"Dang, Big Jake," said Slow Draw Trent, "Didn't they used to be a forest around here or something?"

"Goldang if that ol' cayuse ain't right, boss man," said Tommy the Kid. "Right over there, big stand o' spruce and other connifers, just as far as the eye could see."

Big Jake spat a stream of tobacco juice, then pulled out a hankie and wiped it off his shirt. "Reckon so," he said laconicaly.

"Reckon that big feller over there might tell us what happened?" said Tommy the Kid.

They looked over at the giant standing amongst the tree stumps with a red flannel shirt and a voyageur hat, leaning on a huge, two-headed ax, and standing by an enormous blue ox.

"Howdy, Big Jake," he rumbled, "been awhile."

"Howdy y'se'f, Paul."

"How's Helen and the girls?"

"They gittin' along well."

"I see you ain't got the hang o' chawin' terbaccy, yet."

Big Jake ignored the remark and gritted his teeth. He could rant about this latter.

"Didn't know you'd be takin' this route again. Seems like you'd a taken a more easterly route, something with water for yore fliptails."

"Big Jake don't flinch at hardships, Bunyan! Uh, say, out of curiosity, which trail you talkin' about?"

"Oh, never mind, you wouldn't like it. No challenges. Recollect you was around these parts this time last year."

"I didn't see you," said Big Jake, peering up at the giant. "Why didn't you say something?"

"Too busy cutting down the woods. You musta seen me."

"Only thing I saw last year was a hellacious storm."

"Well! That was me!"

"Naw sir! There was a porential rain a-fallin'!"

"That warn't nothin' but my sweat a-flyin' off as I swung my ax!"

"What about that big wooshing wind?"

"That was just my ax a-flyin' through the air!"

"And that there lightnin'?"

"That was just the sparks from Babe's hooves as she drove the timber to th' sluice head!"

"And that loud, rumbling thunder?"

"That was due to gas produced by cookie's garlic beans with onion."

They stood there for a moment, untill Slow-Draw drawled out, "Maybe that was where that stank came from that suffocated them two thousand head of fliptails?"

Big Jake and the crew gave Bunyan the hairy eyeball.

"Look!" said Bunyan pointing, "It's Pecos Bill!" He and Babe then hightailed it for the horizon while Jake and the crew looked.

Eventually they figured it out.

--Guy Payne

As the doorbell rang, Jake called up the stairs.

"Girls! Your dates are here!"

Jake opened the door to find Tom, Trent and Ted standing outside.

"Come on in, guys. The girls will be down in just a second."

"Thanks, Mr. Morgendorffer," Tom said, entering the house.

Tom was wearing an authentic Nazi SS officers uniform, complete with working sidearm.

"Hey, Mr. M," Trent said, following Tom inside.

Trent was wearing neon red Speedos and a rubber gorilla mask. On his bare chest, written in bright purple lipstick were the words SEX MACHINE.

"Good evening, Mr. Morgandorffer," Ted said as he also came inside.

Ted was wearing a yellow Lawndale cheerleaders skirt and swimfins. His chest was bare to show off his new nipple rings, and his hair was styled in a classic Moe Howard bowl cut.

Jake smiled happily.

"Boy, you fellas sure do look swell tonight. I can't wait to get some pictures of you with the girls. Helen! Bring the camera!"

It was at that moment that the first of the girls appeared at the top of the stairs.

Jake could only beam.

"Quinn, you look lovely!"

"Thank you, daddy," she blushed, starting down the stairs.

Quinn was dressed in a potato sack and a diaper, her hair cut into an inverted mohawk.

As she reached the bottom of the steps, she embraced Trent and French kissed him through his mask.

Jake looked on with tearful pride as Helen took several pictures with the camera.

"Oh, Jane's ready!"

"Hi, everyone," Jane said happily as she started down the steps.

Jane was completely nude, her completely hairless body covered in green and blue paint, the pattern similar to that of tropical frogs.

As Jane reached the bottom of the steps, she kneeled down in front of Tom and kissed his boots before letting him attach a leather dog collar and leash to her neck.

Helen continued to snap pictures as Jake looked up the stairs to see Daria.

"Oh, wow."

Daria was wearing football pads and a jersey, clown shoes and crotchless leather g-string panties.

Daria ran down the stairs, grabbed Ted by his nipple rings and began to grind against his leg.

"Take me! Right here, right now!"

Ted could never say no to Daria.

Helen continued to take pictures.

Jake felt a tear roll down his cheek.

"This is the best Christmas ever!"

Helen could only nod in agreement, as the ball gag she wore kept her from speaking.

--WacoKid

The punch had enough power to crack open planets, but Daria was able to sort of roll with it and get away with a nasty bruise to the chin and a trip across the sky. However, the follow-up axe-handle hurt a LOT and send her flying towards Terra Firma. Mountains formed by millions of years of geologic activity were smashed into rubble as her body carved a new valley across what was once a small mountain range. After the shock waves of the impact had subsided, there was a brief moment of eerie silence, almost like the eye of the tornado. Then, the rubble at the end of Valley Daria begin to shift. Slowly, a dusty and bedraggled figure emerged from the rocks, slowly revealing herself as the dust began to settle. She swayed for a few moments, then collapsed to her knees in apparent exhaustion.

From the sky, drifting down with an almost inhuman grace, was Sandi. Her clothes were a bit too sweaty to be considered fashionable and there was an irreparable tear on her right sleeve, but otherwise she looked none the worse for wear. She wore a smirk on her face stuffed so full of smugness one had an immediate urge to knock it off her face. However, very few people would even try, as she was radiating what felt like pure power. The Ki surrounding her was purple in color, tinting her and the nearby ground. Even if one could not sense Ki, one could feel the waves of energy emanating from her, as well as a shimmer in the air that might have been from heat. Those who could sense Ki generally sensed it several miles away and promptly fled in the opposite direction.

“Well...” The voice was relaxed, casual, confident in victory, and more than a little smug. “This is the extent of the mighty Daria Morgendorffer's powers. I would have expected you to have tried just a LITTLE bit harder. After all, your little brat of a sister had more spunk. Besides, I'm going to kill you for stealing the Dragonballs from under me and preempting my wish. Such affronts must not go unpunished, don't you agree?”

For a moment, there was no sound except the low hum that accompanied someone channeling a large amount of Ki. Then, Sandi Griffin heard the last thing she expected to hear. Daria began to chuckle.

“Well, I see that you haven't been spending the past year studying,” Daria said in a voice equally smug. “When will you learn that no one shows all their power in the beginning. Now, I'll show you exactly what I have learned.”

There was less than a second of warning, when the air began to shimmer around her, and those who could sense Ki felt a slight prickling sensation. Then, Daria gave a Ki-ai that split the heavens as the ground exploded around her. Waves of pure energy, unlocked from some deep reservoir within her poured forth for her to command. As was inevitable, a tiny fraction of a fraction leaked out. That alone was enough to shake and crack the already abused ground, spreading a network of fissures that would go on for several miles. Finally, she looked up and stared at Sandi with death in her eyes. As she began to get up, Sandi noticed that two of Daria's fingers on her right hand were together, and glowing with an unnatural light.

She noticed too late. Just as she began to jump back, Daria pointed those fingers at her and with a cry of “Makkankosappo” a spiraling beam of pure death flew towards her head. It was at point blank range with almost no room to dodge, but Sandi manged to throw herself to her left. That saved her life, but at a significant cost. Her right arm, already suffering from a tom sleeve, was ripped off entirely as the drilling blast tore through the shoulder. She felt no pain.

“Dammit! He taught her THAT move?” Sandi thought “What else did he teach her?” A list of potential moves ran though her mind, none of which was particularly encouraging to her. “I've got to get away!!” Pointing her good arm downwards, she screamed “Big Bang Attack” and fired the shot point blank into the ground.

The resulting explosion knocked both parties back significantly. Daria, now glowing blue to Sandi's purple, manged to get re-oriented within moments. Glancing around, she saw that Sandi had taken to the air and was hovering above her. There was death in Sandi's eyes, and much to Daria's distress, there was a tiny dot hovering above her index finger. “What are you crazy?” she shouted “You know, not getting your way is bad, but there's not reason to destroy the ENTIRE FREAKING PLANET in a temper tantrum!!”

Sandi responded with one word. “Die.” At that, she raised her finger and the tiny dot began to grow. It swelled with a red destructive force, the color of a dying sun, until it was bloated to the size of a house. As Sandi pointed towards the ground, the ball of energy began to descend in a journey that could only end in destruction.

Daria didn't waste time, there was only one thing to do anyway. Positioning herself in the path, she cupped her hands together. “Ka . . . Me . . .” As her concentration increased, Ki bean to pour from her body into the space between her hands. A small dot of energy appeared and began to grow. “Ha . . . Me . . .” There was an empty feeing inside her as every scrap of energy she had was poured into the sphere. It had grown to a size that completely filled the space between her hands. The light that was streaming out of it was turning the the area around her a brilliant blue, a point of light in the midst of the dull red that the ball of energy was staining everything else. Preparing herself for the strain of the technique, Daria thrust her hands at the death ball and shouted as loud as she could. A bolt of the most brilliant blue light the universe had ever seen shot forth.

Running along Snake Way, Quinn suddenly frowned. Concentrating more of her Ki into her legs, she increased her speed to ludicrous amounts as she shot above the yellow clouds. “Dammit Daria,” she thought “don't you dare die on me until I get back.:

--Yogi

Tiffany read her book report on the dictionary.

<Insert actual book report here>

....and it turns out that the Zebra did it. But those stripes? Ewwwww.....

--A.J.

Daria Morgendorffer and Tom Sloane starring in "Gigli 2: The sequel"

Tom: I love your butt,

Daria: And I love you.....

<repeat ad nauseum for 90 minutes interspersed with gratuitous shots of Daria's rear.>

--A.J.

Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane starring in "Kangaroo Jack 2: Jack's Revenge"

Daria: Wow if something makes money the hollywood machine will milk it dry, wouldn't you say so Lane?

Jane: Don't knock it, at least we're working again after the show was cancelled.

Daria: True, but why do we have to wear these kangaroo suits again?

Jane: No idea, but me likey.

Jack: You can say that again, mate. <winks seductively>

Daria: Mr. Moore? If you're out there now, hurry up and kill me again please? I'll take anything, frozen, shot, stabbed, slowly dying from Malaysian toe fungus, alien abduction, just get me out of here!

Jane (offscreen): Oh, Jack!

Daria:Hurry!

--A.J.

"Oh, hey! You must be the new girl! Hey, Sandi!"

"Hi, I'm Sandi. You look like you'd fit right in our club. I'll even make you vice-president!"

"Buuuut," said the new girl.

"Oh, please, you'll love it," said the third girl, "It's not every day someone shows up around here with 'vice-president' written all over her forehead."

"I was doodling in the car and my pen got away from me?"

"Ha! Good one!" she replied.

"So, like, what's your name?" asked Sandi.

"Daria. Daria Morgendorffer. Look, I'm really not a joiner..."

"Pooh! None of us are joiners. Jane, tell her what our motto is."

"'How can I ever join a club that wants me as a member?'"

"Andrea thought it up."

"Eh, not really. Sorta like something Groucho Marx once said."

"Ah, jeez, check it out," said Jane. "Fashion Clubs got new meat."

"That's my sister, Quinn," grumbled Daria. "Figures she'd hook up with a popular crowd."

"They're our mortal enemies," said Andrea.

"Yeah," said Sandi, "We live to torment them."

"Where do I sign up?" said Daria, watching Brooke swearing in Quinn.

Later that week, on the dark of the moon, Daria was given blood initiation into the first level mysteries of the Outcast Club.

Lawndale High was never the same.

--Guy Payne

Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane starring in "Kangaroo Jack 2: Jack's Revenge"

Daria: Mr. Moore? If you're out there now, hurry up and kill me again please? I'll take anything, frozen, shot, stabbed, slowly dying from Malaysian toe fungus, alien abduction, just get me out of here!

Jane (offscreen): Oh, Jack!

Daria:Hurry!

Suddenly, Daria sat bolt upright in bed. It had all been a dream!

"Thank God!" she sighed in relief.

"Did you say something?" said Scooby-Doo, in bed next to her.

--Roger E. Moore

Suddenly, Daria sat bolt upright in bed. It had all been a dream!

"Thank God!" she sighed in relief.

"Did you say something?" said Scooby-Doo, in bed next to her.

"She was just dreaming, Scoobs," Simba purred as he rolled over at Daria's feet.

"Don't worry about it, Daria," Velma yawned as she scratched her bare chest and rolled over. "C'mon back to sleep."

Daria's head whipped around to each speaker in turn as her mind rapidly sipraled around itself in an effort to figure out how the hell she had wound up in this pracarious position. She dropped back onto her pillow with a 'whump,' taking the easy way out as her mind continued to whirl.

"PIKA!!" Something yowled behind her an instant before the room was filled with lightening.

--Greystar

Daria stared at the dead deer, then looked at the rifle in her hand. Her mouth opened, then closed.

"Go on, Kiddo! You killed it, now it's time to gut it!" Grinning, Jake pulled out his hunting knife and offered it to her.

Daria put down the rifle and took the knife, hesitantly. "I-"

"What is it, kiddo?" Jake looked at her with concern.

"I- I want to thank you for making me come on this hunting trip, Dad. I would have never known the sublime feeling of taking a life without your help." Reverently, Daria cut in to the deer.

"Don't sweat it, kiddo. All Morgendorffers are like that. It's in the blood." Jake grinned. "Just don't tell your mother! Not that she's likely to have time to ask, being a partner and all."

Daria paused, then looked at him with sudden awareness. "So, did they ever find Eric?"

Jake's grin grew. "Nope!"

--Nemo Blank

After a few moments Daria managed to pull herself together. She'd gone to the restroom and splashed some water on her face and had calmed down enough to start working again. She'd just settled into her chair when Jane's stunned voice caught her attention.

"You want WHAT? A triple order of flashback angst?"

Daria quickly poked her head into Jane's cubical, and this time Jane pointed to the screen. Deref. Daria held her breath, this was it, Jane's own personal angst machine. That rotten aussy had nearly killed Jane via overdose and THEN put her in a relationship with Quinn of all people.

She took a closer look at the screen and went immediately red with rage. It seems Deref had picked up a partner in crime. It was none other than that psycho who'd started an adult website based on Daria. God they were in trouble now. She sat nervously rocking back and forth waiting for Jane to finish so they could run for the bunker together.

After several long moments Jane began finalizing the order. "That shipment will be on its way shortly. Thank you for shopping with Angst ‘R' Us."

Jane whispered something in the mouthpiece that Daria couldn't quite make out, and then clicked a button and removed her headset.

"That was his largest order EVER." She said still kind of shocked at it all.

Daria knew this was the end. "Dammit Jane don't just stand there, we gotta get into the angst fallout shelter NOW!"

"Relax Daria, we're safe, well reasonably so."

"What do you mean we're safe, you said that was his largest order ever?"

"Yeah it was, but see the thing is, it was flashback angst, worst case scenario, you and I stop existing... and hell I could use a paid vacation to the void. It might even give me some inspirations for my next painting."

"Yeah, and if we're REALLY lucky Roger will use up his new order while we're gone. Oh, what was that last thing you said to him, you know, when you were whispering?" At this last question Jane turned as red as her ever present shirt.

"Iwasthankinghimformumblemumblemumble"

"What was that?"

"Iwasthankinghimforthatlastbigscenewithquinn. OK?"

--Thea Zara

Daria sat at the top of the stairs and held her leg high in the air, grooming it with her tongue. She even began making a continuous contented noise as she worked on the fur. She was just begining to nibble at her footpads when it happened.

Quinn came jogging out of her room, her little collar bell jingling merrily, as she made her way singlemindedly toward the kitchen.

Daria would have none of that. She rolled over on her stomach, laid her ears down flat and hissed.

Quinn had not expected Daria to be there, so she jumped with an indignant noise. She landed and immediately crouched low, backing her own ears and growling.

Daria crept until she was completely blocking the stairs and hissed another challenge.

"Girls?" said Helen from the living room.

Quinn's growl went to a discordant whine and she approached Daria sideways, her back in the air and her hair standing on end. She let Daria take a good look at her teeth.

That's when Daria clopped her in the face, and the battle was joined.

The two rolled down the stairs howling, hissing and spitting, biting and swatting each other, a furry ball of brown, red and white.

"Dammit, girls! Stop that this instant. Jake! You'd better be doing something about this!"

The pair reached the bottom of the steps and the red tabby that had been Quinn raced off to the kitchen. The brown pointed Siamese that had been Daria sat down at the foot of the stairs and began grooming again.

"Jacob!" Helen was glowering at him.

"I'm working on it Honey! It's got to be here somewhere in my old Hogwarts Military Academy note books! Let's see, AH! Here it is!
Counter-spells! You should see me now, old man! You'd see old Jakey isn't the incompetent twit you always..."

"JACOB MORGENDORFFER!!! THE COUNTER SPELL, NOW!!!"

"Oh, uh, sure honey! What was I thinking!"

Jake threw some incense into a censor and crushed some herbs in a mortar while chanting arcane aphorisms taught him long ago by the Wizard's Apprentice Second Class Elenbogen. He waved the censor over the herbs and poured a potion into it, and with a final mystical syllable and a dramatic flailing of the arms, the spell went off with a flash that knocked him on his backside.

He sat up and looked over at Helen. The massive Maine Coon cat standing where she had been standing glowered at him, and the last spark of sentience in her eyes told him he was going to pay dearly for this.

"Heh, heh-heh, uhhhh, back to the old drawing board?" he half whined.

Helen then did what cats do best. She ignored him.

Then he felt something small crawl onto his leg. Veronica looked up at him with big green eyes and started to make biscuits on his leg.

"mBeeeeeee!" she said through tiny, white, pointy teeth.

Jake stared in horror at the wee calico and said, "Oh, God, do I even want to know who you are?"

--Guy Payne

"This is definitely the last time I try to light a fart while wearing polyester underwear," said Daria from her hospital bed.

"Yeah," sighed Jane. "Thank God I caught it on tape this time."

--Roger E. Moore

Daria and Jane were sitting at a table in the Zen.

"So what's this 'new sound' Trent's been talking about?" asked Daria.

"It's a big secret," said Jane. "They've been practicing at Max's so I wouldn't hear them."

Just then Trent came onto the stage carrying an accordian.

"OK, Lawndale, I'm Trentislaus Lanekowski, this is Polish Spyral, so let's polka, people!

--M Man

Daria knew it was going to be a bad week when she realized she was being stalked by the Blue Man Group.

--Ranger Thorne

As Daria and Jane approached Casa Lane, they could see that Trent was sitting on the front step. “Hey, Trent,” Jane called, “Did you forget your key?”

Trent laugh/coughed. “Not this time. Uh, Daria, I have a couple of things to tell you.”

Daria looked up at him and blushed. There was no logical explanation for it, but Jane’s older brother made her feel all gooshy inside. “Yes, Trent?” she managed to get out.

“You remember that lottery ticket we went in together on at the store last week? It was a winner. Here’s your half.” He pulled a huge wad of bills out of the pocket of his torn jeans and handed it to her.

“Wow! What luck!” said Daria, taking the money and beginning to stuff it in her jacket pockets. “This is wonderful! What’s the other thing?”

“Daria, I can’t deny it anymore. I love you. I realize now that the difference in our ages is meaningless. Will you marry me?”

Daria’s head spun. She felt her knees buckle. Then she felt Trent’s strong arms around her. “Daria, my love! Speak to me!” he cried.

Daria smiled muzzily up at him. “Oh, Trent! You don’t know how I’ve yearned to hear you say that! I long for you to rip off my clothes and take me right here on the sidewalk! But… I can’t.”

Trent looked stricken. “Daria! Don’t say that! I can’t face life without you!”

“No, I mean… I can’t give you an answer right now. I have to think. That’s just the way I am! Look, I have to go home anyway. Mom and Dad have something they want to tell me. I’ll… I’ll get back to you.”

“Well, okay, but hurry, Daria. Every minute I’m without you…” Trent was interrupted by a fit of coughing and gagging from Jane. She spit out a big green fly that had somehow gotten into her mouth and continued to gag and spit. Daria took the opportunity to head homeward.

Walking along on autopilot, Daria wasn’t sure whether her feet we still touching the ground or not. Visions of Trent’s face replaced the suburban Lawndale landscape. Happening to stick her hands in her pockets, she felt the sheafs of money. This has got to be the luckiest day of my life! she thought.

Suddenly a figure stepped from behind a bush onto the sidewalk ahead of her. Dragging her thoughts away from Trent, Daria recognized Sandi Griffin. “Hi, Sandi! Isn’t is a wonderful day?”

“Not yet, but it will be,” replied Sandi in a peculiar tone. Daria noticed that Sandi had her hands behind her back.

“What do you mean, Sandi?”

“I’ve been waiting for you, Daria. Ever since you came to Lawndale High, my life has been getting steadily worse. At first, I didn’t realize you were the cause of it, but I eventually figured it out. The teachers started expecting the students to actually study and stuff, and get good grades. The students started to question why the Fashion Club should run things, and are even starting to question out popularity. And lately, Quinn and Stacy are starting to act like brains. And it’s all your fault! Well, I’m going to fix that. If a brain is the problem, I’ve got the solution right here!”

Sandi brought her hands into view. In her right hand was a shiny aluminum baseball bat. She gripped its handle with her left hand and advanced on Daria. “Say goodbye, you unfashionable geek!” she snarled as she raised the bat high over her head.

“Goodbye, Trent, my love!” Daria cried.

There was a blinding flash and a deafening crack. “So this is what it feels like to have your skull bashed in by a baseball bat,” she thought. Then she realized that she hadn’t actually felt anything except a strong tingling.

Daria rubbed at her eyes, and her vision began to clear. There on the sidewalk before her was a puddle of molten aluminum and the charred, smoking, nearly unrecognizable corpse of Sandi Griffin. Wow, what luck! She must have been struck by lightning, thought Daria as she stepped around the smoldering remains. Ears ringing and colored streaks floating in front of her eyes, she continued homeward.

Before she reached 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, however, Daria was startled by the honking of a car horn. Blinking, she determined that she was still on the sidewalk and not on the street. She squinted and shaded her eyes.

“Daria! Get in the car!” came her mother’s voice from her left. Turning toward the sound, she saw her mother’s red SUV stopped in the street. Feeling sheepish, she walked over and got inside.

“Where are we going?” she asked when she’d fastened her seat belt.

“To the airport, to pick up your brother,” her father said from the front passenger seat.

“Excuse me?” was all Daria could say.

“We just got a letter from your older brother, whom we thought was stillborn,” said her mother. It turns out he was stolen and sold to a filthy rich childless couple. He just found out we’re his real parents, and he’s… he…” helen seemed to lose her voice.

“He’s flying in to meet us! And he’s a billionaire!” Jake finished for her.

“That’s great! Wow, what luck!” Daria exclaimed. “Is that what you wanted to tell me?”

Silence like concrete suddenly filled the car. After several long, uncomfortable seconds, Daria said, “Mom? Dad?”

Another silence, then Jake burst out, “Damn you, old man! This is your fault, somehow!’’ and then burst into tears.

“Huh? What’s his fault? What?” Daria asked anxiously.

“Daria…” Helen said in a strained voice, “Your doctor called.”

“Did he find out what’s causing my headaches?”

“Yes, dear, he did. You have a… a brain tumor.”

Another, even longer, silence ensued. Finally, Daria said, in a small, frightened voice, “And…?”

“And you’ve only got six months to live! Aauggh!!” Jake howled.

After what seemed like an eternity, a voice interrupted the music on the radio. “Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt this program to bring you a special announcement by the President of the United States.” Then came another voice, that of the President. “My fellow Americans, it is with a heavy heart that I bring you this news. The astronomers and astrophysicists of the world have concluded that our sun is on the brink of going nova. This will occur in three or four months. All life on earth will be destroyed, and there is nothing that can be done to stop it. Panic is useless. It was decided that we should tell you this so that you may put your affairs in order and use what time remains wisely and well. I'm gonna boogie till I go blind! Goodbye, and God bless us, every one.”

After a few seconds, somber instrumental music began playing on the radio. The Morgendorffers sat in stunned silence. Finally Daria said, “What luck. I don’t have to worry about that brain tumor.”

--Galen Hardesty

Tiffany Blum-Deckler's worst nightmare came true the day her girdle burst during lunch and EVERYONE at Lawndale High found out she really was fat.

--Aaron Adelman

…After a few seconds, somber instrumental music began playing on the radio. The Morgendorffers sat in stunned silence. Finally Daria said, “What luck. I don’t have to worry about that brain tumor.”

Just then Tiffany Blum-Deckler walked up to the window.

"Daria," she said, "the most amazing thing happened! I bumped my head and it all came back to me! I'm really super-intelligent and I've worked out a way that we can divert that meteor."

"It's not a meteor. He said the sun's going nova," replied Daria.

"Whatever," chirped Quinn. "Tiffany's really smart, Daria - she can fix that too. And she just tought me all about brain surgery so I can fix that tumor for you. Just lie down for a minute."

Daria lay down as Quinn took an ice pick from her back pocket.

"Oh, yeah," said Tiffany. "If forgot. I've also worked out how nobody need ever look fat again!"

"Wow. That's really great, Tiffany," said Stacy Rowe who just happened to be walking by at that very moment. "And guess what? It works! I'm having Mister O'Neill's baby next week and you'd never know, would you?"

"Gee! No!" said Daria as Quinn removed the ice pick from the corner of her eye. "You look great, Stacy! And thanks, Quinn. I really do feel better now. Could I borrow some of your clothes when we get home?"

"Daddy?" Quinn said, "Would you like me to get rid of all those terrible memories? It'll only take a second."

"Sure kiddo!" Jake replied. "Should I lie down?"

The car started to shake. Everyone looked out the window to see Sandi Griffin, her body crackling with electricity, lift the SUV into the air with one hand.

"The lightning didn't kill me!" she said. "It gave me super powers. Now everyone's going to be sorry!"

"Not so fast, Griffin!" Jane shouted.

--Deref

"Not so fast, Griffin!" Jane shouted. Or really, it was Super Lightning Art Chick (Think: That one alter ego), Jane's superhero identity as she struck a super pose. "I knew I'd find you out eventually, Fashionator! But this time I'll be the victor."

"Grrr...Art Chick!" Sandi said through clenched teeth, "You may know my identity, but you're still no match for me!"

Sandi dropped the SUV and lept up in the air to the top of a nearby building as Jane followed. The two titans met in the air and locked together in mortal combat as they went into a death spiral towards the ground. The spectators on the ground were awe-struck by the mighty display of force taking place above the streets of Lawndale.

As the two combatants flew faster and faster towards the ground, Jane punched Sandi in the stomach, causing her to double over and she momentarily forgot how to fly. As Jane disentangled herself from Sandi's grip, the last thing anyone heard before Sandi went flying to the ground was Sandi screaming, "That purple makes you look faaaaaaat..."

By the time Jane landed on the ground, the rest of Lawndale was assembled viewing her in all her spandex encrusted glory.

"I'm glad you're here!" Tiffany said walking up to Jane, "You're instrumental in my plans to save the world from going nova."

"And then we can totally redo that costume so it'll match!" Stacy chimed in.

"Right!" threw in Quinn.

Daria and Trent, who had appeared for no particular reason, were to busy making out in the Tank to notice much of anything.

Suddenly, a scream shattered the peaceful calm.
"Noo! Leave him alone!" It was Daria screaming.

As the mob turned to look at the scene, they saw Trent being carried over the streets by a mysterious girl wearing an all black costume who was very much a size 6.

Jane ran up to Daria's side.

"Quick Daria, to the phone booth of costume changes! It's going to take the two of us to defeat...The Harpie!"

--Isa Yo-Jo

"Not so fast, Griffin!" Jane shouted.

Jane pulled an eraser from her pocket and advanced on Sandi. "Never thought I'd have to use this," she muttered.

Sandi pulled back and flung the SUV at Jane's head. Jane merely raised her hand, made a motion with the eraser--and the SUV vanished.

"Uh-oh," said Sandi. "The Magnificient Eraser of Bad Fanf--"

Jane made a swift top-to-bottom motion, and Sandi Griffin vanished. She turned and faced the rest of the Lawndalians. "Next?" she asked.

After a moment, Tiffany cleared her throat. "I'd better go home and make sure I'm not fat," she said, and quickly left.

"Sale at Cashman's!" yelled Quinn, and she and Stacy fled. In moments, everyone else had an in-character excuse to leave the scene, and each used it.

Satisfied, Jane walked over to her partner in crime. "How about you, amiga?" she asked, fingering the eraser just in case.

Daria looked down at all the bills in her pockets. "I'll pay for pizza," she said.

"Done," said Jane, and they set off for Pizza King.

They walked for a few minutes before Daria dared ask one burning question. "Roger gave you that, didn't he?" she said.

"Yeah," said Jane, pocketing the eraser. "Isn't he the greatest?"

--Roger E. Moore

She huddled in the far corner, forcing herself to take slow deep breaths, straining to hear any sound, any clue that would tell her where in the house he was. He'd been looking for at least a half hour. The only way she'd avoided him THIS long was by sheer dumb luck. Her fight or flight reaction had decided that flight was the better option in this case, and she'd found herself in the ONE place he'd assume she'd never go... Quinn's closet.

She looked around for a weapon, anything, but she knew she honestly had no defense against what he could do to her; none at all. Instead of worrying, or making noise trying to find something suitable she settled back, and resumed silently listening to the creaks and groans that occure naturally in any house, and for the creak or groan that HE'D caused.

Suddenly the room's door opened, then closed, then oddly enough opened and closed again, and again, and again. She could hear him muttering to himself. It was almost as if the he expected something OTHER than the current room to be there one of these times. Suddenly dust from one of the shoeboxes surrounding her kicked up and Daria released three delicate sneezes.