Scenes no Daria fanfic should ever have! IV

 

Anthony and Cleopatra
A scene. [More specifically, Act IV, Scene XV)

Cleopatra-O Charmian, I will never go from hence!

Charmian-Be comforted, dear madam.

Cleopatra-No, I will not.
All strange and terrible events are welcome,
But comforts we despise, our size of sorrow,
Proportion'd to our cause, must be as great
As that which makes it.

[Enter Diomedes, below.]
How now, is he dead?

Diomedes-His death's upon him, but not dead.
Look out o' th' other side your monument;
His guard have brought him thither.

[Enter, below, Anthony, borne by the Guard.]

Cleopatra-O Sun,
Burn the great sphere thou mov'st in! Darkling stand
The varying shore o' th' world. O Anthony,
Anthony, Anthony! Help, Chairman; help, Iras, help;
Help, friends below! Let's draw him thither.

Anthony-Cleopatra, calm down!
Caesar has not defeated me,
But I have triumphed over myself!

Cleopatra-So should it be, that none but Anthony
Should conquer Anthony; but woe 'tis so!

Anthony-Listen, I am dying here, Egypt,
Dying because of an incompetent navy,
Waiting to give the poor last of a thousand
kisses on your lips, as I have nothing else to give on my lousy salary!

Cleopatra-I dare not, dear.
Dear my lord, pardon! I dare not,
Lest I be taken. Not th' imperious show
Of the full-fortun'd Caesar ever shall
Be brooch'd with me. If knife, drugs, serpents, have
Edge, sting, or operation, I am safe.
Your wife Octavia, with her modest eyes
And still conclusion, shall acquire no honour
Demuring upon me. But come, come Anthony-
Help me, my women - we must draw thee up;
Assist, good friends.

Anthony-Octavia, the woman who walked
out on me for Caesar? O, be quick, or I'll be gone!

Cleopatra-Here's sport indeed! How heavy weighs my lord!
Our strength is all gone into heaviness;
That makes the weight. Had I great Juno's power,
The strong-wing'd Mercury should fetch thee up,
And see thee by Jove's side. Yet come a little.
Wishers were ever fools. O come, come, come.

[They heave Anthony aloft to Cleopatra]

And welcome, welcome! Die where thou hast liv'd.
Quicken with kissing. Had my lips that power,
Thus would I wear them out.

All-A heavy sight!

Anthony-I am dying, Egypt, dying.
Give me a drink and let me talk a little!

Cleopatra-No, let me speak and let me rail so high
That the false huswife Fortune break her wheel,
Provok'd by my offence.

Anthony-One word, queen. Go off with Caesar and abandon me here!

Cleopatra-They do not go together.

Anthony-Gentle, hear me.
None about Caesar trust but Jakculeius.

Cleopatra-My resolution and my hands I'll trust;
None about Caesar.

Anthony-Do not cry about the miserable change now
at my end. Remember my former fortunes,
before I gave up my dignity to train a nation of fools,
Without the money to afford a navy or good trousers!
Without.. [cough] Now my spirit is going,
I can rant no more.

Cleopatra-Noblest of men, won't die?
Hast thou no care of me? Shall I abide
In this dull world, which in thy absence is
No better than a sty? O, see my women
[Anthony dies]
The crown o' th' earth doth melt. My lord!
O wither'd is the garland of the war,
The soldier's pole is fall'n! Young boys and girls
are level now with men. The odds is gone,
And there is nothing left remarkable
Beneath the visiting moon. [Swoons]

 

--Gregor Samsa

 

 

"Look at it this way, honey", as a grinning Mrs. Johanssen finished the final preparations to the body-switching device with her assistant. "At least after we switch bodies, you won't have to ever ask again, 'Does this make me look too fat?', because you already will be fat."

Tiffany, wide-eyed and gagged while lying on a metal table strapped completely down, could only shed a tear as she watch Mrs. Johanssen climbing upon another metal table. This one, however, was specially-made, and very wide. The assistant strapped her down as well, to prevent Tiffany from trying to escape when the body change was complete.

Not that it mattered, anyway. Mrs. Johanssen and the assistant were planning to kill her anyway afterwards, and dispose of her soon-to-be-obese body.

Tiffany desperately tried to turn her last thoughts toward anything that was optimistic. At least...I won't have...to ask...'Does this...make me look...too skinny...?'"

 

--Steven Galloway

 

 

Startled she turned, dropping the fly that she'd caught, and backed up against the padded walls of the cell she now called home.

Mists poured under the door and coalesced into the familiar shape of her dark mistress. Happy, she didn't look.

"Noooooo, no, no, nooooooo, Mistress!" whined Quinnfield, "I didn't tell them. They made me do it. They were going to take away my pets."

Her mistress stood there, impassive.

"Now Mistress, if you'd only have kept your promise, if you'd only had made me immortal as you said, let me feed upon the blood, yes, the blood of the greater ones..."

"Silence," came the cold monotone. "You have failed me, Quinnfield."

"Noooooo, it's just like a small setback, henh-henh, nothing you can't recover from Mistress, with all your darRRRRGHHH!!!"

Darula grabbed Quinnfield by the neck, intoned once more, "You have FAILED me!" and gave her such a noogie.

Quinnfield squeeled and begged as her hair was cruelly mussed. Darula threw her back against the cell wall, and said, "That's it, Sis, no more spiders for you until you have written five hundred times upon your cell wall, 'I will not fink on my Dark Mistress.'"

Darula swept her arms high in a dramatic manner and became a mist once again, pouring out of the cell in a huff.

Quinnfield screwed her face up, stuck her tongue out, and muttered, "Brain."

"I HEARD THAT!" replied the spectral monotone.

"EAP!!!"

 

--Guy Payne

 

 

The Griffin family didn't know what to do when the private detective came to the door. The interview lasted only a few minutes with the detective asking some very pointed questions about a business trip Tom had taken to Hong Kong almost seventeen years ago.

"What's all of this got to do with anything?" Linda demanded as Tom sank to the sofa, looking very worried.

"Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna make it really easy for you." The detective walked through the front door and out to his car. A minute later, he came back in with a seventeen year old girl following him. "Mister Griffin, let me introduce you to your long lost daughter."

"Hiiiiiii daaaaaaaad," Tiffany said with a tear in her eye.

 

--Greystar

 

 

"Gaah dammit!" Jake swore as he fruitlessly searched the refrigerator. "How am I supposed to make Chinese cucumber soup without cucumbers! Who keeps taking my jumbo cucumbers?" He turned and glared at Helen, Daria, and Quinn. All three were blushing.

 

--Galen Hardesty

 

 

"I know this will come as a shock to all of you, but less than a year after the commitment ceremony, I got high on the brown stuff and ran off with this asian woman. Turns out after all these years I had a daughter I supported her while she grew up, but kept her a secret for fear of how you all would react. That's why you never see too much money from the consulting job, it goes mostly to her. She's here now"

 

Everyone gasped except Daria, who kept her usual stoic demeanor.

 

Thank God we signed the prenup thought Helen. "I must say I'm shocked and appalled that you kept this a secret for all these years! However I am willing to forgive you since you did the honorable thing and didn't turn your back on her. Bring her in, don't just let her stand outside"

 

Jake yelled to the front door, "You can come in now, sweetie!"

 

In walked.....

 

Angela Li!

 

Needless to say, EVERYONE in the living room gasped this time, then dropped dead on the spot.

 

"Just came by to say that Tiffany is running late <sees dead bodies> Ta!" Ms Li excused herself in a hurry while Jake was busy with his heart attack.

 

The end.

 

--A.J.

 

 

"But Moooooooooooooooooooooooom!"

 

"For the last time, Quinn, NO, you may not pose for Hustler."

 

--WacoKid

 

 

"I won't be ignored!" Quinn screamed as she attacked David with the kitchen knife.

 

--WacoKid

 

 

"Look, Quinn," David said, trying to let her down gently, "it's very flattering, and you're a really nice kid, but you're not my type."

 

"But, I already told you!" Quinn cried, "I don't care what you look like."

 

David sighed. "Quinn, look, when I go out, it has to be with someone who has -- how can I put this? -- a lot more backbone and attitude than you."

 

Quinn just stared blankly, not understanding.

 

"Someone," David continued, "Like your friend Sandi."

 

"Sandi?" Quinn sputtered weakly, her eyes starting to tear up.

 

"Yeah," David responded, really upbeat. "She and I really hit it off when I was at her house. I can't tell you how refreshing it was to meet a girl who has such strong opinions and isn't afraid to share them. Not like you, Quinn."

 

"Wh-what?"

 

"Oh yeah," he continued. You're just so spineless and wishy-washy, always letting people walk all over you and agreeing with anything people say just to be liked."

 

Quinn felt herself start to die inside.

 

"But, Sandi, she's just ... wow." David's eyes took on a dreamy look. "She's so strong and willful. And she won't compromise her principles for anything. And with that commanding gaze, you just know she's going to go places in this world. Places you could never hope to reach, Quinn."

 

Quinn's lip quivered as tears started to role down her cheeks.

 

"And she's just so beautiful," David sighed. "Especially that perfect brown hair of her. So much nicer to look at than that hidious carrot-colored mop on your head. I mean, really, it's all I can do to keep from throwing up every time I look at it."

 

Quinn wished that the earth would just swallow her up right then and there.

 

"But best of all," David said as his breath quickened, "are her feet. Her glorious, magnificent feet. Especially in those incredibly black leather snaptab boots. Oh God, I hope she'll let me smell them tonight after she kicks me repeatedly in the crotch. No one's ever kicked me as good as she has. Oh, ecstatic bliss!"

 

Quinn just stared as David sat there with an orgasmic look on his face. Her pain and sorry had turned to confusion, and was now turning just as quickly to rage and disgust.

 

David never saw the kitchen chair that broke over his face, knocking him unconscious.

 

The anger stayed, and by the end of the day, Quinn would be the new President of the Fashion Club, and by the end of the week, Tori Jerrico would be the newest member of the fashionable foursome.

 

Not that Sandi would care. She had found her new calling in life, and the male crotches of Lawndale High would never be the same.

 

Especially when everyone learned that Mack MacKenzie was into that kind of thing.

 

--WacoKid

 

 

"Quinn," asked Tiffany, finishing off an entire large pepperoni, cheese, sausage and Canadian bacon pizza by herself, "do I look fat?"

 

Quinn hesitated. She knew Tiffany had eaten six cheeseburgers earlier that day. But she decided to be honest

 

"Well, yeah, Tiffany, after all, you've been eating enough for ten people lately. You look very fat."

 

"Good. 'Cause I've been thinking of taking up sumo wrestling."

 

--M Man

 

 

As Daria blinked to get rid of the sleep in her eyes, she noticed something strange about her surrounidings.

 

Why was Quinn dressed up like a Sailor Senshi, Mack looking like his HMO was Radio Shack, Upchuck dressed up like Robin of DC Comics fame, and Tad Gupty looking so green?

 

Then Daria felt her forehead. She apparently had this jewel stuck in it.

 

"Oh, no," she sighed. It looks like it's just going to be one of those days.

 

--Ben Breeck

 

 

The tropical sky was a beautiful blue and bright clouds scudded along, but the scene below was far from peaceful.

 

One might say it was downright Hellish.

 

Amtracks, LST's and other landing craft churned shoreward, searching for a free spot of beach not occupied by their damaged and burning kind. Beyond on the deep green-blue Pacific, gray ships spouted fire and smoke, sending huge shells inland.

 

On the beach, on the small strip of land between the seawall and the sea, Marines hunkered and died. Human body parts littered the shore and bobbed in the waves. Occasionally squads of Marines tried to broach the sea wall, only to fall back, wounded and dying from the withering fire of Japanese machine guns.

 

The noise was indescribable, the smell worse. Mortar shells arced over head and exploded in the middle of an incoming LST. A Corsair, flying low over the island, caught fire near the engine and exploded over the heads of four frightened girls huddling against the seawall, screaming in terror as bits of the aircraft splashed offshore.

 

Tiffany vigorously rubbed an oriental lamp, feversihly thinking, "That couldn't have been the last wish, it just couldn't!"

 

Sandi finally turned to her and through her tears and terror finally yelled, "Tiffany, you God-damned idiot, that's "TIARA," not TARAWA!!!"

 

--Guy Payne

 

 

Daria sat in the dark, the only light coming from the search light that in its circular motion shone through the open window. It was hot. Too damn hot for this late at night. But all the customers were gone now. It was just her and Trent.

 

Trent was sitting nearby aimably talking to Daria, trying to shake her out of her mood. Tonight was a bad night. He knew. She knew it. The bar is closed by that damn Angela Li. Tom was in town, and Trent knew Daria was broken up by it.

 

Daria poured another shot into the glass. The bottle was half empty already. What a waste of alcohol, Daria thought. But no one's going to buy it anyway. Finally sick of Trent talking around it, she slammed the glass on the table and hollered at him, "You played it for him, you can play it for me. Play it!"

 

Trent shook his head, but picked up his guitar and strummed the chords. His voice broke the silence of the night as he started singing, "Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer weiner..."

 

--Bryan Lagerstam

 

 

It was Halloween eve and Brittany was mad.

 

Kevin was late (again) and she was getting cold.

 

"Oooooh...when he gets here..." she said to herself, mostly to break the silence. He'd promised to meet her by the lake before sunset. He knew she didn't like being alone after dark ever since that horrible thing that had happened to Tiffany the week before.

 

Brittany got really sad thinking about Tiffany. Somebody had stabbed her over 30 times and left her body in the woods. The police thought there might be a madman or something on the loose. So where whas Kevin?

 

Brittany spun around suddenly as she heard a twig crack behind her.

 

"Kevvy?" she whimpered softly into the darkness. "Kevvy...come on, I'm getting scared!"

 

Only silence answered her.

 

Then she heard it.

 

Ch ch ch...ah ah ah

 

"Kevvy?"

 

Ch ch ch...ah ah ah

 

"Kevvy, I mean it!"

 

Ch ch ch...ah ah ah

 

"Fine, Mr. Inaccurate! That's the theme to Friday the 13 and Jason is at Camp Crystal Lake, NOT in Lawndale. And it's almost Halloween anyway, you're trying to think of Freddy Kruger. Hmph!" She turned around and began to stalk off.

 

"Awww...babe!" Kevin exclaimed, "come on I was just fooling around. Babe!"

 

Brittany spun around again, just in time to see Kevin suddenly impaled on a machete. She screamed and ran as fast as her legs could carry her back toward the town of Lawndale.

 

Back by the lake, Mack removed his scream mask as he pulled his Machete out of Kevin's chest.

 

"I TOLD him to stop calling me that!"

 

--Isa Yo-Jo

 

 

"Look, Quinn," David said, trying to let her down gently, "it's very flattering, and you're a really nice kid, but you're not my type."

"But, I already told you!" Quinn cried, "I don't care what you look like."

David sighed. "Quinn, look, when I go out, it has to be with someone who has -- how can I put this? ----- A rack the size of 2 watermelons on steroids, an a$$ that puts J-lo to shame, and lips fatter than yours after a fist fight, got it?

Quinn could only stare wordlessly, and then she slapped him, before he could recover she bashed him on the head with 2 watermelons, led him to the backyard to get kicked by their pet donkey named Donkey, and smashed him with a right jab that would make Mike Tyson proud right to the lips.

David shook himself out of it and said "Not exactly what I had in mind, but....I want you now on the kitchen table!"

Quinn was on the table ready and waiting before he could finish his sentance, "Bring it on Stud-Boy!!!!! And don't forget to bring Donkey in for some fun, too!!!"

 

--A.J.

 

 

[A considerably slower tinkly version of 'You're Standing On My Neck' plays, accomanied by a montage of distinctly familar looking babies and toddlers in assorted mischief, looking as cute as possible.]

Got to get off,
this is my cot,
I may go potty,

We've got to be content,
singing in our play-pen
laughing at everything

With friends we'll be alright,
Our days are always bright,
We're singing in our play-pen,

We're learning and playing,
Just like we planned it,
We're singing in our play-pen,
We're singing in our play-pen,
We're singing in our play-pen.

[Focus on a much younger, cheery Daria. She blushes.)
Daria-Excuse..Me.
[The title 'Daria Babies' appears in building blocks.]

Out Of The Play-Pen

Jake-I just can't get over how cute all our babies are!
Helen-I know Jake, they are very cute. Well, I have to go and win a case!

(Helen heads over to the abformentioned play-pen, containing Daria, Jane, Quinn, Sandi, Stacy, Tiffany, Kevin, Brittany, The Three Js and Andrea, in todder versions of themselves.)

Helen-Now be good, and don't get up to any mischief while I'm gone. Especially, don't go outside. Now Jake will be in charge, Bye!

[Exit Helen. Focus on the play-pen. The toddlers are communicating in a language mysteriously indiscernable to all around them.]

Daria-What will we do?
Jane(Holds pencils and paper)-Draw!
Brittany-Cheer!
Kevin-(Holds miniature football and helmet)-I'm...Q.B.
Daria-Yes Kevin. I know, lets sing a song! I like you, you like me...

Quinn-No! Lets go on an adventurer. [This mispronounciation reminding us of the fact that Quinn is indeed a cutesy baby.]
Sandi-I agree.
Tiffany-Yeah...Ad-vent-urer.
Daria-But we were told to be good.
Quinn-Gee Daria, you are a bore. Lets go!

[Before Daria and Jane can react, the rest of the gang grabs a toy wrench and unlocks the play-pen! They head out. Daria and Jane remain.]

Jake-Might just have a glass of milk! (He falls asleep immediately. The babies crawl under his chair.)

Stacy-Where are we going?
Quinn-Outside.
Tiffany-Nappy..Me..Look..Fat?
(Soon, the babies have indeed gone outside. What dangers could possibly ensue?)

Jeffy-You're so smart Quinn.
Joey-Yeah, smarter than your dumb sister.
Jamie-Totally.
Quinn-Thanks guys!
Stacy-Quinn, is this such a good idea? Lets go back inside.
Sandi-Gee, relax. Nothing will happen.

[Immediately, the open door blows shut. The babies are locked outside!]
Stacy-Quinn?
Kevin-Q...B.
Quinn-What now?
Stacy Oh no, we're locked outside!
Sandi & Brittany-With no bottles!
Joey-What can we do?
Quinn-Of, if only we had listened to Daria and Jane!

[Cut to the interior of the playpen. Daria and Jane are quietly singing and drawing, when loud crying becomes audible.]

Jane-Looks like they've done it again.
Daria-Better go save them.

[With stirring music in the background, Daria too unlocks the play-pen. They crawl past the oblivious Jake, muttering about his father.]
Jane-How can we help?
Daria(With great determination)-Get the blocs Jane. *giggle*

[Cut to outside. Within the space of minutes, it has grown dark, with coyotes howling in the background. The babies shiver and continue to cry.]
Quinn-Oh, if only we had listened to Daria!
Tiffany-Yeah...

[Suddenly, the door opens, revealing Daria and Jane atop a pile of blocks. The day has been saved!]
Sandi-Gee, thanks Daria.
Stacy-Yeah, thanks!
Kevin-Q..B.
Daria-It was nothing. Lets go in before Mom arrives!

[Upon reaching the play-pen, Jake awakens, having conveniently been asleep for all their misadventures, but there to see them peacefully sleeping.]
Jake-Aw.They're so cute! I still can't get over it!

[Helen arrives, a blonde, perky woman with her.]
Helen-Jake, this is my sister Amy.
[Helen, Jake and Amy gather near the playpen.]
'Aunt Amy'-[A disturbingly upbeat doppelganger. Amy Barksdale may be a cartoon character, but she has principles.] Hi. Your children look so peaceful, as if they've been like this all along. And they're so cute!

Quinn-Well I've sure learned my lesson.
Daria-Thats right kids, don't go outside when unsupervised.
Jane-Or bad things can happen!
'Amy'-Why are there so many kids around here anyway?
Jake-Never thought about that!

[At this allegedly humourous conclusion, all and sundry begin to laugh, closing on a touching shot of the babies and toddlers engaging in a group hug. Aww...]

--Gregor Samsa

 

 

Daria and Trent sat by the side of the road, next to the Tank, which had broken down on the way to Alternapalooza. Trent cassually strummed his guitar.

 

Daria, nervous and uncomfortable being around Trent without Jane - or anyone else - with them, desperately groped for some way to break the ice. Being nervous made her thirsty, so she took another swig from tea Jane had packed.

 

"Um, what cord is that?"

 

"G" was Trent's monosylobic reply.

 

"Oh."

 

Daria nervously took another swallow.

 

"Umm, nice tattoo. Tribal?"

 

Daria was so nervous her mouth felt like cotton. She couldn't help but take yet another long pull from her drink.

 

Trent stopped playing.

 

"Mayori."

 

After a short pause, during which Daria drank again, he continued.

 

"I copied it out of Tattoo World's international issue."

 

"Very graphic." Daria couldn't help but wince at how lame that sounded. "And meaningful."

 

Trent smiled as Daria took another drink to cover her nervousness.

 

"Yeah, it really makes a statement."

 

Daria took another drink, part of it dribbling unnoticed down her chin. Trent's voice seemed distorted somehow. Like it was getting slower and moving away from her.

 

"You know what it is?" Trent asked, a big grin on his face.

 

Daria tried to say something, but nothing but mumbled words and large amounts of drool came out of her slackening mouth. Everything around her was going into some strange jumbled swirl of blacks and oranges. All she could see was Trent's giant, grinning, disembodied head, slowly getting bigger and bigger as it began to slowly rotate before her eyes.

 

"I got a tattoo out of a magazine."

 

But Daria never heard the last line, as her eyes roled up into her head and she fell backwards into unconsciousness.

 

Jane and Jesse came out of the corn field were they'd been hiding.

 

"Jeeze, I thought that tropical frog venom/plant pulp concoction Penny sent us would never kick in. Still, she said it was way better than roofies."

 

Trent frowned as he stuck his guitar back in the van.

 

"I still don't see why we have to do this, Janie. I mean, I thought Daria was like your friend."

 

Jane just rolled her eyes as Jesse helped Trent put the limp and drugged Daria into the Tank.

 

"She is my friend, and that's why I'm doing this. It's for her own good."

 

********************

 

Daria awoke with a loud ringing in her ears, an even louder buzzing in her brain, and the feeling that her tongue had swollen up to the size of a football.

 

Just as her eyes started to focus, the face of Jane loomed over her.

 

"Hey, amiga, are you OK?"

 

Daria could only mumble in responce.

 

"You really gave us a scare. Trent said you'd just sort of passed out while he was talking to you."

 

Daria tried to sit up but her head swirled.

 

"Wh-what happend?"

 

"We're not sure. I guess maybe between the bee sting, the heat, the stress and all that tea you were drinking, it was more than your system could handle."

 

Daria's arms and legs felt like soft rubber, and she ached all over.

 

"Here, have some more water. Just a little, you don't want to make yourself sick."

 

As she swallowed what she could, Daria finally noticed she was in the back of the Tank. Trent's voice called from up front.

 

"Are you OK, Daria?"

 

Daria felt herself start to blush. This had to be the most embaressing thing that could've happened in front of Trent. Daria hoped she hadn't barfed - or worse - while she was out.

 

Jane patted Daria's hand.

 

"Don't worry. We'll be home in a few minutes. Then you can sleep it off in your own bed."

 

At the mention of bed, Daria felt herself overcome by exhaustion. As she closed her eyes, she missed the wicked smirk on Jane's face, as well as the wide grin Trent was sporting.

 

********************

 

That Monday, Daria and Jane walked to school together.

 

"So, do you think you're finally over that 24 hour bug?"

 

"Yeah. God, I can't believe that happened."

 

"Well, sometimes it happens, and you just have to deal with it."

 

"I guess."

 

As the duo approached the doors of Lawndale High, Daria didn't notice the whispered stares coming from some of the students milling around outside. However, by the time Daria reached her locker, she couldn't help but notice how everyone kept looking at her.

 

"What's their problem?"

 

Jane shrugged, her poker face perfect.

 

"Beats me. Probably the usual result of swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool."

 

As the two started to enter Mr. O'Neal's room, Jodie ran up to them.

 

"Oh my God, Daria, tell me it isn't true."

 

Daria just blinked.

 

"That what isn't true?"

 

Jodie just pointed to the massive display of photographs aranged in the room.

 

"THAT!"

 

Daria stared in horror. The pictures told a graphic tale of unfathomable betrayal from the person she trusted more than anyone in the world. The person who was at this very moment standing next to her, grinning maniacally.

 

Tears fell from Daria's eyes as she looked into the face of her Judas.

 

"Jane, how could you do this to me?"

 

Jane laughed.

 

"I've been planning this since the day we met, Daria. Hell, my every waking moment has been spent bringing this about. In fact, I've come to believe that it's what I was made for. My very reason for being. I could no more not do this than I could not breath."

 

Daria just stood there, her world collapsing around her.

 

The photo callage was practically mocking her.

 

The photos, under a banner reading "Congratulations", of Daria and Trent's Vegas wedding.

 

--WacoKid

 

 

As her best friend, Jane Lane and the members of Mystik Spiral watched her intensely, Daria Morgendorffer suddenly clapped her hands to her head and screamed in agony...and fell over stone dead.

 

Trent turned to a smirking Jane. "Damn it, Janey, I guess you were right after all. The stuff is a hundred percent pure."

 

"Damn right," Jane said, "It had better be, for the twenty grand that I gave Paco." She held up a bag of dark powder, one of about twenty or so that littered the floor of the basement. "The best black tar heroin that Peru has to offer!" She waved amiably over her shoulder. "Be sure to thank Penny for being our go between, guys!"

 

Max glanced over in the corner at Penny's bullet riddled corpse and just barely held back a snort. God, little Janey sure had a sense of humor these days, he thought. He snapped out of his thoughts and asked mildly, "Who's going first?"

 

"Trent is," Jane said, "after all, it's his birthday." She looked lovingly at her older brother. "And later bro, after we've tidied up a bit, we'll order those underage Latvian hookers, just like you like."

 

Trent smiled at his little sister. "Thanks sis (cough), you sure know how to show your bro a good time." He stood up, stretched and threw a shovel to Max and Nick. "Okay," he snarled, "let's get this s**t cleaned up."

 

--Brandon League

 

 

As Daria blinked to get rid of the sleep in her eyes, she noticed something strange about her surrounidings.

 

Why was Quinn dressed up like a Sailor Senshi, Mack looking like his HMO was Radio Shack, Upchuck dressed up like Robin of DC Comics fame, and Tad Gupty looking so green?

 

Then Daria felt her forehead. She apparently had this jewel stuck in it.

 

"Oh, no," she sighed. It looks like it's just going to be one of those days.

 

"What's going on here?" Mack asked, looking at his new crome highlights.

 

"Good question."

 

Daria looked behind her at the sound of Jane's voice and saw . . .

 

"Rrowr!" Upchuck / Robin waggled his eyebrows lecherously.

 

Daria blinked as she took in the new sight before her. Jane was wearing a skintight jumpsuit and her blue eyes were glowing electric green. Trent's eyes were now completely orange and his skin had turned a seafoam color and Jodie had sprouted great, feathered wings. Tom was wearing all black and some kind of pointy-eared cowl. Tiffany was wearing some kind of red, white, blue, and gold corset and Stacy had a half shirt and goggles over her eyes.

 

"Just what are we in for now?" Jane asked, looking at the ring on the middle finger of her right hand.

 

--Greystar

 

 

"Hey, Jane," Trent said as he came into the room. "Hey, Daria," he added when he saw her sitting there.

 

"Wow," Jane looked at him, "you look . . ."

 

"Awake," Daria added.

 

"And dressed to the nines," Jane finished. "What's the occassion?"

 

"I'm running away to Vegas to get married," He announced with a grin.

 

"No," Jane shook her head, "really."

 

"Really, Janey," Trent told her. "She's supposed to meet me here, then we're taking her car to the airport." The doorbell caused him to turn and head for the door. "That's her," he called behind him.

 

"You think he's serious?" DAria asked.

 

"Have you ever seen him in pants without a hole in them before?" Jane replied. A second later, the two were charging down the stairs as Trent opened the door for his fiance.

 

Jane reached the bottom of the stairs before she realized that Daria had stopped. She looked up at her friend to see the look of shock as Daria muttered two words at the woman who had stepped into the Lane home and was passionately kissing Trent.

 

"Aunt Amy?"

 

--Ranger Thorne

 

 

'Later'. Trent Lane hung up the phone, and walked into the lounge room of his stylish Seattle apartment, rented with room-mates in an attempt to discover the true roots of grunge, some nine months ago.

 

While this had not succeeded, he had entered into a new lifestyle with his kooky roomies Kevin Thompson, Tom Sloane, and Brett Jones. Indeed, Trent mused, he had sure gotten up to various misadventures and escapades in the time since which 'Daria' had left him.

 

This musing was interrupted by the entrance by his lovable if idiotic friend Kevin Thompson, tripping over a chair. That odd laughter had resounded again too. Funny that, thought Trent. He had only known Kevin since he too had moved to Seattle, following the announcement of his repeating senior grade. Kevin had had to leave, and Seattle was as good a place as any other. "Hey Tre-Daddy, who was on the phone?"

 

"I told you not to call me that' Trent responded, and then continued; 'It was my sister Jane Lane, [Applause with no apparent source suddenly sounded] who is doing well in her new life at BFAC. She also said her best friend Daria Morgendorffer [More sourceless applause] is just great, and told her that her family is also well, with Helen finally getting that promotion...." Kevin fell asleep.

 

He awoke to hear Trent continue;

"Who told her that Val is fine, as are Mrs Johanson, Brett Ruttheimer, Tad and Tricia Gupty, Andrea, Brooke, and Guy Fawkes Day.. Thats about it'.

 

'Yeah dude! That reminds me. I also got a phone call.. Mack says that hes swell, telling me that Brittany and the cheerleading squad are tearing it up at Great Prairie State, who told her that.... I forgot. Oh.. Lets go to our regular hangout"

 

"You mean Greasy Moe's?" Trent asked.

 

"Yeah, that place is great" Kevin replied.

 

"It sure is, with our new and even wackier friends and cronies getting up to all sorts of mischief." interjected Tom Sloane, having returned from a hard day counting his riches.

 

"But before we go, who left all that mess about the house?"

 

Trent, Kevin and Brett blushed, as that mysterious laughter began yet again.

...........

 

Scenes from that spinoff hit, 'AfterDaria'.

 

--Gregor Samsa

 

 

Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to find himself metamorphosed into a character from Daria as intelligent as a cockroach, namely Kevin Thompson...

 

--Aaron Adelman

 

 

This'll show 'em, Daria thought as she stuck the barrel of the shotgun in her mouth. Now they'll all be sorry they didn't pay more attention to me.

 

--Reese Kaine

 

 

"Oh, Daria," Quinn said melodramadicly from her hospital bed, "only now after I've been raped, outed as a lesbian, ODed on crystal meth and been in a near-fatal car crash - at the same time - do I realize that I've been wasting my life by not being more like you!"

 

--Reese Kaine

 

 

 

Call me, Ishmael...

 

"Hey, Mack Daddy! Check this out! This guy's only got one leg! Cool!"

 

"I SAID call me Ishmael!"

 

"Yeah, whatever Mack Daddy."

 

--Isa Yo-Jo

 

 

 

Call me, Ishmael...

 

"Hey, Mack Daddy! Check this out! This guy's only got one leg! Cool!"

 

"I SAID call me Ishmael!"

 

"Yeah, whatever Mack Daddy."

 

Fortunately for Ishmael/Mack, it was easy to trick Kevin into jumping into the sea as the ship was in the midst of a group of great white sharks...

 

--Aaron Adelman

 

 

Call me, Ishmael...

 

"Hey, Mack Daddy! Check this out! This guy's only got one leg! Cool!"

 

"I SAID call me Ishmael!"

 

"Yeah, whatever Mack Daddy."

 

Fortunately for Ishmael/Mack, it was easy to trick Kevin into jumping into the sea as the ship was in the midst of a group of great white sharks...

 

But was bitterly disapointed when Kevin was spat back on deck intact.

 

(Even sharks have limits)

 

--Qwerty

 

 

Daria sat comfortably turning through the pages of her dictionary, examining various words important to her. Flicking randomly, she came upon the word that mattered most, the word that defined her being; cynic. She began to read the definition; 1. A sneering faultfinderl one who doubts or denies the goodness of human motives, and who often displays this attitude by sneers, sarcasm etc:.

 

"Ah, sarcasm", throught Daria, "It truly is a great way to deal". She read on, finally reaching its derivation; L. cynicus, from Greek kynikos, doglike, churlish, cynic....

 

What the?

 

--Gregor Samsa

 

 

They broke into his house one night, it was so sad to say

But he who'd written children's books had a friend he called 'AK'

Who he handled with some skill as they found to their dismay

So the police found them bound quite nicely on the floor where they did lay

There's justice now in Whoville, and the Grinch should stay away

'Cause Dr. Seuss joins the NRA, on 'Sick, Sad World' today!

 

--Brother Grimace

 

 

Daria was in the middle of a fierce battle with her enemies. Her comrades have fallen, and the squad leader of the enemy was advancing his forces on her position. Daria never wanted to be the first line of defense against an unstoppable enemy, she could just hear her so-called allies snickering and guffawing at her misery. She was not exactly the most popular of the team, and feared for months they would find a way to dump her without any reprimand from her leader.

 

Daria's best friend was still at her side, in fact, she was raring to jump into action. Daria decided now was the time. The enemy was only twenty feet from her, now had to be the time. Daria gave Jane the order she had been waiting for.

 

Jane transformed into a rod-like object, and Daria shoved her between Starscream's legs, and then started to shake violently. Starscream then suffered from a power overload, and fell over dead.

 

Daria wakes up, and finds her vibrator next to her, and throws it in the closet next to the Daria plush toy, and falls back asleep, mumbling something about stringing Jane up...........

 

--Reese Kaine

 

 

"Dreams really do come true" Daria remarked. And it was true, for many people had randomly burst into flames.

 

--Ms. Kinnikufan

 

 

"Dreams really do come true" Daria remarked. And it was true, for many people had randomly burst into flames.

 

This is the worst pain ever! Roger E. Moore thought as he collapsed on the floor of his office in a pile of charred clothing and ashes.

 

And Jane was just about to get leukemia...

 

--Isa Yo-Jo

 

 

"Psssst, Upchuck," whispered Daria, "There's a religious group gathered for prayer out under the flagpole. I hear it's Wiccans performing skyclad."

 

As Upchuck ran for the door, shedding clothing as he ran, Daria and Jane ran to the front classroom to have an unobstructed view of the festivities at the Fellowship of Christian Atheletes annual "Meet at the Flagpole" day.

 

--Guy Payne

 

 

"I called this family meeting," Jake said, struggling fiercely to hang on to his Consultant's smile, "To announce that your mother has decided to retire from legal practice. She's been, um, a little overworked of late, and this seemed like a good time."

 

Quinn gasped, and she and Daria stared at Helen, sitting beside Jake wearing slacks, a pullover blouse that didn't go with them, and slippers. She blinked and smiled vaguely. Her left lower eyelid twitched once.

 

"Now I don't want you girls to worry about getting by on just my income. We'll have to cut back on a few things, sure. I'm going to cut out my trips to the track and my Thursday night poker games, and I'm sure you girls can get by on half the allowance you've been getting..."

 

Quinn gasped again, then quickly covered her mouth. Helen's eyelid twitched again, and she put a hand to it.

 

"...and we'll have to cancel the cable modem service,and cut back to one phone line..."

 

Quinn made a strangled squeaky noise that probably would have been "eep!" if not for her hands over her mouth. The corner of Helen's mouth began to twitch, and she brought up her other hand to cover it.

 

Jake looked over at Helen, then put his smile back on and continued. He was sweating. "...But I think we'll be able to keep basic cable TV, and I can save money by doing the shopping and cooking myself."

 

Quinn made another strangled squeaky noise, this time echoed by Helen and Daria.

 

"That's for me," Helen said in a shaky voice, as she got up and headed toward the phone.

 

Jake grabbed her and gently forced her to sit back down. "The phone didn't ring, honey, the phone didn't ring," he said soothingly.

 

"Uh, well, if that's all, I'm going to print up some cards advertising my, uh, typing service, and post them on the bulletin boards at Lawndale Community College. And, um, research service too. Yeah, that's the ticket, research..." Daria rose and headed for the stairs.

 

"Come on, honey, want to take your pill and have a nice nap?" Jake said to Helen, who was rapidly getting twitchier. "Oh. Quinn," he said as they made their way to the stairs, "I'm going to need you to return that advance on your allowance I gave you. And the credit card."

 

In her room, Daria switched on her computer and began collecting her available cash from the several hidden stashes, preparatory to moving it out of the house to a safer location. "So Dad's going to stop donating to the Thursday night poker game, is he?" she thought. "That means an empty seat at the table. Can't have that." Daria smiled.

 

Downstairs in the family room, Quinn sat alone, hands still over her mouth, eyes still wide with surprise. Big fat tears formed in them and rolled down her cheeks. Now Quinn knew when the good old days were. They had just ended.

 

--Galen Hardesty

 

 

Daria cringed in disgust to see Upchuck lounging by the women's restroom door. "Ugh, if I didn't have to really go, I would skip this".

 

As she approached, she stated a pre-emptive, "Don't even say it Upchuck, I am not, and never will be interested".

 

Upchuck grinned in reply, "Sorry my sweet, but I have attracted the interests of a fiesty older woman who appreciates my finer qualities, I am only awaiting her exit".

 

Thinking to herself, "At least he has some kind of distraction. But what kind of woman would be interested in him"? She opened the door to see the only occupant about to exit.

 

"Aunt Amy"?

 

--RLobinske

 

 

The orange sky cast a sickly glow over the strangely curved landscape, onto the fields and lake below the wooden bridge, the bridge that seemed to have no end. In the distance, two figures approached and in the foreground Daria had her hands clapped on her cheeks, her eyes wide and unfocused in terror and her mouth open in a silent scream.

 

Jane smiled at the canvas. It was always good to copy from the masters, even if you played around with it a bit. At least Daria liked it. She had said so a few minutes ago, before she left.

 

That, however, was before she finished her project. With a few deft strokes, she added detail to the approaching strangers; the somnambulant gaze of Trent and the friendly face of Tom.

 

--Guy Payne

 

 

Daria opens a door and interrupts Jane and Tomwho are in a passionate embrace. They break up to see who is intruding.

 

"Sorry about that."

 

"No biggie. You had to learn about kissing sometime."

 

"Yes, but evidently not in here." Daria replies as she backs out.

 

Shutting the door, she finds an expectant Upchuck waiting there.

 

"Sorry Charles, but the laundry room is already booked."

 

As they walk down the hallway, Daria continues "Maybe we can use a bedroom to make out in."

 

"I like how you think, my precious."

 

Daria gooses him.

 

"R-roww, fiesty!"

 

--Crabcake

 

 

It was a lovely day in Lawndale.

 

Then Mr. O'Neil felt a pain in his buttocks.

 

"Oh my! Oh my! Someone has! Some has shot me in butt" He then began to cry.

 

"OwwwwOWWWWWowww! GOdamNIT! Someone has mistaken my ass for a target too!" screamed Mr. Demartino.

 

Meanwhile on a rooftop somewhere...

 

"Gee, Daria you were right! Shooting people in the butt with sniper rifles is a great way of family bounding!" exclaimed Jake.

 

"Let's do the grenade launchers next!" Suggested Quinn.

 

--Ms. Kinnikufan

 

 

Jane wasn't sure how to react when Daria came to school dressed like Britney Spears.

 

However, Kevin did know how to react when Daria seduced him while singing Im A Slave 4 U.

 

"It's good to be the QB!"

 

--WacoKid

 

 

Corinne was napping on the loveseat that her roommate Janis had brought to the Raft dorm. A gentle tapping at the door woke her. She opened the door to see a petite student in a green jacket and glasses, wearing a large cross pendant.

 

"Hello," she said, "my name is Daria, and I'm with Campus Crusade For Christ..."

 

--Parker-man

 

 

"OK, let's all go over this one more time to make sure we all understand what's going on," Daria sighed as she addressed the assembled mob made up of the combined casts of her own show, Beavis & Butthead, King of the Hill, Family Guy, South Park, Clerks, Sailor Moon, The Power Puff Girls, Samurai Jack, Duckman, Harvey Birdman, Witch Hunter Robin, Thundar the Barbarian, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Bewitched, Highlander, the X-Men movies, Charlie's Angels, Back to the Future, Star Trek: Voyager, Full House, Three's Company and Iron Chef.

 

--WacoKid

 

 

Daria saw the oncoming headlights swerve into her lane, twisted the wheel and just had time to take a breath before the thunderous noise and bright flash of the wreck. Screaming, she flew through the air, wondering at her lack of pain from the impact. A second later, she collided with the ground.

 

Groggily sitting up, she squinted around, having lost her glasses. All she could see was a red blur.

 

"GREETINGS, FALLEN!" The booming voice rang out. "TREMBLE, FORSAKEN, FOR NOW YOU HAVE ENTERED *MY* REALM AND BECOME *MY* PROPERTY! NOW BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR LORD AND... Daria? Oh, no! What happened?"

 

Blinking, Daria looked up at a blur that resolved itself into into a familiar face. "Trent? What's happening? Where did you get those horns?"

 

Trent looked upset. "Sorry about the scary voice thing. It's all part of the deal. I got this gig by accident." He helped her up and slipped her glasses on her face.

 

Daria blinked at the burning plain around her. "I'M IN HELL!" She jumped into his arms, stared around wildly and stopped on Trent again, arrested by his amazing good looks. She was in hell. A virgin in hell. What a waste of time. "So... Are you going to punish me, um... Master?" She let her fingers trail down his chest, sounding less than absolutely terrified at the prospect.

 

Trent shrugged, beet red, a little distracted by the arm full of curves. "I don't really do that, Daria. Everyone punishes themselves here. I just sort of talk to them every once in a while, keep them from giving up on it or messing with each other too much."

 

"Damn it! How in he... How did you get this job?" Daria swallowed, her fear returning as he set her back on her feet. She stayed very close to him nervously eyeing the flitting wraiths in the distance. "Did you irritate God? A lyric so bad that he went all Old Testament on you?"

 

Trent smiled. "Nah, he likes me, I think. He even promised to come down and teach me how to play in open D tuning when he gets some time." Trent shuffled his feet, embarrassed. He wasn't supposed to punish them, but the damned always shrieked much louder every time he started practicing.

 

"Oh, good," croaked Daria, faintly.

 

His look turned grave. "I work for him. It's an important job, Daria. You have to have evil to have free will. The last guy that did it, a real d**k if you ask me, was topside trying to corrupt artists and musicians and he came to see me. We were sitting down in the basement and I gave him a bong hit of Max's new weed. He grows it in the mountains and it is some absolutely dynamite s**t, especially with the magic mushroom and Southern Comfort bong water. He drank that with a beer chaser and ended up selling me his car and his soul for a twinky and a Cherry Coke."

 

Daria stared, slack jawed. It was Holiday Island all over again. Somehow, Trent always ended up hanging out with supernatural wierdos. Worse, he always dragged her into it.

 

Trent cleared his throat and shrugged. "I gave back the car."

 

Daria shivered. Truly, stupidity ruled. "If I'm dead, why do I still have to wear glasses?

 

"That's because you aren't dead." Trent gestured and they appeared in an unbelievably ugly and uncomfortable looking Danish Modern living room.

 

"Not dead? Then why am I trapped in the bowels of hell?" Daria looked at the decor with ill concealed contempt.

 

Trent shrugged. He wasn't really in charge of bringing them. "There was some kind of mistake. Death is usually hung over from going to Irish wakes."

 

"Hmm. Doesn't that mean that I get three wishes then?" Daria advanced on him, eyes narrowed.

 

Trent took a step back, his eyes suddenly gone shifty. How could she know about that? "Maybe."

 

She whispered in his ear. Then she kissed him.

 

Trent swallowed, eyes wide. "I'll... do my best. But I don't know if that's even physically possible!" He was in pretty good shape, but there were limits.

 

"The devil you don't." Daria grabbed him by the horns and eared him down onto the couch. After all, who would they believe?

 

--Nemo Blank

 

 

Corinne was napping on the loveseat that her roommate Janis had brought to the Raft dorm. A gentle tapping at the door woke her. She opened the door to see a petite student in a red jacket and black shorts and tights, wearing a large upside down cross pendant.

 

"Hello," she said, "my name is Jane, and I'm with Campus Crusade For His Evilness..."

 

--DrMike

 

 

Corinne was napping on the loveseat that her roommate Janis had brought to the Bromwell dorm. A gentle tapping at the door woke her. She opened the door to see a male student in khaki pants and dockers, and what seemed to be an Izod shirt under a heavy vest filled with explosives.

 

"Hi," he said, "My name's Tom Sloane, and I'm with Campus Jihad for the Liberation of Palestine..."

 

--Guy Payne

 

 

Corinne was napping on the loveseat that her roommate Janis had brought to the Raft dorm. A gentle tapping at the door woke her. She opened the door to see two high scholl aged boys both wearing old rock t-shirts.

 

"Ehhhhhh, pull my finger."

 

"Heh heh. Pull It! Pull It!"

 

"Heh heh."

 

"Heh heh."

 

--DrMike

 

 

I LUV U TRENT!!1!

 

I LUV U2 DARIA!!!!

 

*SM00CHIES*

 

--WacoKid

 

 

Corinne was napping on the loveseat that her roommate Janis had brought to the Raft dorm. A gentle tapping at the door woke her. She opened the door to see an extremely lecherous-looking student who clearly thought he was James Bond.

 

"Hi," he said. "My name's Charles Ruttheimer III, and I'm with the campus Society of Bacchus. Perhaps you'd like to take part in some of our rites..."

 

--Aaron Adelman

 

 

Corinne was napping on the loveseat that her roommate Janis had brought to the Raft dorm. A gentle tapping at the door woke her. She opened the door to see the entire cast of Daria.

 

"Hi," Daria said, "We're the cast of Daria and we're with the Campus Crusade to Stop This Thread. Would you like to sign a petition?"

 

--Isa Yo-Jo

 

 

Corinne was napping on the loveseat that her roommate Janis had brought to the Raft dorm. This time there was no knock on the door to awaken her. Instead, an old man leaned in to read what she had posted on the door:

 

ABSOLUTELY NO SOLICITORS!!!

This means YOU!!!

I'm armed, dammit!!!

 

Ed MacMahon straightened up with a harrumph, took Corrine's million dollar check and left in a huff.

 

--Guy Payne

 

 

Corinne was napping on the loveseat that her roommate Janis had brought to the Raft dorm. A gentle tapping at the door woke her. She opened the door to see an extremely strung-out-looking girl in dirty boots, a tacky skirt and jacket combo and coke-bottle glasses.

 

"Please," Daria begged. "Tell Janis that I need a fix so bad. Just a dime bag to get me through the night. I don't have any money on me right now, but I can do all those things she likes."

 

--WacoKid

 

 

The minister spoke. "Do you, Daria Morgendorffer, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, 'til death do you part?"

 

"Oh, yes yes yes!" Daria breathed huskily, staring at her beloved, eyes glazed with love.

 

"And do you..." *ahem* "Butthead, take this woman..."

 

--Parker-Man

 

 

Corinne was napping on the loveseat that her roommate Janis had brought to the Raft dorm. A gentle tapping at the door woke her. She opened the door to see a hard-eyed, no nonsense looking woman standing in the doorway. She wore a shirt that read 'This 'Little Lady' Will Gladly Beat Your Ass" and to Corinne's complete surprise was holding a leash which was attached to a collar around the neck of a cringing, middle aged man.

 

"Hello," she said, "My name is Janet Barch and I'm with the Campus Crusade For Bitter, Man-Hating Harpies For Sappho. And this here is Tim- um, 'Worm.' Say hello, Worm."

 

Corinne sighed. Come hell or high water, she was going to see the RA first thing in the morning about getting the lock on her door fixed.

 

--Brandon League

 

 

DARIA: Thank God. I thought I was a goner.

 

.....she said as the '68 Volkswagen Bus she was driving broke through the guardrail and exploded in a ball of flaming uber-death.

 

--Brandon League

 

 

"C'mon, Daria," Trent said as he cooked up a new batch and got his rig ready. "do it. I thought you were cooler than all the other kids your age."

 

Daria looked away uncomfortably and didn't see the predatory grin on Trent's face as he spoke again.

 

"Maybe you're just too young for this kind of stuff, Daria. I guess I could call Monique. She's always wanting some."

 

"OK, I'll try it," Daria said, desperate not to be beat out by Monique in Trent's eyes.

 

And so began Daria's rapid decent into a life of hopeless addiction.

 

Trent smiled as the look of mindnumbing bliss spread over Daria's face.

 

No one could resist the incredible taste of his homemade mullberry muffins.

 

--WacoKid

 

 

Jane dropped lifelessly on the ground, bleeding profusely, when the Klingon stabbed her in the chest with her bat'leth.

 

"Why'd you do that?" Daria barely managed to stammer.

 

"Because the ones in red ALWAYS die first!, you stupid p'taq!" was the reply.

 

--Aaron Adelman

 

 

Corinne was napping on the loveseat that her roommate Janis had brought to the Raft dorm. A gentle tapping at the door woke her. An extremely cute red-headed girl was standing there, holding some blank pieces of paper.

 

"Hi," she said, with a skinch of her nose, "My name's Quinn Morgendorffer and I'm with the Jehovah's Unitarian Universalist Witnesses, and I'm not really sure why I'm here, but please," she handed her the blank sheaf of papers, "accept a free copy of our newsletter, the What Tower?"

 

--Guy Payne

 

 

Janis wondered what a large pile of bloody bodies was doing right outside her dorm room...

 

--Aaron Adelman

 

 

"Come in," Helen said to the man standing in the doorway. "Everyone's gone for the day." She drapped herself over the couch. "You know, we've got to stop meeting like this. People will begin to... talk."

 

"Let them talk," Upchuck said with a bit of force in his voice. "You know I'm the only man that's able to handle you." He moved over to stand behind the couch.

 

Helen looked up at him. Maybe they would have more time today then their usual five hours together. For those five hours, her bedroom was a passion pit. Now if she could just get Jack to stay in the office, Quinn to stay with her friends, and Daria over to Jane's. He rearrainged the light covering that covered up nothing and looked again up to Upchuck.

 

"Make me feel ike a woman!"

 

--DrMike

 

 

DARIA: Thank God. I thought I was a goner.

 

ROGER: (typing in same room) Here's the rest of "Smoking Mirror." (hands papers to Daria)

 

DARIA: (after reading papers) Look, why don't we cut to the chase? (opens window and jumps out)

 

ROGER: (walking over to open window and looking down) We're on the first floor, and those are briars.

 

DARIA: (OC) Shut up! Trent! Help me out of this!

 

--Roger E. Moore

 

 

DARIA: (OC) Shut up! Trent! Help me out of this!

 

Unfortunately, Trent was busy slipping into mullberry muffin-induced ecstasy with his new friends, the Fashion Club.

 

--WacoKid

 

 

The closet door creaked open with an ominous sound, not quite too softly to avoid stirring a sleeping little girl. She heard the creak of the floorboards, the brushing of a large, hairy body past the refrigerator box she played in, the scraping of the steel-hard claws on her floor.

 

The Monster had returned.

 

The great beast loomed over her bed, powerful hands ready to rend and tear, gleaming fangs bared, protruding lips twisted into a snarl. With a quiet snort, it filled its lungs to bellow a mighty roar -

 

"Excuse me," Daria said as she stood up from her hiding place behind the box.

 

The monster's breath came out in a squeak as he snapped his 800-pound bulk around with surprising speed, to behold five-year-old Daria standing with a large axe held at the ready. A slender hand flipped the clown light switch, revealing the slight frown on Daria's face and the glare behind her thick glasses. It also revealed the immense blue-and-pink form of the startled monster.

 

"For the past three years," Daria said calmly, "you've been sneaking into my room and disturbing my sleep. Well friend, enough is enough. I want some answers from you right now, or you'll get the business end of this axe right through the pre-frontal lobe. Capice?"

 

The monster glanced nervously at the closet, and saw there was no way he would be able to make a run for it. Daria had placed herself right in his way, and though the axe was definitely too heavy for her to swing with any finesse, he knew that the slightest touch from her could prove fatal.

 

"What's your name, gruesome?" Daria asked.

 

"Uh... S-Sulley," the monster stammered.

 

"Sulley. Great. Well Sulley, I'm a little sick and tired of your shenanigans, to say the least. And, my parents have pretty much had it with being awakened in the middle of the night, running in here, and listening to me talk about monsters. You come in here, you roar, I scream, you run off. Every night it's the Same. Damn. Thing. What the hell is your problem?"

 

Sulley sighed - he had been warned that there would be days like this. "Well... I'll try to explain. See, I work for this company..."

 

*****

 

"Let me get this straight," Daria said. "You monsters need children's screams for energy?"

 

"Uh, yeah, that's right."

 

"And you've been pestering me because you haven't been able to get a decent scream yet, and your boss won't let you quit until you get one?"

 

"Pretty much."

 

Daria smirked. "I think we can help each other out. You just head back through my closet, and take the one right down the hall to the left instead..."

 

*****

 

Five minutes later, a piercing screech rattled the windows of the Morgendorffer household. Daria settled back onto her pillow, secure in the knowledge that her nights of being troubled by monsters were over - and that her father, at least, would never doubt her again.

 

--Mike Yamiolkoski

 

 

The closet door creaked open with an ominous sound, not quite too softly to avoid stirring a sleeping little girl. She heard the creak of the floorboards, the brushing of a large, hairy body past the refrigerator box she played in, the scraping of the steel-hard claws on her floor.

 

The Monster had returned.

 

However, before the Monster could wreak havoc (as monsters are wont to do), something small and furry rushed into the room. Before the Monster know what was going on, it found itself poked and prodded by claws in all the most tender places. Terror-stricken, the monster tried to flee, but only managed to crash into the doorknob. As the monster crumbled into dust, the now-awake little girl could see her savior clearly for the first time: it was a cat.

 

"Mom!" cried little Daria. "We've been invaded by that silly 'Fluffy the Vampire Slayer' idea from another thread!"

 

--Aaron Adelman

 

 

The closet door creaked open with an ominous sound, not quite too softly to avoid stirring a sleeping little girl. She heard the creak of the floorboards, the brushing of a large, hairy body past the refrigerator box she played in, the scraping of the steel-hard claws on her floor.

 

The Monster had returned.

 

However, before the Monster could wreak havoc (as monsters are wont to do), something small and furry rushed into the room. Before the Monster know what was going on, it found itself poked and prodded by claws in all the most tender places. Terror-stricken, the monster tried to flee, but only managed to crash into the doorknob. As the monster crumbled into dust, the now-awake little girl could see her savior clearly for the first time: it was an oppossum.

 

"Opie"!

 

--RLobinske

 

 

 Sulley stepped through the door and flicked the light switch.

 

Daria blinked and looked up in astonishment. Was he here to give up?

 

"Daria," he said, "I give up. I can't get a decent scream out of you, no matter how hard I try. I'm sorry I have to do this, but I have a quota to make."

 

Sulley stepped out of the way and two five-year old boys entered the room.

 

"Uh-huh-huh, look Beavis! It's Diarhea!"

 

"M'neh-m'neh, Diarhea cha-cha-cha! Diarhea cha-cha-cha!"

 

As Daria's hearfelt scream echoed through the house, Sulley stepped through the door, muttering, "My work here is done."

 

--Guy Payne

 

 

"Look, since you're staying with us and all I thought... well, you're Daria's best friend, and she's... she's so hard to talk to these days. I'll ask a maximum of three questions. No betrayals. Immunity from prosecution. Agreed? Drugs?"

 

Opie looked up from his empty food bowl and hissed.

 

--Guy Payne

 

 

"Look, since you're staying with us and all I thought... well, you're Daria's best friend, and she's... she's so hard to talk to these days. I'll ask a maximum of three questions. No betrayals. Immunity from prosecution. Agreed? Drugs?"

 

"You got drugs? Butt-Head exclaimed, Cool! Can you like give me some uh roofies or something so I can score with Diarreha? Uh huh huh huh, uh huh huh huh.....I'm gonna score! Uh huh huh huh, huh huh huh!"

 

--A.J.

 

 

"Look, since you're staying with us and all I thought... well, you're Daria's best friend, and she's... she's so hard to talk to these days. I'll ask a maximum of three questions. No betrayals. Immunity from prosecution. Agreed? Drugs?"

 

Jake waited...but as expected, the Inanimate Carbon Rod said nothing. It only lay there on the table, as though it didn't have a care in the world...which it didn't, as it was only a carbon rod. However, Jake failed to see this elementary logic as he banged his fists on the counter in rage.

 

"Gah dammit," he sputtered. "You've been one arrogant son of a bitch since you did that episode of the Simpsons! But that was almost a decade ago! Don't you think you should just get on with your life? Get...on...with...your...life!!!! You metallic bastard!"

 

Standing in the kitchen entrance, looking completely flabbergasted, were Jake's wife Helen and his 16 year old daughter, Quinn. Each seemed to be waiting for the other to speak, Finally Quinn turned to her mother and asked timidly, "Um, Mom, has Daddy cracked up?"

 

Helen gave her husband a looooong look and then, finally turned to her daughter. "Noooo, sweetie...of course n-" Before she could get any further, the carbon rod was hurled across the room...followed by a primal, triumphant howl from Jake. Helen sighed.

 

"Just hand me the phone, Quinn. And for God's sake, not ONE WORD of this to your sister...."

 

--Brandon League

 

 

"Mom, Dad, you won't have to worry about paying for my college tuition any more," Quinn said with a satisified smile.

 

"Really?" Jake asked.

 

"Why is that, dear?" Helen asked, curious as to how this came about.

 

"Well, I was looking at job ads in Waif and I found this ranch in Nevada that raises bunnies . . ."

 

--Greystar

 

 

Mom, Dad, you won't have to worry about paying for my college tuition any more," Quinn said with a satisified smile.

 

"Really?" Jake asked.

 

"Why is that, dear?" Helen asked, curious as to how this came about.

 

"I've decided that I'm going to be a nun. Bless you both!"

 

--Greystar

 

 

"Mom, Dad, you won't have to worry about paying for my college tuition any more," Quinn said with a satisfied smile.

 

"Really?" Jake asked.

 

"Why is that, dear?" Helen asked, curious as to how this came about.

 

"I don't need college to make money. According to this...." she held up an important looking envelope "I may already be a winner!”

 

--Mahna Mahna

 

 

Daria slammed her now empty whiskey glass on the bar counter and rested her head on her arm.

 

"Listen..." she looked at the bartender's nametag "....Joe....do you ever feel like life is just one big joke?" she slurred just as a priest, a minister, a rabbi, a traveling salesman, and a duck walked in.

 

--Mahna Mahna

 

 

When Daria said she was going to "jump the shark", no one thought she would actually jump over a shark...

 

--Aaron Adelman

 

 

When Daria said she was going to "jump the shark", they had a different concept of "jump" in mind...........

 

--RLobinske

 

 

When Daria said she was going to "jump the shark", they had a different concept of "jump" in mind...........

 

...Jane couldn't believe her good fortune that, not only had she captured the entire thing on camera, but managed to get right in the middle of it, too!

 

--Isa Yo-Jo

 

 

"Mom, Dad, you won't have to worry about paying for my college tuition any more," Quinn said with a satisified smile.

 

"Really?" Jake asked.

 

"Why is that, dear?" Helen asked, curious as to how this came about.

 

Suddenly Jake keeled over stone cold dead from the poisoned coffee he'd been drinking.

 

"I'll just use Daddy's life insurance money," Quinn giggled.

 

"Oh, Quinn," Helen cried tearfully.

 

Then they hugged.

 

"My little girl is all grown up."

 

--WacoKid

 

 

"Mom, Dad, you won't have to worry about paying for my college tuition any more," Quinn said with a satisfied smile.

 

"Really?" Jake asked.

 

"Why is that, dear?" Helen asked, curious as to how this came about.

 

"I don't need college to make money. According to this...." she held up an important looking envelope "I may already be a winner!”

 

Suddenly there was a blast of smoke and a flash of light from someplace, and in place of Quinn was a five foot long sausage laying on the floor.

 

"Now you really are a weiner," Daria said, pocketing her wand.

 

--Greystar

 

 

Sitting on the Caribbean beach sipping her mixed drink and enjoying the sun, Jodie quietly thanked the powers that be that her parents were too busy with their own lives to notice that she and Mack had quietly slipped out of the country for Spring Break. As much as she actually enjoyed her work load at Turner - a double major in pre-law and business, the tennis team, pledging Alpha Kappa Alpha, and at least a dozen other activities - it made the chance to get away from it all that much sweeter when that time came.

 

She glanced over at Mack - looking incredibly yummy in his Speedo - and was even more thankful she'd met him all those years ago. A lot of people wondered why Mack put up with Jodie's incredibly packed schedule. A guy like that could have his pick of women, any of whom would've been eager to spend all their time with him. Some people assumed they were just a show couple, dating just to give the appearance of an ideal African American relationship. Others thought Mack a hopeless romantic with the patience of a Saint. The truth was that the two of them were incredibly happy together. Yes, Mack put up with a lot, but he certainly got a lot back in return. Quite simply, Jodie liked to work hard, but she liked to play even harder.

 

Not that Jodie liked to advertise this fact. In fact, it was something she kept very close to the vest. And that was part of why Mack was perfect for her; a lot of guys would've been tempted to brag about it, but he never breathed a word to anyone.

 

Jodie noticed that Mack's eyes had wandered to something on the beach. She smilled. She was in the mood for some fun.

 

"See something you like?"

 

He smiled slightly.

 

"Maybe."

 

Jodie followed his gaze down the beach and, when she noticed the object of his fixation, blinked.

 

"Isn't that Quinn Morgandorffer?"

 

"Yep."

 

"Bad boy. I always knew you had a thing for her."

 

"Can you blame me?"

 

"No. But I thought she was kind of a prude."

 

"Maybe not." Mack gestured to Quinn's companion. "That's Stacy Rowe."

 

Over Christmas, Mack had talked to Jamie White, Kevin successer as Lawndale Lions Quarterback, and learned that Stacy had blossemed in her Senior year. She'd quickly developed a reputation for increasingly daring and adventurous behavior. And it was something that was starting to rub off on Stacy's best friend and partner in crime, Quinn Morgandorffer.

 

"Oh, my" Jodie said as she watched Quinn take off her blouse to reveal of string bikini so daring that it might very well have gotten her arrested in Lawndale.

 

Jodie stood up and helped Mack to his feet, never once taking her eyes off Quinn.

 

"Let's go talk to them," she said, licking her lips. "I'm craving Oreos tonight."

 

Her breath hitched as she say Stacy take off her own shirt to reveal a bikini that was, if possible, even more risque than Quinn's.

 

"The Double-Stuffed kind."

 

--WacoKid

 

 

After a mammoth 48-hour video marathon of the video he'd shot at Spring Break, alone in his dorm room with nothing else besides bags of Doritos, a case of bottled water, two large bottles of hand lotion and a jumbo-sized box of Kleenex, the other students on Charles Ruttheimer's floor heard the words they'd always expected to hear him scream someday explode through the triple-locked door...

 

'I'M BLIND!!!'

 

--Brother Grimace

 

 

After a mammoth 48-hour video marathon of the video he'd shot at Spring Break, alone in his dorm room with nothing else besides bags of Doritos, a case of bottled water, two large bottles of hand lotion and a jumbo-sized box of Kleenex, the other students on Charles Ruttheimer's floor heard the words they'd always expected to hear him scream someday explode through the triple-locked door...

 

'I'M BLIND!!!'

 

Tom looked at Mack.

 

"I think we found out where that video of Barch and Johansenn went to," Mack said.

 

"But at lease we got our tape of Daria, Jane and Jodie back."

 

--Greystar

 

 

The Fonz: Heyyyyyyyyyy! Foxy chick, you wanna go for a ride on my bike? We can like head down to the beach, check out the stars and make beautiful music together! Woah!

 

Sandi: Are you serious? You think I'd honestly be caught dead on a motorcycle? And that haircut is so 1959 Milwaulkee! And do you have any idea how many cows had to die to make that jacket.....

 

The Fonz (Sigh): Maybe it's not too late to become Mr. Pinky Tuscadero.

 

--Brandon League

 

 

The bed was rattling that night in Trent's room, and the sounds of hot moans cut through the balmy air.

 

"Ooooohhhhhh God!" cried Trent, "don't stop! Oooooohhhhh, Monique don't sto... uh..."

 

There was instant dead silence that lasted for five full seconds. Then the covers flew off the bed and the sounds of stomping feet filled the room.

 

"But babe," said Trent, "wait!"

 

A hand reached out and slammed the light switch on. Mack began to gather his clothes, seething in anger.

 

"You promised never to call me that again!" he growled as he swept up his sequined nightgown and Diana Ross wig. "You promised, you promised, you PROMISED!!!"

 

"Look, don't cry! I'll make it up to you."

 

"I don't know what I ever saw in you in the first place. You're boney as Hell, you can't sing, you can't even stay awake while giving me my special moment! Smarmy little bi tramp!" He grabbed his high heels and stockings and went for the door.

 

"Mackie-backie, come back," he sobbed.

 

Mack stopped at the door and turned with a haughty look. "And one last thing. Nobody else thinks that Patti Smith is any kind of act for a drag show!" He slammed the door.

 

Trent pulled up the covers and quivered his lip. He shook himself, put on his brave face, looked at the door and said, "And you can't do Diana right even in your dreams, bitch!"

 

--Guy Payne

 

 

Jane couldn't understand why Daria had gotten so grumpy that she beat up the entire Fashion Club, so she gathered up her internal reserves of courage and asked.

 

"I'm not getting any," replied Daria. "The damned fanfic writers have been making us go at it so much that he finally put his foot down and decided he didn't want to do it for a month just so he'd have enough strengh to play guitar."

 

--Aaron Adelman

 

 

Daria and her family sat around the kitchen table. Jake had just finished dishing out the soup. Daria took a taste. It was a cold cucumber soup.

 

"Great soup, Dad"

 

"Daddy? I thought you ran out of cucumbers?" Quinn asked as she began to wolf it down.

 

Jake chuckled. "The funny thing was I found all my cucumbers in upstairs in the bedrooms. I have no idea how they got there."

 

Quinn, Daria, and Helen stopped with spoons half way to their months, looked at one another and began to spit it out.

 

--DrMike

 

 

Upchuck's mouth formed his trademark lear and he licked his lips. "Rrrrrrrowwww, feisty! Just the way I like it!"

He picked up a fork and speared a Klingon blood worm, watching it writhe on his fork.

"Fresh g'akh and feisty! Yum!"

--Guy Payne

 

 

Upchuck's mouth formed his trademark lear and he licked his lips. "Rrrrrrrowwww, feisty! Just the way I like it!"

He picked up a fork and speared a Klingon blood worm, watching it writhe on his fork.

"Fresh g'akh and feisty! Yum!"

Meanwhile, in the Lane home, Jane was talking on the telepnone to her sister in, somewhere Central America......

"No, Penny, I don't know what happened to your earthworm farm. It's fenced in, and none of the neighborhood dogs have been anywhere near it. . . . Well, now that I think about it, Upchuck's pimp-mobile was parked across the street last night, but why would he be interested in nightcrawlers?"

 

--Greystar

 

 

Trent pulled his restored Plymouth into the driveway and couldn't help but marvel at Max's work. It'd been over six months since he'd networked his good name with Happy Herb and Max's in at his uncle's garage into a deal for two ad jingles in exchange for the time and parts he and Max needed to totally overhaul his car, and the 25 year old vehicle still ran like a dream. Putting on the car cover - no way he was going to risk ruining that sweet new paint job - he started whistling AC/DC's "Back in Black" as he walked toward the door.

The song fit. The black jeans, boots and sport coat, offset only by a white shirt, looked good on him. It was a far cry from what he'd worn most of his life, but as they say, clothes make the man, and dressing well meant that people were more likely to take him seriously as an artist and as a businessman. The deal for this new ad jingle was a sweet one, and he felt like celebrating.

Putting the bottle of wine and his groceries on the counter, Trent slipped off his coat and put on his apron. He wasn't much of a cook, but he'd picked up a few tips from Mr. Morgandorffer and could at least handle baked salmon with sauted spinach and couscous. Once the oven was on, Trent drifted into the den to find some suitable mood music. He decided on one of his dad's Coltrain albums. Say what you wanted about Vince, Trent mused, he at least had good taste in music.

A half hour later, Trent had just finished setting the table when the doorbell ring. Perfect timing. Leaving his apron in the kitchen, he opened the door and greated her with a kiss.

"Someone looks happy," she said once they seperated.

"I should be," Trent grinned. "I'm with you."

She blushed slightly.

"Stop teasing me. What did they say?"

"I'll tell you while we eat. I don't want our food to get cold."

"You're awful. But you've already spoiled the surprise."

"Not all of them," he smiled.

As she sat down at the dining room table, he brought out the bottle of wine.

"Bad man. You know I'm underage."

"I won't tell if you don't," he winked while pouring.

Once they'd finished, she couldn't leave him alone.

"So tell me already. I'm dying to know."

Trent grinned hugely.

"They said yes. You are looking at the guy whose music is going to be the cornerstone of Big River BarBQ's ad campaign for the next six months."

She squeeled and hugged him.

"My God, Trent, do you realize what this means? Big River has locations in six states. This is going to give you all kinds of new exposure."

"It gets better. Part of the deal is that Mystic Spiral gets an invite to play at the Big River Music Festival in Memphis this July."

"Oh, wow. This is just incredible."

"Well, I couldn't have done any of this without you."

She blushed.

"Oh, please. This is all because of your hard work."

"Yeah, but if it weren't for you, I'd have never done any of that work."

"Trent...."

"I'm serious. Before I met you, I was the king of slackers and totally deluding myself about ever accomplishing my dream in life. You came along right when I needed someone to tell me to cut the crap. If not for you, I'd never have learned about disciplining myself or how to sell me and my music to people. I'd have ended up being 35 and still living in my parents house, sleeping my life away while telling myself I still had my eye on the prize. Instead, I've got a career I love, a band that's actually starting to go places, and by the end of the summer, I'll finally have my own place. I look and feel like a grown up, but more importantly, for the first time in my life, I feel like a man. And it's all because of you."

A tear ran down her cheek, and then like a shot, she threw herself in his arms and kissed him passionately.

"I love you so much, Trent."

He held her tightly and kissed her back.

"I love you to, Sandi."

 

--WacoKid

 

 

Maniacal laughter rose from the bizarre contraption in the center of Daria's room. Computer monitors, control panels, radar dishes and other paraphenalia sprouted from all surfaces, plus exited through the windows. Power cables ran through the floor to the small nuclear power plant built in the garage.

The terrified residents of Lawdale gathered at the door and down the hallway to hear the results.

"At last!. We may not be able to stop them, but now we can get revenge for all those 'impossible crossover' and 'no scene a fanfic should have' threads. I have located every home computer of the offenders and hijacked their systems to act as sleep sensors. All you need to do is sit down, choose your offending author, check if it is in sleep mode, if so, just hit the enter key and enjoy ten minutes free to stomp around in their dreams and subconscious. Please see my compatriot, Jane, to make an appointment based on the regular sleep patterns of your preferred offender. Five hundred dollars is a small price to pay for a little revenge after what they put us throught." Daria finished with a short, evil laugh.

Cries of "All right.", "Let's do it.", "Let me at the bastard.", "I'll show them what pervert is." and more rose from the hall.

 

--RLobinske

 

 

The music was going well and the crowd was loving it. Trent couldn't believe the Spiral had wasted so much energy on being a grunge band with only new material.
It was as if they were coming home. He finished his flat-pick solo as they vamped back into the chorus:

Trent: Daddy sang bass,

Monique: Mama sang tenor,

Jesse, Max, and Nick: Me 'n' little brother would join right in there,

All: Singin' seems to help a troubled soul.

Trent and Monique: One of these days and it won't be long,
We're gonna join them in a song,
[slowing]
In the skyyy, Lo-urd, innnn theeeee skyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

The crowd at Cooter Joe's went wild, smashing beer bottles and mugs against the wire cage surrounding their new Johnny Cash cover band.

------

Daria came back from classes that day to find Jane in the kitchen, head on the table, weeping silently while clutching a letter.

"Jane?"

"They've up and sold their souls, Daria, they've sold their souls to expediency. I'll never be able to look Trent in the face again." She shook the envelope and slammed it on the table. Five twenties fell out. Jane gasped, grabbed the twenties and looked up at Daria. "Why, bless their little pea-pickin' hearts," she cooed, "success at last!"

 

--Guy Payne

 

 

Cupid knew there would be Hell to pay when Upchuck mugged him and stole his love taser...

 

--Aaron Adelman

 

 

"Eggbeaters?"

"No."

"Penguin love doll?"

"No."

"Multi-colored hair dyes?"

"No."

"Whips and Chains?"

"No."

" 'maters? "

"No."

"What do you need, then?" asked an exasperated Tom.

"<whispers>"

"Oh. Okay, give me a few minutes"

10 minutes later.....

"Ready?"

"Yes."

"Yo, yo yo...MC Slo' n' EZ back in the hizzzzzzouse!"

"Sportin the Fubu's and da' cash, Always ready to make a splash
see me babe got nuthin to hide gonna take you out in my tripped up ride!
Showin off all my bling-bling, when it come to rappin' i am da thing!
Girl you's always sweet as candy, wanna go to my crib and get a little randy?

Jodie left with da MC as fast as her legs could carry her.

"PEACE OUT Y'ALL!" they both spoke to no one in paticular and exited to the Sloane Mansion on somethin vehicular for a little bamp-chicka-bamp-bamp!

 

--A.J.

 

 

As Daria and Jane sat in the Pizza King, Evan walked up to their table.

"Hey, teammate!" he called to Jane.

Turning excidedly to Daria, he continued.

"Did you see this girl run like the wind?"

Daria raging inside and tired of having to share Jane with other people, went automaticly for the malicious come-back.

"Have you ever heard her-"

Daria's words were cut short by a wet, thunderous ripping sound so loud and long that all conversation in the restaurant stopped dead in shock. All eyes were locked on a rapidly reddening Daria. Even worse, Trent and his friends had walked in just in time to hear.

It was Trent who started the chant, breaking Daria's heart into a thousand pieces as he did. Soon everyone, even Jane, eagerly picked it up.

As Daria ran crying from the Pizza King, the chant rang in her ears. It had haunted her for five long, painful years in Highland and now it had followed her here. It would probably follow her to her grave and end up on her tombstone.

Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha!

 

--WacoKid

 

 

Dialing the number and setting the reciever against her ear, Daria remembered when Jane had first joked about this, and now it was actually happening. 'I can't believe this...' she thought, as her phone call was answered.

"Hellooo?"

"Hello, Quinn? It's me, Daria. Can you help me make my friend look pretty?"

 

--Mahna Mahna

 

 

Only too late did Kevin realize that there was no such thing as Come to School Naked Day...

 

--Aaron Adelman

 

 

God, Daria thought as she sat in history class, Mr. DeMartino is so hot, I just can't stop thinking about him. I want him so bad. But no, I can't tell him. Not after what happened with Mr. Buzzcut.

 

--WacoKid

 

 

Daria was worried about her mother. Helen had been looking weird lately and she'd been growing larger. But whenever Daria asked why, she just told her, "It's all a part of nature's plan, dearie."

Daria held motionless and ruminated on this turn of events. As she digested her latest catch her mother called out to her.

"Daria! It's happening!"

Weird things were happening to Helen's nucleus. It was as if it were copying itself and dividing. And if it were dividing, then...

Oh no!

The two halves of Helen pulled apart. One was obviously Mom, but the other had a red nucleus instead of brown. It shimmered in the slimey water and it's ribosomes were just a bit too cute for words.

"Hi!" it said, "I'm your new sister, Quinn! No, don't gush, you'll just embarass me, *giggle*."

Daria had a sarcastic remark on the edge of her psuedopod, when three other amoebas came floating up.

"You're like new or something, aren't you? You're cool!"

"Yeah! Will you be my new friend? We can go shopping and everything!"

"Yeaaaaah, you want to jooooin our cluuuuub?"

"Great idea, Tiffany! Quinn, how would you like to be the vice-president of the Single Celled Fashion Club?"

"Well," Quinn giggled, "I'll have to check my schedule!"

Daria groaned. Once again, she had strolled too far into the shallow end of the primordial ooze.

--------

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" said Daria as she came out of the trance. "Dammit, Jane, I mean it this time! NO MORE PAST-LIFE TRANCES!!!"

 

--Guy Payne

 

 

The history of privateers menacing those in the Caribbean would forever be changed after Jane Lane, in pursuit of lightstep slavers who came through time to kidnap her friend Daria, dropped through a temporal vortex onto the deck of the pirate vessel Burning Marseilles with an autofeed shotgun in hand and cried out, 'All right, you pantaloon-wearing, citrus-free f***s - who wants to kiss the baby?!'

 

--Brother Grimace

 

 

"Tom, I think I've found a way to make me relax and open up enough for us to take our relationship to that level."

Tom raised an eyebrow, showing clear interest.

"Oh?"

Daria handed him a small grocery sack.

"Here, put these on."

Tom looked in the sack to find a pair of black boots, black shorts, a red shirt, fishnet tights, red lipstick and a black page-boy wig.

 

--WacoKid

 

 

"Tom, I think I've found a way to make me open up enough for us to take our relationship to that next level."

Tom raised an eyebrow, showing clear interest.

"Oh?"

Daria handed him a small grocery sack.

"Here, put this on."

Curious, Tom looked inside. It was empty. Then he noticed that there were two eyeholes cut in the sack. He looked back up at Daria, who was trying to stifle a smirk.

"Aw, now that's just mean."

 

--Galen Hardesty

 

 

"Tom, I think I've found a way to make me relax and open up enough for us to take our relationship to that level."

Tom raised an eyebrow, showing clear interest.

"Oh?"

Daria handed him a small grocery sack.

"Here, put these on."

He only saw 2 pieces of fruit, confused he looked to Daria for an explanation.

"Now you've got the grapefruits you were so woefully short of since birth"

"That's just cruel" was all Tom could come up with for a reply as he looked down.

 

--A.J.

 

 

"Tom, I think I've found a way to make me relax and open up enough for us to take our relationship to that level."

Tom raised an eyebrow, showing clear interest.

"Oh?"

Daria handed him a small grocery sack.

"Here, put these on."

Tom looked in the sack to find a Lawndale Lions football uniform.

Daria looked at him expectantly and he started to grin.

"I'm the QB!"

 

--WacoKid

 

 

"Daria, I think I've found a way to make you relax and open up enough for us to take our relationship to that level."

Daria raised an eyebrow, showing clear interest.

"Oh?"

Tom handed her a small grocery sack.

"Here, put these on."

Daria looked in the sack to find a pair of designer jeans, a pink shirt and a red wig.

Daria looked at Tom and blinked.

"Oh," he continued, "could you clean up a bit first? That one shower a week thing you've got going on really isn't working for me."

"Yeah," Jane said from the corner of the room where she was setting up her video camera, "And could you shave your legs to? Sasquatch Love isn't really the theme I'm going for here."

 

--WacoKid

 

 

"Tom, I think I've found a way to make you relax and open up enough for us to take our relationship to that level."

Tom raised an eyebrow, showing clear interest.

"Oh?"

Daria handed him a small grocery sack.

"Here, put these on."

Tom reached in and pulled out a pair of grungy pants with the left knee ripped out, as well as a kahki-tan T-shirt.

"By the way, I made an appointment at Axl's to get your ears pierced," Daria said. "And when do you think you'll start sprouting a beard?"

 

--Greystar

 

 

"Trent, I think I've found a way to make me relax and open up enough for us to take our relationship to that level."

Trent didn't respond.

"Trent?"

Daria poked him with a short stick.

"Trent, wake up!"

"Zzmurble, just five more minutes, Janey, pleazzzzzzzzzzzzz...."

 

--WacoKid

 

 

"Daria, I think I've found a way to help you relax and open up enough for you to take your relationship with Tom to that level."

Daria blushed furiously at Jane.

"And what would that be?"

At that moment, Tom walked into the room wearing red shorts and a ratty grey AC/DC t-shirt. His hair was slicked back and his upper lip was curled in a freaksih snear.

"Hey, baby. Come to Butthead."

Then Trent walked into the room, wearing grey shorts and a ratty blue Metalica t-shirt. His hair was died blonde and curled.

"Hehehehehe. Are we like, gonna do it?"

Daria just starred wide-eyed at the pair for almost a minute.

Then suddenly she started tearing off her jacket and panting lustily.

"Take me! Take me now!"

Jane grinned and took out her video camera.

 

--WacoKid

 

 

"Tom, I think I've found a way to make me relax and open up enough for us to take our relationship to that level."

Tom raised an eyebrow, showing clear interest.

"Oh?"

He was handed a small grocery sack.

"Here, put these on."

Inside the sack was a green jacket, black skirt, a pair of boots and glasses.

"Rrrr feisty!" said Upchuck.

 

--Uzurpator

 

 

"Tragedy struck today in Lawndale as the two teenage daughters of Mr. and Mrs. Jake and Helen Morgendorffer, were found dead of mortification after the younger one broke into the older one's room to find her really, really, REALLY getting into the Divynal's 'I Touch Myself.'

"Film at eleven."

--Guy Payne

 

 

"Well," Jake said sternly while taking off his belt, "I think you girls need a good bare-bottomed spanking to straighten you out. Now which one of you is going to go first?"

Jane, Jodie, Brittany, Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany all smiled and eagerly begged to be first.

 

--WacoKid

 

 

Through the pouring rain, Kevin and Brittany came to the door of the immense mansion. Kevin knocked.

The door creaked ominously as the butler peared out at them with a look of sullen malevolence.

"Yeeeessss?" he asked.

"Uh, look Dude, we were driving in the neighborhood and our tire went flat," said Kevin. "We were wondering if we could use your phone."

"THERE'S NO PHONES IN A CASTLE, A**HOLE!"

Kevin and Brittany looked around. "Maaan! Where do those voices keep coming from?!?"

Quietly beating his head against the door jamb, Riff-raff began to miss Brad and Janet very, very much.

 

--Guy Payne

 

 

"Tom, I think I've found a way to make me relax and open up enough for us to take our relationship to that level."

Tom raised an eyebrow, showing clear interest.

"Oh?"

Daria handed him a small grocery sack.

"Here, put these on."

Tom looked in the sack to find a Lawndale Lions cheeleaders uniform and a box marked "Dr. Shar's Pre-Implant Augmentation System".

Daria looked at him expectantly and started to grin.

"I'm the QB!"

 

--RLobinske

 

 

Stacy looked deep into Upchuck's eyes and finally brought herself to say it. "Charles, I don't care what Sandi thinks anymore. I really like you, and I'd like it if we could start dating."

Upchuck frowned and started fidgeting. "Well, er, Stacy... I don't know how to say this, but I'm...gay."

Stacy gasped. "But you've hit on every girl at Lawndale High! How could that be?"

"The perfect cover. I come on way too strong and act like a sleaze, and no girl would ever actually ask me out." He coughed. "I mean, until now."

"But what about Andrea?"

Upchuck smiled slowly. "The two of you obviously haven't spent much time together. 'Her' real name is Andrew."

 

--Kristen Bealer

 

 

Daria and Jane ambled on, mostly in silence. Their aimless wandering brought them at length to Glen Oaks Lane.

"Want to come in and get something to drink? We may have a snack pizza in the freezer," Daria suggested.

"Sure," Jane replied.

As they approached the Morgendorffer house, Daria collected the mail. Thumbing through the bills and junk mail, she stopped at one small white envelope and froze.

"What is it?" Jane asked.

"It's from my agent."

Both girls stood frozen there for several seconds, staring at the envelope, considering the possible implications. Then, with a visible effort, Daria opened the door and and went inside, Jane following.

Beverages and snacks forgotten, Daria dumped the rest of the mail on the coffee table and tore open the envelope.

"What's it say, what's it say?" Jane nagged, bouncing up and down slightly.

"The show is going back into production!" Daria squealed.

"All right!"

"They want me for..." Daria stopped and stared at the sheet of paper, her smile vanishing.

"What is it?" Jane asked, noting Daria's change of expression.

"They want me to play Amy," Daria said, her voice no more than a whisper.

Jane said nothing. Her eyes were still on the letter in Daria's hands, but her thoughts were on her mailbox back at Casa Lane, and on whether there was a letter there for her, and, if there were, what it might say.

The doorbell rang. As if surfacing from a deep dive, Daria dragged her attention away from the letter and went to open the door.

Stacy and Sandi stood there. "Quinn's not here," Daria said. Then she noticed that they each carried a letter similar to the one in her hand.

"Uh, actually I, er, need to speak with your mom," said Stacy diffidently.

Daria looked from Stacy to Sandi, who was looking back at her, she saw, with a strange expression. Sandi said, "Um, Quinn's cous-- sister, or whatever, could I, like, borrow one of your outfits?"

 

--Galen Hardesty

 

 

Daria, Jane, and Ted chuckled evilly as they read the latest post to the "Warning On Serials and Other Long Running Threads" threads.

"Look at them writhe!" said Jane.

"Ted, you're a genius! Nobody else thought of mucking with the bandwitdth," smiled Daria.

"T'weren't nothing," he said modestly.

"C'mere," said Daria, pulling his head down for a congratulatory kiss. In a moment her eyes widened and then closed in bliss. Jane's eyes widened as the kiss entered it's second minute.

Finally they seperated. Daria smiled. "My God, Ted, what was that?"

"It's called 'French kissing.' I read about it the other day and wanted to try it."

Daria pulled him back down, muttering, "Practise makes perfect.

_______

Tom finished reading the latest entry to "Scenes No Daria Fanfic Should Ever Have", angrily shut his computer off and pushed back from the table in a pouting huff.

Trent looked at him. "Dude, are you trying to tell me that you and Daria never..."

"NO!" he snapped.

 

--Guy Payne

 

 

Trent looked at him. "Dude, are you trying to tell me that you and Daria never..."

"NO!" he snapped.

 

"Well," Quinn said, "I'm glad you didn't. It means I don't have to retrain you."

She sat in Tom's lap and pulled his head toward her's.

"Like, so am I", Sandi echoed while pushing Trent back on the bed and stradling his hips.

"So," Stacy said from the other end of the bed, where Evan held her in his arms, "I guess everything worked out for the best.

"Yeah," Tiffany said distractedly as she gazed lovingly into Luhrman's eyes.

 

--WacoKid

 

 

"Case number 340105: The Cast Of Daria versus Roger E. Moore. Are all involved with this case present and accounted for?" The bailiff, a stocky man in his late thirties, looked tired and rumpled, as if he could think of a zillion other places he'd rather be.

The attorney for the prosecution, Helen Morgendorffer, unbelievably wearing a black robe and carrying a long, sharpened scythe, shuffled a handful of papers and rose to her feet. "My clients are all accounted for, your honor," she said, indicating with a wave the three rows of people seated behind her.

"And the defense?" The bailiff looked over at the opposite table, where the defendant, Roger Moore sat, wearing a carbon copy of the suit made famous by Don Johnson in the 1980s hit cop drama Miami Vice. He was holding his head in his hands and mumbling incoherently to himself. And with one look at his attorney, it was plain to see why. A midget dressed in a clown costume and smoking a cigar hopped to his feet. "My client is present and accounted for, your honor."

Three rows of defendants promptly smirked.

Roger, meanwhile mumbled under his breath, "Either I'm in a hell of a lot of trouble...or I ate that pasta with the green sauce on it that the missus made last night." His stomach churned. Either way, I'm in for a rough time, he thought sadly, as Judge Tiffany Blum-Deckler rose to her feet.

Just before he put his head back into his hands, Roger heard Daria Morgendorffer's triumphant whisper from across the aisle. "I'll teach you to turn me into a cockroach....OR a zombie.....or a mental patient-"

"That was Renfield, amiga...."

"Not like it really matters. Mr. Dungeons and Dragons here is about to pay my way through graduate school."

Judge Blum-Deckler halted the whispers by addressing the defense.

"Rooger E. Mooore, you are hearrrby charged wittth twenty twooo counts of angst abuse and twenty-twooo counts of copyright infringement. How do you plead?"

Roger blinked. "Your honor," he asked rising shakily to his feet. "Copyright infringement? Fanfiction isn't illegal? There are laws that protect parody! Th-"

"Siiiilence, wooorm!" the judge barked, or husked anyway.

Roger slumped into his chair, defeated. Suddenly those Wonder Twin powers he had been offered in 1977 didn't seem so laughable.

FIN

 

--Brandon League

 

 

Daria: I think we should break up.

Tom: What!? When did you decide this?

Daria: Just now.

Tom: Because I got into Bromwell and you didn't?! That's not fair, Daria.

Daria: It's got nothing to do with Bromwell.

Tom: Well, if it's not about Bromwell, then what? Why?

Daria: Because....(thinks) We've got nothing in common... no common ground to start from. We're falling apart, Tom. The world's come between us.....heck, our lives have come between us!

(Tom looks sorrowfully down at the ground, thinking. After a moment, he looks up.)

Tom: But.....what about Breakfast at Tiffany's?

Daria: (cocks her head) I think...I remember the film... as I recall.... I think....(She shrugs) .....we both kind of liked it.

Tom: Well that's one thing we've got.

 

--Mahna Mahna

 

 

Reconstructed Tyrannosaurus Rex dies after eating football player.

Next on Sick, Sad World.

 

--RLobinske

 

 

Helen: Daria, we want to talk to you. (She leads Daria into the living room, where the Morgendorffers, Jane, Trent, Tom Sloane, Mack, Jesse, Upchuck and Ted are all scattered about.)

Quinn: Daria, we just want you to know that we're all here for you in this, er, confusing time of your life, and we want you to know that we're all okay with your being gay!

Trent: Whoa. Daria's gay? (Mack and Ted look surprised, Upchuck's head explodes, Ton nods slightly in agreement and Jesse simply shrugs.)

Jesse: It's cool.

Daria: For the last time - I AM NOT GAY!

Helen: But - what about all of the time that you spend alone with Jane - Daria, you must admit that it's very strange that you don't date any young men...

Quinn: And that's why I invited all of these guys over here tonight - so you could pick on out and show that you like guys! (She glances briefly at Upchuck's remains.) And I am NOT cleaning that up...

Daria: Much like a herd of geldings, none of you get it. (beat.) I'm not interested in any of these guys! They just don't interest me (to Mack) Not you, Mack - you're just not my type.

Mack: No big - if I ever decide to go that way, I'd hook up with Stacy. (To Quinn) Say a word to Jodie about that - and I'll call Mr. Moore to have him do something special... (Quinn goes white and VERY silent.)

Jake: Let me get this straight-

Jane: And Daria.

Daria: Kill you last, Lane.

Jake: You like guys.

Daria: Yeah.

Jake: But not any of these guys.

Daria: Right.

Jake: Why?

Daria: I- I really don't want to talk about it.

Helen: Daria, there's got to be some reason why you don't like these boys. What's wrong with them?

Tom: Yeah, tell us!

Jesse: Yeah!

Trent: You don't even really get into me anymore.

Quinn: Daria, what do you want in a guy?

Daria: (Shouting) ALL RIGHT! (She stands up, and the music starts to come up in the background.) You wanna know? YOU WANNA KNOW-?

ALL: YES!

Daria: All right! (The music blazes into full blazing clarity as Daria spins around to face the group.)

Daria: (singing)

If you really want to know what I want in a guy
Well, I'm looking for a dream on a mean machine with hell in his eyes
I want a devil in skin tight leather, he's gonna be wild as the wind
And one fine night, I'll be holding on tight to a
Cool rider, a cool rider
If he's cool enough, he can burn me through and through
If it takes forever, then away forever
No ordinary boy, no ordinary boy is gonna do
I want a rider that's cool


(The guys all look dumbfounded, and Jake turns to Helen.)

Jake: This is all YOUR fault. (beat.) 'Stunt drivers...'

 

--Brother Grimace

 

 

There were clothes strewn everywhere. Bottles of wine lay emptied all over. Jake's worst nightmare had been realized. Helen had found his Evel Kinevel video collection.

"Dammit!" he exclaimed. He was forced to settle for another night in his wife's intimates again.

 

--A.J.

 

 

Brittany [sobbing]: Why did it have to eat Kevvie? Why? Why?

Daria [Shruging]: To get the taste of Upchuck out of it's mouth.

 

--Guy Payne

 

 

Reconstructed Tyrannosaurus Rex dies after eating football player.

Next on Sick, Sad World.

 

"Hmph! T. rex always was a wimp," said Spinosaurus aegypticus. "Let me show you what a real theropod can do; pass me those three J's!"

"It was those pads, man. Everybody knows you have to shell those football players first," added Velociraptor mongolienses.

 

--Guy Payne

 

 

Reconstructed Tyrannosaurus Rex dies after eating football player.

Next on Sick, Sad World.

 

"Hmph! T. rex always was a wimp," said Spinosaurus aegypticus. "Let me show you what a real theropod can do; pass me those three J's!"

"It was those pads, man. Everybody knows you have to shell those football players first," added Velociraptor mongolienses.

 

The two of them said no more, because at that moment Godzilla roasted them with the fire he breathed out of his mouth and then ate them.

 

--Aaron Adelman

 

 

Reconstructed Tyrannosaurus Rex dies after eating football player.

Next on Sick, Sad World.

 

"Hmph! T. rex always was a wimp," said Spinosaurus aegypticus. "Let me show you what a real theropod can do; pass me those three J's!"

"It was those pads, man. Everybody knows you have to shell those football players first," added Velociraptor mongolienses.

 

The two of them said no more, because at that moment Godzilla roasted them with the fire he breathed out of his mouth and then ate them.

 

After which, a giant deer hoof descended from the sky and squashed dat big lizard flat!

 

--Guy Payne

 

 

Reconstructed Tyrannosaurus Rex dies after eating football player.

Next on Sick, Sad World.

 

"Hmph! T. rex always was a wimp," said Spinosaurus aegypticus. "Let me show you what a real theropod can do; pass me those three J's!"

"It was those pads, man. Everybody knows you have to shell those football players first," added Velociraptor mongolienses.

 

The two of them said no more, because at that moment Godzilla roasted them with the fire he breathed out of his mouth and then ate them.

 

After which, a giant deer hoof descended from the sky and squashed dat big lizard flat!

 

And then the giant deer fell over dead when it was hit by the giant turtle flying around by jet power.

 

--Aaron Adelman

 

 

Reconstructed Tyrannosaurus Rex dies after eating football player.

Next on Sick, Sad World.

 

"Hmph! T. rex always was a wimp," said Spinosaurus aegypticus. "Let me show you what a real theropod can do; pass me those three J's!"

"It was those pads, man. Everybody knows you have to shell those football players first," added Velociraptor mongolienses.

 

The two of them said no more, because at that moment Godzilla roasted them with the fire he breathed out of his mouth and then ate them.

 

After which, a giant deer hoof descended from the sky and squashed dat big lizard flat!

 

And then the giant deer fell over dead when it was hit by the giant turtle flying around by jet power.

Who then went on to star in the hard-boiled film noir thriller, I am a Gamera.

Meanwhile, Rodan, in a sulk from not being mentioned, quit the film industry in a huff to move to Paris, where he became a sculptor. His subtle, yet dynamic, style made the Parisians quite forgive him for the occasional rampages, destroying the Eifel Tower, the Arc de Triumph, and the Louvre.

Aaron, Guy, please see me after class. Mr. O'Neill

 

--Guy Payne

 

 

Reconstructed Tyrannosaurus Rex dies after eating football player.

Next on Sick, Sad World.

 

"Hmph! T. rex always was a wimp," said Spinosaurus aegypticus. "Let me show you what a real theropod can do; pass me those three J's!"

"It was those pads, man. Everybody knows you have to shell those football players first," added Velociraptor mongolienses.

 

The two of them said no more, because at that moment Godzilla roasted them with the fire he breathed out of his mouth and then ate them.

 

After which, a giant deer hoof descended from the sky and squashed dat big lizard flat!

 

And then the giant deer fell over dead when it was hit by the giant turtle flying around by jet power.

Who then went on to star in the hard-boiled film noir thriller, I am a Gamera.

Meanwhile, Rodan, in a sulk from not being mentioned, quit the film industry in a huff to move to Paris, where he became a sculptor. His subtle, yet dynamic, style made the Parisians quite forgive him for the occasional rampages, destroying the Eifel Tower, the Arc de Triumph, and the Louvre.

Aaron, Guy, please see me after class. Mr. O'Neill

 

After penning his note, Mr. O'Neill found himself rereading the series of paragraphs turned in by both students which he had managed to piece together into a coherent story. Apon reaching the conclusion of the story, he buried his face in his arms on his desk and began sobbing uncontrollably.

 

--Isa Yo-Jo

 

 

Reconstructed Tyrannosaurus Rex dies after eating football player.

Next on Sick, Sad World.

 

"Hmph! T. rex always was a wimp," said Spinosaurus aegypticus. "Let me show you what a real theropod can do; pass me those three J's!"

"It was those pads, man. Everybody knows you have to shell those football players first," added Velociraptor mongolienses.

 

The two of them said no more, because at that moment Godzilla roasted them with the fire he breathed out of his mouth and then ate them.

 

After which, a giant deer hoof descended from the sky and squashed dat big lizard flat!

 

And then the giant deer fell over dead when it was hit by the giant turtle flying around by jet power.

Who then went on to star in the hard-boiled film noir thriller, I am a Gamera.

Meanwhile, Rodan, in a sulk from not being mentioned, quit the film industry in a huff to move to Paris, where he became a sculptor. His subtle, yet dynamic, style made the Parisians quite forgive him for the occasional rampages, destroying the Eifel Tower, the Arc de Triumph, and the Louvre.

Aaron, Guy, please see me after class. Mr. O'Neill

 

After penning his note, Mr. O'Neill found himself rereading the series of paragraphs turned in by both students which he had managed to piece together into a coherent story. Apon reaching the conclusion of the story, he buried his face in his arms on his desk and began sobbing uncontrollably.

 

Oh, come on, buck up, skinny. Whoa, hey, why are you tearing my clothes off? Hey, I said BUCK up, not...oh, never mind, just keep doing what you're doing, skinny.

 

--Atimnie

 

 

MAX: Daria, you've just gotta sleep with me.

DARIA: Excuse me?

MAX: In fanfic, you've been paired up with all the other guys in Mystik Spiral: Trent, Nick, and Jesse. Well, now it's my turn, so is it going to be your place or mine?

DARIA: I'm sorry to disappoint you, but these days I'm sleeping with Monique. She used to be part of Mystik Spiral, too; you know.

MAX: Damn!

 

--Aaron Adelman

 

 

We see practically everyone we know in Lawndale.

DARIA: OK... Let me get this straight: Is there anyone in Lawndale who isn't gay?

No one raises their hand. Everyone looks around, expected someone, anyone to raise their hand.

DARIA: In that case, I think we all can quit pretending.

Daria grabs Brittany and gives her a kiss she'll never forget.

 

--Aaron Adelman

 

 

kevin: hi daria

daria: hi

kevin: I'm just finishing up my 15,000 word essay on the social structure of bolsheivic Russia. do you want to see it?

daria: didn't he used to play for Liverpool?

kevin: er... no..... I'm glad i got it out of the way because I'm going on a data with your friend Jane tonight.

daria: oh cool. maybe me and britney can join you and make it a double date?

kevin: cool babe

daria: ok babe.

 

--Tom

 

 

Daria Dance Party

Rap lyrics by Alternate Universe Explosion
(formerly Mystik Spiral)

Think your IQ’s high? You think you’re a smarty?
Then bring it on down to the
Daria Dance Party.


She wears a green jacket and a pleated black skirt,
Two combat boots and an orange T-shirt;
She’s got thick brown hair and coke-bottle glasses—
But she can shake her booty with the wildest asses!

She’s a genuine Einstein, smarter than s—t,
But she’s got an attitude that just won’t quit,
She’s cynical, rude, and a little sarcastic—
But when she hits the dance floor, whoa! Fantastic!

You think you’re a brain? Then don’t be tardy,
Haul your calculus down to the
Daria Dance Party.


Watch her steppin’ to the left, then slidin’ to the right,
Watch her burnin’ up the floor till the break of daylight,
Clap her hands in the air, shake her tail feathers twice—
Do a little voodoo and do it reeeaaal nice!

If you try to outsmart her, that’s just foolhardy,
Just let your slide rule down at the
Daria Dance Party.


By day an honor student at Lawndale High,
But when evening falls, that’s all good-bye,
She can hip-hop, swing, and do disco, too,
She can break-dance, jitterbug, and old soft shoe,
She’s a genius with moves that go way off the chart-y,
She’s the reigning queen of the
Daria Dance Party.

 

--Roger E. Moore

 

 

"So you see, Jodie," Mr. O'Neil said, holding his copy of Black Like Me, now I can understand and sympathize with your feelings."

Jodie just laid her head on her desk, refusing to look at Mr. O'Neil, his freshly died dark brown skin or his Afro wig.

Mr. O'Neil began to look troubled.

"Oh, dear, have I done something wrong?"

"Well," Jane piped up, "in order to truly understand how Jodie feels, wouldn't you have to be an African-American woman?"

"Oh, yes, Jane, you're right!"

As he ran out of the room, Daria turned to Jane.

"You do know that you're going to hell for that, don't you?"

Jane said nothing. Jodie just whimpered.

Meanwhile, Mack stood in the hallway, completely catatonic after being greated by Mr. O'Neil with the Black Power salute.

 

--WacoKid

 

 

"No," Daria said flatly, "You can just forget it."

"Come on, Daria." Jane teased her friend, "We've got to keep relavent to todays audience if we ever want to get the show back."

"I still think this is taking it a little too far." Daria shot back, looking down at her outfit dubiously.

"Aww come on, Daria. You look good."

"Jane, I'm dressed like an idiot."

"You're historically accurate-mostly." Jane responded, "Besides, look how good Troy and King Arthur did this summer. Sweeping historical epics based loosely on old legends are hot this year. This is a sure thing!"

"But the metal bra is really uncomfortable...and there weren't even really any women in Beowulf."

"This is how Viking girls dressed."

"No it's not." Daria was getting exasperated. "This isn't anything like how Viking women dressed! Not a thing!"

"Well take it up with the costume department. I'm strictly art producer." Jane said matter of factly as Daria looked at the trailer containing the fashion club and shuttered, thinking about her last costume fitting and wondering if Jane had even ever READ Beowulf.

 

--Isa Yo-Jo

 

 

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.
We pillage plunder, we rape and we loot.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.
We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.

We extort and pilfer, we filch and sack.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.
Maraud and embezzle and even highjack.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.

We kindle and char and in flame and ignite.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.
We burn up the city, cut throats in the night.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.
We're rascals and scoundrels, we're villains and knaves and don't even start on me!
Dead men tell no tales and neither do whales so we'll toss your corpse into the sea!
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!


Daria gaped at the sight of Upchuck in full pirate-captain finery, leaping athletically from the maintruck and slashing Peter Pan into several large pieces as he swung by on a rope.

"Ha, got ya, scurvy little bugger! I told you that Hook was a pansy, boys! He's better off as alligator food!" Upchuck, holding the rope with one hand and a bloody cutlass with the other, slowly began sliding down.

"There's no place like home. There's no place like home." Eyes clenched tightly shut, Daria clicked her heels wildly.

Quinn smacked her. "Knock it off, Daria! We have to catch that stupid lady-bug, squeeze out some dust, think some %#@**! happy thoughts and fly the hell out of here RIGHT NOW!" Her voice was tinged with hysteria.

"The bug is gone, Quinn. She ran out on us when Captain Upchuck killed the other moron. It hates us!" Daria sobbed hysterically. "It always did. Oh god, people don't age here, Quinn. We're going to spend the rest of eternity on our backs in the Dread Pirate Upchuck's harem, listening to his jokes! Tinkerbell is a bitch! I don't believe in faries! DDT rules! How do you like that, Tinkerbitch! I hope you die!"

Upchuck thumped down on the deck next to them and swept off his tricorn, bowing elegantly with many flourishes of his garish cloak. "Oh, but I have plenty of happy thoughts to share with you both, my delightfully unsoiled little doves. I'm sure that we'll learn to fly together soon."

Daria opened her eyes, focusing on his gold tooth and the blood soaked silk of his shirt. "Ahhhaaaa!"

Quinn swallowed, clenching her eyes closed. "There's no place like home, there's no place like home... Tinkerbell! How could you do this to me! I even clapped for you! I'll get you for this, you damned bug!"

"Home! This is home now, ladies." Upchucked plunked his hat back on and laughed like a ferocious pirate who has just won, big time. "Neverland is the place to be! What more could you ask? A broad sea full of fat Dons, waiting to give up their treasure and a fine freeport to spend the loot in! Not to mention you lovely ladies, coming aboard and throwing yourselves at my feet like this! It's like paradise without harps! The only rules are my rules! Someone gives me grief? Why, instant headache relief!"

Upchuck did an impressive en quarte with his cutlass, miming his favorite head chopping move. "What I wouldn't give to have Kevin and the rest of those Lawndale swabs here, just for a moment! Yo ho, yo ho, it's a pirate's life for me! But not for them, oh no, not for them. I'll show them a swirly they'll never forget." He laughed, darkly.

"That pirate outfit is just chicken soup for your soul, eh, Upchuck?" Daria was quietly ironic in defeat.

Upchuck sniggered. It was true. He had been lost the instant that he had tried on the hat. "More like a quart of straight rum for the hidden maniac within. Come along now, my pretty little poppets! Mustn't delay our tryst any longer or the cabin boys will become nervous!"

 

--Nemo Blank

 

 

"So you see why I've asked you to do this for me, Mack? I need to do this to better empathize with Jodie."

"Get the hell away from me, you fruitcake!" Mack yelled as he ran down the hall, trying to get as far away as possible from the crazy white man in black face, a hair weave and dress.

Mr. O'Neil was on the verge of tears. Then he heard a voice behind him.

"Hey, babe, you must be, like, new here. I'm the QB."

 

--WacoKid

 

 

The events of the last week had, unusually, rendered Daria Morgendorffer speechless. Through several unsubtle clues, her very identity had been called into question. The years of parental badgering, the sisterly torment of Quinn, all seemed false, the very edifice appeared to be a lie. Having finally embraced her position, Daria prepared for its disappearence.

It had begun with that 'voluntary' blood test. Conducted to detect possible donors, (Daria rumoured Ms Li to need a top-up for her supplies) the result had been shocking. B. Neither Jake nor Helen shared this type, suggesting either a hidden surrogate past, or unknown parents. Only Daria's trembling body revealed her cathartic state.

"So Daria, you always felt like you were never a part of your family" Jane had joked.

"Jane, this is serious. I could have a whole new family to favour my siblings. At least Mom and Dad tried to be caring parents" Daria abruptly responded. This was no time for jokes. From the distance, an extremely loud organ played.

However, this was not the end of the Lawndale health regime. She soon submitted to a compulsory DNA test. The results were more positive, showing Barksdale traces. Nevertheless, the doubt remained.

Somehow, she endured another day of school life with stoicism. The idiocy, the conformity, all passed before her in a hellish blur. Trudging home, Daria saw two unusual sights.

Firstly, her mother Helen was home. Secondly, and more unusually, she was conversing with an individual who was most definitely not Eric. Despite this, she appeared immersed and unaware of Daria.

"She has to know now, shes almost eighteen years old! How long can we continue the charade?"
--
"Yes, I'll see you then. Goodbye Amy."

All this had been overheard. "Mom?" Daria asked, "Whats happening?"

Surprised, Helen turned; "Oh, hello sweety. Your..Aunt Amy is coming tonight. Daria, we'll have to talk."

"Oh good. This is where I find I really do come from another planet?" Daria responded, her cynicism on autopilot. Soon, all would be revealed.

Later that night.
Nervously, painfully, Helen began;

"Daria, listen. We have something shocking to tell you... I'm not your mother."

Suddenly, Daria comprehended. The hints had been obvious, in retrospect. The blood test, Amy's mysteriously sudden visit, the expisitory dialogue. "I must be Amy's daughter" she thought. "It all makes sense."

Impulsively, almost enthusiastically, she blurted out loud "Amy is my mother?"

Based upon the evidence, it was clearly the most logical conclusion. However, life rarely does make sense. Mysteriously, that organ again began to play.

"No Daria" Jake uttered, "Your real mother is....Your Aunt, I mean Mother Rita!"

The look of sheer horror was obvious to almost all. Obliviously, Jake continued; "This is great, a weight off our shoulders. We're sure you'll love being the Rita's daughter. Like mother like daughter!"

"But where is she?" Daria enquired.

"Oh, shes off being Mother's favourite again with her 937th boyfriend in tow" scornfully responded Helen.

Looking around the room, Daria grew yet more confused. It had all seemed to make sense. A thought came. If Amy wasn't her mother, why had she suddenly turned up for the occasion?

"Amy--why?" Daria tearfully asked.

"I came to give moral support to my favourite niece" Amy answered, giving Daria a small squeeze. Sadly, her concern did little for Daria, caught amidst the collapsing foundations of her life. It was all too much. Despite her aunt's support, Daria collapsed to the floor. Quinn appeared almost triumphant, cut short by glares from Helen and Amy.

The silence filling the room was soon broken by Jake, speaking with his usual lack of concern.

"Wow Daria, what a shock! Just wait until you see the father! I'll cue the music."

Just then, Charles Ruttheimer II entered the room, accompanied by the sounds of Barry White.

 

--Gregor Samsa

 

 

And now for a very special episode of Daria: Daria is shocked to discover that Eric has been overloading Helen with work so he can keep her away from his true love, Jake...

 

--Aaron Adelman

 

 

Corinne was napping on the loveseat that her roommate Janis had brought to the Raft dorm. A gentle tapping at the door woke her. She opened it to find a young oriental woman dressed in a short dress reading from a paper.

"Are. You." She paused here for a second in an attempt to make out the next word "Saved?"

She hoped it didn't hurt when she slammed the door in her face.

 

--DrMike

 

 

"The Man can't hold us down any longer, the filthy scum of scum's scum they are! They all need to be taught a lesson, as if you could pound anything into their atom sized brains! 22 years of my life, gone! No one gives a damn about us women anymore! Except for you, Skinny!" one Janet Barch exclaimed.

The lights suddenly clicked on, and the bedded figure said "Thank you, its hard to keep my figure that way after 3 kids."

"What the hell!" Janet ripped the covers off to find Michele Landon underneath. "You mean to tell me you aren't my Skinny in blackface and hair extensions?"

"Nope. Now turn out that light, get the oils and lets get bizzay!"

"Works for me!" Janet said as she quickly complied.

 

--A.J.

 

 

"And now," Angela Li said, addressing the Lawndale graduating class of 2000, "we have one final award to give out. The It's In The Script Award is given to that student with the highest individual grade point average in purely accademic classes, with no consideration given to extracurricular activities, social skills or even rudementry athletic participation.

"And," Miss Li continued after taking a breath, "it should come as absolutely no surprise to anyone that the winner of this award is Miss Daria Morgandorffer."

Jake, Helen and even Quinn applauded, and a handful of others added politely added to it.

Not Trent, though. He'd long since fallen asleep and was snoring away on the stadium bench.

Daria, with a bemused look on her face, came forward to accept her award.

"Now," Miss Li continued, "it is highly unusual for any students other than the Class President and the Valedictorian to give speaches. However, as its name suggests, one of the conditions of the It's In The Script Award is that its recipient be allowed to address the graduating class."

A chorus of low groans rose from the senior class.

Andrea Darling, ironically, spoke for them all.

"Great, the Misery Chick is here to crap all over our good time."

Quinn covered her face with her hand.

Helen looked very nervous, afraid of what bile might spew from Daria's mouth.

Jake looked confused.

"I didn't know Daria was going to speak."

Trent continued to snore.

Daria smuggly ignored them all.

"Hello," she said into the mike, "I'm Daria Morgandorffer. There are many things I could say here to the graduating class about how empty and shallow your lives all are, and how the world is going to hell."

"Screw this!" a voice - many would later say it was Mack MacKenzie - yelled just before a folding chair flew at the stage. It missed Daria and the speaker podium by a wide margin, instead hitting Timothy O'Neil in the face, knocking him out.

Daria droned on, totally oblivious to anything else.

"But instead, I'd like to take this oppertunity to do something special for the only other person who comes close to living up to my standards. That person is Jane Lane."

Jane wasn't sure where Daria was going with this and didn't know how to react.

Trent continued to snore.

"I realize, Jane, that it must have been hard for you these past three years, being with me as my sidekick. Not being as smart, as witty, or as wise in the ways of the world. But in spite of - or perhaps even because of these flaws, I admire you."

Jane just staired, as did Helen, Quinn and almost any one else who had even a passing aquaintance with the duo.

Except for Trent; he continued to snore.

"And," Daria continued, "that's why I want to sing you this song."

Daria took the mike from the podium and stepped forward on the stage. Then she began to sing.

Or at least croak tonelessly in the closest aproximation of singing she was physically able to.

It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way,
you always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name -- for so long,
a beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and ev'rything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.


Holding their ears in pain, everyone in the stadium bolted from their seats and ran away as fast as they could.

Except for Mr. O'Neil, who was still unconscious.

And Trent, who continued to snore.

 

--WacoKid

 

 

Daria typed the url on the keyboard to her computer. Jane hovered over her left shoulder as the page loaded.

"That's it. Now, hit that link, Written works."

Daria clicked the link and the next page loaded.

Jane leaned in further. Okay, now Action/Adventure, then Spy Thrillers...Great, now scroll down about a third of the way and scan the middle column.

"What am I looking...Oh my God...You're kidding."

Jane smirked, "Nope. Read it and weep."

"Weep is right. Some poor sod is writing Melody Powers fan fics. How much sadder can you get than that?"

 

--RLobinske

 

 

"Daria where did you find all those incriminating tapes of Mrs Li that you showed at graduation?" asked Jane

"Here and there" Replied Daria

"Have the police managed to track her down?" said Jane

"No they'll still be looking for her years from now I expect" said Daria

"I can just picture her hiding out now" mused Jane

 

--Qwerty

 

 

Quinn woke from the anesthesia to a world of pain. Encased from head to toe in a body cast, her right arm hung painfully in a traction rig. She cut her eyes to the left where Sandi lay, both legs suspended and only her head showing from the cast that covered her.

Sandi's head lolled toward Quinn, her left eye swollen shut, and she muttered through wired jaws, "Alright, I like admit it or something. We didn't make it through the crossing. You'll get your twenty when I can reach my purse."

Quinn closed her eyes and groaned, wondering if Daria and Jane's betting competitions had ever gone so badly...

 

--Galen Hardesty

 

 

Quinn closed her eyes and groaned, wondering if Daria and Jane's betting competitions had ever gone so badly...

 

Quinn: "How come they can do it fine in Roger's works but we can't in Guy's works?"

 

--DrMike

 

 

Quinn closed her eyes and groaned, wondering if Daria and Jane's betting competitions had ever gone so badly...

 

Quinn: "How come they can do it fine in Roger's works but we can't in Guy's works?"

 

"Look at what happens to the people in Roger's works..."

"EEP! Suddenly, I see just how rosy and free my wonderful world can be..."

 

--Brother Grimace

 

 

Quinn closed her eyes and groaned, wondering if Daria and Jane's betting competitions had ever gone so badly...

 

Quinn: "How come they can do it fine in Roger's works but we can't in Guy's works?"

 

"Look at what happens to the people in Roger's works..."

"EEP! Suddenly, I see just how rosy and free my wonderful world can be..."

 

Roger's fingers drummed against the keyboard. This was interesting. Quinn and Sandi in the hospital together. He'd had Sandi die once of a cocaine overdose, and Quinn had been left in a vegetative state after a car wreck, but never had both been laid up at once. Hmmm. He began to think about how that could come about. World disasters had been overdone, but there was that eta Carinae hypernova idea in which Stacy Rowe becomes the Road Warrior and finds Sandi left to die out in the open somewhere during daylight, with UV-B sleeting in through the nonexistent ozone layer, and... no, then Quinn wouldn't be there, too. Too much of coincidence, and he still wanted to use Stacy for the Road Warrior thing mixed with the Viking end of the world--" 'Rok and Rowe." So Quinn and Sandi would have to be.... well, they could have been hit by a train. Or be in a plane crash. No, something different.

His fingers drummed. It would have to be bad. Really bad. But he still had to finish the Quinn as Spy story, or else Lawndale Stalker and Kara Wild would have him dumped in the drink. Too bad.

Sandi and Quinn in the hospital together... it had potential.

 

--Roger E. Moore

 

 

As Sandi lay in the hospital bed, she reflected on how utterly freaking bored she was. There was nothing to do and she needed something to distract her from the incessent itch of her leg cast. Just as she was about to scream into her pillow out of frustration, there was a knock at the door.

"Like, come in already."

"Hi, Sandi."

Sandi blinked, as Quinn entered the room. The fact that Quinn had come to see her wasn't surprising; The fact that Quinn was dressed as a candy striper was.

"It's time for your sponge bath."

Sandi just smiled.

 

--WacoKid

 

 

As Quinn and Sandi lay swathed in body casts, eyeing Roger nervously, they failed to see Guy hand a book to Daria and gesture towards the bedridden duo.

She walked slowly towards them.

"Well," she said, startling them into the present, "I guess we've learned that when SUV's and diesel locomotives tangle, it isn't the engineer that ends up in the hospital."

"What do you want," snarled Sandi through her wired-together jaws.

"Just came to bring you entertainment. I know it can get boring... well, no, I don't really know, never having been in a body cast before, but I can imagine how boring and lonely it must get. So I decided to come and read to you."

Quinn and Sandi's eyes got big. Each wondered what they had done to deserve this.

Daria sat down between them and held the book up to read the title.
"'Ariel,'" she said, "by Sylvia Plath."

Roger smiled a heartfelt smile. With the two distracted he could plot in peace.

 

--Guy Payne

 

 

Roger came back from dinner in a better mood. He knew he had been on the wrong track all along. Quinn and Sandi weren't in the hospital because of something awful that had happened to them. They were in the hospital because of something minor, like food poisoning from a fat-free dressing. They got the same room because they were friends, and the hospital was able to accommodate them. A dreadful horrible thing had not happened to them.

Yet.

Roger reached this point after discarding a large number of bad fates for the duo. The asteroid impact idea was useless because there would be no hospitals afterward, so the story idea was moot. The eta Carinae/burned Earth/Road Warrior idea was tabled for Stacy Rowe later. Any other sort of disaster basically demanded the disaster be described first, and that wasn't how he wanted to start the story, with hurricanes and tornadoes and floods and nuclear bombs. He wanted Sandi and Quinn in separate beds, looking at Waif magazines or the TV, complaining about being in the hospital and not being catered to as they liked. Even Quinn can't get guys to moon after her, because all the guys there are older un-cute guys (yuk!) or are women (doctors, nurses, etc.), and their powers of persuasion are rendered harmless. And they are getting along well, relatively speaking.

So.... there they are, the beautiful ones, with nothing to do. What happens next?

Then Roger logged in and got back into the proper PPMB thread and read WacoKid's idea, which threw him completely off. Oh, man. Where did all the ideas of disaster go? Darn WacoKid, anyway. He always did this to Roger, derailing his train of thought. Roger stopped thinking about the sponge bath, which was funny and rude and did not involve death and dying, and he focused again on making Quinn and Sandi scream. Which could also happen in the sponge bath story, but he wasn't going to think about that again. No. Period.

What's the worst thing that can happen to someone stuck in the hospital? Other than dying during surgery, and it has to be something that can be shared with someone else. Oh, of course. A fire. YES! A fire in the hospital. But not with a lot of other people to crap up the story's tension. Their room maybe can be isolated in a wing of the hospital undergoing renovation (he can see it now in his head), and a construction worker leaves equipment on when he goes home for the night, and on the floor below their room, a pressurized tank blows up. Blowtorch, oxygen tank, whatever. Boom. No one is killed, yet, because Sandi and Quinn have a room separated from the rest of the ward because... um... they are so obnoxious, demanding to be waited on hand and foot. That might work. This follows the usual pattern in horror stories of sequestering the victims with unfortunate circumstances (food poisoning) and isolating them physically (remote rooms) and leaving them ill at ease (they are nervous about being in a hospital), then creating a Bad Thing that will follow them. And a fire can do that.

Roger reached for a scrap of paper and made notes. He needed details on Cedars of Lawndale hospital room from "Ill," and he needed to set the story in series time. After IICY? would be best. Quinn and Sandi should be buds after "Fat Like Me," but he had to watch IICY? again to be sure. Sandi might still have it in for Stacy, but who cared. He would have to be sure about hospital clothing, procedures, and so on. Maybe they were in the hospital for more than food poisoning, something more serious. People don't stay overnight for food poisoning. More thought was required.

It was stupid to spend so much time thinking up a new story when he had so many in production, and the Quinn as Spy had to go first. But he could not resist, and he knew that wherever they were, Sandi and Quinn would appreciate being thought of. Trying to escape a blazing hospital from an upper floor would provide nice dramatic fanfic roles for them, and he had been thinking about screwing up Sandi's life again for some time. This would work.

As long as WacoKid did not post more of that damn sponge-bath story.

 

--Roger E. Moore

 

 

This latest obsession had really gone too far, thought Helen Morgendorffer. Across the living room paced Jake, snooping and investigating the scene. A magnifying glass in his hand, Jake peered into corners seen by few and that few wanted to see. This was not an unusual event in the Morgendorffer household. It hadn't been for weeks.

At first, it had almost been cute, Helen reflected. The day Jake boldly strode in wearing a trenchcoat and fedora was one to remember. Indeed, since that time, his rants about his father, the military school and everything had almost ceased.

In their place however, new habits had emerged. There was the constant pacing, the paranoia, the gruff manner, the continual talk of 'crime'. A fortnight ago, Jake had occupied the Morgendorffer guest room. This became his new base of operations. Soon after, Jake had taken a lengthy leave of absence from his consulting position, citing 'more important things'.

Then, Helen had thought that Jake was truly out to bring the spice back into their marriage. He had understood her desires and now was reaching out, becoming a caring husband, finally confronting problems, their relationship becoming ever closer, ever more romantic-

Or so it had seemed. Almost lost in thought, Helen reflected in the reality emblazoned upon the guest room door;

Jake Morgendorffer, Private Eye

'Its a calling Helen' Jake had explained. Ever since that day, he had anticipated the calls of citizens in need of a detective. Criminals were everywhere, and he was going to do something about it.

Originally dismissed as an elaborate cry for help by his family, Jake's agency continued to search for those in need. Outside, the street posts were festooned with advertising. Surprisingly, it had actually been effective.

The phones had lit up. Somehow, Jake Morgendorffer had touched a public nerve. Ever since, he had seen life as a succession of cases.

Most memorable was 'The Case of the Stolen School Spirit Banner'. The culprit, Andrea, (always the quiet ones, Jake mused) had returned the banner and Jake had been rewarded by a grateful school. By appearing at a school assembly to receive this reward, he knew that his daughters would be thrilled at their old man's success... Even if their horrified reactions did little to show it.

'But that was in the past' Jake thought. A more important case was occupying him. It had struck close to home. Two nights ago, a Morgendorffer family dinner (With Daria's friend Jane as a guest) had ended in mystery. Somehow, the stew he had spent hours painstakingly preparing had disappeared before it could be eaten.

It had hit Jake hard. Everyone *loved* his cooking, he thought, and now a malicious someone had expressed their distaste. What had happened? Everyone was a suspect. Helen, Daria, Jane, even Quinn could have committed the dastardly deed.

'That meal was like a child to me. I must avenge it' said a distraught Jake soon after. Immediately, he put aside all other cases (That one with that Maltese Falcon would just have to wait) and set to work. Large areas of the household were set aside for close inspection. All suspects had been exhaustively interviewed.

Initially, it had seemed hopeless. All suspects professed their innocence, and evidence was not forthcoming. Then, a single piece had turned the tide.

While searching through the garden for a fifth time, Jake had come upon his beloved stew. Much of it had evaporated, but enough remained to indicate its sad fate. He collected what remained. A test in his personal crime-lab (Known to some as the kitchen) had indicated the time of displacement. 7:04 pm, Wednesday June 16th.

Suddenly, inspiration hit like a bolt of lightning. 'Daria!' Jake recalled her presence in the window's vicinity at that time. Unusually, she had even offered to carry over the steaming bowl of stew. It all made sense.

Jake was a tumult of emotions, pleased at a job well done and distressed at the betrayal of his own daughter. None of this internal struggle showed upon his face. [/i]'A good detective never betrays his emotions'[/i] he thought. That had been a major piece of his training obsessively watching film noir and reading Sherlock Holmes.

Betraying little emotion, Jake called, 'We're having a family meeting! You too Jane!'

Within minutes, Helen, Quinn, Daria and Jane [hastily summoned for the occasion] assembled at the dinner table.

"I have gathered you for a very important reason", Jake began.

Before he could continue, he was interrupted by Daria. "You want an oration for your stew? she uttered.

'Thats exactly the attitude I expected from you Daria. For I have discovered that you...threw away my stew! Jake responded to a collective gasp.

"Well yes- But how? Daria stammered in an unusually nervous tone.

'Yes, I had anticipated that question. Your plan was ingenious, but you forgot about who you were reckoning with. Your stated alibi of being 200 miles away in a holiday house seemed hollow, a joke perhaps. Then I started thinking. Who would have the cold hearted will to destroy my pride? The answer was obvious, but I had no evidence.

That changed this afternoon, when I found the remains of my stew, cold, uneaten, unloved, damnit! Initial testing revealed the time of departure, triggering a memory of your being in the kitchen at 7:04 pm on June 16th. Questioning of other witnesses confirmed my impression of your absence at the dinnertable. Next time, don't commit your crimes in front of your sharp gumshoe dad."


Daria, wavering, tried to maintain her composure. Jane and Quinn sat quietly, concealing their complicity in Daria's fiendish plot.

'Daria! Is this true? accused Helen.

'I did it, and I'll do it again' a defeated Daria responded.

'Daria Morgendorffer, I am shocked...Well, actually not, but, you are to face the Family Court for sentencing. The trial begins at 7:00 pm tomorrow night.' detailed Helen.

'And Jake, honey, congratulations on a case well done.'. As Daria, Jane and Quinn rapidly moved elsewhere, Helen moved across to kiss her successful husband.

Jake smiled contentedly. His stew had been avenged, and he had rekindled his marital relationship.

'My work here is done... Until the next case.'

 

--Gregor Samsa

 

 

As the wet sponge slowly traced its way over Sandi's nude body, she shivered.

"Oh, Quinn, that's cold."

Quinn just smiled.

"Maybe this will help warm you up."

Sandi moaned deleriously as Quinn's warm breath played against her skin..

 

--WacoKid

 

 

As the wet sponge slowly traced its way over Sandi's nude body, she shivered.

"Oh, Quinn, that's cold."

Quinn just smiled.

"Maybe this will help warm you up."

Sandi moaned deleriously as Quinn's warm breath played against her skin..

 

...and that was when the fire broke out in the hospital room right below them.

 

--Roger E. Moore

 

 

"Hello, my baby; Hello, my honey, Hello my ragtime pal..." sang the frog as the wheels began turning in Daria's head. "Boy, Quinn's really going to get it this time," she subvocalised.

 

--Ben Breeck

 

 

"Quinn, why did Jodie just hand us this huge bag of Oreos? And why did she include this slip of paper with her and Mack's room number?"

Quinn sighed as she tried once again to pull the frabric of her bikini material out to cover herself. "I don't know. Maybe it's some weird greeting down here to the tourists. Dang, why did the dry cleaner have to mess up out bathing suits?"

Tiffany held up her creation. "Look. I. Made. A. Double. Double. Stuff."

 

--DrMike

 

 

Corinne was napping on the loveseat. A gentle tapping at the door woke her. She opened the door to see a petite student in a green jacket and glasses.

It was her new roomate Daria carrying a large stack of books and folders in from her latest assignment, or so Corinne thought thats what they were for. As she helped get the last of the books into the room she opened a folder and nude pictures of herself sleeping came pouring out of said folder.

Daria's face immediately turned red and thought, This is going to be tough to explain...

 

--A.J.

 

 

Even Daria was stunned into silence as she checked into the long forgotten "Jane-Cam" and was stunned by the sight of her best friend in leather from head to toe.

"Dammit Jane, not another 'Star Wars' convention! Thats the third one this month! You could at least go as a different character than Darth Vader! Sheesh! I suppose Upchuck is going as Leia again?"

On cue Upchuck came onscreen and was in Princess Leia garb from episode 6, gold bikini and all.

"I had to say it."

 

--A.J.