Scenes no Daria fanfic
should ever have! IV
Anthony
and Cleopatra
A scene. [More specifically, Act IV, Scene XV)
Cleopatra-O Charmian, I will never go from hence!
Charmian-Be comforted, dear madam.
Cleopatra-No, I will not.
All strange and terrible events are welcome,
But comforts we despise, our size of sorrow,
Proportion'd to our cause, must be as great
As that which makes it.
[Enter Diomedes, below.]
How now, is he dead?
Diomedes-His death's upon him, but not dead.
Look out o' th' other side your monument;
His guard have brought him thither.
[Enter, below, Anthony, borne by the Guard.]
Cleopatra-O Sun,
Burn the great sphere thou mov'st in! Darkling stand
The varying shore o' th' world. O Anthony,
Anthony, Anthony! Help, Chairman; help, Iras, help;
Help, friends below! Let's draw him thither.
Anthony-Cleopatra, calm down!
Caesar has not defeated me,
But I have triumphed over myself!
Cleopatra-So should it be, that none but Anthony
Should conquer Anthony; but woe 'tis so!
Anthony-Listen, I am dying here, Egypt,
Dying because of an incompetent navy,
Waiting to give the poor last of a thousand
kisses on your lips, as I have nothing else to give on my lousy
salary!
Cleopatra-I dare not, dear.
Dear my lord, pardon! I dare not,
Lest I be taken. Not th' imperious show
Of the full-fortun'd Caesar ever shall
Be brooch'd with me. If knife, drugs, serpents, have
Edge, sting, or operation, I am safe.
Your wife Octavia, with her modest eyes
And still conclusion, shall acquire no honour
Demuring upon me. But come, come Anthony-
Help me, my women - we must draw thee up;
Assist, good friends.
Anthony-Octavia, the woman who walked
out on me for Caesar? O, be quick, or I'll be gone!
Cleopatra-Here's sport indeed! How heavy weighs my lord!
Our strength is all gone into heaviness;
That makes the weight. Had I great Juno's power,
The strong-wing'd Mercury should fetch thee up,
And see thee by Jove's side. Yet come a little.
Wishers were ever fools. O come, come, come.
[They heave Anthony aloft to Cleopatra]
And welcome, welcome! Die where thou hast liv'd.
Quicken with kissing. Had my lips that power,
Thus would I wear them out.
All-A heavy sight!
Anthony-I am dying, Egypt, dying.
Give me a drink and let me talk a little!
Cleopatra-No, let me speak and let me rail so high
That the false huswife Fortune break her wheel,
Provok'd by my offence.
Anthony-One word, queen. Go off with Caesar and abandon
me here!
Cleopatra-They do not go together.
Anthony-Gentle, hear me.
None about Caesar trust but Jakculeius.
Cleopatra-My resolution and my hands I'll trust;
None about Caesar.
Anthony-Do not cry about the miserable change now
at my end. Remember my former fortunes,
before I gave up my dignity to train a nation of fools,
Without the money to afford a navy or good trousers!
Without.. [cough] Now my spirit is going,
I can rant no more.
Cleopatra-Noblest of men, won't die?
Hast thou no care of me? Shall I abide
In this dull world, which in thy absence is
No better than a sty? O, see my women
[Anthony dies]
The crown o' th' earth doth melt. My lord!
O wither'd is the garland of the war,
The soldier's pole is fall'n! Young boys and girls
are level now with men. The odds is gone,
And there is nothing left remarkable
Beneath the visiting moon. [Swoons]
--Gregor
Samsa
"Look
at it this way, honey", as a grinning Mrs. Johanssen finished the final
preparations to the body-switching device with her assistant. "At least
after we switch bodies, you won't have to ever ask again, 'Does this make me
look too fat?', because you already will be fat."
Tiffany, wide-eyed and gagged while lying on a metal table strapped
completely down, could only shed a tear as she watch Mrs. Johanssen climbing
upon another metal table. This one, however, was specially-made, and very wide.
The assistant strapped her down as well, to prevent Tiffany from trying to
escape when the body change was complete.
Not that it mattered, anyway. Mrs. Johanssen and the assistant were planning
to kill her anyway afterwards, and dispose of her soon-to-be-obese body.
Tiffany desperately tried to turn her last thoughts toward anything that
was optimistic. At least...I won't have...to ask...'Does this...make me
look...too skinny...?'"
--Steven
Galloway
Startled
she turned, dropping the fly that she'd caught, and backed up against the
padded walls of the cell she now called home.
Mists poured under the door and coalesced into the familiar shape of her
dark mistress. Happy, she didn't look.
"Noooooo, no, no, nooooooo, Mistress!" whined Quinnfield,
"I didn't tell them. They made me do it. They were going to take away my
pets."
Her mistress stood there, impassive.
"Now Mistress, if you'd only have kept your promise, if you'd only
had made me immortal as you said, let me feed upon the blood, yes, the blood of
the greater ones..."
"Silence," came the cold monotone. "You have failed me,
Quinnfield."
"Noooooo, it's just like a small setback, henh-henh, nothing you
can't recover from Mistress, with all your darRRRRGHHH!!!"
Darula grabbed Quinnfield by the neck, intoned once more, "You have
FAILED me!" and gave her such a noogie.
Quinnfield squeeled and begged as her hair was cruelly mussed. Darula
threw her back against the cell wall, and said, "That's it, Sis, no more
spiders for you until you have written five hundred times upon your cell wall,
'I will not fink on my Dark Mistress.'"
Darula swept her arms high in a dramatic manner and became a mist once
again, pouring out of the cell in a huff.
Quinnfield screwed her face up, stuck her tongue out, and muttered,
"Brain."
"I HEARD THAT!" replied the spectral monotone.
"EAP!!!"
--Guy
Payne
The Griffin family didn't know what to do when the private
detective came to the door. The interview lasted only a few minutes with the
detective asking some very pointed questions about a business trip Tom had
taken to Hong Kong almost seventeen years ago.
"What's all of this got to do with anything?" Linda demanded as
Tom sank to the sofa, looking very worried.
"Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna make it really easy
for you." The detective walked through the front door and out to his car.
A minute later, he came back in with a seventeen year old girl following him.
"Mister Griffin, let me introduce you to your long lost daughter."
"Hiiiiiii daaaaaaaad," Tiffany said with a tear in her eye.
--Greystar
"Gaah dammit!" Jake swore as he fruitlessly searched the refrigerator. "How am I supposed to make Chinese cucumber soup without cucumbers! Who keeps taking my jumbo cucumbers?" He turned and glared at Helen, Daria, and Quinn. All three were blushing.
--Galen Hardesty
"I know this will come as a shock to all of you, but less than a year after the commitment ceremony, I got high on the brown stuff and ran off with this asian woman. Turns out after all these years I had a daughter I supported her while she grew up, but kept her a secret for fear of how you all would react. That's why you never see too much money from the consulting job, it goes mostly to her. She's here now"
Everyone gasped except Daria, who kept her usual stoic demeanor.
Thank God we signed the prenup thought Helen. "I must say I'm shocked and appalled that you kept this a secret for all these years! However I am willing to forgive you since you did the honorable thing and didn't turn your back on her. Bring her in, don't just let her stand outside"
Jake yelled to the front door, "You can come in now, sweetie!"
In walked.....
Angela Li!
Needless to say, EVERYONE in the living room gasped this time, then dropped dead on the spot.
"Just came by to say that Tiffany is running late <sees dead bodies> Ta!" Ms Li excused herself in a hurry while Jake was busy with his heart attack.
The end.
--A.J.
"But Moooooooooooooooooooooooom!"
"For the last time, Quinn, NO, you may not pose for Hustler."
--WacoKid
"I won't be ignored!" Quinn screamed as she attacked David with the kitchen knife.
--WacoKid
"Look, Quinn," David said, trying to let her down gently, "it's very flattering, and you're a really nice kid, but you're not my type."
"But, I already told you!" Quinn cried, "I don't care what you look like."
David sighed. "Quinn, look, when I go out, it has to be with someone who has -- how can I put this? -- a lot more backbone and attitude than you."
Quinn just stared blankly, not understanding.
"Someone," David continued, "Like your friend Sandi."
"Sandi?" Quinn sputtered weakly, her eyes starting to tear up.
"Yeah," David responded, really upbeat. "She and I really hit it off when I was at her house. I can't tell you how refreshing it was to meet a girl who has such strong opinions and isn't afraid to share them. Not like you, Quinn."
"Wh-what?"
"Oh yeah," he continued. You're just so spineless and wishy-washy, always letting people walk all over you and agreeing with anything people say just to be liked."
Quinn felt herself start to die inside.
"But, Sandi, she's just ... wow." David's eyes took on a dreamy look. "She's so strong and willful. And she won't compromise her principles for anything. And with that commanding gaze, you just know she's going to go places in this world. Places you could never hope to reach, Quinn."
Quinn's lip quivered as tears started to role down her cheeks.
"And she's just so beautiful," David sighed. "Especially that perfect brown hair of her. So much nicer to look at than that hidious carrot-colored mop on your head. I mean, really, it's all I can do to keep from throwing up every time I look at it."
Quinn wished that the earth would just swallow her up right then and there.
"But best of all," David said as his breath quickened, "are her feet. Her glorious, magnificent feet. Especially in those incredibly black leather snaptab boots. Oh God, I hope she'll let me smell them tonight after she kicks me repeatedly in the crotch. No one's ever kicked me as good as she has. Oh, ecstatic bliss!"
Quinn just stared as David sat there with an orgasmic look on his face. Her pain and sorry had turned to confusion, and was now turning just as quickly to rage and disgust.
David never saw the kitchen chair that broke over his face, knocking him unconscious.
The anger stayed, and by the end of the day, Quinn would be the new President of the Fashion Club, and by the end of the week, Tori Jerrico would be the newest member of the fashionable foursome.
Not that Sandi would care. She had found her new calling in life, and the male crotches of Lawndale High would never be the same.
Especially when everyone learned that Mack MacKenzie was into that kind of thing.
--WacoKid
"Quinn," asked Tiffany, finishing off an entire large pepperoni, cheese, sausage and Canadian bacon pizza by herself, "do I look fat?"
Quinn hesitated. She knew Tiffany had eaten six cheeseburgers earlier that day. But she decided to be honest
"Well, yeah, Tiffany, after all, you've been eating enough for ten people lately. You look very fat."
"Good. 'Cause I've been thinking of taking up sumo wrestling."
--M Man
As Daria blinked to get rid of the sleep in her eyes, she noticed something strange about her surrounidings.
Why was Quinn dressed up like a Sailor Senshi, Mack looking like his HMO was Radio Shack, Upchuck dressed up like Robin of DC Comics fame, and Tad Gupty looking so green?
Then Daria felt her forehead. She apparently had this jewel stuck in it.
"Oh, no," she sighed. It looks like it's just going to be one of those days.
--Ben Breeck
The tropical sky was a beautiful blue and bright clouds scudded along, but the scene below was far from peaceful.
One might say it was downright Hellish.
Amtracks, LST's and other landing craft churned shoreward, searching for a free spot of beach not occupied by their damaged and burning kind. Beyond on the deep green-blue Pacific, gray ships spouted fire and smoke, sending huge shells inland.
On the beach, on the small strip of land between the seawall and the sea, Marines hunkered and died. Human body parts littered the shore and bobbed in the waves. Occasionally squads of Marines tried to broach the sea wall, only to fall back, wounded and dying from the withering fire of Japanese machine guns.
The noise was indescribable, the smell worse. Mortar shells arced over head and exploded in the middle of an incoming LST. A Corsair, flying low over the island, caught fire near the engine and exploded over the heads of four frightened girls huddling against the seawall, screaming in terror as bits of the aircraft splashed offshore.
Tiffany vigorously rubbed an oriental lamp, feversihly thinking, "That couldn't have been the last wish, it just couldn't!"
Sandi finally turned to her and through her tears and terror finally yelled, "Tiffany, you God-damned idiot, that's "TIARA," not TARAWA!!!"
--Guy Payne
Daria sat in the dark, the only light coming from the search light that in its circular motion shone through the open window. It was hot. Too damn hot for this late at night. But all the customers were gone now. It was just her and Trent.
Trent was sitting nearby aimably talking to Daria, trying to shake her out of her mood. Tonight was a bad night. He knew. She knew it. The bar is closed by that damn Angela Li. Tom was in town, and Trent knew Daria was broken up by it.
Daria poured another shot into the glass. The bottle was half empty already. What a waste of alcohol, Daria thought. But no one's going to buy it anyway. Finally sick of Trent talking around it, she slammed the glass on the table and hollered at him, "You played it for him, you can play it for me. Play it!"
Trent shook his head, but picked up his guitar and strummed the chords. His voice broke the silence of the night as he started singing, "Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer weiner..."
--Bryan Lagerstam
It was Halloween eve and Brittany was mad.
Kevin was late (again) and she was getting cold.
"Oooooh...when he gets here..." she said to herself, mostly to break the silence. He'd promised to meet her by the lake before sunset. He knew she didn't like being alone after dark ever since that horrible thing that had happened to Tiffany the week before.
Brittany got really sad thinking about Tiffany. Somebody had stabbed her over 30 times and left her body in the woods. The police thought there might be a madman or something on the loose. So where whas Kevin?
Brittany spun around suddenly as she heard a twig crack behind her.
"Kevvy?" she whimpered softly into the darkness. "Kevvy...come on, I'm getting scared!"
Only silence answered her.
Then she heard it.
"Kevvy?"
"Kevvy, I mean it!"
"Fine, Mr. Inaccurate! That's the theme to Friday the 13 and Jason is at Camp Crystal Lake, NOT in Lawndale. And it's almost Halloween anyway, you're trying to think of Freddy Kruger. Hmph!" She turned around and began to stalk off.
"Awww...babe!" Kevin exclaimed, "come on I was just fooling around. Babe!"
Brittany spun around again, just in time to see Kevin suddenly impaled on a machete. She screamed and ran as fast as her legs could carry her back toward the town of Lawndale.
Back by the lake, Mack removed his scream mask as he pulled his Machete out of Kevin's chest.
"I TOLD him to stop calling me that!"
--Isa Yo-Jo
"Look,
Quinn," David said, trying to let her down gently, "it's very flattering,
and you're a really nice kid, but you're not my type."
"But, I already told you!" Quinn cried, "I don't care what you
look like."
David sighed. "Quinn, look, when I go out, it has to be with someone who
has -- how can I put this? ----- A rack the size of 2 watermelons on steroids,
an a$$ that puts J-lo to shame, and lips fatter than yours after a fist fight,
got it?
Quinn could only stare wordlessly, and then she slapped him, before he could
recover she bashed him on the head with 2 watermelons, led him to the backyard
to get kicked by their pet donkey named Donkey, and smashed him with a right
jab that would make Mike Tyson proud right to the lips.
David shook himself out of it and said "Not exactly what I had in mind,
but....I want you now on the kitchen table!"
Quinn was on the table ready and waiting before he could finish his sentance,
"Bring it on Stud-Boy!!!!! And don't forget to bring Donkey in for some
fun, too!!!"
--A.J.
[A
considerably slower tinkly version of 'You're Standing On My Neck' plays,
accomanied by a montage of distinctly familar looking babies and toddlers in
assorted mischief, looking as cute as possible.]
Got to get off,
this is my cot,
I may go potty,
We've got to be content,
singing in our play-pen
laughing at everything
With friends we'll be alright,
Our days are always bright,
We're singing in our play-pen,
We're learning and playing,
Just like we planned it,
We're singing in our play-pen,
We're singing in our play-pen,
We're singing in our play-pen.
[Focus on a much younger, cheery Daria. She blushes.)
Daria-Excuse..Me.
[The title 'Daria Babies' appears in building blocks.]
Out Of The Play-Pen
Jake-I just can't get over how cute all our babies are!
Helen-I know Jake, they are very cute. Well, I have to go and win a
case!
(Helen heads over to the abformentioned play-pen, containing Daria, Jane,
Quinn, Sandi, Stacy, Tiffany, Kevin, Brittany, The Three Js and Andrea, in
todder versions of themselves.)
Helen-Now be good, and don't get up to any mischief while I'm gone.
Especially, don't go outside. Now Jake will be in charge, Bye!
[Exit Helen. Focus on the play-pen. The toddlers are communicating in a
language mysteriously indiscernable to all around them.]
Daria-What will we do?
Jane(Holds pencils and paper)-Draw!
Brittany-Cheer!
Kevin-(Holds miniature football and helmet)-I'm...Q.B.
Daria-Yes Kevin. I know, lets sing a song! I like you, you like me...
Quinn-No! Lets go on an adventurer. [This mispronounciation reminding us
of the fact that Quinn is indeed a cutesy baby.]
Sandi-I agree.
Tiffany-Yeah...Ad-vent-urer.
Daria-But we were told to be good.
Quinn-Gee Daria, you are a bore. Lets go!
[Before Daria and Jane can react, the rest of the gang grabs a toy wrench and
unlocks the play-pen! They head out. Daria and Jane remain.]
Jake-Might just have a glass of milk! (He falls asleep immediately. The
babies crawl under his chair.)
Stacy-Where are we going?
Quinn-Outside.
Tiffany-Nappy..Me..Look..Fat?
(Soon, the babies have indeed gone outside. What dangers could possibly ensue?)
Jeffy-You're so smart Quinn.
Joey-Yeah, smarter than your dumb sister.
Jamie-Totally.
Quinn-Thanks guys!
Stacy-Quinn, is this such a good idea? Lets go back inside.
Sandi-Gee, relax. Nothing will happen.
[Immediately, the open door blows shut. The babies are locked outside!]
Stacy-Quinn?
Kevin-Q...B.
Quinn-What now?
Stacy Oh no, we're locked outside!
Sandi & Brittany-With no bottles!
Joey-What can we do?
Quinn-Of, if only we had listened to Daria and Jane!
[Cut to the interior of the playpen. Daria and Jane are quietly singing and
drawing, when loud crying becomes audible.]
Jane-Looks like they've done it again.
Daria-Better go save them.
[With stirring music in the background, Daria too unlocks the play-pen. They
crawl past the oblivious Jake, muttering about his father.]
Jane-How can we help?
Daria(With great determination)-Get the blocs Jane. *giggle*
[Cut to outside. Within the space of minutes, it has grown dark, with coyotes
howling in the background. The babies shiver and continue to cry.]
Quinn-Oh, if only we had listened to Daria!
Tiffany-Yeah...
[Suddenly, the door opens, revealing Daria and Jane atop a pile of blocks. The
day has been saved!]
Sandi-Gee, thanks Daria.
Stacy-Yeah, thanks!
Kevin-Q..B.
Daria-It was nothing. Lets go in before Mom arrives!
[Upon reaching the play-pen, Jake awakens, having conveniently been asleep for
all their misadventures, but there to see them peacefully sleeping.]
Jake-Aw.They're so cute! I still can't get over it!
[Helen arrives, a blonde, perky woman with her.]
Helen-Jake, this is my sister Amy.
[Helen, Jake and Amy gather near the playpen.]
'Aunt Amy'-[A disturbingly upbeat doppelganger. Amy Barksdale may be a cartoon
character, but she has principles.] Hi. Your children look so peaceful, as if
they've been like this all along. And they're so cute!
Quinn-Well I've sure learned my lesson.
Daria-Thats right kids, don't go outside when unsupervised.
Jane-Or bad things can happen!
'Amy'-Why are there so many kids around here anyway?
Jake-Never thought about that!
[At this allegedly humourous conclusion, all and sundry begin to laugh, closing
on a touching shot of the babies and toddlers engaging in a group hug. Aww...]
--Gregor Samsa
Daria and Trent sat by the side of the road, next to the Tank, which had broken down on the way to Alternapalooza. Trent cassually strummed his guitar.
Daria, nervous and uncomfortable being around Trent without Jane - or anyone else - with them, desperately groped for some way to break the ice. Being nervous made her thirsty, so she took another swig from tea Jane had packed.
"Um, what cord is that?"
"G" was Trent's monosylobic reply.
"Oh."
Daria nervously took another swallow.
"Umm, nice tattoo. Tribal?"
Daria was so nervous her mouth felt like cotton. She couldn't help but take yet another long pull from her drink.
Trent stopped playing.
"Mayori."
After a short pause, during which Daria drank again, he continued.
"I copied it out of Tattoo World's international issue."
"Very graphic." Daria couldn't help but wince at how lame that sounded. "And meaningful."
Trent smiled as Daria took another drink to cover her nervousness.
"Yeah, it really makes a statement."
Daria took another drink, part of it dribbling unnoticed down her chin. Trent's voice seemed distorted somehow. Like it was getting slower and moving away from her.
"You know what it is?" Trent asked, a big grin on his face.
Daria tried to say something, but nothing but mumbled words and large amounts of drool came out of her slackening mouth. Everything around her was going into some strange jumbled swirl of blacks and oranges. All she could see was Trent's giant, grinning, disembodied head, slowly getting bigger and bigger as it began to slowly rotate before her eyes.
"I got a tattoo out of a magazine."
But Daria never heard the last line, as her eyes roled up into her head and she fell backwards into unconsciousness.
Jane and Jesse came out of the corn field were they'd been hiding.
"Jeeze, I thought that tropical frog venom/plant pulp concoction Penny sent us would never kick in. Still, she said it was way better than roofies."
Trent frowned as he stuck his guitar back in the van.
"I still don't see why we have to do this, Janie. I mean, I thought Daria was like your friend."
Jane just rolled her eyes as Jesse helped Trent put the limp and drugged Daria into the Tank.
"She is my friend, and that's why I'm doing this. It's for her own good."
********************
Daria awoke with a loud ringing in her ears, an even louder buzzing in her brain, and the feeling that her tongue had swollen up to the size of a football.
Just as her eyes started to focus, the face of Jane loomed over her.
"Hey, amiga, are you OK?"
Daria could only mumble in responce.
"You really gave us a scare. Trent said you'd just sort of passed out while he was talking to you."
Daria tried to sit up but her head swirled.
"Wh-what happend?"
"We're not sure. I guess maybe between the bee sting, the heat, the stress and all that tea you were drinking, it was more than your system could handle."
Daria's arms and legs felt like soft rubber, and she ached all over.
"Here, have some more water. Just a little, you don't want to make yourself sick."
As she swallowed what she could, Daria finally noticed she was in the back of the Tank. Trent's voice called from up front.
"Are you OK, Daria?"
Daria felt herself start to blush. This had to be the most embaressing thing that could've happened in front of Trent. Daria hoped she hadn't barfed - or worse - while she was out.
Jane patted Daria's hand.
"Don't worry. We'll be home in a few minutes. Then you can sleep it off in your own bed."
At the mention of bed, Daria felt herself overcome by exhaustion. As she closed her eyes, she missed the wicked smirk on Jane's face, as well as the wide grin Trent was sporting.
********************
That Monday, Daria and Jane walked to school together.
"So, do you think you're finally over that 24 hour bug?"
"Yeah. God, I can't believe that happened."
"Well, sometimes it happens, and you just have to deal with it."
"I guess."
As the duo approached the doors of Lawndale High, Daria didn't notice the whispered stares coming from some of the students milling around outside. However, by the time Daria reached her locker, she couldn't help but notice how everyone kept looking at her.
"What's their problem?"
Jane shrugged, her poker face perfect.
"Beats me. Probably the usual result of swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool."
As the two started to enter Mr. O'Neal's room, Jodie ran up to them.
"Oh my God, Daria, tell me it isn't true."
Daria just blinked.
"That what isn't true?"
Jodie just pointed to the massive display of photographs aranged in the room.
"THAT!"
Daria stared in horror. The pictures told a graphic tale of unfathomable betrayal from the person she trusted more than anyone in the world. The person who was at this very moment standing next to her, grinning maniacally.
Tears fell from Daria's eyes as she looked into the face of her Judas.
"Jane, how could you do this to me?"
Jane laughed.
"I've been planning this since the day we met, Daria. Hell, my every waking moment has been spent bringing this about. In fact, I've come to believe that it's what I was made for. My very reason for being. I could no more not do this than I could not breath."
Daria just stood there, her world collapsing around her.
The photo callage was practically mocking her.
The photos, under a banner reading "Congratulations", of Daria and Trent's Vegas wedding.
--WacoKid
As her best friend, Jane Lane and the members of Mystik Spiral watched her intensely, Daria Morgendorffer suddenly clapped her hands to her head and screamed in agony...and fell over stone dead.
Trent turned to a smirking Jane. "Damn it, Janey, I guess you were right after all. The stuff is a hundred percent pure."
"Damn right," Jane said, "It had better be, for the twenty grand that I gave Paco." She held up a bag of dark powder, one of about twenty or so that littered the floor of the basement. "The best black tar heroin that Peru has to offer!" She waved amiably over her shoulder. "Be sure to thank Penny for being our go between, guys!"
Max glanced over in the corner at Penny's bullet riddled corpse and just barely held back a snort. God, little Janey sure had a sense of humor these days, he thought. He snapped out of his thoughts and asked mildly, "Who's going first?"
"Trent is," Jane said, "after all, it's his birthday." She looked lovingly at her older brother. "And later bro, after we've tidied up a bit, we'll order those underage Latvian hookers, just like you like."
Trent smiled at his little sister. "Thanks sis (cough), you sure know how to show your bro a good time." He stood up, stretched and threw a shovel to Max and Nick. "Okay," he snarled, "let's get this s**t cleaned up."
--Brandon League
As Daria blinked to get rid of the sleep in her eyes, she noticed something strange about her surrounidings.
Why was Quinn dressed up like a Sailor Senshi, Mack looking like his HMO was Radio Shack, Upchuck dressed up like Robin of DC Comics fame, and Tad Gupty looking so green?
Then Daria felt her forehead. She apparently had this jewel stuck in it.
"Oh, no," she sighed. It looks like it's just going to be one of those days.
"What's going on here?" Mack asked, looking at his new crome highlights.
"Good question."
Daria looked behind her at the sound of Jane's voice and saw . . .
"Rrowr!" Upchuck / Robin waggled his eyebrows lecherously.
Daria blinked as she took in the new sight before her. Jane was wearing a skintight jumpsuit and her blue eyes were glowing electric green. Trent's eyes were now completely orange and his skin had turned a seafoam color and Jodie had sprouted great, feathered wings. Tom was wearing all black and some kind of pointy-eared cowl. Tiffany was wearing some kind of red, white, blue, and gold corset and Stacy had a half shirt and goggles over her eyes.
"Just what are we in for now?" Jane asked, looking at the ring on the middle finger of her right hand.
--Greystar
"Hey, Jane," Trent said as he came into the room. "Hey, Daria," he added when he saw her sitting there.
"Wow," Jane looked at him, "you look . . ."
"Awake," Daria added.
"And dressed to the nines," Jane finished. "What's the occassion?"
"I'm running away to Vegas to get married," He announced with a grin.
"No," Jane shook her head, "really."
"Really, Janey," Trent told her. "She's supposed to meet me here, then we're taking her car to the airport." The doorbell caused him to turn and head for the door. "That's her," he called behind him.
"You think he's serious?" DAria asked.
"Have you ever seen him in pants without a hole in them before?" Jane replied. A second later, the two were charging down the stairs as Trent opened the door for his fiance.
Jane reached the bottom of the stairs before she realized that Daria had stopped. She looked up at her friend to see the look of shock as Daria muttered two words at the woman who had stepped into the Lane home and was passionately kissing Trent.
"Aunt Amy?"
--Ranger Thorne
'Later'. Trent Lane hung up the phone, and walked into the lounge room of his stylish Seattle apartment, rented with room-mates in an attempt to discover the true roots of grunge, some nine months ago.
While this had not succeeded, he had entered into a new lifestyle with his kooky roomies Kevin Thompson, Tom Sloane, and Brett Jones. Indeed, Trent mused, he had sure gotten up to various misadventures and escapades in the time since which 'Daria' had left him.
This musing was interrupted by the entrance by his lovable if idiotic friend Kevin Thompson, tripping over a chair. That odd laughter had resounded again too. Funny that, thought Trent. He had only known Kevin since he too had moved to Seattle, following the announcement of his repeating senior grade. Kevin had had to leave, and Seattle was as good a place as any other. "Hey Tre-Daddy, who was on the phone?"
"I told you not to call me that' Trent responded, and then continued; 'It was my sister Jane Lane, [Applause with no apparent source suddenly sounded] who is doing well in her new life at BFAC. She also said her best friend Daria Morgendorffer [More sourceless applause] is just great, and told her that her family is also well, with Helen finally getting that promotion...." Kevin fell asleep.
He awoke to hear Trent continue;
"Who told her that Val is fine, as are Mrs Johanson, Brett Ruttheimer, Tad and Tricia Gupty, Andrea, Brooke, and Guy Fawkes Day.. Thats about it'.
'Yeah dude! That reminds me. I also got a phone call.. Mack says that hes swell, telling me that Brittany and the cheerleading squad are tearing it up at Great Prairie State, who told her that.... I forgot. Oh.. Lets go to our regular hangout"
"You mean Greasy Moe's?" Trent asked.
"Yeah, that place is great" Kevin replied.
"It sure is, with our new and even wackier friends and cronies getting up to all sorts of mischief." interjected Tom Sloane, having returned from a hard day counting his riches.
"But before we go, who left all that mess about the house?"
Trent, Kevin and Brett blushed, as that mysterious laughter began yet again.
...........
Scenes from that spinoff hit, 'AfterDaria'.
--Gregor Samsa
Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to find himself metamorphosed into a character from Daria as intelligent as a cockroach, namely Kevin Thompson...
--Aaron Adelman
This'll show 'em, Daria thought as she stuck the barrel of the shotgun in her mouth. Now they'll all be sorry they didn't pay more attention to me.
--Reese Kaine
"Oh, Daria," Quinn said melodramadicly from her hospital bed, "only now after I've been raped, outed as a lesbian, ODed on crystal meth and been in a near-fatal car crash - at the same time - do I realize that I've been wasting my life by not being more like you!"
--Reese Kaine
Call
me, Ishmael...
"Hey, Mack Daddy! Check this out! This guy's only got one leg! Cool!"
"I SAID call me Ishmael!"
"Yeah, whatever Mack Daddy."
--Isa Yo-Jo
Call
me, Ishmael...
"Hey, Mack Daddy! Check this out! This guy's only got one leg! Cool!"
"I SAID call me Ishmael!"
"Yeah, whatever Mack Daddy."
Fortunately for Ishmael/Mack, it was easy to trick Kevin into jumping into the sea as the ship was in the midst of a group of great white sharks...
--Aaron Adelman
Call
me, Ishmael...
"Hey, Mack Daddy! Check this out! This guy's only got one leg! Cool!"
"I SAID call me Ishmael!"
"Yeah, whatever Mack Daddy."
Fortunately for Ishmael/Mack, it was easy to trick Kevin into jumping into the sea as the ship was in the midst of a group of great white sharks...
But was bitterly disapointed when Kevin was spat back on deck intact.
(Even sharks have limits)
--Qwerty
Daria sat comfortably turning through the pages of her dictionary, examining various words important to her. Flicking randomly, she came upon the word that mattered most, the word that defined her being; cynic. She began to read the definition; 1. A sneering faultfinderl one who doubts or denies the goodness of human motives, and who often displays this attitude by sneers, sarcasm etc:.
"Ah, sarcasm", throught Daria, "It truly is a great way to deal". She read on, finally reaching its derivation; L. cynicus, from Greek kynikos, doglike, churlish, cynic....
--Gregor Samsa
They
broke into his house one night, it was so sad to say
But
he who'd written children's books had a friend he called 'AK'
Who
he handled with some skill as they found to their dismay
So
the police found them bound quite nicely on the floor where they did lay
There's
justice now in Whoville, and the Grinch should stay away
'Cause
Dr. Seuss joins the NRA, on 'Sick, Sad World' today!
--Brother Grimace
Daria was in the middle of a fierce battle with her enemies. Her comrades have fallen, and the squad leader of the enemy was advancing his forces on her position. Daria never wanted to be the first line of defense against an unstoppable enemy, she could just hear her so-called allies snickering and guffawing at her misery. She was not exactly the most popular of the team, and feared for months they would find a way to dump her without any reprimand from her leader.
Daria's best friend was still at her side, in fact, she was raring to jump into action. Daria decided now was the time. The enemy was only twenty feet from her, now had to be the time. Daria gave Jane the order she had been waiting for.
Jane transformed into a rod-like object, and Daria shoved her between Starscream's legs, and then started to shake violently. Starscream then suffered from a power overload, and fell over dead.
Daria wakes up, and finds her vibrator next to her, and throws it in the closet next to the Daria plush toy, and falls back asleep, mumbling something about stringing Jane up...........
--Reese Kaine
"Dreams really do come true" Daria remarked. And it was true, for many people had randomly burst into flames.
--Ms. Kinnikufan
"Dreams really do come true" Daria remarked. And it was true, for many people had randomly burst into flames.
This is the worst pain ever! Roger E. Moore thought as he collapsed on the floor of his office in a pile of charred clothing and ashes.
And
Jane was just about to get leukemia...
--Isa Yo-Jo
"Psssst, Upchuck," whispered Daria, "There's a religious group gathered for prayer out under the flagpole. I hear it's Wiccans performing skyclad."
As Upchuck ran for the door, shedding clothing as he ran, Daria and Jane ran to the front classroom to have an unobstructed view of the festivities at the Fellowship of Christian Atheletes annual "Meet at the Flagpole" day.
--Guy Payne
"I called this family meeting," Jake said, struggling fiercely to hang on to his Consultant's smile, "To announce that your mother has decided to retire from legal practice. She's been, um, a little overworked of late, and this seemed like a good time."
Quinn gasped, and she and Daria stared at Helen, sitting beside Jake wearing slacks, a pullover blouse that didn't go with them, and slippers. She blinked and smiled vaguely. Her left lower eyelid twitched once.
"Now I don't want you girls to worry about getting by on just my income. We'll have to cut back on a few things, sure. I'm going to cut out my trips to the track and my Thursday night poker games, and I'm sure you girls can get by on half the allowance you've been getting..."
Quinn gasped again, then quickly covered her mouth. Helen's eyelid twitched again, and she put a hand to it.
"...and we'll have to cancel the cable modem service,and cut back to one phone line..."
Quinn made a strangled squeaky noise that probably would have been "eep!" if not for her hands over her mouth. The corner of Helen's mouth began to twitch, and she brought up her other hand to cover it.
Jake looked over at Helen, then put his smile back on and continued. He was sweating. "...But I think we'll be able to keep basic cable TV, and I can save money by doing the shopping and cooking myself."
Quinn made another strangled squeaky noise, this time echoed by Helen and Daria.
"That's for me," Helen said in a shaky voice, as she got up and headed toward the phone.
Jake grabbed her and gently forced her to sit back down. "The phone didn't ring, honey, the phone didn't ring," he said soothingly.
"Uh, well, if that's all, I'm going to print up some cards advertising my, uh, typing service, and post them on the bulletin boards at Lawndale Community College. And, um, research service too. Yeah, that's the ticket, research..." Daria rose and headed for the stairs.
"Come on, honey, want to take your pill and have a nice nap?" Jake said to Helen, who was rapidly getting twitchier. "Oh. Quinn," he said as they made their way to the stairs, "I'm going to need you to return that advance on your allowance I gave you. And the credit card."
In her room, Daria switched on her computer and began collecting her available cash from the several hidden stashes, preparatory to moving it out of the house to a safer location. "So Dad's going to stop donating to the Thursday night poker game, is he?" she thought. "That means an empty seat at the table. Can't have that." Daria smiled.
Downstairs in the family room, Quinn sat alone, hands still over her mouth, eyes still wide with surprise. Big fat tears formed in them and rolled down her cheeks. Now Quinn knew when the good old days were. They had just ended.
--Galen Hardesty
Daria cringed in disgust to see Upchuck lounging by the women's restroom door. "Ugh, if I didn't have to really go, I would skip this".
As she approached, she stated a pre-emptive, "Don't even say it Upchuck, I am not, and never will be interested".
Upchuck grinned in reply, "Sorry my sweet, but I have attracted the interests of a fiesty older woman who appreciates my finer qualities, I am only awaiting her exit".
Thinking to herself, "At least he has some kind of distraction. But what kind of woman would be interested in him"? She opened the door to see the only occupant about to exit.
"Aunt Amy"?
--RLobinske
The orange sky cast a sickly glow over the strangely curved landscape, onto the fields and lake below the wooden bridge, the bridge that seemed to have no end. In the distance, two figures approached and in the foreground Daria had her hands clapped on her cheeks, her eyes wide and unfocused in terror and her mouth open in a silent scream.
Jane smiled at the canvas. It was always good to copy from the masters, even if you played around with it a bit. At least Daria liked it. She had said so a few minutes ago, before she left.
That, however, was before she finished her project. With a few deft strokes, she added detail to the approaching strangers; the somnambulant gaze of Trent and the friendly face of Tom.
--Guy Payne
Daria opens a door and interrupts Jane and Tomwho are in a passionate embrace. They break up to see who is intruding.
"Sorry about that."
"No biggie. You had to learn about kissing sometime."
"Yes, but evidently not in here." Daria replies as she backs out.
Shutting the door, she finds an expectant Upchuck waiting there.
"Sorry Charles, but the laundry room is already booked."
As they walk down the hallway, Daria continues "Maybe we can use a bedroom to make out in."
"I like how you think, my precious."
Daria gooses him.
"R-roww, fiesty!"
--Crabcake
It was a lovely day in Lawndale.
Then Mr. O'Neil felt a pain in his buttocks.
"Oh my! Oh my! Someone has! Some has shot me in butt" He then began to cry.
"OwwwwOWWWWWowww! GOdamNIT! Someone has mistaken my ass for a target too!" screamed Mr. Demartino.
Meanwhile on a rooftop somewhere...
"Gee, Daria you were right! Shooting people in the butt with sniper rifles is a great way of family bounding!" exclaimed Jake.
"Let's do the grenade launchers next!" Suggested Quinn.
--Ms. Kinnikufan
Jane wasn't sure how to react when Daria came to school dressed like Britney Spears.
However, Kevin did know how to react when Daria seduced him while singing Im A Slave 4 U.
"It's good to be the QB!"
--WacoKid
Corinne was napping on the loveseat that her roommate Janis had brought to the Raft dorm. A gentle tapping at the door woke her. She opened the door to see a petite student in a green jacket and glasses, wearing a large cross pendant.
"Hello," she said, "my name is Daria, and I'm with Campus Crusade For Christ..."
--Parker-man
"OK, let's all go over this one more time to make sure we all understand what's going on," Daria sighed as she addressed the assembled mob made up of the combined casts of her own show, Beavis & Butthead, King of the Hill, Family Guy, South Park, Clerks, Sailor Moon, The Power Puff Girls, Samurai Jack, Duckman, Harvey Birdman, Witch Hunter Robin, Thundar the Barbarian, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Bewitched, Highlander, the X-Men movies, Charlie's Angels, Back to the Future, Star Trek: Voyager, Full House, Three's Company and Iron Chef.
--WacoKid
Daria saw the oncoming headlights swerve into her lane, twisted the wheel and just had time to take a breath before the thunderous noise and bright flash of the wreck. Screaming, she flew through the air, wondering at her lack of pain from the impact. A second later, she collided with the ground.
Groggily sitting up, she squinted around, having lost her glasses. All she could see was a red blur.
"GREETINGS, FALLEN!" The booming voice rang out. "TREMBLE, FORSAKEN, FOR NOW YOU HAVE ENTERED *MY* REALM AND BECOME *MY* PROPERTY! NOW BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR LORD AND... Daria? Oh, no! What happened?"
Blinking, Daria looked up at a blur that resolved itself into into a familiar face. "Trent? What's happening? Where did you get those horns?"
Trent looked upset. "Sorry about the scary voice thing. It's all part of the deal. I got this gig by accident." He helped her up and slipped her glasses on her face.
Daria blinked at the burning plain around her. "I'M IN HELL!" She jumped into his arms, stared around wildly and stopped on Trent again, arrested by his amazing good looks. She was in hell. A virgin in hell. What a waste of time. "So... Are you going to punish me, um... Master?" She let her fingers trail down his chest, sounding less than absolutely terrified at the prospect.
Trent shrugged, beet red, a little distracted by the arm full of curves. "I don't really do that, Daria. Everyone punishes themselves here. I just sort of talk to them every once in a while, keep them from giving up on it or messing with each other too much."