Scenes no Daria fanfic should ever have! III

Daria and Jane are standing next to Jane's locker. Upchuck comes cheerfully walking past. "Hi-ding-dang-diddly-ho, my lovely studentistas!" he calls out.

"Uh-oh," says Daria to herself in an undertone.

Jane opens her locker, and immediately bumps her head against the locker door. "D'oh!" she groans.

"Double uh-oh," Daria mutters.

--Steve Cross

Jane: They say this cat Mack is a bad mother-

Daria: Shut your mouth.

Jane: I'm talkin' 'bout Mack.

Daria: I can dig it.

--WacoKid

Daria is at her locker, trading her English book for her History book. Just as she closes the locker, she hears her sister call her.

"Hey, Daria!"

"Hi, sis," she replies. "Hey, Sandi... love that blouse!"

"Thanks, Daria," Sandi says, with a smile and a faint blush. "So, are you going to come to Cashman's with us this afternoon?"

"Oh, I can't" Daria replies with a sigh. "I've got this extra credit report due to Mr. O'Neill tomorrow..."

"Hey, so do we!" Quinn giggled. "I've got a great idea!"

"What?" Daria and Sandi chimed in unison.

"Let's go to Cashman's this afternoon, and we can all study together afterwards!"

"Quinn-" began Sandi.

"You are sooo smart!" finished Daria.

--Parker-Man

Daria smugly turned the computer off.

"You owe me." She said grinning at Jane.

"You can't be serious." Jane replied, still looking at the now black screen. "they really did it?"

"Yep. Come on, $50."

"I still can't believe they needed another bad fanfic thread."

"Well, you know how those internet denizens are...Now pay up."

--Isa Yo-Jo

The Fashion Club's "Scrunchies of the World Unite" meeting was suddenly interrupted by the hideous shrieks and screams coming from Daria's room.

Ignoring the possible reputational damage that might come from close association with Quinn's cousin or whatever, they ran as quick as their little fashionable shoes could carry them.

They opened the door to a scene of horror.

They saw Daria in front of her computer, her face scrunched up in horror, dampened by the tears streaming from her eyes, and tearing her hair in despair. Over in the corner knelt Jane, trying to perform sepuku with a plastic case knife.

"Dah-AH-ria, what's the matter?" said Quinn.

"They've done it again! The fiends have done it again! The third iteration of Scenes no Daria fanfic should ever have! We're DOOOOOMMMEED!!!"

"Thaaaat's sooo wrooooong," whimpered Tiffany.

"Sweet Jesus protect us," whined Stacy.

"Omigod, I've just wet myself," whispered Sandi.

Then they all began to run around the room screaming.

Downstairs, Helen looked at the ceiling in horror. "My God, Jake! What could be happening up there?!?"

Jake swirled his cocktail happily and turned up the volume on the playoffs. "Aw, it's probably nothing, Sweetie. They probably just saw a spider or something."

Jake did not notice Guy cackling evilly, cracking his knuckles over the keyboard, and plotting out the further adventures of "Big Jake: Squirrel Wrangler West of the Pecos."

--Guy Payne

"No," said Daria, as she pulled off the mask of her father's killer. "It can't be! Trent!?!"

But unfortunately, it was, or so it seemed. The infamous vigalante known as "Stuntman" was none other than the front man for a bad grunge band known as Mystik Spiral, and he was bleeding to death from that sai wound to his shoulder...

--Ben Breeck

"No," said Daria, as she pulled off the mask of her father's killer. "It can't be! Tiffany!?!"

"And I woooould have gotten away with it tooooo. If it weren't...If it weren't...If it weren't....." Tiffany scrunched her her face in her now legendary "Pomeranian doing an algebra problem" expression, and thought hard. "What was the next line, again," she called over her shoulder.

And to her complete shock and amazement, Daria heard the voice of Tiffany's fellow fashionista Sandi Griffin call back, mild annoyance in her voice. "Tiffany, dear, the line is 'If it weren't for you meddling kids!"

Tiffany looked hard at Daria and blinked. Finally she replied, "Kids? But Sandi, there's only one of herrrr."

Wordlessly, Daria put her head in her hands and began to weep. Not so much for her now deceased father as for the fact she knew that she would be there until it rained frogs waiting for Tiffany to puzzle things out.

--Brandon League

"I don't know how to explain it," Daria said to Jane. "Whenever I hear his voice, I collapse in waves of uncontrollable pleasure."

"I've heard of this before," Jane said, looking thoughtful, "Just not involving Weird Al Yankovik."

--WacoKid

Sandi: Hand me my makeup kit.

Quinn: Which one is yours?

Sandi: The one that says "Bad Mother******" on it.

--WacoKid

Sandi: Hand me my makeup kit.

Quinn: Which one is yours?

Sandi: The one that says "Bad Mother******" on it.

Daria: Well, that cat Sandi is a bad mutha...

Jodie and Jane: Shut your mout!

Daria: But I'm talking about Sandi!

Jodie and Jane: Well we can dig it.

Daria: She's a complicated chick, and no one understand her, but her woman...

Quinn: Down, Sandi!

Talent Coordinator at the Zon [After sitting stunned for a moment after the music fades out]: ...next...

--Guy Payne

Mr. DeMartino steps up to the stage with a microphone. He gestures offstage, and the music starts.
He begins to sing...

"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens,
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens,
Brown paper packages tied up with string,
These are a few of my favorite things..."

We hear a thud as the Talent Coordinator's head hits the table...

--Parker-Man

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, DAY.

Jane is literally dragging Daria in through the front door. Daria has been given a makeover, looks drop-dead gorgeous, and is showing off a lot of skin.

DARIA
This is crazy, Jane! There's no way this is going to work!

JANE
Sure, it will!

DARIA
Jane, just because I look like this doesn't mean Trent will suddenly decide he likes me and—

Trent rushes into the room, grabs Daria, and gives her a passionate kiss she will never forget. Within 15 seconds, they collapse on the floor and out of our sight.

JANE
(dodging tossed clothing)
Hey! You two could at least let me close the door before pulling off each other's clothes!

--Aaron Adelman

Daria sat down at the terminal and plugged her headset into the base. As she did, Jane stood up from the cubicle opposite hers and gave her a thumbs up.

"Welcome to the jungle," she said with a smirk.

"It'll pay for pizza over the summer," Daria replied.

"Then it's off to Boston for the both of us." They shared a grin, then they went to work.

"Angst ‘R'Us," Daria said as she took her first call.

" Yes," the voice on the line said, " I would like to order some angst, please."

"Of course, sir. Have you ordered with us before?"

"Yes, I have."

Daria tapped a few keys on her screen, "Could I have you name, sir?"

"Roger E. Moore."

Daria's face went white. "Uh," she swallowed, "could you repeat that, sir?"

"Roger E. Moore. M-O-O-R-E."

Daria stood and tapped the cubicle wall between her and Jane. When she got her friend's attention, she waved frantically for her to come over.

"Was that an ‘E' or a ‘D' sir?" she asked to stall.

"What's the problem?" Jane whispered in Daria's uncovered ear. When Daria pointed to the name she had typed into the screen, Jane muttered an obscenity.

"That's a ‘D' as in," A sigh came across the phone line, then the man said, "I mean an ‘E' as in ‘Edward.'"

Daria sat down, but was shaking. "Uh, would you like your usual order, sir?"

"Actually, I think I'd like to double it."

As she entered the number, Daria heard Jane hit the ground in a faint. "Okay," she managed to get out. "Um, will you be paying for this with the usual account?"

"Yes, please."

"Very good, sir." Daria wiped away some of the perspiration on her forehead. "We've got an order for four extra-super-sized packages of angst-deluxe. How would you liked this shipped?"

"I'd like that delivered overnight, please. I've got a lot of work to do."

Her lips trembling, Daria entered the information. "Very good, sir. That shipment is on its way. Thank you for shopping with Angst ‘R' Us."

"Thank you. Goodbye."

Daria removed her headset and glasses. Then, she put her face in her hands and began to cry. "He's going to kill me again, I just know it," she muttered.

--Ranger Thorne

(View is from above a group of armed men as they walk under some trees.)
Voice Over (Trent): When they finally got around to coming after me, they came in force. It looked like about two dozen guys. Heavily armed and looking for me.

(Change to see Trent in the branches of a tree. He grins.)
VO: They didn't send enough.

(Trent raises his fists, and two sets of foot-long adamantium claws extend from them.)
VO: My name is Trent Lane, and I'm the best there is at what I do.

(He leaps down out of shot. Seconds later, the sounds of screaming men and gunshots are heard)
VO: But what I do isn't pretty.

--Ranger Thorne

Big Jakes band of squirrel boys had just left the Llano Estacado with a herd of ten thousand of the gol-danged orneriest Texas long-tail squirrels ever to set foot on the Tuffluck/Morgendorffer trail. They crossed a hill just south of the Colorado border and pulled up short.

"Dang, Big Jake," said Slow Draw Trent, "Didn't they used to be a forest around here or something?"

"Goldang if that ol' cayuse ain't right, boss man," said Tommy the Kid. "Right over there, big stand o' spruce and other connifers, just as far as the eye could see."

Big Jake spat a stream of tobacco juice, then pulled out a hankie and wiped it off his shirt. "Reckon so," he said laconicaly.

"Reckon that big feller over there might tell us what happened?" said Tommy the Kid.

They looked over at the giant standing amongst the tree stumps with a red flannel shirt and a voyageur hat, leaning on a huge, two-headed ax, and standing by an enormous blue ox.

"Howdy, Big Jake," he rumbled, "been awhile."

"Howdy y'se'f, Paul."

"How's Helen and the girls?"

"They gittin' along well."

"I see you ain't got the hang o' chawin' terbaccy, yet."

Big Jake ignored the remark and gritted his teeth. He could rant about this latter.

"Didn't know you'd be takin' this route again. Seems like you'd a taken a more easterly route, something with water for yore fliptails."

"Big Jake don't flinch at hardships, Bunyan! Uh, say, out of curiosity, which trail you talkin' about?"

"Oh, never mind, you wouldn't like it. No challenges. Recollect you was around these parts this time last year."

"I didn't see you," said Big Jake, peering up at the giant. "Why didn't you say something?"

"Too busy cutting down the woods. You musta seen me."

"Only thing I saw last year was a hellacious storm."

"Well! That was me!"

"Naw sir! There was a porential rain a-fallin'!"

"That warn't nothin' but my sweat a-flyin' off as I swung my ax!"

"What about that big wooshing wind?"

"That was just my ax a-flyin' through the air!"

"And that there lightnin'?"

"That was just the sparks from Babe's hooves as she drove the timber to th' sluice head!"

"And that loud, rumbling thunder?"

"That was due to gas produced by cookie's garlic beans with onion."

They stood there for a moment, untill Slow-Draw drawled out, "Maybe that was where that stank came from that suffocated them two thousand head of fliptails?"

Big Jake and the crew gave Bunyan the hairy eyeball.

"Look!" said Bunyan pointing, "It's Pecos Bill!" He and Babe then hightailed it for the horizon while Jake and the crew looked.

Eventually they figured it out.

--Guy Payne

As the doorbell rang, Jake called up the stairs.

"Girls! Your dates are here!"

Jake opened the door to find Tom, Trent and Ted standing outside.

"Come on in, guys. The girls will be down in just a second."

"Thanks, Mr. Morgendorffer," Tom said, entering the house.

Tom was wearing an authentic Nazi SS officers uniform, complete with working sidearm.

"Hey, Mr. M," Trent said, following Tom inside.

Trent was wearing neon red Speedos and a rubber gorilla mask. On his bare chest, written in bright purple lipstick were the words SEX MACHINE.

"Good evening, Mr. Morgandorffer," Ted said as he also came inside.

Ted was wearing a yellow Lawndale cheerleaders skirt and swimfins. His chest was bare to show off his new nipple rings, and his hair was styled in a classic Moe Howard bowl cut.

Jake smiled happily.

"Boy, you fellas sure do look swell tonight. I can't wait to get some pictures of you with the girls. Helen! Bring the camera!"

It was at that moment that the first of the girls appeared at the top of the stairs.

Jake could only beam.

"Quinn, you look lovely!"

"Thank you, daddy," she blushed, starting down the stairs.

Quinn was dressed in a potato sack and a diaper, her hair cut into an inverted mohawk.

As she reached the bottom of the steps, she embraced Trent and French kissed him through his mask.

Jake looked on with tearful pride as Helen took several pictures with the camera.

"Oh, Jane's ready!"

"Hi, everyone," Jane said happily as she started down the steps.

Jane was completely nude, her completely hairless body covered in green and blue paint, the pattern similar to that of tropical frogs.

As Jane reached the bottom of the steps, she kneeled down in front of Tom and kissed his boots before letting him attach a leather dog collar and leash to her neck.

Helen continued to snap pictures as Jake looked up the stairs to see Daria.

"Oh, wow."

Daria was wearing football pads and a jersey, clown shoes and crotchless leather g-string panties.

Daria ran down the stairs, grabbed Ted by his nipple rings and began to grind against his leg.

"Take me! Right here, right now!"

Ted could never say no to Daria.

Helen continued to take pictures.

Jake felt a tear roll down his cheek.

"This is the best Christmas ever!"

Helen could only nod in agreement, as the ball gag she wore kept her from speaking.

--WacoKid

The punch had enough power to crack open planets, but Daria was able to sort of roll with it and get away with a nasty bruise to the chin and a trip across the sky. However, the follow-up axe-handle hurt a LOT and send her flying towards Terra Firma. Mountains formed by millions of years of geologic activity were smashed into rubble as her body carved a new valley across what was once a small mountain range. After the shock waves of the impact had subsided, there was a brief moment of eerie silence, almost like the eye of the tornado. Then, the rubble at the end of Valley Daria begin to shift. Slowly, a dusty and bedraggled figure emerged from the rocks, slowly revealing herself as the dust began to settle. She swayed for a few moments, then collapsed to her knees in apparent exhaustion.

From the sky, drifting down with an almost inhuman grace, was Sandi. Her clothes were a bit too sweaty to be considered fashionable and there was an irreparable tear on her right sleeve, but otherwise she looked none the worse for wear. She wore a smirk on her face stuffed so full of smugness one had an immediate urge to knock it off her face. However, very few people would even try, as she was radiating what felt like pure power. The Ki surrounding her was purple in color, tinting her and the nearby ground. Even if one could not sense Ki, one could feel the waves of energy emanating from her, as well as a shimmer in the air that might have been from heat. Those who could sense Ki generally sensed it several miles away and promptly fled in the opposite direction.

“Well...” The voice was relaxed, casual, confident in victory, and more than a little smug. “This is the extent of the mighty Daria Morgendorffer's powers. I would have expected you to have tried just a LITTLE bit harder. After all, your little brat of a sister had more spunk. Besides, I'm going to kill you for stealing the Dragonballs from under me and preempting my wish. Such affronts must not go unpunished, don't you agree?”

For a moment, there was no sound except the low hum that accompanied someone channeling a large amount of Ki. Then, Sandi Griffin heard the last thing she expected to hear. Daria began to chuckle.

“Well, I see that you haven't been spending the past year studying,” Daria said in a voice equally smug. “When will you learn that no one shows all their power in the beginning. Now, I'll show you exactly what I have learned.”

There was less than a second of warning, when the air began to shimmer around her, and those who could sense Ki felt a slight prickling sensation. Then, Daria gave a Ki-ai that split the heavens as the ground exploded around her. Waves of pure energy, unlocked from some deep reservoir within her poured forth for her to command. As was inevitable, a tiny fraction of a fraction leaked out. That alone was enough to shake and crack the already abused ground, spreading a network of fissures that would go on for several miles. Finally, she looked up and stared at Sandi with death in her eyes. As she began to get up, Sandi noticed that two of Daria's fingers on her right hand were together, and glowing with an unnatural light.

She noticed too late. Just as she began to jump back, Daria pointed those fingers at her and with a cry of “Makkankosappo” a spiraling beam of pure death flew towards her head. It was at point blank range with almost no room to dodge, but Sandi manged to throw herself to her left. That saved her life, but at a significant cost. Her right arm, already suffering from a tom sleeve, was ripped off entirely as the drilling blast tore through the shoulder. She felt no pain.

“Dammit! He taught her THAT move?” Sandi thought “What else did he teach her?” A list of potential moves ran though her mind, none of which was particularly encouraging to her. “I've got to get away!!” Pointing her good arm downwards, she screamed “Big Bang Attack” and fired the shot point blank into the ground.

The resulting explosion knocked both parties back significantly. Daria, now glowing blue to Sandi's purple, manged to get re-oriented within moments. Glancing around, she saw that Sandi had taken to the air and was hovering above her. There was death in Sandi's eyes, and much to Daria's distress, there was a tiny dot hovering above her index finger. “What are you crazy?” she shouted “You know, not getting your way is bad, but there's not reason to destroy the ENTIRE FREAKING PLANET in a temper tantrum!!”

Sandi responded with one word. “Die.” At that, she raised her finger and the tiny dot began to grow. It swelled with a red destructive force, the color of a dying sun, until it was bloated to the size of a house. As Sandi pointed towards the ground, the ball of energy began to descend in a journey that could only end in destruction.

Daria didn't waste time, there was only one thing to do anyway. Positioning herself in the path, she cupped her hands together. “Ka . . . Me . . .” As her concentration increased, Ki bean to pour from her body into the space between her hands. A small dot of energy appeared and began to grow. “Ha . . . Me . . .” There was an empty feeing inside her as every scrap of energy she had was poured into the sphere. It had grown to a size that completely filled the space between her hands. The light that was streaming out of it was turning the the area around her a brilliant blue, a point of light in the midst of the dull red that the ball of energy was staining everything else. Preparing herself for the strain of the technique, Daria thrust her hands at the death ball and shouted as loud as she could. A bolt of the most brilliant blue light the universe had ever seen shot forth.

Running along Snake Way, Quinn suddenly frowned. Concentrating more of her Ki into her legs, she increased her speed to ludicrous amounts as she shot above the yellow clouds. “Dammit Daria,” she thought “don't you dare die on me until I get back.:

--Yogi

Tiffany read her book report on the dictionary.

<Insert actual book report here>

....and it turns out that the Zebra did it. But those stripes? Ewwwww.....

--A.J.

Daria Morgendorffer and Tom Sloane starring in "Gigli 2: The sequel"

Tom: I love your butt,

Daria: And I love you.....

<repeat ad nauseum for 90 minutes interspersed with gratuitous shots of Daria's rear.>

--A.J.

Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane starring in "Kangaroo Jack 2: Jack's Revenge"

Daria: Wow if something makes money the hollywood machine will milk it dry, wouldn't you say so Lane?

Jane: Don't knock it, at least we're working again after the show was cancelled.

Daria: True, but why do we have to wear these kangaroo suits again?

Jane: No idea, but me likey.

Jack: You can say that again, mate. <winks seductively>

Daria: Mr. Moore? If you're out there now, hurry up and kill me again please? I'll take anything, frozen, shot, stabbed, slowly dying from Malaysian toe fungus, alien abduction, just get me out of here!

Jane (offscreen): Oh, Jack!

Daria:Hurry!

--A.J.

"Oh, hey! You must be the new girl! Hey, Sandi!"

"Hi, I'm Sandi. You look like you'd fit right in our club. I'll even make you vice-president!"

"Buuuut," said the new girl.

"Oh, please, you'll love it," said the third girl, "It's not every day someone shows up around here with 'vice-president' written all over her forehead."

"I was doodling in the car and my pen got away from me?"

"Ha! Good one!" she replied.

"So, like, what's your name?" asked Sandi.

"Daria. Daria Morgendorffer. Look, I'm really not a joiner..."

"Pooh! None of us are joiners. Jane, tell her what our motto is."

"'How can I ever join a club that wants me as a member?'"

"Andrea thought it up."

"Eh, not really. Sorta like something Groucho Marx once said."

"Ah, jeez, check it out," said Jane. "Fashion Clubs got new meat."

"That's my sister, Quinn," grumbled Daria. "Figures she'd hook up with a popular crowd."

"They're our mortal enemies," said Andrea.

"Yeah," said Sandi, "We live to torment them."

"Where do I sign up?" said Daria, watching Brooke swearing in Quinn.

Later that week, on the dark of the moon, Daria was given blood initiation into the first level mysteries of the Outcast Club.

Lawndale High was never the same.

--Guy Payne

Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane starring in "Kangaroo Jack 2: Jack's Revenge"

Daria: Mr. Moore? If you're out there now, hurry up and kill me again please? I'll take anything, frozen, shot, stabbed, slowly dying from Malaysian toe fungus, alien abduction, just get me out of here!

Jane (offscreen): Oh, Jack!

Daria:Hurry!

Suddenly, Daria sat bolt upright in bed. It had all been a dream!

"Thank God!" she sighed in relief.

"Did you say something?" said Scooby-Doo, in bed next to her.

--Roger E. Moore

Suddenly, Daria sat bolt upright in bed. It had all been a dream!

"Thank God!" she sighed in relief.

"Did you say something?" said Scooby-Doo, in bed next to her.

"She was just dreaming, Scoobs," Simba purred as he rolled over at Daria's feet.

"Don't worry about it, Daria," Velma yawned as she scratched her bare chest and rolled over. "C'mon back to sleep."

Daria's head whipped around to each speaker in turn as her mind rapidly sipraled around itself in an effort to figure out how the hell she had wound up in this pracarious position. She dropped back onto her pillow with a 'whump,' taking the easy way out as her mind continued to whirl.

"PIKA!!" Something yowled behind her an instant before the room was filled with lightening.

--Greystar

Daria stared at the dead deer, then looked at the rifle in her hand. Her mouth opened, then closed.

"Go on, Kiddo! You killed it, now it's time to gut it!" Grinning, Jake pulled out his hunting knife and offered it to her.

Daria put down the rifle and took the knife, hesitantly. "I-"

"What is it, kiddo?" Jake looked at her with concern.

"I- I want to thank you for making me come on this hunting trip, Dad. I would have never known the sublime feeling of taking a life without your help." Reverently, Daria cut in to the deer.

"Don't sweat it, kiddo. All Morgendorffers are like that. It's in the blood." Jake grinned. "Just don't tell your mother! Not that she's likely to have time to ask, being a partner and all."

Daria paused, then looked at him with sudden awareness. "So, did they ever find Eric?"

Jake's grin grew. "Nope!"

--Nemo Blank

After a few moments Daria managed to pull herself together. She'd gone to the restroom and splashed some water on her face and had calmed down enough to start working again. She'd just settled into her chair when Jane's stunned voice caught her attention.

"You want WHAT? A triple order of flashback angst?"

Daria quickly poked her head into Jane's cubical, and this time Jane pointed to the screen. Deref. Daria held her breath, this was it, Jane's own personal angst machine. That rotten aussy had nearly killed Jane via overdose and THEN put her in a relationship with Quinn of all people.

She took a closer look at the screen and went immediately red with rage. It seems Deref had picked up a partner in crime. It was none other than that psycho who'd started an adult website based on Daria. God they were in trouble now. She sat nervously rocking back and forth waiting for Jane to finish so they could run for the bunker together.

After several long moments Jane began finalizing the order. "That shipment will be on its way shortly. Thank you for shopping with Angst ‘R' Us."

Jane whispered something in the mouthpiece that Daria couldn't quite make out, and then clicked a button and removed her headset.

"That was his largest order EVER." She said still kind of shocked at it all.

Daria knew this was the end. "Dammit Jane don't just stand there, we gotta get into the angst fallout shelter NOW!"

"Relax Daria, we're safe, well reasonably so."

"What do you mean we're safe, you said that was his largest order ever?"

"Yeah it was, but see the thing is, it was flashback angst, worst case scenario, you and I stop existing... and hell I could use a paid vacation to the void. It might even give me some inspirations for my next painting."

"Yeah, and if we're REALLY lucky Roger will use up his new order while we're gone. Oh, what was that last thing you said to him, you know, when you were whispering?" At this last question Jane turned as red as her ever present shirt.

"Iwasthankinghimformumblemumblemumble"

"What was that?"

"Iwasthankinghimforthatlastbigscenewithquinn. OK?"

--Thea Zara

Daria sat at the top of the stairs and held her leg high in the air, grooming it with her tongue. She even began making a continuous contented noise as she worked on the fur. She was just begining to nibble at her footpads when it happened.

Quinn came jogging out of her room, her little collar bell jingling merrily, as she made her way singlemindedly toward the kitchen.

Daria would have none of that. She rolled over on her stomach, laid her ears down flat and hissed.

Quinn had not expected Daria to be there, so she jumped with an indignant noise. She landed and immediately crouched low, backing her own ears and growling.

Daria crept until she was completely blocking the stairs and hissed another challenge.

"Girls?" said Helen from the living room.

Quinn's growl went to a discordant whine and she approached Daria sideways, her back in the air and her hair standing on end. She let Daria take a good look at her teeth.

That's when Daria clopped her in the face, and the battle was joined.

The two rolled down the stairs howling, hissing and spitting, biting and swatting each other, a furry ball of brown, red and white.

"Dammit, girls! Stop that this instant. Jake! You'd better be doing something about this!"

The pair reached the bottom of the steps and the red tabby that had been Quinn raced off to the kitchen. The brown pointed Siamese that had been Daria sat down at the foot of the stairs and began grooming again.

"Jacob!" Helen was glowering at him.

"I'm working on it Honey! It's got to be here somewhere in my old Hogwarts Military Academy note books! Let's see, AH! Here it is!
Counter-spells! You should see me now, old man! You'd see old Jakey isn't the incompetent twit you always..."

"JACOB MORGENDORFFER!!! THE COUNTER SPELL, NOW!!!"

"Oh, uh, sure honey! What was I thinking!"

Jake threw some incense into a censor and crushed some herbs in a mortar while chanting arcane aphorisms taught him long ago by the Wizard's Apprentice Second Class Elenbogen. He waved the censor over the herbs and poured a potion into it, and with a final mystical syllable and a dramatic flailing of the arms, the spell went off with a flash that knocked him on his backside.

He sat up and looked over at Helen. The massive Maine Coon cat standing where she had been standing glowered at him, and the last spark of sentience in her eyes told him he was going to pay dearly for this.

"Heh, heh-heh, uhhhh, back to the old drawing board?" he half whined.

Helen then did what cats do best. She ignored him.

Then he felt something small crawl onto his leg. Veronica looked up at him with big green eyes and started to make biscuits on his leg.

"mBeeeeeee!" she said through tiny, white, pointy teeth.

Jake stared in horror at the wee calico and said, "Oh, God, do I even want to know who you are?"

--Guy Payne

"This is definitely the last time I try to light a fart while wearing polyester underwear," said Daria from her hospital bed.

"Yeah," sighed Jane. "Thank God I caught it on tape this time."

--Roger E. Moore

Daria and Jane were sitting at a table in the Zen.

"So what's this 'new sound' Trent's been talking about?" asked Daria.

"It's a big secret," said Jane. "They've been practicing at Max's so I wouldn't hear them."

Just then Trent came onto the stage carrying an accordian.

"OK, Lawndale, I'm Trentislaus Lanekowski, this is Polish Spyral, so let's polka, people!

--M Man

Daria knew it was going to be a bad week when she realized she was being stalked by the Blue Man Group.

--Ranger Thorne

As Daria and Jane approached Casa Lane, they could see that Trent was sitting on the front step. “Hey, Trent,” Jane called, “Did you forget your key?”

Trent laugh/coughed. “Not this time. Uh, Daria, I have a couple of things to tell you.”

Daria looked up at him and blushed. There was no logical explanation for it, but Jane’s older brother made her feel all gooshy inside. “Yes, Trent?” she managed to get out.

“You remember that lottery ticket we went in together on at the store last week? It was a winner. Here’s your half.” He pulled a huge wad of bills out of the pocket of his torn jeans and handed it to her.

“Wow! What luck!” said Daria, taking the money and beginning to stuff it in her jacket pockets. “This is wonderful! What’s the other thing?”

“Daria, I can’t deny it anymore. I love you. I realize now that the difference in our ages is meaningless. Will you marry me?”

Daria’s head spun. She felt her knees buckle. Then she felt Trent’s strong arms around her. “Daria, my love! Speak to me!” he cried.

Daria smiled muzzily up at him. “Oh, Trent! You don’t know how I’ve yearned to hear you say that! I long for you to rip off my clothes and take me right here on the sidewalk! But… I can’t.”

Trent looked stricken. “Daria! Don’t say that! I can’t face life without you!”

“No, I mean… I can’t give you an answer right now. I have to think. That’s just the way I am! Look, I have to go home anyway. Mom and Dad have something they want to tell me. I’ll… I’ll get back to you.”

“Well, okay, but hurry, Daria. Every minute I’m without you…” Trent was interrupted by a fit of coughing and gagging from Jane. She spit out a big green fly that had somehow gotten into her mouth and continued to gag and spit. Daria took the opportunity to head homeward.

Walking along on autopilot, Daria wasn’t sure whether her feet we still touching the ground or not. Visions of Trent’s face replaced the suburban Lawndale landscape. Happening to stick her hands in her pockets, she felt the sheafs of money. This has got to be the luckiest day of my life! she thought.

Suddenly a figure stepped from behind a bush onto the sidewalk ahead of her. Dragging her thoughts away from Trent, Daria recognized Sandi Griffin. “Hi, Sandi! Isn’t is a wonderful day?”

“Not yet, but it will be,” replied Sandi in a peculiar tone. Daria noticed that Sandi had her hands behind her back.

“What do you mean, Sandi?”

“I’ve been waiting for you, Daria. Ever since you came to Lawndale High, my life has been getting steadily worse. At first, I didn’t realize you were the cause of it, but I eventually figured it out. The teachers started expecting the students to actually study and stuff, and get good grades. The students started to question why the Fashion Club should run things, and are even starting to question out popularity. And lately, Quinn and Stacy are starting to act like brains. And it’s all your fault! Well, I’m going to fix that. If a brain is the problem, I’ve got the solution right here!”

Sandi brought her hands into view. In her right hand was a shiny aluminum baseball bat. She gripped its handle with her left hand and advanced on Daria. “Say goodbye, you unfashionable geek!” she snarled as she raised the bat high over her head.

“Goodbye, Trent, my love!” Daria cried.

There was a blinding flash and a deafening crack. “So this is what it feels like to have your skull bashed in by a baseball bat,” she thought. Then she realized that she hadn’t actually felt anything except a strong tingling.

Daria rubbed at her eyes, and her vision began to clear. There on the sidewalk before her was a puddle of molten aluminum and the charred, smoking, nearly unrecognizable corpse of Sandi Griffin. Wow, what luck! She must have been struck by lightning, thought Daria as she stepped around the smoldering remains. Ears ringing and colored streaks floating in front of her eyes, she continued homeward.

Before she reached 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, however, Daria was startled by the honking of a car horn. Blinking, she determined that she was still on the sidewalk and not on the street. She squinted and shaded her eyes.

“Daria! Get in the car!” came her mother’s voice from her left. Turning toward the sound, she saw her mother’s red SUV stopped in the street. Feeling sheepish, she walked over and got inside.

“Where are we going?” she asked when she’d fastened her seat belt.

“To the airport, to pick up your brother,” her father said from the front passenger seat.

“Excuse me?” was all Daria could say.

“We just got a letter from your older brother, whom we thought was stillborn,” said her mother. It turns out he was stolen and sold to a filthy rich childless couple. He just found out we’re his real parents, and he’s… he…” helen seemed to lose her voice.

“He’s flying in to meet us! And he’s a billionaire!” Jake finished for her.

“That’s great! Wow, what luck!” Daria exclaimed. “Is that what you wanted to tell me?”

Silence like concrete suddenly filled the car. After several long, uncomfortable seconds, Daria said, “Mom? Dad?”

Another silence, then Jake burst out, “Damn you, old man! This is your fault, somehow!’’ and then burst into tears.

“Huh? What’s his fault? What?” Daria asked anxiously.

“Daria…” Helen said in a strained voice, “Your doctor called.”

“Did he find out what’s causing my headaches?”

“Yes, dear, he did. You have a… a brain tumor.”

Another, even longer, silence ensued. Finally, Daria said, in a small, frightened voice, “And…?”

“And you’ve only got six months to live! Aauggh!!” Jake howled.

After what seemed like an eternity, a voice interrupted the music on the radio. “Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt this program to bring you a special announcement by the President of the United States.” Then came another voice, that of the President. “My fellow Americans, it is with a heavy heart that I bring you this news. The astronomers and astrophysicists of the world have concluded that our sun is on the brink of going nova. This will occur in three or four months. All life on earth will be destroyed, and there is nothing that can be done to stop it. Panic is useless. It was decided that we should tell you this so that you may put your affairs in order and use what time remains wisely and well. I'm gonna boogie till I go blind! Goodbye, and God bless us, every one.”

After a few seconds, somber instrumental music began playing on the radio. The Morgendorffers sat in stunned silence. Finally Daria said, “What luck. I don’t have to worry about that brain tumor.”

--Galen Hardesty

Tiffany Blum-Deckler's worst nightmare came true the day her girdle burst during lunch and EVERYONE at Lawndale High found out she really was fat.

--Aaron Adelman

…After a few seconds, somber instrumental music began playing on the radio. The Morgendorffers sat in stunned silence. Finally Daria said, “What luck. I don’t have to worry about that brain tumor.”

Just then Tiffany Blum-Deckler walked up to the window.

"Daria," she said, "the most amazing thing happened! I bumped my head and it all came back to me! I'm really super-intelligent and I've worked out a way that we can divert that meteor."

"It's not a meteor. He said the sun's going nova," replied Daria.

"Whatever," chirped Quinn. "Tiffany's really smart, Daria - she can fix that too. And she just tought me all about brain surgery so I can fix that tumor for you. Just lie down for a minute."

Daria lay down as Quinn took an ice pick from her back pocket.

"Oh, yeah," said Tiffany. "If forgot. I've also worked out how nobody need ever look fat again!"

"Wow. That's really great, Tiffany," said Stacy Rowe who just happened to be walking by at that very moment. "And guess what? It works! I'm having Mister O'Neill's baby next week and you'd never know, would you?"

"Gee! No!" said Daria as Quinn removed the ice pick from the corner of her eye. "You look great, Stacy! And thanks, Quinn. I really do feel better now. Could I borrow some of your clothes when we get home?"

"Daddy?" Quinn said, "Would you like me to get rid of all those terrible memories? It'll only take a second."

"Sure kiddo!" Jake replied. "Should I lie down?"

The car started to shake. Everyone looked out the window to see Sandi Griffin, her body crackling with electricity, lift the SUV into the air with one hand.

"The lightning didn't kill me!" she said. "It gave me super powers. Now everyone's going to be sorry!"

"Not so fast, Griffin!" Jane shouted.

--Deref

"Not so fast, Griffin!" Jane shouted. Or really, it was Super Lightning Art Chick (Think: That one alter ego), Jane's superhero identity as she struck a super pose. "I knew I'd find you out eventually, Fashionator! But this time I'll be the victor."

"Grrr...Art Chick!" Sandi said through clenched teeth, "You may know my identity, but you're still no match for me!"

Sandi dropped the SUV and lept up in the air to the top of a nearby building as Jane followed. The two titans met in the air and locked together in mortal combat as they went into a death spiral towards the ground. The spectators on the ground were awe-struck by the mighty display of force taking place above the streets of Lawndale.

As the two combatants flew faster and faster towards the ground, Jane punched Sandi in the stomach, causing her to double over and she momentarily forgot how to fly. As Jane disentangled herself from Sandi's grip, the last thing anyone heard before Sandi went flying to the ground was Sandi screaming, "That purple makes you look faaaaaaat..."

By the time Jane landed on the ground, the rest of Lawndale was assembled viewing her in all her spandex encrusted glory.

"I'm glad you're here!" Tiffany said walking up to Jane, "You're instrumental in my plans to save the world from going nova."

"And then we can totally redo that costume so it'll match!" Stacy chimed in.

"Right!" threw in Quinn.

Daria and Trent, who had appeared for no particular reason, were to busy making out in the Tank to notice much of anything.

Suddenly, a scream shattered the peaceful calm.
"Noo! Leave him alone!" It was Daria screaming.

As the mob turned to look at the scene, they saw Trent being carried over the streets by a mysterious girl wearing an all black costume who was very much a size 6.

Jane ran up to Daria's side.

"Quick Daria, to the phone booth of costume changes! It's going to take the two of us to defeat...The Harpie!"

--Isa Yo-Jo

"Not so fast, Griffin!" Jane shouted.

Jane pulled an eraser from her pocket and advanced on Sandi. "Never thought I'd have to use this," she muttered.

Sandi pulled back and flung the SUV at Jane's head. Jane merely raised her hand, made a motion with the eraser--and the SUV vanished.

"Uh-oh," said Sandi. "The Magnificient Eraser of Bad Fanf--"

Jane made a swift top-to-bottom motion, and Sandi Griffin vanished. She turned and faced the rest of the Lawndalians. "Next?" she asked.

After a moment, Tiffany cleared her throat. "I'd better go home and make sure I'm not fat," she said, and quickly left.

"Sale at Cashman's!" yelled Quinn, and she and Stacy fled. In moments, everyone else had an in-character excuse to leave the scene, and each used it.

Satisfied, Jane walked over to her partner in crime. "How about you, amiga?" she asked, fingering the eraser just in case.

Daria looked down at all the bills in her pockets. "I'll pay for pizza," she said.

"Done," said Jane, and they set off for Pizza King.

They walked for a few minutes before Daria dared ask one burning question. "Roger gave you that, didn't he?" she said.

"Yeah," said Jane, pocketing the eraser. "Isn't he the greatest?"

--Roger E. Moore

She huddled in the far corner, forcing herself to take slow deep breaths, straining to hear any sound, any clue that would tell her where in the house he was. He'd been looking for at least a half hour. The only way she'd avoided him THIS long was by sheer dumb luck. Her fight or flight reaction had decided that flight was the better option in this case, and she'd found herself in the ONE place he'd assume she'd never go... Quinn's closet.

She looked around for a weapon, anything, but she knew she honestly had no defense against what he could do to her; none at all. Instead of worrying, or making noise trying to find something suitable she settled back, and resumed silently listening to the creaks and groans that occure naturally in any house, and for the creak or groan that HE'D caused.

Suddenly the room's door opened, then closed, then oddly enough opened and closed again, and again, and again. She could hear him muttering to himself. It was almost as if the he expected something OTHER than the current room to be there one of these times. Suddenly dust from one of the shoeboxes surrounding her kicked up and Daria released three delicate sneezes.

It only took him less than a moment to locate Daria, but as soon as he slid open the closet door he found himself on the losing end of a shoe shower.

Our heroine had finally had enough.

"DAMN YOU HARDESTY YOU WILL NOT SHIP ME WITH UPCHUCK!!!"

--Thea Zara

Daria's eyes bulged with panic. She clapped both hands over her mouth, but it was useless. There had just been too many shocks too fast. The weird compulsion to sing had hit her again. Sometimes the malady just swept over Lawndale.

Climbing up on the lunchroom table, she gave in, singing loudly.

Quinn ran off with Trent
my mind is badly bent.
they ran off in the night
my life is one big blight.

Jane stared up at her, mouth gaping, dribbling half chewed food. "Www.... What?

That was to be the worst shock of the day
then came Tom to announce he's gay
and of all the ladies in the land
I most reminded him of a man

Jane's food spewed out. "But... That means... That @#&^! HE DATED ME FIRST!"

Daria gave her a sympathetic look.

To prove my femininity
became an important goal for me
now I'm feeling all womanly and sore
my panties are in Upchuck's souvenir drawer.

Jane stared in horror and then vomited.

Upchuck strolled in wearing a smoking jacket, complete with an ascot. He grinned at Daria and blew her a kiss. "Oh yeah. My lady D is a nitroglycerine cocktail with a plutonium twist, shaken, not stirred, hot Hot HOT!"

Daria blushed, hanging her head in shame.

"Daria!" Jane was trying not to hyperventilate. "You and... That?"

"All night long," crowed Upchuck.

Daria nodded, resignation on her face.

When I told my family
they revealed the truth to me.
I was adopted from a maid
Whom Charles Rutheimer II had laid.

Charles instantly fainted, soon followed by Jane.

Daria climbed down off of the table and shook her head, walking out. "Lousy stinkin' musicals. I wonder if the Foreign Legion has gone coed yet?"

--Nemo Blank

"Tiffany," said Daria, "do pleated skirts make me look fat?"

--M Man

"Tiffany," said Mack, "do pleated skirts make me look fat?"

--Mahna Mahna

"Not so fast, Griffin!" Jane shouted.

As Sandi paused, Jane placed herself between the electrically powered Fashion Clubber and her intended targets.

"If you want to kill them," Jane said defiently, "You'll have to kill me first!"

"You know I can't do that," Sandi said tearfully before dropping the SUV. "I love you too much, Janie-Bear!"

"I love you to, Sandi-Snookems!" Jane cried, tears filling her eyes as well.

The two ran to each other and embraced.

Unfortunately, Sandi was still crackling with electricity and Jane was fried like a fresh fish on a powerline.

As Jane's smoking corpse fell to the ground, Daria dropped to her knees and cried out to the heavens.

"WHY, GOD?! WHY?!!"

Suddenly a divine voice boomed from the heavens.

"Because, Daria, like I told Job, there's just something about you that pisses me off."

And then a lightning bolt struck Daria, causing her head to explode, killing her instantly.

The rest of the assembled group looked on speachlessly.

Quinn finally broke the silence.

"Daddy, since Daria's dead, can I turn her room into a walk in closet?"

"Sure, sweetie, as long as your mom says its ok."

"Mom?"

Helen didn't answer, as she'd been talking to Eric on her cell phone the entire time and was oblivious to everything that had happened.

--WacoKid

After Quinn finished putting the final nail in the door, she dropped the hammer out of the window, not noticing her father's cry of pain as it landed on his foot. Nearly frantic, she noticed that the night had indeed fallen. It wouldn't be long now.

Silently, she cursed the night two months ago when her sister had scratched her under the full moon. Slowly, the words became longer, and the sentences more complex. This was why she couldnt' date on the full moon, and was doomed to avoid the fashion club as well.

Quinn Morgendorffer was a were-brain.

--Ranger Thorne

It was an ordinary day in Lawndale, but the beauty and tranquility was only skin-deep. For deep under the city, a foul plot was afoot. In a dark underground lab deep underneath a residential neighborhood, two people were preparing an assault on the community, but not with guns, but their minds............

Daria: *Rubbing her pinky with her thumb* I never thought it would come to this.

Jane: Daria, you know what you were getting into when you agreed to this.

Daria: Yeah, but THIS? *Points to her head*

Jane: I had to call in some serious favors for the gizmos and know-hows. Just be glad we didn't have to scrimp and save fifty billion dollars.

Daria: *Still rubbing her pinky with her thumb* You mean robs banks and sh*t......

Jane: Eh, whatever. Somewhere along those lines. So, did you bring it?

Daria: *Pulls out a shopping bag, and takes out a somewhat moderate-length cable* Yeah, do you have ANY idea how hard it is to find crossover cable in this town?

Jane: *Takes the cable and hooks it up into a port in the wall* Yeah, I know what you mean. So, how's the interface feel?

Daria: *Still rubbing her pinky with her thumb* It's like a dream, being able to remember every word and every image I've seen for the past 18 years, and to be able to call it up anytime........

Jane: Any discomfort from it? Any sign of cramping?

Daria: *Still rubbing her pinky with her thumb* I AM kinda worried about Carpel-Tunnel, it kinda feels weird using my thumb and pinky to move a mouse in my head. I'll probably look silly doing this in public.

Jane: Bear with it, it's most convienent configuration for the trackball.

Daria: But why did you install Windows? I mean, what it it crashes, do I go brain dead or something?

Jane: Nah, but you WILL temporary lose the usage of the eye. And besides, the program was only written in Win32, and at least this way, we'll know it works. Okay, you set?

Daria: Yeah, let's do it.

*Daria lifts her hair up and Jane plugs the other end of the ethernet cable (With a special adaptor) into a jack in the base of her neck*

Jane: So, you're connected?

Daria: Not yet.......okie, now I'm in........

Jane: Alright, do your stuff.

*Daria connects to www.thepaperpusher.com, and executes the virus program........*

Daria: If we can't stop the bad fanfic thread, we'll just have to punish Rich.......

--Reese Kaine

Jane is bowing down to huge stone idols of Daria and Trent. Daria looks on and rolls her eyes.

DARIA: Jane, when you told me you were a Daria-Trent shipper, I thought you meant a relationshipper, not a worshipper.

--Aaron Adelman

Daria: I can't believe it's had to come to this, but I've got no choice.

Jane: Amiga, normally I would be with you 100% on anything, but I can't say I agree with you here.

Daria: Where do you see the problem?

Jane: Where do I see the problem? You're the one thinking of pushing THE BUTTON and annhialating us all! Just to stop a thread on a message board that 268 people know about?

Daria: And your problem with that is.....

Jane: You don't think it's just a wee bit on the extreme side?

Daria: Jane, look what they've done to me! Hell look at what they've done to you! Can you honestly say these people have been anything like humane towards us and our lives?

Jane: Well....

Daria: The times we've been killed, raped, pregnant, lost a loved one, broken down mentally because of these people!

Jane: But it's just....

Daria: Just what? Appropriate? Justified? About time? Overdue? Enticing?

Jane: No.....

Daria: Then what?

Jane: <takes a .22 out of her shirt> Because I've finally found my true love in life and you're not going to take my pooky bear away just when I've found true bliss!

Daria: I had no idea! Who's the lucky guy?

Jane: Who said anything about a guy?

Daria: Not you and me, It's been done to death around here.

Jane: Nope.

Daria: Who then? <steps warily towards button>

Jane: She's on the line now <hands Daria her cell>

Daria: <very warily> Hello?

Pooky bear: You haven't gone and gotten a tattoo since I left have you?

Daria:Grandma Ruth!?!?!

Ruth: Yes?

Daria: Here's Jane

<2 minutes later>

Daria: Just promise me one thing and I'll let you be happy.

Jane: And that is?

Daria: Shoot me between the eyes and make it quick.

Jane: You got it! <Fires> Pooky bear?

Ruth: Yes, my little Janey Lube?

Jane: Same time, same place?

Ruth: The stage of the Zon inbetween your brothers sets?

Jane: Bingo! And don't forget the cuffs this time!

Ruth: I won't. Bye!

Jane: Bye. <steps over Daria's corpse and goes to get ready to meet her Pooky bear.>

--A.J.

"Show me what you wear, and I will tell you who you are."
- Val

Five years ago, a woman's fantasy became a reality in a form never seen before: Fashion Stadium, a giant makeover arena. The motivation for spending her fortune to create Fashion Stadium was to encounter new original looks which could be called true artistic creations. To realize her dream, she secretly started choosing the top divas of various styles of fashion, and she named her women the Iron Divas: the invincible women of cosmetollogical skills. Iron Diva Superb**** is Alexandra Griffin. Iron Diva Waif is Anastasia Rowe. Iron Diva Posh is Tiffany Blum-Deckler. And Quinn Louise Morgandorffer is Iron Diva Princess. Fashion Stadium is the arena where Iron Divas await the challenges of master fashion plates from around the world. Both the Iron Diva and challenger have one hour to tackle the theme ingredient of the day. Using all their senses, skill, creativity, they are to prepare artistic makeovers never seen before. And if ever a challenger wins over the Iron Diva, he or she will gain the people's ovation and fame forever. Every battle, reputations are on the line in Fashion Stadium, where master divas pit their artistic creations against each other. What inspiration does today's challenger bring? And how will the Iron Diva fight back? The heat will be on!

Chairwoman Val (Voiceover): If memory serves, there is a young fashion diva who has long desired to walk among the hallowed ranks of my Iron Divas. From a young age, she began to study the secrets of fashion and self-beautification. So great was her dedication that she would sacrifice anything and everything in the name of looking good. Even going under the knife. But a tragic rhinoplasty accident nearly ended her popularity forever. However, even this setback would not stop her climb to the top! With a new nose and a new determination, she threw herself back into the world of fashion. Her daring new sense of cutting edge style soon set the fashion world ablaze. Now she stands ready to take her place among the pantheon of fashion gods. She will challenge one of my elite Iron Divas and if she wins, she will take the fallen Diva's place among my Champions of Fashion. Now, Brooke Wannamaker, the time has come to show Fashion Stadium what you are truly made of!

Brooke (in interview): Its my time to be in the spotlight, damn it!

[Cue Iron Diva opening theme music.]

Upchuck: Hello everyone and welcome to Fashion Stadium! We've got one doozy of a dust up here today. Long time rival of the Iron Divas, Brooke Wannamaker, is here to make her play to actually replace one of our lovely ladies. Never before has such a thing ever happened here in Fashion Stadium. I'm Charles Ruthheimer III. Joining me here for this historic match up, as always, is my esteemed co-host, Michael Mackenzie.

Mack: A pleasure, Charles, as always.

Upchuck: And joining Mack and I here today are our special guests. First, she's the daughter of one of Lawndale's first families and world renowned master of jaded ennui, Elsie Sloane.

Elsie: The pleasure is all yours, I'm sure.

Upchuck: And he's the star of the Lawndale Lions football team, Kevin Thompson.

Kevin: I'm the QB!

Upchuck: And now here's our Chairwoman.

Chairwoman Val: Today, we make history in my Fashion Stadium. For the first time, one of my Iron Divas will put not just her pride and reputation on the line, but her very position as Iron Diva as well. And what challenger could be worthy of this once in a lifetime opportunity? None other than fashion maven Brooke Wannamaker!

[Brooke enters Fashion Stadium to much pomp and fanfare.]

Chairwoman Val: And now, I summon the Iron Divas.

[Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany rise up out of the stage. Quinn rises up on a separate platform, the Three Js at her feet, waiting on her hand and foot.]

Chairwoman Val: And so, Brooke, who shall you challenge?

Brooke: Quinn Morgendorffer! Get your butt down here, you skank!

Upchuck (voiceover as a montage of Quinn plays): Quinn Louise Morgandoffer. The most recent addition to the Iron Divas but a born master of fashion. With a winning smile, warm personality and beautiful bouncy hair, she was destined to be an Iron Diva. Always able to land on her feet, if there's anything she doesn't know about looking good, she can certainly fake it with the best of them. Her popularity is unprecedented. Every man wants her; Every woman wants to be her. The whole world is in love with Iron Diva Princess!

Chairwoman Val: For a battle as important as this, no ordinary ingredient will do. It must be something that truly challenges both of you, and pushes your skills to their limits.

[Something rises up in front of Val a colorful sheet covering it.]

Chairwoman Val: The secret ingredient is ...

[She pulls off the sheet to reveal Daria and Jane tied to chairs, gags in their mouths]

Chairwoman Val: MISERY CHICK!

--WacoKid

The old sailor stepped off the bus and looked up at the city hall. City of Lawndale read it's sign. He looked at a piece of paper he'd pulled from his pocket. He smiled and put the paper back in his pocket.

He buttonholed a passing citizen and asked for directions. The man made a few gestures as he told the old fellow directions. The sailor thanked him and left, hobbling down the road.

Trent wondered why anyone would want dierectons there, much less an old salt like that.

In about fifteen minutes he came upon the school, Lawndale High, and stood looking at it for a minute. He wiped a tear from his eye and swallowed hard. After all these years, all these years of searching...

He knocked his pipe against his shoe to make sure there was no fire left in it. Crazy times that a grown man couldn't smoke inside. He put the unlit pipe back in his mouth, clenching it tightly in his teeth, then started resolutely to the office.

There he recieved his visitor's pass and got the directions he needed. He walked off down the hall and came to a closed door. He could hear him inside, lecturing.

He nervously rubbed the tatoo of an anchor on his forearm, cleared his throat, adjusted his hat, and opened the door, swaggering in as if he owned the place.

Anthony DeMartino looked up. His eyes bulged. Daria would later confide to Jane that this time she feared they were going to take flight for sure. He uttered a single word, "YOU!!!"

Popeye then flung his arms wide and said, "Shiver me timbersk, Swea'pea! Is that any waysk ta greetsk yer ole man?!?"

--Guy Payne

We see Jane, dead on the ground, and wearing that awful dress Daria had to wear at the wedding. Daria is digging a grave.

DARIA: And to think she didn't believe me when I told her I would kill her and bury her body in that dress...

--Aaron Adelman

Daria and Trent tying the knot, while Jesse smokes in church and can't find the rings.

Trent: Nothing lasts forever/ And we both know hearts can change.

Later during the closing solo, Everybody is morning Daria except the Fashion Club, which takes off in the Honymoon car looking for a mall.

--Ben Breeck

The Fashion Club rounded the corner on their way to Vice President Quinn Morgendorffer's house. As usual, their talk centered around fashion, boys, and matching their outfits to the interior of their date's car. It wasn't until a bark was heard that the talking stopped.

"Lassie?" Quinn looked at the collie as it came up to her. "What is it?" The dog barked, snuffed, and wiped at its nose with a paw. "Brooke's wearing an eyeshadow that clashes with her lipstick?" The dog nodded. "Show me, Lassie." As she broke into a run behind the dog, the other members of the Fashion Club stared.

"That dog," Tiffany said, "is ssooo smart."

"Like," Sandi added, "I wonder how she trained it like that?"

"Quinn is so lucky to have such a smart dog," Stacy said, adding her two cents.

"And you're sure Brooke is actually wearing that stuff?" Jane asked Daria as they crouched behind some bushes.

"Somehow Lassie just seems to know," Daria told her with a shrug.

"So why is this a good thing?"

"Brooke lives on the far side of town. By the time Quinn gets there, she'll have run a marathon." Daria smirked, "That's how it always works."

"So, how did you train Lassie to do this?"

"I didn't." Daria looked at her, "I thinks it's his revenge for Quinn calling him Lassie."

"Huh?"

"Lassie is a girl's name, Jane. But, he's a boy." When she saw Jane's smirk, she added, "I don't think he's ever forgiven her for that."

With a chuckle, Jane said, "Good dog, Lassie. Good dog."

--Ranger Thorne

Daria stood by the massive stack of books and smiled a weary smile. This would probably hold her for the year 2007, she thought, if she resisted the temptation to speedread. She looked past the stack to other stacks sitting on the front steps of the great library, between the massive stone lions, with placards marked 2006, 2005, 2004...

Now the hard part, getting them back to her shelter. There was little hope of getting help with the arduous task since she was, as far as she knew, the last living human on earth. It was so terribly sad that the library’s roof was so badly damaged. It would have been the perfect home for her.

Daria started down the steps toward the little hand cart that had once been the livelihood of a rag collector. He didn’t need it anymore... a chunk of rubble rocked under her foot, turning her ankle. She lost her balance and fell headlong down the steps.

Daria regained consciousness. She could tell she was regaining cousciousness because she ached all over. And there were several shooting pains that could turn out to be worse than the aches. She opened her eyes. The world was a blur.

Daria painfully propped herself up and put a hand to her face. Her glasses were not there. A cold knot of dread formed in her stomach, and she began feeling frantically around her for them. Well she remembered the day she’d picked them up. The optometrist told her they were one of the most difficult pairs he had ever made.

Daria forced herself to calm down and think. After a minute, ignoring the pain, she began feeling her way straight back up the steps from her current position, thoroughly feeling as far as she could reach to either side on every step as she went. On the fifth step up, she found them. The lenses were totally smashed. Daria sat there on the library steps, feeling the few shards of glass that remained in the frames, as the enormity of her loss soaked in.

Rod Serling walked on from stage left. Facing straight into the camera, he said “Case in point. Daria Morgendorffer, the last man on earth. All she wanted was some time alone, time to catch up with her reading, undisturbed by the dimwits and numbskulls that made her life heck. Lucky Daria Morgendorffer. Her wish has been granted... In the Twilight Zone." (cue Twilight Zone closing music)

--Galen Hardesty

. . . she was, as far as she knew, the last living human on earth. . . . Daria forced herself to calm down and think. After a minute, ignoring the pain, she began feeling her way straight back up the steps from her current position, thoroughly feeling as far as she could reach to either side on every step as she went. On the fifth step up, she found them. The lenses were totally smashed. Daria sat there on the library steps, feeling the few shards of glass that remained in the frames, as the enormity of her loss soaked in.

"Well," she said aloud, "at least it can't get any worse."

Just then, it began to rain.

"I guess this is as bad as it gets," she added.

Just then, a tornado came out of the sky and headed toward her. She buried her face in her hands. "No," she moaned, "please don't let it get any worse than--"

"Yo! Daria!" shouted Kevin Thompson, running toward her from the street. "Cool! I thought I was the last person alive, but now I've found you! Wanna be my babe? I mean, you're sort of a misery geek, but maybe I could dig on you if I kept my eyes closed and you didn't say anything, right? Can you squeal and put your hair in pigtails and twirl them with your fingertips? That would totally rock!"

--Roger E. Moore

Daria Morgendorffer was known from British Columbia to Southern California as the meanest lumberjack to ever crosscut a sequoia, but she finally met her match the day the giant with the two-bladed axe and the big blue ox sauntered into camp.

--Roger E. Moore

As Daria approached the lockers, she saw Jane had already arrived.

"Hey," she said to her only friend.

"Ah!" Jane jumped and spun in one simple motion. Before she had even touched down, Daria could tell that she hadn't slept much if at all.

"You okay? Trent told me that you'd already left this morning."

"Uh," Jane looked away. She seemed to try to speak a few times before she plastered a fake grin on her face and asked, "Hey, Daria, remember when you surprised me in the hall by blurting out that you'd kissed my boyfriend?"

"Yeah," Daria frowned.

"Well," Jane held her hands out to her sides, "surprise."

"Excuse me?"

"Uh, I kissed Tom last night."

"Excuse me?"

"I said that I kissed your boyfriend."

"Oh."

"Is that all you have to say about it?" Jane yelled. She ignored the people who were now staring as she continued, "Daria, I kissed your boyfriend, and you treat it like its nothing. Go on, tell me off, hit me, do something!"

"What, like punch you?" Daria shook her head, "I'm not going to do that, Jane. Besides, it's your turn to have him."

"Huh?"

"You dated him for a while, then I dated him, right?" When Jane nodded, Daria shrugged, then said, "Well, in a few months, I'll take him back. We'll just trade him off until we're both bored with him."

Jane thought about it, "You mean, you'll tell me in a few months that you've kissed him again?"

"Yep."

"And then, if I feel like it, I can have him back a few months later?"

"Yep."

Jane thought some more. "You know," she said, grinning, "I think you've got something, there."

"That's why I'm the brain," Daria told her. "Now come on or we'll be late for class."

--Ranger Thorne

Little did Daria and Jane know that, a few months later, Staci Rowe would throw a wrench in their little plan.

--Ranchoth

Of course, Tom couldn't help but notice Stacy in her skin-tight leather pants and matching bustiere.

--WacoKid

This is going to be tough to explain, Daria thought as she looked down at the mound of nude photos of Ms. Li that had fallen from her newly opened school locker and landed right at Jane's feet.

--Roger E. Moore

This is going to be tough to explain, Daria thought as she looked down at the mound of nude photos of Roger E. Moore that had fallen from her newly opened school locker and landed right at Jane's feet.

--Ranger Thorne

Kevin Thompson moped along the hallway, jostled by the kids hurrying to vacate Lawndale High for the day. They were heading home, or to the mall, or Burger Bear or Pizza King, or just out. But not Kevin. Kevin had detention. Detention every day until he caught up with his history homework, and had a passing grade in the class. There were no ‘bys’ for Kevin this year. He groaned. Mr. D might as well have said ‘detention forever’.

Well, it wasn’t as if he had anything better to do, or anywhere to go. He was ineligible for sports this year. He couldn’t even play basketball or (shudder) soccer. And he had no babe. Brit was in college, and none of the current cheerleaders would date him, because he wasn’t on the team. None of the other girls would date him either. He’d hit on practically every senior girl and most of the juniors, even some of the ugly ones, and no joy. He had no status to confer, and he’d finally realized that, apart from his former status as QB, he wasn’t that great a catch. Kevin sighed bitterly as he entered the detention classroom. It was going to be a long year.

Mrs. Bennett looked up as Kevin entered. “Kevin, Ms. Li wants to see you in her office,” she said, and went back to grading papers.

The halls were nearly empty now, as Kevin trudged toward the principal’s office. He’d once thought of Ms. Li as kind of a friend because she used to help him get around certain rules, but now he knew that, as an ex-QB, he had no friends. Well, things at Lawndale High could hardly get any worse for him. On the other hand, there was a vague fear in the back of his mind that, if anyone could make his life worse, Ms. Li could.

“Close the door, Kevin,” said Ms. Li as he entered. He pushed the door to, and heard it lock as it closed. As he turned, he noticed that her hair was in pigtails, and she was wearing the same shade of lipstick as Brit used to wear, and… his blood ran cold as she stood up… a Lawndale High cheerleader’s uniform. A tight one.

--Galen Hardesty

“Close the door, Kevin,” said Ms. Li as he entered. He pushed the door to, and heard it lock as it closed. As he turned, he noticed that her hair was in pigtails, and she was wearing the same shade of lipstick as Brit used to wear, and… his blood ran cold as she stood up… a Lawndale High cheerleader’s uniform. A tight one.

"Wow!" Kevin said in amazement. "That's perfect! You ready to go cruising for chicks with me?"

"You bet!" cried Ms. Li, and they ran all the way down the back stairs to Kevin's Jeep, to begin their dual assault on the helpless tavern population of Lawndale after dark.

--Roger E. Moore

The fanfic author sat at the desk tapping at the keyboard, not noticing the spirit of the schizophrenic woman that used to live in Daria's room slipping into the author's brain to posess it.

Ten minutes later, the spirit left shaken. She trembled in fear and thought, "That crazy I'm not!"

--Guy Payne

Feeling a restless presence in the room, the fanfic author looked behind him. The freckles rose at the back of his neck as he saw the spirits of his needful fans floating there, clutching pitchforks, potato forks, pointy pastries, and dried octopi. Tormented with an unholy hunger, they gestured menacingly at him to write more, always more. Their eyes glowed with the consuming fire of their need, and the points of their pointy things gleamed with pointiness.

With a thrill of dread, the fanfic author turned back to his keyboard, and his fingers redoubled their tapping

--Galen Hardesty

"I love you, too, Spock!" cried Captain Kirk, and they melted in each other's arms in the throes of interstellar passion.

"There," said Ted, with a sigh of relief. He cut and pasted the document into the Star Trek fanfic message board, posted it, and shut off his computer. Maybe now Daria would stop calling him up in the middle of the night, asking him to write another K/S story.

--Roger E. Moore

This is going to be tough to explain, Daria thought as she looked down at the mound of nude photos of Veronica that had fallen from her newly opened school locker and landed right at Jane's feet.

--A.J.

But it wasn't until Ms. Li told him to bend over and bite the pillow that Kevin began to cry.

--WacoKid

Daria, Jane, Tom, the three J's, and Mack stood back in their grease covered overalls and admired their handiwork. Before them was a shiny new Lexus that they had just disassembled and rebuilt in the principal's office. Kevin finished the project by reattaching the vanity plate saying "PRN C PAL" on the car's rear bumber.

"Well, amiga, I've got to say, we really outdid ourselves."

"With a little help from our friends," Daria answered, "This is just too perfect to be true."

Mack smiled. "I never thought we'd ever get that frame in the door."

"Yeah, took some doin', Mack Daddy."

"What have I... oh, never mind."

"I've got to remeber to thank Quinn for the loan of you three," said Daria to the three J's.

"Well, don't take this wrong," said Jamie, "But we never expected a girl to come up with a senior prank this good."

"Yeah, man," said Jeffie, "this rocked!"

"You got that right," said Joey.

"Hey, Tom," said Jeffie, "What's the matter? You suddenly got that long face."

"Well, Jeffie-lube, I just spotted the one little fly in our ointment."

"You worry too much," said Daria, "We'll wipe it down well enough to remove any fingerprints."

"And I've got some skunk oil to throw the bomb-sniffing dogs off the track," said Mack.

"It's not that," said Tom.

"Then what?" Jane said, glowering.

"The car is between us and the door."

They stared at him, then at the door, then at the car, then back at Tom. Daria opened her mouth to say something, when they heard the sound of a key in the lock.

--Guy Payne

Trent wasn't sure how to respond when Daria pulled out a knife and screamed, "I'm pregnant, you're the father and I'm going to kill all three of us!"

--WacoKid

Trent wasn't sure how to respond when Daria pulled out a knife and screamed, "I'm pregnant, you're the father and I'm going to kill all three of us!"

so he did what he did best: fell asleep.

--Angelinhel

Trent wasn't sure how to respond when Daria pulled out a knife and screamed, "I'm pregnant, you're the father and I'm going to kill all three of us!"

But he did know that his feet had better not fail him now.

--Guy Payne

As Jane finished vomiting into the toilet yet again, she yelled at Tom.

"This is all your fault, you bast- oh God! "

She vomited again.

"Hey," Tom said indignently, "It takes an egg to, you know!"

"My egg - BLURF! - was just sitting there minding its own bus- HURK! - business!"

"Please," Tom snorted, "Your egg was strolling down Fallopian Lane, calling out, 'Hey sailor!'"

--WacoKid

This is going to be tough to explain, Kevin thought as he looked down at the bleating ewe that had fallen from his newly opened school locker and landed right at Brittany's feet.

Jane looked up from the stack of nude photos of Sandi that had just fallen out of Daria's locker and said, "I think he's trumped ya, Morgendorffer."

"Damn overachieving jocks," she replied.

--Guy Payne

This is going to be tough to explain, Daria thought, as the stacks of Cole Porter sheet music and a book on brainwashing tumbled out of her locker at Ms. Li's feet.

"What's THIS?"

No, this is going to be tough to explain, Daria winced, as Li held up a remote-control for all of the school's primary systems that tumbled out neatly on top of the sheet music.

"And what's THIS?"

"No, don't-"

Daria's head drooped as Li pished a button, disco lights started flashing through the hallway, and the football team - dressed up like dancers from 'Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert' - sashayed their way out of the gymnasium as 'Shake Your Groove Thing' blared out over the loudspeakers.

Daria lifted up her head to speak, but Li held up her hand.

'Don't even try.'

--Brother Grimace

This is going to be tough to explain, thought Ms. Li as the school board began scanning through the gigabytes of porn movies of the cheerleaders and football team stored on the bank of servers in her private inner office.

--Galen Hardesty

This is going to be tough to explain, thought Kevin. He stalled for time. "Uh, could you repeat the question, Mr. D?"

Tony DiMartino's eye bulged a little and he smiled a very uncomforting smile. "Certainly, Kevin! Why did the United States declare war on Japan on December 8th, 1941?"

--Galen Hardesty

This is going to be tough to explain, thought Daria as Jane, Tom, Trent and Amy walked in on the middle of the Fashion Club giving Daria a makeover.

--WacoKid

Can't wait to see Kevin's face when he gets a load of these, Daria thought as she left Dr. Shar's office with an empty bank account and a 38DD bustline.

--Roger E. Moore

This is going to be tough to explain," thought Tom and Quinn as Daria stood gaping at them, both naked in Quinn's bed.

--M Man

This is going to be tough to explain, thought Daria when Quinn opened the door and caught her older sister naked in bed with Dogbert, Garfield, Opus, and Marge Simpson.

--Roger E. Moore

This is going to be easy to explain, thought Steven as he eagerly began deleting this insane thread. God, I love my mod powers...

--Steven Galloway

Serves me right for not wearing glasses to bed, thought Daria ruefully as she and Tom waited for the paramedics to arrive and put an end to the disastrous evening that began when Daria mistook the tube of superglue for the K-Y jelly.

--Roger E. Moore

"This is going to be really tough to explain," thought Daria as she opened Quinn's bedroom door and saw Tom, Quinn, and herself , all naked in Quinn's bed.

--Roentgen

"This is going to be really tough to explain," thought Daria as she opened Quinn's bedroom door and saw Tom, Quinn, and herself , all naked in Quinn's bed.

"No, it won't be," a familiar voice just out of sight said, and Daria stepped inside the room to see herself, standing beside a broadcast-quality videocamera. "I've been waiting for a chance to do something really over-the-top. And yes, I do read minds. Shuck those clothes and dive in. We'll have some black cherry Kool-Aid later."

--Brother Grimace

Tom winced as the paramedic entered the room, took one look, and backed out again in paralyzing shudders of laughter. 'Are you sure... that you can't... get a vet?' the paramedic laughed, thankfully out of sight of the two teens. 'That's what we did... when two dogs... got stuck togetherlikethat!'

He couldn't stop laughing for five minutes.

--Brother Grimace

"Oooooh! I know! I know!"

"YES, BRITtany?" he glowered.

"Ummmmmm... 'Got to...? Got to catch them all?'"

Daria's eyes widened. I've never seen a man's head actually explode before, she thought as she flicked a bit o' DeMartino off her note book.

Kevin looked around confused. Uh, does anyone know if this is going to be on the final?"

--Guy Payne

"The reason the painting looks a bit lumpy," Jane explained to Daria, "is because I painted it using boogers."

--Roger E. Moore

This is going to be tough to explain, thought Helen when Quinn opened the door and caught her and Jake naked in bed.

"Ewwww! I already know you guys do that stuff," exclaimed an irritated Quinn. "I just wanted to know why you chose my bed!"

--Kara Wild

"The reason the painting looks a bit lumpy," Jane explained to Daria, "is because I painted it using boogers."

The whitish ones in the corner are Trent's, the green ones are mine, the brown ones are Quinn's, and I don't even want to know what's going on with that. And the red ones are Upchuck's. That'll teach him to say "feisty" to me when I'm pms'ing.

--Atimnie

Helen glared at the two, hands on hips. "Sundance! Bad pony! And Quinn! What is the meaning of this, young lady?"

Quinn and the pony exchanged abashed looks. "Well... I figured, if you only do it with animals, you're still technically a virgin, right?"

--Galen Hardesty

This is going to be all too easy to explain, thought Daria as a pile of photos of Trent (fully clothed but asleep) fell at her feet as she opened her locker with Jane watching.

--Aaron Adelman

#1-A Blushwork Orange.
With another fashionable model wearing fashionable clothes, the stream of images came suddenly to an end. Strapped into a chair with eye-lids held wide open, Daria Morgendorffer vainly struggled to think. Thoughts of smiling faces, glossy magazines, nuclear explosions, discarded books, butterflies, pop stars and clothing, clothing, clothing flooded her head.

Desperately, she attempted to remember the musings of her past, These fashions I have shored against my ruins, her memory invaded by the effects of an eight-hour marathon. There was no hope, for the images were everywhere...Silence.
...

'How are you?'
Daria awakened to Quinn's enquiry. With an unnaturally upbeat voice, she responded; Super! Of her own will she soon began to utter 'Fashion good, Thinking bad..', repeating this statement like a mantra.

'Shes like...one of us' commented Tiffany, followed by Stacy shouting Great idea Quinn! 'Oh Stacy...It was nothing. That brainwashing kit was such a great investment! Amidst the laughter of her fellow Fashion Club members, another giggle was heard, louder than all the others. It was Daria.

#2-Charles Ruttheimer III Gets Wilde!
[...]
Lady Barksdale-My nephew, you seem to be showing signs of triviality.
Charles-On the contrary, Aunt Amy, I've now realised for the first time in my life the vital importance of Being Upchuck.
CURTAIN.

--Gregor Samsa

Tom is standing on the second-story veranda of the Sloane mansion, while behind him we see Katherine talking happily to Elsie, while Elsie rolls her eyes. She turns and give Katherine a sarcastic smile.

"Perhaps I am walking along a street at night, in some strange city, before I have found companions," Tom says. "I pass the lighted window of a shop where perfume is sold."

Katherine leaves in a huff, and Elsie begins to put her antique Irish crystal figures away.

"The window is filled with pieces of colored glass, tiny transparent bottles in delicate colors, like bits of a shattered rainbow."

Elsie picks up the damaged unicorn and glowers at Tom.

"Then all at once my sister touches my shoulder. I turn aound and look into her eyes....

"Oh, Elsie, Elsie. I tried to leave you behind me, but I am more faithful than I indtended to be!"

Elsie gazes at the little crystal horse, the little priceless, irreplaceable, heirloom crystal horse, rubbing the place where it's horn had been, then placing it back on the shelf. If looks could maim, her brother would be a basket case.

"I reach for a cigarette, I cross the street, I run into the movies or a bar, I buy a drink, I speak to the nearest stranger - anything that can blow your candle out!"

She leans forward, toward the candle.

"- for nowadays the world is lit by lightning! Blow out your candles, Elsie..."

Elsie picks up the heavy, ornate golden candlestick holder and heaves it at Tom's head.

"- and so goodDAMMMMM!!! You little turd that HURT!"

Elsie sticks her tongue out at him and flouces off, leaving Young Thomas to rub the goose-egg on his noggin.

As the house lights fade and a smattering of unenthusiastic applause rises from the audienc, in a box seat above, Daria turns to Jane and says, "You know, I think I understand now why Tennesee Williams swallowed that champagne cork."

--Guy Payne

Trent wasn't sure how to respond when Daria pulled out a knife and screamed, "I'm pregnant, you're the father and I'm going to kill all three of us!"

Trent eventually responded "Calm down, have some dip"

(Little did Daria know that it was the dip that dissolves cartoon characters)

--Reese Kaine

Tom: I'm sorry, Daria, but she was willing to wear a fur bikini!

--Mahna Mahna

Trent wasn't sure how to respond when Daria pulled out a knife and screamed, "I'm pregnant, you're the father and I'm going to kill all three of us!"

"Cool," said Trent. "No one will ever be able to wake me up if I'm dead."

--Aaron Adelman

Trent wasn't sure how to respond when Daria pulled out a knife and screamed, "I'm pregnant, you're the father and I'm going to kill all three of us!"

"You know," said Trent, "Monique said the same thing when I got her pregnant. Actually, so did the rest of the Harpies..."

--Aaron Adelman

Trent wasn't sure how to respond when Daria pulled out a knife and screamed, "I'm pregnant, you're the father and I'm going to kill all three of us!"

"Hey, wait a minute," he said. "How do you know I'm the father? Haven't you been sleeping with the rest of Mystik Spiral, too?"

--Aaron Adelman

Daria turned to Jane, a trademark scowl on her porcine profile as she looked about the area.

'Okay, now the fanfic writers are running low on ideas,' she grunted, seeing how the bright purple flash of light in the sky had turned every person in sight into humanform pigs. 'This was really scraping the bottom of the barrel...'

'Look on the bright side!' Jane oinked cheerfully. 'We can easily get jobs on a Vogon constructor ship now, and the next time you see Tiffany, you can tell her that yes, this DOES make her look fat!'

--Brother Grimace

As Mack turned on the speaker box, Brittany, Tiffany and Andrea gathered around the desk for what had become a morning ritual.

"Good morning, Angels," the voice from the box said.

"Good morning, Charlie," the three girls said in unison.

And somewhere by a pool, Charles Ruttheimer III smiled.

--WacoKid

Trent wasn't sure how to respond when Daria pulled out a knife and screamed, "I'm pregnant, you're the father and I'm going to kill all three of us!"

"You know," said Trent, "Jane said the same thing when I got her pregnant..."

--Aaron Adelman

Trent wasn't sure how to respond when Daria pulled out a knife and screamed, "I'm pregnant, you're the father and I'm going to kill all three of us!"

"Hey, wait a minute," he said. "How do you know I'm the father? Haven't you been sleeping with the rest of Mystik Spiral, too?"

"Hey, wait a minute," he said, "how do you know I'm the father? Haven't I been sleeping around with a lot of other wom... oops..."

"Okay, Trent, you talked me into it. I and the baby shall live, and so shall you... for a while."

--Guy Payne

"Well, officer," said Daria, watching as they bagged the bloody hatchet, "it was bad enough when Tom squeeked, 'Oh my God, Daria! It's not what you think!' pulling the covers over his naked body, but when Trent pulled the covers back and said, 'Heeeyyyy, Daria. There's room in the middle if you like,' well, you know the rest."

--Guy Payne

Everyone had expected it to be a normal run of the mill week.

That was before the crews for Traiding Spaces, What Not To Wear, In A Fix, Clean Sweep, While You Were Out, Surprised by Design, Rally Round the House, Overhaulin', Monster House, Food 911 and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy decended upon the Morgandorffer household.

--WacoKid

Everything was going well until someone opened the door to Daria's room.

"The screaming broke windows all the way to Oakwood," Daria told Jane as they walked to school the following morning. "Then the cast and crew for every show resigned."

"Any chance they'll put our show back on the air to fill the time slots?"

"Certainly, right after Space Ghost and Max Headroom marry each other and get elected President."

Jane sighed. "Just as well. I always cry at weddings."

--Roger E. Moore

As Dr. Kyle Armalin's body erupted with crackling waves of raw psychic power, warping the very landscape around him, he turned to Daria and sneared.

"Now, young Morgandorffer, witness the power of this fully armed and operational Mary Sue character!"

--WacoKid

This is going to be tough to explain, Daria thought as she looked down at the mound of nude photos of Steven G.....

--DrMike

This is going to be tough to explain, Daria thought as she looked down at the mound of nude photos of Jane that had fallen from her newly opened school locker and landed right at her feet. They look like they had been taken through a window.

--DrMike

Trent wasn't sure how to respond when Daria pulled out a knife and screamed, "I'm pregnant, you're the father and I'm going to kill all three of us!"

"You know," said Trent, "Monique said the same thing when I got her pregnant. Actually, so did the rest of the Harpies..."

"It was funny though when Jane yelled and screamed..."

--DrMike

TOTAL BLACKNESS.

TRENT (VO)
Daria?

DARIA (VO)
(irritated)
What now?

TRENT (VO)
When Jane told you she was a Daria-Trent shipper, did you have any idea she'd stuff us in a crate and send us off somewhere?

DARIA (VO)
Go back to sleep. I'll wake you when we get to Jamaica...

--Aaron Adelman

Trent wasn't sure how to respond when Daria pulled out a knife and screamed, "I'm pregnant, you're the father and I'm going to kill all three of us!"

"You know," said Trent, "Monique said the same thing when I got her pregnant. Actually, so did the rest of the Harpies..."

"It was funny though when Jane yelled and screamed..."

"Mrs. M looked kind of sad though."

--DrMike

'Ahem.'

Kyle made a half-turn, and saw what was almost a mirror reflection of Daria, bearing a distinctive katana - but clothed in purple instead of emerald...

He almost smiled.

'Cullen.'

--Brother Grimace

Holding her ring up to the lantern, she spoke her sacred oath:

"In brightest day,
in darkest night,
no evil shall escape my sight.
Let those who commit fashion blight,
beware my power. . .
Green Lantern's Light!"

And with that, Sandi Griffin flew off to battle the forces of unfashionableness.

--WacoKid

Helen: Can you explain to the court why the police would think you murdered Ms. Taylor and and Mr. Robertson?

Kevin: "I don't know, just because I used to date Brittany, doesn't mean I'd want to KILL her!"

Helen: "Could you explain why you were attempting to paint yourself with brown paint?"

Kevin: ".... I don't know what you're talking about."

Helen: "Mr. Thompson, could you try on this glove?"

Helen (Thinking): "Easiest conviction I ever done........."

--Reese Kaine

"Sandi Griffen," intoned the Guardian solemnly, "we really must question the wisdom of allowing these earthling civilians on Oa."

"Oh, shush. Ever since I first saw this, like, planet or something, I knew it needed a makeover drasticaly, so I invited the Fab Five."

"And girl," said one of the five, "you didn't call a moment too soon. This is just a fabulous challenge! We'll call it, Queer Eye for the Guardian Guys! First thing is to ditch that hideous shade of green! I mean," he said, turning to the Guardian, "what were you thinking, little blue man?!?"

Sandi sighed rapturously. "Precisely why I brought you guys in the first place!"

Guy "GL fan from way back before he teamed up with GA" Payne

"Let those who commit fashion blight,
beware my power. . .
Seafoam Lantern's Light!"

--Guy Payne

This is really going to be hard to explain, Daria thought as she arrived at school in the same predicament as the previous night. Because the paramedics never showed, they were all at the Ruttheimer mansion after the fire that was caused when a giant inflatable penguin love doll overheated. As she fumbled with her locker in her predicament, photos of said penguin, a nude Upchuck, and herself fell to the floor in front of Jane.

Thank the stars above for the distraction, thought Jane when she spotted the photos, that'll take the attention away from the squirrel superglued to my butt!

--A.J.

Helen of Troy stood at the balcony looking out over the walls of Troy at the prize given to her city by Erik the greek. Now THIS was rich, he wanted to win her back with that crappy thing. She'd have to tell King Jacobus to burn it.

Her mind began to wander to her girls. "Damned that Jacobus and his lies, Gosh Helen, I'm a Trojan, we don't NEED to use protection. I can't believe I was that naive. TWICE.'

Life was good here in Troy, but the time just flew by, soon it would be time to find two worthy men for her daughers. Quinnifel, could certainly have her pick of men. She'd inherited her mothers renown beauty, and already had the younger soldiers ready to stab each other for her amusement, but Dariella prefered stabbing them with her wit instead. Many a lad had fallen victim her sharp tongue.

Noises below caught her attention, the great gates were opening and Jacobus was nearly dancing with glee in the courtyard. He saw her looking out and called up with glee, "Look Helen, it's a giant horsey!"

--Thea Zara

As Tedalus, Kevinius, and Mackius watched from behind a rock, the Trojans pulled the massive horse into the city.

"Okay," said Mackius, "What now?"

"Well," said Tedalus with relish, "we wait until nightfall. Then you, me, and Kevinius jump out of the horse and open the gates."

Tedalus and Kevinius smile and high five each other, but Mackius looks pensive.

"Who jumps out?"

"You, me, and Kev... uhhhhh..."

Mackius starts to beat his head against the rock.

Tedalus perks up and says, "Okay, maybe if we build a giant wooden badger..."

Mackius starts to hit Tedalus about the head, while Kevin grins and says, "Boy, won't they be surprised!" Then he looks confused and is just about to figure it out, when...

There is the sound of a giant sproing from behind the walls of Troy and the horse flies through the air, arcing down towards Tedalus, Kevinius, and Mackius.

"Run away!" they cry and leave poor Jeffius to be squished under the descending equine, as the author sits off to the side, mouth open and turned skyward, hoping for another rain of flaming 'maters. Heavens! They're tasty!

--Guy Payne

"Hey there, amiga, how's it smurfin'?"

"Just smurfy," Misery Smurf deadpanned to her friend, Alternative Smurf.

"Well, its about to get smurfier. Here comes the Fashion Smurfs."

"But, Biiiiiitchy," Princess Smurf whined, "I could neeeeeeever take your place as president! All of us think you've done a smurfy job, don't we?"

"Of course we do!" Mousy Smurf squeaked.

"Yeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah." Vacuous Smurf droned.

"Smurfly a smurf coversation," Misery Smurf said as the others Smurfs passed.

"I wonder where the smurf my brother is?" Alternative wondered. "He should've been here to pick us up by now."

Meanwhile, on the other side of Smurfdale, Narcoleptic Smurf lay on the sidewalk, fast asleep.

--WacoKid

In response to constant queries of how Daria manages to keep Trent's interest despite several decades of close contact, the happy couple decides to demonstrate to the people of Lawndale what they do in their bedroom.

--Aaron Adelman

"His name is Checkers, and Tricia says we're going to keep him."

"Oh, God, TREEEENT! Don't stop! Don't stop! Beat the goat again!"

"Ba-a-a-a-a-a!"

"Take that, Ho Chi Minh!"

"Yeeeeeeeeeeesssssss!!!"

--Guy Payne

Daria and Goliath.
There was no work to be done, and only repeats of inane television programs. In a rather bored mood, Daria and Jane sat quietly pondering, when suddenly an answer presented itself. "How about we go out for pizza? If we're going to be bored, we may as well do so outside of this house" Jane suggested.

Before Daria could respond, another voice presented itself. Its source was a small, plasticine dog lurking in the corner. It spoke with a drawl; 'I don't know...Darrriaa.' Immediately, pizza was out. Surprised at Daria's rapid acquiescence, Jane asked the only possible question; 'How about we torment Quinn and her cronies?'. Again; 'I don't know....Darriaaa.' This plan was not to be, Daria indicated, to Jane's bemusement.

Surprisingly calm in the face of a preachy talking dog, Daria smiled.
'I don't know why or how he came, but hes been a shining beacon in my life. My life has found meaning. My sarcasm has been rendered juvenile. I who was cynical can now preach!' Goliath ethusiastically barked 'Good for you Daria!', as Jane looked on in horror. 'What have they done to you?' she uttered.

The silence continued. As an oddly upbeat song with no discernable source played, Daria realised what had to be done, what must be done. 'Lets go teach faith to the unconverted! Come along Jane, we'll play Bible Bombardment on the way..' Jane ran screaming into the distance, not turning back, never to return.

..Somewhere in the distance, Mr Gupty grinned;'Good dog Goliath, good dog.'

--Gregor Samsa

And a mask of ol' Tricky Dick himself.

I am not a crook.. Daria enticingly purred .. Seduced immediately, Trent. *Description of carnal acts deleted*.

--Gregor Samsa

"Trent, I'm leaving you. You won't have Daria Morgendorffer to kick around anymore!"

--M Man

As he neared the end of his set, Trent thought back to how he'd come to be a Vegas lounge singer.

--WacoKid

"I can't believe Kevin got all of that in his mouth," Daria said as she looked on dumbfounded.

"Uh huh," Jane said, her eyes glued to the scene.

"And I can't believe Mack carries something that big around with him," Daria continued.

"I can," Jane said, still staring. "Mack's always been famous for having the biggest in the school."

"What?" Daria was shocked.

"Sure," Jane said with a hint of nostalgic fondness in her voice. "I was 14 the first time I saw it. My first day here at Lawndale High, and he just whipped it out right in front of me."

"What did you do?" Daria asked.

"I couldn't do anything. I was too stunned. I swear, before then I didn't believe they made them that big."

"I never would've pictured you being that innocent."

Jane looked at Daria with a raised eyebrow. "Oh? And just what made you think that?"

"Well, I mean you hung around with your brother and his friends ...."

Jane rolled her eyes. "Please, Daria, those guys are all lightweights when it comes to this."

"Even Jesse?"

"Especially Jesse," Jane snorted. "Although Max has impressed me from time to time. But the real champion of that bunch is Monique."

"Monique?" Daria sputtered. "But, how?"

"Hey, you'd be amazed what she can pack away in that stick-figure frame of hers. Almost as much as Mack."

Daria just shook her head before turning back to the spectacle in front of them. "I don't see how Jodie can stand it."

"I asked her that once," Jane replied. "She said it was 'an aquired taste'."

"I'll bet," Daria deadpanned.

"She said it took her about two weeks to get used to it. Now she says her day just isn't complete without it."

Daria whistled. "You think you know someone...."

"Hey, I think Kevin's about to swallow - no, wait, he's choking and spitting it out."

"Damn!" Daria cursed as she handed Jane a $5 bill. "I thought for sure he'd be able to handle it."

Jane shook her head as the crowd in the lunch room began to dispurse. "I told you, no one - and I mean no one - but Mack can handle one of his custom made Supersized Mega-Jumbo Colossal Lunch Buckets. It's just too much food for any other human to eat in one sitting."

--WacoKid

Daria stared at her plate of "Lutefisk Surprise," and decided, "We've got to keep Dad out of the kitchen."

--Guy Payne

The Sloane family began to prepare for dinner, forced to by a lack of conveniently located food outlets, and the absence of their chef. Unusually, the 'man of a thousand meals' had called in sick, puporting to have fallen ill with a severe case of smallpox, and 'by no means having been paid off.'

This was odd, but other events lead the Sloanes to accept this illness. For one, the house appeared to be strangely full of cameramen and technicians bearing television logos. Nevertheless, Tom and the rest of the family accepted this too, for being rich was bound to result in privacy being invaded, for the sake of a reality program. ('At Home with the Sloanes' said the station representative.)

Rummaging through the cupboard for rarely-used utensils, Elsie called 'Where is the pan?' Before her mother could answer however, they were interrupted by Jake Morgendorffer, bearing a mixing bowl and a disturbingly cheesy grin.

It all made sense. In front of the cameras, Jake shouted to the bemused family. 'Surprise! I'm going to be cooking for you tonight!' 'How did you get in here?' Tom enquired. Jake quickly responded; 'It doesn't matter' (A technician in the background waved a key and silently mouthed 'Daria'). 'How do you folks like a batch of my famous Spicy Stew Surprise a la Jake?'

Beaming all the way, Jake dashed into the kitchen, pursued by his crew. Puzzled but content, Tom mused into the camera; 'Well. Beats making our own.'

--Gregor Samsa

Filing the movie covers hadn't been too bad, Daria thought as she stared at her latest assignment. There had been a lot of time to sit to herself and think. Two hours in a dusty back room was nothing compared to some of the stuff she'd done. Repricing everything in the store manually wasn't even really that bad. Sure, she'd been standing for four hours and had only managed to reprice three racks out of 15. This, however, was too much. Her mother would definitely be surprised by the quality of the care at the nursing home some day, she vowed.

It was 7:30 AM on a Saturday. Why was she even awake?

"And these," the upsettingly perky manager exclaimed, "Are our new uniforms!"

Daria continued to stare at the lime green t-shirt that her managers had just handed everyone.

"Of course," she quipped, "because otherwise the humiliation wouldn't be complete"

--Isa Yo-Jo

Daria's bedpartner lit her cigarette for her, and they each lay back on the pillows, filled with the bliss of a fantastic evening of great sex.

Until the door to Daria's bedroom opened, and a sad-eyed dog walked in.

"Daaa-vy," said Goliath, eyeing the young man at Daria's side, "I'm so ashaaamed of you."

--Roger E. Moore

Daria's bedpartner lit her cigarette for her, and they each lay back on the pillows, filled with the bliss of a fantastic evening of great sex.

Until the door to Daria's bedroom opened, and wide-eyed, brown-haired boy walked in.

"Goiliath," said Davey...

--Deref

Daria couldn't believe the extreme pleasure that was filling through her, her eyes squeezed shut and her hands claws that raked down on the bedsheets and blankets athat covered her lower body, hiding the figure underneath-

The door flew open, and a handsome man stalked inside, weighed down by the exo-atmospheric suit he wore. He looked around, moved over to the bed, and looked at the goings-on with a annoyed expression.

"Hal - remove yourself from the female, please."

A tiny metallic tail appeared from the mass of sprawled bedcovers, and Daria continued to sound her appreaction as the movement under the covers cotinued without missing a beat, and a smooth, unusually calm voice echoed through the room.

'I'm sorry, David. I'm afraid I can't do that."

--Brother Grimace

Daria and quinn were taking the bus back from Dr. Shar's office, Quinn feeling somewhat dejected from sticker-shock over the price of her plastic surgery ... is eyeing the container that Daria recieved from Shar, and remembers the Doctor's words:

"Although I shouldn't be doing this, I feel this need to send you out looking drop-dead gorgeous. I don't do this often, but I'm issuing you an instant makeover kit. I want to help you change your attitude, change your life...."

Daria prepared to open the container, but Quinn, desperate to be attractive and popular (Even at her sister's expense), takes the container, opens it, and is shocked to find a glowing green orb snuggled in a foam inset. Quinn picks up the orb, looks at it, and suddenly she melts into a disgusting puddle of goo. Daria jumps out of her seat, and the orb floats in front of her.....

"DO NOT TRY TO ESCAPE, YOU ARE UNDER MY CONTROL........."

--Reese Kaine

"DO NOT TRY TO ESCAPE, YOU ARE UNDER MY CONTROL........."

"Trust me," Tom said smuggly. "I've got an angle"

--WacoKid

"DO NOT TRY TO ESCAPE, YOU ARE UNDER MY CONTROL........."

"Trust me," Tom said smuggly. "I've got an angle"

"WHAT ANGLE?!" Helen accused.

"Him." Tom said as he pointed to Kevin.

--Reese Kaine

Jane and Tom had said everything they needed to say, and now there was nothing to do but sit on the swings in tom's backyard and think of how their lives had gone so wrong.

"One thing for sure," Jane said with a glare. "After this, I'll never have trouble with irregularity."

"Why is that?" Tom asked.

"With friends like you and Daria, who needs enemas?"

--Roger E. Moore

"Trent," Helen said, her voice dripping with parental concern, "would you like to stay here tonight?"

At the sound of a shocked "Eep!", everyone staired at Daria.

"What?" she said defencsively.

At that moment, the doorbell rang again, drawing attention away from Daria.

"I'll get it," Quinn said as she got up from the table. "That's the Fashion Club. We're having an emergency wardrobe coordination meeting tonight. Try to stay out of the living room for the next hour."

Her last words came through the door as she left the kitchen.

"Daria," Helen said, "why don't you and Jane show Trent to the guest room."

Daria mumbled her responce as a mild blush crept into her face.

"I bet you'll just love the floral wallpaper," Jane mused to her brother.

As the three of them walked into the living room to the stairs, they passed the members of the Fashion Club, who were busily setting up for their meeting.

Just as Daria started to mount the first step, Helen's voice boomed loudly out of the kitchen.

"And Daria, don't forget to put your suppository in tonight. You know what the doctor said. If you don't start using them regularly, you're going to need surgery for your hemroids."

--WacoKid

And with that, Daria fell down and died right there on the stairs. The coroner would later list the cause of death as a massive hemmorage of all the major arteries in her brain, but to this day the world still remembers Daria as the first and only person to ever die of sheer embarrassment.

--Isa Yo-Jo

The elder Morgendorffers and their adult children sat around the table, playing their game of cards. Helen was without her jacket and her string of pearls, while Daria sat squinting at her cards sans glasses and turtleneck, cursing the fact that she thought she'd be daring that day and wear her black bra. Quinn sat pouting with only her panties and the baby carrier covering her modesty, trying to figure out how to convince them that the baby's diaper was a part of her outfit, and Jake was down to his Popeye the Sailorman boxers.

Jake looked up nervously from his cards and said, "Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking when I suggested we play a game of strip poker. Obviously we need to play some other game..."

"Shut up, Jake," growled Helen, "I said 'call' and I mean call!"

--Guy Payne

Daria gazed down sadly at her broken body. Sure, she thought, try something light, something non-demanding for a change, a crib course like pottery. No one warned her about kiln explosions.

"Just like in Animal House," people were sure to think, standing around her closed coffin.

Gee, thanks Jane.

"Those concerns are no longer yours," said the Being of Light at her side with a voice of compassion. "You no longer have to concern yourself about worldly things, your rest has begun."

"Yeah," she grumped, "But I was really looking forward to that pizza after class."

"Be of good cheer, Daria. Follow me."

Great, I've landed in the afterlife of motivational speakers, she thought. Disheartened at her sudden demise, she followed the Being into the light.

"Behold," the Being said.

She looked up. Before her was a bridge, a bridge of shining rainbow colors rising from a field of preternatural green.

"Yeah, pretty," she muttered. Then she saw him.

Her eyes grew wide and her heart filled with unacustomed joy, her face beaming as a smile swept like a breeze across her face.

She ran toward him, her arms spread wide. As she ran, she called his name.

"Ooooooopppppppiiiiiiiieeeee!!!"

Opie looked up, hissed in delight and began to waddle towards her, his teeth showing through his grin of delight.

"My oppossum!" she said as she scooped him up in a hug. Eternity suddenly sounded a whole lot better.

Mad Dog and Grampa Barksdale turned to the Being of Light and said, "So, what are we, chopped liver?"

--Guy Payne

"Hey, babe," Kevin said as he slid his hand under her cheerleading skirt and started French kissing her.

"Oooh, Kevie" Daria moaned, returning his wet, sloppy kiss.

--WacoKid

"GET THE HELL OFF ME!" shouted Mack, shoving the still-dreaming Kevin aside and wiping his mouth off. "This is why we don't share hotel rooms together on road trips!"

--Roger E. Moore

"GET THE HELL OFF ME!" shouted Jane, shoving the still-dreaming Daria off the bed and wiping her mouth. "This is why I sleep on the floor when I'm at your house!"

--WacoKid

"Hey, babe," Mack said as he slid his hand under her cheerleading skirt and started French kissing her.

"Oooh, Kevie" Jodie moaned, returning his wet, sloppy kiss.

--WacoKid

"Hey, babe," Jake said as he slid his hand under her cheerleading skirt and started French kissing her.

"Oooh, Jakey" Ms.Li moaned, returning his wet, sloppy kiss.

--Parker-man

Daria crept around the corner, hoping that it would be gone. She knew that if she did nothing, then all would be lost, but she just couldn't face it. It was too gruesome, too deadly, too hideous. Daria still had to do it, though.

Somehow, she knew that this day was coming, but Daria know that we all must face the music at some point or another.

Daria then spotted a flower that she was all too familar with. She plucked it from the ground and suddenly her hair turned blonde, her outfit turned orange, and her hands were suddenly on fire.

Daria knew now that she stood a chance.

In a snapping burst of momentum, she blazes a path of destruction through the flying turtles and walking mushrooms with teeth, and the evil King Koopa. Unfortunately, her only reward was a little midget saying the prince was in another castle.

Daria let loose a stream of obscenities and popped in "Bionic Commnado" instead.

--Reese Kaine

Her first outfit was a form-fitting dress that plunged nearly to her rump in the back, and a pair of two inch heels.

"Does this make me look fat?" Tiffany asked.

"No, Tiffany," Quinn said with a glance.

Tiffany went back into her closet and changed clothes, this time coming out in a pair of flair bottomed jeans, platform sandles, and a black halter top.

"Does this make me look fat?" Tiffany asked again.

"No, Tiffany, it doesn't," Quinn reassaured her friend, but Tiffany went into the closet to change again. Quinn rolled her eyes and waited.

This time, Tiffany came out wearing a baggy sweatshirt and jeans that were two sizes too big. She had stuffed towels, pillows, clothes, socks, whatever she could get her hands on in every available cubic inch of space she could reach.

"Does this make me look fat?" Tiffany asked impatiently.

"Yep," Quinn said with a smile and a nod.

"Good, lets go shopping," Tiffany said. "I've been craving a banana slpit."

--Greystar

"Sandi," Stacy whined, "are you sure this is a good idea?"

Sandi glared. "Were you or were you not at the meeting where we all agreed to do this?"

"Sandi," Quinn said diplomaticly, "I think what Stacy means is that when we all agreed to your plan to make the fashion club look more "urban", this" - she looked down at her 70s pimp suit and floor length fur coat - "isn't quite what we had in mind."

Stacy, wearing a pair of $500 sneakers, baggy jeans that hung halfway down her thighs, a basket ball jersey and 20 pounds of gold jewelry, nodded.

Sandi, in her neon yellow track suit, matching sneakers and top hat, and giant clock hanging around her neck frowned fiercely. "Do you feel the same way, Tiffany?"

"Wowwwww," Tiffany drawled, admiring her teeth in the mirror, "These gold caps are really shiney."

She stepped back and eyed her dress critically.

"Does having one of my boobs hanging out make me look fat?"

--WacoKid

"Hey, bay-buh, uh-huh-huh, come to Butthead," he said as he slid his hand under her cheerleading skirt and started French kissing her.

"Oooh, Beavis!" Daria moaned, returning his wet, sloppy kiss.

"Uh-huh-huh, I'm finally gonna score, uh-huh-hu...uhhhhhh... wait a minute..."

--Guy Payne

"Hey, Daria," said Jane as she opened her door. "Hope you don't mind sharing 'Bad Movie Night,' but my cousin from Texas is visiting."

"Ooooh, like, I know you! This is sooo cosmic! You were Beavis and Butthead's girlfriend, weren't you?!"

Jane stared at Casandra, then with a smile both amused and predatory, looked at Daria and said, "Whose girlfriend?!?"

"Daria had boyfriends," smiled Trent. "This I've got to hear!"

"Yes, tell us!" said Monique.

"Cool," said Jesse.

Could this get any worse, thought Daria, holding her forehead with her eyes closed.

"Ewwwwwwwwww!" said Quinn behind her, "You mean those guys were your boyfriends?!?"

--Guy Payne

Daria knew their relationship was in trouble when Tom dumped the "quasi-rebellious" act, and started his "Vanilla Ice" act

"Yo, yo whassup shorty? MC Slo' an EZ in is the hizzzzzouse! You and I be off clubbin? Or is we up fo a night by da televizzle?"

"Tom, what the hell is going on?"

"Is like dis see, I've had it with the fake out, so I played like I am, rich! Got me decked out with plenty o' bling-bling, and a ride dat da Funkmaster Flex would wet his self! You always said you liked me for being honest, so I stopped wit' da act and stopped playin ya and showed ya da true T-Man!"

"That's it, Hammer, I'm outta here" Daria replied as she headed for the door.

"Yo, girl don't bounce baby! They don't call me Slo an EZ for nuthin! C'mon girl! Don't act like that! Damn it beeyotch get back here! Don't make me cap yo' ass!

--A.J.

As fate would have it, Kevin Thompson was the first victim of the giant alien booger that would soon menace all of Lawndale. . . .

"Daria," said Jane in a cautious tone, peeking over the thick sheaf of manuscript pages she held, "you say that this is the novel you've been working on for the past two years?"

--Roger E. Moore

"Oh, for Pete's sake," Jane said as she relentlessly beat Daria with the tire iron, "Would you just die already."

--WacoKid

"Oh, for pete's sake," Roger said as he relentlessly beat Daria with the angst stick, "Would you just die already?"

"Here," said Steve, "Hit her with The Kiss for awhile."

--Galen Hardesty

The audience was tomb quiet as Jake Morgendorffer and Timothy O'Neill, both with acoustic guitars, played their hearts out and sang at the top of their voices:

'Now don't break my heart - my achy-breaky heart - I just can't take it anymore...'

The two horrid voices were suddenly turned into horrid screams cut short as an explosion of sulphorus flaming rock exploded upwards out of nowhere, instantly incinerating them both in a geyser of unholy heat a hundred feet high!

Grinning as he clicked off the TV with the remote control, Tom Sloane let his tiny scarlet horns retract back into his forehead as he laid back into his humongous bed, Helen Morgendorffer and Janet Barch snuggling up close to him. "Well, that's my end of the bargain, ladies... Oh, and Helen - wink at the camera once in a while... it'll be a little shout out at the 'D'...'

--Brother Grimace

'Kevin, I never knew it could be like this...'

'Daria, you think too much! Let's just do it! It's fun, it makes you feel good, you have a smile on your face all day long! How come you have to think about it when you know you just want to do it!'

A moment of silence. 'Damn. I can't believe that you're right about something.'

'So - we can do it! You really want to do it with me?'

A sigh. 'Life is short - and I might as well; I hear Quinn talk about doing it when she and her friends talk, and they think I'm gone...'

'I hear they do it all the time together - I heard that somebody caught them doing it after the Prom last year!'

'Well...'

'So, can we-?'

A smile. 'Yes.'

There was another moment of quiet.

'You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out - you put your right foot in, and you shake it all about; you do the hokey-pokey and you turn yourself about - that's what it's all about - HOKEY-POKEY!'

--Brother Grimace

"Oh, for Pete's sake," Jane said as she relentlessly beat Daria with the tire iron, "Would you just die already."

"Well, maybe if you had something resembling upper body strength! God, Lane, this is like being bitten to death by ducks!"

"You weren't doing so well when you had it, either."

"You only got it out of my hands 'cause I was out of breath."

Jane let the tire iron drop. "I'm taking five."

"What the hell are we trying to kill each other for anyway?"

"Beats me. You're the one who started it."

"Was not."

"Was too."

"Was not."

"Oh yeah! We were deciding who started it!"

"Oh, yeah."

They looked at each other, then started ineffectually strugling over the tire iron again.

--Guy Payne

Daria knew she was never going to be free, she just knew. She was stuffed, and buried a long time ago when she was stuffed in that chamber with everyone else. It was even worse than the time O'Neill suggested that everyone bond by jamming into a phone booth for three hours (It got worse than that when Kevin had to pee). Daria felt trapped, hopeless, and despair.

But then, there was hope.

Something grabbed her, and pulled her out of the human pileup that had her bound without rope or restraints, simply weight. Daria rose above the others, and was dropped down a chute to freedom, she greeted her savior with love. She also puked up a cotton ball here and there, but hey, she's been through hell.

Daria's rescuer then took another look at her, and then dropped her to the ground. She then yelled, "Mommmm, can I have another?! This one's a brain!!" "Sure honey. Just remember to get rid of the one you've got." As Daria was bleeding cotton from her arms and neck, she heard.... "Oh boy! Rover will just LOVE his new chew-toy!"

Daria then woke up with a scream. And holds her custom-made Daria plush doll, then throws it in the closet. Daria goes back to sleep, mumbing something about murdering Jane.........

--Reese Kaine