Season Three
Upchuck
Sweet Daria, you don't have to resort to a ruse to get into my personal space. All you need do is ask.
Daria
Your personal space is the final frontier, Upchuck. One where I intend never to boldly go.
--"Through A Lense Darkly"
Daria
I hope you like poetry.
Mrs. Patterson
Oh, yes. My favorite birthday cards are the ones with poems in them.
Daria
(reading)
"I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness. Starving, hysterical, naked. Dragging themselves through the negro streets of dawn..." (time passes) "... the soul is innocent and immortal. It should never die ungodly, in an armed madhouse--"
(Mrs. Patterson presses call button)
Nurse
Mrs. Patterson, can I get you something?
Mrs. Patterson
Get me my walker. And then hit her with it!
--"The Old And The Beautiful"
Daria
Mrs. Blaine, what do you say I read you some Byron? (Mrs. Blaine grins and nods) Or...some really graphic smut? (Blaine nods again) You're deaf, aren't you?
--"The Old And The Beautiful"
Brittany
I'd like to dedicate this award to the senior citizens at the Better Days Nursing Home, who taught me a very valuable lesson: always wear your sunscreen.
Kevin
Yeah! Ratboy rocks!
(cheers and applause)
Daria
Please, God, an aneurysm.
Jane
For them or for you?
Daria
Both.
--"The Old And The Beautiful"
Daria
(turns TV off)
Could they make the holidays any more vulgar?
Jane
I hope so.
Daria
What?
Jane
The more debased they become, the less reason there is to celebrate them, and that means the less reason for my family to get together, until presto! I'm finally alone on Thanksgiving with a TV dinner.
Daria
Sometimes I wonder if you're too cynical, even for me.
Jane
Really? You think?
Daria
No. I was being sarcastic.
--"The Old And The Beautiful"
Jane
This is just like a High School.
Daria
You know, I get the feeling we'll be saying that all our lives.
St. Pat
It only seems like High School. Actually, it's much worse.
Jane
That's what we'll be saying all our lives.
--"Depth Takes A Holiday"
Quinn
"Spotlight: Lawndale Fashion Club - A Val Magazine Special
Photo Spread." What do you think?
Daria
I think the world's gone mad. Mad, I tell you.
Quinn
This is our chance to be the next international style center.
Daria
Paris. New York. Milan. Lawndale.
Quinn
Before that, that grunge, Seattle was just another city in our
nation's capital.
Daria
Wrong Washington.
Quinn
Yes, grunge was wrong, but you can't blame the whole state.
Daria
Welcome to Lawndale, where style meets substance and says, "see ya!"
--"The Lost Girls"
Daria
As far as I can make out, edgy occurs when middlebrow,
middle-aged profiteers are looking to suck the energy -- not to mention spending money -- out of the "youth culture." So they come up with this fake concept of seeming to be dangerous when every move they make is the result of market research and a corporate master plan.
--"The Lost Girls"
Brittany
Oh my gosh! Look at the jello!
Daria
It's jiggling.
Jane
Worried about the competition?
--"Daria!"
Quinn
Ok, mom. I'm coming home. I'll be the one in the Hefty bag.
--"Daria!"
Jane
I'm telling you, puppets make anything funny. Give me something that isn't funny.
Daria
Um... a plane crash -- into a nuclear power plant.
Jane
Okay. Now, picture the same plane crash, only the cabin is full of screaming puppets flailing their skinny little puppet arms. Funny, right?
Daria
Hmm... maybe. Are they on fire?
Jane
Hmm...
--"Jake Of Hearts"
Jake
Helen, you're going to miss out on all the guacamole! (taunting) Mom's going to miss the guacamole, Mom's going to miss the guacamole...
Helen
Enough with the guacamole! (into phone) No, not you, Eric!
Quinn
I think Bing has a crush on me. Daddy! You're using all the cheese!
Helen
Hey! What did the doctor tell you about cheese? (into phone) No, not you, Eric! (laughs) How would I know what the doctor told you about cheese? (beat) Why, sure, I'd love to hear what the doctor told you about cheese.
Jake
"What did the doctor tell you about cheese, Jake? What did the doctor tell you about cheese, Jake?" Why can't a man come home from a hard day's work and enjoy a lousy taco without it turning into... hey, you know, it's the darndest thing! I can't feel my arm! (starts wheezing)
--"Jake Of Hearts"
SSW Announcer
Are bats sneaking into your neighborhood disguised as cute flying squirrels? Rabid rodent rip-offs, tonight on Sick, Sad World!
Jake
(shrieks)
The bats of death! They've come for me!
Daria
Don't worry, Dad. It's just the bats of bad TV.
--"Jake Of Hearts"
Quinn
And guess what, Daddy? I'm going to study to be a doctor!
Jake
Hey, that's great!
Daria
Dr. Quinn, medicine moron.
--"Jake Of Hearts"
Spatula Man
Hey, chickaritas! Which one of you lovelies wants to go out for a night on the town with my man Charles and win a free bumper sticker, on Z-93?!
Sandi
Tiffany, dear. Would you please explain to the Spatula Man why a bumper sticker cannot possibly compensate for the shame and permanent reputation damage involved in a single date with Charles Ruttheimer.
Tiffany
Upchuck? Eww...
Sandi
Well done.
--"Jake Of Hearts"
Daria
(phone rings)
Um, Quinn? That is the phone, isn't it?
Quinn
Sorry, I'm studying.
Daria
(answers)
Hello? (beat) Mom, it's Marianne at the office.
Helen
I'll just have to call her back. Use the message pad.
Daria
Message pad? (grabs notepad) She'll have to get back to you when she regains her sanity. (beat) No, I don't know when that'll be. (beat) Okay. Bye. (hangs up, phone rings again, answers) Hello? (beat) Yes, Quinn's here, but she's studying. (beat) "Stud-y-ing." (beat) No, this isn't prank call. You called me. (beat) Okay. I'll tell her. (hangs up) That was--
Quinn
Message pad! (Daria leaves, game buzzes) Darn gall bladder!
--"Jake Of Hearts"
Daria
A few days ago, my father had a heart attack, forcing me to admit his mortality to myself for the first time. Accepting this grim new knowledge has been especially difficult, as I've been under constant, yammering assault by two utterly brainless and talentless so-called radio personalities. And so, for these reasons, I, Daria Morgendorffer, am mental in the morning.
--"Jake Of Hearts"
Quinn
Did you know the heart can take blue blood and make it red?
Ruth
Quinn, if you don't take your nose out of that book from time to time, you're going to get wrinkles.
Quinn
I thought of that, but the lady at the makeup counter said reading is okay as long as I pace myself.
Ruth
Wouldn't it be easier just to marry a nice doctor? Then you could stay home with your children and have dinner on the table for your husband every night.
Helen
Just what are you getting at, Ruth?
Daria
She wants you both to model your lives after hers. And who could blame her? After all, you were just telling Dad yesterday how you made all the right decisions in your life. Right, Grandma?
Ruth
I... well... I need to check on the laundry. (leaves)
Daria
You both owe me. (leaves)
Helen
How does she do that?
Quinn
You got me.
--"Jake Of Hearts"
Jane
So Grandma Ruth just took off?
Daria
She finally realized she was doing more harm than good.
Jane
And did you, perhaps, help her realize that?
Daria
I may have had a hand in her epiphany.
Jane
I hope you washed it thoroughly. So, with the Party Van gone, I guess your life is back to normal at school and at home.
Daria
You know, as stupid as both places are, I see now that they could be a lot worse.
Jane
Why, Daria, are you becoming an optimist?
Daria
Hmm, I'm not sure. Hold up your glass. (Jane holds up glass) Nope... still half-empty.
Jane
Guess it was just a phase.
Daria
Although the half that's there looks delightfully refreshing.
--"Jake Of Hearts"
Daria
(rummaging under Trent's bed)
Please, God, no amusing surprises. Ah. (pulls notebook out) Um... maybe just a peek. "My heart is like an open wound that reads the tea leaves of its doom." What? "Soothe me with redemption's love like a heat-proof kitchen glove." God, I hope this is a first draft.
--"Speedtrapped"
Ms. Li
Settle down, young people! Now, before the varsity interpretive dance team begins its performance -- "History, We Are You" -- we have a brief announcement from some special guests, agents...
(agents shoulder Ms. Li away from podium)
Male Agent
No names.
Female Agent
No credentials.
Male Agent
Students, we'll be brief. We've received some disturbing reports from this school, and we're asking for your cooperation.
Female Agent
Keep your eyes open. Watch for people who are different. They know who they are.
Male Agent
And with your help, kids, so will we.
Jane
Different, eh? Hmm... I wonder what I get if I turn you in?
Daria
More free time to spend with Kevin and Brittany.
Jane
Curse you different ones and your insidious logic.
--"The Lawndale File"
Jane
Come on, not even aliens would give the planet to the Fashion Club. You're getting paranoid.
Daria
I'm not talking about aliens. But there's something out there. Something stupid.
--"The Lawndale File"
Artie
Could you hurry up? I got other pizzas to deliver, and if I don't get them there on time, they're free. I really gotta go.
Daria
On your way over here, you didn't see any, um, lights in the sky or anything?
Artie
Oh, no! They're back?! (slams door closed) I hope they don't plan to experiment on me this time. I was a mess the last time. See, they replace your skin with synthetic skin that stretches real tight on your head in the summer. (time passes, in kitchen) That's why they come at night. It makes it easier to steal your dreams. They got this big, big suction device that... (time passes) ... and anyone who tells you aliens are taking over their body is nuts. All they want is our skin 'cause your skin remembers what it feels.
Trent
Hmm. Hey, you ever written any lyrics?
Artie
(pager beeps)
Uh-oh. Fired again? Man, this happens all the time. Ever since my encounter with those darn aliens!
--"The Lawndale File"
