Season Five
Daria
Do you think I complain a lot?
Tom
What are you bitching about now?
--"Fizz Ed"
Ms. Li
(attacking machine with little success)
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Open up, you lousy damn machine! Give up the soda in your bowels! Soda! Soda! Must have soda! Ooh!
--"Fizz Ed"
Noah Barkman
Jake, I hate to say this, but you're just spouting a bunch of buzzwords. You're not paradigm-shifting. You're all sizzle and no steak.
Jake
But I did have steak...and charts and graphs and animated dollar bills that danced around and sang songs. I was almost finished and then...my screen froze. Damn computer! It ate everything! Big, fat, smug, damn, stupid, crappy piece of crappy crap! (starts sobbing)
--"Sappy Anniversary"
Jane
And always let your conscience be your--
Daria
Oh, shut UP!
--"Sappy Anniversary"
(at the Sloane house, Daria rings the doorbell, waits a very short moment, then turns to leave; Tom then opens the door)
Tom
Hey...if you're not going to leave a flaming bag of dog crap on the doorstep, at least come in.
Daria
Well, can't resist an invitation like that.
--"Sappy Anniversary"
Exercise Model Instructor
I know it's hard to believe, but I once weighed over a hundred pounds.
--"Fat Like Me"
Stacy
I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of doing all the work while you just sit there. I've tried my best, and even it it wasn't as good as Sandi's or Quinn's, a chain is only as strong as its weakest round thingy. And you refuse to lift one freakin' finger. I'm through running the Fashion Club all by myself while you (imitates Tiffany) staaaare in the miiiror and taaaalk about yourseeeelf. And I...I...I QUIT!!
--"Fat Like Me"
Quinn
Dad, guess what? Camp Grizzly is having a fifth-year reunion.
Daria
Quick. Put on CNN so we can watch the action unfold.
--"Camp Fear"
Trent
You're cookies are lame.
You're chips are the same.
You get no respect 'cause...
Daria
You're missing the train?
Jane
My soul's waves of grain?
Trent
...You're not what you claim.
Poser exposed.
Hoser de-hosed.
I should step on your toes.
You're deposed.
Daria
Something tells me the Spiral lives.
Trent
Oh, yeah. The fire is back.
Daria
You want a Tums?
--"Camp Fear"
Tom
I liked that story. I thought it was smart, funny and insightful. None of which I can say about you right now.
--"The Story of D"
Jake
(ranting) If it weren't for Ellenbogen, I might be a broadway lyricist. I could write songs for "Cats." I could write songs for dogs. (quietly whining) My name in lights would've been fantastic.
--"The Story of D"
Jodie
Hey Daria. Congratulations. A published story? That's amazing.
Daria
Um, it's not exactly published. I sent it in, but I haven't heard back.
Kevin
(approaches with Brittany) Then why are you telling eveybody it's been published?
Jane
Oh, you know Daria and her compulsive need to impress.
Brittany
Oh. But then instead of making up stuff about writing, shouldn't you pick something good?
Daria
How's this; During the day, I'm a mild-mannered student, but at night I fight crime in a stretchy, stretchy costume.
--"The Story of D"
Mrs. Stoller
Class, you may have noticed, I'm not your usual teacher.
Daria
If only we didn't have our usual students.
--"Lucky Strike"
Ms. Li
(enters classroom) Attention, young people! Mr. Edwards will no longer be joining us due to... reasons.
Tiffany
I hope it's not his anguish acting up.
--"Lucky Strike"
Teachers
(chanting)
We need a lot more money! This really isn't funny!
You don't pay us enough to buy honey!
Mrs. Bennett
I don't know about this chant, it's...um,...
Ms. Barch
It sucks.
Mr. DeMartino
Hey. I threw OUT the rhyme about the bunny.
--"Lucky Strike"
Jane
Nice, nice. Remember, nothing says "death to the bosses," like primaries. Pastels are for appeaseniks.
--"Lucky Strike"
Jamie
(slowly and flatly)
For it never was a story of more woe, than this of Juliet and her...Romeo.
Daria
Thank you, Joey, Jeffy or Jamie. Laurence Olivier in his present state couldn't have done better.
Jeffy
Cool. What does 'woe' mean?
Daria
It's like the feeling you'd get if the Super Bowl were pre-empted by Antiques Roadshow.
Joey
Whoa!
--"Lucky Strike"
Ms. Li
Don't think you can intimiate... intermolate... don't think you can scare me with your threat to picket naked!
Mr. DeMartino
You think I'm bluffing?! This is Goodwill polyester I've been sweating in all night. I want to picket naked!
Ms. Li
All right! A two percent raise and a space heater for the teacher's lounge.
Mr. DeMartino
Boy! It's getting hot in here!
--"Lucky Strike"
Mrs. Stoller
Here are your tests. I don't think I've ever written so many "A's." You're the smartest, and biggest first graders I've ever had.
Kevin
Thanks.
Mack
What a surprise. I got an A+ and a silver star.
Jodie
Don't get so full of yourself. I got a gold star.
--"Lucky Strike"
Ms. Li
(dazed) People of Mars! I mean, students of Lawndale High. This is your leader... um, principal. What was I saying? Oh! The teachers... the teachers... the strike's over! Your teachers will be back tomorrow! Good ni... day. (P.A. clicks off)
--"Lucky Strike"
